August 13, 2024 • 37 mins
Brad tried to breakdance back in the 80s? It's an Olympic sport now, and our morning chat takes off with some nostalgic laughter about his less-than-successful attempt at mastering those moves. But the real heart of our episode lies in tackling the tricky terrain of in-law relationships. Tiffany opens up about her journey into Brad's Christian family, sharing her candid reflections on blending different traditions and expectations.
Ever felt overwhelmed by frequent visits from in-laws or struggled to set boundaries? We dive headfirst into these challenges, emphasizing how crucial it is to prioritize your marriage and create your own family dynamic. We share practical tips on handling those parent visits and establishing your household routines as newlyweds. From learning new skills together to setting firm yet loving boundaries, we cover the essential steps for maintaining a harmonious relationship with your in-laws.
Competition over time with grandchildren, holiday stress, and even the occasional heated topic—these are common struggles many couples face. Our discussion offers insights into managing these dynamics with grace and respect. By fostering positive relationships and showing inclusivity, we aim to build a strong family environment that supports and uplifts everyone involved. Whether you're navigating new or long-standing family dynamics, this episode is packed with advice and real-life anecdotes to help you create lasting family bonds.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Hey, good morning.
Good morning, this is Brad andI'm with my beautiful wife,
tiffany.
Good morning, tiffany.
We are the host of the HustleFlow podcast just brought to you
this morning.
We're going to be talking aboutin-laws and maybe outlaws, I
don't know, but we're definitelygoing to be talking about
in-laws this morning and it'ssomething that, if you're
married, it's an important topicand you might want to tune in a
(00:40):
little bit more.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Good morning Tiffany.
What's happening your way?
Just been an exciting week.
Olympics have started.
I am a little mad and sad.
They have introduced breaking.
And what breaking?
Like break, dancing breakdancing Okay.
And I never knew this was goingto be a thing, because I have
missed my shot.
I would have been prepping,preparing, getting ready,
because who would have everthought this was going to be
part of the Olympics one day?
And here I am.
This gets announced.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
I'm obviously not ready, not prepared, but there's
all kinds of new things, butbreak dancing, let's talk about
that for a, because I grew up inthe 80s.
Man, the 80s was the epicenterof breakdancing, and I don't
know if I told you this or not.
This is an important thing.
I bought a breakdancing book in1985, when I was with my
(01:39):
grandmother one day, and so Iwent home and tried to teach
myself how to do the windmill,how to do the worm.
I can do the worm, we did it.
I did it one night when thepower went out.
My kids were filming me doingthe worm.
Never could, never could getthe windmill down.
I think they had some cardboardthat they were sliding around
on.
I wouldn't cool enough anddefinitely wouldn't coordinate
enough to be a good break dancer.
(01:59):
But, man, I'll tell you whatbreak dancing back in the 80s,
it's a real deal.
But if you would have, keptyour book.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
If you would have stuck with it, this could have
been your time to shine.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
That could have been my pivot moment that we just
talked about Could have been mypivot moment, could have been a
breakdancer, but no, no, there'sa lot of new events.
What other events were youtelling me about?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Surfing, skateboarding, sport climbing.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
I climbing.
Yeah, I think that's acombination of climbing, but
yeah, there's some new things inthere, of course, like you know
, we lift weights a lot, so thatthat's exciting.
I heard some people, jim, thismorning talking about numbers
that some of these guys wereputting up that were lifting,
but yeah, so lots of newexciting things and that's
that's underway right now.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Yeah absolutely, Absolutely Well.
Hey, good morning.
Thank you for listening to us.
We're going to talk thismorning.
We're just going to hop rightin and talk about in-laws.
Let's just just tell me aboutyour in-laws, Tiffany.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Well, this is funny because I mean, if we, if you
ask couples, tell me about yourin-laws, because family systems
are so different and so diverse,they are likely not going to
have I'm going to guess they'renot going to have the same
answer.
Like cause, I can say, um, youknow, this is what I think about
(03:16):
my in-laws.
And then you may say, well,this is what I think about my
in-laws because they're just twodifferent people, so it
wouldn't be the same answer.
Not that either answer is bad,but it's just they're going to
be different.
You know different people, butno, I have great in-laws.
My in-laws have always beengreat.
You know and I know we'll talkabout it later I am absolutely
(03:37):
not shadow of a doubt not whothey would have chose for you.
I was not who they were prayingfor, because you were raised in
a Christian home.
Your dad was a pastor.
When your parents were prayingfor your wife, I am not who was
popping in their head.
(03:58):
I am 100% certain of that.
However, there is hope.
There is good news.
I am 100% now who they think isyour part or the best partner
for you.
But you know, I just like forus.
You know I came into themarriage?
I was not.
(04:19):
I was not a Christian.
When we started dating, Idressed like I was going to the
club.
When you would take me to yourdaddy's church, he was pastoring
his little dad's church andthey all had dresses on.
Well, you told me I had to weara dress.
Well, I did.
Yeah, you did it just wasn't.
Hey, it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
That's what I was praying for.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
Yeah, that's what you were praying for.
I did, I did, I, I did, I did,I wore the dress.
But then I think they were likewe don't wear pants here.
But, girl, if you want to wearpants it's okay.
But so it's just funny becauseyou know, like, I do have great,
I have great in-laws.
But I know that it probablytook some getting used to for
them to get used to me.
But, on the flip, it took somegetting used to for me to get
(05:00):
used to them.
Right, yeah, because to them.
Right yeah, because theyweren't what I was used to
either.
Well, tell me about that.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I mean and again, I'm not trying to put you on the
spot, but just just tell meabout that, because that's
that's a good thought yourfamily dynamic was different
than mine.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Like y'all all sat and had dinner around the table
like y'all.
It's like y'all were trying toreplicate the dang crosby's or
the the engels family orsomething.
I'm like what is this?
Why are y'all, why are y'alllike sitting here Like I'll be
in all chatty, chatty and eatingdinner together and we're all
going to talk about our day?
(05:31):
And it was just strangephenomenon that I was not used
to.
So I mean, you know that's athing is that you know you all
got to get used to each other.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
Right, yeah, yeah, I think so too, and it's, you know
, in-laws.
It's a funny thing because,like you said, each family
dynamic is different.
Right, it is, and I said thislast night to you.
I would dare say that mostpeople that your son or your
daughter bring home are probablynot who you would choose for
(06:04):
your son or your daughter, andthey usually what was it we did,
we did a couple three weeks ago?
Opposites attract, right, andyou know, mama wants a sweet,
kind, quiet girl for her.
I'm not talking about you, I'mnot talking.
She wants you know, know.
But then all of a sudden youbring home loud you bring home
(06:28):
loud new yorker.
You know what I'm saying.
Like, I mean, I'm just you andit's like wow, then, then like,
but even on the converse, Idon't know that I'm what your
mom and daddy wanted for you no,because you were too goody two
shoes for sure, and so that wasa.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
That was an issue like that.
They had to get used to youbecause you were a little.
You know you were different,probably than what they were
thinking of for me.
But when you said that, like Iwould say that, like most people
you know, most people that yourkids bring home are not who you
and it's not necessarilybecause they're good or bad.
It's just that, like you knowyour kid and you think how in
the world is that ever going towork?
Is what.
(07:05):
You look at it sometimes andthink, how is that?
And that's what I'm sure whenyour parents look at it how in
the world is that ever going towork?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
They probably didn't say that.
They probably said that wouldnever work, that would never
work.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, that's it too.
I mean you know that wouldnever work.
So it's because it's different,like when you're a parent and
you marry somebody and theybring their kids, you know you
love those kids like your own,your stepkids or whatever.
And same thing.
But spouses getting you knowyour kids, getting married and
(07:36):
bringing somebody home, that'sdifferent.
That's a different like you gotto learn to you know love,
accept and figure it all out.
And I think it takes time forthem to you know, for parents to
love their, theirdaughter-in-laws and
sons-in-laws like their own andvice versa, like that ain't your
mama.
So it does take some time foryou to love your mama-in-law
(07:57):
like your mama or yourdaddy-in-law like your daddy.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yeah, and to receive from them either way, because
it's it's an adjustment.
It is an adjustment becausehere's the thing you and I go
home together and so we have tobuild our life and our
relationship, but then, when youadd the dynamic of my mom and
dad, or your mom and dad, or orwhomever, it changes.
So here's the thing In-laws canbe the blessing on your life or
(08:24):
they can be cancer to yourbones.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
And that's coming from Papa and Honey that have
two married kids and it's noteasy sometimes.
