June 9, 2025 • 42 mins
A single ride-along changed Jeff Otis’s life, launching a 26-year law enforcement career marked by trauma, tragedy, and ultimately, healing. Early heartbreak struck when a fellow officer was killed while Jeff was still in training, setting the stage for years of hypervigilance, standoffs, and traumatic crime scenes. Through candid conversation, Jeff reveals the psychological cost of protection and the culture of “suck it up” over healing.
When PTSD symptoms—panic attacks, night terrors, headaches—surfaced, Jeff pushed through until a move to Vero Beach, Florida opened the door to real recovery. Through community policing and therapies like ketamine and ceremonial plant medicine, he found freedom from decades of silent suffering. His story challenges stereotypes, showing that seeking help is strength, and reminds us that behind every uniform is a human being with extraordinary experiences.
Contact Jeff: jefferyotis@hotmail.com
Resources discussed in this episode:
Bella Vida Chapel Sacrament Ceremonies in Melbourne Florida
https://www.bellavidachapel.com
Connect with Jen:
I Need Blue now has a new home at The Healing in Sharing! Visit thehealinginsharing.com to explore Round Chair Conversations, all relevant I Need Blue content, and ways to support the mission of sharing stories that inspire hope and resilience.
By sharing the hidden lines of our stories, we remind each other we are not alone — together, we step out of hiding and into healing.
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Memoir: Why I Survived, by Jennifer Lee on Amazon
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Imagine when you share your darkest hours they
become someone else's light.
I'm Jennifer Lee, a globalcommunity storyteller, host,
author and survivor, guiding youthrough genuine, unfiltered
conversations.
Together we break the silence,shatter stigma and amplify
(00:33):
voices that need to be heard.
Each episode stands as atestament to survival, healing
and reclaiming your power.
Listen to I Need Blue on ApplePodcasts, spotify, youtube or
your favorite platform.
Learn more at wwwineedbluenet.
(00:59):
Trigger warning I Need Blueshares real-life stories of
trauma, violence and abuse meantto empower and support.
Please take care of yourselfand ask for help if needed.
Now let's begin today's story.
It started with a ride-along.
(01:23):
It started with a ride-alongJust one college experience that
flipped the switch and set Jeffon a lifelong mission to serve
and protect.
That ride happened over 26years ago, but its impact still
(01:43):
echoes today.
Back then, in the heart ofConnecticut, jeff entered the
police academy A grueling,almost two-year journey filled
with relentless testing, intensetraining and a single goal To
select only the best Out of2,500 applicants.
Jeff was one of just eightchosen.
That moment shaped the courseof his life.
(02:07):
Fast forward more than twodecades and the landscape of law
enforcement looks vastlydifferent.
In this raw and honestconversation, jeff gives us an
unfiltered look into theevolution of policing from the
inside out.
We explore the ripple effectsof defunding, the decline in
(02:29):
applicants, and the deepemotional, mental and physical
price paid by those in uniformNow serving in Vero Beach,
florida.
Jeff is a police officerassigned to a specialized unit
as a community officer.
Since coming to Vero Beach,jeff's story takes a surprising
(02:50):
turn.
What started as a professionalshift became something deeply
personal.
The move became a turning pointnot just in his career but in
his healing.
Not just in his career, but inhis healing.
For years, jeff carried silentstruggles he couldn't name and
(03:11):
didn't know how to address.
Until one day everything beganto make sense.
In this episode we go beyondthe badge.
Jeff opens up about hisdiagnosis, his journey toward
treatment and the hard-earnedwisdom he's gained.
His words offer strength,validation and hope to every
(03:32):
first responder quietly carryingthe weight of the world.
This one's for the warriors whonever remove their armor, even
when it's heavy.
Who never remove their armoreven when it's heavy.
Jeff, thank you for all you do.
Thank you for being my guesttoday and welcome to the I Need
(03:53):
Blue podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Thank you.
Thanks for having me on.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Of course it's my honor.
I'm so glad that we actuallyhave had the opportunity to meet
in chat a little, so I lovethat.
You enthusiastically gave meyour card and said I would love
to come and share, even thoughthis is something you have not
done before Never.
How are you feeling about it?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
I feel good about it.
I think that, uh, sometimesthings play out the way they
should.
You know, never thought aboutdoing anything like that, but
from where I came from and whereI am now, I think maybe sharing
the story may help other people.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Absolutely.
I have no doubt that it will.
I also do believe that Godalways picks the perfect time
that we are supposed to connectRight Before we start.
You have a special message forour audience.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah.
So if anybody would like toreach out to me law enforcement
guys, folks like that, tend tobe pretty private.
You know my full name is JeffOtis O-T-I-S.
I work for Hero Beach PD.
You can email me.
I can even give you my contactinformation if you want to reach
out and call.
But I can say that you know ifyou're struggling, there is help
(05:13):
and you can still.
You can get that help and youcan still stay on the job and be
very effective, because if yourmental health isn't there and
you're not taking care ofyourself, you're not going to be
able to take care of anybody.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Perfect.
Thank you for providing that tothem.
Now, in your introduction, wetalk about your ride-along,
which I've had the pleasure ofbeing on one or two of those.
Tell me about this firstride-along that you were on.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
So when I was in the Army National Guard, one of my
lieutenants was a Hartfordpolice officer and we would talk
all the time and I wasinitially going to go into the
teaching program in college andbe a school teacher and we would
talk and you know, you shouldcome on a ride along with me,
(06:03):
you might like it.
And I can still remember someof the calls that we were on.
I mean, we were adrenaline kidsand I was an outdoor kid.
I call ourselves streetlightkids.
We were always outside anddoing some sort of activity
sports, bmx, bikes, things likethat and I noticed these guys
were.
They weren't confined to anoffice or a room and there was
(06:26):
some action.
But it wasn't necessarily justthat.
It was the way they handledthemselves and how they handled
people and how they interactedwith you know their community.
So some of the calls we were onwere interesting, you know.
I remember one specificallywhere they were trying to
convince somebody to take theirinsulin for diabetes.
(06:47):
It was just talking to them andtreating them like a human
being and not somebody that'sbeneath them.
I liked that they wereprofessionals.
So that that is what did it forme.
I well, I don't think it was aweek later and I switched my
major to the criminal justiceprogram, and that's how it
(07:08):
started for me.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
That's awesome, and tell us a little bit about the
hiring process, the training,things like that, because then
we want to talk about how thatis different today.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Right.
So back then, especially up inthe northeast in New England
where I came from, it was a verycompetitive process and a lot
of people were looking to getthat job.
When I was in high school, youknow, we were kind of rock and
roll kids, gearhead kids,skateboarders and I remember
(07:42):
being in class and two or threeEast Hartford police officers
came into the classroom and theywere looking for kids to be
police explorers and I didn'traise my hand, you know, because
, like I said, I would have nofriends in high school, but I
was interested even back then.
That sounds cool.
And I remember they saidsomething to the effect of the
(08:06):
job it's a good job and somedayeverybody's going to want it.
And they were right.
Because even when I was incollege, you know, I took the
test for East Hartford alone andI remember showing up at the
East Hartford High School, whichis where I went, and there was
over 2000 people there takingthe physical agility portion and
(08:29):
then from there you were gradedand if you pass that, you went
to the written exam and Iremember looking around thinking
this is crazy, it's likeplaying the lottery.
I never thought it was going tohappen.
I took the test anyway, and Ihadn't even graduated college
yet and this was probably inearly spring of 1997.
(08:52):
And it wouldn't be until Augustof 1998 where I would get the
phone call to go through therest of the testing process to
get sworn in basically.
So it was the polygraph, apsychological examination, a
regular physical, a couple moreinterviews and then a final
(09:15):
interview with the chief and hisstaff before you get the nod
and kind of welcome to the clubkind of thing.
And I started the policeacademy in August of 98.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Wow, you know and one of the things when I talk about
I Need Blue and I share that Iinclude our first responders in
the conversation that's alwaysfollowed up by.
