July 7, 2025 • 48 mins
What happens when you finally name the trauma that’s shaped your life?
Nicole’s powerful story of surviving childhood physical abuse reveals the journey from silence to truth. For 40 years, she carried the weight of her father’s violence—hit at age five, chased in fear, and witnessing her mother being choked—all while believing it was “normal.”
Even 1,100 miles away, a simple phone call from him could trigger panic. Her desperate need for his approval shaped her life—until she realized the cycle was repeating with her own child. Through therapy, breathwork, and courage, Nicole began connecting the dots and setting boundaries.
When she finally spoke out, her father denied the abuse and cut contact. The grief was real—but so was the freedom.
Nicole’s story is a raw and inspiring reminder: healing begins when we speak the truth.
Follow Nichole:
Facebook: @NicholeMarieCollective
Instagram: @NicholeMarieCollective
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By sharing the hidden lines of our stories, we remind each other we are not alone — together, we step out of hiding and into healing.
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Memoir: Why I Survived, by Jennifer Lee on Amazon
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Imagine when you share your darkest hours they
become someone else's light.
I'm Jennifer Lee, a globalcommunity storyteller, host,
author and survivor, guiding youthrough genuine, unfiltered
conversations.
Together, we break the silence,shatter stigma and amplify
(00:34):
voices that need to be heard.
Each episode stands as atestament to survival, healing
and reclaiming your power.
Listen to I Need Blue on ApplePodcasts, spotify, youtube or
your favorite platform.
Learn more at wwwineedbluenet.
(01:00):
Trigger warning I Need Blueshares real life stories of
trauma, violence and abuse meantto empower and support.
Please take care of yourself andask for help if needed.
Now let's begin today's story.
(01:20):
How Nicole and I met feels likeone of those beautiful moments
when the universe quietly linesup the dots Unexpected, yet
meant to be, and somehow we bothcame out winning.
I'm deeply grateful that ourpaths crossed, and even more so
(01:41):
that Nicole found the courageand space to share her story.
Like so many others, we carrythe weight of painful secrets.
Her voice stayed tucked awayfor much of her life, secrets
(02:01):
wrapped in fear, familyexpectations and the shadow of
heavy religious influence, abuse, manipulation the kind of
trauma that silences.
But something changed.
Nicole reached a powerfulcrossroads.
She asked herself at what pointdo I stop carrying this alone.
Name it for what it is andspeak out so someone else knows
(02:23):
they're not alone.
Her answer Today.
Nicole, thank you for yourbravery, thank you for saying
yes and, most of all, thank youfor being my guest today.
Welcome to the I Need Bluepodcast.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Thank you as well, and thank you for being my
friend too.
It's been wonderful getting toknow you just in this short
period of time.
Also, I want to just say thankyou for doing this.
I know your story and how thiscame about, and if you weren't
following the path that you feltlike you were called to be on
and taking this risk, I wouldn'thave the opportunity to be on
this podcast with you Absolutelyand thank you for your kind
(03:05):
words.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
You know there is something about surrendering and
following that calling, andthat's exactly what I did, so
thank you for acknowledging that.
I appreciate it.
Let's go ahead and get started.
I have a question when did yourealize your dad's actions and
behaviors were not okay?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
That's so hard to pinpoint because, even though I
knew that my childhood was hard,when you're in it you just
think that everybody else's isthe same.
So growing up I knew that noteveryone was afraid of their dad
.
I was afraid, Like I wasinternally afraid of him.
(03:50):
I guess I just thought, well,this is just the way dads are.
You know, if you don't behavelike, you get beat.
And it wasn't until I got alittle bit older that I started
questioning how much is too much.
I truthfully did not think thatI had been through trauma.
(04:13):
I just I didn't.
And until I started exploringthe source of my anxiety and the
source of my depression andthings that I thought were
completely unrelated to it.
I was having so many otherissues in my life that I thought
the anxiety and the depressionwere about other things, and
(04:34):
over seven years of time it hastaken me that long to uncover
that the real reason for so manyof my problems with confidence
and everything was that therewas this fear of my dad and I
live 1100 miles away from himnow.
Every time his picture came upon my phone, I would get this
(04:56):
like my armpits would startsweating from a phone call
within the last year.
Like I really started thinkingabout it.
I think that I need to talkabout this and I've been to
therapy before.
It wasn't something that cameup, which, looking back on it
now, I'm kind of surprised, butI think I was just really
burying it.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Looking back, when did it start, and what did that
look like?
Speaker 2 (05:21):
I have a few vivid memories that I'll never forget,
and the very first one that Ican remember is I was in my
grandmother's driveway.
We were standing outsidegetting ready to take the Easter
picture.
We were waiting for somebody tobring a camera out and my dad
said to me now we have to waitfor somebody with a damn camera.
(05:42):
Now we have to wait forsomebody with a damn camera.
Well, my mom came outside and Idon't know why, but I thought I
should tell her what he said.
So I repeated it and said youknow, daddy said we have to wait
for someone with a damn camera.
And I just remember, somehow wewere left alone again.
Everybody went inside and hebackhanded me in the face and I
(06:05):
just I mean, I think I wasprobably five, I think that's
the first memory that I havewhere I thought that's a little
bit excessive, and I still, evento even till right now, while
we're talking about it, I'm likethinking some people are going
to say well, you deserved it.
That wasn't abuse, that wasyour parent correcting you.
(06:27):
But is that just me saying that?
Because I'm trying to protecthim, I still think to myself
sometimes like, well, I was inthe wrong and that's so not true
.
Like I was not.
I was five and a grown manbackhanded me in the face.
I was five and a grown manbackhanded me in the face.
We don't want adults to do thatto grown women.
So I'm sure that doing it to afive-year-old girl is even more
(06:52):
traumatic.
I never thought of it as trauma.
I never.
I didn't think about it that itwas abuse.
And then more and more storiesstarted coming to the surface
and I was like boy.
When you add all of this up,this kind of sounds like I might
have been abused.
You know like and I'm a nurse.
I was a nurse for eight years.
(07:13):
So you go through training, yougo through domestic violence
training.
You know every time you renewyour license and we're taught to
see these type of things.
And the truth is that it's sohidden I've never talked about
it in 40 years, and now I'mfinding out that my mom never
talked about it, so literally noone knows what went on.
(07:39):
And so now that I'm coming outabout it, it's making some
people very uncomfortablebecause they don't.
They don't believe what I'msaying, and that's really hard.
It's really hard to be a liarwhen you're talking about your
truth that you've been holdingon to and afraid to talk about
for so long.
(07:59):
It's like you don't know whatto expect, but you know it's not
going to be good, so it makesyou not want to talk about it.
You know it's not going to begood.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
You know, it's interesting because I was going
to ask about your mom,especially after that incident.
I have to imagine there was amark or something.
I don't know if you fell.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I don't think my mom even knew.
Like that isolated part is theonly part I remember, so I don't
know if my brain just decidedto ignore the rest, but my mom
never knew about that.
My mom never knew that he didthat to me and I never told her
because, like again, I didn'tthink I was being abused, which
is so strange to say out loud itsounds so stupid, but that I
(08:41):
got 40 years into this life anddidn't see it.
He was always my hero.
He was the person that I alwayswanted.
I was striving for his love mywhole life and then to turn
around and realize that doingthat has been hurting me, it's
really hard to get used to andto unlearn.
(09:01):
It's very hard.
There's so much on this topic.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
We are similar in age and some would say that we grew
up in the generation where thepunishment was you got
physically slapped or you gotthe belt or you got whatever,
and it was just accepted asnormal.
If that's what happened in yourhousehold and whatever and it
also is, the generations of youdon't talk about what goes on in
(09:28):
your house to others.
So already for you finding thecourage to come forward and say,
hey, this is what happened.
And now, as an adult, Irecognize this behavior as
something different.
And you're fighting the oldergenerations of well, that's just
how it is and you shouldn't betalking about it.
And here you are fighting theolder generations of well,
that's just how it is and youshouldn't be talking about it.
And here you are breaking thegenerational norm that went on
(09:50):
back then.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Yeah, I continue to replay the memories and I think
to myself, like, how am I goingto teach people to come out
about this?
Am I going to teach people tocome out about this?
How can I help people come outabout this?
Because there's a fear when youthink about talking about it.
And what good is it going to doto talk about it?
I think that's something that Ikept struggling with.
(10:14):
Like, okay, who am I going totell as an adult?
Why would this matter?
Who's going to care?
I'm an adult.
This happened 35 years ago.
Who's going to care?
I'm an adult.
This happened 35 years ago.
And then you also.
You don't want to be a victim.
And now the last thing I wantto do is say I was abused,
because I just can't believe it.
(10:35):
I feel so strong now that Ican't believe I went through
that.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, I'm going off on atangent.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
No, that actually brings up a really great point
is what do you do when yourealize that you have been a
victim?
What do?
Speaker 2 (10:51):
you do.
So what I started doing wasexploring it.
I just kept thinking about itand I was like it just kept
nagging at me.
And that's one of the things Iactually talk about on my
Instagram and, you know, incoaching, I think my biggest tip
for people would be, whensomething doesn't feel right,
ask yourself why and just keepdigging, because there's an
(11:17):
answer.
And then there's an answerunderneath that and then there's
another answer, and it's neverthe surface level thing, it's
the thing that's like three orfour whys into it, like that's
the real root of the issue.
