November 10, 2025 • 41 mins
Why do adult men need sex education? What sexual changes do men's bodies go through as we get older? In this episode, Dr. Doug Carpenter explains what men need to know about low testosterone, urinary flow, sperm production, and more. You'll learn about the importance of prostate exams, the truth about penis size, the difference between sex in porn vs. sex in marriage, and other common misconceptions men have about sex.
Join us for sex education in person at the next Husband Material Retreat! husbandmaterial.com/retreat
Dr. Doug Carpenter is a clinical psychologist, author, and founding board member of Husband Material Ministries. Learn more at douglascarpenter.com
Buy Doug's books:
- Secret Shame: A Survivor's Guide To Understanding Male Sexual Abuse And Male Sexual Development
- Childhood Trauma and the Non-Alpha Male: Gender Role Conflict, Toxic Shame, and Complex Trauma: Finding Hope, Clarity, Healing, and Change
Take the Husband Material Journey...
- Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
- Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
- Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
- Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy
Thanks for listening!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart, and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa, and I'mhere to show you how.
Let's go.
Hey, my name is Drew Boa.
(00:20):
I'm the founder of HusbandMaterial, where I help men
outgrow porn.
I want to start today's episodewith a question.
When you were growing up, didyou have a safe place to receive
accurate information and supportand guidance about healthy
sexuality?
When I asked that question tomen at the husband material
(00:43):
retreat in September, everysingle person said, No, I didn't
have that.
And then my follow-up questionis, do you wish that you did?
And every single person saidyes.
That is why we're having today'sconversation about sex education
for adult men.
And it's not just about learningwhat you missed out on when you
(01:06):
were a boy, it's also aboutgetting the information you need
now as an adult man in order tounderstand your body and sex and
sexuality as you get older.
I have never seen a singlepodcast or course or book from a
Christian source on the topic ofunderstanding male sexuality in
(01:32):
adulthood in the process ofaging.
And I'm so, so grateful for myfriend and mentor and board
member, Doug Carpenter, who is awealth of knowledge and
compassion on this topic.
So in this episode, you're gonnahear why adult men need sex ed,
(01:53):
not just boys.
You're gonna learn about thechanges that happen to a man's
body as you get older, how agingaffects sex, some of the common
myths and misunderstandingsabout things like penis size or
sex in porn versus sex in reallife, and also testosterone,
prostate.
(02:14):
I didn't know a lot of thisstuff before talking with Doug,
and I'm still learning.
And although I am passionateabout this topic for my own
learning and for all of you,this episode comes with a
trigger warning.
We are going to be discussinggenitals and anatomy and sexual
(02:37):
processes with specifictechnical terms.
So if that might beuncomfortable for you, or if it
might be triggering, I encourageyou to either pause the episode
until you feel safe, or maybeeven skip it.
You may want to listen to itwith your wife or in a safe
(03:00):
group where you can have theregulation you need to stay
safe.
We certainly don't want to putanyone at risk of a relapse
here.
So please check in withyourself.
And if at any point you feellike this is getting too
graphic, it's okay to stoplistening.
So I invite you to join me onthis journey of sex education
(03:24):
for adult men.
Enjoy the episode.
Today I am thrilled to welcomeDoug Carpenter back to the show.
Hey Doug.
SPEAKER_01 (03:33):
Hey, Drew.
It's always so good to be here.
No place I'd rather be thanworking with you.
SPEAKER_00 (03:39):
It has been too long, way too long, since you
have spoken on the HusbandMaterial podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (03:46):
Yeah, well, so much of what we've done together has
just been in person and beenlive, so we haven't recorded
many podcasts.
So it was time to do some.
SPEAKER_00 (03:55):
It's time.
And God has done so much duringthis time.
He has.
You've become a board member ofHusband Material Ministries.
We've done healing weekends,we've done retreats.
And today we're going to talkabout one of the topics that we
(04:16):
dove into at a recent retreatthat we will be also offering at
the next retreat, which is sexeducation for adult men.
Yes.
This really surprised me.
Why do adult men need sexeducation?
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
And I talked about this at the beginning of our
live sessions.
How this came about was at thelast several ret retreats, the
staff had just gotten so manyquestions about sex, about the
male body, about the femalebody, that it just became very
evident that there were thereare so many men who've never had
(04:59):
mentors or people in their livesto talk about this subject with.
SPEAKER_00 (05:12):
And under 42.
SPEAKER_01 (05:13):
And under 40, depending on the settings that
they were in.
But definitely like in schooland things, people over 40 may
not have ever really been giventhat experience.
Where people under 40 have beenmore likely to encounter some
type of sex education in classunless they were in a private
school or homeschooled.
So it just became evident to usas a staff on HM that there are
(05:37):
so many unanswered questionsthat this is something we need
to take seriously and we need toaddress.
And so that's how that cameabout.
And it's why this podcast cameabout because we need to provide
a safe place for men to talkabout this.
SPEAKER_00 (05:57):
And I was one of those men who was asking
questions that I felt like Ishould know, but I didn't know.
I did not know what the prostatewas.
When I heard the word prostate,all I thought of was cancer.
SPEAKER_01 (06:07):
Right.
Because you hear certain wordsassociated together.
And so that's what you think ofwhen you hear those things.
A lot of men don't know aboutthe prostate and the healthy
aspects of the prostate or howthat impacts sex and what you
have to do with that as you age.
And so there's just so muchinformation for us to know now.
(06:28):
We know so much more today thanwe've ever known about our
bodies and medical and healthand psychological.
And so we, HM, just definitelywant to share this information
in a loving, caring way, in avery open way.
So men have their questionsanswered in a safe place.
SPEAKER_00 (06:43):
Yes.
And one of the reasons why wewanted to do this at a retreat
in person is to increase thelevel of safety involves.
Because sometimes when we talkabout specific sexual things
online, like in private chats oreven on a video call, it can
feel less safe or, you know, ithas less boundaries around it.
(07:06):
You know, I don't necessarilyknow what the other person is
doing on the other side of thescreen.
SPEAKER_01 (07:10):
And it's hard to convey some of these concepts
maybe online.
Like I'd rather talk about thisand in person so we can put it
within a specific context of howthe material is being delivered.
SPEAKER_00 (07:21):
Yeah.
And be able to support people inthe moment when they get
triggered, because this is sucha triggering topic, too.
SPEAKER_01 (07:29):
It is.
It can be very triggering.
And you may even be triggeredtoday as you listen to Drew and
I.
And you may have a whole rangeof emotions come up.
Um, when I say triggering, Idon't even mean that this
conversation might be arousingor triggering for you to want to
go look at porn.
We had so many men haveemotional reactions during the
sessions because they came to acertain level of awareness, or
(07:52):
they came to an awareness of howmuch they've been hurt by sex or
the lack of knowledge about sexor the myths that they believed.
We had a lot of emotionalexperiences around this.
So you may be triggered onmultiple levels through this
conversation.
And that's okay.
SPEAKER_00 (08:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (08:19):
Pain that you didn't have a father or a mentor or
someone who guided you throughthis process.
There's there's an aspect ofrecognizing your aloneness in
this when you haven't beenprovided that mentor, the
mentorship that maybe you neededas a child or an adolescent.
So definitely our goal today andour goal at the retreat and our
(08:41):
goal at the upcoming retreats isto provide a very safe
environment where men can askquestions in a sexual realm
about their bodies, women'sbodies, their functioning,
anything that is related to thistopic that they don't understand
or have a question about.
(09:02):
We want to provide a safe placefor you to do that and a place
that doesn't feel embarrassing.
SPEAKER_00 (09:07):
Initially, I thought we would primarily be talking
about the basic sex ed that weneeded as boys but didn't get.
SPEAKER_01 (09:17):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (09:19):
It also turned into a very timely intervention for
the things we need to know aboutour adult bodies as they get
older.
SPEAKER_01 (09:28):
One thing that came up with that is understanding
the role of testosterone as webecome older.
