March 4, 2025 • 41 mins
Ready to ditch the mom guilt and prioritize your well-being? This week, Ariella Monti (stepping in for Jenny) and I are sharing 4 clever ways to reset your self-care routine. It's time to reclaim your "me time" and feel like yourself again.
—
Who Should Listen
Anyone who feels overwhelmed, guilty about taking "me time," or wants practical tips to prioritize their well-being should listen. Busy moms, especially, will find this episode a game-changer for reclaiming their sanity and rediscovering themselves.
—
What You Get In This Episode
- Ditch the Mom Guilt: Learn practical strategies to prioritize your well-being without feeling selfish.
- Reclaim Your "Me Time": Discover actionable tips to carve out time for yourself, even with a busy schedule.
- Practical, Not Preachy Advice: Get real, relatable strategies that fit into your everyday life, not just idealistic concepts.
- Feel Like Yourself Again: Learn how to reconnect with your passions and rediscover your identity beyond motherhood.
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Bios
CK and Ariella are two moms who know the struggle of balancing motherhood and self-care. They're here to share their wisdom-ous-ness on how to ditch the guilt and prioritize your well-being.
—
Sources
- ReachOut Australia: Anonymous and confidential, ReachOut is a safe place where young people can openly express themselves, get a deeper understanding and perspective on what’s happening in their lives, connect with people who will provide judgment-free support, and build the resilience to manage their challenges now and in the future.
- How To Stop Feeling Guilty About Taking Care Of Yourself | Heather Moulder
- How To Say No Without Feeling Guilt (Step-By-Step Instructions) | Heather Moulder
- Self-Care for Kids by Age: Everything You Need to Know | ChildSavers
The best support is a rating and a share.
Love,
CK & GK
View our website at ckandgkpodcast.com. Find us on social media @ckandgkpodcast on
- Instagram
- Facebook
- TikTok
Thanks, y'all!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Caitlin Kindred (00:01):
we're here and I think it's Tuesday.
I don't know what day it is foryou.
Again, jenny is the one whodoes the it's Tuesday shout.
I have no idea what day you'relistening to this.
It might not be Tuesday.
Either way, hi, it's a day,it's a day, it's a day and
you're alive and great.
Okay, so welcome to how to Be aGrown-up.
(00:23):
This is the show.
That is the kick-butt auntiewho gets it that you need in
your life.
Uh, with me today is pod friendand published author.
You guys, her book is out.
You can buy it now.
Oh my gosh, yes.
Published author ariela monti.
She is my wise, goofy goldfish.
Ariella Monti (00:45):
Oh, because I forget things very easily.
Caitlin Kindred (00:50):
But you're so wise For the three minutes that
I remember Well thewisdom-ess-ness is strong with
you, thank you.
She's back with me today whileJenny is preparing for knee
surgery.
We are at T-minus a week beforethis woman gets the help that
her knee so desperately needs.
But side note, by the way, ifyou would like to support Jenny
(01:11):
and her recovery I know a lot ofher friends and family are
listening.
At least they better be Pleasereach out to us using the
contact us on our website, oryou can send me a text through
the show notes and I will letyou know how you can support
Jenny if you'd like to do thatNow.
Speaking of recovery, oh Lord,okay, I don't know about you
(01:34):
guys, but it's March now and myself-care routine has suffered
greatly since the start of theyear, and I think a lot of that
is because the world is ending.
It's basically on fire so yeah,this is fine, everything's fine.
The dumpster fire meme with thelittle dog, okay, but today
(01:55):
it's March and we are almost tospring, so we're going to spring
back into self-care.
What, oh my gosh.
Ariella Monti (02:04):
Yes.
Caitlin Kindred (02:05):
Springing into self-care when spring time
starts, okay.
So I have two disclaimers here.
One I am very well aware thatwe have talked about this topic
before.
Okay, very well aware, but itmatters, especially if you're a
mom, it matters, okay.
So I'm going to put that outthere.
Some of this is going to bereminder information.
There is new stuff here and wehave way more ways of exploring
(02:28):
self-care coming this month.
But that's the first one.
The second disclaimer I havefor you is that I am not a
doctor.
Ariella Monti (02:35):
No, shocking.
Caitlin Kindred (02:36):
Right.
Ariella Monti (02:37):
I am not a doctor .
Caitlin Kindred (02:39):
No, neither one of us is a doctor, so we are
not mental health professionals.
While we do have mental healthdisorders, we are not
professionals.
So because of that, I just needto say if you feel burned out
or you feel like you're needingor activating your emergency
(03:01):
response techniques very often,please seek help from a licensed
professional who is not me orAriella.
Ariella Monti (03:07):
No.
Caitlin Kindred (03:08):
We can talk to you about what pharmaceuticals
work best for us Can offersupport and solidarity.
Right Support solidarity.
I can tell you what sideeffects come with Lexapro,
things like that, but I reallycan't give you any mental health
advice.
So my sources for today, I havetwo or three that I actually
(03:34):
really reached out to that Ithought were really effective.
One of them is called Reach OutAustralia.
Reach Out Australia is a safeplace where young people can
openly express themselves, get adeeper understanding and
perspective on what's happeningin their lives and connect with
people for judgment-free support.
I have several links to theirwebsite and things that I've
used on their website in theshow notes.
Another source I used isHeather Moulter, who's got some
(03:56):
good mental health resources.
She's a I would say, a lifecoach in a broad term, and then
an article from Child Savers.
So all of those are linked inthe show notes.
Okay, I'm stretching.
Here we go, here we go, here wego.
I have personally I love haterelationship with the term
self-care.
(04:16):
I think it's overused.
I think it's often thrownaround in the context of toxic
positivity.
I feel like it was popularizedduring the pandemic like, oh,
baking bread is my self-care.
Okay, fine, but a lot of it wasdirected at women who were
burning out at incredibly highrates during the pandemic, and a
(04:37):
lot of it was directed atpeople whose entire livelihood
is dependent on serving otherpeople.
Ariella Monti (04:43):
Absolutely.
Caitlin Kindred (04:43):
Think like doctors, nurses, teachers, moms,
right.
So when you're throwing aroundthe term self-care at people who
spend all of their life takingcare of other people, it feels a
little condescending and toxic,personally, in my opinion, and
I was a teacher during thepandemic, so I understand that.
Ariella Monti (05:05):
You can't self-care yourself out of
burnout.
Caitlin Kindred (05:09):
Burnout no, you can't, absolutely not.
Ariella Monti (05:12):
The world is on fire.
Caitlin Kindred (05:14):
We can't self-care ourselves out of the
world being on fire.
Right, self-care is not a fire,exactly.
Ariella Monti (05:20):
But it's like, I don't know what it is, but it's
helpful.
Caitlin Kindred (05:30):
Not professionals, okay, so here's
why I love self-care.
It is literally sanctionedselfishness.
Yes, selfishness, yes.
Finally, it is okay to say thisis all about me and what I need
.
Here's why I hate it.
(05:55):
Again, it's not a fire hose.
It does not fix you when youare on the edge of burnout or
when you're already there.
So blah, all right, but again,sanctioned selfishness.
What I came up with that termby myself, by the way.
Ariella Monti (06:05):
I love it.
I'm very proud of it.
You should trademark it.
Caitlin Kindred (06:08):
I think I'm going to.
That will be the way thispodcast finally makes money,
okay.
So what is self-care?
Here's my definition.
I've given this definitionbefore.
I'm going to say it again.
My definition of self-care isthe things that you do for
yourself that help you feel likeyourself, and the purpose of
(06:29):
self-care.
This is my new add-on to thisepisode.
The purpose of self-care is tohelp you be able to give your
best to tasks and others when itcounts, like, for example, you
have a huge work project, maybeyou're writing a book I don't
know, or your kiddo is up sickall night, right, yep?
(06:49):
Those are the times when youare like, if one more thing gets
added to my plate, you're goingto lose it.
That's what self-care is for isto keep you from losing it,
right, okay?
For example, I go for a solowalk every weekday morning and I
listen to podcasts Usually truecrime, first news, then true
crime, okay.
Ariella Monti (07:09):
Sorry, I'm laughing at the idea of you
listening to a true crimepodcast while walking alone
through your neighborhood.
Caitlin Kindred (07:18):
Okay, so I have my.
I have pepper spray in my hand.
You should know like I, I keepit with me and I'm like
constantly my head is on aswivel.
Ariella Monti (07:26):
You're like why am I so anxious on this walk?
Caitlin Kindred (07:29):
My first few times doing it.
I was legit like really freakedout.
And there was one podcast I waslistening to oh gosh, I can't
remember the name of it.
I think I've mentioned it onthe show.
It's a show about Jack theRipper and it's a British host.
It and it's a British host.
It's an amazing show.
I'll try and find it and if Ifigured out I'll put in the show
(07:50):
notes.
There's like a sound effects inthe background.
So she's talking about the timewhen, you know, jack the Ripper
comes up on someone and you'llhear footsteps.
And I was listening to this inthe morning and freaking myself
out and I told my husband aboutit and he was like nope, nope,
nope, nope.
