May 18, 2025 • 51 mins
Nicole Fox knows the depths of loss and the heights of resilience, and she shares her inspiring journey with us in this moving episode. A devoted mother and tireless advocate from Bermuda, Nicole opens up about the heart-wrenching loss of her son Rico to gun violence and how it transformed her life. Her story is not just about tragedy but about finding purpose through pain, as she co-founded Mothers on a Mission to support families affected by violence. Nicole’s candid reflections invite us to understand the profound impact of violence on families and communities, and her unwavering commitment to advocacy and healing.
Nicole's journey is one of profound personal transformation, as she navigated her path to sobriety amidst relentless grief. Through spirituality and a 12-step program, she found strength and guidance, even in the darkest times. She talks openly about her battle with addiction, the role of divine intervention in her recovery, and the immense challenge of maintaining faith after her son's tragic death. Her narrative is a testament to the incredible power of forgiveness, inner resilience, and the light that can guide us through the darkest moments of life.
As our conversation continues, Nicole emphasizes the importance of community and shared experiences in healing. She speaks passionately about her mission to provide hope and solidarity to those grieving, highlighting the significance of parental forgiveness and community advocacy. By founding a support group for mothers who have lost children to violence, Nicole not only honors the memory of those lost but fosters a supportive environment for others facing similar struggles. Her story is one of legacy and overcoming adversity, rooted in faith and the unwavering strength of family, offering inspiration and guidance to anyone navigating the painful journey of loss.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm a hustler baby.
It's time for Hustle Herpodcast.
I'm your host, deshae Caines.
Hustle Her is all aboutinspiring women through real
life experiences that havehelped to mold and develop not
only me of motivation, a bit oftough love and some actionable
(00:26):
takeaways to be the best.
You, girl, you are in the rightplace.
Hey guys, this episode isbrought to you by Scudamart.
At Scudamart, you can buy, sellor rent a bike with them.
Make sure you head over totheir Hamilton location on
Church Street or their pageantlocation on Lover's Lane or on
wwwscootermartbm.
(00:46):
Hey guys, and welcome back toHustle Heart Podcast.
As always.
Thank you so much for spendingsome time with me today.
Big shout out to our seasonsponsors, 59 Front, as well as
Brown and Company.
New to our sponsor list isScootermart, as well as the
Women's Resource Center.
We want to thank all of themfor coming on board and making
this podcast episode soimpactful to those of you who
are listening today.
(01:06):
So today is really special tome and it's something that I'm
really excited to bring toeveryone.
When we look at the statisticsfor gun violence in Bermuda, you
really can't find a lot aboutit online, but what we've come
to realize is that over 65people have died as a result of
gun violence in Bermuda to date.
Someone who's very passionateabout that, who has significant
(01:32):
intimate relations with gunviolence and loss and grief, is
my next guest, who is MissNicole Fox.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Hi, nicole, hi, how are you?
I'm awesome, good, awesome.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Thank you so much for coming here today I genuinely
appreciate it and for being soopen and willing to have this
conversation.
Yeah, yeah, all right, forcoming here today I genuinely
appreciate it and being forbeing so open and willing to
have this conversation.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
So before we jump right in, I'mgonna ask you a few questions,
just kind of get to know you alittle better.
So the first thing that comesto mind is what you answer.
Okay, call them quick, rapidfires, all right.
So tell me your favorite colorblack.
I love that.
(02:00):
That was so easy too.
Most people like black thatwork okay, perfect.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
All right, I know it just passed, but your cop match
team st george's oh cool, I know, oh no, that's why I've been
wearing black for a while.
Yeah morning.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
That's hilarious, okay, so tell me um your
favorite time of day lunch timelunch time.
Why lunch?
It's time to eat.
That's hilarious, okay, so tellme your favorite time of day
Lunchtime.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Lunchtime why lunch?
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It's time to eat.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
That came from my years of competing Okay, and I
was always hungry whilelunchtime.
Okay.
So I just convey to you how.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Love that.
What's most important to you?
My children.
Okay, and then what do you liketo do for fun?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
gym gym.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Yes, so I'm new on this gym journey.
I don't wouldn't say it's funyet, but we'll get there at some
point.
We'll get there, all right.
What's the biggest learningexperience you've ever had?
Dealing with adversity okay,and then what would you say is
your biggest strength?
god I love that, all right.
So we invited you here today totalk about um one, about your
(03:12):
the you've.
You are the co-founder ofmothers on a mission, um, and so
we're definitely going to getinto that in a little while and
you know how that started.
But specifically to talk aboutyour journey um a mom, but also
dealing with the death of yourson, rico.
So in January 23rd 2013, yourson was passed away due to gun
(03:34):
violence in Bermuda.
Tell me about that day that youfound out what happened to your
son.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Yeah, it was a bad day.
He was laying in bed, son.
Um, yeah, it was a banisterstaying in bed.
Um, we came up to your house,my house, my part of the house,
and he said I'm gonna chill outdownstairs at my mother-in-law's
house she had, she was goingaway, so the boy, she spent a
lot of time up there instead ofdownstairs.
(04:02):
Um, and it's like, yeah, I'mgonna chill out.
So he went after that.
Um, skya and zachary my othertwo young ones, they came up.
I'm like we're gonna chill out,donnie hoes.
So I'm saying it came out, allmy boys, sandy hoes, they're
chilling.
(04:22):
I'm laying there watching TV andI got a phone call from Rika's
dad and he's like what are youdoing?
I'm like why you know?
And he says Rika has been shot,rika and Haile has been shot,
oti shot.
(04:42):
And I'm like why is Haile intough shoes?
Because Rika used.
And I'm like why is Haile outof tough shoes?
Because Rico used to say allthe time I'm out of the shop and
he used to always be out ontough shoes out on Court Street.
I'm like why is Haile out there?
So I'm not thinking Belvin's andI just stay right on the corner
from Belvin's and just when hesaid that I heard this, this
(05:06):
large scream, and it was Haile'sgirlfriend and I came outside
because Haile and I stayed.
We stayed right next to eachother, it was like just a close
neighborhood and our mom.
So I went down the house and Ibanged on the door to my other
son so I'm like we could havebeen shot.
So we all just ran out toBalvin's and I'm not sure which
(05:33):
one, whether it was your daddyor your uncle.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
It would have been my dad at the time, my dad at the
time looked at us and said he'sgoing to the hospital.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
You know he's already gone to the hospital.
You know he's already gone tothe hospital.
So I'm like, is he?
breathing and he's like yes, soI was like okay my two sons
other sons decided not to comedown to the hospital.
So I went down to the hospitaland on the back of a bike, which
I didn't think I was going tomake it it was Haile's
(06:05):
girlfriend at the time and sheworked, so we were both just out
of it and once we got downthere, you know, they wouldn't
let us in.
And then eventually they let usin to a little private room and
we sat there and we waited.
Haile's family was there, myfamily was there, my family was
(06:27):
there.
Many doctors came in and theysaid they came in with Harley
for us Doctors said you know,family of Harley, alderbridge.
The whole room went up in anuproar and I remember looking at
Miss Alderbridge and saying toher what happened to Farbid.
They talked about Alder, her.
What happened to Farbett?
She talked about Otterbridge.
(06:47):
What happened to Farbett?
And she looked at me, she heldmy hand and she said no news is
good news, nick.
So I said okay, not sure howmuch longer.
After that Short white man Withhis hair wrapped, like you know
(07:07):
, in a sergeant's uniform cameon.
So I don't know if you know theextent and I'm like, okay, he's
starting to talk.
The other one didn't go throughwith this with the extent of
highly dangerous, but he'ssaying so I'm thinking he's
gonna say he survived, but he'ssaying so I'm thinking he's
(07:27):
gonna say he survived or he'sfighting um.
He took three bullets rightblank to his chest and he did
not make it.
Don't remember too much afterthat.
I don't remember too much afterthat.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I'm I'm so sorry to take you back one to that moment
, but I appreciate you beingwilling to discuss that with us.
But when we think of you knowso many people so far removed
from that moment right, theydon't understand the families
that are affected by it, thatare affected by it and what I
wanted to do here with you todayand for everyone listening or
(08:05):
watching.
I did ask permission to havethis conversation with you and
to ask these questions, but Iwant people to understand the
intimacy of those moments, thatit's people that are so close
and they have families, andyou're a mom who lost her son in
that moment and life for youchanged.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
It's never been the same.
Nothing is the same, absolutelynothing.
I can't even say I have afeeling that's the same.
My love and respect for othersare not the same.
(08:45):
I thought I couldn't love mychildren anymore.
But once I lost one, the lovefor the ones I have left is
going tremendous.
It is a catch-22.
Because in one breath you'relike waiting for the other shoe
(09:08):
to drop, loving on them so muchthat you don't want to lose them
.
But in reality it wasn't yourfault that you lost one in the
first place.
The respect I have for peoplewhen I look at people today, my
outlook on people in generalhuman beings have changed.
(09:30):
I'm more conscious on how Itreat people.
Today, everything has changed.
I will never forget one time Iwas using the bathroom and I was
so mesmerized by the toiletpaper coming off the room Like
(09:51):
that was so enlightened to meand I couldn't understand why.
But it just shows that nothingis the same anymore.
I never understood.
I mean, nobody just takesadvantage, but this was rolling
off and it was like I neverlooked at it.
I just took it for granted.