But when you're talking aboutsomething that happened 35 years
ago, there are so many layersof other things that have built
(11:39):
on top of that one fear the fearof that person that so many
other areas of your life areaffected.
It takes so long to get to theroot cause.
It sounds intimidating to saythat out loud, but it's the only
way to get through it.
(11:59):
It's the only way to be freefrom it.
Only way to be free from it.
My journey on this started sevenyears ago when I was having
panic attacks and I was unableto control it.
The trigger that started me onthis journey into looking into
this was.
I have had anxiety anddepression for years was not
(12:22):
diagnosed until I was like 35years old.
I didn't know where the anxietycame from.
My mom also has it.
We're both very high energy,nervous type people.
Now, looking back at that, mymom was also abused as a child.
I see similarities in heractions and mine because of the
abuse, because we were bothabused.
So now the relationship I hadwith my mom is going to be so
(12:46):
different from here on outbecause I understand her.
Now she doesn't understand herbecause she has not done the
work.
She doesn't understand why sheis like that.
She just thinks this is me andunfortunately I don't think that
she's ever going to explorethat.
She just thinks it's the wayshe is.
But now I see it as traumaresponse.
(13:09):
I know that's what's happening.
So when she starts doing that,it allows me to recognize it and
help her to stop the traumaresponse that she's having.
So I was having anxiety attacksand the one that got me was I
was on my way home with my kidsin the car and I had been having
issues with my gallbladder andI thought maybe I might have to
(13:31):
have it taken out and I panickedmyself into thinking that I was
going to die in surgery beforehaving it looked at before any
testing.
Anxiety connects impossibledots in your brain and makes you
(13:51):
think that something really badis going to happen.
And you feel like you know it.
You have a gut feeling.
I know something bad is goingto happen.
And I was driving and I feltlike I was going to pass out.
And all my kids were in the carand I was like, oh my God, I
have to get control of myselfbecause I'm driving just in my
(14:15):
thoughts and feeling like I'mgoing to pass out.
I was making myself that way.
All of it was happening in myhead.
It was self-inflicted, andthat's when I was like
something's not right, I gottado something.
That's when my journey startedand since then it's been hard
(14:36):
and tough, but also freeing andso life-changing and so
life-changing.
And not only is it going tohelp me, but it ripples out to
my children, to my husband.
(14:56):
It's going to make myrelationship with my mother
better, my relationship with myfriends.
Understanding yourself andgetting control of who you are
is the best thing you can do foryourself.
Finding that my trauma was thebasis of why I was making myself
so mentally ill, was reallyeye-opening.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Yeah, are your parents still together?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
No, they divorced after my father.
He did choke her.
So that was another one of thetimes that I experienced trauma,
and again, I don't see it astrauma.
How old were you when youwitnessed that?
So I wasn't there, but I gotthere shortly after, like just
within minutes.
(15:39):
So I saw the aftermath and Igot the story from my brother,
although I didn't see that part,the choking part.
I saw the smashed plate on thewall.
I saw the smashed phone on thefloor.
I saw my mother, red, shakinguncontrollably, holding my
infant brother.
I saw my uncle and my dad likeI'm gonna take you outside and
(16:01):
we're gonna to settle this.
Like I saw all of that andknowing and seeing the hand
marks on her neck and knowingthat she has documentation at
the police station, like I juststarted thinking about all this
stuff and I'm like this was nothealthy.
This, this, this was nothealthy.
(16:21):
And then, nine, my parentsseparated but my father was
still single for another threeyears.
They were trying to work ontheir marriage.
He would pick us up, typicallydrunk, on Saturday night at nine
or 10 o'clock at night.
It was dark out.
We would go to his house.
We would go to sleep afterwatching TV In the morning, we
(16:42):
would get up, go to church.
He would drop us off at churchwith my mom and then we would go
home.
That was the extent of ourrelationship with him for three
years.
During that time period, if wewere with him I was just always
afraid, because if I did thewrong thing or he got mad, I was
(17:02):
just terrified he was going tobeat me.
I remember him chasing me upthe stairs, like me, running and
crying, trying to run up thestairs and grab at the carpet so
that he could like I don't evenknow what I thought I was going
to do, but I remember crawlingup the stairs and just trying to
grab onto the carpet because Iknew he was going to drag me
downstairs.
And did he catch you, of course, because there was nobody else
(17:26):
there.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Did anybody else like a neighbor or anybody?
Speaker 2 (17:32):
My neighbors were my grandparents and they never my
mom never told them about theabuse that she went through with
him.
So no, they never knew anything.
The night that my dad choked mymom, she did call my grandma
and my grandmother came over andthere wasn't really anything
(17:53):
she could do to call my dad down.
She came over but they justnever got the full story.
And then my parents separatedat that point, which happened in
secret because my mom wasafraid to leave him.
She knew that he wasn't goingto be happy, so she moved out in
secret.
She got an apartment and again,I look back at this as an adult
(18:15):
and I think this is a red flag.
She was afraid of him to thepoint that she got an apartment
a month before she told him andpainted it and renovated it and
was going, you know, in themiddle of the day, while we were
in school, to paint anapartment that we were going to
move into and wasn't telling himbecause she knew he wouldn't
(18:37):
let us go.
We weren't there.
The day that she told him shetook us to a family member's
house and let us stay there forthe weekend, probably because
she knew it wasn't going to begood.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
What were your teenage years like then, having
had experienced this at such ayoung age?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
My father got remarried and what was so
strange was that when he broughtthe woman into his life she
already had two children andthey became his new family.
So he developed a relationshipwith her children and he was
able to get her to marry him.
And it was almost like heresented us because we were my
(19:20):
mom's children.
It was almost like he resentedus because we were a reminder of
them.
It felt like we were just theother kids, the other family.
They would take her kids and goout to dinner when it was just
them, but they would never takeall five of us out Very rarely
maybe for somebody's birthday.
But they would make commentsduring the week when they they
(19:42):
had the kids, like oh well, youknow, when the kids aren't here
we'll go to Ponderosa orwhatever.
And I just remember thinkinglike why does it have to be like
that?
Why are we separate families?
Why don't you love us the wayyou love them?
You know, and to this day hehas a relationship with them.
They buy him Father's Day giftsand they and it like disgusts
(20:03):
me because I'm like that's,that's my dad, that's supposed
to be my dad.
And he wasn't my dad, he wasyour dad.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Why Do you think he treated them the same way that
he abused them too?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Absolutely not.
No, no way, no way.
And his second wife, when theywere dating, she said to me
Nicole, if your dad doesn't cuthis shit, I'm leaving.
And that was the only time thatI ever saw her upset with him.
They never fought, never.
And I truly think that it wasbecause she had the balls enough
(20:40):
to stick up to him.
My mom did not.
And I truly think that it wasbecause she had the balls enough
to stick up to him my mom didnot.
And because my mom didn'tdefend herself or stick up for
herself, it got out of control.
But his new wife was able tostand up for herself.
To be completely honest, she'svery tall and face-to-face.
(21:01):
If you're looking at somebodyface-to-face and threatening
them, it's a lot different thanif you're looking at somebody
smaller and shorter than you andtelling them you're going to
hurt them.
You know so it just it nevergot to that point.
There was no abuse, and Ireally think that's one of the
biggest reasons why people don'tbelieve it is because they're
like they don't.
They saw our family, they sawour life, they saw him with
(21:22):
those kids and they just don't.
They don't believe it.
You know, and and also you knowit was only nine years total of
my life and then a few years,you know, with my mom and the
rest of it, the rest of hismarital life with her.
There's been nothing like that.
So the teenage years were hardbecause my mother and I did not
(21:43):
get along at all.
I was always told that I wasboy crazy and I was made to feel
that because I wanted attentionfrom boys.
That was a bad thing.
I just read my diaries fromhigh school, from 7th, 8th and
9th grade just about a month ago, and every single page is about
(22:07):
boys, different boys.
That's the majority of thebooks and how much I hated my
mom.
I put no substance of much ofanything else and I think it was
because I was so afraidsomebody would read what I was
putting in there.
So I just I was very carefulabout what I said, but the two
(22:32):
repeating things I saw were Ialways wanted attention from
boys and that I hated my mom.
I think that the biggest reasonthat we butted heads so much
was because I'm sure she alsofelt you know, we see in other
people things we don't likeabout ourselves and I think that
because she also went throughthe same experience I did with
(22:55):
her father and suffered physicaland emotional abuse as well.
She probably had the same fearof her father.
So she was always looking forsomeone, just like I was always
looking for someone.
She was always afraid that Iwas gonna sleep around.
Everything was about sex.
It became about sex and it mademe feel so much shame, like so
(23:19):
shameful, that I wantedattention from boys Again.
Until now I haven't been ableto verbalize or talk about why I
was that way, and it's becauseI was looking for some protector
, for someone to love me.
I had a mother who wasstruggling, single mom, working
(23:41):
all the time, four or fivenights a week.
My brothers don't even rememberever having dinner with my mom
because she was always working.
A mom that was really workinghard to keep food on the table
and support us, which she did avery good job at, but she was
very unavailable.
And then a father who had adaughter that needs nurturing.
(24:02):
She needs protection.
She needs somebody to tell heryou don't let people do this to
you.
You stand up for yourself.
If anybody ever tries to hurtyou, you tell me like I will
defend you.
You know I didn't have that.
I had the person that washurting me.
The person that I wanted thelove from was the person that
(24:22):
was beating me, and I don't wantto say I'm sorry, because I
know it needs to come out, butthat's a part of it, right Is?