When does that start todecrease?
What are the effects of thatupon our bodies?
And so in each session, I hadthe typical medical
questionnaire and I went throughthat with each session.
So people could identify, hey,if I have three or more of
(09:49):
these, then you know, I need togo see my medical doctor about
this because my testosteronelevels are changing, which
typically happens at age aroundage 45.
So yeah, the questions reallytook on a lot more about how do
I care for myself as a man as Iage and what do I need to watch
out for?
Which I was very happy to seethat men are starting to pay
(10:10):
more attention to this area.
SPEAKER_00 (10:12):
In addition to low testosterone, also known as low
T, what are some of the changesthat happen to a man sexually as
he gets older?
SPEAKER_01 (10:20):
Well, there were a lot of questions about sperm
production and spermdevelopment.
So your sperm tends to decreasein quality and mobility and
functioning, probably at the ageof around 40.
So there's higher risk, justlike with a female with egg
production, of having deformedsperm or sperm that's not
(10:42):
functioning the way it could.
It can increase birth defects ifyou're trying to father a child
after 40.
So that's something that youhave to be aware of.
And then, you know, men continueto produce to produce sperm
throughout the rest of theirlife.
Sometimes it can begin to shutdown and become less and less
and less as you age.
(11:03):
Some men stop in their 70s or80s, but it's really about the
quality of it.
And so you have to be carefulafter age 40.
And then we also had severalquestions about why I am 30, 40,
50 years old and still havingnocturnal emissions or what's
called wet dreams.
And so we had to have a bigdiscussion about what your body
(11:27):
does with sperm?
You know, your sperm is producedin your testicles.
It takes about two weeks forsperm to be produced.
Your testicles are made up oftiny little tubes that are all
wrapped together.
And if you actually took thatapart and stretched it, it would
span three football fields.
It's like a giant, giantconveyor belt that creates sperm
(11:51):
over the course of two weeks,takes them from what we call
couch potatoes to Olympians.
Okay, and it's like a hugeconveyor belt.
And your body produces up to 375million sperm a day.
So at the end of those twoweeks, your body has a chance to
(12:15):
either use that throughejaculation when you're being
sexual, your body can justabsorb it if it's not being
used.
But if it's not being used andyour body's not absorbing it as
quickly as it needs to, yourbody will find a way to
eliminate it itself.
And that's what happens during anocturnal emission.
(12:35):
When we sleep, our frontal lobekind of shuts down.
So all our all our inhibitionsare down.
And so that's why we might havesexual dreams, we might have
wrecked erect a lot of erectionsthroughout the night.
Just there's lots of otherreasons for that too, based on
hormones.
But your frontal lobe shutsdown, goes to sleep, allows your
(12:57):
body to heal and restore itself.
And part of that is possiblyhaving nocturnal emissions if
your body can't absorb yoursperm fast enough.
And so that's why we continue tohave wet dreams or nocturnal
emissions until your bodydoesn't need to do that anymore.
It's just your body's naturalway of getting rid of the fluid.
(13:17):
And also there was someconfusion, not confusion, just
lack of knowledge about spermonly makes up about 10% of your
ejaculate.
The rest of it comes from yourseminal vesticles and about 70%
of it comes from your prostate.
There's that word again.
It's part of the purpose of theprostate is to produce a
(13:38):
significant amount of the fluidthat the sperm is dumped into
and then propelled out when weejaculate.
The prostate is a very importantpart of sperm development and
then delivery.
And so many men don't thinkthat.
They think, oh, all this cameright from my testicles.
Actually, no, only about 10% ofit does where the sperm is at.
(14:00):
And then it's like ingredientsget added on the way out.
And many men don't understandthat that process.
So as a man ages, your prostatetends to thicken and it becomes
more enlarged.
And that can cause problems withurinary flow, is one of the big
(14:21):
things because your urethra,which is the tube that goes from
your bladder out through yourpenis to allow you to urinate,
passes through the middle ofyour prostate.
So as your prostate enlarges,your tube gets tends to get
squished.
It's more tightened.
So that's why you may pee moreoften as you age.
(14:42):
You may not empty your bladderas well as you age.
And so you have to go morefrequently, or there's more
urgency to go, urinate morefrequently, or you may have low
flow.
And the larger the prostatebecomes and more pressure it
puts on the urethra, your flowis going to slow down and not be
(15:05):
as strong.
And so that's why you maydribble more on the floor when
you pee, because it actuallyruns underneath the head of your
penis and drips while yourstream is coming out because
it's not coming out with force.
So I always tell people, men, asyou age, you need to get over
the toilet when you urinate, notstand out in front of it like we
(15:28):
used to, because we used to havelike a fire hose.
And it's no longer like that asyou age, because that stream
becomes less strong because ofthe pressure of the prostate
being put on it.
So, men, as you age and as younotice some of these changes,
it's important, probablystarting around the age of 40,
(15:48):
that you have your prostatechecked.
And there's a few different waysthat you can do that.
Number one, you can, as part ofyour hopefully annual blood
workup, which I encourage all ofyou to get an annual physical or
an annual blood workup, they cancheck your PSA level.
And that's the chemicals thatthey measure related to your
prostate as you age.
(16:09):
And so your PSA level canindicate that there might be a
problem.
But the best way to also alsocheck is through a digital exam
where the doctor will insert onefinger into your anus and about
two inches toward the upper sideof your rectum.
He can fill your prostate.
So he can feel if it'sthickening, if it's getting in
larger, if it's hard, if it'ssoft.
(16:31):
And that can give him someindication about how you're
functioning well.
So I know it's an uncomfortabletest.
It really takes three to fiveseconds.
I think you can endure that forthe overall sake of your health.
Prostate cancer is one of themost curable cancers that are
out there for men, but it needsto be caught early to have the
(16:53):
best outcome.
And so, as part of a yearlyexam, you either need to have
your primary care physician giveyou a prostate exam and do a PSA
check with your blood panel, oryou need to see your urologist
once a year for an annualphysical as well, where that
will be done and checked.
That's very important.
SPEAKER_00 (17:14):
I had never heard this before you and others
talked about it at the retreat.
SPEAKER_01 (17:20):
One of the, I think the greatest compliments I got
was from a young man who waslike, I think 28.
He came up to me and he said, Iam so happy that I set through
this because I had not evenstopped to think about how my
body's going to change as I ageand the things that I need to
watch out for.
I would have been taken bysurprise by some of these things
and thought, well, what's wrongwith me?
(17:42):
Yeah, nothing's wrong with you.
This is a normal part of aging,but you have to maintain your
medical health, your annualvisits to know these things and
to have someone explain them toyou and to stay healthy.
And so it was great that youngmen were saying, I'm so glad I
know this now and I know what toexpect.
SPEAKER_00 (18:03):
And also as a way of reducing shame.
Absolutely.
We know shame is a huge part ofwhat drives people to porn.
And many of us feel shame aboutwhat we don't know or what we
might mistakenly think aboutourselves as I'm not masculine
enough because I don't have thissexual thing going on.
SPEAKER_01 (18:24):
Right.
Well, one thing that Idefinitely want to say this
morning, because we work in thearea of outgrowing porn, is that
as men age, their sex drivestend to decrease, and the
strength of their erections tendto decrease, and maybe the
amount of sperm production isdecreasing.
And so you're noticing all thesesexual changes.
(18:46):
And if you don't know what'sgoing on, you can misinterpret
that.
Am I not attracted to my partneranymore?
Is our sex life just too boringthat I can't get aroused?
And so I find so many men whocome into my office around age
40 to 55 relapsing into porn orusing porn thinking, I'm missing
(19:07):
something sexually because I'mnot functioning right.
And so they go to this almost asa treatment, like, I need to see
if I still got this.
So I'm gonna go use porn.
And that's problematic for thenrelationships because you're
misperceiving the naturalchanges in your body and trying
to turn to something outside ofyourself to bring a level of
arousal that you used to onceexperience when you were 25.