It's just toilet paper, butthat's how deep everything
(10:14):
changed with me On that dayafter that day After that day
nothing remained the same.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, I want to take it back a little bit because
most people would assume thatthe death of a son in that way
is a major life changing eventand that's enough to last
someone for a lifetime.
But you've also had your ownjourney prior to that date.
So walk me through a little bitabout young Nicole and some of
the things you kind of wentthrough growing up before Rico's
(10:42):
death.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Yeah, I was a wild one Kind of went through growing
up before Rico's death.
Yeah, I was a wild one.
And some might say I still am,but on the good side of wild
today.
I got involved with drugs at avery young age.
Very promiscuous, yeah, yeah.
(11:11):
I was.
I would say that when I lookback at age 21.
I was a full-blown addict well.
I smoked and got high every dayat age 21.
Well, whereas I thought I was afunctioning addict.
But as years went on, um, Ireally wasn't okay.
I couldn't work, I lost jobs.
That was my full-time job.
It consumed your life.
It consumed everything I had.
(11:33):
Given my mother custody of mykids.
I could not raise them.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
I was in the grips of my addiction very bad to the
age of 38 wow, and what was thatpivotal moment where you
decided to come out of youraddiction?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I wouldn't say I did.
I think god had a differentplan got it.
You know, I just I rememberwanting something different for
myself.
I was.
I was sick and tired of beingsick and tired.
I remember having one dayhaving my house full of people
with drugs and alcohol.
I remember having everything Ineeded and I remember going into
(12:18):
my bathroom and crying andasking God for help.
I remember reaching out andsaying I don't want this anymore
.
And I remember crying.
They was not going to do it,nick, you all right, you all
right.
And I'm like, yes, I'm okay,just leave me alone.
And I had that personal talkwith God and, of course, I came
(12:39):
back home and ran on about myjourney and a couple of days or
weeks later, the bailiffs came.
I thought they just was takingmy husband, but they took me too
, and that was a change.
That was something that I think.
God took me to a place where Icouldn't get clean outside of
(13:06):
jail, so he took me away from itand saved my life.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
It's one of those things where people and people
get angry when people say this,but sometimes it's.
Everything happens for a reason.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Everything happens for a reason.
Now, prior to that, I had beenjailed already.
Before that too, okay, and thatdidn't change me.
Okay, and that didn't change me.
Okay, but for whatever reason,I remember going to jail this
time falling on my knees andcrying like I've never cried out
to God in my life.
And when I got up off the floor, I had such a freedom that,
(13:42):
even though I was behind bars, Iwas the happiest person going.
I had this joy in my heart.
It was like whoa, I feel sohappy right here.
I was scared to leave becausewhat was out there I didn't want
to go back to.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
How was the recovery process of coming off of drugs?
Speaker 2 (14:07):
The recovery process for me.
I done a 12-step program.
For many years I hung withpeople, I talked, I cried with
people that were struggling withthe same disease as me.
I sat on committees, I doneconventions disease as me.
I sat on committees, I doneconventions.
I just dug right in to a12-step program and it was
(14:33):
beautiful.
I don't do it today, but that'sa different story.
Again After RICO, I needed togo right to disease.
Yeah, got you so RICO was aturning point.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
After Rico, I needed to go right to the source.
Yeah got you, so Rico was aturning point for you.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Rico was definitely a turning point for me.
I mean not only spiritually,but personally.
I had to figure out who I wasoutside of Rico Farbott's mom,
in order for me to be healthyenough for Zachary and Skia.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
And how do you maintain your sobriety after
something like that, becausethat's so traumatic that one
would almost understand having amoment of you know, going back
into a lifestyle where you wereable to cope right In a
situation like that.
Like, how did you maintainduring those times?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
I just remember that night I had no desire to use.
So this is where I'm trying totell you how God is real.
God removes desires that I hadno desire to use that night.
And if I didn't have the desire, if the initial shock of weaker
(15:49):
staff did not send me back,then the next day I had no
excuse.
The next day I had no right to,because now I've got all the
tools I can get the help I need.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
So if the initial shock didn't do it, then the
next day I had no right to do itthat's significant because,
especially when you're lookingat it from that perspective,
right, because in that moment,like I'm sure, most people were
like how do you even rationalizeor think that that's okay, you
know not okay, but like, okay,cool, if I didn't do it last
night, I definitely shouldn't bedoing it today, because that's
(16:23):
such a traumatic event in yourlife and God also showed me that
that night, about two weeks,three weeks later, I woke up in
the middle of the night and Idoubted myself as a parent.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
I woke up and I started crying.
I'm like why aren't I full?
Why aren't I filled withdepression, anger, hatred,
sleepless nights?
Why don't I have the look I seein all of Rico's friends and
family?
Why don't I have this?
Did I not love myself?
So I doubted myself and Godspoke and I heard his voice so
(16:56):
clearly.
He said that night you asked meof two things a forgiven heart
and a peace of mind.
And I have granted you bothDon't look back.
And that's when I reminded meafter the doctor had said what
he had said, Rico didn't make it.
I remember coming to him and Iwas sitting on the floor by the
(17:18):
elevators in the hospital and Ido remember asking God for a
forgiving heart and a peace ofmind.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Yeah, I and he had granted me yeah, and to be able
to do something like that inthat moment takes also takes a
significant amount of strengthwhen you really think about it,
because when someone does youwrong, or your child or your
family or anyone wrong, almostimmediately you want to get back
at the person who did thatwrong, to the person that you
(17:47):
love, so in that moment, be ableto ask god for forgiveness.
It shows a significant amountof strength on your behalf,
because who, who would have everthought that that's?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
what it would have been the first ask I, I, I.
I didn't know why I asked, butthat was the first thing that I
ever asked God.
That was my immediate response.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah, and so when you have a son who passes away from
gun violence in such a tragicmanner right Immediately, you
know obviously people, they comearound right.
And they're there for you andyou know their shoulders are
crying on and all of that.
What happens after some timehas passed and does it dwindle?
Do people still check on youlike, how does that grieving
(18:32):
process, how does that work?
And I'm sure it's still goingon today, but how, how was that
for you when?
Speaker 2 (18:39):
the phone calls stopped coming.
That's when the reality reallykicked in.
But how long, would you say?
That took, I can't remember,okay, but it was a process
because before I paid thewindows off, it wasn't like in
three weeks nobody called.
(19:00):
It was just a gradual and I getit.
I understood it.
But it taught me that now Ihave to lean on a power that has
some power.
I can't depend on people tomake me feel good.
I had to learn how to focus andsurvive without my codependent.
(19:20):
So that's when I got a strongerrelationship with God.
I had to go to some power thathad some power because I was
weak yeah I was done and nooffense to anyone, but a lot of
people that were there tosupport me had never been
through what I had been through.
So they didn't know what to say.
(19:44):
You just don don't know.
It's really nothing you can sayyeah, it's the truth, yeah, you
know so.
But so, and I didn't want to bepitied, but I saw pity in their
eyes for me and I didn't wantto fall as nobody's victim.
I'm victorious, you know and Ihad to turn around a lot of
(20:05):
things that people thought whatgrief looked like.
Yeah, grief looked like thisand that's how I had to act.
No, I don't want to be.
I don't want.
I didn't want to be pitied noyes, I dealt with a tremendous
(20:25):
loss and, but I'm not.
I lost Rico.
I'm not losing myself.
You took him, but you're nottaking me.
Yeah, I had to look at thingsso much differently, like, no, I
had just got clean.
I am free from drugs.
I had got clean.
(20:48):
I had lost my dad.
I got clean in 2006.
2006, my dad died.
2009, the exact same date of mydad's death, my only brother
was killed in a bike accident.
2011, my mom died.
(21:09):
2013,.
Rico died.
So I had back to back to backtragedies and I was clean
through it all.
So I wasn't letting no one takeaway.
Let me show you something.
When I stopped using for acouple of days, I saw a little
light.
It was a tiny light and eachday I didn't use and I asked God
(21:33):
for guidance.
That light got bigger andbigger.
So I was already walking inlight.
I wasn't allowing anybody totake me back to the darkness
that God had just delivered mefrom.
That was dark.
That world of addiction wasdark.
That world of addiction wasdark.
I would rather live without myson and walk in light than to
(21:55):
live with my son and go back toaddiction.
Wow, that's significant.
So I am quite okay withallowing God to use me.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
So it's amazing to me that you said over those five
years, all of that happened postaddiction, right.
And then we fast forward a fewmore years and we have Zachary
Fox, and then we also have ClarkFox.
Walk me through what happenedwith Zachary and then Clark Um
2020, 2019.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
I had, um, I was laying in my bed and we had
heard all these gunshots.
I jumped up and I ran becausemy house is here and Zachary and
my mother-in-law and this guyis downstairs, and I ran and I
banged on Zachary's outside.
He said I'm all right, mama.
(22:52):
I ran and this guy stayeddownstairs and I ran and I
banged on Zachary's outside door.
He said I'm all right, mama.
I ran downstairs to this guyI'm all right.
I said, okay, that was in 2019.
Call the police.
18 bullets were fired into thathouse.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
This is your home.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Yes, when my son, my mother-in-law and my other son
stayed.
I stayed on the low side withmy husband.
And that was very disturbing.
All I could think about was Ican't bury another son.
(23:33):
That was 2019.