You got to go through it.
So it was no wonder that Iwanted attention from other boys
, because I wanted somebody totell me that they loved me.
(24:42):
I wanted love.
I see that now with my brotherand his children.
He is the total opposite of mydad and I realize the impact
that a good father has on adaughter's life.
They have so much ability toset their children, their
(25:05):
daughters, up in a way thatthey're empowered and they're
strong and they believe inthemselves.
When your father's not there,you're also shamed for trying to
find love, yeah, validation,like you said, a protector.
(25:26):
Yeah, striving for love, justlike I will do whatever.
Just I want to cling to someone, love me, like that's what
you're just looking for somebodyto like you.
Even my diaries were.
This boy talked to me and hewas so nice to me and basic
things, basic conversations.
There was no sex, there was nolike.
(25:48):
It wasn't about that at all forme.
At one point during my teenageyears my mother kicked me out of
her house and I had to go livewith my dad for a year.
And after that and I moved toFlorida there was a period of
time where my father thought asituation happened and that I
(26:10):
lied to him and it wasn't trueand he refused to talk to me.
After that he told me I neededto get out of his house.
So I packed all of my stuff.
So at that point I was 19 andmy mom and dad had both told me
I couldn't live in their homesanymore.
I was in college and I was atthe end of my semester and I was
starting to get worried becauseI didn't know where I was going
to live.
So my now husband's mom told meto come to Florida.
(26:35):
I was like, are you serious?
And she said yeah, and that wasin 2004.
And I've been here ever since,so it ended up really really
good and it could have beenreally bad.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Was your dad the type to give you hugs or say I love?
Speaker 2 (26:50):
you.
No, I remember one I love you.
For years he refusedcommunication with me.
After he kicked me out of hishouse at two years, I wrote him
a letter and said you know, Iwant to talk this out.
And like he refused to talk tome so emotional abuse, yeah,
Withholding even communicationwith me because I didn't do what
he wanted me to do, Believe meor trust me it was something so
(27:14):
stupid.
Like I wasn't at a friend'shouse when I said I was or
something, but I was there, soit wasn't even something major
that I lied about, Like I didn't, you know, steal a bunch of
money or like you know, itwasn't something outrageous.
And then I, as the child, wentback and said I want to talk
this out.
I'm you know, I want to fixthis.
(27:36):
And he said I love you.
After that four-year time periodhe called me on Christmas,
drunk.
And that was the last time Iremember him telling me I love
you and the only time that Ispecifically remember him saying
it.
I'm sure he said it when I waslittle little, I'm sure, but I
(27:56):
don't remember it at all.
I don't remember any physicalaffection at all.
I do know that he used to brushmy hair.
I remember that and he was verygentle at it, because my mom
used to rake through my hair andhe would be very gentle, it was
like he was being delicate withmy hair.
But then he would beat the shitout of me and after he did that
(28:18):
, after he hurt me and I waslike so upset and crying,
immediately he would be likecome here, I'm sorry, I love you
, and yeah, he would bring me inand like hold me and say he was
sorry and it's okay.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
That's what abusers do, is they show you love and
then they beat you or isolateyou or emotionally manipulate
you, and then they love youagain, like, oh, I'm sorry,
it'll be okay, da-da-da-da-da,did your dad ever say I'm sorry?
Speaker 2 (28:45):
No, and he just found out that I started talking
about it.
And his response to he told mehe wanted to talk to me via text
.
And then he ended up telling mevia text that he knew that I
was talking about stuff.
And then he ended up telling mevia text that he knew that I
(29:25):
was talking about stuff and hesaid you made me look like an
asshole, but I have a voice nowand I don't want you to reach
out to me unless you're willingto admit it.
And it was a very long messagewith specific things that I if
he doesn't remember, that's fine, I remember them, I will remind
him.
So I wrote them out, sent it,um, and his response was well,
(29:48):
I'm out of your life and youneed help.
And after that I blocked himbecause I've held it long enough
and carry it long enough thatnow that I've opened my mouth
and talked about it and I feelI'm feeling the difference of
him not being there anymore himin my life.
(30:09):
If he's not going to admit itWas this recent, this was within
(30:29):
the last month.
Yeah, and I think one of thethings that scares people about
speaking out is that you knowyou're at risk for losing that
person forever.
I knew that he wasn't going tolike it when I started speaking
out.
I knew I didn't know what wasgoing to happen.
I didn't know how he wouldreact, but I knew that it wasn't
(30:50):
going to be good, especiallybecause, like I said, I'm afraid
of him.
I'm not now, not now, but I wasso being afraid of somebody and
then coming out with a secretthat you know is going to be
damaging, it's almost like youdon't want to do it because you
want to protect their reputation.
(31:11):
I didn't want to tell anybodybecause I didn't want to expose
him.
I didn't want him to be upsetbecause people knew I want his
love.
That's all I wanted all hislife.
And now I'm going to do thething that's going to hurt him
in order to save myself, andit's just very difficult, and I
(31:33):
can understand why people don'twant to do it because they're
afraid that they're going tolose the person.
The chances that you're goingto lose that person are very big
.
I get it.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
And there are people that are going to be like why
didn't she just talk to him inperson?
Speaker 2 (31:50):
No, oh my God, Never.
I would not be able to say whatI wanted to say in person,
because as soon as I started totalk and he denied it, I would.
I'm not a fighter, I'm notgoing to stand here and yell
(32:26):
that if I started talking aboutthis, he would have responded
like oh come on, I spanked yourbutt a couple times.
Or he actually told my brotherafter this happened.
In one sentence he said I neverlaid a hand on you kids, but I
do remember that one time thatyou got it.
He said that to my brother.
I mean, so which is it?
Both things came out of hismouth in the same sentence.
I never laid a hand on you kids, but I do remember the one time
(32:48):
you got it.
So it's not never.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Absolutely.
Now you've moved to Florida,you have a boyfriend,
aspirations of getting married.
Do you have any fear that youwill treat your kids the way
that you were raised, like thewhole generational trauma?
Speaker 2 (33:07):
I never wanted to have a daughter because I was
terrified that I was going tohave the relationship with her
that I have with my mom.
I was terrified to have kidsfor that reason and I don't know
what would have happened, youknow, but the relationship
between us was so bad that I didnot want to relive that and I
(33:27):
was afraid that if I had adaughter and she was like me,
that that would happen.
I wasn't afraid to have boysand I was not worried about
generational trauma because,again, I didn't know that I had
been abused.
But something else did happenwhen my middle son was.
I shared this on Instagram.
It's a pretty emotional post.
(33:49):
Hopefully I won't start cryingthis time.
So my son was two, my middle sonwas two at the time.
My oldest was four and we werein their bedroom and I was
sitting on the bunk bed.
On the bunk bed and I don'tremember what he said or what he
did, but I was upset and Islapped him like this on the
face.
So I didn't backhand him likemy father did to me, but I hit
(34:11):
him with the front of my handand that wasn't the first time
that I had had that urge.
I had had that urge before andwas like, okay, he's little,
like don't hit him.
But I hit him in the face and Ihad these rings on that
actually have my kids' names onthem.
And just the way my handslapped his face, I caught his
(34:36):
cheekbone and it left a bruiseon his face bone and it left a
bruise on his face.
I was mortified.
I felt so much shame, so muchguilt, so much fear that people
were going to see what I did andthink I was abusing my children
.
I panicked and that was anotherreally big eye-opener for me
(34:56):
that something was wrong, thatsomething was wrong.
Something was wrong with mebeing able to control my
emotions.
I did not know how to do that.
So when I got mad I would yell,I would lash out, I would you
know.
And when I say yell I meanraise my voice.
I'm not a yeller Like I don'tfight with my husband and I have
(35:17):
never had a verbal, loud,yelling argument ever.
I'm just not that type ofperson.
So I don't yell at them, but Iwould raise my voice.
I couldn't handle it and afterthat I told myself right then
and there I will never hit mychildren ever.
I'll never lay a hand on mychildren ever again.
I kept him out of school becausehe was in preschool and I was
(35:38):
terrified that they were goingto be like why does he have a
bruise?
And it.
I kept him out of schoolbecause he was in preschool and
I was terrified that they weregoing to be like why does he
have a bruise?
And you know, it's funny too,because they could have a bruise
anywhere.
He could have been hit in theface with a baseball or you know
whatever.
I could have lied, but I was soterrified that somebody was
just going to ask, like, buddy,what happened to your face?
And he was going to say, oh, mymommy smacked me.
I started panicking.
I've got to get control of this.
(35:59):
I still.
I still wasn't thinking like,oh, this is trauma.
I just remember thinking my daddid this to me.
My dad slapped me in the faceand I remember that.
Now Roman's going to rememberthat, oh my God.
And it weighed on me for yearsand years and years.
It weighed in my gut.
It was just there digging ahole.
(36:21):
It made me sick.
Every day.
I'd be like is he going to?
Is he going to remember that Ihit him in the face and he's
going to hate me.
He's going to remember that.
I slapped him Like, is he goingto remember that?
And then I panic, thinking, ohmy God, he's going to grow up
and hate me.
He's going to grow up andremember that one thing, and
probably six months ago I askedhim about it Because I just had
(36:43):
to know he said he did, and Iwas so thankful that he didn't
remember, because I don't wanthim to remember that I feel like
(37:04):
that was a sick version of meand somebody that I just don't
want him to remember me likethat, and that was enough
motivation for me to reallystart working on myself.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
How did you get control of your emotions after
the first time that you laidyour hands on your child?
