March 26, 2024 • 25 mins
Change is hard. In this episode, I explore five ways to make it easier, and the resources that have helped me get more comfortable navigating change.
Discussed on this episode:
- The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
- Loving What Is by Byron Katie
- The Work App
- The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron
- Mindset by Carol Dreck
- My Year of New project
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, this is Kat O'Leary and welcome back to
another episode of How to BeCreative. So , um, today I'm
actually recording whiletraveling. I don't have my
equipment with me, so I'mhoping that the sound quality
won't be impacted too much bythat. Um, and I kind of decided
here that I would not let theperfect be the enemy of the
(00:23):
good, and that it would bebetter to just go ahead and
record , um, versus to not getanything done. Um, just because
this is just not going to bethe perfect version of , um,
you know, what I envision forthis podcast. So today I'm
gonna talk about navigatingchange , um, and kind of how to
(00:43):
do so a little bit morepeacefully. Um, change, I think
is something that can be reallyhard for a lot of people. Um ,
for a long time it was veryhard for me as well. I would
say now I'm sort of more of achange enthusiast. Um, you
know, whereas previously I wasvery resistant to and fearful
(01:05):
of change. I, at this point inmy life, would actually
identify as someone who notonly embraces change, but
really , um, tends to, to seekout opportunities for change
and growth. So , um, yeah, so Iguess I'm going to structure
this , um, as five tips forNavi Navigating Change. Um, I
(01:28):
have some notes here, but Ithink it's gonna be a little
bit off the cuff. Um, so let'sget into it. So I think the
first thing that will help younavigate change is detaching
from the past. So , um, I thinka thing that's really important
here is to accept the fact thatyou can't go back. Um, and
(01:51):
ultimately, you know, sittingaround wishing that you could ,
um, or that you could changethings that have already
happened is really just gonnakeep you stuck. I think it's
very normal to have regrets inlife, so I'm not gonna tell you
that you shouldn't have anycomplicated feelings about
things that have happened inthe past, or , um, you know,
that you're wrong for wishingthey had done, they had gone
(02:13):
differently. Um, however, therecomes a point where you are
finding yourself dwelling onthings that have happened in
the past and can no longer bechanged to the point that it's
actually damaging your presentand ultimately your future. So
for this, I think the big thingis really just , um, developing
(02:33):
some kind of mindfulnesspractice that can help you ,
uh, become grounded and , um,stay present in your life. Um,
that's a really easy,simplistic thing to talk about.
It's not so easy or simplisticto accomplish. And , um, this
was something that I, you know,kind of fought for, for a long
(02:54):
time and , and really struggledwith , um, until finally the
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Thing that really helped me was this book called
The Power of Now , um, byEckhart Tole . Um, I had had
this book on my shelf forprobably , um, I don't know ,
five years before I actuallywent ahead and read it. Um, and
I had the hard copy, but whatreally made a difference for me
(03:18):
was , um, getting theaudiobook. Um, there's
something about listening to anaudiobook, and I actually do
this for any kind of self-helpslash personal or professional
development books that I readwhere , um, you know, I feel
like I like the audio formatbecause it tends to drown out
any kind of negative thoughtsor negative talk track that you
(03:39):
might have going on in yourhead. So , um, yeah, so for
this one, and, and there'ssomething funny with Eckhart
Tolle . So , um, I had actuallyrecommended this audiobook to a
friend of mine, and he totally, um, clocked it immediately
what it is. But , um, EckhartTole kind of sounds like Werner
Herzog , um, and there'ssomething about his voice and,
(04:01):
and his , um, mannerisms that ,um, I don't know, it just, for
me at least, just really helpsme to focus my mind in the
present , um, and really absorbwhat he's saying. Um, I will
say that the first time or twothat I listened to this
audiobook, and I've listened toit quite a few times now , um,
over the past, I guess, sevenyears since I, I first listened
(04:23):
to it , um, I was veryresistant to a lot of the
things that he had to say. AndI would say that on subsequent
listens , beyond my first timelistening to it , um, I made a
pointed effort of notresisting. So what do I mean by
that? So basically, any timethat in the book , um, totally
(04:45):
said, anything that I disagreedwith or , um, you know, kind of
thought was stupid or , um, notuseful , um, I really worked
hard to overcome that feelingand just refocus on hearing the
overall message and trying tounderstand that there was a
reason why this particularconcept , um, or idea was
(05:08):
included in the book. Now, Idefinitely don't intend for
this episode to be anadvertisement for the Power of
Now or any of his other books.
