April 8, 2025 • 24 mins
🎙 Episode 5: Friendship Advice for Teens (And Their Parents): How to Deal, Heal, & Know When to Let Go
Friendship can be one of the most joyful—and complicated—parts of growing up. In this episode, Elissa and Maggie (15) dive into the highs, lows, and drama that come with being a friend (and having them) at every age.
They break down:
✅ How we make friends as kids, teens, and adults
✅ What makes a friendship worth keeping—and when it’s time to walk away
✅ Why some friendships fade and others turn toxic
✅ When to talk to your parents about friend drama
✅ The role social media plays in comparison and conflict
✅ Tips for kids (and parents!) on making new friends, especially after big life changes
This mom and daughter keep it honest, insightful, and (as always) a little bit hilarious.
🔹 Takeaways & Challenges:
📌 Kids: Know that not all friendships are forever—and that’s okay.
📌 Parents: You can’t fix everything, but you can be a safe place to land.
📌 Everyone: Good friends make you feel seen, safe, and supported. If it’s more stress than joy… it might be time to let go.
💬 Join the Conversation:
Tag us on Instagram @i.get.it.from.mymom and tell us:
👉 What’s the best (or worst) friendship advice you’ve ever gotten?
📲 Don’t forget to follow, subscribe & share!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to, I Get it from my Momwhere we have the conversations
moms and daughters should behaving, but sometimes avoid.
I'm Elissa, a working mom whoknows that friendships are one
of the biggest parts of growingup and let's be honest,
adulthood too, but they oftencome with a lot of drama.
I'm Maggie, I'm 15 and in highschool and I've learned that
(00:21):
friendships can be amazing butalso really complicated.
We're not experts.
We don't have all the answers,but we do have a lot of
perspective and a little bit ofhumor.
Today we're talking aboutfriendship, the good, the bad,
the drama, and how it changes aswe grow.
Sadly though, one of my bestfriends, my sister Ava, is
(00:43):
unable to join us on thisepisode since she's sick in
college right now with limitedstrength and a limited voice.
Yeah, we're hoping poor Avafeels better very soon, but
we'll do our best to navigateour friendship discussion
without her, with her away thisyear.
We're frankly very used tonavigating life without her.
Yeah, it's fine.
We're fine.
We, we, this we're fine.
Sorry, ave.
(01:04):
So let's get into it.
(01:36):
Before we get into what makes agreat friend, let's talk about
how we even make friends in thefirst place.
Because friendships don't justmagically appear.
We find them in different waysat different stages of life.
Yeah.
Like when you're little, it'sreally just whoever your parents
that a playdates with.
Right?
Like you don't exactly have asay in it.
And even when you're in daycareor preschool, it still just
(01:56):
happens to be who's ever aroundyou bond over things like your
favorite color and who has thesame snacks as you.
Exactly.
But then as you get older,friendships start to be based
more on proximity.
Who's in your class, who playsthe same sport, who lives on
your street or in your apartmentbuilding?
It's a lot of, we see each otherevery day, so you must be
friends.
Yeah.
I feel like in middle school,it's kind of a mix.
(02:18):
You're still friends with peoplebecause you spend a lot of time
together, but you also start tochoose based on personality.
Who makes you laugh, who youtrust more.
And then when you get older inhigh school, it gets trickier
because you're figuring out whoyour real friends are versus who
you just happen to be around allthe time.
And once you become an adult,it, it gets even harder.
(02:38):
You don't have built-in ways tomeet people like school or
activities.
So making friends takes way moreeffort.
It becomes about shared values,common interests, and honestly
who you want to invest time in.
I think as you get older itstarts to get more complicated
to make friends.
Yeah, definitely when you'reeasier, when you're younger.
Um, and that's why thefriendships that do last through
(03:00):
all those FA phases are sospecial.
So let's talk about whatactually makes a friendship
worth keeping.
Let's go back to when we wereyoung.
I think at different stages oflife you look for different
things.
In a friendship, like going backto when we're little, a great
friend is just someone who playsthe same games as you.
I.
But as you get older, it has tofocus more on trust, support and
honesty.
(03:20):
Right?
And I think true friends arethose that actually want what's
best for you.
Like a real friend is some,someone who celebrates or wins
and doesn't get secretlyjealous.
So much of friendship is aboutshowing up for the other person
in a way that's genuine.
And friendships don't have tolook the same for everyone.
Some people need constantcommunication to know that their
(03:43):
friendship's still there andothers are just totally fine
checking in with every so often,and hopefully you're showing up
every now and then.
I think when you're, you'reyounger, you look for friends
who are always there, but as youget older, friendships become
more about who you.
Turn to, or who's there in thebig moments, good or bad.
(04:03):
Like I definitely do not talk tomy friends every day.
Some, not even every month, butI do know without a doubt they'd
be there for me if I neededthem.
Why don't I tell you a storyabout my friendships?
So my friends, my closestfriends are those from college,
and at this point we've beenfriends for.
30 years or so, not to age us.
God, we've been friends a longtime and you know, when we were
(04:24):
younger it was certainly that wewere living together.
We were there for each other allthe time.
We were young in the city andthere for each other all the
time and going out.
But at this point we've beenwith each other, through
relationships, throughmarriages, through children,
through the loss ofgrandparents.
And unfortunately more recentlyparents And some of them I speak
to more often, some less, but itdoesn't change that.
(04:46):
I know that every one of themwill be there for me.
In a way I need of them in thebig moments and with, for some
that might just be, they bringtheir sense of humor.
For some they come over with adrink and others are there with
the biggest hug and all of themplay that role appropriately
when I need them.
I think that's a good point.
I think that's something that'ssimilar throughout, like my
friendships now, while it'sdifferent,'cause I definitely
(05:09):
see these friends every day, butI know there's times whenever
I'm more upset one day or morehappy one day where our friend
is still constantly checking in.
Or if I do happen to be upset,they'll follow me to the
bathroom if I leave during classto make sure I'm okay.
And with like a friend who ismore distant, like a friend at
camp who I don't see so often.
Every time we go back to camp,it's like we never left.
(05:31):
We're all still together.
We still will text each other.
Something happens throughout theyear and we still.
At like when we see each other,it's the same.
