August 20, 2024 • 38 mins
Have you ever felt like your emotions were overflowing, impacting every part of your life, including your relationships? Our latest episode on the Hustle Flow podcast uncovers the concept of the "emotional cup" and how it plays a pivotal role in the dynamics of marriage and family life. Through touching stories, like our granddaughter's emotional struggles with school changes and a new cousin, we reveal that even the youngest among us can experience emotional overload. Discover the importance of managing negative emotions and how they can affect intimacy and overall marital health. We also give you a sneak peek into our upcoming marriage conference, which promises to explore these topics even further.
Negative emotions can manifest physically in alarming ways—think sleep disturbances, anxiety attacks, and even more severe health issues like high blood pressure and ulcers. Tune in as we unpack the draining effects of negativity on your energy and concentration, and how it can lead to escape mechanisms such as overworking or social media addiction. By recognizing these symptoms early, you can take action to restore well-being and intimacy in your relationship. We delve into the cycle of escapism and highlight the importance of addressing a full emotional cup to prevent controlling behaviors and loss of affection.
Our discussion doesn't stop at identifying the problems; we offer practical solutions for restoring emotional harmony in your marriage. From open communication and mutual understanding to the transformative power of genuine forgiveness, you'll gain insight into the common emotional dynamics between men and women. We emphasize the necessity of owning one's part in conflicts and focusing on the positive traits of your partner. Finally, we aim to inspire those facing marital difficulties by sharing stories of resilience and the profound impact of aligning with positive influences. Join us for an uplifting and informative conversation that could transform your relationship.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hey, good morning.
Good morning, this is Brad andI'm with my wife, tiffany.
Good morning, tiffany, goodmorning.
We are the host of the HustleFlow podcast and just coming to
you this morning we're going tobe talking about your emotional
cup and if you're married man,you're going to understand this
one, because your emotional cupcan get filled up real quick,
(00:40):
real quick, and we're going totalk about how that affects your
life and how it affects yourmarriage and how, maybe, to
empty that and kind of workthrough and find some positive
emotions.
But, hey, what's anythinghappening in your way tiff?
What's going on, anythingspecific that we uh, I've just
we've had so much going on thatwe can just filter through a
whole bunch yeah, still a lot ofindoor activities because it's
(01:02):
still hot.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
we had those three days that felt great and now I
think it's back to.
We had those three days thatfelt great and now I think it's
back to like maybe 97 today.
You know, I care about theweather all the time.
I realize that I'm the whateverinsurance company that is that
helps old people not act as old.
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I saw myself in the guy that was looking out the
window at the weather.
But it's an interesting day.
We're talking about emotionalcup and how it correlates to
marriage, but we were talkingabout her granddaughter's
emotional cup with Pastor Mike,our visit with her last night
and even at two and a half.
Her little emotional cup isfull of negative emotions.
(01:43):
Right now she's changed schoolsand she's not dealing with it
well and her little emotionalcup is overflowing with some of
the things we'll talk abouttoday, with all the big emotions
and she's a big emotion girl tobegin with.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
She's bigger than life and like I mean, she is
like her mother, her mother.
I remember one time we were outof town and we asked a friend
of ours to stay with him.
He thought that Dixie wasrehearsing for a play.
What it was is just her havingher big emotion, he said I
(02:26):
thought she was rehearsing forsome play at school, but so
she's like her mom.
Uh, she's like her.
Her grandmother, um, I'm notsure about the other grandmother
exactly how, how big emotionshe has, but I know you have big
emotion too and but yeah, she'sexperiencing a world of change
at two and a half and and it'suh, it's taking, taking a rather
sweet I don't say mild-mannered, but a sweet girl and turned
(02:52):
her into she's spicy.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I told her last night .
I kept telling her she wasspicy.
She kept saying I'm not spicy.
I said, oh, you are yes, that'sit.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
That's it she's.
It's taking that sweet girl andturned her into a spicy girl
because she's not dealing withthe change.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Then the other change is that we have a new grandbaby
.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yes, we do.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
But she has a new cousin and she does not like him
.
No At all.
It's funny.
We've tried twice to introduceher and neither time.
So I'm kind of like of theopinion of like let's ease back
and let her do this at her pace.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
but well, she was more interested in petting the
cat the other night than thantalking to her cousin.
Yeah and uh.
We asked her do you like yourcousin?
She said no, no.
I said okay.
I said well, here, touch jb,and she would not, but now take
that back.
She did, because we said ifyou'll touch him you can have a
gummy bear.
So she kind of like petted himreal quick so she could get her
(03:53):
gummy bear and that's really allshe cared about.
I got a picture of me holdingher the other night and holding
JB in my other arm and I think Itook five pictures.
Somebody did and you can see inevery picture she is going
opposite from him trying to getaway because it's like so yeah,
a lot of change, great changefor us.
We got a new grandson, johnBradford and two weeks old,
(04:16):
yesterday Doing great Mom'sdoing great Fun.
Change for them.
Mom loves to sleep and she'snot getting a whole lot of that.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
She said he's getting up every two hours.
I said that's all.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Wow, that's pretty impressive, but he's starting to
wake up.
He was three weeks early, butman, he's starting to wake up.
His big old eyes are lookingaround, but anyway.
So we want to jump in thismorning and talk about your
emotional cup.
Now tell me, give me somebackground about, maybe, where
(04:51):
this come from, our experiencewith it, and let's just jump in
there.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Well, I think the emotional cup, for one thing,
this is something we're talkingabout in the marriage classes
that we're doing on Wednesdaynight.
This will be what we'll talkabout next.
So it's fresh on our our mindright now, and I'm excited about
the marriage conference that wehave coming up september the
sixth, uh, fifth and sixth sixthand seventh.
Sixth and seventh, friday andsaturday that doesn't sound
(05:18):
friday night, saturday morningbut um, you know, um, because
the emotional cup can determinehow you interact with your
spouse and your intimacy level.
And we're talking aboutintimacy right now in our
marriage classes on Wednesdaynights.
But your emotional cup canaffect your intimacy level with
your spouse.
I was thinking about this asecond ago, I wonder.
(05:38):
You know, I wonder too if wehave different size cups.
Like some people, I wonder ifthey have a really small cup.
It doesn't take a lot, but,like if some people have the big
gulp cup, the 32 ounce, andmaybe even as marriage grows
your cup can get bigger.
Like what filled up my cupnegatively five years deep in
(06:02):
marriage doesn't fill up my cupnow at 30, 33 years in marriage.
So I think your cup can,definitely your capacity for
your cup of like negative stuffcan, can grow.
But um, yeah, we're going to betalking about the overflow of
whether it's filled upnegatively, with negative
(06:23):
emotions, or whether it's filledup with positive emotions and
kind of how you can identifythat.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yeah, well, you know, that's actually a good thought
and I'm glad you brought that up, thinking about different size
cups, because I think that'sright.
I think the more you're married, the longer you are married or
the longer you go through thingstogether and you work through
experiences, you work throughissues, you work through loss,
(06:51):
you work through problems, Ithink that it does expand your
cup and I think that when you'refirst married, unless you have
really good premaritalcounseling and listen, I'm going
to say this, we need goodpremarital counseling.
And listen, I'm going to saythis, we need good premarital
counseling.
If you're getting married, youneed to go find people who are
qualified and let somebody talkto you about being married.
(07:14):
And it's not they're trying toget up in your business, it's
that they're trying to save youheartache.
But, that being said, mostpeople don't do premarital
counseling.
They look and they fawn overhow good you look in a pink body
glove jumpsuit.
That was us.
I liked how you had the pinkbody glove jumpsuit.
(07:34):
I wish you still had it.
Oh my gosh.
Oh man, I don't.
Well, I do, but anyway that.
Or your cat suit, but anyway, Idigress, I'm going backwards,
but I think that when you'refirst married.
That cup is real small.
It's more like if you drinkespresso.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
It's more like espresso, like it's that two
ounce dopey old cup.
It's like that little mouthwashcup that they have in
Chick-fil-A, and I think why Ithought that is because this is.
I heard this this week.
