November 4, 2024 • 34 mins
Maria shares her heart-wrenching journey of family estrangement, offering an intimate look at the emotional toll of being excluded from her grandchildren’s lives due to controlling dynamics in her daughter’s marriage. Struggling with feelings of shame and failure, Maria confronts the painful gap between cherished memories and the harsh reality of isolation.
This heartfelt conversation celebrates the strength of motherhood and the resilience of the human spirit, inspiring hope for healing and the possibility of mending broken relationships. Tune in for a powerful exploration of family, loss, and the potential for reconciliation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Everyone has a story.
They just don't always have aplace to share it.
Welcome to I Need Blue, thepodcast about to take you on an
(00:22):
extraordinary journey whereprofound narratives come to life
, one captivating episode at atime.
I'm your host, jennifer Lee,and I founded this podcast
because I know there is healingand sharing.
Each story you will hear sharedon this podcast is a testament
to our collective strength,innate ability to transform in
(00:45):
the incredible power of healing.
Please remember you are neveralone.
Please visit and share mywebsite with those seeking
connection and inspirationwwwineedbluenet.
Thank you, char Good, forcomposing and performing the
introduction medley for I NeedBlue.
(01:07):
You can find information aboutChar on her website,
wwwchargoodcom.
Before starting today's episode,I must provide a trigger
warning.
I Need Blue features graphicthemes, including, but not
limited to, violence, abuse andmurder, and may not be suitable
for all listeners.
(01:28):
Please take care of yourselfand don't hesitate to ask for
help if you need it.
Now let's get started withtoday's story Grandparent
alienation.
Alienation that is the topic oftoday's episode.
(01:51):
The term grandparent alienationis a significant one,
resonating deeply with so manyfamilies.
My friend and guest, maria, ishere today to share her journey
which, though filled withheartbreak has been inspiring.
She has turned her pain into acrucial mission to help others,
(02:12):
all while navigating the deephurt of being separated from her
daughter and grandchildren, oneof whom she's never even met.
As she shares this deep secretand the emotional turmoil
attached to it, she becomes avoice for others.
Thank you.
(02:32):
Despite living in the same city, the barriers she faced aren't
logistical.
They're rooted in herdaughter's husband and
mother-in-law's selfish control.
Today, we're peeling back thelayers of this intricate issue,
illuminating a topic that manysuffer in silence.
(02:56):
It was decided to change namesfor the safety of others.
Maria, thank you for trustingme to share this very present
journey on the I Need Bluepodcast.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh, absolutely.
You know, I wanted to share alittle backstory.
You contacted me, you called mein November and you said Jen, I
have something very heavy in myheart and I would like to share
it on your podcast.
And of course I had to put mypodcast in pause, but now we're
back.
So I reached back out and youwere like yes, I definitely want
(03:36):
to share this story and,interestingly enough, in that
time I've just now that I'm in anew community, I've met new
people and I'm finding that thistruly is more common than we
think, but it's not reallytalked about, and so I
appreciate you being here.
I would like to kind of dive inand talk about what this
(03:57):
journey has been like for youand, if we could, can we kind of
start from the beginning, maybewhen your daughter started
dating her now husband, and howthat relationship evolved?
Sure Can.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
I go back just a little bit further for
comparison.
She's been in a long-termrelationship before this one a
long-term relationship beforethis one and I'm going to tell
you that the relationship withher then boyfriend was fabulous.
We got along well, we had anice bond with his entire family
(04:35):
and that relationship lastedseveral years.
My daughter also would call meon a daily basis while she was
in that relationship just tocheck in, mom, how you doing,
either on her way to work orwhen she woke up in the morning.
So we had a great relationshipup to that point.
She was in her early 20s whenshe met Mark and just noticed
(04:59):
some things changed.
He was very different from theother types of gentlemen that
she had relationships with.
I find myself making notes forthis interview and feeling as
though I need to justify.
I didn't do something wrong,I'm not a terrible person.
And I caught myself and I foundthat I'm not a terrible person
(05:22):
and I'm not a terrible parent.
And this has been going on formany years, close to seven years
.
I've kept quiet for so long.
Finally getting to the pointwhere I reconciled that she
wasn't in my life is when Istarted talking about it, and
that's when I started learningthat there are so many other
(05:44):
women and men who areexperiencing this exact same
pain, this hollowness, thisexclusion, and it is incredibly
heartbreaking as a failure, as aparent, especially when they
(06:07):
invested so much of their livesin making a good life for their
children and a good upbringingand so forth.
We just shame ourselves intosilence.
I felt that, talking to you andto your listeners, hopefully
I'm going to be able to helpother people feel better, going
to be able to help other peoplefeel better.
(06:28):
I don't have any solutions,unfortunately, but I'm really
hoping that knowing that you'renot the only one I know that
made me feel so much better,knowing that I was not the only
person out there going throughthis hell.
My child is alive and does notwant me in their life, and
that's just really somethingthat's difficult to reconcile.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, as parents, we lookforward to watching our children
grow and go to college or havea job or a career, whatever
their path is.
You know, there's likecuriosity for a parent as to,
you know, what are they going todo and, of course, the marriage
and the kids and all of thoseother things.
And as grandparents, we lookforward to being able to
(07:11):
experience that alongside themand when that notion of, okay, I
get to be a grandparent, youknow, spoil them and just the
way that our parents spoiled ourkids, and then to realize, oh,
that's not going to happen andyou're not prepared for it,
right?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And that's it.
I always look forward to myfamily growing, my daughters
getting married and theirhusbands and their children, and
the big holiday gatherings andmaking sure my house was big
enough for when my kids hadfamilies and I guess that was a
given I assumed that that's whatI was going to get and that was
(07:52):
in my future, so that's whatmade it even harder for me to
accept the fact that I don't getthis and it's not for me and
I'm not going to have thisprivilege of being involved in
her life with the grandchildren.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
You know I heard you say earlier when you finally
accepted that she was not a partof your life, there's a
grieving process that goes alongwith that.
Can you tell me a little bitabout that?
Speaker 2 (08:21):
For the first three years I still held hope.
I thought she's going to comearound.
I had wonderful people tell meit's okay, it's not going to
last, she'll snap out of it,she'll come back, it's going to
be okay.
Holidays I would just hug myother daughter and cry.
You know, christmas, the firstcouple of Christmases, I
(08:44):
couldn't help it.