Um, this was just what workedfor me, and it was what finally
worked for me after, you know,literal years of , um, trying
to kind of master , um, theidea of mindfulness. Um,
(05:31):
obviously meditation , um, anykind of kind of grounding
practice that you might use intherapy or , um, in any kind of
setting where you are , um, youknow, trying to take your
yourself out of your mind and ,and be physically present in
your body. All of that isgreat. I think the big thing is
(05:51):
figuring out what's gonna workfor you and what's gonna be
sustainable for you, and also
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Something that you can go back to time and again
when you inevitably do get kindof sucked back into , um, you
know, the kind of ego dramaplaying out in your brain. So
number two is actually kind ofrelated to the first tip. Um,
number two is stop arguing withreality. Um, so this is a
(06:19):
concept that I take from ByronKatie , who's another kind of,
you know, spirituality slashself-help kind of , um, thinker
and writer. Um, she's actuallymarried to this really well
regarded , um, translator,Steven Mitchell , which is
super interesting to me. Iactually have his trans , uh,
(06:39):
translation of , um, ReinerMaria Wilkes letters to a young
poet. So he's, he's done quitea few , um, very well regarded
translations over the year . Sointeresting power couple to me.
I, I love hearing stories likethat. Um, but basically, yeah,
so what do I mean by stoparguing with reality? Um, look
(07:00):
at where you are now. That is,there's nothing you can do
about it. This is the situationyou're in. Um, and I'm someone
who's very prone to kind ofruminating on difficult
situations when I'm in them.
And that honestly, I, you know,I learned this, this is a
lesson I will probably learnover and over again for the
rest of my life, but basicallythat does not help , um, kind
(07:26):
of obsessing over things thataren't working, things that you
wish were different. Um, youknow, people you hate that you
have to work with or deal with, um, interpersonally on any
level , um, family dynamicsthat really don't serve you.
But it's not a case where youare, you know, interested in
going no , no contact. Um, soyou're gonna have to deal ,
(07:46):
continue dealing with theperson , um, a job where you
don't enjoy the work, but youare not in a financial position
to, you know, just walk out thedoor. Um, the unfortunate truth
is that in life you are goingto have to deal with things ,
um, people, situations, etcetera , that you don't want to
(08:07):
and that you don't enjoy. And ,um, I think the best thing that
I have found, or the best kindof mindset shift that I've
found for , um, dealing withthis is really just stop
arguing with reality. So I canonly move forward from where I
am right now and being angryabout where I am right now,
(08:27):
being disappointed, or justgenerally feeling aggrieved
about the fact that I'm in thissituation. None of those
feelings are the feeling thatis going to propel me toward a
solution to get myself out ofthe situation that I'm in now.
So, there are a couple of toolsthat I recommend. Um, both are
(08:47):
Byron Katie , who I justmentioned. So she has a really
great book called Loving Whatis , um, it's exactly what it
sounds like. It's a book aboutreally accepting the reality
that you're in and movingforward from there. And then
she also has an app , um, and Ibelieve it's a paid app that
probably costs around $4 orsomething called the Work. Um,
(09:08):
I think it's the work of ByronKatie or the Work by Byron
Katie . Um, but that is an appwhere you can kind of go
through this four questionprocess that Katie has come up
with , um, to really workthrough a negative feeling or
opinion that you're havingabout a situation while you're
(09:29):
in it. Um , especially if youare someone who is prone to ,
um, kind of catastrophizingaround situations that are
happening in your life , um,and you wanna stop doing that.
Um, it's a really helpfulprocess. I don't know quite how
it works, but it , itdefinitely has helped me in the
past. And then once you areable to get out of that
(09:52):
mentality of arguing withreality , um, the next thing
that I recommend is to focus onwhat you can control. So now
that I have sort of made peacewith the difficult feelings I
have around my present, what doI want in my future and how do
I get from here to there? Um,so I'd say action is really key
(10:14):
here. I , in general, justtaking any action, even the
tiniest action, always reallyhelps me get out of a funk. Um,
one thing that I've found thatworks really well for me is
creating consistent habits ,um, that ultimately support big
changes. This was actually thetopic of last week's , um,
podcast episode because it'sbeen such a game changer for
(10:35):
me. So , um, and the cool thingabout kind of creating these
habits, regular habits is thatyou can start today , um, and
ultimately doing something on aregular basis that is positive
for you. Um , you know, yes,you'll get certain benefits of
the individual actions that youchoose. So, for example, if
(10:58):
you're learning a new language,you will have the benefit of ,
um, you know , starting tonotice that your vocabulary is
getting better, you're having abetter understanding of the
grammar, et cetera. Um, if youare focusing on a meditation
practice, you may find that youare calmer and more focused
during the day , um, or that,you know, even you just enjoy
(11:19):
having that handful of minutesto yourself once a day that
you've really carved out oryou're not supposed to be doing
anything but sitting still. Butthen overall , um, once you
have kept up with the habit fora while, it really begins to
shift your identity , um,toward being, you know,
starting to think of yourselfas someone who really shows up
(11:39):
for yourself daily , um, andwho you know is able to kind of
sustain these types of positivechanges in your life. Um,
especially slow , um, slowchanges that happen over time,
I think are even more criticalthan, you know, the , the
changes that you can make in,in a single day or a handful of
days, like, you know, changingto a new job or ending a
(12:02):
relationship. And for me, atleast, this has laid the
foundation for some of thosebigger changes and gotten me
kind of out of my own way sothat I'm able to better
understand what those changesin my life need to be. Number
four, imagine something better.
So here , um, I think it'sreally helpful to, you know, in
(12:23):
order to go ahead and kind ofget the life you want, I think
you really need to understandwhat that life is. So , um,
there are a number of differentways that you can visualize
things. It kind of depends onwhat you , what works for you.
