October 13, 2025 • 15 mins
Have you ever wondered if certain sexual behaviors are okay? How do you decide what to believe and how to behave? In this episode, you'll learn 3 foundational principles of sexual ethics: integrity, intimacy, and impact.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart, and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa, and I'mhere to show you how.
Let's go.
SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
Have you ever wondered if a certain type of
sexual behavior is okay or not?
Maybe you've agonized over thistype of decision.
Maybe you've gone back and forthand tried different things and
you still feel confused about aspecific behavior or a specific
activity that just doesn't seemmorally clear.
(00:41):
Maybe it's something that youhave wanted to do by yourself,
or maybe it's something sexualthat you've wanted to try with
your wife or girlfriend, ormaybe it's something that you
see others doing, and you wonderif it would be right for you.
Today we're talking about how toevaluate any sexual behavior.
(01:02):
This is a different kind ofepisode because this show is not
primarily about ethics, it'sabout empowerment.
And at the same time, we do needto address ethical questions.
My hope is that today you willcome away with wisdom about how
you make decisions.
(01:24):
I hope that when you face adifficult question about sexual
ethics and what's right andwrong, that you'll have more
clarity and confidence andhelpful categories in order to
make those decisions.
I don't necessarily want you toagree with me about everything,
because frankly, my views onsexual ethics are continuing to
(01:48):
mature.
This topic is extremelysensitive and personal for me
because I recently made a verypublic mistake on this podcast
promoting a sexual behavior thatI thought could be helpful,
until brave listeners and wiseprofessionals confronted me.
(02:08):
Because what I thought washealthy was actually harmful.
And there may be other behaviorsthat you grew up viewing as
harmful that might actually behealthy in the right context.
So today, let me make it verysimple for you.
When you are evaluating anysexual behavior, remember the
three eyes (02:29):
integrity, intimacy, and impact.
Let's start with integrity.
The word integrity has the sameroot as the word integer, which
means whole, like a wholenumber.
So a person of integrity is awhole person, someone who
doesn't live a double life.
(02:51):
Integrity means consistencybetween your beliefs and your
behaviors and your choices.
So if you're a Christianevaluating a sexual behavior,
does this behavior align withChristianity?
And some of the primary ways wecan figure that out are, first
(03:12):
of all, looking at the Bible.
What does the Bible say aboutthis sexual behavior?
And unfortunately, there aremany, many sexual behaviors that
the Bible does not directlyaddress.
So, in this case, my nextquestion would be: how does this
behavior align with thecharacter of Jesus?
(03:34):
This may pose a challengebecause we don't know very much
about Jesus' sexuality otherthan that he was a single man.
Yet when we look at how Jesusrelated to people, especially
how he related to women, there'sa lot we can learn about his
character.
He was loving and kind andcompassionate.
He was concerned for others.
(03:55):
He put others before himself.
And this is an attitude that wecan take into our sexuality.
We know that Jesus was motivatedby his love for God and his love
for other people.
And this can help us makedecisions about sexual ethics.
When Jesus addressed sexualethics in the Sermon on the
(04:16):
Mount, he wasn't just concernedwith behavior.
He was concerned withmotivation.
And that should inform the waywe make sexual decisions.
It's not just what are youdoing?
It's why are you doing it?
Is this behavior an expressionof love for God and love for
(04:37):
others and learning how to loveyourself in a Christ-like way?
Or is it taking from others?
Is it consuming others?
Is it objectifying others?
In Jesus, we see integrity.
His beliefs and his behaviorswere perfectly aligned.
He wasn't just concerned withdoing the bare minimum of what's
(05:00):
morally required by God's law.
No, he wanted to do exactly whatthe Father said.
He wanted to follow exactlywhere the Spirit led.
If you are a follower of Jesus,integrity means more than asking
if a certain behavior isallowed.
It means asking if a certainbehavior is aligned.
(05:23):
If we follow Jesus and if wewant to be people of integrity,
we need to ask better questionsthan whether or not a certain
behavior is right or wrong.
When guys ask me if a certainsexual behavior is okay or not,
underneath that question, I hearanother question, which is this
(05:43):
how much can I get away withwithout sinning?
