Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
Well hello there my friend.
Um it's nice to hear from you onthis nice spooky day.
Uh how is how's that that thatBillings Montana spooky funk
treating you out there in the inthe Montana?
SPEAKER_01 (00:14):
Oh you know, it's uh it's a spooky year round around
these parts, especially in finedowntown Billings, but uh Right.
SPEAKER_00 (00:23):
No, it's definitely uh definitely a spooky pa place
to be.
Um you might yeah, for sure.
Oh my god, that's perfect.
If you're a dentist indeed.
Yeah, or uh yeah.
People following you around,change.
Change.
Sorry.
(00:43):
Sorry, everybody out there.
Uh nonetheless, today we have auh a story for you of sorts, I
guess.
Usually I would pre-record thesethings and then you know we
listen and comment on it, andthat's how we do the episode.
But today I'm just gonna kind ofgive it a breakdown because uh
it's about uh Robert the Devil.
SPEAKER_01 (01:01):
He's uh uh look, mama, it's the devil.
SPEAKER_00 (01:04):
Yeah.
It's it's a famous uh it's likea folklore from France.
Medieval.
Medieval France, however youwant to say that.
Um they can't really pin down auh an exact like you know, who
it's after or whatever, thesetypes of things, but they do
have a couple ideas, and uh thisso there's a lot of versions of
it, is what I'm getting at.
(01:25):
So I'm gonna to read here is atranslation of uh a French
novel.
Uh or actually this is anItalian one, I I apologize.
Arturo Graf gives this versionof the legend in his 1889 book
to Diavolo.
I think I I hope I said thatright.
But anyway, here's the Englishtranslation of Robert the Devil,
(01:45):
his basic story here, guys.
There once was a Duchess ofNormandy who was tormented with
desire to have children, and yetcould have none.
Wary of recommending herself toGod, who will not listen to her,
she betakes herself to thedevil, and her wish is speedily
satisfied.
A son is born to her, averitable firebrand.
As an infant, he bites his nurseand tears out her hair.
(02:08):
As a lad, he nices his teachers.
At the age of twenty, he becomesa bandit chief.
He is dubbed knight, in thebelief that thus the wicked
instincts raging within him maybe overcome.
But thereafter, he is worse thanhe was before.
No one surpasses him in strengthor in courage.
In attorney, he overthrows andslays thirty opponents.
(02:29):
Then he goes roaming about theworld.
Then he returns to his nativelands and begins once more to
play the bandit, robbing,burning, murdering, ravishing,
and one day, after cutting thethroats of all the nuns of a
certain abbey, he remembers hismother and goes in search of
her.
As soon as they spy him, theservants take their heels.
Scattering in all directions,not one tarries to ask him
(02:49):
whence he comes or what hedesires.
Then for the first time in hislife, Robert is astounded at the
horror which aspires in hisfellow beings.
For the first time he becomesconscious of his own monstrous
wickedness, and he feels how hisheart is pierced by the sharp
tooth of remorse.
But why is he wickeder thanother men?
Why was he born thus?
Who made him what he is?
(03:09):
An ardent longing seizes him tounravel this mystery.
He hastens to his mother, andwith the drawn sword, he adjures
her to unveil to him the secretof his birth.
Learning this, he becomesfrantic.
Uh yeah.
You know, this goes on for awhile.
I'm gonna cut this right here.
I'm making an executivedecision.
Okay, Ellen.
Because within this story, hismother was barren, okay?
(03:34):
Not like her title.
She was barren, meaning that shecouldn't have children.
So, like, they and that would bea baroness, I suppose, right?
But like uh, so she was prayingto God, and he wouldn't answer
her, so prayed to the devil, andthe devil basically fathered
this child.
That's what he finds outeventually here.
And uh, within the story aswell, and some other versions I
(03:56):
read, when he goes to that abbeyto kill all the nuns, 50 is the
number every time.
That's something that staysconsistent.
But he goes to the abbey and hehe rapes and kills the nuns.
You know, they must have wateredthis one down a bit for general
consumption, but it was more ofa fuller version than I had
found otherwise translated.
So, like, nonetheless, he herapes and kills these nuns.
