November 3, 2025 • 65 mins
When you're triggered or tempted to watch porn, you cannot not regulate. What you can do is choose how you will regulate. In this episode, you'll learn ten powerful grounding techniques to regulate your brain and body without porn:
- Deep Breathing: Diaphragmatic (image)
- Power Breathing: Wim Hof Method (video)
- External Observation: 5-4-3-2-1 (image)
- Internal Observation: How We Feel (app)
- Ten Befriending Questions (PDF)
- Imagination: Visualize your inner world
- Creativity: Be a creator, not a consumer
- Movement: Be proactive, not passive
- Identity: Remember who you are (PDF)
- Co-regulation: Do any of these with a friend!
Take the Husband Material Journey...
- Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
- Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
- Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
- Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy
Thanks for listening!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart, and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa, and I'mhere to show you how.
Let's go.
SPEAKER_02 (00:19):
Today we are talking about 10 ways to regulate
without porn.
And these 10 strategies I'mgoing to teach are technically
called grounding techniques tohelp you stay grounded or get
re-grounded when you'reungrounded.
Now, when I was a kid, beinggrounded was a bad thing.
(00:41):
It was a punishment that meant Ican't go outside, I can't play
with my friends.
I'm grounded.
I'm punished.
As an adult, I've learned thatbeing grounded can actually be a
really good thing.
In fact, in many ways, it's thegoal of recovery.
When you are feeling sexuallytempted or triggered, you want
(01:04):
to bring your brain and bodyback into balance without porn
or other unwanted sexualbehaviors.
Being grounded allows you tofeel safe, centered, and stable,
even without the sexualstimulation that you've
historically used toself-regulate.
(01:26):
Being grounded is an image ofhaving your feet planted firmly
on the ground, anchored andsecure, connected to your heart,
connected to your body,connected to God, maybe
connected to your brothers andtrusted friends who are with you
on this journey.
Ultimately, being grounded meansbeing at home in who you truly
(01:52):
are.
When I was a kid, being groundedmeant I have to stay home.
I'm trapped.
As an adult, being groundedmeans I get to come home instead
of wandering and drifting offinto the world of digital
distractions and sexualfantasies.
This is about coming home.
(02:14):
So my question for everyone herelive is this how do you know
when you are grounded?
How does it feel to be grounded?
Justin says, not anxious.
Dave says, peaceful, calm,relaxed.
My body is not tight.
(02:35):
That is a great clue that you'rebeing dysregulated when you have
a tightening in your stomach orin your throat, when you can't
think straight, when it feelslike feelings are taking over,
or when you feel nothing at all,when you go numb, when you start
shutting down.
These are clues that you are notgrounded.
(02:59):
These are clues that you'reoutside your window of
tolerance, as the traumaresearchers have called it.
Each of us has a window oftolerance, a range of sensations
and feelings that we feel likewe can handle, where I can think
and feel at the same time whenI'm in my window of tolerance.
When I'm in my window oftolerance, I can be the mature,
(03:23):
healthy, adult Drew.
When you're outside your windowof tolerance, it's like your
Wi-Fi range to love and peaceand joy is really small.
It's like being too far awayfrom the internet connection.
Can you kind of make it work?
Maybe sometimes, but it's way,way easier to come back to a
(03:47):
strong connection before you tryto do something.
Keith says, When I'm grounded, Idon't want to act out.
Exactly.
That's why this episode mattersso much.
When you're grounded, you canwelcome whatever's happening
within you instead of warringagainst it.
That doesn't mean you dowhatever your feelings want.
(04:09):
It just means you have space forit all.
It means you have capacity.
Bill says, when I'm grounded,I'm able to function.
Tim says, when I feel God'spresence.
How beautiful.
Yeah.
For many of us, being groundedis the sense of being with
(04:30):
Jesus, being connected to Christin me, being filled with the
Holy Spirit, having access tolove, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness,faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control.
We want more of that becausethat is what leads to lasting
(04:51):
freedom from porn.
That's what helps us come backto ourselves when we're
wandering or drifting orteetering on the edge of
temptation.
So this is at once a spiritualpractice of grounding ourselves,
and it's a scientific techniqueof helping your brain and body
(05:13):
regulate.
Justin says, I'm breathingnormally without thinking about
breathing.
We will talk about breathinglater.
Dave says, when I'm grounded, Inotice the beauty in God's
creation around me.
That's awesome.
When you're grounded, you canexperience things like awe and
gratitude and wonder rather thanbeing self-absorbed in my own
(05:40):
little world.
Fred says, when I'm grounded, Ican focus.
Chris says, I'm not overwhelmed.
Brandon says, for me, beinggrounded looks like finding
peace in the midst of the chaos.
I am safe.
Awesome.
This is so good.
This is so good.
(06:00):
So being grounded is a physicalstate, and it's also a skill you
can practice.
It's more than just an attitude.
It's an action.
And today you are going to learn10 grounding techniques that can
(06:23):
help you get to that place ofbeing stable, centered, and
safe, connected, curious,compassionate, courageous, all
these good words, there are somevery clear, powerful paths to
get to that place withoutresorting to unwanted behavior.
(06:47):
And you are going to learn thesetools.
Now, I admit, if the only thingwe needed to outgrow porn and
achieve lasting freedom fromunwanted sexual behavior was
more tools, then many of uswould be free from porn by now.
If all we needed was more tools,we might not even need this
(07:10):
ministry.
So why are we talking abouttools?
If you can have all the tools inthe world and still not really
want to use them, well, it helpstremendously in a moment of
being triggered or being temptedto have multiple options.
(07:31):
If I think that my only optionwhen I'm tempted is to sexually
act out or to do some kind ofrecovery practice that doesn't
really resonate with me, I'mmuch more likely to choose to
sexually act out than if I feltlike I had a menu of lots of
(07:52):
different ways that I canregulate without porn or without
fantasy and masturbation.
So think of tonight as a menu.
It's designed to give youoptions.
Now, this doesn't actuallychange whether or not you want
to use the options or you wantto prevent relapse, but it can
make it so much easier than ifyou felt like, gosh, there's
(08:18):
there's only one way that I canget away from temptation and I
really don't want to do that onething.
I hope that out of the 10 toolsyou learned tonight, that maybe
one or two will stand out toyou.
It's okay if not every singleone resonates with you or not
every single one works for you.
(08:39):
You are a bio individual.
We are all so unique.
Each of our brains is socomplex.
So I invite you to considerwhich of these 10 tools might be
appealing and attractive to youwhen porn or other unwanted
(09:03):
sexual behavior is pulling onyour heart.
Because if you want to use atool, you are much more likely
to actually practice it.
If you enjoy one of these toolsmore than the others, prioritize
that one.
Go with that one.
Maybe you want to combinemultiple tools.
(09:25):
This episode may not change howmuch you want to prevent
relapse, but when you genuinelyfeel like I have no way out to
handle what I'm feeling otherthan to go back to porn, this
episode will give you options.
Here we go.
I am going to personally leadyou through these 10 grounding
(09:45):
techniques.
I once had a husband materialleader tell me that he thought I
should create an album of menarrating different grounding
techniques so that you couldturn on one of the tracks when
you're feeling tempted and hearmy voice in your ears guiding
(10:09):
you through one of thesetechniques.
This episode is a start towardcreating that, where I'm
literally going to guide youthrough each technique as if I'm
right here with you in the roomand we're doing this together.
Maybe one day I'll create thatalbum.
And if enough people let me knowthey want that, I'll do it.
(10:32):
I have no idea how it wouldwork, but we're going to start
with this podcast episode.
Let's begin.
The first grounding techniquethat I want to guide you into
today is deep breathing.
(11:01):
In this moment, notice you'rebreathing.
Is it shallow or deep?
Is it fast or slow?
Sometimes we may be barelybreathing at all and not even
(11:23):
realize it.
Especially when we are triggeredor tempted, when we are outside
of our window of tolerance, ourbreathing changes, becomes quick
and shallow, or it flatlines.
And the amount of oxygen flowingto our brain is way lower than
(11:50):
it needs to be for us to makedecisions that we can be proud
of.
So in this moment, withoutjudgment, simply notice you're
breathing.
Breathing is your superpower forself-regulation.
(12:12):
Both spiritually andscientifically, it is the
quickest, most efficient, andpowerful way to alter the state
of your brain and body,especially when you're
dysregulated and you feel theurge to watch porn.
(12:34):
Deep breathing, also known asbelly breathing, involves
lowering the place where yourbreath is moving in and out.
Also known as diaphragmaticbreathing.
Your diaphragm is a point rightaround the center of your chest.
(12:58):
Below your diaphragm is yourbelly.
And you know that you'rebreathing deeply from your belly
when your belly is moving in andout.
Not your upper chest where yourrib cage is, but below your rib
cage.
Right around the belly button.
(13:20):
See if you can take some deepbreaths that move your belly in
and out very slowly.
(13:46):
As you deepen your breathing,notice if anything shifts within
you.
What changes when you deepenyour breathing and slow down?
(14:07):
Let me know in the chat.
Dave says, shoulders arerelaxing.
Clayton says everything slowsdown.
My breathing, my body, my mind.
Bill says, tightness leaves mymuscles.
Ed says energy is dispersing.
(14:27):
Chris says, overall calmness.
Justin says, I'm more aware ofwhat's happening around me.
Scott says, I am aware of how Iphysically feel.
It sounds like breathing isskyrocketing self-awareness for
many of you.
Notice that.
There's one approach to deepbreathing that has been widely
(14:51):
taught and popularized calledbox breathing, where you breathe
in for a count of four, hold itfor a count of four, breathe out
for a count of four, and hold itfor a count of four.
And this four-sided box ofbreathing in, holding it,
(15:14):
breathing out, holding itcreates a box.
Let's try it out.
