Mental Wellness

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I'm here, I'm all for it, I'm all for it.

(00:21):
Matthew Dew, welcome to the I see you bro podcast and we're happy to have you. When we thought about this episode and what we will be talking about and all of the things that we wanted to dive into you were one of the first names that came up.
I appreciate that for real. That's dope. Much respect.

(00:41):
Yeah, and not only super proud of the things that you have done but the things that you currently do and outside of the things that you do, who you are. We always think we like we don't really care what you do. We care about who you actively are right when we bring people in into the space and into the conversation so shout out shout out to you.
I appreciate that as much respect for others I appreciate all the I'll be even thinking considering myself. Yeah, I told him to have regard because I know you're pretty well. Yeah, so respected very mutual. Thank you before I want to pass it to before Yuri asked our first question.

(01:16):
I'll say that I'll say that I'll save that story. He's okay. So y'all know there's been this like crazy journey of me being like, all right. I'm about to shift into
the hook right when I first got the residency program with assembly Matthew saw he was like bro you being weird. No joke. He was like you being weird. And he was like stop when you when you go into spaces.

(01:47):
Know that you're there for a reason. You know go in there as your full self don't don't play this don't play that game. You know, he didn't call me weird but that's what he was saying he was like you acting weird bro and so many words yeah he was like you acting weird but you not being yourself and he right
so that's the prime example of like a I see you bro moment happening. Like personified in a lot of people don't get to see that in black men in those conversations that happened on the background, where it's like yo you you kind of slipping on your pimping, bro.

(02:20):
You know what got you in here is not how you showing up.
It's funny that he brought this up man because, in all honesty, when I saw written in assembly that day I was like bro you not being yourself.
I literally I was like you're he does that same thing to me. No, I was like yo you're not being yourself like you got to show your full potential who you are in here.

(02:41):
Like your energy. The person that you are is what people are going to respect and always love. Don't downgrade who you are don't down, you know downsize your personality. Be you 24 seven like let these people here know exactly who you want entry and on exit.
They're going to respect you a lot more rather than, you know, we show up and put this face on like hey I'm here I'm, you know, like, be you.

(03:05):
I'm walking to everywhere my exact self it's a meeting at a certain time and I'm dressing soccer clothes. We're still going to take this meeting because you're going to respect me for who I am.
And I'm saying, if I got to walk in there with soccer gear on I'm in there with soccer gear on which you booked me for a reason because you know what I bring to the table.
Yeah, and that's what I was getting him to understand was like, you're an intelligent young black man. You have a voice you have charisma you have all of these great personalities.

(03:28):
Don't let nobody here make you feel smaller than you are because it just as big as everybody in here from that day forward I watched him and I every time I see him it's the same energy because from that day forward he transformed inside that building.
And I was like, that's the person I want to see every time in here. Yeah, it happens. It happens and thank you again for being here it happens and it's Yuri's like that to Yuri's one of the people that will be like, bro y'all being weird.

(03:54):
Why y'all acting like that, you know where he like I'm not actually agreeing with, I'm not actually agreeing with this, you know, which brings us to, you know, I know you're you got a question for us.
I got a ton.
I got a ton I was prepping all day for this I think this is going to be a great conversation so thank you for coming through Matt definitely appreciate it.

(04:17):
I wanted to ask each individual here kind of where you are mentally today and I can start by saying that I acknowledge that there is a shift happening.
I feel like there's growth going on because I find that a lot of shit just doesn't make sense. Right, like things that were working professionally personally for the last how many ever months, suddenly stopped which means that there is adjustments that need to be made, right.

(04:47):
tweaks that need to be made.
I find myself leaning on things like basketball to kind of, I don't know just give me that that that thing for me to clear my mind and take me away from the everyday right, I find myself leaning on people more.
I got my, my first mentor at this company.

(05:10):
Just deeper conversations with the Lee at home.
But yeah, just find myself in this space where I acknowledge the growth that's going on I know I acknowledge that it's uncomfortable, but it's, you know I'm taking it day by day and going through because I understand that the this happens from time to time right and we either accepted
and acknowledge it or we rejected and continue being the same as we are now and I choose growth every time so I'm excited to see where that leads.

(05:39):
I'm excited to see the changes that come about in that process, but um, yeah that's currently where I'm at and I'll open the floor to whoever wants to go next and kind of explain a little bit about where you are mentally today and how that's affecting you in any way.
Go ahead Brandon, you got it.

(06:00):
Yeah, so where am I.
Along the lines of what you said that there's this shift that's happening right now.
And I can't really quite understand it.
And I know it's not necessarily meant for me to fully understand it right now, but to walk confidently in the, in the progress of it.

(06:26):
I'm being called to not really settle in my being you know like really listen to my body these days like what is your neurology say I always talk about like listening to what is your heart say what, like there's your stomach drop, when you talking to somebody and there's a decision made.
And so that, that is becoming much harder to ignore. Yeah.

(06:49):
That voice, that voice gets louder and louder. Like that's a good thing I think. And this, and this, and so there's clear exactly exactly exactly and that's like, we're always taught to kind of like ignore that and be likable and conform to the room.
And yeah and conform to the room and losing that is risky it feels very risky. And so, I mean, mentally, I'm good, but I still feel very, a little nervous right.

(07:23):
It's like this nervous courage. So, let me ask you this question I don't mean to cut you. No, you're good. Is that nervous courage vulnerability.
Yes, yes. Would you say that it's because I feel a sense of, I would say it's a little bit of nervousness but it can be a little bit of fear and I think Tremen and I spoke about this is like fear is not something I run away from anymore it's a guide.

(07:47):
Yeah, like if I fear something that I have that that's coming up for me. I know that I need to dive fully into that because that fear what I fear is is ultimately was going to cause the growth right within me to accomplish that or to do that thing so just wanted to add those
two cents but yeah please.

(08:10):
I want to listen to pay. I love the fear. You know, for me fears, what brings it out he brings the courage out of you.
It's like, at the end of the day that fear is going to push you to either one or two ways to you to be the greatest version of yourself, or you to hide everything.
As a child you grow to hide everything, but as you get older and becoming a man. You start to what become that lion, you start to break away those fears and like shed those things away, because at some point it can affect you anymore but as a kid you keep them in.

(08:44):
Yeah, you hold on to the real tight like it's your favorite toy, your favorite game you don't want to let it go.
But as a man, and then becoming these changes in life and phases. We got to let certain things go we got to shed them. And so I mean even now myself from that today.
Man, I'm thankful, I'm grateful. A lot of alignments been happening for me.

(09:06):
You know, the progression and the projections are going up. And I'm just giving grace man like, yeah, each day above ground and being able to do the things that I do and impact the people that I get to impact and and realize that what I'm doing is bigger than me.
It's way bigger than me. And the rooms that I get to walk into the access that I get the people that I get to interact with every single day even the strangers that I meet and give things to and talk to.

(09:35):
It blows my mind. Like even in the present moment, I feel completely different now. And that's just the space that I'm in. Yeah, it's like the aura is different.
You know last year I got to find out who I was and what I can do what I can't do and they say what I can do what I haven't done yet. Right.
And to come in at 24 where we're here and with what 31 days in a month in any things that I've accomplished in a month already has allowed me to go ahead and say you know what it's time.

(10:05):
You can no longer look back. It's way too many people watching me.
It's a lot more at stake, and you're capable of doing more. Yeah. So if you want greatness you got to go for it. And what better time than now.
So with that I've learned to not overwork myself. Yeah, but to work.

(10:26):
Why's yeah yeah learn how to manipulate space.
Learn how to manipulate you know the variables around you, the people around you and when I see the people around you as in like knowing who to have conversations with, and how far they need to go and who not to have conversations with.
You know sometimes we, we want to keep friends along we want to keep certain situations along and realize at some point that bad feeling that you had a month ago about this person.

(10:51):
It's kind of just time to keep it there.
Like, what's going on you good. I'm good word.
I'm out of here.
Go on to the competition that really matters.
Go on, go into the rooms that really matter that really challenge you because now we're at the age of challenge. Yeah, we could no longer keep doing the same things on the treadmill.
It's like we need a new workout. Yeah.
We need a new mental push.

(11:12):
Because we get bored.
We already know your response if I already know your responses, you're no longer in the same conversation for me.
I need that challenge from that need you to pick my brain I need you to push me to be better because I'm holding you to that standard.
That's good. So that's just a little bit of where I'm at today.
And, you know that that to me takes courage it takes, but a lot of grace it takes a lot of grace.

(11:34):
And I'm truly thankful for that. And I mean the people that are in my life. I love them for it.
Because they've helped me become that person in the last year year and a half where and it took a lot of breaking down a lot of self assessment but I'm here.
Yeah. Thank you for sharing that bro for people that for people that don't know.
And we'll get into a lot of what you've done in the journey. I know you're he wants to ask that before we slide over to Mars but before we slide to Mars.

