October 21, 2024 • 28 mins
In this inspiring episode, Sandy Dobson takes us on a powerful journey from a 33-year career as a police and fire dispatcher to becoming a leading advocate for domestic violence victims in Palm Bay. Sandy’s transition highlights the often-overlooked aspects of abuse—mental, emotional, and psychological—and the crucial role advocates play in helping victims rebuild their lives.
With a focus on empowering individuals, she sheds light on the critical importance of support systems, community resources like Serene Harbor, and addressing the overlooked issue of domestic abuse against men. This episode offers practical advice, emotional insights, and a call to action for anyone looking to make a difference during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
SERENE HARBOR HOTLINE NUMBER: 321-726-8282.
www.SereneHarbor.org.
You can reach their hotline advocates by text, call or TTY. They have a live chat. They is a certified and trained advocate available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, holidays, hurricanes, it doesn't matter. They're there to answer every call, regardless of how it comes through. They are trained to assist right then and there.
THE WOMEN'S CENTER OF BREVARD COUNTY, FL: 321-607-6809
https://www.womenscenter.net/
For over 49 years as a local non-profit organization in the Brevard County community, the Women's Center has been on a focused mission to help women, men & children who have faced trauma related to domestic violence & sexual assault. Trauma informed, wraparound programs provide victims with the hope, tools & resources needed to build a healthy & successful future for themselves & their families.
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Purchase my book: Why I Survived: How Sharing My Story Helped Me Heal from Dating Abuse, Armed Robbery, Abduction, and Other Forms of Trauma by Jennifer Lee
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jen (00:00):
Everyone has a story.
They just don't always have aplace to share it.
Welcome to I Need Blue, thepodcast about to take you on an
(00:22):
extraordinary journey whereprofound narratives come to life
, one captivating episode at atime.
I'm your host, Jennifer Lee,and I founded this podcast
because I know there is healingand sharing.
Each story you will hear sharedon this podcast is a testament
to our collective strength,innate ability to transform in
(00:45):
the incredible power of healing.
Please remember you are neveralone.
Please visit and share mywebsite with those seeking
connection and inspirationwwwineedbluenet.
Thank you, Char Good, forcomposing and performing the
introduction medley for I NeedBlue.
(01:07):
You can find information aboutChar on her website,
wwwchargoode.
com.
Before starting today's episode,I must provide a trigger
warning.
I Need Blue features graphicthemes, including, but not
limited to, violence, abuse andmurder, and may not be suitable
for all listeners.
(01:28):
Please take care of yourselfand don't hesitate to ask for
help if you need it.
Now let's get started withtoday's story.
October is Domestic ViolenceAwareness Month.
Domestic violence can bephysical, mental, emotional and
or psychological.
(01:48):
I know I am a survivor too, andboy do we have a way of hiding
it in plain sight.
Sandy Dobson is my guest today.
I heard her speak during achamber luncheon.
Her message resonated and Iknew she needed to be here with
us too.
Sandy Dobson has been a victimadvocate within the Palm Bay
(02:12):
Police Department for the pastfive years.
During the luncheon, she spokemethodically about the signs of
someone being abused.
She is here to share thosesigns with us today.
Sandy, thank you for being myguest and welcome to the I Need
Blue podcast.
Well, thank you for having me.
(02:34):
Of course, Can you share withus a little bit more about your
background?
Sandy (02:40):
Well, I help victims of all types, but especially men
and women who find themselves inviolent situations.
I come amid broken promises,betrayal and heartache and I
help guide them to live happy,productive lives again.
The criminal justice system canbe very confusing, but I try to
(03:00):
make it easy.
Before my time with our victimservices Unit, I worked for 33
years as a police and firedispatcher.
I handled every conceivablesituation there is, helping to
ensure everyone made it outalive.
As I entered my 33rd year ofdispatch, I realized it was time
(03:22):
for a change and I startedlooking for a position to
challenge me while still servingthe public.
I found our victim servicesunit and come to work each day,
excited to help transform lives.
Jen (03:35):
Number one, let me say thank you for your service to
the community, and I had no ideauntil we kind of got to know
each other a little bit more.
But being a dispatcher fordecades like you did is
incredible, truly.
Our dispatchers are like thefirst first responder right,
(03:55):
they are.
They very much are, yes, so Iwant to.
I can understand why after afew decades, needed a change,
but why the victim's unit?
Sandy (04:11):
Well, it was becoming a time for me to leave dispatch.
It was just too much trauma,too much turmoil.
I was just emotionally,physically tired.
The last 25 years of mydispatch I spent on midnight
shift and so my body was tired.
It was just overwhelming and Idecided I needed to change.
(04:34):
But because I spent so long inpublic service, I didn't want to
just leave.
And then I started lookingaround for the different things
I could do and I kept comingback to victim services and when
I was taking my 911 calls Iwould try to work as best I
(04:54):
could with our domestic violencevictims, but I really had no
time.
So I started thinking that,instead of at the very beginning
, perhaps I could work with them.
Jen (05:27):
How has that changed your life?
Sandy (05:31):
Before I had a great number of victims.
I helped briefly and now I havemuch less volume, but I really
delve into what they're goingthrough a lot more volume, but I
really delve into what they'regoing through a lot more.
I won't say that the storiesare any less traumatic or
heartbreaking, but I really getto know the people a lot more
(05:54):
and it feels really good to beable to help them out to the
other side and before.