It's we're still all close andall there for each other all the
time.
Exactly.
And you know, sometimesfriendships evolve and that's
okay and they change.
But I think the nice part aboutknowing those friends that
you've known a long time is thatthey knew you went and they knew
(05:51):
you now, and it's always justlike picking up where you left
off.
So let's talk though about whenfriendships don't go so well.
So what happens when friendshipsgo wrong?
Because I don't care how old youare, it happens and it hurts.
I.
Yeah.
I think the hardest part aboutfriendships ending is sometimes
you don't even know why it'shappening.
(06:11):
Like one day everything seemsfine, you're happy, you're
talking, and then suddenlythey're ignoring your texts or
acting weird and you just haveno idea what has changed.
And when there's actual drama,like you hear that someone was
talking behind your back orthere's a fight, something small
can become a huge thing orbecome a bigger issue that
really does affect you.
(06:32):
And the tricky thing is whenyou're young, it can feel like
the biggest deal in the world.
Even as an adult, friendship,breakups can hurt more than
actual breakups sometime.
Definitely in high school.
It's hard when you have to seethese people every day, but then
there's also external drama withthem going on that you can't
always openly discuss.
To that point, I once had afriend that was having a hard
(06:54):
time with herself, and with thatshe became outwardly angry
towards me and heavily resentedme.
Well, I don't fully blame herfor the situation.
It was very hard for me to seesomeone I used to be really
close with and would talk to allthe time, getting angry at
everything I say, activelyignoring me, or even talking bad
about me to other people.
I mean, at that point, therewasn't much I could do about the
situation.
(07:15):
I was also going through a hardtime and didn't wanna focus on
someone who wasn't gonna.
It wasn't, you know, gonna be agood person to me, but it was
hard seeing someone switch soeasily, especially after any
time before I had hung out withthem.
It would've been great.
I.
Yeah.
Funny enough, the same thing isplaying out right now in the TV
show, white Lotus, which I Youlove White Lotus.
(07:36):
I do love White.
No, but I know you don't yetwatch it, which is fine.
So without giving any spoilersaway, for the adults who are
listening, you know, there arecurrently three women who have
been friends since they are veryyoung, away on vacation together
in Thailand right now.
But what becomes clear is thatthey each clearly have their own
issues and then these old habitscome back of competition, of old
(07:57):
insecurities playing out intheir adulthood the same way
they would have younger.
So these fights they're havingas their adults, you know, mimic
those that they had younger.
And some things frankly justdon't change and it shows that
it's.
Hard to know when to fight for afriendship, when it's worth
keeping and when to let it go.
It's a skill you really learnwith time, and I don't know how
(08:20):
this season's gonna end, butwe'll see what happens with
these women, whether it's worthstaying involved or not.
Yeah.
I think honestly somefriendships are really
situational.
You think someone is your bestfriend and then once the
situation changes, like you'renot in their class anymore,
school ends.
Yep.
Job has changed.
It's like you're not evenfriends with them anymore.
But other times there is dramaand it's hard to know how to fix
(08:42):
things in those situations.
Yes, friendships definitely comewith ups and downs, but when do
you know it's actually time totalk to your parents about it?
You know?
Because let's be honest, I knowthere are plenty of things you
and Ava don't tell me when itcomes to friendship, drama.
Yeah.
Because sometimes it's justnormal friend drama that I don't
need a parent's perspective on.
Like if a friend annoys me oneday, I don't need a deep
(09:04):
discussion about it.
Or if it's something small, likea disagreement about a group
project or hanging out or justsimple miscommunication, it
usually can resolve itself.
No, that, and of course thatmakes sense.
And I frankly don't wanna beinvolved in here.
All of that.
I don't wanna involve in here.
I've been in high school longago and I don't need to return.
But what about when things feelbigger?
(09:24):
Like when should you reach outfor advice or support?
I think there's times when itdoes start affecting your mood
all the time.
Like if I'm constantly stressedor sad because of a friend, like
the situation I told before, Iwould tell you about,'cause
that's what I want you to beopen about how I'm feeling,
especially if it's affecting meconstantly.
And that's how I know I need totalk to you.
(09:44):
And it really is becoming agreater issue than just casual
drama.
Or even if I start questioningmyself in this situation, like
is it the friend making me feelbad?
Did I do something wrong?
Sometimes I need anotherperspective on it.
And sometimes I just need tohear you say, that's not normal.
You don't deserve that.
You're not in the wrong here.
Hey, Maggie, that's not normal.
You don't deserve that.
(10:05):
You're not in the wrong care.
But no, that's a Thanks.
But that's a great point.
A lot of times when you're in afriendship, it's hard to see
clearly, and when you're in thefriendship drama, it's even
harder to see your way throughit.
Talking about it with someoneoutside of this situation, great
if it's a parent, but maybe asibling or another friend can
just help, you know, make youfeel better, and maybe give you
(10:26):
clarity about it.
I think similar to what I said,another big one is when you feel
stuck, like you physically don'tknow how to respond or what to
do next, that's when gettingadvice helps.
I don't need you to get involvedin the situation.
I.
But I need your help on my sideof things.
Yeah.
You know, but to that point, Iremember with Ava, I think she
was in like fifth grade, therewas a girl who had been her
(10:48):
friend Sly, starting becomingvery unkind to her.
And Ava would come homerepeatedly crying about it.
She was frankly bullying her,making fun of her, talking about
her behind her, back to learningothers against her.
It was awful.
And I remember my initialreaction was of such anger
toward that girl.
I wanted Ava to frankly dish itright back.
Yet she in her infinite,11-year-old wisdom, so much
(11:10):
wisdom.
So wisdom calmly said that sheknew the girl was going some th
going through some things athome and the girl was wrongly,
you know, just choosing Ava totake it out against, yeah, I
think Ava knew that fightingback wasn't the right way to
deal with it.
That said, she never reallyrecovered from it and only felt
better once she moved to thenext school.
And got away from the girls whowere being toxic towards her.
(11:32):
No, it's a good point.
And I guess it was good that shewas then moving on to another
school anyway, but that'sclearly an example of when one
of you just wanted to be able tovent and talk about it.
And frankly, my advice was notgoing to be helpful, even though
we know normally.
