The Sexual Development Model (SDM): A New Perspective on Unwanted Sexual Attraction

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa and I'mhere to show you how let's go.
Today we are talking aboutunwanted sexual attraction.

(00:23):
By unwanted sexual attraction,what do I mean?
I mean being sexually attractedto someone or something that
you would rather not beattracted to because acting on
that attraction would go againstyour values.
Many men in our community findthemselves sexually attracted to
other men.

(00:43):
Others find themselves sexuallyattracted to children,
teenagers, certain types ofwomen, certain genres of porn or
objects or items of clothing.
In my life, unwanted sexualattraction has always focused on

(01:04):
braces and orthodonticappliances.
I don't want to want thesethings.
They are unwanted because, eventhough I find braces very
arousing, that arousal isconnected to deeper desires that
often go against acting on thatarousal.

(01:24):
So many of us find ourselveswith arousal that is in conflict
with our deeper desires and ourtrue values.
And for men outgrowing porn, itis absolutely essential to

(01:50):
understand unwanted sexualattraction.
Now, everyone experiencesunwanted sexual attraction at
some level.
For example, if you're married,even if you find your wife very
attractive, you might findyourself attracted to her sister
or to one of your co -workersand life would be so much easier
if you weren't attracted tothem.
But the fact is that you are,and in many cases unwanted

(02:12):
sexual attraction is often nobig deal.
You think to yourself oh, thatperson is really beautiful, wow,
what a great body.
I really enjoy this part ofthis person's body or this part
of this person's personality,and then you're able to move on.
But for men outgrowing porn,unwanted sexual attraction is

(02:37):
not casual or flippant flippant.
It's an extremely seriousmatter because if I act on my
unwanted sexual attraction,whether in porn or in person, I
could lose my marriage, I couldlose my family, I could lose my
job, my ministry, my whole lifeas I know.
It may depend on what I chooseto do with unwanted sexual

(03:01):
attraction, whether thatattraction might be toward men,
girls, women, objects, fantasies, fetishes, types of pornography
.
We all experience unwantedsexual attraction and tonight I
am going to answer this question.

(03:22):
How do I understand unwantedsexual attraction from a
Christian perspective?
If I experience unwanted sexualattraction, perhaps even
exclusively, what do I trulyneed?
How should I live my life?
What are my options?
If you're wondering why, Ithink I'm qualified to talk
about this man.

(03:42):
I have been wrestling with thistopic for 15 years.
I know what it's like to have alove-hate relationship.
With my sexuality and my fetishfor braces.
I've helped hundreds of menprocess their unwanted sexual
attractions.
I've read dozens of books onthis topic and I feel frustrated
that what I am believing is notrepresented in the literature.

(04:09):
Yet I find myself hearing aboutperspectives on LGBTQ issues
and never quite feeling likethey fully fit with what I think
.
So tonight I'm going to withwhat I think.
So tonight I'm going to sharewhat I think, not just about

(04:31):
same-sex sexual attraction, butreally any unwanted sexual
attraction.
I do realize this is a verydelicate, polarized, politicized
conversation when it comes toLGBTQ issues, questions of
sexual identity and orientation,and I feel so anxious about
addressing this topic that Icould throw up right now.

(04:53):
But I feel compelled to speakout because there's so much
noise out there between side A,side B, side X, side Y.
It can be so confusing.
In this episode I'm going tocut through the noise.
First, I will summarize theexisting perspectives within

(05:15):
Christianity on unwanted sexualattraction.
These perspectives areprimarily focused on dealing
with being sexually attracted tomembers of the same sex, but I
think we need to have a widerconversation that applies to
everyone, and I'll say moreabout why.
In the end, you will hear a newperspective that I have been

(05:38):
developing in conversation withother husband material leaders
like Henry Brown and DougCarpenter, that you might call
Side D.
I'm calling it the sexualdevelopment model, a model that
applies not only to LGBTQ issuesbut to any type of unwanted

(05:59):
sexual attraction.
This episode is going to be long.
It's probably going to becontroversial.
I'm treating it as anexperiment.
This is a first draft.
I realize I could be wrongabout some things here and I
hope my perspective willcontinue to be refined as time
goes on.

(06:27):
To thank Jason Thompson ofPortland Fellowship for his work
and his chart, which is calledFour Views on Christian Doctrine
, identity and Homosexuality.
I had a wonderful conversationwith Jason where we talked about
his chart and I asked morequestions.
If you would like to seeJason's chart, go down to the
link in the show notes and youwill find it, as well as another
document which I found to bevery helpful called the Five

(06:50):
Streams Differing Responses toLGBTQ by Dr Linda Seiler.
I so appreciate Jason's workand Linda's work and the
movement of Christians who aretrying to think about these
things faithfully and carefully,with an openness to the amazing

(07:11):
influence that God can have onour sexuality and that healing
and discipleship can have,wanting to think through ethical
issues, psychological issues,spiritual issues.
Sexuality is connected toeverything and this work is so
difficult, it's not easy.

(07:31):
So thank you to Jason and Lindafor creating some resources
that have helped me create a newresource, a sexual development
model.
Well, gentlemen, I have createdmy own chart, which you can
download at husbandmaterialcomslash SDM, which stands for the

(07:54):
sexual development model.
Before I present this newperspective, the sexual
development model, you are goingto hear the sexual development
model.
You are going to hear aboutsome of the other sides and
streams represented in Jason'schart and Linda's chart.
Some of you are probably veryfamiliar with this conversation

(08:17):
in these charts already, and forsome of you, I'm guessing that
this conversation is new.
So I'm going to catch you up onwhat people have been saying.
While talking about differentChristian views on same-sex
sexual attraction, sssa You'regoing to hear about side A, side

(08:40):
B, side Y, side X and then, ifyou want me to be on a side, I'm
going to choose side D.
While reading through thesedifferent sides.
I saw value in each one andalso limitations in each one.
The sexual development modelacknowledges the strength of

(09:05):
each side and that each side hassomething that we can learn
from, and also the limitationsof each side and how each side
has something missing, and Ithink this model creates space
for all of that.
At least, that's my hope.

