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August 12, 2025 46 mins

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Parenting a neurospicy kid is a special type of challenge. Former teacher Caitlin and ADHD mom Ariella share real strategies for the trenches (because ‘just listen OMG’ isn’t working).

BTW: Your kid isn’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time. And you? You’re doing better than you think.

Who Should Listen

  • Parents who’ve googled “why does my ADHD kid argue about EVERYTHING?” at 2 AM
  • Anyone who’s found a lost permission slip in the freezer
  • Teachers who want to better support ADHD students (and their exhausted parents)

What You Get In This Episode

  1. The ‘47 Asks’ Challenge: Why your kid genuinely doesn’t hear you (and how to ditch the nagging).
  2. Transition Meltdowns Decoded: The 3-phase science behind “GET IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW” fails.
  3. The Love of Arguing: Why your child debates like a tiny lawyer (and how to redirect it).
  4. The ‘Lost & Found’ Cycle: “Launch pads” and “drop zones” and visual checklists for forgetful kiddos.

Listen for the full list plus science-backed strategies to cope.

Bios

  • Caitlin (CK): Former teacher who’s witnessed and caused ADHD chaos.
  • Ariella Monti: Author and ADHD mom who bribes with screen time (and refuses to fight about jackets).

Sources & Mentions

Get the full list plus links in this episode’s blog post.

  • ADDitude Mag
  • Book: The Explosive Child by Ross Greene (collaborative problem-solving).
  • Instagram creators: 
    • Dr. Steven Storage
    • NurtureADHD

The best support is a rating and a share.

Love,
CK & GK

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View our website at ckandgkpodcast.com. Find us on social media @ckandgkpodcast on
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Thanks, y'all!

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Caitlin Kindred (00:00):
Yeah, sleepy, okay.
Hi friends, we are super gladyou're here.
Hopefully you have more energythan we do.
It's okay.
If you don't, it's all right,but we're trying to bring it for
you today.
How about that?
This is how to Be a Grown Up.
This is the how-to show forwomen who've texted SOS to their
group chat this week or ever,anytime, every day, every day,

(00:28):
all the time.
I'm Caitlin, and with me todayis ariela monti.
She's a novelist and a neurospicy mom of a neuro spicy child
, who also happens to be amichelin starred snack of wisdom
and wit I love it.
Michelin starred I read a thingabout michelin why it's a
Michelin starred restaurant,like why is a tire company

(00:48):
involved?
And it all has to do withpromoting tires to travel, to go
to restaurants.
Oh is that why it's all about.
It's all related to that, Isn'tthat weird?

Ariella Monti (01:00):
It's like when the highway and when the tires
and everything.

Caitlin Kindred (01:02):
When it all first started, it was like this
is worth driving your tires on.
Use Michelin tires to go tothis place.
I'll find it was an Instagrampost that told us all about it.
It was a really cool one.
I was like fascinated.
I'll find it.

Ariella Monti (01:18):
I think I saved it.
Yeah, it was really interesting.

Caitlin Kindred (01:21):
Anyway, we should have talked about that on
the food episode fail all rightthat well today we're not
talking about that today.
We're talking about parentingthe adhd child because, because
the sos right, like just because, because it's hard, because you

(01:45):
need to hear all these thingsand you're not alone, and all
that stuff.
But before we do that, are yousubscribed to this show?
Make sure you hit.
You should be.
Yeah, I know right by now.
Come on, you need to hit thatfollow or subscribe or whatever
word your favorite podcast appuses to make sure that you don't
miss episodes.
So take a minute, let's do thatnow.

(02:05):
Great, thank you.
Well done, very compliant,unlike the ADHD child.
So let's get into it.
I have a bunch of sources today,primarily from Attitude Mag,
and a couple of Instagramcreators that I really like.
One of them is Dr StephenStorage and another one is
NurtureADHD, and these are allthe posts that I used are linked

(02:30):
in the blog post for theepisode.
I also would recommend theExplosive Child as a book by Dr
Ross Green.
He wrote one of the articles inADHD mag that I used or, sorry,
not ADHD mag, attitude mag thatI used for this episode, and I
was looking at just the summaryof it.
I haven't read the whole thing.

(02:51):
I've read, you know, like achapter one or something, and so
far I'm interested and I wouldlike to keep going, but could be
worth looking at.
So again, that's called theExplosive Child.
And then we've been talking somuch about ADHD that I decided
to put together an ADHD playliston Spotify.
So that's also linked in theshow notes for this episode and

(03:12):
you can grab that and listen toall the ADHD things, pass it
along to people who need it, etc.
So if you know how to fold afitted sheet, then this analogy
does not apply to you.
But parenting a child with ADHDcan be like trying to fold a
fitted sheet if you don't knowwhat you're doing, while also
somehow managing to do it on aroller coaster.