(19:30):
And you have to understandthat's gonna change, and that's
okay.
SPEAKER_00 (19:35):
And you're still a man, you're not lacking
anything.
SPEAKER_01 (19:39):
Yes, and so another area that how we talked about
with your annual check with PSAand prostate, you need to also,
once you get to about 45 yearsor older, or if you have some of
these symptoms prior, you needto have your testosterone levels
checked.
A man's testosterone should besomewhere between 300 and 800.
(19:59):
Most studies say between 450 and550 is where a man really feels
kind of good or at his best, butthat tends to decrease as we
age.
So one of the questions thatcame up at the retreat is all
this stuff about testosteroneand people taking testosterone
is should I do this?
Is just is this just a trend?
(20:19):
Is it a fad?
And so I was able to explain,no, this is a natural part of a
man's body and the changes thathe goes through.
And it then it has to bemonitored around age 45 and
after.
And if you don't have enough ofthat, then it needs to be
supplemented with either an oralpill, a shot, the gel that you
can rub on your shoulder, someway to intake levels of
(20:42):
testosterone to keep your levelsat a normal level to where
you're optimally functioning.
And if you look at the medical,the 10-panel medical questions
that are offered, only threehave to do with sex.
The rest of the questions onthere have to do with mood, your
muscle strength, your just lifeendurance, your tiredness.
(21:04):
So there's so many things thattestosterone affects.
It's not just the arena of sex.
These can be signs that you'rehaving low testosterone.
And this is the typicalquestionnaire that we would give
a man if he's coming in for anexamination to see if he
potentially has low test.
(21:25):
Number one, do you feel adecrease in your libido, in your
sex drive?
Do you lack energy?
And that's not just sexualenergy, that's energy, period.
Do you have a decrease in thisin strength and endurance?
So, like your ability to playsports.
Are you finding it harder tohave an endurance to play or to
(21:45):
do or achieve what you used tobe able to do?
Are you losing height?
Have you noticed a decrease inyour overall enjoyment of life?
Do you feel sad and grumpy?
Are your erections less strong?
Have you noticed a recentdeterioration in your ability to
play sports?
Are you falling asleep afterdinner?
(22:06):
And has there been a recentdeterioration in your work
performance?
Notice how many of those wereabout sex.
Only two or three.
The rest of those are about yournormal daily functioning.
And if you're noticing changesin those, so many men will come
in around this age and they willsay, I'm just grumpy.
(22:28):
Like I'm I'm fine when I'm atwork, but the minute I get home,
I'm just exhausted and I'mgrumpy and it's causing problems
in my relationship.
And they'll they'll say, Mypartner's telling me and I'm I'm
depressed.
And I will say, When's the lasttime you had your testosterone
levels checked?
Well, I have it.
Well, you need to, because theseare all signs pointing toward
(22:49):
low testosterone that manifestsitself in a level of low
depression and grumpiness.
Wow.
And so that's why it's importantthat when you definitely when
you get 40, 45 years old, thatyou have these annual checks
with these blood draws.
And the testosterone level isnot a part of a man's normal
(23:10):
blood draw.
So you have to request forwhat's called the man panel.
Like you need to have your PSAcheck, your testosterone check.
You need to ask for these thingsto be part of your blood draw
panel is part of your annualphysical, so you can track and
understand these things.
SPEAKER_00 (23:29):
So this is not necessarily going to happen
automatically.
SPEAKER_01 (23:32):
It is not going to happen automatically.
These are things you're going tohave to request when you get to
a certain age.
Now, hopefully, your primarycare physician, or definitely
your urologist, will know onceyou get to a certain age that
they need to start doing this.
But a lot of men have torequest.
I will make sure to tell men goand request specifically that
your PSA and your testosteronelevels are checked.
SPEAKER_00 (23:55):
This might seem like common sense to some of you
guys, but it's new informationfor me and for so many of us.
What are some of the most commonother misunderstandings people
have about sex and sexuality aswe get older?
SPEAKER_01 (24:11):
We could talk for hours about this.
Misconceptions.
We are a society now that hasgrown up with porn, and so many
men and boys think that theactual act of sex should mimic
what they've seen in porn.
And that is so far opposite fromthe truth.
Sex in porn is for entertainmentpurposes.
(24:34):
The information that you learnfrom that is very inaccurate.
Another thing that men thinkfrom watching porn is that women
should have these toe-curlingorgasms from intercourse.
Well, there's a couple problemswith that.
70% of women, lots of studieshave shown that up to 70% of
(24:54):
women do not have orgasm throughvaginal penetration or
intercourse, that it takesclitoral stimulation, which is a
bundle of nerves that actuallysits above the vagina on the
outside, that has to bestimulated for them to have an
orgasm.
So 70% of women don't experiencethat.
(25:16):
It takes multiple forms ofstimulation.
We had so many questions at theretreat about I've never had a
simultaneous orgasm with myspouse, meaning that she's
having an orgasm, I'm having anorgasm at the same time.
Okay, that is so rare.
That really rarely happensbecause we, most of us, cannot
(25:39):
specifically choose the timingof our orgasm.
And so your partner's body isnot that in sync with your own
body where this simultaneouslyhappens.
It's portrayed in porn, but it'svery rare in life.
SPEAKER_00 (25:55):
And just kind of assumed.
I mean, as a kid with no sexeducation, I just thought that
it would happen at the sametime.
SPEAKER_01 (26:03):
Right.
And it rarely ever happens atthe same time.
And so men have all these mythsthat they believe about
sexuality.
Another myth that is believed ispenis size.
This is a big issue.
Where men need to understandthat anywhere from four four to
(26:24):
six point five inches is where95% of the population falls.
And that is consideredcompletely normal in an erect
state.
SPEAKER_00 (26:35):
I think even two inches is normal, not in that
erect state.
SPEAKER_01 (26:40):
Not in a flaccid state, yes.
But in an erect state, 4 to 6.5is 95% of the population.
There was a huge study done, andit's in the British Journal of
Medicine, where penis size hasbeen identified as the average
erect length is 5.125 inches.
(27:04):
And then we have a standarddeviation of about three-fourths
of an inch.
So, like I said, from 4 to 6.5is completely normal.
You're going to have 2.14% ofthe population that's less than
4 inches, and you're going tohave a little over 2% of people
that are above 6.5 inches.
(27:27):
And of course, those are thepeople that we see in porn.
It gives a really falseindication of what's real and
what's actual.
Here's another thing that Ireally focused on telling men at
the retreat is the only personconcerned about the size of your
penis is you.
(27:48):
Women care more about the manthat's attached to the penis
than the penis attached to theman.
And we have to know as men, andwe don't know this, this is
something we've had to been toldand taught is that the majority
of the nerve endings inside ofthe vagina are in the first
third of the vagina.
(28:09):
That's why intromission orentering, and then the back and
forth motion of thrusting ispleasurable for the female
because it's all in the firstthird of the vagina.
Once you get past that, there'snot a lot of nerve endings that
experience pleasure.
It's more they feel pressure, orif it's if it's if you're too
(28:32):
large or being too vigorous,they experience pain.
So it doesn't matter really thesize of your penis.
It's it's how you use it andthat you're stimulating that
first third of the vagina, whichis also where the G spot is on
the upper side of the femalevaginal wall.
(28:53):
And it's only about inch and ahalf in at the top.
And so that's another reason whythe thrusting in and out is
pleasurable.
It's not about how deep you cango, how much you can fill them
up, all these myths that menhear about penises and size and
how to use it.
Those are all myths.
SPEAKER_00 (29:16):
If anything, having a very large penis can be
uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
Can be very uncomfortable.
A woman would much prefer a guywho's a very average size
because the vaginal canal itselfis anywhere from four to five
inches long.
And it's made of elasticmaterial or flesh, so it can
expand to accommodate othersizes, but to be comfortable,
(29:45):
their body was made to fit ourbody.