I love my son-in-laws butsometimes I want to thump my
son-in-laws on the head.
I want to thump my daughters onthe head and I'm sure that my
son-in-law's mama's want tothump my daughter's on the head
(08:49):
sometimes because you have anidea of what you want for your
kid and so it gets weirdsometimes.
But I can tell you it can bethe best blessing or it can be
cancer to your bones.
Because here's some things.
Here's how you know if yourin-laws are affecting your
relationship.
One way is that you spend a lotof time in your marriage
(09:13):
talking about your mama or yourin-laws.
If you spend a lot of time as amarried couple always talking
about the in-laws or alwaystalking about your mama or your
daddy, or my mama or my daddy,there's a good chance they may
be affecting your relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Well, yeah, mama said , mama said, mama said, or my
daddy said oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And my daddy used to say a lot.
My daddy used to tell me awhole bunch of things about how
life needed to be and what Ineeded to do, you know, and so
that was one of the things butgoing back to is that you have
to put your marriage first.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Yeah, yeah.
You have to put your marriagefirst, and, especially when you
first get married, it's hard tonot go over to Mama Nim's every
day, because you used to livethere and you love Mama Nim and
you want to be at Mama Nim'shouse.
Well, you're married.
Now it's time to go home withthe person that you said I'd do
to at the altar.
But what if they can't?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
cook.
You said, I do too at the altar.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
But what if they can't cook?
Yeah, I mean, you married a boy, you married a girl, you
married whoever you married.
Y'all got to go home together.
Now, mom and them need to, youknow, to meet you on the front
porch and go.
Uh-uh, you've been over heretwo nights this week.
You got to go home.
Go home, yeah, go home.
You got to go home.
If they can cannot cook, oryour man cannot cook, then learn
(10:25):
to cook together, because youknow that's who you're going to
spend the rest of your life with, and you got to start learning
how to do that and put yourmarriage first.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Well, and that's it Biblically.
The Bible says that you've gotto basically tear away from your
, your, your family, and you gotto create your own family.
Okay, so you're no longer, uh,and and I, you're no longer on
your mama's teat.
You got to break off of that.
You gotta, you gotta, move onand you or, if you're a man,
(10:55):
you're now responsible for yourwife.
You're not responsible to yourmama anymore.
Now there's an affiliableobligation that we can talk
about at some point as far astaking care of them and their
age, but what your mom and daddydoes, that's their business and
it's not yours.
As a husband, it's your job totake care of your wife and, as a
wife, it's your job to takecare of your husband, and it's
(11:16):
not what your mom and dad do.
So you have to put your, youhave to put your, your marriage
first, because now you have afamily, even though you're part
of a family, and you have to setsome boundaries.
We talked about that too.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah, I think you do have to set boundaries and
whatever that looks like foryour house.
Um, you know, we didn't everreally have this.
(11:50):
I know this happens.
It wasn't an issue for us.
But as an example, for instance,if you know, if you or a
mom-in-law don't do this, butyou know mama drops by all the
time and just walks in the houseand does whatever she wants
while she's there.
Like well, as a married couple,you may have to say like hey,
we, you know, we let's have somescheduled visits.
Call before you come, Make sureit's a good time, make sure we
don't have plans, make sure weweren't walking out the door for
date night, like whatever.
But just, that's just anexample.
Like, whatever the things are,set some boundaries.
You know your parents are notgoing to be allowed to get in
(12:12):
our finances.
If you're not, if your parentsare not paying for anything that
are that you've paying for youanymore, then your parents don't
need to ask you know what, what, how much your car payment is
and how much are you making andall those other things.
And, like you know, make some,some decisions that parents are
going to stay out of certainthings.
(12:33):
That those are.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
those are no, no fly zones for for your parents
absolutely, and I'll say this,though if your parents are still
paying your phone bill, arethey paying your car insurance?
They may have a right there tosay hey, buddy, I saw you went
on a vacation last week.
Uh, you think you could takecare of your phone bill this
month.
Oh no, man, I can't.
(12:54):
I can't, man.
You know, here's the Gary Veesaid it.
Gary Vee if you know, gary Vee,I love Gary Vee.
Gary Vee said if your parentspay for anything, you keep their
name out of your mouth when itcomes to finances that they got
every right to ask you aquestion if they pay one bill,
if they pay for it.
He went as far to say if yourname is on the Netflix account
(13:15):
and you use their Netflixaccount, they can ask you a
question about your money.
And I was like whoa, that'spretty deep there, yeah, but you
got to set some boundaries.
You got to set some boundaries.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Set boundaries.
And then I think, when parents,you know, when there's a parent
, an offending parent that'sbreaking those things or
anything you know, I think thatyou need to be the one to
discuss it, or anything you know, I think that you need to be
the one to discuss it.
If that's your mama, then youneed to talk to your mama and
say hey, mama, this is causing alittle bit of an issue, or do
(13:46):
you think you could help us withthis, Mama?
Speaker 1 (13:48):
ain't going to like it though.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Most mamas ain't going to like it.
Yeah, but when it comes to yourparents, like you need to
handle your business, becauseyou do a disservice to your
spouse when you don't cover them, protect them and help keep
those fences firm, and whenyou're not the one to say, okay,
(14:12):
this is important to you, thenlet's talk this out and then
I'll go to mom and them and I'lltalk about this.
Don't make your spouse be thebad guy because you keep letting
things go, because you lovemama.
You don't want to hurt mama'sfeelings, but mama's hurting
your spouse's feelings.
But don't make your spouse bethe bad guy that she they've got
to be the one to go.
You know, talk to mom or daddy.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Absolutely 34 years.
If you get on the phone withyour mama and you let your mama
talk about your wife, you got aproblem.
You need to shut that crap downand say you will not talk about
my wife that way and you needto shut it down.
And you don't need to be aparty to making your spouse look
(14:50):
bad or feel bad and make yourmama feel better and listen, I
love my mama.
I can tell you right now I'llfight you for my mama, but I'm
not going to let my mama talk.
Can tell you right now I'llfight you for my mama, but I'm
not gonna let my mom talk aboutmy wife, because it's because
I'm going to address that well,and even not on the phone, like
in-laws.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
You know I have great ones.
Mine did not do this, but Ihear the stories.
You know in-laws that makelittle disparaging comments
about parenting styles and youknow, um, oh, so you, you didn't
work enough this week, likejust whatever.
Whatever it is like don't, youcan't let your parents make
disparaging comments, not evenjust on the phone, to your
(15:26):
spouse's face or around them, toother relatives or whatever.
Like you got to shut that down.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Shut it down.
Shut it down and don't makeyour wife or your husband have
to go and address it with theirin-laws.
You handle it.
It's your mama.
You know how your mama ticks.
You know how your daddy ticks.
You need to handle it, and I'vehad to handle some things with
my mom and daddy before even inregards to you, when we were
younger, I've had to say nope,we're not going to do that and I
(15:54):
didn't want to.
I'm just going to be the firsttwo men.
I didn't want to because Ididn't want to hurt my mom or my
daddy, because I love them.
But at some point I had torealize that the nucleus of my
new family that God had given mesuperseded my family.
I came from yeah, and sothere's that you also have to
let go of some expectation.
You know you're not going tocontrol other people.
You're not my daddy going tosay what my daddy's going to say
(16:16):
sometime, and you're not goingto control RD that's what we
call him.
You're not going to control RDand you've got to have an idea.
You know you may have an ideawhat you want the perfect
mother-in-law to be.
What was the movie that hadJ-Lo in it?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Monster-in-Law, monster-in-law, yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Yeah, and there's some true monster in-laws out
there, yes, but you know you mayhave unrealistic expectations
of what your mother-in-law orfather-in-law is going to be.
And you know I really and Imean this I try to be a good
father-in-law.
It's not easy sometimes becauseI'm still a man.
I still have my ideas of what Ithink I want and what I think's
(16:55):
right and what I want for mydaughters.
But I try to be a goodfather-in-law.
I try to hug my son-in-laws,let them know I love them, you
know, and try to be that guy.
And but I don't know what theirexpectation is for me, for a
father-in-law.
They may want me just to leavethem alone, I don't know.
But you gotta, you've got to letgo of expectation.
I think the other thing, yougot to be flexible.
(17:15):
You can't be so rigid in yourlife that you don't allow room
for the in-laws, Right, and evenif you don't like them, you
have to make room to let themcome around.
And I said this we were talkingabout last night that you have
to find a way as much aspossible to let them be part of
(17:36):
your life.
Find a way as much as possibleto let them be part of your life
because you married their,their daughter, or you married
their son and they still lovethem.