SPEAKER_01 (15:22):
Breathe in.
One, two, two, three, four.
Hold it.
Two, three, two, four.
Breathe out.
Two, three, four, hold it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Breathe in.
(15:42):
Two.
Three.
Four.
Hold it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Breathe out.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Hold it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
SPEAKER_02 (16:01):
That's box breathing.
Try it out.
Keith says, breathing relaxesme.
It allows me to step out ofmyself.
Beautiful.
Choose whichever type of breathwork works well for you.
The main thing is simply to justbecome aware of our breath and
allow it to be what it is.
(16:22):
Then you can try some of thesetechniques to literally shape
the state of your nervoussystem.
It's incredible.
Deep, slow breathing is whatmost of us think of when we
consider taking a few deepbreaths to ground ourselves.
(16:44):
The second grounding technique Iwant to teach you is really the
exact opposite.
Power breathing, taking quick,full breaths rather than slow,
deep breaths.
And you have to be careful withthis, especially if you have
(17:04):
some kind of respiratorycondition, or if you start to
feel lightheaded or out ofbreath, do not continue this
exercise.
Power breathing is intense.
And if you have any medicalconcerns, definitely consult
your doctor before tryingsomething that will be pushing
(17:25):
you to your edge of what you'recomfortable with.
I discovered power breathing byparticipating in a research
study by Dr.
Joseph Nicolosi Jr.
on sexually arousing memories,where he had me literally think
(17:47):
of a sexual experience I had hadin the past that was very
arousing for me, and hold thatin my mind while doing power
breathing, specifically the WimHof method.
And in eight minutes, the levelof arousal that I felt on those
(18:09):
specific YouTube videos that Ihad watched went way down.
And then he followed up twoweeks later and a month later,
and the level of arousal wasstill way down.
It was remarkable.
And I look forward to havingJoseph back on the podcast to
talk about his research and hisfindings.
(18:29):
Many of the men in our communityparticipated in the research as
well.
And I was just blown away by howquickly and effectively this
technique seemed to sap thepower out of some of these
specific memories.
Now, I don't think this is somekind of cure for unwanted sexual
(18:53):
attraction.
Not at all.
This is not designed to removeor replace your sexual arousal
template.
Rather, it can help to reprocessspecific sexually arousing
memories so that those thoughtsand feelings start to lose their
(19:14):
power.
It's incredible.
Again, not every tool is goingto resonate with everybody.
So just be curious about whetheror not this might be helpful for
you.
We're going to try it out.
And I still don't fullyunderstand how it works, but I
have noticed that the rhythm ofpower breathing mimics the speed
(19:40):
and force of breathing during anorgasm.
And the way I think about it isit's almost as if I tricked my
brain into thinking that it hadalready had an orgasm simply by
power breathing.
But essentially, what we'redoing is consciously controlling
(20:01):
our nervous system byintentionally activating
ourselves through breath workand then allowing that physical
state to naturally drop downinto calm, peaceful, gentle
energy afterwards.
Now you can look up the Wim Hofmethod if you want to do power
(20:25):
breathing in a more renowned,refined way.
We're going to do it in reps of10 quick full breaths, followed
by 20 seconds of rest.
Don't think about any specificimagery.
(20:46):
Just try this out and notice howit affects you.
Please don't hyperventilate ifyou start to feel lightheaded or
uncomfortable.
Pause the exercise.
You don't need to continue.
SPEAKER_01 (20:59):
Here we go.
SPEAKER_02 (21:21):
Just allow your body to settle.
Stay calm.
Three, two.
(21:54):
Now rest.
Twenty seconds to just be.
If you feel like you're done,you can be done.
If you want to do one moreround, we will get started in
five, four, three, two, three,one.
SPEAKER_01 (22:32):
Okay.
We're all done.
SPEAKER_02 (22:47):
Just notice how that is affecting you.
I personally did it by breathingin through my nose and then
breathing out through my mouth,but you could also breathe in
through your mouth and outthrough your mouth as well.
Either way is fine.
Did you feel how it brought youup and activated you and then
(23:08):
brought you back down?
It's powerful.
Breathing has this incredibleability to wake us up and calm
us down at the same time.
So when you feel dead and dulland numb and you're just looking
for something to make you feelalive again, like porn,
(23:29):
breathing can do it so muchbetter.
And when you feel anxious andstressed and agitated or angry,
and you need something to takeyour mind off of it and take the
edge off of it, like porn,breathing can also do it so much
better.
(23:49):
Fred says, I feel relaxedafterward.
Tim says it made me feel morerelaxed for sure.
Bill says, deeper feeling ofrelaxation after the breaths.
Justin says it feels like thecalming part is really important
to help us regulate into agrounded state.
Exactly.
If you just did thiscontinually, well, you wouldn't
be able to do it continually,but you know, you could hurt
(24:12):
yourself.
Brandon said, I felt energyrushing to my head and felt
relief.
Chris said, I felt a lightness,almost a euphoric state.
Crazy.
SPEAKER_03 (24:23):
Hmm.
SPEAKER_02 (24:24):
Yeah, I think it's going to affect each of us
differently.
The goal of doing this is togive you more options.
So now when you think, okay, I'mtriggered, I'm tempted, I gotta
breathe.
Consider whether you might wantto do deep breathing or power
breathing.
And I'll put some links in theshow notes, including the Wim
(24:47):
Hof method for those who want toexplore this further.
Now, breathing is the first stepof BOA BOA, a tool that you
learn in Husband MaterialAcademy and in my new book,
Outgrow Porn, if you're readingthat.
The second step of BOA, the Ostands for observe, and that
(25:11):
will be the focus of the thirdgrounding technique.
There are two types ofobservation.
I want to teach you externalobservation and internal
observation.
For external observation, youare observing your five senses.
What you see, hear, touch,smell, and taste.
(25:32):
This can be very grounding.
A popular technique getting youin touch with your five senses
is called 54321, where younotice five things you can see,
four things you can touch, threethings you can hear, two things
you can smell, and one thing youcan taste or remember tasting.
(25:57):
Let's try it out.
Starting with five things youcan see.
You might say, I see my computerin front of me, or you might
say, the computer is in front ofme.
Either format works.
See what you see.
Notice what you notice.
You might notice the color ofsomething, the shape of
(26:21):
something, how far away or closesomething is.
Now four things you can touch.
Perhaps your clothes on yourbody, perhaps an object close to
you.
SPEAKER_01 (26:41):
I feel my socks on my feet.
Or I'm wearing a cotton shirt.
SPEAKER_02 (26:50):
Then three things you can hear.
Even if it's the hum of a fan ornothing at all.
Notice if you hear your ownbreathing.
Then two things you can smell.
I actually have no sense ofsmell.
(27:10):
You may also notice somethingyou remember smelling.
And then finally, one thing youcan taste or remember tasting.
Maybe something that tastedreally good.
Bring that into your mind.
And I would love to hear in thechat what food you enjoy that
(27:34):
you remember tasting.
Ice cream, pumpkin pie, driedcranberries, an Oreo blizzard,
strawberries, hot crispy creamdonut coffee.
So notice how this simpleexercise affected you.
(27:56):
This type of practice of sensoryawareness is sometimes referred
to as mindfulness.
And it's becoming more and morepopular for a very good reason.
It works.
Mindfulness-based stressreduction, mindfulness-based
(28:18):
relapse prevention is so great.
It's been around for a longtime.
More and more research isvalidating the power of
mindfulness, especially foranxiety.
And here's what I find in mypersonal life and in my work
with clients.
(28:38):
Any grounding technique thathelps you regulate anxiety can
also help you regulate sexualarousal.
The 54321 technique, other typesof mindfulness, these tools are
designed to allow you to be withwhatever's going on for you
(29:02):
sexually, rather than to just bearoused to be with the arousal,
rather than just to be lonely,to be with the loneliness.
It's a big difference.
Observing our five senses isexternal.
The next grounding technique wewill try out is observing our
(29:28):
internal world, our thoughts,our feelings.
And there are some awesome toolsfor this, including the feeling
wheel or the core emotion wheeldeveloped by Dr.
Glenn and Phyllis Hill.
They talked about that recentlyon the podcast.
(29:49):
Jonathan Hernandez also talkedabout the core emotion wheel.
In that wheel, the core emotionsare joy, anger, shame.
Guilt, fear, lonely, sad, andhurt.
Notice any of those feelingsright now.
(30:10):
And you might use the simpleformula saying, I feel blank.
About blank.
You might also use partslanguage saying part of me feels
a certain way, and part of mefeels another way.
Most of us suffer from somedegree of alexithymia, which is
(30:33):
a fancy way of saying, I don'tknow how I feel.
There's a great app called HowWe Feel.
You can get it at how wefeel.org.
And it has a wonderful program.
It's free.
It can help you identifyemotions, process emotions.
It has this great journalingassistant to ask you good
(30:57):
questions.
And it can teach you moregrounding techniques than you're
learning tonight.
So I would strongly recommendthe How We Feel app.
And if you want to go deeperinto a specific thought or
feeling, I want to teach youanother tool from my new book,
Outgrow Porn, called the 10Befriending Questions.
(31:18):
It's at the end of chapter two.
These questions are so helpful.
They're often the questions thattherapists will ask during EMDR
or brain spotting or IFS, butyou can ask them to yourself.
You don't need to have some kindof degree or license to ask good
(31:40):
questions.
They're called befriendingquestions because they allow you
to befriend your brain ratherthan battle your brain.
Once you have identified afeeling, here are 10 befriending
questions you can ask to get toknow that feeling and find out
(32:00):
what's underneath it so that youcan connect with this part of
you rather than fight anexhausting battle against this
part of you.
Whether it's an emotion or asexual thought or feeling, here
are the 10 befriendingquestions.
Number one, how am I feeling?
