July 21, 2025 • 35 mins
From Grief to Action: Honoring Claudia, Preventing Tragedies
When Tim and Melanie lost their 33-year-old daughter, Claudia, to a drunk driver on February 7, 2021, their world was shattered in an instant. Claudia, adopted as a teenager from Guatemala, was a vibrant part of their blended family—full of love, complexity, and growth. In the wake of unimaginable grief, Tim and Melanie chose not to be silent.
Supported by Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), they turned their heartbreak into a mission. Remember for Change leads the charge in prevention through impactful education:
- Drunk buster goggles that simulate impairment
- Teen pledges to drive sober
- QR-coded coasters offering safe ride options
- Recognition for DUI enforcement heroes in local law enforcement
But their most touching initiative is the Annual Memorial Drive—a moving event where the community gathers to speak aloud the names of loved ones lost to impaired driving. It’s a moment of unity, healing, and powerful remembrance.
Contact with Tim and Melanie:
Email: RememberForChange@gmail.com
Website: https://www.rememberforchange.org/
Connect with Jen:
I Need Blue now has a new home at The Healing in Sharing! Visit thehealinginsharing.com to explore Round Chair Conversations, all relevant I Need Blue content, and ways to support the mission of sharing stories that inspire hope and resilience.
By sharing the hidden lines of our stories, we remind each other we are not alone — together, we step out of hiding and into healing.
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Memoir: Why I Survived, by Jennifer Lee on Amazon
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Imagine when you share your darkest hours they
become someone else's light.
I'm Jennifer Lee, a globalcommunity storyteller, host,
author and survivor, guiding youthrough genuine, unfiltered
conversations.
Together, we break the silence,shatter stigma and amplify
(00:33):
voices that need to be heard.
Each episode stands as atestament to survival, healing
and reclaiming your power.
Listen to I Need Blue on ApplePodcasts, spotify, youtube or
your favorite platform.
Learn more at wwwineedbluenet.
(00:59):
Trigger warning I Need Blueshares real-life stories of
trauma, violence and abuse meantto empower and support.
Please take care of yourselfand ask for help if needed.
Now let's begin today's story.
(01:20):
Tim and Melanie's dream wassimple family.
Their journey began with AlexThrough an open adoption in
California, where they wereliving at the time.
They embraced the miracle ofbecoming parents.
After his birth, melanie stayedclose, sleeping beside him in a
(01:49):
spare hospital bed, her heartswelling with a quiet, fierce
love that only a mother knows.
Seven years later, their familygrew again when they traveled
to Guatemala to bring Claudiahome.
She was a teenager then, 15years old, and with her arrival
their lives shifted in beautiful, unpredictable ways.
(02:12):
Claudia grew up, got marriedand had a child.
The family tree was blossoming,each branch, stretching toward
a future they could feel intheir hearts but hadn't yet
fully imagined.
Then everything changed.
On February 7th 2021, tragedystruck.
(02:36):
Claudia, just 33 years old, waskilled by a drunk driver.
In an instant, plans wereshattered, dreams halted, and
the kind of pain no parentsshould ever know became their
new reality.
Months later, they gathered inthe quiet of the night,
(02:56):
surrounded by flickers ofcandlelight.
They honored Claudia's life,and in that sacred space,
another flame was lit.
That flame became Remember forChange, a nonprofit rooted in
heartbreak.
Empowered by hope, tim andMelanie have become fierce
(03:17):
advocates for community safety.
Through this organization,remember for Change works to
reduce underage drinking,impaired and aggressive driving,
and with this important messagethey show up, educate and lead,
not because it's easy, butbecause it matters.
(03:37):
Their mission is clear Peoplecan make a difference.
Clear People can make adifference.
Together, we can make choicesto prevent the preventable.
Tim and Melanie, thank you forbeing my guests today and
welcome to the.
I Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Thank you so much for having us.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
You're so welcome.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Let's go ahead and get startedtalking about families.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
I think we talked early, even before we got
married, that children couldcertainly be a part of our
marriage, of our life together.
When we were ready to startdoing that, we had trouble with
that and the subject of adoptionand foster parenting came up.
We had started out togethernear Chicago.
(04:34):
I had a job in that area andthen I got a job in California
and that's where we began theprocess of training to become
foster parents.
We had I think it was threedifferent foster children, two
of which we are still in touchwith.
One, a female, is married nowand has a family of her own.
(04:56):
Another one of the boys we'velost touch with but the other
boy joined the army, is an Iraqwar veteran and he now in turn
is taking care of some of hisrelative children in a very
admirable way.
But foster parent trainingtaught us a lot about
(05:19):
difficulties that children cango through and the different
feelings and needs we may haveas parents as we go through that
.
So I was glad we did that.
That has been an ongoing helpto anybody young in life.
You know, thinking aboutgetting married or just getting
married.
Even if you don't ever do it,there's something to foster
(05:39):
parent training that I wouldrecommend Now.
That led to some adoptions andwe adopted our son, alex, one
day after he was born.
We were taking care of him andthen six months later, there's a
six-month probationary period.
He became then legally our son.
After that time and that wasthe word I use is intense.
(06:03):
Sometimes it's really great andfunny and happy, and sometimes
it's really hard when you'rewaking up several times in the
night and anybody who's been aparent knows about that, and
I'll turn it over to Melanie topick up the story from there.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
We had when we were dating had talked about even if
we had biological children wehad talked about adoption.
My great-grandmother wasadopted and my grandmother was a
house mom and nurse at theThompson Orphanage orphanage in
(06:42):
Charlotte, north Carolina and mymom, for part of her upbringing
, grew up in an orphanage,though she had her mom there, so
that was part of my DNA isadoption.
So we just weren't aware of thefact that that would be the way
(07:05):
we would grow our family.
When we did the open adoptionin California, we didn't know if
we were going to have a boy ora girl, and we were blessed with
a boy and we are still incontact with his birth parents
(07:31):
with his birth parents.
Then, as the years went by, wewanted a girl and were able to
do that when we moved back toFlorida.
The reason we went withGuatemala I have cousins from
Guatemala.
At the time Guatemala was stillopen it is not anymore, to the
best of my knowledge and thesocial worker who facilitated
that adoption actually ended upbecoming Claudia's godmother At
(07:54):
the time in 2004,.
If you went to the country andvisited first, then the minute
they stepped on United Statessoil they became United States
citizens when we all went downthere to finish the adoption,
including Alex.