Something that helps me a lotor has helped me a lot in the
past is doing , um, you know,journaling around kind of an
ideal version of my life andthinking about a specific date
(12:46):
by which I want that to be mylife. Um, so maybe it's six
months from now, it's, youknow, by the beginning of the
next calendar year, it's a yearfrom today, et cetera . Um, and
then I think, you know, andthis kind of gets back to the
habits that I was just talkingabout, but once you have that
visualization of what youreally want out of your life, I
(13:08):
think it's a lot easier then tobreak that down into kind of a
handful of building blocks tostart working today toward
those goals. And a resourcethat's been really helping me
with this lately has been JuliaCameron's the Artist's Way . I
know it's kind of had aresurgence with , um, gen Z.
I've seen a lot about it onTikTok recently. Um, I've had
(13:33):
this book on my shelf sinceprobably like 2006. It was
first , um, brought to myattention by a podcast that I
listened to way back then. Yes,we did have podcasts in the mid
ts , um, from Kimberly Wilson ,which is now called Tranquility
du Jour , but she was theperson who initially inter ,
um, introduced me to theArtist's way. I definitely
(13:54):
bought it like off herrecommendation at that time.
And then , uh, tried and failedto complete it probably at
least five times over theintervening , um, I guess 17
and a half years now. Uh ,that's crazy to think about,
but I am this time aroundactually keeping with it. So
(14:16):
tomorrow I start week 11 of 12of the Artist's Way. And , um,
I'd say it's been reallyhelpful for me , um, just in
terms of , uh, kind of having acourse to work through for my
creative practices. Um, so youmight wanna check that out if
you're someone where you're,you're, you know, you wanna do
(14:37):
something creatively, butyou're not quite out of your
own way just yet. Um, there's alot of , uh, sort of mindset
work built into this program.
In addition to each week,there's Athene and there are a
number of sort of homeworkassignments associated with it,
plus a list of tasks that youdo each week, including
(14:58):
something that I love and , um,you know, have kind of done
religious three religiously.
Um, you know, since I firstattempted to do this book back
in 2006 , um, called The ArtistDate , which is basically you
take yourself on some kind ofsolo venture. Um, for me, a lot
of it is, you know, going to amuseum or checking out a new
(15:21):
cafe , um, or even walking downa block or two that you've
never been down before in yourneighborhood. So it can be
really simple. I think the ideahere is to just, one, make time
for yourself and kind of yourinner artist. Um, two, for me
at least, I try to do somethingnew that's brand new to me. Um,
(15:42):
I also have a project calledYear of New where I try to do
one new thing every week. Usedto be every day , but I don't
have that energy anymore. Um,and I, I document those
actually on Instagram , um, atyear of New . Um, but I find
that , um, especially focusingon doing new things for my
artist date really helps me ,um, just kind of re-energize ,
(16:06):
um, and refill my creative wellso that I, when I do get back
to, you know, my laptop or myjournal or whatever I'm working
on that day , um, I just have alot more creative inspiration ,
um, going into whatever I'mdoing. But really at the end of
the day when I say imaginesomething better, what I think
may be most helpful , um,especially if you're navigating
(16:28):
a change that you didn't wantor resisted a lot , um, you
know, the loss of arelationship or , um, losing a
job , um, that you, you didn'twanna leave, things like that ,
um, imagine something bettercan be very literal. Uh, you
know. Okay. What were some ofthe issues that you had with
(16:51):
what you just left and whatwould sort of the optimal
version of the replacement ofthat look like? And is there a
possibility, even a small one,that, and this is kind of
another concept from by ByronKatie , is there a chance that
you were spared by losing thisthing that you valued so much
(17:12):
and, and held so dear? Um, andhow do you turn this loss into
ultimately a positive and beginto understand that maybe you
just needed to get somethingout of the way so that , um,
you know, you could getsomething even better into your
life? And I wanna say here thatI think , um, I don't believe
(17:33):
in, you know, kind of spiritualbypassing or , um, you know,
kind of having toxic positivityaround devastating life events.