2020, I am doing a project formy grandson over a friend of
mine's house, getting a projectready for Father's Day no,
(23:55):
Valentine's Day in February, andI had just taken him home.
I had just taken him home andwent over to my friend's house
to get this project going andthen I got a phone call and it's
Zachary.
And then I got a phone call andit's.
Zachary and it's saying, Mom,I've been shot.
(24:18):
I don't remember too much afterthat either, but I do know that
he did survive.
He got shot in his shoulderonce again.
My house was full of bullets.
I had made an appeal to let metake my son out of here, this
second attempt on his life, and,needless to say, that didn't
happen.
But he survived.
(24:39):
Clarkie came.
Clarkie came to be with hisbrother.
Two weeks later, he was shotout on Court Street and killed
(25:03):
in March 2020.
So at that time I became veryangry.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
I was angry with God let me get you some tissue,
sorry, after.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
You know, dealing with Rico was one thing.
I'm okay after the amulet,after dealing with Rico and
basically after the Amquit,after dealing with Rico and
basically, depending on God,right now I'm married.
Clark is deaf took a heavy tollon me a very heavy toll, so I
(25:50):
went in me and God headed out me, headed out me.
I'm very happy too, so I wentto you.
Me and God had it out we had itout.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Sometimes you have to .
Speaker 2 (26:04):
And afterwards he said you okay, now, got it all
out of your chest, you got workto do.
Yeah, you know, got it all outof your chest, you got work to
do yeah.
I don't understand why this ismy cause to bear, but I do know
(26:26):
that I don't bear it alone.
Yeah.
And that's what just needs me.
I know that I don't know yeahit's me 100, and when it gets
too heavy, I know what to go.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
And that's too, god, and that's too yeah I, I mean
nicole, out of everything thatwe've spoken about so far, one
of those things is enough totake anybody out.
You know, in terms, mentally,physically, you know,
justification of the lack ofwanting to do anything in life
(27:05):
anymore through um, just onewould be justification for that
right.
And so, when we look at all thethings that you've been through
and you're still so strong andwilling to share your story and
willing to be able to come andspeak about it, like how I mean,
no, we spoke about god, butoutside of that, like what keeps
(27:25):
you going every day?
Speaker 2 (27:27):
um, my grandbabies and my other children, and I
have this awesome husband hey, Ihave the best husband ever.
I know you guys' husbands are,but I know that God has blessed
me with an awesome man.
I love that.
Who has stood beside me.
We have been through everything.
(27:48):
He's also a recovering addict.
We met in addiction.
We married, we baptizedtogether.
We came through.
He was right there when weburied.
He was Rico's dad.
You know he stepped there.
Him and Rico's dad are veryclose.
(28:08):
They have an awesomerelationship and seven years
later I'm right there with himto bury his son.
So we've both experiencedburying sons to gun violence.
So he is one of my biggestsupporters.
(28:30):
He is one of my biggestsupporters and he is one of my
biggest supporters.
And he always says and evenbecause dad says they didn't
know what they would have done,they couldn't have asked for a
better person to go through withme, and I think I'm like whoa.
Like if it wasn't for you guys,where would I be?
So I have a good support systemand another thing that keeps me
(28:54):
grounded and keeps me going isthat I wasn't just Rico
Farbett's mom, it was ZacharyFox's mom and Skia Farbett's mom
and they deserve the healthymom.
If I would have given up andallowed Rico's tragedy to
destroy me, I don't know wherethose boys would be today.
(29:18):
It would not have been lookwhat you've done to my brother,
but now look what you've done tomy mama, and that's a whole
different level when it comes toa son and his mom.
So I knew I had to be healthyenough to at least help them
navigate through adversity.
And so every morning I woke upI knew that those boys were my
(29:44):
main focus.
And now they have kids and mygrandchildren and everything too
.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
How many grandchildren do you have?
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Two I have an eight-year-old now and a
two-and-a-half.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Nice, yeah, yes, that's amazing.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
One boy and one little girl, first girl since me
.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
I was going to say it's not like you had little
boys in the family, so I'm gladyou got the girls now yeah so
between my husband and I, wehave five boys.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Oh my goodness no girls.
I didn't have any sisters.
My husband doesn't have anysisters.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
She's spoiled, then she's super spoiled she is, she
deserves it.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Yeah, she deserves it .
Speaker 1 (30:17):
That's okay.
Yeah, so when we think of youknow post, you know Rico, post
Zachary, post Clark, do you everfind yourself, I guess,
questioning how you parented oranything that you could have
done differently?
Is there a lot of guilt orshame around their death and or
(30:39):
what happened to Zachary inthose moments, and how do you
kind of deal with that?
Speaker 2 (30:44):
okay, um, yeah, of course I was not the best parent
.
I was riddled with addiction.
If I could have been a betterparent, I would have, but
unfortunately my choices didn'tallow me to be.
But I had an awesome mother whoraised those boys with love and
(31:10):
gave them a solid foundation.
She taught them.
I'm so grateful for my mom,who's no longer here, but she
never gave up on my boys and shehad all three of them.
She kept them together.
She's like Nick, if you can, Iwill take all three.
I'm not taking one.
One is not going to foster care, especially when I had the
(31:31):
youngest one.
It's just like no, I'm going toone.
When it's not getting enforcedto care, especially when I had
the youngest one, it's just likeno, I'm going to take him too.
So I had an awesome, awesomemother, but during Rico's death,
of course I questioned myselfwhat could I have done
(31:54):
differently If I wasn't strongout on drugs?
Would they have not gravitatedto or be in a lifestyle that
would cause their death, or evento an extent?
But I knew, getting clean, thatI cannot cry over spilled milk.
(32:17):
So, no, I did not pull thattrigger.
So no, I do not blame myself.
I have forgiven myself.
Rico had forgiven me.
He, my boys, I was clean whenRico died, I was drought free
(32:39):
and I was very much in theirlives.
And Rico, every day, told me heloved me.
We had already had thatconversation.
He had already forgiven me.
It was nothing that I wish Icould have said or something
that wasn't said that I wish itcould have happened.
No, everything had already beensaid.
So he was proud of me and hehad forgiven me.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
That's really all you can ask for.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
And that's all I needed.
And that's all I needed and interms, the way I look at my
other boys today forgiveness andconstant support.
So no, I don't blame myself.
I don't question my parenting.
I knew that I was incapable ofanything other than I was able
(33:32):
to give because of the choices Ihad made.
I couldn't be a good parentbecause I was riddled with drugs
.
I couldn't fight that.
I couldn't.
I just couldn't be both.
You can't be an addict and agood parent, you know.
So the choices I made was thebest way I could be a parent.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
But that time that you once you got clean, and that
time that you spent with yourfamily, no one can ever take
that away from you right andthat forgiveness that your son
gave to you.
How did that feel after havingthat moment of him saying I
forgive you?
Speaker 2 (34:07):
It was great, especially when I heard his
friend saying we get so proud ofyou.
We get so proud of you.
I remember wanting 24 for meand then dancing in the parade
and he rode his push bike downin the rain with me.
When I got down on Front Streetand then you had Zachary and
(34:28):
Sky at the finish line waitingfor me.
It was just like my boys.
They just loved me.
They loved me till I learned tolove myself and that was
amazing.
It's an amazing feeling BecauseI see so many parents that try
(34:49):
to get a relationship if theirchildren have the addiction and
the children.
It's a hard pill to swallow anda lot of children don't.
Yeah, a lot of children find ithard to forgive their parents.
Yeah, because we do some damage.
We damage our children when wemake choices beyond them.
(35:10):
We damage them.
Yeah, well, I had a mom thatshared, showed them that your
mom does love you.
She's just making better choicesright now.
So I don't know.
I don't know, but I was justone of the fortunate ones and my
boys just automatically allowedme back into their lives.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
You're absolutely right.
I think a lot of times peopledon't forgive the parent when
they're going through that,because people don't understand
that addiction is a disease.
Right, and yes, you did makethe choice to start taking the
drugs, but once it takes overyour life, it's, it's literally
that it takes over your life.
And so, um, because we've seenit, most recently with simone
biles and her mom trying to comeback in her life and one of her
(35:54):
siblings being open to it andher not- well on what we see
actually, because we don't knowfor sure, for sure, right.
But you know, with those things,like you're absolutely right,
people go into situations, um,that they have to deal with, to
cope with parents who areaddicted, and sometimes you're
just not as forgiving,especially if you remember
certain things, um.
So I'm I'm so grateful that youwere able to have that with
(36:15):
your boys, because you know itcould have been a different
process post his death ratherthan where you are now where I
am today.
Yeah, exactly so, afterobviously we've we've covered a
lot right and um, one of thebiggest things that made me want
to reach out to you was youradvocacy around support when it
comes to just mothers who haveexperienced violence period.
(36:37):
Right, not just gun violence,but um, violence period, um, and
I think and again I know I saidit already, but you've been
through enough to not have toadvocate.
You know what I mean like youcould crawl into a ball and no
one will fault you for that,right.
So where do you find thecourage to be an advocate now
for community support and tryingto end this gun violence or
(36:58):
just violence period and thisgang culture that we currently
have in Bermuda?
Where do you find the strengthto to do that?
Speaker 2 (37:06):
well, when it happened to Miss Alderbridge and
I, um, we looked at each otherand we had this like what, what
do we do now?
Because she was my neighbor andwe came up.
It's like, where do we go?
It's nothing for us.