When we brought Claudia backwith us, she was immediately a
(08:19):
citizen.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Alex was seven years old, so you have two children in
the household then at thispoint, a teenager and a
seven-year-old yeah, and youhave a girl and a boy, so I know
they're different.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
to raise.
Foster parenting that was verywise and we did not pay
attention to was do not upsetthe birth order when you are
fostering and adopting.
We should have followed thedirections to not do that, but I
rationalized that they weretotally different genders and
(09:02):
age groups and it wasn't goingto be what they warned us about,
but it still was.
So there was that.
So to everybody out there who'sthinking of fostering or
adopting don't upset the birthorder.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
You know?
That's great.
I never would have thoughtabout that.
And can you share one other tipthat you've learned from the
foster care class that you werelike?
Oh my gosh, everybody needs toknow this about best practices
for foster parenting.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
They didn't teach us best practices for handling the
dysfunctional adults that causedthe kid to be in foster system
in the first place.
Have respite care lined up foryourself.
(09:56):
Yeah, you're going to needbreaks.
You're going to discover thatyou are not Superman and that
you are not Superwoman.
You're going to discover thatyou are not Superman and that
you are not Superwoman.
You're going to need breaks.
No one's asked me my adviceabout that before, but that's
what comes to mind.
I don't know what Tim would say.
Tim, you want to?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
add something.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
What sticks in my mind is to not solve every
problem for the child is to askthem what are they going to do
when they find themselves in apickle and they're turning to
you.
Ask them, what are you going todo?
And then usually what resultsis some kind of mixture of
(10:38):
things they do and things you doabout the situation.
But if they can carry the wholeball, you want them to do that,
to develop thoseproblem-solving techniques.
You know somebody who might gointo foster care.
You can get in kind of a rescuemode and you're going to make
everything better and it'sreally important for the child
(10:58):
to develop their skills insolving problems.
The adult part is to keep themreasonably safe.
My foster son.
We were at the Grand Canyon.
We were at the edge of theGrand Canyon and he saw a ledge
below, just like three or fourfeet below.
Well, he jumped onto that ledgeso he was even closer to the
ledge.
That was one of those momentswhere oh, I'm not doing good on
(11:21):
the keeping them safe part, youdo have to look to their
overriding security and it was agood thing I was an athletic
young man at the time to keepthem safe in some situations.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Yeah, are in that situation because they are from
severely dysfunctional homes andhave been modeled severely
dysfunctional ways of handlingconflict.
So the thing that I wouldsuggest and I found very helpful
(12:00):
you role play other ways ofhandling conflict.
Our foster son got suspendedfor one day because a little
girl was being bullied and hestood up for her on the
playground by using his fistsand he kept her safe, and so we
(12:24):
had to practice with him otherways of being protective that
didn't get him in trouble.
We would recommend to fosterparents practice all different
ways of handling differentsituations so that they don't
(12:45):
revert back to what they've seenand they've practiced, but
their knee-jerk reaction is whatyou have practiced with them
and that will help them a lot inlife.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
What you just shared is so valuable, especially when
I look back kind of to mychildhood.
If you did something wrong, youjust got punished, like the
whole way of.
Let's talk about how we coulddo this differently or react
differently.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Practice it, not just talk.
They don't relate to talk.
They relate to doing.
These are kids, they have to doit.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Yes, and part of the reason we wanted to do this
episode today because there area few, but one of them was to
honor Claudia and her memory.
How about you, Tim?
You got any fun memories?
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Claudia had a culinary arts class up at the
Vero Beach campus of IndianRiver State College for a
semester and she needed a ridetwo times a week to that class
and it was about 45 minutes.
So that was a time when we gotto talk there I guess about 32
(13:55):
times about all kinds ofdifferent subjects and I
remember us expanding ourunderstanding of each other and
me getting to be a daughter'sfather on a lot of subjects, and
so that was a special time forme and I hope for her too.
(14:17):
I think it was.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Now we have progressed and Claudia is now
married and had a child of herown.
What was that like beinggrandparents?
Speaker 2 (14:31):
We were not grandparents at the beginning.
It was really really bad at thebeginning.
She lived with us for three anda half years, she and her
husband.
For three and a half years sheand her husband.
There was a family member onher husband's side of the family
who was mentally ill and movedin with them and would not move
(14:55):
out, and she would not letClaudia talk to us, even though
Claudia and her husband livedwith us.
They were yards away from us.
She would go walk the dog andI'd be taking my walk and she
would get afraid that someonewould see her talking to me.
(15:15):
It was a horrific time and then,when the baby was born, we were
not allowed to see the baby andthen they moved her.
I didn't even get to saygoodbye to her.
They moved her and they movedher on the street.
That is the street that's knownfor having the most fatal
accidents.
That's what happened, and itwasn't until the baby was three.
(15:39):
We had met the small child nowa couple of times with
supervised visits, as if we werethe dysfunctional people.
Talk about a role reversal.
After Claudia was killed andthe husband had therapy, he
realized about the dysfunctionin the family member, and that
(16:01):
family member is no longerpresent and we got a call out of
the blue asking if we wanted tosee the grandchild for her
third birthday, and it's been aroad to healing ever since.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
So, yeah, it was a gut-wrenching time on many
levels, so that I understand youlost her, but you never got to
experience her family with you,like your daughter, the child
and the husband and you guys alltogether.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Not in a normal fashion, no, not in what we'd
call a customary fashion.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Customary is a nice way of putting it.
It was very dysfunctional.
I specifically asked because mymom is 92 now if we could have
a photo of the four generations,and we were denied that and
then Claudia was killed.
So that will never happen.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I think sometimes people forget how precious life
is and you know we take it forgranted.
And then something like yousaid when I talked with you you
think it won't happen to youuntil it does.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
And because she was married, we were no longer
considered next of kin.
We were not allowed to be toldanything because we were not
considered next of kin anymore.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
How did you find out about Claudia?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Well, I got a phone call from my son-in-law and here
we are in the midst of COVID.
Okay, it's Superbowl Sunday andhe's calling from me, from the
hospital, and asking me to cometo the hospital.
Claudia has been in a crash andI was in a real dilemma.
(17:48):
I have a great immune system.
I can get through pretty mucheverything, but Melanie has an
overactive immune system that'sso overactive it has to be
suppressed.
Well, if you suppress yourimmune system, you know you got
to be careful exposing yourself.
Well, you know, if I go to thehospital and pick up a set of
(18:09):
bugs from the hospital,including COVID, and come home
with that, that could be bigtrouble for Melanie.
And so here's this dilemma ofwell, I want to go be with my
daughter and son-in-law in herlast moments, if that's what's
going on.