Um, I think it's reallyimportant to honor the pain and
often trauma that come alongwith having to go through big
changes in life. Um, and I alsothink grief. Um, so, you know,
(17:54):
there are many forms of grief,but here I'm speaking
specifically about the grief ofsomeone who has died. Um, I
think grief or mourning, thattype of loss is in a completely
different category from prettymuch every other type of loss
in life. And the rules do notapply. So I mentioned a couple
(18:14):
of episodes ago that my cousinhad died quite suddenly in
early 2020. Um, I would saythat that level of profound
grief kind of took me outcompletely for at least a
couple of years , um, in, in anumber of ways. And , um, it's
really only recently that I'vebeen able to sort of claw my
way out of it. So , um, I, Iwould never tell someone who's
(18:40):
grieving that the process needsto be faster, that they need a
mindset shift, or even that amindset shift would help in
that situation. So you are theexpert on your own life. You
know what best, you know what'sbest going to help you at this
stage, and sometimes you justneed to take a break and , um,
let yourself fully feel thedifficult feelings that you're
(19:05):
going through before any ofthis advice is remotely going
to apply to you. And thenfinally, tip five is work on
building resilience. Um, Ispent the first three decades
of my life having pretty muchno resilience whatsoever. Um, I
would get, you know,sidetracked or even sidelined
(19:26):
for years over things that Ifelt like I was seeing people
around me recover from prettyquickly. Um, and there can be a
tendency to believe like, oh,this is because I am, you know,
a sensitive person, or I'm soempathetic, or I just love
harder than other people. And Ithink we're doing ourselves a
(19:47):
disservice by letting ourselveskind of think about things that
way or get into that kind ofidentity trap. So , um, you
know, recently I've beengrappling with , uh, you know,
a pretty painful breakup. Um,and I suspect that people on
the outside are not necessarilyseeing it as such because I
(20:13):
didn't really fall apart thistime. And it's not because ,
um, you know, this didn't hurtme or , um, wasn't as , uh, big
a loss as I've experienced inpast relationships that have
ended. Um, it's really morethat I have just done similar
work to this so many times that, um, I've just been able to
(20:37):
rebound in a healthier way thanI would've been able to in the
past. Um, and I also, I thinkprobably a lot of the stuff
that I've been talking about
Speaker 4 (20:46):
In this episode so far, it's really the stuff that
I have leaned on , um, thetools and resources , um, you
know, that I lean on when Ihave to get myself through
something. Um, and I, you know,I know that this won't be the
last difficult thing that I gothrough in my life. Um, but I
also kind of know that , um,each time I have to deal with
(21:07):
something very painful, it getsa little bit easier to
navigate. And the reason behindthat is that I have done a lot
of work on myself. Um, so Ispent several years in therapy.
I'm not currently in therapy,but it is a possibility that I
will want or need it again inthe future. Um, I've done a lot
of self-help. Um, I will saythat I was very, very resistant
(21:31):
to self-help books for a verylong time , um, because I
definitely, you know, had anidentity around kind of being a
person who didn't do self-help.
I thought I was like, you know,too smart for that kind of book
or something like that. Um, andat the end by, and , you know ,
and at the end of the day, byresisting things that
(21:53):
ultimately could have helped meand could've helped me a lot
sooner , um, I really just didmyself a disservice. So I would
say if there's anything , um,in terms of an identity that
you have around like beingsmarter than other people or ,
um, you know, like justunderstanding the world better
or , um, whatever it is thatyou've built an identity around
(22:14):
that is preventing you fromhealing , uh, the more that you
can do as soon as possible toget over that and accept help
wherever it comes, I think thebetter and the happier you'll
be. Um, and so , uh, one bigthing that I did, so I , I
mentioned the power of Now wasa , was really a game changer
for me. That was honestly thefirst self-help book that
(22:36):
actually kind of got through tome. And from there , um, sort
of opened up my , um,willingness to kind of go down
that path a little bit farther.
Um, I also read this reallyamazing book called Mindset by
Carol Dweck. Um, recommend thata lot. It helped me truly
(22:57):
understand kind of , um, howcertain things about how I'd
been raised were impacting theway that I was going about
dealing with difficultsituations in my life. And so,
kind of the main ideaunderpinning this book is that
there are two types ofmindsets. There's the growth
mindset and the fixed mindset.
And so if you're in the fixedmindset, you kind of believe
(23:20):
that talent is finite. Um, youknow, the way that it played
out in my life was believingthat because I was a smart
person, I should never have towork at something. And if I did
have to work at something thatmeant I wasn't, you know, as
smart as I'd previously beentold or thought , um, which
just isn't true, like thesmartest people in the world
still have to get up every day, practice things, learn things
(23:44):
and grow.
Speaker 5 (23:45):
Um, and the growth mindset is really about
understanding that. And , um,doing what you can to move
yourself forward in life , um,and detach from whatever
identity you had previouslythat made you think you don't,
you know, need to do whateverit is. People at all levels of
skill and excellence still needto train. They still need to
(24:07):
practice. And in so many cases,it's the people who begin to
believe that they don't need todo those things anymore, who
end up kind of falling off atthe very point where , um,
their peers and competitors areactually, you know , making
real strides. So those are thefive tips for navigating
change. But I'm realizing Ialso wanted to talk a little
(24:28):
bit about what navigatingchange successfully has to do
with creativity. And for me,what this has done for me , um,
has been that it's helped meget out of my own way so that I
can actually sit down and dothe creative work that I want
to get done in my life. Um,when I'm stuck in, you know ,
(24:50):
kind of ego drama in my head ,um, feeling aggrieved about
things that I can't control ,um, or can't change myself. Um,
and I'm not actually, you know,these are things that just
frankly distract me from thework that needs to be done for
a very long time. I believethat if I was smart and
talented, that opportunitieswould just be handed to me,
(25:12):
which I know is very silly andI , I can hear it. Um, but you
know, what I'm saying is thatit really wasn't until I kind
of started doing this type ofdeep spiritual or mindset work
on myself that I really beganto produce anything creatively
in any kind of real way. Sothat to me is the, the
(25:36):
connection , um, with, youknow, ultimately how to be
creative. And that's all forthis week's episode.