(12:04):
I want to say that Matthew is one of God's favorites for the people that don't know.
One of God's favorites for sure.
But Mars.
I appreciate that for real.
And you said I'm glad he said it was what I was thinking to my mental health today is like tested you know I think our mental health is always tested.

(12:29):
And we tend to forget that when we forget that it's kind of like you know we're out of practice right you said you need that mental push right and always try to tell people when I'm talking about mindset and mental health and mental wellness is it's like going to the gym.
And stop addressing it. Your body's going to you know you're affected and you'll see a change right. But in mental mental health and mental wellness a lot of people don't really see the change until it's too late or it's boiled over where it's not supposed to.

(12:55):
So I just say mine's tested but it's good that I'm able to have self care and spaces like this where I can come and get reenergized from through growth because all you guys said growth and growing and being blessed and stuff and so I feel that energy when you know I'm able to be in spaces like this but yeah it's definitely tested
but I think that's on an everyday basis when you're like a community servant like me.

(13:16):
True. Very true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gotta put gotta fill your cup up brother. Yeah. So always.
Appreciate y'all for sharing man definitely do just wanted to get a sense of where we all currently are just that we can start peeling back the layers and uncover a little bit more about our wellness journeys individually because it all led us here to this this room this space right.

(13:42):
So I wanted to ask just kind of what prompted your wellness journey. I can start while people while y'all just think y'all answers for me.
I know that my mental wellness journey started when I was at my loneliest moment I feel.
It's at a time where I realized that it was on me to save me right like I had been through what I've been through a lot of those circumstances I did not have control over.

(14:17):
I have control over now on how I heal from those traumas those circumstances and now I get to in a sense dictate how that looks moving forward and how I pay it forward right. But first I need to do the work for me right before I start helping anyone else because it's my thing that

(14:38):
my healing will help others heal right. So I felt like at a certain point I had reached different levels of success.
Whether it was you know basketball here or like when I joined the military. I was just thrown into like leadership positions fairly early but I found that I was my own worst enemy right like things would happen to where I'm not reaching my full potential.

(15:10):
It's almost as if I hit a peak and then I just nosedive and then I have to rebuild myself shed all of that and rise again and it felt like that kept happening over and over I would hit a peak nosedive hit a peak nosedive and I was like how do I keep a more steady flow so where it's not that dramatic.
So I would say that started my wellness journey and so where I started exploring different things and you'll hear for the listeners you'll hear so many different options people went through to get to where they are in terms of what they practice but literally just starting to look into

(15:47):
meditation right going on walks walking on the beach barefoot like different things that just made me feel good again because I found myself in a perpetual state of always feeling tired always feeling angry or bad so I would say that's what led me to my journey.
I was around

(16:09):
maybe 23 years 24 so like early to mid 20s when I really started. Um, but yeah, definitely curious to understand how y'all's mental wellness journey started.
Kind of, and we got it we got a little glimpse so definitely if you want to go last and kind of, you know, share your story and how you got there and then we can go to Brenton next and share that but yeah definitely curious to hear about this.

(16:39):
Yeah.
All y'all have really great stories, you know, true, just amazing past. Wait, real quick. How old were you when like when was to answer you when you answering your question how old were you when you started that all like about 23 24.
Yeah, I was. I feel like they. These crisis happened in my life at different points.

(17:06):
You know where there's, you know, there are moments of overt emergency.
There was one that happened at 25.
There was one that happened at 28.
There's there is one that happened. That is happening now.
You know, you know, but but but I think, like what really exactly, and I'm learning to appreciate that. Thank you.

(17:39):
But the moment that I really like became present with my journey, because this is like crisis happened, but like when you become present, you know what a different you deal with it when you become one with your body.
You like, oh, oh this you here.
You're here.
And I think I was 29.

(18:03):
And it was working as a youth director at a church.
And y'all know I always talk about my faith how that's a big deal to me like that was totally crashed, because my faith community was taken away from me, the things that I had like the way that I was doing spiritual relationship was more rooted in religion.

(18:28):
And it really burned a lot of my foundation and a lot of my views. And so not only were my views and like my faith was tarnished but also like my community was gone.
And my job was gone my well being was gone. I had nothing so you lost everything I lost everything.
And it was at that point where it's like okay you, you feel like you about to die.

(18:53):
That's, that's when like, you know, like yoga started, or like those like a lot of what I've built in what I've created has come out of nothing in me feeling like me losing everything.
And that's the journey has been beautiful I will tell you all that I'll tell you all and everybody listening, anything that we talked about on this podcast I know for me, I wouldn't trade it, you know, because it has made me so strong and so tenacious.

(19:30):
And it really gave me a sense of like, don't, don't.
Don't do not.
Don't.
And so the journey has been beautiful it's been a beautifully hard, and it's still beautifully hard.
It's beautiful but it's hard as hell.

(19:51):
And so, and it started at 25 but I got present, right, right before I turned 30. Yeah, so kind of the same. I got really I started around 2324 but really locked into it around 27.
So you're, I guess we like, are pretty much the same experience.
I'd say that's really about the same as well. I think 25.

(20:13):
So when I was in the military I got a, they sent me to rehab because I got a possible DUI up in New York. I say possible because when you go through anything in civil or in civilian world.
You also have to go through actual stuff in the military world. I was about to ask. Double whammy. I was about to be like what's a possible DUI. Right.

(20:35):
So in the courts I didn't get a DUI. Okay. Okay. I got a traffic infraction. Okay.
But God loves you. Ish. Ish. We not doing no Ish on the Lord's name.
He does. I mean he does because the position I was in I could have not been here today. It could have been worse. Yes, it could have easily been worse.

(21:01):
But I don't mean it like it wasn't because of the break on the, you know, the whatever I got. You know what I mean. Not that. I don't agree with that part. You know what I mean.
Okay. It's because I was in New York and yeah. Or a bad situation. Exactly. But then I put myself in. So I guess I'm kind of a knucklehead. And so you know I ended up. It happens. Yeah. Getting kicked out of the military before they kick you out.

(21:24):
They send you to rehab. Right. So that they really. Yeah. If you got in trouble for any of those things like drugs or alcohol. So that you never told us this story. Thank you for. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Yeah.
It was 2018. So when I went to rehab I went and I saw all these different kind of you know ways of healing right ways of talking to people through the I was watching the people that was around me for sure because I'm a people watcher and I like to understand and figure out why people do stuff.

(21:56):
And for me more of them was like looking at them like why are you in here for the fifth time. Like you know I mean and so like that's really I was understanding people on that level. Right. But then I was also looking at the doctors and the and the certified people that was helping us and one of the ladies I was really involved with us for most of the days.

(22:17):
She had a therapy dog and she was really really sweet and I remember it was like halfway or almost I was about was about to leave because it was in house if you know what that means that means is that you I stayed there for like 30 30 days.
But anyways she was I think it was like almost like to the end and she had told me that she had a drug problem. I was like what. Not at that time. Right. But she had gone through her own journey but you would never have thought she was super skinny white lady just really soft and really loving.

(22:54):
But I guess hippie like I did just I think it makes more sense. I totally missed it right. But I think right around that time I was like this is what I want to do. Right. Just love on people bring people together and support group met fashions.
She would read us an affirmation every morning. Right. And so you're talking about 25 that inspire your cards. It didn't. Not at all. Actually. So it's funny because some of the things that just come to me in different times they're kind of connected and I'll be like oh that's kind of what

(23:23):
probably inspired that in me. You know I mean like the breakfast club where they're like all misfits and stuff. That's like one of my favorite white movies. And like I'm sorry I say like that but yeah it's a movie.
I know it is. It is. But just them being all misfits and I was like oh these are the things that inspire me. But so those that kind of started my mental wellness journey because it was up in Connecticut and we were able to rock climb and do all these different things.

(23:49):
It was a military. People were active duty and veterans but they were going there for rehab and the way they would get people involved in like their own healing journey was to take people out rock climbing take people out like if you don't know the stuff where you can
like connect and slide zip line zip line a little bit of zip lining we would hiking and it was just all these different things to get your mind off of like the crap right. The world just in general right.

(24:20):
Because that's usually why people use or misuse right. So that started it. And then like I said I'm a knucklehead. So all of that went away after I actually left and stuff. I wasn't doing all the crazy stuff. I did learn some stuff like that's when I stopped drinking alcohol in 2018.
I haven't drink since because I realized I really I really I appreciate it. I realized I didn't need it. I just I don't. And so when I finally turned 27 something else happened you know and I don't know if I'm ready to share that stuff yet.