Ariella Monti (03:34):
So just, imagine the utter chaos, Right totally.
There's probably a sock stucksomewhere Right.

Caitlin Kindred (03:41):
You're both screaming.
You have no idea how otherpeople can make it look so easy
and handle it all.
So today we're talking aboutreal strategies for raising an
ADHD kiddo without losing yourown freaking mind in the process
.
A couple of notes here.
These are specific to childrenwith ADHD.
I am very aware thatneurodivergent children come in

(04:04):
all different spice levels andvarieties, but we're talking
about ADHD spice in particularbecause that's where we have the
experience and I don't want tomake any assumptions about other
spice children when I don'thave experience with that.
You might see some of thesecharacteristics in children with

(04:24):
autism or other neurodivergentyou know children, I don't.
I don't want to speak aboutthat.
So this is specific to ADHD andmy experiences with my own
child and again know that we arenot therapists, we're not
mental health professionals.
We've done the research herebecause, again, it affects us
personally and because we wantedto have something good for you,

(04:44):
for the show.
But that does not make usprofessionals.
We are just two women trying todo the best we can with what we
got.

Ariella Monti (04:52):
This is very much a like.
Hey, I read an interestingarticle that you might find
helpful.

Caitlin Kindred (05:00):
This is like the Michelin star Instagram post
of ADHD children, right Like me, just like putting pulling out
things that I found fascinating,interesting, helpful for me,
sharing them with you, okay.
So I want to start with this.
You need to start by managingyour parental expectations.

(05:21):
Okay, I understand that many ofus, as millennials, have boomer
parents who had parents whowere part of the greatest
generation.
There is a level of parenting,learning and unlearning that
comes generationally, and sothere was a time when immediate
compliance was the expectation.

(05:42):
But the things that ADHD peoplestruggle with, like executive
function challenges, sensoryoverload, emotional
dysregulation, are all thingsthat ADHD kids struggle with,
and because they're children,it's worse.
So that means that there are afew things that you just simply
cannot expect an ADHD child tobe good at right away.

(06:05):
The first of these iscompliance, in particular,
immediate compliance.
So if you have that expectationand your child has ADHD, get
over it, because it ain'thappening.
It's so unreasonable.
Why would you ever Perfectexecution of any sort of task?
Unreasonable to expect thatImpulse control.

(06:28):
Completely unreasonable Stayingorganized Some of us my
particular flavor of ADHD has acompulsion to organize, but then
I make folders for my foldersfor my folders and I
overcomplicate.
So staying organized is verydifficult for me, as it is for
many ADHD children.

(06:48):
Being on time, why?
Because time doesn't exist ifyou're not looking at it.
So multitasking and orfollowing multi-step directions
kind of unreasonable to ask ofyour ADHD child and emotional
regulation specificallypertaining to frustration,
tolerance and or constructivequote unquote constructive

(07:09):
criticism those are all thingsthat it's pretty unreasonable
for you to have an ADHD, for youto expect your ADHD child to be
good at Right Automatically.

Ariella Monti (07:22):
Absolutely yeah.

Caitlin Kindred (07:23):
So, that said, there are a few behaviors that
are especially challenging forme, and they are probably for
you too, and so here's the listand how to a couple of.
I'm going to say these as quickfixes.
They're not quick fixes, I'mjust offering them to you as a
tip you might want to try.
So the first of them is the Iasked you 47 times problem.

(07:48):
Parents get frustrated becauseasking over and over again feels
like defiance.
It's not defiance, it'sneurology.
The reason it happens, thereason you have to ask 47 times,
is because ADHD kids strugglewith working memory and task
initiation.
So you might try a couple ofthings that would help.

(08:13):
One of them is being onerequest plus a visual cue.
So you say shoes on and youpoint to shoes right, dishes
away, and you point to shoesright, dishes away, and you're
carrying your dishes to the sinkSomething that shows them what

(08:34):
you're supposed to be doing.
Also, using timers withphysical reminders, like put a
timer next to the backpack and acountdown timer that has some
visual aspect to it, where theycan actually see the time
disappearing, could be veryhelpful for the asking 47 times.
Mine is not just that I asked47 times, it's that he also uses
that time to think of all thethings he has not yet done in
the day and do those instead.