They witness things that you orI could not possibly imagine
and they do this day in, day out, over and over again.
Would you like to share some ofthe calls that you have been on
(09:54):
to maybe give a little insightto our audience?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah.
So one thing I didn't sharewith you is my career started
with trauma.
So while I was on FTO, which isfield training, one of my
friends who we were friendsbefore we became police officers
we took the same test.
He happened to get hired aboutsix months before I did, while
(10:19):
on FTO.
He responded to a noisecomplaint and he was shot and
killed.
So that's how my career started,with a funeral.
We knew that those were therisks.
We were probably a little naive, you know like no, it's my
hometown, it's East Hartford,it's a busy enough city, but
(10:41):
things like that weren'thappening at that time and no
police officer in East Hartfordhad been shot and killed before
then and has not been shot andkilled since then.
So it started with the funeral.
And you know I was still goodfriends with his brother John.
That changed everything for mefrom the very beginning.
(11:06):
Like I said, you're preparedfor those things, but when it
hits that close it's a friend ofyours and you see what it does
to the family Over the years itdoes change the way you operate
out there very quickly.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
I mean essentially, you begin your career already
having to have faced the worstcase scenario of your job.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Yeah, it was a long week because the suspect was at
large for a while.
So we were all at work for daysand days on end and it has
maybe some positives to itbecause it did bring like the
community together and it bringsthe police department closer,
(11:50):
you know, and you put some ofthe petty differences aside, at
least for a while.
But if you work in an agencythat's not sort of I don't want
to say used to that, but thelarger agencies where officers
are shot more often, thischanged the police department
forever.
It never goes back to the same.
So my group of people that Istarted with, we had a very
(12:15):
different perspective on the job.
We never let our guard down.
We were always hypervigilant,always hypervigilant.
And I think that's sort ofwhere that started for me is not
processing some of that trauma,because you know, I was there,
I saw him, I was part of it.
So you don't really get tolearn how to process those
(12:39):
things the right way.
You just get told basically,hold it in, suck it up, kid, and
you debrief in a bar, and wedid that for years.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Are you comfortable saying his name, and we'll honor
his memory.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
Brian Asselton.
Yeah, Brian Asselton.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Okay, so when we also honor him and his service while
we speak today, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
So you know I can say that there's not very many days
that go by where I don't thinkabout him because he was cut
down early, 25 or 26 years old,even when I was going through my
career there.
I would think I wonder whathe'd be doing.
Would he be on SWAT team withme?
Would he be here or there?
Would he have gotten marriedand had a family?
(13:23):
When you hit milestones in yourlife, I would think about that,
but he never got to do any ofthat.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
Right, I can't imagine.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
So it affects you personally when something like
that happens, and it wouldn'tstop there.
This would be a recurring themefor my career.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
It's remarkable that you still continued on and I
know later on we'll talk aboutthe mental health issues as well
and what would you say is themost dangerous call that you
have been on.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
There's a few.
So I would say it was anotherofficer down call and it was a
Newington police officer, whichis where Brian Azleton's's
brother, john Asselton, worked.
We get the call for mutual aidthat there was a barricaded
suspect in a house that had shota Newington police officer.
(14:20):
So mutual aid means multipletowns are going to come and
assist.
Newington was a smaller policedepartment so they had a
perimeter set and we had acommand post and I could hear
the gunshots up on top of thehill so I knew it was a very
active scene.
So as I'm going up the hillwith another guy, the
(14:44):
floodlights on the houses werelighting up and showing our
locations.
So I was taking my rifle andpoking out all the lights so
that they wouldn't backlight usas we were going up.
And this is in the middle ofwinter and it was cold it was
(15:04):
really cold that night and itjust so happens that there was
construction being done acrossthe street and there was a big
bulldozer across the street fromthis house and that's good
cover, and I might have been nowmaybe 30 or 40 yards from the
front of this house and this guywas in the basement with
(15:29):
thousands of rounds ofammunition and he was shooting
through the little concreteslits in the foundation.
So in the north the foundationspoke up out of the ground and
there's usually these littlewindows, so he was shooting from
those.
So you really couldn't get agood shot.
(15:50):
But he knew right where all ofus were.
So he was making sure that heput enough rounds in each
direction so that if we tried tomake an approach we would get
hit.
There were some snipers, somepolice snipers that were set up.
There was a lot of shots, a lotof exchange of gunfire that
(16:10):
night.
The suspect was hit a few timesin the extremities but it
wasn't enough to stop him.
This is hours going by.
A SWAT team actually tried tomake entry.
They couldn't make the entrybecause he shot through the
floor.
As the night went on, we had arobot come and drag a fire hose
(16:33):
and stuff the fire hose into theconcrete slit and we turned it
on and flooded the basement andas the basement was filling with
water like a swimming pool, heshot and killed himself.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yes.
So Pete Lavery Officer.
Pete Lavery was in the basementas well.
We knew that he was diseasedbecause we had the robot and we
could see that there was nosigns of life there.
So we knew that it was going tobe a recovery and not a rescue.
So that gave us the opportunityto end it.
So we did, we flooded it and hekilled himself.
(17:12):
So those circumstances wouldfollow me around for a couple
more calls.
There was another one not toolong after that where a suspect
called he called 911 on himselffor a sexual assault warrant.
We thought that was kind of odd.
(17:33):
This is in the middle of ablizzard, so as we get there we
can hear screaming on the insideof the house.
So as a canine officer and afew others go in, I happen to be
in front on perimeter and theguy came at the canine officer
and the canine stabbed.
The canine came at our canineofficer with the knife and they
(17:55):
shot the suspect and then in theexchange of gunfire our canine
officer was shot in the leg orhis femur in half.
So the canine was injured andretreated and I saw the canine
run by me and they'll go towhere they're comfortable after
(18:16):
they're wounded like that.
The canine ran by me and theyhad those sort of like a latch
on the door where they couldflip it with their nose and he
went into the cruiser and wasall all cut up.
So we got an officer down andwe got the canine down.
So I ended up taking the caninevehicle and the canine to a
(18:43):
24-hour vet in the in the.
I remember the blizzard likethe.
I was trying to go code outthere but the lights were just
bouncing off the snow and Icouldn't see anything.
So I get the dog out there, wepull him out, they shave him
down.
He's got a bunch of wounds allover his, his head and his neck.
They patched him up prettyquick.
(19:04):
He did survive, and so did thecanine officer, but it wasn't
without, I think, a year ofrecovery for him to recover.
His leg ended up being, I think, about two inches shorter and
he had to have a bootmanufactured so that his gait
(19:27):
would be even so.
So, as good friends do, wecalled him Kiss Boot, like the
rock and roll band.
So we made a little joke out ofit.
That was a wild night.
And again you know, it wasabout a millimeter from his
femoral artery.
If that bullet had hit thefemoral artery, he'd have bled
out.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
I'm glad they made it through.
I was holding my breath.
I was like, please don't tellme they died.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
No, they didn't, they didn't.
Well, there's others.
I've been involved with anofficer involved shooting myself
.
It was a robbery that thesuspect was running police
officers over with a vehicle andwe shot him.
We had another armed hostageincident where an officer got
shot.
That was a mutual aid call inManchester and we were being
shot at.
(20:12):
But once again he knew rightwhere we were and he was laying
rounds all over the neighborhoodand it was one of our police
snipers that took a shot, aheadshot, and shot him when he
stuck his head out the window.
So all of those things andthere's others over the years
where I did all right with it.
(20:34):
For many years I held up prettygood.
It wasn't until years laterwhere I started getting some of
those symptoms that we'll talkabout.
And then all the other thingsin between working homicides,
you know, rape, child death,things like that.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
How often did you have to make in-the-moment
decisions?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
All the time, yeah, all the time.
East Hartford was just.
I don't think there was aweekend that would go by where
we weren't using, you know, ataser or pepper spray or some
sort of less lethal option toend an incident.