And here's my wife, who I haveto consider.
Oh my gosh, we're in thispandemic emergency and I have to
(18:33):
be careful about, you know ofall places, going to a hospital
that's treating COVID patientsand I'm like it was terrible.
I had to say I can't come.
That was bad.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
And he wouldn't let me go, and part of the husband's
resentment towards us inaddition to being whispered lies
about us by this family memberwas that we didn't come and I
had to tell him why we couldn'tcome.
It was a long road back towardshealing, but things are going
(19:08):
very well now with him.
We have unsupervised visitswith our granddaughter, grandma
and opah.
We had grandma and grandpa, butwhen she first started she
couldn't differentiate betweenthe two, so we had to make the
words different.
So it's really good now.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Tragically the way that happened, tim, with you
having to make a really harddecision that probably other
people with COVID, they haddying spouses and everything and
, like you, they had to make areally tough emotional decision.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
I'm hard-pressed to think of a more difficult moment
in my life in having to makethat choice.
My son-in-law was feelingsomewhat responsible for what
had happened.
I said you're fine, you're fine, you know that there's nothing
between him and I about some youknow inadequacy there.
(19:59):
It was out of both of our handsand so, yeah, today I see our
granddaughter and I see mydaughter a bit and that's,
that's a real treat and she's areal, she's a real fun character
.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
We call her a happy tornado.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Yeah, I want to give a lot of credit to my son-in-law
and his new spouse.
They're doing a wonderful jobas parents and they've been
wonderful toward us in usgetting to have some time with
our granddaughter.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I want to say one thing that when we were being
alienated from Claudia, and thenlater being alienated from her
husband and our granddaughter,people would try to comfort us
by saying different things thatreally just made it hurt worse.
(20:54):
We had gotten to the point itwas so bad we assumed we would
never get to meet ourgranddaughter until she happened
to show up at age 18 and knockat our door.
We weren't at peace with that,of course, but in order to make
(21:15):
it through each day, we had toaccept that that was going to be
the reality.
When my sister-in-law's husbanddied, he was Jewish and the
community came in and cried withher, sat with her.
(21:38):
That was so cathartic.
That was so healing.
I learned something If peoplewant to comfort people who are
going through trauma, just sitwith them.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Melanie, share with us where you found support and
advocacy.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
I happen to think of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
I called them and that's whenthere was incremental progress
in feeling like someone was inour corner, there was a victim
advocate.
We found out what our rightswere rights were.
We found out that you can getfree grief counseling from your
(22:19):
local hospice, even if yourloved one was not in hospice,
and I did not know that.
Mothers Against Drunk Drivingsuggested a candlelight vigil
and it was from the candlelightvigil that one of our first
board members suggested that wehad momentum and we had buy-in
(22:45):
from the community and there wasenergy to continue and that we
should keep going.
So I wanted to give creditwhere credit is due, to Mothers
Against Drunk Driving for havingsuggested it.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
I have one last question before we get into
Remember for Change.
If you could each say one thingto her today, what would it be
If?
Speaker 3 (23:15):
you could each say one thing to her today.
What would it be?
Oh, my feeling is, if I were toget on the other side of death
and it worked out this way, I'dkind of say hi, God, and I'd be
running for her.
There's a story of Claudia frommy mother.
My mother went to pick upClaudia at the airport.
We sent her to go visit hergrandma on something of an
(23:35):
adventure.
And my mother said she was atthe place.
You know, if you're not apassenger, you have to kind of
wait outside the terminal.
And she said she saw thislittle person run out of the
gate area and run all the way upto where she was waiting, and
it was Claudia.
And there's this big hug.
(23:56):
So there's, there's no words,there's, there's just this, this
action of coming together.
So after I have that, then youknow well, whatever I have to
face up to with God, that'llhappen.
After that, I would kiss her ontop of her head.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, claudia was four, nine.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Thank you for sharing that.
Now let's get into, because Iknow this is so important.
Is talking about Remember forChange, how it evolved, what
people can do to support you inyour mission.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
A starting point for me in Remember for Change is
something I wanted to affect inthe court proceeding where the
young offender was found guiltyin sentence, and we get to be a
part of that.
That.
I had to address him in thecourt was to go through
(24:57):
Claudia's life and say her fullname over and over again Claudia
Jane Trewin, then her last name.
The young offender had a lot ofpeople from his family there,
so I got them all nodding andacknowledging the name over and
over again and finally I got toask the defense attorney can I
(25:20):
ask your client a question?
And he said yes.
I said will you say mydaughter's name?
And he did, and I give himcredit for that.
The state of Florida sentencedhim to a little more than four
years in prison.
Wow, for killing somebody.
He did not intend to do that.
(25:42):
Of course, if he had been a bitolder he'd have gotten
something more like 15 years,and that was a bit of an
adjustment for me that well,he's going to be out in four,
four and a half years and he'sout now.
But what I did in that is Imade sure that everybody in that
(26:02):
room was going to rememberClaudia's name, because I said
it about two dozen times, withinterjections of things from her
life and her connections toother people, and then asked him
and made sure he knew her name.
So he may be out of jail, but Ithink he remembers her name.
Now that's his life sentence isthat he remembers her name.
(26:24):
So he may be out of jail, but Ithink he remembers her name.
Now that's his life sentence.
Is that he remembers her name.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
You kept saying her name over and over and over
again.
That is so powerful.
Speaker 3 (26:35):
Melanie and I are part of the Episcopal Church.
Part of the memorial servicethat they set aside as an item
in the order of service is thenaming of the dead, to say the
name.
And that's where I got the ideaand I said I'm going to take
that into court.
His father said to me yes, weknow your daughter's name now
(26:58):
from that.
So we picked that up again onthe Memorial Drive.
In other locations sometimeswe'll have a naming of the dead.
That is a very simple but seemsto be profound thing for people
to do.
So part of me for Remember, forChange, is we invite people to
(27:19):
come and say the names of peoplewho have died.
We do the Indian River MemorialDrive on February 7th or that
week and we go up into RiverDrive and we drive very slowly.
We create a parade and then wepull into the old Fort Park and
part of it is inviting peoplewho come to say the names of
(27:42):
people who have died in thesetypes of tragedies.
And it's a very touching momentand of course the change is to
reduce the tragedy of people'slives here in St Lucie.
You know the statistics lookbetter for St Lucie County than
(28:06):
they used to.
Well, that's very satisfying tohear that there's a little less
, and that's what it's about forme.