So you got to, you can't justshut them out.
No, you're not coming, wearen't, you ain't coming.
Well, I don't want to see y'all.
You got to let them be as mucha part of your life as possible.
And then look, let's shoot itstraight.
(18:01):
Some in-laws are toxic, Somein-laws are problematic, Some
in-laws are problems and you dohave to set those boundaries.
So what else do you have to do?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Well, you know.
I think, though, that therewill probably be people
listening who say well, myin-laws don't come around, they
don't have anything really to dowith us, or whatever.
And that's again, that's notreally an unrealistic
expectation, it's just anexpectation period, and you just
sometimes have to let let thoseexpectations go so you're not
(18:28):
hurt.
You know that you're.
Maybe you're um.
You know your wife's dad nevercalls or comes around.
Or you know your um, yourhusband's, you know mom doesn't,
doesn't ever check on him ifsomething's going on, or
whatever.
You know your husband's youknow mom doesn't ever check on
him if something's going on, orwhatever.
You have to let thoseexpectations go also, and, just
you know, try to always haveanother perspective and consider
(18:52):
how people were raised and whattheir relationships are like.
But then you know, if you dohave family that does want to be
involved, you do have to, oncea month, go to dinner, say okay,
on birthdays, this is whatwe're going to do.
We're going to get together onbirthdays.
Y'all are going to be invited.
Find ways to include them,because, even though there's the
cleaving away, that doesn'tmean, though, that your spouse
(19:15):
stops being your in-law's child.
They still want to see themabsolutely and you know they've
raised them this whole time andbeen with them this whole time.
So they still want to be a partof their life and you don't
want to be the reason ever topull them away or to be jealous,
you know, and not allow them tobe part of their their parents
life anymore right, right.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
And I think another thing too when it comes to
in-laws, you've got to avoid hottopics.
Yeah, you do.
You can be the bigger person,and I'll just use this as an
example.
I'm not trying to be political,other than just to say if you
walk in and your in-laws have aTrump sign out front and they
(19:57):
are wearing a Trump shirt andthey got a Trump hat on and the
news is on Fox News, youprobably don't want to get into
politics.
If you if you are a Democrat ormaybe you're RFK independent,
you don't.
You don't really want to getinto that.
Who cares?
At the end of the day, we'refamily.
Your opinion is your opinion.
(20:17):
You can vote for who you wantto vote for.
I'm going to vote for who.
I want to get into that.
Who cares?
At the end of the day, we'refamily.
Your opinion is your opinion.
You can vote for who you wantto vote for.
I'm going to vote for who Iwant to vote for.
We can do whatever we want todo, but at the end of the day, I
still got to be your in-law,and so avoid hot topics.
If you know there's certainthings that's going to set
people off, you can be thebigger person.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Yeah, and I would say there you know, life is short
and your parents are not goingto live forever.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
There are some things that are not worth the fight,
and they are not heels worthdying on, no, and some of those
are, you know, politics or justdifferent views on things that
don't really matter.
There's different denominationsLike we're Baptist and y'all are
(21:04):
Methodist, and we don't have tofight about which one of us is
going to heaven every time thatwe're together.
There are so many things thatare not.
This is a thing that I'velearned and my kids are probably
learning about us.
You know, the older yourparents get and your in-laws get
, you're not changing themprobably.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
No.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
So, like there's no reason to have animosity and
divisiveness, like just walkaround it and keep going, walk
through the hot topic and keepgoing, sidestep it and move on,
walk through the hot topic andkeep going, sidestep it and move
on.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
You know, you just said that and there's something
that actually just kind of wentoff in my mind the older you get
, the older our parents get, weget.
You're not going to change us,but here's what I've learned.
I shut up now.
Yeah, I still believe what Ibelieve, I still think the way I
think.
But I shut up now and Irealized that about my dad.
(22:00):
My dad is opinionated.
I love my dad.
He's a tough guy but he'sopinionated.
But the older he's gotten heshuts up a whole lot more now
and I bet he's thinking when weleave oh, he's thinking that's
the stupidest bunch of stupid,stupid stuff.
But you know what?
No-transcript Life is short.
If you want to burn bridges andblow things up all the time and
(22:24):
you want to create chaos andyou want to have drama in your
family all the time, then justkeep on.
But what you're going to findis, the older you get, the more
valuable relationships are.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Because you don't know when those relationships
are going to end.
You don't know what tomorrowlooks like.
You know, we buried my cousinSunday.
He was 36.
And nobody said he wouldn'texpect it to die, but last
Tuesday he died.
And if you had drama like andthat's the thing I keep going
(22:58):
back to, I think, the value ofrelationships, even with your
in-laws, you don't have to agree, you don't have to agree with
everything they say or do, andthey don't have to agree with
you, but there's such a value ina relationship because that's
where change happens.
Change happens in relationships.
It's not in Facebook posts.
I see people posting all thetime and you've seen it this
(23:18):
past week or two about all thejunk.
You're not going to change mymind by posting what somebody
else said.
I don't care, I believe how Ibelieve, I think how I think and
I and this is just kind of youknow that that stuff but the
value of the relationship is Icare about whom I'm in
interaction with and that'sthat's powerful.
And I do think you also avoidthe hot topics.
I think another thing is thatyou had to find some common
(23:40):
ground.
Um, I will be honest with you.
I told you this.
It was funny.
I took my two son-in-laws and myson to watch the Grizzlies play
.
It's been a year or so twoyears ago maybe and we were on
our way to Memphis to watch theGrizzlies play and some new game
had come out.
I'm a gamer because I grew upin the 80s with Nintendos and
(24:02):
Segas and I still play.
I'm an NCAA football guy and Istill love that stuff.
But some game had come out.
I don't know what it was, butSon Cade, robbie and Easton were
geeking out about this game andI'm lost.
I ain't got no clue whatthey're talking about.
It's the most boring dumb stuffto me.
But I tried to find some commonground.
(24:25):
I would ask questions about itand things like that to try to
foster some kind of commonground with with the in-laws.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
And I think that's important.
But I think I think, finallyand we're we're getting toward
the end here, but I think one ofthe things is is that you have
to be kind.
It costs you zero to be kind.
What if they're not kind to you, does not matter.
Be kind.
What's the old Roadhouse?
Roadhouse, one of my favoritemovies, not the new one.
(24:55):
The new one sucks PatrickSwayze, the old one man.
He said when he comes in, he'sthe bouncer.
He said look, look, we got tobe cool.
He said if, if people don't.
He said but you got to be nice.
He said if, if people won'twalk, you walk them, but you be
nice.
You remember what some one ofthe guys said.
He said well, what if he callsmy mama a whore?
(25:16):
And he said well, is she?
He said you got to be nice.
And I think it comes back tothis you have to be kind in
every relationship, especiallywhen it comes to your in-laws,
because the in-laws are notnaturally inclined they're not
naturally inclined to love youbecause you're not their child.
(25:36):
But why do you think thatin-laws are motivated to get
along with you?
Speaker 2 (25:43):
Well, I think they want to get along with you
because they want to maintainuntil you said they're not
naturally motivated.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
I'm not saying they can't love you, but that's not
natural, because you're not thekid I think it's not always off.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
That's it.
It's not off the bat.
It takes time to develop that.
It may take years and years todevelop that.
So in the meantime, in-laws aregoing to be motivated to get
along with you and they want toget along with you because they
want to stay connected to theirchild and if you have kids, they
want to stay connected to theirgrandkids.
So they're not out to always.
You know, I've tried to talkfrom both sides of this today.
They're not always out to getyou Right.
(26:17):
Um, they because they want tobe in relationship and to stay
in relationship with their kidand to see their grandkids and
all those things.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Because I can't imagine not seeing my
granddaughter.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
And I'm not going to blow that relationship up,
because I love her and mygrandson, who's going to be born
tomorrow.
I can't imagine not having arelationship with him, and I'm
not willing to burn a bridgewith my son-in-law so I don't
get to see my daughters anymore.
Because I can tell you thismore than anything, a woman can
take a man away from his familymore than a man can take a woman
(26:55):
away from hers.
Yeah, yeah, I agree with that,so you, need to be careful to
blow those relationships up.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Yeah, and again you have to remember you.
You know you're not their child.
It's taking some time.
They want to see how you'regoing to treat their child and
so it takes a little bit of timesometimes for that love to grow
and develop to where you arelike their own.
And I know that your parentslove me like their own, I have
no doubt I mean like my son.
(27:22):
In laws they've, they've that'sgrown and that's deepened and
sometimes I like my son-in-lawsbetter than my daughters Me too,
yeah, and I will definitelytake up.