(08:57):
So it's like go take a bath andit's like mom, do you want to go
outside and play with gracie?
No, I want you to go take abath.
Dad, let's go hit baseballs.
No, it's time to take a bath.
Did you know that you could?
And I'm like, bro, this is notthe time.
So that's why we end up asking47 to 10.
Speaking of that transitioningfrom task to task another

(09:18):
challenge for many ADHD childrenOnce again, parents are
frustrated because you're askingover and over and over again,
and when you try to help withthe transition, it often turns
into an argument, at least at myhouse.
I don't know, I'm asking for afriend, it turns out.
Here's what I learned it turnsout that transitioning from one

(09:40):
test to another is way morecomplicated than we thought it
was.
Because of course it is.
Why wouldn't it be?
Because a neurotypical personcan do it and it's so much more
than that.
So there are three types oftransitions from task to task.
One of them is physical, mental, the other is emotional.
So those are three, and asingle transition might have all
three of these included.
Yay, and there are three phasesof a transition.

(10:04):
So, making the initial moveaway from the activity,
navigating the path between thelast activity and the future one
and then starting the newactivity, right?
So all three of those stepsrequire say it with me executive
function executive function.

Ariella Monti (10:22):
We don't have executive function, right so?

Caitlin Kindred (10:26):
yeah.
So the the fixes here are.
They sound easy and they're not, so just again, I'm not trying
to oversimplify, I'm just tryingto offer quick tips.
Establish routines.
Okay, always do this thingafter that thing, and adhd
brains hate routines, but theydo best with them.
So it's just what you're goingto have to do.

(10:48):
Every time we come home.
We always wash our hands.
After we wash our hands, wealways have a snack.
Just keep it consistent as muchas you can.
Be sure to give visual and audiocues before and during
transitions.
Okay, in five minutes we aredone with screen time.
Here's the timer.
Here's the five minutes it'scounting down.

(11:08):
The timer makes a noise.
Hey, that was your five minutes.
Now we're done with screen time.
Now we're going to, and thenwhatever the next activity is, I
also like using timers thatinclude songs.
So what I did this with mystudents.
A lot would be like okay, youhave two minutes to clean up
your space, get your notebookand be ready for our next

(11:30):
activity.
Our next activity is going tobe XYZ, and then I would play a
song that lasted the amount oftime that they had, and then it
would be like the same song youknow every day, for a week, for
a little while for each class,and then I would move to another
song.
But then by the time I hadgotten to, like you know, a
couple of weeks in, we could Icould use three or four

(11:52):
different songs and they wouldknow how much time each one of
them had, because they had heardit sometimes to know what each
one was, so that might be a goodway to do that too.

Ariella Monti (12:00):
I like timers that like the OK to Wake clocks,
and timers the ones that havenot only sound and light.
Those are extremely helpful.
We use ours during the schoolyear and we haven't been because
it's summer.
But I'm realizing now that weare in camp and camp has a very

(12:25):
similar like school schedule toit.
But I haven't put on the the,the lamp Like I.
Yeah, I have troubletransitioning because all of a
sudden, where I used to havesomething that said, hey, you've
got 10 minutes before you haveto leave, like now, it's just

(12:47):
like, oh crap, we're gonna belate, like Yep.
Those visuals are so important.

Caitlin Kindred (12:54):
Yeah, there's also one that I used to have for
myself when I was teaching.
That was like, okay, if Iwanted to have a lesson that was
going to be no more than 20minutes so that my kids could
have XYZ amount of work time.
It would like be green duringthe first 15 minutes and then
turn yellow when I hit fiveminutes left, and then it would

(13:15):
turn red in the last minute.
So that was super good for me.
And those exist, so that itmight be really good to see the
actual time change in that waytoo, not just something that
ticks it down.
So good one.
The next one is the emotionaltornado which we've discussed in
the past.

(13:35):
But these are things.
Parents get frustrated becausethe meltdowns that are happening
seem to happen over, quoteunquote small things, right,
like the wrong color cup.
When they're two, the wrongcolor cup makes sense, right,
those are like.
Those are the why my kid iscrying thing.
Because I wouldn't let my kideat the mail, you know, whatever

(13:56):
it is, which you know, ofcourse we've seen I wouldn't let
my child, you know, eat thedirty sock, whatever it is.
That makes sense when they'retwo, but when they're nine and
they're upset about the wrongcolor cup, it's a little bit
crazier, right.
So it happens because of thatemotional dysregulation that

(14:18):
ADHDers have.
But also there's sensorysensitivities that go into that
and there could also be some RSD, that rejection, sensitive
dysphoria coming in.
So fixing this is not easy,right.
But there are things you can do, like name it to tame it.
You're not saying, you know,wow, you're mad about that.
You can say, wow, your brain isreally mad about that cup.

(14:40):
Let's find a solution to that,right?
Or we've talked about namingyour guilt and naming the ADHD
gremlin that you have, gladys,right?
You can say, wow, you know,snoop is really upset about that
, right, I don't know whatyou're going to name it, but
let's find a solution.
You can also offer some sort ofsensory reset.