Hi, this is Kat O'Leary and welcome back to
another episode of How to BeCreative. So , um, today I'm
actually recording whiletraveling. I don't have my
equipment with me, so I'mhoping that the sound quality
won't be impacted too much bythat. Um, and I kind of decided
here that I would not let theperfect be the enemy of the
(00:23):
good, and that it would bebetter to just go ahead and
record , um, versus to not getanything done. Um, just because
this is just not going to bethe perfect version of , um,
you know, what I envision forthis podcast. So today I'm
gonna talk about navigatingchange , um, and kind of how to
(00:43):
do so a little bit morepeacefully. Um, change, I think
is something that can be reallyhard for a lot of people. Um ,
for a long time it was veryhard for me as well. I would
say now I'm sort of more of achange enthusiast. Um, you
know, whereas previously I wasvery resistant to and fearful
(01:05):
of change. I, at this point inmy life, would actually
identify as someone who notonly embraces change, but
really , um, tends to, to seekout opportunities for change
and growth. So , um, yeah, so Iguess I'm going to structure
this , um, as five tips forNavi Navigating Change. Um, I
(01:28):
have some notes here, but Ithink it's gonna be a little
bit off the cuff. Um, so let'sget into it. So I think the
first thing that will help younavigate change is detaching
from the past. So , um, I thinka thing that's really important
here is to accept the fact thatyou can't go back. Um, and
(01:51):
ultimately, you know, sittingaround wishing that you could ,
um, or that you could changethings that have already
happened is really just gonnakeep you stuck. I think it's
very normal to have regrets inlife, so I'm not gonna tell you
that you shouldn't have anycomplicated feelings about
things that have happened inthe past, or , um, you know,
that you're wrong for wishingthey had done, they had gone
(02:13):
differently. Um, however, therecomes a point where you are
finding yourself dwelling onthings that have happened in
the past and can no longer bechanged to the point that it's
actually damaging your presentand ultimately your future. So
for this, I think the big thingis really just , um, developing
(02:33):
some kind of mindfulnesspractice that can help you ,
uh, become grounded and , um,stay present in your life. Um,
that's a really easy,simplistic thing to talk about.
It's not so easy or simplisticto accomplish. And , um, this
was something that I, you know,kind of fought for, for a long
(02:54):
time and , and really struggledwith , um, until finally the
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Thing that really helped me was this book called
The Power of Now , um, byEckhart Tole . Um, I had had
this book on my shelf forprobably , um, I don't know ,
five years before I actuallywent ahead and read it. Um, and
I had the hard copy, but whatreally made a difference for me
(03:18):
was , um, getting theaudiobook. Um, there's
something about listening to anaudiobook, and I actually do
this for any kind of self-helpslash personal or professional
development books that I readwhere , um, you know, I feel
like I like the audio formatbecause it tends to drown out
any kind of negative thoughtsor negative talk track that you
(03:39):
might have going on in yourhead. So , um, yeah, so for
this one, and, and there'ssomething funny with Eckhart
Tolle . So , um, I had actuallyrecommended this audiobook to a
friend of mine, and he totally, um, clocked it immediately
what it is. But , um, EckhartTole kind of sounds like Werner
Herzog , um, and there'ssomething about his voice and,
(04:01):
and his , um, mannerisms that ,um, I don't know, it just, for
me at least, just really helpsme to focus my mind in the
present , um, and really absorbwhat he's saying. Um, I will
say that the first time or twothat I listened to this
audiobook, and I've listened toit quite a few times now , um,
over the past, I guess, sevenyears since I, I first listened
(04:23):
to it , um, I was veryresistant to a lot of the
things that he had to say. AndI would say that on subsequent
listens , beyond my first timelistening to it , um, I made a
pointed effort of notresisting. So what do I mean by
that? So basically, any timethat in the book , um, totally
(04:45):
said, anything that I disagreedwith or , um, you know, kind of
thought was stupid or , um, notuseful , um, I really worked
hard to overcome that feelingand just refocus on hearing the
overall message and trying tounderstand that there was a
reason why this particularconcept , um, or idea was
(05:08):
included in the book. Now, Idefinitely don't intend for
this episode to be anadvertisement for the Power of
Now or any of his other books.
Um, this was just what workedfor me, and it was what finally
worked for me after, you know,literal years of , um, trying
to kind of master , um, theidea of mindfulness. Um,
(05:31):
obviously meditation , um, anykind of kind of grounding
practice that you might use intherapy or , um, in any kind of
setting where you are , um, youknow, trying to take your
yourself out of your mind and ,and be physically present in
your body. All of that isgreat. I think the big thing is
(05:51):
figuring out what's gonna workfor you and what's gonna be
sustainable for you, and also
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Something that you can go back to time and again
when you inevitably do get kindof sucked back into , um, you
know, the kind of ego dramaplaying out in your brain. So
number two is actually kind ofrelated to the first tip. Um,
number two is stop arguing withreality. Um, so this is a
(06:19):
concept that I take from ByronKatie , who's another kind of,
you know, spirituality slashself-help kind of , um, thinker
and writer. Um, she's actuallymarried to this really well
regarded , um, translator,Steven Mitchell , which is
super interesting to me. Iactually have his trans , uh,
(06:39):
translation of , um, ReinerMaria Wilkes letters to a young
poet. So he's, he's done quitea few , um, very well regarded
translations over the year . Sointeresting power couple to me.