(32:24):
Number two, where do I feel thisin my body?
Number three, on a scale of oneto ten, how strong is this
feeling?
Number four, this one is myfavorite.
If this feeling could talk, whatwould it say?
(32:48):
Number five.
If so, what does it look like?
For example, it might look likea little boy or an animal or a
color or a character.
It might look like a characterfrom the movie Inside Out.
(33:12):
In any case, see if you canpicture this feeling.
Number six, what does thisfeeling want me to do?
Number seven, where might thisfeeling be coming from?
Earlier in the day, earlier inthe week, maybe even earlier in
(33:34):
adulthood or earlier inchildhood.
Number eight, why does it makesense that I'm feeling this way?
What makes it make sense?
Number nine, what legitimateneed is underneath this feeling?
And think specifically ofattachment needs.
(33:55):
The need to feel seen, soothed,safe, secure, the need for
connection, protection.
Emotional, relational needs.
And number 10, how can I meetthat underlying need?
(34:17):
You don't need to be able toanswer every question.
Even just answering two or threewill help you respond rather
than react.
I love these questions.
I'm a little biased.
The assumption behind thesebefriending questions is that
emotions are not bad.
(34:39):
Sexual thoughts and feelings arenot problems to be solved.
They have their ownpersonalities.
We can make friends with them.
They can become gifts when wereally get to know them.
If you want to learn more aboutthat, read outgrow porn.
(34:59):
Okay, we have now tried fivedifferent grinding techniques:
deep breathing, power breathing,observing our five senses,
observing our feelings, andasking the ten befriending
questions.
(35:20):
Now, the sixth technique and therest of them are more
open-ended.
And we've already started to usethis next one a little bit in
one of the befriendingquestions.
It can be very grounding to useyour imagination.
Our imaginations are sopowerful.
(35:42):
And that's why porn appeals tous so strongly because it
captures the emotional,creative, passionate side of our
brains, our right brains.
We can actually use ourimagination and reclaim it for
the purpose of recovery.
(36:03):
What does that look like?
You can use your imagination toengage with Jesus, your inner
child, your parts, and simplyallow an interaction to unfold
naturally.
This is something that we oftendo in HMA at Fantasy Friday
(36:28):
every week.
It's so powerful.
It's something that I witnesswith my clients regularly
through brain spotting, IFS,through healing prayer.
So there are so many differentways that this can look.
For now, I'm going to invite youto choose whether to engage with
(36:53):
Jesus if you have a positiveview of who he is, or your inner
child, if you have a positiverelationship with your inner
child, or perhaps with one ofthe emotions or feelings that
you mentioned before, if youfeel like you're able to do
that.
And take a moment to visualizeJesus or your inner child or one
(37:19):
of your parts, and simply noticewhat happens.
Think of it like watching amovie.
A scene comes into your mind.
You're not trying to force it,you're just flowing with it and
watching your processingwherever it goes.
(37:57):
See what happens.
Dave says, I'm imagining myinner child and telling him
about all the tools that he willone day learn.
And for the first time, he isfeeling hopeful.
That's so cool.
Chris says, the IFS work usingmy imagination has been a great
tool in my healing journey.
(38:17):
What I heard Jesus say to myinner child made a powerful
difference.
Awesome.
The imagination bridges the gapbetween your head and your
heart.
If you, for example, if you knowintellectually that God loves
you, or that a certain activityis harmful, but in your heart
(38:42):
you feel unloved, or you feelthe need for that harmful
activity.
Your imagination can bring thesetwo parts of you into alignment.
Imagination is often the bridgebetween how we think and how we
feel because it includes both.
(39:08):
Bill says, I saw Jesus and Isitting by a campfire, and he
asked me to ask him anyquestions I have about anything
and to not hold back.
Beautiful.
Isn't that what so many of ushave needed in the area of
sexuality?
Justin says, Drew, in yourexperience, is there a form of
imagination that is more helpfulthan another?
(39:33):
I mean, everyone's different.
Some people experienceaphantasia, where they literally
can't consciously engage mentalimagery.
They just don't get images.
They'll get sounds, bodysensations, smells, but no
(39:56):
shapes in their mind.
Personally, I find a lot ofpower in brain spotting.
You got to find what works foryou.
The emmanual approach is areally wonderful way of engaging
Jesus with your imagination.
Part of the reason whyimagination is so helpful is
(40:18):
because it's creative, it putsyou in the posture of creating
rather than consuming.
It's literally just taking inthe pixels, the motion, the
(40:39):
movement.
Whereas when you read a book,your imagination co-creates the
story with the words on thepage.
Audiobooks are similar.
Because you can't see what'shappening in a story physically,
you have to see it with yourimagination.
(41:00):
And this is one reason why Ithink reading a book can be more
regulating at times thanwatching a movie.
And yet, for some people, itmight feel inaccessible and it
might feel like too much work inthe moment.
It is easier to watch a moviebecause you're consuming rather
(41:21):
than co-creating.
Here is one of the best, mostbeautiful grounding techniques I
have ever found.
The seventh one I want to teachyou is simply to make something.
To make something of what you'refeeling.
(41:43):
Write.
Journal.
Draw.
There was one night when I feltso sexually tempted that I
thought, I have two choicesright now.
What I'm feeling is so intense.
I'm either going to go and numbout and allow that dysregulation
(42:05):
to totally drive the rest of thenight for me, or I'm going to
express what I'm intenselyfeeling through writing a song.
And I wrote a gritty, raw,brutally honest song that became
an anthem for Husband Materialcalled The Lord Will Fight for
(42:27):
You.
Creating that song, writing thatsong was so regulating for me.
It was like a lament.
It was taking what was happeningon the inside and putting it on
the outside.
There are so many ways to dothat.
(42:48):
I love seeing students inHusband Material Academy do
their creative capstones.
Poetry, music, dancing, carving,all kinds of different art,
people taking their internalworld and externalizing it in a
creative way.
In a moment, or even outside ofa moment of temptation, it is so
(43:13):
helpful to make something, evenif it's making food, even if
it's creating order in yourhouse by cleaning things up,
even if it's making a phonecall, even if it's making your
bed, like get your brain out ofconsumer mode and into creator
(43:34):
mode.
And that's one reason whyjournaling can be really helpful
in this process.
It takes what's happening withinyou and puts it out of you onto
a page.
So in this moment, I want toinvite you to take one of the
(43:54):
things that you've been feelinglately or thinking lately, and
take a pencil or a pen and apiece of paper and put it on
that page.
Whether that means drawing it,writing it, creating a mind map
of it, or a chart, or a table,or spreadsheet.
(44:19):
Make it.
(44:49):
And it can look different.
It can look like creativelyarranging flowers.
It can look like creativelyhorseback riding or creatively
fixing a roof.
Like find your creativity andaccess it.
(45:11):
Make time for it.
It can actually be verygrounding for you.
It can put you into a flow staterather than feeling overwhelmed
by whatever you're feelingemotionally and sexually.
So my question for you with thistechnique is what do you like to
(45:34):
create?
What is your creativity?
Let me know in the chat.
Tim says, I was so shocked atthe impact that my art therapy
picture had on me at the HMretreat.
I really wanted to dismiss thisactivity, but instead I did it
and it has really changed me.
Tim, that's so beautiful.
The art therapy workshop at therecent husband material retreat
(45:57):
was a beautiful example ofhealing through creativity.
As David Grant, the founder ofBrain Spotting, has said there
is no healing withoutcreativity, and there is no
creativity without healing.
Okay, what is your creativity?
Dave says poetry.
Clayton says music and singing.
(46:18):
Chris says line art.
Justin says doodling.
Rod says drawing, songwriting,gardening.
Joe says painting, building, meand God working and talking
together.
Sole says, I draw, write, andsing.
Bill says, I love working ontools to make tasks at work go
(46:41):
smoother through spreadsheets.
That is awesome.
Don says, playing the piano inthe dark is very therapeutic.
That's your creativity.
That is a resource for you.
That is part of what will helpyou regulate when your brain and
your body are on fire, feelinglike you have no other option
(47:04):
than to go back to the oldneuropathways of consuming
sexual content in order to feelnormal.
Creativity is so much more thana hobby, so much more than a
nice thing to do.
It is a lifeline.
And it is so life-giving whenyou actually make the space for
(47:30):
it.
Be a creator instead ofconsumer.
And number eight goes along withthat.
Move your body.
Literally.
Right now, in this moment, ifyou can move, stand up.
I'm gonna stand up here.
I'm just gonna do this.
(47:50):
I want everybody who's with me.
If you're listening to thisrecorded or if you're with me
live, wherever you are, ifpossible, stand up and move.
Just move.
Shake it out, roll it around,stretch, do whatever your body
(48:13):
wants to do in this moment.
Wake up the parts of your bodythat may have been asleep or
just existing and engage them.
You may even want to movethrough tapping.
See if you can tap the differentparts of your body, just touch
(48:36):
all over and notice yourembodiment.
Feel so much more than just thetips of your fingers or the
thoughts in your head.
Top of your head to the tips ofyour toes.
Simply move and touch and feel.
(49:01):
Porn actually takes us out ofour bodies.
It is a disembodied experiencewhere we drift off into
dissociation and we go somewhereelse, other than the present
moment, right here, right now.
Be fully alive, to be fullyenergized and present.
We have to move.
(49:21):
We have to be more than justbrains on a stick.
So everything we do at husbandmaterial retreats and healing
weekends is embodied.
We want to engage our bodiesbecause when we do so, we access
the whole sum of who we are, andwe we help the healing process
(49:47):
so much more than we could everdo by simply just talking or
thinking.
So get into your body and noticehow that affects you.
Let me know in the chat what'shappening for you as you move.
(50:14):
It's bringing joy to me rightnow.
