February 3, 2025 • 28 mins
What if Every Man’s Battle is wrong? In this episode, I share how I recently chose to “bounce my eyes” (as Every Man’s Battle teaches) and why I later regretted it. You’ll learn 3 reasons why bouncing your eyes is problematic—and what you can do instead when you see a sexually attractive person or picture.
Related Episodes:
- When You Get An Erection...
- What To Do When You See Attractive People
- Outgrowing Porn vs. Purity Culture
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa and I'mhere to show you how let's go.
Today, we are talking about theproblems with bouncing your
(00:24):
eyes, and yes, there are manyproblems.
Bouncing your eyes refers to astrategy that was made famous in
the book Every Man's Battle andEvery Young Man's Battle that I
read many years ago.
The basic concept is this whenyou see someone or something
(00:46):
that you find sexuallyattractive, immediately look
away.
In the words of Every Man'sBattle, bounce away from the
sexual like the jerk of yourhand, away from a hot stove.
And even as I say that, angerand frustration rise up in me,
(01:07):
because this advice is not onlyineffective, it's actually
unkind, and I'll explain more ofwhat I mean by that.
In this episode, you will heara story of when I recently tried
bouncing my eyes and whathappened as a result.
I'm going to share threeproblems with this strategy and
(01:29):
then, at the end, I'm going totell you exactly what you can do
instead when you see a sexuallyattractive person.
I'm going to give you a way torespond to these thoughts that
is effective and empowering.
Okay, let's start with a story.
On December 6th, I attended theColorado Springs Christmas
Parade with my two young sons,while my wife and daughter were
(01:53):
out of town.
We had so much fun.
So many different, creative,interesting floats drove past.
We enjoyed the Christmas lights, we found ways to stay warm.
It was the perfect activity.
And then one float drove alongthat featured 20 women on a
raised up platform, all wearingoutfits, with cowboy hats that
(02:19):
made them look like cowgirls.
And I thought that made themlook like cowgirls, and I
thought, oh, that's so fun,that's so cute, until I noticed
one of the women was exactly thetype of person I used to search
for pornographically on theinternet.
It was exactly the type ofperson I used to fantasize about
(02:42):
and masturbate to A tall, thin,blonde-haired woman laughing
with a smile full of braces.
It is so difficult for me evenjust to say that right now.
I know many of you have heardme talk about my story and
you've heard me talk about mysexual fetish.
Even now, there's a part of methat wants to throw up, just in
(03:06):
being vulnerable and telling youall about this, because the
truth is, even after 10 years offreedom from porn.
This still feels somewhatirresistible to me, and it
wasn't actually just the fact ofseeing someone with braces, and
it wasn't actually just thefact of seeing someone with
(03:27):
braces.
It was seeing a beautiful womandressed up in a cowgirl outfit,
with braces, and looking back,it makes so much sense that this
specific situation triggered me, because it wasn't just seeing
(03:50):
someone with braces or even abeautiful woman with braces, it
was the group of cowgirls beingpart of this celebration that
took me right back to middleschool in Dallas, texas, where
all the cheerleaders worecowgirl outfits, just like that.
Of course, in the moment Ididn't realize that, but instead
of getting curious about what Iwas feeling, instead of
allowing the about what I wasfeeling, instead of allowing the
float to pass by, I reactedvery strongly and I panicked.
(04:12):
I bounced my eyes off ofeverybody on that float and I
actually believe that was my bigmistake.
I actually believe that theproblem was not seeing these
women or feeling these feelings.
The problem was how I responded.
I didn't pause, I didn't checkin with myself, I panicked and I
(04:38):
did exactly what every man'sbattle told me to do I bounced
my eyes, I looked down at my twoboys until the float passed.
And a minute later I glancedback up after the float was far
away and I thought back to thatwoman and a part of me wanted to
(05:01):
look.
But of course by then it was toolate and I assumed that I had
successfully managed this sexualattraction.
But deep down there was a lotof energy stored in my body and
the tension I felt was onlyincreasing.
(05:23):
A few hours later I forgotabout the experience, but that
night I woke up at 1am extremelysexually aroused.
Thankfully I finally was ableto relax, calm down, go back to
sleep and then I woke up againat 3 am that same night.
(05:46):
My mind would not turn off.
I tried to shut down sexualthoughts but eventually, at 3 am
, I let them wander.
My thoughts kept going back tothe cowgirls who I knew during
middle school and high school inDallas, texas.
Some of them had braces ontheir teeth and these are the
(06:10):
girls that I used to fantasizeabout when I would masturbate.
And let me be very clear Evenjust entertaining those thoughts
and fueling the fire of thosefantasies was lust.
And as I allowed myself to lustand fueled the fire of those
fantasies was lust, and as Iallowed myself to lust and
fueled the fire of thosefantasies.
The train of sexual temptationwas speeding up faster and
(06:34):
faster.
Now, whether or not I looked atimages on the internet or
masturbated to them or accesspornography, this is what I
would call a slip, a suddenlapse in progress.
