May 6, 2025 • 38 mins
Likes, Filters & FOMO: What Social Media Is Really Doing to Our Kids
Episode Summary:
Social media has become more than just apps and scrolling—it's where kids form their identities, build friendships, and (sometimes) lose their sense of self. In this episode of I Get It From My Mom, Elissa, Ava, and Maggie dig into the real impact platforms like Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, and even Threads have on tweens and teens.
Inspired by the Netflix documentary Adolescence, this candid conversation covers:
✅ When kids should get social media and how parents can prepare them
✅ Why likes, comments, and views can feel like self-worth
✅ How filters and comparison culture distort reality (even for adults)
✅ What cyberbullying can look like today and how to talk about it
✅ How to build real friendships in a world that feels curated
Whether you're raising kids in this digital era or trying to understand your own screen habits, this episode is packed with stories, perspectives, and some honest reflections—no filters included.
Takeaways & Challenges:
📌 Normalize open conversations about what kids are seeing and feeling online
📌 Help teens understand the difference between “real life” and the highlight reel
📌 Encourage mindful posting, boundary-setting, and digital detoxes
📌 Remind them—and yourself—that likes ≠ love
Connect With Us:
Follow our journey and join the conversation:
📸 Podcast Instagram: @i.get.it.from.mymom
🎥 Ava’s TikTok (college life, dorm hacks & real talk): @avamorgan.klein
🧵 Elissa’s Threads (parenting thoughts & unfiltered takes): @elissaaryn
🎧 Hit play, share with a parent or teen you love, and tell us—what’s your relationship with social media right now?
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to, I Get it from mymom, where we have the
conversations parents andchildren should be having, but
sometimes avoid.
I'm Alyssa, a mom who rememberslife before selfies, likes and
algorithms.
I'm Ava and I've basically grownup on social media, middle
school, high school, college,every stage, had a platform tied
(00:21):
to it.
I'm Maggie and in high schoolwhere social media plays a big
role in everything we do.
Today we're diving into socialmedia, how it shaped the way
kids grow up, connect, compare,and define themselves.
Inspired by the Netflix show,Adolescence we're asking, is
social media helping us grow orquietly wrecking our confidence?
(00:44):
Let's get into it before someoneposts about us first.
So I obviously grew up wellbefore cell phones and computers
were even accessible, let alonesocial media, but for you it's
(01:07):
been very different.
Okay.
So take me back.
I know you were both givenphones in fifth grade since
that's when school was fartheraway and you were occasionally
commuting without an adult andwith some friends on the bus or
subway.
But when did you each get yourfirst social media account, and
do you remember your first postsor what you used it for?
So my first social media accountwas Instagram.
(01:29):
I remember, I think I got it infifth grade because I remember
being on the way home fromschool with my friend, and we
were talking about how we'reboth allowed to get Instagram
now.
And I do remember that my firstpost was a picture of a bagel
that I ate and I posted it and Ithink I said like Yum or
something.
(01:50):
Do you remember Mags?
I mean, we had iPods evenyounger than that at like seven
when we were allowed to takethem to camp.
And I think at that point I hadmusically, so I don't remember
what my first post was, but Iknow I had that first.
And what was musically likesocial media where you like
music or share music?
It's basically, it was like aTikTok type of thing where you
(02:10):
dance and stuff.
Okay.
But in fifth grade, did you haveInstagram too?
By the time you really had aphone and stuff, do you
remember?
I don't think I got until later.
Okay.
So were your friends all onsocial media at the time?
Ava, I know you mentionedcertainly one friend was, but I
also know others were definitelylater on.
And were any of your friendsfeeling left out since their
(02:31):
parents wouldn't allow it?
So I think I got Instagram andlike Snapchat for the first time
because other people had it, andthat's when I asked you if I
could have it, and that's when Igot it.
But I did have one friendspecifically who wasn't allowed
to have Instagram until eighthgrade.
And I remember it was like areally big deal when she finally
made her account.
(02:52):
Like we screen shared it to herTV and were so happy that she
finally had Instagram.
But yeah, I think that.
It was at the point that if youdidn't have a certain social
media, you kind of felt a littleleft out.
But it definitely wasn't as muchas it is now because at that
point it was like eight yearsago.
(03:13):
Yeah, makes sense.
So we didn't monitor everyminute of yours on social be
media.
Maybe we should have, but weinsisted that you let us follow
your posts, but we obviouslycouldn't say everything you were
looking at or everything youeven shared, because I think you
both quickly created Finstas orfake Insta accounts.
We've never been on Snapchat, soI know you have your whole lives
(03:35):
on that.
and you are far busier on socialmedia than we used to be,
although now I probably am worsethan both of you.
But we each watch Adolescence onNetflix individually a few weeks
ago, which is phenomenally welldone.
For anyone who hasn't seen it, Ido recommend it without giving
too much away.
It highlights some of thedangers of social media,
bullying, feeling left out,having picture shared too
(03:57):
publicly.
Ruining self-confidence.
So girls, when do you think isthe right age for kids to have
access to social media?
And what role do you thinkparents should play in
monitoring?
I feel like at this point, allkids have social media, so it's
hard to limit kids to not haveit while they're still young.
But I think there's a differencebetween like giving your kids a
(04:20):
phone and having social media.
But I think for social mediaspecifically, I think a good age
is like.
12 or 13 ish at this point.
Once they're mature enough toknow how to use it correctly and
once they're mature enough tounderstand the dangers of it,
and I think it's fair forparents to be monitor monitoring
(04:42):
it if you think there'ssomething to be scared of.
But I feel like ours was nevermonitored and we were fine.
Yeah, I definitely agree withMaggie.
I think that, in this day andage, the idea of being able to
keep your kids off of socialmedia is honestly a little bit
naive because even if you thinkyour kids aren't on it, they
probably have some way of beingon it.
(05:03):
And you know, social media issuch a big part of today's
world, and I think that.
The important thing rather thanthe right age, because I think
that that honestly could differfor different kids.
I mean, I agree with Maggie.
I think 12 and 13 would be anideal age, but everyone is
surrounded by different friendswho have it at different times
and might want it earlier orwhatnot.
(05:24):
I think that the important thingis educating kids about it,
like.
What the fact that things onsocial media aren't always true.
The fact that you shouldn't besending these types of pictures
or texting these kinds ofpeople, or, I think it's
important to educate kids onthat very early on because I
think, you know, six year oldsknow what TikTok is, so it's
(05:49):
kind of impossible to thinkyou're gonna keep your kids off
of social media.
So I think that the betterquestion is how.
Can you prepare them for it?
Because social media is notgoing away ever.
All right.
I, I mean, I think that's a goodanswer.
So it may be it's individual byfamily or child.
Don't be naive to think, as aparent that your children, I.
(06:12):
Aren't on it, but mostimportantly, make sure your
children understand theimportance of it, what it means,
how it's in the public forever,that type of thing when you're
doing it.
So for parents, you really needto make sure it's less about
monitoring and more about maybeteaching, because I agree, I
think.
Monitoring super difficult, butthere's been a lot in the news
(06:33):
and a lot of commotion actuallyfollowing Adolescence.
And that was filmed and createdin the uk And frankly, the UK
government was quickly standingup to say, social media
companies such as Meta who owns,Facebook and Insta and Threads
and whatnot, or even thegovernment have a responsibility
to keep.
Kids off of social media that weshould make sure you're 18, for
(06:55):
instance, before you sign up or15 or whatever it is, and that
the company should do more tomake sure they're blocking when
they realize someone might be achild.
How do you guys feel about that?
Where maybe the pressure's offthe kid and the parents and it's
the government or a privatecompany getting involved?
I had to do an assignment forglobal, like a few months back.
(07:16):
Where?
Global history?
Yes.
Global.
Where we had to find a currentevent that was going on
somewhere in another country.
And the one me and my friendfound was how Australia was
trying to make like an ageminimum for social media and it
was supposed to be like 16 andthey were gonna make intricate
ways to try and see what agepeople are and try and make sure
(07:38):
people are really the age theywere thinking of it.
And I know recently I think thathad been passed, but.
I think it is a big part of metaand also governments to make
sure these things are beingregulated.
And while I mean on anything,there's always ways to bypass
the, oh yes, I'm 16, oh yes, I'm13, whatever the age requirement
(08:00):
is.
But I feel, feel like there is aresponsibility to uphold of
trying to keep people safe.
You should wanna uphold on yourwebsite or app to create a safe
space for people to use.
Yeah.
Funnily enough, I also just dida school project on this in a
communications class I'm in.
(08:21):
It was a little bit more aboutgovernment regulation on social
media versus social mediacompanies.
But look, I think I agree withMaggie.
The truth of the matter is.