All I could do is make surethey stayed alive until the
officers got there.
Jen (06:07):
Yes, many times, as the 911 dispatcher when I've spoken
with them before, is, they'rejust left with a voice right,
they don't know what happened,never.
Yeah, so now you're able tokind of pick up where it was
left off and continue to help,and thank you for that.
Where?
Sandy (06:25):
it was left off and continue to help and thank you
for that.
I can tell you that I believe,from doing all of our case
reports, other things like that,I honestly believe it's our
number one crime.
It happens, happens all thetime, happens in all sorts of
different neighborhoods.
There's no socioeconomic ordemographic or anything.
(06:45):
It happens everywhere and ifyou're a family that it hasn't
happened in, well, you're reallyreally lucky.
It just is so prevalent,especially when you have things
like economic problems or justlike even this storm there was a
flooded domestic violenceincident last night because of
(07:08):
the stress of the storm and it'sjust everywhere and I honestly
believe it is our number onecrime that we respond to.
Jen (07:19):
Wow, and for those listening when we talk about the
storm, we're in Florida andwe're all preparing for Milton,
so all of our prayers go out toeverybody who is preparing for
this crazy weather event.
So we're thinking of you andpraying for you.
There are resources availableon my website, ineedbluenet.
(07:45):
In Brevard County, you haveSerene Harbor, the certified
domestic violence shelter.
You also have the women'sshelter.
Who am I missing, sandy?
Sandy (08:00):
You have all of the domestic violence advocates in
all the different agencies.
Most of our agencies havedomestic violence advocates.
Like myself I work for the PalmBay Police Department and us
and Serene Harbor and theWomen's Center.
We all basically do the samething.
It's just some like the Women'sCenter, they specialize in the
counseling, and the SereneHarbor they specialize in the
(08:21):
shelter and trying to get youout of this situation.
But really we all pretty muchdo the same thing and so there's
a lot more of us than peoplerealize, because they only you
know they only work with one intimes of trouble.
Jen (08:35):
Yes, and I am aware that Serene Harbor does take women,
men and pets.
So many times when we're in adomestic violence situation, we
don't want to leave our petbehind and you don't have pets.
So many times when we're in adomestic violence situation, we
don't want to leave our petbehind and you don't have to.
So I think that's an importantpoint to mention as well.
But I tell you what, sandy,let's dig in and can you share
(08:56):
some signs of domestic violencewith us?
Sure?
Sandy (09:01):
First of all, I do want to emphasize that you probably,
if you have not been a victim ofdomestic violence and somebody
in your family has it, Iguarantee that somebody that
you've come in contact has.
However it's for the most part,most people keep it very
private.
It's a silent crime becausepeople aren't out there
(09:23):
broadcasting it.
As my generation used to say,we don't air a dirty laundry, so
it's everywhere and some of thedifferent things that you can
look for obvious, unexplainedinjuries.
If you see somebody andfrequently they have new bruises
or what's said for things likethat that might be going on with
(09:46):
the domestic violence.
They may appear overwhelmed,stressed or scattered.
Their daily tasks might seemoverwhelming.
They may seem scared of theirpartner or way too eager to
please their partner.
That's a sign they might benervous talking about their
(10:09):
partner or around their partner.
They might have an unexplaineddecline in their productivity.
Excessive absences, tardiness,like say, you are in a group of
friends and you've known thesefriends for a long time and all
of a sudden, where you used toget together all the time, now
(10:31):
you don't.
That might be what's going on.
They might have a change inappearance or reluctance to
discuss their home life.
They may talk about theirpartner's anger or
possessiveness.
You might have majorpersonality changes or may seem
(10:52):
depressed, anxious or suicidal.
I do want to note, however,that these things aren't just
for domestic violence.
Other things could be going onas well but they are indicators.
Jen (11:05):
Thank you so much for sharing.
That is all very importantinformation.
I think I almost need to createa printable PDF with some of
those signs for people to printoff and have as a resource,
because so easily we mightlisten to this podcast and five
minutes when we're done, lifehappens and we've forgotten most
(11:28):
of what we heard.
That's true, absolutely.
So I think that's a project Imight take on so it's available
for our audience.
Sandy (11:36):
So I want to talk about what you should do.
If you suspect domesticviolence, Please you can go and
talk to the person that youthink is a victim.
Make sure you do it when theabuser is not around His or her
family members, friends.
You need to do it in private.
You need to talk to them inneed.
(11:57):
Might not be what you want forthem.
Sometimes just them knowingthat somebody knows their secret
is enough.
I have victims that say, pleasejust document in your notes
(12:21):
this is what happened to me, incase I disappear and they don't
want to really do anything.
They just want to understandthat somebody knows about what's
happening.
Don't ever place conditions uponyour support.
Don't say you know I will helpyou if you leave.
I mean, clearly you want themto leave, but it's not always so
(12:42):
cut and dry.
I mean, clearly you want themto leave, but it's not always so
cut and dry.
And they need help and theywant a friend or a family member
, even if they can't leave.
And people can't leave fordifferent, various, a lot of
reasons, the very biggest beingeconomics.
They can't, you know, if theyhave to make a choice whether to
(13:05):
feed their kids and house theirkids or go homeless a lot of
times they're going to stay orif they don't have enough money
to live.
Jen (13:11):
Right, and a lot of times the abuser has put them in a
situation where they're notallowed to work or whatever
money they have they have togive to the person, or they
don't have access to the bankaccounts and money and things
like that.