Even if it wasn't a fullrelapse, it's still significant
and it's still worth exploringand processing, because the
posture of my heart was sinfulwhether or not I went back to
(06:57):
unwanted sexual behavior.
Since then, I've processed thisexperience.
I've shared about it with mywife and I've asked myself what
happened at that Christmasparade.
Why were my sexual thoughts andfeelings so strong that night?
Where did I go wrong?
What made this different?
Because this was not the onlytime I've been sexually or
emotionally triggered lately.
(07:18):
What made this experiencedifferent is that I responded to
those triggers reflexively andreactively by bouncing my eyes.
That's something that Iresponded to those triggers
reflexively and reactively bybouncing my eyes.
That's something that I haven'tdone in years.
I haven't felt that fear andshame and looked away for a long
, long time, and I haven't feltthis level of sexual temptation
(07:39):
in the middle of the night in along, long time.
I'm convinced that this decisionto bounce my eyes was actually
part of the problem.
Let me tell you why.
Before we talk about theproblems, let's go back to the
original teaching from the bookEvery Man's Battle Winning the
War on Sexual Temptation OneVictory at a Time.
(07:59):
According to page 125, you canwin this battle by training your
eyes to bounce away from sightsof pretty women and sensual
images.
If you bounce your eyes for sixweeks, you can win this war.
The problem is that your eyeshave always bounced toward the
sexual and you've made noattempt to end this habit.
(08:19):
To combat it, you need to builda reflex action by training
your eyes to immediately bounceaway from the sexual, like the
jerk of your hand away from ahot stove.
Let's repeat that for emphasiswhen your eyes bounce toward a
woman, they must bounce awayimmediately.
There are so many problems withthis quote.
(08:43):
There are so many problems withthis quote.
First of all, the authorsassume that men are only
sexually attracted to women andthey also say the problem is
that your eyes have alwaysbounced toward the sexual.
Experiencing sexual attractionand arousal is not a problem.
They say you have made noattempt to end this habit.
(09:07):
That is also not true.
Many of us have attempted to endthe habit of giving into sexual
temptation over and over again,sometimes using a strategy like
bounce your eyes, which isultimately an example of sexual
repression, anti-sexuality, justa hostility toward this good
(09:31):
part of who we are.
When I hear the advice ofbouncing your eyes, I hear that
video of Bob Newhart pretendingto be a therapist and telling
someone just stop it, stop it.
And there are so many problemswith this approach.
Here are the three majorproblems I see with this
(09:52):
strategy for overcoming sexualtemptation known as bouncing
your eyes Number one, the rubberband rebound.
Number two, the long-termlimitations.
And number three, the covertcruelty.
Let's start with the rubber bandrebound.
Whenever you see someone who isextremely sexually attractive
(10:17):
to you, whether in person, in apicture or in a video, your body
goes into a state of hyperarousal.
You experience tension.
It's as if a rubber band isbeing stretched out and that
tension is pushing you toward arelease.
(10:40):
And until that tension isreleased, you're going to
experience a lot of discomfortand probably temptation to
sexually act out.
Here's the problem withbouncing your eyes Once that
rubber band is stretched out andit's really tense, if you
immediately look away, you don'tactually release the tension.
(11:03):
It's almost as if you stretchthe rubber band out in the other
direction because your braingoes into fight or flight.
You're still in a state ofhyper arousal.
I hope this makes sense.
This makes sense.
So if your brain is feelingreally sexually charged up and
you bounce your eyes and youthink, okay, I have to fight
(11:24):
against that or I have to runaway from that, stop thinking
about that.
You can just hear the tensioncontinuing to build.
Bouncing your eyes actuallyintensifies the sexual arousal
that you feel toward thisparticular person or picture.
Feel toward this particularperson or picture and, as a
result, sooner or later you aregoing to feel what I call the
(11:45):
rubber band rebound.
It's when you feel that sexualenergy and then you fight really
hard against it or you try torun away from it and then it
comes back with a vengeance.
And that is exactly whathappened to me the night of the
Christmas parade.
When I saw that group ofcowgirls and the woman with
(12:06):
braces standing on top of thatplatform, my brain immediately
went into fight or flight.
All of that tension in my bodydidn't go away.
I just shoved it down and for awhile it stayed dormant, until
(12:26):
in the middle of the night itcame back stronger than ever and
now my defenses are down and myenergy is low and I'm barely
conscious.
This is what I see again andagain with men who are taking
the purity culture approach totry to quit porn.
They're fighting every man'sbattle, which is frustrating and
(12:47):
exhausting.
Because of problem number two,the long-term limitations, let
me be very clear.
There are times when it is wiseand good to flee sexual
temptation, as the Bible tellsus to do, as a short-term
strategy.
For example, if I saw thecowgirl with braces later that
(13:11):
night and she winked at me, orif she was hitting on me, or if
she gave her number like, itwould not be safe for me to
continue in that conversation.
I would need to remove myselfin order to stay safe.
That's a short-term strategyand if that were to happen, I
would need to talk with someoneabout it.
(13:31):
I would need to process whathappened.
Otherwise, the energy is goingto stay trapped in my body.