So somebody that has beenmarried a very short amount of
time was talking about theirjealousy and they have just
(08:13):
enraging jealousy and they werein a restaurant and their
spouse's ex was there and theycouldn't even eat their food and
they've been married a fewyears and so my thought, being
married at 33 years, is that ifI now and I know I was jealous
and we were married because Iremember that, remember how
(08:33):
jealous I was when you weregoing to icc and that whole day,
like it was a terrible, oh noyeah, that's a.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
That's a defining moment in my life.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
I remember that ex-girlfriend that went to icc
and there's just no way shecould be on the same campus as
you when we were first married.
But I thought the last timewhen I was talking to these
people I was thinking now, ifwe're in a restaurant and your
ex is there, I would invite themover, share our appetizer, and
(09:02):
I'm not going to lose a secondof like not eating my food, for
sure that's not going to waste.
And so I was just thinkingabout that, about, yes, your cup
, I think, can be bigger,because you know we'll talk
about jealousy is one of theoverflows of of anger from your,
from your cup being full ofnegative emotions, anger from
(09:25):
your cup being full of negativeemotions.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
But you know my capacity now for some of that is
very, very large as to where mycup was a lot smaller back then
.
Yeah, and I'm not losing foodover your ex.
No, I can tell you right now,if your ex is cooking the steak,
I'm going to eat it.
And I mean you might say, hey,bro, come over here and sit down
, let's talk, but like I'm goingto eat it and I mean you might
say, hey, bro, come over hereand sit down, let's talk, but
like I'm not going to turn fooddown because somebody else
cooked it.
So yeah, yeah, I'm not that,I'm not that person anymore, but
(09:53):
so so all right, so let's justjump in, let's let's talk about,
let's talk about your emotionalcapacity.
We've just been kind of beentalking about that there.
But you can only hold so muchemotion before it spills out.
Now tell me a little, tell me,tell me your thought on that
particular thing, that you canonly hold so much.
It goes back to the size.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yes, yeah, but well, your, your cup, like like we're
saying like if you're filling itup negatively with your spouse,
it can be from a little bit ofoh.
You know he or she didn'tnotice this.
Or you know I've been trying toget their attention and they've
(10:42):
been on their phone a lotlately.
You know we've not had a datenight in forever and I'm always
the one that plans it.
You know we had plans to dosomething and you know he or she
changed them to go do somethingwith their mom and them or
their friends or with somebodyelse.
So those little things andthere's big things too sometimes
(11:04):
but those little things theylayer and they layer and they
layer.
When we're not resolving themuntil eventually it is going to
spill out and it's going tooverflow, right For sure.
Now your cup can be full withpositive stuff too.
When things are going great andwe all have those seasons.
(11:25):
Then it's layered with oh mygosh, I got a surprise gift.
You know he knows that's myfavorite candy bar and he
brought it home.
Or you know he planned asurprise dinner out.
He knows I love it when hepicks up his hats and I don't
have to see them.
And there's not a hat, you know, in sight, because that's, you
(11:47):
know, that bothers me, we'vetalked about that so many times
and so those things can fill thecup up positively.
So if your cup is fullpositively, then of course
you're going to have an overflowof love and joy and peace and
harmony in your relationship.
Love and joy and peace andharmony in your relationship.
But going back to the negative,which is what we'll talk about a
lot today, because you don'treally need to fix it.
(12:10):
There's no fix or work throughnecessarily when it is full of
the positive stuff no-transcript, I mean you can only hold on to
so much of that stuff beforeit's filled up.
Negative.
Now, like for I know, for me,at times those little things
(12:34):
will fill it up, but you canhave something big to fill it up
all at once, of course, such asSuch.
As you know, we talked aboutthe fire emojis.
You put a fire emoji onsomebody, something, or you know
something like that.
You, you know you make apromise to me and you break it.
(12:55):
Like some of those big thingscan fill it up all at once, I
think.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
How about an affair?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yeah, I was thinking fair.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
We'll fill your cup up quick.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
You know some people are going to say, well no, that
just destroys the cup orwhatever.
But yes, I think an affair youknow, breaking confidence lies,
those kind of things candefinitely fill it up fast.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
I think so too.
You know, as you were talkingthere, we were talking about
that you can fill it with fast.
I think so too.
I.
You know, as you were talkingthere, we're talking about
having that you can fill it withpositive emotions too.
But if you think of the concept, a lot of the time most people
who have this cup and we allhave the emotional cup okay, but
if you never empty the cup,then what you have is you have
(13:45):
positive emotion on top of abunch of negative emotion, and
so you may get if it spills over, let's just say it tips just a
little.
Well, if you have positiveemotion on top of the negative,
you may get a little positiveemotion.
You may say you know what,that's cool, we're good.
You may get a little positiveemotion and may say you know
what, that's cool, we're good.
But if the cup is tipped toomuch, then all of a sudden all
(14:08):
the positive that you've put anddeposited on top of it is going
to be eroded, because it's allthe stuff in the cup that's
coming out.
And so I think today we reallyneed to kind of just dive in and
talk about emptying thenegative part of the emotion
because it's easy to putpositive stuff in.
(14:29):
You know, if we're we're, we'regelling, we're jamming, you know
we're getting along and andyou're, you're being nice and
I'm being nice and I thank youfor so much for doing this and
thank you for so much for doingthat and I love you and you look
great and you smell great andlife is good and I.
That's easy to put that in thecup because and you know this,
we've Whenever your marriage isgood, it's easier for your
(14:53):
marriage to be good.
But when you are filled withnegative emotion in your cup,
even if you have positive thingsyou're depositing in, it goes
back to your emotional capacity.
If it's already full and youonly have an inch worth left in
your cup of positive emotion,you've got a lot of stuff
underneath that you've got towork out.
Yeah, because if your cup isfull of unhealthy emotions, um,
you've got a lot of stuffunderneath that you got to got
(15:15):
to work out.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, cause I mean, if your cup is full of unhealthy
emotions, the overflow isbitterness, resentment, anger,
guilt, fear, anxiety.
So when you have all that, justlike you were saying yes, if
when you have that, thosesymptoms do prevent you from
(15:38):
feeling positive emotions,because you can have that
positive stuff that is alsobeing put in there, but you're
blocked from being able toexperience that because of the
unhealthy emotions that your cupis full of emotions, that your
(15:58):
cup is full of, yeah, and Ithink too, like you've got to
and we're going to talk abouthow to empty that cup.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
But you've really got to identify.
Have you ever just I mean saidsomething out of line to your
spouse?
And it had nothing to do withwhat they just did, but it was
because something was eating atyou on the inside.
And all of a sudden, well, butit was because something was
eating at you on the inside andall of a sudden, well, I call it
emotional vomit.
You just emotionally vomit allover your spouse and they're
(16:21):
like what the heck, where didthis come from?
You're like, well, you know, ifyou were nicer and it's really
got nothing to do with them.
It's that you've got your cupfull of whatever is driving you
that you've not emptied.
You know and you think aboutsome of the side effects of
having an emotional cup that'sfull of negativity.
(16:42):
You know, one of the thingsthat can happen is sleep or
appetite disturbance.
You know, if you're full ofnegativity, it's hard to sleep
or it's hard to eat.
Just like the person we weretalking about, I can't eat.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah, and that's a life.
I can't imagine which part?
Appetite disturbance.
There's not much that's everdisturbed my appetite, I'm just
not wired that way.
But sleep, yeah, you know,people say sleepless nights.
I couldn't sleep last nightbecause this is all I thought
about.
I mean that happens.
Physical symptoms of, you know,anxiety attacks, ulcers, blood
(17:27):
pressure.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I'll go one for men erectile dysfunction, because
whenever you have negativeemotion and it gets it's there,
it can cause your body to notperform well, even in the
bedroom.
So then that causes its ownhost of problems.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
So there's physical symptoms yeah, there's
definitely physical symptomsassociated with this.
You know negative overflow andstuff.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Yeah, it just eats.
You know it eats at you and ifyou don't empty it, uh, loss of
energy concentration.
You know, you just kind ofaimlessly wander around and I'm
tired today, oh, I'm so tiredand I'm tired and I get tired.
Do you ever get tired?
Yeah, but every day I'm nottired.
You know, I, I'm like ourgranddaughter I'm not tired, I'm
(18:16):
not tired, I'm not tired Everyday.