You can't do that to yourself.
So I stopped listening to thatone, that one I only listen to
in the house.
Ariella Monti (08:06):
it is a weird thing to do, but it makes you
like but it makes me calm, itmakes you happy, though it fills
your cup and it fills my cup.
That would not make me happy,that would make me panic, but it
makes you happy and that iswhat?
Caitlin Kindred (08:22):
yes, that's what matters, right, and, to be
fair, I am listening to like cnnin the morning and then I
listen to true crime, in whichcase, like it's not as
horrifying as what's happeningon the scene.
Anyway, okay, sorry.
So no, it's okay.
This is the kind of stuff thatmakes this show gold.
All right.
So back to my solo walk.
(08:43):
I do it alone for a reason,right?
It's not that I don't enjoywalking with other people and
catching up and having aconversation.
It's that I just feel betterafter I walk alone because I get
to think or not think and enjoymy shows and listen to mandy
matney on true sunlight.
I just feel better after that.
Another one of my self-careexamples is laughing with my
(09:03):
friends, which is why thispodcast is so important to my
self-care.
I do consider this self-care,and you might not know what
self-care looks like for you,and that's completely okay.
If you don't know, that's asign that you're constantly
putting yourself on the backburner.
You're always putting otherpeople before yourself.
You know motherhood.
So just something to thinkabout.
(09:24):
I do have a quiz linked in theshow notes, that is, what kind
of self-care is right for you?
You should consider taking thatquiz.
I've quizzed Jenny on it before.
It is a good one.
I would find it very helpful ifyou're someone who needs a
place to start.
Okay, so let's get into how weknow what kind of self-care is
(09:45):
right for you.
Ariella Monti (09:46):
I'm ready.
Caitlin Kindred (09:47):
When someone tells me to focus on my
self-care now, full disclosure.
I have that written out in likethe SpongeBob, like focus on me
, don't care font becausebecause it feels that way, right
.
I personally immediately freezeup.
It's like when someone says toyou what can I do to help?
And you literally have no idea,even though there's a thousand
projects around that need to bedone.
(10:08):
Right, you're like I don't knownothing.
There's dirty dishes over here,the trash is overflowing, and
they're like how can I help you?
And you're just like I don'tknow.
I don't know, right.
So if you're not sure what youneed, ask yourself what
activities make me feel good.
If sure what you need, askyourself what activities make me
(10:32):
feel good.
If you don't know, you'reprobably already burning out,
just saying Okay.
Or if you're a parent, what didI do before I had kids that
helps me feel good and helps mefeel like myself, right?
Yep, self-care is not one sizefits all.
So me listening to true crimein the morning is not going to
work for Ariella.
Ariella Monti (10:43):
It's not going to work for me on like a random
Tuesday in the afternoon in myhouse.
Caitlin Kindred (10:48):
Oh, there's something great about listening
to my Favorite Murder whileyou're folding laundry.
Ariella Monti (10:52):
I'm just saying Fair, but as we learned in an
episode a few years ago.
Captain America Winter Soldieris my comfort movie because it's
the personification of myanxiety and that makes me feel
good.
Yes.
Caitlin Kindred (11:06):
Yes, that episode still does really well.
If you haven't listened to that, go, go listen to it.
Yeah, I'm going to.
Uh, I'll link it in the in theshow notes.
Ariella Monti (11:13):
I have to update.
We should update that becausewe can do.
Caitlin Kindred (11:16):
There's a lot of stuff that that needs to
change.
Ariella Monti (11:18):
Yeah, yeah.
Caitlin Kindred (11:19):
Yeah, okay, all right.
Either way, self-care is notone size fits all right.
It's very individualized.
It's going to.
It depends on who you are andwhat you did before you had kids
, right?
So do you know what other kindsof self-care are good for you?
Do you have it in your headbesides watching Winter Soldier?
Which, to be clear, that'sself-care for my eyeballs.
Ariella Monti (11:40):
I'm trying to keep it PG here.
We're all moms, we get it.
I'm trying to keep it PG here,we're all moms, we get it.
So one of the big things that Ilike to do, especially now that
the weather is getting a littlebit nicer, is just go outside.
Not go outside and do anythingnecessarily.
(12:00):
Like sure, hiking and like allthat stuff is really awesome,
but I will just go outside andsit on my deck or sit on my
porch.
I refill my thousand birdfeeders, I throw peanuts out for
the squirrels and the crows andwho, by the way, I think think
(12:23):
have, like really startedrecognizing me, because when I
go outside I hear them cawingand they start flying to like
the.
Caitlin Kindred (12:33):
I love the trees frozen ravens are so cool.
They're so smart.
Ariella Monti (12:36):
I love them yes, so that type of stuff I find, or
doing that really just beingoutside and focusing on the
nature stuff around me, itreally just I hate that I use
the term fill my cup as often asI do, but it's really like the.
(12:58):
It really is a refilling sortof feeling, you know.
Caitlin Kindred (13:02):
Yeah, I get that sense from you.
I bet that if you take thatquiz, it'll be like nature
focused kinds of things for you.
Yeah, definitely, I'm going toget into this in a later episode
.
But one of the big things Ithink that is a hurdle for a lot
of moms in the self-care realmis that they feel guilty about
it.
I have, in this series ofself-care episodes we're going
(13:27):
to be doing throughout thismonth and probably even into
April, because there's so manycool things to talk about here.
I have a how do I stop feelingguilty about self-care thing
planned, because this is a bigone.
You are probably listening tothis and going, yeah, okay, I
get it, I know I need to focuson self-care.
Please stop talking to me aboutit Because, again, it feels
(13:50):
focus on my self-care.
It just feels you know awful,but you just can't.
I'm going to say somethingthat's going to sound a little
bit mean, it's going to soundharsh, but I think you'd
probably need to hear it.
Think you probably need to hearit.
You not focusing on self-careis probably rooted in guilt,
which means you probably feelguilty about taking time for
(14:12):
yourself, and you need to fixthat.
And this is where the HeatherMulder source comes into play.
But she says and I agree withher on these three things that
ditching self-care guiltrequires three things One, a
good definition of self-care,which I've already given you.
Two, knowing how to startprioritizing it.
And three, a good supportsystem that you can go to for
(14:35):
help, guidance andaccountability.
Ariella Monti (14:37):
Yeah, I agree with that.
I co-sign that.
Caitlin Kindred (14:40):
Yeah, so we're going to get into this again in
a later episode, because this isjust too important to say like,
oh, stop feeling guilty andthen walk away, cause that's you
need help to not feel guilty,right.
Ariella Monti (14:53):
I mean, if it was that easy, I wouldn't have.
I wouldn't have been going totherapy for as long as you know,
I have been like, seriously,you need to get back into
therapy.
Caitlin Kindred (15:03):
Have I told you the story about the last time
that, not the last time?
One of the last times I had atherapy session and my therapist
was, like, you need to have aself-care evening where you
don't do anything, you guysorder food, you put on a movie
and you just chill.
Do you know what happened thatnight?
We put on home alone and it wasthe one where he goes to New
York.
So they're running to theairport and what does my child
(15:25):
do?
He's got socks on and he'srunning through my house and he
fell and he split his chair openand I spent the evening in the
hospital.
This is what happens to me.
When someone, when my therapist,says focus on self-care, okay,
now here are three things I'mgoing to sit make you sit with
here.
One redefine your self-care.
Just like I said, my definitionfrom before, my definition of
(15:45):
self-care is the things that youdo for yourself that make you
feel like yourself.
Okay, remember its purpose.
Its purpose is to help you beable to give your best to tasks
when it matters, and then you'regoing to reprioritize your
self-care.
It's not an item on a to-dolist.
You don't go laundry, wash thecar, get groceries.
(16:07):
Self-care no, it's not a to-dolist item.
It is a regular part of yourdaily routine, which I will get
to in just a minute.
Finding time, finding the time.
We all know that this is.
This is why you can't put it ona to-do list, right?
Right, because the laundry, thegetting the gas, the washing
(16:27):
the car and then the picking upthe groceries mean you don't
have time for the self-care,especially if your life is like
mine, where, um, your child willfall and split his chin open
and then take the remaining timethat you had for the day and
and crap on it.
So once you know what kind isgood for you, and once you've
kind of redefined yourdefinition, you need to actually
do them, and that requiresfinding that time, and I know
(16:49):
that's easier said than done.
So I'm going to drop a littlequote here, which I don't
necessarily agree witheverything that this man says,
but I feel like the quote ishelpful.
This is Stephen Covey, who'sthe author of Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People.
He says the key is not toprioritize what's on your
schedule, but to schedule yourpriorities.
Ariella Monti (17:06):
Yeah, yeah, I will Right, I will agree with
that.
Caitlin Kindred (17:10):
Yeah.
So here's what Heather Mulderis saying.
This is probably your equationfor your life Okay, work plus
family, plus chores plus other,which other includes your
self-care.
And you've got self-care at thebottom of that equation, which
means that when the other thingsget in the way, self-care is
(17:31):
the first thing that gets pushedoff.