The energy is going to staytrapped in my body, and the same
was true when I saw this paradefloat go by.
If I bounce my eyes like I did,that cannot be the end of the
strategy.
I'm not saying that it was wrongfor me to immediately look away
(13:55):
from the cowgirls going by onthe Christmas parade.
Look away from the cowgirlsgoing by on the Christmas parade
.
What I am saying is that was ashort-term strategy and it was
only dealing with the surfacelevel symptoms rather than going
deeper and asking the questionwhat's really going on within me
?
Why is this affecting so much?
(14:15):
Making connections betweenthese sexual thoughts and
feelings in my story.
Now, we can't always do that inthe moment, so short-term
strategies are helpful, and ifyou really want to outgrow porn,
if you really want lastingfreedom, you have to go deeper
and process what's underneath it, and I didn't do that that
(14:36):
night.
I simply resisted and repressedwhat was happening within me,
and I can now see how all ofthis unprocessed energy truly
did need a release, and what Isettled for was a sexual release
that night at 3 am.
I'm not proud to say that I hadallowed this train of sexual
(15:00):
temptation to speed up so muchthat I was not able to regulate
without some kind of sexualrelease.
It was so overwhelming for me.
In the end, I chose tomasturbate while thinking about
my wife, and I don't think itwas lustful, it's still not who
(15:21):
I want to be.
If you want long-term, lastingfreedom from porn, it requires
going deeper than just bouncingyour eyes.
I do realize that for some ofyou, bouncing your eyes has been
helpful.
I'm not saying that it's wrongto do this.
I'm saying that it's limited.
(15:42):
It's a short-term, surfacelevel strategy, but I encourage
you to think about this as moreof an emergency action step
rather than what you're going todo every single day, because
it's unsustainable, it'sfrustrating, it's exhausting.
We are not designed to operatein a constant state of
(16:06):
hypervigilance and threat.
That's part of the problem withbouncing your eyes.
This is a great strategy for acrisis and for an emergency, but
in everyday situations, likewhat was happening for me at the
Christmas parade, I don't needto set off the alarm and call in
(16:26):
all the forces.
It's more helpful to have abigger toolbox than just
bouncing your eyes.
At the end of this episode,I'll tell you some of the tools
that are in my toolbox that youcan use when you're in that
situation.
So we've talked about therubber band rebound, which is
another way of saying thatbouncing your eyes and
(16:46):
repressing sexual energyactually intensifies temptation
and puts you in this frustrating, exhausting battle.
We've also talked about thelong-term limits, because if you
want your sexual recovery to besustainable, you're going to
need to go deeper than justtrying to stop looking at
certain kinds of people orcertain kinds of stimulation.
(17:06):
And finally, one of the mostimportant problems I see with
bouncing your eyes is the covertcruelty.
I want to argue that thisstrategy is not only ineffective
for the most part.
I want to argue that thisstrategy is not only ineffective
for the most part, it's alsounkind for the most part.
Underneath this impulse toimmediately look away from
(17:31):
anyone or anything that we findto be arousing or beautiful is
self-hatred and a disdain forour sexuality, is self-hatred
and a disdain for our sexuality,and I felt that toxic shame so
strongly when I saw the cowgirlsat the Christmas parade.
I didn't look away from thosewomen out of love for them.
I looked away out of fear andout of shame, and that is really
(17:56):
not kind to me or to them.
The idea that bouncing youreyes off of a sexually
attractive person could beunkind might be hard to
understand, so I'm going to tryto explain it as clearly as I
can.
Imagine that you are the type ofman or the type of woman who
(18:18):
often receives second glances,if you have the type of face or
the type of body that peopleoften envy.
Imagine if, in your everydaylife, you often see people
looking at you for a long time,gazing at you, imagining what
(18:39):
thoughts are going through theirhead.
Of course, that's theexperience of being objectified.
There is a less obviousobjectification that takes place
when you're going through yourdaily life and everyone's
looking away from you, whenyou're having conversations with
people in a casual setting andthey can't look you in the eyes
(19:03):
or they're just avoiding you allthe time.
I know that people feelobjectified when they can sense
that someone's using themsexually.
Yet at the same time, peoplefeel objectified and dehumanized
when someone's always trying tostop thinking about them
sexually.
Imagine what it would be likeif many of the people with whom
(19:27):
you interact on an everydaybasis saw you as a threat and a
source of sexual temptation andthey related to you with
avoidance or distance or noteven acknowledging that you
exist.
This is a real problem.
(19:47):
There is an appropriate contextfor noticing that someone's
outfit looks really good.
There's an appropriate contextfor saying hi and having a small
talk with someone who's reallysexually attractive and there's
also a dangerous context forthat.
So we need to have the wisdomto know the difference.
For me, on December 6th, atthat Christmas parade, there was
(20:11):
an appropriate context for meto see the women up there on
that platform wearing theircowgirl outfits.
I mean, at some level theywanted to be celebrated.
That's why they're up there.
I didn't need to squash mycharged up feelings.
I could simply let this floatof the parade slowly move past
(20:37):
me, see it, notice it,acknowledge it and let it pass.