I'm feeling joy with you guys.
Feeling kind of silly, feelingkind of playful.
Are you with me?
Are you moving?
Some of you might feelresistance toward movement.
Some of you might feel impededin your movement.
(50:35):
That's okay too.
Move in a way that feels goodfor you.
When you move, there is asimilar shift from consumer to
creator.
I would describe it as the shiftfrom passive to proactive.
The path toward a porn relapseis paved with passivity, not
(50:58):
with intentionality.
It's a passive experience ofscrolling and seeing something
and just going along with it,and very passively drifting and
sliding and slipping slowly orquickly towards something that
you don't really want, butyou're just passively moving
(51:23):
toward it.
When you move your body, you arebeing proactive instead of
passive.
There are many ways to beproactive, but that's a game
changer to say, I'm going to dosomething on purpose rather than
I'm just going to settle forwhatever seems good enough right
(51:49):
now.
Clayton says, Moving is so key.
I'm most at risk when I'm justsitting around.
Hiking and running is veryhealing for me.
For me, too, Clayton.
That's part of my creativity.
That's a huge part of mymovement.
When we move, things happen.
(52:10):
I did an episode a few monthsago called 20 Benefits of
Running or Walking that wentinto so many of the reasons why
getting outside and going for awalk or a run can be regulating,
including bilateral stimulation,experiences in nature, solitude,
community, all kinds of things.
(52:32):
But running and walking is notthe only movement.
And each of us have unique waysthat we like to move.
So find yours.
Bill says, I dissociate a lot.
This brought me out of it.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It brings you back to your body.
It brings you back home to beinggrounded.
(52:55):
And movement can be playful.
You know, play is veryregulating.
When you play, you are literallystrengthening the connection
between your parasympatheticnervous system and your
sympathetic nervous system,going back and forth between
(53:15):
states of fight or flight andconnection.
There's a competitive,aggressive nature of it that
quickly shifts into laughter andbanter, going back and forth
between action and rest, betweentrash talk and words of
affirmation.
(53:36):
Play can be very regulating andstrengthening your nervous
system.
I talked about that in anepisode about play and awe.
If you want to go back to aprevious episode and hear more
about that, move your body andbe playful.
And number nine, this is thesecond to last grounding
(53:58):
technique for today, is rememberwho you are.
This is why I end every episodeof Husband Material with the
same words.
Always remember you are God'sbeloved son, and you he is well
pleased.
What identity statements aregrounding and centering for you?
(54:20):
Type them in the chat.
Justin says, I am a son of God.
Tim says, Jesus loves me.
This I know.
Ed says, I am chosen by God.
My first few years of sexualrecovery while I was in college,
I kept a list of identitystatements of who I am in Christ
(54:41):
above my bed.
And every night I would look atthat list and remember that I am
redeemed.
I am free.
I am clean.
I am not alone.
I am born of God, and the evilone cannot touch me.
I've been given God's gracelavishly and without
restriction.
I am united to Christ.
(55:02):
I have been crucified withChrist, buried with Christ,
raised with Christ.
I have not been given a spiritof fear, but of power, love, and
self-control.
There are so many good ones.
And I will include a link tothose identity statements in the
description below.
(55:22):
Clayton says, I am loved,chosen, held, and forgiven.
Soul says, I'm a man and I'menough.
Dave says, I am fearfully andwonderfully made in the image of
God.
Therefore I lack nothing and Iam enough.
Having been carefully crafted byGod, he has equipped me with
everything I need to confidentlyand humbly fulfill his plan for
(55:43):
my life and boldly live out myfaith as a man among men.
Wow, Dave.
That's more than just anidentity statement.
That is just incredible.
So remember who you are.
And the final groundingtechnique that can be used in
conjunction with any of thedifferent tools I've laid out
(56:08):
for you so far is to co-regulatewith a trusted, safe friend.
You can do any of these thingsthat we've talked about today
with a friend.
Deep breathing, power breathing.
You can observe your fivesenses.
You can observe your emotions.
You can ask the befriendingquestions to a friend.
(56:31):
You can engage your imaginationtogether, make something
together, move your bodytogether, and remember who you
are together.
Looking into the eyes of anotherman and hearing him declare who
you truly are is absolutelypriceless.
(56:52):
These identity statements can beeven more powerful when spoken
out loud directly in the contextof a relationship where you're
truly known and seen.
So do any of these things with afriend to co-regulate because
(57:12):
biologically, co-regulationprecedes self-regulation.
We are not born with the abilityto regulate ourselves.
It's something that we learnover time, hopefully, from a
primary caregiver.
It's something that we'redesigned to learn in
(57:32):
relationships.
And when that doesn't happen,things like porn become
substitutes for human connectionand co-regulation.
So any of these activities canbe done with a friend.
And especially if you arefeeling like you just can't do
(57:57):
any of these tools.
Borrow your brother's brain whenyours isn't working.
I realize this can be a catch-22because it can be hard to make
that call.
Maybe for some of you, it feelslike a leap of faith.
Maybe it feels like a redemptiverisk to call someone or to text
(58:21):
someone or to knock on someone'sdoor and say, hey, not okay.
I need help.
And that's exactly what we needto do sometimes.
I actually am going to do thatlater tonight.
I've been obsessing aboutsomething lately that I don't
(58:44):
want to keep to myself.
So I've texted a friend and I'mgoing to call him as soon as I
can.
Because co-regulation is notsomething we graduate from or
outgrow.
Guys, it's the core of how wewere designed to live in
(59:06):
community and connection.
And all these tools are great,but they're way better when
you're with someone.
Tim says hearing my friendsspeak truth over me and affirm
my identity and agree with me inmy confession is cleansing,
uplifting, and shame-breaking.
SPEAKER_01 (59:26):
Amen.
SPEAKER_02 (59:28):
Keith says, this husband material community has
been great for co-regulating.
I love that.
It's a resource.
You have tools in your toolbox.
You have options when it feelslike the only option is to go
back to an old behavior or apacifier that doesn't serve you
(59:48):
anymore.
You have a way out.
In fact, there are many waysout.
And while it's oftentimesdifficult to want To use these
tools.
When you know which ones areeasiest and most effective,
(01:00:10):
outgrowing porn doesn't have tofeel like a battle.
It can feel like a blessing.
So my last question to youtonight is this Which one of
these grounding techniques willyou try next?
Which one felt most helpful andmost valuable?
(01:00:35):
Ed says 54321.
Scott says, power breathing.
Let's go.
Justin says, I need to getcreative.
You are creative.
Let it happen.
Joe says, befriending questions.
Keith says, three of them.
Clayton says, I will tryreaching out to a friend.
(01:00:55):
That's brave.
One member of the husbandmaterial community asked, would
it be beneficial to practicegrounding techniques before we
are aware that we need them?
Yes, absolutely.
When you do some of thesetechniques, while you are
regulated and while you arefeeling generally good, you
(01:01:17):
create those neuropathways sothat they already exist and your
brain already feels somewhatcomfortable with them.
So that when you need them, itis so much easier to take that
neuropathway.
Think about it like creating atrail.
If that trail hasn't been usedin a while, maybe there are
(01:01:41):
branches lying across it,boulders in the way.
You think, oh, I'm gonna takethat trail.
But then it's it's hard.
It has a lot of resistance.
Whereas if you are taking thattrail every day by the time you
need it, it'll be there.
It'll be clear.
It'll be ready for you.
That's what happens in ourbrains.
It's called neuroplasticity.
(01:02:03):
So, yes, it is so beneficial.
And I think it's actuallyessential for us to practice
doing some of these thingsbefore we need them, so that in
the moment, we're much morelikely to actually choose it
because there's less resistance.
There was another question abouthow to ground yourself while
you're in public or busysettings.
(01:02:26):
Many of these techniques can bedone in public or even in just a
few seconds.
For example, observing your fivesenses.
That's something you can doanytime, anywhere.
I think deepening your breathingis relatively inconspicuous.
Power breathing would definitelyturn some heads and probably not
(01:02:47):
be a great idea in public.
So maybe wait till you're alonefor that one.
But moving your body,remembering who you are, these
are things that don't requireyou to be in private or even to
have a minute.
You can do some of these thingsin five to ten seconds, you
know?
(01:03:08):
I am chosen, I am loved, I'mredeemed.
Justin says, are there greatways to make these techniques
part of our daily routines?
Yes.
Absolutely.
Make it part of your morningritual to breathe.
Maybe to do a feeling wheel or acore emotion wheel, to remember
(01:03:29):
who you are.
Repeat some of those identitystatements out loud.
To move your body, exercise, getoutside.
All of those can really set thetone for the rest of the day.
And I have found that mornings,for me, tend to be the most
effective times to do some ofthese things.
(01:03:50):
Partially because byestablishing more regulation in
the morning, I get to draw onthat for the rest of the day.
Like when I go for a run firstthing in the morning, it affects
my energy and how I feel in theafternoon, in the evening.
(01:04:12):
It helps me go to sleep atnight.
So we can set ourselves up forregulation by starting with it
first thing in the morning.
That's actually a pretty goodidea.
I've never thought of thatbefore.
But yeah, you can front loadsome of these practices at the
start of the day.
And I think that has benefitsfor when you get triggered and
(01:04:35):
tempted later on.
Neuroplasticity is amazing.
Your brain can change.
Your heart can heal.
Your relationships can berestored.
And I hope these 10 ways toregulate without porn give you
the menu that you need.
Not just when you're triggeredor tempted, but throughout the
(01:04:56):
week.
So that when the time comes foryou to put them into practice,
you're ready.
Thank you for taking thisadventure with me and trying out
many of the techniques.
I would love to hear yourfeedback on this episode in the
husband material community.
And let me know if you want meto make that album of different
(01:05:19):
audio tracks that you couldlisten to as a way to regulate.
