January 13, 2025 • 40 mins
Learn how external & internal family systems have shaped your sexuality—and what's happening inside you when you feel the pull of pornography. This episode was recorded at "HMA In A Day" as a preview of the Husband Material Academy video course.
Watch the video here.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, my name is Drew Boa.
I'm the founder of HusbandMaterial, where I help men
outgrow porn.
Today's episode is all abouthow to process your past,
specifically by looking at yourexternal family system, like
your mom, your dad, yoursiblings and your internal
family system the many differentemotions, thoughts and feelings
(00:22):
that are within you and byprocessing these things you can
get so much clarity about howyour sexuality developed and
what healing could look like.
This teaching was originallyrecorded last summer at the HMA
in a day workshop and it givesyou a preview of the HMA husband
material academy video course.
Right, the doors to HMA areopen.
(00:45):
We only open up the programtwice a year, once in January
and once in July.
If you're interested inlearning more or in joining HMA,
go to joinhmacom, and if you'relistening to this as a podcast,
you may want to go down to thelink in the description to watch
the video, because some of whatI'm teaching here is going to
be very visual.
Again, this is a preview of theHusband Material Academy video
(01:08):
course.
Hope you enjoy it.
Processing the past so now thatyou've hopefully come to a
place, through session one andtwo, where you're seeing your
sexual thoughts and feelings andyour emotional struggles as
(01:28):
trailheads into deeper healing?
How do you get to know andunderstand the past that led you
here?
Let me say it a different wayhow can you fully understand
this boy who was exploited byporn and who became attached to
(01:54):
different sexual behaviors?
You know?
How do you make sense of whathappened to you when you were a
kid and what didn't happen,maybe what should have happened,
and not only understanding that, but redeveloping what you
(02:15):
didn't get so that you can be asexually, emotionally,
spiritually mature man of God.
That's what we're going intotoday.
A sexually, emotionally,spiritually mature man of God.
That's what we're going intotoday.
We're talking about sexualdevelopment.
Many of us don't even know whatthe stages of sexual
(02:36):
development are, because so manyof us grew up in a home and a
culture where sex just wasn'ttalked about.
We didn't feel like it was safe.
We didn't have models of youknow, all right, what is my
penis?
What is it for?
How do you approachrelationships with other boys,
with other girls?
So many of us lacked guidanceand support in this area and, as
(03:02):
a result, our sexualdevelopment got stuck.
Here's a little question foryou when do you think sexual
development begins?
Puberty, childhood.
I think it actually begins evenbefore birth.
Sexual development is alreadystarting to be shaped by
(03:25):
experiences in the womb and infact, I would argue that it's
already being shaped by thestories of your parents and your
grandparents.
That's already setting thestage for your sexual
development by creating the soilthat you grew up in.
Our sexuality develops in ourfamily, as weird as that may
(03:47):
sound.
So let me just ask you what aresome words you would use to
describe your family Put it inthe chat your family of origin
(04:07):
when you were growing up?
Rigid, emotionally constipated,broken, dysfunctional, detached
, troubled, abusive,manipulative, fake, judgmental,
closed off, sexualized, loving Isee loving in there Shut down,
(04:27):
disengaged, chaotic, stuffedemotions, sarcastic, punishing,
shame-filled, unstable, lookinggood on the outside, sick on the
inside they tried their bestUnsafe, toxic, lonely, loving,
(04:50):
compassionate, unhealthy I wantto encourage you, as you're
naming some of these things, touse the word and so my family
was unhealthy and loving.
They provided for me physicallyand they neglected me
emotionally and sexually, Ratherthan using the word, but that
(05:13):
just throws a big but all overeverything and invalidates
whatever you just said.
So we want to hold both sidesof the good and the bad and the
ugly Using the word, and thereis a very predictable family
background that creates theconditions for porn and fantasy
(05:36):
and masturbation to become asecret life.
And that system externally inour creates an internal system.
So in this session, processingthe Past, we're going to talk
about our external familysystems and we're going to talk
about our internal familysystems, because that is the
(06:00):
soil where our sexualitydevelops and this will be very
interactive.
I want to encourage you to getout a piece of paper and a pen,
if you have one.
If you don't, that's okay, youcan just type on your computer
and we're going to look at thesystems that set us up to
(06:24):
struggle sexually.
We've got some work to do.
We've got some good processingto do.
There are three big categoriesin HMA, unit 5 that can help us
make sense of our story and oursexuality that I want to
(06:44):
highlight here.
Our story and our sexualitythat I want to highlight here.
One is abandonment, two isenmeshment and three is abuse.
So abandonment is what happenswhen your family is not
connected or close, wheneverybody feels far away, when
(07:07):
it should feel like a supportive, nurturing place where you can
come for a refuge, you can beknown and loved and seen at an
emotional heart level.
Many of us grew up in familiesthat were disconnected, where we
were abandoned Could beabandoned physically family
(07:29):
members who just weren't thereor who were working all the time
or just totally disengaged offin their own world.
Could be abandoned emotionallywhere you talked all the time
but it never got deep.
Could be abandoned sexuallywhere that just wasn't even
talked about at all.
You could be abandoned sexuallywhere that just wasn't even
talked about at all.
You could be abandonedacademically.
You could be abandonedathletically.
(07:52):
There's so many areas ofabandonment and neglect that we
often don't realize because wejust thought it was normal.
It was just normal to come homefrom school and be by myself
for hours every single day.
It was just normal to never askanyone, ask how I'm really
doing.
Abandonment is huge andwhatever connection we lacked,
(08:15):
oftentimes we seek out,symbolically and sexually, the
connection that we didn't get.
How have you experiencedabandonment?
If abandonment refers torelationships that are not close
enough, enmeshment refers torelationships that are too close
(08:39):
, that are icky, grossRelationships, that are taking
something from you when they'rereally supposed to be giving
something to you.
Many of us are also not awareof enmeshment because we just
thought it was normal.
But enmeshment often happenswith a parent who is using a
(09:00):
child to meet their needs ratherthan meeting the child's needs.
This often happens if dad istotally disconnected from mom.
Well, it's often the case thatmom will turn to her son for the
relationship that she should behaving with her husband, where
(09:22):
she needs the boy.