As much as you try to putsomething in place and as much
as companies like Meta can say,oh, but we don't allow people
under the age of 16 on the app,so it's not our fault.
(08:43):
There's always ways around that.
And I also think that, you know,letting the government have
responsibility over social mediaplatforms kind of goes down a
slippery slope of.
Free speech, if that makessense.
A little bit like what are weallowing the government to
(09:06):
regulate on apps that sh arekind of like a big social
square, if that makes sense,where everyone's kind of just
throwing out ideas all the time.
But that can't always be thebest place for kids.
So I also think it goes back to.
As much as you can wanna rely oncompanies in the government, I
(09:29):
still think kids are gonna beable to get on social media and
it goes back to the parents.
I think those are both excellentpoints.
When the government has come inor meta has been involved,
frankly it's been much moreabout making sure that, there's
not a pedophile issue of anadult talking to a child.
But let's, actually turn ourattention to kind of how we all
(09:51):
use social media.
Because if you go toAdolescence, this wasn't about
an adult stalking a child in anyway.
It was about a bunch of 13 yearolds, right?
And just how they use socialmedia.
And so we'll, let's, let's kindof follow that path, but I
appreciate one that you guyshave thought about it and two
even done kind of schoolworkaround it.
Because I think it's gonna keepgoing, growing and know.
I know, Maggie, your interest inthis often comes from a public
(10:14):
policy standpoint.
And Ava, your interest oftencomes from the social media
communication standpoint.
So it'll be interesting as bothof you dive further into your
interests and then what reallyhappens with social media.
We're gonna have some greatdebates over this over the
years.
So let's talk about the thingsno one wants to admit, right,
how much social media is tied topeople's need for attention.
(10:36):
They care how many likes theyget, how many comments, how many
reposts?
So how do you feel when a postdoes or doesn't get enough
attention?
No one likes when your postdoesn't get enough attention.
I mean, the truth of the matteris you're posting for people to
see and you know, gettingvalidation then from it or not
(10:56):
can kind of impact how you thinkabout what you post.
Personally, I.
Most of the things I post onTikTok are just for likes
because I'm just posting collegecontent or whatnot.
Is it something I'm so.
Interested in, no, not reallyabout what things you should get
for your dorm, but I'm postingit to get likes and attention
(11:19):
and be able to partner withbrands and put that on my
resume.
So I think, yeah, definitelyfollowers and likes, and I don't
think I'm the only one.
I mean, I think everyone caresif you post a photo and it
doesn't get likes.
Suddenly you're like, oh, isthis a bad picture And, and I
think that's fair.
So does your self-worth thenfeel tied to how people respond
to you online by the number oflikes?
Do you know people who are verydriven by this?
(11:42):
I think I've seen people whowill delete posts that don't get
enough attention, and there'sthis pressure that having enough
likes makes you seem morepopular and interesting and fun,
even if you're having acompletely average day.
When you just post something tospecifically make it look like
you're out doing something.
When you're taking a walk withyour mom to the grocery store,
(12:03):
but you post a photo of what thestreet looks like in cars
passing, it makes it look likeyou're doing something more
interesting to get people'sattention.
And when that attention doesn'tget given, it makes you feel
like what you did wasn't goodenough in a situation or it
wasn't the right thing to do andnow it makes you feel like you
did something wrong.
It is very something that likedrives people to want to post or
(12:26):
want to be somewhere or want todo something.
Kind of to just quickly build onMaggie.
I think also.
As you get older, and especiallyat like the age Maggie and I are
at now, this kind of stage oflife, seeing people portray
their lives on social media oneway.
Even, for example, looking atall the people I went to high
(12:46):
school with in college andthat's all I know about their
experience in college.
So it all looks so fun anddandy, but everyone is doing
work and homework and things arehard and no one's at home So
it's very easy to portray a lifeon social media that you're not
actually living Yeah, I hate tosay it, but even I get obsessed
(13:09):
with the numbers of followersand likes.
I'm each always asking each ofyou to post about the podcast
and I'm been watching of course,how our listeners are going, but
I've been trying to build myThreads account and we'll put in
the show notes, my Threadsaccount address, anything that's
public, Ava's TikTok and theInstagram handle for this show.
But it's been slow andfrustrating to.
(13:29):
What I consider to be helpfuland insightful and clever, and
of course, funny comments onparenting and whatnot, similar
to the vibe we have here to kindof, you know, gain traction in
that area.
And I don't always get that muchlove for them, I have love for
them, mom, thanks.
You don't even follow my Threadsactually, you're not on Threads.
(13:49):
I don't, I don't have Threads,but you show me what you're
gonna post every time.
And I think they're funny.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Today my Insta Post reallydidn't get much, but anyway,
apps are meant to keep usershooked, hooked to see
validation, right?
And I think that's what worriesparents most.
You're tying your self worth tosomething kind of fake and a
view of yourself to externaljudgments and online
(14:10):
interactions.
I mean, yeah.
Just to kind of tie it back toAdolescence for a second, the
main character, Jamie, he's 13,he is convinced he's ugly
because of what people say onsocial media.
He even asked the courtappointed psychologist if he
thinks, if she thinks he isugly.
but yeah, I mean, I agree.
I think unfortunately you kindof base the way you think about
(14:35):
yourself on, based on socialmedia because that's where
you're.
Communicating with so manypeople these days.
But I also think that there's apositive to having access to
seeing all different kinds ofpeople.
There's definitely tons ofinfluencers who are positive and
make you love who you are, butthere's two sides of the
(14:56):
spectrum.
Even if no one's specificallytelling you, oh, you're ugly.
It's hard not to compareyourself at any age.
I think that's totally fair.
So I guess the question then is,are people posting for
themselves or are they postingfor others?
Are they posting for theattention or because they wanna
(15:18):
show something off, which Iguess is attention again, what's
driving posts, I think it's kindof a mix of both.
I do think when you postsomething, you post things that
you like and something that youthought looked good that you
want other people to see.
But I think something about itis the whole point of social
media is posting it for otherpeople to see, even if it's
(15:40):
something you picked out,something you like looking at
that you wanna share with otherpeople.
It, it is kind of a mix of whenyou post something you do want
attention from other people for,you wanna know what people's
opinions on it are gonna be.
So even if you genuinely thinkit's something for yourself,
it's something you did that youwant other people to see, you
wanna help other people withsomething, it does always draw
(16:02):
back to what, how other peopleinteract with it and how they
will see it, and if they view itversus just.
Oh, I like this.
Let me save it forever on mysocial media.
To that point, Maggie.
And to what you said, beforeAva, you know, when I was your
age, we had real film cameras,right?
You took a photo, hoped itturned out okay.
(16:24):
Had no idea that was it.
You'd submit it in to getprocess.
And then eventually you'd seesome photos and you hated most
of them.
But there was no editing, nofilters, no face tune.
Now it feels like everything isstaged to look perfect.
So let's talk about filters inediting.
How often do you think peopleare really showing them real
selves versus something filteredwhen it comes to, their photos
(16:45):
or their videos?
I don't think people are evernot showing their real selves,
but also never really showingtheir true selves, even if they
don't use literal filters, it'salways posing and lighting and
maybe slight editing or just aphoto that you think shows off
the best side of yourself.
It becomes like a second nature.
(17:06):
When you don't edit, it can feellike you're putting yourself at
a disadvantage.
Especially like if you are aninfluencer trying to get famous
and trying to get views off ofsomething.
When you know you're comparingyourself to someone who doesn't
their photos, it feels likeyou're not striving as far to be
the best influencer you can be.
It feels like you're not seeingsomeone's real face.
(17:27):
You're seeing the things thatthey wanna highlight about
themselves and what they want toshow off or not show off.
Yeah, I've seen girls re-editthe same pose five times before
they publish it.
You know, zooming in, fix theirskin, change the lighting, slim
their face.
But I think I.
It's kind of normal now.
(17:48):
I had a group project in a classwhere we had to make a video of
ourselves, like everyone in thegroup talking, and it was my job
to edit it, and I got a DM fromone of the girls in my class
asking if I could edit her inthe video when I was editing it
(18:08):
together.
And I was like.
Huh?
I mean, one,'cause it was aclass project, but two, because
you don't need to be edited thisvideo.
Who's the person seeing it?
Our professor, like, I don'tknow.
It just kind of felt weird.
Which means that it seems sonormal.
And I can say, I sadly relate tothis a little.
I have no idea of how to filteror edit or pose even when it
(18:30):
comes to videos or photos.
And we haven't shared videorecordings of these podcasts
since I'm even uncomfortableshowing my imperfectness on
those videos.
We do audio only.
I have no problem walking aroundthe city with no makeup and a
baseball cap.