And now I'll give Melanie achance.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
We have expanded from St Lucie County to the Treasure
Coast, from St Lucie County tothe Treasure Coast.
So we say working to reduceunderage, drinking, impaired and
aggressive driving on theTreasure Coast, because that
also includes Martin County,Indian River County.
We've been in conversation withpeople that are even farther
(28:39):
south through Florida Departmentof Transportation, spreading
the message through them.
The Remember part of our nameis we have a memorial page that
has just been created on ourwebsite.
There's going to be a link to aform in which they can put the
(29:00):
name of their person that theywant to remember.
They can include pictures, theycan include a little biography.
The page is public, it isread-only so nobody can comment
the change part of it.
We do different eventsthroughout the community and I
(29:22):
am a certified, vetted,fingerprinted teacher and I'm
happy to come and speak to youthgroups, young adult places,
churches, schools, wherever, andwe have drunk buster goggles
that we do with our young peopleand the adults where it
(29:45):
simulates being up to and over.
We have different levels ofgoggles of impairment and we
have preschool puzzles that theyhave to try to put the
preschool puzzle together, orfor the teenagers, we make them
walk the line and we have thepledge that Mothers Against
(30:07):
Drunk Driving two different lawenforcements, Drug Free St Lucie
, have helped us put together.
People can sign the pledge thatthey will not get in the car
with someone who is impaired,nor when they are old enough to
drink, If they choose to do so.
They will not drink and drive.
We have messaging wristbandsthat then they get as our thank
(30:31):
you for participating in theDrunk Buster Goggles or deciding
the pledge.
We have coasters that have beendonated to us, and the coasters
have a QR code on it that if apatron needs a safe ride home,
they can scan the QR code.
In Fort Pierce, they havefreebie where this electric
(30:53):
vehicle will take them home forfree.
In Vero Beach, there is agentleman who does it for free.
He's a recovered alcoholic andhe wants everyone to get home
safely.
The other thing that we reallyneed is we need volunteers.
When we are doing these booze,we need help, especially young
people, because young peoplerelate to young people better.
(31:15):
So that's some of what we do.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
There's another thing .
There's what we call the brainposter.
We do.
There's another thing.
There's what we call the brainposter and these are, as we say
and anybody who's seen thisthey'll recognize my words real
scans of real brains, differentpeople putting different bad
stuff in their bodies.
And up at the top of the brainposter we've got two images of a
(31:39):
healthy brain.
And then they see these brainsthat really give merit to the
statement hole in the head.
They're areas of lower brainactivity created by different
substances.
Picture's worth a thousandwords and they might recognize
my charge to them keep yourbrain healthy.
(31:59):
So they get the brain poster.
Another thing I'll chip in hereon Remember for Change is we
have a neighbor across thestreet who was a DUI officer,
among other things in lawenforcement, and he was an
exceptional one.
Well, he creates plaques, thesewonderful plaques that we give
to law enforcement officers thathave been selected by their
(32:20):
administrations as doing anexceptional job, any officer who
goes above and beyond inconfronting people about driving
under the influence.
That's an important thing we do.
I hope every listener will stopto think.
Who comes to these scenes ofcrashes over and over and over
(32:41):
again and sees these tragediesand has to do the process of
gathering evidence, but thenrestoring that site to normal
life goes on.
This affects them and they arevery interested in having fewer
crashes because they, as theysay, they need to put all that
in a box and leave it at work sothey can go home and have a
(33:04):
life after all the stuff thatthey see.
So we always take thisopportunity to thank our law
enforcement for being responsiveto these situations, and I have
a sense of partnership withthem.
I've really learned more abouttheir humanity in all of this
(33:25):
and that's been a goodexperience.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
I would like to ask you what does the journey of
forgiveness look like for eachof you?
Speaker 3 (33:34):
It's to repeat the thought that this young man did
not intend for that to happen.
He didn't intend for that.
It would be harder to forgiveif he did.
So that helps.
That's the thought.
I think that's something that'sincomplete.
I think at different points inlife you revisit something in a
(33:55):
new way because you have changed, and so forgiveness happens at
these different points in lifewhere that comes up, and so I
wouldn't say I'm done with that.
I don't know how I would be Forsome folks.
I understand.
You know death's the end.
I didn't know anything before Iwas born.
After I'm dead, I'm not goingto know anything.
(34:16):
The Stoics epitaph I was not, Iwas, I am not, I don't care.
I was not, I was, I am not, Idon't care, I'm not that way.
I think there's been enoughexperiences and I have
personally heard a person talkabout their experience, which
lends to the possibility thatsome of us is still around
afterward and I think if theforgiveness process gets
(34:39):
completed, it gets completed onthe other side and I suppose the
materialist would say, well,yeah, it's done, you're done
feeling bad about it.
So don't be too hard onyourself if you feel like, well,
I really haven't forgivensomebody.
I don't know that you can.
I don't know, I don't know.
Therefore, a lot is possible.
(35:00):
I don't know everything, Idon't know.
(35:22):
Therefore, a lot is possible.
I don't know everything.
People believe they can dosomething and they'll be
persistent, and what we try toencourage them to do is to say
you know, sometimes it's a goodidea to stop persisting and take
the goggles off, stop theactivity, make a change of
course.
There's people today drivingimpaired because they believe
they can, because they've doneit over and over again, and all
I would say to them is you know,you're slower, because that's
what our little test shows youYou're slower and someday you
might have to be very quick,like that young man needed to be
really quick that day and stayin his lane and he couldn't do
(35:46):
it because those substances hadslowed him down.
When you're slowed down, takethe goggles off, stop drinking,
stay with people around you, geta ride.
Please, slow down.
You're going to need the extratime.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Regarding forgiveness , having worked at the detention
center for youth, in a way Ihave found it easier to forgive
the young man Now.
When I had to face him in thatcourtroom, I was very astonished
(36:22):
at myself.
I became livid, I had to stepout because I had never faced
him and fortunately the victim'sadvocate was there from mad.
My biggest difficulty has beenforgiving the parents.
The kid was a teenager.
(36:44):
His brain wasn't fully grown.
The parents knew better andthey needed to get him help.
Like I had told both of our ownchildren, if you ever become
addicted to any substance, knowthat you will be in a substance
(37:06):
treatment center so fast that itwill make your head spin, and
it won't be local where you getto see your friends who are
reinforcing these bad addiction.
It will be in another state.
Claudia became an orphanbecause both of her parents were
(37:28):
alcoholics and abandoned her atage seven and she was picked up
by the police and, mercifully,were taken to an orphanage and
so I knew she had the alcoholismgene and I let her know, and
our son as well.