(15:03):
Maybe that's a crunchy snack ora cold washcloth which you've
brought up before.
Maybe it's jumping jacks, maybeit's something to get the
wiggles out.
Whatever it is, but some sortof sensory vagus nerve
stimulation, anything like thatthat might help calm that
tornado, would be a good thingto apply here.

Ariella Monti (15:29):
It's the lizard brain, dysregulated, just
they're, they're all fight orflight.
The end, that logical side isjust non-existent.
I mean, I mean, kids alreadyhave a, an underdeveloped, you

(15:50):
know full frontal cortex, yeah,that, yeah, thank you um and
then you throw in, you know,emotional dysregulation, and
they are just all lizard brainso you know, they're basically a
little tyrannosaurus rex, andso to get them back from a
tyrannosaurus rex into, I don'tknow, a cuddly chicken, then I

(16:17):
don't know what was the firstthing that came to mind.

Caitlin Kindred (16:20):
I mean chickens are descendants of dinosaurs,
sure, why not?

Ariella Monti (16:27):
listen works for me there was a pheasant in my
yard the other day and I don'tknow how you can look at some of
these birds and not be like yes, that was a dinosaur at one
time for real, but any case, yes.
So anything that can kind oflike shock your kid out of that

(16:51):
lizard brain is going to help,you know, get to the get out of
the emotional tornado and likeinto whatever they need to be.

Caitlin Kindred (17:01):
And it's so hard too, because our default is
to like try to reason with it.
But I keep coming back to likethere have been some parents in
my teaching career where theywere legitimately borderline
crazy, and I don't mean likeneeded mental health, like there
was some sort of concern, Imean like this person is

(17:22):
actually mad, like a hatter,like this person is gone, and I
would just tell myself, okay,remember, you can't reason with
crazy.
You can't.
Crazy doesn't respond to reason.
So if you tell yourself mychild is crazy in this moment,
you can't reason with crazy,what do you have to do to calm
them down?
Like that that might be a good,I don't know, I'll do that with

(17:45):
him.
I'm like okay, remember, can'treason with crazy.
Do you want a snack?
Are you hungry?
And then that usually will turninto an argument.
So let's talk about the nextchallenge, which is the
incessant arguing.
It feels like defiance.
Right, it does.
And the times that I've toldmyself you are blatant.

(18:08):
This is what's the line fromthe Lion King you deliberately
disobeyed me.
No, I didn't.
You deliberately disobeyed me.
Yes, you did right.
So it happens because and thisis according to the Instagram
creator, dr Stephen Storch ADHDbrains crave stimulation and,

(18:33):
believe it or not, arguingboosts dopamine.
This is why ADHDers love to havethat shower argument that we
always win right.
It gives kids a sense ofcontrol.
It gives you a mental challengeand a hit of excitement that
their brain finds rewarding.
So it's not necessarilydefiance, it's dopamine-seeking
behavior.

(18:54):
So that means in order to fixit, you have to start by
reframing your own mindset.
Caitlin and other moms outthere okay, arguing is often a
stressed or under-stimulatedbrain.
It's not a disrespectful child.
So the fix here is give twochoices that you can live with.

(19:15):
It creates structure, boostdopamine without the conflict
and helps build flexiblethinking.
What I mean is do you want touse the red toothbrush or the
blue toothbrush?
Not, you know.
Do you want to brush your teeth?
Because that's not negotiable.
What's negotiable is how theybrush their teeth.
Okay, do you want to use yourmouthwash first, which is what

(19:37):
you're supposed to do, or brushyour teeth first?
Which one it's not.
And whatever the lesser of twoevils is, you can include it in
there.
It doesn't matter, you justhave to give them something that
they can choose from.
And it sounds like it's notgoing to work on an older kid,
because I think we hear thispiece of advice for toddlers all
the time.
Right, it's like which cup areyou going to use?
The red one or the blue one?

(19:58):
And they get to choose.
But it does work for olderchildren as well.
So keep that in mind and youcan let them help come up with
the choices.
Right, as they get older.
They can do that Like well, Idon't want to use my mouthwash
first or brush my teeth first.
I want to scrape my tongue offfirst.
Okay, great, scrape your tongueoff first and then brush your
teeth and do it whatever orderyou want.

(20:19):
I don't care, just do that.
Offer them that.
The next challenge as kids getolder is homework.
Hell, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, the reason parents getfrustrated is because it feels

(20:39):
like every other challengecombined into one right.
There's arguing, there'stransitioning, there's the
emotion, there's the redirecting47 times.
It's really hard to get throughhomework, especially especially
for ADHD kids, and ADHD brainscrave novelty, which a worksheet
or a workbook is not.

(21:00):
It's torture for a kid, right?
Yeah?
So the way to fix this,homework doesn't go away.
That's the problem with this islike they have to understand
that while there are lots ofteachers who don't believe in
homework, there are just as manywho still do.
And it's not going to goanywhere.