This is often a setup forpornography, because it's easy
for boys who grow up enmeshed towant a place to separate and
get away and for a relationshipwith a woman or another person.
(09:44):
It just feels like too much,it's overwhelming needy.
There's so much pressure thatthey're looking for a
relationship that doesn't askanything in return.
So porn can provide a sense ofconnection and porn can also
provide a sense of separation,and porn can also provide a
sense of separation.
(10:06):
This can be referred to ascovert incest or emotional
incest, where maybe you feltlike you had to be the person
that your family needed.
Kids are not supposed to beneeded.
They're supposed to be wanted,delighted in, loved, cherished,
but not needed Not needed in asense of needing to be used.
(10:29):
If you grew up as a trophy son,perhaps do you realize that you
were objectified.
A trophy is an object, not aperson.
Could it be that what youinterpreted as love was actually
(10:50):
you being used to support yourmom or your dad, or the family
image?
What parents need to do is lovetheir kids and then ask for
nothing in return, expectnothing in return, and that's
oftentimes what pornsymbolically provides Giving you
something that you want andneed and then saying and there
are no strings attached, you canturn off the screen whenever
you want.
So there's a version of freedomin there, there's a version of
(11:10):
connection, there's a version offreedom that's provided by the
sexual stimulation that we'veoften turned to.
(11:30):
And, lastly, the one that takesmen an average of over 20 years
to realize is abuse.
As we've said in session.
Two, being introduced to pornas an early age is childhood
sexual abuse, and also, the vastmajority of us were emotionally
abused, yelled at, called names, shamed, intimidated, bullied,
(11:52):
and that's abuse.
Some of us were physicallyabused as well Spanked, beaten,
whipped.
Many of us were bullied, andporn is an abuser, one that we
keep coming back to.
So, in order to really processhow you got to where you are
(12:14):
sexually, these categories areincredibly important.
Jay Stringer goes into them moredeeply in Unwanted as well.
You find it more in HMA,abandonment, enmeshment and
abuse.
If you have a story ofabandonment, the need you feel
is for connection.
If you have a story ofenmeshment, the need you feel is
for freedom.
If you have a story of abuse,the need you feel is for
(12:36):
redemption, and that's why manyof us replay our abuse sexually,
because there's somethingunfinished there, there's
something incomplete there andit needs redemption.
We're going to talk more aboutredemption in session four.
Oftentimes, if you're reenactingyour trauma, it's this part of
you that wants redemption.
It's going back there becausethere needs to be something done
to change what happened, toredeem what happened, and when
(13:00):
you can experience that in reallife, wow.
And when you can experiencethat in real life, wow.
Born loses its power.
So these are some of the majorthemes to explore.
(13:22):
I want to invite you to dosomething a little bit different
now, and if you can't do this,that's okay.
I want you to draw a picture ofyourself growing up in your
family.
I'm going to show you anexample.
For me, this is little Drew,age three, sitting in front of a
(14:01):
TV screen watching the LionKing for hours, while my mom is
working in the other room.
My hockey stick is lying on thefloor, because my dad is also
not there at all, but if he wasthere I would want to play
hockey with him here I am.
My only connection, my onlycompanion, is the TV screen.
(14:32):
I was raised by screens.
My most secure attachment waswith screens.
My imagination was captured byscreens Movies, tv shows, video
games, later porn.
And in this picture I seeabandonment.
I see myself growing upthinking that neglecting my
(14:54):
needs was normal, not reallyworthy of someone's face or
heart.
I'm just fine by myself.
And at the same time I seesomething beautiful here,
because this little Drew isbeing inspired by what he sees
on the screen, by these storiesof heroes, stories of rescue,
(15:24):
dreaming about being a hero orwhatever my own life might turn
into.
So this is my picture that Idrew.
You don't have to be a goodartist.
I want you to take some time tojust draw and and draw what it
(15:47):
felt like.
Maybe certain characters inyour story feel really big.
Draw them big.
Maybe somebody feels dangerous.
Maybe you want to use a colorlike red to indicate that danger
(16:08):
.
Or maybe somebody feels coldand distant.
You want to use a color likered to indicate that danger.
Or maybe somebody feels coldand distant.
You want to use blue.
I'm going to show you one moreexample of a drawing that you
can do.
If you want to do something alittle bit more diagrammy,
here's another one that I drew.
(16:28):
This is just an example.
You see, mom is too close.
There's a big red red jaggedline here, feeling like feeling
invaded upon by mom.
Dad is distant, god is distantWith a brother.
(16:53):
In this story there's adistance, but there's also
something hurtful too with thered.
For many of us, a grandparentwas a safe person, and so I put
grandma over here.
You might want to indicate thatperhaps For some of us, a dog,
(17:14):
a dog or a pet was a loving,connected, consistent presence
that we didn't find in otherpeople.
You could have some neutralrelationships or pure
relationships, so I want toinvite you to draw something
like this relationships or peerrelationships.
So I want to invite you to drawsomething like this, either
like this one or the other onethat I drew, and take some time
(17:36):
to get into that little boy'sworld.
Let him show you what he wentthrough.
You may be tempted to compareyour story to others.
(17:57):
Don't do that.
What you went through is valid.
Everyone thinks somebody elsehad it worse.
What makes an event traumaticis not how severe it was, but
(18:19):
how fully it was processed ornot, and so even pain that you
might think of as small if itwas left unhealed, it got
infected and it could still needa surgery years later, just as
much as an open, gaping gash.
So I just want to validate yourstory, whatever it is, and
(18:45):
acknowledge that whatever yoursexual struggle is didn't start
with you.
I'll give you a few more minutesto draw if you're drawing, and
if you're not drawing, you canjust ask okay, who felt close to
me when I was a kid?
Who felt distant?
(19:08):
Relationship was confusing ordisturbing?
Where did I experienceenmeshment, abandonment, abuse?
Oftentimes, when you do this,it becomes a lot clearer why
(19:31):
certain things appeal to yousexually, why certain types of
people may have caught yourattention.
This is your external familysystem.
I wish we were all in persontogether so we could have the
crayons and the papers out.
(19:56):
What we're going to do I think,which is a little easier than
drawing a picture, is now thatyou've done some processing with
your external family.
We're going to talk about yourinternal family.