(09:26):
We're going to start with abrief overview of each side.
Side A might be summarized asaffirming, affirming and
celebrating same-sex union.
Side B might be summarized asbe celibate, viewing same-sex
union and sexual activity asagainst the moral code of

(09:53):
Christianity and primarilyfocused on obeying that moral
code, and I'll get more intodetail about it later.
And I'll get more into detailabout it later.
Side X refers to what many havecalled the ex-gay movement, and
I'm going to specify twostreams within that movement

(10:17):
which are very different fromone another.
And side Y might be summarizedas a new identity, wanting to
emphasize identity in Christover identity in sexual
attraction.
Side D refers to development,growth, discipleship, becoming

(10:37):
mature, and before I can trulyexplain what that is and why
it's different, we need to do adeep dive into each of the
existing sides If you want tolearn more about what each side
generally teaches.
I would recommend checking outJason's chart, linda's chart.
Here's the purpose of my chart.

(10:59):
I just want to summarize eachone and then highlight the
strengths, the limitations and akey takeaway that we can learn
from each one.
Let's start with side A.
The core teaching of side A, orthe stream of affirming

(11:19):
same-sex sexual activity, is tocelebrate your sexuality, to see
it as a good thing, to bless it, to go for it or, as Jason
Thompson would say, to revel init.
And the relationship goal ofpeople on this side generally is

(11:42):
a same-sex union, whetherthat's monogamous or not.
The goal is to release yoursexuality and do what your
unwanted sexual attraction wantsyou to do.
You might not even call itunwanted sexual attraction in

(12:02):
this side unwanted sexualattraction in this side.
Some of you are probably notgoing to be very happy that I
can find strengths in this side,but here's what I see as the
strengths.
Side A promotes openness andhonesty and letting go of toxic
shame.
The idea of coming out of thecloset, of being real,

(12:26):
vulnerable and authentic aboutyour sexual thoughts and
feelings is good.
It's good to be honest, it'sgood to be open and you know,
side A is actually doing apretty good job of trying to
teach kids about sexuality froma young age.
I disagree with a lot of whatthey're teaching, but we have

(12:51):
something to learn from theirapproach to wanting to get sex
education into mainstream placeslike schools and homes from a
young age.
We need sexuality educationfrom a young age.
We need to be able to talkabout it, and side A is talking

(13:13):
about it publicly, openly andhere's the most important thing
In many cases without shame.
It's just normal to talk aboutsexuality.
It's just normal to talk aboutbeing sexually attracted to
different types of people ordifferent types of things.
There's less fear around it.
There's less shame around it.

(13:34):
We need that.
So I see so much value, valuein friends I know who affirm and
bless same-sex unions, in beingreal, in letting go of shame,
because shame is one of themajor reasons why so many men

(14:01):
continue coming back to pornagain and again.
So wouldn't it be wonderful ifwe carried less shame?
Here are the limitations,though.
With that lack of shame and allthat openness and honesty, I
have ethical issues with Side A.
From a traditional, historicChristian perspective, I think

(14:25):
it's overly permissive and I'mnot just talking about same-sex
unions here.
I think unwanted sexualattraction in general needs
boundaries, and I don't seeenough boundaries in this stream

(14:45):
, in this side.
Not as much definition ofwhat's okay and what's not okay,
not just for men with men orwomen with women, but
conversations are increasinglygoing towards polyamory and
adults and children havingsexual activity together, and I

(15:08):
think that the permissiveness ofsaying hey, celebrate your
sexuality, don't be ashamed ofit, can go off track when it
doesn't have enough boundariesabout what's truly healthy, good
and beautiful according toscripture, according to historic

(15:30):
Christian teaching.
Oftentimes people on side Amislabel or malign other views
as conversion therapy.
It's often seen that any viewother than side A is not
accepting enough, not affirmingenough, and so I think there's

(15:51):
some major limitations there.
Here's the key takeaway I wantall of us to learn from side A
your sexual thoughts, thoughts,feelings and attractions are not
bad.

(16:12):
Notice how I didn't say yoursexual behaviors are not bad.
I said your sexual thoughts,feelings and attractions are not
bad.
Let me say it another waythey're not sinful.
We know that Jesus was temptedin every way, yet without sin.
There is a difference betweennoticing beauty and choosing

(16:34):
lust.
Lust is a posture of taking andconsuming another person.
Love is a posture of sharing,receiving and giving with
another person.
Love is a posture of sharing,receiving and giving with
another person, and it can beloving to look at another person
, notice attraction and beautyand then say a blessing over

(17:01):
them, pray for them, move on.
There is nothing wrong withfeeling attracted to someone, no
matter who that person is.
There is nothing wrong withhaving a sexual urge to do
something that goes against yourvalues.
That's a feeling in your body,to use the language of IFS and
internal family systems.
Unwanted sexual attraction is apart of you.

(17:24):
It's a feeling.
Emotions are feelings and as asociety, we generally believe
that emotions are not bad.
In the same way, I think weneed to all get on the same page
, that sexual feelings are notbad.
They're like emotions.
What matters is what you dowith them.

(17:44):
Feelings are not bad.
They're like emotions.
What matters is what you dowith them.
And from a Christian IFSperspective, we can bless and
appreciate unwanted sexualattraction without indulging it.
We can welcome those thoughtsthat we would rather not have.

(18:05):
We don't have to attack them oravoid them.
We can relate to them withcuriosity and compassion, as I
teach at Husband Material.
It doesn't mean we need to letthem take control of our
behavior.
This is huge for so many men.

(18:26):
So many men are surprised andamazed that, yes, it is possible
to appreciate and bless andwelcome whatever sexual
attractions you have withoutdoing what those attractions are
moving you to do.

(18:47):
Just like if you have children,you love your kids, you delight
in your kids, even when theywant to do things that go
against your values, even whenthey hurt each other or they
want to do something that youknow would be bad for them and

(19:08):
for others.
They're kids.
A developmental approach inthat instance is to say of
course my kid wants to hit hissibling.
Of course my kid wants to eatall the candy in the candy jar.
Of course my kid wants tosexually experiment.