You know, if you find yourselfthere, then you've got to
realize that maybe there's someemotion that's tied to that
that's driving you to keep youtired.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
I think that negativity is draining.
I think it does drain you andit exhausts you, but on the
other hand, you know, I thinkwhen you're full of positive
stuff and the joy from that, itcan fuel you, even when you may
even be tired or have a reasonto be tired.
But I do think it's drainingwhen you're.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Well, you think about negative people.
Yeah, negative people aredraining, yeah, and it's just
like the drag on the economy man, it's like the wet blanket.
You know what I mean.
You remember Saturday NightLive?
It's Pat.
Oh yeah, oh my gosh, and whowas it?
I can see her, but anyway,whatever you said, she would
(19:09):
always say the negative part toit.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Yeah, that wasn't it no, no.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
I can see her, but you part to it.
No, no, I can see her, but youknow what I'm saying.
And it was just like the dragon the economy and and do we all
?
Does everybody?
Can I tell you that I walkaround every day and I'm just
high-fiving everybody and justkicking it man, it's all good,
I'm positive, no, I'm not.
There's days that, there's daysthat I suck, there's days that
I'm not positive, I havenegative attitude.
(19:35):
And you'll tell me, hey, you'rebeing negative, and I'm like,
no, I'm not.
Yes, you are, and I'm like, no,I'm not, you know.
So then I realized, yes, youare, you're being negative, and
so, but it's a dream.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Yeah, I mean, you can also find yourself, I think and
this one probably is.
You know a lot of us.
Even sometimes you know me likeI can definitely see some of
this you escape into work ordrugs, affairs, pornography.
(20:08):
I know that work has alwaysbeen my, you know, since I've
suffered from being a workaholic.
It's your drug of choice?
Yes, it is, and so it is veryeasy for me to escape into that.
And since my job is a job thatI don't say have to work, you
(20:31):
know all my waking hours.
I get to work.
You know any of my waking hours.
I can to work.
You know any of my waking hours.
I can indulge myself in thatwhenever I feel like it.
So, but it is, it's easy toescape into, you know.
Of course social media is ahuge escape tool now, but you
can find yourself just escapingRight.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Right, depression, you know that's another thing
and I'm not saying please don'tmisunderstand I'm not saying
that everybody who's depressedis because it's all the negative
emotion that has affected them.
There's clinical depression,things like that that are
legitimate.
I'm just saying that these aresome things Quick temper,
impatience.
I never have that Like I'measygoing, quiet, like I'm
(21:13):
long-suffering.
I don't ever.
I'm never quick-tempered orimpatient.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
That's not true.
But what these things are is tosay like if you find yourself
more quick-tempered, snapping atyour kids, snapping at you know
, fast food workers, snapping atanybody, the dog more often and
more quickly than you normallydo, than it is, it's a symptom.
(21:39):
If you have a symptom and youhave a fever, it's a symptom of
something.
So that's what these things arethey're symptoms of something.
So you have to do the checkupand go okay, what's going on
here?
Maybe it's my cup.
My cup's full.
I've got to empty my cup.
Controlling behavior beingobsessive, compulsive.
I don't know why you'relaughing.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
You know why I'm laughing?
You're not compulsive, you'reobsessive.
So those two words together,but you are the obsessive I can
be obsessive, yes, but myobsessive is because I'm
obsessive.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
It's not because I'm mad or angry or have a full cup.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Okay, loss of affection and romance.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
And you would think well, that's just a given, Not
really, Not necessarily yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
So those are just some symptoms, like what happens
when your emotions are full ofnegative energy, negative
emotion, your cup's full.
You know, when your emotionalneeds aren't met, you will not
experience intimacy.
If they're not met, you'regoing to find disappointment,
pain, loss.
But what happens when you getyour needs met emotionally?
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Yeah, I mean you.
It's like you're back groovingand you can experience intimacy
again because you'll, you'll gothrough those, that, that stage
of just feeling like you're notconnected and like you're not on
the same page, and that that isa symptom too of you know, the
(23:14):
overflow of the negativeemotions.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
But we're talking about.
Sometimes you're not on thesame page.
There's sometimes you're noteven in the same book.
Yeah like and, and it reallyjust bleeds over that unmet
needs, like they're masked inanger, you know, and you just go
crazy.
But I like this.
(23:36):
It's easier to be angry thanadmit we're hurt.
Why, why do you think that is?
Why is it easier just to be madall the time?
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Well, I don't necessarily look at it like that
.
It's just easier.
I think that we don't want tobe vulnerable sometimes and tell
our spouse you know, you try tosuck it up or you maybe try to
move on, but realize you're justnot moving on because you don't
want to be vulnerable and saylike, hey, that really hurt me
(24:07):
or that really bothered me.
Because, going back to you knowemotional needs being unmet.
We all have emotional needs andyou know you said they're
disappointment, pain and loss Ifyou didn't meet my needs
because of you disappointed me,because you broke a promise.
(24:27):
Or pain because you hurt me andyou lied to me.
Or loss because you no longerare affectionate towards me or
you're not giving me, you know,attention and you're not
prioritizing me.
Those emotional needs beingunmet definitely turn into this.
You know this anger that we useas a tool instead of saying,
(24:50):
hey, I really miss, you know,time that we had together and
you putting me at the bottom ofthe you know the shelf now,
instead of the top of the shelf,has hurt me and it's wounded me
.
Or hey, like you've beentelling me, we're going to do
this and we're going to do that,and then you always find
(25:10):
something else to do and youbreak promises to me.
Or you know you lied to me.
You told me that you weren'tgoing to do this again and you
did it.
Or you know you told me thisdidn't happen, but it did.
Instead of just talking aboutthose things and being honest
and saying you know it did hurtme or it did bother me, instead
(25:32):
we just mask it and it doesbecome anger, and then that's
the overflow of all the stuff.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
But you know anger.
I think when you say anger,people think, well, that's just
people being unhinged, they'rejust mad and ranting and raving
and whatever.
And that's not just that.
There's many forms of anger.
You know anger is a quicktemper.
You know, if you're quicktempered, that's just the way I
am.
My daddy was that way.
Well, your daddy was angryabout something that his
(26:00):
emotional cup was full of, somenegative stuff that he didn't
deal with.
So I don't care.
If you know generational stuffis passed on, why don't you undo
it?
You know, if daddy was quicktempered, you don't have to be
quick tempered.
You can be meek, mild, you canbe long-suffering and you can
learn how to do somethingdifferent.
You know jealousy you talked alittle bit about that that anger
(26:22):
can come out in jealousy.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, Well, I mean and especially like, if you
don't feel like you're gettingvery much attention and that
you're not priority, then youcan become jealous of not even
just people in your spouse'slife, but the things they do,
their work, their hobbies.
I want to say this you can bejealous of your husband's or
(26:45):
your wife's ministry, becausesometimes that's not put in its
proper ministry and is not putin its proper place.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
We've dealt with that .
We'll just be honest andtransparent.
We've dealt with that.
Yeah, I mean, you know, we'lljust be honest and transparent.
We've dealt with that.
It is a and I think it goesback to sometimes we confuse God
and church and you don't knowwhat am I supposed to do?
I got to be a good boy or agood girl.
I got to do the things of God,because God's gonna be mad at me
(27:14):
if I don't do this.
And God's up there thinking,hey, come on, bro, pay attention
to your husband, pay attentionto your wife.
That's priority, you know.
So I think you're right.
Jealousy, I think impatience.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
You know, we know of somebody that on their birthday
dinner they went and was out inthe foyer on the phone the whole
time and they were talking to achurch member because their
daughter was dating a boy thatthey didn't like and they were
getting serious and they ditchedtheir spouse at their birthday
(27:47):
dinner for that.
So if I'm the spouse birthday,I'm I'm now, yeah, I'm creating.
You know, my cup is very fulland I am jealous of the people
in the church that get myspouse's time instead of me on
some, you know, an occasion likethat Right.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yeah, so anger.
Anger has many forms.
It's not just random raving andand being unhinged like, uh,
Russell Crowe Remember the movieunhinged, where he went in and
tried to kill everybody.
So it's not that it takes manyforms because it comes from the
emotion and the negative emotionthat's in your cup that you've
not emptied.