I'll tell my daughters like,stop that, Stop that right now,
Don't act that way.
Quit acting ugly or being ugly.
Act right.
Absolutely yeah, because I dolove my son-in-laws, but it does
.
It grows, you know, more andmore with time.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
I think I think so too, and you know, here's the
thing that that probably nobodysays, but everybody experiences,
is that sometimes you feelcompetitive with the other
in-laws because if, if thegrandbaby goes over there, well,
she doesn't been over therethree days, we ain't got to see
her, but one day, one day, youknow.
Or they go over there and eatwith her every sunday, but they
(28:06):
don't come eat with us on sunday.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
You know, and it's that competitiveness man they
always hang out with you knowtheir family, or they go on
vacations and we are able to dothat.
Yeah, there is there.
Does um become somecompetitiveness?
Competitiveness, I think,sometimes with them, and
probably I I have not really.
You know, all my kids live hereand so I can't imagine the
sting also of if I lived severalstates away but my kids got to
(28:33):
see the you know the otherin-laws and spend time with them
all the time.
And you know that does happen.
You know you hate for it tohappen, but it does happen.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
It does.
I mean it absolutely does, butyou know, I think that, and we
for it to happen, but it doeshappen.
It does, I mean it absolutelydoes, but you know, I think that
, and we're going to talk, onething that we're actually going
to introduce is that we're goingto do some live Facebook
podcasting from our placedowntown, and Mike's going to
help us put that together, andone of the things we're going to
talk about is being agrandparent.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Yeah grandparent and grandparenting I gathered up
lots of information when I putout a Facebook post about that.
Lots of like, comments andconcerns and like, because I
think that there's, even within-laws, there's things
sometimes that you you wishsomebody else would say, because
you don't.
You don't want to burn bridges,you don't want to hurt feelings
.
So I think you have to talkabout this.
If you're an in-law, you needto listen to this stuff.
(29:22):
If you're, you know, if you arethe daughter-in-law, the
son-in-law, you need to listento it, because it just helps
strengthen that relationship.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
I think so too, and I'll say this from an in-law
perspective.
You need to be friends with theother in-laws as much as you
can, you need to talk to them,you need to be kind to them, you
need to have a relationshipwith them.
It doesn't need to be us versusthem, right, because that is
just poison.
It is poison for therelationship, because your
(29:53):
grandkids will pick up on that,your son-in-law or your
daughter-in-law will pick up onthat, and they'll see that
there's that block.
Now listen, I'm not sayingyou've got to be best friends
and vacation together, becauseevery family is different, but I
can tell you there needs to bea modicum of respect for the
other in-laws, and you need to,because every family is
different.
Just because you were, you grewup the the leave it to beaver
(30:17):
family, and they grew up like inthe wild, like wolves.
They still have their ownsystem of life too, and and you
have and you have to learn howto coexist.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Yeah, well, you know, like your parents, my mom
doesn't have anywhere to go onholidays and I'm the only child.
So you know my, my, like mybirth order and how the
importance of me and my familyside is that I'm the only child
there's nobody else but me butmy mom has nowhere to go on
holidays.
I'm it, and so your mom, likethey do a great job of including
my mother, um, to come over forholidays.
(30:47):
And this last time, I think,whatever we did last, you know,
my mom said that your mom hadalready texted her and asked her
to come over.
But you know, and then thatmakes me feel good and feel even
more kind towards mymother-in-law, that she includes
my mom.
Yeah, um, because that takes theguilt, the burden and the guilt
off me of feeling torn, like,okay, everybody's going to your
mom's house for 4th of July, butmy mom's going to be sitting at
(31:08):
home and, like you know, youfeel torn sometimes and so,
providing, you know, trying toreach out to the other in-laws
and to build those relationships, like it helps your kids too,
that nobody has to.
They don't have to be stressedout on birthdays of how
everybody's going to interactand just different things like
that, like it really, it helps.
And I know that we're like thisWhatever we can do our kids to
(31:31):
have strong marriages and tohave strong families, we want to
do our part in that.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Absolutely, Because I don't want my girls right now.
They're the only two that aremarried out of my four.
I don't want them to get adivorce.
Yeah, the only two that aremarried out of my four.
I don't want them to get adivorce.
I want them to work it out,because I know that 34 years
into this thing, I was an idiotback in my twenties and if I had
continued to be an idiot andnot changed then we wouldn't be
(31:57):
married.
But I know that what I have nowat 52, I wouldn't trade it.
You couldn't give me anythingon earth to trade for what I
have.
But I didn't know that when Iwas 27.
I didn't know that when I was33.
And so I want my kids to fightlike you know what, to stay
married, and I want to be anencouragement to that and make
(32:18):
sure that we're part of that,you know.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
Which is something that you know, I think that we
made a note of is, you know,demonstrate the behavior that
you want them to emulate, andthat's that's it.
Like how and how.
What kind of in-laws do we wantour kids to be, and
grandparents do we want our kidsto be?
And so, whatever we're doingnow as the in-laws, we're
responsible to also still modelwhat that looks like.
(32:43):
We, we're raising them, we'retrying to model what parents
look like and what husband andwife looks like.
Now that we're in-laws, we'reresponsible to emulate.
What does it look like to be astrong, healthy in-law in their
life?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
And that's not easy.
So we're not here to tell youthat we perfected that because,
look, it's just not easysometimes, being an in-law, I'm
not going to lie to you, but Ilove them and it's just not easy
.
And so you do have to workthrough that and you don't have
to make and I think this is theone thing that I took from our
early part of our marriage youdon't have to make it impossible
(33:16):
for your kids.
I hated Christmas Becauseeverybody I had to be at your
mother's at a certain time.
Then I had to go to my mother'sand the next day we had to go
back to your mother's and thenwe had to go to my mother's and
then we had to go to mygrandmother's.
And I can tell you as an in-law, you need to let your kids set
their own traditions and if theyget to be a part of your stuff,
(33:39):
great.
Your stuff does not supersedetheir stuff.
You need to allow them to buildtheir own family and have their
own traditions.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
So what were you going to say?
Speaker 2 (33:53):
You know one thing.
I would say that we didn't talkabout as much, but don't be the
reason that your in-laws don'tlike your or your parents don't
like your spouse.
You know there's some thingsthat need to be kept at home.
You don't need to tell yourmama every fault your husband
has, especially if there's somebig ones, and you know you're
going to work it out and move on.
You may forget, y'all may goout on date night, next Friday
night and everything's wonderful, but mama didn't forget and
(34:18):
daddy didn't forget.
So you don't need to tell yourmom and them everything that
happens in your house if youknow it's going to put your
spouse in a bad way becauseagain you forgive and forget.
You're married to them.
You're supposed to.
You're supposed to figure outhow to make it work, but don't
make it to where mom and daddy'sgot a side eye your spouse at
lunch because you oversharedstuff that you didn't need to be
(34:39):
oversharing about.
Like, don't don't make things,don't always talk about all the
negative things.
Your mom and daddy don't needto be who you vent to about
every issue you have with yourspouse.
You got to find a girlfriend atwork that's going to take it to
her grave.
Your mom and daddy don't needto be who you do that to.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
No, because that is not a healthy thing.
It's not Because I can tell youas a father, your father as a
daughter if you tell your fatherstuff, he's constantly thinking
of how he can create a trip andfall situation for his
son-in-law.
You know what I'm saying?
Because they're still your dadand they still see you as small
and they still see you assomebody they've got to protect
(35:20):
and they want to give him aheadbutt or give him an elbow to
the.
So you need to be smart and notlet your parents be your
parents, not your confidants.
Now, there, there, there's athere's a caveat to some of that
.
You do, you know if you needhelp, there's things like that
that you can share.
But if your husband or wife isjust making you mad, shut up,
(35:42):
keep it to yourself.
Don't tell your mama, becauseyour mama's going to tell
everybody else, not that you do,but your mama's going to tell
every sibling and everybody else.
Your daddy's not going to sayit, he's just going to think it.
So you've got to be careful,yeah, and so I think that, as we
get ready to finish, any finalwords here about in-laws.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Nope, love them, be kind.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
Yep, absolutely.
I think that's it.
I think the bottom line is itcosts zero to be kind.
You can be the bigger personand be kind and, especially if
you're a Christian, you got Godon the inside of you.
You have the ability to be kind, and that's what matters.
It's the goodness of God thatleads men to repentance, it's
not you always having to speakyour mind or your attitude or
your opinion Right, amen, yep,good stuff, good stuff.
