August 13, 2025 • 27 mins
Sending your kid to college? Whether it’s your first time or your fifth, nothing truly prepares you for the emotional, logistical, and “oh-my-gosh-how-did-we-forget-a-fan?!” reality of freshman year.
In this solo episode, Elissa shares the unfiltered truth about getting ready for college move-in—what to buy (and what’s a total waste), how to handle the summer anxiety spiral, what really happens on move-in day, and the roommate, friendship, and academic adjustments no one warns you about.
Drawing from her daughter Ava’s freshman year experience, Elissa dives into the emotional side of the transition for both students and parents, offers practical tips for packing and prepping, and even reveals the silver lining of life with a “temporary only child” at home.
Whether you’re a parent bracing for goodbye or a student gearing up for your first semester, this episode delivers the mix of humor, honesty, and useful advice you won’t find on Pinterest. Grab your coffee, take a deep breath, and let’s make this milestone a little less overwhelming.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:01):
Welcome back to, I Get It from my mom, the podcast
where we talk about the realstuff, parenting, transitions,
and all the messy, beautifulmoments in between.
I am Elissa and today I amflying solo to talk about
something that's been on my minda lot lately.
Preparing for college.
Now I know what you're thinking.
(00:22):
There are a million college prepresources out there, but here's
the thing.
Most of them focus on thelogistics, the spreadsheets, the
shopping lists, the academicrequirements.
And while that stuff matters,what they don't talk about is
the emotional reality of thistransition.
For both you and your child.
My daughter Ava, wrapped up herfreshman year and let me tell
(00:44):
you, we learned some things,some we expected, some we did
not see coming.
So today I'm sharing the realtalk.
What actually helped, what wecould have skipped and what I'd
wish I'd known going into thiswhole experience.
So whether you're a parentgetting ready to send your first
kid to college or your fifth, ormaybe you're student listening
(01:05):
to this, thinking about what'sahead, this episode is for you.
We're going to cover everythingfrom the summer prep phase
through that first semester, andI promise to give it to you
straight.
So grab your coffee, settle in,and let's dive into what
freshman year prep actuallylooks like when you strip away
all the Pinterest perfection andget down to what matters.
(01:38):
Let's start with the summerbefore college because this is
where things get real.
Your kid has graduated highschool, they've gotten their
acceptance letter, and suddenlyit hits everyone.
This is actually happening.
Now if your teenagers anythinglike Ava was, they're probably
oscillating between pureexcitement and complete panic.
(02:00):
One minute they're makingtiktoks about how ready they are
to leave and the next, they'rehaving an existential crisis
about whether they picked theright school.
Ava became obsessed withplanning last summer, and I mean
obsessed.
She had spreadsheets for herspreadsheets.
She watched hours of dorm hallvideos.
She had separate Amazonwishlists for different
(02:23):
categories of dorm items.
She researched sheet threadcounts and air filter qualities,
and LED lighting.
As a parent, my first instinctwas to worry was this normal?
Was she having second thoughts?
But here's what I learned.
The obsessive planning wasn'treally about the desk lamp or
(02:43):
the storage bins.
It was about control.
When everything in your life isabout to change dramatically
focusing on the things you cancontrol, like having the perfect
dorm set up becomes a copingmechanism.
So if your kid is driving youcrazy this summer with the
endless Amazon carts and theconstant college TikTok
consumption, take a breath.
(03:04):
This is their way of processinga huge transition.
Your job isn't to manage theiranxiety away, it's to support
them through it.
That said, there are somepractical things you can do
during this phase that actuallyhelp first set some boundaries
around the shopping.
I know the impulse to buy them.
(03:24):
Everything is strong.
Believe me, I felt it too.
But those dorm rooms are tinyand they're gonna figure out
what they actually need oncethey're living in the space.
Start with the basics and planto fill in gaps later.
Second, focus on life skillsover stuff this summer.
Before college is your lastchance to make sure they know
(03:46):
how to do laundry withoutturning everything pink.
How to budget their spending,how to refill a prescription,
how to schedule a doctor'sappointment.
These skills will serve them waybetter than the perfect desk
organizer.
Third, talk about expectations,theirs and yours.
What do they hope college willbe like?
(04:07):
What are they worried about?
What are your non-negotiablesfor communication?
Having these conversationsbefore school is a lot easier
than trying to figure it out inSeptember when everyone's
emotions are running high.
And here's something I didn'texpect.
This summer is also when you, asthe parent start processing your
(04:29):
own feelings about thistransition.
You might find yourself gettingunexpectedly emotional at random
moments or overly excited.
You might start noticing all thethings about having them at home
that you're going to miss.
Or again, be excited about.
That's completely normal.
Don't try to hide it from them.
They're dealing with their ownemotions and seeing that you're
(04:50):
gonna miss them too can actuallybe reassuring.
Okay, let's talk about packing,because this is where things can
get overwhelming fast.
Every college sends you asuggested packing list.
Then you go online and findlists that contradict each other
and dorm room tours that makeyou think your kid needs to
(05:11):
recreate a West Elm catalog intheir eight by eight space.
Here's the truth, you don't needmuch of that stuff.
After watching Ava navigate herfreshman year.
Here's what actually matters.
First for the bed twin, extralarge bedding is non-negotiable,
but you don't need to spend afortune on designer dorm
(05:31):
bedding.
It won't last that many years.
Anyway, a good mattress topper,though, that's worth the
investment.
These dorm mattresses arebasically camping cots.
We like the sleepy head brand,although it's not cheap.
Good pillows matter too.
They might be sleeping in weirdpositions if they have a lofted
bed situation, and that pillow'sgonna come in handy.
(05:53):
And if your kid's going to lofttheir bed, make sure they have
what they actually need to dothat safely and consider a
storage ottoman or like a smallstep stool.