(24:46):
You know on here. Yeah. But you know to where I had to look at myself you know and really figure out who I am and what do I want to do and what do I want to become. And you know I mean like.
And so somewhere along the lines from high school and 25 to 27 I kind of lost the fun of being me and just living you know I mean because I was a provider. I started being a dad and husband being in the military.

(25:12):
All these different things that kind of shifted who I was because I was just providing so.
Trapping right back up about two and a half to three years ago I went to school for psychology and started thinking about it and I started hiking one of the mental wellness things I did listening to my body. It was one of the biggest things listening to the universe the world the nature.

(25:34):
And so those things actually really was very helpful in my mental health and mental wellness journey somewhere.
I was touched on it. It took us on a journey. Yeah that's kind of you had to feel it. Yeah. And just so you know if and when you're ever ready to share that there's the space for it. Oh yeah of course. But if you're not this is also the space for that too. Oh yeah I don't know if I'm ready to share with everybody else but I'll share with you.

(25:56):
That's fine. But yeah let's go ahead man let's go ahead and hear what got you started on your mental wellness journey and what you know what that looked like. What it looked like is survival.
Straight out the gate.
We just not kind of figuring out what mental health is but throughout life I could tell you as a being born and being Jamaican you know what I'm saying. Coming and living in America that's survival.

(26:24):
You're taught a whole nother bargain. Yeah. You know what I'm saying. So as a child you don't. I'm 36 I don't know what mental health is a young kid at all. So I think you crazy right so mental health really just kicked in now as a term.
Survival instinct is what gets you to this point. That's what got me where I'm at. You said immigrant parents from Jamaica. Yeah. Where did they settle at.

(26:46):
Here. Oh here in Virginia. I started in Jersey New York. Okay I was about to say you got that accent. That's why I asked. Yeah no we started in New Jersey and came down here. Okay. My parents too. Jersey.
See up north Brick City. But it's real. You know you're taught everything is literally survival like here you go through these struggles you're not accustomed to like the regular things you that's normal when you go to see other friends and families is when you realize oh I don't eat dinner at eight o'clock at nine o'clock.

(27:14):
I eat dinner nine o'clock six o'clock dinner is weird to me like I've never heard of that. You know what I'm saying. You're not washing dishes and telling your mom what you go like that's weird. I don't know what that is.
I can't do it in my house. Yeah. My mom say we bought to eat rice and chicken. It's rice and chicken tonight. If it's just chicken with no rice. If it's rice with ketchup. Right. We don't make it like it's survival tactics and as a child you don't know that you just know that this is the best thing in the world. You know what I'm saying.

(27:43):
And so like now it's kind of made light of like oh what a poor man's meal is back in the day that was if it was sausage on the bread. Listen that was everything. God I grew up off a bully beef and rice. If you don't know what bully beef and rice is that's literally like spam and rice with great seasoning and onions and I promise you you eat it like a steak dinner.

(28:04):
Salami and rice and ketchup eggs and rice. Right. So there are things that I've witnessed that I've seen that have made me adjust you know to not want to do. You know I'm saying we all grow up in different environments. I happen to be fortunate enough to grow up in a lot of different environments.
Like I grew up around the world seeing different cultures studying different cultures as a child. So like I can tell you my young days I was studying you know Greek philosophy Egyptian philosophy watching you know Chinese kung fu movies and studying discipline from a young age and applying it.

(28:39):
You know I'm saying when I'm in my 90s kids so we grew up understanding what a Michael Jordan mentality was and seeing that along the same lines of seeing you know Alan Iverson. You know what I'm saying. So we grew up with the mentality of seeing both like we got the best of everything.
What internet was what internet wasn't. You know what I'm saying to see what the effect of somebody putting a comment at the bottom of your myspace might do to you. You know what I'm saying. Having a different phone like all of those different survival tactics of having what's the latest thing.

(29:08):
Not understanding like oh you don't need that. Having three cell phones just to have it having the next to pay like these are all survival things that we grew up witnessing and wanting to do.
You know what I'm saying. We wanted to have the big money we wanted to have the gold chain we wanted to be the dope boy for no reason have the extra big white t shirt because it was a cool thing to have.
And then it switched for me.

(29:29):
That is what made me really find mental health.
I lost my cousin.
I tried to save a man's life that was dying in my arms.
I pulled seven people out of a car that was going to die.
That changed everything for me and this is two years ago. This is when the last hour within the last five years.

(29:50):
That changed everything for me. And I'm a father with the kids.
You know what I'm saying.
You're not prepared for these things there's no one to say to you yet this is when death comes at you this is what it's going to look like this is how you should feel like no.
You can't tell me how I'm going to feel about that there's no preparation.
Everything I ever go through life I kept the same face like I'm good I can I will survive. That's all I know is to buy the tactics.

(30:17):
But as I got older I started to realize like you really got to let it out.
Yeah, you got to talk about it express yourself in a different way.
Write it down. Go for a walk.
Dealing with kids is my is a release for me.
Giving back to the communities is giving back to the community to me the biggest thing in the world.

(30:38):
Like it's cool to look to be the cool guy on the block is even better to be the band that's controlling the block.
Yeah, not through drugs but through your involvement in the community word there's no greater power than walking into a building and everybody knows you are loving you genuinely for who you are.
Without having to have a dollar come out of your pocket.
Like that to me matters being able to walk into the community that they say oh you can't walk in there and walking out like this is your area.

(31:03):
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
I grew up in Virginia Beach I've been in Chesapeake I've been in Norfolk I've been in Hampton I've been in Suffolk been in Portsmouth.
Like, there's no way I haven't been.
But there's people in all of these cities that I can connect with.
Do whatever is possible inside me to do so because I realized when COVID hit we lost the communication with everybody.

(31:29):
We lost how to connect we lost how to feel and it forced a lot of people to have to face reality.
Why is your relationship not working you got to face that.
Why don't your kids deal with this you got to face that.
Am I a good parent I got to face it.
Every day too.
Right. Because there's no going anywhere you're in the house you can't go to the store you couldn't even get fresh air.

(31:52):
If you stepped outside somebody was gonna call the cops.
But COVID showed me that kids have no outlet.
Imagine if you're the child that's at an abusive home.
You can't get out of that.
And there's no one to save you.
Imagine if you're the kid that's told no 24 7.

(32:16):
Who's going to tell you yes.
And now imagine the flip side of that.
Well all you're told is all you're told is yes.
You have no idea what structure is having to critically think having to do anything because all you're told is yes.
So you have two different ends of the spectrum with no guidance.
And you've been able to go to teach both.
Right.
Both lifestyles both rooms both households and still have the adaptability and that relate ability to both the parents and the kids.

(32:47):
And I don't know what it is inside of me that the Lord bless me with but it's just the ability to be able to connect the dots and to figure it out and how to pivot in those rooms.
Because once I walk into those room and I speak to the parents and say well look this is no you see you already see these red flags.
And if you saw another child do you like oh that's that's how I can't do that around mine.
But that be your job.

(33:08):
Yeah.
You know I'm saying now your child got to understand how to connect these dots with this kid over here.
And so I like to mix the pot put everybody in the same room together from different areas and cities at all times.
That's a skill to because I'm a coach as well.
And I deal with kids too. So being able to talk to the parents is a whole nother skill from being able to relate and teach the kids.

(33:34):
Yeah. I have a question. I'm listening.
You talk about you touch on it a little bit in your journey you talk about grief a bit and losing people throughout that journey.
When I was talking I was thinking that hey you know there are a lot of people that are actually dealing with dealing with grief right now and grief does bring a lot of people to that journey into that point.

(34:01):
And it doesn't have to be a physical death.
It could be there are many different forms of death.
Right. You could be grieving you know parents that are alive but not necessarily in your life.
What would you tell somebody on that journey that's experiencing grief based off of this you know your experience and I'm noticing with a lot of black men the rate at which we lose people in the rate at which we see death.

(34:33):
Very high.
It's very, very high.
My best advice is don't become numb to it.
Like a lot of times and I say this openly to a lot of people as a young black man you're not told a few things and it starts your entire life and you're not showed them very often.

(34:59):
Love grief
and genuine.
As a young black man you're not taught those things they might have shown you it.
But when you watch a movie you only know love based upon what buying it.
How do you make your woman happy by buying stuff.
It's not showing her who you genuinely are.

(35:21):
And I'm saying it is rare.
Yeah, grief.
Suck it up it's gonna be okay.
That's what we told you crying for literally what are you crying for.
You got to be a man.
So you're told that from a young age you get older.
It's not really until you get older that you're like wow this is not real.

(35:43):
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The Cannes is dedicated to building sustainable careers for the creative class through artist development, arts education, and public art projects.
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(36:09):
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You said something earlier about a release like that's really when the healing and the mental world started.
That's when it started.
That's why I started at 27 versus 25 for me because I was learning to heal.