(37:49):
So parents admit that you can'tfix it yourself.
As much as you want to, as muchas you want to keep it private
want to as much as you want tokeep it private.
Go get your child help beforeyour child ends up in jail
having killed someone or theyend up dead themselves.
(38:10):
Please.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
Thank you so much for sharing I mean you all shared
so much valuable informationtoday.
Thank you for what you do forour community as well.
Tim and Melanie, thank you forbeing my guest today on the I
Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Thank you.
You're very welcome and thankyou for listening today.
This is Jen Lee with the I NeedBlue podcast.
To learn anything andeverything about I Need Blue,
check out my website,wwwinadebluenet, and remember
you are stronger than you think.
Until next time you.
Imagine when you share your darkest hours they
become someone else's light.
I'm Jennifer Lee, a globalcommunity storyteller, host,
author and survivor, guiding youthrough genuine, unfiltered
conversations.
Together, we break the silence,shatter stigma and amplify
(00:33):
voices that need to be heard.
Each episode stands as atestament to survival, healing
and reclaiming your power.
Listen to I Need Blue on ApplePodcasts, spotify, youtube or
your favorite platform.
Learn more at wwwineedbluenet.
(00:59):
Trigger warning I Need Blueshares real-life stories of
trauma, violence and abuse meantto empower and support.
Please take care of yourselfand ask for help if needed.
Now let's begin today's story.
(01:20):
Tim and Melanie's dream wassimple family.
Their journey began with AlexThrough an open adoption in
California, where they wereliving at the time.
They embraced the miracle ofbecoming parents.
After his birth, melanie stayedclose, sleeping beside him in a
(01:49):
spare hospital bed, her heartswelling with a quiet, fierce
love that only a mother knows.
Seven years later, their familygrew again when they traveled
to Guatemala to bring Claudiahome.
She was a teenager then, 15years old, and with her arrival
their lives shifted in beautiful, unpredictable ways.
(02:12):
Claudia grew up, got marriedand had a child.
The family tree was blossoming,each branch, stretching toward
a future they could feel intheir hearts but hadn't yet
fully imagined.
Then everything changed.
On February 7th 2021, tragedystruck.
(02:36):
Claudia, just 33 years old, waskilled by a drunk driver.
In an instant, plans wereshattered, dreams halted, and
the kind of pain no parentsshould ever know became their
new reality.
Months later, they gathered inthe quiet of the night,
(02:56):
surrounded by flickers ofcandlelight.
They honored Claudia's life,and in that sacred space,
another flame was lit.
That flame became Remember forChange, a nonprofit rooted in
heartbreak.
Empowered by hope, tim andMelanie have become fierce
(03:17):
advocates for community safety.
Through this organization,remember for Change works to
reduce underage drinking,impaired and aggressive driving,
and with this important messagethey show up, educate and lead,
not because it's easy, butbecause it matters.
(03:37):
Their mission is clear Peoplecan make a difference.
Clear People can make adifference.
Together, we can make choicesto prevent the preventable.
Tim and Melanie, thank you forbeing my guests today and
welcome to the.
I Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Thank you so much for having us.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
You're so welcome.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Let's go ahead and get startedtalking about families.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
I think we talked early, even before we got
married, that children couldcertainly be a part of our
marriage, of our life together.
When we were ready to startdoing that, we had trouble with
that and the subject of adoptionand foster parenting came up.
We had started out togethernear Chicago.
(04:34):
I had a job in that area andthen I got a job in California
and that's where we began theprocess of training to become
foster parents.
We had I think it was threedifferent foster children, two
of which we are still in touchwith.
One, a female, is married nowand has a family of her own.
(04:56):
Another one of the boys we'velost touch with but the other
boy joined the army, is an Iraqwar veteran and he now in turn
is taking care of some of hisrelative children in a very
admirable way.
But foster parent trainingtaught us a lot about
(05:19):
difficulties that children cango through and the different
feelings and needs we may haveas parents as we go through that
.
So I was glad we did that.
That has been an ongoing helpto anybody young in life.
You know, thinking aboutgetting married or just getting
married.
Even if you don't ever do it,there's something to foster
(05:39):
parent training that I wouldrecommend Now.
That led to some adoptions andwe adopted our son, alex, one
day after he was born.
We were taking care of him andthen six months later, there's a
six-month probationary period.
He became then legally our son.
After that time and that wasthe word I use is intense.
(06:03):
Sometimes it's really great andfunny and happy, and sometimes
it's really hard when you'rewaking up several times in the
night and anybody who's been aparent knows about that, and
I'll turn it over to Melanie topick up the story from there.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
We had when we were dating had talked about even if
we had biological children wehad talked about adoption.
My great-grandmother wasadopted and my grandmother was a
house mom and nurse at theThompson Orphanage orphanage in
(06:42):
Charlotte, north Carolina and mymom, for part of her upbringing
, grew up in an orphanage,though she had her mom there, so
that was part of my DNA isadoption.
So we just weren't aware of thefact that that would be the way
(07:05):
we would grow our family.
When we did the open adoptionin California, we didn't know if
we were going to have a boy ora girl, and we were blessed with
a boy and we are still incontact with his birth parents
(07:31):
with his birth parents.
Then, as the years went by, wewanted a girl and were able to
do that when we moved back toFlorida.
The reason we went withGuatemala I have cousins from
Guatemala.
At the time Guatemala was stillopen it is not anymore, to the
best of my knowledge and thesocial worker who facilitated
that adoption actually ended upbecoming Claudia's godmother At
(07:54):
the time in 2004,.
If you went to the country andvisited first, then the minute
they stepped on United Statessoil they became United States
citizens when we all went downthere to finish the adoption,
including Alex.
When we brought Claudia backwith us, she was immediately a
(08:19):
citizen.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Alex was seven years old, so you have two children in
the household then at thispoint, a teenager and a
seven-year-old yeah, and youhave a girl and a boy, so I know
they're different.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
to raise.
Foster parenting that was verywise and we did not pay
attention to was do not upsetthe birth order when you are
fostering and adopting.
We should have followed thedirections to not do that, but I
rationalized that they weretotally different genders and
(09:02):
age groups and it wasn't goingto be what they warned us about,
but it still was.
So there was that.
So to everybody out there who'sthinking of fostering or
adopting don't upset the birthorder.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
You know?
That's great.
I never would have thoughtabout that.
And can you share one other tipthat you've learned from the
foster care class that you werelike?