But porn has told us that ourbodies are not adequate enough
to pleasure them.
95% of us fall within thatrange.
SPEAKER_00 (30:00):
Of compatible sexually with our partners.
I know this is rare, but I alsofeel like we should talk about
men who might be concerned thattheir penis is too large.
SPEAKER_01 (30:13):
If you're above six and a half inches, you're
definitely on the larger side ofthings.
And so when you're havingintercourse or interactions with
your partner, you may have to becareful about how far you can
realistically insert it intoher, or there may be certain
positions that cause her morepain than others.
(30:36):
And so you have to becomesensitive about that with her.
But the greatest thing you cando, and this was the theme of
every session that we had, iscommunication.
You can't be scared or afraid totalk about sex.
I use this analogy with theguys.
I said, if you sat down and gaveyour wife a massage, you would
(30:58):
be asking her, Does this feelgood?
Do you like this?
Am I in the right spot?
Is this too much pressure?
Is it not enough pressure?
Do you want me to do thisharder?
Do you want me to do deepmuscle, you know, massage?
Do you want me to back off?
Do you need a lighter touch?
You'd be asking all thesequestions so she could have a
pleasurable experience.
But yet you go into sexthinking, I'm supposed to know
(31:20):
everything and supposed to do itexactly right.
No, you have to pretend likeyou're giving a massage and you
have to ask all those pertinentand important questions of your
partner to make the situation,the experience enjoyable for
both of you.
You have to learn her body.
Her body's extremely differentthan yours.
(31:43):
She responds very differentlythan you do.
Men tend to like a moreaggressive touch on ourselves
because that's we've grown upmasturbating, and there's, you
know, we could talk a lot aboutthat, but we tend to enjoy more
pressure and maybe more fasteror harder rhythms, where a
(32:07):
female may not enjoy that atall.
And so you have to take the timeto learn your partner's body and
what they like.
So I just tell men use thatmassage thing as an analogy and
ask all the kinds of samequestions that you'd ask
somebody if you were gonna givethem a massage or rub their feet
or right.
SPEAKER_00 (32:27):
And keep in mind that women are different, and
just because someone else's wiferesponds a certain way doesn't
mean that yours will.
SPEAKER_01 (32:34):
Absolutely.
I I told the men this at theretreat that every woman is
different, so they're gonna likedifferent degrees of touch or
firmness or or whatever.
But also your wife, your partnerhas a hormonal cycle that also
changes and impacts her abilityto experience pleasure or be
(32:57):
sensitive in certain areas, likea woman's nipples are very
sensitive depending on wherethey're at in their menstrual
cycle or if they're betweencycles.
So what worked last week may notwork this week.
And you're like, I'm soconfused.
And that's okay, that's verynormal because women's bodies
they change throughout themonth, and you have to learn to
(33:19):
be accommodating and adjust yourtechnique with them.
But that's only going to happenthrough communication.
I don't think any of us wouldtend to know our wife's exact
hormonal cycle.
And so it's up to her to sharewith us when things are more
sensitive, or if we notice that,we need to ask how they're
(33:40):
feeling.
How does this feel?
We need to ask all thosequestions and open dialogue,
open dialogue is so important.
SPEAKER_00 (33:47):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (33:48):
Sex changes in a way that men tend to become more
intimacy focused.
Like as men age, we want it lessabout the mechanics and we want
it to be more and more aboutconnection.
So, in that, with a man's bodychanging the way it does, orgasm
(34:08):
needs to become less and less ofthe focus as you age sexually.
It needs to be more aboutsharing, connecting,
communicating, sharing levels ofintimacy versus acts of sex or
performance-based sex or theless goal achievement.
(34:31):
The goal here needs to be aconnection of intimacy, not a
performance rating.
That shows actually the healthof a relationship and the health
of sexual sexuality, and sex betends to become more meaningful
as we age.
SPEAKER_00 (34:50):
It's okay to not have an orgasm during it.
SPEAKER_01 (34:52):
It is completely okay.
And sometimes as you age, you'lleven realize I don't even need
it to have really enjoyed mytime with my partner.
And that that may sound weird tosomebody who's 25 right now,
thinking, oh my gosh, I thinkthat would drive me crazy.
Well, it probably would if youwere 25, but when you're 55, 65,
(35:13):
75, your body changes and itdoesn't require the same things.
And it it becomes a differentfocus.
And that's okay and veryhealthy.
SPEAKER_00 (35:23):
Yeah.
Doug, you are such a source ofwisdom about sex and sexuality.
And you have a tremendous amountof experience and skill and
knowledge.
So what do you wish more menknew about sex?
SPEAKER_01 (35:38):
Well, I think the reason that I know so much about
sex is just because I'm aclinical psychologist.
I've studied it.
I have looked at how my malechildhood sexual abuse affects
sexuality functioning in adultmen.
And so I've had to help a lot ofmen grow and learn about what
(35:58):
healthy and normal sexualitylooks like.
And then I've helped a lot ofcouples coming through that and
through addiction, learn whathealthy sexuality looks like and
how to have that.
The main thing that I wish moremen knew is that lovers are not
born, they are made.
(36:19):
You have to read about this, youhave to study it, you have to
communicate with your partner tomake this work well.
This is not something thatyou're supposed to be naturally
born how to do and do it right.
I mean, instincts take over to adegree, but there's so much more
(36:40):
intricacy involved.
I mean, look at the Song ofSolomon and the descriptions
that are in that book of theBible.
There's so much more to sharingintimacy with a person than just
the act itself.
But you have to learn that.
You don't walk into adolescenceand go through puberty and then
(37:02):
just suddenly are top-notch Aplus sex machine.
That's just not the way theworld or the situation works.
It's something that you have topractice, you have to
communicate, you have to learnto be good at.
(37:42):
You know, can you offer me someinformation about this or where
can I look?
Talk to your doctor, talk toyour urologist, or come to a
husband material retreat wherewe talk about these things in a
safe, open forum and in anappropriate way, with a little
bit of humor added.
SPEAKER_00 (38:02):
Just a little bit.
Or a lot of humor.
What is your favorite thingabout healthy married sex?
SPEAKER_01 (38:14):
The intimacy, the connection, the warmth, the I'm
not alone.
I get to share in this with acomplimentary human being that
was designed just for me, madejust perfectly to fit with my
body.
(38:35):
The emotions that you can havethrough intimacy and connection
are just something that'sindescribable.
You know, I think true intimacyalmost like a true relationship
with God is something you justcan't put into words.
It's something that you have toexperience.
And that's the beauty of whatGod created when He created man
(38:59):
and woman and created us assexual beings, is just that
beautiful connection that weexperience that we can't
experience with anyone elseexcept your chosen partner.
Very playfulness.
That's good.
Sex is not all about just beingserious.
You can have a lot of fun withit and to be very playful.
(39:19):
You know, there were a lot ofquestions about at the retreat:
is this okay?
Is that okay?
Should we be doing this?
Honestly, it's between you andyour wife.
Anything that you two consenttogether to be playful, to have
fun, to bring pleasure to one ofeach other, to each other,
that's between the two of you.
God put you together and hasordained you to enjoy one
(39:43):
another.
And that just makes sexbeautiful.
SPEAKER_00 (39:46):
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for coming back to thehusband material podcast.
Always.
I love coming back to thepodcast.
And if you're listening to thisand if you have questions and
you want to learn more aboutsome of these things, of course,
we could have conversationsabout it in the husband material
community or in privatemessaging to a degree.
(40:07):
But in order to really preservethe sense of safety and to be
able to fully support each otherin this, it's really best to be
in person.
So I want to invite you guys tocome to the Husband Material
Retreat in Georgia.
We are coming east for the firsttime in April, April 24th to
27th.
(40:27):
And we would love to see youthere where we will have one sex
ed session for adult men.
Doug, thank you so much.