(36:32):
Right it's real.
But you had to release.
From here I gathered some similarities between us all.
When the mental wellness journey started for us it was a different age than when we really started to I wouldn't say like work with it.
Work with it, implement it into our lives daily, see the fruit of the seed that we planted years ago.

(36:59):
But also another similarity was and I have it written down.
It seems like from each of our own journeys what brought us to I guess start that journey led us on our mental wellness journey I mean led us on another one to where it seems like we want to help people who may or may not be going through those same things.

(37:26):
You know we can't stop it if they're going through those same things but we can create the spaces, the events, the businesses, the foundations to at least let them know that they're not alone and at least provide an outlet for them that we might not have had.
Right.
When we started our journey.
That's the whole goal is to be able to create and I don't like to use the word safe space.

(37:51):
Because it's an environment we all live in an environment so we create an environment that people can come in and be themselves.
A lot of times we're stuck trying to hide or mask who we are at some stage or point.
Even if it's with your best friend at some point you've had a mask on with your best friend and not kept it a hundred.
You know what I'm saying. So in an environment where you feel capable to do so you're going to be a more genuine self and you don't realize what that is until you become older. That's why I said the other third the last one is being genuine.

(38:22):
So once you really start to find out who you are by loving yourself. That's where the love comes from.
Being vulnerable comes from like being genuine. It comes from internally and then it shows itself outward.
And whenever a man finds that within himself that's where everything for him starts to change and he starts to shed the fears the guilt the grief the pressures because that's when life is at its most purest for that man because he's now realized everything that I went through necessarily wasn't my fault or my circumstance or the burden for me to bear.

(38:56):
But I carried it with me because I didn't have any other way and no one taught me otherwise.
So now we understand that and now when we have these conversations with other people we know that look. Yeah.
And I'm saying we know that what we can relate in that moment like you'll get a hoop of but think about this.

(39:17):
Like you know and good with arena citizen in an interview one day and it blew my mind. It was real.
It was like you know if you play in the game you go miss shots. Why are you getting mad if you miss like you're never going to go 100 400 never go to 20 20.
So why are you mad you miss a shot in practice. That's what you're practicing for. Right. Like one of the things I tell kids all the time is like you're here to train you make a mistake.

(39:39):
I'm happy because that's what you're here for.
And I don't care if you make a mistake. You're not here to be perfect. Let me make you a better player.
It's just like we all sit in the room to make people better by hearing what their faults are what their errors are what their strengths are what the weaknesses are because we can relate to it and help point them in a better direction because we've gone through so many different things.

(40:00):
That's good. We can tap and pinpoint and so many different other lessons and you know things that we've gone through through experience because it's life.
And I've had days and new experience like the minute I get a chance to be above ground by 10 toes get to touch the floor the next day. I'm already thankful. Yeah. Because there's people that don't get that opportunity.
Yeah. They have less. And trust me we complain about life sometimes but it could be a lot worse. Yeah. Even when I complain nowadays I'm like even even with all that I'm still grateful like I make sure to express gratitude because I'm pretty sure y'all feel the same way as like the moments

(40:37):
or anything that I could complain about today. At one point I prayed to be exactly where I'm at that word right there prayed. That's it. We all get down on our knees at some point and say listen Lord I promise you.
Boy. Give me one more chance. Yeah. Yeah. I got need this opportunity to fall through. Swear. But he's he's shown us in those moments though like what's for you and what's not for you because when he makes it for you you grow abundantly.

(41:05):
You can it's no denying that it's no denying it. But when it's not for you he looks at how you react to that moment because you see the make or break. Once he if he tells you no that's not for you. It's not the right time.
Sometimes you just got to take a step back and be like you know what you write. Let me reassess and reevaluate. What could I have done better. What can I do about myself to be better. And once you do that the blessing come and it's tenfold.

(41:32):
But he's he's assessing us along the way. It's always an assessment of how you react. I trust him to people they got the most money they pay other people to do the job that they don't. Yeah. Yeah. I've never seen a rich person say they say I'm going to go do this for you.
They be like look James here's 10,000 go make that happen and bring it to him so then he can make whatever the next piece is happening.
They're not sitting there saying I'm going to run and drive my car. No. Yeah. Yeah. They go get the next person to do it and it gets done right there. Immediately. There's a reason why that person is anxious about whatever the task is. Yeah.

(42:04):
The most anxious person about the task. They don't get it done because they know that pressure that they're trying to get into they know what they're trying to do next. Why they're being called upon.
It's just as if any of you get called upon in that moment. You're like I got you. Yeah. I know what you need. I know what to get done and you're prepared for it. Trust me. There's a reason why once you start to excel in life the pressures no longer.

(42:26):
They you look at a little situation that used to tick you off. It don't take you off two months later. Nope. Because your mental space changes your environment your aura it all changes.
Yes. You're growing every day. Let me ask you this. And then I guess you guys can ask to when's kind of like the first time you was able to talk to somebody about your mental health like maybe like a friend because I know you talked about like being having a facade when you're with some people even if it's your close people and kind of creating those not necessarily safe spaces but genuine spaces for people to be themselves.

(43:01):
When was the first time you was actually able to be yourself and talk about your mental health journey.
I honestly think it was the time.
I can I can name a few moments. One of them was actually me and Tremaine had a conversation together we were talking.
We had a deep deep conversation and I let him like know what was going on. Another was with Dodie and him had a really deep conversation just about everything that was going on.

(43:32):
And other than that, in all honesty, it was with myself.
Like the really at that time when all these things are happening. There wasn't people that I knew to talk to you but I had a conversation with myself and I cried talking with myself.
And then I'm saying, like I genuinely poured the tears out because I was just like, it's so much pressure.

(43:59):
And I'm wearing the burden of everything on my shoulders.
I'm saying, and then I found, you know, speaking publicly when I went to city council and spoke about my cousin passing away.
That was literally right there.
That changed everything for me.
And I never stopped from then, because I was, I was already talking to her about the things that I was doing and feeling her in because it was so important to me.

(44:26):
Through her laws changed the reason why I'm more involved. But that's the I'm glad you said that because that's my that's kind of my answer to like when I finally sat down to talk to myself and kind of like question myself like yo.
Yeah.
Who you want to be man like you're like what like like it's like this Ray more than talking to somebody else because, like you said there is that back in the back of your head do I want to tell them everything.

(44:57):
And sometimes you don't even tell yourself everything right I want to hear it. Yeah, true. Because then when you hear it.
You got to deal with it so but when I actually started dealing with the stuff in the back of my head like and listening to myself that was the person I actually talked to first right then I'm now today I'm able to talk to everybody about it like we're on this platform talking
everybody about it.

(45:19):
But that's a that's a real one right there.
Yeah, I think about it.
That talk that talking to yourself is.
Shit.
I'm telling you, yeah, you will sit there and it into me I mean we all end up having a conversation with ourselves depending on where your mental strength is and how you push this muscle right here that's the most powerful.

(45:40):
But I literally I had the conversation and I was like, I can't keep running from the issues in my path.
You know I'm saying I can't keep running from what I'm supposed to be doing. Like what I still love to be playing professional soccer. Absolutely. What I still love to be traveling what I still love to do all of these great things yes have I had disappointments.
How you setbacks. How you like moments from sitting there like this is about to happen and it goes south and be like, this is not real.

(46:11):
Yeah, and having to pivot.
And the quite honest with you once you start to face, you know, disappointments fears and lessons and understand like okay it's not a bad thing.
It's not the end of the world.
Like, it is not the end of the world and we're only taught that it's, it's over.

(46:35):
Like once you hear it's over it's like a fear. It's like if a girl tell you it's over you like, all of a sudden your heart drop like damn it's over for real.
Even though you might have been waiting to break up with her.
It's a different you like y'all been trying to break up with you for two weeks but you tell me it's over. It hurts my heart right smack different feeling right.
Once you hear it's over. And as a man, it's like a different feeling.

(46:58):
Your throat is like,
but it's real. It's okay. You know what I'm saying. You don't get the job that you thought you were qualified for. It's what it is what it is. It's another job coming. It's how determined are you to want it.
Are you all you just gonna go back to the same same old same old.

(47:20):
You're gonna relapse, you're gonna keep going.
Because we see what the relapse looks like around us. We see the same friends in the same position in the same rotation. It ain't nothing changed. That's the relapse. I'm gonna start calling it.
It's the relapse bro. There's the relapsers over there.
I remember the first time that I had that real conversation. It was with myself as well.
And I verbatim said to myself, I said, do your boot.

(47:45):
What'd you say? Right. Exactly. I said, y'all annoying.
Y'all also very dramatic. Hey, do not cut that out.
Jermaine almost fell out from dropping. You choked too.
Okay. And I was really about to be really deep.