There's no reason to makemidnight trips to the bathroom
complicated by trying to climbdown from a lofted bed in the
dark.
For the room a fan, trust me onthis.
(06:14):
Even if the dorm has airconditioning, it's probably not
great and most dorms do not.
Woozoo is a brand that makes avery good one.
An air purifier is also worthconsidering.
Dorm air can be pretty stuffyand germy.
For personal care, a shower,caddy, toiletries, towels, and
(06:35):
shower shoes are essential.
You're talking communalbathrooms.
You need the right supplies tomake it less awful.
I also recommend sending somebasic medications, headache
relief, cold medicine, bandaids,feminine care products.
Campus health center's usuallygreat, but you don't wanna have
to check there for the littlethings.
For laundry.
Don't forget detergent.
(06:56):
Ava actually found that thesheets are easiest and lightest
and won't make a mess likeliquid or pods.
And a hamper that actually hashandles or straps.
Don't go fancy here.
Some laundry rooms are down inthe dusty basement of the dorm,
so you need somethingtransportable for electronics,
extension cords and power stripsare key.
(07:18):
Extra long phone chargers helpand good headphones.
Dorm rooms were not designed forthe number of devices college
students have today forclothing.
Here's where you can gooverboard.
Just bring clothes for the firstfew months of school,
appropriate for the weatherthey're gonna have in those
months.
And remember, if they don't wearnice clothes at home, they're
(07:39):
definitely not gonna be wearingthem at school.
Hoodies, sweatpants, they comein handy a lot.
And don't forget hangers.
For cleaning, we're all hopingthey clean their dorms, so basic
supplies, paper towels,disinfecting wipes, a Swiffer or
something similar.
They're not gonna deep cleanregularly, if at all.
(08:01):
But being able to deal withspills in general.
Grossness is important.
Vacuum is a waste.
For storage containers for underthe bed on top of closets.
Bottom of the closets.
The provided furniture isminimal and they'll need places
to put things.
But again, know the space youhave and don't go overboard
here, or just wait till youarrive in College Town and run
(08:23):
to the nearest Target or Walmartand pick it up there for school,
a laptop.
And some very basic supplies andmaybe a good desk lamp,.
They'll likely do most of theirserious studying outside of
their room, but having afunctional workplace helps.
So what was Ava most gratefulfor to have besides her fan?
Say a good mirror that she couldposition how she wanted a
(08:47):
bulletin poured for important inpapers, reminders and photos.
An ice maker and a Brita she hadthat she really liked.
And yes, those LED lights thatevery college student seems to
have, they actually do make thespace feel more homey.
Don't stress about havingeverything perfect to day one.
You'll forget things and it'sokay to order them or run to the
(09:09):
store or send stuff later.
It will be good enough, I assureyou.
So let's talk about move in daybecause it's intense.
Picture this.
Hundreds of families all tryingto unload their cars at the same
time in August, heat carryingmini fridges of narrow
stairwells all while trying tomaintain some semblance of
(09:32):
composure.
Ava's dorm was challenging.
It was by far one of the oldestbuildings on campus where the
rooms were clearly designed whenpeople had fewer possessions and
much lower expectations.
Think cinder block walls.
Dark hallways, minimal closetspace, and a layout that made no
(09:53):
logical sense and could not bechanged.
But we did our best.
We unpacked, we set up ourspace, we hung photos, we
grabbed blackout shades andtried to make it feel homey.
And then came the moment we'dall been dreading saying
goodbye.
I thought I was prepared forthis.
I'd been mentally preparingforever and certainly all
(10:14):
summer, and I was so excited forher.
I loved college.
I knew she'd be great, but whenit came time to actually leave
her there in that little room ithit me harder than I expected.
We hugged goodbye in her room.
Her dad cried first, which madeher cry, and I had my composure.
Until we closed her door, andthen I lost it.
(10:37):
And my younger daughter, Maggie,took cues for me and started
crying too.
We were a mess in that hallwayand in the car ride home.
But here's what I wanna tell youabout that moment.
It's supposed to be hard.
If it wasn't hard, it means thetransition wasn't that
meaningful.
The tears aren't a sign that youare not ready or that you've
made a mistake.
(10:58):
They're a sign that you loveeach other, and this moment is
big.
It's real.
It matters for your student.
That first night is weird.
They go from being surrounded byfamily and familiar faces to a
strange place in a strange room,and possibly silence.
If their roommate hasn't movedin yet.
They might question everything.
Their school choice, the room,whether they have everything,
(11:19):
whether they're ready for this.
Homesickness is just a sign thatthey're working through things
and they just need time toadjust.
Just the same as you.
So let's be honest aboutroommates, because the fantasy
and the reality are often verydifferent.
Every incoming freshman has thisvision of their roommate being
(11:41):
their instant best friend.
They'll stay up late talking,borrow each other's clothes, be
each other's bridesmaid someday.
Sometimes that happens, but mostoften it doesn't, and that's
completely okay.
The roommate assignment processis interesting.
A lot of schools now letstudents connect through social
media or apps to find potentialroommates before they arrive.
(12:06):
Ava chose someone throughInstagram profiles.
Here's the think about thatprocess.
It can help you avoid veryincompatible solutions, but it
definitely does not guaranteefriendship.
Ava and her roommate were notbest friends.
They were barely friends,honestly, and maybe even more
negative than that.
(12:26):
They sort of kind figured outhow to coexist in their small
space.
Begrudgingly, they had differentfriend groups, different
schedules, different ideas abouthow to spend their time.
They did their best tocommunicate about the basics,
like when, like should be outand how to handle guests and who
is responsible for what, but notalways, and not without
(12:48):
disagreements.
The key is go in with realisticexpectations.
I'd say low expectations.
Your roommate doesn't need to beyour best friend.
They just need to be someone youcan live with.
Respectfully.