Oh my gosh, everybody needs toknow this about best practices
for foster parenting.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
They didn't teach us best practices for handling the
dysfunctional adults that causedthe kid to be in foster system
in the first place.
Have respite care lined up foryourself.
(09:56):
Yeah, you're going to needbreaks.
You're going to discover thatyou are not Superman and that
you are not Superwoman.
You're going to discover thatyou are not Superman and that
you are not Superwoman.
You're going to need breaks.
No one's asked me my adviceabout that before, but that's
what comes to mind.
I don't know what Tim would say.
Tim, you want to?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
add something.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
What sticks in my mind is to not solve every
problem for the child is to askthem what are they going to do
when they find themselves in apickle and they're turning to
you.
Ask them, what are you going todo?
And then usually what resultsis some kind of mixture of
(10:38):
things they do and things you doabout the situation.
But if they can carry the wholeball, you want them to do that,
to develop thoseproblem-solving techniques.
You know somebody who might gointo foster care.
You can get in kind of a rescuemode and you're going to make
everything better and it'sreally important for the child
(10:58):
to develop their skills insolving problems.
The adult part is to keep themreasonably safe.
My foster son.
We were at the Grand Canyon.
We were at the edge of theGrand Canyon and he saw a ledge
below, just like three or fourfeet below.
Well, he jumped onto that ledgeso he was even closer to the
ledge.
That was one of those momentswhere oh, I'm not doing good on
(11:21):
the keeping them safe part, youdo have to look to their
overriding security and it was agood thing I was an athletic
young man at the time to keepthem safe in some situations.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Yeah, are in that situation because they are from
severely dysfunctional homes andhave been modeled severely
dysfunctional ways of handlingconflict.
So the thing that I wouldsuggest and I found very helpful
(12:00):
you role play other ways ofhandling conflict.
Our foster son got suspendedfor one day because a little
girl was being bullied and hestood up for her on the
playground by using his fistsand he kept her safe, and so we
(12:24):
had to practice with him otherways of being protective that
didn't get him in trouble.
We would recommend to fosterparents practice all different
ways of handling differentsituations so that they don't
(12:45):
revert back to what they've seenand they've practiced, but
their knee-jerk reaction is whatyou have practiced with them
and that will help them a lot inlife.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
What you just shared is so valuable, especially when
I look back kind of to mychildhood.
If you did something wrong, youjust got punished, like the
whole way of.
Let's talk about how we coulddo this differently or react
differently.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Practice it, not just talk.
They don't relate to talk.
They relate to doing.
These are kids, they have to doit.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Yes, and part of the reason we wanted to do this
episode today because there area few, but one of them was to
honor Claudia and her memory.
How about you, Tim?
You got any fun memories?
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Claudia had a culinary arts class up at the
Vero Beach campus of IndianRiver State College for a
semester and she needed a ridetwo times a week to that class
and it was about 45 minutes.
So that was a time when we gotto talk there I guess about 32
(13:55):
times about all kinds ofdifferent subjects and I
remember us expanding ourunderstanding of each other and
me getting to be a daughter'sfather on a lot of subjects, and
so that was a special time forme and I hope for her too.
(14:17):
I think it was.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Now we have progressed and Claudia is now
married and had a child of herown.
What was that like beinggrandparents?
Speaker 2 (14:31):
We were not grandparents at the beginning.
It was really really bad at thebeginning.
She lived with us for three anda half years, she and her
husband.
For three and a half years sheand her husband.
There was a family member onher husband's side of the family
who was mentally ill and movedin with them and would not move
(14:55):
out, and she would not letClaudia talk to us, even though
Claudia and her husband livedwith us.
They were yards away from us.
She would go walk the dog andI'd be taking my walk and she
would get afraid that someonewould see her talking to me.
(15:15):
It was a horrific time and then,when the baby was born, we were
not allowed to see the baby andthen they moved her.
I didn't even get to saygoodbye to her.
They moved her and they movedher on the street.
That is the street that's knownfor having the most fatal
accidents.
That's what happened, and itwasn't until the baby was three.
(15:39):
We had met the small child nowa couple of times with
supervised visits, as if we werethe dysfunctional people.
Talk about a role reversal.
After Claudia was killed andthe husband had therapy, he
realized about the dysfunctionin the family member, and that
(16:01):
family member is no longerpresent and we got a call out of
the blue asking if we wanted tosee the grandchild for her
third birthday, and it's been aroad to healing ever since.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
So, yeah, it was a gut-wrenching time on many
levels, so that I understand youlost her, but you never got to
experience her family with you,like your daughter, the child
and the husband and you guys alltogether.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Not in a normal fashion, no, not in what we'd
call a customary fashion.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Customary is a nice way of putting it.
It was very dysfunctional.
I specifically asked because mymom is 92 now if we could have
a photo of the four generations,and we were denied that and
then Claudia was killed.
So that will never happen.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I think sometimes people forget how precious life
is and you know we take it forgranted.
And then something like yousaid when I talked with you you
think it won't happen to youuntil it does.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
And because she was married, we were no longer
considered next of kin.
We were not allowed to be toldanything because we were not
considered next of kin anymore.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
How did you find out about Claudia?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Well, I got a phone call from my son-in-law and here
we are in the midst of COVID.
Okay, it's Superbowl Sunday andhe's calling from me, from the
hospital, and asking me to cometo the hospital.
Claudia has been in a crash andI was in a real dilemma.
(17:48):
I have a great immune system.
I can get through pretty mucheverything, but Melanie has an
overactive immune system that'sso overactive it has to be
suppressed.
Well, if you suppress yourimmune system, you know you got
to be careful exposing yourself.
Well, you know, if I go to thehospital and pick up a set of
(18:09):
bugs from the hospital,including COVID, and come home
with that, that could be bigtrouble for Melanie.
And so here's this dilemma ofwell, I want to go be with my
daughter and son-in-law in herlast moments, if that's what's
going on.
And here's my wife, who I haveto consider.
Oh my gosh, we're in thispandemic emergency and I have to
(18:33):
be careful about, you know ofall places, going to a hospital
that's treating COVID patientsand I'm like it was terrible.
I had to say I can't come.
That was bad.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
And he wouldn't let me go, and part of the husband's
resentment towards us inaddition to being whispered lies
about us by this family memberwas that we didn't come and I
had to tell him why we couldn'tcome.
It was a long road back towardshealing, but things are going
(19:08):
very well now with him.
We have unsupervised visitswith our granddaughter, grandma
and opah.
We had grandma and grandpa, butwhen she first started she
couldn't differentiate betweenthe two, so we had to make the
words different.