(19:31):
He's a kid.
We need to have that sameposture with ourselves and say
whatever I'm feeling, thinking,wanting, craving sexually, it's
not bad and there is a way tocelebrate your sexuality without

(19:53):
giving yourself over towhatever it wants you to do.
Okay, we did one side, let'skeep going.
Side B, what Linda Seiler callsthe stream of accommodation, has
the core teaching of obey God,and for most people on side B,
they interpret that to mean becelibate, remain single for your

(20:16):
whole life, don't get intosame-sex sexual activity.
Same-sex sexual activity.
Within side B, there isincreasing awareness of what's
called mixed orientationmarriage, and this stream is

(20:37):
often viewing same-sex sexualattraction actually in a very
similar way that side A views it.
Both side A and side B have anassumption that same-sex sexual

(20:57):
attraction is inborn, ingrained.
In other words, I was born thisway and side A would say
celebrate that, indulge that, go, act on that.
Side B would say don't.
A man commented on one of myYouTube videos recently and said

(21:19):
if you don't embrace what we'recalling sidesy Day, then you
are essentially putting yourselfin a dark room alone for the
rest of your life.
And that is exactly how many ofyou guys feel about this

(21:44):
thought of not having same-sexsexual relationships or not
having gay porn or not havingyour unwanted sexual attractions
fulfilled.
It can feel like death, likedeath.

(22:09):
It can feel like resigningmyself to be alone, to living
the rest of my life in a darkroom, alone, in a corner, in
despair, and that is where Iactually see offering some
strengths that we need toappreciate.

(22:37):
Side B and some of theproponents of it have been
creating plausibility structureswithin which lifelong
singleness can actually makesense and be a viable, healthy
way of life Houses where peoplelive together and do life
together.
Communities where people seeeach other on a much more

(22:57):
regular basis than we usuallyget in church with a once a week
Sunday morning service.
Get in church with a once aweek Sunday morning service.
Side B has acknowledged thatsingleness is a valid state of
life and also our society is notset up for single people to
thrive.
So if we want to give people aviable path to a healthy,

(23:22):
connected life path to a healthy, connected life we need to have
more community.
We need to have strongerfriendships.
We need to have more everydayintimacy and I love how a lot of
side B people are emphasizingthat Not all of them are, but I
think we all need that.

(23:42):
But I think we all need thatWith whatever your sexual
context is.
If you're single, if you'redivorced, if you're not married,
being a sexual person can justbe discouraging.
You can feel like I have nooutlet.
You can feel like I have noplace to put all this sexual
energy.
Sexuality is our engine forintimacy.

(24:05):
It's not ultimately about sex.
It's about connection andbelonging and attachment, and
Side B has acknowledged that ifwe're going to tell people to
obey God and be celibate, weneed to give them a way to do
that.
That's better than just livingthe rest of your life in a dark

(24:26):
room alone.
We need community, we needfriendship, we need the church.
Essentially, here are somelimitations that I see in side B
.
Many side B Christians mightdrift towards side A might drift

(24:51):
towards side A.
For example, if two men decideto form a covenant friendship
with each other.
They live together, they eattogether, they might have almost
everything that a marriedcouple would have, except for
sexual activity and a ring ontheir fingers.
To me, this seems like theclosest thing to side A without

(25:18):
actually crossing the line.
So it's not surprising to mewhen men who find themselves on
side B often renounce it andgive up and go to side A.
Maybe they're tired of sittingin a dark room alone, so to
speak, or maybe they're tryingto pursue non-sexual friendships

(25:49):
and finding that it keepsgetting difficult.
It keeps drifting in thedirection of a same-sex union,
and many Side B Christiansidentify as gay or as LGBTQ.
The Side B proponents often alsodon't see marriage as a valid
option for those who experiencesame-sex sexual attraction, and

(26:13):
there's something a little bitsad about that, Because I know
so many men in the husbandmaterial community who have
wonderful marriages.
Their unwanted sexualattraction has not kept them
from that.
If we said that anybody whoexperiences unwanted sexual

(26:33):
attraction shouldn't get married, then we would all be
disqualified.
What about me with my sexualfetish for braces?
This is one of the reasons whyI don't fully resonate with
these different sides and thesedifferent charts, because where
do I fit in all this?
In my late teens and early 20s,at one point I genuinely

(26:58):
thought that I would probably besingle for the rest of my life.
I had very little hope formarriage.
I felt despair, and it was awonderful healing journey for me
to realize the key takeaway ofSide B, which is this Healthy
sexuality does not require youto be married or coupled.

(27:21):
You can have connection,intimacy, belonging, secure
attachment, deep friendships,people who know you and love you
, separate from romance.
Wow, that is a truth that weall need to hear.
So there's side A and side B,which are primarily ethical

(27:47):
perspectives, and initiallythose were the only sides that I
heard people talking about.
There has been more and moredisagreement and differentiation
in the last few years betweenside B and what might be called
side Y, the stream ofmortification.
The core teaching of side Y isthat if you experience unwanted

(28:11):
sexual attraction, you need torepent and believe the gospel.
Unwanted sexual attraction isseen as a sin issue.
It's actually seen as sinful,and this is one of the places
where I would disagree.
Remember when I said Jesus wastempted in every way and yet
without sin.
Our feelings are not sinful.

(28:32):
It's what we do with them andhow we respond to our feelings
or react to them that can goagainst what's right and good
Inside.
Why, generally, therelationship goal is opposite
sex union, in other words,traditional heterosexual

(28:53):
marriage.
Here's what I see as the mainstrength of side Y.
Sexual attraction is a fickle,fragile foundation for your
identity.
For your identity.