My hair a mess, whatever.
But it feels different when it'sgonna be shared on social media
forever to strangers, I guess.
(18:51):
Not such a great role model, amI?
No, mommy.
Everyone wants to see a prettyface.
Such a pretty face.
Yeah, I think that nowadays it'skind of hard to tell the
difference between social mediaand reality, especially with so
many.
Influencers when an influenceris different than a celebrity.
Because what you're seeing frominfluencers is their own curated
(19:14):
personality on social mediaversus like a celebrity.
People are following them aroundpaparazzi, like you see them
being normal humans, but youreally don't as much for a lot
of influencers.
And I think that, there are somepeople who don't post a video
without a filter, and you knowwhat if that makes you feel
better, and plus like whatever,that's what the filters are for.
Go ahead.
(19:34):
But one thing I do like aboutTikTok and.
I think it's important to say isthat if you have a filter on on
TikTok, you can see it as theviewer that someone has a filter
on.
So, use a beauty filter.
If you're not feeling your best,go ahead.
But at least the viewers canthen see like, okay, there's a
beauty filter on, so it's okaythat.
(19:55):
I don't look like this when Iroll outta bed.
'cause you don't either.
Well on that.
I think social media has gottento a point where all these
influencers film their videosbefore and they can edit it
before, not directly on TikTok.
Like people who make long videosof a Get Ready With Me a day,
they usually film it on aregular camera or on a regular
camera app.
(20:16):
They can still go back and editit and then edit all the clips
together to post it on TikTok.
So even if it looks like people.
Don't have a filter on.
That's kind of what social mediais trying to hide or what
influencers can hide at thispoint.
That there are ways to bypass itwhen it says you're wearing a
filter, maybe they don't wantpeople to see that, but they can
still fake it.
So to that, whether it says thatthere's a filter there, which I
(20:40):
agree is I think a good thingthat TikTok uses.
But to Maggie's point, there'sprobably still many ways of
editing beyond that or before.
Right.
We still compare ourselves towhat we're seeing in social
media.
And this is especially dangerousfor young people, who don't yet
have a strong confidence whosebodies and skin and, and hair
(21:01):
are all going through lots ofchanges in those years between,
10 and 17 or 18.
Their sense of self is emerging.
So the fine line betweenaesthetic expression, let's call
it, and toxic comparison is.
Pretty, evident.
And so, that's where I think thehard part comes in.
Even as we talk about kids.
How do you teach them that it'snot real?
(21:23):
And how do you keep anyone fromcomparing themselves to
something that may not be real?
I think similar to what Ava saidbefore about how the influencers
like wake up and make a video,and everyone's like, oh, you
look like that when you wake up.
But I think it's become a bigthing to like pretend that you
didn't try and look good whenyou actually did put in a lot of
(21:43):
effort.
Even if it's just posting aphoto on Instagram.
You took the photo 20 times andyou chose the best one.
When you film a TikTok, you filmthe same video five times and
you choose the one that made youlook the best.
I mean, I do it too.
I know everyone does, but Ithink people pretend they didn't
try as hard to do something whenthey did.
So it makes these young girlsthink that everything was so
(22:04):
effortless for them andeverything is so easy for them.
When in reality it wasn't.
And it makes, it feels like theyhave to try so much harder, but
they shouldn't have to try toget to these same standards and
to be the same camera.
Ready.
Look, and I think that's a goodpoint.
People on social media, are theyreally themselves or are they
more of a character?
(22:25):
And Ava give you credit.
You've done a lot of TikTokvideos.
When you've had time.
I know you've been a little sickand that weren't finals time, so
not as much.
But to me, at least, you looklike you.
You have the right lightingbecause that just makes the
video look okay.
But whether you're doing it, getready with me, or you're talking
about products or you're showingoff your dorm room, I think you
(22:46):
look like you.
And so, I don't know how muchmagic or not you have on, but
how have you thought about it?
Do you think of yourself as someTikTok character, Ava Morgan
Klein, or do you think I'mtrying to be as real as I can be
knowing that you're, sharingjoyfully parts of your life?
It's funny you say thatactually, because, not that I
(23:10):
think I portray myself as adifferent person whatsoever on
social media, but.
It's actually funny because inhigh school when I didn't know
my friends and I had likestarted becoming close with all
the girls that I'm friends withnow.
They all knew me as Ava MorganKlein because that was my
(23:31):
username on Instagram and I alsothink that, I have a good
flowing name, so thanks for thatmom.
I mean, you're right, I don'tuse like editing or anything on
my tiktoks.
When I do the magic lighting isjust me putting my phone up on
my mirror and turning it on.
I have like a Get Ready with Mevideo where my hair literally
(23:52):
looks like a bird's nest and Ilook awful, but.
I can't really speak to it somuch because it's not like I'm
such a huge influencer becausethe things I post, the people
who see it are the people whoknow me.
So if I was editing my photoscrazy or using a crazy filter or
something like that, and everyvideo I.
(24:14):
I think people would look atthat and be like, okay, that's
not her.
Like, what are you doing?
And I think that there mighteven be something to that, a
little bit of like not wantingto edit because I don't want
people to be like, oh, she'sfake.
So just, I'd rather, if I lookbad, just be like, okay, yeah, I
don't look my best right now,but like look good sometimes,
like, I don't know.
(24:34):
And you have an account whereyou're sharing real things.
Let's talk about what you needfor college.
Let's talk about what I did overthe weekend.
Kinds of things.
Anyway, it's not a fashionistaglamor shoot.
I mean I do post some contentabout clothing suggestions or
whatever, but even in my day inmy life video that I had done a
little while ago, I know a lotof influencers get outta bed
(24:56):
first and do their hair andwhatever and then come back into
bed.
I literally turned my camera onright when I woke up'cause I
decided I was gonna make thatvideo the day before, still had
my retainer in and everything.
I truly was just getting out ofbed.
We're just proud.
You're wearing your retainerstill so.
All right, so let's switch gearsnow to talk about friendship,
(25:18):
because social media hascompletely changed rules on
friendship, hasn't it?
Yeah, I think it definitelydoes.
Um, you know, I think thatthere's some positives to it.
Definitely.
The example I'll use is like aroommate in college.
Most people find their roommatethrough social media.
I think that's an amazing thing.
(25:39):
You can meet someone fromsomewhere else.
You can talk to people.
There's always a positive to it.
But it's also about.
Seeing if your friend that youwere with tagged you in the post
and like, oh, who's with who?
Oh, that person saw that.
It kind of becomes a neverending loop a little bit.
(26:01):
I think it also becomes not justwhat did happen to you, but also
what didn't.
Who didn't like your post?
Who viewed your story but didn'tlike it?
Who hung out with who and didn'thave you in it?
Who posted a photo, who postedat an event that you are at but
didn't post a photo and you init?
Who is private story?
Are you on who has who on whatstory?
Who can see what part ofthemselves?
(26:23):
It's easier to feel left out andit's easy to feel like you're
not being included or again,just Comparing what you know
about your friends.
If you thought someone was yourclose friend, but you see they
didn't post you, maybe thatchanges how you think about
them.
I mean, this sounds brutal.
If I had to go through middleschool and high school or and
college with all of this, it'sthis whole.
Added pressure to everything.
(26:44):
What group chats are you're on,what are you not, what are these
unspoken rules of friendships ornot?
So how do you protectfriendships in all this?
Or maybe better said, you know,what are the rules of friendship
online.
Isn't making sure you check witheveryone that you're allowed to
post.
Do you make sure that you editeveryone in the post?
Similarly, do you not post untilyou do?
(27:06):
I mean, even with you girls, Iknow I tend to ask permission or
give you examples of the photosI would use or say, which one
would you rather?
Because I don't want you gettingupset if I was, just send
something to the family or postit on Facebook to friends.
I think it's kind of a difficultquestion.
I guess you're right if I'mgonna post a picture with my
friends in it, I'll text themand be like, Hey, can I post
(27:27):
this?
Everyone looks cute.
But I don't know.
I mean, I think the reason it'sa tough question is because all
we've ever really known ishaving friends in a social media
world.
So I can't really imagine.
Not.
(27:47):
Seeing people's posts or notknowing there's kind of a part
of it, of you end up talking topeople even a little less, I
guess this is coming from mebeing in college because it's
oh, I wonder what that persondid today.
Oh, well I saw it on theirprivate story, so I know.
So I'll talk to them later thisweek because I don't have to ask
because I already know what'sgoing on.
So I don't really know whatrules there are.
(28:09):
Maggie brought up, who's notliking you, or if you're at an
event and there's 10 of you, butonly eight wind up in the photo
and not the other two.
What is that saying?
Or people choice, fully choosethese photos.