It wasn't a quiet town and Ikind of liked that at the time.
(21:21):
I liked that we were caught.
We really did the job, and sodid all the people that I worked
with.
I didn't realize the toll thatit was taking over time.
I just didn't see it.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Right.
Can you talk about then how thedefund the police movement also
changed things for you?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Oh yeah, it did a lot .
So toward the end of my careerI was running the training
division, which was all thefirearms, all the use of force,
taser, certifications, pistolrifle, heavily involved with
SWAT operations, things likethat and the defunding was real.
(22:08):
We ended up getting involvedwith a military surplus program.
You could get a lot ofequipment like everything that
you can think of from themilitary surplus, whether it was
weapons vehicles.
Some departments in Connecticuthad helicopters and airplanes
and things like that.
So when the defunding started,I was told you got to give
(22:31):
everything back.
So we were giving back our gunsand I had close to a hundred
guns, weapon systems and otherthings that we were using from
the military.
So that's where it started.
The budgets were being cut.
I watched my budget shrink.
So you're trying to kind ofpiece these things together so
that guys can stay at the top oftheir game.
(22:54):
Our training program was prettygood and it came from a long
line of people that did itbefore me, that passed it on to
me.
So when you take something likethat over, it's your job to
take it to the next level andpush it even harder.
We did a lot, a lot of trainingto very little, and it wasn't
long after that where qualifiedimmunity came into question and
(23:20):
the state legislatures inConnecticut voted for us to have
it removed.
And that was a big deal,because that means that law
enforcement police officers canbe sued personally and there was
a mass exodus up there inConnecticut.
(23:40):
There's only a couple of statesin the United States that don't
have qualified immunity.
I think Colorado is one of them, and Connecticut now, and that
was in the fall of 2020.
I remember asking my chief.
I said you know, if somethinggoes wrong and one of these kids
gets jammed up, you know, do Iget in trouble with them?
I'm one of the firearmsinstructors there.
(24:00):
We ended up reaching out to anattorney and the attorney said
yeah, you guys are all going tobe liable.
So that didn't work for me.
January of 2021, I retired fromEast Harvard and that was it for
Connecticut and that was it fora lot of people up there that I
knew that if they could leave,they left.
(24:22):
There's a mass exodus up there.
So you end up with a shortage.
You end up with a retentionproblem when you're trying to
fill those positions and keepthe street staff.
Keep your minimum staffingrequirements, your recruiting
requirements start to change.
Maybe you don't need a two-yeardegree anymore, or all you
(24:46):
really need is a high schooldiploma.
They were taking, in my opinion, people that don't belong out
there, and DEI is a very realthing and we hear about it a lot
in politics and on the newschannels, but you saw it
yourself when they tried toassassinate President Trump.
I mean, those folks had nobusiness being out there.
(25:07):
None, there's other people inlaw enforcement that are just
like that no business being outthere.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Were you ever in a situation where you witnessed
one of your officers and youwere like oh, that's, that's not
cool, how he's handling that.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
I don't know if it was any one person in specific.
I just noticed that, and itmight be an age thing too,
combined with lowering thestandards and I'm not saying
this is all but 20, 21,22-year-old kids that just put
down the Xbox controller anddecided to go to the police
academy might not be your bestcandidate.
(25:44):
They have no life experience.
They don't know how to handlethemselves, never mind trying to
handle somebody else.
I see it in their behavior whenthey're working at a scene or
at a call for service, and notall, not all, but more than I
saw when I was a young officerIf you weren't at the top of the
(26:06):
list the top you were not evengetting looked at to go out
there.
And that has changed.
I'm not saying all of them, buta lot.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Thank you.
Let's talk about Vero Beach.
This was a very pivotal momentfor you personally and
professionally, so I want to diginto that, because this is a
really important part of theepisode that I know you really
wanted to talk about.
So let's get right into that.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
So, vero, when we came down here from Connecticut
I didn't really have muchthought of doing the job again.
But my wife works at theairport for the city here, works
at the airport for the cityhere, and I got to talking to
one of our lieutenants.
You know we had talked a coupleof times and I was like, eh,
you know, I don't, I don't, Idon't know, I don't feel like I
(26:59):
want to do it.
So it was, I think at one ofthe air shows of the Blue Angels
were here and we got to talkinga little bit more.
And you know he says it's notlike that here and we get to
talking a little bit more.
And you know it's not like thathere.
You know different down hereand I did miss the job.
I cut it short and that'sreally what I enjoy doing.
It's my profession, it's in myblood.
(27:20):
So I did, I went for it and Ihad all my stuff transferred
down from Connecticut, all mycertifications, and they went
down to the academy here in FortPierce.
So I had to do a few things.
We did some shooting forcertification stuff purposes.
You take a state exam and thenyou're certified.
(27:43):
I like the idea of our governor, ron DeSantis, who is very
pro-law enforcement, and I knowthat he has our back.
He also gave me a hell of asign-on bonus too, so that
helped.
And then I went quickly throughthe process here in Vero.
(28:04):
I interviewed with them.
I think they were happy to havesomebody that had that kind of
background.
Some of them don't know like ifanybody ever hears this, but to
a lot of the younger kids I'mjust some old guy from
Connecticut and they're notwrong, I am an old guy from
Connecticut but I've been aroundand I've had a few things
happen.
So I thought that I could bringsomething to let them see how
(28:31):
the older generation did it, andI think they they like it.
I think the younger guys, nowthat they know me, I think they
appreciate what we're doing outthere.
So I spent some time out on thestreet.
I did about a year or so onnights and they were forming the
community policing unit.
I saw the job posting and Iforming the community policing
unit.
I saw the job posting and I haddone community policing in my
(28:54):
last career, but it was in thehousing project.
It's a little bit differentthan Ocean Drive here in Vero
Beach.
I had also learned that nobodyput in for it.
Nobody wanted to do it.
So I called up the deputy chief, I think, at the time and I
said well, what are you guysgoing to do?
He goes well, we're going toorder somebody to do it.
(29:15):
I said, no, no, you're going toget a terrible product.
So I said I'll do it for you.
I'll do it if you want.
So that's how that started forme and it worked out so good.
It was such a big hit with thecommunity that they wanted to
add a second officer.
So I had been talking with oneof the guys that I rode with
when I first started here inVero, richie.
(29:37):
I said you know you like this.
You're at the perfect spot inyour career and in your life to,
you know, take a break from theroad and try something a little
different.
So that was last February alittle over a year that Richie
joined me and we've been doingthe community policing thing
(29:57):
since between the beach, oceanDrive and downtown main street.
So that's how it started for mehere in Vera.
It just kind of happened.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Yeah, and I love it and that's how we connected.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, yeah, and we love the 14, we love.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
I'm going to shout out to the 1420 coffee house too
, because we love those guys yes, that is where we met and I
love seeing you all over thecommunity as well on your bikes.
You all are always very smilingand chit-chatting with people
and and it's also policing, butit's relationship building and
(30:32):
being present and there's somuch good on so many levels that
comes from this communitypolicing unit.
Can I ask you, then, what wasthe moment or the experience
that occurred when you realizedsomething's going on in me?
(30:54):
I can't fix it, it's not right.
I don't know how to fix it.
Where do I go?
Can you share that with us?
Speaker 2 (31:02):
Sure, that actually started before I came here.
It was toward the end of mycareer up north, where I was
having these different type ofsymptoms, particularly these
incapacitating panic attackswhere I thought I was having
some sort of stroke or heartattack.
And cops are so, yeah, we are.
(31:23):
We're so thick headed sometimesI didn't want to call an
ambulance.
So I drove myself to the ER upin Connecticut and I get in
there and I tell the doc, youknow I'm having a heart attack.
So he plugs me into all thisstuff, takes blood.
He goes Jeff, you're fine, Imean, it's you're, you're fine.