And so we brainstormed and wewanted to start a support group
(37:29):
for mothers that have lost theirsons to violence.
And so we started it and Iremember every time it was one I
remember sitting down in thehospital like no one understood.
It was just Ms Alibria.
(37:50):
She knew and I knew.
But then how about those mothersthat sit there?
There's no one that can really,because a mother feels
completely different A fatherhas.
I can't speak on a father, butI'm sure it's just as deep.
But I know for me, just beingthere to let someone else know
(38:16):
there's hope was very importantto me, because I looked around
and I had to find my hope.
It was no wonder to tell me itwas hope.
I looked for my hope and I wentto God.
So I found hope.
But a lot of people don't havethat.
That goes straight to him.
(38:37):
So if I can just be in thepresence or just be close by so
that I can let someone else knowthat they're not alone, because
that was the most loneliestplace to ever be, like I had the
utmost support, but not one ofthose people that supported me
(39:00):
had been sitting where I wassitting.
So, I still felt so alone, andthat was one of the hardest
things, although I know you wantto help, but you haven't been
in my shoes.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
You never walked in my shoes, you haven't.
So I just wanted want to help,but you haven't been in my shoes
.
You never walked in my shoes,you haven't.
So.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I just wanted to let someone else know any mother
know that you're not alone.
No one wants to be.
No one signs up to be a memberof Mount Bermuda.
You know it's not somethingthat, oh, when I grow up no.
But it's not something that, oh, when I grow up no.
But it's available and with myyears of doing the 12-step
(39:41):
program, I understood theimportance of support and being
around like-minded people inthis struggle together, and
that's what saved my life.
So I want to be there forsomeone else In a similar
setting.
A wrong grief and loss.
Speaker 1 (40:02):
So you spoke, you mentioned and we talked about it
earlier mother's on a mission,mom, and what would you say is
one of your most significant ormeaningful, I should say,
experiences through mom thathave helped you in your own
healing process?
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Yeah, the mothers that come out.
I have an awesome community themothers that come out.
But the most rewarding one waswhen we first done our Medicaid,
and it was 2020.
(40:48):
Your clarkie had died and we'reno cop match.
It was curving.
Yes, I wanted to do somethingjust to remember the boys who
are on emancipation, just tohonor all those that lost their
lives to violence.
I didn't want this island toforget what is happening and
just to bring awareness and forthem to remember.
So we've done this, medicaid andthe mothers that came out and
(41:12):
their stories and their support,and their stories and their
support and just so gratefulthat we even exist.
Yeah.
It was so rewarding becauseenough times I wanted to just
throw in the towel and say it'snot working.
But this year, once again, wehad one mother that came out.
(41:34):
She said she hit me up themorning off.
She said God said I'm ready todo it now.
What time does the murder casestart?
And I have been inviting her.
She knew about it.
But she said she's not ready.
And if we do it, if one persongets healed by it, then it's all
worth it.
(41:54):
So we traveled the whole island, do do do, just remembering all
those that have lost theirlives to senses.
I mean, each one is senses,yeah, senses, yeah.
But we also have our support.
(42:15):
We have a monthly meeting oncea month at CARP, the CARP
building, carp office, just forpeople.
If you're ready to come, may Iknow?
Them.
It's not just for mothers, it'sfor anyone that has been
affected.
Yeah, that's it Resist.
Violence has taken a toll onyou.
(42:35):
And we have trained counselorsthat will be there to help you
in this issue, whereas we can'tyeah, and that's important.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
Yes, like what would you, I guess, what kind of
long-term support um do grievingfamilies, especially moms, need
from the community at large?
When, after losing a loved oneto violence, what would you say
that is?
Speaker 2 (42:58):
acknowledgement constant, like acknowledge that
it happened to us and let usknow that you haven't forgotten
us, because we have a wholecommunity out there that this
island has forgotten.
Like I didn't get nothinganymore from government
(43:19):
officials, nobody.
What left to deal with this,totally or nothing?
Well, you don't get, why not?
I'm not asking for, like yousaid, I'm not asking for pity,
I'm just asking foracknowledgement.
(43:40):
And if we need support, there'sa lot of families that need
support, I'm okay, but there's alot of families that need more
than me.
We can't afford counseling.
Counseling is very expensive.
(44:01):
We're not even offered freecounseling to help us to get
back on our feet.
We got a handshake, we got acondolence and that's it.
And I think that, and I thinkthat's what's hindering a lot of
people to heal, becauseacknowledgement is healing.
(44:23):
You know, if you justacknowledge that I'm hurting, it
makes a difference.
If you just acknowledge that thepain that we're feeling is real
, it makes a difference.
But if no one is acknowledgingthat, we're just sitting in it
and we're hurting and we'regetting angrier and we're going
(44:45):
deeper and deeper.
The deeper we go, it's harderto come out.
And not only that, it's harderto be responsible parents to the
other children that we haveyeah, who are also affected by
the death.
Who are?
Speaker 1 (45:01):
also affected.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
So it's a domino effect that if we can't heal,
our children are not healed.
That was one of my main things.
I could not destroy Sky andZachary's life through not
healing myself first.
They needed to know there'shealing.
You can get through this thattakes an incredible amount of
(45:25):
strength?
Speaker 1 (45:26):
Definitely yeah.
So I guess, when we're lookingforward, right, what are your
hopes for Bermuda in terms ofaddressing gun violence and the
impact on families?
What is your hope for ourcountry when it comes to what
we're dealing with, when itcomes to this violence?
Speaker 2 (45:45):
Okay, it might sound far-fetched, but I really
believe it's a spiritual warfare.
Why?
Because we're fighting somedemonic spirits.
These are good kids that havebeen overtaken by a spirit that
is beyond us.
I do believe God makes nomistakes in having kids and
(46:07):
bringing kids to this world, andI believe that there is a
demonic spirit, that there is ademonic spirit, and until we get
a hold on the spirituality ofreally what is going on in this
low island, then we will alwaysconstantly be running around in
(46:31):
a circle and on a treadmill oron a hamster wheel.
It's spiritual, and I thinkthat if everyone can get a
spiritual connection withthemselves first because that's
what happened with me I had tofind out who I was spiritually
in order for me to walkspiritually and I walked with
(46:56):
the devil for many years.
My thinking, my actions, mythoughts were definitely demonic
, because I would not even thinkabout doing that today.
Yeah, you know, but because Iwas in it, it seemed okay, it
(47:17):
was acceptable because of thelifestyle I was in, but that was
definitely demonic behavior.
So I now am walking spirituallyin more of light than darkness.
My heart goes out to peoplethat think that what they are
doing young men and women thinkthat what they're doing is okay.
(47:39):
It hurts because they'rebattered, because they're tapped
into a spirit that iscontrolling them.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
And some of them just don't know any different and
some of them just write.
Yeah, learned behavior?
Yeah, definitely, you know samewith me.
Lump behavior.
Speaker 2 (47:59):
It was acceptable in my house, alcohol was acceptable
, this type of lifestyle wasacceptable.
So not what's wrong with me?
Ain't nothing wrong with me.
I'm dead and high.
That's my thing.
I'm not hurting nobody butmyself.
What?
Are you?
worrying about me for thing.
I'm not hurting nobody butmyself.
What are you worrying about mefor?
You know, until I found a powerand a spiritual and a personal
(48:23):
relationship with my Father, whohas showed me the hours of my
ways and that there is light andhope and love in everyone.
So I do believe it is aspiritual warfare.
Yeah, and I don't know how toconquer it.
(48:44):
I just know that I have to stayon the path that I'm on.
Speaker 1 (48:48):
Yeah, so what would you say to anyone who's
listening or watching, orhowever they're viewing the
program, who has lost a child orloved one to violence?
What would your words ofencouragement be to them post
that event, or what advice wouldyou give them?
Speaker 2 (49:05):
Don't give up.
Do not give up.
There's hope, there's support.
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
And god, if he woke you up this morning, he has a
purpose for you, okay and then aquestion I ask everyone before
they leave the podcast is whatdo you want to be remembered for
, you know, when you're nolonger, obviously a very long
time from now?
Um, when you're no longer onthis planet and someone says
nicole fox, what do you wantthem to say about you?
(49:38):
What do you want your memory tobe once you're no longer with
her?
Speaker 2 (49:42):
I've always you know what I've always said I wanted
to leave a part.
Let me just put this in there.
I'm so glad you said that myyear is an addiction.
I always said I was afraid ofone thing and I was dying in
addiction Because I never wantedto leave that legacy with my
sons.
I don't want them to say youknow, you know, nikki, she just
(50:04):
got high, she OD'd.
I don't want them, that's herson.
You know the girl that OD'd.
I never wanted, even when I wasgetting high that was still so
much forefront.
I never wanted to leave thatlegacy with my boys.
So now I want to be known as agood person, good spiritual
(50:29):
person.
I wanted to leave a legacy of.
You can get through anythingwith Christ, with God.
I just want to be remembered ofletting go and letting God and
can't get through any adversityBecause we're a family we don't
(50:50):
give in, we don't give up Period.
I tell my boys that all thetime we don't give in and we
don't give up period.
I tell my boys that all thetime we don't give the enemy
don't give up, period.
Speaker 1 (51:00):
Yeah on that note, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (51:02):
I really do appreciate you coming and
spending some time with me today.
I'm very on it.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
yes, thank you so much.