So how do you resolve it?
Speaker 2 (28:25):
I think you have to identify the hurt, identify what
it is.
When you see yourself actingout in some of these ways, being
jealous or being quick temperedor withholding affection,
whatever it is, I think you haveto identify the hurt and say,
okay, what, what is it here?
Is it one thing?
Is it three things?
And you've got to empty thosenegative feelings out and look
(28:51):
for resolve.
You've got to go to your spouseand say, okay, this is where
I'm at.
I'm seeing these things inmyself and I do not like them.
But I've identified where it'scoming from and we need to talk.
Nobody likes to hear, we needto talk.
But you got to say from and weneed to talk.
Nobody likes to hear, we needto talk.
But you got to say hey, we needto talk I'm going to disagree.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I I think that women don't mind.
We need to talk.
Men despise.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
We need to talk is there a better way to?
Is there something y'all wouldprefer?
Speaker 1 (29:22):
more.
You know that's a greatquestion.
I don't know that that's everbeen posed in the history of men
.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
It's probably, I mean maybe, but like what would you
prefer?
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Because you know the old joke is if your wife says we
need to talk, you're like oh mygosh, I'm in trouble now.
But if you tell your wife, hey,we need to talk, she can say oh
no, we don't.
And then you're like I don't,guess we do, you know, so I
(29:51):
don't know.
It's a good question.
How could you phrase thatdifferently?
Because I'm going to tell youif your wife and men can
identify with this, if your wifecomes to you and says, hey, we
need to talk, you automaticallyknow it's not good, it could not
.
It could just be that, hey, you, you know, I don't really like
going to that restaurant, let'sdo something different.
But in a man it strikes fearbecause they're like here we go,
(30:12):
here we go so it's youautomatically think well, if
mama ain't happy, nobody ain'thappy, and well no no, you
automatically, you automatically, you automate.
your mind automatically tellsyou mama's not happy.
Yeah, and I've screwed it upagain.
And here we go and I'm going tohave to take my lumps and I'm
in trouble and it's going to bebad, and I'm telling you that's
(30:33):
you know, I would say to thatjust don't get in trouble, like
stay out of trouble.
You ever met men.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
But I'm being honest, that really strikes fear in men
is that we need to talk becauseyou, because this is the way I
think of it because I love, I donot mind confrontation, I love
to always keep the air clear.
I don't think that yourconfrontation has to be ugly or
mean.
I just never mind to clear theair and because I feel like it
(31:01):
makes things better.
I don't like a cup, and so theway I think of it is when your
spouse says, hey, I need to talk, or we got to talk, or let's
talk, it's that they areinvested enough in the
relationship and they careenough about the relationship
that they want their cup to beemptied out with any things they
have against you.
I mean the Bible, you know.
(31:22):
The Bible even says you got togo to somebody when they when
they mess up.
Right, but they care enough andthey're invested in a
relationship that they want togo back to harmony and to peace
and to gelling with you andvibing with you and have an
intimacy with you, and so thisis actually an opportunity for
you to do better next time.
If you did mess it up, you knowit's an opportunity.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
That's what?
No, and trust me, I see that, Ido see that.
And and if men could grab ahold of that concept is that
most, and not everybody's thatway, some women are not that way
, but for the most part, thatyour wife wants to make things
better and clear the air withyou.
But most men don't think thatway.
Most men, and it's no excuse,okay, it's not an excuse.
(32:10):
Most men are under immensepressure.
They lay awake at night.
Uh, how am I going to pay this?
How am I going to take care ofthis?
How am I going to not let downthe people who depend on me?
How?
I'm telling you, man, it's likethat's.
Men think that kind of way.
And so one more thought of I'velet my wife down.
(32:33):
One more thought of how am Igoing to now hold up all the
pillars of my life?
And then, on top of that, themost important person in my life
is is is got problems too.
Men had.
I'm just telling you and thissounds crazy, but men rather
walk out in traffic and try tododge traffic than have a
conversation sometimes.
(32:53):
But I do think you're right.
I think you have to have thatconversation.
You have to identify the hurt.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Well, you know, okay.
So, bouncing off of what yousaid, you said men hate that
because of all the otherpressures they have.
But here's the thing.
You said men hate that becauseof all the other pressures they
have, but here's the thing.
Who normally is a man's safeplace?
Yeah, normally.
So it really, in the long run,is beneficial when you can get
the air cleared and the whatever.
(33:18):
Then you're back in harmony andyou can come home.
And there's something about awoman in a rooftop or I don't
know, I can't remember.
You always mess up.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yeah, I mean the scripture you're talking about.
I'd just rather be easier todwell on a rooftop than with a
contentious woman.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Okay.
So when you've got peace inyour marriage again, then that
can be a safe, soft place foryou when you're coming in from
all those pressures of the world.
So yeah, I confess it and youknow.
And then I'm big on owning yourpart.
I had a family member that wentthrough the steps of AA and we
(33:57):
talked a lot about that person.
They would, they would say I'vegot to own my part in this.
So sometimes you've got to ownyour part too, even if I'm
coming to you and saying, hey,when you told me we were going
to play pickleball saturday, butthen you forgot and told your
bros, y'all go meet, you know,and and play golf or whatever,
like you know, you let me downand and then you know if my part
was, you said, well, you saidthat you'd like to go, but we
(34:19):
didn't actually make plans thatI would have to own my part.
Well, I did say that.
Or you know, whatever, right,but own your part.
And then you've got to forgive.
You do, and forgive meansyou've got to let it go.
Forgive means you've got toabsolutely empty that cup out.
Though I was talking tosomebody else, because in the
marriage class we were eventalking about different things
and we talked to other marriedcouples and they said well, I
(34:41):
keep going back to the past andI keep bringing up the past.
So you've got you.
You're hurting yourself andyou're hurting your marriage
when you do not completely emptyout the cup and you keep old
things hanging around in thebottom of the cup.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
And I think that's it .
I think that's a really goodplace to end on is that you have
to completely forgive.
It's not partial forgiveness Ifyour spouse comes to you in a
true spirit of saying, look, Ihear you, I hear what I've done
to you and I am sorry.
Genuine repentance, genuine,I'm sorry.
Not, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(35:17):
Like, don't do a woman, I'msorry, I'm sorry.
That's not funny.
Yeah, I know that's our joke.
But uh, you know, really,really say, look, I'm sorry I
hurt you and and confess it andforgive it, just start over the
clean slate.
No, don't collect grievancesand think I'm just gonna keep a
few of these.
I'm just gonna keep a few ofthese burrs this gonna be good.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
I'll use this one next time.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
you know if you've ever had a bird in your foot or
anything like that.
Like a bone spur, it'sobnoxious.
So grievances are like bonespurs, it's just obnoxious.
You have to let all of it go,empty the cup and give your
dingle-headed husband a chanceto fill it up with some positive
(36:04):
stuff.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Yeah, because you know, remember, we are supposed
to be Christlike and imitateChrist.
If God forgets our junk, thenwho are we to keep hanging on to
each other's?
We've got to let it go.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Yeah, and that's not easy.
So what we're telling you isthat this is not an easy concept
, but you do have to realizethat you have an emotional cup.
But your partner also has oneas well, and so when you're
seeing things that are hangingout there that just maybe aren't
characteristic of who thatperson really is, you need to
think, okay, hey, what's intheir cup?
(36:39):
Let's see if we can figure out,get to the bottom of it and
empty this junk out so we canget back to jamming again.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Yeah, Feel your positive cup up with remembering
all the great things about yourspouse that you love.
You know, even when you dosomething that frustrates me, I
think, okay, like this man goesout of his way to help me.
He, he knows when I'mstruggling and picks up the
slack.
He asked me every single day,like how are you today?
(37:07):
How's your blood pressure?
Speaker 1 (37:08):
That's the recently he asked me three times a day.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
Like what you'll ask me, what do you need for me
today?
And like I don't take thosethings for granted.
Gratitude for your spouse canfill your cup up with positive
stuff quicker than you canimagine.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Hey, good stuff.
I'm going to tell you that wasthe best part of the podcast.
Right, there is the last part.
I mean, it really really was,and so thank you so much for
listening this morning.