(36:28):
Hey, thank you so much forlistening.
Listen, yep, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
Marriage conference.
We have a marriage conferencein September.
I think that's the 6th and the7th Excited about that.
If you're interested, there'slinks in the bottom.
This is our second annual one.
Last year was phenomenal.
We're building off that and wewould love for you to be a part.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Absolutely, Absolutely Be looking for that.
Thank you so much for listening.
Hey, listen, if you are goingin a direction you want to go,
find a group of people that aregoing where you want to go and
hop in the flow with them andyou'll get where you're going.
Thanks so much for listeningand have a great morning.
Hey, good morning.
Good morning, this is Brad andI'm with my beautiful wife,
tiffany.
Good morning, tiffany.
We are the host of the HustleFlow podcast just brought to you
this morning.
We're going to be talking aboutin-laws and maybe outlaws, I
don't know, but we're definitelygoing to be talking about
in-laws this morning and it'ssomething that, if you're
married, it's an important topicand you might want to tune in a
(00:40):
little bit more.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Good morning Tiffany.
What's happening your way?
Just been an exciting week.
Olympics have started.
I am a little mad and sad.
They have introduced breaking.
And what breaking?
Like break, dancing breakdancing Okay.
And I never knew this was goingto be a thing, because I have
missed my shot.
I would have been prepping,preparing, getting ready,
because who would have everthought this was going to be
part of the Olympics one day?
And here I am.
This gets announced.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
I'm obviously not ready, not prepared, but there's
all kinds of new things, butbreak dancing, let's talk about
that for a, because I grew up inthe 80s.
Man, the 80s was the epicenterof breakdancing, and I don't
know if I told you this or not.
This is an important thing.
I bought a breakdancing book in1985, when I was with my
(01:39):
grandmother one day, and so Iwent home and tried to teach
myself how to do the windmill,how to do the worm.
I can do the worm, we did it.
I did it one night when thepower went out.
My kids were filming me doingthe worm.
Never could, never could getthe windmill down.
I think they had some cardboardthat they were sliding around
on.
I wouldn't cool enough anddefinitely wouldn't coordinate
enough to be a good break dancer.
(01:59):
But, man, I'll tell you whatbreak dancing back in the 80s,
it's a real deal.
But if you would have, keptyour book.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
If you would have stuck with it, this could have
been your time to shine.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
That could have been my pivot moment that we just
talked about Could have been mypivot moment, could have been a
breakdancer, but no, no, there'sa lot of new events.
What other events were youtelling me about?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Surfing, skateboarding, sport climbing.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
I climbing.
Yeah, I think that's acombination of climbing, but
yeah, there's some new things inthere, of course, like you know
, we lift weights a lot, so thatthat's exciting.
I heard some people, jim, thismorning talking about numbers
that some of these guys wereputting up that were lifting,
but yeah, so lots of newexciting things and that's
that's underway right now.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Yeah absolutely, Absolutely Well.
Hey, good morning.
Thank you for listening to us.
We're going to talk thismorning.
We're just going to hop rightin and talk about in-laws.
Let's just just tell me aboutyour in-laws, Tiffany.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Well, this is funny because I mean, if we, if you
ask couples, tell me about yourin-laws, because family systems
are so different and so diverse,they are likely not going to
have I'm going to guess they'renot going to have the same
answer.
Like cause, I can say, um, youknow, this is what I think about
(03:16):
my in-laws.
And then you may say, well,this is what I think about my
in-laws because they're just twodifferent people, so it
wouldn't be the same answer.
Not that either answer is bad,but it's just they're going to
be different.
You know different people, butno, I have great in-laws.
My in-laws have always beengreat.
You know and I know we'll talkabout it later I am absolutely
(03:37):
not shadow of a doubt not whothey would have chose for you.
I was not who they were prayingfor, because you were raised in
a Christian home.
Your dad was a pastor.
When your parents were prayingfor your wife, I am not who was
popping in their head.
(03:58):
I am 100% certain of that.
However, there is hope.
There is good news.
I am 100% now who they think isyour part or the best partner
for you.
But you know, I just like forus.
You know I came into themarriage?
I was not.
(04:19):
I was not a Christian.
When we started dating, Idressed like I was going to the
club.
When you would take me to yourdaddy's church, he was pastoring
his little dad's church andthey all had dresses on.
Well, you told me I had to weara dress.
Well, I did.
Yeah, you did it just wasn't.
Hey, it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
That's what I was praying for.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
Yeah, that's what you were praying for.
I did, I did, I, I did, I did,I wore the dress.
But then I think they were likewe don't wear pants here.
But, girl, if you want to wearpants it's okay.
But so it's just funny becauseyou know, like, I do have great,
I have great in-laws.
But I know that it probablytook some getting used to for
them to get used to me.
But, on the flip, it took somegetting used to for me to get
(05:00):
used to them.
Right, yeah, because to them.
Right yeah, because theyweren't what I was used to
either.
Well, tell me about that.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I mean and again, I'm not trying to put you on the
spot, but just just tell meabout that, because that's
that's a good thought yourfamily dynamic was different
than mine.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Like y'all all sat and had dinner around the table
like y'all.
It's like y'all were trying toreplicate the dang crosby's or
the the engels family orsomething.
I'm like what is this?
Why are y'all, why are y'alllike sitting here Like I'll be
in all chatty, chatty and eatingdinner together and we're all
going to talk about our day?
(05:31):
And it was just strangephenomenon that I was not used
to.
So I mean, you know that's athing is that you know you all
got to get used to each other.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
Right, yeah, yeah, I think so too, and it's, you know
, in-laws.
It's a funny thing because,like you said, each family
dynamic is different.
Right, it is, and I said thislast night to you.
I would dare say that mostpeople that your son or your
daughter bring home are probablynot who you would choose for
(06:04):
your son or your daughter, andthey usually what was it we did,
we did a couple three weeks ago?
Opposites attract, right, andyou know, mama wants a sweet,
kind, quiet girl for her.
I'm not talking about you, I'mnot talking.
She wants you know, know.
But then all of a sudden youbring home loud you bring home
(06:28):
loud new yorker.
You know what I'm saying.
Like, I mean, I'm just you andit's like wow, then, then like,
but even on the converse, Idon't know that I'm what your
mom and daddy wanted for you no,because you were too goody two
shoes for sure, and so that wasa.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
That was an issue like that.
They had to get used to youbecause you were a little.
You know you were different,probably than what they were
thinking of for me.
But when you said that, like Iwould say that, like most people
you know, most people that yourkids bring home are not who you
and it's not necessarilybecause they're good or bad.
It's just that, like you knowyour kid and you think how in
the world is that ever going towork?
Is what.
(07:05):
You look at it sometimes andthink, how is that?
And that's what I'm sure whenyour parents look at it how in
the world is that ever going towork?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
They probably didn't say that.
They probably said that wouldnever work, that would never
work.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, that's it too.
I mean you know that wouldnever work.
So it's because it's different,like when you're a parent and
you marry somebody and theybring their kids, you know you
love those kids like your own,your stepkids or whatever.
And same thing.
But spouses getting you knowyour kids, getting married and
(07:36):
bringing somebody home, that'sdifferent.
That's a different like you gotto learn to you know love,
accept and figure it all out.
And I think it takes time forthem to you know, for parents to
love their, theirdaughter-in-laws and
sons-in-laws like their own andvice versa, like that ain't your
mama.
So it does take some time foryou to love your mama-in-law
(07:57):
like your mama or yourdaddy-in-law like your daddy.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yeah, and to receive from them either way, because
it's it's an adjustment.
It is an adjustment becausehere's the thing you and I go
home together and so we have tobuild our life and our
relationship, but then, when youadd the dynamic of my mom and
dad, or your mom and dad, or orwhomever, it changes.
So here's the thing In-laws canbe the blessing on your life or
(08:24):
they can be cancer to yourbones.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
And that's coming from Papa and Honey that have
two married kids and it's noteasy sometimes.
I love my son-in-laws butsometimes I want to thump my
son-in-laws on the head.
I want to thump my daughters onthe head and I'm sure that my
son-in-law's mama's want tothump my daughter's on the head
(08:49):
sometimes because you have anidea of what you want for your
kid and so it gets weirdsometimes.
But I can tell you it can bethe best blessing or it can be
cancer to your bones.
Because here's some things.
Here's how you know if yourin-laws are affecting your
relationship.
One way is that you spend a lotof time in your marriage
(09:13):
talking about your mama or yourin-laws.