So have you ever felt like,Maggie, I know you and your
friends tend to, take picturesor videos and do funny things
when you're together.
Are some of your hangouts justtoo much of a photo shoot or too
much of a TikTok trend?
(28:30):
I don't think it's ever too muchof it, but I think there is
always a time when we're outwith people and like someone has
a digital camera, someone justhas their phone where it does
become, oh, let's go takepictures.
Okay, you two go take.
Okay.
The third one will come in.
Okay.
You two go out, the fourth onewill come in.
I think there are times wherebecomes a lot of taking photos,
but I don't think a friendshipis ever just for photo ops or
(28:53):
whatever.
I'm someone who gets like sickof taking photos easily after a
few, I'm done.
But it is hard to sit there andjust watch a bunch of your
friends take photos when youdon't wanna be in them, but then
you feel like you're being leftout.
So are friendships only validwhen they're actually on social
media together?
Because I think there's fun tosocial media, right?
(29:16):
There's the connection, thecreativity, the fun photo
shoots, the fun dances, theeverything.
But at some point it also stopsbeing fun that, you can use
social media for bad, or itinadvertently makes you feel
bad.
So do you guys have example ofkind of when you've been hurt.
(29:36):
Social media?
I mean, yeah, definitely.
I think for me, the times whenI'm like, God, I hate social
media, is when I get fomo.
Like when you see people doingfun things and you're oh, I'm
not there.
I'm not doing that.
Oh, they get to go there.
I don't get to go there.
I'm not with those people.
Those are my friends.
That definitely is not fun tosee.
(29:57):
But one, people do things justfor social media sometimes.
But even just snap maps forexample, having everyone's
location, you could see, oh, allthese people are together and
I'm not there.
And suddenly something youweren't even thinking about two
minutes ago is now reelingaround in my head?
(30:18):
Right, that you see peopletogether and, hey, why wasn't I
invited?
Or you see, a group of people ina photo and say, where would
they all without me?
Right?
So even if things are maybeorganic and not meant to be
hurtful.
You could see how you can maybeget insecure by just watching
other people live their life onsocial media.
(30:40):
That's the part I findheartbreaking.
You go through your day, you'redoing normal things, and then
you open an app and suddenly youfeel like you're not doing
enough or you're not enough.
Right.
And a lot of that's invisible toparents.
If we go back to Adolescence,and especially for 13 year olds,
we don't see it happening.
We don't see what you areseeing.
So even to the, could I monitoryour social media?
(31:02):
Sure I could see your post, butunless I am you, I'm not seeing
everything you're seeing.
And frankly I don't wanna, thatwould be boring to me.
But those are the things where Idon't know how you are
internalizing or how it'simpacting you.
And the thing that also adds tothe pressure that has come to
just deal with it, like ifsomeone's being mean online or
(31:22):
if you feel excluded, you'reexpected to brush it off and not
really care.
'cause it is in the unjustsocial media.
It feels like it shouldn't be abig deal, even when it is
something that really hurtspeople.
And so let's talk about cyberbullying because that was a big
theme in Adolescence.
You know, not necessarily askingyou your personal experiences,
but what have you seen?
I've definitely seen cyberbullying, not to people I know
(31:45):
specifically.
Like you could scroll on TikTokand there are tons of mean
comments on every video for noreason.
And it's just why do people feelthe need to sit there and say
something mean?
I will never understand.
I know it's a big trend in myschool, and I know Ava has said
it's in hers too, to haveInstagram accounts where they
(32:08):
have an open Google form wherepeople can share drama or just
how they feel about otherpeople, and it's all anonymous
and people feel like that's asafe space to say what they want
about people.
I've had things said to friendsthat may have have made them
uncomfortable that are justweird things to say about
people.
And I know that's, it's hard tocontrol when you don't know who
it's coming from.
(32:28):
People can't even say it to yourface directly.
People don't even wanna admitit.
But it's just such like an easyway of cyberbullying to just
start up if someone in yourschool starts an account that it
spread so fast and it affectspeople so deeply, but.
It's just so easy to happen.
And that anonymous posting ofrude things is awful.
(32:49):
So, it's the emotional toll ofthis stuff that can be deep.
Again, what parents can't see,and I think a lot of the parents
assume that if their kid isquiet or seems okay, that.
Everything must be fine.
And to me, actually the mostheartbreaking scene of
Adolescence was the parentssaying that they assumed their
kid was safer at 13 years old,being home in the evenings with
(33:11):
his door shut in his room thanhe'd ever be on the streets.
But in the end, he was gettingbullied online and being made to
feel terrible and it wasn't sosafe.
And I think kids, probably don'tknow how to talk to their
parents about these things, andthey're having to carry that
kind of thought on their own,which is terrible.
(33:32):
So what would you say to someonegoing through that right now?
If someone's dealing withbullying in some way?
Is there someone they shouldtalk to?
Is there something they can do?
Well, I mean, I think it's likeany bullying, talk to someone.
It can be hard, and I think thatmaybe you don't wanna tell a
parent, you don't want socialmedia taken away, whatever.
(33:52):
But I think that no matter what,there's always someone there to
support you.
And even if it feels like you'realone, you're not.
And also you can always mutepeople, block them protect your
piece.
You don't owe anyone anything oryou don't owe anyone access to
yourself online.
Yeah, and I can add that youshould never feel pressured to
send photos of yourself toanyone, of course.
(34:14):
Or to participate in anybullying.
Please.
Gosh, this social media world isscary.
So for the parents listening,what do you recommend we do?
I think parents should justcheck in, not in a, let me see
your phone type of way, but howare you feeling lately?
You can make it general.
You can just ask general things.
It doesn't have to be sospecific, but you can just
create a safe space for yourkids to be honest, even if what
(34:37):
they say is hard to hear andjust so they know that when
something does happen to bewrong, eventually they can go to
you and tell you.
So what advice would you give toyounger kids just starting out
on social media then?
Think start slow.
You don't need to have every appright away.
Only follow people you know,have a private account For
example, we have a youngercousin.
(34:57):
She has a TikTok, but it's aprivate account and it's only
like her friends and us familymembers who follow it.
And it's parent regulated.
I think that that's okay.
I also think you should justremember, you don't have to post
just'cause everyone else issharing something.
What you do can also be private.
It can be quiet.
That's allowed, you don't needto feel like to post, just to
(35:18):
keep up with everyone else.
Yeah.
And for parents, I think talkabout boundaries and talk about
the good and the bad.
Model, healthy habitsyourselves.
Schedule time for the familyaway from screens, and when your
kids take a break supported andmake it clear that you're
following their accounts.
As often as I can, I've,followed your close friends
accounts'cause they post of youtoo.
And I wanna see.
(35:38):
And, get others to do.
Okay, so why don't we end allthis on a positive note.
What's one good thing socialmedia has brought to your life?
I think social media has allowedyou to stay close with friends.
It allows you to be close,closer with people.
I know I even mentioned Snapchatbefore and that can be a
dangerous thing, but.
(36:00):
When I go somewhere with myfriends, I like being able to
see who else is around in thatarea.
Sometimes it does make yourealize that people you know are
also doing the same thing as youand people you may not see all
the time, so you can go up andsee them.
I know I just had a bunch offriends text me for my birthday.
I know it's a bunch of kids fromcamp I haven't talked to in
months, and I was now able toreconnect with and talk to'em.
So I think it does have you stayconnected with people,
(36:23):
especially when they're far awayor you can't see them as often
as your school friends.
I mean, for me, truthfully,social media is my career.
Like that is what my career isbased around.
It's how marketing hastransformed in the world of
social media.
So, I guess the positive thingis that it's given me my
(36:46):
interest.
I think the whole world of it isgoing to change and evolve
forever.
But I mean, that's.
What I'm majoring in.
Yeah, let's keep it aroundforever then, if that's what
you're studying.
So what's one thing you wouldchange about social media?
Truthfully, I would take awayfilters.
Hate to say it, hate to be theperson, but just get rid of
(37:10):
them.
Like the funny filters are okay.
I think those are hilarious,.
I just think make people want tobe their authentic selves more,
rather than having it be sonormalized to not be.
I think it would be nice if itwas also easier to step away
without always feeling likeyou're missing out on things.
And I also say that seeing afriend post on social media is
(37:31):
not the same as speaking to themor seeing them in person.
I mean, I've had high schoolreunions where I'm like, what's
the point?
I know everything about everyonebecause I see it on social
media.
And how terrible is that justbecause you comment or like
someone's post.
That's not a true conversationand that's not a true way to
catch up or be involved withfriends.
I think we're all agreeing that,real life connections will
(37:54):
always be far more meaningful.
But again, there's great partsof social media too.
So final verdict.