(48:10):
All right. Cool. Look, I'm a little comedy. Never heard nobody.
All right. So I remember the first the first conversation that I had and I said, do you believe that your life still matters?
Do you believe that your life is good enough to still fight for every single day?
Do you believe that the rest of your life can be the best part of your life despite what has went down?

(48:41):
And that was the first time that I was really honest about my with myself and with someone about the things that I had been through, the things that I had currently been suffering through.
And I was like, oh, yeah, you got to get some help.
You have to start talking to people. Yeah. Or you're going.
I was already imploding and and it was going to begin to pour out.

(49:09):
And based off of what I had seen around me, I could be one of those cases. Right.
You know, where I really do some crazy, some crazy, you know, and that's when I realized I needed to talk to somebody.
Yeah. Which I want to share the statistic really quickly.
And then, Yuri, I want you to share as well.

(49:35):
But the statistic is from the American Psychological Association.
It was an article that they did in January of twenty twenty three.
And it's a therapy statistics, a statistic, and it says only twenty six point four percent of black and Hispanic men ages 18 to 24 who experience daily feelings of anxiety or depression were likely to have used mental health services.

(50:06):
Only twenty five percent of us, you know, I bring that statistic up because it's like more of us need to be talking to somebody. And I know that that is a taboo topic, you know, and we're not really taught to actually share ourselves with people.
But that me sharing myself and opening up and trusting people with the true me, it actually did some amazing things in my life. And I'm actually the person that I am today because of the people that I because of what my vulnerability and opening myself up to people.

(50:43):
You know, and so I know that I know that this is a scary topic for a lot of people listening.
When we talk about sharing ourselves with people, because oftentimes, like I said, when we share ourselves with people, they will tell us that we shouldn't be crying or they might take that information and use it in a very, very tough way.

(51:06):
I've struggled with that and sharing some of the things up here on this podcast.
But I will tell you that sharing those parts of you that people don't see one people love you more for the right people do the right people do.
But to there's a strength that comes with it.
Yeah, because you face it because you face in it.

(51:28):
Being yourself exactly so much power is so much genuine. So and even like there's a quote like the strongest thing you can do as a man is as for help.
I used to think that was some suckers shit. I'm not gonna lie.
But as I grow older, I understood like, as a man, the hardest thing you can do is admit that you need some help.

(51:52):
The second hardest thing is admitting that and going to find the help yourself. When did you realize that? Or when did when did you first share your you know who you were in time take off that mass with your friends and family?
I've tried several different times. I think I shared on the fetishizing episode about me like openly telling people about like why I was the way I was at that time.

(52:16):
And yeah, we're like, like dismissive about it. I kind of went into my own show. I you know, fuck you all. I'm not sure nothing anymore.
Right. But you get to a point where you need to tell somebody like you're literally driving yourself crazy.
At least I was right. And it started with me talking to myself and really asking myself some of the same questions you were Brenton like like, do I care if I if I live or die?

(52:45):
Like, yes, I've accomplished things you got to ask. You know what I'm saying? Like I've accomplished things that I'm not even happy for.
Like people are congratulating me. I'm barely even cracking a smile. And it's just like, am I even happy? You know what I'm saying?
Like why? Like I know I'm I'm living. I'm supposed to I'm here for a reason. Like I believe this for a long time, but I don't know what it is. I felt lost for a long time. And it started with me having those conversations with myself first and uncovering some of those answers.

(53:21):
That's like, look, I'm not happy because of this. You know, these things that happened, you know, are my fault and I have to take accountability for it and kind of grow from them and move forward.
Right. And just really realizing like where I'm where I am, where I want to be and what I need to do to close that gap.

(53:42):
Right. Shortly after speaking, you know, with myself, I started expressing it through other mediums. Right.
Like creating a clothing brand. You all seen the logo. It's not a happy eye. It's an eye with a tear on it. Right.

(54:04):
So I started expressing myself through like different mediums and then people. And when I started being around people that have gone through similar things, we don't all share the same trauma, but it is similar in a way.
Right. In some sense, the same trauma feeling. Yeah. Yeah. In some sense. Right. So once I started getting around those spaces where it was a lot of openness, a lot of vulnerability, I saw that there was a lack that there was a need for more space because for the life of me, I couldn't find spaces like this. Right.

(54:38):
Right. Leads us to this here. But it took me taking that first step and asking myself those questions that I had been running from for such a long time because once you ask yourself those questions, you now realize a lot of your life is the way it is because of you.
And if you want to change that shit, you got to change you first. Yeah, because it starts in here first and your reality is, I would say, a depiction of how you are internally, how you're taking care of yourself internally.

(55:15):
So yeah, it started with that, I would say self first, then I tried to speak to a general audience about it in a sense. And then I went and found like communities and different groups of people.
And that's how I ended up meeting with you all. Right. So that's how I would say my journey went. It took a while for me to even want to express or share with other people because I'm someone that doesn't like feeling like I'm putting burdens on people. Right.

(55:45):
So I much rather carry that myself and carry your burdens. Unless they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing.
Yeah, then I'll be like, all right. But you know what I'm saying? But like if I love you, I'm gonna step in because I'm like, look, I'm not finna let you crash out like that. Right.
Like I got to, I can't, I'm not gonna sleep well knowing that I could have said something. But yeah, that's how it started for me, man. It was a progression, I would say, to even get to this place.

(56:13):
Like even you saw my content, I was speaking to a camera. Like I was never really speaking to somebody. And then I started. And that's what started like the ideas for this and everything. So yeah, that's you bring up a good point, Mars.
Of course, we want we want to hear from you. But you bring up a good point in the sense of like a lot of people don't share because they feel like it'll be a burden to a lot of people. Yeah.

(56:35):
You know, and so finding the right people and just like it's a difference between sharing and disclosing. Yeah, it's two different things. It's two different things. You could you could share a whole lot with your friends. That's easy.
But you do need a place to disclose information information. It's a different type. You get what I'm saying. Right.
You gotta watch who I'm talking to. And so, again, just another charge to all the fellas out there, everybody to like find somebody to talk to. Like, and I know it feels hard, but we do. I'm a countryman.

(57:10):
Yeah, I think people find someone. What happens is they either lose that person or that person gets taken away in different ways because a lot of times we enter relationships with someone with a significant other who might not like that person or be prepared themselves for the person that you do go to to disclose your information to.

(57:33):
So now you no longer have that relationship because of your partner. That relationship. Right. So the person who you used to go to, you can't go to anymore. So now you're trying to do it with your partner.
And a lot of times, and as men, when we get in relationships with anyone, we expect that person to then kind of be our person because we had to give up everything else.
And so when we go to bear that disclosure to them, it comes back on us. And that's we're still with that person over a long journey. And a lot of times when you do that with your spouse, you're expecting it to be, you know, you my person was going to tell you.

(58:08):
But then it comes back at you. Yeah, they end up. And at some point they say it, they say something that you told them to like, they want to keep sacred.
And you give them this look like, what's up? So this is what you just did that. Like, you know what that means to me. And for you to say that, it changes the whole entire relationship.

(58:31):
And so you try to forget that moment, but you never do. And you no longer communicate the same with them. And that's the same reason why a lot of times men, especially black men, we don't trust.
We, yeah. And we're more step back when we try to survive.
Survival when it comes to disclosure, because we know we already can show your cards.

(58:53):
We already think the fans is watching this 24 7 and showing all the one leaving one not shown is very vulnerable to us.
Exactly crazy to show that many. Yeah, period.
So we keep it everything tucked in for that reason, because we're like, yo, you supposed to be my person and I can't tell you. I can't tell my mom.
Can't tell my pops are real. Probably can't tell my brother. So who the hell am I? Am I really going to tell?

(59:20):
And whoever your best friend is usually gets taken away and you can't get their relationship back because of the person that you end up with.
Because that's some way, shape or form that person is going to say, well, you're too close. Yeah. And it's never the case.
It's just that's the person whom I disclose information to. And if you want me to be the person that you love, give me that.

(59:42):
Give me some space. I will say, though, we do have options there because we did name like ways to express yourself.
If it's sports, if it's art, if it's music, whatever it is, and that way you can express a little bit of how you're feeling.
That can help. Oh, you find communities of people like minded or people willing to open and have that disclosure with you.

(01:00:04):
Right. Or they're just going to spaces for me. It was it was going seeking opportunities and spaces.
I knew people would be speaking the same language as me. Right. Like I would go up there. I wouldn't look crazy for speaking about what I'm speaking about.
And that is how I figured right that I'd find the right people to communicate with. And it worked right for me.

(01:00:28):
But there's a lot of different things that we can do to start expressing ourselves, even if it's just talking with ourselves first.
To get comfortable with the with those uncomfortable questions and that accountability and then putting ourselves in those places around the people that foster the type of growth you're looking for.