(29:17):
Both side A and side B find asense of identity in being
attracted to a specific type ofperson sexually.
Side Y says that's not who youare.
How you feel is not who you are.
What you're sexually attractedto is not who you are.
It's just a feeling.
And that's good news.
And I remind you of that goodnews every week on this podcast

(29:43):
when I say always remember youare God's beloved son.
In you, he is well-pleased.
No matter what you've done, nomatter what's been done to you,
no matter who you're sexuallyattracted to, no matter what
turns you on or turns you off,you need a foundation that's
bigger than just your feelings,to build your life on the best

(30:07):
foundation, for that is youridentity in Christ.
I love that.
Here's where I cringe at Side Y.
They often over-spiritualizesexual issues, not taking into
account psychology, neuroscience, biology, our social context,

(30:31):
childhood origin stories, trauma.
This is seen as a sin issue,and if it's a sin issue, then
they have the standard solutionfor sin, which is repent and
believe the gospel.
And while spiritual formationis a part of this journey, we
start to go off track when wereduce it to that and it can

(30:55):
often feel like pray the gayaway.
So side Y can fall intospiritual bypass and trying to
put a spiritual solution on whatis oftentimes an emotional
wound.
Sexual temptation is not sin,and when you experience unwanted

(31:20):
sexual attraction, you can viewyourself as a human who has
feelings, and sometimes thosefeelings want you to do crazy
things.
I think Side Y often promotespurity, culture, fear and shame
over sexual thoughts andfeelings.
Yet the beauty of this side canbe captured in one sentence

(31:46):
your sexuality is not who youare.
It's a part of you.
I'm coming back to the IFSperspective that we all have
parts and unwanted sexualattraction is a part of you.
Against side A, I would sayyour sexuality is a part of you.
It's not who you are.
Against side Y, I would sayyour sexuality is a part of you.

(32:09):
You don't need to repent fromit.
Hope this is making sense.
Side Y was ultimately abranching off of side X, which
is much more nuanced than mostpeople assume.

(32:30):
Within side X I have twostreams conversion and
transformation.
Conversion from what we mightcall the ex-gay era is what Side
A would call conversion therapy.
I actually think that it'sreally important for us to

(32:52):
distinguish between these twostreams within side X because
they're very, very different.
The conversion stream of side Xteaches you to change your
sexuality.
If you experience unwantedsexual attraction, try to change
it or remove it or replace it.
The goal here is, if you'rehomosexual, to become

(33:17):
heterosexual.
The relationship goal isopposite sex union.
I see some serious limitationswith this stream.
I have ethical issues with theconversion stream of side X
because it is internally violentTrying to change your sexuality

(33:38):
in the sense of removing orreplacing unwanted sexual
attraction is often based onself-hatred, shame, fear,
control.
This stream, I think, isresponsible for much of the
movement we have seen frompeople who tried the traditional

(34:04):
, historic Christian sexualethic and realized it wasn't
making anything better.
And realized it wasn't makinganything better Because when you
try to resist unwanted sexualattraction, you actually
intensify it.
What you resist persists.
So if you continue to try tostop being attracted to certain

(34:26):
people and to start beingattracted to other people
certain people and to startbeing attracted to other people,
you are fighting aself-defeating battle.
That is really, reallydiscouraging, devastating,
heartbreaking.
Some of you have been on aquest to annihilate your

(34:50):
unwanted sexual attraction foryears.
It's really sad to me From anIFS perspective.
Your managers are waging waragainst your firefighters and
the exiles are suffering becauseof that.
Because of that, on the one hand, there is a strength and a

(35:12):
goodness in wanting change, inthe sense of personal growth,
the sense of relational supportto meet your life goals and, of
course, being open to divineintervention, because anything
is possible with God.
And also, whatever type ofgrowth or support or healing you

(35:37):
pursue should be based onself-acceptance, self-compassion
and kindness rather thanself-contempt and
self-condemnation and fighting afrustrating, exhausting battle
that you can never win.
Because, guess what?
Unwanted sexual attraction is apart of you and it's always

(36:00):
going to be a part of you.
It can be less intense, lessfrequent, it can be less
disturbing.
It can be less disturbing, itcan be less controlling, and
it's always going to be a partof you.
We need to learn how to love andaccept all parts of us, all of

(36:25):
our thoughts and feelings.
I think that is the posture ofJesus toward us.
I think that is the posture ofJesus toward us Always kind,
always loving, always gracious,always gentle, always tender.
And we are so harsh withourselves, we are so critical of

(36:46):
ourselves.
We beat ourselves up.
We should all over ourselves.
We beat ourselves up, we shouldall over ourselves.
And that's what I see with somany men who come to me for help
.
They're in this stream and itis eating them alive.
Yes, it's true that yoursexuality can shift and evolve,

(37:09):
but not based on obligation orforcing something to happen.
Those shifts happen naturally,spontaneously, and sometimes not
at all, but it's always part ofa bigger story of development
and maturity and growing up thatI'm going to talk about a

(37:31):
little later.
I can sympathize with so manypeople who are suspicious of any
side other than side A, becauseit sounds like the conversion
stream and there is a muchbetter, healthier, stronger,

(38:05):
more mature and helpful streamwithin SideX that can be called
the transformation stream.
This is what I now see moreministries and clinicians and
professionals teaching thatultimately, what we need to do
is heal our sexual brokenness.
The problem is we often viewthings as needing healing that

(38:29):
actually don't need healing.
Here's what I mean.
This concept of healing caneasily be misunderstood and
confused with conversion therapy.
If you think I need to healfrom my unwanted sexual
attraction, no, no, no, I'm notsaying you need to heal from it.
That's the conversion stream,trying to change your sexuality.

(38:53):
I'm saying that your unwantedsexual attraction may be a clue
to deeper healing, relationally,emotionally, maybe even
psychologically, emotionally,maybe even psychologically.
Unwanted sexual attraction canbe a symptom of trauma, not

(39:19):
always.
Yet underneath unwanted sexualattraction, we often find
childhood origin stories ofbeing neglected, abused,
enmeshed, oftentimes abandonedby fathers, enmeshed with
mothers, alienated from peers,and the transformation stream is
open to exploring those stories, open to trauma therapy.

(39:48):
And the goal of this therapy isnot to heal from unwanted
sexual attraction, or even toheal unwanted sexual attraction,
but to heal whatever'sunderneath it.
The goal is healing.
The outcome might be a shift inwhat you experience sexually,
and I have experienced manyshifts in my unwanted sexual

(40:10):
attraction that I've describedin an episode called how my
Sexual Fetish Shifted Over Time.
So I see a lot of strength inthis transformation stream, as
long as we get clear that we arenot healing our sexual thoughts
and feelings, because those arenot broken.