Guys, you can connect with Dougat the links in the show notes
and get his books on childhoodtrauma and the non-alpha male,
on Secret Shame, Male Survivor'sGuide to Healing from Sexual
(40:51):
Abuse.
And come back next week foranother interview with Doug,
where we are talking about oneof the most powerful things that
I have ever seen, where we willbe talking about Doug's unique
approach to helping men healthat he has trained me in, that
we practice at husband material.
It's a form of psychodrama thatI'm not sure anybody else does
(41:14):
it quite the same way.
So come back next week andalways remember you are God's
beloved son.
In you, he is well pleased.
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart, and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa, and I'mhere to show you how.
Let's go.
Hey, my name is Drew Boa.
(00:20):
I'm the founder of HusbandMaterial, where I help men
outgrow porn.
I want to start today's episodewith a question.
When you were growing up, didyou have a safe place to receive
accurate information and supportand guidance about healthy
sexuality?
When I asked that question tomen at the husband material
(00:43):
retreat in September, everysingle person said, No, I didn't
have that.
And then my follow-up questionis, do you wish that you did?
And every single person saidyes.
That is why we're having today'sconversation about sex education
for adult men.
And it's not just about learningwhat you missed out on when you
(01:06):
were a boy, it's also aboutgetting the information you need
now as an adult man in order tounderstand your body and sex and
sexuality as you get older.
I have never seen a singlepodcast or course or book from a
Christian source on the topic ofunderstanding male sexuality in
(01:32):
adulthood in the process ofaging.
And I'm so, so grateful for myfriend and mentor and board
member, Doug Carpenter, who is awealth of knowledge and
compassion on this topic.
So in this episode, you're gonnahear why adult men need sex ed,
(01:53):
not just boys.
You're gonna learn about thechanges that happen to a man's
body as you get older, how agingaffects sex, some of the common
myths and misunderstandingsabout things like penis size or
sex in porn versus sex in reallife, and also testosterone,
prostate.
(02:14):
I didn't know a lot of thisstuff before talking with Doug,
and I'm still learning.
And although I am passionateabout this topic for my own
learning and for all of you,this episode comes with a
trigger warning.
We are going to be discussinggenitals and anatomy and sexual
(02:37):
processes with specifictechnical terms.
So if that might beuncomfortable for you, or if it
might be triggering, I encourageyou to either pause the episode
until you feel safe, or maybeeven skip it.
You may want to listen to itwith your wife or in a safe
(03:00):
group where you can have theregulation you need to stay
safe.
We certainly don't want to putanyone at risk of a relapse
here.
So please check in withyourself.
And if at any point you feellike this is getting too
graphic, it's okay to stoplistening.
So I invite you to join me onthis journey of sex education
(03:24):
for adult men.
Enjoy the episode.
Today I am thrilled to welcomeDoug Carpenter back to the show.
Hey Doug.
SPEAKER_01 (03:33):
Hey, Drew.
It's always so good to be here.
No place I'd rather be thanworking with you.
SPEAKER_00 (03:39):
It has been too long, way too long, since you
have spoken on the HusbandMaterial podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (03:46):
Yeah, well, so much of what we've done together has
just been in person and beenlive, so we haven't recorded
many podcasts.
So it was time to do some.
SPEAKER_00 (03:55):
It's time.
And God has done so much duringthis time.
He has.
You've become a board member ofHusband Material Ministries.
We've done healing weekends,we've done retreats.
And today we're going to talkabout one of the topics that we
(04:16):
dove into at a recent retreatthat we will be also offering at
the next retreat, which is sexeducation for adult men.
Yes.
This really surprised me.
Why do adult men need sexeducation?
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
And I talked about this at the beginning of our
live sessions.
How this came about was at thelast several ret retreats, the
staff had just gotten so manyquestions about sex, about the
male body, about the femalebody, that it just became very
evident that there were thereare so many men who've never had
(04:59):
mentors or people in their livesto talk about this subject with.
SPEAKER_00 (05:12):
And under 42.
SPEAKER_01 (05:13):
And under 40, depending on the settings that
they were in.
But definitely like in schooland things, people over 40 may
not have ever really been giventhat experience.
Where people under 40 have beenmore likely to encounter some
type of sex education in classunless they were in a private
school or homeschooled.
So it just became evident to usas a staff on HM that there are
(05:37):
so many unanswered questionsthat this is something we need
to take seriously and we need toaddress.
And so that's how that cameabout.
And it's why this podcast cameabout because we need to provide
a safe place for men to talkabout this.
SPEAKER_00 (05:57):
And I was one of those men who was asking
questions that I felt like Ishould know, but I didn't know.
I did not know what the prostatewas.
When I heard the word prostate,all I thought of was cancer.
SPEAKER_01 (06:07):
Right.
Because you hear certain wordsassociated together.
And so that's what you think ofwhen you hear those things.
A lot of men don't know aboutthe prostate and the healthy
aspects of the prostate or howthat impacts sex and what you
have to do with that as you age.
And so there's just so muchinformation for us to know now.
(06:28):
We know so much more today thanwe've ever known about our
bodies and medical and healthand psychological.
And so we, HM, just definitelywant to share this information
in a loving, caring way, in avery open way.
So men have their questionsanswered in a safe place.
SPEAKER_00 (06:43):
Yes.
And one of the reasons why wewanted to do this at a retreat
in person is to increase thelevel of safety involves.
Because sometimes when we talkabout specific sexual things
online, like in private chats oreven on a video call, it can
feel less safe or, you know, ithas less boundaries around it.
(07:06):
You know, I don't necessarilyknow what the other person is
doing on the other side of thescreen.
SPEAKER_01 (07:10):
And it's hard to convey some of these concepts
maybe online.
Like I'd rather talk about thisand in person so we can put it
within a specific context of howthe material is being delivered.
SPEAKER_00 (07:21):
Yeah.
And be able to support people inthe moment when they get
triggered, because this is sucha triggering topic, too.
SPEAKER_01 (07:29):
It is.
It can be very triggering.
And you may even be triggeredtoday as you listen to Drew and
I.
And you may have a whole rangeof emotions come up.
Um, when I say triggering, Idon't even mean that this
conversation might be arousingor triggering for you to want to
go look at porn.
We had so many men haveemotional reactions during the
sessions because they came to acertain level of awareness, or
(07:52):
they came to an awareness of howmuch they've been hurt by sex or
the lack of knowledge about sexor the myths that they believed.
We had a lot of emotionalexperiences around this.
So you may be triggered onmultiple levels through this
conversation.
And that's okay.
SPEAKER_00 (08:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (08:19):
Pain that you didn't have a father or a mentor or
someone who guided you throughthis process.
There's there's an aspect ofrecognizing your aloneness in
this when you haven't beenprovided that mentor, the
mentorship that maybe you neededas a child or an adolescent.
So definitely our goal today andour goal at the retreat and our
(08:41):
goal at the upcoming retreats isto provide a very safe
environment where men can askquestions in a sexual realm
about their bodies, women'sbodies, their functioning,
anything that is related to thistopic that they don't understand
or have a question about.
(09:02):
We want to provide a safe placefor you to do that and a place
that doesn't feel embarrassing.
SPEAKER_00 (09:07):
Initially, I thought we would primarily be talking
about the basic sex ed that weneeded as boys but didn't get.
SPEAKER_01 (09:17):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (09:19):
It also turned into a very timely intervention for
the things we need to know aboutour adult bodies as they get
older.
SPEAKER_01 (09:28):
One thing that came up with that is understanding
the role of testosterone as webecome older.
When does that start todecrease?
What are the effects of thatupon our bodies?
And so in each session, I hadthe typical medical
questionnaire and I went throughthat with each session.
So people could identify, hey,if I have three or more of
(09:49):
these, then you know, I need togo see my medical doctor about
this because my testosteronelevels are changing, which
typically happens at age aroundage 45.
So yeah, the questions reallytook on a lot more about how do
I care for myself as a man as Iage and what do I need to watch
out for?