So in terms of what's works,hopefully, you know, set
boundaries early, clearly talkabout sleep schedules, guest
(13:09):
policies, sharing items,cleaning responsibilities.
It feels awkward, but itprevents bigger conflicts.
And like living with anyone,don't let small annoyances build
up into major resentments.
If something's bothering you,address it calmly and directly.
If you hate them, FaceTimingtheir significant other.
(13:29):
Every evening when you're tryingto sleep, say something before
you reach the point of passiveaggressive note leaving.
Respect each other's space andbelongings.
This seems obvious, but it'ssurprisingly easy to blur these
lines when you're living in suchclose quarters.
Invest in good headphones.
This cannot be overstated.
Headphones solve so manyroommate conflicts, and if the
(13:54):
roommate situation truly isn'tworking out, if there's safety
concerns, major lifestyleincompatibilities or ongoing
conflicts that can't beresolved.
It's okay to ask for help.
RAs, housing staff andcounseling services are there
for students.
There's no shame in asking for aroom change.
That's best for everyoneinvolved.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
One of the biggest sources of stress for new
college students and theirparents is the social pressure.
Everyone wants to know, havethey made friends yet?
Do they have a group?
Are they happy socially?
And here's what I wanna remindyou.
The friendship timeline incollege is completely different
from high school.
In high school, friend groupsoften form early and stay
(14:38):
relatively stable.
In college, everything is morefluid and that's actually a good
thing.
Ava's orientation group, not herlong-term friends, the people
she met in her first weekactivities, most of those
connections didn't stick.
Her initial group chat withfloor mates.
Dead by October, and that'scompletely normal.
(14:59):
The pressure to find your peopleimmediately is intense, but it's
also unrealistic.
Think about it.
Everyone is trying to figure outwho they are in this new
environment while simultaneouslytrying to connect with others
who are doing the same thing.
It takes time.
So what actually works thesedays for making connections in
college, same things that usedto say yes to things, especially
(15:23):
early on, those awkward mixerevents.
The floor pizza parties.
The club fairs.
They might seem forced, butthey're opportunities to meet
people in low stakesenvironments.
Be open to different types ofconnections.
Not every person you meet needsto become your best friend.
Get a study partner, someone tograb meals with occasionally,
and a few people you can textwhen you're bored is enough to
(15:45):
start.
Have your student be a littlebrave every day.
Sit next to someone new inclass.
Compliment someone's outfit.
Ask if you can join a group fordinner.
These small interactions add upand remember everyone's trying
to figure it out.
The group that looks super tightand established, probably all
just met too.
(16:06):
If friend groups shiftthroughout the year, this is
normal and often healthy peoplechange.
Interests evolve, and sometimesyou outgrow relationships that
served you well.
Initially for Ava, she wentthrough a few friend transitions
during the year.
As a parent watching thisprocess, it's hard.
You wanna fix it when they call,feeling lonely.
(16:28):
You wanna give them strategiesand solutions when they're being
ghosted by someone, but mostlythey just need time.
And your reassurance thatfeeling socially uncertain is
part of the process, not a signthat something's wrong.
So let's talk about academics.
The real reason for college,because this is probably the
(16:48):
biggest adjustment students facein college.
High school is very structured.
You go to the same classes everyday.
Teachers remind you aboutassignments.
There are check-ins on yourprogress.
College is not that.
In college, you might have aclass that meets twice a week
with three weeks between majorassignments and a professor who
(17:09):
assumes you're reading thematerial, whether they check or
not.
Some of Ava's classes wereasynchronous, means she had to
watch lectures and completeassignments on her own schedule.
Don't even get me started onthis because why am I paying for
classes like that the same waywith a professor?
But anyway, I digress.
The level of self-directionrequired for those is completely
(17:31):
different.
So what can help with thisacademic transition?
You know, treat the syllabuslike your Bible.
Read it carefully on the firstday of class, then read it
again.
Put every due date in yourcalendar.
Immediately that syllabus tellsyou exactly what's expected and
when use that information.
Schedule study time like youwould schedule anything else
(17:53):
important?
Don't wait for motivation orinspiration.
Block out time for readingassignments and review and treat
those blocks as non-negotiableappointments.
Go to office hours even if youdon't have specific questions
this is such an underutilizedresource.
Professors hold office hoursspecifically to help students,
(18:14):
and most students don't gounless they're desperate, but
you can learn so much just bylistening to other students'
questions and the professorclarifying concepts, or getting
feedback and ideas, or justchecking in on the class.
Find study partners or groupsearly in the semester.
This always helped me.
This isn't about cheating orgetting answers from others.
(18:35):
It's about having people todiscuss the material with, to
keep you accountable and to helpyou when you're stuck.
And if you're struggling, speakup.
Don't wait until you'recompletely lost or failing
assignments to ask for help.
Most professors areunderstanding and willing to
work with students.
Plus, there's tutoring centers,writing centers, study skill
(18:56):
workshops, academic coaching.
All of these are to keep yourstudents from failing, from
faltering, from really beingfrustrated.
No student has to figure it outalone.
The myth of college being aboutcomplete independence is just
that a myth.
Successful students are the oneswho know how to ask for help and
(19:17):
use available resources.
And as a parent, I'd advise.
Don't be angry about grades.
Just encourage your students,make sure they're following what
they should in attending class.
But it's best to be supportiverather than making your children
feel bad when they're alreadystruggling.
So let's talk about the socialside of college, the parties,
(19:38):
the late nights, the freedom tomake your own choices without
parental oversight, becausethat's really the stuff I
remember from college, not theclasses so much, and it's a big
part of the college experience.
It's also where a lot ofstudents struggle to find
balance.
The freedom's intoxicating.
No curfews, no parents checking.
When you where you are, no onetelling you that you have to be
(20:01):
home by midnight.
Every night could be a socialopportunity.
There are parties, events,gatherings, and always something
happening, and every freshmanneeds to find their balance of
having fun while making time forstudies.