But the truth of the matter isyou have to put self-care first
before the equation.
Right, you can't even includeit in the equation.
It has to be the thing you dofirst, right, prioritized above
everything else, even your to-dolist.
Ariella Monti (17:47):
It's the air mask that drops from the plane
ceiling Right.
Like we have to help ourselvesbefore we can help everyone else
.
Caitlin Kindred (17:56):
Yes, and why is that?
Why do you need yourself yourmask first?
You need your mask firstbecause then you can think
clearly enough to help thepeople around you.
Right, put your own mask on,and then you can help your child
, because you'll be able to liketake a breath and step back and
go.
Okay, now this is what needs tohappen next.
The purpose is to help you beable to give your best to the
(18:19):
tasks and people who need it themost.
So, when you think about itthis is me playing fast and
loose here, but I think HeatherMulder would agree Neglecting
your self-care is actually beingselfish.
Oh yeah, because you can't givethe best of yourself when you
(18:40):
haven't taken care of yourself,right, yeah, it shouldn't always
be about finding the time forself-care.
It should be about making thetime for self-care.
If you're always trying to findthe time, you'll never find it,
because there's literallyalways something else that needs
to be done, right?
So instead, add it to yourcalendar, make it a priority,
make it a part of your dailyroutine.
(19:02):
We know that's how it worksbest.
It's like when you're forminghabits.
You chunk these tasks togetherwith things that you've already
are doing Every day.
If you need to floss, you alsobrush your teeth.
You're already, hopefully,brushing your teeth every day,
so then add the floss pick inright before that and start
doing that, and that's how youbuild habits.
(19:23):
So you need to make self-careinto a habit.
We know that it works best whenit's done as a routine, as a
habit, because you're going tosay this with me now self-care
is not an indulgence.
Repeat it to yourself.
I'm going to pause.
Good girl, you said it.
It is a part of my everydayroutine.
Self-care is not an indulgence.
(19:44):
It is a part of my everydayroutine.
It is a part of my everydaylife.
My walking example.
That's something I do almostevery weekday morning.
Rain or shine, yes, I do go out.
If it's raining, I will put upmy umbrella, my arm will get
tired, I'll switch arms, but Iwill go out if it's raining
because it still feels good togo out.
(20:05):
I get up, I brush my teeth, Itake my medications the many
medications that I take I go peeand I go for a walk.
It's just what I do.
I wake up early in the morningto do that, and that part sucks,
because I love sleep.
Do I want more sleep?
Yeah, of course I do.
Do I hate how I feel if I sleepin and skip my walk?
(20:26):
Yeah, I really do, right?
Yeah, it's just how it is.
That's how I know it's part ofmy self-care, because I hate how
I feel when I don't do it.
So if you're not sure what feelsgood to you or what your
self-care is, think about theparts of your daily routine that
you hate to skip.
You can start thinking of thoseas your tiny moments of
(20:48):
self-care.
Just reframe the mindset aroundthose things.
If you know you hate waking upto a dirty kitchen, then
consider your nighttime routineof putting the kitchen back
together as part of yourself-care.
Just reframe it.
Yes, it's a chore, I get it.
Okay.
But also you feel better in themorning when you wake up and
(21:10):
the kitchen doesn't look like abomb went off, okay.
So just reframe it like thatand then you can start to add in
one or two quote unquoteindulgent things to make you
feel more comfortable,prioritizing yourself.
Maybe, instead of justgrumbling while you clean the
kitchen, you put on yourfavorite playlist and you listen
(21:32):
to some of the songs that makeyou feel good from high school.
Little Nelly hot in here feelsgood to everybody, right.
Ariella Monti (21:39):
Exactly.
Caitlin Kindred (21:39):
Put on your favorite playlist and then clean
the kitchen.
Now, all of a sudden, not onlydo you feel good listening to
some of your favorite songs, butin the morning you know you're
going to feel better about howthe kitchen is.
You'll start to feel morecomfortable prioritizing
yourself If you kind of reframesome of the things that you know
make you feel better asself-care.
Okay, how else can you findtime for self-care aside from
(22:03):
just like?
This is my chore and now I feelbetter doing it, cause that's
kind of lame too, right?
Also, I have to say this beforeI move on have you noticed that
I did not at any time say goingto a spa is self-care?
Ariella Monti (22:16):
Oh yeah, of course, because it's not for
everyone, it's not for bothpeople, honestly.
Caitlin Kindred (22:24):
It's expensive.
If you have a lifestyle yeah,exactly, if you have a lifestyle
where it's a habit for you.
Right, let's be friends, let'shang out more.
Those are like treats, right,those are the indulgences, right
.
Ariella Monti (22:40):
Great.
Caitlin Kindred (22:41):
Yes, they make you feel good, but it's not a
habitual thing.
And again, who has time to dothat and money to do that all
the time?
So there you go.
Okay, anyway, finding time forself-care, find dead time.
Dead time is when you have fiveto 10 minutes here and there,
or sometimes it's more than that.
For example, you have twoappointments that are quote back
(23:02):
to back, but you end up with anhour in between.
That's dead time, cause you'relike I don't want to go home,
cause then I'm going to have togo home and then 10 minutes
later I'm going to come rightback around, like that's the
kind of stuff I'm talking about.
So I have a friend whointentionally leaves for school
pickup more than 30 minutesevery day she does.
She does it for two reasons.
(23:22):
One, she gets the parking spotRight, cause we all know the car
line is everyone's nightmare.
Two, she uses that time in thecar line while she's sitting and
waiting at the parking spot tomake phone calls, set
appointments and scroll socialmedia Like what that's genius,
(23:42):
it's so smart.
She's like that's when I makeall my appointments, like I just
call and make appointments, orI get the kids set up for this,
or I pay bills online, likethat's what she's doing with
that time.
But she I mentioned to her likehey, the school bus picks up my
child and drops him off, likeacross the street.
So like, if you just don't wantto do that, like tell me and
(24:06):
I'll make sure my son will sitwith your son and make him feel
good about being on the bus.
And she was like, oh, like Ilove the idea of having more
time, but like that's my time.
And I knew exactly what shemeant by like that's my time.
I was like, okay, I'm not goingto push the issue because for
her it feels good to leave atthat time of day and use that
(24:27):
time to do the things that makeher feel better.
And it's dead time.
Ariella Monti (24:30):
I like to pair things because, as you know,
people with ADHD we have a hardtime forming habits, but we're
better with routine.
So I like to pair stuff withthings that are already
established in my routine.
So I have an establishedroutine that I spend some time
(24:54):
outside every day when theweather is nice, and what I
started doing is pairing thatwith this practice called
morning pages.
So it's basically anopportunity to write.
You don't have to do it in themorning.
So what I started doing istaking my notebook outside and
doing these morning pages whenI'm outside.
So when I'm outside, then I domy morning pages and I'll set a
(25:21):
timer for like 20 minutes.
I have my notebook in my hand,I write kind of whatever random
crap comes to my head, but thatis 20 minutes, that I am not
doom scrolling and it's a selfcare activity that is being
tacked on to something that I'malready doing and just makes
(25:45):
that thing that I'm doing moreenjoyable, as opposed to
something like doom scrollingthreads, which does not make me
feel better.
Caitlin Kindred (25:55):
Right.
So, while scrolling threadsduring your outside time does
not make you feel better, doingyour morning pages during your
outside time does make you feelbetter, and it's you forming a
self-care habit by adding on anactivity to something you're
(26:16):
already doing, something you'realready doing.
Getting back to the concept ofdead time, if you have dead time
and you intend to use it for aself-care thing, just remember
that you might need more timethan you think you have.
Like, I'm terrible with objectpermanence and time.
Yes, so for me, I'll say, oh,this will only take me 30
(26:37):
minutes, and it ends up taking45 or 50.
And I just am terrible at that.
So just keep that in mind, okay.
Another way to help yourselffind time for self-care is to
delegate and outsource taskswhen you can.
Now, I said when you can for areason If you can afford this,
(26:59):
outsource tasks that someoneelse can do, meaning someone
else can do them and you don'thave to teach them how to do it.
Okay, if you like your clothesfolded a certain way, you can't
delegate that task to someoneelse and expect them to do it,
because then you're just goingto go back and refold the
clothes the way that you want,all right, so it has to be a
(27:20):
task that you feel completelycomfortable giving to someone
else.
Consider swapping chores withsomeone else in the house to get
your needs met.
This will be especially easierfor you as your kids get older.
I would.
I'm just going to put this sidenote out here.
(27:41):
You should make self-care afamily affair.
If you have kids in the home,you need to teach them about the
importance of self-care early,and you need to start doing that
by modeling.
We talk about modeling on thisshow all the time, and you will
need to be explicit and say thisis mommy's 20 minutes to go
outside and do my morning pages.
This is what makes mommy anicer person later in the day.
(28:01):
You need to let mommy do thisand it is okay to say that, and
as they get older, they'llunderstand exactly what you mean
and they'll be more willing toprovide support.