Always helpful.
So helpful.
Helpful helpfulness.
Yes.
I mean, well there aredefinitely examples when parents
should get involved and it'sterrible if a child is getting
(11:54):
bullied and keeping that fromtheir parents.
We sadly know too many storiesof when kids wind up hurting
themselves or worse because ofhow they're so called friends.
Treated them.
Yeah.
I had a very dark period insixth grade with friends and
bullying, and while my parentssensed something was wrong.
I never really told them whatwas going on since I couldn't
process it well, but that justmade me withdraw even farther
(12:17):
away from everything.
I would've been better off goingto my parents with the issue.
I think the best advice is ifyou're going through something
with a friend, it's probablybest not to hold it all in if
it's bothering you for more thana few days.
Talk to someone you trust evenif you're scared to do it, and
even if it's not a parent, maybeanother sibling or a friend from
a different part of your life.
You can just talk to and get anoutside perspective on.
(12:38):
You definitely shouldn't have tofigure it out all alone.
That's a great point, mags.
But now let's talk aboutsomething that has completely
changed the landscape offriendships, social media.
Now I didn't grow up with it, soI'm always curious to hear from
you, since it's become sointegrated in your Ava's lives,
especially in your generation,what role it plays in
(12:58):
maintaining or even complicatingyour friendships.
I think when you're using socialmedia, you're constantly seeing
what everyone else is doing,who's hanging out with who, and
when you realize you're notincluded, it can really hurt.
It creates a fear of missing outin real time.
Fomo, definitely you can be homeon a Friday night, totally fine,
and then you almost open Instaor Snap or TikTok or whatever,
(13:21):
and suddenly you feel left outbecause your friends are hanging
out without you.
Ugh.
The thought of that just makesmy stomach hurt.
Hearing that when I was yourage, if someone did invite you
somewhere, you frankly might noteven know it.
Um, unless it was brought up inschool the next day.
Now it's basically broadcast toyour phone.
Yeah, exactly.
It creates this layer ofpressure to always be included
(13:41):
or to postings that make it looklike you're having the best
time, even if you're not.
And then there's this unspokenside of it, like who's in what
group chat, who likes or viewssomeone else's post?
Who doesn't?
It's small to some teens, but itcan literally feel like social
currency.
That's wild.
I mean, I imagine that makesalready fragile friendships even
more complicated.
(14:02):
Do you think it's made thingsharder or are there positives
too?
I think there are positives withit.
It really does help you stayconnected to people who don't go
to your school or friends youdon't see every day.
And it's fun to share lifemoments and laugh at the same
video or a post as someone else.
Group chats really do help makeplans, keep people in the loop,
and it's not all bad, but I dothink social media can really
(14:24):
amplify things, both the goodand the bad side of it.
Yeah, no, absolutely.
And I do still love sharingphotos and posts with you dog
ones or recipe ones.
That's our all the time.
What about conflict though?
Do things ever getmisinterpreted?
'cause I know even you and Ihave a problem where when we're
talking on text, you think oneof us is yelling at the other
and really that there's not,there's just no grammar
(14:45):
involved.
Yeah, that's easily true.
Tone doesn't always come outthrough text and sometimes
people take screenshots and send'em to others, and suddenly a
private conversation becomes notvery so private.
Ugh.
Or you post something andsomeone thinks it's about them,
even when it's not.
Even just liking a video can getmisinterpreted as you're trying
to target someone else, and thenthat creates the drama.
(15:06):
It sounds exhausting.
So how do you manage that, orhow would you tell someone else
to handle it when it gets to betoo much?
Honestly, I think the best thingto do is take a break, even
though it's not always easy.
Deleting the app or just mutingstories or just going on, do not
disturb for a little.
Gives yourself space and you cantalk about things in real life
when you can.
(15:26):
If you're upset with a friend,it's way better to say it to
their face than try to get yourmessage across with some passive
aggressive post or comment.
Yeah, you and I know that too.
One of us is in one room, one ofus is the other, the passive
aggressive text, passiveaggressive, not get aggress
anywhere.
So that's really smart.
I think even adults could takethat advice.
Social media can be fun, but itshouldn't make you feel worse
(15:48):
about your friendships oryourself.
Exactly.
It's a tool, but you have to bein control of it.
You can use it in a good way,but you can also use it in a bad
way and it shouldn't be able touse you.
If you ever feel that socialmedia is making you question
your worth or your friendships,I think that's a sign that you
need to take a step back andtake a break.
Yeah, good point.
You know what else I can imaginecan get tricky.
(16:08):
The comparison part, like whenyour friends are posting about
achievements or vacations oreven just cute outfits, you
know, or all those, you know,holiday halls or shopping halls,
does it ever start to feelcompetitive?
Yeah, there's definitely a weirdunspoken pressure to keep up.
Like, oh, they went to thatparty, or they got those shoes,
or their friend commentedsomething super nice on their
(16:29):
post, but not mine.
It's subtle, but it easilybuilds.
But importantly, it shouldn'tfeel like a competition with
your true friends.
You should be rooting for eachother.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Even as an adult, I think socialmedia can make people feel
behind or left out, and we'resupposed to be past that.
I can't imagine going throughthat in high school.
Definitely.
The more you scroll, the more itmesses with your confidence.
(16:51):
You feel like you need to postsomething amazing just to prove
that your life is as great aseveryone else's.
It's like a highlight reel ofcompetition.
So what do you do when you catchyourself feeling that way then
Mags?
I think I try and remind myselfthat most people only post the
best 5% of their life, even Ido.
And even then it's filtered andcurated.
You have no idea what's going onbehind the scenes.
(17:12):
And if it gets to an extremepoint, sometimes I just need to
take a break or watch somethingsilly or funny.
To me, it's kind of freeing whenyou stop caring so much about
how it looks.
That's such a healthy approach.
I think the bottom line is thatfriendship shouldn't feel like a
performance in real life oronline.
Right.
And it's okay to step back andask why.
I'll be honest, I'm kind ofrelieved to hear you say all
(17:33):
this.
I think a lot of parents worrythat social media is ruining
their kids' friendships, butmaybe the key is helping them to
develop the awareness to use itresponsibly.
I think it's also helpful tohear you agree with that.