All right, guys, we just hadthe amazing nicole fox on the
podcast today, who gave us anamazing insight into not just
what she's dealt with but alsoher life in its total, and we
are so grateful for her forsharing her story with me today.
If you want to be a part of MomMothers on a Mission, make sure
you reach out to Nicole onFacebook.
She can definitely give yousome additional support and help
(51:28):
that you may need to getthrough the difficult time that
you're going through right now,whether it's grieving as a mom,
as a parent or as a loved one ofsomeone who has lost someone,
to violence here in Bermuda.
As always, thank you to oursponsors 59 Front Brown Company,
scudamart and the Women'sResource Center.
If you would like to visit anyof those businesses, please
visit their websites, and thankyou for spending some time with
(51:50):
me today on House of HeartPodcast.
I'm a hustler baby.
It's time for Hustle Herpodcast.
I'm your host, deshae Caines.
Hustle Her is all aboutinspiring women through real
life experiences that havehelped to mold and develop not
only me of motivation, a bit oftough love and some actionable
(00:26):
takeaways to be the best.
You, girl, you are in the rightplace.
Hey guys, this episode isbrought to you by Scudamart.
At Scudamart, you can buy, sellor rent a bike with them.
Make sure you head over totheir Hamilton location on
Church Street or their pageantlocation on Lover's Lane or on
wwwscootermartbm.
(00:46):
Hey guys, and welcome back toHustle Heart Podcast.
As always.
Thank you so much for spendingsome time with me today.
Big shout out to our seasonsponsors, 59 Front, as well as
Brown and Company.
New to our sponsor list isScootermart, as well as the
Women's Resource Center.
We want to thank all of themfor coming on board and making
this podcast episode soimpactful to those of you who
are listening today.
(01:06):
So today is really special tome and it's something that I'm
really excited to bring toeveryone.
When we look at the statisticsfor gun violence in Bermuda, you
really can't find a lot aboutit online, but what we've come
to realize is that over 65people have died as a result of
gun violence in Bermuda to date.
Someone who's very passionateabout that, who has significant
(01:32):
intimate relations with gunviolence and loss and grief, is
my next guest, who is MissNicole Fox.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Hi, nicole, hi, how are you?
I'm awesome, good, awesome.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Thank you so much for coming here today I genuinely
appreciate it and for being soopen and willing to have this
conversation.
Yeah, yeah, all right, forcoming here today I genuinely
appreciate it and being forbeing so open and willing to
have this conversation.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
So before we jump right in, I'mgonna ask you a few questions,
just kind of get to know you alittle better.
So the first thing that comesto mind is what you answer.
Okay, call them quick, rapidfires, all right.
So tell me your favorite colorblack.
I love that.
(02:00):
That was so easy too.
Most people like black thatwork okay, perfect.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
All right, I know it just passed, but your cop match
team st george's oh cool, I know, oh no, that's why I've been
wearing black for a while.
Yeah morning.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
That's hilarious, okay, so tell me um your
favorite time of day lunch timelunch time.
Why lunch?
It's time to eat.
That's hilarious, okay, so tellme your favorite time of day
Lunchtime.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Lunchtime why lunch?
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It's time to eat.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
That came from my years of competing Okay, and I
was always hungry whilelunchtime.
Okay.
So I just convey to you how.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Love that.
What's most important to you?
My children.
Okay, and then what do you liketo do for fun?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
gym gym.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Yes, so I'm new on this gym journey.
I don't wouldn't say it's funyet, but we'll get there at some
point.
We'll get there, all right.
What's the biggest learningexperience you've ever had?
Dealing with adversity okay,and then what would you say is
your biggest strength?
god I love that, all right.
So we invited you here today totalk about um one, about your
(03:12):
the you've.
You are the co-founder ofmothers on a mission, um, and so
we're definitely going to getinto that in a little while and
you know how that started.
But specifically to talk aboutyour journey um a mom, but also
dealing with the death of yourson, rico.
So in January 23rd 2013, yourson was passed away due to gun
(03:34):
violence in Bermuda.
Tell me about that day that youfound out what happened to your
son.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Yeah, it was a bad day.
He was laying in bed, son.
Um, yeah, it was a banisterstaying in bed.
Um, we came up to your house,my house, my part of the house,
and he said I'm gonna chill outdownstairs at my mother-in-law's
house she had, she was goingaway, so the boy, she spent a
lot of time up there instead ofdownstairs.
(04:02):
Um, and it's like, yeah, I'mgonna chill out.
So he went after that.
Um, skya and zachary my othertwo young ones, they came up.
I'm like we're gonna chill out,donnie hoes.
So I'm saying it came out, allmy boys, sandy hoes, they're
chilling.
(04:22):
I'm laying there watching TV andI got a phone call from Rika's
dad and he's like what are youdoing?
I'm like why you know?
And he says Rika has been shot,rika and Haile has been shot,
oti shot.
(04:42):
And I'm like why is Haile intough shoes?
Because Rika used.
And I'm like why is Haile outof tough shoes?
Because Rico used to say allthe time I'm out of the shop and
he used to always be out ontough shoes out on Court Street.
I'm like why is Haile out there?
So I'm not thinking Belvin's andI just stay right on the corner
from Belvin's and just when hesaid that I heard this, this
(05:06):
large scream, and it was Haile'sgirlfriend and I came outside
because Haile and I stayed.
We stayed right next to eachother, it was like just a close
neighborhood and our mom.
So I went down the house and Ibanged on the door to my other
son so I'm like we could havebeen shot.
So we all just ran out toBalvin's and I'm not sure which
(05:33):
one, whether it was your daddyor your uncle.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
It would have been my dad at the time, my dad at the
time looked at us and said he'sgoing to the hospital.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
You know he's already gone to the hospital.
You know he's already gone tothe hospital.
So I'm like, is he?
breathing and he's like yes, soI was like okay my two sons
other sons decided not to comedown to the hospital.
So I went down to the hospitaland on the back of a bike, which
I didn't think I was going tomake it it was Haile's
(06:05):
girlfriend at the time and sheworked, so we were both just out
of it and once we got downthere, you know, they wouldn't
let us in.
And then eventually they let usin to a little private room and
we sat there and we waited.
Haile's family was there, myfamily was there, my family was
(06:27):
there.
Many doctors came in and theysaid they came in with Harley
for us Doctors said you know,family of Harley, alderbridge.
The whole room went up in anuproar and I remember looking at
Miss Alderbridge and saying toher what happened to Farbid.
They talked about Alder, her.
What happened to Farbett?
She talked about Otterbridge.
(06:47):
What happened to Farbett?
And she looked at me, she heldmy hand and she said no news is
good news, nick.
So I said okay, not sure howmuch longer.
After that Short white man Withhis hair wrapped, like you know
(07:07):
, in a sergeant's uniform cameon.
So I don't know if you know theextent and I'm like, okay, he's
starting to talk.
The other one didn't go throughwith this with the extent of
highly dangerous, but he'ssaying so I'm thinking he's
gonna say he survived, but he'ssaying so I'm thinking he's
(07:27):
gonna say he survived or he'sfighting um.
He took three bullets rightblank to his chest and he did
not make it.
Don't remember too much afterthat.
I don't remember too much afterthat.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I'm I'm so sorry to take you back one to that moment
, but I appreciate you beingwilling to discuss that with us.
But when we think of you knowso many people so far removed
from that moment right, theydon't understand the families
that are affected by it, thatare affected by it and what I
wanted to do here with you todayand for everyone listening or
(08:05):
watching.
I did ask permission to havethis conversation with you and
to ask these questions, but Iwant people to understand the
intimacy of those moments, thatit's people that are so close
and they have families, andyou're a mom who lost her son in
that moment and life for youchanged.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
It's never been the same.
Nothing is the same, absolutelynothing.
I can't even say I have afeeling that's the same.
My love and respect for othersare not the same.
(08:45):
I thought I couldn't love mychildren anymore.
But once I lost one, the lovefor the ones I have left is
going tremendous.
It is a catch-22.
Because in one breath you'relike waiting for the other shoe
(09:08):
to drop, loving on them so muchthat you don't want to lose them
.
But in reality it wasn't yourfault that you lost one in the
first place.
The respect I have for peoplewhen I look at people today, my
outlook on people in generalhuman beings have changed.
(09:30):
I'm more conscious on how Itreat people.
Today, everything has changed.
I will never forget one time Iwas using the bathroom and I was
so mesmerized by the toiletpaper coming off the room Like
(09:51):
that was so enlightened to meand I couldn't understand why.
But it just shows that nothingis the same anymore.
I never understood.
I mean, nobody just takesadvantage, but this was rolling
off and it was like I neverlooked at it.
I just took it for granted.
It's just toilet paper, butthat's how deep everything
(10:14):
changed with me On that dayafter that day After that day
nothing remained the same.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, I want to take it back a little bit because
most people would assume thatthe death of a son in that way
is a major life changing eventand that's enough to last
someone for a lifetime.
But you've also had your ownjourney prior to that date.
So walk me through a little bitabout young Nicole and some of
the things you kind of wentthrough growing up before Rico's
(10:42):
death.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Yeah, I was a wild one Kind of went through growing
up before Rico's death.
Yeah, I was a wild one.
And some might say I still am,but on the good side of wild
today.
I got involved with drugs at avery young age.
Very promiscuous, yeah, yeah.
(11:11):
I was.
I would say that when I lookback at age 21.