So many people don't know howto do that or where to start.
What did you do?
Speaker 2 (37:32):
The first thing I did was I noticed when I was
getting angry.
I knew that once I got to acertain point it got real hard
to control myself and that'swhen I hit him.
So I told myself pay attentionwhen you get upset.
When it starts, you got to stopit.
So whatever that means for thatperson and I have ADD.
(37:56):
So and that's a whole notherlayer again to this children who
are in a situation where theydo not like something and they
can't do anything about it.
So their body will actuallydivert their attention to
something else.
And children with abuse aretypically in that category.
Because as an infant or a child, when there's fighting or
(38:18):
there's something bad happeningand like my brother being beaten
in front of me and I can't doanything about it, your brain
will tell you to focus onsomething else.
So then you just keep focusingon different things to avoid
what's going on.
I would say probably two yearsago I was in the pantry with my
children.
It was getting too loud andwhen there's a lot of noise,
(38:39):
overstimulated, I legit cannothear my thoughts Like I can't.
Everything's the same sound forpeople that have ADD when
they're trying to concentrate.
I felt it, you know.
I felt it welling up and I said, okay, stop, everybody just
stop for a second.
And now my kids know they'vegotten accustomed to it.
When I say we, everybody juststop for a second.
And now my kids know they'vegotten accustomed to it.
When I say we got to stop for aminute, I'm getting
(39:01):
overstimulated and I'm gettingreally upset.
I make myself just calm down,take a deep breath and I mean
it's gone.
Sometimes just doing that isn'tenough.
Sometimes I have to physicallyremove myself from the situation
and again that's self-awareness.
I used to think that that mademe weak, that I had to remove
(39:24):
myself from the situation.
I'm weak for not being able tocontrol myself.
Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
Very valuable.
Who was the first person youshared your secret with Over
time I have.
Speaker 2 (39:38):
I've talked about it lightly.
I never said the word abuse.
So who was the first personthat I talked to about it?
I've talked about it.
I just couldn't label it.
I couldn't accept that itwasn't just parenting.
How did I first say I've beenthrough trauma?
It was actually on social mediaAt first.
(40:00):
I started talking about theevents.
I just started talking aboutwhat happened and I wasn't
saying trauma.
The word trauma or abuse wasn'treally coming out.
But I was just talking aboutthe stories and about hitting my
son in the face and I said Iknew I needed help, but I still
wasn't saying it.
I put a label, trigger warning,child abuse, trigger warning,
(40:21):
you know and I was like am Ireally going to do this?
Like this is it?
Am I really going to do it?
And I sat here and struggled ohman, this is big.
I don't.
I don't know if I can do this.
I don't know if I can, but Ihave to.
I've already started.
I've started it.
I've just been leaking it, youknow, leaking these little
things out, and I was just likewhat, what do I have to lose?
(40:42):
I just push post, you know,just pushed.
Next just push the button.
But again, I think people get soscared because, even though I
wasn't in any real dangeranymore and I haven't been
abused for years, I didn't wantto break up my family and I knew
that this was going to create alot of issues.
(41:02):
I knew it was going to createwaste.
I didn't want to lose my dadbecause I've been fighting for
his love my whole life.
That's the last thing I want.
I'll probably die still wishinghe loved me.
You know that's never going togo away.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
Would you say now, in regards to your relationship
with your dad, that you'regrieving that relationship, the
loss of never having a dad?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
I didn't think that I was going to grieve and I
actually have a friend that'sgoing through the same thing.
She started talking about hertrauma a few weeks before I did,
and actually seeing her talkabout it gave me the courage to
talk about it.
So I understand it now, becauseonce I saw her talking about it
, I was like, well shit, ifshe's going to talk about it,
then I can talk about it withher.
(41:47):
That's somebody.
I know that it happened to hertoo.
Now I can talk to her about itAgain.
You just think you have tocarry it alone Once you start
talking to somebody and you'relike, oh my God, there's other
dads that did this to their kidstoo.
Like there's other dads likethis.
Like, oh my God, like I want tohelp them.
I want to help these girls getout of that.
(42:07):
Get out of that trap of oftrying to get his love Like it's
never going to happen.
Cut him off and just get out.
It's so much better, you'refree.
I told somebody this today whenI make a decision in my life
when I wanted to go to nursingschool, when I wanted to quit
nursing, when start photography,when I wanted to do boudoir
specifically, when I wanted tomarry my husband, like all of
these major decisions, right,the first person that I think
(42:31):
about is my husband, because heis my number one.
We've been together since highschool.
I cannot believe that we madeit this far.
It's been up and down and justcrazy, but we have, and he's my
biggest supporter.
I can't imagine my life withouthim.
So my first thought is what'sMark going to think about this?
Like, whatever the decision is,how is this going to affect
(42:51):
Mark and us, like ourrelationship, because we're the
pillars, right, we're thepillars of our family.
And then the second questionthat was so micro, little tiny,
this little spark but it wasthere was what's my dad going to
think?
And that was always the second.
He was always the second one.
I was never enough.
Never, never, never, regardlessof all of my accomplishments,
(43:13):
my financial success, mychildren, all of these
accomplishments I thought wouldmake him love me, and I just
kept striving for more.
I ran myself into the ground.
I lost my business because Iwas just trying to prove myself
to him.
Every time I made a decision,I'd think what's my dad going to
think about this?
Is my dad going to?
Is this going to make him loveme more.
Okay, then I'm going to do it.
(43:34):
Love me more.
Okay, then I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do this thing andhe's going to be so proud of me
and I go and I show him and I'mlike dad, I did this, this and
this and I would get silence, athumbs up.
I wanted him to be proud of me.
I wanted to hear him say, likeGod, I'm so proud of you, I love
you so much.
And right there, at the top ofthe most important people that I
cared about was his opinion,and that stopped me from doing
(43:58):
so many things I wanted to dobecause I knew he wouldn't
approve.
Now that it's not there, I feelfree because the only other
person that matters is myhusband.
I know he's always going tosupport me.
So that doubt in myself is gone.
Those thoughts of I'm not goodenough, I'm never going to be
good enough, are gone.
(44:18):
Because that person is now gone.
There is this explosion of likeoh my God, I did it.
Oh my God.
Like people know he's exposed.
Like people know what he did tome.
But more so, I know why I amthe way I am.
Now I know why I was boy crazy.
I know what I was doing.
(44:40):
I know it wasn't related to sex.
It's so much more aboutunderstanding why you were the
way you were and what youthought about yourself and that
it was not true?
Speaker 1 (44:50):
Where does forgiveness play in your healing
process?
I?
Speaker 2 (44:55):
forgive the action because it was so long ago and
he wasn't the same person as heis now.
We all change and we all grow.
So I forgive that.
He did it.
He didn't know.
He didn't know what he wasdoing and, even though he won't
admit it, I truly don't believethat he was doing it to damage
me.
He was just angry and he didn'thave emotional control and he
(45:16):
didn't know how to handle it.
So he beat the shit out of us.
I forgive him for that.
What I don't forgive him for isnot admitting it.
Don't tell me that you didn'tdo it.
It makes me mad.
Like you're going to try totell me that you didn't
physically beat me.
I'm never going to say, oh yeah, you're right, you know what
(45:37):
you didn't do that, never, never.
But I forgive him for theactions and I think that's why I
held onto it for so long, likeI didn't want to expose him.
I didn't feel like that'sreally what he wanted to do to
me.
But the fact that you can'tadmit what you did to me, you
can't tell me you're sorry,can't admit what you did to me,
(45:58):
you can't tell me you're sorry,that's hard.
I can't let go of that andthat's why I blocked him.
I originally wasn't planning ontalking to him until I had some
time.
I am protecting myself becauseI don't want to get a barrage of
phone calls or messages thatare going to upset me when I'm
trying to heal through it.
I just need the time.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
Yep, You're setting your boundary.
Looking down on yourselfthrough adult eyes.
What would you tell that littlefive-year-old girl?
Speaker 2 (46:25):
Oh gosh.
So I did an exercise like thisin breathwork.
I just recently did a 9Dbreathwork and this actually
came up in it and in some of theother work that I've been doing
too.
This actually came up in it andin some of the other work that
I've been doing, too.
That was another reallyeye-opening experience that
pointed to my dad.
You're going into it talkingabout your fears, and my fears
(46:47):
were Mark and I aren't going tomake it, and I went into it with
okay, I'm going to get someclarity on that.
But it wasn't even about him.
It was about my dad, and thefears that I was having weren't
about my marriage or my husband.
But it took me digging to findthat, and during that experience
, they tell you to rememberyourself as a child if you
experience any kind of trauma.
I envisioned myself during thebreath work.
(47:09):
I envisioned going back tomyself and giving her what she
needed.
So I think, instead of tellingher something in my mind in a
meditation, in a meditativestate, while I was remembering
the little girl that wasstanding there watching things
happen and that was putting mybody in between my father, who
was physically in my mom's face,and verbally threatening her.
(47:33):
I slid my body in between themand told him leave my mommy
alone.
That's another memory that Ihave, and so I don't tell that
little girl anything, but in mymeditation and when I think back
to it, I comfort her.
I go back there and I am like Igot you, you're okay, just go
(47:54):
over here and we're going toplay in the corner, just don't
pay attention.
