Episode Transcript
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Speaker (00:03):
Welcome back to, I Get
It from My mom, the podcast
where we talk about the thingsparents and children should be
talking about, but sometimesavoid.
I'm Elissa, your host and themom in the title, and today I'm
flying solo.
No, Ava, no Maggie, just me anda topic that's been on my mind
(00:24):
for, well, probably forever.
The mental load.
If you've ever walked into aroom and forgotten why.
Are woken up at 3:00 AMwondering if you remembered to
sign a permission slip?
Refill a prescription RSVP to abirthday party, and also remind
your child they have a dentistappointment after school.
(00:47):
This one's for you.
Let's get into it.
The mental load isn't just abuzzword.
It's that invisible weight.
We carry the running to-do listin our heads that never, ever
(01:08):
turns off.
And it's not just the tasks,it's the thinking about the
tasks, anticipating them,planning for them, remembering
who likes their sandwiches,cutting triangles, who prefers
blueberries or strawberries, whorefuses to eat pasta that
touches other food.
And what makes it trickier isthat from the outside it's
(01:32):
invisible.
If I make sure the birthday giftis ordered, the camp form is
submitted and the house hasgroceries.
It looks effortless, but it'snot.
It's project management,logistics, memory retention, and
emotional labor rolled into one.
Taking the girls ready forsummer camp as Exhibit A.
(01:55):
I did all the shopping forclothes, toiletries, shoes,
containers, equipment.
I did some with them.
I did some without them.
I did most in stores.
I did a lot online.
I made sure every payment wasmade, every form was filled out,
every appointment was handled inadvance.
(02:17):
I coordinated who they'd bunkwith, made sure they had
stationary stamps andpre-labeled envelopes so they
could write home.
Whether or not they actually didis another story.
I organized their clothes,labeled every last sock and
shampoo bottle, sortedeverything into vacuum sealed
bags with step-by-step counselorunpacking instructions.
(02:40):
I cooked their favorite meals inthe final days at home, gave
extra hugs, gave themreassurances and reminders about
sunscreen and bug spray.
That was the mental load.
Nevermind the physical one.
My husband David, he had twojobs.
One.
Make sure they had batteries andchargers and cords for
(03:03):
flashlights, Clipon fans andwhatever else plugged in.
And two, to pack the trunks witheverything I had sealed up
because he's better at Tetristhan I am.
Teamwork.
Not exactly, but this is theburden we moms carry.
Because if we don't do thesethings, and if we don't think of
these things, who will?
(03:26):
And this is a onetime thing.
It's the same pattern foreverything.
Whether it's prepping forbirthday parties or their bat
mitzvahs, applying to colleges,getting them ready to move into
dorms, getting them ready.
Each school year, months ofmental labor compressed into
seamless execution, all whileworking grocery shopping,
(03:49):
refilling prescriptions, doingthe target runs, and somehow
still remembering which kid hasgym on which day.
Now I expected the mental loadto be heavy when the kids were
babies and toddlers, but Ididn't expect it to stick around
in this new form once they wereteenagers.
(04:10):
Teenagers are technically moreindependent.
They can brush their own teeth.
They pack their own school bags.
Mine even cook their own dinner.
Sometimes they navigate publictransportation or drive
themselves places.
But that doesn't mean as a momI'm off duty.
In fact, the job has justshifted.
I'm no longer just a scheduleror the snack provider.
(04:34):
I'm now the emotional processor,crisis responder, life coach,
and still somehow the defaulthouse manager.
Let's start with this.
The girls talk to me.
I'm the parent they come to foreverything, and yes, I'm
grateful for that.
I cherish that.
(04:54):
I want them to open up to me,but it also means I carry their
emotional load too.
All things school.
Mine.
I know their schedules.
I know their teacher's names.
I know their grading styles.
I know the classes they hate.
I know the ones they'recrushing.
I know when their assignmentsare due.
(05:15):
I know when a quiz went badly,when a friend got a better grade
and it stung when they'restressed about a group project.
I know it all, all thingsfriends.
Also mine, I hear the fulldebriefs.
Who said what?
Who's being annoying?
Who's dating whom?
Who ghosted, whom what so and soposted.
(05:37):
That was probably about them,even if it wasn't tagged.
I'm the sounding board for everysocial twist and turn.
And again, while I wouldn'ttrade that access for anything,
it's a lot of emotional input tocarry.
It's like being the director ofa teen soap opera where no one
gets paid and the scripts changehourly.
(06:00):
And then there's the house.
Can't find the shirt.
They swore was in the laundry.
Annoyed.
We're out of the right coffeecreamer, realizing all their
brass are somehow too small andneed replacing right now.
That's me.
Even though these are fullycapable humans with phones and
Google and credit cards, thedefault thinking is still, mom
(06:23):
will know.
Mom will do it, and the irony isthey get mad when I need a
second reminder.
Mom, you still didn't book me mymanicure.
Did you text Sophia's mom aboutthe thing?
Did you order that specificbrand of shampoo?
I said I wanted once in passingat 9:47 PM while I was half
asleep on the couch.
(06:43):
And the answer's no.
I forgot because I wasremembering 87.
Other things, things I didn'teven wanna be remembering, but
were stuck in my head.
Like spam popups, submit collegedeposit.
Find out when report cards areposted.
Dinner check if the is due for aT appointment.
Remember.