When that person says I need todo this for myself, I need to
take 30 minutes for myself, butin the meantime, you need to be
(28:21):
explicit and communicative aboutyour needs, and it's really
hard to do that, especially formoms.
Actually, I'm going to applaudJenny here at the moment.
She just said to me the otherday.
This is hard for me, but I'mabout to ask for help.
Good job, jenny.
I know right, like what anamazing thing to say.
This is hard for me, but I'mgoing to ask for help, and she
(28:43):
did ask for help and I providedher with what I could Be.
Like her, be willing to saythis is hard for me, but I need
help.
Can you please take on XYZtasks so that I can have 30
minutes to myself Now?
I am really hopeful that youhave a partner who sees and
understands what that 30 minutes, or however long you need, will
(29:05):
actually do for you, and whenyour kids are old enough, you
can tag them in too.
I need to think about how toprovide advice for someone who
has a partner who is not willingto offer that help, because you
are the ones who need this themost.
You are the ones who are on theedge of burnout the most, and I
understand that.
I'm really hopeful that thereis at least someone in your life
(29:26):
who you can lean on for this,because otherwise this
particular way of findingself-care is not going to work
for you, because you don't havesomeone in your life who you can
delegate and outsource tasks to.
If you're in Austin, let meknow, I'll try and come by and
help.
The other thing I was going tosay is in terms of finding time
again, you probably have thatequation of like work plus
(29:49):
family, plus whatever, plusother self-care in your head and
I think you might need toreassess the urgency of your
to-dos.
Okay, if you can't swap, youcan't outsource, you can't
delegate.
You need to think about whatactually has to be done right
now.
What can wait until tomorrow,what can wait until next week.
Take care of the right nowthings, because that will make
(30:10):
you feel better.
You won't feel so anxious.
Push off the rest in favor ofyourself.
Make a plan to come back tothose other tasks later on, or
maybe you, you know, later inthe week, those become your
right now things.
Maybe the trip to the store canwait until tomorrow.
Maybe it can't all right, butthose baseboards can wait I've
(30:34):
been waiting for like 15 mighthave been waiting since I moved
into this I'm gonna bereal clear, but rethinking the
the urgency of some of yourtasks might make you feel a
little less pressure.
So just to wrap this up in asmessy a bow as I possibly can
(30:55):
Self-care is not about indulgingyourself.
Self-care is about self-respect, meaning you need to give
yourself the respect you deserveby treating yourself with the
same level of respect that youtreat the other more important
people in your life and, by theway, they're not more important
(31:16):
than you, they're just not.
You are more than likely a verydedicated and devoted mother,
but your kids need the bestversion of yourself, yep, so you
need to promise yourself thatyou're not going to use your
regular self-care things as anemergency response when you're
losing it.
Okay, cleaning the kitchen withyour music on does not help you
(31:40):
when you've already completelygone off the deep end.
Ariella Monti (31:46):
That's what it's yeah, a fire extinguisher is not
going to help when your entirehouse is on fire, but the fire
extinguisher will help when it'sjust a small little fire on
your stove yeah, oh that was agood one right, that's a good
way to think of it.
Caitlin Kindred (32:03):
Okay, so again, I'm not a doctor.
I think my rambling in thisepisode proves that If you are
on the edge of complete burnout,I would highly recommend going
to Psychology Today.
It's a great website to find alocal resource for yourself.
It tells you what kind ofinsurance these psychiatrists
and therapists are taking ifthey're accepting new clients,
(32:26):
what their specialties are.
Please go seek help if you arereally losing it.
That might be a good place tostart.
Okay, we'll be right back afterthis break For links to
resources mentioned in thisepisode.
Head on over tockandgkpodcastcom slash blog to
find everything you need, and besure to follow us on social
media.
Head over to your favoritesocial media network and find us
(32:49):
at CK and GK podcast.
And now back to the show.
Okay, I'm wiping my nosebecause it's austin and it's
allergy season is starting, yay,okay, we're back, though.
Speaking of self-care, I havean obsession oh yeah, I want to
hear about it, of course.
(33:10):
Okay, for valentine's day, myhusband got me a, an eye mask.
Now, this is not just like a,it's not like one of those
things which, by the way, thoselike gold foils that I I totally
had those collagen eye bagthings on before we got on this
morning.
But, um, this is a.
It wraps around your head, it'slike a whole big thing and it's
(33:32):
like electronic and it haspressure and heat and vibration
and music.
This thing is wild.
Ariella Monti (33:42):
I I'm almost positive that my husband has
something similar, because heloves like that kind of stuff,
and I'm, oh my god, almostpositive he's got something like
that your husband gives me.
Caitlin Kindred (33:58):
Did you ever see as good as it gets that
movie with um greg kameer and uhhelen hunt and jack nicholson?
Ariella Monti (34:06):
I'm sure I did, but it's been a long, long, long
, long time there's a scenewhere jack nicholson takes like
this epic shower.
Caitlin Kindred (34:13):
It takes him like two hours and he comes out
and then the as he comes out,he's backlit, so he's this just
dark shadow and all the steamcomes out behind.
That's the vibe that I amgetting from your husband.
I can totally see him beinginto this mask, but it's.
It's amazing Like it.
I put it on and it's like closeyour eyes and enjoy and it
(34:33):
starts like heating up andpumping air into itself and like
giving me pressurized massagearound on my temples and on my
cheekbone.
It's amazing.
I love this thing.
That sounds pretty amazing.
Yeah, yeah, if I can't sleep,I'll put this thing on and I'm
out Like right after.
So it's like, okay, you're done, leave it on for a minute and
(34:55):
then you just it kind of coolsoff and then you take it off and
I'm out like a light.
Ariella Monti (35:11):
It, and then you just it kind of cools off, and
then you take it off and I'm outlike a light.
It's amazing, it's good, thatsounds cool.
Yeah, I am having one of thoseadhd brain fart moments where I
cannot think of anything thatI'm even remotely obsessed with,
though I know it exists.
Caitlin Kindred (35:19):
That's okay.
You don't have to have anobsession.
I can tell you my gem, if youwant I'd love to hear your gem
uh, sam was using my self careeye mask.
Oh no, because I was like I wasso excited about it.
I went out after I had beenusing it in our bedroom and I
went out to bryce and I was likeyou need to try this, like
(35:40):
overly excited, like yeah, andhe does.
And of course Sam is like I, Ineed to try it too, like I have
to.
So then my husband snaps apicture and he sends it to our
like family chat and my sweetmother-in-law goes that's cool,
is that VR?
(36:00):
Because that's the look.
Ariella Monti (36:03):
It totally looks like you're wearing one of those
Quest VR headsets.
Caitlin Kindred (36:08):
It's exactly what it looks like and it's
hilarious.
And it just made me laughbecause I was like she's right,
that is why I look like I'mdoing VR.
Except I'm my VR is that I'mlying on my bed Doing nothing.
But yeah, he looked reallyfunny and it's like so it's
heavy, right.
So he's like trying to hold hishead up.
Ariella Monti (36:28):
He looked like a bobblehead, that's adorable.
I did think of my obsession.
Caitlin Kindred (36:38):
Yes, let's hear it.
Ariella Monti (36:40):
The freaking weather that we're having right
now in North Carolina Now, atthe time of our recording a week
ago, there was literal ice andsnow on the ground.
Caitlin Kindred (36:55):
We all got that right, I think so.
It was freezing everywhere.
Ariella Monti (36:58):
Yeah, it was like the whole.
It was the week thatPresident's Day happened.
On Monday my kid went to schoolfor one day and then they had
three days off because of iceand snow and everything.
But this week has beendelightful and like I've got the
(37:18):
windows open.
Delightful, and like I've gotthe windows open, it's that time
of the year in north carolina,where it's before the pollining
takes place, so you can open upyour windows without having the
pine pollen all over stuff I'mI'm excited for good weather too
.
Caitlin Kindred (37:35):
We have some of that right now.
I'm glad that that's your andit's good for you because you
get to go outside in that and,like, enjoy it.
I think that's what we have fortoday.
Ariella Monti (37:45):
I didn't give my gem.
I want to give the gem.
Caitlin Kindred (37:47):
Oh, I tell me your gem.
Ariella Monti (37:49):
My gem is that my book is out today.
Caitlin Kindred (37:52):
I okay, If you've missed it, I have a
section of the show notes forthe past two weeks that are all
about author Ariella Monti.
Now I'm going to do the samething for this one.
I'll put her links in the shownotes.
You can also go to our blogpost for the episode and get all
of her stuff there, but herbook is out officially like
(38:13):
officially out, like four yearsof of working on this book and
it's finally, finally out in theworld the cover.
But you guys, the cover is sobeautiful I.
Ariella Monti (38:26):
That's an obsession that I should.
It is so beautiful I amobsessed with it.
Amanda hawkins of eternalgeekery did that cover and I
sent her, you know, somethoughts and inspiration and
stuff and it was like she cameinto my head and pulled out like
(38:50):
exactly what I was looking forit is absolutely gorgeous it is
like more than I ever it's darkand beautiful and like
mysterious looking.