(21:21):
And you know, when you are anadult, homework just becomes
work you have to do to try toget paid for.
So, like you just need tounderstand it's not going
anywhere.
So you have to try to make itfun for yourself.
Maybe you turn a boring taskinto a silly challenge.
Can you do your multiplicationtable flashcards while also
bouncing on one foot?
Can you hop on?

(21:42):
Can you do it five times andthen hop on the other foot five
times?
And then we'll do three moreflashcards.
Whatever it is, try to turn itinto something fun.
Okay, you can break it up intomanageable chunks.
This is a good thing.
Teachers understand this verywell.
You take 10 minutes of work.
They get a five minute dancebreak.
Or one of the things I like todo is I'll take a manila folder

(22:06):
and I would cut it up intothirds so that the backside is
still the same, like thebackside is still one piece but
the front side has like threedifferent flaps on it and I
would hover, so like I wouldjust close the first two and
then uncover that that top thirdof the page would be covered or

(22:27):
uncovered and they could dothat part.
And then we take a break andthen they uncover the next part,
they see that they've alreadydone half of the work, because
the first you know third is doneof those two thirds.
Okay.
And then when they open up thelast third, wow, look, I've
already done all of this.
It's just this much more to go,I'll be fine, I can do it.

Ariella Monti (22:47):
So that's when I do it.
That's good, I like that?

Caitlin Kindred (22:51):
Yeah, I would highly recommend that one.
It helps a lot.
My one caveat here about breaksespecially for an ADHD parent
sometimes the break is a littlelonger than you anticipated
because of time blindness.
So either have a timer set forthe break or take their lead on
the break or do something.
That's a break in that it's notcompleting the homework, right

(23:14):
then, but it's similar, right.
So it's not like you go fromdoing math facts to a total
dance party or a dip in the pool.
They need to kind of stay closeto each other in relation so
that you can get them back.
Otherwise you're faced withthat transition challenge again.
So, like you know, if a dancebreak works, great, but if it's

(23:37):
too different for them toresettle, then maybe consider
something a little closer to theassignment.
Maybe they get to color on thefolder for five minutes or
something.
I don't know, but justsomething to think about.
This next challenge is beingcalled the forgetful professor
syndrome.
So like, very smart child, morethan likely a brilliant child,

(24:00):
but who, like, drops everythingand is kind of a hot mess
because executive functioningskills aren't there.
So this is lost.
Permission slips, theoccasional missing shoe, just
the one shoe, not not bothunfinished chores, stuff like
that.
So again, adhd brains strugglewith executive function and
these are all the things thatrequire executive function to be

(24:22):
done.
So if we don't have dopamine,we can't hang on to permission
slips.
You can't remember to find theother shoe, whatever it is.
The fix is externalizing memory.
Do not rely on your brain oryour child's brain to remember
things.
Now my son has just enoughanxiety that if I say please

(24:46):
remember to look in the lost andfound for your sweatshirt, he
probably will do it, but onlybecause there's a piece of
anxiety that's behind it.
Otherwise he wouldn't.
You know what I mean.
He wouldn't remember.
But do whatever you can toexternalize that memory.
So maybe you have a launch padof all the things that need to
be done before school in themorning backpack, keys, shoes,
spot by the door, whatever.
Like I have my keys by the door, I have my purse by the door.

(25:09):
Why wouldn't he also have hisstuff by the door?

Ariella Monti (25:11):
Right, yeah, we have a drop zone by the door
right?
Yeah, we have a drop zone.
Yes, exactly yeah, that's wherecomes in shoes.
Come off.
Backpack, backpack goes in thekitchen.
It's just the same routineevery single time yep, because
if not, like somebody'sforgetting to pull the homework

(25:33):
out, somebody's going to forgetthe food in the lunchbox until
the next day.
That's me, that's a big problem.

Caitlin Kindred (25:40):
Yeah, I do that too.
But yeah, visual checklists arealso helpful here.
So, like, don't just say getyour backpack ready.
Take a picture of what a readybackpack looks like.
Ready backpack has the lunchboxinside with the homework folder
and the planner that the kidsare filling out in school.
Take a picture of that open andthen another picture of it

(26:04):
closed, with the two next toeach other, and then say
backpack ready.
That's what that looks like,showing them what ready means in
addition to having theinstruction there, and they'll
be able to start to put thattogether.
Okay, the last main challengeI'm going to talk about.
We have others, of course, butthe last one is social speed

(26:26):
bumps.
This is frustrating for parentsbecause kids interrupt.
Adhd kids in particular arenotorious for this.
They miss social cues.
Sometimes they do things thatare like kind of cringy, they
overshare stuff like that.
It happens because navigatingsocial interactions requires