I love you guys so much.
Thank you for taking theredemptive risk to stay with me
this whole time.
And I want to hear from you guyswhen you use one of these tools
and you notice how it affectsyou.
(01:05:41):
Come into the husband materialcommunity.
Let us know.
Let's celebrate our wins.
Let's lift each other up.
And always remember you areGod's beloved son, and you, he
is well pleased.
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart, and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa, and I'mhere to show you how.
Let's go.
SPEAKER_02 (00:19):
Today we are talking about 10 ways to regulate
without porn.
And these 10 strategies I'mgoing to teach are technically
called grounding techniques tohelp you stay grounded or get
re-grounded when you'reungrounded.
Now, when I was a kid, beinggrounded was a bad thing.
(00:41):
It was a punishment that meant Ican't go outside, I can't play
with my friends.
I'm grounded.
I'm punished.
As an adult, I've learned thatbeing grounded can actually be a
really good thing.
In fact, in many ways, it's thegoal of recovery.
When you are feeling sexuallytempted or triggered, you want
(01:04):
to bring your brain and bodyback into balance without porn
or other unwanted sexualbehaviors.
Being grounded allows you tofeel safe, centered, and stable,
even without the sexualstimulation that you've
historically used toself-regulate.
(01:26):
Being grounded is an image ofhaving your feet planted firmly
on the ground, anchored andsecure, connected to your heart,
connected to your body,connected to God, maybe
connected to your brothers andtrusted friends who are with you
on this journey.
Ultimately, being grounded meansbeing at home in who you truly
(01:52):
are.
When I was a kid, being groundedmeant I have to stay home.
I'm trapped.
As an adult, being groundedmeans I get to come home instead
of wandering and drifting offinto the world of digital
distractions and sexualfantasies.
This is about coming home.
(02:14):
So my question for everyone herelive is this how do you know
when you are grounded?
How does it feel to be grounded?
Justin says, not anxious.
Dave says, peaceful, calm,relaxed.
My body is not tight.
(02:35):
That is a great clue that you'rebeing dysregulated when you have
a tightening in your stomach orin your throat, when you can't
think straight, when it feelslike feelings are taking over,
or when you feel nothing at all,when you go numb, when you start
shutting down.
These are clues that you are notgrounded.
(02:59):
These are clues that you'reoutside your window of
tolerance, as the traumaresearchers have called it.
Each of us has a window oftolerance, a range of sensations
and feelings that we feel likewe can handle, where I can think
and feel at the same time whenI'm in my window of tolerance.
When I'm in my window oftolerance, I can be the mature,
(03:23):
healthy, adult Drew.
When you're outside your windowof tolerance, it's like your
Wi-Fi range to love and peaceand joy is really small.
It's like being too far awayfrom the internet connection.
Can you kind of make it work?
Maybe sometimes, but it's way,way easier to come back to a
(03:47):
strong connection before you tryto do something.
Keith says, When I'm grounded, Idon't want to act out.
Exactly.
That's why this episode mattersso much.
When you're grounded, you canwelcome whatever's happening
within you instead of warringagainst it.
That doesn't mean you dowhatever your feelings want.
(04:09):
It just means you have space forit all.
It means you have capacity.
Bill says, when I'm grounded,I'm able to function.
Tim says, when I feel God'spresence.
How beautiful.
Yeah.
For many of us, being groundedis the sense of being with
(04:30):
Jesus, being connected to Christin me, being filled with the
Holy Spirit, having access tolove, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness,faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control.
We want more of that becausethat is what leads to lasting
(04:51):
freedom from porn.
That's what helps us come backto ourselves when we're
wandering or drifting orteetering on the edge of
temptation.
So this is at once a spiritualpractice of grounding ourselves,
and it's a scientific techniqueof helping your brain and body
(05:13):
regulate.
Justin says, I'm breathingnormally without thinking about
breathing.
We will talk about breathinglater.
Dave says, when I'm grounded, Inotice the beauty in God's
creation around me.
That's awesome.
When you're grounded, you canexperience things like awe and
gratitude and wonder rather thanbeing self-absorbed in my own
(05:40):
little world.
Fred says, when I'm grounded, Ican focus.
Chris says, I'm not overwhelmed.
Brandon says, for me, beinggrounded looks like finding
peace in the midst of the chaos.
I am safe.
Awesome.
This is so good.
This is so good.
(06:00):
So being grounded is a physicalstate, and it's also a skill you
can practice.
It's more than just an attitude.
It's an action.
And today you are going to learn10 grounding techniques that can
(06:23):
help you get to that place ofbeing stable, centered, and
safe, connected, curious,compassionate, courageous, all
these good words, there are somevery clear, powerful paths to
get to that place withoutresorting to unwanted behavior.
(06:47):
And you are going to learn thesetools.
Now, I admit, if the only thingwe needed to outgrow porn and
achieve lasting freedom fromunwanted sexual behavior was
more tools, then many of uswould be free from porn by now.
If all we needed was more tools,we might not even need this
(07:10):
ministry.
So why are we talking abouttools?
If you can have all the tools inthe world and still not really
want to use them, well, it helpstremendously in a moment of
being triggered or being temptedto have multiple options.
(07:31):
If I think that my only optionwhen I'm tempted is to sexually
act out or to do some kind ofrecovery practice that doesn't
really resonate with me, I'mmuch more likely to choose to
sexually act out than if I feltlike I had a menu of lots of
(07:52):
different ways that I canregulate without porn or without
fantasy and masturbation.
So think of tonight as a menu.
It's designed to give youoptions.
Now, this doesn't actuallychange whether or not you want
to use the options or you wantto prevent relapse, but it can
make it so much easier than ifyou felt like, gosh, there's
(08:18):
there's only one way that I canget away from temptation and I
really don't want to do that onething.
I hope that out of the 10 toolsyou learned tonight, that maybe
one or two will stand out toyou.
It's okay if not every singleone resonates with you or not
every single one works for you.
(08:39):
You are a bio individual.
We are all so unique.
Each of our brains is socomplex.
So I invite you to considerwhich of these 10 tools might be
appealing and attractive to youwhen porn or other unwanted
(09:03):
sexual behavior is pulling onyour heart.
Because if you want to use atool, you are much more likely
to actually practice it.
If you enjoy one of these toolsmore than the others, prioritize
that one.
Go with that one.
Maybe you want to combinemultiple tools.
(09:25):
This episode may not change howmuch you want to prevent
relapse, but when you genuinelyfeel like I have no way out to
handle what I'm feeling otherthan to go back to porn, this
episode will give you options.
Here we go.
I am going to personally leadyou through these 10 grounding
(09:45):
techniques.
I once had a husband materialleader tell me that he thought I
should create an album of menarrating different grounding
techniques so that you couldturn on one of the tracks when
you're feeling tempted and hearmy voice in your ears guiding
(10:09):
you through one of thesetechniques.
This episode is a start towardcreating that, where I'm
literally going to guide youthrough each technique as if I'm
right here with you in the roomand we're doing this together.
Maybe one day I'll create thatalbum.
And if enough people let me knowthey want that, I'll do it.
(10:32):
I have no idea how it wouldwork, but we're going to start
with this podcast episode.
Let's begin.
The first grounding techniquethat I want to guide you into
today is deep breathing.
(11:01):
In this moment, notice you'rebreathing.
Is it shallow or deep?
Is it fast or slow?
Sometimes we may be barelybreathing at all and not even
(11:23):
realize it.
Especially when we are triggeredor tempted, when we are outside
of our window of tolerance, ourbreathing changes, becomes quick
and shallow, or it flatlines.
And the amount of oxygen flowingto our brain is way lower than
(11:50):
it needs to be for us to makedecisions that we can be proud
of.
So in this moment, withoutjudgment, simply notice you're
breathing.
Breathing is your superpower forself-regulation.
(12:12):
Both spiritually andscientifically, it is the
quickest, most efficient, andpowerful way to alter the state
of your brain and body,especially when you're
dysregulated and you feel theurge to watch porn.
(12:34):
Deep breathing, also known asbelly breathing, involves
lowering the place where yourbreath is moving in and out.
Also known as diaphragmaticbreathing.
Your diaphragm is a point rightaround the center of your chest.
(12:58):
Below your diaphragm is yourbelly.
And you know that you'rebreathing deeply from your belly
when your belly is moving in andout.
Not your upper chest where yourrib cage is, but below your rib
cage.
Right around the belly button.
(13:20):
See if you can take some deepbreaths that move your belly in
and out very slowly.
(13:46):
As you deepen your breathing,notice if anything shifts within
you.
What changes when you deepenyour breathing and slow down?
(14:07):
Let me know in the chat.
Dave says, shoulders arerelaxing.
Clayton says everything slowsdown.
My breathing, my body, my mind.
Bill says, tightness leaves mymuscles.
Ed says energy is dispersing.
(14:27):
Chris says, overall calmness.
Justin says, I'm more aware ofwhat's happening around me.
Scott says, I am aware of how Iphysically feel.
It sounds like breathing isskyrocketing self-awareness for
many of you.
Notice that.
There's one approach to deepbreathing that has been widely
(14:51):
taught and popularized calledbox breathing, where you breathe
in for a count of four, hold itfor a count of four, breathe out
for a count of four, and hold itfor a count of four.
And this four-sided box ofbreathing in, holding it,
(15:14):
breathing out, holding itcreates a box.
Let's try it out.
SPEAKER_01 (15:22):
Breathe in.
One, two, two, three, four.
Hold it.
Two, three, two, four.
Breathe out.
Two, three, four, hold it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Breathe in.
(15:42):
Two.
Three.
Four.
Hold it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Breathe out.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Hold it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
SPEAKER_02 (16:01):
That's box breathing.
Try it out.
Keith says, breathing relaxesme.