(40:32):
Remember they're just likeemotions.
God created us to experiencesexual arousal and he didn't
give us some kind of exclusivething where we can only be
aroused by our wife.
So many guys are thinking tothemselves if I could only be

(40:59):
aroused by just my wife.
Well, no one is only aroused byjust their wife.
Everybody experiences unwantedsexual attraction to some degree
.
People in the transformationstream will sometimes say God's
design is for man and woman tobe married and to experience
sexual arousal toward theiropposite sex partner.

(41:23):
The relationship goal here isopposite sex union.
However, there are a couple oflimitations with this.
One is that I disagree thatGod's design is for us to
experience sexual attractiononly to the person that we're
married to.
God's design is that your bodywill be aroused through touch,

(41:47):
through stimulation, throughcertain types of emotional
energy, regardless of the source.
It doesn't matter who'stouching you, it's going to
create arousal.
This often creates an internalconflict between arousal and
desire.
God designed our bodies toexperience sexual attraction
period period.

(42:17):
Our role is to become mature inhow we handle that attraction,
wanting to fuel it in thedirections that align with our
values and wanting to not fuelit in other directions.
Role in order to fulfill amoral code of sexual union in a

(42:38):
marriage between opposite sexpartners only requires
stewardship of that attraction.
Within the transformation stream, I still see people often
promoting marriage as the idealoutcome, seeing that as God's
ultimate design, maybe notvalidating singleness as much as
side B does.

(42:58):
After all, singleness is goingto be our eternal state,
according to Jesus.
According to Jesus, there willbe no marriage in the
resurrection other than marriageto God.
We as the church, the bridebeing married to the lamb.
Both singleness and marriageare meant to show the love of

(43:20):
God to the world and to be apicture of marriage between
Christ and the church.
In this stream oftransformation, we need to be
very clear that healing isultimately relational, that
sexual brokenness needs to bedefined, and singleness is just

(43:42):
as valid as marriage.
Here's what I see as the keytakeaway of the transformation
stream, and it gives me a lot ofhope.
Your sexual story makes senseand God wants to redeem it all.
Your unwanted sexual attractionis not random.
There's a story behind it,there's a logic to it, even if
you don't understand what thatis and even if we never

(44:03):
understand what that is.
It's not magical, it'smanageable and it's not beyond
the redemptive reach of Jesus tocome into your life and use
that unwanted sexual attractionto draw you closer to himself,
to draw you closer to otherpeople, to lead you into
becoming the person he made youto be.
Unwanted sexual attraction isnot a barrier to being loved by

(44:28):
God and to having a great life.
It's a bridge, and the more Ishare my unwanted sexual
attraction with other people,the more I find myself connected
to them, the more I find myselfundoing shame, facing fear,
reversing the curse ofloneliness and isolation.

(44:50):
Reversing the curse ofloneliness and isolation and
unwanted sexual attraction canbecome a gift, in the sense that
any human experience can becomea gift.
It doesn't have to be a curse,and Jesus is here to make all
things new, and I believe thatone day, when we are completely

(45:11):
transformed in the new heavensand the new earth, that our
sexual attraction and arousal,if it still exists, is going to
be completely aligned with ourdeepest desires, when our
transformation into becomingexactly like Jesus is complete,

(45:32):
it will be impossible to sin.
We won't have to manage ouremotions, at least not the same
way with effort that we do now.
In IFS terms, our parts will beunburdened, our wounds will be
healed and we get to experiencea taste of that here and now,

(45:55):
and the transformation stream ismoving toward that, and I love
that.
So there you have it a summaryof side A, side B, side Y, side
X, what I see as the strengthsand limitations of each one and
what I'm calling the sexualdevelopment model.
Maybe side D, for short, is notreally a side.
It's a lens through which wecan view each of these sides as

(46:21):
being part of a bigger picture.
Each side, I think, has somevalue for sexual development.
We need to celebrate oursexuality has some value for
sexual development.
We need to celebrate oursexuality.
Shame doesn't belong on oursexuality.
We need to learn how to behonest and let go of shame, like
we see so many people doing inSide A.
We need to learn how tovalidate singleness and create

(46:44):
strong structures for community,like Side B is doing.
We need to emphasize identityin Christ over identity in
sexual attraction, like side Yis doing.
We need to be open to growthand support and divide
intervention and also curiousand compassionate for the
childhood origin stories behindour unwanted sexual attraction.

(47:06):
Like we see in thetransformation stream side X
ministries.
Like we see in thetransformation stream Side X
ministries.
Here is the core teaching withinwhich all of these strengths
are contained Become a sexuallymature adult.
Side A and Side B both assumethat same-sex sexual attraction

(47:28):
is there from birth and you'reborn this way.
Side A is saying we need to getback to that, you know, revert
to the way you were born.
Side B is saying, well, this isthe way I was born, but I need
to always go against it.
Andrew is commenting that sideY just says that same-sex sexual

(47:49):
attraction is from original sin, so also a born-this-way
perspective.
In a sense, side X assumes thatI was born without same-sex
sexual attraction, so I need toget back to that somehow.
Back to that somehow.

(48:17):
Side X would assume thatsame-sex sexual attraction
happens in life experiences,sometimes through trauma,
sometimes through neglect, abuseor sometimes through other ways
, and there's still an impulsewithin Inside Ex to go back to
this original state Inside D.
When I say become a sexuallymature adult, I am saying that

(48:41):
everyone is designed to achievea state that we were not born
with and that state is maturity.
And all of us are movingforward toward that state, not
reverting back to being gay, notreverting back to being
straight, moving forward intobecoming mature, sexually,

(49:03):
emotionally, spiritually.
And our goal is not necessarilymarriage and our goal is not
necessarily marriage and it'snot necessarily singleness.
Our goal is freedom fromproblematic sexual behavior.
So here's my point Rather thantry to go back to God's original
design that appears to be likefrom birth, whether that's

(49:27):
opposite sex attraction orsame-sex attraction, I actually
think God's design is notsomething we have at birth.
It's something we grow into,something we develop into.
A while ago on the HusbandMaterial podcast, I had Bill
Herring on the show talkingabout his problematic sexual

(49:49):
behavior framework.
He asks five questions toassess problematic sexual
behavior.
One commitment Are you keepingyour promises?
Two values Are you okay withwhat you're doing?
Three responsibility Are youprotecting others?
Four negative consequences Iseverything okay?
And five control Are you incontrol of yourself?
Control Are you in control ofyourself?
I find these questions to bevery helpful and our goal

(50:20):
relationally whether you'resingle or married, I think
should be freedom from behaviorthat falls into those five
categories.
Now your ethical perspective oryour values might differ from
mine.
From a developmentalperspective, I'm not concerned
with helping you get to somefinal destination of where I
think sexual perfection lies.