Hey, listen, I'm telling youyour marriage is paramount.
God wants your marriage tosucceed.
Well, you don't know what we'vebeen through, I don't, but I
(37:53):
can tell you right now you canturn this thing around and, and
and.
Just go to your, go to yourspouse, and, and have genuine
forgiveness and you'll see someamazing things happen.
Hey, listen, if you, you arestruggling today, find somebody
who's going in the direction youwant to go, hop in the flow
with them and you'll see yourlife change.
Thank you so much for listeningthis morning.
Y'all have a great day.
(38:22):
I've been wanting this forever.
I've been in the field withwhatever they throw at me Brush
it off, pick myself up, movingon to the better.
Ain't no errors, baby, it's anew era.
I wake up early, feeling rich,like I'm Kesha.
Hey, good morning.
Good morning, this is Brad andI'm with my wife, tiffany.
Good morning, tiffany, goodmorning.
We are the host of the HustleFlow podcast and just coming to
you this morning we're going tobe talking about your emotional
cup and if you're married man,you're going to understand this
one, because your emotional cupcan get filled up real quick,
(00:40):
real quick, and we're going totalk about how that affects your
life and how it affects yourmarriage and how, maybe, to
empty that and kind of workthrough and find some positive
emotions.
But, hey, what's anythinghappening in your way tiff?
What's going on, anythingspecific that we uh, I've just
we've had so much going on thatwe can just filter through a
whole bunch yeah, still a lot ofindoor activities because it's
(01:02):
still hot.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
we had those three days that felt great and now I
think it's back to.
We had those three days thatfelt great and now I think it's
back to like maybe 97 today.
You know, I care about theweather all the time.
I realize that I'm the whateverinsurance company that is that
helps old people not act as old.
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I saw myself in the guy that was looking out the
window at the weather.
But it's an interesting day.
We're talking about emotionalcup and how it correlates to
marriage, but we were talkingabout her granddaughter's
emotional cup with Pastor Mike,our visit with her last night
and even at two and a half.
Her little emotional cup isfull of negative emotions.
(01:43):
Right now she's changed schoolsand she's not dealing with it
well and her little emotionalcup is overflowing with some of
the things we'll talk abouttoday, with all the big emotions
and she's a big emotion girl tobegin with.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
She's bigger than life and like I mean, she is
like her mother, her mother.
I remember one time we were outof town and we asked a friend
of ours to stay with him.
He thought that Dixie wasrehearsing for a play.
What it was is just her havingher big emotion, he said I
(02:26):
thought she was rehearsing forsome play at school, but so
she's like her mom.
Uh, she's like her.
Her grandmother, um, I'm notsure about the other grandmother
exactly how, how big emotionshe has, but I know you have big
emotion too and but yeah, she'sexperiencing a world of change
at two and a half and and it'suh, it's taking, taking a rather
sweet I don't say mild-mannered, but a sweet girl and turned
(02:52):
her into she's spicy.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I told her last night .
I kept telling her she wasspicy.
She kept saying I'm not spicy.
I said, oh, you are yes, that'sit.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
That's it she's.
It's taking that sweet girl andturned her into a spicy girl
because she's not dealing withthe change.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Then the other change is that we have a new grandbaby
.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yes, we do.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
But she has a new cousin and she does not like him
.
No At all.
It's funny.
We've tried twice to introduceher and neither time.
So I'm kind of like of theopinion of like let's ease back
and let her do this at her pace.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
but well, she was more interested in petting the
cat the other night than thantalking to her cousin.
Yeah and uh.
We asked her do you like yourcousin?
She said no, no.
I said okay.
I said well, here, touch jb,and she would not, but now take
that back.
She did, because we said ifyou'll touch him you can have a
gummy bear.
So she kind of like petted himreal quick so she could get her
(03:53):
gummy bear and that's really allshe cared about.
I got a picture of me holdingher the other night and holding
JB in my other arm and I think Itook five pictures.
Somebody did and you can see inevery picture she is going
opposite from him trying to getaway because it's like so yeah,
a lot of change, great changefor us.
We got a new grandson, johnBradford and two weeks old,
(04:16):
yesterday Doing great Mom'sdoing great Fun.
Change for them.
Mom loves to sleep and she'snot getting a whole lot of that.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
She said he's getting up every two hours.
I said that's all.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Wow, that's pretty impressive, but he's starting to
wake up.
He was three weeks early, butman, he's starting to wake up.
His big old eyes are lookingaround, but anyway.
So we want to jump in thismorning and talk about your
emotional cup.
Now tell me, give me somebackground about, maybe, where
(04:51):
this come from, our experiencewith it, and let's just jump in
there.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Well, I think the emotional cup, for one thing,
this is something we're talkingabout in the marriage classes
that we're doing on Wednesdaynight.
This will be what we'll talkabout next.
So it's fresh on our our mindright now, and I'm excited about
the marriage conference that wehave coming up september the
sixth, uh, fifth and sixth sixthand seventh.
Sixth and seventh, friday andsaturday that doesn't sound
(05:18):
friday night, saturday morningbut um, you know, um, because
the emotional cup can determinehow you interact with your
spouse and your intimacy level.
And we're talking aboutintimacy right now in our
marriage classes on Wednesdaynights.
But your emotional cup canaffect your intimacy level with
your spouse.
I was thinking about this asecond ago, I wonder.
(05:38):
You know, I wonder too if wehave different size cups.
Like some people, I wonder ifthey have a really small cup.
It doesn't take a lot, but,like if some people have the big
gulp cup, the 32 ounce, andmaybe even as marriage grows
your cup can get bigger.
Like what filled up my cupnegatively five years deep in
(06:02):
marriage doesn't fill up my cupnow at 30, 33 years in marriage.
So I think your cup can,definitely your capacity for
your cup of like negative stuffcan, can grow.
But um, yeah, we're going to betalking about the overflow of
whether it's filled upnegatively, with negative
(06:23):
emotions, or whether it's filledup with positive emotions and
kind of how you can identifythat.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yeah, well, you know, that's actually a good thought
and I'm glad you brought that up, thinking about different size
cups, because I think that'sright.
I think the more you're married, the longer you are married or
the longer you go through thingstogether and you work through
experiences, you work throughissues, you work through loss,
(06:51):
you work through problems, Ithink that it does expand your
cup and I think that when you'refirst married, unless you have
really good premaritalcounseling and listen, I'm going
to say this, we need goodpremarital counseling.
And listen, I'm going to saythis, we need good premarital
counseling.
If you're getting married, youneed to go find people who are
qualified and let somebody talkto you about being married.
(07:14):
And it's not they're trying toget up in your business, it's
that they're trying to save youheartache.
But, that being said, mostpeople don't do premarital
counseling.
They look and they fawn overhow good you look in a pink body
glove jumpsuit.
That was us.
I liked how you had the pinkbody glove jumpsuit.
(07:34):
I wish you still had it.
Oh my gosh.
Oh man, I don't.
Well, I do, but anyway that.
Or your cat suit, but anyway, Idigress, I'm going backwards,
but I think that when you'refirst married.
That cup is real small.
It's more like if you drinkespresso.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
It's more like espresso, like it's that two
ounce dopey old cup.
It's like that little mouthwashcup that they have in
Chick-fil-A, and I think why Ithought that is because this is.
I heard this this week.
So somebody that has beenmarried a very short amount of
time was talking about theirjealousy and they have just
(08:13):
enraging jealousy and they werein a restaurant and their
spouse's ex was there and theycouldn't even eat their food and
they've been married a fewyears and so my thought, being
married at 33 years, is that ifI now and I know I was jealous
and we were married because Iremember that, remember how
(08:33):
jealous I was when you weregoing to icc and that whole day,
like it was a terrible, oh noyeah, that's a.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
That's a defining moment in my life.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
I remember that ex-girlfriend that went to icc
and there's just no way shecould be on the same campus as
you when we were first married.
But I thought the last timewhen I was talking to these
people I was thinking now, ifwe're in a restaurant and your
ex is there, I would invite themover, share our appetizer, and
(09:02):
I'm not going to lose a secondof like not eating my food, for
sure that's not going to waste.