And I started telling him someof these other symptoms I was
(31:47):
having Out of nowhere headaches,headaches, night terrors, night
sweats, waking up, fighting,punching, ticking the wall,
breaking things all kinds ofthings that I couldn't account
for and I couldn't make themstop.
I guess you want to call itthat.
It was just boiling over.
All those things were in thereand I never did anything to
(32:09):
process them anything.
And it was coming outparticularly when I would be
sleeping and then if I was awakeit would be these waves of
these panic attacks.
I couldn't account for them,massive headaches.
I wouldn't be able to leave thehouse.
I thought at the time well,retirement will be a good idea,
(32:32):
I'll go forward and decompress.
It did subside a little when Ileft the job but I was still
having them.
It was all still happening andit was getting worse.
I'm an avid runner so I've runlong distance.
I do a lot of marathon running.
I stay pretty healthy.
But to sort of pacify it, I wasusing alcohol.
(32:53):
I was drinking, probably alittle too much, and I remember
going to my doctor here and Iwas telling her all the symptoms
that were continuing.
And she says you have everysingle symptom of post-traumatic
stress.
I don't have like the suicidepart of it.
I don't have that.
I'm too high on life, I likebeing alive.
(33:15):
I'm that kid that from a veryyoung age I was always excited
to be doing something.
But these other symptoms andthese other things, I just
couldn't make it stop.
It wouldn't stop.
She wanted to give me Lexapro orsomething like that and I'm
like I really want to takesomething for it.
So she wrote me theprescription.
(33:36):
I took it for about six months.
I didn't like it.
It's too many side effects,it's just not for me.
So an email came out at thepolice department at Vero Beach
PD and it was a sheepdog programthrough Emerald Health here in
Vero Beach and I remember seeingit and thinking I don't know
(33:59):
what that is.
But it wasn't too much longerafter that where I mentioned it
to Richie, the guy I work with,and he's kind of looking at me
and I said, well, he goes, well,I'm doing it.
I said, well, what are youdoing?
So he starts telling me aboutthis treatment that's out there
Now it's new, it's actuallybrand new type of treatment
(34:22):
that's out there and it's calledketamine therapy.
And he's telling me about itand I'm thinking I'm very
careful about what I put in mybody, like I didn't never heard
of anything like this.
I just know ketamine is like afashion drug or something.
I didn't know much about it.
So I thought about it for a fewmonths and the symptoms
persisted.
I made the move to go sit andtalk with them over at Emerald
(34:47):
Health.
I sat with the doctor there,chris, and he brought a service
dog in and the service dog kindof sniffs me and then kind of
walks away.
And I look at the doc, he goesyeah, you have post-traumatic
stress.
I guess the dog can sniff it.
I'm not really sure how the dogknew, but the dog knew and we
(35:08):
set it up.
It's six sessions ofintravenous ketamine treatment
in a controlled setting in thedoctor's office and then it's
followed by six sessions of liketalk therapy with a counselor.
They're great.
They're doing God's work.
I'm telling you that is alife-changing great.
(35:32):
They're doing God's work.
I'm telling you that is alife-changing life-changing
experiment.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
Yeah, for me that's awesome.
I love when somebody can findthe healing modality that works
for them.
You are actually my secondguest on the podcast who uses
ketamine as their healing go-toas well and, like you said, it's
in a very controlledenvironment administered by a
doctor, yada, yada.
So where are your symptoms nowbetween the ketamine and going
(35:59):
to therapy?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
They're gone Wow, it's.
And Richie, I asked himspecifically.
I said did it work?
Did it help you?
And I talked to his wife aboutit also, and it was him that
convinced me to do it, becausehe's not the kind of person
who's just going to do it.
And I would notice him.
How's he so good?
(36:21):
How's he been got 20 yearsdoing this stuff?
And he's, and he's so happy andjolly.
Now I know why he went and gothelp.
It takes you to a place.
It's a space.
It's like a reset.
It allows you to sort of likefile things away and see things
in a different perspective.
And it is a space when you'rethere.
(36:43):
It is a spot, it's a place thatyou go and you get to.
I'd like to say you actuallysee, God takes you to a place
and it allows you to sort ofdrains it all out.
It feels like it's being takenout of you.
Anybody who's been through anytraumatic experiences, whether
(37:04):
it's public safety guys ormilitary veterans, yourself this
is very effective.
Yourself, this is veryeffective, very effective
therapy.
I recommend it.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
So you went from dealing with something that had
like complete control of youright these PTSD symptoms and
basically through your ketaminetreatment you took control of
them and you let them go.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
Is that a good way to describe that?
Let them go?
Is that a good way to describethat?
Yes, it does.
It allows you to do that.
And I didn't stop there.
Adrian was part of a church andat this church they have a
sacrament there it's calledayahuasca and if you're part of
the church you can participatein the sacrament.
So he has suggested that to mealso.
Both of those guys, adrian andChris, the doctor and the
(37:55):
therapist that run everythingthey're former special forces
guys, so they've got a lot ofdifferent trauma that they've
got all packaged up.
He had suggested I go to thisretreat so I also did that as
well.
The ayahuasca treatment that isan experience for sure, very
(38:15):
healing.
It was right on the beach, itlooks like a little cup of gravy
and it's got ayahuasca root init and it's been used for
thousands of years to treatwarriors for post-traumatic
stress.
I guess they didn't call itthat back then.
But the problem with us is wedon't process it the right way.
(38:37):
We teach these guys how tofight and warriors how to kill
and things like that, but whatwe don't do is we don't teach
them how to work through it.
So this helps even further inhealing from it and processing
the things that you've beenthrough or had to do that sort
(38:57):
of thing.
Ketamine and the ayahuascathey're two very different
treatments, but I found that theayahuasca is really healing.
It definitely takes you to aplace in almost like your
subconscious to help you healand sort things out.
(39:18):
There was a lot of veteransthere.
There were some airline pilotsthere, a lot of medical
professionals there.
There's a limited number ofpeople, but that was the
majority of the people that werein this.
I guess you call it retreat.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Yeah, that is fascinating.
It's like oh, I guess you callit retreat.
Yeah, that is fascinating.
It's like oh, I want to trythat myself.
It sounds amazing.
So it sounds like you have anew lease on life.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
It's definitely.
I don't want to say it's amagic button, but if there's
somebody out there that'sstruggling, whether it's
somebody in law enforcementanywhere in public safety,
whether it's police lawenforcement anywhere in public
safety, whether it's police,fire dispatchers anywhere,
veterans and I don't get anymoney from these guys either.
I'm just saying this is what'sout there.
(40:04):
Whether you decide to use it ortake a look at it, depending on
how bad you're hurting, I foundit to be life-changing.
You do have to get thediagnosis, you have to sit in
there and if you don't get thediagnosis, then I'm not going to
give you a ketamine treatment.
Somebody's struggling.
You know the stigma that hasbeen around the profession since
(40:28):
I started.
It shouldn't be like thatanymore.
If you're involved with acritical incident and you're not
debriefing and handling itright away, or you're just
bottling it up and going on tothe next thing, it's going to
catch up.
It does.
It might take time, it mighttake years, even decades for me,
(40:48):
but it does show its face atsome point.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Well, your testament shows that it's never too late.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Right, right, and it's not.
It's not.
I know there's people out therethat have had it way harder
than I had, especially the guysthat are there at Emerald Health
Now.
These guys went through some,some wild things and they're all
doing.
They're all doing.
Well, I'm not saying it's not awork in progress because you
know you do have to stay at itand they'll have you come in
(41:16):
every maybe six months or so, ifyou want to, for like a booster
.
It kind of resets you with thetherapy, with the medicine.
Speaker 1 (41:25):
Do they take insurance?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Yeah, they do If you're part of a.
I forget which ones they take,but we're working on trying to
get them to take our insurancehere in Vero Beach.
I don't think we're quite thereyet, like the city taking
Emerald Health, but the sheepdogprogram allowed me to do it
through donations that came inat no cost to me and I believe
(41:49):
that that is out there still forothers.