Like you said, parents worryabout social media.
And therefore limit their kidson the use of it.
But I think you need to teach akid how to use it, right?
And how to, and that, you know,like know they can talk to you
(17:56):
when something is going on,right?
And if it's like making you feelanxious or left out or insecure
in terms of your friendships,you're allowed to take a break.
I know in later episodes we'lldive deeper into other things
about social media, but I thinkwhen it comes to friends, we're
clearly saying real life is moreimportant than screen life.
Definitely.
(18:16):
Okay, so we spent a lot of timetalking about friendships once
you have it, the good and themessy.
But what about when you'restarting from scratch when you
don't know anyone and you'rewalking into a new school or a
new space and thinking, how do Ieven begin to make a friend?
That definitely happens atmultiple points in people's
lives.
Growing up, we changed toolsafter preschool again, after
elementary, again, after middleschool, and then again for high
(18:37):
school, and now Ava's incollege, and it feels like
you're always starting fromzero.
And I remember how stressfulthat felt for both of you, and
frankly for me as a parent too.
I mean, especially you walk intoa classroom or a new camp or a
new situation, you don't knowanyone.
I think people assume kids justnaturally bounce back, but
making friends really takeseffort and courage.
(18:59):
I think the best thing to do isto not go in thinking that you
need to find an immediatefriend.
Start small, say hi to theperson that sits next to you in
class.
Compliment someone's shoes.
Ask a question about homework.
Just find one moment to connectwith someone on something.
I love that.
So what would you say to someonelistening in who's struggling to
fit in?
I'd say first you reallyshouldn't take it personally if
(19:21):
things don't click right away.
Sometimes it just takes a, ittakes some time to find your
people.
Also try joining something,clubs, sports, anything that
bring people together aroundshared interest, especially when
going into a new school.
That was how, that was how Imade some of my friends, some of
my closest friends, even.
And importantly, be yourself.
The people who actually vibewith you and like who you are
(19:44):
will show up when you knowyou're being your real true
self.
No, for sure.
And that's why I know my friendsare sticking by me'cause they've
dealt with this and this vibe.
We love your real true self for,for 30 years.
Um, and sometimes it's okay togo for, you know, through a
semester or through a few monthsof being a little more alone
than usual.
That doesn't mean you're doingsomething wrong.
It just means you're in atransition and that's temporary.
(20:06):
I, I mean, I know for parentslistening, it's hard to be
patient.
It's hard to watch your childstruggle socially.
But we also gotta be carefulabout pushing too hard if we're
just supportive and keep theconversations open.
That's probably gonna yieldbetter results.
Yes.
I think parents need to remindtheir child that being alone
doesn't mean you're unlikablesometimes it just means you
(20:27):
haven't found your people yet.
Yeah.
I know with Ava when she went tocollege, I think she was worried
that everyone would instantlyfind their friend group.
Right.
But she described that firstweek like an exhausting social
marathon.
Talking about your major,talking about where you're from,
talking about where dorm you'rein.
Everyone's walking around tryingto find their people and quickly
learn.
Then almost no one shows up witha built in best friend and
(20:47):
everyone's just trying to figureit out.
That's very true.
From the outside, it looks likeeveryone instantly found their
group, but half the time thosearen't even the people they stay
friends with.
No, absolutely not.
The first few weeks are justtrial runs.
I mean, frankly, these friends Ibecame much closer with in
sophomore year and even someleader.
Than I ever did, even freshmanyear.
You go to random events, you eatlunch with random people,
(21:08):
slowly, sometimes over months.
You find the friends who stickand sometimes they're good
enough for them.
It's totally normal.
It takes time, and I thinkthat's an important reminder,
especially for moms listeningswho are sending their kids off
to college or off to camp or offto a new school.
The timeline isn't immediate.
It's a process, and if itdoesn't happen right away, it
doesn't mean there's somethingwrong with you.
(21:29):
It just takes time and everyonegoes on their own time.
Absolutely.
And I think it's also importantto note that you don't need to
have a ton of friends.
Maggie, you and I are similar inthat we love to have a few very
close ones.
Definitely doesn't mean we don'tsocialize and see others, but
more important to us is that theones we surround ourselves with
are the best as of friends.
And that's worth far more.
(21:49):
Exactly.
So what can we take away fromall this?
Friendships are complicated andthey change over time, but they
also teach us so much.
Yeah, and honestly, friendshipsare one of the biggest
influences on who we are.
We start to pick up habits,humor, and even perspectives
from the people we spend timewith.
(22:10):
So if your friendship doesn'tfeel like a safe place to you
where you think you can beyourself, I think it's a sign to
rethink them.
Yeah, very smart.
And so for children, I think ouradvice would be that friendships
should feel safe, not stressful.
Right?
And it's okay if friendshipschange over time.
Not all are meant to lastforever.
But you also need to thinkthrough and get advice on when
(22:31):
to talk things out versus whento walk away.
And for parents, you sadly can'tprotect your kids from all
friendship heartaches, but youcan help them through the
process.
Yes.
Your role definitely isn't totry and control their
friendships, but it's to teach'em how to handle these
relationships in a healthy way.
Yeah, and clearly sometimes thebest thing to do as parents is
just to listen without judgment.
(22:52):
Which we've talked about before,it comes up of course all the
time.
Um, and most of all, no matterwhat, friendship should bring
joy and support in your life,not stress or insecurity.
You know, if you feel likeyou're walking on eggshells
around someone, and especiallywith a friend, it is time to let
that friendship go.
So what do the qualities youlook for Most of friends.
I'm definitely someone who needssomeone who's consistent,
(23:13):
whether that's on making plans,opinions on people, or
situations.
Or even just how they approachthe friendship and treat myself
and others.
I can't handle someone who'sconstantly hating this person
and loving them the next day.
Being attached to this personand being attached to someone
else the next day, it's becomeshard for me.
You just feel like you're stuckin the middle of someone and you
never know.
The kind of friendship you'regonna have with them day to day.
(23:36):
I so totally feel the same way.
Drama not into it.
I love that.
Not into it.
Yep.
So final verdict, arefriendships always worth the
drama?
Not always.
Some friendships just take morework than others do.
But if it's a good friendship,you really wanna reserve.