So it's really good now.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Tragically the way that happened, tim, with you
having to make a really harddecision that probably other
people with COVID, they haddying spouses and everything and
, like you, they had to make areally tough emotional decision.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
I'm hard-pressed to think of a more difficult moment
in my life in having to makethat choice.
My son-in-law was feelingsomewhat responsible for what
had happened.
I said you're fine, you're fine, you know that there's nothing
between him and I about some youknow inadequacy there.
(19:59):
It was out of both of our handsand so, yeah, today I see our
granddaughter and I see mydaughter a bit and that's,
that's a real treat and she's areal, she's a real fun character
.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
We call her a happy tornado.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Yeah, I want to give a lot of credit to my son-in-law
and his new spouse.
They're doing a wonderful jobas parents and they've been
wonderful toward us in usgetting to have some time with
our granddaughter.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I want to say one thing that when we were being
alienated from Claudia, and thenlater being alienated from her
husband and our granddaughter,people would try to comfort us
by saying different things thatreally just made it hurt worse.
(20:54):
We had gotten to the point itwas so bad we assumed we would
never get to meet ourgranddaughter until she happened
to show up at age 18 and knockat our door.
We weren't at peace with that,of course, but in order to make
(21:15):
it through each day, we had toaccept that that was going to be
the reality.
When my sister-in-law's husbanddied, he was Jewish and the
community came in and cried withher, sat with her.
(21:38):
That was so cathartic.
That was so healing.
I learned something If peoplewant to comfort people who are
going through trauma, just sitwith them.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Melanie, share with us where you found support and
advocacy.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
I happen to think of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
I called them and that's whenthere was incremental progress
in feeling like someone was inour corner, there was a victim
advocate.
We found out what our rightswere rights were.
We found out that you can getfree grief counseling from your
(22:19):
local hospice, even if yourloved one was not in hospice,
and I did not know that.
Mothers Against Drunk Drivingsuggested a candlelight vigil
and it was from the candlelightvigil that one of our first
board members suggested that wehad momentum and we had buy-in
(22:45):
from the community and there wasenergy to continue and that we
should keep going.
So I wanted to give creditwhere credit is due, to Mothers
Against Drunk Driving for havingsuggested it.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
I have one last question before we get into
Remember for Change.
If you could each say one thingto her today, what would it be
If?
Speaker 3 (23:15):
you could each say one thing to her today.
What would it be?
Oh, my feeling is, if I were toget on the other side of death
and it worked out this way, I'dkind of say hi, God, and I'd be
running for her.
There's a story of Claudia frommy mother.
My mother went to pick upClaudia at the airport.
We sent her to go visit hergrandma on something of an
(23:35):
adventure.
And my mother said she was atthe place.
You know, if you're not apassenger, you have to kind of
wait outside the terminal.
And she said she saw thislittle person run out of the
gate area and run all the way upto where she was waiting, and
it was Claudia.
And there's this big hug.
(23:56):
So there's, there's no words,there's, there's just this, this
action of coming together.
So after I have that, then youknow well, whatever I have to
face up to with God, that'llhappen.
After that, I would kiss her ontop of her head.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, claudia was four, nine.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Thank you for sharing that.
Now let's get into, because Iknow this is so important.
Is talking about Remember forChange, how it evolved, what
people can do to support you inyour mission.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
A starting point for me in Remember for Change is
something I wanted to affect inthe court proceeding where the
young offender was found guiltyin sentence, and we get to be a
part of that.
That.
I had to address him in thecourt was to go through
(24:57):
Claudia's life and say her fullname over and over again Claudia
Jane Trewin, then her last name.
The young offender had a lot ofpeople from his family there,
so I got them all nodding andacknowledging the name over and
over again and finally I got toask the defense attorney can I
(25:20):
ask your client a question?
And he said yes.
I said will you say mydaughter's name?
And he did, and I give himcredit for that.
The state of Florida sentencedhim to a little more than four
years in prison.
Wow, for killing somebody.
He did not intend to do that.
(25:42):
Of course, if he had been a bitolder he'd have gotten
something more like 15 years,and that was a bit of an
adjustment for me that well,he's going to be out in four,
four and a half years and he'sout now.
But what I did in that is Imade sure that everybody in that
(26:02):
room was going to rememberClaudia's name, because I said
it about two dozen times, withinterjections of things from her
life and her connections toother people, and then asked him
and made sure he knew her name.
So he may be out of jail, but Ithink he remembers her name.
Now that's his life sentence isthat he remembers her name.
(26:24):
So he may be out of jail, but Ithink he remembers her name.
Now that's his life sentence.
Is that he remembers her name.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
You kept saying her name over and over and over
again.
That is so powerful.
Speaker 3 (26:35):
Melanie and I are part of the Episcopal Church.
Part of the memorial servicethat they set aside as an item
in the order of service is thenaming of the dead, to say the
name.
And that's where I got the ideaand I said I'm going to take
that into court.
His father said to me yes, weknow your daughter's name now
(26:58):
from that.
So we picked that up again onthe Memorial Drive.
In other locations sometimeswe'll have a naming of the dead.
That is a very simple but seemsto be profound thing for people
to do.
So part of me for Remember, forChange, is we invite people to
(27:19):
come and say the names of peoplewho have died.
We do the Indian River MemorialDrive on February 7th or that
week and we go up into RiverDrive and we drive very slowly.
We create a parade and then wepull into the old Fort Park and
part of it is inviting peoplewho come to say the names of
(27:42):
people who have died in thesetypes of tragedies.
And it's a very touching momentand of course the change is to
reduce the tragedy of people'slives here in St Lucie.
You know the statistics lookbetter for St Lucie County than
(28:06):
they used to.
Well, that's very satisfying tohear that there's a little less
, and that's what it's about forme.
And now I'll give Melanie achance.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
We have expanded from St Lucie County to the Treasure
Coast, from St Lucie County tothe Treasure Coast.
So we say working to reduceunderage, drinking, impaired and
aggressive driving on theTreasure Coast, because that
also includes Martin County,Indian River County.
We've been in conversation withpeople that are even farther
(28:39):
south through Florida Departmentof Transportation, spreading
the message through them.
The Remember part of our nameis we have a memorial page that
has just been created on ourwebsite.
There's going to be a link to aform in which they can put the
(29:00):
name of their person that theywant to remember.
They can include pictures, theycan include a little biography.
The page is public, it isread-only so nobody can comment
the change part of it.