It's as if they're driving alonga road and staying as close to
the edge of the road as possiblewithout going off a cliff.
Now, while I'm happy thatthey're not going off the cliff,
wisdom doesn't aim for the edgeof the road.
(06:03):
Wisdom stays in the center.
Keep your focus on the centerinstead of drifting to the side.
Don't aim for the border, aimfor the bullseye.
That's why the first eye isintegrity.
Not just asking if a behavior isallowable, but asking if it's
aligned with what the Biblesays, with who God is, and with
(06:24):
the heart of Jesus.
We know that God createdsexuality to be an expression of
his covenant love.
It's meant to be relational,connected, committed.
And that's why the second eye isintimacy.
Sexuality is our divinelydesigned engine for intimacy.
(06:48):
And marriage is designed toreflect God's covenant love.
And that's why I believe it'snot just advisable, but
essential that for married men,any sexual behavior you pursue
should only be done with thefull awareness and consent of
your wife.
Hiding and lying is not okay.
(07:10):
And I realize this is going tobe really challenging for some
of you guys.
It's absolutely heartbreakingwhen you're in a marriage where
there's so much pain anddifficulty and distance that
sexuality is not an active partof your life or your
relationship.
So if you're married, wonderingif a certain sexual behavior is
(07:30):
okay for you, here are thequestions I can encourage you to
ask.
Does your wife know about thisbehavior?
Or is it a secret?
What's her view of thisbehavior?
Because as much as possible, youwant to honor her values, not
just yours.
And finally, how does she feelabout this behavior?
(07:53):
Because even if she gives youbegrudging permission to engage
in a certain behavior underpressure, that is not true
consent.
If you have her active supportand blessing and appreciation of
a behavior, that's differentfrom a sense of obligation.
(08:15):
If you're wondering if a certainsexual behavior is okay for you
to pursue with your wife,please, please be as sensitive
as you can to the reality thatunderneath a hesitant yes from
your wife, there may be a deeperno.
She may be agreeing to somethingout of fear or shame or her own
(08:40):
trauma.
Sometimes the most loving,intimate way to relate to your
wife is to reassure her that youare committed to abstaining from
any behavior that might threatenthe relationship or her sense of
safety.
(09:00):
In any case, I encourage you tomake this fundamental shift in
your mindset.
Don't think in terms of aone-person psychology.
Think in terms of a two-personpsychology.
This is a phrase that I pickedup from one of the betrayal
trauma professionals whochallenged me recently.
Because when you're married,you're no longer operating as an
(09:24):
individual.
You're operating with theinterest of your spouse and the
interest of the relationshipfirst.
So even if you view a certainsexual behavior as acceptable,
that doesn't necessarily make itokay.
That's why we need to prioritizeintimacy over individuality when
making these decisions.
(09:45):
Because in the context of acouple, these are not questions
of individual morality.
Intimacy comes first.
Remember, don't think in termsof a one-person psychology,
think in terms of a two-personpsychology.
And the final category Iencourage you to consider when
evaluating any sexual behavioris impact.
(10:08):
How does this behavior affectyou?
How does it affect her?
How does it affect the two ofyou?
My friend Andrew Lloyd once toldme, Drew, I like to take the WTF
approach.
What's the fruit?
WTF stands for what's the fruit?
In other words, what's theimpact?
(10:31):
What's the result of thisbehavior?
We know that the fruit of theHoly Spirit is love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control.
The opposite of those things islust, depression, anxiety,
(10:53):
impatience or immediategratification, indifference,
injustice or evil,unfaithfulness, harshness, and
addiction.
So for any sexual behavior youmight be considering, what's the
fruit?
Is it the fruit of the spirit?
Is it leading you into love,joy, and peace?
(11:15):
Or is it contributing to lustand addiction and
objectification?
I believe at the most basiclevel, God designed sex and
sexuality for connection,pleasure, and creativity.
So does this sexual behaviorfulfill that design?
(11:37):
Do you feel more connected ormore disconnected as a result of
the behavior?
Does it bring pleasure only, oris it also causing pain for you
or for your partner?
Or in the context of porn, itvery well may be causing pain
for the performers and thepeople on the other side.
(11:58):
There's a whole world ofinjustice and sex trafficking on
the other side of the screen.