There's still funding there forothers to go in.
The hardest part is justconvincing yourself that you're
going to go do it.
We don't like to admit thatwe're struggling, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
Yeah, the first step is admitting hey, there's
something wrong.
Right, that is definitely thefirst step.
Jeff, thank you for being myguest today on the I Need Blue
podcast.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
You're welcome.
Thanks for having me.
I'll see you around town too.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Sounds great.
I look forward to it.
This is Jen Lee, host of the INeed Blue podcast.
Survivor author.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you want to learn anythingand everything about the I Need
Blue podcast, please visit mywebsite, wwwineedbluenet.
And remember you are strongerthan you think.
(42:41):
Until next time.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
Thank you.
Imagine when you share your darkest hours they
become someone else's light.
I'm Jennifer Lee, a globalcommunity storyteller, host,
author and survivor, guiding youthrough genuine, unfiltered
conversations.
Together we break the silence,shatter stigma and amplify
(00:33):
voices that need to be heard.
Each episode stands as atestament to survival, healing
and reclaiming your power.
Listen to I Need Blue on ApplePodcasts, spotify, youtube or
your favorite platform.
Learn more at wwwineedbluenet.
(00:59):
Trigger warning I Need Blueshares real-life stories of
trauma, violence and abuse meantto empower and support.
Please take care of yourselfand ask for help if needed.
Now let's begin today's story.
It started with a ride-along.
(01:23):
It started with a ride-alongJust one college experience that
flipped the switch and set Jeffon a lifelong mission to serve
and protect.
That ride happened over 26years ago, but its impact still
(01:43):
echoes today.
Back then, in the heart ofConnecticut, jeff entered the
police academy A grueling,almost two-year journey filled
with relentless testing, intensetraining and a single goal To
select only the best Out of2,500 applicants.
Jeff was one of just eightchosen.
That moment shaped the courseof his life.
(02:07):
Fast forward more than twodecades and the landscape of law
enforcement looks vastlydifferent.
In this raw and honestconversation, jeff gives us an
unfiltered look into theevolution of policing from the
inside out.
We explore the ripple effectsof defunding, the decline in
(02:29):
applicants, and the deepemotional, mental and physical
price paid by those in uniformNow serving in Vero Beach,
florida.
Jeff is a police officerassigned to a specialized unit
as a community officer.
Since coming to Vero Beach,jeff's story takes a surprising
(02:50):
turn.
What started as a professionalshift became something deeply
personal.
The move became a turning pointnot just in his career but in
his healing.
Not just in his career, but inhis healing.
For years, jeff carried silentstruggles he couldn't name and
(03:11):
didn't know how to address.
Until one day everything beganto make sense.
In this episode we go beyondthe badge.
Jeff opens up about hisdiagnosis, his journey toward
treatment and the hard-earnedwisdom he's gained.
His words offer strength,validation and hope to every
(03:32):
first responder quietly carryingthe weight of the world.
This one's for the warriors whonever remove their armor, even
when it's heavy.
Who never remove their armoreven when it's heavy.
Jeff, thank you for all you do.
Thank you for being my guesttoday and welcome to the I Need
(03:53):
Blue podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Thank you.
Thanks for having me on.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Of course it's my honor.
I'm so glad that we actuallyhave had the opportunity to meet
in chat a little, so I lovethat.
You enthusiastically gave meyour card and said I would love
to come and share, even thoughthis is something you have not
done before Never.
How are you feeling about it?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
I feel good about it.
I think that, uh, sometimesthings play out the way they
should.
You know, never thought aboutdoing anything like that, but
from where I came from and whereI am now, I think maybe sharing
the story may help other people.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Absolutely.
I have no doubt that it will.
I also do believe that Godalways picks the perfect time
that we are supposed to connectRight Before we start.
You have a special message forour audience.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah.
So if anybody would like toreach out to me law enforcement
guys, folks like that, tend tobe pretty private.
You know my full name is JeffOtis O-T-I-S.
I work for Hero Beach PD.
You can email me.
I can even give you my contactinformation if you want to reach
out and call.
But I can say that you know ifyou're struggling, there is help
(05:13):
and you can still.
You can get that help and youcan still stay on the job and be
very effective, because if yourmental health isn't there and
you're not taking care ofyourself, you're not going to be
able to take care of anybody.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Perfect.
Thank you for providing that tothem.
Now, in your introduction, wetalk about your ride-along,
which I've had the pleasure ofbeing on one or two of those.
Tell me about this firstride-along that you were on.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
So when I was in the Army National Guard, one of my
lieutenants was a Hartfordpolice officer and we would talk
all the time and I wasinitially going to go into the
teaching program in college andbe a school teacher and we would
talk and you know, you shouldcome on a ride along with me,
(06:03):
you might like it.
And I can still remember someof the calls that we were on.
I mean, we were adrenaline kidsand I was an outdoor kid.
I call ourselves streetlightkids.
We were always outside anddoing some sort of activity
sports, bmx, bikes, things likethat and I noticed these guys
were.
They weren't confined to anoffice or a room and there was
(06:26):
some action.
But it wasn't necessarily justthat.
It was the way they handledthemselves and how they handled
people and how they interactedwith you know their community.
So some of the calls we were onwere interesting, you know.
I remember one specificallywhere they were trying to
convince somebody to take theirinsulin for diabetes.
(06:47):
It was just talking to them andtreating them like a human
being and not somebody that'sbeneath them.
I liked that they wereprofessionals.
So that that is what did it forme.
I well, I don't think it was aweek later and I switched my
major to the criminal justiceprogram, and that's how it
(07:08):
started for me.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
That's awesome, and tell us a little bit about the
hiring process, the training,things like that, because then
we want to talk about how thatis different today.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Right.
So back then, especially up inthe northeast in New England
where I came from, it was a verycompetitive process and a lot
of people were looking to getthat job.
When I was in high school, youknow, we were kind of rock and
roll kids, gearhead kids,skateboarders and I remember
(07:42):
being in class and two or threeEast Hartford police officers
came into the classroom and theywere looking for kids to be
police explorers and I didn'traise my hand, you know, because
, like I said, I would have nofriends in high school, but I
was interested even back then.
That sounds cool.
And I remember they saidsomething to the effect of the
(08:06):
job it's a good job and somedayeverybody's going to want it.
And they were right.
Because even when I was incollege, you know, I took the
test for East Hartford alone andI remember showing up at the
East Hartford High School, whichis where I went, and there was
over 2000 people there takingthe physical agility portion and
(08:29):
then from there you were gradedand if you pass that, you went
to the written exam and Iremember looking around thinking
this is crazy, it's likeplaying the lottery.
I never thought it was going tohappen.
I took the test anyway, and Ihadn't even graduated college
yet and this was probably inearly spring of 1997.
(08:52):
And it wouldn't be until Augustof 1998 where I would get the
phone call to go through therest of the testing process to
get sworn in basically.
So it was the polygraph, apsychological examination, a
regular physical, a couple moreinterviews and then a final
(09:15):
interview with the chief and hisstaff before you get the nod
and kind of welcome to the clubkind of thing.
And I started the policeacademy in August of 98.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Wow, you know and one of the things when I talk about
I Need Blue and I share that Iinclude our first responders in
the conversation that's alwaysfollowed up by.
They witness things that you orI could not possibly imagine
and they do this day in, day out, over and over again.
Would you like to share some ofthe calls that you have been on
(09:54):
to maybe give a little insightto our audience?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah.
So one thing I didn't sharewith you is my career started
with trauma.
So while I was on FTO, which isfield training, one of my
friends who we were friendsbefore we became police officers
we took the same test.
He happened to get hired aboutsix months before I did, while
(10:19):
on FTO.
He responded to a noisecomplaint and he was shot and
killed.
So that's how my career started,with a funeral.
We knew that those were therisks.