Instead, I took a militantstance of locking down anything
that could have been coming upwithin me and I suffered the
(21:00):
consequences later.
If I'm ashamed of anything fromthat night, it's of my
immaturity and inability toappreciate the beauty that was
set before me in a healthy,God-honoring way.
It's not objectifying and it'snot predatory to notice that
(21:20):
someone's beautiful, to see thatthey have a beautiful smile, to
enjoy the clothes that they'rewearing, to see them move past
you like a float on a parade,let that come and then let it go
.
This is a very differentapproach than the approach of
(21:41):
bouncing your eyes, which isrooted in fear, shame, control
and purity culture.
And, if you want to be a personwho lives in Christ-like love.
We need to take a differentapproach.
Lust is about taking and using.
Love is about sharing andreceiving in healthy,
(22:06):
appropriate ways.
I want to argue that theopposite of lust is not purity
in the sense of the absence ofbad behaviors.
The opposite of lust isChrist-like love, the presence
of appreciation, honor, dignityand love.
(22:28):
And if you want an alternativeto bouncing your eyes, then let
me tell you what I wished I haddone at the Christmas parade.
This is something you can dowhen you see a sexually
attractive person.
I wish I had taken my ownadvice and practiced BOA B-O-A
(22:49):
which stands for breathe,observe, attune.
This is one of the techniquesthat we teach at Husband
Material Academy and I want towalk you through exactly how it
could have helped me and how itcan help you whenever you see a
sexually attractive person orpicture.
First, I wish I had breathed.
I wish I had taken a few deepbreaths.
(23:12):
Breathing is our superpower forself-regulation and it
contributes to releasing tension.
Remember how I talked aboutthat rubber band.
Breathing allows you to relax.
It welcomes connectionregulation.
It is the quickest, mosteffective, most efficient way to
(23:35):
calm your body when you'rehyper aroused and to wake
yourself up when you're numb orshutting down.
So I wish I had breathed.
When you breathe, you work withyour sexuality instead of
against it.
You work with your body insteadof against it.
(23:57):
So that's the first thing thatyou can do when you see a
sexually attractive person Justbreathe.
Second, I wished I had practicedmindfulness, non-judgmental
observation, noticing hmm, thosewomen are really attractive.
Wow, that one right in themiddle is smiling and laughing
(24:24):
and she has braces on her teeth.
Whoa, that really affects meright now.
Nonjudgmental observation bothapplies to what I'm feeling on
the inside Okay, I'm feelingsexually aroused.
I'm also feeling scared, I'mfeeling shame and it also
applies to externalcircumstances, like, okay, I'm
(24:44):
watching the Christmas paradeand this float is going by.
Now it's getting closer, nowit's getting farther away.
This simple mindful observationcan really de-escalate the
strength of the arousal we feel.
Notice how this doesn't takeyour brain into fight or flight.
(25:05):
This doesn't put you in abattle against yourself.
It's more about being withyourself, and that's a very
different approach.
And the last thing I wish I haddone is attunement.
I wish I had attuned to my ownheart and say Drew, what is
(25:25):
underneath this for you?
What do you really need rightnow?
What is the desire underneaththis arousal?
Where is this coming from inyour story?
Wow, at the Christmas parade Ididn't have the presence of mind
or the healing for this part ofmy story to be able to process,
that I wish I had come back toit later and journaled or talked
(25:50):
to a friend.
These three steps breathe,observe, attune can be done in
10 minutes or they can even bedone in 10 seconds.
For example, okay, I see asexually attractive person and
I'm going to be away.
I feel very uncomfortable rightnow.
Hmm, what's underneath that andwhat do I need right now?
(26:14):
There you go, 10 seconds, myfriend.
I hope this gives you hopebecause there is a better way to
respond that's not based onfear and shame.
It's based on love for yourselfand for others, even the type
of people that you find sexuallyattractive.
(26:37):
Outgrowing porn is not aboutbattling your sexuality.
It's about befriending yoursexuality.
So maybe next time you see aperson or a picture that
sexually triggers you, insteadof bouncing your eyes, be with
(26:59):
whatever's coming up for you.
Take a few deep breaths.
You don't need to immediatelylook away, but mindfully observe
what's happening around you,what's happening within you and
attune to your own heart.
Find out what's going on at adeeper level.
(27:21):
Instead of bouncing your eyes,practice BOA, b-o-a Breathe,
observe, attune.
Bouncing your eyes isineffective.
It's anti-sexual.
Boa is effective, it'sempowering and it's loving.
(27:42):
I realize it's easier to talkabout this than to do it, and my
experience on December 6th isevidence of that.
Even after 10 years of freedomfrom porn and significant sexual
sobriety, I'm still learninghow to do this with you guys,
(28:03):
and that's not an obligation,that's an opportunity, it's a
gift for me to discover more ofmy own heart, heal even more and
get even more freedom.
My friend, I hope it's clearthat I am in this adventure with
you.
I'm still learning, I'm stillgrowing, and everything I just
(28:24):
told you is something that I'mactively working on.