If you spend a lot of time as amarried couple always talking
about the in-laws or alwaystalking about your mama or your
daddy, or my mama or my daddy,there's a good chance they may
be affecting your relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Well, yeah, mama said , mama said, mama said, or my
daddy said oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And my daddy used to say a lot.
My daddy used to tell me awhole bunch of things about how
life needed to be and what Ineeded to do, you know, and so
that was one of the things butgoing back to is that you have
to put your marriage first.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Yeah, yeah.
You have to put your marriagefirst, and, especially when you
first get married, it's hard tonot go over to Mama Nim's every
day, because you used to livethere and you love Mama Nim and
you want to be at Mama Nim'shouse.
Well, you're married.
Now it's time to go home withthe person that you said I'd do
to at the altar.
But what if they can't?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
cook.
You said, I do too at the altar.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
But what if they can't cook?
Yeah, I mean, you married a boy, you married a girl, you
married whoever you married.
Y'all got to go home together.
Now, mom and them need to, youknow, to meet you on the front
porch and go.
Uh-uh, you've been over heretwo nights this week.
You got to go home.
Go home, yeah, go home.
You got to go home.
If they can cannot cook, oryour man cannot cook, then learn
(10:25):
to cook together, because youknow that's who you're going to
spend the rest of your life with, and you got to start learning
how to do that and put yourmarriage first.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Well, and that's it Biblically.
The Bible says that you've gotto basically tear away from your
, your, your family, and you gotto create your own family.
Okay, so you're no longer, uh,and and I, you're no longer on
your mama's teat.
You got to break off of that.
You gotta, you gotta, move onand you or, if you're a man,
(10:55):
you're now responsible for yourwife.
You're not responsible to yourmama anymore.
Now there's an affiliableobligation that we can talk
about at some point as far astaking care of them and their
age, but what your mom and daddydoes, that's their business and
it's not yours.
As a husband, it's your job totake care of your wife and, as a
wife, it's your job to takecare of your husband, and it's
(11:16):
not what your mom and dad do.
So you have to put your, youhave to put your, your marriage
first, because now you have afamily, even though you're part
of a family, and you have to setsome boundaries.
We talked about that too.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah, I think you do have to set boundaries and
whatever that looks like foryour house.
Um, you know, we didn't everreally have this.
(11:50):
I know this happens.
It wasn't an issue for us.
But as an example, for instance,if you know, if you or a
mom-in-law don't do this, butyou know mama drops by all the
time and just walks in the houseand does whatever she wants
while she's there.
Like well, as a married couple,you may have to say like hey,
we, you know, we let's have somescheduled visits.
Call before you come, Make sureit's a good time, make sure we
don't have plans, make sure weweren't walking out the door for
date night, like whatever.
But just, that's just anexample.
Like, whatever the things are,set some boundaries.
You know your parents are notgoing to be allowed to get in
(12:12):
our finances.
If you're not, if your parentsare not paying for anything that
are that you've paying for youanymore, then your parents don't
need to ask you know what, what, how much your car payment is
and how much are you making andall those other things.
And, like you know, make some,some decisions that parents are
going to stay out of certainthings.
(12:33):
That those are.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
those are no, no fly zones for for your parents
absolutely, and I'll say this,though if your parents are still
paying your phone bill, arethey paying your car insurance?
They may have a right there tosay hey, buddy, I saw you went
on a vacation last week.
Uh, you think you could takecare of your phone bill this
month.
Oh no, man, I can't.
(12:54):
I can't, man.
You know, here's the Gary Veesaid it.
Gary Vee if you know, gary Vee,I love Gary Vee.
Gary Vee said if your parentspay for anything, you keep their
name out of your mouth when itcomes to finances that they got
every right to ask you aquestion if they pay one bill,
if they pay for it.
He went as far to say if yourname is on the Netflix account
(13:15):
and you use their Netflixaccount, they can ask you a
question about your money.
And I was like whoa, that'spretty deep there, yeah, but you
got to set some boundaries.
You got to set some boundaries.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Set boundaries.
And then I think, when parents,you know, when there's a parent
, an offending parent that'sbreaking those things or
anything you know, I think thatyou need to be the one to
discuss it, or anything you know, I think that you need to be
the one to discuss it.
If that's your mama, then youneed to talk to your mama and
say hey, mama, this is causing alittle bit of an issue, or do
(13:46):
you think you could help us withthis, Mama?
Speaker 1 (13:48):
ain't going to like it though.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Most mamas ain't going to like it.
Yeah, but when it comes to yourparents, like you need to
handle your business, becauseyou do a disservice to your
spouse when you don't cover them, protect them and help keep
those fences firm, and whenyou're not the one to say, okay,
(14:12):
this is important to you, thenlet's talk this out and then
I'll go to mom and them and I'lltalk about this.
Don't make your spouse be thebad guy because you keep letting
things go, because you lovemama.
You don't want to hurt mama'sfeelings, but mama's hurting
your spouse's feelings.
But don't make your spouse bethe bad guy that she they've got
to be the one to go.
You know, talk to mom or daddy.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Absolutely 34 years.
If you get on the phone withyour mama and you let your mama
talk about your wife, you got aproblem.
You need to shut that crap downand say you will not talk about
my wife that way and you needto shut it down.
And you don't need to be aparty to making your spouse look
(14:50):
bad or feel bad and make yourmama feel better and listen, I
love my mama.
I can tell you right now I'llfight you for my mama, but I'm
not going to let my mama talk.
Can tell you right now I'llfight you for my mama, but I'm
not gonna let my mom talk aboutmy wife, because it's because
I'm going to address that well,and even not on the phone, like
in-laws.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
You know I have great ones.
Mine did not do this, but Ihear the stories.
You know in-laws that makelittle disparaging comments
about parenting styles and youknow, um, oh, so you, you didn't
work enough this week, likejust whatever.
Whatever it is like don't, youcan't let your parents make
disparaging comments, not evenjust on the phone, to your
(15:26):
spouse's face or around them, toother relatives or whatever.
Like you got to shut that down.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Shut it down.
Shut it down and don't makeyour wife or your husband have
to go and address it with theirin-laws.
You handle it.
It's your mama.
You know how your mama ticks.
You know how your daddy ticks.
You need to handle it, and I'vehad to handle some things with
my mom and daddy before even inregards to you, when we were
younger, I've had to say nope,we're not going to do that and I
(15:54):
didn't want to.
I'm just going to be the firsttwo men.
I didn't want to because Ididn't want to hurt my mom or my
daddy, because I love them.
But at some point I had torealize that the nucleus of my
new family that God had given mesuperseded my family.
I came from yeah, and sothere's that you also have to
let go of some expectation.
You know you're not going tocontrol other people.
You're not my daddy going tosay what my daddy's going to say
(16:16):
sometime, and you're not goingto control RD that's what we
call him.
You're not going to control RDand you've got to have an idea.
You know you may have an ideawhat you want the perfect
mother-in-law to be.
What was the movie that hadJ-Lo in it?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Monster-in-Law, monster-in-law, yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Yeah, and there's some true monster in-laws out
there, yes, but you know you mayhave unrealistic expectations
of what your mother-in-law orfather-in-law is going to be.
And you know I really and Imean this I try to be a good
father-in-law.
It's not easy sometimes becauseI'm still a man.
I still have my ideas of what Ithink I want and what I think's
(16:55):
right and what I want for mydaughters.
But I try to be a goodfather-in-law.
I try to hug my son-in-laws,let them know I love them, you
know, and try to be that guy.
And but I don't know what theirexpectation is for me, for a
father-in-law.
They may want me just to leavethem alone, I don't know.
But you gotta, you've got to letgo of expectation.
I think the other thing, yougot to be flexible.
(17:15):
You can't be so rigid in yourlife that you don't allow room
for the in-laws, Right, and evenif you don't like them, you
have to make room to let themcome around.
And I said this we were talkingabout last night that you have
to find a way as much aspossible to let them be part of
(17:36):
your life.
Find a way as much as possibleto let them be part of your life
because you married their,their daughter, or you married
their son and they still lovethem.
So you got to, you can't justshut them out.
No, you're not coming, wearen't, you ain't coming.
Well, I don't want to see y'all.
You got to let them be as mucha part of your life as possible.
And then look, let's shoot itstraight.
(18:01):
Some in-laws are toxic, Somein-laws are problematic, Some
in-laws are problems and you dohave to set those boundaries.
So what else do you have to do?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Well, you know.
I think, though, that therewill probably be people
listening who say well, myin-laws don't come around, they
don't have anything really to dowith us, or whatever.