That is part of the impact weneed to consider when evaluating
certain sexual behaviors.
And in any behavior, are you acreator or a co-creator?
Or are you just a consumer?
Who are you becoming as a resultof this behavior?
(12:21):
And I realize that may or maynot lead to clarity.
That's why I encourage you toplease, please, please hold your
positions on sexual ethics withhumility.
Be open to the possibility thatyou may be wrong about
something.
You may change your mind lateron.
(12:42):
So get wisdom from people youtrust.
Ask for advice.
Don't make these decisions onyour own.
And don't just think in blackand white, right and wrong, and
take heart.
I know questions about sexualethics can be confusing and
overwhelming.
Here's some good news.
You don't have to have all theanswers.
(13:04):
You do need to be wise anddiscerning.
So the next time you'rewondering if a certain type of
sexual behavior is okay or not,remember the three eyes:
integrity, intimacy, and impact.
Integrity is not about allowingas many different types of
sexual behavior as possiblewithin your definition of what's
(13:25):
okay.
Integrity is about alignment,aligning your behaviors and your
beliefs as much as possible.
Don't aim for the border, aimfor the bullseye.
Make these decisions in thecontext of intimacy, not
isolation.
Secrecy fuels addiction.
Honesty is healing.
(13:47):
So if you're married, make surethat you give your wife a voice
and a choice when it comes toyour sexual behavior, because
this is not a one-personpsychology, it's a two-person
psychology.
And begrudging permission is nottrue consent.
What you really want is her fullblessing and support so that you
(14:11):
can build trust and restoreintimacy.
And finally, when evaluating anysexual behavior, pay attention
to the impact.
What's the fruit?
Remember the WTF approach.
What's the fruit?
How does this behavior affectyou and impact others?
As we ask these questions, weneed input from other people.
(14:31):
We need safe places to talkabout this stuff.
We need wise guides to challengeus.
The Husband Material Communityis designed to be a place where
you can ask any question thatmight be coming up for you in
this episode.
So I encourage you to join us inthe Husband Material community
at husbandmaterial.com and let'scontinue to help each other
change our brains, heal ourhearts, save our relationships,
(14:54):
and always remember you areGod's beloved Son, and you, he
is well pleased.
Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart, and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa, and I'mhere to show you how.
Let's go.
SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
Have you ever wondered if a certain type of
sexual behavior is okay or not?
Maybe you've agonized over thistype of decision.
Maybe you've gone back and forthand tried different things and
you still feel confused about aspecific behavior or a specific
activity that just doesn't seemmorally clear.
(00:41):
Maybe it's something that youhave wanted to do by yourself,
or maybe it's something sexualthat you've wanted to try with
your wife or girlfriend, ormaybe it's something that you
see others doing, and you wonderif it would be right for you.
Today we're talking about how toevaluate any sexual behavior.
(01:02):
This is a different kind ofepisode because this show is not
primarily about ethics, it'sabout empowerment.
And at the same time, we do needto address ethical questions.
My hope is that today you willcome away with wisdom about how
you make decisions.
(01:24):
I hope that when you face adifficult question about sexual
ethics and what's right andwrong, that you'll have more
clarity and confidence andhelpful categories in order to
make those decisions.
I don't necessarily want you toagree with me about everything,
because frankly, my views onsexual ethics are continuing to
(01:48):
mature.
This topic is extremelysensitive and personal for me
because I recently made a verypublic mistake on this podcast
promoting a sexual behavior thatI thought could be helpful,
until brave listeners and wiseprofessionals confronted me.
(02:08):
Because what I thought washealthy was actually harmful.
And there may be other behaviorsthat you grew up viewing as
harmful that might actually behealthy in the right context.
So today, let me make it verysimple for you.
When you are evaluating anysexual behavior, remember the
three eyes (02:29):
integrity, intimacy, and impact.
Let's start with integrity.
The word integrity has the sameroot as the word integer, which
means whole, like a wholenumber.
So a person of integrity is awhole person, someone who
doesn't live a double life.
(02:51):
Integrity means consistencybetween your beliefs and your
behaviors and your choices.
So if you're a Christianevaluating a sexual behavior,
does this behavior align withChristianity?