I am now there supporting thatlittle girl, and I know that she
wasn't in the wrong and I knowthat she's safe now and that I
am the comfort that she needed.
I'm there now.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
Thank you so much for sharing, Nicole.
Thank you for being my guest onthe I Need Blue podcast.
Thank you so much.
I really enjoyed being here,Absolutely.
And this is Jen Lee, host ofthe I Need Blue podcast.
If you want to learn anythingand everything about I Need Blue
, visit my website,wwwineedbluenet.
And remember you are strongerthan you think.
(48:34):
Until next time.
Imagine when you share your darkest hours they
become someone else's light.
I'm Jennifer Lee, a globalcommunity storyteller, host,
author and survivor, guiding youthrough genuine, unfiltered
conversations.
Together, we break the silence,shatter stigma and amplify
(00:34):
voices that need to be heard.
Each episode stands as atestament to survival, healing
and reclaiming your power.
Listen to I Need Blue on ApplePodcasts, spotify, youtube or
your favorite platform.
Learn more at wwwineedbluenet.
(01:00):
Trigger warning I Need Blueshares real life stories of
trauma, violence and abuse meantto empower and support.
Please take care of yourself andask for help if needed.
Now let's begin today's story.
(01:20):
How Nicole and I met feels likeone of those beautiful moments
when the universe quietly linesup the dots Unexpected, yet
meant to be, and somehow we bothcame out winning.
I'm deeply grateful that ourpaths crossed, and even more so
(01:41):
that Nicole found the courageand space to share her story.
Like so many others, we carrythe weight of painful secrets.
Her voice stayed tucked awayfor much of her life, secrets
(02:01):
wrapped in fear, familyexpectations and the shadow of
heavy religious influence, abuse, manipulation the kind of
trauma that silences.
But something changed.
Nicole reached a powerfulcrossroads.
She asked herself at what pointdo I stop carrying this alone.
Name it for what it is andspeak out so someone else knows
(02:23):
they're not alone.
Her answer Today.
Nicole, thank you for yourbravery, thank you for saying
yes and, most of all, thank youfor being my guest today.
Welcome to the I Need Bluepodcast.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Thank you as well, and thank you for being my
friend too.
It's been wonderful getting toknow you just in this short
period of time.
Also, I want to just say thankyou for doing this.
I know your story and how thiscame about, and if you weren't
following the path that you feltlike you were called to be on
and taking this risk, I wouldn'thave the opportunity to be on
this podcast with you Absolutelyand thank you for your kind
(03:05):
words.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
You know there is something about surrendering and
following that calling, andthat's exactly what I did, so
thank you for acknowledging that.
I appreciate it.
Let's go ahead and get started.
I have a question when did yourealize your dad's actions and
behaviors were not okay?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
That's so hard to pinpoint because, even though I
knew that my childhood was hard,when you're in it you just
think that everybody else's isthe same.
So growing up I knew that noteveryone was afraid of their dad
.
I was afraid, Like I wasinternally afraid of him.
(03:50):
I guess I just thought, well,this is just the way dads are.
You know, if you don't behavelike, you get beat.
And it wasn't until I got alittle bit older that I started
questioning how much is too much.
I truthfully did not think thatI had been through trauma.
(04:13):
I just I didn't.
And until I started exploringthe source of my anxiety and the
source of my depression andthings that I thought were
completely unrelated to it.
I was having so many otherissues in my life that I thought
the anxiety and the depressionwere about other things, and
(04:34):
over seven years of time it hastaken me that long to uncover
that the real reason for so manyof my problems with confidence
and everything was that therewas this fear of my dad and I
live 1100 miles away from himnow.
Every time his picture came upon my phone, I would get this
(04:56):
like my armpits would startsweating from a phone call
within the last year.
Like I really started thinkingabout it.
I think that I need to talkabout this and I've been to
therapy before.
It wasn't something that cameup, which, looking back on it
now, I'm kind of surprised, butI think I was just really
burying it.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Looking back, when did it start, and what did that
look like?
Speaker 2 (05:21):
I have a few vivid memories that I'll never forget,
and the very first one that Ican remember is I was in my
grandmother's driveway.
We were standing outsidegetting ready to take the Easter
picture.
We were waiting for somebody tobring a camera out and my dad
said to me now we have to waitfor somebody with a damn camera.
(05:42):
Now we have to wait forsomebody with a damn camera.
Well, my mom came outside and Idon't know why, but I thought I
should tell her what he said.
So I repeated it and said youknow, daddy said we have to wait
for someone with a damn camera.
And I just remember, somehow wewere left alone again.
Everybody went inside and hebackhanded me in the face and I
(06:05):
just I mean, I think I wasprobably five, I think that's
the first memory that I havewhere I thought that's a little
bit excessive, and I still, evento even till right now, while
we're talking about it, I'm likethinking some people are going
to say well, you deserved it.
That wasn't abuse, that wasyour parent correcting you.
(06:27):
But is that just me saying that?
Because I'm trying to protecthim, I still think to myself
sometimes like, well, I was inthe wrong and that's so not true
.
Like I was not.
I was five and a grown manbackhanded me in the face.
I was five and a grown manbackhanded me in the face.
We don't want adults to do thatto grown women.
So I'm sure that doing it to afive-year-old girl is even more
(06:52):
traumatic.
I never thought of it as trauma.
I never.
I didn't think about it that itwas abuse.
And then more and more storiesstarted coming to the surface
and I was like boy.
When you add all of this up,this kind of sounds like I might
have been abused.
You know like and I'm a nurse.
I was a nurse for eight years.
(07:13):
So you go through training, yougo through domestic violence
training.
You know every time you renewyour license and we're taught to
see these type of things.
And the truth is that it's sohidden I've never talked about
it in 40 years, and now I'mfinding out that my mom never
talked about it, so literally noone knows what went on.
(07:39):
And so now that I'm coming outabout it, it's making some
people very uncomfortablebecause they don't.
They don't believe what I'msaying, and that's really hard.
It's really hard to be a liarwhen you're talking about your
truth that you've been holdingon to and afraid to talk about
for so long.
(07:59):
It's like you don't know whatto expect, but you know it's not
going to be good, so it makesyou not want to talk about it.
You know it's not going to begood.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
You know, it's interesting because I was going
to ask about your mom,especially after that incident.
I have to imagine there was amark or something.
I don't know if you fell.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I don't think my mom even knew.
Like that isolated part is theonly part I remember, so I don't
know if my brain just decidedto ignore the rest, but my mom
never knew about that.
My mom never knew that he didthat to me and I never told her
because, like again, I didn'tthink I was being abused, which
is so strange to say out loud itsounds so stupid, but that I
(08:41):
got 40 years into this life anddidn't see it.
He was always my hero.
He was the person that I alwayswanted.
I was striving for his love mywhole life and then to turn
around and realize that doingthat has been hurting me, it's
really hard to get used to andto unlearn.
(09:01):
It's very hard.
There's so much on this topic.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
We are similar in age and some would say that we grew
up in the generation where thepunishment was you got
physically slapped or you gotthe belt or you got whatever,
and it was just accepted asnormal.
If that's what happened in yourhousehold and whatever and it
also is, the generations of youdon't talk about what goes on in
(09:28):
your house to others.
So already for you finding thecourage to come forward and say,
hey, this is what happened.
And now, as an adult, Irecognize this behavior as
something different.
And you're fighting the oldergenerations of well, that's just
how it is and you shouldn't betalking about it.
And here you are fighting theolder generations of well,
that's just how it is and youshouldn't be talking about it.
And here you are breaking thegenerational norm that went on
(09:50):
back then.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Yeah, I continue to replay the memories and I think
to myself, like, how am I goingto teach people to come out
about this?
Am I going to teach people tocome out about this?
How can I help people come outabout this?
Because there's a fear when youthink about talking about it.
And what good is it going to doto talk about it?
I think that's something that Ikept struggling with.
(10:14):
Like, okay, who am I going totell as an adult?
Why would this matter?
Who's going to care?
I'm an adult.
This happened 35 years ago.
Who's going to care?
I'm an adult.
This happened 35 years ago.
And then you also.
You don't want to be a victim.
And now the last thing I wantto do is say I was abused,
because I just can't believe it.
(10:35):
I feel so strong now that Ican't believe I went through
that.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, I'm going off on atangent.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
No, that actually brings up a really great point
is what do you do when yourealize that you have been a
victim?
What do?
Speaker 2 (10:51):
you do.
So what I started doing wasexploring it.
I just kept thinking about itand I was like it just kept
nagging at me.
And that's one of the things Iactually talk about on my
Instagram and, you know, incoaching, I think my biggest tip
for people would be, whensomething doesn't feel right,
ask yourself why and just keepdigging, because there's an
(11:17):
answer.
And then there's an answerunderneath that and then there's
another answer, and it's neverthe surface level thing, it's
the thing that's like three orfour whys into it, like that's
the real root of the issue.
But when you're talking aboutsomething that happened 35 years
ago, there are so many layersof other things that have built
(11:39):
on top of that one fear the fearof that person that so many
other areas of your life areaffected.
It takes so long to get to theroot cause.
It sounds intimidating to saythat out loud, but it's the only
way to get through it.
(11:59):
It's the only way to be freefrom it.
Only way to be free from it.
My journey on this started sevenyears ago when I was having
panic attacks and I was unableto control it.
The trigger that started me onthis journey into looking into
this was.
I have had anxiety anddepression for years was not
(12:22):
diagnosed until I was like 35years old.