Sandy (13:25):
That's very true.
When you talk to them, offerresources.
Don't try to be an expert, but,like you have on your website,
places that they can go and help, that they can get, and make
sure that they understand theyare in control of the help you
get.
When I talk to them on thephone, I don't tell them what to
do.
I give them the information, Isuggest that where they can go
(13:49):
for help, but I don't tell themwhat to do.
It is their choice, their freewill.
A lot of times has been takenfrom them, and part of
reclaiming their life isreclaiming control of their life
.
So they need to understand thatwhat they do, they are doing,
they are empowering themselvesto do it, and you need to
(14:10):
understand that nothing mightchange, even though they have
talked to you about it.
Just simply you being there andtalking to them and knowing
what's going on, it might beenough for them.
So your role is not to fix theproblem.
Jen (14:25):
Your role is to give them resources and be there for them
along the way, you know, I'm ofthe Oprah generation, where I
used to watch her show in theafternoon and it was great and
domestic violence victims wouldbe on there.
And I remember looking at theTV and, mind you, this was a few
decades ago thinking to myselfwhy don't you just leave?
(14:47):
I don't get it, why don't youjust leave?
And that is still said andthought today, all the time.
Yes, and that is the last thingyou should say to somebody in
this situation, right?
Sandy (15:05):
Well, first of all, when they leave is actually the most
dangerous time, when the abuserhas lost control, that's when
things can get pretty violent.
But really it's up to them whenthey leave.
They know their needs, theyunderstand the family dynamics,
they understand how much theyare capable of handling.
(15:25):
It's not your decision, it'stheir decision.
And that's where thenon-judgmental part comes in,
because you can't judge theirlife unless you have lived their
life.
You know it's different forevery person.
Some people leave the firsttime, some people, um, don't
ever leave.
Some people leave all in themiddle.
(15:46):
I've had victims in their 80swho have taken it their entire
life.
The time that you can leave oreven want to leave is different
for everybody.
Jen (15:55):
Absolutely.
And what is part of theplanning when it comes to
somebody deciding they want toleave?
Sandy (16:04):
Well, you have to have a place to go.
Not everybody just walks out.
Most people plan theirdeparture, collect the different
documents you need, likesecurity cards, birth
certificates, things pack a bagof clothes, have somebody that
can pick them up and take themto where they're going or a way
(16:27):
to get there.
They do it when their abuser isat work or out of town or, you
know, down at the gym orwhatever, because they don't
want a huge scene which couldpotentially turn dangerous.
Then you have kids.
You want to take your kids andyou want to get them to a safe
spot, but you know the otherperson is their father or their
(16:49):
mother and you can't deny them,and so it gets tricky.
So definitely safety planningand an escape plan, and the
Women's Center and Serene Harbordefinitely excel at helping
with that.
Also, all the differentadvocates and the different
(17:09):
agencies can help as well.
Jen (17:11):
Absolutely.
Knowing that there areresources out there is so
important, and that's part ofthe reason we're having this
conversation today.
One thing you had said at theluncheon is you talked about
ethnicity.
Can you elaborate on that?
Sandy (17:27):
Different cultures have different things that are
considered domestic violence,where something might be of
average and ordinary in oneculture, might be extreme in
another.
So you have to understand theirculture, where they're coming
from, because it might becompletely intolerable to you
(17:50):
but it might be extremely normalfor another culture.
You can't judge it just uponyourself and that's the last
thing you need to do is to judge.
Now, obviously, if they'regetting knocked around and
they're full of bruises and theyhave broken arms, I mean I
don't think any culture is allright with that, but some
(18:11):
cultures are just.
They're just more aggressivethan others.
Really, you just need tounderstand where they're coming
from, or family situations.
What goes on in one family asnormal might not even be even
close with another family.
Jen (18:27):
So what should somebody do?
Sandy (18:30):
Well, talk to the loved one First of all.
Do they find it uncomfortable?
Or maybe the loved oneunderstands.
You know, like if you hearsomebody say, oh, they don't
mean it, talk to them and findout.
Do you consider this a problem?
Do you consider this violence?
(18:50):
Do you consider this dangerous?
We all have our gut feelingswhere we know we're in danger.
You know, I've talked tovictims where I think things are
extreme and they're like oh,yeah, yeah, no, I'm not really
in danger, everything's allright.
And then I've talked to otherpeople where they take something
that somebody has said and I'mthinking that's really no big
(19:12):
deal and they're close tohysterical over it.
It's just different people takedifferent amounts.
You know it has to be whatthey're uncomfortable dealing
with, what they shouldn't bedealing with, and how can you
help them?
Jen (19:25):
Yes, I like that.
So let's talk about men andwomen, because they are both
victims of domestic violence andI think and I got this from
looking at Serene Harbor onLinkedIn is one in three women
are victims and one in four men.
Sandy (19:46):
The difference men don't really want to come forward.
You have the whole thing.
You know I got beat up by awoman or they are taught to be
strong and you know, silent, alot of men don't want to.
They're embarrassed.
But that is slowly changing.
(20:07):
I've seen some really badbeatings come from women.
That is definitely changing.
We do work with men all thetime now, so it's not that it's
not happening, it's just thatthey are more hesitant to report
it.
Jen (20:22):
This is very true.