No matter where you are on thisjourney, it's not easy, it
takes practice and sometimes itfeels impossible.
So, no matter where you are onthis journey, I want to remind
you that right now, exactly asyou are, you are God's beloved
(28:48):
son and in you he iswell-pleased.
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa and I'mhere to show you how let's go.
Today, we are talking about theproblems with bouncing your
(00:24):
eyes, and yes, there are manyproblems.
Bouncing your eyes refers to astrategy that was made famous in
the book Every Man's Battle andEvery Young Man's Battle that I
read many years ago.
The basic concept is this whenyou see someone or something
(00:46):
that you find sexuallyattractive, immediately look
away.
In the words of Every Man'sBattle, bounce away from the
sexual like the jerk of yourhand, away from a hot stove.
And even as I say that, angerand frustration rise up in me,
(01:07):
because this advice is not onlyineffective, it's actually
unkind, and I'll explain more ofwhat I mean by that.
In this episode, you will heara story of when I recently tried
bouncing my eyes and whathappened as a result.
I'm going to share threeproblems with this strategy and
(01:29):
then, at the end, I'm going totell you exactly what you can do
instead when you see a sexuallyattractive person.
I'm going to give you a way torespond to these thoughts that
is effective and empowering.
Okay, let's start with a story.
On December 6th, I attended theColorado Springs Christmas
Parade with my two young sons,while my wife and daughter were
(01:53):
out of town.
We had so much fun.
So many different, creative,interesting floats drove past.
We enjoyed the Christmas lights, we found ways to stay warm.
It was the perfect activity.
And then one float drove alongthat featured 20 women on a
raised up platform, all wearingoutfits, with cowboy hats that
(02:19):
made them look like cowgirls.
And I thought that made themlook like cowgirls, and I
thought, oh, that's so fun,that's so cute, until I noticed
one of the women was exactly thetype of person I used to search
for pornographically on theinternet.
It was exactly the type ofperson I used to fantasize about
(02:42):
and masturbate to A tall, thin,blonde-haired woman laughing
with a smile full of braces.
It is so difficult for me evenjust to say that right now.
I know many of you have heardme talk about my story and
you've heard me talk about mysexual fetish.
Even now, there's a part of methat wants to throw up, just in
(03:06):
being vulnerable and telling youall about this, because the
truth is, even after 10 years offreedom from porn.
This still feels somewhatirresistible to me, and it
wasn't actually just the fact ofseeing someone with braces, and
it wasn't actually just thefact of seeing someone with
(03:27):
braces.
It was seeing a beautiful womandressed up in a cowgirl outfit,
with braces, and looking back,it makes so much sense that this
specific situation triggered me, because it wasn't just seeing
(03:50):
someone with braces or even abeautiful woman with braces, it
was the group of cowgirls beingpart of this celebration that
took me right back to middleschool in Dallas, texas, where
all the cheerleaders worecowgirl outfits, just like that.
Of course, in the moment Ididn't realize that, but instead
of getting curious about what Iwas feeling, instead of
allowing the about what I wasfeeling, instead of allowing the
float to pass by, I reactedvery strongly and I panicked.
(04:12):
I bounced my eyes off ofeverybody on that float and I
actually believe that was my bigmistake.
I actually believe that theproblem was not seeing these
women or feeling these feelings.
The problem was how I responded.
I didn't pause, I didn't checkin with myself, I panicked and I
(04:38):
did exactly what every man'sbattle told me to do I bounced
my eyes, I looked down at my twoboys until the float passed.
And a minute later I glancedback up after the float was far
away and I thought back to thatwoman and a part of me wanted to
(05:01):
look.
But of course by then it was toolate and I assumed that I had
successfully managed this sexualattraction.
But deep down there was a lotof energy stored in my body and
the tension I felt was onlyincreasing.
(05:23):
A few hours later I forgotabout the experience, but that
night I woke up at 1am extremelysexually aroused.
Thankfully I finally was ableto relax, calm down, go back to
sleep and then I woke up againat 3 am that same night.
(05:46):
My mind would not turn off.
I tried to shut down sexualthoughts but eventually, at 3 am
, I let them wander.
My thoughts kept going back tothe cowgirls who I knew during
middle school and high school inDallas, texas.
Some of them had braces ontheir teeth and these are the
(06:10):
girls that I used to fantasizeabout when I would masturbate.
And let me be very clear Evenjust entertaining those thoughts
and fueling the fire of thosefantasies was lust.
And as I allowed myself to lustand fueled the fire of those
fantasies was lust, and as Iallowed myself to lust and
fueled the fire of thosefantasies.
The train of sexual temptationwas speeding up faster and
(06:34):
faster.
Now, whether or not I looked atimages on the internet or
masturbated to them or accesspornography, this is what I
would call a slip, a suddenlapse in progress.
Even if it wasn't a fullrelapse, it's still significant
and it's still worth exploringand processing, because the
posture of my heart was sinfulwhether or not I went back to
(06:57):
unwanted sexual behavior.
Since then, I've processed thisexperience.
I've shared about it with mywife and I've asked myself what
happened at that Christmasparade.