We were probably a little naive, you know like no, it's my
hometown, it's East Hartford,it's a busy enough city, but
(10:41):
things like that weren'thappening at that time and no
police officer in East Hartfordhad been shot and killed before
then and has not been shot andkilled since then.
So it started with the funeral.
And you know I was still goodfriends with his brother John.
That changed everything for mefrom the very beginning.
(11:06):
Like I said, you're preparedfor those things, but when it
hits that close it's a friend ofyours and you see what it does
to the family Over the years itdoes change the way you operate
out there very quickly.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
I mean essentially, you begin your career already
having to have faced the worstcase scenario of your job.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Yeah, it was a long week because the suspect was at
large for a while.
So we were all at work for daysand days on end and it has
maybe some positives to itbecause it did bring like the
community together and it bringsthe police department closer,
(11:50):
you know, and you put some ofthe petty differences aside, at
least for a while.
But if you work in an agencythat's not sort of I don't want
to say used to that, but thelarger agencies where officers
are shot more often, thischanged the police department
forever.
It never goes back to the same.
So my group of people that Istarted with, we had a very
(12:15):
different perspective on the job.
We never let our guard down.
We were always hypervigilant,always hypervigilant.
And I think that's sort ofwhere that started for me is not
processing some of that trauma,because you know, I was there,
I saw him, I was part of it.
So you don't really get tolearn how to process those
(12:39):
things the right way.
You just get told basically,hold it in, suck it up, kid, and
you debrief in a bar, and wedid that for years.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Are you comfortable saying his name, and we'll honor
his memory.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
Brian Asselton.
Yeah, Brian Asselton.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Okay, so when we also honor him and his service while
we speak today, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
So you know I can say that there's not very many days
that go by where I don't thinkabout him because he was cut
down early, 25 or 26 years old,even when I was going through my
career there.
I would think I wonder whathe'd be doing.
Would he be on SWAT team withme?
Would he be here or there?
Would he have gotten marriedand had a family?
(13:23):
When you hit milestones in yourlife, I would think about that,
but he never got to do any ofthat.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
Right, I can't imagine.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
So it affects you personally when something like
that happens, and it wouldn'tstop there.
This would be a recurring themefor my career.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
It's remarkable that you still continued on and I
know later on we'll talk aboutthe mental health issues as well
and what would you say is themost dangerous call that you
have been on.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
There's a few.
So I would say it was anotherofficer down call and it was a
Newington police officer, whichis where Brian Azleton's's
brother, john Asselton, worked.
We get the call for mutual aidthat there was a barricaded
suspect in a house that had shota Newington police officer.
(14:20):
So mutual aid means multipletowns are going to come and
assist.
Newington was a smaller policedepartment so they had a
perimeter set and we had acommand post and I could hear
the gunshots up on top of thehill so I knew it was a very
active scene.
So as I'm going up the hillwith another guy, the
(14:44):
floodlights on the houses werelighting up and showing our
locations.
So I was taking my rifle andpoking out all the lights so
that they wouldn't backlight usas we were going up.
And this is in the middle ofwinter and it was cold it was
(15:04):
really cold that night and itjust so happens that there was
construction being done acrossthe street and there was a big
bulldozer across the street fromthis house and that's good
cover, and I might have been nowmaybe 30 or 40 yards from the
front of this house and this guywas in the basement with
(15:29):
thousands of rounds ofammunition and he was shooting
through the little concreteslits in the foundation.
So in the north the foundationspoke up out of the ground and
there's usually these littlewindows, so he was shooting from
those.
So you really couldn't get agood shot.
(15:50):
But he knew right where all ofus were.
So he was making sure that heput enough rounds in each
direction so that if we tried tomake an approach we would get
hit.
There were some snipers, somepolice snipers that were set up.
There was a lot of shots, a lotof exchange of gunfire that
(16:10):
night.
The suspect was hit a few timesin the extremities but it
wasn't enough to stop him.
This is hours going by.
A SWAT team actually tried tomake entry.
They couldn't make the entrybecause he shot through the
floor.
As the night went on, we had arobot come and drag a fire hose
(16:33):
and stuff the fire hose into theconcrete slit and we turned it
on and flooded the basement andas the basement was filling with
water like a swimming pool, heshot and killed himself.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yes.
So Pete Lavery Officer.
Pete Lavery was in the basementas well.
We knew that he was diseasedbecause we had the robot and we
could see that there was nosigns of life there.
So we knew that it was going tobe a recovery and not a rescue.
So that gave us the opportunityto end it.
So we did, we flooded it and hekilled himself.
(17:12):
So those circumstances wouldfollow me around for a couple
more calls.
There was another one not toolong after that where a suspect
called he called 911 on himselffor a sexual assault warrant.
We thought that was kind of odd.
(17:33):
This is in the middle of ablizzard, so as we get there we
can hear screaming on the insideof the house.
So as a canine officer and afew others go in, I happen to be
in front on perimeter and theguy came at the canine officer
and the canine stabbed.
The canine came at our canineofficer with the knife and they
(17:55):
shot the suspect and then in theexchange of gunfire our canine
officer was shot in the leg orhis femur in half.
So the canine was injured andretreated and I saw the canine
run by me and they'll go towhere they're comfortable after
(18:16):
they're wounded like that.
The canine ran by me and theyhad those sort of like a latch
on the door where they couldflip it with their nose and he
went into the cruiser and wasall all cut up.
So we got an officer down andwe got the canine down.
So I ended up taking the caninevehicle and the canine to a
(18:43):
24-hour vet in the in the.
I remember the blizzard likethe.
I was trying to go code outthere but the lights were just
bouncing off the snow and Icouldn't see anything.
So I get the dog out there, wepull him out, they shave him
down.
He's got a bunch of wounds allover his, his head and his neck.
They patched him up prettyquick.
(19:04):
He did survive, and so did thecanine officer, but it wasn't
without, I think, a year ofrecovery for him to recover.
His leg ended up being, I think, about two inches shorter and
he had to have a bootmanufactured so that his gait
(19:27):
would be even so.
So, as good friends do, wecalled him Kiss Boot, like the
rock and roll band.
So we made a little joke out ofit.
That was a wild night.
And again you know, it wasabout a millimeter from his
femoral artery.
If that bullet had hit thefemoral artery, he'd have bled
out.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
I'm glad they made it through.
I was holding my breath.
I was like, please don't tellme they died.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
No, they didn't, they didn't.
Well, there's others.
I've been involved with anofficer involved shooting myself
.
It was a robbery that thesuspect was running police
officers over with a vehicle andwe shot him.
We had another armed hostageincident where an officer got
shot.
That was a mutual aid call inManchester and we were being
shot at.
(20:12):
But once again he knew rightwhere we were and he was laying
rounds all over the neighborhoodand it was one of our police
snipers that took a shot, aheadshot, and shot him when he
stuck his head out the window.
So all of those things andthere's others over the years
where I did all right with it.
(20:34):
For many years I held up prettygood.
It wasn't until years laterwhere I started getting some of
those symptoms that we'll talkabout.
And then all the other thingsin between working homicides,
you know, rape, child death,things like that.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
How often did you have to make in-the-moment
decisions?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
All the time, yeah, all the time.
East Hartford was just.
I don't think there was aweekend that would go by where
we weren't using, you know, ataser or pepper spray or some
sort of less lethal option toend an incident.
It wasn't a quiet town and Ikind of liked that at the time.
(21:21):
I liked that we were caught.
We really did the job, and sodid all the people that I worked
with.
I didn't realize the toll thatit was taking over time.
I just didn't see it.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Right.
Can you talk about then how thedefund the police movement also
changed things for you?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Oh yeah, it did a lot .
So toward the end of my careerI was running the training
division, which was all thefirearms, all the use of force,
taser, certifications, pistolrifle, heavily involved with
SWAT operations, things likethat and the defunding was real.
(22:08):
We ended up getting involvedwith a military surplus program.
You could get a lot ofequipment like everything that
you can think of from themilitary surplus, whether it was
weapons vehicles.