But I, when I saw her, I'd cryand um and then, just knowing
that she rejected me, shedoesn't want me in her life, I
would call her and I would sayyou know, how can I fix this?
How can we make this right?
Tell me what I need to do.
I don't understand what I'vedone.
(09:04):
I would wake up in the middleof the night and just cry, just
realizing this is what'shappening.
And that went on for severalyears and finally something just
helped me build a wall and Ithink what I had to do was let
go of the hope that this isgoing to come around and kind of
(09:28):
keeping my heart open for herto come back.
And I finally said you knowwhat?
I've got to build a wall aroundmyself to protect myself from
this, because it's so incrediblypainful and I constant
reminders and just build thewall around and let go and go.
You know what, accept what I'vegot, this is what I have, and
(09:54):
accept the fact that it's notgoing to change.
And when I got to that point iswhen I started feeling stronger
.
I didn't hurt all the time,waking up during the night,
crying stopped.
So there's a lot of that thathelped once I got to that point
(10:15):
but it took me many years to getto that point, because it's a
mother's love and you love yourchildren unconditionally, even
though they've hurt you so muchby what they've done.
But your own love is actuallybeing weaponized against you.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
And we live in such a different world than you and I.
We didn't have internet growingup, so now you go on Facebook
and you see all your friends andtheir kids come over and their
grandkids come over and it'slike a constant reminder of what
you don't have.
You're really happy for yourfriends and your other family,
(10:48):
but you're constantly like, wow,I wish that was me.
It's hard to literally cut itoff.
And you're right about themother's love thing.
It's our job to fix theboo-boos right.
It's like this is a boo-boo.
There's not a bandage bigenough, long enough, strong
enough to fix it.
You feel helpless helpless andin your situation, like many, it
(11:21):
was because of somebody elsethat have alienated your
daughter and your grandchildrenfrom you.
So can you tell me from theoutsider, looking in the parent
looking at their child?
When did you notice behavior?
When did things start to change?
Was it while they were dating?
Speaker 2 (11:37):
So they actually, their relationship lasted and
I'm just guessing roughly maybethree to four years before they
were married.
So they were living togetherand she still had a relationship
with me.
She lived very close, withinfive minutes.
We'd see each other often.
She, you know, sometimes she'ddo some things that were a
(11:59):
little odd and I'd be like youknow, we're a little bit of a
mean, a mean thing to say thatnormally wasn't like her.
It's totally out of character.
But you know, I kind of ignoreit and just say you know, you
know, just, she's going throughsomething.
We all get kind of cranky andlet it go.
The big catalyst, I think, wasthere was a tragedy in the
(12:21):
family and a trauma bond wasformed.
I assume but it's only myopinion there was a terrible
tragedy.
From that point is when I sawbig changes and really felt
isolated and blamed for thingsthat I didn't do.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
And we talked about how we have great in-laws Like I
have been blessed with.
You know, my prior in-laws werefabulous and my new in-laws are
fabulous.
They're not even in-laws, Ijust they're just family right.
And so, in this situation, hadyou met the mother-in-law?
How was that?
Speaker 2 (13:18):
them at rest.
And then, after the tragedy,things were very I had no
relationship with her.
She did not reach out to me orthere really wasn't any reason
to.
The only time that she kind ofcame back into the picture along
with my daughter was almostthree years later, when my
current son-in-law proposed tomy daughter.
So now they're engaged andmother-in-law has come back into
(13:39):
my life and you'd think we werebest friends since the
beginning.
I felt like a really nice, warmrelationship and we would get
together and just talk about thekids and maybe have a glass of
wine.
Then, closer to the wedding,she asked me for $3,000.
(13:59):
And I know that my daughter hadtold me earlier that she goes.
Mom, I don't want a big wedding, I want a small wedding.
The mother-in-law is very mucha flamboyant.
Let's make it bigger,everything's got to be over the
top.
And she wanted money and I saidyou know what I'm going to do.
(14:19):
I said, no, I'm not going togive you money, but what I'm
going to do is I'm going tocontribute.
So my daughter's biologicalfather and I paid for her
wedding dress, which was severalthousand dollars, and then I
paid for a photographer, whichwas close to $3,000.
(14:44):
I also told them that I wouldbuy them a tabletop book from
whatever their wedding photoswere that they liked and they
wanted.
Normally I don't keep track ofmoney, but in reflection I'm
going well, what did I do forthem?
What did I, you know, did Ispend enough?
Because I'm hearing throughother family members that, well,
you know, I contributed thismuch and I contributed that much
.
And I'm thinking, and then theygo, you know.
(15:04):
So she's saying you didn't giveanything.
And I'm like whoa, wait aminute, I didn't hand her cash,
but I did contribute to mydaughter's wedding.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
So they get married.
What were things like?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
after that.
So she was pregnant when theywere married and they had a
gender reveal at the wedding.
I thought that, since she hadplanned the whole wedding, and I
understood I don't knowanything about weddings and I
told my daughter.
I said, listen, when it comestime for me to have to do
something, just tell me, becauseI don't understand how this
rolls.
So just tell me what I need todo.
(15:40):
And she's like, okay.
So she never said anything andthe wedding went off, it was
fine and the gender was revealedand I'm thinking okay,
mother-in-law got the wedding, Iget the baby shower, because
the baby's coming in a couplemonths.
One of her girlfriends, or oneof her bridesmaids, was due
within two weeks of my daughter.
(16:02):
So I called her and I saidlisten, when are you planning
your baby shower?
So we don't conflict, because Iwant to have one at my house
and I want to make sure you canattend and the other bridesmaids
can attend too.
So let me know.
And somehow this gets back tomother-in-law and my daughter
(16:22):
and her husband.
Take my husband and I out tobreakfast and they break the
news over breakfast that they donot want me to throw the baby
shower, and I couldn'tunderstand why.
And they said, well, no, we'regoing to do our own shower, but
why, if I can do the whole thingfor you?
I wasn't looking for money, Iwasn't looking for help, I was
(16:43):
looking for a schedule andavailability of her friends.
They said, no, no, we'rethrowing our own baby shower
Gosh, that sounds odd.
No, we're throwing our own babyshower Gosh, that sounds odd.
So baby shower comes and I feellike an outsider at my
daughter's baby shower.
She doesn't talk to me, shestays in her bedroom.
(17:03):
I was two or three hours earlyto help set up.
There was nothing for me to do,cold shoulder from
mother-in-law.
You know, when you're notwelcome, you get that feeling.