(50:40):
My concern is for your growth,for you to go from where you are
right now to the next step, tobecoming a little bit more like
Jesus every day.
And if your version of that issomething I disagree with,
that's not going to stop me fromconnecting with you and being

(51:03):
in relationship with you.
In the sexual development model.
I'm not trying to convinceeveryone that my side is the
right side.
Rather, I'm meeting people inthe middle of whatever side
they're on and wanting to helpthem grow a little bit more in

(51:26):
character in Christ-likeness,even if their definition of that
is different from mine.
So my relationship goal forpeople is not necessarily a
certain version of union orcelibacy, it's freedom from
behaviors that get in the way ofwhat our sexuality was created

(51:49):
for.
Here's the strength of thesexual development model it
creates space for the strengthsof all sides, for the strengths
of all sides, and the sexualdevelopment model applies to all
unwanted sexual attraction,arousal and behavior.
So this is not just about LGBTQissues, this is for everyone

(52:10):
and this is a major frustrationthat I've had with the existing
paradigms For me, having asexual fetish for braces.
I never fully fit into any ofthe sides Because I'm not trying
to get back to a state whereI'm not obsessed with braces and
I'm not trying to just go withthe state of being obsessed with

(52:31):
braces.
My fetish for braces assomething that I experienced
from a young age that also tookshape in my development,
especially in middle school whenall the kids around me had
braces.
This is really the core of howI came up with this model.
I needed something to fit mysexuality that got stunted when

(52:56):
I was 13 years old.
That doesn't necessarily fullyalign with same-sex sexual
attraction and at the same time,I wouldn't describe myself as
straight.
In fact, I don't think anyone'sstraight.
I think we are all created witha sexuality that's good and
beautiful and we all experiencesexual brokenness.

(53:19):
No one's straight the mainlimitation of the sexual
development model right now.
Is that not enough?
People are going into detail,articulating exactly what sexual
development is Like.
How does it work?
What are the stages of sexualdevelopment?

(53:41):
If we're saying this should bethe umbrella over everything,
well, don't we need to define itmore?
The closest thing I found to asummary of stages of sexual
development was a DVD from likethe 80s by doctors Clifford and
Joyce Penner, where theydescribed stages of sexual

(54:04):
development from birth throughadulthood.
This way In infancy there's astage of healthy attachment,
learning safe touch, learningvocab words and learning to talk
openly about sex and sexualityis a developmental stage.
As you get older, into schoolage, kids, curiosity is another

(54:27):
stage of sexual development.
Learning, blessing that my bodyis good and also boundaries
that I need to respect thebodies of others.
Experimentation and adventureis another healthy, normal stage
of sexual development,especially in pre-adolescence
and adolescence.
And the stage at which thePenners say that you reach

(54:53):
sexual maturity in adulthood iswhat they call mature management
.
Adulthood is what they callmature management.
That is the state to which Ibelieve we should all aspire to
maturely manage our sexuality,not just to indulge it, not just
to fight a battle against it.
Being an adult means maturelymanaging it.

(55:18):
More research is needed, morebooks need to be written, more
models like this need to becreated so that we can
understand what is this goalthat we're moving toward, not
just trying to get back to.
I've read so many books aboutsexuality.

(55:42):
Many of them reference the ideaof sexual development, but
nobody fully defines it.
Nobody fully spells it out theway.
I think we really need it to bespelled out in order to make
PsyD or the sexual developmentmodel more credible, something
that we can really grab a holdof.

(56:04):
Here's my key takeaway of thesexual development model that I
hope all of you will remember.
If you experience unwantedsexual attraction, here's what
that says about you you arehuman.
You're human.

(56:25):
The fact that you experiencethis doesn't mean there's
something wrong with you.
It also doesn't mean you needto give into it.
It means you have a body.
It means you have a body.

(56:46):
It means you have feelings.
It means God created you toexperience sexual attraction and
sometimes, just like everyother person, you would rather
not experience it toward aspecific person or type of porn
or behavior.
My friend, you are human andthe truest thing about you is
that you are God's beloved childand as his beloved child.

(57:10):
You're in the process ofmaturing sexually, just like all
of us are.
We're in a process of maturingsexually.
That includes learning tocelebrate our sexual thoughts
and feelings, learning to obeyGod, not necessarily needing to
be married or coupled.

(57:31):
Yes, we're all repenting andbelieving in the gospel.
We need to be clear about whatwe're repenting of and hint,
it's not our sexuality.
We can pursue personal growth.
We can get relational support.
We can be open to divineintervention in the Holy
Spirit's work in our lives.
We can explore our childhoodorigin stories.
We can receive trauma therapyas needed and we can believe the

(57:56):
truth that God welcomes us andhe's here for it.
He's not ashamed of unwantedsexual attraction.
He's not afraid of unwantedsexual attraction because we're
human.
My friend, unwanted sexualattraction is a part of you.

(58:16):
It's not who you are and itdoesn't get to dictate what you
do one way or the other.
You have the power to choosewhat to do with it.
My hope is that you will takesteps toward development,
maturity and growth, because thegoal is not to get back to some

(58:38):
idealistic, perfectionist state.
The goal is to grow up.
It's discipleship, becominglike Jesus.
I think that's whatChristianity is about.
At this point you might bewondering what is the sexual
development model?
If I had to summarize it tosomebody, what would it be?