Talking to someone, to a personor through an issue is probably
the better approach.
But if it is becoming a deepersituation than just drama, it's
(23:59):
definitely time to take a stepback.
Absolutely.
Thanks Maggie.
We make a pretty good team.
Yeah.
Who even needs Ava?
Just kidding.
Totally kidding.
And if you enjoyed this episode,make sure to share, follow,
like, and subscribe so you don'tmiss future conversations, and
we love hearing from you.
So leave a comment, share yourthoughts, and let us know what's
(24:19):
the best or worst friendshipadvice you've ever gotten.
See you next time since my girlsalways have more to discuss with
their mom.
Welcome to, I Get it from my Momwhere we have the conversations
moms and daughters should behaving, but sometimes avoid.
I'm Elissa, a working mom whoknows that friendships are one
of the biggest parts of growingup and let's be honest,
adulthood too, but they oftencome with a lot of drama.
I'm Maggie, I'm 15 and in highschool and I've learned that
(00:21):
friendships can be amazing butalso really complicated.
We're not experts.
We don't have all the answers,but we do have a lot of
perspective and a little bit ofhumor.
Today we're talking aboutfriendship, the good, the bad,
the drama, and how it changes aswe grow.
Sadly though, one of my bestfriends, my sister Ava, is
(00:43):
unable to join us on thisepisode since she's sick in
college right now with limitedstrength and a limited voice.
Yeah, we're hoping poor Avafeels better very soon, but
we'll do our best to navigateour friendship discussion
without her, with her away thisyear.
We're frankly very used tonavigating life without her.
Yeah, it's fine.
We're fine.
We, we, this we're fine.
Sorry, ave.
(01:04):
So let's get into it.
(01:36):
Before we get into what makes agreat friend, let's talk about
how we even make friends in thefirst place.
Because friendships don't justmagically appear.
We find them in different waysat different stages of life.
Yeah.
Like when you're little, it'sreally just whoever your parents
that a playdates with.
Right?
Like you don't exactly have asay in it.
And even when you're in daycareor preschool, it still just
(01:56):
happens to be who's ever aroundyou bond over things like your
favorite color and who has thesame snacks as you.
Exactly.
But then as you get older,friendships start to be based
more on proximity.
Who's in your class, who playsthe same sport, who lives on
your street or in your apartmentbuilding?
It's a lot of, we see each otherevery day, so you must be
friends.
Yeah.
I feel like in middle school,it's kind of a mix.
(02:18):
You're still friends with peoplebecause you spend a lot of time
together, but you also start tochoose based on personality.
Who makes you laugh, who youtrust more.
And then when you get older inhigh school, it gets trickier
because you're figuring out whoyour real friends are versus who
you just happen to be around allthe time.
And once you become an adult,it, it gets even harder.
(02:38):
You don't have built-in ways tomeet people like school or
activities.
So making friends takes way moreeffort.
It becomes about shared values,common interests, and honestly
who you want to invest time in.
I think as you get older itstarts to get more complicated
to make friends.
Yeah, definitely when you'reeasier, when you're younger.
Um, and that's why thefriendships that do last through
(03:00):
all those FA phases are sospecial.
So let's talk about whatactually makes a friendship
worth keeping.
Let's go back to when we wereyoung.
I think at different stages oflife you look for different
things.
In a friendship, like going backto when we're little, a great
friend is just someone who playsthe same games as you.
I.
But as you get older, it has tofocus more on trust, support and
honesty.
(03:20):
Right?
And I think true friends arethose that actually want what's
best for you.
Like a real friend is some,someone who celebrates or wins
and doesn't get secretlyjealous.
So much of friendship is aboutshowing up for the other person
in a way that's genuine.
And friendships don't have tolook the same for everyone.
Some people need constantcommunication to know that their
(03:43):
friendship's still there andothers are just totally fine
checking in with every so often,and hopefully you're showing up
every now and then.
I think when you're, you'reyounger, you look for friends
who are always there, but as youget older, friendships become
more about who you.
Turn to, or who's there in thebig moments, good or bad.
(04:03):
Like I definitely do not talk tomy friends every day.
Some, not even every month, butI do know without a doubt they'd
be there for me if I neededthem.
Why don't I tell you a storyabout my friendships?
So my friends, my closestfriends are those from college,
and at this point we've beenfriends for.
30 years or so, not to age us.
God, we've been friends a longtime and you know, when we were
(04:24):
younger it was certainly that wewere living together.
We were there for each other allthe time.
We were young in the city andthere for each other all the
time and going out.
But at this point we've beenwith each other, through
relationships, throughmarriages, through children,
through the loss ofgrandparents.
And unfortunately more recentlyparents And some of them I speak
to more often, some less, but itdoesn't change that.
(04:46):
I know that every one of themwill be there for me.
In a way I need of them in thebig moments and with, for some
that might just be, they bringtheir sense of humor.
For some they come over with adrink and others are there with
the biggest hug and all of themplay that role appropriately
when I need them.
I think that's a good point.
I think that's something that'ssimilar throughout, like my
friendships now, while it'sdifferent,'cause I definitely
(05:09):
see these friends every day, butI know there's times whenever
I'm more upset one day or morehappy one day where our friend
is still constantly checking in.
Or if I do happen to be upset,they'll follow me to the
bathroom if I leave during classto make sure I'm okay.
And with like a friend who ismore distant, like a friend at
camp who I don't see so often.
Every time we go back to camp,it's like we never left.
(05:31):
We're all still together.
We still will text each other.
Something happens throughout theyear and we still.
At like when we see each other,it's the same.
It's we're still all close andall there for each other all the
time.
Exactly.
And you know, sometimesfriendships evolve and that's
okay and they change.
But I think the nice part aboutknowing those friends that
you've known a long time is thatthey knew you went and they knew
(05:51):
you now, and it's always justlike picking up where you left
off.
So let's talk though about whenfriendships don't go so well.
So what happens when friendshipsgo wrong?
Because I don't care how old youare, it happens and it hurts.
I.
Yeah.
I think the hardest part aboutfriendships ending is sometimes
you don't even know why it'shappening.
(06:11):
Like one day everything seemsfine, you're happy, you're
talking, and then suddenlythey're ignoring your texts or
acting weird and you just haveno idea what has changed.