Caitlin Kindred (39:03):
It's got the plant vibe that you are, that
you give off like it is.
Oh, it's in the color choices.
It's a beautiful cover.
If you haven't seen it, go lookat the the blog post for this
episode.
You'll see a picture of thecover.
I'm super excited for you.
This is so great.
This is absolutely a gem.
Congratulations, I'm thrilledfor you.
So your self-care you have topromise is that you are going to
(39:27):
revel in your accomplishment.
You're going to be proud ofyourself because, regardless of
how well the book will do which,by the way, I have complete
faith that it will do well, butyou accomplished something.
You worked really hard on it.
It turned out beautifully, like.
You need to enjoy that.
That's what you have to do.
(39:48):
That's your homework.
Ariella Monti (39:48):
I will I promise.
Caitlin Kindred (39:50):
Okay, jenny would tell you to make good
choices.
I'm just going to tell you totake care of yourself.
Bye, bye.
we're here and I think it's Tuesday.
I don't know what day it is foryou.
Again, jenny is the one whodoes the it's Tuesday shout.
I have no idea what day you'relistening to this.
It might not be Tuesday.
Either way, hi, it's a day,it's a day, it's a day and
you're alive and great.
Okay, so welcome to how to Be aGrown-up.
(00:23):
This is the show.
That is the kick-butt auntiewho gets it that you need in
your life.
Uh, with me today is pod friendand published author.
You guys, her book is out.
You can buy it now.
Oh my gosh, yes.
Published author ariela monti.
She is my wise, goofy goldfish.
Ariella Monti (00:45):
Oh, because I forget things very easily.
Caitlin Kindred (00:50):
But you're so wise For the three minutes that
I remember Well thewisdom-ess-ness is strong with
you, thank you.
She's back with me today whileJenny is preparing for knee
surgery.
We are at T-minus a week beforethis woman gets the help that
her knee so desperately needs.
But side note, by the way, ifyou would like to support Jenny
(01:11):
and her recovery I know a lot ofher friends and family are
listening.
At least they better be Pleasereach out to us using the
contact us on our website, oryou can send me a text through
the show notes and I will letyou know how you can support
Jenny if you'd like to do thatNow.
Speaking of recovery, oh Lord,okay, I don't know about you
(01:34):
guys, but it's March now and myself-care routine has suffered
greatly since the start of theyear, and I think a lot of that
is because the world is ending.
It's basically on fire so yeah,this is fine, everything's fine.
The dumpster fire meme with thelittle dog, okay, but today
(01:55):
it's March and we are almost tospring, so we're going to spring
back into self-care.
What, oh my gosh.
Ariella Monti (02:04):
Yes.
Caitlin Kindred (02:05):
Springing into self-care when spring time
starts, okay.
So I have two disclaimers here.
One I am very well aware thatwe have talked about this topic
before.
Okay, very well aware, but itmatters, especially if you're a
mom, it matters, okay.
So I'm going to put that outthere.
Some of this is going to bereminder information.
There is new stuff here and wehave way more ways of exploring
(02:28):
self-care coming this month.
But that's the first one.
The second disclaimer I havefor you is that I am not a
doctor.
Ariella Monti (02:35):
No, shocking.
Caitlin Kindred (02:36):
Right.
Ariella Monti (02:37):
I am not a doctor .
Caitlin Kindred (02:39):
No, neither one of us is a doctor, so we are
not mental health professionals.
While we do have mental healthdisorders, we are not
professionals.
So because of that, I just needto say if you feel burned out
or you feel like you're needingor activating your emergency
(03:01):
response techniques very often,please seek help from a licensed
professional who is not me orAriella.
Ariella Monti (03:07):
No.
Caitlin Kindred (03:08):
We can talk to you about what pharmaceuticals
work best for us Can offersupport and solidarity.
Right Support solidarity.
I can tell you what sideeffects come with Lexapro,
things like that, but I reallycan't give you any mental health
advice.
So my sources for today, I havetwo or three that I actually
(03:34):
really reached out to that Ithought were really effective.
One of them is called Reach OutAustralia.
Reach Out Australia is a safeplace where young people can
openly express themselves, get adeeper understanding and
perspective on what's happeningin their lives and connect with
people for judgment-free support.
I have several links to theirwebsite and things that I've
used on their website in theshow notes.
Another source I used isHeather Moulter, who's got some
(03:56):
good mental health resources.
She's a I would say, a lifecoach in a broad term, and then
an article from Child Savers.
So all of those are linked inthe show notes.
Okay, I'm stretching.
Here we go, here we go, here wego.
I have personally I love haterelationship with the term
self-care.
(04:16):
I think it's overused.
I think it's often thrownaround in the context of toxic
positivity.
I feel like it was popularizedduring the pandemic like, oh,
baking bread is my self-care.
Okay, fine, but a lot of it wasdirected at women who were
burning out at incredibly highrates during the pandemic, and a
(04:37):
lot of it was directed atpeople whose entire livelihood
is dependent on serving otherpeople.
Ariella Monti (04:43):
Absolutely.
Caitlin Kindred (04:43):
Think like doctors, nurses, teachers, moms,
right.
So when you're throwing aroundthe term self-care at people who
spend all of their life takingcare of other people, it feels a
little condescending and toxic,personally, in my opinion, and
I was a teacher during thepandemic, so I understand that.
Ariella Monti (05:05):
You can't self-care yourself out of
burnout.
Caitlin Kindred (05:09):
Burnout no, you can't, absolutely not.
Ariella Monti (05:12):
The world is on fire.
Caitlin Kindred (05:14):
We can't self-care ourselves out of the
world being on fire.
Right, self-care is not a fire,exactly.
Ariella Monti (05:20):
But it's like, I don't know what it is, but it's
helpful.
Caitlin Kindred (05:30):
Not professionals, okay, so here's
why I love self-care.
It is literally sanctionedselfishness.
Yes, selfishness, yes.
Finally, it is okay to say thisis all about me and what I need
.
Here's why I hate it.
(05:55):
Again, it's not a fire hose.
It does not fix you when youare on the edge of burnout or
when you're already there.
So blah, all right, but again,sanctioned selfishness.
What I came up with that termby myself, by the way.
Ariella Monti (06:05):
I love it.
I'm very proud of it.
You should trademark it.
Caitlin Kindred (06:08):
I think I'm going to.
That will be the way thispodcast finally makes money,
okay.
So what is self-care?
Here's my definition.
I've given this definitionbefore.
I'm going to say it again.
My definition of self-care isthe things that you do for
yourself that help you feel likeyourself, and the purpose of
(06:29):
self-care.
This is my new add-on to thisepisode.
The purpose of self-care is tohelp you be able to give your
best to tasks and others when itcounts, like, for example, you
have a huge work project, maybeyou're writing a book I don't
know, or your kiddo is up sickall night, right, yep?
(06:49):
Those are the times when youare like, if one more thing gets
added to my plate, you're goingto lose it.
That's what self-care is for isto keep you from losing it,
right, okay?
For example, I go for a solowalk every weekday morning and I
listen to podcasts Usually truecrime, first news, then true
crime, okay.
Ariella Monti (07:09):
Sorry, I'm laughing at the idea of you
listening to a true crimepodcast while walking alone
through your neighborhood.
Caitlin Kindred (07:18):
Okay, so I have my.
I have pepper spray in my hand.
You should know like I, I keepit with me and I'm like
constantly my head is on aswivel.
Ariella Monti (07:26):
You're like why am I so anxious on this walk?
Caitlin Kindred (07:29):
My first few times doing it.
I was legit like really freakedout.
And there was one podcast I waslistening to oh gosh, I can't
remember the name of it.
I think I've mentioned it onthe show.
It's a show about Jack theRipper and it's a British host.
It and it's a British host.
It's an amazing show.
I'll try and find it and if Ifigured out I'll put in the show
(07:50):
notes.
There's like a sound effects inthe background.
So she's talking about the timewhen, you know, jack the Ripper
comes up on someone and you'llhear footsteps.
And I was listening to this inthe morning and freaking myself
out and I told my husband aboutit and he was like nope, nope,
nope, nope.
You can't do that to yourself.
So I stopped listening to thatone, that one I only listen to
in the house.
Ariella Monti (08:06):
it is a weird thing to do, but it makes you
like but it makes me calm, itmakes you happy, though it fills
your cup and it fills my cup.
That would not make me happy,that would make me panic, but it
makes you happy and that iswhat?
Caitlin Kindred (08:22):
yes, that's what matters, right, and, to be
fair, I am listening to like cnnin the morning and then I
listen to true crime, in whichcase, like it's not as
horrifying as what's happeningon the scene.
Anyway, okay, sorry.
So no, it's okay.
This is the kind of stuff thatmakes this show gold.
All right.
So back to my solo walk.
(08:43):
I do it alone for a reason,right?
It's not that I don't enjoywalking with other people and
catching up and having aconversation.
It's that I just feel betterafter I walk alone because I get
to think or not think and enjoymy shows and listen to mandy
matney on true sunlight.