I, I love hearing stories likethat. Um, but basically, yeah,
so what do I mean by stoparguing with reality? Um, look
(07:00):
at where you are now. That is,there's nothing you can do
about it. This is the situationyou're in. Um, and I'm someone
who's very prone to kind ofruminating on difficult
situations when I'm in them.
And that honestly, I, you know,I learned this, this is a
lesson I will probably learnover and over again for the
rest of my life, but basicallythat does not help , um, kind
(07:26):
of obsessing over things thataren't working, things that you
wish were different. Um, youknow, people you hate that you
have to work with or deal with, um, interpersonally on any
level , um, family dynamicsthat really don't serve you.
But it's not a case where youare, you know, interested in
going no , no contact. Um, soyou're gonna have to deal ,
(07:46):
continue dealing with theperson , um, a job where you
don't enjoy the work, but youare not in a financial position
to, you know, just walk out thedoor. Um, the unfortunate truth
is that in life you are goingto have to deal with things ,
um, people, situations, etcetera , that you don't want to
(08:07):
and that you don't enjoy. And ,um, I think the best thing that
I have found, or the best kindof mindset shift that I've
found for , um, dealing withthis is really just stop
arguing with reality. So I canonly move forward from where I
am right now and being angryabout where I am right now,
(08:27):
being disappointed, or justgenerally feeling aggrieved
about the fact that I'm in thissituation. None of those
feelings are the feeling thatis going to propel me toward a
solution to get myself out ofthe situation that I'm in now.
So, there are a couple of toolsthat I recommend. Um, both are
(08:47):
Byron Katie , who I justmentioned. So she has a really
great book called Loving Whatis , um, it's exactly what it
sounds like. It's a book aboutreally accepting the reality
that you're in and movingforward from there. And then
she also has an app , um, and Ibelieve it's a paid app that
probably costs around $4 orsomething called the Work. Um,
(09:08):
I think it's the work of ByronKatie or the Work by Byron
Katie . Um, but that is an appwhere you can kind of go
through this four questionprocess that Katie has come up
with , um, to really workthrough a negative feeling or
opinion that you're havingabout a situation while you're
(09:29):
in it. Um , especially if youare someone who is prone to ,
um, kind of catastrophizingaround situations that are
happening in your life , um,and you wanna stop doing that.
Um, it's a really helpfulprocess. I don't know quite how
it works, but it , itdefinitely has helped me in the
past. And then once you areable to get out of that
(09:52):
mentality of arguing withreality , um, the next thing
that I recommend is to focus onwhat you can control. So now
that I have sort of made peacewith the difficult feelings I
have around my present, what doI want in my future and how do
I get from here to there? Um,so I'd say action is really key
(10:14):
here. I , in general, justtaking any action, even the
tiniest action, always reallyhelps me get out of a funk. Um,
one thing that I've found thatworks really well for me is
creating consistent habits ,um, that ultimately support big
changes. This was actually thetopic of last week's , um,
podcast episode because it'sbeen such a game changer for
(10:35):
me. So , um, and the cool thingabout kind of creating these
habits, regular habits is thatyou can start today , um, and
ultimately doing something on aregular basis that is positive
for you. Um , you know, yes,you'll get certain benefits of
the individual actions that youchoose. So, for example, if
(10:58):
you're learning a new language,you will have the benefit of ,
um, you know , starting tonotice that your vocabulary is
getting better, you're having abetter understanding of the
grammar, et cetera. Um, if youare focusing on a meditation
practice, you may find that youare calmer and more focused
during the day , um, or that,you know, even you just enjoy
(11:19):
having that handful of minutesto yourself once a day that
you've really carved out oryou're not supposed to be doing
anything but sitting still. Butthen overall , um, once you
have kept up with the habit fora while, it really begins to
shift your identity , um,toward being, you know,
starting to think of yourselfas someone who really shows up
(11:39):
for yourself daily , um, andwho you know is able to kind of
sustain these types of positivechanges in your life. Um,
especially slow , um, slowchanges that happen over time,
I think are even more criticalthan, you know, the , the
changes that you can make in,in a single day or a handful of
days, like, you know, changingto a new job or ending a
(12:02):
relationship. And for me, atleast, this has laid the
foundation for some of thosebigger changes and gotten me
kind of out of my own way sothat I'm able to better
understand what those changesin my life need to be. Number
four, imagine something better.
So here , um, I think it'sreally helpful to, you know, in
(12:23):
order to go ahead and kind ofget the life you want, I think
you really need to understandwhat that life is. So , um,
there are a number of differentways that you can visualize
things. It kind of depends onwhat you , what works for you.