And when there's actual drama,like you hear that someone was
talking behind your back orthere's a fight, something small
can become a huge thing orbecome a bigger issue that
really does affect you.
(06:32):
And the tricky thing is whenyou're young, it can feel like
the biggest deal in the world.
Even as an adult, friendship,breakups can hurt more than
actual breakups sometime.
Definitely in high school.
It's hard when you have to seethese people every day, but then
there's also external drama withthem going on that you can't
always openly discuss.
To that point, I once had afriend that was having a hard
(06:54):
time with herself, and with thatshe became outwardly angry
towards me and heavily resentedme.
Well, I don't fully blame herfor the situation.
It was very hard for me to seesomeone I used to be really
close with and would talk to allthe time, getting angry at
everything I say, activelyignoring me, or even talking bad
about me to other people.
I mean, at that point, therewasn't much I could do about the
situation.
(07:15):
I was also going through a hardtime and didn't wanna focus on
someone who wasn't gonna.
It wasn't, you know, gonna be agood person to me, but it was
hard seeing someone switch soeasily, especially after any
time before I had hung out withthem.
It would've been great.
I.
Yeah.
Funny enough, the same thing isplaying out right now in the TV
show, white Lotus, which I Youlove White Lotus.
(07:36):
I do love White.
No, but I know you don't yetwatch it, which is fine.
So without giving any spoilersaway, for the adults who are
listening, you know, there arecurrently three women who have
been friends since they are veryyoung, away on vacation together
in Thailand right now.
But what becomes clear is thatthey each clearly have their own
issues and then these old habitscome back of competition, of old
(07:57):
insecurities playing out intheir adulthood the same way
they would have younger.
So these fights they're havingas their adults, you know, mimic
those that they had younger.
And some things frankly justdon't change and it shows that
it's.
Hard to know when to fight for afriendship, when it's worth
keeping and when to let it go.
It's a skill you really learnwith time, and I don't know how
(08:20):
this season's gonna end, butwe'll see what happens with
these women, whether it's worthstaying involved or not.
Yeah.
I think honestly somefriendships are really
situational.
You think someone is your bestfriend and then once the
situation changes, like you'renot in their class anymore,
school ends.
Yep.
Job has changed.
It's like you're not evenfriends with them anymore.
But other times there is dramaand it's hard to know how to fix
(08:42):
things in those situations.
Yes, friendships definitely comewith ups and downs, but when do
you know it's actually time totalk to your parents about it?
You know?
Because let's be honest, I knowthere are plenty of things you
and Ava don't tell me when itcomes to friendship, drama.
Yeah.
Because sometimes it's justnormal friend drama that I don't
need a parent's perspective on.
Like if a friend annoys me oneday, I don't need a deep
(09:04):
discussion about it.
Or if it's something small, likea disagreement about a group
project or hanging out or justsimple miscommunication, it
usually can resolve itself.
No, that, and of course thatmakes sense.
And I frankly don't wanna beinvolved in here.
All of that.
I don't wanna involve in here.
I've been in high school longago and I don't need to return.
But what about when things feelbigger?
(09:24):
Like when should you reach outfor advice or support?
I think there's times when itdoes start affecting your mood
all the time.
Like if I'm constantly stressedor sad because of a friend, like
the situation I told before, Iwould tell you about,'cause
that's what I want you to beopen about how I'm feeling,
especially if it's affecting meconstantly.
And that's how I know I need totalk to you.
(09:44):
And it really is becoming agreater issue than just casual
drama.
Or even if I start questioningmyself in this situation, like
is it the friend making me feelbad?
Did I do something wrong?
Sometimes I need anotherperspective on it.
And sometimes I just need tohear you say, that's not normal.
You don't deserve that.
You're not in the wrong here.
Hey, Maggie, that's not normal.
You don't deserve that.
(10:05):
You're not in the wrong care.
But no, that's a Thanks.
But that's a great point.
A lot of times when you're in afriendship, it's hard to see
clearly, and when you're in thefriendship drama, it's even
harder to see your way throughit.
Talking about it with someoneoutside of this situation, great
if it's a parent, but maybe asibling or another friend can
just help, you know, make youfeel better, and maybe give you
(10:26):
clarity about it.
I think similar to what I said,another big one is when you feel
stuck, like you physically don'tknow how to respond or what to
do next, that's when gettingadvice helps.
I don't need you to get involvedin the situation.
I.
But I need your help on my sideof things.
Yeah.
You know, but to that point, Iremember with Ava, I think she
was in like fifth grade, therewas a girl who had been her
(10:48):
friend Sly, starting becomingvery unkind to her.
And Ava would come homerepeatedly crying about it.
She was frankly bullying her,making fun of her, talking about
her behind her, back to learningothers against her.
It was awful.
And I remember my initialreaction was of such anger
toward that girl.
I wanted Ava to frankly dish itright back.
Yet she in her infinite,11-year-old wisdom, so much
(11:10):
wisdom.
So wisdom calmly said that sheknew the girl was going some th
going through some things athome and the girl was wrongly,
you know, just choosing Ava totake it out against, yeah, I
think Ava knew that fightingback wasn't the right way to
deal with it.
That said, she never reallyrecovered from it and only felt
better once she moved to thenext school.
And got away from the girls whowere being toxic towards her.
(11:32):
No, it's a good point.
And I guess it was good that shewas then moving on to another
school anyway, but that'sclearly an example of when one
of you just wanted to be able tovent and talk about it.
And frankly, my advice was notgoing to be helpful, even though
we know normally.
Always helpful.
So helpful.
Helpful helpfulness.
Yes.
I mean, well there aredefinitely examples when parents
should get involved and it'sterrible if a child is getting
(11:54):
bullied and keeping that fromtheir parents.
We sadly know too many storiesof when kids wind up hurting
themselves or worse because ofhow they're so called friends.
Treated them.
Yeah.
I had a very dark period insixth grade with friends and
bullying, and while my parentssensed something was wrong.
I never really told them whatwas going on since I couldn't
process it well, but that justmade me withdraw even farther
(12:17):
away from everything.
I would've been better off goingto my parents with the issue.