Some departments in Connecticuthad helicopters and airplanes
and things like that.
So when the defunding started,I was told you got to give
(22:31):
everything back.
So we were giving back our gunsand I had close to a hundred
guns, weapon systems and otherthings that we were using from
the military.
So that's where it started.
The budgets were being cut.
I watched my budget shrink.
So you're trying to kind ofpiece these things together so
that guys can stay at the top oftheir game.
(22:54):
Our training program was prettygood and it came from a long
line of people that did itbefore me, that passed it on to
me.
So when you take something likethat over, it's your job to
take it to the next level andpush it even harder.
We did a lot, a lot of trainingto very little, and it wasn't
long after that where qualifiedimmunity came into question and
(23:20):
the state legislatures inConnecticut voted for us to have
it removed.
And that was a big deal,because that means that law
enforcement police officers canbe sued personally and there was
a mass exodus up there inConnecticut.
(23:40):
There's only a couple of statesin the United States that don't
have qualified immunity.
I think Colorado is one of them, and Connecticut now, and that
was in the fall of 2020.
I remember asking my chief.
I said you know, if somethinggoes wrong and one of these kids
gets jammed up, you know, do Iget in trouble with them?
I'm one of the firearmsinstructors there.
(24:00):
We ended up reaching out to anattorney and the attorney said
yeah, you guys are all going tobe liable.
So that didn't work for me.
January of 2021, I retired fromEast Harvard and that was it for
Connecticut and that was it fora lot of people up there that I
knew that if they could leave,they left.
(24:22):
There's a mass exodus up there.
So you end up with a shortage.
You end up with a retentionproblem when you're trying to
fill those positions and keepthe street staff.
Keep your minimum staffingrequirements, your recruiting
requirements start to change.
Maybe you don't need a two-yeardegree anymore, or all you
(24:46):
really need is a high schooldiploma.
They were taking, in my opinion, people that don't belong out
there, and DEI is a very realthing and we hear about it a lot
in politics and on the newschannels, but you saw it
yourself when they tried toassassinate President Trump.
I mean, those folks had nobusiness being out there.
(25:07):
None, there's other people inlaw enforcement that are just
like that no business being outthere.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Were you ever in a situation where you witnessed
one of your officers and youwere like oh, that's, that's not
cool, how he's handling that.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
I don't know if it was any one person in specific.
I just noticed that, and itmight be an age thing too,
combined with lowering thestandards and I'm not saying
this is all but 20, 21,22-year-old kids that just put
down the Xbox controller anddecided to go to the police
academy might not be your bestcandidate.
(25:44):
They have no life experience.
They don't know how to handlethemselves, never mind trying to
handle somebody else.
I see it in their behavior whenthey're working at a scene or
at a call for service, and notall, not all, but more than I
saw when I was a young officerIf you weren't at the top of the
(26:06):
list the top you were not evengetting looked at to go out
there.
And that has changed.
I'm not saying all of them, buta lot.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Thank you.
Let's talk about Vero Beach.
This was a very pivotal momentfor you personally and
professionally, so I want to diginto that, because this is a
really important part of theepisode that I know you really
wanted to talk about.
So let's get right into that.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
So, vero, when we came down here from Connecticut
I didn't really have muchthought of doing the job again.
But my wife works at theairport for the city here, works
at the airport for the cityhere, and I got to talking to
one of our lieutenants.
You know we had talked a coupleof times and I was like, eh,
you know, I don't, I don't, Idon't know, I don't feel like I
(26:59):
want to do it.
So it was, I think at one ofthe air shows of the Blue Angels
were here and we got to talkinga little bit more.
And you know he says it's notlike that here and we get to
talking a little bit more.
And you know it's not like thathere.
You know different down hereand I did miss the job.
I cut it short and that'sreally what I enjoy doing.
It's my profession, it's in myblood.
(27:20):
So I did, I went for it and Ihad all my stuff transferred
down from Connecticut, all mycertifications, and they went
down to the academy here in FortPierce.
So I had to do a few things.
We did some shooting forcertification stuff purposes.
You take a state exam and thenyou're certified.
(27:43):
I like the idea of our governor, ron DeSantis, who is very
pro-law enforcement, and I knowthat he has our back.
He also gave me a hell of asign-on bonus too, so that
helped.
And then I went quickly throughthe process here in Vero.
(28:04):
I interviewed with them.
I think they were happy to havesomebody that had that kind of
background.
Some of them don't know like ifanybody ever hears this, but to
a lot of the younger kids I'mjust some old guy from
Connecticut and they're notwrong, I am an old guy from
Connecticut but I've been aroundand I've had a few things
happen.
So I thought that I could bringsomething to let them see how
(28:31):
the older generation did it, andI think they they like it.
I think the younger guys, nowthat they know me, I think they
appreciate what we're doing outthere.
So I spent some time out on thestreet.
I did about a year or so onnights and they were forming the
community policing unit.
I saw the job posting and Iforming the community policing
unit.
I saw the job posting and I haddone community policing in my
(28:54):
last career, but it was in thehousing project.
It's a little bit differentthan Ocean Drive here in Vero
Beach.
I had also learned that nobodyput in for it.
Nobody wanted to do it.
So I called up the deputy chief, I think, at the time and I
said well, what are you guysgoing to do?
He goes well, we're going toorder somebody to do it.
(29:15):
I said, no, no, you're going toget a terrible product.
So I said I'll do it for you.
I'll do it if you want.
So that's how that started forme and it worked out so good.
It was such a big hit with thecommunity that they wanted to
add a second officer.
So I had been talking with oneof the guys that I rode with
when I first started here inVero, richie.
(29:37):
I said you know you like this.
You're at the perfect spot inyour career and in your life to,
you know, take a break from theroad and try something a little
different.
So that was last February alittle over a year that Richie
joined me and we've been doingthe community policing thing
(29:57):
since between the beach, oceanDrive and downtown main street.
So that's how it started for mehere in Vera.
It just kind of happened.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Yeah, and I love it and that's how we connected.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, yeah, and we love the 14, we love.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
I'm going to shout out to the 1420 coffee house too
, because we love those guys yes, that is where we met and I
love seeing you all over thecommunity as well on your bikes.
You all are always very smilingand chit-chatting with people
and and it's also policing, butit's relationship building and
(30:32):
being present and there's somuch good on so many levels that
comes from this communitypolicing unit.
Can I ask you, then, what wasthe moment or the experience
that occurred when you realizedsomething's going on in me?
(30:54):
I can't fix it, it's not right.
I don't know how to fix it.
Where do I go?
Can you share that with us?
Speaker 2 (31:02):
Sure, that actually started before I came here.
It was toward the end of mycareer up north, where I was
having these different type ofsymptoms, particularly these
incapacitating panic attackswhere I thought I was having
some sort of stroke or heartattack.
And cops are so, yeah, we are.
(31:23):
We're so thick headed sometimesI didn't want to call an
ambulance.
So I drove myself to the ER upin Connecticut and I get in
there and I tell the doc, youknow I'm having a heart attack.
So he plugs me into all thisstuff, takes blood.
He goes Jeff, you're fine, Imean, it's you're, you're fine.
And I started telling him someof these other symptoms I was
(31:47):
having Out of nowhere headaches,headaches, night terrors, night
sweats, waking up, fighting,punching, ticking the wall,
breaking things all kinds ofthings that I couldn't account
for and I couldn't make themstop.
I guess you want to call itthat.
It was just boiling over.
All those things were in thereand I never did anything to
(32:09):
process them anything.
And it was coming outparticularly when I would be
sleeping and then if I was awakeit would be these waves of
these panic attacks.
I couldn't account for them,massive headaches.
I wouldn't be able to leave thehouse.
I thought at the time well,retirement will be a good idea,
(32:32):
I'll go forward and decompress.
It did subside a little when Ileft the job but I was still
having them.
It was all still happening andit was getting worse.
I'm an avid runner so I've runlong distance.