Which I was very happy to seethat men are starting to pay
(10:10):
more attention to this area.
SPEAKER_00 (10:12):
In addition to low testosterone, also known as low
T, what are some of the changesthat happen to a man sexually as
he gets older?
SPEAKER_01 (10:20):
Well, there were a lot of questions about sperm
production and spermdevelopment.
So your sperm tends to decreasein quality and mobility and
functioning, probably at the ageof around 40.
So there's higher risk, justlike with a female with egg
production, of having deformedsperm or sperm that's not
(10:42):
functioning the way it could.
It can increase birth defects ifyou're trying to father a child
after 40.
So that's something that youhave to be aware of.
And then, you know, men continueto produce to produce sperm
throughout the rest of theirlife.
Sometimes it can begin to shutdown and become less and less
and less as you age.
(11:03):
Some men stop in their 70s or80s, but it's really about the
quality of it.
And so you have to be carefulafter age 40.
And then we also had severalquestions about why I am 30, 40,
50 years old and still havingnocturnal emissions or what's
called wet dreams.
And so we had to have a bigdiscussion about what your body
(11:27):
does with sperm?
You know, your sperm is producedin your testicles.
It takes about two weeks forsperm to be produced.
Your testicles are made up oftiny little tubes that are all
wrapped together.
And if you actually took thatapart and stretched it, it would
span three football fields.
It's like a giant, giantconveyor belt that creates sperm
(11:51):
over the course of two weeks,takes them from what we call
couch potatoes to Olympians.
Okay, and it's like a hugeconveyor belt.
And your body produces up to 375million sperm a day.
So at the end of those twoweeks, your body has a chance to
(12:15):
either use that throughejaculation when you're being
sexual, your body can justabsorb it if it's not being
used.
But if it's not being used andyour body's not absorbing it as
quickly as it needs to, yourbody will find a way to
eliminate it itself.
And that's what happens during anocturnal emission.
(12:35):
When we sleep, our frontal lobekind of shuts down.
So all our all our inhibitionsare down.
And so that's why we might havesexual dreams, we might have
wrecked erect a lot of erectionsthroughout the night.
Just there's lots of otherreasons for that too, based on
hormones.
But your frontal lobe shutsdown, goes to sleep, allows your
(12:57):
body to heal and restore itself.
And part of that is possiblyhaving nocturnal emissions if
your body can't absorb yoursperm fast enough.
And so that's why we continue tohave wet dreams or nocturnal
emissions until your bodydoesn't need to do that anymore.
It's just your body's naturalway of getting rid of the fluid.
(13:17):
And also there was someconfusion, not confusion, just
lack of knowledge about spermonly makes up about 10% of your
ejaculate.
The rest of it comes from yourseminal vesticles and about 70%
of it comes from your prostate.
There's that word again.
It's part of the purpose of theprostate is to produce a
(13:38):
significant amount of the fluidthat the sperm is dumped into
and then propelled out when weejaculate.
The prostate is a very importantpart of sperm development and
then delivery.
And so many men don't thinkthat.
They think, oh, all this cameright from my testicles.
Actually, no, only about 10% ofit does where the sperm is at.
(14:00):
And then it's like ingredientsget added on the way out.
And many men don't understandthat that process.
So as a man ages, your prostatetends to thicken and it becomes
more enlarged.
And that can cause problems withurinary flow, is one of the big
(14:21):
things because your urethra,which is the tube that goes from
your bladder out through yourpenis to allow you to urinate,
passes through the middle ofyour prostate.
So as your prostate enlarges,your tube gets tends to get
squished.
It's more tightened.
So that's why you may pee moreoften as you age.
(14:42):
You may not empty your bladderas well as you age.
And so you have to go morefrequently, or there's more
urgency to go, urinate morefrequently, or you may have low
flow.
And the larger the prostatebecomes and more pressure it
puts on the urethra, your flowis going to slow down and not be
(15:05):
as strong.
And so that's why you maydribble more on the floor when
you pee, because it actuallyruns underneath the head of your
penis and drips while yourstream is coming out because
it's not coming out with force.
So I always tell people, men, asyou age, you need to get over
the toilet when you urinate, notstand out in front of it like we
(15:28):
used to, because we used to havelike a fire hose.
And it's no longer like that asyou age, because that stream
becomes less strong because ofthe pressure of the prostate
being put on it.
So, men, as you age and as younotice some of these changes,
it's important, probablystarting around the age of 40,
(15:48):
that you have your prostatechecked.
And there's a few different waysthat you can do that.
Number one, you can, as part ofyour hopefully annual blood
workup, which I encourage all ofyou to get an annual physical or
an annual blood workup, they cancheck your PSA level.
And that's the chemicals thatthey measure related to your
prostate as you age.
(16:09):
And so your PSA level canindicate that there might be a
problem.
But the best way to also alsocheck is through a digital exam
where the doctor will insert onefinger into your anus and about
two inches toward the upper sideof your rectum.
He can fill your prostate.
So he can feel if it'sthickening, if it's getting in
larger, if it's hard, if it'ssoft.
(16:31):
And that can give him someindication about how you're
functioning well.
So I know it's an uncomfortabletest.
It really takes three to fiveseconds.
I think you can endure that forthe overall sake of your health.
Prostate cancer is one of themost curable cancers that are
out there for men, but it needsto be caught early to have the
(16:53):
best outcome.
And so, as part of a yearlyexam, you either need to have
your primary care physician giveyou a prostate exam and do a PSA
check with your blood panel, oryou need to see your urologist
once a year for an annualphysical as well, where that
will be done and checked.
That's very important.
SPEAKER_00 (17:14):
I had never heard this before you and others
talked about it at the retreat.
SPEAKER_01 (17:20):
One of the, I think the greatest compliments I got
was from a young man who waslike, I think 28.
He came up to me and he said, Iam so happy that I set through
this because I had not evenstopped to think about how my
body's going to change as I ageand the things that I need to
watch out for.
I would have been taken bysurprise by some of these things
and thought, well, what's wrongwith me?
(17:42):
Yeah, nothing's wrong with you.
This is a normal part of aging,but you have to maintain your
medical health, your annualvisits to know these things and
to have someone explain them toyou and to stay healthy.
And so it was great that youngmen were saying, I'm so glad I
know this now and I know what toexpect.
SPEAKER_00 (18:03):
And also as a way of reducing shame.
Absolutely.
We know shame is a huge part ofwhat drives people to porn.
And many of us feel shame aboutwhat we don't know or what we
might mistakenly think aboutourselves as I'm not masculine
enough because I don't have thissexual thing going on.
SPEAKER_01 (18:24):
Right.
Well, one thing that Idefinitely want to say this
morning, because we work in thearea of outgrowing porn, is that
as men age, their sex drivestend to decrease, and the
strength of their erections tendto decrease, and maybe the
amount of sperm production isdecreasing.
And so you're noticing all thesesexual changes.
(18:46):
And if you don't know what'sgoing on, you can misinterpret
that.
Am I not attracted to my partneranymore?
Is our sex life just too boringthat I can't get aroused?
And so I find so many men whocome into my office around age
40 to 55 relapsing into porn orusing porn thinking, I'm missing
(19:07):
something sexually because I'mnot functioning right.
And so they go to this almost asa treatment, like, I need to see
if I still got this.
So I'm gonna go use porn.
And that's problematic for thenrelationships because you're
misperceiving the naturalchanges in your body and trying
to turn to something outside ofyourself to bring a level of
arousal that you used to onceexperience when you were 25.
(19:30):
And you have to understandthat's gonna change, and that's
okay.
SPEAKER_00 (19:35):
And you're still a man, you're not lacking
anything.
SPEAKER_01 (19:39):
Yes, and so another area that how we talked about
with your annual check with PSAand prostate, you need to also,
once you get to about 45 yearsor older, or if you have some of
these symptoms prior, you needto have your testosterone levels
checked.
A man's testosterone should besomewhere between 300 and 800.