Your internal family includesthings like emotions, thoughts,
(20:23):
sexual attractions, parts of you, attractions, parts of you,
internal family systems is oneof the major approaches that we
use at Husband Material Academy.
It's an anti-shaming approachwhich claims that there are no
(20:44):
bad parts of you.
God created every part of youand every part of you is good,
and also our parts are oftenstuck in bad roles.
Our parts are often immature,unhealed, stuck in sin, stuck in
(21:05):
different cycles, and what wedid in session two in the
demonstration was we worked witha part of Jordan that felt
unaffirmed, unseen, a part ofhim that had this sexual fantasy
about an encounter with a manin a locker room.
(21:29):
So now what I want to do isinvite you to create what we
call a parts map, based on thatpicture you drew of this boy in
(21:53):
the soil, of his childhoodexperiences and what he went
through, what were somedifferent parts of you that
developed out of that.
So here is me.
We're just going to call thiscore self.
This is the person that Godmade me to be.
(22:14):
The core self is who I am.
It's the image of God in me.
You might say it's Christ in me.
The core self has thesequalities love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,gentleness, faithfulness and
self-control.
In the book Boundaries for yourSoul, they call it the
spirit-led self.
In internal family systems theycall your core self curious,
(22:39):
compassionate, courageous,confident, calm, connected and
having a choice.
So this is the person from oursexual recovery.
Deep down, this core selfexists.
Nothing can erase the image ofGod in you and your identity in
(23:04):
Christ, who you are, is probablythe most powerful resource you
have toward freedom from porn.
But we're not just a core self.
We also have these parts of us.
We have protective parts thatare trying to keep us safe from
(23:25):
various things.
Who came in to help us invarious ways to keep us safe
from various things.
Who came in to help us invarious ways.
We also have exiles, or what wemight typically think of as the
inner child parts that feelweak.
Remember, we talked about thelies we believe about ourselves
Unworthy alone, disgusting.
I don't belong.
Those are exiles.
So let's start with the exiles.
(23:47):
What are some of the parts ofyou that are wounded, that want
to seek out porn as a pacifierto take the pain away?
Exiles here.
These are some of those liesthat we believe about ourselves.
(24:10):
But the truth is I feel thatway.
Okay, I'm ugly, I'm fat, whatelse?
People hate me.
So I'm going to say I'm hated,unloved, dirty, I'm bad, alone.
Bad alone.
(24:32):
Fraud, perverted, pretenderthat might actually be a
protector.
Weak, undesirable, dumb, yeah,awkward, feminine, abandoned,
(25:00):
yep.
Dirty, yeah.
So this is what we called theorphanage in session one.
These are the parts of us thatare attached to porn.
We didn't feel these things, wewould have no need for porn.
(25:23):
So many, so many, um, exiles inhere.
So I want you to make a list ofthis for yourself and if you're
not sure, well, look at thatpicture you drew of your
external family and see how didthat boy feel about himself
Oftentimes, all of these things.
(25:56):
So how do we deal with that?
Well, without the core self, wewe turn to different things.
Now some of our protectors aremore socially acceptable, more
seemingly successful.
We call those managers in theIFS term.
So, in our context of wantingto be free from porn, some of
(26:19):
our managers might be the, youknow, like the purity culture
part of me Just wants to stop,to stop using it.
Maybe there's the warrior partof me.
Again, these parts are not bad,there are no bad parts, but
(26:41):
oftentimes they get stuck in badroles.
So what are some of yourmanagers?
Maybe the people pleaser Okay.
Workaholic, that might actuallybe a different one.
But nice guy Ooh, the nice guy,that's good.
Humor, okay, yes, what else?
The religious part of me?
The fixer Very good.
(27:04):
Self-deprecating yeah, let'scall that the inner critic,
that's a big one.
Self-deprecating yeah, let'scall that the inner critic,
that's a big one.
The helper who's always helpingpeople.
Controller you know the bossypart of me.
Who?
The savior?
I was trying to save others.
Peacemaker, yes.
Quick thinker.
Performer, yeah, the achiever.
(27:26):
Listener, maybe that could be.
I think the listener could bedifferent ones, but the sense of
the person being a hero, yeah.
The do-gooder, yeah, right.
Like the good Christian boy.
Compliant, yes.
Golden boy, all right.
So these are the managers.
These are the parts thatoftentimes help us in life by
(27:51):
actually seeming to be veryuseful.
These are the parts that areoften praised in church.
These are the parts that welike to show to other people
because they're clearly doing alot.
They're working very hard,doing a lot.
(28:13):
They're working very hard.
Oftentimes, they're working veryhard to try to prevent us from
feeling these exile feelings.
Maybe if I'm the nice guy, thenI'll be loved because I feel
unloved.
Maybe if I'm the religious guy,then I won't have to feel like
such a bad person.
Maybe if I'm the performer orthe hero, then I won't feel
(28:35):
awkward or dumb.
So the managers are oftentrying to either prevent the
pain of the exiles or they'rejust trying to make the exiles
go away, or they're just tryingto make the exiles go away.
The problem is these managersthey try really, really hard but
(29:00):
in the end they're limited.
In the end they're not going toheal you.
They can help you but theycan't heal you.
And a lot of us have beenthrough porn, recovery programs
or things like that, which wereultimately just feeding this
side of us.
Patrick says this is the mostunderstandable way I've heard
IFS explained.
I'm so glad.
(29:20):
Now, these are the sides of usthat we think of as oh yeah, the
good guy right.
But we also have other parts ofus that are also trying to help
the exiles, that are alsoworking hard, but they have a
different strategy and theirstrategy is to try to take the
(29:44):
pain away.
When I feel unloved, dirty, bad,weak, what do I do Oftentimes?
Turn to porn, or turn to food,or turn to something else to try
to distract myself orextinguish the fire.
That's why these parts arecalled firefighters.
(30:05):
So tell me what are some ofyour firefighters?
Let's just say the porn watcher, okay so eating, masturbating,
fantasizing Yep.
Playing video games, evenexercising yeah, that can be.
(30:29):
That can be.
That can be a manager or afirefighter.
Drinking, daydreaming?
Yep, I have a.
I have a distractor whodistracts me a lot Scrolling Yep
, scrolling part of me.
Sleeping yeah, again, these arenot bad parts.
(30:50):
Yes, so the workaholic canactually be on this side too.