That's been part of ourconversation in the past and I'm
glad to hear that some of thatstigma is going away and that
men are coming forward more.
And you know, even when I'm outtalking and they're like, oh,
it's just sort of doesn't reallyhappen to men, it's not
possible.
I was like no, it's just sortof doesn't really happen to men,
it's not possible.
I was like no, you don'tunderstand.
(20:43):
It does happen and it can bephysical, but a lot of times
it's the mental, emotional,psychological means of how they,
how they can break someone down.
We're all human, you know, atthe end of the day, that's true.
Sandy (20:56):
I had two victims last week who were men, and they both
took her back because theydon't have money for a
babysitter and they don't knowanybody to babysit.
So the child care isn't just awoman issue.
Jen (21:15):
Absolutely.
Thank you for bringing that up.
It's a good point.
That up.
It's a good point.
In your role as victim advocate, do you play a role with the
police officers in helping toeducate?
Are you a resource for them too, as they go out and be a
resource and a helper in thecommunity?
Sandy (21:36):
We do have them call us and ask for our advice of what
we can do.
We also go out and dopreventative outreaches, like
where I met you at the chamberlunch.
We do things like that so thatwe can help educate the public.
Jen (21:53):
That's great, and thank you to the Palm Bay Police
Department for all you do forthe community as well.
I think that anytime we can saythank you, it's important,
because they get up every dayand they do something that I
have never done and I don'tthink I could do, and just like
you, being a dispatcher for solong and even in your role now,
(22:14):
thank you.
It takes somebody very specialto be in your shoes, so I
appreciate you very special tobe in your shoes, so I
appreciate you Well.
Sandy (22:26):
Thank you so much for saying that, because as a
dispatcher, we never get thanked, ever, ever, ever.
As a victim advocate, I getthanked all the time.
It's wonderful.
I love seeing my victims comeout of chaos and end up happy
and successful and in charge oftheir lives, and they are always
so gracious and happy and itmakes me feel good.
Jen (22:49):
That's awesome.
I want to instill hope andsomebody who is listening and
might be like I'll never get out, you know I recognize that's me
.
Can you share a story ofsomebody that you helped who,
like you said, was in thebeginning in the bad situation
and then got themselves to wherethey are thriving today?
Let's share a story of hope,shall we?
Sandy (23:12):
I tell you there's just so many stories.
I had a woman who had severallittle kids.
She wasn't working, which iscommon.
I mean and I'm not saying thatonly abusers have women to stay
home and take care of kidsbecause that's the best job in
the entire world, and that's notwhat I'm implying but she was
(23:35):
cut off.
She wasn't working, he wasgetting progressively worse and
she didn't really have a lot ofjob skills.
She just one day, she fed up,got fed up and contacted us,
called straight to our victimservices unit and coming to us.
It doesn't have to start with apolice officer and everything
(23:56):
we say with our victims isconfidential.
We don't go report back to theofficers.
So she hadn't even gone to anofficer and she just called and
said hey, you know what can I do?
I want to leave, I don't haveanywhere to go, I don't have any
money, I have these little kids.
And so we talked and we workedwith her.
(24:17):
We sent her to Serene Harborand she sheltered there for a
couple months.
We were working with her.
We ended up going and she got arestraining order.
We went to court with her,transported her there.
The Women's Center was workingwith her or counseling, because
you know, after you've been withan abuser for a certain length
(24:40):
of time, it messes with yourmind.
And so she was successfully incounseling, getting new friends,
had a new job, and I rememberher saying it was like nine
months into it and she called meone day and she said you know,
I never thought nine months agothat my life would be worth
(25:00):
anything.
And here I am.
I have my own apartment, mykids are healthy, happy, I have
a job, I have new friends and Ilove my life.
So there is a way out.
It might not seem it at thetime.
Just don't think about the bigpicture.
Just do your little baby stepsand before you know it you'll be
(25:22):
out the other end and so muchhappier.
Jen (25:26):
Absolutely, and sometimes life is about taking one minute
at a time, one second at a time,right Sometimes?
Sandy (25:33):
it is.
But you know what those secondsand those minutes add up to a
happy future.
Jen (25:38):
Absolutely.
Is there a confidential hotline?
Sandy (25:42):
We do not have a hotline.
I can give you our phone number.
It's 321-952-8998.
It is not confidential, However.
You don't have to leave yourname if you don't want to.
You don't have to leave yourname if you don't want to.
Jen (26:08):
And, like I said, everything we say, that is said
between us and the people whocall us, is confidential and
should someone call, do theyjust directly ask for the victim
advocate?
Sandy (26:14):
You know they might say victim advocate or person who
can help me, or I need help, orI just want to talk.
You know they come about it allsorts of different ways, but
what it is is this an importantphone call they made to help
themselves get better.
Jen (26:29):
Yes, and I know, like Serene Harbor and whatnot, they
have a domestic violence hotline, so I will put all of that
information in the show notes aswell for somebody to easily
obtain.
Sandy, a very important topic.
Is there anything you wouldlike to add that I am missing?
Sandy (26:49):
I just want to say that if you do suspect that somebody
is going through this, talk tothem by themselves.
Kindly, talk to them bythemselves.
Kindly, don't be afraid thatyou might be wrong, because if
you're wrong then hopefullythey'll understand that you were
(27:16):
doing it out of a place of loveand support.
And don't be surprised if thefirst few times they do say that
you're wrong, because it's avery, very private affair.