I just feel better after that.
Another one of my self-careexamples is laughing with my
(09:03):
friends, which is why thispodcast is so important to my
self-care.
I do consider this self-care,and you might not know what
self-care looks like for you,and that's completely okay.
If you don't know, that's asign that you're constantly
putting yourself on the backburner.
You're always putting otherpeople before yourself.
You know motherhood.
So just something to thinkabout.
(09:24):
I do have a quiz linked in theshow notes, that is, what kind
of self-care is right for you?
You should consider taking thatquiz.
I've quizzed Jenny on it before.
It is a good one.
I would find it very helpful ifyou're someone who needs a
place to start.
Okay, so let's get into how weknow what kind of self-care is
(09:45):
right for you.
Ariella Monti (09:46):
I'm ready.
Caitlin Kindred (09:47):
When someone tells me to focus on my
self-care now, full disclosure.
I have that written out in likethe SpongeBob, like focus on me
, don't care font becausebecause it feels that way, right
.
I personally immediately freezeup.
It's like when someone says toyou what can I do to help?
And you literally have no idea,even though there's a thousand
projects around that need to bedone.
(10:08):
Right, you're like I don't knownothing.
There's dirty dishes over here,the trash is overflowing, and
they're like how can I help you?
And you're just like I don'tknow.
I don't know, right.
So if you're not sure what youneed, ask yourself what
activities make me feel good.
If sure what you need, askyourself what activities make me
(10:32):
feel good.
If you don't know, you'reprobably already burning out,
just saying Okay.
Or if you're a parent, what didI do before I had kids that
helps me feel good and helps mefeel like myself, right?
Yep, self-care is not one sizefits all.
So me listening to true crimein the morning is not going to
work for Ariella.
Ariella Monti (10:43):
It's not going to work for me on like a random
Tuesday in the afternoon in myhouse.
Caitlin Kindred (10:48):
Oh, there's something great about listening
to my Favorite Murder whileyou're folding laundry.
Ariella Monti (10:52):
I'm just saying Fair, but as we learned in an
episode a few years ago.
Captain America Winter Soldieris my comfort movie because it's
the personification of myanxiety and that makes me feel
good.
Yes.
Caitlin Kindred (11:06):
Yes, that episode still does really well.
If you haven't listened to that, go, go listen to it.
Yeah, I'm going to.
Uh, I'll link it in the in theshow notes.
Ariella Monti (11:13):
I have to update.
We should update that becausewe can do.
Caitlin Kindred (11:16):
There's a lot of stuff that that needs to
change.
Ariella Monti (11:18):
Yeah, yeah.
Caitlin Kindred (11:19):
Yeah, okay, all right.
Either way, self-care is notone size fits all right.
It's very individualized.
It's going to.
It depends on who you are andwhat you did before you had kids
, right?
So do you know what other kindsof self-care are good for you?
Do you have it in your headbesides watching Winter Soldier?
Which, to be clear, that'sself-care for my eyeballs.
Ariella Monti (11:40):
I'm trying to keep it PG here.
We're all moms, we get it.
I'm trying to keep it PG here,we're all moms, we get it.
So one of the big things that Ilike to do, especially now that
the weather is getting a littlebit nicer, is just go outside.
Not go outside and do anythingnecessarily.
(12:00):
Like sure, hiking and like allthat stuff is really awesome,
but I will just go outside andsit on my deck or sit on my
porch.
I refill my thousand birdfeeders, I throw peanuts out for
the squirrels and the crows andwho, by the way, I think think
(12:23):
have, like really startedrecognizing me, because when I
go outside I hear them cawingand they start flying to like
the.
Caitlin Kindred (12:33):
I love the trees frozen ravens are so cool.
They're so smart.
Ariella Monti (12:36):
I love them yes, so that type of stuff I find, or
doing that really just beingoutside and focusing on the
nature stuff around me, itreally just I hate that I use
the term fill my cup as often asI do, but it's really like the.
(12:58):
It really is a refilling sortof feeling, you know.
Caitlin Kindred (13:02):
Yeah, I get that sense from you.
I bet that if you take thatquiz, it'll be like nature
focused kinds of things for you.
Yeah, definitely, I'm going toget into this in a later episode
.
But one of the big things Ithink that is a hurdle for a lot
of moms in the self-care realmis that they feel guilty about
it.
I have, in this series ofself-care episodes we're going
(13:27):
to be doing throughout thismonth and probably even into
April, because there's so manycool things to talk about here.
I have a how do I stop feelingguilty about self-care thing
planned, because this is a bigone.
You are probably listening tothis and going, yeah, okay, I
get it, I know I need to focuson self-care.
Please stop talking to me aboutit Because, again, it feels
(13:50):
focus on my self-care.
It just feels you know awful,but you just can't.
I'm going to say somethingthat's going to sound a little
bit mean, it's going to soundharsh, but I think you'd
probably need to hear it.
Think you probably need to hearit.
You not focusing on self-careis probably rooted in guilt,
which means you probably feelguilty about taking time for
(14:12):
yourself, and you need to fixthat.
And this is where the HeatherMulder source comes into play.
But she says and I agree withher on these three things that
ditching self-care guiltrequires three things One, a
good definition of self-care,which I've already given you.
Two, knowing how to startprioritizing it.
And three, a good supportsystem that you can go to for
(14:35):
help, guidance andaccountability.
Ariella Monti (14:37):
Yeah, I agree with that.
I co-sign that.
Caitlin Kindred (14:40):
Yeah, so we're going to get into this again in
a later episode, because this isjust too important to say like,
oh, stop feeling guilty andthen walk away, cause that's you
need help to not feel guilty,right.
Ariella Monti (14:53):
I mean, if it was that easy, I wouldn't have.
I wouldn't have been going totherapy for as long as you know,
I have been like, seriously,you need to get back into
therapy.
Caitlin Kindred (15:03):
Have I told you the story about the last time
that, not the last time?
One of the last times I had atherapy session and my therapist
was, like, you need to have aself-care evening where you
don't do anything, you guysorder food, you put on a movie
and you just chill.
Do you know what happened thatnight?
We put on home alone and it wasthe one where he goes to New
York.
So they're running to theairport and what does my child
(15:25):
do?
He's got socks on and he'srunning through my house and he
fell and he split his chair openand I spent the evening in the
hospital.
This is what happens to me.
When someone, when my therapist,says focus on self-care, okay,
now here are three things I'mgoing to sit make you sit with
here.
One redefine your self-care.
Just like I said, my definitionfrom before, my definition of
(15:45):
self-care is the things that youdo for yourself that make you
feel like yourself.
Okay, remember its purpose.
Its purpose is to help you beable to give your best to tasks
when it matters, and then you'regoing to reprioritize your
self-care.
It's not an item on a to-dolist.
You don't go laundry, wash thecar, get groceries.
(16:07):
Self-care no, it's not a to-dolist item.
It is a regular part of yourdaily routine, which I will get
to in just a minute.
Finding time, finding the time.
We all know that this is.
This is why you can't put it ona to-do list, right?
Right, because the laundry, thegetting the gas, the washing
(16:27):
the car and then the picking upthe groceries mean you don't
have time for the self-care,especially if your life is like
mine, where, um, your child willfall and split his chin open
and then take the remaining timethat you had for the day and
and crap on it.
So once you know what kind isgood for you, and once you've
kind of redefined yourdefinition, you need to actually
do them, and that requiresfinding that time, and I know
(16:49):
that's easier said than done.
So I'm going to drop a littlequote here, which I don't
necessarily agree witheverything that this man says,
but I feel like the quote ishelpful.
This is Stephen Covey, who'sthe author of Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People.
He says the key is not toprioritize what's on your
schedule, but to schedule yourpriorities.
Ariella Monti (17:06):
Yeah, yeah, I will Right, I will agree with
that.
Caitlin Kindred (17:10):
Yeah.
So here's what Heather Mulderis saying.
This is probably your equationfor your life Okay, work plus
family, plus chores plus other,which other includes your
self-care.
And you've got self-care at thebottom of that equation, which
means that when the other thingsget in the way, self-care is
(17:31):
the first thing that gets pushedoff.
But the truth of the matter isyou have to put self-care first
before the equation.
Right, you can't even includeit in the equation.
It has to be the thing you dofirst, right, prioritized above
everything else, even your to-dolist.
Ariella Monti (17:47):
It's the air mask that drops from the plane
ceiling Right.
Like we have to help ourselvesbefore we can help everyone else
.
Caitlin Kindred (17:56):
Yes, and why is that?
Why do you need yourself yourmask first?
You need your mask firstbecause then you can think
clearly enough to help thepeople around you.
Right, put your own mask on,and then you can help your child
, because you'll be able to liketake a breath and step back and
go.
Okay, now this is what needs tohappen next.
The purpose is to help you beable to give your best to the
(18:19):
tasks and people who need it themost.
So, when you think about itthis is me playing fast and
loose here, but I think HeatherMulder would agree Neglecting
your self-care is actually beingselfish.