Am I working to try to make paingo away, or am I working to try
to stop pain from ever starting?
I'm going to say overeatinginstead of eating.
But all of these, all of theseare well-intentioned attempts to
(31:16):
try to deal with the fact thatI feel this way, that I feel all
of this pain, all of thischildhood trauma.
Firefighters are trying to help, and when all you do is try to
stop doing these things, andwhen all you do is try to stop
(31:42):
doing these things, then you'rejust having a war between your
managers and your firefighters.
You have no access to your coreself.
Core self is where healinghappens.
I think what you saw with me,what you saw with Jordan, our
demonstrations earlier, wasbeing in our core self and
bringing healing to these parts,because in order for them to
heal, they have to touch.
They have to touch Jesus, theyhave to touch God, they have to
(32:04):
be in contact with curiosity andcompassion and all those good
things.
So a lot of what we do atHusband Material is essentially
trying to bring healing to thesedifferent parts.
It's essentially trying tobring healing to these different
parts.
So when you look at yourexternal family system, you see
(32:25):
how these internal parts formed.
They make a lot of sense whenyou see how you grew up.
So I'm going to put some more onhere, because there are so many
good ones Busyness, extremehobbies perhaps Thrill seeking,
(32:45):
reading could really be any ofthem.
So here's why this matters Allthese different parts.
They're not who you are and Godis not interested in destroying
your parts.
He wants to redeem your parts.
He wants to welcome them home.
(33:07):
This journey of outgrowing porn, it's not about fighting a
battle.
It's about coming home afterwandering.
Coming home after wandering.
You can think of the managers aslike the older brother in the
parable of the two lost sons.
You can think of thefirefighters as a younger
brother.
Both of them.
(33:28):
Both of them need some healingand love so that you simply
don't need porn anymore.
Alright, I hope this is makingsense to you guys.
The part of you that wants touse porn is probably a
firefighter, and it doesn't needmore shame, it doesn't need
(33:50):
more criticism, it doesn't needcondemnation, it doesn't need
willpower, it needs love, itneeds you, it needs you, it
needs God.
So if you've got your parts map, that gives you an opportunity
for further work, to say, yeah,I think I want to spend some
(34:12):
time with the anxious part of me, or I think I want to spend
some time with the peoplepleaser, or I think I want to
spend some time with the one whois scrolling on my phone.
Ultimately, a relapse happenswhen our exiles are in pain and
the managers can't handle itanymore, so the firefighters
(34:34):
take over.
What we do at Hazmaterial issay no, no.
Instead of doing that, let'shave your core self relate to
those exiles.
Let's have your adult selfrelate to that little boy, find
out what he really needs andthen redirect that energy in a
(34:56):
redemptive way.
By the way, what I'm advisingyou to do here is for your own
healing work.
This is not to use on your wifeor on other men to try to tell
them what they should do or howthey should relate to you.
This is for each of us to learnfor ourselves and then to
(35:20):
support each other as acommunity.
A lot of guys are not going toget this, and that's okay.
A lot of wives are not going toget this, and that's okay.
See the questions.
Are we only spending time withfirefighters?
(35:40):
Any part of me you can.
You can spend time with anypart of you.
Oftentimes, when you spend timewith a part of you, you can
come to a point of renaming it.
So I once had an IFS experiencewith my inner critic, who was
telling me that whatever I did,I was going to fail.
(36:01):
Even if I seemed to succeed.
It was like nope, I'm givingyou an F, you suck.
My inner critic was reallyreally hard on me.
Well, jesus came into thescenario.
My inner critic was holding aclipboard with a red pen marking
up all my mistakes and whenJesus came in, he just dropped
the clipboard and my innercritic was renamed the observer.
(36:22):
Instead of having a red penmarking up all my mistakes, he
now has an observer to justpoint things out without
judgment.
So my inner critic is now myobserver and he's doing well.
The inner critic would be moreof a manager in this model,
(36:43):
someone who's trying to help medo the right thing.
The firefighters aren'tconcerned with doing the right
thing, they're just concernedwith trying to make the pain
stop.
So the managers are trying tomake sure that the exiles don't
sabotage our life.
Like you know, I got to doeverything right so that I don't
end up unloved ugly alone,things like that.
(37:05):
The firefighters are saying whocares about that stuff?
We just need to survive.
There's a fire going on and wegot to put it out.
And that's where porn comes inOther similar unwanted behaviors
.
But the managers and thefirefighters are both driven by
(37:26):
fear.
Driven by fear, the core selfis driven by love.
Arousal can be an exile forsure, especially if you have
really hated yourself for acertain type of arousal.
Maybe that arousal is, you know, it's part of your group of
exiles.
It can also be a firefightertrying to make the pain go away.
(37:50):
Richard says is the goal to getall of your parts to play nice
together, kind of?
I want you to think of yourinternal family system as a
school bus.
This comes from the bookBoundaries for your Soul, which
I highly recommend.
In the book it says that all ofyour parts are kind of like
kids on a school bus and yourgoal is to walk right up to the
(38:16):
front of the school bus and takeback the steering wheel.
The problem is the kids mightnot let you do that.
Remember, in session two wetalked about you first have to
love the boy before you can leadthe boy.
You first have to build trustwith these parts of you before
you can gain their cooperation.
So for some of us it's almostlike, hey, the kids are driving
(38:40):
the bus and I'm like at the backwatching them take control and
veer off the road into anaccident.
In this work you are learninghow to love and lead your parts.
You're kind of like theconductor of the symphony and
there are all these instruments.
So yes, in a sense the goal isto help the instruments play
(39:00):
together so that you can createsomething beautiful in your life
and in your sexuality.
So just to clarify one moretime I'm getting some questions
about this Within us, about thisWithin us.
(39:26):
We all have these threedifferent types of parts the
exiles who are wounded, themanagers and the firefighters
whose job it is to try toprotect us, but they are often
doing a poor job.
So our goal is to live morefrom our core self rather than
from any part of us, and that'sit Again.
(39:47):
This teaching was a preview ofthe Husband Material Academy
video course.
If you want to go deeper intothese topics and you want to
learn more about HMA, go tojoinhmacom.
The doors are open now and theywill not be open again until
July.