I was a full-blown addict well.
I smoked and got high every dayat age 21.
Well, whereas I thought I was afunctioning addict.
But as years went on, um, Ireally wasn't okay.
I couldn't work, I lost jobs.
That was my full-time job.
It consumed your life.
It consumed everything I had.
(11:33):
Given my mother custody of mykids.
I could not raise them.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
I was in the grips of my addiction very bad to the
age of 38 wow, and what was thatpivotal moment where you
decided to come out of youraddiction?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I wouldn't say I did.
I think god had a differentplan got it.
You know, I just I rememberwanting something different for
myself.
I was.
I was sick and tired of beingsick and tired.
I remember having one dayhaving my house full of people
with drugs and alcohol.
I remember having everything Ineeded and I remember going into
(12:18):
my bathroom and crying andasking God for help.
I remember reaching out andsaying I don't want this anymore
.
And I remember crying.
They was not going to do it,nick, you all right, you all
right.
And I'm like, yes, I'm okay,just leave me alone.
And I had that personal talkwith God and, of course, I came
(12:39):
back home and ran on about myjourney and a couple of days or
weeks later, the bailiffs came.
I thought they just was takingmy husband, but they took me too
, and that was a change.
That was something that I think.
God took me to a place where Icouldn't get clean outside of
(13:06):
jail, so he took me away from itand saved my life.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
It's one of those things where people and people
get angry when people say this,but sometimes it's.
Everything happens for a reason.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Everything happens for a reason.
Now, prior to that, I had beenjailed already.
Before that too, okay, and thatdidn't change me.
Okay, and that didn't change me.
Okay, but for whatever reason,I remember going to jail this
time falling on my knees andcrying like I've never cried out
to God in my life.
And when I got up off the floor, I had such a freedom that,
(13:42):
even though I was behind bars, Iwas the happiest person going.
I had this joy in my heart.
It was like whoa, I feel sohappy right here.
I was scared to leave becausewhat was out there I didn't want
to go back to.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
How was the recovery process of coming off of drugs?
Speaker 2 (14:07):
The recovery process for me.
I done a 12-step program.
For many years I hung withpeople, I talked, I cried with
people that were struggling withthe same disease as me.
I sat on committees, I doneconventions disease as me.
I sat on committees, I doneconventions.
I just dug right in to a12-step program and it was
(14:33):
beautiful.
I don't do it today, but that'sa different story.
Again After RICO, I needed togo right to disease.
Yeah, got you so RICO was aturning point.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
After Rico, I needed to go right to the source.
Yeah got you, so Rico was aturning point for you.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Rico was definitely a turning point for me.
I mean not only spiritually,but personally.
I had to figure out who I wasoutside of Rico Farbott's mom,
in order for me to be healthyenough for Zachary and Skia.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
And how do you maintain your sobriety after
something like that, becausethat's so traumatic that one
would almost understand having amoment of you know, going back
into a lifestyle where you wereable to cope right In a
situation like that.
Like, how did you maintainduring those times?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
I just remember that night I had no desire to use.
So this is where I'm trying totell you how God is real.
God removes desires that I hadno desire to use that night.
And if I didn't have the desire, if the initial shock of weaker
(15:49):
staff did not send me back,then the next day I had no
excuse.
The next day I had no right to,because now I've got all the
tools I can get the help I need.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
So if the initial shock didn't do it, then the
next day I had no right to do itthat's significant because,
especially when you're lookingat it from that perspective,
right, because in that moment,like I'm sure, most people were
like how do you even rationalizeor think that that's okay, you
know not okay, but like, okay,cool, if I didn't do it last
night, I definitely shouldn't bedoing it today, because that's
(16:23):
such a traumatic event in yourlife and God also showed me that
that night, about two weeks,three weeks later, I woke up in
the middle of the night and Idoubted myself as a parent.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
I woke up and I started crying.
I'm like why aren't I full?
Why aren't I filled withdepression, anger, hatred,
sleepless nights?
Why don't I have the look I seein all of Rico's friends and
family?
Why don't I have this?
Did I not love myself?
So I doubted myself and Godspoke and I heard his voice so
(16:56):
clearly.
He said that night you asked meof two things a forgiven heart
and a peace of mind.
And I have granted you bothDon't look back.
And that's when I reminded meafter the doctor had said what
he had said, Rico didn't make it.
I remember coming to him and Iwas sitting on the floor by the
(17:18):
elevators in the hospital and Ido remember asking God for a
forgiving heart and a peace ofmind.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Yeah, I and he had granted me yeah, and to be able
to do something like that inthat moment takes also takes a
significant amount of strengthwhen you really think about it,
because when someone does youwrong, or your child or your
family or anyone wrong, almostimmediately you want to get back
at the person who did thatwrong, to the person that you
(17:47):
love, so in that moment, be ableto ask god for forgiveness.
It shows a significant amountof strength on your behalf,
because who, who would have everthought that that's?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
what it would have been the first ask I, I, I.
I didn't know why I asked, butthat was the first thing that I
ever asked God.
That was my immediate response.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah, and so when you have a son who passes away from
gun violence in such a tragicmanner right Immediately, you
know obviously people, they comearound right.
And they're there for you andyou know their shoulders are
crying on and all of that.
What happens after some timehas passed and does it dwindle?
Do people still check on youlike, how does that grieving
(18:32):
process, how does that work?
And I'm sure it's still goingon today, but how, how was that
for you when?
Speaker 2 (18:39):
the phone calls stopped coming.
That's when the reality reallykicked in.
But how long, would you say?
That took, I can't remember,okay, but it was a process
because before I paid thewindows off, it wasn't like in
three weeks nobody called.
(19:00):
It was just a gradual and I getit.
I understood it.
But it taught me that now Ihave to lean on a power that has
some power.
I can't depend on people tomake me feel good.
I had to learn how to focus andsurvive without my codependent.
(19:20):
So that's when I got a strongerrelationship with God.
I had to go to some power thathad some power because I was
weak yeah I was done and nooffense to anyone, but a lot of
people that were there tosupport me had never been
through what I had been through.
So they didn't know what to say.
(19:44):
You just don don't know.
It's really nothing you can sayyeah, it's the truth, yeah, you
know so.
But so, and I didn't want to bepitied, but I saw pity in their
eyes for me and I didn't wantto fall as nobody's victim.
I'm victorious, you know and Ihad to turn around a lot of
(20:05):
things that people thought whatgrief looked like.
Yeah, grief looked like thisand that's how I had to act.
No, I don't want to be.
I don't want.
I didn't want to be pitied noyes, I dealt with a tremendous
(20:25):
loss and, but I'm not.
I lost Rico.
I'm not losing myself.
You took him, but you're nottaking me.
Yeah, I had to look at thingsso much differently, like, no, I
had just got clean.
I am free from drugs.
I had got clean.
(20:48):
I had lost my dad.
I got clean in 2006.
2006, my dad died.
2009, the exact same date of mydad's death, my only brother
was killed in a bike accident.
2011, my mom died.
(21:09):
2013,.
Rico died.
So I had back to back to backtragedies and I was clean
through it all.
So I wasn't letting no one takeaway.
Let me show you something.
When I stopped using for acouple of days, I saw a little
light.
It was a tiny light and eachday I didn't use and I asked God
(21:33):
for guidance.
That light got bigger andbigger.
So I was already walking inlight.
I wasn't allowing anybody totake me back to the darkness
that God had just delivered mefrom.
That was dark.
That world of addiction wasdark.
That world of addiction wasdark.
I would rather live without myson and walk in light than to
(21:55):
live with my son and go back toaddiction.
Wow, that's significant.
So I am quite okay withallowing God to use me.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
So it's amazing to me that you said over those five
years, all of that happened postaddiction, right.
And then we fast forward a fewmore years and we have Zachary
Fox, and then we also have ClarkFox.
Walk me through what happenedwith Zachary and then Clark Um
2020, 2019.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
I had, um, I was laying in my bed and we had
heard all these gunshots.
I jumped up and I ran becausemy house is here and Zachary and
my mother-in-law and this guyis downstairs, and I ran and I
banged on Zachary's outside.
He said I'm all right, mama.
(22:52):
I ran and this guy stayeddownstairs and I ran and I
banged on Zachary's outside door.
He said I'm all right, mama.
I ran downstairs to this guyI'm all right.
I said, okay, that was in 2019.
Call the police.
18 bullets were fired into thathouse.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
This is your home.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Yes, when my son, my mother-in-law and my other son
stayed.
I stayed on the low side withmy husband.
And that was very disturbing.
All I could think about was Ican't bury another son.
(23:33):
That was 2019.
2020, I am doing a project formy grandson over a friend of
mine's house, getting a projectready for Father's Day no,
(23:55):
Valentine's Day in February, andI had just taken him home.
I had just taken him home andwent over to my friend's house
to get this project going andthen I got a phone call and it's
Zachary.
And then I got a phone call andit's.
Zachary and it's saying, Mom,I've been shot.
(24:18):
I don't remember too much afterthat either, but I do know that
he did survive.
He got shot in his shoulderonce again.
My house was full of bullets.
I had made an appeal to let metake my son out of here, this
second attempt on his life, and,needless to say, that didn't
happen.
But he survived.
(24:39):
Clarkie came.
Clarkie came to be with hisbrother.
Two weeks later, he was shotout on Court Street and killed
(25:03):
in March 2020.