And so I was just thinkingabout that, about, yes, your cup
, I think, can be bigger,because you know we'll talk
about jealousy is one of theoverflows of of anger from your,
from your cup being full ofnegative emotions, anger from
(09:25):
your cup being full of negativeemotions.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
But you know my capacity now for some of that is
very, very large as to where mycup was a lot smaller back then
.
Yeah, and I'm not losing foodover your ex.
No, I can tell you right now,if your ex is cooking the steak,
I'm going to eat it.
And I mean you might say, hey,bro, come over here and sit down
, let's talk, but like I'm goingto eat it and I mean you might
say, hey, bro, come over hereand sit down, let's talk, but
like I'm not going to turn fooddown because somebody else
cooked it.
So yeah, yeah, I'm not that,I'm not that person anymore, but
(09:53):
so so all right, so let's justjump in, let's let's talk about,
let's talk about your emotionalcapacity.
We've just been kind of beentalking about that there.
But you can only hold so muchemotion before it spills out.
Now tell me a little, tell me,tell me your thought on that
particular thing, that you canonly hold so much.
It goes back to the size.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yes, yeah, but well, your, your cup, like like we're
saying like if you're filling itup negatively with your spouse,
it can be from a little bit ofoh.
You know he or she didn'tnotice this.
Or you know I've been trying toget their attention and they've
(10:42):
been on their phone a lotlately.
You know we've not had a datenight in forever and I'm always
the one that plans it.
You know we had plans to dosomething and you know he or she
changed them to go do somethingwith their mom and them or
their friends or with somebodyelse.
So those little things andthere's big things too sometimes
(11:04):
but those little things theylayer and they layer and they
layer.
When we're not resolving themuntil eventually it is going to
spill out and it's going tooverflow, right For sure.
Now your cup can be full withpositive stuff too.
When things are going great andwe all have those seasons.
(11:25):
Then it's layered with oh mygosh, I got a surprise gift.
You know he knows that's myfavorite candy bar and he
brought it home.
Or you know he planned asurprise dinner out.
He knows I love it when hepicks up his hats and I don't
have to see them.
And there's not a hat, you know, in sight, because that's, you
(11:47):
know, that bothers me, we'vetalked about that so many times
and so those things can fill thecup up positively.
So if your cup is fullpositively, then of course
you're going to have an overflowof love and joy and peace and
harmony in your relationship.
Love and joy and peace andharmony in your relationship.
But going back to the negative,which is what we'll talk about a
lot today, because you don'treally need to fix it.
(12:10):
There's no fix or work throughnecessarily when it is full of
the positive stuff no-transcript, I mean you can only hold on to
so much of that stuff beforeit's filled up.
Negative.
Now, like for I know, for me,at times those little things
(12:34):
will fill it up, but you canhave something big to fill it up
all at once, of course, such asSuch.
As you know, we talked aboutthe fire emojis.
You put a fire emoji onsomebody, something, or you know
something like that.
You, you know you make apromise to me and you break it.
(12:55):
Like some of those big thingscan fill it up all at once, I
think.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
How about an affair?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yeah, I was thinking fair.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
We'll fill your cup up quick.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
You know some people are going to say, well no, that
just destroys the cup orwhatever.
But yes, I think an affair youknow, breaking confidence lies,
those kind of things candefinitely fill it up fast.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
I think so too.
You know, as you were talkingthere, we were talking about
that you can fill it with fast.
I think so too.
I.
You know, as you were talkingthere, we're talking about
having that you can fill it withpositive emotions too.
But if you think of the concept, a lot of the time most people
who have this cup and we allhave the emotional cup okay, but
if you never empty the cup,then what you have is you have
(13:45):
positive emotion on top of abunch of negative emotion, and
so you may get if it spills over, let's just say it tips just a
little.
Well, if you have positiveemotion on top of the negative,
you may get a little positiveemotion.
You may say you know what,that's cool, we're good.
You may get a little positiveemotion and may say you know
what, that's cool, we're good.
But if the cup is tipped toomuch, then all of a sudden all
(14:08):
the positive that you've put anddeposited on top of it is going
to be eroded, because it's allthe stuff in the cup that's
coming out.
And so I think today we reallyneed to kind of just dive in and
talk about emptying thenegative part of the emotion
because it's easy to putpositive stuff in.
(14:29):
You know, if we're we're, we'regelling, we're jamming, you know
we're getting along and andyou're, you're being nice and
I'm being nice and I thank youfor so much for doing this and
thank you for so much for doingthat and I love you and you look
great and you smell great andlife is good and I.
That's easy to put that in thecup because and you know this,
we've Whenever your marriage isgood, it's easier for your
(14:53):
marriage to be good.
But when you are filled withnegative emotion in your cup,
even if you have positive thingsyou're depositing in, it goes
back to your emotional capacity.
If it's already full and youonly have an inch worth left in
your cup of positive emotion,you've got a lot of stuff
underneath that you've got towork out.
Yeah, because if your cup isfull of unhealthy emotions, um,
you've got a lot of stuffunderneath that you got to got
(15:15):
to work out.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, cause I mean, if your cup is full of unhealthy
emotions, the overflow isbitterness, resentment, anger,
guilt, fear, anxiety.
So when you have all that, justlike you were saying yes, if
when you have that, thosesymptoms do prevent you from
(15:38):
feeling positive emotions,because you can have that
positive stuff that is alsobeing put in there, but you're
blocked from being able toexperience that because of the
unhealthy emotions that your cupis full of emotions, that your
(15:58):
cup is full of, yeah, and Ithink too, like you've got to
and we're going to talk abouthow to empty that cup.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
But you've really got to identify.
Have you ever just I mean saidsomething out of line to your
spouse?
And it had nothing to do withwhat they just did, but it was
because something was eating atyou on the inside.
And all of a sudden, well, butit was because something was
eating at you on the inside andall of a sudden, well, I call it
emotional vomit.
You just emotionally vomit allover your spouse and they're
(16:21):
like what the heck, where didthis come from?
You're like, well, you know, ifyou were nicer and it's really
got nothing to do with them.
It's that you've got your cupfull of whatever is driving you
that you've not emptied.
You know and you think aboutsome of the side effects of
having an emotional cup that'sfull of negativity.
(16:42):
You know, one of the thingsthat can happen is sleep or
appetite disturbance.
You know, if you're full ofnegativity, it's hard to sleep
or it's hard to eat.
Just like the person we weretalking about, I can't eat.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah, and that's a life.
I can't imagine which part?
Appetite disturbance.
There's not much that's everdisturbed my appetite, I'm just
not wired that way.
But sleep, yeah, you know,people say sleepless nights.
I couldn't sleep last nightbecause this is all I thought
about.
I mean that happens.
Physical symptoms of, you know,anxiety attacks, ulcers, blood
(17:27):
pressure.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I'll go one for men erectile dysfunction, because
whenever you have negativeemotion and it gets it's there,
it can cause your body to notperform well, even in the
bedroom.
So then that causes its ownhost of problems.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
So there's physical symptoms yeah, there's
definitely physical symptomsassociated with this.
You know negative overflow andstuff.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Yeah, it just eats.
You know it eats at you and ifyou don't empty it, uh, loss of
energy concentration.
You know, you just kind ofaimlessly wander around and I'm
tired today, oh, I'm so tiredand I'm tired and I get tired.
Do you ever get tired?
Yeah, but every day I'm nottired.
You know, I, I'm like ourgranddaughter I'm not tired, I'm
(18:16):
not tired, I'm not tired Everyday.
You know, if you find yourselfthere, then you've got to
realize that maybe there's someemotion that's tied to that
that's driving you to keep youtired.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
I think that negativity is draining.
I think it does drain you andit exhausts you, but on the
other hand, you know, I thinkwhen you're full of positive
stuff and the joy from that, itcan fuel you, even when you may
even be tired or have a reasonto be tired.
But I do think it's drainingwhen you're.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Well, you think about negative people.
Yeah, negative people aredraining, yeah, and it's just
like the drag on the economy man, it's like the wet blanket.
You know what I mean.
You remember Saturday NightLive?
It's Pat.
Oh yeah, oh my gosh, and whowas it?
I can see her, but anyway,whatever you said, she would
(19:09):
always say the negative part toit.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Yeah, that wasn't it no, no.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
I can see her, but you part to it.