And that's again, that's notreally an unrealistic
expectation, it's just anexpectation period, and you just
sometimes have to let let thoseexpectations go so you're not
(18:28):
hurt.
You know that you're.
Maybe you're um.
You know your wife's dad nevercalls or comes around.
Or you know your um, yourhusband's, you know mom doesn't,
doesn't ever check on him ifsomething's going on, or
whatever.
You know your husband's youknow mom doesn't ever check on
him if something's going on, orwhatever.
You have to let thoseexpectations go also, and, just
you know, try to always haveanother perspective and consider
(18:52):
how people were raised and whattheir relationships are like.
But then you know, if you dohave family that does want to be
involved, you do have to, oncea month, go to dinner, say okay,
on birthdays, this is whatwe're going to do.
We're going to get together onbirthdays.
Y'all are going to be invited.
Find ways to include them,because, even though there's the
cleaving away, that doesn'tmean, though, that your spouse
(19:15):
stops being your in-law's child.
They still want to see themabsolutely and you know they've
raised them this whole time andbeen with them this whole time.
So they still want to be a partof their life and you don't
want to be the reason ever topull them away or to be jealous,
you know, and not allow them tobe part of their their parents
life anymore right, right.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
And I think another thing too when it comes to
in-laws, you've got to avoid hottopics.
Yeah, you do.
You can be the bigger person,and I'll just use this as an
example.
I'm not trying to be political,other than just to say if you
walk in and your in-laws have aTrump sign out front and they
(19:57):
are wearing a Trump shirt andthey got a Trump hat on and the
news is on Fox News, youprobably don't want to get into
politics.
If you if you are a Democrat ormaybe you're RFK independent,
you don't.
You don't really want to getinto that.
Who cares?
At the end of the day, we'refamily.
Your opinion is your opinion.
(20:17):
You can vote for who you wantto vote for.
I'm going to vote for who.
I want to get into that.
Who cares?
At the end of the day, we'refamily.
Your opinion is your opinion.
You can vote for who you wantto vote for.
I'm going to vote for who Iwant to vote for.
We can do whatever we want todo, but at the end of the day, I
still got to be your in-law,and so avoid hot topics.
If you know there's certainthings that's going to set
people off, you can be thebigger person.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Yeah, and I would say there you know, life is short
and your parents are not goingto live forever.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
There are some things that are not worth the fight,
and they are not heels worthdying on, no, and some of those
are, you know, politics or justdifferent views on things that
don't really matter.
There's different denominationsLike we're Baptist and y'all are
(21:04):
Methodist, and we don't have tofight about which one of us is
going to heaven every time thatwe're together.
There are so many things thatare not.
This is a thing that I'velearned and my kids are probably
learning about us.
You know, the older yourparents get and your in-laws get
, you're not changing themprobably.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
No.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
So, like there's no reason to have animosity and
divisiveness, like just walkaround it and keep going, walk
through the hot topic and keepgoing, sidestep it and move on,
walk through the hot topic andkeep going, sidestep it and move
on.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
You know, you just said that and there's something
that actually just kind of wentoff in my mind the older you get
, the older our parents get, weget.
You're not going to change us,but here's what I've learned.
I shut up now.
Yeah, I still believe what Ibelieve, I still think the way I
think.
But I shut up now and Irealized that about my dad.
(22:00):
My dad is opinionated.
I love my dad.
He's a tough guy but he'sopinionated.
But the older he's gotten heshuts up a whole lot more now
and I bet he's thinking when weleave oh, he's thinking that's
the stupidest bunch of stupid,stupid stuff.
But you know what?
No-transcript Life is short.
If you want to burn bridges andblow things up all the time and
(22:24):
you want to create chaos andyou want to have drama in your
family all the time, then justkeep on.
But what you're going to findis, the older you get, the more
valuable relationships are.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Because you don't know when those relationships
are going to end.
You don't know what tomorrowlooks like.
You know, we buried my cousinSunday.
He was 36.
And nobody said he wouldn'texpect it to die, but last
Tuesday he died.
And if you had drama like andthat's the thing I keep going
(22:58):
back to, I think, the value ofrelationships, even with your
in-laws, you don't have to agree, you don't have to agree with
everything they say or do, andthey don't have to agree with
you, but there's such a value ina relationship because that's
where change happens.
Change happens in relationships.
It's not in Facebook posts.
I see people posting all thetime and you've seen it this
(23:18):
past week or two about all thejunk.
You're not going to change mymind by posting what somebody
else said.
I don't care, I believe how Ibelieve, I think how I think and
I and this is just kind of youknow that that stuff but the
value of the relationship is Icare about whom I'm in
interaction with and that'sthat's powerful.
And I do think you also avoidthe hot topics.
I think another thing is thatyou had to find some common
(23:40):
ground.
Um, I will be honest with you.
I told you this.
It was funny.
I took my two son-in-laws and myson to watch the Grizzlies play
.
It's been a year or so twoyears ago maybe and we were on
our way to Memphis to watch theGrizzlies play and some new game
had come out.
I'm a gamer because I grew upin the 80s with Nintendos and
(24:02):
Segas and I still play.
I'm an NCAA football guy and Istill love that stuff.
But some game had come out.
I don't know what it was, butSon Cade, robbie and Easton were
geeking out about this game andI'm lost.
I ain't got no clue whatthey're talking about.
It's the most boring dumb stuffto me.
But I tried to find some commonground.
(24:25):
I would ask questions about itand things like that to try to
foster some kind of commonground with with the in-laws.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
And I think that's important.
But I think I think, finallyand we're we're getting toward
the end here, but I think one ofthe things is is that you have
to be kind.
It costs you zero to be kind.
What if they're not kind to you, does not matter.
Be kind.
What's the old Roadhouse?
Roadhouse, one of my favoritemovies, not the new one.
(24:55):
The new one sucks PatrickSwayze, the old one man.
He said when he comes in, he'sthe bouncer.
He said look, look, we got tobe cool.
He said if, if people don't.
He said but you got to be nice.
He said if, if people won'twalk, you walk them, but you be
nice.
You remember what some one ofthe guys said.
He said well, what if he callsmy mama a whore?
(25:16):
And he said well, is she?
He said you got to be nice.
And I think it comes back tothis you have to be kind in
every relationship, especiallywhen it comes to your in-laws,
because the in-laws are notnaturally inclined they're not
naturally inclined to love youbecause you're not their child.
(25:36):
But why do you think thatin-laws are motivated to get
along with you?
Speaker 2 (25:43):
Well, I think they want to get along with you
because they want to maintainuntil you said they're not
naturally motivated.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
I'm not saying they can't love you, but that's not
natural, because you're not thekid I think it's not always off.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
That's it.
It's not off the bat.
It takes time to develop that.
It may take years and years todevelop that.
So in the meantime, in-laws aregoing to be motivated to get
along with you and they want toget along with you because they
want to stay connected to theirchild and if you have kids, they
want to stay connected to theirgrandkids.
So they're not out to always.
You know, I've tried to talkfrom both sides of this today.
They're not always out to getyou Right.
(26:17):
Um, they because they want tobe in relationship and to stay
in relationship with their kidand to see their grandkids and
all those things.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Because I can't imagine not seeing my
granddaughter.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
And I'm not going to blow that relationship up,
because I love her and mygrandson, who's going to be born
tomorrow.
I can't imagine not having arelationship with him, and I'm
not willing to burn a bridgewith my son-in-law so I don't
get to see my daughters anymore.
Because I can tell you thismore than anything, a woman can
take a man away from his familymore than a man can take a woman
(26:55):
away from hers.
Yeah, yeah, I agree with that,so you, need to be careful to
blow those relationships up.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Yeah, and again you have to remember you.
You know you're not their child.
It's taking some time.
They want to see how you'regoing to treat their child and
so it takes a little bit of timesometimes for that love to grow
and develop to where you arelike their own.
And I know that your parentslove me like their own, I have
no doubt I mean like my son.
(27:22):
In laws they've, they've that'sgrown and that's deepened and
sometimes I like my son-in-lawsbetter than my daughters Me too,
yeah, and I will definitelytake up.
I'll tell my daughters like,stop that, Stop that right now,
Don't act that way.
Quit acting ugly or being ugly.
Act right.
Absolutely yeah, because I dolove my son-in-laws, but it does
.
It grows, you know, more andmore with time.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
I think I think so too, and you know, here's the
thing that that probably nobodysays, but everybody experiences,
is that sometimes you feelcompetitive with the other
in-laws because if, if thegrandbaby goes over there, well,
she doesn't been over therethree days, we ain't got to see
her, but one day, one day, youknow.