I didn't know where the anxietycame from.
My mom also has it.
We're both very high energy,nervous type people.
Now, looking back at that, mymom was also abused as a child.
I see similarities in heractions and mine because of the
abuse, because we were bothabused.
So now the relationship I hadwith my mom is going to be so
(12:46):
different from here on outbecause I understand her.
Now she doesn't understand herbecause she has not done the
work.
She doesn't understand why sheis like that.
She just thinks this is me andunfortunately I don't think that
she's ever going to explorethat.
She just thinks it's the wayshe is.
But now I see it as traumaresponse.
(13:09):
I know that's what's happening.
So when she starts doing that,it allows me to recognize it and
help her to stop the traumaresponse that she's having.
So I was having anxiety attacksand the one that got me was I
was on my way home with my kidsin the car and I had been having
issues with my gallbladder andI thought maybe I might have to
(13:31):
have it taken out and I panickedmyself into thinking that I was
going to die in surgery beforehaving it looked at before any
testing.
Anxiety connects impossibledots in your brain and makes you
(13:51):
think that something really badis going to happen.
And you feel like you know it.
You have a gut feeling.
I know something bad is goingto happen.
And I was driving and I feltlike I was going to pass out.
And all my kids were in the carand I was like, oh my God, I
have to get control of myselfbecause I'm driving just in my
(14:15):
thoughts and feeling like I'mgoing to pass out.
I was making myself that way.
All of it was happening in myhead.
It was self-inflicted, andthat's when I was like
something's not right, I gottado something.
That's when my journey startedand since then it's been hard
(14:36):
and tough, but also freeing andso life-changing and so
life-changing.
And not only is it going tohelp me, but it ripples out to
my children, to my husband.
(14:56):
It's going to make myrelationship with my mother
better, my relationship with myfriends.
Understanding yourself andgetting control of who you are
is the best thing you can do foryourself.
Finding that my trauma was thebasis of why I was making myself
so mentally ill, was reallyeye-opening.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Yeah, are your parents still together?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
No, they divorced after my father.
He did choke her.
So that was another one of thetimes that I experienced trauma,
and again, I don't see it astrauma.
How old were you when youwitnessed that?
So I wasn't there, but I gotthere shortly after, like just
within minutes.
(15:39):
So I saw the aftermath and Igot the story from my brother,
although I didn't see that part,the choking part.
I saw the smashed plate on thewall.
I saw the smashed phone on thefloor.
I saw my mother, red, shakinguncontrollably, holding my
infant brother.
I saw my uncle and my dad likeI'm gonna take you outside and
(16:01):
we're gonna to settle this.
Like I saw all of that andknowing and seeing the hand
marks on her neck and knowingthat she has documentation at
the police station, like I juststarted thinking about all this
stuff and I'm like this was nothealthy.
This, this, this was nothealthy.
(16:21):
And then, nine, my parentsseparated but my father was
still single for another threeyears.
They were trying to work ontheir marriage.
He would pick us up, typicallydrunk, on Saturday night at nine
or 10 o'clock at night.
It was dark out.
We would go to his house.
We would go to sleep afterwatching TV In the morning, we
(16:42):
would get up, go to church.
He would drop us off at churchwith my mom and then we would go
home.
That was the extent of ourrelationship with him for three
years.
During that time period, if wewere with him I was just always
afraid, because if I did thewrong thing or he got mad, I was
(17:02):
just terrified he was going tobeat me.
I remember him chasing me upthe stairs, like me, running and
crying, trying to run up thestairs and grab at the carpet so
that he could like I don't evenknow what I thought I was going
to do, but I remember crawlingup the stairs and just trying to
grab onto the carpet because Iknew he was going to drag me
downstairs.
And did he catch you, of course, because there was nobody else
(17:26):
there.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Did anybody else like a neighbor or anybody?
Speaker 2 (17:32):
My neighbors were my grandparents and they never my
mom never told them about theabuse that she went through with
him.
So no, they never knew anything.
The night that my dad choked mymom, she did call my grandma
and my grandmother came over andthere wasn't really anything
(17:53):
she could do to call my dad down.
She came over but they justnever got the full story.
And then my parents separatedat that point, which happened in
secret because my mom wasafraid to leave him.
She knew that he wasn't goingto be happy, so she moved out in
secret.
She got an apartment and again,I look back at this as an adult
(18:15):
and I think this is a red flag.
She was afraid of him to thepoint that she got an apartment
a month before she told him andpainted it and renovated it and
was going, you know, in themiddle of the day, while we were
in school, to paint anapartment that we were going to
move into and wasn't telling himbecause she knew he wouldn't
(18:37):
let us go.
We weren't there.
The day that she told him shetook us to a family member's
house and let us stay there forthe weekend, probably because
she knew it wasn't going to begood.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
What were your teenage years like then, having
had experienced this at such ayoung age?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
My father got remarried and what was so
strange was that when he broughtthe woman into his life she
already had two children andthey became his new family.
So he developed a relationshipwith her children and he was
able to get her to marry him.
And it was almost like heresented us because we were my
(19:20):
mom's children.
It was almost like he resentedus because we were a reminder of
them.
It felt like we were just theother kids, the other family.
They would take her kids and goout to dinner when it was just
them, but they would never takeall five of us out Very rarely
maybe for somebody's birthday.
But they would make commentsduring the week when they they
(19:42):
had the kids, like oh well, youknow, when the kids aren't here
we'll go to Ponderosa orwhatever.
And I just remember thinkinglike why does it have to be like
that?
Why are we separate families?
Why don't you love us the wayyou love them?
You know, and to this day hehas a relationship with them.
They buy him Father's Day giftsand they and it like disgusts
(20:03):
me because I'm like that's,that's my dad, that's supposed
to be my dad.
And he wasn't my dad, he wasyour dad.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Why Do you think he treated them the same way that
he abused them too?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Absolutely not.
No, no way, no way.
And his second wife, when theywere dating, she said to me
Nicole, if your dad doesn't cuthis shit, I'm leaving.
And that was the only time thatI ever saw her upset with him.
They never fought, never.
And I truly think that it wasbecause she had the balls enough
(20:40):
to stick up to him.
My mom did not.
And I truly think that it wasbecause she had the balls enough
to stick up to him my mom didnot.
And because my mom didn'tdefend herself or stick up for
herself, it got out of control.
But his new wife was able tostand up for herself.
To be completely honest, she'svery tall and face-to-face.
(21:01):
If you're looking at somebodyface-to-face and threatening
them, it's a lot different thanif you're looking at somebody
smaller and shorter than you andtelling them you're going to
hurt them.
You know so it just it nevergot to that point.
There was no abuse, and Ireally think that's one of the
biggest reasons why people don'tbelieve it is because they're
like they don't.
They saw our family, they sawour life, they saw him with
(21:22):
those kids and they just don't.
They don't believe it.
You know, and and also you knowit was only nine years total of
my life and then a few years,you know, with my mom and the
rest of it, the rest of hismarital life with her.
There's been nothing like that.
So the teenage years were hardbecause my mother and I did not
(21:43):
get along at all.
I was always told that I wasboy crazy and I was made to feel
that because I wanted attentionfrom boys.
That was a bad thing.
I just read my diaries fromhigh school, from 7th, 8th and
9th grade just about a month ago, and every single page is about
(22:07):
boys, different boys.
That's the majority of thebooks and how much I hated my
mom.
I put no substance of much ofanything else and I think it was
because I was so afraidsomebody would read what I was
putting in there.
So I just I was very carefulabout what I said, but the two
(22:32):
repeating things I saw were Ialways wanted attention from
boys and that I hated my mom.
I think that the biggest reasonthat we butted heads so much
was because I'm sure she alsofelt you know, we see in other
people things we don't likeabout ourselves and I think that
because she also went throughthe same experience I did with
(22:55):
her father and suffered physicaland emotional abuse as well.
She probably had the same fearof her father.
So she was always looking forsomeone, just like I was always
looking for someone.
She was always afraid that Iwas gonna sleep around.
Everything was about sex.
It became about sex and it mademe feel so much shame, like so
(23:19):
shameful, that I wantedattention from boys Again.
Until now I haven't been ableto verbalize or talk about why I
was that way, and it's becauseI was looking for some protector
, for someone to love me.
I had a mother who wasstruggling, single mom, working
(23:41):
all the time, four or fivenights a week.
My brothers don't even rememberever having dinner with my mom
because she was always working.
A mom that was really workinghard to keep food on the table
and support us, which she did avery good job at, but she was
very unavailable.
And then a father who had adaughter that needs nurturing.
(24:02):
She needs protection.
She needs somebody to tell heryou don't let people do this to
you.
You stand up for yourself.
If anybody ever tries to hurtyou, you tell me like I will
defend you.
You know I didn't have that.
I had the person that washurting me.
The person that I wanted thelove from was the person that
(24:22):
was beating me, and I don't wantto say I'm sorry, because I
know it needs to come out, butthat's a part of it, right Is?
You got to go through it.
So it was no wonder that Iwanted attention from other boys
, because I wanted somebody totell me that they loved me.
(24:42):
I wanted love.
I see that now with my brotherand his children.
He is the total opposite of mydad and I realize the impact
that a good father has on adaughter's life.
They have so much ability toset their children, their
(25:05):
daughters, up in a way thatthey're empowered and they're
strong and they believe inthemselves.
When your father's not there,you're also shamed for trying to
find love, yeah, validation,like you said, a protector.