(59:00):
Here are the core assumptions Ihave that I would describe as
the core ideas of the sexualdevelopment model that make it
different from any otherperspective that's been
articulated that I know of.
I'm just going to read themstraight through.
These are the assumptions ofthe sexual development model.

(59:22):
Sexual attraction is a normaland good part of you Period.
No one is born sexually mature.
Maturity develops over time.
Sexual attraction naturallygrows and develops throughout
life, but sexual development canbe stunted or hijacked in many
ways by porn, trauma, abuse,abandonment, enmeshment and so

(59:45):
on.
Now we all experience unwantedsexual attraction at some level
and our journey to maturity isholistic, involving knowledge,
skills and attitudes, involvingknowledge, skills and attitudes
Our heads, our hearts, ourbodies.
It's a beautiful journey andit's never too late to take that

(01:00:10):
journey and become a sexuallyhealthy mature adult.
The sexual development model hassome core assumptions that make
it different from this wholeside A, side B, side Y, side X
scheme.
Here's one Sexual attraction isa normal and good part of you

(01:00:33):
period.
Side A would clearly agree withthat Side.
B, y and x need a little bit ofhelp to get on board with this
idea that sexuality is not justgood in the context of marriage,
and actually in the context ofmarriage it can be really
harmful, objectifying anddestructive.
Marital rape is a real thing.

(01:00:54):
If you think that sexualattraction in marriage is the
good version of it, then you'restill ultimately allowing for
marital rape and consumption ofanother person's body just
because they're married.
What's missing in a marriagewhere the guy is attracted to

(01:01:18):
his wife but he's using her andobjectifying her?
What's missing is maturity.
What's missing is being able tomaturely manage his attraction
so that sexuality is aboutconnection, not just consumption
.
Sexual attraction is normal andgood period, just like any
other feeling, just like anyother emotion.
Sexual attraction, however, isnot the goal.

(01:01:41):
Opposite sex sexual attractionis not the goal.
Same sex sexual attraction isnot the goal.
Maturity is the goal.
No one is born sexually mature.
You were not born this way.
If you find yourself in a stateof maturity where you're able
to delay your sexualgratification, you can bless

(01:02:02):
your sexuality.
You're not shaming yourself.
You're able to regulate yournervous system without sexually
acting out.
Those markers of maturity arenot inborn.
Maturity develops over time.
It develops throughrelationships.
It develops through learning,self-regulation, self-awareness,

(01:02:23):
self-compassion.
So that's the core assumption Imentioned earlier, that we're
not trying to go back to somestate we had at birth.
We're trying to go forward intowho we're created to be, who
we're created to become.
And here's a piece that I thinka lot of people are missing
Sexual attraction naturallygrows and develops throughout

(01:02:45):
life.
When we were children, many ofus experienced sexual attraction
to other children and that wasnormal and good.
There was nothing wrong withthat.
As we grow and develop, ourbodies grow and evolve.

(01:03:32):
I felt to my wife when we gotmarried is going to be very
different than the attraction Ifeel to her when we are in our
70s and 80s, if we're able tolive that long.
I say this to normalize thatsexual attraction shifts,

(01:03:54):
evolves, grows over time.
It's actually a very commonexperience and we don't even
realize it's happening.
Side A and side B often treatunwanted sexual attraction as a
kind of fixed entity that mightor might not change.
What I'm saying is sexualattraction is dynamic and the

(01:04:17):
normal state of it is to growand evolve as we get older, and
what often happens is that itbecomes stunted or hijacked and
therefore becomes more fixatedthan it could be.
And that's what happened to mewhen I was 13 years old.
My natural, normal developmentbeing attracted to other girls

(01:04:42):
was growing and changing andthen it got stuck.
It got stunted and hijacked bythe trauma I experienced and a
lot of other parts of my storythat I could go into.
Sexual development can bestunted or hijacked in many ways
.
It's not that it's one thingthat can then just change.

(01:05:03):
It's like no, it's changing,and then often it becomes just
one thing, and that's where alot of us come back to again and
again in pornography.
It's often one thing or onetype of thing that we became
fixated on, perhaps a stage ofdevelopment where we got stuck.

(01:05:24):
And, as we are formed sexuallyin many different ways, we all
experience unwanted sexualattraction in one way or another
, and we're all on a journey tomaturity.
That journey involves acquiringknowledge, skills and attitudes
.
It's not just about learningmore information in your head.

(01:05:45):
It's also about practicingskills like connecting with
others, being able to releaseenergy from your body without
sexually acting out, being ableto process your emotions, heal
your trauma.
There's a skill aspect andthere's also an attitude of
blessing your sexuality and alsohaving boundaries around it.

(01:06:07):
Remember that's one of thestages of development that
Penner's talked about.
It's an attitude of kindness,curiosity and compassion.
Sexual maturity is not justabout what you do or what you
think.
It's about how you love andthankfully, it's never too late

(01:06:28):
to become a sexually healthy,mature adult.
I think many of theseassumptions challenge some of
the existing paradigms.
Some of the existing paradigms,because if you experience
sexual attraction to the samesex, that doesn't put you in a
separate category from the restof humanity.
It means you experienceunwanted sexual attraction, just

(01:06:52):
like everyone.
If you find yourself fixatedand fascinated with just one
type of person or one type ofexperience sexually, that
doesn't necessarily mean youwere born that way.
Perhaps it means yourdevelopment was stunted or
hijacked.
If you're wondering will mysexuality ever change or grow,

(01:07:12):
think about it.
Not like transforming a doginto a cat.
Think of it as a puppy becomingan adult dog.
The sexual development model isunique.
I have seen some otherministries and professionals who
embody some of these principles, but they've never fully

(01:07:34):
articulated it the way I've donetoday.
This sexual development modelis at the core of the outgrow
porn approach that we areteaching in Husband Material
Academy.
It's going to be fullypresented in my upcoming book
this summer called Outgrow Porn,which I'm very excited about,

(01:07:57):
this entire chart showing side A, b, x, y and the sexual
development model and everythingI've just shared.
You can download that chart,you can share it with your
friends.
Go to husbandmaterialcom, slash, sdm, and that will help you

(01:08:18):
visualize what we're talkingabout.
And that will help youvisualize what we're talking
about.
The outgrow porn approach isabout becoming sexually mature,
learning secure attachment,healthy, safe touch, learning to
talk about these things withoutshame, blessing boundaries,
experimentation and adventure ina redemptive sense of taking
redemptive risks in a redemptivesense of taking redemptive

(01:08:41):
risks and ultimately learninghow to maturely manage our
unwanted sexual attractions andbehaviors.
Thank you so much for stickingwith me through this very long
episode.
I'm now going to open up sometime for questions.
Tom says how can you say thatmy sexual attractions are not
bad and destructive to mymarriage?