We do different eventsthroughout the community and I
(29:22):
am a certified, vetted,fingerprinted teacher and I'm
happy to come and speak to youthgroups, young adult places,
churches, schools, wherever, andwe have drunk buster goggles
that we do with our young peopleand the adults where it
(29:45):
simulates being up to and over.
We have different levels ofgoggles of impairment and we
have preschool puzzles that theyhave to try to put the
preschool puzzle together, orfor the teenagers, we make them
walk the line and we have thepledge that Mothers Against
(30:07):
Drunk Driving two different lawenforcements, Drug Free St Lucie
, have helped us put together.
People can sign the pledge thatthey will not get in the car
with someone who is impaired,nor when they are old enough to
drink, If they choose to do so.
They will not drink and drive.
We have messaging wristbandsthat then they get as our thank
(30:31):
you for participating in theDrunk Buster Goggles or deciding
the pledge.
We have coasters that have beendonated to us, and the coasters
have a QR code on it that if apatron needs a safe ride home,
they can scan the QR code.
In Fort Pierce, they havefreebie where this electric
(30:53):
vehicle will take them home forfree.
In Vero Beach, there is agentleman who does it for free.
He's a recovered alcoholic andhe wants everyone to get home
safely.
The other thing that we reallyneed is we need volunteers.
When we are doing these booze,we need help, especially young
people, because young peoplerelate to young people better.
(31:15):
So that's some of what we do.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
There's another thing .
There's what we call the brainposter.
We do.
There's another thing.
There's what we call the brainposter and these are, as we say
and anybody who's seen thisthey'll recognize my words real
scans of real brains, differentpeople putting different bad
stuff in their bodies.
And up at the top of the brainposter we've got two images of a
(31:39):
healthy brain.
And then they see these brainsthat really give merit to the
statement hole in the head.
They're areas of lower brainactivity created by different
substances.
Picture's worth a thousandwords and they might recognize
my charge to them keep yourbrain healthy.
(31:59):
So they get the brain poster.
Another thing I'll chip in hereon Remember for Change is we
have a neighbor across thestreet who was a DUI officer,
among other things in lawenforcement, and he was an
exceptional one.
Well, he creates plaques, thesewonderful plaques that we give
to law enforcement officers thathave been selected by their
(32:20):
administrations as doing anexceptional job, any officer who
goes above and beyond inconfronting people about driving
under the influence.
That's an important thing we do.
I hope every listener will stopto think.
Who comes to these scenes ofcrashes over and over and over
(32:41):
again and sees these tragediesand has to do the process of
gathering evidence, but thenrestoring that site to normal
life goes on.
This affects them and they arevery interested in having fewer
crashes because they, as theysay, they need to put all that
in a box and leave it at work sothey can go home and have a
(33:04):
life after all the stuff thatthey see.
So we always take thisopportunity to thank our law
enforcement for being responsiveto these situations, and I have
a sense of partnership withthem.
I've really learned more abouttheir humanity in all of this
(33:25):
and that's been a goodexperience.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
I would like to ask you what does the journey of
forgiveness look like for eachof you?
Speaker 3 (33:34):
It's to repeat the thought that this young man did
not intend for that to happen.
He didn't intend for that.
It would be harder to forgiveif he did.
So that helps.
That's the thought.
I think that's something that'sincomplete.
I think at different points inlife you revisit something in a
(33:55):
new way because you have changed, and so forgiveness happens at
these different points in lifewhere that comes up, and so I
wouldn't say I'm done with that.
I don't know how I would be Forsome folks.
I understand.
You know death's the end.
I didn't know anything before Iwas born.
After I'm dead, I'm not goingto know anything.
(34:16):
The Stoics epitaph I was not, Iwas, I am not, I don't care.
I was not, I was, I am not, Idon't care, I'm not that way.
I think there's been enoughexperiences and I have
personally heard a person talkabout their experience, which
lends to the possibility thatsome of us is still around
afterward and I think if theforgiveness process gets
(34:39):
completed, it gets completed onthe other side and I suppose the
materialist would say, well,yeah, it's done, you're done
feeling bad about it.
So don't be too hard onyourself if you feel like, well,
I really haven't forgivensomebody.
I don't know that you can.
I don't know, I don't know.
Therefore, a lot is possible.
(35:00):
I don't know everything, Idon't know.
(35:22):
Therefore, a lot is possible.
I don't know everything.
People believe they can dosomething and they'll be
persistent, and what we try toencourage them to do is to say
you know, sometimes it's a goodidea to stop persisting and take
the goggles off, stop theactivity, make a change of
course.
There's people today drivingimpaired because they believe
they can, because they've doneit over and over again, and all
I would say to them is you know,you're slower, because that's
what our little test shows youYou're slower and someday you
might have to be very quick,like that young man needed to be
really quick that day and stayin his lane and he couldn't do
(35:46):
it because those substances hadslowed him down.
When you're slowed down, takethe goggles off, stop drinking,
stay with people around you, geta ride.
Please, slow down.
You're going to need the extratime.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Regarding forgiveness , having worked at the detention
center for youth, in a way Ihave found it easier to forgive
the young man Now.
When I had to face him in thatcourtroom, I was very astonished
(36:22):
at myself.
I became livid, I had to stepout because I had never faced
him and fortunately the victim'sadvocate was there from mad.
My biggest difficulty has beenforgiving the parents.
The kid was a teenager.
(36:44):
His brain wasn't fully grown.
The parents knew better andthey needed to get him help.
Like I had told both of our ownchildren, if you ever become
addicted to any substance, knowthat you will be in a substance
(37:06):
treatment center so fast that itwill make your head spin, and
it won't be local where you getto see your friends who are
reinforcing these bad addiction.
It will be in another state.
Claudia became an orphanbecause both of her parents were
(37:28):
alcoholics and abandoned her atage seven and she was picked up
by the police and, mercifully,were taken to an orphanage and
so I knew she had the alcoholismgene and I let her know, and
our son as well.
(37:49):
So parents admit that you can'tfix it yourself.
As much as you want to, as muchas you want to keep it private
want to as much as you want tokeep it private.
Go get your child help beforeyour child ends up in jail
having killed someone or theyend up dead themselves.
(38:10):
Please.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
Thank you so much for sharing I mean you all shared
so much valuable informationtoday.
Thank you for what you do forour community as well.
Tim and Melanie, thank you forbeing my guest today on the I
Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Thank you.
You're very welcome and thankyou for listening today.
This is Jen Lee with the I NeedBlue podcast.
To learn anything andeverything about I Need Blue,
check out my website,wwwinadebluenet, and remember
you are stronger than you think.
Until next time you.
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