Why were my sexual thoughts andfeelings so strong that night?
Where did I go wrong?
What made this different?
Because this was not the onlytime I've been sexually or
emotionally triggered lately.
(07:18):
What made this experiencedifferent is that I responded to
those triggers reflexively andreactively by bouncing my eyes.
That's something that Iresponded to those triggers
reflexively and reactively bybouncing my eyes.
That's something that I haven'tdone in years.
I haven't felt that fear andshame and looked away for a long
, long time, and I haven't feltthis level of sexual temptation
(07:39):
in the middle of the night in along, long time.
I'm convinced that this decisionto bounce my eyes was actually
part of the problem.
Let me tell you why.
Before we talk about theproblems, let's go back to the
original teaching from the bookEvery Man's Battle Winning the
War on Sexual Temptation OneVictory at a Time.
(07:59):
According to page 125, you canwin this battle by training your
eyes to bounce away from sightsof pretty women and sensual
images.
If you bounce your eyes for sixweeks, you can win this war.
The problem is that your eyeshave always bounced toward the
sexual and you've made noattempt to end this habit.
(08:19):
To combat it, you need to builda reflex action by training
your eyes to immediately bounceaway from the sexual, like the
jerk of your hand away from ahot stove.
Let's repeat that for emphasiswhen your eyes bounce toward a
woman, they must bounce awayimmediately.
There are so many problems withthis quote.
(08:43):
There are so many problems withthis quote.
First of all, the authorsassume that men are only
sexually attracted to women andthey also say the problem is
that your eyes have alwaysbounced toward the sexual.
Experiencing sexual attractionand arousal is not a problem.
They say you have made noattempt to end this habit.
(09:07):
That is also not true.
Many of us have attempted to endthe habit of giving into sexual
temptation over and over again,sometimes using a strategy like
bounce your eyes, which isultimately an example of sexual
repression, anti-sexuality, justa hostility toward this good
(09:31):
part of who we are.
When I hear the advice ofbouncing your eyes, I hear that
video of Bob Newhart pretendingto be a therapist and telling
someone just stop it, stop it.
And there are so many problemswith this approach.
Here are the three majorproblems I see with this
(09:52):
strategy for overcoming sexualtemptation known as bouncing
your eyes Number one, the rubberband rebound.
Number two, the long-termlimitations.
And number three, the covertcruelty.
Let's start with the rubber bandrebound.
Whenever you see someone who isextremely sexually attractive
(10:17):
to you, whether in person, in apicture or in a video, your body
goes into a state of hyperarousal.
You experience tension.
It's as if a rubber band isbeing stretched out and that
tension is pushing you toward arelease.
(10:40):
And until that tension isreleased, you're going to
experience a lot of discomfortand probably temptation to
sexually act out.
Here's the problem withbouncing your eyes Once that
rubber band is stretched out andit's really tense, if you
immediately look away, you don'tactually release the tension.
(11:03):
It's almost as if you stretchthe rubber band out in the other
direction because your braingoes into fight or flight.
You're still in a state ofhyper arousal.
I hope this makes sense.
This makes sense.
So if your brain is feelingreally sexually charged up and
you bounce your eyes and youthink, okay, I have to fight
(11:24):
against that or I have to runaway from that, stop thinking
about that.
You can just hear the tensioncontinuing to build.
Bouncing your eyes actuallyintensifies the sexual arousal
that you feel toward thisparticular person or picture.
Feel toward this particularperson or picture and, as a
result, sooner or later you aregoing to feel what I call the
(11:45):
rubber band rebound.
It's when you feel that sexualenergy and then you fight really
hard against it or you try torun away from it and then it
comes back with a vengeance.
And that is exactly whathappened to me the night of the
Christmas parade.
When I saw that group ofcowgirls and the woman with
(12:06):
braces standing on top of thatplatform, my brain immediately
went into fight or flight.
All of that tension in my bodydidn't go away.
I just shoved it down and for awhile it stayed dormant, until
(12:26):
in the middle of the night itcame back stronger than ever and
now my defenses are down and myenergy is low and I'm barely
conscious.
This is what I see again andagain with men who are taking
the purity culture approach totry to quit porn.
They're fighting every man'sbattle, which is frustrating and
(12:47):
exhausting.
Because of problem number two,the long-term limitations, let
me be very clear.
There are times when it is wiseand good to flee sexual
temptation, as the Bible tellsus to do, as a short-term
strategy.
For example, if I saw thecowgirl with braces later that
(13:11):
night and she winked at me, orif she was hitting on me, or if
she gave her number like, itwould not be safe for me to
continue in that conversation.
I would need to remove myselfin order to stay safe.
That's a short-term strategyand if that were to happen, I
would need to talk with someoneabout it.
(13:31):
I would need to process whathappened.
Otherwise, the energy is goingto stay trapped in my body.
The energy is going to staytrapped in my body, and the same
was true when I saw this paradefloat go by.
If I bounce my eyes like I did,that cannot be the end of the
strategy.
I'm not saying that it was wrongfor me to immediately look away
(13:55):
from the cowgirls going by onthe Christmas parade.