You're not welcome here, andshe made that very clear.
So I still stayed.
During the shower I heard hermaking comments to people about
(17:25):
me that weren't untrue.
It's just very mean.
And then that is when thingsjust kind of went.
You know it's 2020.
We've got COVID, we've gotrestrictions, nobody can go to
the hospital.
It's kind of when she went outof my life.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yeah, did they call you when the baby was born, or
were you invited to the hospitalto be a part of that?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
We were not invited to the hospital.
To be a part of that, I willtell you that at the same time I
was diagnosed with breastcancer.
So I believe within days of mybreast cancer surgery my
granddaughter was born.
So it was kind ofunderstandable that we weren't,
you know, included or brought tothe hospital or anything along
(18:13):
that line.
Plus, I believe the hospitalswere, it was only the father
only was allowed with the baby.
But we did see the baby a fewdays after my surgery and I got
to see her through a littlecrack in a sliding glass door,
which was still wonderful.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Absolutely.
I don't think I realized thisthat you were actually going
through breast cancer duringthis whole process.
So you're already dealing withthe emotions I can't imagine.
Let me just say that forsupport and to be there, because
(18:57):
we just we want that hug, liketheir hug just motivates us to
keep going and want to stayhealthy and all of those other
things right.
It's like a natural endorphin.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Jen, your words are.
It couldn't be truer.
I just needed that little bitof can I lean into you and have
a little emotional hug, and Igot nothing near that.
I actually remember showing herthe surgery site because I got
the feeling that she didn'tbelieve that I was going through
(19:25):
this and that I was lying forattention.
And that hurt incredibly.
And that wasn't the little girlI raised, that wasn't the young
woman that she was before shemet him.
So that was just another painon top of it.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Wow, I can't imagine.
I'm crying with you.
Yeah, I feel it and yeah, I'mjust so glad you're here.
It's your strength andperseverance and prayers, and,
of course, I know you have greatfriends.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I have great friends and I have the absolute best
husband and he has gotten methrough so much and he's going
through this with me.
You know he came into thegirl's lives when they were six
and ten years old, so he'spretty much been their father
for years from the beginning.
So this is his pain too.
He just quietly keeps it inside.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah, men, they definitely deal with it a little
bit differently, a differenttype of helplessness, because
they're helpless and like, howdo I help my wife, who's also
the mother of my children, andthen how do I help my children?
Yes, absolutely, you know.
I think it's not that we wantto control a situation, we want
(20:49):
to be included.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
That's it.
I just want to be included.
Don't need to have control,don't need to have a say in
anything.
Just when you get together fora birthday, when you get
together for a holiday, just say, hey, you want to come over and
just kind of sit, sit, enjoy,you know, just be a part of it.
And that's really what.
What hurts the most is that I'mnot included.
Um, and you know, the birthdayscome and go.
(21:14):
I do not have anybody sendingme pictures of my grandkids,
even though I've asked him.
You know, can you please?
During that time whenmother-in-law and I were on good
terms, I made relationships,developed relationships with the
rest of the family.
His grandmother, his aunt arejust wonderful women.
They understand this.
(21:35):
They've seen this before in aprevious generation.
So I had that and I'm like,please send me pictures.
And I think that there's aconcern that if I post those
pictures on social media, thatthere's going to be
ramifications from mother-in-law.
I think that there's a lot ofconcern and they try to avoid
(21:56):
the wrath of mother-in-law.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
For you as the mom, it's what I would call a
balancing act between how muchdo I try to get to my daughter,
communicate to my daughter, tryto see my grandkids ask for
pictures without?
Well, I don't want themother-in-law to just get pissed
, quite frankly, at my daughterand take it out on her and scold
(22:19):
her.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
So what I've been told from these two women is
that my daughter's cell phone isnot her own, that if there are
missed calls or any indicationthat there's been communication
that she would sufferconsequences and they're
emotional, that there's beencommunication that she would
suffer consequences and they'reemotional, those are things that
I know.
She suffers consequences andshe is a very easygoing, want to
(22:43):
make people, everybody happy,type person.
So she will sacrifice and I'veseen that throughout her life
she will sacrifice somethingthat would make her very happy
if somebody else wantedsomething different.
Badly enough, I'm just seeingthat the things that she's told
me prior to meeting this familythere are things that she did
(23:05):
and did not want.
I know that she's tolerating alot of things that she didn't
really want.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
At the end of the day , mom knows her kids.
So first grandbaby, you got tosee through a craft.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I did.
And then I told my husband.
I said, listen, we need to,like, get on a schedule, because
you know things were strainedand she was distant for a few
years before the wedding.
I'm like, listen, let's get ona schedule, let's try to see
that baby every week.
So I'll make a phone call orswing by.
And of course they lived just afew miles away from um, from
(23:37):
where I worked.
So I'm like, okay, let's okay,hi, can, can we?
Can we come by on Saturday?
Uh, no, husband's not going tobe there.
Uh, oh, okay.
Um, how about Sunday?
Don't know if husband's goingto be.
I'm like, okay, and anothertime I would call and say you
want to go out to lunch?
I'll swing by, I'll grab youand the baby.
(23:57):
Let's go grab a sandwich.
This would be wonderful.
No, he's not going to be home,nobody's going to be here.
And I started thinking, gosh,she needs permission.
That's the only way thing Icould pick out of.
That is, she needs permissionto see, for us to come see the
baby.
So then one time we did finallyarrange things.
(24:19):
My husband and I went over, Ilaid down on the floor with my
granddaughter, who was alreadysitting up by now and I I read
her a book and she sat thereriveted and it was amazing.
My husband watched sitting onthe sofa.
And then I looked and and herhusband is sitting on the other
sofa watching like a hawk andI'm like no, that's just me,
(24:42):
that's just me.
And then after we left, I saidto my husband I said, did that
feel weird to you or was it me?
He goes oh no, that was asupervised visitation and during
that my daughter stayed busy inthe kitchen and she was doing
something.
She didn't come over to have aconversation with us, she didn't
come over to greet us or doanything.
It was like we weren't eventhere.
(25:03):
She's busy in the kitchen doingher thing.
It was very awkward and Ibelieve that that was probably
the last time you saw a granddaughter, wow.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
And so the grandbaby was sitting up at that point.
So met her a month old, yes,wow.
And since then there's beenanother grandchild, right.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
There has.
Yes, another grandchild wasborn.
I know that I actually got aphone call from my daughter and
she said Mom, I'm pregnant again.