(01:00:52):
Right. That that allow you to be vulnerable like you need to be. And you know, you can reciprocate that with them as well.
So we do have options. But I do understand your point, though, because what you talked about can literally happen in your like one of your first relationships.
Right. And for men, I don't know about you. We get heartbroken first grade. We go on this path for like the next 20 years of healing and understanding.

(01:01:19):
Right. But not to say it's like we when we go through things, it's it's we're put in positions to not trust. We're put in positions to put these walls up and be very guarded.
Right. Very early on. And a lot of our influence, not even influence, but a lot of what we see doesn't tell us anything different.

(01:01:43):
Right. There is rap songs about your best friend doing you dirty. It's movies about you know what I'm saying. So it's all these things that keep you so high on alert, so vigilant, so so anxious that we don't even think to be vulnerable with somebody, no matter how close we are.
It don't matter. You ain't got no haters, you ain't popping.

(01:02:05):
You feel me? Like that's crazy. But but to your point though, you know, like you said to find rooms is funny because when you're an athlete, like I made it all these professional ranks in sports, you face that every day.
Like and in sports, it's like imagine you're the guy on the bench that's not starting. But you breaking everybody down every day in practice and you don't get your opportunity. But the coach still is giving you minutes. You do some with your minutes, but you're like, I need to be starting.

(01:02:35):
Like I'm doing more. Give me that opportunity. You know what I'm saying? And then when you get your chance, you do your thing and it's like, alright, somebody else values me more than what you do. So then you get you get caught in a position.
Do I stay or do I go? You know what I'm saying? But you ended up talking to your teammates like, yo, what can I do to be better? You start talking to the vets. What can I do to be better?

(01:02:57):
And they telling you like, oh, you could do this, you could do this, you could work harder. You like, alright, I'm gonna go try that. You know what I'm saying? But it's a mental game.
Let me can I ask you a question about that? I'm listening. I'm glad you brought that up. But before you do that, I want to hear from you because you never told us what what it looked like for you to begin to trust people and to begin to open up and what your journey look like.

(01:03:23):
I'll tell you this. I had to find the space that I had to create the spaces you have to create the space. Once you sit and finally listen to yourself and talk to yourself and answer your questions and try to problem solve. One of the biggest things you're going to have to realize is that you put yourself in positions to succeed.
You put yourself in positions to grow. We're not plants. We don't have to wait on somebody else to fertilize us. You know, I mean, we don't have to hope we were our seed fell in a nice spot to get all the nourishment we need. Right.

(01:03:58):
We just we can actually move to the spot that has sunlight. We can actually so so when I really realize that in talking to myself and did a lot of releasing that we talked about earlier. That's kind of how when I started trusting people and when I started creating my own spaces and saying like when I'm going to get to when I'm asking you my sports locker rooms is not the place.

(01:04:21):
I can't talk to these people. These veterans really ain't gonna give me a leg up. Now I'm gonna have a job. Right. These these other people that want to see me winning just enough to say I'm in their circle and the globe that I'm in their circle but not want to see you know a little higher than them.
You feel me. So realizing that amongst other men. Yeah. Oh no that's exactly what I'm getting at. You know when those in those circles we're talking about women money and just making fun of you to get a leg up in the bullshit.

(01:04:54):
You know the bullshit nothing of growth nothing of fertilizer right as your plant. And so when I'm noticing that this ain't serving me I can move. I just started moving it don't matter what it is kind of how it looked like for me. OK. Thanks for doubling back.
You know I'm glad you all want to hear it. Yeah. But for me as a one thing I was getting into my journey of podcasting this fit talk some of y'all go check that out on my Instagram. But I was trying to get into sports mental health.

(01:05:26):
Right. Yes. So I really want to ask you as an international footballer that is actual football not Americano football for everybody listening in the one you play with your feet soccer for you ignorance.
But oh my gosh. Hey put it out educating educating. But yes. So how is because like I said football is way more international and you played on international levels.

(01:05:53):
How is it addressed if at all. And how is it amongst you know the stars the athletes in the locker room. Can you see them working on theirs.
In all honesty no some mentality like the crazy thing about it is once you become a professional athlete in the reality is you have your mind is by far stronger than a normal person.

(01:06:19):
And the reason why I say that is because the pain that you feel that you go through day to day hour to hour second second is truly mental.
And your brain becomes numb to a lot of things your emotions your your depth changes so much because you literally you become a machine because you're training yourself to go past a normal threshold.

(01:06:43):
I felt like that in the military.
It is for sure because it's it's a your whole time growing up is a discipline. So you become so disciplined that you will not touch.
If I'm your coach and I tell you don't walk past that camera you're not going to walk past that camera.
But if anybody else who you're going to knock the camera down it's that kind of like different level of discipline of like waking up at 4 a.m.

(01:07:10):
to go work out and then doing practice and then at the practice doing another like doing another workout doing another like literally working upon working upon working saying that you're going to go take 500 shots every single day just to make one in a game.
So your mental capacity is so high.

(01:07:33):
And your threshold of like pain and like torture.
It's different. That's crazy. So you're like always technically at war in a different yes you're in a different concept because you're different.
But so you're telling me that most of the time if there's nothing implemented like specifically for the players in the mental wellness realm there's nobody going to go see you all not you'll have to seek you do it on our own.

(01:07:54):
And a lot of times you're doing it. Yeah. A lot of times that's why you see some.
That's why I like the cannabis in sports now is so much higher. That's why all these actors are asking for it because when they were growing up that was their way of release.
And that's why like they're saying we need weed something we need.
But it's what that's reason why those because it's it calms them down so much to have conversation.

(01:08:17):
It's a quicker fix with less time.
Right. You got to think about it if you look at most receivers hands alignment hands their fingers are easy leaning to the right. Yeah. I've seen fingers boy 90 degree angles.
So you said this way. Right. And now think about that. That person has been dealing that for years. You know what I'm saying.
Having to get your fingers snapped and broken back again. If I break your finger right now you're going to cry and complain for three days straight like maybe a week longer on my finger.

(01:08:45):
That person already got a finger broken the game and going right back in. They got them shots though.
They got that boy that boy Kobe they don't dislocated his joints got to go through a certain the body.
Right. It's all mental. It's all mental. If you look at guys who played got knee pads on imagine I'm having to walk around with six bags of ice on my knee just to get up and get to the shower.

(01:09:08):
That's true. You know what I'm saying. So the mental what athletes go through. It's not normal. You train hard every day for one little moment and it's not trying to say a little moment but for one moment.
No but it's true because you're practicing literally all week. If you have one game you're playing 90 minutes in that game if you score one goal it might have taken you about two seconds to kick that goal in.

(01:09:29):
You played the whole game. Right. So imagine imagine they got subbed in and subbed off.
Boy hours upon hours of work for two seconds. So this is one thing I love asking and like pro athletes it's like do you believe that they need to do more mental health for that players.

(01:09:52):
I think it would have to start at a younger age.
You can't start it at the professional ranks and expect to be in your position because if you started at a younger age it now allows kids as they go through the maturity of it to understand exactly what's really going on.
So like I have one for you then answer us in this. How do you do it as a coach for the younger. How do you implement. Oh I talked to him like says that I have everyday life conversations with them.

(01:10:20):
What's going on. Talk to me. What can we do to make you better like what's stopping you from getting to where you want to go.
And we'll literally talk about it. It'll be the first part of training is mental.
And then we dive in and I'm just reinforcing everything that you need to hear.
So by the time they want is done for that hour with me that confidence or that lack of that they thought they had is no longer there.

(01:10:42):
And once they show it boom it's already broken so that confidence in their spirit is risen.
After that the second session comes boom that confidence is already there so now we just really tooling.
So then after the second session we go to the third one. I've already given you the confidence that you needed to be successful and you've done it three days in a row now.
So now I go out there. That's confidence is literally what you've done in the past like what you've done before.

(01:11:06):
I spent I'm sure you can attest to this as a coach a tumble coach trying to get people to believe in flipping you know I mean. Oh yeah. Right.
Throwing your body weight back and up and all this right. And so I can spend months physically teaching somebody how to and helping them.
But as soon as you take 10 minutes or 15 minutes to teach them about themselves and confidence.

(01:11:31):
Boy it's none of that other stuff matter none of the physical growth none of it. They zoom past it with that mental that that's why mental wellness and that's why I ask it about the sports because if they were able to do it like how you're doing it at a younger age.
If they started at a younger age it would be a lot easier. And the reason why I said it is because it would be best now to be implemented because you're looking at kids getting recorded and having a highlight tapes for the world to see at like eight years old.

(01:12:00):
Your son in the NL deal pretty much in middle school.
You know what I'm saying. So like imagine you're telling a high school freshman this kid is this is a six eight three hundred fifteen pounds he is now going to be the number one lineman in the US.
This kid's a sophomore. What do you think he's going to do for the next class at 10 a.m. from math class he probably don't even know how to read or write.