So at that time I became veryangry.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
I was angry with God let me get you some tissue,
sorry, after.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
You know, dealing with Rico was one thing.
I'm okay after the amulet,after dealing with Rico and
basically after the Amquit,after dealing with Rico and
basically, depending on God,right now I'm married.
Clark is deaf took a heavy tollon me a very heavy toll, so I
(25:50):
went in me and God headed out me, headed out me.
I'm very happy too, so I wentto you.
Me and God had it out we had itout.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Sometimes you have to .
Speaker 2 (26:04):
And afterwards he said you okay, now, got it all
out of your chest, you got workto do.
Yeah, you know, got it all outof your chest, you got work to
do yeah.
I don't understand why this ismy cause to bear, but I do know
(26:26):
that I don't bear it alone.
Yeah.
And that's what just needs me.
I know that I don't know yeahit's me 100, and when it gets
too heavy, I know what to go.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
And that's too, god, and that's too yeah I, I mean
nicole, out of everything thatwe've spoken about so far, one
of those things is enough totake anybody out.
You know, in terms, mentally,physically, you know,
justification of the lack ofwanting to do anything in life
(27:05):
anymore through um, just onewould be justification for that
right.
And so, when we look at all thethings that you've been through
and you're still so strong andwilling to share your story and
willing to be able to come andspeak about it, like how I mean,
no, we spoke about god, butoutside of that, like what keeps
(27:25):
you going every day?
Speaker 2 (27:27):
um, my grandbabies and my other children, and I
have this awesome husband hey, Ihave the best husband ever.
I know you guys' husbands are,but I know that God has blessed
me with an awesome man.
I love that.
Who has stood beside me.
We have been through everything.
(27:48):
He's also a recovering addict.
We met in addiction.
We married, we baptizedtogether.
We came through.
He was right there when weburied.
He was Rico's dad.
You know he stepped there.
Him and Rico's dad are veryclose.
(28:08):
They have an awesomerelationship and seven years
later I'm right there with himto bury his son.
So we've both experiencedburying sons to gun violence.
So he is one of my biggestsupporters.
(28:30):
He is one of my biggestsupporters and he is one of my
biggest supporters.
And he always says and evenbecause dad says they didn't
know what they would have done,they couldn't have asked for a
better person to go through withme, and I think I'm like whoa.
Like if it wasn't for you guys,where would I be?
So I have a good support systemand another thing that keeps me
(28:54):
grounded and keeps me going isthat I wasn't just Rico
Farbett's mom, it was ZacharyFox's mom and Skia Farbett's mom
and they deserve the healthymom.
If I would have given up andallowed Rico's tragedy to
destroy me, I don't know wherethose boys would be today.
(29:18):
It would not have been lookwhat you've done to my brother,
but now look what you've done tomy mama, and that's a whole
different level when it comes toa son and his mom.
So I knew I had to be healthyenough to at least help them
navigate through adversity.
And so every morning I woke upI knew that those boys were my
(29:44):
main focus.
And now they have kids and mygrandchildren and everything too
.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
How many grandchildren do you have?
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Two I have an eight-year-old now and a
two-and-a-half.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Nice, yeah, yes, that's amazing.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
One boy and one little girl, first girl since me
.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
I was going to say it's not like you had little
boys in the family, so I'm gladyou got the girls now yeah so
between my husband and I, wehave five boys.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Oh my goodness no girls.
I didn't have any sisters.
My husband doesn't have anysisters.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
She's spoiled, then she's super spoiled she is, she
deserves it.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Yeah, she deserves it .
Speaker 1 (30:17):
That's okay.
Yeah, so when we think of youknow post, you know Rico, post
Zachary, post Clark, do you everfind yourself, I guess,
questioning how you parented oranything that you could have
done differently?
Is there a lot of guilt orshame around their death and or
(30:39):
what happened to Zachary inthose moments, and how do you
kind of deal with that?
Speaker 2 (30:44):
okay, um, yeah, of course I was not the best parent
.
I was riddled with addiction.
If I could have been a betterparent, I would have, but
unfortunately my choices didn'tallow me to be.
But I had an awesome mother whoraised those boys with love and
(31:10):
gave them a solid foundation.
She taught them.
I'm so grateful for my mom,who's no longer here, but she
never gave up on my boys and shehad all three of them.
She kept them together.
She's like Nick, if you can, Iwill take all three.
I'm not taking one.
One is not going to foster care, especially when I had the
(31:31):
youngest one.
It's just like no, I'm going toone.
When it's not getting enforcedto care, especially when I had
the youngest one, it's just likeno, I'm going to take him too.
So I had an awesome, awesomemother, but during Rico's death,
of course I questioned myselfwhat could I have done
(31:54):
differently If I wasn't strongout on drugs?
Would they have not gravitatedto or be in a lifestyle that
would cause their death, or evento an extent?
But I knew, getting clean, thatI cannot cry over spilled milk.
(32:17):
So, no, I did not pull thattrigger.
So no, I do not blame myself.
I have forgiven myself.
Rico had forgiven me.
He, my boys, I was clean whenRico died, I was drought free
(32:39):
and I was very much in theirlives.
And Rico, every day, told me heloved me.
We had already had thatconversation.
He had already forgiven me.
It was nothing that I wish Icould have said or something
that wasn't said that I wish itcould have happened.
No, everything had already beensaid.
So he was proud of me and hehad forgiven me.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
That's really all you can ask for.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
And that's all I needed.
And that's all I needed and interms, the way I look at my
other boys today forgiveness andconstant support.
So no, I don't blame myself.
I don't question my parenting.
I knew that I was incapable ofanything other than I was able
(33:32):
to give because of the choices Ihad made.
I couldn't be a good parentbecause I was riddled with drugs
.
I couldn't fight that.
I couldn't.
I just couldn't be both.
You can't be an addict and agood parent, you know.
So the choices I made was thebest way I could be a parent.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
But that time that you once you got clean, and that
time that you spent with yourfamily, no one can ever take
that away from you right andthat forgiveness that your son
gave to you.
How did that feel after havingthat moment of him saying I
forgive you?
Speaker 2 (34:07):
It was great, especially when I heard his
friend saying we get so proud ofyou.
We get so proud of you.
I remember wanting 24 for meand then dancing in the parade
and he rode his push bike downin the rain with me.
When I got down on Front Streetand then you had Zachary and
(34:28):
Sky at the finish line waitingfor me.
It was just like my boys.
They just loved me.
They loved me till I learned tolove myself and that was
amazing.
It's an amazing feeling BecauseI see so many parents that try
(34:49):
to get a relationship if theirchildren have the addiction and
the children.
It's a hard pill to swallow anda lot of children don't.
Yeah, a lot of children find ithard to forgive their parents.
Yeah, because we do some damage.
We damage our children when wemake choices beyond them.
(35:10):
We damage them.
Yeah, well, I had a mom thatshared, showed them that your
mom does love you.
She's just making better choicesright now.
So I don't know.
I don't know, but I was justone of the fortunate ones and my
boys just automatically allowedme back into their lives.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
You're absolutely right.
I think a lot of times peopledon't forgive the parent when
they're going through that,because people don't understand
that addiction is a disease.
Right, and yes, you did makethe choice to start taking the
drugs, but once it takes overyour life, it's, it's literally
that it takes over your life.
And so, um, because we've seenit, most recently with simone
biles and her mom trying to comeback in her life and one of her
(35:54):
siblings being open to it andher not- well on what we see
actually, because we don't knowfor sure, for sure, right.
But you know, with those things,like you're absolutely right,
people go into situations, um,that they have to deal with, to
cope with parents who areaddicted, and sometimes you're
just not as forgiving,especially if you remember
certain things, um.
So I'm I'm so grateful that youwere able to have that with
(36:15):
your boys, because you know itcould have been a different
process post his death ratherthan where you are now where I
am today.
Yeah, exactly so, afterobviously we've we've covered a
lot right and um, one of thebiggest things that made me want
to reach out to you was youradvocacy around support when it
comes to just mothers who haveexperienced violence period.
(36:37):
Right, not just gun violence,but um, violence period, um, and
I think and again I know I saidit already, but you've been
through enough to not have toadvocate.
You know what I mean like youcould crawl into a ball and no
one will fault you for that,right.
So where do you find thecourage to be an advocate now
for community support and tryingto end this gun violence or
(36:58):
just violence period and thisgang culture that we currently
have in Bermuda?
Where do you find the strengthto to do that?
Speaker 2 (37:06):
well, when it happened to Miss Alderbridge and
I, um, we looked at each otherand we had this like what, what
do we do now?
Because she was my neighbor andwe came up.
It's like, where do we go?
It's nothing for us.
And so we brainstormed and wewanted to start a support group
(37:29):
for mothers that have lost theirsons to violence.
And so we started it and Iremember every time it was one I
remember sitting down in thehospital like no one understood.
It was just Ms Alibria.
(37:50):
She knew and I knew.
But then how about those mothersthat sit there?
There's no one that can really,because a mother feels
completely different A fatherhas.
I can't speak on a father, butI'm sure it's just as deep.
But I know for me, just beingthere to let someone else know
(38:16):
there's hope was very importantto me, because I looked around
and I had to find my hope.
It was no wonder to tell me itwas hope.
I looked for my hope and I wentto God.
So I found hope.
But a lot of people don't havethat.
That goes straight to him.