And it was just such a.
It was a phone call a daughtermakes to her mom Mom, I'm
pregnant again, but don't sayanything to everybody because
mother-in-law doesn't know yet.
(25:44):
I'm like I'm not going to sayanything.
And then the next thing youknow, there's a gender reveal
and we weren't invited and I'mlike gosh, why so?
And then we've never met him.
We've never been that kind ofbaby.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
When she called to tell you she was pregnant, she
hadn't even told themother-in-law yet.
Man, that probably made youfeel just so happy, like, okay,
maybe there is hope.
You know, maybe things aregoing to come around and then
the gender reveal happens andyou're not invited, you're not
(26:20):
told about it.
So it's like a seesaw or tug ofwar inside.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
It is Part of me goes .
Maybe I am glad that I'm notincluded, because then they
would really be able toweaponize and use the children
to hurt me more if I wasincluded and then punished for
arbitrary things.
And it's so important forpeople to know that there is no
catalyst.
(26:47):
There was, well, this was theday of the big fight or this was
the day of whatever.
There's none of that, and letyou know.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
let me say that one thing we need to teach the world
is grace.
We all make mistakes.
So even if there would havebeen a fight with your daughter
or somebody like that, like atsome point you recognize, okay,
this family unit, my child, mymom, you know, we need to come
together, we need to have graceon the situation and come
(27:19):
together and function as afamily for the child, right?
I think grace is somethingpeople seem to forget about.
So even if you said something,that was fine, but then, you
know, the husband took it andwas like, oh, I'm so offended,
blah, blah, blah.
So at what point does he holdhimself accountable and say you
know what?
(27:39):
I'm going to have grace on thissituation and we're going to
move forward.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I think that's a great, a great approach, jen,
and I really think that that'ssomething that requires a little
self-reflection and a littlebit of maturity and a little bit
of empathy, and I don't believeany one of those three exist,
and that's why I am where I amtoday.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
So describe to us where you are today.
Obviously, you found thecourage to open up and share and
I'm honored.
But tell us where you are today.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
I'm very grateful for this opportunity to speak and
have more people listen andmaybe help other people feel a
little bit better aboutthemselves and the situation
they're in with their childrenand grandchildren, and to help
people understand that this painthey're not going through this
pain alone.
Many of us did not deserve it.
(28:40):
I don't think anybody actuallydeserves this kind of pain.
It's a torment and I justwanted to help other people
maybe feel a little bit betterthat not to be so hard on
themselves, that you can be awonderful person and have really
crummy things happen to you.
(29:00):
It's still a battle.
I still have dreams.
Once in a while I'll shed a tearjust in the middle of the
afternoon.
The pain's there.
Those are days I'll never haveback.
I'll never be able to cuddlethem and hold them while they're
tiny, and will they ever knowwho I am?
(29:21):
Will they never know what theirhistory is on this side of the
family and there's a goodpossibility that that may never
happen, and of course, it's notjust me and my husband my
daughter has no communicationwith her sister or her
(29:42):
brother-in-law.
Our side of the family, ourhistory, is being erased in our
grandchildren's eyes and minds.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
And it's very much a family thing.
I know we would make the topicgrandparent alienation but, like
you said, your daughter, hersister, is being alienated as
well.
It's definitely a family thingand imagine having to be a
person so insecure that you haveto try to wipe out other people
(30:11):
, other side of the family.
They need prayers.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Yeah, I think they need more than prayers, I think
they need some therapy.
I think that they they needsome accountability, because I'm
also very angry about thisbecause it's it's really
inexcusable and and and thesepeople really need to understand
what they're doing is wrong onmany levels, and then you know
(30:39):
to go and say, if somebody doesinquire, you know, I kind of
heard oh you don't, you don'tknow both sides of the story.
And I said to the person whotold me this, I said well then
would you find out what theirside of the story is so I can
understand and I can fix this.
It's a shame, it's a farce, butthey're living in their happy,
their happy world and apparentlythey're very happy with what
(31:01):
they have, or they're incrediblyunhappy and this is not making
them happier, but it satisfiessome sort of a dark need to
inflict pain on other people forno good reason.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
I am glad you shared.
There's a saying secrets makeyou sick, and so I think that
when we're able to open up in asafe space and share and realize
we're not alone, it helpsovercome part of that grieving
process when we know we actuallyhave a support system behind us
(31:36):
.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
I agree and I'm so thankful that you allowed me
this opportunity to speak, andevery time I talk about it I
heal a little bit more and youknow the scar will always be
there, but the wound is gettingsmaller now that I'm talking
about it, and I encourage peoplewho are keeping this secret to
talk about it and share.
(31:59):
Stop blaming yourself, stopscrutinizing every little thing
you did when they were littlekids and what you might have
done wrong, because that's notwhat it is.
The relationship was solid.
The relationship was happy asshe was an adult.
It's when she went into arelationship with this person,
is when things changed with thisperson is when things changed.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Yes, and you know what?
Speaking of grace, I think youneed to have grace on yourself.
Allow yourself to grieve, allowyourself to talk, allow
yourself to follow whateverprocess you have, but have grace
on yourself.
You know, sometimes we're soworried about how to treat other
(32:44):
people or whatever, we forgetabout ourselves, but have grace
on yourself.
Yeah, you're great.
Is there anything else youwould like to add to this
conversation?
Speaker 2 (32:51):
I think that you've allowed me the opportunity to
cover everything that I neededto say and to allow out of my
heart, and I think that speakingwith you has allowed some
darkness to leave and a littlebit of light to come in.
So thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Of course, anytime, and you know you have my number
so you can call me anytime youwant and sometime we'll get
together because there's healingin hugs.
I truly believe that I'm goingto put this out there and you
can do it or not.
If your daughter was listening.
Would you like to share somewords you would share?
Speaker 2 (33:29):
with her.
I'm going to tear up, but I'mgoing to tell you.
I'm going to tell her.
I told her this one time and Iwant to say it was right around
the baby shower time I love you,I will always love you.
I am your mother and I willnever stop loving you.
I will always be your mother.
When you are ready, I will behere for you with open arms and
(33:55):
I will help you begin a new life.
If that's what you choose, Iwill do everything in my power
to protect you.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Thank you.
I have tears in my eyes as well, as a mom, you know.
I think there are several momsout there that are going to
relate to exactly what you justshared.
Thank you for opening up yourheart and sharing that with us.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Thank you so much.