Is social media helping kidsconnect or pulling them further
from reality?
I think we said the truth isprobably somewhere in the
middle.
What matters most is that wekeep talking about it honestly,
and maybe with no filters, andmaybe we all just need to remind
(38:16):
ourselves.
Likes aren't love and post isn'tproof of happiness.
And that the best moments inlife probably aren't posted.
Thank you girls for yourhonesty.
I really, really appreciate it.
And I know this wasn't an easytopic, but hopely you agree it's
an important one.
And if you like this episode,you know, follow, share, um,
leave us a review because wedon't need the algorithms
(38:38):
approval, but hey, it helps usfor sure.
And tell us in the comments,what's your biggest challenge or
your favorite thing aboutgrowing up on social media?
See you next time for morehonest and slightly chaotic
conversations with our mom.
Welcome to, I Get it from mymom, where we have the
conversations parents andchildren should be having, but
sometimes avoid.
I'm Alyssa, a mom who rememberslife before selfies, likes and
algorithms.
I'm Ava and I've basically grownup on social media, middle
school, high school, college,every stage, had a platform tied
(00:21):
to it.
I'm Maggie and in high schoolwhere social media plays a big
role in everything we do.
Today we're diving into socialmedia, how it shaped the way
kids grow up, connect, compare,and define themselves.
Inspired by the Netflix show,Adolescence we're asking, is
social media helping us grow orquietly wrecking our confidence?
(00:44):
Let's get into it before someoneposts about us first.
So I obviously grew up wellbefore cell phones and computers
were even accessible, let alonesocial media, but for you it's
(01:07):
been very different.
Okay.
So take me back.
I know you were both givenphones in fifth grade since
that's when school was fartheraway and you were occasionally
commuting without an adult andwith some friends on the bus or
subway.
But when did you each get yourfirst social media account, and
do you remember your first postsor what you used it for?
So my first social media accountwas Instagram.
(01:29):
I remember, I think I got it infifth grade because I remember
being on the way home fromschool with my friend, and we
were talking about how we'reboth allowed to get Instagram
now.
And I do remember that my firstpost was a picture of a bagel
that I ate and I posted it and Ithink I said like Yum or
something.
(01:50):
Do you remember Mags?
I mean, we had iPods evenyounger than that at like seven
when we were allowed to takethem to camp.
And I think at that point I hadmusically, so I don't remember
what my first post was, but Iknow I had that first.
And what was musically likesocial media where you like
music or share music?
It's basically, it was like aTikTok type of thing where you
(02:10):
dance and stuff.
Okay.
But in fifth grade, did you haveInstagram too?
By the time you really had aphone and stuff, do you
remember?
I don't think I got until later.
Okay.
So were your friends all onsocial media at the time?
Ava, I know you mentionedcertainly one friend was, but I
also know others were definitelylater on.
And were any of your friendsfeeling left out since their
(02:31):
parents wouldn't allow it?
So I think I got Instagram andlike Snapchat for the first time
because other people had it, andthat's when I asked you if I
could have it, and that's when Igot it.
But I did have one friendspecifically who wasn't allowed
to have Instagram until eighthgrade.
And I remember it was like areally big deal when she finally
made her account.
(02:52):
Like we screen shared it to herTV and were so happy that she
finally had Instagram.
But yeah, I think that.
It was at the point that if youdidn't have a certain social
media, you kind of felt a littleleft out.
But it definitely wasn't as muchas it is now because at that
point it was like eight yearsago.
(03:13):
Yeah, makes sense.
So we didn't monitor everyminute of yours on social be
media.
Maybe we should have, but weinsisted that you let us follow
your posts, but we obviouslycouldn't say everything you were
looking at or everything youeven shared, because I think you
both quickly created Finstas orfake Insta accounts.
We've never been on Snapchat, soI know you have your whole lives
(03:35):
on that.
and you are far busier on socialmedia than we used to be,
although now I probably am worsethan both of you.
But we each watch Adolescence onNetflix individually a few weeks
ago, which is phenomenally welldone.
For anyone who hasn't seen it, Ido recommend it without giving
too much away.
It highlights some of thedangers of social media,
bullying, feeling left out,having picture shared too
(03:57):
publicly.
Ruining self-confidence.
So girls, when do you think isthe right age for kids to have
access to social media?
And what role do you thinkparents should play in
monitoring?
I feel like at this point, allkids have social media, so it's
hard to limit kids to not haveit while they're still young.
But I think there's a differencebetween like giving your kids a
(04:20):
phone and having social media.
But I think for social mediaspecifically, I think a good age
is like.
12 or 13 ish at this point.
Once they're mature enough toknow how to use it correctly and
once they're mature enough tounderstand the dangers of it,
and I think it's fair forparents to be monitor monitoring
(04:42):
it if you think there'ssomething to be scared of.
But I feel like ours was nevermonitored and we were fine.
Yeah, I definitely agree withMaggie.
I think that, in this day andage, the idea of being able to
keep your kids off of socialmedia is honestly a little bit
naive because even if you thinkyour kids aren't on it, they
probably have some way of beingon it.
(05:03):
And you know, social media issuch a big part of today's
world, and I think that.
The important thing rather thanthe right age, because I think
that that honestly could differfor different kids.
I mean, I agree with Maggie.
I think 12 and 13 would be anideal age, but everyone is
surrounded by different friendswho have it at different times
and might want it earlier orwhatnot.
(05:24):
I think that the important thingis educating kids about it,
like.
What the fact that things onsocial media aren't always true.
The fact that you shouldn't besending these types of pictures
or texting these kinds ofpeople, or, I think it's
important to educate kids onthat very early on because I
think, you know, six year oldsknow what TikTok is, so it's
(05:49):
kind of impossible to thinkyou're gonna keep your kids off
of social media.
So I think that the betterquestion is how.
Can you prepare them for it?
Because social media is notgoing away ever.
All right.
I, I mean, I think that's a goodanswer.
So it may be it's individual byfamily or child.
Don't be naive to think, as aparent that your children, I.
(06:12):
Aren't on it, but mostimportantly, make sure your
children understand theimportance of it, what it means,
how it's in the public forever,that type of thing when you're
doing it.
So for parents, you really needto make sure it's less about
monitoring and more about maybeteaching, because I agree, I
think.
Monitoring super difficult, butthere's been a lot in the news
(06:33):
and a lot of commotion actuallyfollowing Adolescence.
And that was filmed and createdin the uk And frankly, the UK
government was quickly standingup to say, social media
companies such as Meta who owns,Facebook and Insta and Threads
and whatnot, or even thegovernment have a responsibility
to keep.
Kids off of social media that weshould make sure you're 18, for
(06:55):
instance, before you sign up or15 or whatever it is, and that
the company should do more tomake sure they're blocking when
they realize someone might be achild.
How do you guys feel about that?
Where maybe the pressure's offthe kid and the parents and it's
the government or a privatecompany getting involved?
I had to do an assignment forglobal, like a few months back.
(07:16):
Where?
Global history?
Yes.
Global.
Where we had to find a currentevent that was going on
somewhere in another country.
And the one me and my friendfound was how Australia was
trying to make like an ageminimum for social media and it
was supposed to be like 16 andthey were gonna make intricate
ways to try and see what agepeople are and try and make sure
(07:38):
people are really the age theywere thinking of it.
And I know recently I think thathad been passed, but.
I think it is a big part of metaand also governments to make
sure these things are beingregulated.
And while I mean on anything,there's always ways to bypass
the, oh yes, I'm 16, oh yes, I'm13, whatever the age requirement
(08:00):
is.
But I feel, feel like there is aresponsibility to uphold of
trying to keep people safe.
You should wanna uphold on yourwebsite or app to create a safe
space for people to use.
Yeah.
Funnily enough, I also just dida school project on this in a
communications class I'm in.
(08:21):
It was a little bit more aboutgovernment regulation on social
media versus social mediacompanies.
But look, I think I agree withMaggie.
The truth of the matter is.
As much as you try to putsomething in place and as much
as companies like Meta can say,oh, but we don't allow people
under the age of 16 on the app,so it's not our fault.
(08:43):
There's always ways around that.
And I also think that, you know,letting the government have
responsibility over social mediaplatforms kind of goes down a
slippery slope of.
Free speech, if that makessense.
A little bit like what are weallowing the government to
(09:06):
regulate on apps that sh arekind of like a big social
square, if that makes sense,where everyone's kind of just
throwing out ideas all the time.
But that can't always be thebest place for kids.
So I also think it goes back to.
As much as you can wanna rely oncompanies in the government, I
(09:29):
still think kids are gonna beable to get on social media and
it goes back to the parents.
I think those are both excellentpoints.