Oh yeah, because you can't givethe best of yourself when you
(18:40):
haven't taken care of yourself,right, yeah, it shouldn't always
be about finding the time forself-care.
It should be about making thetime for self-care.
If you're always trying to findthe time, you'll never find it,
because there's literallyalways something else that needs
to be done, right?
So instead, add it to yourcalendar, make it a priority,
make it a part of your dailyroutine.
(19:02):
We know that's how it worksbest.
It's like when you're forminghabits.
You chunk these tasks togetherwith things that you've already
are doing Every day.
If you need to floss, you alsobrush your teeth.
You're already, hopefully,brushing your teeth every day,
so then add the floss pick inright before that and start
doing that, and that's how youbuild habits.
(19:23):
So you need to make self-careinto a habit.
We know that it works best whenit's done as a routine, as a
habit, because you're going tosay this with me now self-care
is not an indulgence.
Repeat it to yourself.
I'm going to pause.
Good girl, you said it.
It is a part of my everydayroutine.
Self-care is not an indulgence.
(19:44):
It is a part of my everydayroutine.
It is a part of my everydaylife.
My walking example.
That's something I do almostevery weekday morning.
Rain or shine, yes, I do go out.
If it's raining, I will put upmy umbrella, my arm will get
tired, I'll switch arms, but Iwill go out if it's raining
because it still feels good togo out.
(20:05):
I get up, I brush my teeth, Itake my medications the many
medications that I take I go peeand I go for a walk.
It's just what I do.
I wake up early in the morningto do that, and that part sucks,
because I love sleep.
Do I want more sleep?
Yeah, of course I do.
Do I hate how I feel if I sleepin and skip my walk?
(20:26):
Yeah, I really do, right?
Yeah, it's just how it is.
That's how I know it's part ofmy self-care, because I hate how
I feel when I don't do it.
So if you're not sure what feelsgood to you or what your
self-care is, think about theparts of your daily routine that
you hate to skip.
You can start thinking of thoseas your tiny moments of
(20:48):
self-care.
Just reframe the mindset aroundthose things.
If you know you hate waking upto a dirty kitchen, then
consider your nighttime routineof putting the kitchen back
together as part of yourself-care.
Just reframe it.
Yes, it's a chore, I get it.
Okay.
But also you feel better in themorning when you wake up and
(21:10):
the kitchen doesn't look like abomb went off, okay.
So just reframe it like thatand then you can start to add in
one or two quote unquoteindulgent things to make you
feel more comfortable,prioritizing yourself.
Maybe, instead of justgrumbling while you clean the
kitchen, you put on yourfavorite playlist and you listen
(21:32):
to some of the songs that makeyou feel good from high school.
Little Nelly hot in here feelsgood to everybody, right.
Ariella Monti (21:39):
Exactly.
Caitlin Kindred (21:39):
Put on your favorite playlist and then clean
the kitchen.
Now, all of a sudden, not onlydo you feel good listening to
some of your favorite songs, butin the morning you know you're
going to feel better about howthe kitchen is.
You'll start to feel morecomfortable prioritizing
yourself If you kind of reframesome of the things that you know
make you feel better asself-care.
Okay, how else can you findtime for self-care aside from
(22:03):
just like?
This is my chore and now I feelbetter doing it, cause that's
kind of lame too, right?
Also, I have to say this beforeI move on have you noticed that
I did not at any time say goingto a spa is self-care?
Ariella Monti (22:16):
Oh yeah, of course, because it's not for
everyone, it's not for bothpeople, honestly.
Caitlin Kindred (22:24):
It's expensive.
If you have a lifestyle yeah,exactly, if you have a lifestyle
where it's a habit for you.
Right, let's be friends, let'shang out more.
Those are like treats, right,those are the indulgences, right
.
Ariella Monti (22:40):
Great.
Caitlin Kindred (22:41):
Yes, they make you feel good, but it's not a
habitual thing.
And again, who has time to dothat and money to do that all
the time?
So there you go.
Okay, anyway, finding time forself-care, find dead time.
Dead time is when you have fiveto 10 minutes here and there,
or sometimes it's more than that.
For example, you have twoappointments that are quote back
(23:02):
to back, but you end up with anhour in between.
That's dead time, cause you'relike I don't want to go home,
cause then I'm going to have togo home and then 10 minutes
later I'm going to come rightback around, like that's the
kind of stuff I'm talking about.
So I have a friend whointentionally leaves for school
pickup more than 30 minutesevery day she does.
She does it for two reasons.
(23:22):
One, she gets the parking spotRight, cause we all know the car
line is everyone's nightmare.
Two, she uses that time in thecar line while she's sitting and
waiting at the parking spot tomake phone calls, set
appointments and scroll socialmedia Like what that's genius,
(23:42):
it's so smart.
She's like that's when I makeall my appointments, like I just
call and make appointments, orI get the kids set up for this,
or I pay bills online, likethat's what she's doing with
that time.
But she I mentioned to her likehey, the school bus picks up my
child and drops him off, likeacross the street.
So like, if you just don't wantto do that, like tell me and
(24:06):
I'll make sure my son will sitwith your son and make him feel
good about being on the bus.
And she was like, oh, like Ilove the idea of having more
time, but like that's my time.
And I knew exactly what shemeant by like that's my time.
I was like, okay, I'm not goingto push the issue because for
her it feels good to leave atthat time of day and use that
(24:27):
time to do the things that makeher feel better.
And it's dead time.
Ariella Monti (24:30):
I like to pair things because, as you know,
people with ADHD we have a hardtime forming habits, but we're
better with routine.
So I like to pair stuff withthings that are already
established in my routine.
So I have an establishedroutine that I spend some time
(24:54):
outside every day when theweather is nice, and what I
started doing is pairing thatwith this practice called
morning pages.
So it's basically anopportunity to write.
You don't have to do it in themorning.
So what I started doing istaking my notebook outside and
doing these morning pages whenI'm outside.
So when I'm outside, then I domy morning pages and I'll set a
(25:21):
timer for like 20 minutes.
I have my notebook in my hand,I write kind of whatever random
crap comes to my head, but thatis 20 minutes, that I am not
doom scrolling and it's a selfcare activity that is being
tacked on to something that I'malready doing and just makes
(25:45):
that thing that I'm doing moreenjoyable, as opposed to
something like doom scrollingthreads, which does not make me
feel better.
Caitlin Kindred (25:55):
Right.
So, while scrolling threadsduring your outside time does
not make you feel better, doingyour morning pages during your
outside time does make you feelbetter, and it's you forming a
self-care habit by adding on anactivity to something you're
(26:16):
already doing, something you'realready doing.
Getting back to the concept ofdead time, if you have dead time
and you intend to use it for aself-care thing, just remember
that you might need more timethan you think you have.
Like, I'm terrible with objectpermanence and time.
Yes, so for me, I'll say, oh,this will only take me 30
(26:37):
minutes, and it ends up taking45 or 50.
And I just am terrible at that.
So just keep that in mind, okay.
Another way to help yourselffind time for self-care is to
delegate and outsource taskswhen you can.
Now, I said when you can for areason If you can afford this,
(26:59):
outsource tasks that someoneelse can do, meaning someone
else can do them and you don'thave to teach them how to do it.
Okay, if you like your clothesfolded a certain way, you can't
delegate that task to someoneelse and expect them to do it,
because then you're just goingto go back and refold the
clothes the way that you want,all right, so it has to be a
(27:20):
task that you feel completelycomfortable giving to someone
else.
Consider swapping chores withsomeone else in the house to get
your needs met.
This will be especially easierfor you as your kids get older.
I would.
I'm just going to put this sidenote out here.
(27:41):
You should make self-care afamily affair.
If you have kids in the home,you need to teach them about the
importance of self-care early,and you need to start doing that
by modeling.
We talk about modeling on thisshow all the time, and you will
need to be explicit and say thisis mommy's 20 minutes to go
outside and do my morning pages.
This is what makes mommy anicer person later in the day.
(28:01):
You need to let mommy do thisand it is okay to say that, and
as they get older, they'llunderstand exactly what you mean
and they'll be more willing toprovide support.
When that person says I need todo this for myself, I need to
take 30 minutes for myself, butin the meantime, you need to be
(28:21):
explicit and communicative aboutyour needs, and it's really
hard to do that, especially formoms.
Actually, I'm going to applaudJenny here at the moment.
She just said to me the otherday.
This is hard for me, but I'mabout to ask for help.
Good job, jenny.
I know right, like what anamazing thing to say.
This is hard for me, but I'mgoing to ask for help, and she
(28:43):
did ask for help and I providedher with what I could Be.
Like her, be willing to saythis is hard for me, but I need
help.
Can you please take on XYZtasks so that I can have 30
minutes to myself Now?
I am really hopeful that youhave a partner who sees and
understands what that 30 minutes, or however long you need, will
(29:05):
actually do for you, and whenyour kids are old enough, you
can tag them in too.
I need to think about how toprovide advice for someone who
has a partner who is not willingto offer that help, because you
are the ones who need this themost.