Look away from the cowgirlsgoing by on the Christmas parade
.
What I am saying is that was ashort-term strategy and it was
only dealing with the surfacelevel symptoms rather than going
deeper and asking the questionwhat's really going on within me
?
Why is this affecting so much?
(14:15):
Making connections betweenthese sexual thoughts and
feelings in my story.
Now, we can't always do that inthe moment, so short-term
strategies are helpful, and ifyou really want to outgrow porn,
if you really want lastingfreedom, you have to go deeper
and process what's underneath it, and I didn't do that that
(14:36):
night.
I simply resisted and repressedwhat was happening within me,
and I can now see how all ofthis unprocessed energy truly
did need a release, and what Isettled for was a sexual release
that night at 3 am.
I'm not proud to say that I hadallowed this train of sexual
(15:00):
temptation to speed up so muchthat I was not able to regulate
without some kind of sexualrelease.
It was so overwhelming for me.
In the end, I chose tomasturbate while thinking about
my wife, and I don't think itwas lustful, it's still not who
(15:21):
I want to be.
If you want long-term, lastingfreedom from porn, it requires
going deeper than just bouncingyour eyes.
I do realize that for some ofyou, bouncing your eyes has been
helpful.
I'm not saying that it's wrongto do this.
I'm saying that it's limited.
(15:42):
It's a short-term, surfacelevel strategy, but I encourage
you to think about this as moreof an emergency action step
rather than what you're going todo every single day, because
it's unsustainable, it'sfrustrating, it's exhausting.
We are not designed to operatein a constant state of
(16:06):
hypervigilance and threat.
That's part of the problem withbouncing your eyes.
This is a great strategy for acrisis and for an emergency, but
in everyday situations, likewhat was happening for me at the
Christmas parade, I don't needto set off the alarm and call in
(16:26):
all the forces.
It's more helpful to have abigger toolbox than just
bouncing your eyes.
At the end of this episode,I'll tell you some of the tools
that are in my toolbox that youcan use when you're in that
situation.
So we've talked about therubber band rebound, which is
another way of saying thatbouncing your eyes and
(16:46):
repressing sexual energyactually intensifies temptation
and puts you in this frustrating, exhausting battle.
We've also talked about thelong-term limits, because if you
want your sexual recovery to besustainable, you're going to
need to go deeper than justtrying to stop looking at
certain kinds of people orcertain kinds of stimulation.
(17:06):
And finally, one of the mostimportant problems I see with
bouncing your eyes is the covertcruelty.
I want to argue that thisstrategy is not only ineffective
for the most part.
I want to argue that thisstrategy is not only ineffective
for the most part, it's alsounkind for the most part.
Underneath this impulse toimmediately look away from
(17:31):
anyone or anything that we findto be arousing or beautiful is
self-hatred and a disdain forour sexuality, is self-hatred
and a disdain for our sexuality,and I felt that toxic shame so
strongly when I saw the cowgirlsat the Christmas parade.
I didn't look away from thosewomen out of love for them.
I looked away out of fear andout of shame, and that is really
(17:56):
not kind to me or to them.
The idea that bouncing youreyes off of a sexually
attractive person could beunkind might be hard to
understand, so I'm going to tryto explain it as clearly as I
can.
Imagine that you are the type ofman or the type of woman who
(18:18):
often receives second glances,if you have the type of face or
the type of body that peopleoften envy.
Imagine if, in your everydaylife, you often see people
looking at you for a long time,gazing at you, imagining what
(18:39):
thoughts are going through theirhead.
Of course, that's theexperience of being objectified.
There is a less obviousobjectification that takes place
when you're going through yourdaily life and everyone's
looking away from you, whenyou're having conversations with
people in a casual setting andthey can't look you in the eyes
(19:03):
or they're just avoiding you allthe time.
I know that people feelobjectified when they can sense
that someone's using themsexually.
Yet at the same time, peoplefeel objectified and dehumanized
when someone's always trying tostop thinking about them
sexually.
Imagine what it would be likeif many of the people with whom
(19:27):
you interact on an everydaybasis saw you as a threat and a
source of sexual temptation andthey related to you with
avoidance or distance or noteven acknowledging that you
exist.
This is a real problem.
(19:47):
There is an appropriate contextfor noticing that someone's
outfit looks really good.
There's an appropriate contextfor saying hi and having a small
talk with someone who's reallysexually attractive and there's
also a dangerous context forthat.
So we need to have the wisdomto know the difference.
For me, on December 6th, atthat Christmas parade, there was
(20:11):
an appropriate context for meto see the women up there on
that platform wearing theircowgirl outfits.
I mean, at some level theywanted to be celebrated.
That's why they're up there.
I didn't need to squash mycharged up feelings.
I could simply let this floatof the parade slowly move past
(20:37):
me, see it, notice it,acknowledge it and let it pass.
Instead, I took a militantstance of locking down anything
that could have been coming upwithin me and I suffered the
(21:00):
consequences later.
If I'm ashamed of anything fromthat night, it's of my
immaturity and inability toappreciate the beauty that was
set before me in a healthy,God-honoring way.