(01:12:23):
So now the school is obligated to make sure that this kid makes it to a point and you might have a teacher that be like no he can't read.
Then you start to hear these different reports that every team that faces this kid or every person that sees this kid from another school is attacking him now.
So people don't understand like what comes with it. If you're a young point guard and you're nice at like 10 years old and you go to all these AAU tournaments.

(01:12:47):
This might come to knock you off. How do you handle that. If you was the best 11 year old soccer player and you're no longer good at 12 years old.
Those are the conversations that people don't have and wonder why kids stop playing sports.
It's not that they want to stop playing the sport. It's the pressure that comes with it because there's no room for them.

(01:13:08):
You can take them to a regular therapist a regular therapist can't answer a question about kicking a ball that they do every single day.
That therapist doesn't kick that ball the individual sports therapy is way. It's different.
You any of us in here that do anything on a consistent basis if you take somebody out of that world that don't know what you talk about it's hard to relate.
So you're still on guard in that room like you're a regular therapist. You're not going to feel my pain.

(01:13:33):
My dad makes me take a hundred shots in the morning and another 200 at the class. Are you prepared to tell my father I can't take these 200 shots.
No you not. He's going to look at you and say he's still going to do it. You're going to make me do 400 now. Right.
And I'm going to get a whooping. You know what I'm saying. But it's the reality that as a child you're already building up this capacity of like threshold of pain.

(01:13:57):
What more can I do. You got a ball that's bigger than you but you still trying to throw this three pointer.
Why are you shooting a three pointer from half court. You can't dribble the ball but you want to throw the ball from half court.
The Steph Curry effect is real.
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I wanted to ask man that was a good segue.
Um your father how many kids how many of us yeah yeah yeah it's four of us okay I'm I me be my father or my actual no no you said your father too father too okay.

(01:15:38):
All boys my son justice and my daughter every okay they 10 and 6 10 and 6 okay.
All right so yeah you've been in the game for a little bit man absolutely I say this because I have a three year old myself.
Um emotional intelligence you know mental wellness some practices are very important for me to expose him to early.

(01:16:01):
He's three I don't expect him to get up in the morning and meditate every morning with me.
But there are days where he comes in and asks to meditate and take 10 20 deep breaths with me right right.
So for me it's very important to implement that early like you said it has to start early so they can build that threshold as they get older.

(01:16:22):
For you as a father what were some of the practices or what were some of the things that you did with your kids to kind of help build up their emotional intelligence or help them overcome you know maybe some anxieties that they may be going through or anything of that nature.
Patience I teach him to be patient and I talk to them very you know open like anything is going on I tell him like this is exactly what it is what's about to happen.

(01:16:53):
This is what it is going for like I'm very open with them but also I they see me and I'm a very big catalyst for them.
So once I tell them like be confident they're going to be confident like the words can't don't live around me.
So coming out the womb they already know they can't even say that where they can't even think of it.

(01:17:15):
Yeah we reexpelling that word in my head right now.
Yeah like can't doesn't exist you just didn't try it yet because the minute you put can't into them they stop everything.
The food they can eat the same meal every day you just change you had a meal look for one minute and it's I can't eat I can't eat that.
You like you just had this yesterday it just looks on a different plate I can't eat it.

(01:17:36):
We literally just went through this yesterday.
And I'm telling you the word can't it just doesn't exist.
So for me that like one of the biggest things is being patient like you know talk to talk to your kids through the situation.
We were raised based upon do as I say and don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with it to an extent but also have the conversation.

(01:17:57):
I'm not saying you got to talk them through everything sometimes you can be short and indirect like listen this is just what it is.
All right homie we good.
Some things are for them at that age.
Exactly like and it's for us to discern right.
Exactly it's for us to decide exactly.
But if you have if they have a question here what their question is even if it's it could be something silly I just hear them out for a quick second.

(01:18:18):
That's all I want to do just be heard.
You know what I'm saying but I stay patient with them.
I stay you know open and I allow them to be them.
I don't restrict them to like I get them their own fashion sense so they get to dress themselves early like pick your outfit out.
Let me see what your style like my man we're not wearing them shoes like that.

(01:18:39):
They can't go on today.
Maybe girl that dress is not not the right size.
We won't figure it out though like go ahead and grab another outfit and they'll come back.
All right.
Make sure you clean those off real quick.
That'll work.
But it's just being open with them.
Don't be little them because their mind is moving at a different rate than ours.

(01:19:01):
Way faster way faster.
They are in a generation and learning that we can't comprehend and what the world is to them.
It is not the same to us.
We can't go back and forth about an app because they have the app app on them at three months old.
They can break your passcode in 10 seconds.
I promise you they can see it two times.
Bro I promise you they can crack it.

(01:19:27):
Done the same way you see me in the computer like this and all of a sudden push the enter button and anything work.
That's your kids.
But you just got to be patient with them man.
Once you're patient with them as they get older they assess things differently.
And the more you remind them to think.
I also listen my kids think about it before you say it.
Think about it before you do it.

(01:19:50):
Like be aware of what you're saying and what's going on.
Like yeah your sisters are knowing you.
But guess what you want somebody else to talk to your sister like that.
No then you don't talk to her like that.
Don't bug your brother if you know you don't want the reaction like you poking a bear.
Love them cool.
Using their brains right.
Give them space.
It's OK for him to want some space.

(01:20:12):
It's OK when you want some space because when he starts to know you.
You want to get your iPad and do your thing.
Can't be mad at that.
He can't be mad at you.
But you got to use this because one thing that we're not taught is how to use our brain.
We just talk to react and kids today are only reacting.
They're not thinking.
It's literally all reaction and because there's no one really sensitive like think about it before you do it.

(01:20:39):
Imagine every you know mad shoot that you see this kid is doing it.
You think that anybody ever say to him like let's sit down and talk for a second.
He's giving you signs or she's giving you signs.
But they're not they will never talk patients.
They're never thought to like think it all the way through.

(01:21:00):
Yeah everything is visual for these kids today.
Over the last 20 years everything is visual.
It's what social media says over everything social media or dies.
But it's like the trademark unfortunately.
But if you don't navigate around that and have them use this muscle we're going to fall victim to it.
We saw it in an election.

(01:21:23):
The greatest example we saw in an election is no way you go from Barack Obama to Donald Trump and say oh yeah that made sense.
No your influence you allowed social media to dictate.
You became comfortable so you succumb to the foolishness.
Everyone that talks is anti is the one who they succumb to the foolishness because there's no guidance.

(01:21:47):
The minute we start to guide and lead the future becomes a lot brighter and prosperous.
But if we don't see anything we can be a victim of our own foolishness.
It's like watching your little brother be bad on purpose knowing that you can step to him and say oh my man what you doing.
But you continue to let him be bad and then when he in jail at 20 you're like oh when I told you when he was 12 years old he was bad.

(01:22:10):
No you should have did something at 12.
He was already asking you questions you kept ignoring him.
And now that he's 20 making the same mistakes you can no longer be mad because you watched it happen.
He comfortable in his decisions now.
Right.
He done made up his mind about him.
Cool with it.
It's all products of our environment.
Trust me the best actor you've seen probably came from the hood and you was like yo he's crazy athletic.

(01:22:34):
He could do everything but everybody around him is telling him that but not telling him how to be better at it.
Yeah.
So one last question for all of you.
What general information would you give to the person that's listening that is beginning their wellness journey.

(01:22:55):
And I also want you to put in a tangible step in there as well something that they can begin tomorrow.
What would what does that look like.
What what advice would you give.
You go first.
OK.
What you got to say.
Yeah absolutely.
The biggest thing for me was one having that conversation.

(01:23:20):
Being honest with myself and saying my life matters you know that's important to getting getting tapping into those resources.
Get some help.
I know for me as a black man when I think about getting some help even now it's like you need to get some help.

(01:23:41):
It's like this.
It's like this negative energy connected like you know it's this.
It's not like no Brenton you deserve some assistance.
You are running a very large company over there.
You as the individual are very very large company companies don't have just one worker in it.

(01:24:02):
You get what I'm saying.
So tap into some resources like get you a doctor like get get you a doctor get a checkup.
Get you a dentist.
Get you a therapist.
Oh yeah get you some assistance.
That's all I'm saying.
Like get some resources.
And the last thing is get community get people get around people that love you.

(01:24:28):
Yeah and and get around people that are willing to love you beyond the mask.
Those have been the three things that have helped me just a whole lot of self talk.
So a whole lot of truth to me resources.