(19:59):
Most studies say between 450 and550 is where a man really feels
kind of good or at his best, butthat tends to decrease as we
age.
So one of the questions thatcame up at the retreat is all
this stuff about testosteroneand people taking testosterone
is should I do this?
Is just is this just a trend?
(20:19):
Is it a fad?
And so I was able to explain,no, this is a natural part of a
man's body and the changes thathe goes through.
And it then it has to bemonitored around age 45 and
after.
And if you don't have enough ofthat, then it needs to be
supplemented with either an oralpill, a shot, the gel that you
can rub on your shoulder, someway to intake levels of
(20:42):
testosterone to keep your levelsat a normal level to where
you're optimally functioning.
And if you look at the medical,the 10-panel medical questions
that are offered, only threehave to do with sex.
The rest of the questions onthere have to do with mood, your
muscle strength, your just lifeendurance, your tiredness.
(21:04):
So there's so many things thattestosterone affects.
It's not just the arena of sex.
These can be signs that you'rehaving low testosterone.
And this is the typicalquestionnaire that we would give
a man if he's coming in for anexamination to see if he
potentially has low test.
(21:25):
Number one, do you feel adecrease in your libido, in your
sex drive?
Do you lack energy?
And that's not just sexualenergy, that's energy, period.
Do you have a decrease in thisin strength and endurance?
So, like your ability to playsports.
Are you finding it harder tohave an endurance to play or to
(21:45):
do or achieve what you used tobe able to do?
Are you losing height?
Have you noticed a decrease inyour overall enjoyment of life?
Do you feel sad and grumpy?
Are your erections less strong?
Have you noticed a recentdeterioration in your ability to
play sports?
Are you falling asleep afterdinner?
(22:06):
And has there been a recentdeterioration in your work
performance?
Notice how many of those wereabout sex.
Only two or three.
The rest of those are about yournormal daily functioning.
And if you're noticing changesin those, so many men will come
in around this age and they willsay, I'm just grumpy.
(22:28):
Like I'm I'm fine when I'm atwork, but the minute I get home,
I'm just exhausted and I'mgrumpy and it's causing problems
in my relationship.
And they'll they'll say, Mypartner's telling me and I'm I'm
depressed.
And I will say, When's the lasttime you had your testosterone
levels checked?
Well, I have it.
Well, you need to, because theseare all signs pointing toward
(22:49):
low testosterone that manifestsitself in a level of low
depression and grumpiness.
Wow.
And so that's why it's importantthat when you definitely when
you get 40, 45 years old, thatyou have these annual checks
with these blood draws.
And the testosterone level isnot a part of a man's normal
(23:10):
blood draw.
So you have to request forwhat's called the man panel.
Like you need to have your PSAcheck, your testosterone check.
You need to ask for these thingsto be part of your blood draw
panel is part of your annualphysical, so you can track and
understand these things.
SPEAKER_00 (23:29):
So this is not necessarily going to happen
automatically.
SPEAKER_01 (23:32):
It is not going to happen automatically.
These are things you're going tohave to request when you get to
a certain age.
Now, hopefully, your primarycare physician, or definitely
your urologist, will know onceyou get to a certain age that
they need to start doing this.
But a lot of men have torequest.
I will make sure to tell men goand request specifically that
your PSA and your testosteronelevels are checked.
SPEAKER_00 (23:55):
This might seem like common sense to some of you
guys, but it's new informationfor me and for so many of us.
What are some of the most commonother misunderstandings people
have about sex and sexuality aswe get older?
SPEAKER_01 (24:11):
We could talk for hours about this.
Misconceptions.
We are a society now that hasgrown up with porn, and so many
men and boys think that theactual act of sex should mimic
what they've seen in porn.
And that is so far opposite fromthe truth.
Sex in porn is for entertainmentpurposes.
(24:34):
The information that you learnfrom that is very inaccurate.
Another thing that men thinkfrom watching porn is that women
should have these toe-curlingorgasms from intercourse.
Well, there's a couple problemswith that.
70% of women, lots of studieshave shown that up to 70% of
(24:54):
women do not have orgasm throughvaginal penetration or
intercourse, that it takesclitoral stimulation, which is a
bundle of nerves that actuallysits above the vagina on the
outside, that has to bestimulated for them to have an
orgasm.
So 70% of women don't experiencethat.
(25:16):
It takes multiple forms ofstimulation.
We had so many questions at theretreat about I've never had a
simultaneous orgasm with myspouse, meaning that she's
having an orgasm, I'm having anorgasm at the same time.
Okay, that is so rare.
That really rarely happensbecause we, most of us, cannot
(25:39):
specifically choose the timingof our orgasm.
And so your partner's body isnot that in sync with your own
body where this simultaneouslyhappens.
It's portrayed in porn, but it'svery rare in life.
SPEAKER_00 (25:55):
And just kind of assumed.
I mean, as a kid with no sexeducation, I just thought that
it would happen at the sametime.
SPEAKER_01 (26:03):
Right.
And it rarely ever happens atthe same time.
And so men have all these mythsthat they believe about
sexuality.
Another myth that is believed ispenis size.
This is a big issue.
Where men need to understandthat anywhere from four four to
(26:24):
six point five inches is where95% of the population falls.
And that is consideredcompletely normal in an erect
state.
SPEAKER_00 (26:35):
I think even two inches is normal, not in that
erect state.
SPEAKER_01 (26:40):
Not in a flaccid state, yes.
But in an erect state, 4 to 6.5is 95% of the population.
There was a huge study done, andit's in the British Journal of
Medicine, where penis size hasbeen identified as the average
erect length is 5.125 inches.
(27:04):
And then we have a standarddeviation of about three-fourths
of an inch.
So, like I said, from 4 to 6.5is completely normal.
You're going to have 2.14% ofthe population that's less than
4 inches, and you're going tohave a little over 2% of people
that are above 6.5 inches.
(27:27):
And of course, those are thepeople that we see in porn.
It gives a really falseindication of what's real and
what's actual.
Here's another thing that Ireally focused on telling men at
the retreat is the only personconcerned about the size of your
penis is you.
(27:48):
Women care more about the manthat's attached to the penis
than the penis attached to theman.
And we have to know as men, andwe don't know this, this is
something we've had to been toldand taught is that the majority
of the nerve endings inside ofthe vagina are in the first
third of the vagina.
(28:09):
That's why intromission orentering, and then the back and
forth motion of thrusting ispleasurable for the female
because it's all in the firstthird of the vagina.
Once you get past that, there'snot a lot of nerve endings that
experience pleasure.
It's more they feel pressure, orif it's if it's if you're too
(28:32):
large or being too vigorous,they experience pain.
So it doesn't matter really thesize of your penis.
It's it's how you use it andthat you're stimulating that
first third of the vagina, whichis also where the G spot is on
the upper side of the femalevaginal wall.
(28:53):
And it's only about inch and ahalf in at the top.
And so that's another reason whythe thrusting in and out is
pleasurable.
It's not about how deep you cango, how much you can fill them
up, all these myths that menhear about penises and size and
how to use it.
Those are all myths.
SPEAKER_00 (29:16):
If anything, having a very large penis can be
uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
Can be very uncomfortable.
A woman would much prefer a guywho's a very average size
because the vaginal canal itselfis anywhere from four to five
inches long.
And it's made of elasticmaterial or flesh, so it can
expand to accommodate othersizes, but to be comfortable,
(29:45):
their body was made to fit ourbody.
But porn has told us that ourbodies are not adequate enough
to pleasure them.
95% of us fall within thatrange.
SPEAKER_00 (30:00):
Of compatible sexually with our partners.
I know this is rare, but I alsofeel like we should talk about
men who might be concerned thattheir penis is too large.
SPEAKER_01 (30:13):
If you're above six and a half inches, you're
definitely on the larger side ofthings.
And so when you're havingintercourse or interactions with
your partner, you may have to becareful about how far you can
realistically insert it intoher, or there may be certain
positions that cause her morepain than others.