It's not objectifying and it'snot predatory to notice that
(21:20):
someone's beautiful, to see thatthey have a beautiful smile, to
enjoy the clothes that they'rewearing, to see them move past
you like a float on a parade,let that come and then let it go
.
This is a very differentapproach than the approach of
(21:41):
bouncing your eyes, which isrooted in fear, shame, control
and purity culture.
And, if you want to be a personwho lives in Christ-like love.
We need to take a differentapproach.
Lust is about taking and using.
Love is about sharing andreceiving in healthy,
(22:06):
appropriate ways.
I want to argue that theopposite of lust is not purity
in the sense of the absence ofbad behaviors.
The opposite of lust isChrist-like love, the presence
of appreciation, honor, dignityand love.
(22:28):
And if you want an alternativeto bouncing your eyes, then let
me tell you what I wished I haddone at the Christmas parade.
This is something you can dowhen you see a sexually
attractive person.
I wish I had taken my ownadvice and practiced BOA B-O-A
(22:49):
which stands for breathe,observe, attune.
This is one of the techniquesthat we teach at Husband
Material Academy and I want towalk you through exactly how it
could have helped me and how itcan help you whenever you see a
sexually attractive person orpicture.
First, I wish I had breathed.
I wish I had taken a few deepbreaths.
(23:12):
Breathing is our superpower forself-regulation and it
contributes to releasing tension.
Remember how I talked aboutthat rubber band.
Breathing allows you to relax.
It welcomes connectionregulation.
It is the quickest, mosteffective, most efficient way to
(23:35):
calm your body when you'rehyper aroused and to wake
yourself up when you're numb orshutting down.
So I wish I had breathed.
When you breathe, you work withyour sexuality instead of
against it.
You work with your body insteadof against it.
(23:57):
So that's the first thing thatyou can do when you see a
sexually attractive person Justbreathe.
Second, I wished I had practicedmindfulness, non-judgmental
observation, noticing hmm, thosewomen are really attractive.
Wow, that one right in themiddle is smiling and laughing
(24:24):
and she has braces on her teeth.
Whoa, that really affects meright now.
Nonjudgmental observation bothapplies to what I'm feeling on
the inside Okay, I'm feelingsexually aroused.
I'm also feeling scared, I'mfeeling shame and it also
applies to externalcircumstances, like, okay, I'm
(24:44):
watching the Christmas paradeand this float is going by.
Now it's getting closer, nowit's getting farther away.
This simple mindful observationcan really de-escalate the
strength of the arousal we feel.
Notice how this doesn't takeyour brain into fight or flight.
(25:05):
This doesn't put you in abattle against yourself.
It's more about being withyourself, and that's a very
different approach.
And the last thing I wish I haddone is attunement.
I wish I had attuned to my ownheart and say Drew, what is
(25:25):
underneath this for you?
What do you really need rightnow?
What is the desire underneaththis arousal?
Where is this coming from inyour story?
Wow, at the Christmas parade Ididn't have the presence of mind
or the healing for this part ofmy story to be able to process,
that I wish I had come back toit later and journaled or talked
(25:50):
to a friend.
These three steps breathe,observe, attune can be done in
10 minutes or they can even bedone in 10 seconds.
For example, okay, I see asexually attractive person and
I'm going to be away.
I feel very uncomfortable rightnow.
Hmm, what's underneath that andwhat do I need right now?
(26:14):
There you go, 10 seconds, myfriend.
I hope this gives you hopebecause there is a better way to
respond that's not based onfear and shame.
It's based on love for yourselfand for others, even the type
of people that you find sexuallyattractive.
(26:37):
Outgrowing porn is not aboutbattling your sexuality.
It's about befriending yoursexuality.
So maybe next time you see aperson or a picture that
sexually triggers you, insteadof bouncing your eyes, be with
(26:59):
whatever's coming up for you.
Take a few deep breaths.
You don't need to immediatelylook away, but mindfully observe
what's happening around you,what's happening within you and
attune to your own heart.
Find out what's going on at adeeper level.
(27:21):
Instead of bouncing your eyes,practice BOA, b-o-a Breathe,
observe, attune.
Bouncing your eyes isineffective.
It's anti-sexual.
Boa is effective, it'sempowering and it's loving.
(27:42):
I realize it's easier to talkabout this than to do it, and my
experience on December 6th isevidence of that.
Even after 10 years of freedomfrom porn and significant sexual
sobriety, I'm still learninghow to do this with you guys,
(28:03):
and that's not an obligation,that's an opportunity, it's a
gift for me to discover more ofmy own heart, heal even more and
get even more freedom.
My friend, I hope it's clearthat I am in this adventure with
you.
I'm still learning, I'm stillgrowing, and everything I just
(28:24):
told you is something that I'mactively working on.
No matter where you are on thisjourney, it's not easy, it
takes practice and sometimes itfeels impossible.
So, no matter where you are onthis journey, I want to remind
you that right now, exactly asyou are, you are God's beloved
(28:48):
son and in you he iswell-pleased.
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