(26:47):
various mental processes, notthe least of which are related
to executive function skills.
All of them come back toexecutive function skills and
remember, adhd kids lackexecutive function skills.
So there's a few ways to workon this.
One share your internaldialogue to model POV thinking

(27:11):
right.
Wow, that was so nice ofAriella to let Brenna use her
umbrella.
I bet Joey really saw how nicethat was and appreciated it too.
Right, like something that showswhat it's like to experience
something you can role playscenarios.
Right, like what, if yourfriend's face looks funny that

(27:34):
day because there's a boogerhanging out of it?
What would you do, right?
Would you point and laugh orwould you say, hey, you have a
bat in the cave, let's fix it.
We talk about that with ours.
It's like if it takes less thanfive minutes to fix, then you
should tell the person that theycan fix it.
But, yeah, teach social scriptslike can I play too?

(27:55):
Instead of barging in right, orsorry to interrupt, what were
you guys talking about?
Something like that would behelpful.
And I have to say thisextracurriculars for ADHD kids,
they're a must, like it doesn'tmatter what the extracurricular
is.
They need to be hearinginstructions from someone other

(28:16):
than their parent, other thantheir teacher, and they also
need to be in these spaces withother children where adults are
not always hovering, because theonly way for them to get better
at social skills is to practicesocial skills.
Right, right, right, right,right, right, right, right,

(28:40):
right, right, right, right,right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right,right.
I would highly recommend,especially if your child is
hyperactive, physicallyhyperactive, find a sport for
them to play.
Find some way for them tounleash creativity.

(29:03):
I know Killian does pottery,sam likes to play basketball.
These are all things that arereally good for these kids.

Ariella Monti (29:09):
You have to let them practice these social
skills away from their parents,away from their parents,
especially when you considerCOVID and the pandemic, and like
kids lost.
So especially kids our age,because it happened during
preschool, where they learn alot of those early socialization

(29:31):
skills and everything wentonline skills and everything
went online.
It's it makes all of thatpractice, that socialization
practice, I think, even moreimportant, because we're almost
like making up for what all ofthose kids missed and it's not

(29:53):
like they're a lost cause, ofcourse, no, of course.
But I think that that's alsosomething that we have to like
keep in mind when we talk aboutmodeling socialization and
putting our kids in in.
You know why it's so importantto do.
It's like that extra layer ofwhy this is important.

Caitlin Kindred (30:14):
Agree.
There are a few otherfrustrations I wanted to talk
about.
The primary one for me ispunishments that don't work, are

(30:41):
hard to punish because ADHDbrains struggle to connect the
behavior that's happening nowwith a consequence for the
future.
For example, your kid mouthsoff to you and you take away
their screens for a week.
Well, how does mouthing off toyou in this moment result in no
screens for an entire week?
That doesn't seem fair to them,right?
Kids in general have a veryreal sense of what's fair and

(31:03):
what's not, and then when youadd this time issue to kids, it
becomes even harder.
The other punishment thatdoesn't work, aside from taking
away screens for days or weeksor whatever it is, is long
lectures, and I always come backto the Bluey episode, and my
son will come back to thisepisode too.

(31:24):
But there's one where wherethey're trying to teach bingo,
how to do show and tell and howto talk, and her mom starts
talking and over time it startsto sound like the charlie brown.
It's like it takes like threeminutes, not even it's like 30
seconds and she's gone Right.
She's not paying attention toit.

Ariella Monti (31:40):
Listen.
And then the last line isalways something ridiculous Yep
Solitary confinement.

Caitlin Kindred (31:45):
And you're like what's Bingo?
saying Sorry, it's so good, soit's the cutest stinking show.
Okay, so long.
Lectures don't work.
They tune out after 15 seconds.
What feels like a teachablemoment for you is really just
static Charlie Brown noise.

(32:06):
So instead use a short,immediate consequence that's
tied to the behavior.
For example, they mouth off.
You want to take the screenaway.
Do it.
Take the screen away right then, and then they don't get it for
the rest of the day.
That day you could give it backthe next day, right as they get
older.
Of course you can go longer orwhatever, but do it right then

(32:27):
in that moment.
It has to be immediate.
The other thing you should dooh, look, there's the thumbs up
again.
Sometimes my screen does thumbsup and I don't know why, but
whatever, I can never re-triggerit, so that's fine.
The other thing you can do ispraise effort when you see it.
Catch your ADHD kid being good.
Adhd kids rarely hear theirnames in a positive tone.