(01:09:03):
Well, it's pretty simple.
It's what you do with thoseattractions that's destructive
to your marriage.
It's not the attractionsthemselves, it's what you do
with it.
A domestic violence survivormight say how can you say that
my husband's anger is not badand destructive to me.
His anger is not bad.
It's what he's doing with hisanger that's bad.

(01:09:26):
Tom says how do I learn to nothate my unwanted sexual
attraction?
You take the outgrow pornapproach.
You respond to your attractionby welcoming it, getting curious
about the story behind it,appreciating it and blessing it,
and then managing it,regulating it.
Relating to my unwanted sexualattraction like a loving parent

(01:09:52):
would relate to their own child,isn't that beautiful.
That's what we're learning howto do, and that is so much
better than behaviormodification, so much better
than self-hatred, so much betterthan living the rest of your
life in a dark room alone.
And it's so much better thanjust going with whatever your

(01:10:14):
arousal tells you to do, becauseit's often going to take you in
a destructive direction, justlike the thoughts and instincts
of children take them indestructive directions.
How can parents use this modelto teach their kids healthy
sexuality?
I think it starts with beingwilling to talk about it being

(01:10:36):
open and honest willing to talkabout it being open and honest
and then it continues intoblessing thoughts, feelings,
emotions, including the sexualones, and having boundaries
about what's okay and what's notokay, welcoming curiosity,

(01:10:57):
having an attitude where noquestion is off limits and
instead of being overlyconcerned with surface level
sexual behaviors, being moreconcerned with character
development, who are youbecoming sexually?
In purity culture, so many ofus internalized a posture that
was all about keeping the rules,but it was still very

(01:11:17):
self-centered because I wasthinking to myself how much can
I get away with sexually withoutsinning?
It's not sexually mature.
If we're concerned withmaturity instead of purity, I'm
going to be asking whatever thebehavior is, whether we believe
it's right or wrong, who am Ibecoming?
When we're concerned withdevelopment and maturity,

(01:11:42):
behaviors are not the mostimportant thing.
Knowledge, skills and attitudesbecome more important.
We focus on those.
My hope with the sexualdevelopment model is a movement
from focusing on sexual purityto focusing on sexual maturity,
and if we do that, so manypositive ripple effects are

(01:12:08):
going to follow.
Andrew's asking are thereparticular scriptures you would
use to help explain your model?
Listen to Ephesians 5.1.
Explain your model.
Listen to Ephesians 5.1.
Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children, and
walk in the way of love, just asChrist loved us and gave

(01:12:30):
himself up for us as a fragrantoffering and a sacrifice to God.
So, first of all, there's thefoundation that we are dearly
loved and that we are learninghow to walk in the way of love,
how to become love, how toembody the love of Christ.
And that's what our sexualityis for, that's what our whole
lives are for.
We are not born this way.

(01:12:51):
Knowing how to love it'ssomething that we develop over
time.
Galatians 5 would be anotherplace.
I would go to say that thefruit of the Spirit, in other
words, the result of the HolySpirit in our lives, is love,
joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, faithfulness,

(01:13:13):
gentleness and self-control andself-control.
These are attitudes and they'realso skills that we learn.
We are becoming these things.
My master's degree was inChristian spiritual formation

(01:13:35):
and the focus of that programwas all about how do we become
more like Jesus, how do we livethe Christian life and empower
others to do the same?
And ultimately, it's not aboutattraction, it's not about

(01:13:55):
behavior, it's about maturity,it's about character development
being formed in the likeness ofChrist, and that's a huge part
of what's informing all this forme.
I do think that a lot of what Ishared came from a
Christ-centered IFS perspective,and if you want to read more
about where that comes from,check out the book Boundaries

(01:14:20):
for your Soul by Alison Cook andKim Miller.
You might also check outAltogether you by Jenna
Reimersma.
Even from a Christianperspective, the idea that there
are no bad parts of us makes alot of sense, because God
created everything andeverything is good and

(01:14:40):
everything has been affected bysin, sin done to us, the sin
that we've done.
And so, rather than viewingourselves as having some good
desires and some bad desires, orsome good attractions and some
bad attractions, we can view itall as good and broken and in

(01:15:02):
need of redemption.
Our sexuality is good, oursexuality is broken and it is
being redeemed.
Initially I wanted to presentthe sexual development model as
a new side, side D, and while itmight be called that in
shorthand, ultimately I want tostop taking sides.

(01:15:25):
I want men who experienceunwanted sexual attraction to no
longer view themselves asabnormal or separate or
different fundamentally thaneverybody else, because
everybody experiences unwantedsexual attraction.
Just not everybody admits it,not everybody's willing to

(01:15:48):
explore it or process it.
I think we're on to somethinghere Certainly haven't arrived.
I never want the sexualdevelopment model to be a weapon
, something that you would useto tell somebody why they're
wrong and why you're right, butrather a posture of appreciation

(01:16:18):
as well as questioningassumptions and ultimately
helping each other grow.
For those of you who areexperiencing intense internal
conflict about your sexuality, Ihope the sexual development
model helps you take a deepbreath.
It helps you take a deep breath.

(01:16:38):
I hope it leads to a sigh ofrelief that you're human, you're
not abnormal, you're not insome special category of

(01:17:01):
unwanted sexual attraction.
Your sexuality is good andwe're all in the process of
growing and outgrowing unwantedsexual behavior, especially
pornography, and learning tobelieve the truest thing about
you, which is this you are God'sbeloved son.
In you he is well-pleased.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}The Sexual Development Model (SDM): A New Perspective on Unwanted Sexual Attraction