Are there strategies that work?
First, I'd say don't say yes toeverything.
It's hard because everythingfeels important and fun and
(20:24):
you'll have fomo, but learningto be selective about social
commitments is a crucial lifeskill.
And believe me, someday you'llbe so happy to say no.
Block out time again to work soyour evenings can be flexible.
If you get into the habit ofdoing schoolwork only at night,
you'll always be choosingbetween social opportunities and
academic responsibilities.
(20:45):
Know your limits.
Social, emotional, and academic.
Some people could go out threenights a week and still function
well.
Others need much more downtimeand quiet, so you have to figure
it out for yourself and remindyour student it's okay to stay
in.
They're not boring.
Randy Social for choosing tohave a quiet night in the room
sometimes.
That's what's needed.
(21:06):
And last I'd say remind yourstudent to be smart about
alcohol and substances.
I'm not gonna pretend thatdrinking doesn't happen in
college.
We were all college studentsonce, but they should learn and
be aware of their limits.
Don't drink to the point wherethey're putting themselves in
unsafe situations and don'tsurround themselves with people
who do.
The key is finding a balancethat works for your individual
(21:29):
goals and values.
Some students thrive with a veryactive social calendar.
Others prefer small gatheringsor one-on-one interactions.
There's no right or wrong way toexperience college socially.
There's just what works for youwhile maintaining your health
and being academicallysuccessful.
Before we wrap up.
(21:49):
I wanna talk about somethingthat caught me completely off
guard.
How much I've enjoyed havingjust Maggie at home this past
year.
Maggie is 16.
And for the first time in herlife she got to be an only
child.
And honestly, it's been prettyamazing to watch her come into
her own.
She's not competing for airtimeat the dinner table anymore.
(22:10):
She is the dinner conversation.
We're getting to know herfriends better because we have
more bandwidth to focus on hersocial world.
She's sharing stories andopinions and thoughts that might
have gotten lost in the shufflewhen we had two teenagers vying
for our attention.
It's been good for her to haveher undivided focus because it's
also been interesting for her toobserve how we handle things
(22:32):
with Ava from a distance.
She's watching us navigate thecollege communication dance,
seeing how we respond when Avacalls stressed or needs advice.
In a way, she's getting apreview of how we'll handle her
transition when the time comes,or would the changes she would
wanna make in the way we handlethings with her.
The house feels different.
(22:52):
Quieter cleaner.
We're having longerconversations and cooking new
foods together.
Maggie stepped into being thefocus of our parental attention
in a way that feels natural andhealthy.
And as for the sisters, they'restill figuring out their
relationship.
They don't talk and text as muchas I expected they would
honestly, but they're in acompletely different phase of
(23:15):
their lives right now.
Avis navigating collegeindependence.
Maggie's still deep in the highschool world of friend drama,
school stress, and figuring outher own future.
I think their relationship willevolve and probably get closer
in the coming years.
Right now Ava is chockfull ofadvice about everything from
college prep to boys to how tohandle difficult teachers, and
(23:39):
Maggie just needs to get to apoint where she's open to
receiving it.
You know how it is withsiblings.
Sometimes the wisdom has to waituntil the younger one is ready
to hear it.
But here's the kicker.
Maggie's heading into her junioryear, which means we're about to
start the whole college prepprocess all over again.
SAT prep, college visits,application deadlines, and all
(24:00):
the anxiety that comes with it.
So just as I'm gettingcomfortable with one kid in
college, I'm gearing up to havetwo.
Part of me is dreading thisprocess again, but part of me is
also excited.
We learned so much from Ava,what worked, what didn't, where
we overcomplicated things.
So I'm hoping maybe we're alittle better at this the second
time around.
(24:21):
Maybe we'll panic less about thedorm room set up and focus more
on the emotional preparation.
Or maybe we'll make newmistakes.
'cause Maggie is very differentfrom Ava.
But hey, at least we'll havematerial for more podcast
episodes.
The point is, if you're sendingyour first kid to college and
worrying about how your youngerchildren will handle it, know
(24:42):
that there can be real benefitsto the shift in family dynamics.
You remaining kids mightsurprise you with how they step
up into the space that's createdand they may revoke parts of
themselves that were hidden orharder to see when they were
sharing the spotlight.
So as we wrap up today'sepisode, let me give you the
real talk about this wholecollege transition and why you
(25:04):
shouldn't believe everything yousee on Instagram about it.
Freshman year of college isbasically an expensive lesson in
adulting.
Your kid will learn to dolaundry, eventually navigate
campus without getting lostmostly, and discover that the
dining room hall closes at 8:00PM right when they're starving
(25:25):
repeatedly.
They're gonna make mistakes.
Lots of them.
They're gonna get sick.
Too often they're gonna call youcrying because they locked
themselves out of the room forthe third time.
They'll accidentally wash theirwhite shirts with their new red
sweatshirt and text you photosof their now pink wardrobe.
They'll oversleep for an exam orforget an assignment.
And you know what?
(25:46):
That's what's supposed tohappen.
For students heading into thistransition, you're gonna feel
like everyone else has itfigured out while you're still
Googling.
How do I make friends incollege?
Spoiler alert, they're Googlingthe same thing.
You are gonna miss your dog morethan you expected.
You're gonna have at least onemoment where you question
everything and wonder if you'rewhere you should be, and you're
(26:09):
gonna discover that adultingreally comes with a little too
much responsibility.
For parents.
Here's the truth.
Letting go is less likegracefully releasing a butterfly
and more like watching someonelearn to drive stick shift.
Lots of jerky movements,occasional stalling, and this
distinct possibility thatsomeone's gonna end up crying in
(26:31):
a parking lot.
Your kid will come home forwinter break having gained some
weight, wearing clothes youdon't recognize, but somehow
they'll also have learned tonavigate a campus of 30,000
people, advocated for themselveswith professors and figured out
how to function without you.