(32:50):
Say their name in a positivetone, and I don't just mean like
sing-songy, like Sam, thank youso much for doing.
No, I mean like hey, sam, I sawyou do this, that was amazing,
thank you so much for doing that.
Or when you do that.
It shows me that you can handlemore independent tasks.
Something like that that letsthem know you see what they're

(33:11):
doing.
That is a good thing.
It's good for all kids.
It's especially good for ADHDkids.
They respond really well topraise and they don't often hear
their names said in a nice way.
So another one to think aboutSome other tips that work
generally that I've found One iscreate a yes space, create a
place in your house that is achaos-friendly zone.

(33:35):
They have a trampoline, theyhave a fidget zone.
They have a trampoline, theyhave a fidget bin, they have a
climbing rope, they have abasketball hoop attached to the
door, whatever it is where allthe feelings and all the
activities are a-okay with you.
You have one of these in yourhouse, don't you?
You talked about this.

Ariella Monti (33:49):
Or when Killian was little, you had something
like this, like a calm downcorner or something like that
yeah, he had a calm down cornerthat we worked on, but basically
just like his room was theplace that he would go.
When you know, he was just likereally emotionally dysregulated
and as long as he didn't as hedidn't like do any kind of like

(34:23):
real damage to anything, likereally everything was fine, like
we.
Yeah, he drew all over the wallsin there and we're just like,
okay, like I bet that felt great40 yeah, yeah, like, I'm sure
you know, like, do you feelbetter now that you were able to
, you know, do some drawing, um,you know stuff, stuff like that
.
Like, as long as he's not, Idon't know as long as glasses

(34:43):
and breaking it's probably fineright like yeah, as long as he's
not breaking a window to likelaunch himself out of it on the
second floor.
Like basically, basically okay.

Caitlin Kindred (34:56):
Yeah, something like that.
Just call it, and call it theyes space.
You know, name it.
This is your space.
Like do what you're going to.
You know, do what you need todo here.
Two, bribery is ethical in yourown household.
Your child's not a politician,so do what you need to do to get
them to do what you want right.
Reward effort over results.
Hey, you focus for 10 minutes.

(35:17):
Hey, you finished your homeworkwithout fighting with me more
than two times?
Sure, you can have an extra 10minutes of screen time today.
It's fine.
The last tip I'm going to giveyou is just pick your battles.
This is so hard for everyparent.
We've talked about this before.
You don't have to attend everyargument you're invited to,

(35:38):
which is really hard for ADHDersbecause, again, argument is
dopamine seeking.
But is he going to wear pajamasto school?
Fine, right, because he's goingto school.
Who cares?
Save the argument for whatshoes he's going to wear,
because if it's raining, hecannot wear his like fuzzy
slippers.

(35:59):
Don't stress over the littlething.
Find the thing that actuallymatters and focus on that.
Put your energy there andthere's a good chance they won't
fight that one as much.
And if they do decide, whenit's raining, to wear their
fuzzy slippers with their othershoes in the backpack and be
like okay, fafofo, go for it, doyour thing.

(36:21):
I put other shoes in yourbackpack.
Bye and don't, yeah, becauseyou have to preserve your own
sanity too.

Ariella Monti (36:29):
So this is we we do this with jackets during the
school year because he hateswearing jackets and I like to
get out the door and in the liketwo seconds it takes to get
from the door to the car andthen from the car to the door at
school, like if he wants to becold, fine, be cold, right, be

(36:53):
cold, it's fine, and I put hisjacket in his backpack so he's
got it.
But if he does not want to wearit on the way to school, like
whatever, yeah, be cold, it'sfine.

Caitlin Kindred (37:09):
Yeah, don't care.
So I'm going to wrap this upbefore we take a break.
But look, parenting is reallyhard.
If you have an ADHD child, yourkid is not a bad kid.
You're not a bad parent.
Chances are, if you'relistening to this show, you're
actually a good parent.
You're probably a mom who lovesyour child with your entire
heart and you're just doing yourfreaking best because it's

(37:31):
really hard.
You're not alone in this,Arielle, and I feel your pain,
we feel your struggles.
We feel your pain.
We feel all the good things too, so we get it.
We'd love to hear your storiesso you can send us a DM.
Follow us on Instagram that'sthe easiest place to get ahold
of us is Instagram or threads atCK and GK podcast and at Ariel

(37:55):
underscore Monty.
Parenting an ADHD kid is notabout fixing the kid.
You can't do that.
It's chemistry.
You don't have that abilityright.
It's about giving them and youthe right tools to function.
So next week we're flipping thescript a little bit.
We're going to talk about whathappens when you're the ADHD
parent, and so make sure you'resubscribed and tune in for that.

(38:17):
We'll be right back.
Hey y'all.
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museum caretaker's life dependson you burning it Roots and Ink.
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Novel by Ariella Monti is thefantasy romance for rebels.

(38:42):
Use promo code CK and GK to get20% off your copy at
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Again, that's all capsC-K-A-N-D-G-K for 20% off on
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Get your copy for 20% off today.
Get your copy for 20% off today.
Okay, we're back and I don'tknow.