(30:36):
And so you have to becomesensitive about that with her.
But the greatest thing you cando, and this was the theme of
every session that we had, iscommunication.
You can't be scared or afraid totalk about sex.
I use this analogy with theguys.
I said, if you sat down and gaveyour wife a massage, you would
(30:58):
be asking her, Does this feelgood?
Do you like this?
Am I in the right spot?
Is this too much pressure?
Is it not enough pressure?
Do you want me to do thisharder?
Do you want me to do deepmuscle, you know, massage?
Do you want me to back off?
Do you need a lighter touch?
You'd be asking all thesequestions so she could have a
pleasurable experience.
But yet you go into sexthinking, I'm supposed to know
(31:20):
everything and supposed to do itexactly right.
No, you have to pretend likeyou're giving a massage and you
have to ask all those pertinentand important questions of your
partner to make the situation,the experience enjoyable for
both of you.
You have to learn her body.
Her body's extremely differentthan yours.
(31:43):
She responds very differentlythan you do.
Men tend to like a moreaggressive touch on ourselves
because that's we've grown upmasturbating, and there's, you
know, we could talk a lot aboutthat, but we tend to enjoy more
pressure and maybe more fasteror harder rhythms, where a
(32:07):
female may not enjoy that atall.
And so you have to take the timeto learn your partner's body and
what they like.
So I just tell men use thatmassage thing as an analogy and
ask all the kinds of samequestions that you'd ask
somebody if you were gonna givethem a massage or rub their feet
or right.
SPEAKER_00 (32:27):
And keep in mind that women are different, and
just because someone else's wiferesponds a certain way doesn't
mean that yours will.
SPEAKER_01 (32:34):
Absolutely.
I I told the men this at theretreat that every woman is
different, so they're gonna likedifferent degrees of touch or
firmness or or whatever.
But also your wife, your partnerhas a hormonal cycle that also
changes and impacts her abilityto experience pleasure or be
(32:57):
sensitive in certain areas, likea woman's nipples are very
sensitive depending on wherethey're at in their menstrual
cycle or if they're betweencycles.
So what worked last week may notwork this week.
And you're like, I'm soconfused.
And that's okay, that's verynormal because women's bodies
they change throughout themonth, and you have to learn to
(33:19):
be accommodating and adjust yourtechnique with them.
But that's only going to happenthrough communication.
I don't think any of us wouldtend to know our wife's exact
hormonal cycle.
And so it's up to her to sharewith us when things are more
sensitive, or if we notice that,we need to ask how they're
(33:40):
feeling.
How does this feel?
We need to ask all thosequestions and open dialogue,
open dialogue is so important.
SPEAKER_00 (33:47):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (33:48):
Sex changes in a way that men tend to become more
intimacy focused.
Like as men age, we want it lessabout the mechanics and we want
it to be more and more aboutconnection.
So, in that, with a man's bodychanging the way it does, orgasm
(34:08):
needs to become less and less ofthe focus as you age sexually.
It needs to be more aboutsharing, connecting,
communicating, sharing levels ofintimacy versus acts of sex or
performance-based sex or theless goal achievement.
(34:31):
The goal here needs to be aconnection of intimacy, not a
performance rating.
That shows actually the healthof a relationship and the health
of sexual sexuality, and sex betends to become more meaningful
as we age.
SPEAKER_00 (34:50):
It's okay to not have an orgasm during it.
SPEAKER_01 (34:52):
It is completely okay.
And sometimes as you age, you'lleven realize I don't even need
it to have really enjoyed mytime with my partner.
And that that may sound weird tosomebody who's 25 right now,
thinking, oh my gosh, I thinkthat would drive me crazy.
Well, it probably would if youwere 25, but when you're 55, 65,
(35:13):
75, your body changes and itdoesn't require the same things.
And it it becomes a differentfocus.
And that's okay and veryhealthy.
SPEAKER_00 (35:23):
Yeah.
Doug, you are such a source ofwisdom about sex and sexuality.
And you have a tremendous amountof experience and skill and
knowledge.
So what do you wish more menknew about sex?
SPEAKER_01 (35:38):
Well, I think the reason that I know so much about
sex is just because I'm aclinical psychologist.
I've studied it.
I have looked at how my malechildhood sexual abuse affects
sexuality functioning in adultmen.
And so I've had to help a lot ofmen grow and learn about what
(35:58):
healthy and normal sexualitylooks like.
And then I've helped a lot ofcouples coming through that and
through addiction, learn whathealthy sexuality looks like and
how to have that.
The main thing that I wish moremen knew is that lovers are not
born, they are made.
(36:19):
You have to read about this, youhave to study it, you have to
communicate with your partner tomake this work well.
This is not something thatyou're supposed to be naturally
born how to do and do it right.
I mean, instincts take over to adegree, but there's so much more
(36:40):
intricacy involved.
I mean, look at the Song ofSolomon and the descriptions
that are in that book of theBible.
There's so much more to sharingintimacy with a person than just
the act itself.
But you have to learn that.
You don't walk into adolescenceand go through puberty and then
(37:02):
just suddenly are top-notch Aplus sex machine.
That's just not the way theworld or the situation works.
It's something that you have topractice, you have to
communicate, you have to learnto be good at.
(37:42):
You know, can you offer me someinformation about this or where
can I look?
Talk to your doctor, talk toyour urologist, or come to a
husband material retreat wherewe talk about these things in a
safe, open forum and in anappropriate way, with a little
bit of humor added.
SPEAKER_00 (38:02):
Just a little bit.
Or a lot of humor.
What is your favorite thingabout healthy married sex?
SPEAKER_01 (38:14):
The intimacy, the connection, the warmth, the I'm
not alone.
I get to share in this with acomplimentary human being that
was designed just for me, madejust perfectly to fit with my
body.
(38:35):
The emotions that you can havethrough intimacy and connection
are just something that'sindescribable.
You know, I think true intimacyalmost like a true relationship
with God is something you justcan't put into words.
It's something that you have toexperience.
And that's the beauty of whatGod created when He created man
(38:59):
and woman and created us assexual beings, is just that
beautiful connection that weexperience that we can't
experience with anyone elseexcept your chosen partner.
Very playfulness.
That's good.
Sex is not all about just beingserious.
You can have a lot of fun withit and to be very playful.
(39:19):
You know, there were a lot ofquestions about at the retreat:
is this okay?
Is that okay?
Should we be doing this?
Honestly, it's between you andyour wife.
Anything that you two consenttogether to be playful, to have
fun, to bring pleasure to one ofeach other, to each other,
that's between the two of you.
God put you together and hasordained you to enjoy one
(39:43):
another.
And that just makes sexbeautiful.
SPEAKER_00 (39:46):
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for coming back to thehusband material podcast.
Always.
I love coming back to thepodcast.
And if you're listening to thisand if you have questions and
you want to learn more aboutsome of these things, of course,
we could have conversationsabout it in the husband material
community or in privatemessaging to a degree.
(40:07):
But in order to really preservethe sense of safety and to be
able to fully support each otherin this, it's really best to be
in person.
So I want to invite you guys tocome to the Husband Material
Retreat in Georgia.
We are coming east for the firsttime in April, April 24th to
27th.
(40:27):
And we would love to see youthere where we will have one sex
ed session for adult men.
Doug, thank you so much.
Guys, you can connect with Dougat the links in the show notes
and get his books on childhoodtrauma and the non-alpha male,
on Secret Shame, Male Survivor'sGuide to Healing from Sexual
(40:51):
Abuse.
And come back next week foranother interview with Doug,
where we are talking about oneof the most powerful things that
I have ever seen, where we willbe talking about Doug's unique
approach to helping men healthat he has trained me in, that
we practice at husband material.
It's a form of psychodrama thatI'm not sure anybody else does
(41:14):
it quite the same way.
So come back next week andalways remember you are God's
beloved son.
In you, he is well pleased.
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