When the government has come inor meta has been involved,
frankly it's been much moreabout making sure that, there's
not a pedophile issue of anadult talking to a child.
But let's, actually turn ourattention to kind of how we all
(09:51):
use social media.
Because if you go toAdolescence, this wasn't about
an adult stalking a child in anyway.
It was about a bunch of 13 yearolds, right?
And just how they use socialmedia.
And so we'll, let's, let's kindof follow that path, but I
appreciate one that you guyshave thought about it and two
even done kind of schoolworkaround it.
Because I think it's gonna keepgoing, growing and know.
I know, Maggie, your interest inthis often comes from a public
(10:14):
policy standpoint.
And Ava, your interest oftencomes from the social media
communication standpoint.
So it'll be interesting as bothof you dive further into your
interests and then what reallyhappens with social media.
We're gonna have some greatdebates over this over the
years.
So let's talk about the thingsno one wants to admit, right,
how much social media is tied topeople's need for attention.
(10:36):
They care how many likes theyget, how many comments, how many
reposts?
So how do you feel when a postdoes or doesn't get enough
attention?
No one likes when your postdoesn't get enough attention.
I mean, the truth of the matteris you're posting for people to
see and you know, gettingvalidation then from it or not
(10:56):
can kind of impact how you thinkabout what you post.
Personally, I.
Most of the things I post onTikTok are just for likes
because I'm just posting collegecontent or whatnot.
Is it something I'm so.
Interested in, no, not reallyabout what things you should get
for your dorm, but I'm postingit to get likes and attention
(11:19):
and be able to partner withbrands and put that on my
resume.
So I think, yeah, definitelyfollowers and likes, and I don't
think I'm the only one.
I mean, I think everyone caresif you post a photo and it
doesn't get likes.
Suddenly you're like, oh, isthis a bad picture And, and I
think that's fair.
So does your self-worth thenfeel tied to how people respond
to you online by the number oflikes?
Do you know people who are verydriven by this?
(11:42):
I think I've seen people whowill delete posts that don't get
enough attention, and there'sthis pressure that having enough
likes makes you seem morepopular and interesting and fun,
even if you're having acompletely average day.
When you just post something tospecifically make it look like
you're out doing something.
When you're taking a walk withyour mom to the grocery store,
(12:03):
but you post a photo of what thestreet looks like in cars
passing, it makes it look likeyou're doing something more
interesting to get people'sattention.
And when that attention doesn'tget given, it makes you feel
like what you did wasn't goodenough in a situation or it
wasn't the right thing to do andnow it makes you feel like you
did something wrong.
It is very something that likedrives people to want to post or
(12:26):
want to be somewhere or want todo something.
Kind of to just quickly build onMaggie.
I think also.
As you get older, and especiallyat like the age Maggie and I are
at now, this kind of stage oflife, seeing people portray
their lives on social media oneway.
Even, for example, looking atall the people I went to high
(12:46):
school with in college andthat's all I know about their
experience in college.
So it all looks so fun anddandy, but everyone is doing
work and homework and things arehard and no one's at home So
it's very easy to portray a lifeon social media that you're not
actually living Yeah, I hate tosay it, but even I get obsessed
(13:09):
with the numbers of followersand likes.
I'm each always asking each ofyou to post about the podcast
and I'm been watching of course,how our listeners are going, but
I've been trying to build myThreads account and we'll put in
the show notes, my Threadsaccount address, anything that's
public, Ava's TikTok and theInstagram handle for this show.
But it's been slow andfrustrating to.
(13:29):
What I consider to be helpfuland insightful and clever, and
of course, funny comments onparenting and whatnot, similar
to the vibe we have here to kindof, you know, gain traction in
that area.
And I don't always get that muchlove for them, I have love for
them, mom, thanks.
You don't even follow my Threadsactually, you're not on Threads.
(13:49):
I don't, I don't have Threads,but you show me what you're
gonna post every time.
And I think they're funny.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Today my Insta Post reallydidn't get much, but anyway,
apps are meant to keep usershooked, hooked to see
validation, right?
And I think that's what worriesparents most.
You're tying your self worth tosomething kind of fake and a
view of yourself to externaljudgments and online
(14:10):
interactions.
I mean, yeah.
Just to kind of tie it back toAdolescence for a second, the
main character, Jamie, he's 13,he is convinced he's ugly
because of what people say onsocial media.
He even asked the courtappointed psychologist if he
thinks, if she thinks he isugly.
but yeah, I mean, I agree.
I think unfortunately you kindof base the way you think about
(14:35):
yourself on, based on socialmedia because that's where
you're.
Communicating with so manypeople these days.
But I also think that there's apositive to having access to
seeing all different kinds ofpeople.
There's definitely tons ofinfluencers who are positive and
make you love who you are, butthere's two sides of the
(14:56):
spectrum.
Even if no one's specificallytelling you, oh, you're ugly.
It's hard not to compareyourself at any age.
I think that's totally fair.
So I guess the question then is,are people posting for
themselves or are they postingfor others?
Are they posting for theattention or because they wanna
(15:18):
show something off, which Iguess is attention again, what's
driving posts, I think it's kindof a mix of both.
I do think when you postsomething, you post things that
you like and something that youthought looked good that you
want other people to see.
But I think something about itis the whole point of social
media is posting it for otherpeople to see, even if it's
(15:40):
something you picked out,something you like looking at
that you wanna share with otherpeople.
It, it is kind of a mix of whenyou post something you do want
attention from other people for,you wanna know what people's
opinions on it are gonna be.
So even if you genuinely thinkit's something for yourself,
it's something you did that youwant other people to see, you
wanna help other people withsomething, it does always draw
(16:02):
back to what, how other peopleinteract with it and how they
will see it, and if they view itversus just.
Oh, I like this.
Let me save it forever on mysocial media.
To that point, Maggie.
And to what you said, beforeAva, you know, when I was your
age, we had real film cameras,right?
You took a photo, hoped itturned out okay.
(16:24):
Had no idea that was it.
You'd submit it in to getprocess.
And then eventually you'd seesome photos and you hated most
of them.
But there was no editing, nofilters, no face tune.
Now it feels like everything isstaged to look perfect.
So let's talk about filters inediting.
How often do you think peopleare really showing them real
selves versus something filteredwhen it comes to, their photos
(16:45):
or their videos?
I don't think people are evernot showing their real selves,
but also never really showingtheir true selves, even if they
don't use literal filters, it'salways posing and lighting and
maybe slight editing or just aphoto that you think shows off
the best side of yourself.
It becomes like a second nature.
(17:06):
When you don't edit, it can feellike you're putting yourself at
a disadvantage.
Especially like if you are aninfluencer trying to get famous
and trying to get views off ofsomething.
When you know you're comparingyourself to someone who doesn't
their photos, it feels likeyou're not striving as far to be
the best influencer you can be.
It feels like you're not seeingsomeone's real face.
(17:27):
You're seeing the things thatthey wanna highlight about
themselves and what they want toshow off or not show off.
Yeah, I've seen girls re-editthe same pose five times before
they publish it.
You know, zooming in, fix theirskin, change the lighting, slim
their face.
But I think I.
It's kind of normal now.
(17:48):
I had a group project in a classwhere we had to make a video of
ourselves, like everyone in thegroup talking, and it was my job
to edit it, and I got a DM fromone of the girls in my class
asking if I could edit her inthe video when I was editing it
(18:08):
together.
And I was like.
Huh?
I mean, one,'cause it was aclass project, but two, because
you don't need to be edited thisvideo.
Who's the person seeing it?
Our professor, like, I don'tknow.
It just kind of felt weird.
Which means that it seems sonormal.
And I can say, I sadly relate tothis a little.
I have no idea of how to filteror edit or pose even when it
(18:30):
comes to videos or photos.
And we haven't shared videorecordings of these podcasts
since I'm even uncomfortableshowing my imperfectness on
those videos.
We do audio only.
I have no problem walking aroundthe city with no makeup and a
baseball cap.
My hair a mess, whatever.
But it feels different when it'sgonna be shared on social media
forever to strangers, I guess.
(18:51):
Not such a great role model, amI?
No, mommy.
Everyone wants to see a prettyface.
Such a pretty face.
Yeah, I think that nowadays it'skind of hard to tell the
difference between social mediaand reality, especially with so
many.
Influencers when an influenceris different than a celebrity.
Because what you're seeing frominfluencers is their own curated
(19:14):
personality on social mediaversus like a celebrity.
People are following them aroundpaparazzi, like you see them
being normal humans, but youreally don't as much for a lot
of influencers.
And I think that, there are somepeople who don't post a video
without a filter, and you knowwhat if that makes you feel
better, and plus like whatever,that's what the filters are for.
Go ahead.