Or they go over there and eatwith her every sunday, but they
(28:06):
don't come eat with us on sunday.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
You know, and it's that competitiveness man they
always hang out with you knowtheir family, or they go on
vacations and we are able to dothat.
Yeah, there is there.
Does um become somecompetitiveness?
Competitiveness, I think,sometimes with them, and
probably I I have not really.
You know, all my kids live hereand so I can't imagine the
sting also of if I lived severalstates away but my kids got to
(28:33):
see the you know the otherin-laws and spend time with them
all the time.
And you know that does happen.
You know you hate for it tohappen, but it does happen.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
It does.
I mean it absolutely does, butyou know, I think that, and we
for it to happen, but it doeshappen.
It does, I mean it absolutelydoes, but you know, I think that
, and we're going to talk, onething that we're actually going
to introduce is that we're goingto do some live Facebook
podcasting from our placedowntown, and Mike's going to
help us put that together, andone of the things we're going to
talk about is being agrandparent.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Yeah grandparent and grandparenting I gathered up
lots of information when I putout a Facebook post about that.
Lots of like, comments andconcerns and like, because I
think that there's, even within-laws, there's things
sometimes that you you wishsomebody else would say, because
you don't.
You don't want to burn bridges,you don't want to hurt feelings
.
So I think you have to talkabout this.
If you're an in-law, you needto listen to this stuff.
(29:22):
If you're, you know, if you arethe daughter-in-law, the
son-in-law, you need to listento it, because it just helps
strengthen that relationship.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
I think so too, and I'll say this from an in-law
perspective.
You need to be friends with theother in-laws as much as you
can, you need to talk to them,you need to be kind to them, you
need to have a relationshipwith them.
It doesn't need to be us versusthem, right, because that is
just poison.
It is poison for therelationship, because your
(29:53):
grandkids will pick up on that,your son-in-law or your
daughter-in-law will pick up onthat, and they'll see that
there's that block.
Now listen, I'm not sayingyou've got to be best friends
and vacation together, becauseevery family is different, but I
can tell you there needs to bea modicum of respect for the
other in-laws, and you need to,because every family is
different.
Just because you were, you grewup the the leave it to beaver
(30:17):
family, and they grew up like inthe wild, like wolves.
They still have their ownsystem of life too, and and you
have and you have to learn howto coexist.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Yeah, well, you know, like your parents, my mom
doesn't have anywhere to go onholidays and I'm the only child.
So you know my, my, like mybirth order and how the
importance of me and my familyside is that I'm the only child
there's nobody else but me butmy mom has nowhere to go on
holidays.
I'm it, and so your mom, likethey do a great job of including
my mother, um, to come over forholidays.
(30:47):
And this last time, I think,whatever we did last, you know,
my mom said that your mom hadalready texted her and asked her
to come over.
But you know, and then thatmakes me feel good and feel even
more kind towards mymother-in-law, that she includes
my mom.
Yeah, um, because that takes theguilt, the burden and the guilt
off me of feeling torn, like,okay, everybody's going to your
mom's house for 4th of July, butmy mom's going to be sitting at
(31:08):
home and, like you know, youfeel torn sometimes and so,
providing, you know, trying toreach out to the other in-laws
and to build those relationships, like it helps your kids too,
that nobody has to.
They don't have to be stressedout on birthdays of how
everybody's going to interactand just different things like
that, like it really, it helps.
And I know that we're like thisWhatever we can do our kids to
(31:31):
have strong marriages and tohave strong families, we want to
do our part in that.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Absolutely, Because I don't want my girls right now.
They're the only two that aremarried out of my four.
I don't want them to get adivorce.
Yeah, the only two that aremarried out of my four.
I don't want them to get adivorce.
I want them to work it out,because I know that 34 years
into this thing, I was an idiotback in my twenties and if I had
continued to be an idiot andnot changed then we wouldn't be
(31:57):
married.
But I know that what I have nowat 52, I wouldn't trade it.
You couldn't give me anythingon earth to trade for what I
have.
But I didn't know that when Iwas 27.
I didn't know that when I was33.
And so I want my kids to fightlike you know what, to stay
married, and I want to be anencouragement to that and make
(32:18):
sure that we're part of that,you know.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
Which is something that you know, I think that we
made a note of is, you know,demonstrate the behavior that
you want them to emulate, andthat's that's it.
Like how and how.
What kind of in-laws do we wantour kids to be, and
grandparents do we want our kidsto be?
And so, whatever we're doingnow as the in-laws, we're
responsible to also still modelwhat that looks like.
(32:43):
We, we're raising them, we'retrying to model what parents
look like and what husband andwife looks like.
Now that we're in-laws, we'reresponsible to emulate.
What does it look like to be astrong, healthy in-law in their
life?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
And that's not easy.
So we're not here to tell youthat we perfected that because,
look, it's just not easysometimes, being an in-law, I'm
not going to lie to you, but Ilove them and it's just not easy
.
And so you do have to workthrough that and you don't have
to make and I think this is theone thing that I took from our
early part of our marriage youdon't have to make it impossible
(33:16):
for your kids.
I hated Christmas Becauseeverybody I had to be at your
mother's at a certain time.
Then I had to go to my mother'sand the next day we had to go
back to your mother's and thenwe had to go to my mother's and
then we had to go to mygrandmother's.
And I can tell you as an in-law, you need to let your kids set
their own traditions and if theyget to be a part of your stuff,
(33:39):
great.
Your stuff does not supersedetheir stuff.
You need to allow them to buildtheir own family and have their
own traditions.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
So what were you going to say?
Speaker 2 (33:53):
You know one thing.
I would say that we didn't talkabout as much, but don't be the
reason that your in-laws don'tlike your or your parents don't
like your spouse.
You know there's some thingsthat need to be kept at home.
You don't need to tell yourmama every fault your husband
has, especially if there's somebig ones, and you know you're
going to work it out and move on.
You may forget, y'all may goout on date night, next Friday
night and everything's wonderful, but mama didn't forget and
(34:18):
daddy didn't forget.
So you don't need to tell yourmom and them everything that
happens in your house if youknow it's going to put your
spouse in a bad way becauseagain you forgive and forget.
You're married to them.
You're supposed to.
You're supposed to figure outhow to make it work, but don't
make it to where mom and daddy'sgot a side eye your spouse at
lunch because you oversharedstuff that you didn't need to be
(34:39):
oversharing about.
Like, don't don't make things,don't always talk about all the
negative things.
Your mom and daddy don't needto be who you vent to about
every issue you have with yourspouse.
You got to find a girlfriend atwork that's going to take it to
her grave.
Your mom and daddy don't needto be who you do that to.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
No, because that is not a healthy thing.
It's not Because I can tell youas a father, your father as a
daughter if you tell your fatherstuff, he's constantly thinking
of how he can create a trip andfall situation for his
son-in-law.
You know what I'm saying?
Because they're still your dadand they still see you as small
and they still see you assomebody they've got to protect
(35:20):
and they want to give him aheadbutt or give him an elbow to
the.
So you need to be smart and notlet your parents be your
parents, not your confidants.
Now, there, there, there's athere's a caveat to some of that
.
You do, you know if you needhelp, there's things like that
that you can share.
But if your husband or wife isjust making you mad, shut up,
(35:42):
keep it to yourself.
Don't tell your mama, becauseyour mama's going to tell
everybody else, not that you do,but your mama's going to tell
every sibling and everybody else.
Your daddy's not going to sayit, he's just going to think it.
So you've got to be careful,yeah, and so I think that, as we
get ready to finish, any finalwords here about in-laws.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Nope, love them, be kind.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
Yep, absolutely.
I think that's it.
I think the bottom line is itcosts zero to be kind.
You can be the bigger personand be kind and, especially if
you're a Christian, you got Godon the inside of you.
You have the ability to be kind, and that's what matters.
It's the goodness of God thatleads men to repentance, it's
not you always having to speakyour mind or your attitude or
your opinion Right, amen, yep,good stuff, good stuff.
(36:28):
Hey, thank you so much forlistening.
Listen, yep, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
Marriage conference.
We have a marriage conferencein September.
I think that's the 6th and the7th Excited about that.
If you're interested, there'slinks in the bottom.
This is our second annual one.
Last year was phenomenal.
We're building off that and wewould love for you to be a part.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Absolutely, Absolutely Be looking for that.
Thank you so much for listening.
Hey, listen, if you are goingin a direction you want to go,
find a group of people that aregoing where you want to go and
hop in the flow with them andyou'll get where you're going.
Thanks so much for listeningand have a great morning.
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