(38:37):
So if I can just be in thepresence or just be close by so
that I can let someone else knowthat they're not alone, because
that was the most loneliestplace to ever be, like I had the
utmost support, but not one ofthose people that supported me
(39:00):
had been sitting where I wassitting.
So, I still felt so alone, andthat was one of the hardest
things, although I know you wantto help, but you haven't been
in my shoes.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
You never walked in my shoes, you haven't.
So I just wanted want to help,but you haven't been in my shoes
.
You never walked in my shoes,you haven't.
So.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I just wanted to let someone else know any mother
know that you're not alone.
No one wants to be.
No one signs up to be a memberof Mount Bermuda.
You know it's not somethingthat, oh, when I grow up no.
But it's not something that, oh, when I grow up no.
But it's available and with myyears of doing the 12-step
(39:41):
program, I understood theimportance of support and being
around like-minded people inthis struggle together, and
that's what saved my life.
So I want to be there forsomeone else In a similar
setting.
A wrong grief and loss.
Speaker 1 (40:02):
So you spoke, you mentioned and we talked about it
earlier mother's on a mission,mom, and what would you say is
one of your most significant ormeaningful, I should say,
experiences through mom thathave helped you in your own
healing process?
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Yeah, the mothers that come out.
I have an awesome community themothers that come out.
But the most rewarding one waswhen we first done our Medicaid,
and it was 2020.
(40:48):
Your clarkie had died and we'reno cop match.
It was curving.
Yes, I wanted to do somethingjust to remember the boys who
are on emancipation, just tohonor all those that lost their
lives to violence.
I didn't want this island toforget what is happening and
just to bring awareness and forthem to remember.
So we've done this, medicaid andthe mothers that came out and
(41:12):
their stories and their support,and their stories and their
support and just so gratefulthat we even exist.
Yeah.
It was so rewarding becauseenough times I wanted to just
throw in the towel and say it'snot working.
But this year, once again, wehad one mother that came out.
(41:34):
She said she hit me up themorning off.
She said God said I'm ready todo it now.
What time does the murder casestart?
And I have been inviting her.
She knew about it.
But she said she's not ready.
And if we do it, if one persongets healed by it, then it's all
worth it.
(41:54):
So we traveled the whole island, do do do, just remembering all
those that have lost theirlives to senses.
I mean, each one is senses,yeah, senses, yeah.
But we also have our support.
(42:15):
We have a monthly meeting oncea month at CARP, the CARP
building, carp office, just forpeople.
If you're ready to come, may Iknow?
Them.
It's not just for mothers, it'sfor anyone that has been
affected.
Yeah, that's it Resist.
Violence has taken a toll onyou.
(42:35):
And we have trained counselorsthat will be there to help you
in this issue, whereas we can'tyeah, and that's important.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
Yes, like what would you, I guess, what kind of
long-term support um do grievingfamilies, especially moms, need
from the community at large?
When, after losing a loved oneto violence, what would you say
that is?
Speaker 2 (42:58):
acknowledgement constant, like acknowledge that
it happened to us and let usknow that you haven't forgotten
us, because we have a wholecommunity out there that this
island has forgotten.
Like I didn't get nothinganymore from government
(43:19):
officials, nobody.
What left to deal with this,totally or nothing?
Well, you don't get, why not?
I'm not asking for, like yousaid, I'm not asking for pity,
I'm just asking foracknowledgement.
(43:40):
And if we need support, there'sa lot of families that need
support, I'm okay, but there's alot of families that need more
than me.
We can't afford counseling.
Counseling is very expensive.
(44:01):
We're not even offered freecounseling to help us to get
back on our feet.
We got a handshake, we got acondolence and that's it.
And I think that, and I thinkthat's what's hindering a lot of
people to heal, becauseacknowledgement is healing.
(44:23):
You know, if you justacknowledge that I'm hurting, it
makes a difference.
If you just acknowledge that thepain that we're feeling is real
, it makes a difference.
But if no one is acknowledgingthat, we're just sitting in it
and we're hurting and we'regetting angrier and we're going
(44:45):
deeper and deeper.
The deeper we go, it's harderto come out.
And not only that, it's harderto be responsible parents to the
other children that we haveyeah, who are also affected by
the death.
Who are?
Speaker 1 (45:01):
also affected.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
So it's a domino effect that if we can't heal,
our children are not healed.
That was one of my main things.
I could not destroy Sky andZachary's life through not
healing myself first.
They needed to know there'shealing.
You can get through this thattakes an incredible amount of
(45:25):
strength?
Speaker 1 (45:26):
Definitely yeah.
So I guess, when we're lookingforward, right, what are your
hopes for Bermuda in terms ofaddressing gun violence and the
impact on families?
What is your hope for ourcountry when it comes to what
we're dealing with, when itcomes to this violence?
Speaker 2 (45:45):
Okay, it might sound far-fetched, but I really
believe it's a spiritual warfare.
Why?
Because we're fighting somedemonic spirits.
These are good kids that havebeen overtaken by a spirit that
is beyond us.
I do believe God makes nomistakes in having kids and
(46:07):
bringing kids to this world, andI believe that there is a
demonic spirit, that there is ademonic spirit, and until we get
a hold on the spirituality ofreally what is going on in this
low island, then we will alwaysconstantly be running around in
(46:31):
a circle and on a treadmill oron a hamster wheel.
It's spiritual, and I thinkthat if everyone can get a
spiritual connection withthemselves first because that's
what happened with me I had tofind out who I was spiritually
in order for me to walkspiritually and I walked with
(46:56):
the devil for many years.
My thinking, my actions, mythoughts were definitely demonic
, because I would not even thinkabout doing that today.
Yeah, you know, but because Iwas in it, it seemed okay, it
(47:17):
was acceptable because of thelifestyle I was in, but that was
definitely demonic behavior.
So I now am walking spirituallyin more of light than darkness.
My heart goes out to peoplethat think that what they are
doing young men and women thinkthat what they're doing is okay.
(47:39):
It hurts because they'rebattered, because they're tapped
into a spirit that iscontrolling them.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
And some of them just don't know any different and
some of them just write.
Yeah, learned behavior?
Yeah, definitely, you know samewith me.
Lump behavior.
Speaker 2 (47:59):
It was acceptable in my house, alcohol was acceptable
, this type of lifestyle wasacceptable.
So not what's wrong with me?
Ain't nothing wrong with me.
I'm dead and high.
That's my thing.
I'm not hurting nobody butmyself.
What?
Are you?
worrying about me for thing.
I'm not hurting nobody butmyself.
What are you worrying about mefor?
You know, until I found a powerand a spiritual and a personal
(48:23):
relationship with my Father, whohas showed me the hours of my
ways and that there is light andhope and love in everyone.
So I do believe it is aspiritual warfare.
Yeah, and I don't know how toconquer it.
(48:44):
I just know that I have to stayon the path that I'm on.
Speaker 1 (48:48):
Yeah, so what would you say to anyone who's
listening or watching, orhowever they're viewing the
program, who has lost a child orloved one to violence?
What would your words ofencouragement be to them post
that event, or what advice wouldyou give them?
Speaker 2 (49:05):
Don't give up.
Do not give up.
There's hope, there's support.
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
And god, if he woke you up this morning, he has a
purpose for you, okay and then aquestion I ask everyone before
they leave the podcast is whatdo you want to be remembered for
, you know, when you're nolonger, obviously a very long
time from now?
Um, when you're no longer onthis planet and someone says
nicole fox, what do you wantthem to say about you?
(49:38):
What do you want your memory tobe once you're no longer with
her?
Speaker 2 (49:42):
I've always you know what I've always said I wanted
to leave a part.
Let me just put this in there.
I'm so glad you said that myyear is an addiction.
I always said I was afraid ofone thing and I was dying in
addiction Because I never wantedto leave that legacy with my
sons.
I don't want them to say youknow, you know, nikki, she just
(50:04):
got high, she OD'd.
I don't want them, that's herson.
You know the girl that OD'd.
I never wanted, even when I wasgetting high that was still so
much forefront.
I never wanted to leave thatlegacy with my boys.
So now I want to be known as agood person, good spiritual
(50:29):
person.
I wanted to leave a legacy of.
You can get through anythingwith Christ, with God.
I just want to be remembered ofletting go and letting God and
can't get through any adversityBecause we're a family we don't
(50:50):
give in, we don't give up Period.
I tell my boys that all thetime we don't give in and we
don't give up period.
I tell my boys that all thetime we don't give the enemy
don't give up, period.
Speaker 1 (51:00):
Yeah on that note, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (51:02):
I really do appreciate you coming and
spending some time with me today.
I'm very on it.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
yes, thank you so much.
All right, guys, we just hadthe amazing nicole fox on the
podcast today, who gave us anamazing insight into not just
what she's dealt with but alsoher life in its total, and we
are so grateful for her forsharing her story with me today.
If you want to be a part of MomMothers on a Mission, make sure
you reach out to Nicole onFacebook.
She can definitely give yousome additional support and help
(51:28):
that you may need to getthrough the difficult time that
you're going through right now,whether it's grieving as a mom,
as a parent or as a loved one ofsomeone who has lost someone,
to violence here in Bermuda.
As always, thank you to oursponsors 59 Front Brown Company,
scudamart and the Women'sResource Center.
If you would like to visit anyof those businesses, please
visit their websites, and thankyou for spending some time with
(51:50):
me today on House of HeartPodcast.
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