It's better to be wrong than itis to wake up one day and hear
that you know your friend isdead.
(27:37):
So just be patient, be kind, besupportive and, above all else,
don't take their tail and tellit to anybody.
That is their story to give.
Jen (27:46):
Absolutely, and one of my favorite things to say is you
matter.
Sandy (27:53):
Absolutely.
I could not have said thatbetter.
Jen (27:56):
Yes, sandy.
Thank you so much for being myguest on the I Need Blue podcast
.
Well, thank you so much forhaving me.
You are so welcome.
This is Jen Lee, host of the INeed Blue podcast.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
To learn anything andeverything about I Need Blue,
(28:16):
visit my website,wwwineedbluenet.
Visit my website,wwwineedbluenet.
As always, remember you arestronger than you think.
Until next time.
Everyone has a story.
They just don't always have aplace to share it.
Welcome to I Need Blue, thepodcast about to take you on an
(00:22):
extraordinary journey whereprofound narratives come to life
, one captivating episode at atime.
I'm your host, Jennifer Lee,and I founded this podcast
because I know there is healingand sharing.
Each story you will hear sharedon this podcast is a testament
to our collective strength,innate ability to transform in
(00:45):
the incredible power of healing.
Please remember you are neveralone.
Please visit and share mywebsite with those seeking
connection and inspirationwwwineedbluenet.
Thank you, Char Good, forcomposing and performing the
introduction medley for I NeedBlue.
(01:07):
You can find information aboutChar on her website,
wwwchargoode.
com.
Before starting today's episode,I must provide a trigger
warning.
I Need Blue features graphicthemes, including, but not
limited to, violence, abuse andmurder, and may not be suitable
for all listeners.
(01:28):
Please take care of yourselfand don't hesitate to ask for
help if you need it.
Now let's get started withtoday's story.
October is Domestic ViolenceAwareness Month.
Domestic violence can bephysical, mental, emotional and
or psychological.
(01:48):
I know I am a survivor too, andboy do we have a way of hiding
it in plain sight.
Sandy Dobson is my guest today.
I heard her speak during achamber luncheon.
Her message resonated and Iknew she needed to be here with
us too.
Sandy Dobson has been a victimadvocate within the Palm Bay
(02:12):
Police Department for the pastfive years.
During the luncheon, she spokemethodically about the signs of
someone being abused.
She is here to share thosesigns with us today.
Sandy, thank you for being myguest and welcome to the I Need
Blue podcast.
Well, thank you for having me.
(02:34):
Of course, Can you share withus a little bit more about your
background?
Sandy (02:40):
Well, I help victims of all types, but especially men
and women who find themselves inviolent situations.
I come amid broken promises,betrayal and heartache and I
help guide them to live happy,productive lives again.
The criminal justice system canbe very confusing, but I try to
(03:00):
make it easy.
Before my time with our victimservices Unit, I worked for 33
years as a police and firedispatcher.
I handled every conceivablesituation there is, helping to
ensure everyone made it outalive.
As I entered my 33rd year ofdispatch, I realized it was time
(03:22):
for a change and I startedlooking for a position to
challenge me while still servingthe public.
I found our victim servicesunit and come to work each day,
excited to help transform lives.
Jen (03:35):
Number one, let me say thank you for your service to
the community, and I had no ideauntil we kind of got to know
each other a little bit more.
But being a dispatcher fordecades like you did is
incredible, truly.
Our dispatchers are like thefirst first responder right,
(03:55):
they are.
They very much are, yes, so Iwant to.
I can understand why after afew decades, needed a change,
but why the victim's unit?
Sandy (04:11):
Well, it was becoming a time for me to leave dispatch.
It was just too much trauma,too much turmoil.
I was just emotionally,physically tired.
The last 25 years of mydispatch I spent on midnight
shift and so my body was tired.
It was just overwhelming and Idecided I needed to change.
(04:34):
But because I spent so long inpublic service, I didn't want to
just leave.
And then I started lookingaround for the different things
I could do and I kept comingback to victim services and when
I was taking my 911 calls Iwould try to work as best I
(04:54):
could with our domestic violencevictims, but I really had no
time.
So I started thinking that,instead of at the very beginning
, perhaps I could work with them.
Jen (05:27):
How has that changed your life?
Sandy (05:31):
Before I had a great number of victims.
I helped briefly and now I havemuch less volume, but I really
delve into what they're goingthrough a lot more volume, but I
really delve into what they'regoing through a lot more.
I won't say that the storiesare any less traumatic or
heartbreaking, but I really getto know the people a lot more
(05:54):
and it feels really good to beable to help them out to the
other side and before.
All I could do is make surethey stayed alive until the
officers got there.
Jen (06:07):
Yes, many times, as the 911 dispatcher when I've spoken
with them before, is, they'rejust left with a voice right,
they don't know what happened,never.
Yeah, so now you're able tokind of pick up where it was
left off and continue to help,and thank you for that.
Where?
Sandy (06:25):
it was left off and continue to help and thank you
for that.
I can tell you that I believe,from doing all of our case
reports, other things like that,I honestly believe it's our
number one crime.
It happens, happens all thetime, happens in all sorts of
different neighborhoods.
There's no socioeconomic ordemographic or anything.
(06:45):
It happens everywhere and ifyou're a family that it hasn't
happened in, well, you're reallyreally lucky.