And some of the primary ways wecan figure that out are, first
(03:12):
of all, looking at the Bible.
What does the Bible say aboutthis sexual behavior?
And unfortunately, there aremany, many sexual behaviors that
the Bible does not directlyaddress.
So, in this case, my nextquestion would be: how does this
behavior align with thecharacter of Jesus?
(03:34):
This may pose a challengebecause we don't know very much
about Jesus' sexuality otherthan that he was a single man.
Yet when we look at how Jesusrelated to people, especially
how he related to women, there'sa lot we can learn about his
character.
He was loving and kind andcompassionate.
He was concerned for others.
(03:55):
He put others before himself.
And this is an attitude that wecan take into our sexuality.
We know that Jesus was motivatedby his love for God and his love
for other people.
And this can help us makedecisions about sexual ethics.
When Jesus addressed sexualethics in the Sermon on the
(04:16):
Mount, he wasn't just concernedwith behavior.
He was concerned withmotivation.
And that should inform the waywe make sexual decisions.
It's not just what are youdoing?
It's why are you doing it?
Is this behavior an expressionof love for God and love for
(04:37):
others and learning how to loveyourself in a Christ-like way?
Or is it taking from others?
Is it consuming others?
Is it objectifying others?
In Jesus, we see integrity.
His beliefs and his behaviorswere perfectly aligned.
He wasn't just concerned withdoing the bare minimum of what's
(05:00):
morally required by God's law.
No, he wanted to do exactly whatthe Father said.
He wanted to follow exactlywhere the Spirit led.
If you are a follower of Jesus,integrity means more than asking
if a certain behavior isallowed.
It means asking if a certainbehavior is aligned.
(05:23):
If we follow Jesus and if wewant to be people of integrity,
we need to ask better questionsthan whether or not a certain
behavior is right or wrong.
When guys ask me if a certainsexual behavior is okay or not,
underneath that question, I hearanother question, which is this
(05:43):
how much can I get away withwithout sinning?
It's as if they're driving alonga road and staying as close to
the edge of the road as possiblewithout going off a cliff.
Now, while I'm happy thatthey're not going off the cliff,
wisdom doesn't aim for the edgeof the road.
(06:03):
Wisdom stays in the center.
Keep your focus on the centerinstead of drifting to the side.
Don't aim for the border, aimfor the bullseye.
That's why the first eye isintegrity.
Not just asking if a behavior isallowable, but asking if it's
aligned with what the Biblesays, with who God is, and with
(06:24):
the heart of Jesus.
We know that God createdsexuality to be an expression of
his covenant love.
It's meant to be relational,connected, committed.
And that's why the second eye isintimacy.
Sexuality is our divinelydesigned engine for intimacy.
(06:48):
And marriage is designed toreflect God's covenant love.
And that's why I believe it'snot just advisable, but
essential that for married men,any sexual behavior you pursue
should only be done with thefull awareness and consent of
your wife.
Hiding and lying is not okay.
(07:10):
And I realize this is going tobe really challenging for some
of you guys.
It's absolutely heartbreakingwhen you're in a marriage where
there's so much pain anddifficulty and distance that
sexuality is not an active partof your life or your
relationship.
So if you're married, wonderingif a certain sexual behavior is
(07:30):
okay for you, here are thequestions I can encourage you to
ask.
Does your wife know about thisbehavior?
Or is it a secret?
What's her view of thisbehavior?
Because as much as possible, youwant to honor her values, not
just yours.
And finally, how does she feelabout this behavior?
(07:53):
Because even if she gives youbegrudging permission to engage
in a certain behavior underpressure, that is not true
consent.
If you have her active supportand blessing and appreciation of
a behavior, that's differentfrom a sense of obligation.
(08:15):
If you're wondering if a certainsexual behavior is okay for you
to pursue with your wife,please, please be as sensitive
as you can to the reality thatunderneath a hesitant yes from
your wife, there may be a deeperno.
She may be agreeing to somethingout of fear or shame or her own
(08:40):
trauma.
Sometimes the most loving,intimate way to relate to your
wife is to reassure her that youare committed to abstaining from
any behavior that might threatenthe relationship or her sense of
safety.
(09:00):
In any case, I encourage you tomake this fundamental shift in
your mindset.