I appreciate the opportunity.
You've done so much for me,just having this interview.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Absolutely, Maria.
Thank you for being my guest onthe I Need Blue podcast.
To learn anything andeverything about I Need Blue,
visit my website,wwwinadebluenet, and remember
you are stronger than you think.
Until next time.
Everyone has a story.
They just don't always have aplace to share it.
Welcome to I Need Blue, thepodcast about to take you on an
(00:22):
extraordinary journey whereprofound narratives come to life
, one captivating episode at atime.
I'm your host, jennifer Lee,and I founded this podcast
because I know there is healingand sharing.
Each story you will hear sharedon this podcast is a testament
to our collective strength,innate ability to transform in
(00:45):
the incredible power of healing.
Please remember you are neveralone.
Please visit and share mywebsite with those seeking
connection and inspirationwwwineedbluenet.
Thank you, char Good, forcomposing and performing the
introduction medley for I NeedBlue.
(01:07):
You can find information aboutChar on her website,
wwwchargoodcom.
Before starting today's episode,I must provide a trigger
warning.
I Need Blue features graphicthemes, including, but not
limited to, violence, abuse andmurder, and may not be suitable
for all listeners.
(01:28):
Please take care of yourselfand don't hesitate to ask for
help if you need it.
Now let's get started withtoday's story Grandparent
alienation.
Alienation that is the topic oftoday's episode.
(01:51):
The term grandparent alienationis a significant one,
resonating deeply with so manyfamilies.
My friend and guest, maria, ishere today to share her journey
which, though filled withheartbreak has been inspiring.
She has turned her pain into acrucial mission to help others,
(02:12):
all while navigating the deephurt of being separated from her
daughter and grandchildren, oneof whom she's never even met.
As she shares this deep secretand the emotional turmoil
attached to it, she becomes avoice for others.
Thank you.
(02:32):
Despite living in the same city, the barriers she faced aren't
logistical.
They're rooted in herdaughter's husband and
mother-in-law's selfish control.
Today, we're peeling back thelayers of this intricate issue,
illuminating a topic that manysuffer in silence.
(02:56):
It was decided to change namesfor the safety of others.
Maria, thank you for trustingme to share this very present
journey on the I Need Bluepodcast.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh, absolutely.
You know, I wanted to share alittle backstory.
You contacted me, you called mein November and you said Jen, I
have something very heavy in myheart and I would like to share
it on your podcast.
And of course I had to put mypodcast in pause, but now we're
back.
So I reached back out and youwere like yes, I definitely want
(03:36):
to share this story and,interestingly enough, in that
time I've just now that I'm in anew community, I've met new
people and I'm finding that thistruly is more common than we
think, but it's not reallytalked about, and so I
appreciate you being here.
I would like to kind of dive inand talk about what this
(03:57):
journey has been like for youand, if we could, can we kind of
start from the beginning, maybewhen your daughter started
dating her now husband, and howthat relationship evolved?
Sure Can.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
I go back just a little bit further for
comparison.
She's been in a long-termrelationship before this one a
long-term relationship beforethis one and I'm going to tell
you that the relationship withher then boyfriend was fabulous.
We got along well, we had anice bond with his entire family
(04:35):
and that relationship lastedseveral years.
My daughter also would call meon a daily basis while she was
in that relationship just tocheck in, mom, how you doing,
either on her way to work orwhen she woke up in the morning.
So we had a great relationshipup to that point.
She was in her early 20s whenshe met Mark and just noticed
(04:59):
some things changed.
He was very different from theother types of gentlemen that
she had relationships with.
I find myself making notes forthis interview and feeling as
though I need to justify.
I didn't do something wrong,I'm not a terrible person.
And I caught myself and I foundthat I'm not a terrible person
(05:22):
and I'm not a terrible parent.
And this has been going on formany years, close to seven years
.
I've kept quiet for so long.
Finally getting to the pointwhere I reconciled that she
wasn't in my life is when Istarted talking about it, and
that's when I started learningthat there are so many other
(05:44):
women and men who areexperiencing this exact same
pain, this hollowness, thisexclusion, and it is incredibly
heartbreaking as a failure, as aparent, especially when they
(06:07):
invested so much of their livesin making a good life for their
children and a good upbringingand so forth.
We just shame ourselves intosilence.
I felt that, talking to you andto your listeners, hopefully
I'm going to be able to helpother people feel better, going
to be able to help other peoplefeel better.
(06:28):
I don't have any solutions,unfortunately, but I'm really
hoping that knowing that you'renot the only one I know that
made me feel so much better,knowing that I was not the only
person out there going throughthis hell.
My child is alive and does notwant me in their life, and
that's just really somethingthat's difficult to reconcile.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, as parents, we lookforward to watching our children
grow and go to college or havea job or a career, whatever
their path is.
You know, there's likecuriosity for a parent as to,
you know, what are they going todo and, of course, the marriage
and the kids and all of thoseother things.
And as grandparents, we lookforward to being able to
(07:11):
experience that alongside themand when that notion of, okay, I
get to be a grandparent, youknow, spoil them and just the
way that our parents spoiled ourkids, and then to realize, oh,
that's not going to happen andyou're not prepared for it,
right?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And that's it.
I always look forward to myfamily growing, my daughters
getting married and theirhusbands and their children, and
the big holiday gatherings andmaking sure my house was big
enough for when my kids hadfamilies and I guess that was a
given I assumed that that's whatI was going to get and that was
(07:52):
in my future, so that's whatmade it even harder for me to
accept the fact that I don't getthis and it's not for me and
I'm not going to have thisprivilege of being involved in
her life with the grandchildren.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
You know I heard you say earlier when you finally
accepted that she was not a partof your life, there's a
grieving process that goes alongwith that.
Can you tell me a little bitabout that?
Speaker 2 (08:21):
For the first three years I still held hope.
I thought she's going to comearound.
I had wonderful people tell meit's okay, it's not going to
last, she'll snap out of it,she'll come back, it's going to
be okay.
Holidays I would just hug myother daughter and cry.
You know, christmas, the firstcouple of Christmases, I
(08:44):
couldn't help it.
But I, when I saw her, I'd cryand um and then, just knowing
that she rejected me, shedoesn't want me in her life, I
would call her and I would sayyou know, how can I fix this?
How can we make this right?
Tell me what I need to do.
I don't understand what I'vedone.
(09:04):
I would wake up in the middleof the night and just cry, just
realizing this is what'shappening.