So trust the process, trust yourkid, and stock up on tissues for
(26:53):
moving day.
Thanks for listening to, I Getit from my mom.
If this episode made you laugh,cry, or feel slightly less
panicked about college prep,please share it with other
parents who need to hear that.
We're all just making it up aswe go along.
And until next time, rememberyou've survived this far in
parenting.
You could definitely handle acollege drop off.
(27:15):
Thanks.
Welcome back to, I Get It from my mom, the podcast
where we talk about the realstuff, parenting, transitions,
and all the messy, beautifulmoments in between.
I am Elissa and today I amflying solo to talk about
something that's been on my minda lot lately.
Preparing for college.
Now I know what you're thinking.
(00:22):
There are a million college prepresources out there, but here's
the thing.
Most of them focus on thelogistics, the spreadsheets, the
shopping lists, the academicrequirements.
And while that stuff matters,what they don't talk about is
the emotional reality of thistransition.
For both you and your child.
My daughter Ava, wrapped up herfreshman year and let me tell
(00:44):
you, we learned some things,some we expected, some we did
not see coming.
So today I'm sharing the realtalk.
What actually helped, what wecould have skipped and what I'd
wish I'd known going into thiswhole experience.
So whether you're a parentgetting ready to send your first
kid to college or your fifth, ormaybe you're student listening
(01:05):
to this, thinking about what'sahead, this episode is for you.
We're going to cover everythingfrom the summer prep phase
through that first semester, andI promise to give it to you
straight.
So grab your coffee, settle in,and let's dive into what
freshman year prep actuallylooks like when you strip away
all the Pinterest perfection andget down to what matters.
(01:38):
Let's start with the summerbefore college because this is
where things get real.
Your kid has graduated highschool, they've gotten their
acceptance letter, and suddenlyit hits everyone.
This is actually happening.
Now if your teenagers anythinglike Ava was, they're probably
oscillating between pureexcitement and complete panic.
(02:00):
One minute they're makingtiktoks about how ready they are
to leave and the next, they'rehaving an existential crisis
about whether they picked theright school.
Ava became obsessed withplanning last summer, and I mean
obsessed.
She had spreadsheets for herspreadsheets.
She watched hours of dorm hallvideos.
She had separate Amazonwishlists for different
(02:23):
categories of dorm items.
She researched sheet threadcounts and air filter qualities,
and LED lighting.
As a parent, my first instinctwas to worry was this normal?
Was she having second thoughts?
But here's what I learned.
The obsessive planning wasn'treally about the desk lamp or
(02:43):
the storage bins.
It was about control.
When everything in your life isabout to change dramatically
focusing on the things you cancontrol, like having the perfect
dorm set up becomes a copingmechanism.
So if your kid is driving youcrazy this summer with the
endless Amazon carts and theconstant college TikTok
consumption, take a breath.
(03:04):
This is their way of processinga huge transition.
Your job isn't to manage theiranxiety away, it's to support
them through it.
That said, there are somepractical things you can do
during this phase that actuallyhelp first set some boundaries
around the shopping.
I know the impulse to buy them.
(03:24):
Everything is strong.
Believe me, I felt it too.
But those dorm rooms are tinyand they're gonna figure out
what they actually need oncethey're living in the space.
Start with the basics and planto fill in gaps later.
Second, focus on life skillsover stuff this summer.
Before college is your lastchance to make sure they know
(03:46):
how to do laundry withoutturning everything pink.
How to budget their spending,how to refill a prescription,
how to schedule a doctor'sappointment.
These skills will serve them waybetter than the perfect desk
organizer.
Third, talk about expectations,theirs and yours.
What do they hope college willbe like?
(04:07):
What are they worried about?
What are your non-negotiablesfor communication?
Having these conversationsbefore school is a lot easier
than trying to figure it out inSeptember when everyone's
emotions are running high.
And here's something I didn'texpect.
This summer is also when you, asthe parent start processing your
(04:29):
own feelings about thistransition.
You might find yourself gettingunexpectedly emotional at random
moments or overly excited.
You might start noticing all thethings about having them at home
that you're going to miss.
Or again, be excited about.
That's completely normal.
Don't try to hide it from them.
They're dealing with their ownemotions and seeing that you're
(04:50):
gonna miss them too can actuallybe reassuring.
Okay, let's talk about packing,because this is where things can
get overwhelming fast.
Every college sends you asuggested packing list.
Then you go online and findlists that contradict each other
and dorm room tours that makeyou think your kid needs to
(05:11):
recreate a West Elm catalog intheir eight by eight space.
Here's the truth, you don't needmuch of that stuff.
After watching Ava navigate herfreshman year.
Here's what actually matters.
First for the bed twin, extralarge bedding is non-negotiable,
but you don't need to spend afortune on designer dorm
(05:31):
bedding.
It won't last that many years.
Anyway, a good mattress topper,though, that's worth the
investment.
These dorm mattresses arebasically camping cots.
We like the sleepy head brand,although it's not cheap.
Good pillows matter too.
They might be sleeping in weirdpositions if they have a lofted
bed situation, and that pillow'sgonna come in handy.
(05:53):
And if your kid's going to lofttheir bed, make sure they have
what they actually need to dothat safely and consider a
storage ottoman or like a smallstep stool.
There's no reason to makemidnight trips to the bathroom
complicated by trying to climbdown from a lofted bed in the
dark.
For the room a fan, trust me onthis.
(06:14):
Even if the dorm has airconditioning, it's probably not
great and most dorms do not.
Woozoo is a brand that makes avery good one.
An air purifier is also worthconsidering.
Dorm air can be pretty stuffyand germy.
For personal care, a shower,caddy, toiletries, towels, and
(06:35):
shower shoes are essential.
You're talking communalbathrooms.
You need the right supplies tomake it less awful.