You are the ones who are on theedge of burnout the most, and I
understand that.
I'm really hopeful that thereis at least someone in your life
(29:26):
who you can lean on for this,because otherwise this
particular way of findingself-care is not going to work
for you, because you don't havesomeone in your life who you can
delegate and outsource tasks to.
If you're in Austin, let meknow, I'll try and come by and
help.
The other thing I was going tosay is in terms of finding time
again, you probably have thatequation of like work plus
(29:49):
family, plus whatever, plusother self-care in your head and
I think you might need toreassess the urgency of your
to-dos.
Okay, if you can't swap, youcan't outsource, you can't
delegate.
You need to think about whatactually has to be done right
now.
What can wait until tomorrow,what can wait until next week.
Take care of the right nowthings, because that will make
(30:10):
you feel better.
You won't feel so anxious.
Push off the rest in favor ofyourself.
Make a plan to come back tothose other tasks later on, or
maybe you, you know, later inthe week, those become your
right now things.
Maybe the trip to the store canwait until tomorrow.
Maybe it can't all right, butthose baseboards can wait I've
(30:34):
been waiting for like 15 mighthave been waiting since I moved
into this I'm gonna bereal clear, but rethinking the
the urgency of some of yourtasks might make you feel a
little less pressure.
So just to wrap this up in asmessy a bow as I possibly can
(30:55):
Self-care is not about indulgingyourself.
Self-care is about self-respect, meaning you need to give
yourself the respect you deserveby treating yourself with the
same level of respect that youtreat the other more important
people in your life and, by theway, they're not more important
(31:16):
than you, they're just not.
You are more than likely a verydedicated and devoted mother,
but your kids need the bestversion of yourself, yep, so you
need to promise yourself thatyou're not going to use your
regular self-care things as anemergency response when you're
losing it.
Okay, cleaning the kitchen withyour music on does not help you
(31:40):
when you've already completelygone off the deep end.
Ariella Monti (31:46):
That's what it's yeah, a fire extinguisher is not
going to help when your entirehouse is on fire, but the fire
extinguisher will help when it'sjust a small little fire on
your stove yeah, oh that was agood one right, that's a good
way to think of it.
Caitlin Kindred (32:03):
Okay, so again, I'm not a doctor.
I think my rambling in thisepisode proves that If you are
on the edge of complete burnout,I would highly recommend going
to Psychology Today.
It's a great website to find alocal resource for yourself.
It tells you what kind ofinsurance these psychiatrists
and therapists are taking ifthey're accepting new clients,
(32:26):
what their specialties are.
Please go seek help if you arereally losing it.
That might be a good place tostart.
Okay, we'll be right back afterthis break For links to
resources mentioned in thisepisode.
Head on over tockandgkpodcastcom slash blog to
find everything you need, and besure to follow us on social
media.
Head over to your favoritesocial media network and find us
(32:49):
at CK and GK podcast.
And now back to the show.
Okay, I'm wiping my nosebecause it's austin and it's
allergy season is starting, yay,okay, we're back, though.
Speaking of self-care, I havean obsession oh yeah, I want to
hear about it, of course.
(33:10):
Okay, for valentine's day, myhusband got me a, an eye mask.
Now, this is not just like a,it's not like one of those
things which, by the way, thoselike gold foils that I I totally
had those collagen eye bagthings on before we got on this
morning.
But, um, this is a.
It wraps around your head, it'slike a whole big thing and it's
(33:32):
like electronic and it haspressure and heat and vibration
and music.
This thing is wild.
Ariella Monti (33:42):
I I'm almost positive that my husband has
something similar, because heloves like that kind of stuff,
and I'm, oh my god, almostpositive he's got something like
that your husband gives me.
Caitlin Kindred (33:58):
Did you ever see as good as it gets that
movie with um greg kameer and uhhelen hunt and jack nicholson?
Ariella Monti (34:06):
I'm sure I did, but it's been a long, long, long
, long time there's a scenewhere jack nicholson takes like
this epic shower.
Caitlin Kindred (34:13):
It takes him like two hours and he comes out
and then the as he comes out,he's backlit, so he's this just
dark shadow and all the steamcomes out behind.
That's the vibe that I amgetting from your husband.
I can totally see him beinginto this mask, but it's.
It's amazing Like it.
I put it on and it's like closeyour eyes and enjoy and it
(34:33):
starts like heating up andpumping air into itself and like
giving me pressurized massagearound on my temples and on my
cheekbone.
It's amazing.
I love this thing.
That sounds pretty amazing.
Yeah, yeah, if I can't sleep,I'll put this thing on and I'm
out Like right after.
So it's like, okay, you're done, leave it on for a minute and
(34:55):
then you just it kind of coolsoff and then you take it off and
I'm out like a light.
Ariella Monti (35:11):
It, and then you just it kind of cools off, and
then you take it off and I'm outlike a light.
It's amazing, it's good, thatsounds cool.
Yeah, I am having one of thoseadhd brain fart moments where I
cannot think of anything thatI'm even remotely obsessed with,
though I know it exists.
Caitlin Kindred (35:19):
That's okay.
You don't have to have anobsession.
I can tell you my gem, if youwant I'd love to hear your gem
uh, sam was using my self careeye mask.
Oh no, because I was like I wasso excited about it.
I went out after I had beenusing it in our bedroom and I
went out to bryce and I was likeyou need to try this, like
(35:40):
overly excited, like yeah, andhe does.
And of course Sam is like I, Ineed to try it too, like I have
to.
So then my husband snaps apicture and he sends it to our
like family chat and my sweetmother-in-law goes that's cool,
is that VR?
(36:00):
Because that's the look.
Ariella Monti (36:03):
It totally looks like you're wearing one of those
Quest VR headsets.
Caitlin Kindred (36:08):
It's exactly what it looks like and it's
hilarious.
And it just made me laughbecause I was like she's right,
that is why I look like I'mdoing VR.
Except I'm my VR is that I'mlying on my bed Doing nothing.
But yeah, he looked reallyfunny and it's like so it's
heavy, right.
So he's like trying to hold hishead up.
Ariella Monti (36:28):
He looked like a bobblehead, that's adorable.
I did think of my obsession.
Caitlin Kindred (36:38):
Yes, let's hear it.
Ariella Monti (36:40):
The freaking weather that we're having right
now in North Carolina Now, atthe time of our recording a week
ago, there was literal ice andsnow on the ground.
Caitlin Kindred (36:55):
We all got that right, I think so.
It was freezing everywhere.
Ariella Monti (36:58):
Yeah, it was like the whole.
It was the week thatPresident's Day happened.
On Monday my kid went to schoolfor one day and then they had
three days off because of iceand snow and everything.
But this week has beendelightful and like I've got the
(37:18):
windows open.
Delightful, and like I've gotthe windows open, it's that time
of the year in north carolina,where it's before the pollining
takes place, so you can open upyour windows without having the
pine pollen all over stuff I'mI'm excited for good weather too
.
Caitlin Kindred (37:35):
We have some of that right now.
I'm glad that that's your andit's good for you because you
get to go outside in that and,like, enjoy it.
I think that's what we have fortoday.
Ariella Monti (37:45):
I didn't give my gem.
I want to give the gem.
Caitlin Kindred (37:47):
Oh, I tell me your gem.
Ariella Monti (37:49):
My gem is that my book is out today.
Caitlin Kindred (37:52):
I okay, If you've missed it, I have a
section of the show notes forthe past two weeks that are all
about author Ariella Monti.
Now I'm going to do the samething for this one.
I'll put her links in the shownotes.
You can also go to our blogpost for the episode and get all
of her stuff there, but herbook is out officially like
(38:13):
officially out, like four yearsof of working on this book and
it's finally, finally out in theworld the cover.
But you guys, the cover is sobeautiful I.
Ariella Monti (38:26):
That's an obsession that I should.
It is so beautiful I amobsessed with it.
Amanda hawkins of eternalgeekery did that cover and I
sent her, you know, somethoughts and inspiration and
stuff and it was like she cameinto my head and pulled out like
(38:50):
exactly what I was looking forit is absolutely gorgeous it is
like more than I ever it's darkand beautiful and like
mysterious looking.
Caitlin Kindred (39:03):
It's got the plant vibe that you are, that
you give off like it is.
Oh, it's in the color choices.
It's a beautiful cover.
If you haven't seen it, go lookat the the blog post for this
episode.
You'll see a picture of thecover.
I'm super excited for you.
This is so great.
This is absolutely a gem.
Congratulations, I'm thrilledfor you.
So your self-care you have topromise is that you are going to
(39:27):
revel in your accomplishment.
You're going to be proud ofyourself because, regardless of
how well the book will do which,by the way, I have complete
faith that it will do well, butyou accomplished something.
You worked really hard on it.
It turned out beautifully, like.
You need to enjoy that.
That's what you have to do.
(39:48):
That's your homework.
Ariella Monti (39:48):
I will I promise.
Caitlin Kindred (39:50):
Okay, jenny would tell you to make good
choices.
I'm just going to tell you totake care of yourself.
Bye, bye.
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