And that went on for severalyears and finally something just
helped me build a wall and Ithink what I had to do was let
go of the hope that this isgoing to come around and kind of
(09:28):
keeping my heart open for herto come back.
And I finally said you knowwhat?
I've got to build a wall aroundmyself to protect myself from
this, because it's so incrediblypainful and I constant
reminders and just build thewall around and let go and go.
You know what, accept what I'vegot, this is what I have, and
(09:54):
accept the fact that it's notgoing to change.
And when I got to that point iswhen I started feeling stronger
.
I didn't hurt all the time,waking up during the night,
crying stopped.
So there's a lot of that thathelped once I got to that point
(10:15):
but it took me many years to getto that point, because it's a
mother's love and you love yourchildren unconditionally, even
though they've hurt you so muchby what they've done.
But your own love is actuallybeing weaponized against you.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
And we live in such a different world than you and I.
We didn't have internet growingup, so now you go on Facebook
and you see all your friends andtheir kids come over and their
grandkids come over and it'slike a constant reminder of what
you don't have.
You're really happy for yourfriends and your other family,
(10:48):
but you're constantly like, wow,I wish that was me.
It's hard to literally cut itoff.
And you're right about themother's love thing.
It's our job to fix theboo-boos right.
It's like this is a boo-boo.
There's not a bandage bigenough, long enough, strong
enough to fix it.
You feel helpless helpless andin your situation, like many, it
(11:21):
was because of somebody elsethat have alienated your
daughter and your grandchildrenfrom you.
So can you tell me from theoutsider, looking in the parent
looking at their child?
When did you notice behavior?
When did things start to change?
Was it while they were dating?
Speaker 2 (11:37):
So they actually, their relationship lasted and
I'm just guessing roughly maybethree to four years before they
were married.
So they were living togetherand she still had a relationship
with me.
She lived very close, withinfive minutes.
We'd see each other often.
She, you know, sometimes she'ddo some things that were a
(11:59):
little odd and I'd be like youknow, we're a little bit of a
mean, a mean thing to say thatnormally wasn't like her.
It's totally out of character.
But you know, I kind of ignoreit and just say you know, you
know, just, she's going throughsomething.
We all get kind of cranky andlet it go.
The big catalyst, I think, wasthere was a tragedy in the
(12:21):
family and a trauma bond wasformed.
I assume but it's only myopinion there was a terrible
tragedy.
From that point is when I sawbig changes and really felt
isolated and blamed for thingsthat I didn't do.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
And we talked about how we have great in-laws Like I
have been blessed with.
You know, my prior in-laws werefabulous and my new in-laws are
fabulous.
They're not even in-laws, Ijust they're just family right.
And so, in this situation, hadyou met the mother-in-law?
How was that?
Speaker 2 (13:18):
them at rest.
And then, after the tragedy,things were very I had no
relationship with her.
She did not reach out to me orthere really wasn't any reason
to.
The only time that she kind ofcame back into the picture along
with my daughter was almostthree years later, when my
current son-in-law proposed tomy daughter.
So now they're engaged andmother-in-law has come back into
(13:39):
my life and you'd think we werebest friends since the
beginning.
I felt like a really nice, warmrelationship and we would get
together and just talk about thekids and maybe have a glass of
wine.
Then, closer to the wedding,she asked me for $3,000.
(13:59):
And I know that my daughter hadtold me earlier that she goes.
Mom, I don't want a big wedding, I want a small wedding.
The mother-in-law is very mucha flamboyant.
Let's make it bigger,everything's got to be over the
top.
And she wanted money and I saidyou know what I'm going to do.
(14:19):
I said, no, I'm not going togive you money, but what I'm
going to do is I'm going tocontribute.
So my daughter's biologicalfather and I paid for her
wedding dress, which was severalthousand dollars, and then I
paid for a photographer, whichwas close to $3,000.
(14:44):
I also told them that I wouldbuy them a tabletop book from
whatever their wedding photoswere that they liked and they
wanted.
Normally I don't keep track ofmoney, but in reflection I'm
going well, what did I do forthem?
What did I, you know, did Ispend enough?
Because I'm hearing throughother family members that, well,
you know, I contributed thismuch and I contributed that much
.
And I'm thinking, and then theygo, you know.
(15:04):
So she's saying you didn't giveanything.
And I'm like whoa, wait aminute, I didn't hand her cash,
but I did contribute to mydaughter's wedding.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
So they get married.
What were things like?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
after that.
So she was pregnant when theywere married and they had a
gender reveal at the wedding.
I thought that, since she hadplanned the whole wedding, and I
understood I don't knowanything about weddings and I
told my daughter.
I said, listen, when it comestime for me to have to do
something, just tell me, becauseI don't understand how this
rolls.
So just tell me what I need todo.
(15:40):
And she's like, okay.
So she never said anything andthe wedding went off, it was
fine and the gender was revealedand I'm thinking okay,
mother-in-law got the wedding, Iget the baby shower, because
the baby's coming in a couplemonths.
One of her girlfriends, or oneof her bridesmaids, was due
within two weeks of my daughter.
(16:02):
So I called her and I saidlisten, when are you planning
your baby shower?
So we don't conflict, because Iwant to have one at my house
and I want to make sure you canattend and the other bridesmaids
can attend too.
So let me know.
And somehow this gets back tomother-in-law and my daughter
(16:22):
and her husband.
Take my husband and I out tobreakfast and they break the
news over breakfast that they donot want me to throw the baby
shower, and I couldn'tunderstand why.
And they said, well, no, we'regoing to do our own shower, but
why, if I can do the whole thingfor you?
I wasn't looking for money, Iwasn't looking for help, I was
(16:43):
looking for a schedule andavailability of her friends.
They said, no, no, we'rethrowing our own baby shower
Gosh, that sounds odd.
No, we're throwing our own babyshower Gosh, that sounds odd.
So baby shower comes and I feellike an outsider at my
daughter's baby shower.
She doesn't talk to me, shestays in her bedroom.
(17:03):
I was two or three hours earlyto help set up.
There was nothing for me to do,cold shoulder from
mother-in-law.
You know, when you're notwelcome, you get that feeling.
You're not welcome here, andshe made that very clear.
So I still stayed.
During the shower I heard hermaking comments to people about
(17:25):
me that weren't untrue.
It's just very mean.
And then that is when thingsjust kind of went.
You know it's 2020.
We've got COVID, we've gotrestrictions, nobody can go to
the hospital.