No, no, I can see her, but youknow what I'm saying.
And it was just like the dragon the economy and and do we all
?
Does everybody?
Can I tell you that I walkaround every day and I'm just
high-fiving everybody and justkicking it man, it's all good,
I'm positive, no, I'm not.
There's days that, there's daysthat I suck, there's days that
I'm not positive, I havenegative attitude.
(19:35):
And you'll tell me, hey, you'rebeing negative, and I'm like,
no, I'm not.
Yes, you are, and I'm like, no,I'm not, you know.
So then I realized, yes, youare, you're being negative, and
so, but it's a dream.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Yeah, I mean, you can also find yourself, I think and
this one probably is.
You know a lot of us.
Even sometimes you know me likeI can definitely see some of
this you escape into work ordrugs, affairs, pornography.
(20:08):
I know that work has alwaysbeen my, you know, since I've
suffered from being a workaholic.
It's your drug of choice?
Yes, it is, and so it is veryeasy for me to escape into that.
And since my job is a job thatI don't say have to work, you
(20:31):
know all my waking hours.
I get to work.
You know any of my waking hours.
I can to work.
You know any of my waking hours.
I can indulge myself in thatwhenever I feel like it.
So, but it is, it's easy toescape into, you know.
Of course social media is ahuge escape tool now, but you
can find yourself just escapingRight.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Right, depression, you know that's another thing
and I'm not saying please don'tmisunderstand I'm not saying
that everybody who's depressedis because it's all the negative
emotion that has affected them.
There's clinical depression,things like that that are
legitimate.
I'm just saying that these aresome things Quick temper,
impatience.
I never have that Like I'measygoing, quiet, like I'm
(21:13):
long-suffering.
I don't ever.
I'm never quick-tempered orimpatient.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
That's not true.
But what these things are is tosay like if you find yourself
more quick-tempered, snapping atyour kids, snapping at you know
, fast food workers, snapping atanybody, the dog more often and
more quickly than you normallydo, than it is, it's a symptom.
(21:39):
If you have a symptom and youhave a fever, it's a symptom of
something.
So that's what these things arethey're symptoms of something.
So you have to do the checkupand go okay, what's going on
here?
Maybe it's my cup.
My cup's full.
I've got to empty my cup.
Controlling behavior beingobsessive, compulsive.
I don't know why you'relaughing.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
You know why I'm laughing?
You're not compulsive, you'reobsessive.
So those two words together,but you are the obsessive I can
be obsessive, yes, but myobsessive is because I'm
obsessive.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
It's not because I'm mad or angry or have a full cup.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Okay, loss of affection and romance.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
And you would think well, that's just a given, Not
really, Not necessarily yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
So those are just some symptoms, like what happens
when your emotions are full ofnegative energy, negative
emotion, your cup's full.
You know, when your emotionalneeds aren't met, you will not
experience intimacy.
If they're not met, you'regoing to find disappointment,
pain, loss.
But what happens when you getyour needs met emotionally?
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Yeah, I mean you.
It's like you're back groovingand you can experience intimacy
again because you'll, you'll gothrough those, that, that stage
of just feeling like you're notconnected and like you're not on
the same page, and that that isa symptom too of you know, the
(23:14):
overflow of the negativeemotions.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
But we're talking about.
Sometimes you're not on thesame page.
There's sometimes you're noteven in the same book.
Yeah like and, and it reallyjust bleeds over that unmet
needs, like they're masked inanger, you know, and you just go
crazy.
But I like this.
(23:36):
It's easier to be angry thanadmit we're hurt.
Why, why do you think that is?
Why is it easier just to be madall the time?
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Well, I don't necessarily look at it like that
.
It's just easier.
I think that we don't want tobe vulnerable sometimes and tell
our spouse you know, you try tosuck it up or you maybe try to
move on, but realize you're justnot moving on because you don't
want to be vulnerable and saylike, hey, that really hurt me
(24:07):
or that really bothered me.
Because, going back to you knowemotional needs being unmet.
We all have emotional needs andyou know you said they're
disappointment, pain and loss Ifyou didn't meet my needs
because of you disappointed me,because you broke a promise.
(24:27):
Or pain because you hurt me andyou lied to me.
Or loss because you no longerare affectionate towards me or
you're not giving me, you know,attention and you're not
prioritizing me.
Those emotional needs beingunmet definitely turn into this.
You know this anger that we useas a tool instead of saying,
(24:50):
hey, I really miss, you know,time that we had together and
you putting me at the bottom ofthe you know the shelf now,
instead of the top of the shelf,has hurt me and it's wounded me
.
Or hey, like you've beentelling me, we're going to do
this and we're going to do that,and then you always find
(25:10):
something else to do and youbreak promises to me.
Or you know you lied to me.
You told me that you weren'tgoing to do this again and you
did it.
Or you know you told me thisdidn't happen, but it did.
Instead of just talking aboutthose things and being honest
and saying you know it did hurtme or it did bother me, instead
(25:32):
we just mask it and it doesbecome anger, and then that's
the overflow of all the stuff.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
But you know anger.
I think when you say anger,people think, well, that's just
people being unhinged, they'rejust mad and ranting and raving
and whatever.
And that's not just that.
There's many forms of anger.
You know anger is a quicktemper.
You know, if you're quicktempered, that's just the way I
am.
My daddy was that way.
Well, your daddy was angryabout something that his
(26:00):
emotional cup was full of, somenegative stuff that he didn't
deal with.
So I don't care.
If you know generational stuffis passed on, why don't you undo
it?
You know, if daddy was quicktempered, you don't have to be
quick tempered.
You can be meek, mild, you canbe long-suffering and you can
learn how to do somethingdifferent.
You know jealousy you talked alittle bit about that that anger
(26:22):
can come out in jealousy.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, Well, I mean and especially like, if you
don't feel like you're gettingvery much attention and that
you're not priority, then youcan become jealous of not even
just people in your spouse'slife, but the things they do,
their work, their hobbies.
I want to say this you can bejealous of your husband's or
(26:45):
your wife's ministry, becausesometimes that's not put in its
proper ministry and is not putin its proper place.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
We've dealt with that .
We'll just be honest andtransparent.
We've dealt with that.
Yeah, I mean, you know, we'lljust be honest and transparent.
We've dealt with that.
It is a and I think it goesback to sometimes we confuse God
and church and you don't knowwhat am I supposed to do?
I got to be a good boy or agood girl.
I got to do the things of God,because God's gonna be mad at me
(27:14):
if I don't do this.
And God's up there thinking,hey, come on, bro, pay attention
to your husband, pay attentionto your wife.
That's priority, you know.
So I think you're right.
Jealousy, I think impatience.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
You know, we know of somebody that on their birthday
dinner they went and was out inthe foyer on the phone the whole
time and they were talking to achurch member because their
daughter was dating a boy thatthey didn't like and they were
getting serious and they ditchedtheir spouse at their birthday
(27:47):
dinner for that.
So if I'm the spouse birthday,I'm I'm now, yeah, I'm creating.
You know, my cup is very fulland I am jealous of the people
in the church that get myspouse's time instead of me on
some, you know, an occasion likethat Right.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yeah, so anger.
Anger has many forms.
It's not just random raving andand being unhinged like, uh,
Russell Crowe Remember the movieunhinged, where he went in and
tried to kill everybody.
So it's not that it takes manyforms because it comes from the
emotion and the negative emotionthat's in your cup that you've
not emptied.
So how do you resolve it?
Speaker 2 (28:25):
I think you have to identify the hurt, identify what
it is.
When you see yourself actingout in some of these ways, being
jealous or being quick temperedor withholding affection,
whatever it is, I think you haveto identify the hurt and say,
okay, what, what is it here?
Is it one thing?
Is it three things?
And you've got to empty thosenegative feelings out and look
(28:51):
for resolve.
You've got to go to your spouseand say, okay, this is where
I'm at.
I'm seeing these things inmyself and I do not like them.
But I've identified where it'scoming from and we need to talk.
Nobody likes to hear, we needto talk.
But you got to say from and weneed to talk.
Nobody likes to hear, we needto talk.
But you got to say hey, we needto talk I'm going to disagree.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I I think that women don't mind.