Something that helps me a lotor has helped me a lot in the
past is doing , um, you know,journaling around kind of an
ideal version of my life andthinking about a specific date
(12:46):
by which I want that to be mylife. Um, so maybe it's six
months from now, it's, youknow, by the beginning of the
next calendar year, it's a yearfrom today, et cetera . Um, and
then I think, you know, andthis kind of gets back to the
habits that I was just talkingabout, but once you have that
visualization of what youreally want out of your life, I
(13:08):
think it's a lot easier then tobreak that down into kind of a
handful of building blocks tostart working today toward
those goals. And a resourcethat's been really helping me
with this lately has been JuliaCameron's the Artist's Way . I
know it's kind of had aresurgence with , um, gen Z.
I've seen a lot about it onTikTok recently. Um, I've had
(13:33):
this book on my shelf sinceprobably like 2006. It was
first , um, brought to myattention by a podcast that I
listened to way back then. Yes,we did have podcasts in the mid
ts , um, from Kimberly Wilson ,which is now called Tranquility
du Jour , but she was theperson who initially inter ,
um, introduced me to theArtist's way. I definitely
(13:54):
bought it like off herrecommendation at that time.
And then , uh, tried and failedto complete it probably at
least five times over theintervening , um, I guess 17
and a half years now. Uh ,that's crazy to think about,
but I am this time aroundactually keeping with it. So
(14:16):
tomorrow I start week 11 of 12of the Artist's Way. And , um,
I'd say it's been reallyhelpful for me , um, just in
terms of , uh, kind of having acourse to work through for my
creative practices. Um, so youmight wanna check that out if
you're someone where you're,you're, you know, you wanna do
(14:37):
something creatively, butyou're not quite out of your
own way just yet. Um, there's alot of , uh, sort of mindset
work built into this program.
In addition to each week,there's Athene and there are a
number of sort of homeworkassignments associated with it,
plus a list of tasks that youdo each week, including
(14:58):
something that I love and , um,you know, have kind of done
religious three religiously.
Um, you know, since I firstattempted to do this book back
in 2006 , um, called The ArtistDate , which is basically you
take yourself on some kind ofsolo venture. Um, for me, a lot
of it is, you know, going to amuseum or checking out a new
(15:21):
cafe , um, or even walking downa block or two that you've
never been down before in yourneighborhood. So it can be
really simple. I think the ideahere is to just, one, make time
for yourself and kind of yourinner artist. Um, two, for me
at least, I try to do somethingnew that's brand new to me. Um,
(15:42):
I also have a project calledYear of New where I try to do
one new thing every week. Usedto be every day , but I don't
have that energy anymore. Um,and I, I document those
actually on Instagram , um, atyear of New . Um, but I find
that , um, especially focusingon doing new things for my
artist date really helps me ,um, just kind of re-energize ,
(16:06):
um, and refill my creative wellso that I, when I do get back
to, you know, my laptop or myjournal or whatever I'm working
on that day , um, I just have alot more creative inspiration ,
um, going into whatever I'mdoing. But really at the end of
the day when I say imaginesomething better, what I think
may be most helpful , um,especially if you're navigating
(16:28):
a change that you didn't wantor resisted a lot , um, you
know, the loss of arelationship or , um, losing a
job , um, that you, you didn'twanna leave, things like that ,
um, imagine something bettercan be very literal. Uh, you
know. Okay. What were some ofthe issues that you had with
(16:51):
what you just left and whatwould sort of the optimal
version of the replacement ofthat look like? And is there a
possibility, even a small one,that, and this is kind of
another concept from by ByronKatie , is there a chance that
you were spared by losing thisthing that you valued so much
(17:12):
and, and held so dear? Um, andhow do you turn this loss into
ultimately a positive and beginto understand that maybe you
just needed to get somethingout of the way so that , um,
you know, you could getsomething even better into your
life? And I wanna say here thatI think , um, I don't believe
(17:33):
in, you know, kind of spiritualbypassing or , um, you know,
kind of having toxic positivityaround devastating life events.