In any case, I hope this washelpful for you, especially in
understanding internal familysystems, and I want you to
(40:08):
always remember that you areGod's beloved son and in you he
is well-pleased.
Hey, my name is Drew Boa.
I'm the founder of HusbandMaterial, where I help men
outgrow porn.
Today's episode is all abouthow to process your past,
specifically by looking at yourexternal family system, like
your mom, your dad, yoursiblings and your internal
family system the many differentemotions, thoughts and feelings
(00:22):
that are within you and byprocessing these things you can
get so much clarity about howyour sexuality developed and
what healing could look like.
This teaching was originallyrecorded last summer at the HMA
in a day workshop and it givesyou a preview of the HMA husband
material academy video course.
Right, the doors to HMA areopen.
(00:45):
We only open up the programtwice a year, once in January
and once in July.
If you're interested inlearning more or in joining HMA,
go to joinhmacom, and if you'relistening to this as a podcast,
you may want to go down to thelink in the description to watch
the video, because some of whatI'm teaching here is going to
be very visual.
Again, this is a preview of theHusband Material Academy video
(01:08):
course.
Hope you enjoy it.
Processing the past so now thatyou've hopefully come to a
place, through session one andtwo, where you're seeing your
sexual thoughts and feelings andyour emotional struggles as
(01:28):
trailheads into deeper healing?
How do you get to know andunderstand the past that led you
here?
Let me say it a different wayhow can you fully understand
this boy who was exploited byporn and who became attached to
(01:54):
different sexual behaviors?
You know?
How do you make sense of whathappened to you when you were a
kid and what didn't happen,maybe what should have happened,
and not only understanding that, but redeveloping what you
(02:15):
didn't get so that you can be asexually, emotionally,
spiritually mature man of God.
That's what we're going intotoday.
A sexually, emotionally,spiritually mature man of God.
That's what we're going intotoday.
We're talking about sexualdevelopment.
Many of us don't even know whatthe stages of sexual
(02:36):
development are, because so manyof us grew up in a home and a
culture where sex just wasn'ttalked about.
We didn't feel like it was safe.
We didn't have models of youknow, all right, what is my
penis?
What is it for?
How do you approachrelationships with other boys,
with other girls?
So many of us lacked guidanceand support in this area and, as
(03:02):
a result, our sexualdevelopment got stuck.
Here's a little question foryou when do you think sexual
development begins?
Puberty, childhood.
I think it actually begins evenbefore birth.
Sexual development is alreadystarting to be shaped by
(03:25):
experiences in the womb and infact, I would argue that it's
already being shaped by thestories of your parents and your
grandparents.
That's already setting thestage for your sexual
development by creating the soilthat you grew up in.
Our sexuality develops in ourfamily, as weird as that may
(03:47):
sound.
So let me just ask you what aresome words you would use to
describe your family Put it inthe chat your family of origin
(04:07):
when you were growing up?
Rigid, emotionally constipated,broken, dysfunctional, detached
, troubled, abusive,manipulative, fake, judgmental,
closed off, sexualized, loving Isee loving in there Shut down,
(04:27):
disengaged, chaotic, stuffedemotions, sarcastic, punishing,
shame-filled, unstable, lookinggood on the outside, sick on the
inside they tried their bestUnsafe, toxic, lonely, loving,
(04:50):
compassionate, unhealthy I wantto encourage you, as you're
naming some of these things, touse the word and so my family
was unhealthy and loving.
They provided for me physicallyand they neglected me
emotionally and sexually, Ratherthan using the word, but that
(05:13):
just throws a big but all overeverything and invalidates
whatever you just said.
So we want to hold both sidesof the good and the bad and the
ugly Using the word, and thereis a very predictable family
background that creates theconditions for porn and fantasy
(05:36):
and masturbation to become asecret life.
And that system externally inour creates an internal system.
So in this session, processingthe Past, we're going to talk
about our external familysystems and we're going to talk
about our internal familysystems, because that is the
(06:00):
soil where our sexualitydevelops and this will be very
interactive.
I want to encourage you to getout a piece of paper and a pen,
if you have one.
If you don't, that's okay, youcan just type on your computer
and we're going to look at thesystems that set us up to
(06:24):
struggle sexually.
We've got some work to do.
We've got some good processingto do.
There are three big categoriesin HMA, unit 5 that can help us
make sense of our story and oursexuality that I want to
(06:44):
highlight here.
Our story and our sexualitythat I want to highlight here.
One is abandonment, two isenmeshment and three is abuse.
So abandonment is what happenswhen your family is not
connected or close, wheneverybody feels far away, when
(07:07):
it should feel like a supportive, nurturing place where you can
come for a refuge, you can beknown and loved and seen at an
emotional heart level.
Many of us grew up in familiesthat were disconnected, where we
were abandoned Could beabandoned physically family
(07:29):
members who just weren't thereor who were working all the time
or just totally disengaged offin their own world.
Could be abandoned emotionallywhere you talked all the time
but it never got deep.
Could be abandoned sexuallywhere that just wasn't even
talked about at all.
You could be abandoned sexuallywhere that just wasn't even
talked about at all.
You could be abandonedacademically.
You could be abandonedathletically.
(07:52):
There's so many areas ofabandonment and neglect that we
often don't realize because wejust thought it was normal.
It was just normal to come homefrom school and be by myself
for hours every single day.
It was just normal to never askanyone, ask how I'm really
doing.
Abandonment is huge andwhatever connection we lacked,
(08:15):
oftentimes we seek out,symbolically and sexually, the
connection that we didn't get.
How have you experiencedabandonment?
If abandonment refers torelationships that are not close
enough, enmeshment refers torelationships that are too close
(08:39):
, that are icky, grossRelationships, that are taking
something from you when they'rereally supposed to be giving
something to you.
Many of us are also not awareof enmeshment because we just
thought it was normal.
But enmeshment often happenswith a parent who is using a
(09:00):
child to meet their needs ratherthan meeting the child's needs.
This often happens if dad istotally disconnected from mom.
Well, it's often the case thatmom will turn to her son for the
relationship that she should behaving with her husband, where
(09:22):
she needs the boy.
This is often a setup forpornography, because it's easy
for boys who grow up enmeshed towant a place to separate and
get away and for a relationshipwith a woman or another person.
(09:44):
It just feels like too much,it's overwhelming needy.