(25:26):
Yeah, striving for love, justlike I will do whatever.
Just I want to cling to someone, love me, like that's what
you're just looking for somebodyto like you.
Even my diaries were.
This boy talked to me and hewas so nice to me and basic
things, basic conversations.
There was no sex, there was nolike.
(25:48):
It wasn't about that at all forme.
At one point during my teenageyears my mother kicked me out of
her house and I had to go livewith my dad for a year.
And after that and I moved toFlorida there was a period of
time where my father thought asituation happened and that I
(26:10):
lied to him and it wasn't trueand he refused to talk to me.
After that he told me I neededto get out of his house.
So I packed all of my stuff.
So at that point I was 19 andmy mom and dad had both told me
I couldn't live in their homesanymore.
I was in college and I was atthe end of my semester and I was
starting to get worried becauseI didn't know where I was going
to live.
So my now husband's mom told meto come to Florida.
(26:35):
I was like, are you serious?
And she said yeah, and that wasin 2004.
And I've been here ever since,so it ended up really really
good and it could have beenreally bad.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Was your dad the type to give you hugs or say I love?
Speaker 2 (26:50):
you.
No, I remember one I love you.
For years he refusedcommunication with me.
After he kicked me out of hishouse at two years, I wrote him
a letter and said you know, Iwant to talk this out.
And like he refused to talk tome so emotional abuse, yeah,
Withholding even communicationwith me because I didn't do what
he wanted me to do, Believe meor trust me it was something so
(27:14):
stupid.
Like I wasn't at a friend'shouse when I said I was or
something, but I was there, soit wasn't even something major
that I lied about, Like I didn't, you know, steal a bunch of
money or like you know, itwasn't something outrageous.
And then I, as the child, wentback and said I want to talk
this out.
I'm you know, I want to fixthis.
(27:36):
And he said I love you.
After that four-year time periodhe called me on Christmas,
drunk.
And that was the last time Iremember him telling me I love
you and the only time that Ispecifically remember him saying
it.
I'm sure he said it when I waslittle little, I'm sure, but I
(27:56):
don't remember it at all.
I don't remember any physicalaffection at all.
I do know that he used to brushmy hair.
I remember that and he was verygentle at it, because my mom
used to rake through my hair andhe would be very gentle, it was
like he was being delicate withmy hair.
But then he would beat the shitout of me and after he did that
(28:18):
, after he hurt me and I waslike so upset and crying,
immediately he would be likecome here, I'm sorry, I love you
, and yeah, he would bring me inand like hold me and say he was
sorry and it's okay.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
That's what abusers do, is they show you love and
then they beat you or isolateyou or emotionally manipulate
you, and then they love youagain, like, oh, I'm sorry,
it'll be okay, da-da-da-da-da,did your dad ever say I'm sorry?
Speaker 2 (28:45):
No, and he just found out that I started talking
about it.
And his response to he told mehe wanted to talk to me via text
.
And then he ended up telling mevia text that he knew that I
was talking about stuff.
And then he ended up telling mevia text that he knew that I
(29:25):
was talking about stuff and hesaid you made me look like an
asshole, but I have a voice nowand I don't want you to reach
out to me unless you're willingto admit it.
And it was a very long messagewith specific things that I if
he doesn't remember, that's fine, I remember them, I will remind
him.
So I wrote them out, sent it,um, and his response was well,
(29:48):
I'm out of your life and youneed help.
And after that I blocked himbecause I've held it long enough
and carry it long enough thatnow that I've opened my mouth
and talked about it and I feelI'm feeling the difference of
him not being there anymore himin my life.
(30:09):
If he's not going to admit itWas this recent, this was within
(30:29):
the last month.
Yeah, and I think one of thethings that scares people about
speaking out is that you knowyou're at risk for losing that
person forever.
I knew that he wasn't going tolike it when I started speaking
out.
I knew I didn't know what wasgoing to happen.
I didn't know how he wouldreact, but I knew that it wasn't
(30:50):
going to be good, especiallybecause, like I said, I'm afraid
of him.
I'm not now, not now, but I wasso being afraid of somebody and
then coming out with a secretthat you know is going to be
damaging, it's almost like youdon't want to do it because you
want to protect their reputation.
(31:11):
I didn't want to tell anybodybecause I didn't want to expose
him.
I didn't want him to be upsetbecause people knew I want his
love.
That's all I wanted all hislife.
And now I'm going to do thething that's going to hurt him
in order to save myself, andit's just very difficult, and I
(31:33):
can understand why people don'twant to do it because they're
afraid that they're going tolose the person.
The chances that you're goingto lose that person are very big
.
I get it.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
And there are people that are going to be like why
didn't she just talk to him inperson?
Speaker 2 (31:50):
No, oh my God, Never.
I would not be able to say whatI wanted to say in person,
because as soon as I started totalk and he denied it, I would.
I'm not a fighter, I'm notgoing to stand here and yell
(32:26):
that if I started talking aboutthis, he would have responded
like oh come on, I spanked yourbutt a couple times.
Or he actually told my brotherafter this happened.
In one sentence he said I neverlaid a hand on you kids, but I
do remember that one time thatyou got it.
He said that to my brother.
I mean, so which is it?
Both things came out of hismouth in the same sentence.
I never laid a hand on you kids, but I do remember the one time
(32:48):
you got it.
So it's not never.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Absolutely.
Now you've moved to Florida,you have a boyfriend,
aspirations of getting married.
Do you have any fear that youwill treat your kids the way
that you were raised, like thewhole generational trauma?
Speaker 2 (33:07):
I never wanted to have a daughter because I was
terrified that I was going tohave the relationship with her
that I have with my mom.
I was terrified to have kidsfor that reason and I don't know
what would have happened, youknow, but the relationship
between us was so bad that I didnot want to relive that and I
(33:27):
was afraid that if I had adaughter and she was like me,
that that would happen.
I wasn't afraid to have boysand I was not worried about
generational trauma because,again, I didn't know that I had
been abused.
But something else did happenwhen my middle son was.
I shared this on Instagram.
It's a pretty emotional post.
(33:49):
Hopefully I won't start cryingthis time.
So my son was two, my middle sonwas two at the time.
My oldest was four and we werein their bedroom and I was
sitting on the bunk bed.
On the bunk bed and I don'tremember what he said or what he
did, but I was upset and Islapped him like this on the
face.
So I didn't backhand him likemy father did to me, but I hit
(34:11):
him with the front of my handand that wasn't the first time
that I had had that urge.
I had had that urge before andwas like, okay, he's little,
like don't hit him.
But I hit him in the face and Ihad these rings on that
actually have my kids' names onthem.
And just the way my handslapped his face, I caught his
(34:36):
cheekbone and it left a bruiseon his face bone and it left a
bruise on his face.
I was mortified.
I felt so much shame, so muchguilt, so much fear that people
were going to see what I did andthink I was abusing my children
.
I panicked and that was anotherreally big eye-opener for me
(34:56):
that something was wrong, thatsomething was wrong.
Something was wrong with mebeing able to control my
emotions.
I did not know how to do that.
So when I got mad I would yell,I would lash out, I would you
know.
And when I say yell I meanraise my voice.
I'm not a yeller Like I don'tfight with my husband and I have
(35:17):
never had a verbal, loud,yelling argument ever.
I'm just not that type ofperson.
So I don't yell at them, but Iwould raise my voice.
I couldn't handle it and afterthat I told myself right then
and there I will never hit mychildren ever.
I'll never lay a hand on mychildren ever again.
I kept him out of school becausehe was in preschool and I was
(35:38):
terrified that they were goingto be like why does he have a
bruise?
And it.
I kept him out of schoolbecause he was in preschool and
I was terrified that they weregoing to be like why does he
have a bruise?
And you know, it's funny too,because they could have a bruise
anywhere.
He could have been hit in theface with a baseball or you know
whatever.
I could have lied, but I was soterrified that somebody was
just going to ask, like, buddy,what happened to your face?
And he was going to say, oh, mymommy smacked me.
I started panicking.
I've got to get control of this.
(35:59):
I still.
I still wasn't thinking like,oh, this is trauma.
I just remember thinking my daddid this to me.
My dad slapped me in the faceand I remember that.
Now Roman's going to rememberthat, oh my God.
And it weighed on me for yearsand years and years.
It weighed in my gut.
It was just there digging ahole.
(36:21):
It made me sick.
Every day.
I'd be like is he going to?
Is he going to remember that Ihit him in the face and he's
going to hate me.
He's going to remember that.
I slapped him Like, is he goingto remember that?
And then I panic, thinking, ohmy God, he's going to grow up
and hate me.
He's going to grow up andremember that one thing, and
probably six months ago I askedhim about it Because I just had
(36:43):
to know he said he did, and Iwas so thankful that he didn't
remember, because I don't wanthim to remember that I feel like
(37:04):
that was a sick version of meand somebody that I just don't
want him to remember me likethat, and that was enough
motivation for me to reallystart working on myself.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
How did you get control of your emotions after
the first time that you laidyour hands on your child?
So many people don't know howto do that or where to start.
What did you do?
Speaker 2 (37:32):
The first thing I did was I noticed when I was
getting angry.
I knew that once I got to acertain point it got real hard
to control myself and that'swhen I hit him.
So I told myself pay attentionwhen you get upset.
When it starts, you got to stopit.
So whatever that means for thatperson and I have ADD.