It's kind of when she went outof my life.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yeah, did they call you when the baby was born, or
were you invited to the hospitalto be a part of that?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
We were not invited to the hospital.
To be a part of that, I willtell you that at the same time I
was diagnosed with breastcancer.
So I believe within days of mybreast cancer surgery my
granddaughter was born.
So it was kind ofunderstandable that we weren't,
you know, included or brought tothe hospital or anything along
(18:13):
that line.
Plus, I believe the hospitalswere, it was only the father
only was allowed with the baby.
But we did see the baby a fewdays after my surgery and I got
to see her through a littlecrack in a sliding glass door,
which was still wonderful.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Absolutely.
I don't think I realized thisthat you were actually going
through breast cancer duringthis whole process.
So you're already dealing withthe emotions I can't imagine.
Let me just say that forsupport and to be there, because
(18:57):
we just we want that hug, liketheir hug just motivates us to
keep going and want to stayhealthy and all of those other
things right.
It's like a natural endorphin.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Jen, your words are.
It couldn't be truer.
I just needed that little bitof can I lean into you and have
a little emotional hug, and Igot nothing near that.
I actually remember showing herthe surgery site because I got
the feeling that she didn'tbelieve that I was going through
(19:25):
this and that I was lying forattention.
And that hurt incredibly.
And that wasn't the little girlI raised, that wasn't the young
woman that she was before shemet him.
So that was just another painon top of it.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Wow, I can't imagine.
I'm crying with you.
Yeah, I feel it and yeah, I'mjust so glad you're here.
It's your strength andperseverance and prayers, and,
of course, I know you have greatfriends.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I have great friends and I have the absolute best
husband and he has gotten methrough so much and he's going
through this with me.
You know he came into thegirl's lives when they were six
and ten years old, so he'spretty much been their father
for years from the beginning.
So this is his pain too.
He just quietly keeps it inside.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah, men, they definitely deal with it a little
bit differently, a differenttype of helplessness, because
they're helpless and like, howdo I help my wife, who's also
the mother of my children, andthen how do I help my children?
Yes, absolutely, you know.
I think it's not that we wantto control a situation, we want
(20:49):
to be included.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
That's it.
I just want to be included.
Don't need to have control,don't need to have a say in
anything.
Just when you get together fora birthday, when you get
together for a holiday, just say, hey, you want to come over and
just kind of sit, sit, enjoy,you know, just be a part of it.
And that's really what.
What hurts the most is that I'mnot included.
Um, and you know, the birthdayscome and go.
(21:14):
I do not have anybody sendingme pictures of my grandkids,
even though I've asked him.
You know, can you please?
During that time whenmother-in-law and I were on good
terms, I made relationships,developed relationships with the
rest of the family.
His grandmother, his aunt arejust wonderful women.
They understand this.
(21:35):
They've seen this before in aprevious generation.
So I had that and I'm like,please send me pictures.
And I think that there's aconcern that if I post those
pictures on social media, thatthere's going to be
ramifications from mother-in-law.
I think that there's a lot ofconcern and they try to avoid
(21:56):
the wrath of mother-in-law.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
For you as the mom, it's what I would call a
balancing act between how muchdo I try to get to my daughter,
communicate to my daughter, tryto see my grandkids ask for
pictures without?
Well, I don't want themother-in-law to just get pissed
, quite frankly, at my daughterand take it out on her and scold
(22:19):
her.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
So what I've been told from these two women is
that my daughter's cell phone isnot her own, that if there are
missed calls or any indicationthat there's been communication
that she would sufferconsequences and they're
emotional, that there's beencommunication that she would
suffer consequences and they'reemotional, those are things that
I know.
She suffers consequences andshe is a very easygoing, want to
(22:43):
make people, everybody happy,type person.
So she will sacrifice and I'veseen that throughout her life
she will sacrifice somethingthat would make her very happy
if somebody else wantedsomething different.
Badly enough, I'm just seeingthat the things that she's told
me prior to meeting this familythere are things that she did
(23:05):
and did not want.
I know that she's tolerating alot of things that she didn't
really want.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
At the end of the day , mom knows her kids.
So first grandbaby, you got tosee through a craft.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I did.
And then I told my husband.
I said, listen, we need to,like, get on a schedule, because
you know things were strainedand she was distant for a few
years before the wedding.
I'm like, listen, let's get ona schedule, let's try to see
that baby every week.
So I'll make a phone call orswing by.
And of course they lived just afew miles away from um, from
(23:37):
where I worked.
So I'm like, okay, let's okay,hi, can, can we?
Can we come by on Saturday?
Uh, no, husband's not going tobe there.
Uh, oh, okay.
Um, how about Sunday?
Don't know if husband's goingto be.
I'm like, okay, and anothertime I would call and say you
want to go out to lunch?
I'll swing by, I'll grab youand the baby.
(23:57):
Let's go grab a sandwich.
This would be wonderful.
No, he's not going to be home,nobody's going to be here.
And I started thinking, gosh,she needs permission.
That's the only way thing Icould pick out of.
That is, she needs permissionto see, for us to come see the
baby.
So then one time we did finallyarrange things.
(24:19):
My husband and I went over, Ilaid down on the floor with my
granddaughter, who was alreadysitting up by now and I I read
her a book and she sat thereriveted and it was amazing.
My husband watched sitting onthe sofa.
And then I looked and and herhusband is sitting on the other
sofa watching like a hawk andI'm like no, that's just me,
(24:42):
that's just me.
And then after we left, I saidto my husband I said, did that
feel weird to you or was it me?
He goes oh no, that was asupervised visitation and during
that my daughter stayed busy inthe kitchen and she was doing
something.
She didn't come over to have aconversation with us, she didn't
come over to greet us or doanything.
It was like we weren't eventhere.
(25:03):
She's busy in the kitchen doingher thing.
It was very awkward and Ibelieve that that was probably
the last time you saw a granddaughter, wow.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
And so the grandbaby was sitting up at that point.
So met her a month old, yes,wow.
And since then there's beenanother grandchild, right.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
There has.
Yes, another grandchild wasborn.
I know that I actually got aphone call from my daughter and
she said Mom, I'm pregnant again.
And it was just such a.
It was a phone call a daughtermakes to her mom Mom, I'm
pregnant again, but don't sayanything to everybody because
mother-in-law doesn't know yet.
(25:44):
I'm like I'm not going to sayanything.