It allows me to step out ofmyself.
Beautiful.
Choose whichever type of breathwork works well for you.
The main thing is simply to justbecome aware of our breath and
allow it to be what it is.
(16:22):
Then you can try some of thesetechniques to literally shape
the state of your nervoussystem.
It's incredible.
Deep, slow breathing is whatmost of us think of when we
consider taking a few deepbreaths to ground ourselves.
(16:44):
The second grounding technique Iwant to teach you is really the
exact opposite.
Power breathing, taking quick,full breaths rather than slow,
deep breaths.
And you have to be careful withthis, especially if you have
(17:04):
some kind of respiratorycondition, or if you start to
feel lightheaded or out ofbreath, do not continue this
exercise.
Power breathing is intense.
And if you have any medicalconcerns, definitely consult
your doctor before tryingsomething that will be pushing
(17:25):
you to your edge of what you'recomfortable with.
I discovered power breathing byparticipating in a research
study by Dr.
Joseph Nicolosi Jr.
on sexually arousing memories,where he had me literally think
(17:47):
of a sexual experience I had hadin the past that was very
arousing for me, and hold thatin my mind while doing power
breathing, specifically the WimHof method.
And in eight minutes, the levelof arousal that I felt on those
(18:09):
specific YouTube videos that Ihad watched went way down.
And then he followed up twoweeks later and a month later,
and the level of arousal wasstill way down.
It was remarkable.
And I look forward to havingJoseph back on the podcast to
talk about his research and hisfindings.
(18:29):
Many of the men in our communityparticipated in the research as
well.
And I was just blown away by howquickly and effectively this
technique seemed to sap thepower out of some of these
specific memories.
Now, I don't think this is somekind of cure for unwanted sexual
(18:53):
attraction.
Not at all.
This is not designed to removeor replace your sexual arousal
template.
Rather, it can help to reprocessspecific sexually arousing
memories so that those thoughtsand feelings start to lose their
(19:14):
power.
It's incredible.
Again, not every tool is goingto resonate with everybody.
So just be curious about whetheror not this might be helpful for
you.
We're going to try it out.
And I still don't fullyunderstand how it works, but I
have noticed that the rhythm ofpower breathing mimics the speed
(19:40):
and force of breathing during anorgasm.
And the way I think about it isit's almost as if I tricked my
brain into thinking that it hadalready had an orgasm simply by
power breathing.
But essentially, what we'redoing is consciously controlling
(20:01):
our nervous system byintentionally activating
ourselves through breath workand then allowing that physical
state to naturally drop downinto calm, peaceful, gentle
energy afterwards.
Now you can look up the Wim Hofmethod if you want to do power
(20:25):
breathing in a more renowned,refined way.
We're going to do it in reps of10 quick full breaths, followed
by 20 seconds of rest.
Don't think about any specificimagery.
(20:46):
Just try this out and notice howit affects you.
Please don't hyperventilate ifyou start to feel lightheaded or
uncomfortable.
Pause the exercise.
You don't need to continue.
SPEAKER_01 (20:59):
Here we go.
SPEAKER_02 (21:21):
Just allow your body to settle.
Stay calm.
Three, two.
(21:54):
Now rest.
Twenty seconds to just be.
If you feel like you're done,you can be done.
If you want to do one moreround, we will get started in
five, four, three, two, three,one.
SPEAKER_01 (22:32):
Okay.
We're all done.
SPEAKER_02 (22:47):
Just notice how that is affecting you.
I personally did it by breathingin through my nose and then
breathing out through my mouth,but you could also breathe in
through your mouth and outthrough your mouth as well.
Either way is fine.
Did you feel how it brought youup and activated you and then
(23:08):
brought you back down?
It's powerful.
Breathing has this incredibleability to wake us up and calm
us down at the same time.
So when you feel dead and dulland numb and you're just looking
for something to make you feelalive again, like porn,
(23:29):
breathing can do it so muchbetter.
And when you feel anxious andstressed and agitated or angry,
and you need something to takeyour mind off of it and take the
edge off of it, like porn,breathing can also do it so much
better.
(23:49):
Fred says, I feel relaxedafterward.
Tim says it made me feel morerelaxed for sure.
Bill says, deeper feeling ofrelaxation after the breaths.
Justin says it feels like thecalming part is really important
to help us regulate into agrounded state.
Exactly.
If you just did thiscontinually, well, you wouldn't
be able to do it continually,but you know, you could hurt
(24:12):
yourself.
Brandon said, I felt energyrushing to my head and felt
relief.
Chris said, I felt a lightness,almost a euphoric state.
Crazy.
SPEAKER_03 (24:23):
Hmm.
SPEAKER_02 (24:24):
Yeah, I think it's going to affect each of us
differently.
The goal of doing this is togive you more options.
So now when you think, okay, I'mtriggered, I'm tempted, I gotta
breathe.
Consider whether you might wantto do deep breathing or power
breathing.
And I'll put some links in theshow notes, including the Wim
(24:47):
Hof method for those who want toexplore this further.
Now, breathing is the first stepof BOA BOA, a tool that you
learn in Husband MaterialAcademy and in my new book,
Outgrow Porn, if you're readingthat.
The second step of BOA, the Ostands for observe, and that
(25:11):
will be the focus of the thirdgrounding technique.
There are two types ofobservation.
I want to teach you externalobservation and internal
observation.
For external observation, youare observing your five senses.
What you see, hear, touch,smell, and taste.
(25:32):
This can be very grounding.
A popular technique getting youin touch with your five senses
is called 54321, where younotice five things you can see,
four things you can touch, threethings you can hear, two things
you can smell, and one thing youcan taste or remember tasting.
(25:57):
Let's try it out.
Starting with five things youcan see.
You might say, I see my computerin front of me, or you might
say, the computer is in front ofme.
Either format works.
See what you see.
Notice what you notice.
You might notice the color ofsomething, the shape of
(26:21):
something, how far away or closesomething is.
Now four things you can touch.
Perhaps your clothes on yourbody, perhaps an object close to
you.
SPEAKER_01 (26:41):
I feel my socks on my feet.
Or I'm wearing a cotton shirt.
SPEAKER_02 (26:50):
Then three things you can hear.
Even if it's the hum of a fan ornothing at all.
Notice if you hear your ownbreathing.
Then two things you can smell.
I actually have no sense ofsmell.
(27:10):
You may also notice somethingyou remember smelling.
And then finally, one thing youcan taste or remember tasting.
Maybe something that tastedreally good.
Bring that into your mind.
And I would love to hear in thechat what food you enjoy that
(27:34):
you remember tasting.
Ice cream, pumpkin pie, driedcranberries, an Oreo blizzard,
strawberries, hot crispy creamdonut coffee.
So notice how this simpleexercise affected you.
(27:56):
This type of practice of sensoryawareness is sometimes referred
to as mindfulness.
And it's becoming more and morepopular for a very good reason.
It works.
Mindfulness-based stressreduction, mindfulness-based
(28:18):
relapse prevention is so great.
It's been around for a longtime.
More and more research isvalidating the power of
mindfulness, especially foranxiety.
And here's what I find in mypersonal life and in my work
with clients.
(28:38):
Any grounding technique thathelps you regulate anxiety can
also help you regulate sexualarousal.
The 54321 technique, other typesof mindfulness, these tools are
designed to allow you to be withwhatever's going on for you
(29:02):
sexually, rather than to just bearoused to be with the arousal,
rather than just to be lonely,to be with the loneliness.
It's a big difference.
Observing our five senses isexternal.
The next grounding technique wewill try out is observing our
(29:28):
internal world, our thoughts,our feelings.
And there are some awesome toolsfor this, including the feeling
wheel or the core emotion wheeldeveloped by Dr.
Glenn and Phyllis Hill.
They talked about that recentlyon the podcast.
(29:49):
Jonathan Hernandez also talkedabout the core emotion wheel.
In that wheel, the core emotionsare joy, anger, shame.
Guilt, fear, lonely, sad, andhurt.
Notice any of those feelingsright now.
(30:10):
And you might use the simpleformula saying, I feel blank.
About blank.
You might also use partslanguage saying part of me feels
a certain way, and part of mefeels another way.
Most of us suffer from somedegree of alexithymia, which is
(30:33):
a fancy way of saying, I don'tknow how I feel.
There's a great app called HowWe Feel.
You can get it at how wefeel.org.
And it has a wonderful program.
It's free.
It can help you identifyemotions, process emotions.
It has this great journalingassistant to ask you good
(30:57):
questions.
And it can teach you moregrounding techniques than you're
learning tonight.
So I would strongly recommendthe How We Feel app.
And if you want to go deeperinto a specific thought or
feeling, I want to teach youanother tool from my new book,
Outgrow Porn, called the 10Befriending Questions.
(31:18):
It's at the end of chapter two.
These questions are so helpful.
They're often the questions thattherapists will ask during EMDR
or brain spotting or IFS, butyou can ask them to yourself.
You don't need to have some kindof degree or license to ask good
(31:40):
questions.
They're called befriendingquestions because they allow you
to befriend your brain ratherthan battle your brain.
Once you have identified afeeling, here are 10 befriending
questions you can ask to get toknow that feeling and find out
(32:00):
what's underneath it so that youcan connect with this part of
you rather than fight anexhausting battle against this
part of you.
Whether it's an emotion or asexual thought or feeling, here
are the 10 befriendingquestions.
Number one, how am I feeling?
(32:24):
Number two, where do I feel thisin my body?
Number three, on a scale of oneto ten, how strong is this
feeling?
Number four, this one is myfavorite.
If this feeling could talk, whatwould it say?
(32:48):
Number five.
If so, what does it look like?
For example, it might look likea little boy or an animal or a
color or a character.
It might look like a characterfrom the movie Inside Out.