I do a lot of marathon running.
I stay pretty healthy.
But to sort of pacify it, I wasusing alcohol.
(32:53):
I was drinking, probably alittle too much, and I remember
going to my doctor here and Iwas telling her all the symptoms
that were continuing.
And she says you have everysingle symptom of post-traumatic
stress.
I don't have like the suicidepart of it.
I don't have that.
I'm too high on life, I likebeing alive.
(33:15):
I'm that kid that from a veryyoung age I was always excited
to be doing something.
But these other symptoms andthese other things, I just
couldn't make it stop.
It wouldn't stop.
She wanted to give me Lexapro orsomething like that and I'm
like I really want to takesomething for it.
So she wrote me theprescription.
(33:36):
I took it for about six months.
I didn't like it.
It's too many side effects,it's just not for me.
So an email came out at thepolice department at Vero Beach
PD and it was a sheepdog programthrough Emerald Health here in
Vero Beach and I remember seeingit and thinking I don't know
(33:59):
what that is.
But it wasn't too much longerafter that where I mentioned it
to Richie, the guy I work with,and he's kind of looking at me
and I said, well, he goes, well,I'm doing it.
I said, well, what are youdoing?
So he starts telling me aboutthis treatment that's out there
Now it's new, it's actuallybrand new type of treatment
(34:22):
that's out there and it's calledketamine therapy.
And he's telling me about itand I'm thinking I'm very
careful about what I put in mybody, like I didn't never heard
of anything like this.
I just know ketamine is like afashion drug or something.
I didn't know much about it.
So I thought about it for a fewmonths and the symptoms
persisted.
I made the move to go sit andtalk with them over at Emerald
(34:47):
Health.
I sat with the doctor there,chris, and he brought a service
dog in and the service dog kindof sniffs me and then kind of
walks away.
And I look at the doc, he goesyeah, you have post-traumatic
stress.
I guess the dog can sniff it.
I'm not really sure how the dogknew, but the dog knew and we
(35:08):
set it up.
It's six sessions ofintravenous ketamine treatment
in a controlled setting in thedoctor's office and then it's
followed by six sessions of liketalk therapy with a counselor.
They're great.
They're doing God's work.
I'm telling you that is alife-changing great.
(35:32):
They're doing God's work.
I'm telling you that is alife-changing life-changing
experiment.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
Yeah, for me that's awesome.
I love when somebody can findthe healing modality that works
for them.
You are actually my secondguest on the podcast who uses
ketamine as their healing go-toas well and, like you said, it's
in a very controlledenvironment administered by a
doctor, yada, yada.
So where are your symptoms nowbetween the ketamine and going
(35:59):
to therapy?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
They're gone Wow, it's.
And Richie, I asked himspecifically.
I said did it work?
Did it help you?
And I talked to his wife aboutit also, and it was him that
convinced me to do it, becausehe's not the kind of person
who's just going to do it.
And I would notice him.
How's he so good?
(36:21):
How's he been got 20 yearsdoing this stuff?
And he's, and he's so happy andjolly.
Now I know why he went and gothelp.
It takes you to a place.
It's a space.
It's like a reset.
It allows you to sort of likefile things away and see things
in a different perspective.
And it is a space when you'rethere.
(36:43):
It is a spot, it's a place thatyou go and you get to.
I'd like to say you actuallysee, God takes you to a place
and it allows you to sort ofdrains it all out.
It feels like it's being takenout of you.
Anybody who's been through anytraumatic experiences, whether
(37:04):
it's public safety guys ormilitary veterans, yourself this
is very effective.
Yourself, this is veryeffective, very effective
therapy.
I recommend it.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
So you went from dealing with something that had
like complete control of youright these PTSD symptoms and
basically through your ketaminetreatment you took control of
them and you let them go.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
Is that a good way to describe that?
Let them go?
Is that a good way to describethat?
Yes, it does.
It allows you to do that.
And I didn't stop there.
Adrian was part of a church andat this church they have a
sacrament there it's calledayahuasca and if you're part of
the church you can participatein the sacrament.
So he has suggested that to mealso.
Both of those guys, adrian andChris, the doctor and the
(37:55):
therapist that run everythingthey're former special forces
guys, so they've got a lot ofdifferent trauma that they've
got all packaged up.
He had suggested I go to thisretreat so I also did that as
well.
The ayahuasca treatment that isan experience for sure, very
(38:15):
healing.
It was right on the beach, itlooks like a little cup of gravy
and it's got ayahuasca root init and it's been used for
thousands of years to treatwarriors for post-traumatic
stress.
I guess they didn't call itthat back then.
But the problem with us is wedon't process it the right way.
(38:37):
We teach these guys how tofight and warriors how to kill
and things like that, but whatwe don't do is we don't teach
them how to work through it.
So this helps even further inhealing from it and processing
the things that you've beenthrough or had to do that sort
(38:57):
of thing.
Ketamine and the ayahuascathey're two very different
treatments, but I found that theayahuasca is really healing.
It definitely takes you to aplace in almost like your
subconscious to help you healand sort things out.
(39:18):
There was a lot of veteransthere.
There were some airline pilotsthere, a lot of medical
professionals there.
There's a limited number ofpeople, but that was the
majority of the people that werein this.
I guess you call it retreat.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Yeah, that is fascinating.
It's like oh, I guess you callit retreat.
Yeah, that is fascinating.
It's like oh, I want to trythat myself.
It sounds amazing.
So it sounds like you have anew lease on life.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
It's definitely.
I don't want to say it's amagic button, but if there's
somebody out there that'sstruggling, whether it's
somebody in law enforcementanywhere in public safety,
whether it's police lawenforcement anywhere in public
safety, whether it's police,fire dispatchers anywhere,
veterans and I don't get anymoney from these guys either.
I'm just saying this is what'sout there.
(40:04):
Whether you decide to use it ortake a look at it, depending on
how bad you're hurting, I foundit to be life-changing.
You do have to get thediagnosis, you have to sit in
there and if you don't get thediagnosis, then I'm not going to
give you a ketamine treatment.
Somebody's struggling.
You know the stigma that hasbeen around the profession since
(40:28):
I started.
It shouldn't be like thatanymore.
If you're involved with acritical incident and you're not
debriefing and handling itright away, or you're just
bottling it up and going on tothe next thing, it's going to
catch up.
It does.
It might take time, it mighttake years, even decades for me,
(40:48):
but it does show its face atsome point.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Well, your testament shows that it's never too late.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Right, right, and it's not.
It's not.
I know there's people out therethat have had it way harder
than I had, especially the guysthat are there at Emerald Health
Now.
These guys went through some,some wild things and they're all
doing.
They're all doing.
Well, I'm not saying it's not awork in progress because you
know you do have to stay at itand they'll have you come in
(41:16):
every maybe six months or so, ifyou want to, for like a booster
.
It kind of resets you with thetherapy, with the medicine.
Speaker 1 (41:25):
Do they take insurance?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Yeah, they do If you're part of a.
I forget which ones they take,but we're working on trying to
get them to take our insurancehere in Vero Beach.
I don't think we're quite thereyet, like the city taking
Emerald Health, but the sheepdogprogram allowed me to do it
through donations that came inat no cost to me and I believe
(41:49):
that that is out there still forothers.
There's still funding there forothers to go in.
The hardest part is justconvincing yourself that you're
going to go do it.
We don't like to admit thatwe're struggling, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
Yeah, the first step is admitting hey, there's
something wrong.
Right, that is definitely thefirst step.
Jeff, thank you for being myguest today on the I Need Blue
podcast.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
You're welcome.
Thanks for having me.
I'll see you around town too.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Sounds great.
I look forward to it.
This is Jen Lee, host of the INeed Blue podcast.
Survivor author.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you want to learn anythingand everything about the I Need
Blue podcast, please visit mywebsite, wwwineedbluenet.
And remember you are strongerthan you think.
(42:41):
Until next time.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
Thank you.
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