And then the next thing youknow, there's a gender reveal
and we weren't invited and I'mlike gosh, why so?
And then we've never met him.
We've never been that kind ofbaby.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
When she called to tell you she was pregnant, she
hadn't even told themother-in-law yet.
Man, that probably made youfeel just so happy, like, okay,
maybe there is hope.
You know, maybe things aregoing to come around and then
the gender reveal happens andyou're not invited, you're not
(26:20):
told about it.
So it's like a seesaw or tug ofwar inside.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
It is Part of me goes .
Maybe I am glad that I'm notincluded, because then they
would really be able toweaponize and use the children
to hurt me more if I wasincluded and then punished for
arbitrary things.
And it's so important forpeople to know that there is no
catalyst.
(26:47):
There was, well, this was theday of the big fight or this was
the day of whatever.
There's none of that, and letyou know.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
let me say that one thing we need to teach the world
is grace.
We all make mistakes.
So even if there would havebeen a fight with your daughter
or somebody like that, like atsome point you recognize, okay,
this family unit, my child, mymom, you know, we need to come
together, we need to have graceon the situation and come
(27:19):
together and function as afamily for the child, right?
I think grace is somethingpeople seem to forget about.
So even if you said something,that was fine, but then, you
know, the husband took it andwas like, oh, I'm so offended,
blah, blah, blah.
So at what point does he holdhimself accountable and say you
know what?
(27:39):
I'm going to have grace on thissituation and we're going to
move forward.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I think that's a great, a great approach, jen,
and I really think that that'ssomething that requires a little
self-reflection and a littlebit of maturity and a little bit
of empathy, and I don't believeany one of those three exist,
and that's why I am where I amtoday.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
So describe to us where you are today.
Obviously, you found thecourage to open up and share and
I'm honored.
But tell us where you are today.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
I'm very grateful for this opportunity to speak and
have more people listen andmaybe help other people feel a
little bit better aboutthemselves and the situation
they're in with their childrenand grandchildren, and to help
people understand that this painthey're not going through this
pain alone.
Many of us did not deserve it.
(28:40):
I don't think anybody actuallydeserves this kind of pain.
It's a torment and I justwanted to help other people
maybe feel a little bit betterthat not to be so hard on
themselves, that you can be awonderful person and have really
crummy things happen to you.
(29:00):
It's still a battle.
I still have dreams.
Once in a while I'll shed a tearjust in the middle of the
afternoon.
The pain's there.
Those are days I'll never haveback.
I'll never be able to cuddlethem and hold them while they're
tiny, and will they ever knowwho I am?
(29:21):
Will they never know what theirhistory is on this side of the
family and there's a goodpossibility that that may never
happen, and of course, it's notjust me and my husband my
daughter has no communicationwith her sister or her
(29:42):
brother-in-law.
Our side of the family, ourhistory, is being erased in our
grandchildren's eyes and minds.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
And it's very much a family thing.
I know we would make the topicgrandparent alienation but, like
you said, your daughter, hersister, is being alienated as
well.
It's definitely a family thingand imagine having to be a
person so insecure that you haveto try to wipe out other people
(30:11):
, other side of the family.
They need prayers.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Yeah, I think they need more than prayers, I think
they need some therapy.
I think that they they needsome accountability, because I'm
also very angry about thisbecause it's it's really
inexcusable and and and thesepeople really need to understand
what they're doing is wrong onmany levels, and then you know
(30:39):
to go and say, if somebody doesinquire, you know, I kind of
heard oh you don't, you don'tknow both sides of the story.
And I said to the person whotold me this, I said well then
would you find out what theirside of the story is so I can
understand and I can fix this.
It's a shame, it's a farce, butthey're living in their happy,
their happy world and apparentlythey're very happy with what
(31:01):
they have, or they're incrediblyunhappy and this is not making
them happier, but it satisfiessome sort of a dark need to
inflict pain on other people forno good reason.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
I am glad you shared.
There's a saying secrets makeyou sick, and so I think that
when we're able to open up in asafe space and share and realize
we're not alone, it helpsovercome part of that grieving
process when we know we actuallyhave a support system behind us
(31:36):
.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
I agree and I'm so thankful that you allowed me
this opportunity to speak, andevery time I talk about it I
heal a little bit more and youknow the scar will always be
there, but the wound is gettingsmaller now that I'm talking
about it, and I encourage peoplewho are keeping this secret to
talk about it and share.
(31:59):
Stop blaming yourself, stopscrutinizing every little thing
you did when they were littlekids and what you might have
done wrong, because that's notwhat it is.
The relationship was solid.
The relationship was happy asshe was an adult.
It's when she went into arelationship with this person,
is when things changed with thisperson is when things changed.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Yes, and you know what?
Speaking of grace, I think youneed to have grace on yourself.
Allow yourself to grieve, allowyourself to talk, allow
yourself to follow whateverprocess you have, but have grace
on yourself.
You know, sometimes we're soworried about how to treat other
(32:44):
people or whatever, we forgetabout ourselves, but have grace
on yourself.
Yeah, you're great.
Is there anything else youwould like to add to this
conversation?
Speaker 2 (32:51):
I think that you've allowed me the opportunity to
cover everything that I neededto say and to allow out of my
heart, and I think that speakingwith you has allowed some
darkness to leave and a littlebit of light to come in.
So thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Of course, anytime, and you know you have my number
so you can call me anytime youwant and sometime we'll get
together because there's healingin hugs.
I truly believe that I'm goingto put this out there and you
can do it or not.
If your daughter was listening.
Would you like to share somewords you would share?
Speaker 2 (33:29):
with her.
I'm going to tear up, but I'mgoing to tell you.
I'm going to tell her.
I told her this one time and Iwant to say it was right around
the baby shower time I love you,I will always love you.
I am your mother and I willnever stop loving you.
I will always be your mother.
When you are ready, I will behere for you with open arms and
(33:55):
I will help you begin a new life.
If that's what you choose, Iwill do everything in my power
to protect you.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Thank you.
I have tears in my eyes as well, as a mom, you know.
I think there are several momsout there that are going to
relate to exactly what you justshared.
Thank you for opening up yourheart and sharing that with us.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Thank you so much.
I appreciate the opportunity.
You've done so much for me,just having this interview.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Absolutely, Maria.
Thank you for being my guest onthe I Need Blue podcast.
To learn anything andeverything about I Need Blue,
visit my website,wwwinadebluenet, and remember
you are stronger than you think.
Until next time.
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