(37:56):
So and that's a whole notherlayer again to this children who
are in a situation where theydo not like something and they
can't do anything about it.
So their body will actuallydivert their attention to
something else.
And children with abuse aretypically in that category.
Because as an infant or a child, when there's fighting or
(38:18):
there's something bad happeningand like my brother being beaten
in front of me and I can't doanything about it, your brain
will tell you to focus onsomething else.
So then you just keep focusingon different things to avoid
what's going on.
I would say probably two yearsago I was in the pantry with my
children.
It was getting too loud andwhen there's a lot of noise,
(38:39):
overstimulated, I legit cannothear my thoughts Like I can't.
Everything's the same sound forpeople that have ADD when
they're trying to concentrate.
I felt it, you know.
I felt it welling up and I said, okay, stop, everybody just
stop for a second.
And now my kids know they'vegotten accustomed to it.
When I say we, everybody juststop for a second.
And now my kids know they'vegotten accustomed to it.
When I say we got to stop for aminute, I'm getting
(39:01):
overstimulated and I'm gettingreally upset.
I make myself just calm down,take a deep breath and I mean
it's gone.
Sometimes just doing that isn'tenough.
Sometimes I have to physicallyremove myself from the situation
and again that's self-awareness.
I used to think that that mademe weak, that I had to remove
(39:24):
myself from the situation.
I'm weak for not being able tocontrol myself.
Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
Very valuable.
Who was the first person youshared your secret with Over
time I have.
Speaker 2 (39:38):
I've talked about it lightly.
I never said the word abuse.
So who was the first personthat I talked to about it?
I've talked about it.
I just couldn't label it.
I couldn't accept that itwasn't just parenting.
How did I first say I've beenthrough trauma?
It was actually on social mediaAt first.
(40:00):
I started talking about theevents.
I just started talking aboutwhat happened and I wasn't
saying trauma.
The word trauma or abuse wasn'treally coming out.
But I was just talking aboutthe stories and about hitting my
son in the face and I said Iknew I needed help, but I still
wasn't saying it.
I put a label, trigger warning,child abuse, trigger warning,
(40:21):
you know and I was like am Ireally going to do this?
Like this is it?
Am I really going to do it?
And I sat here and struggled ohman, this is big.
I don't.
I don't know if I can do this.
I don't know if I can, but Ihave to.
I've already started.
I've started it.
I've just been leaking it, youknow, leaking these little
things out, and I was just likewhat, what do I have to lose?
(40:42):
I just push post, you know,just pushed.
Next just push the button.
But again, I think people get soscared because, even though I
wasn't in any real dangeranymore and I haven't been
abused for years, I didn't wantto break up my family and I knew
that this was going to create alot of issues.
(41:02):
I knew it was going to createwaste.
I didn't want to lose my dadbecause I've been fighting for
his love my whole life.
That's the last thing I want.
I'll probably die still wishinghe loved me.
You know that's never going togo away.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
Would you say now, in regards to your relationship
with your dad, that you'regrieving that relationship, the
loss of never having a dad?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
I didn't think that I was going to grieve and I
actually have a friend that'sgoing through the same thing.
She started talking about hertrauma a few weeks before I did,
and actually seeing her talkabout it gave me the courage to
talk about it.
So I understand it now, becauseonce I saw her talking about it
, I was like, well shit, ifshe's going to talk about it,
then I can talk about it withher.
(41:47):
That's somebody.
I know that it happened to hertoo.
Now I can talk to her about itAgain.
You just think you have tocarry it alone Once you start
talking to somebody and you'relike, oh my God, there's other
dads that did this to their kidstoo.
Like there's other dads likethis.
Like, oh my God, like I want tohelp them.
I want to help these girls getout of that.
(42:07):
Get out of that trap of oftrying to get his love Like it's
never going to happen.
Cut him off and just get out.
It's so much better, you'refree.
I told somebody this today whenI make a decision in my life
when I wanted to go to nursingschool, when I wanted to quit
nursing, when start photography,when I wanted to do boudoir
specifically, when I wanted tomarry my husband, like all of
these major decisions, right,the first person that I think
(42:31):
about is my husband, because heis my number one.
We've been together since highschool.
I cannot believe that we madeit this far.
It's been up and down and justcrazy, but we have, and he's my
biggest supporter.
I can't imagine my life withouthim.
So my first thought is what'sMark going to think about this?
Like, whatever the decision is,how is this going to affect
(42:51):
Mark and us, like ourrelationship, because we're the
pillars, right, we're thepillars of our family.
And then the second questionthat was so micro, little tiny,
this little spark but it wasthere was what's my dad going to
think?
And that was always the second.
He was always the second one.
I was never enough.
Never, never, never, regardlessof all of my accomplishments,
(43:13):
my financial success, mychildren, all of these
accomplishments I thought wouldmake him love me, and I just
kept striving for more.
I ran myself into the ground.
I lost my business because Iwas just trying to prove myself
to him.
Every time I made a decision,I'd think what's my dad going to
think about this?
Is my dad going to?
Is this going to make him loveme more.
Okay, then I'm going to do it.
(43:34):
Love me more.
Okay, then I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do this thing andhe's going to be so proud of me
and I go and I show him and I'mlike dad, I did this, this and
this and I would get silence, athumbs up.
I wanted him to be proud of me.
I wanted to hear him say, likeGod, I'm so proud of you, I love
you so much.
And right there, at the top ofthe most important people that I
cared about was his opinion,and that stopped me from doing
(43:58):
so many things I wanted to dobecause I knew he wouldn't
approve.
Now that it's not there, I feelfree because the only other
person that matters is myhusband.
I know he's always going tosupport me.
So that doubt in myself is gone.
Those thoughts of I'm not goodenough, I'm never going to be
good enough, are gone.
(44:18):
Because that person is now gone.
There is this explosion of likeoh my God, I did it.
Oh my God.
Like people know he's exposed.
Like people know what he did tome.
But more so, I know why I amthe way I am.
Now I know why I was boy crazy.
I know what I was doing.
(44:40):
I know it wasn't related to sex.
It's so much more aboutunderstanding why you were the
way you were and what youthought about yourself and that
it was not true?
Speaker 1 (44:50):
Where does forgiveness play in your healing
process?
I?
Speaker 2 (44:55):
forgive the action because it was so long ago and
he wasn't the same person as heis now.
We all change and we all grow.
So I forgive that.
He did it.
He didn't know.
He didn't know what he wasdoing and, even though he won't
admit it, I truly don't believethat he was doing it to damage
me.
He was just angry and he didn'thave emotional control and he
(45:16):
didn't know how to handle it.
So he beat the shit out of us.
I forgive him for that.
What I don't forgive him for isnot admitting it.
Don't tell me that you didn'tdo it.
It makes me mad.
Like you're going to try totell me that you didn't
physically beat me.
I'm never going to say, oh yeah, you're right, you know what
(45:37):
you didn't do that, never, never.
But I forgive him for theactions and I think that's why I
held onto it for so long, likeI didn't want to expose him.
I didn't feel like that'sreally what he wanted to do to
me.
But the fact that you can'tadmit what you did to me, you
can't tell me you're sorry,can't admit what you did to me,
(45:58):
you can't tell me you're sorry,that's hard.
I can't let go of that andthat's why I blocked him.
I originally wasn't planning ontalking to him until I had some
time.
I am protecting myself becauseI don't want to get a barrage of
phone calls or messages thatare going to upset me when I'm
trying to heal through it.
I just need the time.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
Yep, You're setting your boundary.
Looking down on yourselfthrough adult eyes.
What would you tell that littlefive-year-old girl?
Speaker 2 (46:25):
Oh gosh.
So I did an exercise like thisin breathwork.
I just recently did a 9Dbreathwork and this actually
came up in it and in some of theother work that I've been doing
too.
This actually came up in it andin some of the other work that
I've been doing, too.
That was another reallyeye-opening experience that
pointed to my dad.
You're going into it talkingabout your fears, and my fears
(46:47):
were Mark and I aren't going tomake it, and I went into it with
okay, I'm going to get someclarity on that.
But it wasn't even about him.
It was about my dad, and thefears that I was having weren't
about my marriage or my husband.
But it took me digging to findthat, and during that experience
, they tell you to rememberyourself as a child if you
experience any kind of trauma.
I envisioned myself during thebreath work.
(47:09):
I envisioned going back tomyself and giving her what she
needed.
So I think, instead of tellingher something in my mind in a
meditation, in a meditativestate, while I was remembering
the little girl that wasstanding there watching things
happen and that was putting mybody in between my father, who
was physically in my mom's face,and verbally threatening her.
(47:33):
I slid my body in between themand told him leave my mommy
alone.
That's another memory that Ihave, and so I don't tell that
little girl anything, but in mymeditation and when I think back
to it, I comfort her.
I go back there and I am like Igot you, you're okay, just go
(47:54):
over here and we're going toplay in the corner, just don't
pay attention.
I am now there supporting thatlittle girl, and I know that she
wasn't in the wrong and I knowthat she's safe now and that I
am the comfort that she needed.
I'm there now.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
Thank you so much for sharing, Nicole.
Thank you for being my guest onthe I Need Blue podcast.
Thank you so much.
I really enjoyed being here,Absolutely.
And this is Jen Lee, host ofthe I Need Blue podcast.
If you want to learn anythingand everything about I Need Blue
, visit my website,wwwineedbluenet.
And remember you are strongerthan you think.
(48:34):
Until next time.
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