I also recommend sending somebasic medications, headache
relief, cold medicine, bandaids,feminine care products.
Campus health center's usuallygreat, but you don't wanna have
to check there for the littlethings.
For laundry.
Don't forget detergent.
(06:56):
Ava actually found that thesheets are easiest and lightest
and won't make a mess likeliquid or pods.
And a hamper that actually hashandles or straps.
Don't go fancy here.
Some laundry rooms are down inthe dusty basement of the dorm,
so you need somethingtransportable for electronics,
extension cords and power stripsare key.
(07:18):
Extra long phone chargers helpand good headphones.
Dorm rooms were not designed forthe number of devices college
students have today forclothing.
Here's where you can gooverboard.
Just bring clothes for the firstfew months of school,
appropriate for the weatherthey're gonna have in those
months.
And remember, if they don't wearnice clothes at home, they're
(07:39):
definitely not gonna be wearingthem at school.
Hoodies, sweatpants, they comein handy a lot.
And don't forget hangers.
For cleaning, we're all hopingthey clean their dorms, so basic
supplies, paper towels,disinfecting wipes, a Swiffer or
something similar.
They're not gonna deep cleanregularly, if at all.
(08:01):
But being able to deal withspills in general.
Grossness is important.
Vacuum is a waste.
For storage containers for underthe bed on top of closets.
Bottom of the closets.
The provided furniture isminimal and they'll need places
to put things.
But again, know the space youhave and don't go overboard
here, or just wait till youarrive in College Town and run
(08:23):
to the nearest Target or Walmartand pick it up there for school,
a laptop.
And some very basic supplies andmaybe a good desk lamp,.
They'll likely do most of theirserious studying outside of
their room, but having afunctional workplace helps.
So what was Ava most gratefulfor to have besides her fan?
Say a good mirror that she couldposition how she wanted a
(08:47):
bulletin poured for important inpapers, reminders and photos.
An ice maker and a Brita she hadthat she really liked.
And yes, those LED lights thatevery college student seems to
have, they actually do make thespace feel more homey.
Don't stress about havingeverything perfect to day one.
You'll forget things and it'sokay to order them or run to the
(09:09):
store or send stuff later.
It will be good enough, I assureyou.
So let's talk about move in daybecause it's intense.
Picture this.
Hundreds of families all tryingto unload their cars at the same
time in August, heat carryingmini fridges of narrow
stairwells all while trying tomaintain some semblance of
(09:32):
composure.
Ava's dorm was challenging.
It was by far one of the oldestbuildings on campus where the
rooms were clearly designed whenpeople had fewer possessions and
much lower expectations.
Think cinder block walls.
Dark hallways, minimal closetspace, and a layout that made no
(09:53):
logical sense and could not bechanged.
But we did our best.
We unpacked, we set up ourspace, we hung photos, we
grabbed blackout shades andtried to make it feel homey.
And then came the moment we'dall been dreading saying
goodbye.
I thought I was prepared forthis.
I'd been mentally preparingforever and certainly all
(10:14):
summer, and I was so excited forher.
I loved college.
I knew she'd be great, but whenit came time to actually leave
her there in that little room ithit me harder than I expected.
We hugged goodbye in her room.
Her dad cried first, which madeher cry, and I had my composure.
Until we closed her door, andthen I lost it.
(10:37):
And my younger daughter, Maggie,took cues for me and started
crying too.
We were a mess in that hallwayand in the car ride home.
But here's what I wanna tell youabout that moment.
It's supposed to be hard.
If it wasn't hard, it means thetransition wasn't that
meaningful.
The tears aren't a sign that youare not ready or that you've
made a mistake.
(10:58):
They're a sign that you loveeach other, and this moment is
big.
It's real.
It matters for your student.
That first night is weird.
They go from being surrounded byfamily and familiar faces to a
strange place in a strange room,and possibly silence.
If their roommate hasn't movedin yet.
They might question everything.
Their school choice, the room,whether they have everything,
(11:19):
whether they're ready for this.
Homesickness is just a sign thatthey're working through things
and they just need time toadjust.
Just the same as you.
So let's be honest aboutroommates, because the fantasy
and the reality are often verydifferent.
Every incoming freshman has thisvision of their roommate being
(11:41):
their instant best friend.
They'll stay up late talking,borrow each other's clothes, be
each other's bridesmaid someday.
Sometimes that happens, but mostoften it doesn't, and that's
completely okay.
The roommate assignment processis interesting.
A lot of schools now letstudents connect through social
media or apps to find potentialroommates before they arrive.
(12:06):
Ava chose someone throughInstagram profiles.
Here's the think about thatprocess.
It can help you avoid veryincompatible solutions, but it
definitely does not guaranteefriendship.
Ava and her roommate were notbest friends.
They were barely friends,honestly, and maybe even more
negative than that.
(12:26):
They sort of kind figured outhow to coexist in their small
space.
Begrudgingly, they had differentfriend groups, different
schedules, different ideas abouthow to spend their time.
They did their best tocommunicate about the basics,
like when, like should be outand how to handle guests and who
is responsible for what, but notalways, and not without
(12:48):
disagreements.
The key is go in with realisticexpectations.
I'd say low expectations.
Your roommate doesn't need to beyour best friend.
They just need to be someone youcan live with.
Respectfully.
So in terms of what's works,hopefully, you know, set
boundaries early, clearly talkabout sleep schedules, guest
(13:09):
policies, sharing items,cleaning responsibilities.
It feels awkward, but itprevents bigger conflicts.
And like living with anyone,don't let small annoyances build
up into major resentments.
If something's bothering you,address it calmly and directly.
If you hate them, FaceTimingtheir significant other.
(13:29):
Every evening when you're tryingto sleep, say something before
you reach the point of passiveaggressive note leaving.
Respect each other's space andbelongings.