We need to talk.
Men despise.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
We need to talk is there a better way to?
Is there something y'all wouldprefer?
Speaker 1 (29:22):
more.
You know that's a greatquestion.
I don't know that that's everbeen posed in the history of men
.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
It's probably, I mean maybe, but like what would you
prefer?
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Because you know the old joke is if your wife says we
need to talk, you're like oh mygosh, I'm in trouble now.
But if you tell your wife, hey,we need to talk, she can say oh
no, we don't.
And then you're like I don't,guess we do, you know, so I
(29:51):
don't know.
It's a good question.
How could you phrase thatdifferently?
Because I'm going to tell youif your wife and men can
identify with this, if your wifecomes to you and says, hey, we
need to talk, you automaticallyknow it's not good, it could not
.
It could just be that, hey, you, you know, I don't really like
going to that restaurant, let'sdo something different.
But in a man it strikes fearbecause they're like here we go,
(30:12):
here we go so it's youautomatically think well, if
mama ain't happy, nobody ain'thappy, and well no no, you
automatically, you automatically, you automate.
your mind automatically tellsyou mama's not happy.
Yeah, and I've screwed it upagain.
And here we go and I'm going tohave to take my lumps and I'm
in trouble and it's going to bebad, and I'm telling you that's
(30:33):
you know, I would say to thatjust don't get in trouble, like
stay out of trouble.
You ever met men.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
But I'm being honest, that really strikes fear in men
is that we need to talk becauseyou, because this is the way I
think of it because I love, I donot mind confrontation, I love
to always keep the air clear.
I don't think that yourconfrontation has to be ugly or
mean.
I just never mind to clear theair and because I feel like it
(31:01):
makes things better.
I don't like a cup, and so theway I think of it is when your
spouse says, hey, I need to talk, or we got to talk, or let's
talk, it's that they areinvested enough in the
relationship and they careenough about the relationship
that they want their cup to beemptied out with any things they
have against you.
I mean the Bible, you know.
(31:22):
The Bible even says you got togo to somebody when they when
they mess up.
Right, but they care enough andthey're invested in a
relationship that they want togo back to harmony and to peace
and to gelling with you andvibing with you and have an
intimacy with you, and so thisis actually an opportunity for
you to do better next time.
If you did mess it up, you knowit's an opportunity.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
That's what?
No, and trust me, I see that, Ido see that.
And and if men could grab ahold of that concept is that
most, and not everybody's thatway, some women are not that way
, but for the most part, thatyour wife wants to make things
better and clear the air withyou.
But most men don't think thatway.
Most men, and it's no excuse,okay, it's not an excuse.
(32:10):
Most men are under immensepressure.
They lay awake at night.
Uh, how am I going to pay this?
How am I going to take care ofthis?
How am I going to not let downthe people who depend on me?
How?
I'm telling you, man, it's likethat's.
Men think that kind of way.
And so one more thought of I'velet my wife down.
(32:33):
One more thought of how am Igoing to now hold up all the
pillars of my life?
And then, on top of that, themost important person in my life
is is is got problems too.
Men had.
I'm just telling you and thissounds crazy, but men rather
walk out in traffic and try tododge traffic than have a
conversation sometimes.
(32:53):
But I do think you're right.
I think you have to have thatconversation.
You have to identify the hurt.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Well, you know, okay.
So, bouncing off of what yousaid, you said men hate that
because of all the otherpressures they have.
But here's the thing.
You said men hate that becauseof all the other pressures they
have, but here's the thing.
Who normally is a man's safeplace?
Yeah, normally.
So it really, in the long run,is beneficial when you can get
the air cleared and the whatever.
(33:18):
Then you're back in harmony andyou can come home.
And there's something about awoman in a rooftop or I don't
know, I can't remember.
You always mess up.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yeah, I mean the scripture you're talking about.
I'd just rather be easier todwell on a rooftop than with a
contentious woman.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Okay.
So when you've got peace inyour marriage again, then that
can be a safe, soft place foryou when you're coming in from
all those pressures of the world.
So yeah, I confess it and youknow.
And then I'm big on owning yourpart.
I had a family member that wentthrough the steps of AA and we
(33:57):
talked a lot about that person.
They would, they would say I'vegot to own my part in this.
So sometimes you've got to ownyour part too, even if I'm
coming to you and saying, hey,when you told me we were going
to play pickleball saturday, butthen you forgot and told your
bros, y'all go meet, you know,and and play golf or whatever,
like you know, you let me downand and then you know if my part
was, you said, well, you saidthat you'd like to go, but we
(34:19):
didn't actually make plans thatI would have to own my part.
Well, I did say that.
Or you know, whatever, right,but own your part.
And then you've got to forgive.
You do, and forgive meansyou've got to let it go.
Forgive means you've got toabsolutely empty that cup out.
Though I was talking tosomebody else, because in the
marriage class we were eventalking about different things
and we talked to other marriedcouples and they said well, I
(34:41):
keep going back to the past andI keep bringing up the past.
So you've got you.
You're hurting yourself andyou're hurting your marriage
when you do not completely emptyout the cup and you keep old
things hanging around in thebottom of the cup.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
And I think that's it .
I think that's a really goodplace to end on is that you have
to completely forgive.
It's not partial forgiveness Ifyour spouse comes to you in a
true spirit of saying, look, Ihear you, I hear what I've done
to you and I am sorry.
Genuine repentance, genuine,I'm sorry.
Not, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(35:17):
Like, don't do a woman, I'msorry, I'm sorry.
That's not funny.
Yeah, I know that's our joke.
But uh, you know, really,really say, look, I'm sorry I
hurt you and and confess it andforgive it, just start over the
clean slate.
No, don't collect grievancesand think I'm just gonna keep a
few of these.
I'm just gonna keep a few ofthese burrs this gonna be good.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
I'll use this one next time.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
you know if you've ever had a bird in your foot or
anything like that.
Like a bone spur, it'sobnoxious.
So grievances are like bonespurs, it's just obnoxious.
You have to let all of it go,empty the cup and give your
dingle-headed husband a chanceto fill it up with some positive
(36:04):
stuff.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Yeah, because you know, remember, we are supposed
to be Christlike and imitateChrist.
If God forgets our junk, thenwho are we to keep hanging on to
each other's?
We've got to let it go.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Yeah, and that's not easy.
So what we're telling you isthat this is not an easy concept
, but you do have to realizethat you have an emotional cup.
But your partner also has oneas well, and so when you're
seeing things that are hangingout there that just maybe aren't
characteristic of who thatperson really is, you need to
think, okay, hey, what's intheir cup?
(36:39):
Let's see if we can figure out,get to the bottom of it and
empty this junk out so we canget back to jamming again.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Yeah, Feel your positive cup up with remembering
all the great things about yourspouse that you love.
You know, even when you dosomething that frustrates me, I
think, okay, like this man goesout of his way to help me.
He, he knows when I'mstruggling and picks up the
slack.
He asked me every single day,like how are you today?
(37:07):
How's your blood pressure?
Speaker 1 (37:08):
That's the recently he asked me three times a day.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
Like what you'll ask me, what do you need for me
today?
And like I don't take thosethings for granted.
Gratitude for your spouse canfill your cup up with positive
stuff quicker than you canimagine.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Hey, good stuff.
I'm going to tell you that wasthe best part of the podcast.
Right, there is the last part.
I mean, it really really was,and so thank you so much for
listening this morning.
Hey, listen, I'm telling youyour marriage is paramount.
God wants your marriage tosucceed.
Well, you don't know what we'vebeen through, I don't, but I
(37:53):
can tell you right now you canturn this thing around and, and
and.
Just go to your, go to yourspouse, and, and have genuine
forgiveness and you'll see someamazing things happen.
Hey, listen, if you, you arestruggling today, find somebody
who's going in the direction youwant to go, hop in the flow
with them and you'll see yourlife change.
Thank you so much for listeningthis morning.
Y'all have a great day.
(38:22):
I've been wanting this forever.
I've been in the field withwhatever they throw at me Brush
it off, pick myself up, movingon to the better.
Ain't no errors, baby, it's anew era.
I wake up early, feeling rich,like I'm Kesha.
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