(39:05):
We can talk about hyperfixations, we can talk about
things we got done, or we don'thave to.
That's totally up to you.

Ariella Monti (39:20):
At this point I don't really have a hyper
fixation.
You know, no same same.
Did you watch the new?

Caitlin Kindred (39:24):
did you watch the new happy gilmore?
You mentioned that you weregonna watch that yesterday no,
we're gonna watch it tonightthough.

Ariella Monti (39:32):
Um, yeah, we're gonna watch it tonight, I think.
I think that's the plan, butplan.

Caitlin Kindred (39:36):
But I'm looking forward to it, is it?
Yeah, I think it's available onNetflix, I think so.
Okay, yeah, I don't know either,but I think so you know what we
just actually got back into asa family.
We've talked about this showbefore on our show, but it's
called Somebody Feed Phil.
Have you heard of this show?
Maybe on our show, but it'scalled somebody feed phil.

(40:00):
Have you heard of this show?
Maybe?
If you need like wholesome,precious content but you but
great british baking show islike too far, then this is the
show.
So like, think, like anthonybourdain, like parts, unknown
meets great british Hearts,unknown meets Great British
Baking Show, they smoosh themtogether.
It's Phil something.
I forget his last name, but heis the creator of Everybody

(40:22):
Loves Raymond, okay, and hetravels all over the place and
there's like a little happy songthat's very like 1970s sitcom
reminiscent and it's just verysweet and he like learns all
these new things and tells jokesand it's, it's precious and sam
really likes it.
So I guess that would be theclosest thing.

(40:43):
But it's so cute, it's a cuteshow that sounds really familiar
.

Ariella Monti (40:49):
We've had on not my hyper fixation, but my
child's hyper fixation has beennailed it the baking show on yes
yes, um, yes, that has been.
That has been playing ontelevision all day, every day,

(41:09):
and sometimes I will actuallysit down and watch it, and what
I appreciate about that show iseverybody's just like there to
have fun and nobody's takinganything seriously.
Yeah, like you know, and yeahit's, it can just be really
really funny to watch anddelightful in in so many, so

(41:35):
many ways.
But I, I, I do need to stophearing it in my house like from
8 am to 7 pm we had a.

Caitlin Kindred (41:45):
We had a.
A run of um.
Is it cake oh?
Yes, and I don't mind that show, but I also like don't need to
hear Mikey Day ask if it's cakeanymore.
I don't have to.
Sorry, the name of Phil's nameis Philip Rosenthal.
Phil Rosenthal is the guy whodoes the show.
Anyway, it's a cute one.

(42:06):
If you haven't watched itbefore, you should.
But that's really all I have.
I don't have any.
There's nothing new in my life.
I didn't get anything done.
Nothing new in my life.
I didn't get anything done.

Ariella Monti (42:20):
I didn't barely got these notes done so like
let's be clear, I I startedreorganizing the craft room
downstairs because it's alsolike our our all purpose room.
It's where we were.
I was trying to figure out a newsystem for where we keep the
cat food because my darling dogI love her with all of my life

(42:42):
and heart and soul, but she's acounter surfer and she will try
to get the cat's food all thetime and so we've always had to
make sure it was high up and we.
It was fine when we had a babygate, but now we don't have a
baby gate there and all thesethings.
So I finally started movingstuff around so that I think we

(43:06):
might have a system, because theother issue here is making sure
my oldest cat can climb up, getup Right, because we're she's
starting to have like arthritisin her legs, so we have to make
sure that she's still able tolike get up wherever anything is

(43:28):
.
So I think we I think I figuredit out, but of course it's a
matter of everything is messybefore it's organized and and
that's kind of where I'm at nowit's just like piles of stuff
that I need to like donate andeverything.
But we don't have a garage so Idon't have any place to put

(43:50):
this stuff, so it's just sittingin the room.
But I started.

Caitlin Kindred (43:56):
I started, if you figure out a solution, let
me know, because Gracie is alsoa surfer, like she will.
She'll go for it if she can.
So right now we have their foodon the island.
I hate having the cats on thekitchen island.
It drives me insane Because Idon't like stuff on the island,
and not only is stuff on thekitchen island.

(44:16):
It drives me insane because Idon't like stuff on the island,
and not only is stuff on theisland, they are too, and I
can't.
I can't stand it.
So if you figure out a solution, let me know.
Anyway, I think I think that'sall we have.
Guys, aren't you glad you stuckaround for this?
All right, make good choices,as Jenny would say.

(44:38):
You're not a bad parent, yourkid's not a bad kid.
They won't be a serial killerLike 99.7%.
Sure, no promises, it's allgood.
Okay, love, you mean it, andbye.
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