It just is so prevalent,especially when you have things
like economic problems or justlike even this storm there was a
flooded domestic violenceincident last night because of
(07:08):
the stress of the storm and it'sjust everywhere and I honestly
believe it is our number onecrime that we respond to.
Jen (07:19):
Wow, and for those listening when we talk about the
storm, we're in Florida andwe're all preparing for Milton,
so all of our prayers go out toeverybody who is preparing for
this crazy weather event.
So we're thinking of you andpraying for you.
There are resources availableon my website, ineedbluenet.
(07:45):
In Brevard County, you haveSerene Harbor, the certified
domestic violence shelter.
You also have the women'sshelter.
Who am I missing, sandy?
Sandy (08:00):
You have all of the domestic violence advocates in
all the different agencies.
Most of our agencies havedomestic violence advocates.
Like myself I work for the PalmBay Police Department and us
and Serene Harbor and theWomen's Center.
We all basically do the samething.
It's just some like the Women'sCenter, they specialize in the
counseling, and the SereneHarbor they specialize in the
(08:21):
shelter and trying to get youout of this situation.
But really we all pretty muchdo the same thing and so there's
a lot more of us than peoplerealize, because they only you
know they only work with one intimes of trouble.
Jen (08:35):
Yes, and I am aware that Serene Harbor does take women,
men and pets.
So many times when we're in adomestic violence situation, we
don't want to leave our petbehind and you don't have pets.
So many times when we're in adomestic violence situation, we
don't want to leave our petbehind and you don't have to.
So I think that's an importantpoint to mention as well.
But I tell you what, sandy,let's dig in and can you share
(08:56):
some signs of domestic violencewith us?
Sure?
Sandy (09:01):
First of all, I do want to emphasize that you probably,
if you have not been a victim ofdomestic violence and somebody
in your family has it, Iguarantee that somebody that
you've come in contact has.
However it's for the most part,most people keep it very
private.
It's a silent crime becausepeople aren't out there
(09:23):
broadcasting it.
As my generation used to say,we don't air a dirty laundry, so
it's everywhere and some of thedifferent things that you can
look for obvious, unexplainedinjuries.
If you see somebody andfrequently they have new bruises
or what's said for things likethat that might be going on with
(09:46):
the domestic violence.
They may appear overwhelmed,stressed or scattered.
Their daily tasks might seemoverwhelming.
They may seem scared of theirpartner or way too eager to
please their partner.
That's a sign they might benervous talking about their
(10:09):
partner or around their partner.
They might have an unexplaineddecline in their productivity.
Excessive absences, tardiness,like say, you are in a group of
friends and you've known thesefriends for a long time and all
of a sudden, where you used toget together all the time, now
(10:31):
you don't.
That might be what's going on.
They might have a change inappearance or reluctance to
discuss their home life.
They may talk about theirpartner's anger or
possessiveness.
You might have majorpersonality changes or may seem
(10:52):
depressed, anxious or suicidal.
I do want to note, however,that these things aren't just
for domestic violence.
Other things could be going onas well but they are indicators.
Jen (11:05):
Thank you so much for sharing.
That is all very importantinformation.
I think I almost need to createa printable PDF with some of
those signs for people to printoff and have as a resource,
because so easily we mightlisten to this podcast and five
minutes when we're done, lifehappens and we've forgotten most
(11:28):
of what we heard.
That's true, absolutely.
So I think that's a project Imight take on so it's available
for our audience.
Sandy (11:36):
So I want to talk about what you should do.
If you suspect domesticviolence, Please you can go and
talk to the person that youthink is a victim.
Make sure you do it when theabuser is not around His or her
family members, friends.
You need to do it in private.
You need to talk to them inneed.
(11:57):
Might not be what you want forthem.
Sometimes just them knowingthat somebody knows their secret
is enough.
I have victims that say, pleasejust document in your notes
(12:21):
this is what happened to me, incase I disappear and they don't
want to really do anything.
They just want to understandthat somebody knows about what's
happening.
Don't ever place conditions uponyour support.
Don't say you know I will helpyou if you leave.
I mean, clearly you want themto leave, but it's not always so
(12:42):
cut and dry.
I mean, clearly you want themto leave, but it's not always so
cut and dry.
And they need help and theywant a friend or a family member
, even if they can't leave.
And people can't leave fordifferent, various, a lot of
reasons, the very biggest beingeconomics.
They can't, you know, if theyhave to make a choice whether to
(13:05):
feed their kids and house theirkids or go homeless a lot of
times they're going to stay orif they don't have enough money
to live.
Jen (13:11):
Right, and a lot of times the abuser has put them in a
situation where they're notallowed to work or whatever
money they have they have togive to the person, or they
don't have access to the bankaccounts and money and things
like that.
Sandy (13:25):
That's very true.
When you talk to them, offerresources.
Don't try to be an expert, but,like you have on your website,
places that they can go and help, that they can get, and make
sure that they understand theyare in control of the help you
get.
When I talk to them on thephone, I don't tell them what to
do.
I give them the information, Isuggest that where they can go
(13:49):
for help, but I don't tell themwhat to do.
It is their choice, their freewill.
A lot of times has been takenfrom them, and part of
reclaiming their life isreclaiming control of their life
.
So they need to understand thatwhat they do, they are doing,
they are empowering themselvesto do it, and you need to
(14:10):
understand that nothing mightchange, even though they have
talked to you about it.