I think the best advice is ifyou're going through something
with a friend, it's probablybest not to hold it all in if
it's bothering you for more thana few days.
Talk to someone you trust evenif you're scared to do it, and
even if it's not a parent, maybeanother sibling or a friend from
a different part of your life.
You can just talk to and get anoutside perspective on.
(12:38):
You definitely shouldn't have tofigure it out all alone.
That's a great point, mags.
But now let's talk aboutsomething that has completely
changed the landscape offriendships, social media.
Now I didn't grow up with it, soI'm always curious to hear from
you, since it's become sointegrated in your Ava's lives,
especially in your generation,what role it plays in
(12:58):
maintaining or even complicatingyour friendships.
I think when you're using socialmedia, you're constantly seeing
what everyone else is doing,who's hanging out with who, and
when you realize you're notincluded, it can really hurt.
It creates a fear of missing outin real time.
Fomo, definitely you can be homeon a Friday night, totally fine,
and then you almost open Instaor Snap or TikTok or whatever,
(13:21):
and suddenly you feel left outbecause your friends are hanging
out without you.
Ugh.
The thought of that just makesmy stomach hurt.
Hearing that when I was yourage, if someone did invite you
somewhere, you frankly might noteven know it.
Um, unless it was brought up inschool the next day.
Now it's basically broadcast toyour phone.
Yeah, exactly.
It creates this layer ofpressure to always be included
(13:41):
or to postings that make it looklike you're having the best
time, even if you're not.
And then there's this unspokenside of it, like who's in what
group chat, who likes or viewssomeone else's post?
Who doesn't?
It's small to some teens, but itcan literally feel like social
currency.
That's wild.
I mean, I imagine that makesalready fragile friendships even
more complicated.
(14:02):
Do you think it's made thingsharder or are there positives
too?
I think there are positives withit.
It really does help you stayconnected to people who don't go
to your school or friends youdon't see every day.
And it's fun to share lifemoments and laugh at the same
video or a post as someone else.
Group chats really do help makeplans, keep people in the loop,
and it's not all bad, but I dothink social media can really
(14:24):
amplify things, both the goodand the bad side of it.
Yeah, no, absolutely.
And I do still love sharingphotos and posts with you dog
ones or recipe ones.
That's our all the time.
What about conflict though?
Do things ever getmisinterpreted?
'cause I know even you and Ihave a problem where when we're
talking on text, you think oneof us is yelling at the other
and really that there's not,there's just no grammar
(14:45):
involved.
Yeah, that's easily true.
Tone doesn't always come outthrough text and sometimes
people take screenshots and send'em to others, and suddenly a
private conversation becomes notvery so private.
Ugh.
Or you post something andsomeone thinks it's about them,
even when it's not.
Even just liking a video can getmisinterpreted as you're trying
to target someone else, and thenthat creates the drama.
(15:06):
It sounds exhausting.
So how do you manage that, orhow would you tell someone else
to handle it when it gets to betoo much?
Honestly, I think the best thingto do is take a break, even
though it's not always easy.
Deleting the app or just mutingstories or just going on, do not
disturb for a little.
Gives yourself space and you cantalk about things in real life
when you can.
(15:26):
If you're upset with a friend,it's way better to say it to
their face than try to get yourmessage across with some passive
aggressive post or comment.
Yeah, you and I know that too.
One of us is in one room, one ofus is the other, the passive
aggressive text, passiveaggressive, not get aggress
anywhere.
So that's really smart.
I think even adults could takethat advice.
Social media can be fun, but itshouldn't make you feel worse
(15:48):
about your friendships oryourself.
Exactly.
It's a tool, but you have to bein control of it.
You can use it in a good way,but you can also use it in a bad
way and it shouldn't be able touse you.
If you ever feel that socialmedia is making you question
your worth or your friendships,I think that's a sign that you
need to take a step back andtake a break.
Yeah, good point.
You know what else I can imaginecan get tricky.
(16:08):
The comparison part, like whenyour friends are posting about
achievements or vacations oreven just cute outfits, you
know, or all those, you know,holiday halls or shopping halls,
does it ever start to feelcompetitive?
Yeah, there's definitely a weirdunspoken pressure to keep up.
Like, oh, they went to thatparty, or they got those shoes,
or their friend commentedsomething super nice on their
(16:29):
post, but not mine.
It's subtle, but it easilybuilds.
But importantly, it shouldn'tfeel like a competition with
your true friends.
You should be rooting for eachother.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Even as an adult, I think socialmedia can make people feel
behind or left out, and we'resupposed to be past that.
I can't imagine going throughthat in high school.
Definitely.
The more you scroll, the more itmesses with your confidence.
(16:51):
You feel like you need to postsomething amazing just to prove
that your life is as great aseveryone else's.
It's like a highlight reel ofcompetition.
So what do you do when you catchyourself feeling that way then
Mags?
I think I try and remind myselfthat most people only post the
best 5% of their life, even Ido.
And even then it's filtered andcurated.
You have no idea what's going onbehind the scenes.
(17:12):
And if it gets to an extremepoint, sometimes I just need to
take a break or watch somethingsilly or funny.
To me, it's kind of freeing whenyou stop caring so much about
how it looks.
That's such a healthy approach.
I think the bottom line is thatfriendship shouldn't feel like a
performance in real life oronline.
Right.
And it's okay to step back andask why.
I'll be honest, I'm kind ofrelieved to hear you say all
(17:33):
this.
I think a lot of parents worrythat social media is ruining
their kids' friendships, butmaybe the key is helping them to
develop the awareness to use itresponsibly.
I think it's also helpful tohear you agree with that.
Like you said, parents worryabout social media.
And therefore limit their kidson the use of it.
But I think you need to teach akid how to use it, right?
And how to, and that, you know,like know they can talk to you
(17:56):
when something is going on,right?
And if it's like making you feelanxious or left out or insecure
in terms of your friendships,you're allowed to take a break.
I know in later episodes we'lldive deeper into other things
about social media, but I thinkwhen it comes to friends, we're
clearly saying real life is moreimportant than screen life.
Definitely.
(18:16):
Okay, so we spent a lot of timetalking about friendships once
you have it, the good and themessy.