There's so much pressure thatthey're looking for a
relationship that doesn't askanything in return.
So porn can provide a sense ofconnection and porn can also
provide a sense of separation,and porn can also provide a
sense of separation.
(10:06):
This can be referred to ascovert incest or emotional
incest, where maybe you feltlike you had to be the person
that your family needed.
Kids are not supposed to beneeded.
They're supposed to be wanted,delighted in, loved, cherished,
but not needed Not needed in asense of needing to be used.
(10:29):
If you grew up as a trophy son,perhaps do you realize that you
were objectified.
A trophy is an object, not aperson.
Could it be that what youinterpreted as love was actually
(10:50):
you being used to support yourmom or your dad, or the family
image?
What parents need to do is lovetheir kids and then ask for
nothing in return, expectnothing in return, and that's
oftentimes what pornsymbolically provides Giving you
something that you want andneed and then saying and there
are no strings attached, you canturn off the screen whenever
you want.
So there's a version of freedomin there, there's a version of
(11:10):
connection, there's a version offreedom that's provided by the
sexual stimulation that we'veoften turned to.
(11:30):
And, lastly, the one that takesmen an average of over 20 years
to realize is abuse.
As we've said in session.
Two, being introduced to pornas an early age is childhood
sexual abuse, and also, the vastmajority of us were emotionally
abused, yelled at, called names, shamed, intimidated, bullied,
(11:52):
and that's abuse.
Some of us were physicallyabused as well Spanked, beaten,
whipped.
Many of us were bullied, andporn is an abuser, one that we
keep coming back to.
So, in order to really processhow you got to where you are
(12:14):
sexually, these categories areincredibly important.
Jay Stringer goes into them moredeeply in Unwanted as well.
You find it more in HMA,abandonment, enmeshment and
abuse.
If you have a story ofabandonment, the need you feel
is for connection.
If you have a story ofenmeshment, the need you feel is
for freedom.
If you have a story of abuse,the need you feel is for
(12:36):
redemption, and that's why manyof us replay our abuse sexually,
because there's somethingunfinished there, there's
something incomplete there andit needs redemption.
We're going to talk more aboutredemption in session four.
Oftentimes, if you're reenactingyour trauma, it's this part of
you that wants redemption.
It's going back there becausethere needs to be something done
to change what happened, toredeem what happened, and when
(13:00):
you can experience that in reallife, wow.
And when you can experiencethat in real life, wow.
Born loses its power.
So these are some of the majorthemes to explore.
(13:22):
I want to invite you to dosomething a little bit different
now, and if you can't do this,that's okay.
I want you to draw a picture ofyourself growing up in your
family.
I'm going to show you anexample.
For me, this is little Drew,age three, sitting in front of a
(14:01):
TV screen watching the LionKing for hours, while my mom is
working in the other room.
My hockey stick is lying on thefloor, because my dad is also
not there at all, but if he wasthere I would want to play
hockey with him here I am.
My only connection, my onlycompanion, is the TV screen.
(14:32):
I was raised by screens.
My most secure attachment waswith screens.
My imagination was captured byscreens Movies, tv shows, video
games, later porn.
And in this picture I seeabandonment.
I see myself growing upthinking that neglecting my
(14:54):
needs was normal, not reallyworthy of someone's face or
heart.
I'm just fine by myself.
And at the same time I seesomething beautiful here,
because this little Drew isbeing inspired by what he sees
on the screen, by these storiesof heroes, stories of rescue,
(15:24):
dreaming about being a hero orwhatever my own life might turn
into.
So this is my picture that Idrew.
You don't have to be a goodartist.
I want you to take some time tojust draw and and draw what it
(15:47):
felt like.
Maybe certain characters inyour story feel really big.
Draw them big.
Maybe somebody feels dangerous.
Maybe you want to use a colorlike red to indicate that danger
(16:08):
.
Or maybe somebody feels coldand distant.
You want to use a color likered to indicate that danger.
Or maybe somebody feels coldand distant.
You want to use blue.
I'm going to show you one moreexample of a drawing that you
can do.
If you want to do something alittle bit more diagrammy,
here's another one that I drew.
(16:28):
This is just an example.
You see, mom is too close.
There's a big red red jaggedline here, feeling like feeling
invaded upon by mom.
Dad is distant, god is distantWith a brother.
(16:53):
In this story there's adistance, but there's also
something hurtful too with thered.
For many of us, a grandparentwas a safe person, and so I put
grandma over here.
You might want to indicate thatperhaps For some of us, a dog,
(17:14):
a dog or a pet was a loving,connected, consistent presence
that we didn't find in otherpeople.
You could have some neutralrelationships or pure
relationships, so I want toinvite you to draw something
like this relationships or peerrelationships.
So I want to invite you to drawsomething like this, either
like this one or the other onethat I drew, and take some time
(17:36):
to get into that little boy'sworld.
Let him show you what he wentthrough.
You may be tempted to compareyour story to others.
(17:57):
Don't do that.
What you went through is valid.
Everyone thinks somebody elsehad it worse.
What makes an event traumaticis not how severe it was, but
(18:19):
how fully it was processed ornot, and so even pain that you
might think of as small if itwas left unhealed, it got
infected and it could still needa surgery years later, just as
much as an open, gaping gash.
So I just want to validate yourstory, whatever it is, and
(18:45):
acknowledge that whatever yoursexual struggle is didn't start
with you.
I'll give you a few more minutesto draw if you're drawing, and
if you're not drawing, you canjust ask okay, who felt close to
me when I was a kid?
Who felt distant?
(19:08):
Relationship was confusing ordisturbing?
Where did I experienceenmeshment, abandonment, abuse?
Oftentimes, when you do this,it becomes a lot clearer why
(19:31):
certain things appeal to yousexually, why certain types of
people may have caught yourattention.
This is your external familysystem.
I wish we were all in persontogether so we could have the
crayons and the papers out.
(19:56):
What we're going to do I think,which is a little easier than
drawing a picture, is now thatyou've done some processing with
your external family.
We're going to talk about yourinternal family.
Your internal family includesthings like emotions, thoughts,
(20:23):
sexual attractions, parts of you, attractions, parts of you,
internal family systems is oneof the major approaches that we
use at Husband Material Academy.