Um, I think it's reallyimportant to honor the pain and
often trauma that come alongwith having to go through big
changes in life. Um, and I alsothink grief. Um, so, you know,
(17:54):
there are many forms of grief,but here I'm speaking
specifically about the grief ofsomeone who has died. Um, I
think grief or mourning, thattype of loss is in a completely
different category from prettymuch every other type of loss
in life. And the rules do notapply. So I mentioned a couple
(18:14):
of episodes ago that my cousinhad died quite suddenly in
early 2020. Um, I would saythat that level of profound
grief kind of took me outcompletely for at least a
couple of years , um, in, in anumber of ways. And , um, it's
really only recently that I'vebeen able to sort of claw my
way out of it. So , um, I, Iwould never tell someone who's
(18:40):
grieving that the process needsto be faster, that they need a
mindset shift, or even that amindset shift would help in
that situation. So you are theexpert on your own life. You
know what best, you know what'sbest going to help you at this
stage, and sometimes you justneed to take a break and , um,
let yourself fully feel thedifficult feelings that you're
(19:05):
going through before any ofthis advice is remotely going
to apply to you. And thenfinally, tip five is work on
building resilience. Um, Ispent the first three decades
of my life having pretty muchno resilience whatsoever. Um, I
would get, you know,sidetracked or even sidelined
(19:26):
for years over things that Ifelt like I was seeing people
around me recover from prettyquickly. Um, and there can be a
tendency to believe like, oh,this is because I am, you know,
a sensitive person, or I'm soempathetic, or I just love
harder than other people. And Ithink we're doing ourselves a
(19:47):
disservice by letting ourselveskind of think about things that
way or get into that kind ofidentity trap. So , um, you
know, recently I've beengrappling with , uh, you know,
a pretty painful breakup. Um,and I suspect that people on
the outside are not necessarilyseeing it as such because I
(20:13):
didn't really fall apart thistime. And it's not because ,
um, you know, this didn't hurtme or , um, wasn't as , uh, big
a loss as I've experienced inpast relationships that have
ended. Um, it's really morethat I have just done similar
work to this so many times that, um, I've just been able to
(20:37):
rebound in a healthier way thanI would've been able to in the
past. Um, and I also, I thinkprobably a lot of the stuff
that I've been talking about
Speaker 4 (20:46):
In this episode so far, it's really the stuff that
I have leaned on , um, thetools and resources , um, you
know, that I lean on when Ihave to get myself through
something. Um, and I, you know,I know that this won't be the
last difficult thing that I gothrough in my life. Um, but I
also kind of know that , um,each time I have to deal with
(21:07):
something very painful, it getsa little bit easier to
navigate. And the reason behindthat is that I have done a lot
of work on myself. Um, so Ispent several years in therapy.
I'm not currently in therapy,but it is a possibility that I
will want or need it again inthe future. Um, I've done a lot
of self-help. Um, I will saythat I was very, very resistant
(21:31):
to self-help books for a verylong time , um, because I
definitely, you know, had anidentity around kind of being a
person who didn't do self-help.
I thought I was like, you know,too smart for that kind of book
or something like that. Um, andat the end by, and , you know ,
and at the end of the day, byresisting things that
(21:53):
ultimately could have helped meand could've helped me a lot
sooner , um, I really just didmyself a disservice. So I would
say if there's anything , um,in terms of an identity that
you have around like beingsmarter than other people or ,
um, you know, like justunderstanding the world better
or , um, whatever it is thatyou've built an identity around
(22:14):
that is preventing you fromhealing , uh, the more that you
can do as soon as possible toget over that and accept help
wherever it comes, I think thebetter and the happier you'll
be. Um, and so , uh, one bigthing that I did, so I , I
mentioned the power of Now wasa , was really a game changer
for me. That was honestly thefirst self-help book that
(22:36):
actually kind of got through tome. And from there , um, sort
of opened up my , um,willingness to kind of go down
that path a little bit farther.
Um, I also read this reallyamazing book called Mindset by
Carol Dweck. Um, recommend thata lot. It helped me truly
(22:57):
understand kind of , um, howcertain things about how I'd
been raised were impacting theway that I was going about
dealing with difficultsituations in my life. And so,
kind of the main ideaunderpinning this book is that
there are two types ofmindsets. There's the growth
mindset and the fixed mindset.
And so if you're in the fixedmindset, you kind of believe
(23:20):
that talent is finite. Um, youknow, the way that it played
out in my life was believingthat because I was a smart
person, I should never have towork at something. And if I did
have to work at something thatmeant I wasn't, you know, as
smart as I'd previously beentold or thought , um, which
just isn't true, like thesmartest people in the world
still have to get up every day, practice things, learn things
(23:44):
and grow.
Speaker 5 (23:45):
Um, and the growth mindset is really about
understanding that. And , um,doing what you can to move
yourself forward in life , um,and detach from whatever
identity you had previouslythat made you think you don't,
you know, need to do whateverit is. People at all levels of
skill and excellence still needto train. They still need to
(24:07):
practice. And in so many cases,it's the people who begin to
believe that they don't need todo those things anymore, who
end up kind of falling off atthe very point where , um,
their peers and competitors areactually, you know , making
real strides. So those are thefive tips for navigating
change. But I'm realizing Ialso wanted to talk a little
(24:28):
bit about what navigatingchange successfully has to do
with creativity. And for me,what this has done for me , um,
has been that it's helped meget out of my own way so that I
can actually sit down and dothe creative work that I want
to get done in my life. Um,when I'm stuck in, you know ,
(24:50):
kind of ego drama in my head ,um, feeling aggrieved about
things that I can't control ,um, or can't change myself. Um,
and I'm not actually, you know,these are things that just
frankly distract me from thework that needs to be done for
a very long time. I believethat if I was smart and
talented, that opportunitieswould just be handed to me,
(25:12):
which I know is very silly andI , I can hear it. Um, but you
know, what I'm saying is thatit really wasn't until I kind
of started doing this type ofdeep spiritual or mindset work
on myself that I really beganto produce anything creatively
in any kind of real way. Sothat to me is the, the
(25:36):
connection , um, with, youknow, ultimately how to be
creative. And that's all forthis week's episode.
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