(33:12):
In any case, see if you canpicture this feeling.
Number six, what does thisfeeling want me to do?
Number seven, where might thisfeeling be coming from?
Earlier in the day, earlier inthe week, maybe even earlier in
(33:34):
adulthood or earlier inchildhood.
Number eight, why does it makesense that I'm feeling this way?
What makes it make sense?
Number nine, what legitimateneed is underneath this feeling?
And think specifically ofattachment needs.
(33:55):
The need to feel seen, soothed,safe, secure, the need for
connection, protection.
Emotional, relational needs.
And number 10, how can I meetthat underlying need?
(34:17):
You don't need to be able toanswer every question.
Even just answering two or threewill help you respond rather
than react.
I love these questions.
I'm a little biased.
The assumption behind thesebefriending questions is that
emotions are not bad.
(34:39):
Sexual thoughts and feelings arenot problems to be solved.
They have their ownpersonalities.
We can make friends with them.
They can become gifts when wereally get to know them.
If you want to learn more aboutthat, read outgrow porn.
(34:59):
Okay, we have now tried fivedifferent grinding techniques:
deep breathing, power breathing,observing our five senses,
observing our feelings, andasking the ten befriending
questions.
(35:20):
Now, the sixth technique and therest of them are more
open-ended.
And we've already started to usethis next one a little bit in
one of the befriendingquestions.
It can be very grounding to useyour imagination.
Our imaginations are sopowerful.
(35:42):
And that's why porn appeals tous so strongly because it
captures the emotional,creative, passionate side of our
brains, our right brains.
We can actually use ourimagination and reclaim it for
the purpose of recovery.
(36:03):
What does that look like?
You can use your imagination toengage with Jesus, your inner
child, your parts, and simplyallow an interaction to unfold
naturally.
This is something that we oftendo in HMA at Fantasy Friday
(36:28):
every week.
It's so powerful.
It's something that I witnesswith my clients regularly
through brain spotting, IFS,through healing prayer.
So there are so many differentways that this can look.
For now, I'm going to invite youto choose whether to engage with
(36:53):
Jesus if you have a positiveview of who he is, or your inner
child, if you have a positiverelationship with your inner
child, or perhaps with one ofthe emotions or feelings that
you mentioned before, if youfeel like you're able to do
that.
And take a moment to visualizeJesus or your inner child or one
(37:19):
of your parts, and simply noticewhat happens.
Think of it like watching amovie.
A scene comes into your mind.
You're not trying to force it,you're just flowing with it and
watching your processingwherever it goes.
(37:57):
See what happens.
Dave says, I'm imagining myinner child and telling him
about all the tools that he willone day learn.
And for the first time, he isfeeling hopeful.
That's so cool.
Chris says, the IFS work usingmy imagination has been a great
tool in my healing journey.
(38:17):
What I heard Jesus say to myinner child made a powerful
difference.
Awesome.
The imagination bridges the gapbetween your head and your
heart.
If you, for example, if you knowintellectually that God loves
you, or that a certain activityis harmful, but in your heart
(38:42):
you feel unloved, or you feelthe need for that harmful
activity.
Your imagination can bring thesetwo parts of you into alignment.
Imagination is often the bridgebetween how we think and how we
feel because it includes both.
(39:08):
Bill says, I saw Jesus and Isitting by a campfire, and he
asked me to ask him anyquestions I have about anything
and to not hold back.
Beautiful.
Isn't that what so many of ushave needed in the area of
sexuality?
Justin says, Drew, in yourexperience, is there a form of
imagination that is more helpfulthan another?
(39:33):
I mean, everyone's different.
Some people experienceaphantasia, where they literally
can't consciously engage mentalimagery.
They just don't get images.
They'll get sounds, bodysensations, smells, but no
(39:56):
shapes in their mind.
Personally, I find a lot ofpower in brain spotting.
You got to find what works foryou.
The emmanual approach is areally wonderful way of engaging
Jesus with your imagination.
Part of the reason whyimagination is so helpful is
(40:18):
because it's creative, it putsyou in the posture of creating
rather than consuming.
It's literally just taking inthe pixels, the motion, the
(40:39):
movement.
Whereas when you read a book,your imagination co-creates the
story with the words on thepage.
Audiobooks are similar.
Because you can't see what'shappening in a story physically,
you have to see it with yourimagination.
(41:00):
And this is one reason why Ithink reading a book can be more
regulating at times thanwatching a movie.
And yet, for some people, itmight feel inaccessible and it
might feel like too much work inthe moment.
It is easier to watch a moviebecause you're consuming rather
(41:21):
than co-creating.
Here is one of the best, mostbeautiful grounding techniques I
have ever found.
The seventh one I want to teachyou is simply to make something.
To make something of what you'refeeling.
(41:43):
Write.
Journal.
Draw.
There was one night when I feltso sexually tempted that I
thought, I have two choicesright now.
What I'm feeling is so intense.
I'm either going to go and numbout and allow that dysregulation
(42:05):
to totally drive the rest of thenight for me, or I'm going to
express what I'm intenselyfeeling through writing a song.
And I wrote a gritty, raw,brutally honest song that became
an anthem for Husband Materialcalled The Lord Will Fight for
(42:27):
You.
Creating that song, writing thatsong was so regulating for me.
It was like a lament.
It was taking what was happeningon the inside and putting it on
the outside.
There are so many ways to dothat.
(42:48):
I love seeing students inHusband Material Academy do
their creative capstones.
Poetry, music, dancing, carving,all kinds of different art,
people taking their internalworld and externalizing it in a
creative way.
In a moment, or even outside ofa moment of temptation, it is so
(43:13):
helpful to make something, evenif it's making food, even if
it's creating order in yourhouse by cleaning things up,
even if it's making a phonecall, even if it's making your
bed, like get your brain out ofconsumer mode and into creator
(43:34):
mode.
And that's one reason whyjournaling can be really helpful
in this process.
It takes what's happening withinyou and puts it out of you onto
a page.
So in this moment, I want toinvite you to take one of the
(43:54):
things that you've been feelinglately or thinking lately, and
take a pencil or a pen and apiece of paper and put it on
that page.
Whether that means drawing it,writing it, creating a mind map
of it, or a chart, or a table,or spreadsheet.
(44:19):
Make it.
(44:49):
And it can look different.
It can look like creativelyarranging flowers.
It can look like creativelyhorseback riding or creatively
fixing a roof.
Like find your creativity andaccess it.
(45:11):
Make time for it.
It can actually be verygrounding for you.
It can put you into a flow staterather than feeling overwhelmed
by whatever you're feelingemotionally and sexually.
So my question for you with thistechnique is what do you like to
(45:34):
create?
What is your creativity?
Let me know in the chat.
Tim says, I was so shocked atthe impact that my art therapy
picture had on me at the HMretreat.
I really wanted to dismiss thisactivity, but instead I did it
and it has really changed me.
Tim, that's so beautiful.
The art therapy workshop at therecent husband material retreat
(45:57):
was a beautiful example ofhealing through creativity.
As David Grant, the founder ofBrain Spotting, has said there
is no healing withoutcreativity, and there is no
creativity without healing.
Okay, what is your creativity?
Dave says poetry.
Clayton says music and singing.
(46:18):
Chris says line art.
Justin says doodling.
Rod says drawing, songwriting,gardening.
Joe says painting, building, meand God working and talking
together.
Sole says, I draw, write, andsing.
Bill says, I love working ontools to make tasks at work go
(46:41):
smoother through spreadsheets.
That is awesome.
Don says, playing the piano inthe dark is very therapeutic.
That's your creativity.
That is a resource for you.
That is part of what will helpyou regulate when your brain and
your body are on fire, feelinglike you have no other option
(47:04):
than to go back to the oldneuropathways of consuming
sexual content in order to feelnormal.
Creativity is so much more thana hobby, so much more than a
nice thing to do.
It is a lifeline.
And it is so life-giving whenyou actually make the space for
(47:30):
it.
Be a creator instead ofconsumer.
And number eight goes along withthat.
Move your body.
Literally.
Right now, in this moment, ifyou can move, stand up.
I'm gonna stand up here.
I'm just gonna do this.
(47:50):
I want everybody who's with me.
If you're listening to thisrecorded or if you're with me
live, wherever you are, ifpossible, stand up and move.
Just move.
Shake it out, roll it around,stretch, do whatever your body
(48:13):
wants to do in this moment.
Wake up the parts of your bodythat may have been asleep or
just existing and engage them.
You may even want to movethrough tapping.
See if you can tap the differentparts of your body, just touch
(48:36):
all over and notice yourembodiment.
Feel so much more than just thetips of your fingers or the
thoughts in your head.
Top of your head to the tips ofyour toes.
Simply move and touch and feel.
(49:01):
Porn actually takes us out ofour bodies.
It is a disembodied experiencewhere we drift off into
dissociation and we go somewhereelse, other than the present
moment, right here, right now.
Be fully alive, to be fullyenergized and present.
We have to move.
(49:21):
We have to be more than justbrains on a stick.
So everything we do at husbandmaterial retreats and healing
weekends is embodied.
We want to engage our bodiesbecause when we do so, we access
the whole sum of who we are, andwe we help the healing process
(49:47):
so much more than we could everdo by simply just talking or
thinking.
So get into your body and noticehow that affects you.
Let me know in the chat what'shappening for you as you move.
(50:14):
It's bringing joy to me rightnow.
I'm feeling joy with you guys.
Feeling kind of silly, feelingkind of playful.
Are you with me?
Are you moving?
Some of you might feelresistance toward movement.
Some of you might feel impededin your movement.
(50:35):
That's okay too.
Move in a way that feels goodfor you.
When you move, there is asimilar shift from consumer to
creator.
I would describe it as the shiftfrom passive to proactive.