This seems obvious, but it'ssurprisingly easy to blur these
lines when you're living in suchclose quarters.
Invest in good headphones.
This cannot be overstated.
Headphones solve so manyroommate conflicts, and if the
(13:54):
roommate situation truly isn'tworking out, if there's safety
concerns, major lifestyleincompatibilities or ongoing
conflicts that can't beresolved.
It's okay to ask for help.
RAs, housing staff andcounseling services are there
for students.
There's no shame in asking for aroom change.
That's best for everyoneinvolved.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
One of the biggest sources of stress for new
college students and theirparents is the social pressure.
Everyone wants to know, havethey made friends yet?
Do they have a group?
Are they happy socially?
And here's what I wanna remindyou.
The friendship timeline incollege is completely different
from high school.
In high school, friend groupsoften form early and stay
(14:38):
relatively stable.
In college, everything is morefluid and that's actually a good
thing.
Ava's orientation group, not herlong-term friends, the people
she met in her first weekactivities, most of those
connections didn't stick.
Her initial group chat withfloor mates.
Dead by October, and that'scompletely normal.
(14:59):
The pressure to find your peopleimmediately is intense, but it's
also unrealistic.
Think about it.
Everyone is trying to figure outwho they are in this new
environment while simultaneouslytrying to connect with others
who are doing the same thing.
It takes time.
So what actually works thesedays for making connections in
college, same things that usedto say yes to things, especially
(15:23):
early on, those awkward mixerevents.
The floor pizza parties.
The club fairs.
They might seem forced, butthey're opportunities to meet
people in low stakesenvironments.
Be open to different types ofconnections.
Not every person you meet needsto become your best friend.
Get a study partner, someone tograb meals with occasionally,
and a few people you can textwhen you're bored is enough to
(15:45):
start.
Have your student be a littlebrave every day.
Sit next to someone new inclass.
Compliment someone's outfit.
Ask if you can join a group fordinner.
These small interactions add upand remember everyone's trying
to figure it out.
The group that looks super tightand established, probably all
just met too.
(16:06):
If friend groups shiftthroughout the year, this is
normal and often healthy peoplechange.
Interests evolve, and sometimesyou outgrow relationships that
served you well.
Initially for Ava, she wentthrough a few friend transitions
during the year.
As a parent watching thisprocess, it's hard.
You wanna fix it when they call,feeling lonely.
(16:28):
You wanna give them strategiesand solutions when they're being
ghosted by someone, but mostlythey just need time.
And your reassurance thatfeeling socially uncertain is
part of the process, not a signthat something's wrong.
So let's talk about academics.
The real reason for college,because this is probably the
(16:48):
biggest adjustment students facein college.
High school is very structured.
You go to the same classes everyday.
Teachers remind you aboutassignments.
There are check-ins on yourprogress.
College is not that.
In college, you might have aclass that meets twice a week
with three weeks between majorassignments and a professor who
(17:09):
assumes you're reading thematerial, whether they check or
not.
Some of Ava's classes wereasynchronous, means she had to
watch lectures and completeassignments on her own schedule.
Don't even get me started onthis because why am I paying for
classes like that the same waywith a professor?
But anyway, I digress.
The level of self-directionrequired for those is completely
(17:31):
different.
So what can help with thisacademic transition?
You know, treat the syllabuslike your Bible.
Read it carefully on the firstday of class, then read it
again.
Put every due date in yourcalendar.
Immediately that syllabus tellsyou exactly what's expected and
when use that information.
Schedule study time like youwould schedule anything else
(17:53):
important?
Don't wait for motivation orinspiration.
Block out time for readingassignments and review and treat
those blocks as non-negotiableappointments.
Go to office hours even if youdon't have specific questions
this is such an underutilizedresource.
Professors hold office hoursspecifically to help students,
(18:14):
and most students don't gounless they're desperate, but
you can learn so much just bylistening to other students'
questions and the professorclarifying concepts, or getting
feedback and ideas, or justchecking in on the class.
Find study partners or groupsearly in the semester.
This always helped me.
This isn't about cheating orgetting answers from others.
(18:35):
It's about having people todiscuss the material with, to
keep you accountable and to helpyou when you're stuck.
And if you're struggling, speakup.
Don't wait until you'recompletely lost or failing
assignments to ask for help.
Most professors areunderstanding and willing to
work with students.
Plus, there's tutoring centers,writing centers, study skill
(18:56):
workshops, academic coaching.
All of these are to keep yourstudents from failing, from
faltering, from really beingfrustrated.
No student has to figure it outalone.
The myth of college being aboutcomplete independence is just
that a myth.
Successful students are the oneswho know how to ask for help and
(19:17):
use available resources.
And as a parent, I'd advise.
Don't be angry about grades.
Just encourage your students,make sure they're following what
they should in attending class.
But it's best to be supportiverather than making your children
feel bad when they're alreadystruggling.
So let's talk about the socialside of college, the parties,
(19:38):
the late nights, the freedom tomake your own choices without
parental oversight, becausethat's really the stuff I
remember from college, not theclasses so much, and it's a big
part of the college experience.
It's also where a lot ofstudents struggle to find
balance.
The freedom's intoxicating.
No curfews, no parents checking.
When you where you are, no onetelling you that you have to be
(20:01):
home by midnight.
Every night could be a socialopportunity.
There are parties, events,gatherings, and always something
happening, and every freshmanneeds to find their balance of
having fun while making time forstudies.
Are there strategies that work?
First, I'd say don't say yes toeverything.
It's hard because everythingfeels important and fun and
(20:24):
you'll have fomo, but learningto be selective about social
commitments is a crucial lifeskill.
And believe me, someday you'llbe so happy to say no.
Block out time again to work soyour evenings can be flexible.
If you get into the habit ofdoing schoolwork only at night,
you'll always be choosingbetween social opportunities and
academic responsibilities.