But what about when you'restarting from scratch when you
don't know anyone and you'rewalking into a new school or a
new space and thinking, how do Ieven begin to make a friend?
That definitely happens atmultiple points in people's
lives.
Growing up, we changed toolsafter preschool again, after
elementary, again, after middleschool, and then again for high
(18:37):
school, and now Ava's incollege, and it feels like
you're always starting fromzero.
And I remember how stressfulthat felt for both of you, and
frankly for me as a parent too.
I mean, especially you walk intoa classroom or a new camp or a
new situation, you don't knowanyone.
I think people assume kids justnaturally bounce back, but
making friends really takeseffort and courage.
(18:59):
I think the best thing to do isto not go in thinking that you
need to find an immediatefriend.
Start small, say hi to theperson that sits next to you in
class.
Compliment someone's shoes.
Ask a question about homework.
Just find one moment to connectwith someone on something.
I love that.
So what would you say to someonelistening in who's struggling to
fit in?
I'd say first you reallyshouldn't take it personally if
(19:21):
things don't click right away.
Sometimes it just takes a, ittakes some time to find your
people.
Also try joining something,clubs, sports, anything that
bring people together aroundshared interest, especially when
going into a new school.
That was how, that was how Imade some of my friends, some of
my closest friends, even.
And importantly, be yourself.
The people who actually vibewith you and like who you are
(19:44):
will show up when you knowyou're being your real true
self.
No, for sure.
And that's why I know my friendsare sticking by me'cause they've
dealt with this and this vibe.
We love your real true self for,for 30 years.
Um, and sometimes it's okay togo for, you know, through a
semester or through a few monthsof being a little more alone
than usual.
That doesn't mean you're doingsomething wrong.
It just means you're in atransition and that's temporary.
(20:06):
I, I mean, I know for parentslistening, it's hard to be
patient.
It's hard to watch your childstruggle socially.
But we also gotta be carefulabout pushing too hard if we're
just supportive and keep theconversations open.
That's probably gonna yieldbetter results.
Yes.
I think parents need to remindtheir child that being alone
doesn't mean you're unlikablesometimes it just means you
(20:27):
haven't found your people yet.
Yeah.
I know with Ava when she went tocollege, I think she was worried
that everyone would instantlyfind their friend group.
Right.
But she described that firstweek like an exhausting social
marathon.
Talking about your major,talking about where you're from,
talking about where dorm you'rein.
Everyone's walking around tryingto find their people and quickly
learn.
Then almost no one shows up witha built in best friend and
(20:47):
everyone's just trying to figureit out.
That's very true.
From the outside, it looks likeeveryone instantly found their
group, but half the time thosearen't even the people they stay
friends with.
No, absolutely not.
The first few weeks are justtrial runs.
I mean, frankly, these friends Ibecame much closer with in
sophomore year and even someleader.
Than I ever did, even freshmanyear.
You go to random events, you eatlunch with random people,
(21:08):
slowly, sometimes over months.
You find the friends who stickand sometimes they're good
enough for them.
It's totally normal.
It takes time, and I thinkthat's an important reminder,
especially for moms listeningswho are sending their kids off
to college or off to camp or offto a new school.
The timeline isn't immediate.
It's a process, and if itdoesn't happen right away, it
doesn't mean there's somethingwrong with you.
(21:29):
It just takes time and everyonegoes on their own time.
Absolutely.
And I think it's also importantto note that you don't need to
have a ton of friends.
Maggie, you and I are similar inthat we love to have a few very
close ones.
Definitely doesn't mean we don'tsocialize and see others, but
more important to us is that theones we surround ourselves with
are the best as of friends.
And that's worth far more.
(21:49):
Exactly.
So what can we take away fromall this?
Friendships are complicated andthey change over time, but they
also teach us so much.
Yeah, and honestly, friendshipsare one of the biggest
influences on who we are.
We start to pick up habits,humor, and even perspectives
from the people we spend timewith.
(22:10):
So if your friendship doesn'tfeel like a safe place to you
where you think you can beyourself, I think it's a sign to
rethink them.
Yeah, very smart.
And so for children, I think ouradvice would be that friendships
should feel safe, not stressful.
Right?
And it's okay if friendshipschange over time.
Not all are meant to lastforever.
But you also need to thinkthrough and get advice on when
(22:31):
to talk things out versus whento walk away.
And for parents, you sadly can'tprotect your kids from all
friendship heartaches, but youcan help them through the
process.
Yes.
Your role definitely isn't totry and control their
friendships, but it's to teach'em how to handle these
relationships in a healthy way.
Yeah, and clearly sometimes thebest thing to do as parents is
just to listen without judgment.
(22:52):
Which we've talked about before,it comes up of course all the
time.
Um, and most of all, no matterwhat, friendship should bring
joy and support in your life,not stress or insecurity.
You know, if you feel likeyou're walking on eggshells
around someone, and especiallywith a friend, it is time to let
that friendship go.
So what do the qualities youlook for Most of friends.
I'm definitely someone who needssomeone who's consistent,
(23:13):
whether that's on making plans,opinions on people, or
situations.
Or even just how they approachthe friendship and treat myself
and others.
I can't handle someone who'sconstantly hating this person
and loving them the next day.
Being attached to this personand being attached to someone
else the next day, it's becomeshard for me.
You just feel like you're stuckin the middle of someone and you
never know.
The kind of friendship you'regonna have with them day to day.
(23:36):
I so totally feel the same way.
Drama not into it.
I love that.
Not into it.
Yep.
So final verdict, arefriendships always worth the
drama?
Not always.
Some friendships just take morework than others do.
But if it's a good friendship,you really wanna reserve.
Talking to someone, to a personor through an issue is probably
the better approach.
But if it is becoming a deepersituation than just drama, it's
(23:59):
definitely time to take a stepback.
Absolutely.
Thanks Maggie.
We make a pretty good team.
Yeah.
Who even needs Ava?
Just kidding.
Totally kidding.
And if you enjoyed this episode,make sure to share, follow,
like, and subscribe so you don'tmiss future conversations, and
we love hearing from you.
So leave a comment, share yourthoughts, and let us know what's
(24:19):
the best or worst friendshipadvice you've ever gotten.
See you next time since my girlsalways have more to discuss with
their mom.
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