The path toward a porn relapseis paved with passivity, not
(50:58):
with intentionality.
It's a passive experience ofscrolling and seeing something
and just going along with it,and very passively drifting and
sliding and slipping slowly orquickly towards something that
you don't really want, butyou're just passively moving
(51:23):
toward it.
When you move your body, you arebeing proactive instead of
passive.
There are many ways to beproactive, but that's a game
changer to say, I'm going to dosomething on purpose rather than
I'm just going to settle forwhatever seems good enough right
(51:49):
now.
Clayton says, Moving is so key.
I'm most at risk when I'm justsitting around.
Hiking and running is veryhealing for me.
For me, too, Clayton.
That's part of my creativity.
That's a huge part of mymovement.
When we move, things happen.
(52:10):
I did an episode a few monthsago called 20 Benefits of
Running or Walking that wentinto so many of the reasons why
getting outside and going for awalk or a run can be regulating,
including bilateral stimulation,experiences in nature, solitude,
community, all kinds of things.
(52:32):
But running and walking is notthe only movement.
And each of us have unique waysthat we like to move.
So find yours.
Bill says, I dissociate a lot.
This brought me out of it.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It brings you back to your body.
It brings you back home to beinggrounded.
(52:55):
And movement can be playful.
You know, play is veryregulating.
When you play, you are literallystrengthening the connection
between your parasympatheticnervous system and your
sympathetic nervous system,going back and forth between
(53:15):
states of fight or flight andconnection.
There's a competitive,aggressive nature of it that
quickly shifts into laughter andbanter, going back and forth
between action and rest, betweentrash talk and words of
affirmation.
(53:36):
Play can be very regulating andstrengthening your nervous
system.
I talked about that in anepisode about play and awe.
If you want to go back to aprevious episode and hear more
about that, move your body andbe playful.
And number nine, this is thesecond to last grounding
(53:58):
technique for today, is rememberwho you are.
This is why I end every episodeof Husband Material with the
same words.
Always remember you are God'sbeloved son, and you he is well
pleased.
What identity statements aregrounding and centering for you?
(54:20):
Type them in the chat.
Justin says, I am a son of God.
Tim says, Jesus loves me.
This I know.
Ed says, I am chosen by God.
My first few years of sexualrecovery while I was in college,
I kept a list of identitystatements of who I am in Christ
(54:41):
above my bed.
And every night I would look atthat list and remember that I am
redeemed.
I am free.
I am clean.
I am not alone.
I am born of God, and the evilone cannot touch me.
I've been given God's gracelavishly and without
restriction.
I am united to Christ.
(55:02):
I have been crucified withChrist, buried with Christ,
raised with Christ.
I have not been given a spiritof fear, but of power, love, and
self-control.
There are so many good ones.
And I will include a link tothose identity statements in the
description below.
(55:22):
Clayton says, I am loved,chosen, held, and forgiven.
Soul says, I'm a man and I'menough.
Dave says, I am fearfully andwonderfully made in the image of
God.
Therefore I lack nothing and Iam enough.
Having been carefully crafted byGod, he has equipped me with
everything I need to confidentlyand humbly fulfill his plan for
(55:43):
my life and boldly live out myfaith as a man among men.
Wow, Dave.
That's more than just anidentity statement.
That is just incredible.
So remember who you are.
And the final groundingtechnique that can be used in
conjunction with any of thedifferent tools I've laid out
(56:08):
for you so far is to co-regulatewith a trusted, safe friend.
You can do any of these thingsthat we've talked about today
with a friend.
Deep breathing, power breathing.
You can observe your fivesenses.
You can observe your emotions.
You can ask the befriendingquestions to a friend.
(56:31):
You can engage your imaginationtogether, make something
together, move your bodytogether, and remember who you
are together.
Looking into the eyes of anotherman and hearing him declare who
you truly are is absolutelypriceless.
(56:52):
These identity statements can beeven more powerful when spoken
out loud directly in the contextof a relationship where you're
truly known and seen.
So do any of these things with afriend to co-regulate because
(57:12):
biologically, co-regulationprecedes self-regulation.
We are not born with the abilityto regulate ourselves.
It's something that we learnover time, hopefully, from a
primary caregiver.
It's something that we'redesigned to learn in
(57:32):
relationships.
And when that doesn't happen,things like porn become
substitutes for human connectionand co-regulation.
So any of these activities canbe done with a friend.
And especially if you arefeeling like you just can't do
(57:57):
any of these tools.
Borrow your brother's brain whenyours isn't working.
I realize this can be a catch-22because it can be hard to make
that call.
Maybe for some of you, it feelslike a leap of faith.
Maybe it feels like a redemptiverisk to call someone or to text
(58:21):
someone or to knock on someone'sdoor and say, hey, not okay.
I need help.
And that's exactly what we needto do sometimes.
I actually am going to do thatlater tonight.
I've been obsessing aboutsomething lately that I don't
(58:44):
want to keep to myself.
So I've texted a friend and I'mgoing to call him as soon as I
can.
Because co-regulation is notsomething we graduate from or
outgrow.
Guys, it's the core of how wewere designed to live in
(59:06):
community and connection.
And all these tools are great,but they're way better when
you're with someone.
Tim says hearing my friendsspeak truth over me and affirm
my identity and agree with me inmy confession is cleansing,
uplifting, and shame-breaking.
SPEAKER_01 (59:26):
Amen.
SPEAKER_02 (59:28):
Keith says, this husband material community has
been great for co-regulating.
I love that.
It's a resource.
You have tools in your toolbox.
You have options when it feelslike the only option is to go
back to an old behavior or apacifier that doesn't serve you
(59:48):
anymore.
You have a way out.
In fact, there are many waysout.
And while it's oftentimesdifficult to want To use these
tools.
When you know which ones areeasiest and most effective,
(01:00:10):
outgrowing porn doesn't have tofeel like a battle.
It can feel like a blessing.
So my last question to youtonight is this Which one of
these grounding techniques willyou try next?
Which one felt most helpful andmost valuable?
(01:00:35):
Ed says 54321.
Scott says, power breathing.
Let's go.
Justin says, I need to getcreative.
You are creative.
Let it happen.
Joe says, befriending questions.
Keith says, three of them.
Clayton says, I will tryreaching out to a friend.
(01:00:55):
That's brave.
One member of the husbandmaterial community asked, would
it be beneficial to practicegrounding techniques before we
are aware that we need them?
Yes, absolutely.
When you do some of thesetechniques, while you are
regulated and while you arefeeling generally good, you
(01:01:17):
create those neuropathways sothat they already exist and your
brain already feels somewhatcomfortable with them.
So that when you need them, itis so much easier to take that
neuropathway.
Think about it like creating atrail.
If that trail hasn't been usedin a while, maybe there are
(01:01:41):
branches lying across it,boulders in the way.
You think, oh, I'm gonna takethat trail.
But then it's it's hard.
It has a lot of resistance.
Whereas if you are taking thattrail every day by the time you
need it, it'll be there.
It'll be clear.
It'll be ready for you.
That's what happens in ourbrains.
It's called neuroplasticity.
(01:02:03):
So, yes, it is so beneficial.
And I think it's actuallyessential for us to practice
doing some of these thingsbefore we need them, so that in
the moment, we're much morelikely to actually choose it
because there's less resistance.
There was another question abouthow to ground yourself while
you're in public or busysettings.
(01:02:26):
Many of these techniques can bedone in public or even in just a
few seconds.
For example, observing your fivesenses.
That's something you can doanytime, anywhere.
I think deepening your breathingis relatively inconspicuous.
Power breathing would definitelyturn some heads and probably not
(01:02:47):
be a great idea in public.
So maybe wait till you're alonefor that one.
But moving your body,remembering who you are, these
are things that don't requireyou to be in private or even to
have a minute.
You can do some of these thingsin five to ten seconds, you
know?
(01:03:08):
I am chosen, I am loved, I'mredeemed.
Justin says, are there greatways to make these techniques
part of our daily routines?
Yes.
Absolutely.
Make it part of your morningritual to breathe.
Maybe to do a feeling wheel or acore emotion wheel, to remember
(01:03:29):
who you are.
Repeat some of those identitystatements out loud.
To move your body, exercise, getoutside.
All of those can really set thetone for the rest of the day.
And I have found that mornings,for me, tend to be the most
effective times to do some ofthese things.
(01:03:50):
Partially because byestablishing more regulation in
the morning, I get to draw onthat for the rest of the day.
Like when I go for a run firstthing in the morning, it affects
my energy and how I feel in theafternoon, in the evening.
(01:04:12):
It helps me go to sleep atnight.
So we can set ourselves up forregulation by starting with it
first thing in the morning.
That's actually a pretty goodidea.
I've never thought of thatbefore.
But yeah, you can front loadsome of these practices at the
start of the day.
And I think that has benefitsfor when you get triggered and
(01:04:35):
tempted later on.
Neuroplasticity is amazing.
Your brain can change.
Your heart can heal.
Your relationships can berestored.
And I hope these 10 ways toregulate without porn give you
the menu that you need.
Not just when you're triggeredor tempted, but throughout the
(01:04:56):
week.
So that when the time comes foryou to put them into practice,
you're ready.
Thank you for taking thisadventure with me and trying out
many of the techniques.
I would love to hear yourfeedback on this episode in the
husband material community.
And let me know if you want meto make that album of different
(01:05:19):
audio tracks that you couldlisten to as a way to regulate.
I love you guys so much.
Thank you for taking theredemptive risk to stay with me
this whole time.
And I want to hear from you guyswhen you use one of these tools
and you notice how it affectsyou.
(01:05:41):
Come into the husband materialcommunity.
Let us know.
Let's celebrate our wins.
Let's lift each other up.
And always remember you areGod's beloved son, and you, he
is well pleased.
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