(19:34):
But one thing I do like aboutTikTok and.
I think it's important to say isthat if you have a filter on on
TikTok, you can see it as theviewer that someone has a filter
on.
So, use a beauty filter.
If you're not feeling your best,go ahead.
But at least the viewers canthen see like, okay, there's a
beauty filter on, so it's okaythat.
(19:55):
I don't look like this when Iroll outta bed.
'cause you don't either.
Well on that.
I think social media has gottento a point where all these
influencers film their videosbefore and they can edit it
before, not directly on TikTok.
Like people who make long videosof a Get Ready With Me a day,
they usually film it on aregular camera or on a regular
camera app.
(20:16):
They can still go back and editit and then edit all the clips
together to post it on TikTok.
So even if it looks like people.
Don't have a filter on.
That's kind of what social mediais trying to hide or what
influencers can hide at thispoint.
That there are ways to bypass itwhen it says you're wearing a
filter, maybe they don't wantpeople to see that, but they can
still fake it.
So to that, whether it says thatthere's a filter there, which I
(20:40):
agree is I think a good thingthat TikTok uses.
But to Maggie's point, there'sprobably still many ways of
editing beyond that or before.
Right.
We still compare ourselves towhat we're seeing in social
media.
And this is especially dangerousfor young people, who don't yet
have a strong confidence whosebodies and skin and, and hair
(21:01):
are all going through lots ofchanges in those years between,
10 and 17 or 18.
Their sense of self is emerging.
So the fine line betweenaesthetic expression, let's call
it, and toxic comparison is.
Pretty, evident.
And so, that's where I think thehard part comes in.
Even as we talk about kids.
How do you teach them that it'snot real?
(21:23):
And how do you keep anyone fromcomparing themselves to
something that may not be real?
I think similar to what Ava saidbefore about how the influencers
like wake up and make a video,and everyone's like, oh, you
look like that when you wake up.
But I think it's become a bigthing to like pretend that you
didn't try and look good whenyou actually did put in a lot of
(21:43):
effort.
Even if it's just posting aphoto on Instagram.
You took the photo 20 times andyou chose the best one.
When you film a TikTok, you filmthe same video five times and
you choose the one that made youlook the best.
I mean, I do it too.
I know everyone does, but Ithink people pretend they didn't
try as hard to do something whenthey did.
So it makes these young girlsthink that everything was so
(22:04):
effortless for them andeverything is so easy for them.
When in reality it wasn't.
And it makes, it feels like theyhave to try so much harder, but
they shouldn't have to try toget to these same standards and
to be the same camera.
Ready.
Look, and I think that's a goodpoint.
People on social media, are theyreally themselves or are they
more of a character?
(22:25):
And Ava give you credit.
You've done a lot of TikTokvideos.
When you've had time.
I know you've been a little sickand that weren't finals time, so
not as much.
But to me, at least, you looklike you.
You have the right lightingbecause that just makes the
video look okay.
But whether you're doing it, getready with me, or you're talking
about products or you're showingoff your dorm room, I think you
(22:46):
look like you.
And so, I don't know how muchmagic or not you have on, but
how have you thought about it?
Do you think of yourself as someTikTok character, Ava Morgan
Klein, or do you think I'mtrying to be as real as I can be
knowing that you're, sharingjoyfully parts of your life?
It's funny you say thatactually, because, not that I
(23:10):
think I portray myself as adifferent person whatsoever on
social media, but.
It's actually funny because inhigh school when I didn't know
my friends and I had likestarted becoming close with all
the girls that I'm friends withnow.
They all knew me as Ava MorganKlein because that was my
(23:31):
username on Instagram and I alsothink that, I have a good
flowing name, so thanks for thatmom.
I mean, you're right, I don'tuse like editing or anything on
my tiktoks.
When I do the magic lighting isjust me putting my phone up on
my mirror and turning it on.
I have like a Get Ready with Mevideo where my hair literally
(23:52):
looks like a bird's nest and Ilook awful, but.
I can't really speak to it somuch because it's not like I'm
such a huge influencer becausethe things I post, the people
who see it are the people whoknow me.
So if I was editing my photoscrazy or using a crazy filter or
something like that, and everyvideo I.
(24:14):
I think people would look atthat and be like, okay, that's
not her.
Like, what are you doing?
And I think that there mighteven be something to that, a
little bit of like not wantingto edit because I don't want
people to be like, oh, she'sfake.
So just, I'd rather, if I lookbad, just be like, okay, yeah, I
don't look my best right now,but like look good sometimes,
like, I don't know.
(24:34):
And you have an account whereyou're sharing real things.
Let's talk about what you needfor college.
Let's talk about what I did overthe weekend.
Kinds of things.
Anyway, it's not a fashionistaglamor shoot.
I mean I do post some contentabout clothing suggestions or
whatever, but even in my day inmy life video that I had done a
little while ago, I know a lotof influencers get outta bed
(24:56):
first and do their hair andwhatever and then come back into
bed.
I literally turned my camera onright when I woke up'cause I
decided I was gonna make thatvideo the day before, still had
my retainer in and everything.
I truly was just getting out ofbed.
We're just proud.
You're wearing your retainerstill so.
All right, so let's switch gearsnow to talk about friendship,
(25:18):
because social media hascompletely changed rules on
friendship, hasn't it?
Yeah, I think it definitelydoes.
Um, you know, I think thatthere's some positives to it.
Definitely.
The example I'll use is like aroommate in college.
Most people find their roommatethrough social media.
I think that's an amazing thing.
(25:39):
You can meet someone fromsomewhere else.
You can talk to people.
There's always a positive to it.
But it's also about.
Seeing if your friend that youwere with tagged you in the post
and like, oh, who's with who?
Oh, that person saw that.
It kind of becomes a neverending loop a little bit.
(26:01):
I think it also becomes not justwhat did happen to you, but also
what didn't.
Who didn't like your post?
Who viewed your story but didn'tlike it?
Who hung out with who and didn'thave you in it?
Who posted a photo, who postedat an event that you are at but
didn't post a photo and you init?
Who is private story?
Are you on who has who on whatstory?
Who can see what part ofthemselves?
(26:23):
It's easier to feel left out andit's easy to feel like you're
not being included or again,just Comparing what you know
about your friends.
If you thought someone was yourclose friend, but you see they
didn't post you, maybe thatchanges how you think about
them.
I mean, this sounds brutal.
If I had to go through middleschool and high school or and
college with all of this, it'sthis whole.
Added pressure to everything.
(26:44):
What group chats are you're on,what are you not, what are these
unspoken rules of friendships ornot?
So how do you protectfriendships in all this?
Or maybe better said, you know,what are the rules of friendship
online.
Isn't making sure you check witheveryone that you're allowed to
post.
Do you make sure that you editeveryone in the post?
Similarly, do you not post untilyou do?
(27:06):
I mean, even with you girls, Iknow I tend to ask permission or
give you examples of the photosI would use or say, which one
would you rather?
Because I don't want you gettingupset if I was, just send
something to the family or postit on Facebook to friends.
I think it's kind of a difficultquestion.
I guess you're right if I'mgonna post a picture with my
friends in it, I'll text themand be like, Hey, can I post
(27:27):
this?
Everyone looks cute.
But I don't know.
I mean, I think the reason it'sa tough question is because all
we've ever really known ishaving friends in a social media
world.
So I can't really imagine.
Not.
(27:47):
Seeing people's posts or notknowing there's kind of a part
of it, of you end up talking topeople even a little less, I
guess this is coming from mebeing in college because it's
oh, I wonder what that persondid today.
Oh, well I saw it on theirprivate story, so I know.
So I'll talk to them later thisweek because I don't have to ask
because I already know what'sgoing on.
So I don't really know whatrules there are.
(28:09):
Maggie brought up, who's notliking you, or if you're at an
event and there's 10 of you, butonly eight wind up in the photo
and not the other two.
What is that saying?
Or people choice, fully choosethese photos.
So have you ever felt like,Maggie, I know you and your
friends tend to, take picturesor videos and do funny things
when you're together.
Are some of your hangouts justtoo much of a photo shoot or too
much of a TikTok trend?
(28:30):
I don't think it's ever too muchof it, but I think there is
always a time when we're outwith people and like someone has
a digital camera, someone justhas their phone where it does
become, oh, let's go takepictures.
Okay, you two go take.
Okay.
The third one will come in.
Okay.
You two go out, the fourth onewill come in.
I think there are times wherebecomes a lot of taking photos,
but I don't think a friendshipis ever just for photo ops or
(28:53):
whatever.
I'm someone who gets like sickof taking photos easily after a
few, I'm done.
But it is hard to sit there andjust watch a bunch of your
friends take photos when youdon't wanna be in them, but then
you feel like you're being leftout.