Just simply you being there andtalking to them and knowing
what's going on, it might beenough for them.
So your role is not to fix theproblem.
Jen (14:25):
Your role is to give them resources and be there for them
along the way, you know, I'm ofthe Oprah generation, where I
used to watch her show in theafternoon and it was great and
domestic violence victims wouldbe on there.
And I remember looking at theTV and, mind you, this was a few
decades ago thinking to myselfwhy don't you just leave?
(14:47):
I don't get it, why don't youjust leave?
And that is still said andthought today, all the time.
Yes, and that is the last thingyou should say to somebody in
this situation, right?
Sandy (15:05):
Well, first of all, when they leave is actually the most
dangerous time, when the abuserhas lost control, that's when
things can get pretty violent.
But really it's up to them whenthey leave.
They know their needs, theyunderstand the family dynamics,
they understand how much theyare capable of handling.
(15:25):
It's not your decision, it'stheir decision.
And that's where thenon-judgmental part comes in,
because you can't judge theirlife unless you have lived their
life.
You know it's different forevery person.
Some people leave the firsttime, some people, um, don't
ever leave.
Some people leave all in themiddle.
(15:46):
I've had victims in their 80swho have taken it their entire
life.
The time that you can leave oreven want to leave is different
for everybody.
Jen (15:55):
Absolutely.
And what is part of theplanning when it comes to
somebody deciding they want toleave?
Sandy (16:04):
Well, you have to have a place to go.
Not everybody just walks out.
Most people plan theirdeparture, collect the different
documents you need, likesecurity cards, birth
certificates, things pack a bagof clothes, have somebody that
can pick them up and take themto where they're going or a way
(16:27):
to get there.
They do it when their abuser isat work or out of town or, you
know, down at the gym orwhatever, because they don't
want a huge scene which couldpotentially turn dangerous.
Then you have kids.
You want to take your kids andyou want to get them to a safe
spot, but you know the otherperson is their father or their
(16:49):
mother and you can't deny them,and so it gets tricky.
So definitely safety planningand an escape plan, and the
Women's Center and Serene Harbordefinitely excel at helping
with that.
Also, all the differentadvocates and the different
(17:09):
agencies can help as well.
Jen (17:11):
Absolutely.
Knowing that there areresources out there is so
important, and that's part ofthe reason we're having this
conversation today.
One thing you had said at theluncheon is you talked about
ethnicity.
Can you elaborate on that?
Sandy (17:27):
Different cultures have different things that are
considered domestic violence,where something might be of
average and ordinary in oneculture, might be extreme in
another.
So you have to understand theirculture, where they're coming
from, because it might becompletely intolerable to you
(17:50):
but it might be extremely normalfor another culture.
You can't judge it just uponyourself and that's the last
thing you need to do is to judge.
Now, obviously, if they'regetting knocked around and
they're full of bruises and theyhave broken arms, I mean I
don't think any culture is allright with that, but some
(18:11):
cultures are just.
They're just more aggressivethan others.
Really, you just need tounderstand where they're coming
from, or family situations.
What goes on in one family asnormal might not even be even
close with another family.
Jen (18:27):
So what should somebody do?
Sandy (18:30):
Well, talk to the loved one First of all.
Do they find it uncomfortable?
Or maybe the loved oneunderstands.
You know, like if you hearsomebody say, oh, they don't
mean it, talk to them and findout.
Do you consider this a problem?
Do you consider this violence?
(18:50):
Do you consider this dangerous?
We all have our gut feelingswhere we know we're in danger.
You know, I've talked tovictims where I think things are
extreme and they're like oh,yeah, yeah, no, I'm not really
in danger, everything's allright.
And then I've talked to otherpeople where they take something
that somebody has said and I'mthinking that's really no big
(19:12):
deal and they're close tohysterical over it.
It's just different people takedifferent amounts.
You know it has to be whatthey're uncomfortable dealing
with, what they shouldn't bedealing with, and how can you
help them?
Jen (19:25):
Yes, I like that.
So let's talk about men andwomen, because they are both
victims of domestic violence andI think and I got this from
looking at Serene Harbor onLinkedIn is one in three women
are victims and one in four men.
Sandy (19:46):
The difference men don't really want to come forward.
You have the whole thing.
You know I got beat up by awoman or they are taught to be
strong and you know, silent, alot of men don't want to.
They're embarrassed.
But that is slowly changing.
(20:07):
I've seen some really badbeatings come from women.
That is definitely changing.
We do work with men all thetime now, so it's not that it's
not happening, it's just thatthey are more hesitant to report
it.
Jen (20:22):
This is very true.
That's been part of ourconversation in the past and I'm
glad to hear that some of thatstigma is going away and that
men are coming forward more.
And you know, even when I'm outtalking and they're like, oh,
it's just sort of doesn't reallyhappen to men, it's not
possible.
I was like no, it's just sortof doesn't really happen to men,
it's not possible.
I was like no, you don'tunderstand.
(20:43):
It does happen and it can bephysical, but a lot of times
it's the mental, emotional,psychological means of how they,
how they can break someone down.
We're all human, you know, atthe end of the day, that's true.
Sandy (20:56):
I had two victims last week who were men, and they both
took her back because theydon't have money for a
babysitter and they don't knowanybody to babysit.
So the child care isn't just awoman issue.
Jen (21:15):
Absolutely.
Thank you for bringing that up.
It's a good point.
That up.
It's a good point.