It's an anti-shaming approachwhich claims that there are no
(20:44):
bad parts of you.
God created every part of youand every part of you is good,
and also our parts are oftenstuck in bad roles.
Our parts are often immature,unhealed, stuck in sin, stuck in
(21:05):
different cycles, and what wedid in session two in the
demonstration was we worked witha part of Jordan that felt
unaffirmed, unseen, a part ofhim that had this sexual fantasy
about an encounter with a manin a locker room.
(21:29):
So now what I want to do isinvite you to create what we
call a parts map, based on thatpicture you drew of this boy in
(21:53):
the soil, of his childhoodexperiences and what he went
through, what were somedifferent parts of you that
developed out of that.
So here is me.
We're just going to call thiscore self.
This is the person that Godmade me to be.
(22:14):
The core self is who I am.
It's the image of God in me.
You might say it's Christ in me.
The core self has thesequalities love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,gentleness, faithfulness and
self-control.
In the book Boundaries for yourSoul, they call it the
spirit-led self.
In internal family systems theycall your core self curious,
(22:39):
compassionate, courageous,confident, calm, connected and
having a choice.
So this is the person from oursexual recovery.
Deep down, this core selfexists.
Nothing can erase the image ofGod in you and your identity in
(23:04):
Christ, who you are, is probablythe most powerful resource you
have toward freedom from porn.
But we're not just a core self.
We also have these parts of us.
We have protective parts thatare trying to keep us safe from
(23:25):
various things.
Who came in to help us invarious ways to keep us safe
from various things.
Who came in to help us invarious ways.
We also have exiles, or what wemight typically think of as the
inner child parts that feelweak.
Remember, we talked about thelies we believe about ourselves
Unworthy alone, disgusting.
I don't belong.
Those are exiles.
So let's start with the exiles.
(23:47):
What are some of the parts ofyou that are wounded, that want
to seek out porn as a pacifierto take the pain away?
Exiles here.
These are some of those liesthat we believe about ourselves.
(24:10):
But the truth is I feel thatway.
Okay, I'm ugly, I'm fat, whatelse?
People hate me.
So I'm going to say I'm hated,unloved, dirty, I'm bad, alone.
Bad alone.
(24:32):
Fraud, perverted, pretenderthat might actually be a
protector.
Weak, undesirable, dumb, yeah,awkward, feminine, abandoned,
(25:00):
yep.
Dirty, yeah.
So this is what we called theorphanage in session one.
These are the parts of us thatare attached to porn.
We didn't feel these things, wewould have no need for porn.
(25:23):
So many, so many, um, exiles inhere.
So I want you to make a list ofthis for yourself and if you're
not sure, well, look at thatpicture you drew of your
external family and see how didthat boy feel about himself
Oftentimes, all of these things.
(25:56):
So how do we deal with that?
Well, without the core self, wewe turn to different things.
Now some of our protectors aremore socially acceptable, more
seemingly successful.
We call those managers in theIFS term.
So, in our context of wantingto be free from porn, some of
(26:19):
our managers might be the, youknow, like the purity culture
part of me Just wants to stop,to stop using it.
Maybe there's the warrior partof me.
Again, these parts are not bad,there are no bad parts, but
(26:41):
oftentimes they get stuck in badroles.
So what are some of yourmanagers?
Maybe the people pleaser Okay.
Workaholic, that might actuallybe a different one.
But nice guy Ooh, the nice guy,that's good.
Humor, okay, yes, what else?
The religious part of me?
The fixer Very good.
(27:04):
Self-deprecating yeah, let'scall that the inner critic,
that's a big one.
Self-deprecating yeah, let'scall that the inner critic,
that's a big one.
The helper who's always helpingpeople.
Controller you know the bossypart of me.
Who?
The savior?
I was trying to save others.
Peacemaker, yes.
Quick thinker.
Performer, yeah, the achiever.
(27:26):
Listener, maybe that could be.
I think the listener could bedifferent ones, but the sense of
the person being a hero, yeah.
The do-gooder, yeah, right.
Like the good Christian boy.
Compliant, yes.
Golden boy, all right.
So these are the managers.
These are the parts thatoftentimes help us in life by
(27:51):
actually seeming to be veryuseful.
These are the parts that areoften praised in church.
These are the parts that welike to show to other people
because they're clearly doing alot.
They're working very hard,doing a lot.
(28:13):
They're working very hard.
Oftentimes, they're working veryhard to try to prevent us from
feeling these exile feelings.
Maybe if I'm the nice guy, thenI'll be loved because I feel
unloved.
Maybe if I'm the religious guy,then I won't have to feel like
such a bad person.
Maybe if I'm the performer orthe hero, then I won't feel
(28:35):
awkward or dumb.
So the managers are oftentrying to either prevent the
pain of the exiles or they'rejust trying to make the exiles
go away, or they're just tryingto make the exiles go away.
The problem is these managersthey try really, really hard but
(29:00):
in the end they're limited.
In the end they're not going toheal you.
They can help you but theycan't heal you.
And a lot of us have beenthrough porn, recovery programs
or things like that, which wereultimately just feeding this
side of us.
Patrick says this is the mostunderstandable way I've heard
IFS explained.
I'm so glad.
(29:20):
Now, these are the sides of usthat we think of as oh yeah, the
good guy right.
But we also have other parts ofus that are also trying to help
the exiles, that are alsoworking hard, but they have a
different strategy and theirstrategy is to try to take the
(29:44):
pain away.
When I feel unloved, dirty, bad,weak, what do I do Oftentimes?
Turn to porn, or turn to food,or turn to something else to try
to distract myself orextinguish the fire.
That's why these parts arecalled firefighters.
(30:05):
So tell me what are some ofyour firefighters?
Let's just say the porn watcher, okay so eating, masturbating,
fantasizing Yep.
Playing video games, evenexercising yeah, that can be.
(30:29):
That can be.
That can be a manager or afirefighter.
Drinking, daydreaming?
Yep, I have a.
I have a distractor whodistracts me a lot Scrolling Yep
, scrolling part of me.
Sleeping yeah, again, these arenot bad parts.
(30:50):
Yes, so the workaholic canactually be on this side too.
Am I working to try to make paingo away, or am I working to try
to stop pain from ever starting?