So are friendships only validwhen they're actually on social
media together?
Because I think there's fun tosocial media, right?
(29:16):
There's the connection, thecreativity, the fun photo
shoots, the fun dances, theeverything.
But at some point it also stopsbeing fun that, you can use
social media for bad, or itinadvertently makes you feel
bad.
So do you guys have example ofkind of when you've been hurt.
(29:36):
Social media?
I mean, yeah, definitely.
I think for me, the times whenI'm like, God, I hate social
media, is when I get fomo.
Like when you see people doingfun things and you're oh, I'm
not there.
I'm not doing that.
Oh, they get to go there.
I don't get to go there.
I'm not with those people.
Those are my friends.
That definitely is not fun tosee.
(29:57):
But one, people do things justfor social media sometimes.
But even just snap maps forexample, having everyone's
location, you could see, oh, allthese people are together and
I'm not there.
And suddenly something youweren't even thinking about two
minutes ago is now reelingaround in my head?
(30:18):
Right, that you see peopletogether and, hey, why wasn't I
invited?
Or you see, a group of people ina photo and say, where would
they all without me?
Right?
So even if things are maybeorganic and not meant to be
hurtful.
You could see how you can maybeget insecure by just watching
other people live their life onsocial media.
(30:40):
That's the part I findheartbreaking.
You go through your day, you'redoing normal things, and then
you open an app and suddenly youfeel like you're not doing
enough or you're not enough.
Right.
And a lot of that's invisible toparents.
If we go back to Adolescence,and especially for 13 year olds,
we don't see it happening.
We don't see what you areseeing.
So even to the, could I monitoryour social media?
(31:02):
Sure I could see your post, butunless I am you, I'm not seeing
everything you're seeing.
And frankly I don't wanna, thatwould be boring to me.
But those are the things where Idon't know how you are
internalizing or how it'simpacting you.
And the thing that also adds tothe pressure that has come to
just deal with it, like ifsomeone's being mean online or
(31:22):
if you feel excluded, you'reexpected to brush it off and not
really care.
'cause it is in the unjustsocial media.
It feels like it shouldn't be abig deal, even when it is
something that really hurtspeople.
And so let's talk about cyberbullying because that was a big
theme in Adolescence.
You know, not necessarily askingyou your personal experiences,
but what have you seen?
I've definitely seen cyberbullying, not to people I know
(31:45):
specifically.
Like you could scroll on TikTokand there are tons of mean
comments on every video for noreason.
And it's just why do people feelthe need to sit there and say
something mean?
I will never understand.
I know it's a big trend in myschool, and I know Ava has said
it's in hers too, to haveInstagram accounts where they
(32:08):
have an open Google form wherepeople can share drama or just
how they feel about otherpeople, and it's all anonymous
and people feel like that's asafe space to say what they want
about people.
I've had things said to friendsthat may have have made them
uncomfortable that are justweird things to say about
people.
And I know that's, it's hard tocontrol when you don't know who
it's coming from.
(32:28):
People can't even say it to yourface directly.
People don't even wanna admitit.
But it's just such like an easyway of cyberbullying to just
start up if someone in yourschool starts an account that it
spread so fast and it affectspeople so deeply, but.
It's just so easy to happen.
And that anonymous posting ofrude things is awful.
(32:49):
So, it's the emotional toll ofthis stuff that can be deep.
Again, what parents can't see,and I think a lot of the parents
assume that if their kid isquiet or seems okay, that.
Everything must be fine.
And to me, actually the mostheartbreaking scene of
Adolescence was the parentssaying that they assumed their
kid was safer at 13 years old,being home in the evenings with
(33:11):
his door shut in his room thanhe'd ever be on the streets.
But in the end, he was gettingbullied online and being made to
feel terrible and it wasn't sosafe.
And I think kids, probably don'tknow how to talk to their
parents about these things, andthey're having to carry that
kind of thought on their own,which is terrible.
(33:32):
So what would you say to someonegoing through that right now?
If someone's dealing withbullying in some way?
Is there someone they shouldtalk to?
Is there something they can do?
Well, I mean, I think it's likeany bullying, talk to someone.
It can be hard, and I think thatmaybe you don't wanna tell a
parent, you don't want socialmedia taken away, whatever.
(33:52):
But I think that no matter what,there's always someone there to
support you.
And even if it feels like you'realone, you're not.
And also you can always mutepeople, block them protect your
piece.
You don't owe anyone anything oryou don't owe anyone access to
yourself online.
Yeah, and I can add that youshould never feel pressured to
send photos of yourself toanyone, of course.
(34:14):
Or to participate in anybullying.
Please.
Gosh, this social media world isscary.
So for the parents listening,what do you recommend we do?
I think parents should justcheck in, not in a, let me see
your phone type of way, but howare you feeling lately?
You can make it general.
You can just ask general things.
It doesn't have to be sospecific, but you can just
create a safe space for yourkids to be honest, even if what
(34:37):
they say is hard to hear andjust so they know that when
something does happen to bewrong, eventually they can go to
you and tell you.
So what advice would you give toyounger kids just starting out
on social media then?
Think start slow.
You don't need to have every appright away.
Only follow people you know,have a private account For
example, we have a youngercousin.
(34:57):
She has a TikTok, but it's aprivate account and it's only
like her friends and us familymembers who follow it.
And it's parent regulated.
I think that that's okay.
I also think you should justremember, you don't have to post
just'cause everyone else issharing something.
What you do can also be private.
It can be quiet.
That's allowed, you don't needto feel like to post, just to
(35:18):
keep up with everyone else.
Yeah.
And for parents, I think talkabout boundaries and talk about
the good and the bad.
Model, healthy habitsyourselves.
Schedule time for the familyaway from screens, and when your
kids take a break supported andmake it clear that you're
following their accounts.
As often as I can, I've,followed your close friends
accounts'cause they post of youtoo.
And I wanna see.
(35:38):
And, get others to do.
Okay, so why don't we end allthis on a positive note.
What's one good thing socialmedia has brought to your life?
I think social media has allowedyou to stay close with friends.
It allows you to be close,closer with people.
I know I even mentioned Snapchatbefore and that can be a
dangerous thing, but.
(36:00):
When I go somewhere with myfriends, I like being able to
see who else is around in thatarea.
Sometimes it does make yourealize that people you know are
also doing the same thing as youand people you may not see all
the time, so you can go up andsee them.
I know I just had a bunch offriends text me for my birthday.
I know it's a bunch of kids fromcamp I haven't talked to in
months, and I was now able toreconnect with and talk to'em.
So I think it does have you stayconnected with people,
(36:23):
especially when they're far awayor you can't see them as often
as your school friends.
I mean, for me, truthfully,social media is my career.
Like that is what my career isbased around.
It's how marketing hastransformed in the world of
social media.
So, I guess the positive thingis that it's given me my
(36:46):
interest.
I think the whole world of it isgoing to change and evolve
forever.
But I mean, that's.
What I'm majoring in.
Yeah, let's keep it aroundforever then, if that's what
you're studying.
So what's one thing you wouldchange about social media?
Truthfully, I would take awayfilters.
Hate to say it, hate to be theperson, but just get rid of
(37:10):
them.
Like the funny filters are okay.
I think those are hilarious,.
I just think make people want tobe their authentic selves more,
rather than having it be sonormalized to not be.
I think it would be nice if itwas also easier to step away
without always feeling likeyou're missing out on things.
And I also say that seeing afriend post on social media is
(37:31):
not the same as speaking to themor seeing them in person.
I mean, I've had high schoolreunions where I'm like, what's
the point?
I know everything about everyonebecause I see it on social
media.
And how terrible is that justbecause you comment or like
someone's post.
That's not a true conversationand that's not a true way to
catch up or be involved withfriends.
I think we're all agreeing that,real life connections will
(37:54):
always be far more meaningful.
But again, there's great partsof social media too.
So final verdict.
Is social media helping kidsconnect or pulling them further
from reality?
I think we said the truth isprobably somewhere in the
middle.
What matters most is that wekeep talking about it honestly,
and maybe with no filters, andmaybe we all just need to remind
(38:16):
ourselves.
Likes aren't love and post isn'tproof of happiness.
And that the best moments inlife probably aren't posted.
Thank you girls for yourhonesty.
I really, really appreciate it.
And I know this wasn't an easytopic, but hopely you agree it's
an important one.
And if you like this episode,you know, follow, share, um,
leave us a review because wedon't need the algorithms
(38:38):
approval, but hey, it helps usfor sure.
And tell us in the comments,what's your biggest challenge or
your favorite thing aboutgrowing up on social media?
See you next time for morehonest and slightly chaotic
conversations with our mom.
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