(20:45):
Know your limits.
Social, emotional, and academic.
Some people could go out threenights a week and still function
well.
Others need much more downtimeand quiet, so you have to figure
it out for yourself and remindyour student it's okay to stay
in.
They're not boring.
Randy Social for choosing tohave a quiet night in the room
sometimes.
That's what's needed.
(21:06):
And last I'd say remind yourstudent to be smart about
alcohol and substances.
I'm not gonna pretend thatdrinking doesn't happen in
college.
We were all college studentsonce, but they should learn and
be aware of their limits.
Don't drink to the point wherethey're putting themselves in
unsafe situations and don'tsurround themselves with people
who do.
The key is finding a balancethat works for your individual
(21:29):
goals and values.
Some students thrive with a veryactive social calendar.
Others prefer small gatheringsor one-on-one interactions.
There's no right or wrong way toexperience college socially.
There's just what works for youwhile maintaining your health
and being academicallysuccessful.
Before we wrap up.
(21:49):
I wanna talk about somethingthat caught me completely off
guard.
How much I've enjoyed havingjust Maggie at home this past
year.
Maggie is 16.
And for the first time in herlife she got to be an only
child.
And honestly, it's been prettyamazing to watch her come into
her own.
She's not competing for airtimeat the dinner table anymore.
(22:10):
She is the dinner conversation.
We're getting to know herfriends better because we have
more bandwidth to focus on hersocial world.
She's sharing stories andopinions and thoughts that might
have gotten lost in the shufflewhen we had two teenagers vying
for our attention.
It's been good for her to haveher undivided focus because it's
also been interesting for her toobserve how we handle things
(22:32):
with Ava from a distance.
She's watching us navigate thecollege communication dance,
seeing how we respond when Avacalls stressed or needs advice.
In a way, she's getting apreview of how we'll handle her
transition when the time comes,or would the changes she would
wanna make in the way we handlethings with her.
The house feels different.
(22:52):
Quieter cleaner.
We're having longerconversations and cooking new
foods together.
Maggie stepped into being thefocus of our parental attention
in a way that feels natural andhealthy.
And as for the sisters, they'restill figuring out their
relationship.
They don't talk and text as muchas I expected they would
honestly, but they're in acompletely different phase of
(23:15):
their lives right now.
Avis navigating collegeindependence.
Maggie's still deep in the highschool world of friend drama,
school stress, and figuring outher own future.
I think their relationship willevolve and probably get closer
in the coming years.
Right now Ava is chockfull ofadvice about everything from
college prep to boys to how tohandle difficult teachers, and
(23:39):
Maggie just needs to get to apoint where she's open to
receiving it.
You know how it is withsiblings.
Sometimes the wisdom has to waituntil the younger one is ready
to hear it.
But here's the kicker.
Maggie's heading into her junioryear, which means we're about to
start the whole college prepprocess all over again.
SAT prep, college visits,application deadlines, and all
(24:00):
the anxiety that comes with it.
So just as I'm gettingcomfortable with one kid in
college, I'm gearing up to havetwo.
Part of me is dreading thisprocess again, but part of me is
also excited.
We learned so much from Ava,what worked, what didn't, where
we overcomplicated things.
So I'm hoping maybe we're alittle better at this the second
time around.
(24:21):
Maybe we'll panic less about thedorm room set up and focus more
on the emotional preparation.
Or maybe we'll make newmistakes.
'cause Maggie is very differentfrom Ava.
But hey, at least we'll havematerial for more podcast
episodes.
The point is, if you're sendingyour first kid to college and
worrying about how your youngerchildren will handle it, know
(24:42):
that there can be real benefitsto the shift in family dynamics.
You remaining kids mightsurprise you with how they step
up into the space that's createdand they may revoke parts of
themselves that were hidden orharder to see when they were
sharing the spotlight.
So as we wrap up today'sepisode, let me give you the
real talk about this wholecollege transition and why you
(25:04):
shouldn't believe everything yousee on Instagram about it.
Freshman year of college isbasically an expensive lesson in
adulting.
Your kid will learn to dolaundry, eventually navigate
campus without getting lostmostly, and discover that the
dining room hall closes at 8:00PM right when they're starving
(25:25):
repeatedly.
They're gonna make mistakes.
Lots of them.
They're gonna get sick.
Too often they're gonna call youcrying because they locked
themselves out of the room forthe third time.
They'll accidentally wash theirwhite shirts with their new red
sweatshirt and text you photosof their now pink wardrobe.
They'll oversleep for an exam orforget an assignment.
And you know what?
(25:46):
That's what's supposed tohappen.
For students heading into thistransition, you're gonna feel
like everyone else has itfigured out while you're still
Googling.
How do I make friends incollege?
Spoiler alert, they're Googlingthe same thing.
You are gonna miss your dog morethan you expected.
You're gonna have at least onemoment where you question
everything and wonder if you'rewhere you should be, and you're
(26:09):
gonna discover that adultingreally comes with a little too
much responsibility.
For parents.
Here's the truth.
Letting go is less likegracefully releasing a butterfly
and more like watching someonelearn to drive stick shift.
Lots of jerky movements,occasional stalling, and this
distinct possibility thatsomeone's gonna end up crying in
(26:31):
a parking lot.
Your kid will come home forwinter break having gained some
weight, wearing clothes youdon't recognize, but somehow
they'll also have learned tonavigate a campus of 30,000
people, advocated for themselveswith professors and figured out
how to function without you.
So trust the process, trust yourkid, and stock up on tissues for
(26:53):
moving day.
Thanks for listening to, I Getit from my mom.
If this episode made you laugh,cry, or feel slightly less
panicked about college prep,please share it with other
parents who need to hear that.
We're all just making it up aswe go along.
And until next time, rememberyou've survived this far in
parenting.
You could definitely handle acollege drop off.
(27:15):
Thanks.
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