Don't think in terms of aone-person psychology.
Think in terms of a two-personpsychology.
This is a phrase that I pickedup from one of the betrayal
trauma professionals whochallenged me recently.
Because when you're married,you're no longer operating as an
(09:24):
individual.
You're operating with theinterest of your spouse and the
interest of the relationshipfirst.
So even if you view a certainsexual behavior as acceptable,
that doesn't necessarily make itokay.
That's why we need to prioritizeintimacy over individuality when
making these decisions.
(09:45):
Because in the context of acouple, these are not questions
of individual morality.
Intimacy comes first.
Remember, don't think in termsof a one-person psychology,
think in terms of a two-personpsychology.
And the final category Iencourage you to consider when
evaluating any sexual behavioris impact.
(10:08):
How does this behavior affectyou?
How does it affect her?
How does it affect the two ofyou?
My friend Andrew Lloyd once toldme, Drew, I like to take the WTF
approach.
What's the fruit?
WTF stands for what's the fruit?
In other words, what's theimpact?
(10:31):
What's the result of thisbehavior?
We know that the fruit of theHoly Spirit is love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control.
The opposite of those things islust, depression, anxiety,
(10:53):
impatience or immediategratification, indifference,
injustice or evil,unfaithfulness, harshness, and
addiction.
So for any sexual behavior youmight be considering, what's the
fruit?
Is it the fruit of the spirit?
Is it leading you into love,joy, and peace?
(11:15):
Or is it contributing to lustand addiction and
objectification?
I believe at the most basiclevel, God designed sex and
sexuality for connection,pleasure, and creativity.
So does this sexual behaviorfulfill that design?
(11:37):
Do you feel more connected ormore disconnected as a result of
the behavior?
Does it bring pleasure only, oris it also causing pain for you
or for your partner?
Or in the context of porn, itvery well may be causing pain
for the performers and thepeople on the other side.
(11:58):
There's a whole world ofinjustice and sex trafficking on
the other side of the screen.
That is part of the impact weneed to consider when evaluating
certain sexual behaviors.
And in any behavior, are you acreator or a co-creator?
Or are you just a consumer?
Who are you becoming as a resultof this behavior?
(12:21):
And I realize that may or maynot lead to clarity.
That's why I encourage you toplease, please, please hold your
positions on sexual ethics withhumility.
Be open to the possibility thatyou may be wrong about
something.
You may change your mind lateron.
(12:42):
So get wisdom from people youtrust.
Ask for advice.
Don't make these decisions onyour own.
And don't just think in blackand white, right and wrong, and
take heart.
I know questions about sexualethics can be confusing and
overwhelming.
Here's some good news.
You don't have to have all theanswers.
(13:04):
You do need to be wise anddiscerning.
So the next time you'rewondering if a certain type of
sexual behavior is okay or not,remember the three eyes:
integrity, intimacy, and impact.
Integrity is not about allowingas many different types of
sexual behavior as possiblewithin your definition of what's
(13:25):
okay.
Integrity is about alignment,aligning your behaviors and your
beliefs as much as possible.
Don't aim for the border, aimfor the bullseye.
Make these decisions in thecontext of intimacy, not
isolation.
Secrecy fuels addiction.
Honesty is healing.
(13:47):
So if you're married, make surethat you give your wife a voice
and a choice when it comes toyour sexual behavior, because
this is not a one-personpsychology, it's a two-person
psychology.
And begrudging permission is nottrue consent.
What you really want is her fullblessing and support so that you
(14:11):
can build trust and restoreintimacy.
And finally, when evaluating anysexual behavior, pay attention
to the impact.
What's the fruit?
Remember the WTF approach.
What's the fruit?
How does this behavior affectyou and impact others?
As we ask these questions, weneed input from other people.
(14:31):
We need safe places to talkabout this stuff.
We need wise guides to challengeus.
The Husband Material Communityis designed to be a place where
you can ask any question thatmight be coming up for you in
this episode.
So I encourage you to join us inthe Husband Material community
at husbandmaterial.com and let'scontinue to help each other
change our brains, heal ourhearts, save our relationships,
(14:54):
and always remember you areGod's beloved Son, and you, he
is well pleased.
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