(01:24:49):
I go to therapy biweekly.
By Bernard Malcolm Bernard.
I talked to that man you got to be eager you know to talk to him.
And then again the last community like the ICU bro.
I'm going to always shout out to the to the ICU bro space and just the space that I'm living in my life in general

(01:25:13):
community and being around good people that are going to be honest with me right.
And being in spaces where people are not afraid to tell me the truth even when it hurts.
Remember sometimes you just got to create those spaces.
Yeah yeah you can't just wait for them to be around.
Exactly exactly.
So that's what I would give.
What about you.
I said this.

(01:25:35):
I wrote mine down.
So like you said that number one thing is to look inside and talk to yourself.
Ask yourself a question.
That's the biggest thing.
The tough questions the tough questions.
The ones that you don't don't run away from sitting right there like not every time we're running away from those questions.
We already know the question.
You can't run away from it.
But you got to ask yourself you got to say yeah it's not the like like those cookie cutter questions that you know.

(01:26:03):
How am I today. No it's why did I feel this way and what could have possibly triggered me to feel that like those tasks that are sitting in the back that you know exactly which ones that you should be asking yourself.
Those are the ones ask yourself for real.
Look inside and ask those questions.
And then realize it's not about attacking yourself or or attacking other people or justifying what you're doing.

(01:26:29):
It's about growth.
That's the biggest thing. Realize it's about growth.
Yeah that should be your whole goal with finding mental wellness right.
Adjust.
Maybe it's it's a the person maybe instead of it being a person like how you're talking about like sometimes we rely on people and attach our wellness to people and things like that.

(01:26:52):
And if it is that thing and that has that journey has moved on sometimes find it like what you said find it in creativity and different things like that different outlets physical outlets.
And then the last one I would say is to bring someone along with you in your journey right.
You may not be everywhere you go in your wellness journey but like to a wellness event what or start a wellness space like I said while you're creating space maybe create a space for somebody else right.

(01:27:22):
Because one thing I do know from my wellness journey is that when you are helping others and giving back to others and I think you can do no matter what age group especially the youth that right there gives you a lot more energy and it helps with your mental wellness journey.
Sure. Am I next you can be here. Let's go for it.
Oh yeah you want me to go ahead man.

(01:27:43):
I go.
One thing I said it would be tangible they can take with them today and start tomorrow is journal.
You know,
sometimes you don't know how to see it.
But write it down.
After you written it down, go back and look at it again.

(01:28:04):
Sometimes you write down a little task or you write down, you know, a goal that you want to achieve as you accomplish it cross it out.
And I'm saying, or write down whatever is inside you that you're feeling.
I think that is something that you can definitely take with you tomorrow.
A great thing that you can take with you over time and work on day by day is giving yourself grace.

(01:28:29):
You know, we work around with a hell of five burden on our shoulders every day from
trauma we went through as a kid to as a teenager and even as an adult.
You know what I'm saying. Like, give yourself grace, like, take your time.
Be thankful that you're here on Earth. You can look at the next thing that you're trying to do. Watch your next step.

(01:28:50):
Yeah, you know, see it. See everything through.
Like we love to go, oh yeah, I might go do this. And then all of a sudden you even get up to go do it.
Yeah. You don't sat there for, you know what I'm saying, after 15 minutes you're supposed to leave.
You ain't left yet. I'm going to wear these shoes and this. You know how much you're going to wear, but you ain't going to go do it.
So seeing things through, you know, and growing.

(01:29:17):
Growing your friendships. Yeah, I think that's a very big factor in growth.
You know, when you're growing as a man, your circle isn't the same. It is not.
You end up pivoting, you know, and if you're really trying to grow as we've all like growth has been, you know,
a core word that we've all said when you're growing the people that are around you, you start to realize, OK,

(01:29:45):
who's in this group can I take with me and who I got to leave behind?
Because that next journey that you go on, not everybody's going to make it. And it's OK.
You can't take everyone with you. And the sooner that you get to learn that, the greater your calling becomes.
Because the people around you are going to take you to a higher place.

(01:30:07):
And as you know, I'm saying you walk into these different rooms, you might have met this person before, but that wasn't the right time.
And the door that they open for you now is even greater. You know what I'm saying?
And it'll take you to a different experience. And then you'll start to realize the people around you that are great, they keep going.
They're not looking back. And they're going to look at you at one or two times and say, yo, are you ready to go on this journey?

(01:30:33):
And if you gesture, they're gone. And it's nothing. They never keep it personal.
They're like, you good? Yeah, you good? I got to go. I'm in this next door. Where you at?
Oh, you're not in this? I don't see you later. Yeah.
Because I got to go to this next room. So those are the three things for me that like give yourself grace, journal your emotions, your feelings, your thoughts, but also your surroundings.

(01:31:03):
We're prime products of our environment. And if your environment around you isn't growing, you're not going to reap the full rewards of your full potential.
And my biggest fear have always been as being a waste of talent. So that drives me so much.
And that's what makes me drive, like really push kids is to like, and even adults. A number doesn't mean anything.

(01:31:27):
But wasted talent. When you leave this earth, nothing you done goes with you. It's what you leave behind.
And I refuse. I refuse to be wasted talent. And I refuse to the people around me to waste their talent.
So I'll leave it with that. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that, bro. No, no problem.

(01:31:50):
Go ahead. You're a blessing. I mean, y'all niggas took all the answers. I'm not gonna lie.
But I will say what worked personally for me is really identifying and it goes to speaking to yourself.

(01:32:13):
But really identifying where I was at that point in time. Like, where am I today?
You know, what do I like about myself? What do I dislike? What do I feel I need to improve? What can not come with me to tomorrow?
Like, what do I need to just shut off? Right. Being very, very honest about that.

(01:32:39):
And then being very honest about who you want to be or where you want to be in your life.
And seeing and be as clear as possible. When I say be as clear as you possibly every last detail that you can fill out.
The house, the shoes you wear, how you put your money on the table, like everything.

(01:33:03):
Be as clear as possible about who you want to be and cut everything off that doesn't align with that person and nurture everything that does.
Details.
And then I would say in order to even get to that place or start that journey, one thing I really had to do was pinpoint my traumas.

(01:33:26):
Right. I still do that till this day. I have conversations with y'all. I'll have a silent car ride home and I'll be like, man, why did that shit piss me off the way it did?
Like, where did that stem from? Like, and that that continues to help me grow is pinpointing the trauma because shit, we think trauma is solely what we went through in childhood.

(01:33:48):
No, that shit could have been some we went through 1725.
You know what I'm saying? And we continuously have to pinpoint where these things came from, identify them and heal from them.
Right. Because if we don't, at a certain point, they will become a detriment. Yeah, I'm living proof, man.
I've been to where I've accomplished some shit. And the next thing I know, I lost it. Why?

(01:34:13):
Because the same thing that got me there wasn't the same thing that was going to keep me there. I had to grow.
I just felt like I'm here. Right. You already made it. I already made it. Right.
No, that ain't it. That's not it. It's a marathon. You continuously have to be conscious of where you need to grow.
You got to keep looking in your book bag to see what can get you to that next obstacle.

(01:34:37):
So I'll leave it with that is just really identifying where you are, being very clear on who you want to be,
identifying what you need to do in order to fill that gap or close that gap, I would say,
and really pinpoint your traumas and identify why you are the way you are today. What triggers you?
There are things that trigger you. Everybody has triggers. You know what I'm saying?

(01:35:01):
So identifying those things will only continue to help you grow and allow you to pay it forward to the next, you know, the youth that comes after you.
So, yeah, that's key. Shout out to everybody listening to the ICU broadcast, a space dedicated to brotherhood,
a space dedicated to transparency and honesty and a space dedicated to understanding and us just being us in the conversations surrounding us.

(01:35:32):
And so shout out to the ICU broadcast. I'm Brenton.
And it's your boy Mars, number one misfit. And I really wanted to say thanks, dude, for coming out. Got to shout him out.
He is the head woman soccer coach over at Hampton University.
You had to shout him out real quick. You know what I'm saying?
But if you like what you're listening to, man, make sure you like, share, subscribe, send somebody our way.

(01:35:56):
And if you want to see us, you want to see Duke, go on the Patreon.
Yeah, yeah, I'm with it. I'm Matthew Dupal. I appreciate you all for having me on ICU, bro.
And this is a beautiful thing, like I got some dope going on here. I really respect it. Appreciate you.
Yeah, you slid right in there real good. Right. You did that.
But not as your boy, Yuri, man, really appreciate you tuning in and listening.

(01:36:20):
Please feel free to leave a comment down below. I don't even know. Is it to the side with Patreon?
We don't know. But whatever platform, leave a comment about your experience, what you've related to here, what you took away from this episode.
Because there was a lot of gems being given. Definitely want to appreciate.
We appreciate Matthew coming through, sharing a little bit about your story.

(01:36:42):
But yeah, we out, man. This was a great one. One of them won for the bucks.

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