(07:04):
To breathe.
Here's the truth, no one toldme.
The physical load of parentingdoes lighten as the kids grow.
I'm no longer packing diaperbags or chasing after goldfish
crackers in the car.
But the mental and emotionalload, it doesn't lessen.
It grows.
But now you're not justresponsible for keeping them
(07:25):
safe.
You're holding space for theirentire inner world.
And as moms, we feel everything.
They feel their hurt becomes ourheartache, their stress sits on
our shoulders, their pain, theircomfort, their joy, their
confusion.
We absorb it all, even as we'retrying to hold steady for them.
(07:49):
So yes, teens are moreindependent, but being the mom
of a teen is like being theproject manager of a really
moody startup, except no onepays you and the company runs on
ice, coffee, emotionaloutbursts, and clean clothes
running out at the worst times.
Let's talk about being thedefault parent.
(08:12):
Even in homes where both parentsare loving and involved, there's
often one person who's keepingthe entire operation afloat.
And that's usually mom.
I've been the one who knowswhere the backup sneakers are,
when the next dentistappointment is when snacks we're
out of, and which child isallergic to which brand of face
(08:32):
wash.
I don't even want this muchinformation in my brain.
I.
Here we are.
And being the default parentisn't just about tasks.
It's about all the questions.
Where's my hoodie?
Did you sign me up for SATs?
Can I go to Charlotte's HouseFriday?
And my personal favorite, what'sfor dinner?
(08:54):
Now let me be clear.
David is a great husband, dad,and partner.
Truly, we've talked about thisopenly with you as our audience.
He's a hundred percent engagedin our family life.
He wears many hats and wearsthem well.
He's the planner, he's the giftgiver.
He's the electronics expert.
He's the barbecue.
(09:15):
He's the groundskeeper and thecar.
Tetris master.
No one packs a trunk or loads acar better than he does.
David does most of the driving.
Well, really nearly all of it.
He even checks in when we needthings like new tech and
chargers and batteries.
Those things magically appear,and I am grateful.
He sees the effort it takes tokeep this family running, and
(09:38):
more importantly, heacknowledges it.
He often thanks me, especiallyfor the emotional labor for
helping the girls through frienddrama, school, anxiety,
injuries, illnesses, middle ofthe night breakdowns, and just
life.
And I think sometimes he feelsbad that he is not the default
parent he's willing to be.
(10:00):
He wants to be.
The truth.
I don't know if I'd let theresponsibility go, even if I
could.
It's not that I don't trust him,it's just that the emotional
blueprint of our family haslived in my brain for so long
that it's hard to imagine anyoneelse navigating it the way I do.
I know what toothpaste each girllikes.
(10:20):
I know who's been quiet latelyand what that probably means.
I know who's about to start anargument and I know who is due
for their period tomorrow.
So yes, David does a lot morethan a lot and more than most,
and I appreciate every bit ofit.
But the day-to-day defaultingthe mom, where's my, and did you
(10:41):
sign me up for and can you textso and so?
That's me Now I wish I had aperfect solution for this.
I don't.
But here's what I've been tryingfirst writing it down, I.
I used to not be a to-do listperson, but maybe it's old age,
or maybe now my brain is justtoo filled, or maybe I just
(11:03):
don't have the mental capacitythe same anymore.
But I do find making lists to behelpful, not just to dos, but
all the swirling.
Remember this thoughts, get outof your head, get it onto paper,
or in your notes app or in yourvoice memos.
Second, delegate more.
Even if it's messy, yourteenager may not wrap a gift as
(11:26):
neatly or remember to RSVP, butit's better than carrying the
load solo.
I yell things out to David thatneed to be ordered on Amazon.
I have the girls help around thehouse more and pick things up at
the store.
When they're out, I ask forhelp.
Three, I say the mental load outloud.
(11:46):
Sometimes I'll just narrateeverything I'm thinking, okay, I
am texting your dad to buy eggsand I'm calling the dentist and
setting a timer so I don'tforget to pick up your
prescription.
Gosh, I mention dentists a lotin this.
We really all go at most twice ayear when I remember, and we're
lucky.
Just a good example.
Also.
Lastly, letting go of beingperfect because it's not going
(12:10):
to be perfect.
Your kid will survive if you'reout of their preferred flavor of
yogurt.
They'll wear a different pair ofjeans if the one they want that
is still in the hamper.
We can order in, we can eatleftovers, we can forge through
the pantry and call it a DIYdinner night when I don't feel
like cooking.
There is no such thing as aperfect parent.
(12:31):
Just like there's no such thingas a chill parent.
We're all doing our best.
We're all winging it just alittle, and that's okay.
So if you're listening andnodding, just know you're not
alone.
The mental load is real.
And just because no one elsesees it doesn't mean it's not
there.
(12:52):
And if no one has thanked youlately for holding all the
pieces together, I see you.
I get it.
And I also want my daughters toget it.
That is not weakness, to feeloverwhelmed that mental labor is
real work.
That the weight doesn't meanwe're failing, it means we're
trying.
So go easy on yourself.
(13:13):
Maybe share this episode withyour partner or your mom or your
daughter.
Until next time, I'm Elissa.
And even though Ava and Maggiearen't here today, I assure you
they're in my mental checklistright now.
My very long mental checklist.
Thanks for spending a littletime with me today on, I get it
(13:33):
from my mom.