In your role as victim advocate, do you play a role with the
police officers in helping toeducate?
Are you a resource for them too, as they go out and be a
resource and a helper in thecommunity?
Sandy (21:36):
We do have them call us and ask for our advice of what
we can do.
We also go out and dopreventative outreaches, like
where I met you at the chamberlunch.
We do things like that so thatwe can help educate the public.
Jen (21:53):
That's great, and thank you to the Palm Bay Police
Department for all you do forthe community as well.
I think that anytime we can saythank you, it's important,
because they get up every dayand they do something that I
have never done and I don'tthink I could do, and just like
you, being a dispatcher for solong and even in your role now,
(22:14):
thank you.
It takes somebody very specialto be in your shoes, so I
appreciate you very special tobe in your shoes, so I
appreciate you Well.
Sandy (22:26):
Thank you so much for saying that, because as a
dispatcher, we never get thanked, ever, ever, ever.
As a victim advocate, I getthanked all the time.
It's wonderful.
I love seeing my victims comeout of chaos and end up happy
and successful and in charge oftheir lives, and they are always
so gracious and happy and itmakes me feel good.
Jen (22:49):
That's awesome.
I want to instill hope andsomebody who is listening and
might be like I'll never get out, you know I recognize that's me
.
Can you share a story ofsomebody that you helped who,
like you said, was in thebeginning in the bad situation
and then got themselves to wherethey are thriving today?
Let's share a story of hope,shall we?
Sandy (23:12):
I tell you there's just so many stories.
I had a woman who had severallittle kids.
She wasn't working, which iscommon.
I mean and I'm not saying thatonly abusers have women to stay
home and take care of kidsbecause that's the best job in
the entire world, and that's notwhat I'm implying but she was
(23:35):
cut off.
She wasn't working, he wasgetting progressively worse and
she didn't really have a lot ofjob skills.
She just one day, she fed up,got fed up and contacted us,
called straight to our victimservices unit and coming to us.
It doesn't have to start with apolice officer and everything
(23:56):
we say with our victims isconfidential.
We don't go report back to theofficers.
So she hadn't even gone to anofficer and she just called and
said hey, you know what can I do?
I want to leave, I don't haveanywhere to go, I don't have any
money, I have these little kids.
And so we talked and we workedwith her.
(24:17):
We sent her to Serene Harborand she sheltered there for a
couple months.
We were working with her.
We ended up going and she got arestraining order.
We went to court with her,transported her there.
The Women's Center was workingwith her or counseling, because
you know, after you've been withan abuser for a certain length
(24:40):
of time, it messes with yourmind.
And so she was successfully incounseling, getting new friends,
had a new job, and I rememberher saying it was like nine
months into it and she called meone day and she said you know,
I never thought nine months agothat my life would be worth
(25:00):
anything.
And here I am.
I have my own apartment, mykids are healthy, happy, I have
a job, I have new friends and Ilove my life.
So there is a way out.
It might not seem it at thetime.
Just don't think about the bigpicture.
Just do your little baby stepsand before you know it you'll be
(25:22):
out the other end and so muchhappier.
Jen (25:26):
Absolutely, and sometimes life is about taking one minute
at a time, one second at a time,right Sometimes?
Sandy (25:33):
it is.
But you know what those secondsand those minutes add up to a
happy future.
Jen (25:38):
Absolutely.
Is there a confidential hotline?
Sandy (25:42):
We do not have a hotline.
I can give you our phone number.
It's 321-952-8998.
It is not confidential, However.
You don't have to leave yourname if you don't want to.
You don't have to leave yourname if you don't want to.
Jen (26:08):
And, like I said, everything we say, that is said
between us and the people whocall us, is confidential and
should someone call, do theyjust directly ask for the victim
advocate?
Sandy (26:14):
You know they might say victim advocate or person who
can help me, or I need help, orI just want to talk.
You know they come about it allsorts of different ways, but
what it is is this an importantphone call they made to help
themselves get better.
Jen (26:29):
Yes, and I know, like Serene Harbor and whatnot, they
have a domestic violence hotline, so I will put all of that
information in the show notes aswell for somebody to easily
obtain.
Sandy, a very important topic.
Is there anything you wouldlike to add that I am missing?
Sandy (26:49):
I just want to say that if you do suspect that somebody
is going through this, talk tothem by themselves.
Kindly, talk to them bythemselves.
Kindly, don't be afraid thatyou might be wrong, because if
you're wrong then hopefullythey'll understand that you were
(27:16):
doing it out of a place of loveand support.
And don't be surprised if thefirst few times they do say that
you're wrong, because it's avery, very private affair.
It's better to be wrong than itis to wake up one day and hear
that you know your friend isdead.
(27:37):
So just be patient, be kind, besupportive and, above all else,
don't take their tail and tellit to anybody.
That is their story to give.
Jen (27:46):
Absolutely, and one of my favorite things to say is you
matter.
Sandy (27:53):
Absolutely.
I could not have said thatbetter.
Jen (27:56):
Yes, sandy.
Thank you so much for being myguest on the I Need Blue podcast
.
Well, thank you so much forhaving me.
You are so welcome.
This is Jen Lee, host of the INeed Blue podcast.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
To learn anything andeverything about I Need Blue,
(28:16):
visit my website,wwwineedbluenet.
Visit my website,wwwineedbluenet.
As always, remember you arestronger than you think.
Until next time.
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