I'm going to say overeatinginstead of eating.
But all of these, all of theseare well-intentioned attempts to
(31:16):
try to deal with the fact thatI feel this way, that I feel all
of this pain, all of thischildhood trauma.
Firefighters are trying to help, and when all you do is try to
stop doing these things, andwhen all you do is try to stop
(31:42):
doing these things, then you'rejust having a war between your
managers and your firefighters.
You have no access to your coreself.
Core self is where healinghappens.
I think what you saw with me,what you saw with Jordan, our
demonstrations earlier, wasbeing in our core self and
bringing healing to these parts,because in order for them to
heal, they have to touch.
They have to touch Jesus, theyhave to touch God, they have to
(32:04):
be in contact with curiosity andcompassion and all those good
things.
So a lot of what we do atHusband Material is essentially
trying to bring healing to thesedifferent parts.
It's essentially trying tobring healing to these different
parts.
So when you look at yourexternal family system, you see
(32:25):
how these internal parts formed.
They make a lot of sense whenyou see how you grew up.
So I'm going to put some more onhere, because there are so many
good ones Busyness, extremehobbies perhaps Thrill seeking,
(32:45):
reading could really be any ofthem.
So here's why this matters Allthese different parts.
They're not who you are and Godis not interested in destroying
your parts.
He wants to redeem your parts.
He wants to welcome them home.
(33:07):
This journey of outgrowing porn, it's not about fighting a
battle.
It's about coming home afterwandering.
Coming home after wandering.
You can think of the managers aslike the older brother in the
parable of the two lost sons.
You can think of thefirefighters as a younger
brother.
Both of them.
(33:28):
Both of them need some healingand love so that you simply
don't need porn anymore.
Alright, I hope this is makingsense to you guys.
The part of you that wants touse porn is probably a
firefighter, and it doesn't needmore shame, it doesn't need
(33:50):
more criticism, it doesn't needcondemnation, it doesn't need
willpower, it needs love, itneeds you, it needs you, it
needs God.
So if you've got your parts map, that gives you an opportunity
for further work, to say, yeah,I think I want to spend some
(34:12):
time with the anxious part of me, or I think I want to spend
some time with the peoplepleaser, or I think I want to
spend some time with the one whois scrolling on my phone.
Ultimately, a relapse happenswhen our exiles are in pain and
the managers can't handle itanymore, so the firefighters
(34:34):
take over.
What we do at Hazmaterial issay no, no.
Instead of doing that, let'shave your core self relate to
those exiles.
Let's have your adult selfrelate to that little boy, find
out what he really needs andthen redirect that energy in a
(34:56):
redemptive way.
By the way, what I'm advisingyou to do here is for your own
healing work.
This is not to use on your wifeor on other men to try to tell
them what they should do or howthey should relate to you.
This is for each of us to learnfor ourselves and then to
(35:20):
support each other as acommunity.
A lot of guys are not going toget this, and that's okay.
A lot of wives are not going toget this, and that's okay.
See the questions.
Are we only spending time withfirefighters?
(35:40):
Any part of me you can.
You can spend time with anypart of you.
Oftentimes, when you spend timewith a part of you, you can
come to a point of renaming it.
So I once had an IFS experiencewith my inner critic, who was
telling me that whatever I did,I was going to fail.
(36:01):
Even if I seemed to succeed.
It was like nope, I'm givingyou an F, you suck.
My inner critic was reallyreally hard on me.
Well, jesus came into thescenario.
My inner critic was holding aclipboard with a red pen marking
up all my mistakes and whenJesus came in, he just dropped
the clipboard and my innercritic was renamed the observer.
(36:22):
Instead of having a red penmarking up all my mistakes, he
now has an observer to justpoint things out without
judgment.
So my inner critic is now myobserver and he's doing well.
The inner critic would be moreof a manager in this model,
(36:43):
someone who's trying to help medo the right thing.
The firefighters aren'tconcerned with doing the right
thing, they're just concernedwith trying to make the pain
stop.
So the managers are trying tomake sure that the exiles don't
sabotage our life.
Like you know, I got to doeverything right so that I don't
end up unloved ugly alone,things like that.
(37:05):
The firefighters are saying whocares about that stuff?
We just need to survive.
There's a fire going on and wegot to put it out.
And that's where porn comes inOther similar unwanted behaviors
.
But the managers and thefirefighters are both driven by
(37:26):
fear.
Driven by fear, the core selfis driven by love.
Arousal can be an exile forsure, especially if you have
really hated yourself for acertain type of arousal.
Maybe that arousal is, you know, it's part of your group of
exiles.
It can also be a firefightertrying to make the pain go away.
(37:50):
Richard says is the goal to getall of your parts to play nice
together, kind of?
I want you to think of yourinternal family system as a
school bus.
This comes from the bookBoundaries for your Soul, which
I highly recommend.
In the book it says that all ofyour parts are kind of like
kids on a school bus and yourgoal is to walk right up to the
(38:16):
front of the school bus and takeback the steering wheel.
The problem is the kids mightnot let you do that.
Remember, in session two wetalked about you first have to
love the boy before you can leadthe boy.
You first have to build trustwith these parts of you before
you can gain their cooperation.
So for some of us it's almostlike, hey, the kids are driving
(38:40):
the bus and I'm like at the backwatching them take control and
veer off the road into anaccident.
In this work you are learninghow to love and lead your parts.
You're kind of like theconductor of the symphony and
there are all these instruments.
So yes, in a sense the goal isto help the instruments play
(39:00):
together so that you can createsomething beautiful in your life
and in your sexuality.
So just to clarify one moretime I'm getting some questions
about this Within us, about thisWithin us.
(39:26):
We all have these threedifferent types of parts the
exiles who are wounded, themanagers and the firefighters
whose job it is to try toprotect us, but they are often
doing a poor job.
So our goal is to live morefrom our core self rather than
from any part of us, and that'sit Again.
(39:47):
This teaching was a preview ofthe Husband Material Academy
video course.
If you want to go deeper intothese topics and you want to
learn more about HMA, go tojoinhmacom.
The doors are open now and theywill not be open again until
July.
In any case, I hope this washelpful for you, especially in
understanding internal familysystems, and I want you to
(40:08):
always remember that you areGod's beloved son and in you he
is well-pleased.
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