(04:18):
Okay, and then right after that,he goes to his mother's place
where she lives and whatnot, andhe's still bloody from all this,
and that's why all theseservants and whatever turn their
turn to their heels or whateverit says in the in the thing I
just read and tear out becausethey're terrified of him, you
know, and that's when herealizes who he is, you know.
I don't know.
What do you think, Owen?
(04:39):
What do you think of thisfolklore?
SPEAKER_01 (04:41):
It's crazy.
I did see that, yeah, it beganin France and then gained a lot
of traction in Spain and, as yousaid, Italy.
And I mean, there's not that Ican think of a more vile
character, really, or you know,it's a very simple, very
interesting concept, andespecially then, you know, of
(05:04):
Catholicism.
Umest known account of in Latinas a prose narrative by a
Dominican French at the end ofand not Dominican Republic
people.
That's like an order of French.
Yeah.
Right.
I'm like, what?
I'm like, oh wait, no, I knowthat.
I know that's a term.
Right.
Um, but yeah, just what a Imean, I can't recall any other
(05:28):
story like raping and killingnuns people.
Like this, yeah, this is uh 50nuns, guys.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
50 every time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Later on, Robert, um, once heunderstands like what he is as
well, though, they try to makehim a hero, sort of, in some
way.
And I mean, we gotta rememberthat this is medieval France.
This is the same area thatbirthed William the Conqueror or
the Bastard, you know, whicheverway you want to say that.
(05:57):
And he's nor knights in Normandywere very vile people, man.
They they like the the chivalrythat we know is just so untrue.
They were uh rapists, basically,that couldn't read and rode
ponies.
That's that's what I get out ofmost.
They did, because their horses,you know, horses weren't as the
(06:20):
the horses they rode as knightswere not very uh not very tall.
They were more like uh a glitterhoof, as the BHP would call
them.
Um nonetheless, he uh he goes touh uh to Rome, but he he finds a
uh in the in the stories that Iread, he finds a hermit, okay?
And back then hermits had likequalities that were like
(06:43):
religious, spiritual, forwhatever, if you were a hermit,
you were like some sort of anoracle in ways, you know.
So he goes to this hermit.
I'm telling you guys this offthe top of the head, because I
read a bunch of differentversions of it to try to like
kind of piece it together.
But I do and anyway, so thishermit tells him how bad how
terrible he is and what he needsto do to make penance.
And basically what he says is heneeds to dress down in the
(07:04):
bearest of clothes, and uh theonly food he can eat for his
penance is the the food that thedogs reject, you know, in the
streets, things of that nature,you know.
And he ends up going to uh Romeand he gets an audience with the
Pope, right?
Is it the Pope?
Yeah, yeah.
So he gets a Robert uh Robertthere, he gets an audience with
(07:26):
the Pope, and uh the Pope thinksthis guy looks so silly because
he's kind of like a crazyperson.
I I believe in some of thestories he's not allowed to talk
either, you know, that's part ofthe punishment.
And um, and and it's not alwaysthe Pope, too.
There's some monarchs, you know,it's somebody with a crown or
like some sort of thing they canpass down as well.
And uh because within thesestories, as he's the fool in the
(07:46):
court of the king or the pope orwhatever it may be, he uh lives
with the dogs, he's under thetable, and they become uh
there's the they become underthreat from a another nation of
sorts.
And I think in some of thestories it's Turkey, right?
Or what was Turkey?
The Saracens, I believe.
And I think that is right thatthey were that.
(08:08):
But nonetheless, so the Saracensare attacking Rome, and an angel
comes to Robert at night andsays he needs to, you know, don
his armor and go help fight andsave Rome.
And so he does on multipleoccasions and just slays people,
man.
People are like, this guy, thisknight out here in his armor,
you know, he's he's crazy.
He's slaying more than 50 nunsevery time.
(08:28):
You know, he's just he's justkilling all sorts of folks, you
know.
And eventually the daughter ofthe king recognizes Robert, you
know, as who he is.
And uh for whatever reason, theuh king decides to give uh
Robert his daughter's hand inmarriage, which would mean that
Robert would actually inheritRome, the the this kingdom, you
know.
And uh because uh from what Iget, it's like that's why I'm
(08:51):
saying it's kind of mixed up.
Sometimes it's the Pope,sometimes it's like a king, you
know, it's what it is.
And uh he turns that down and heends up just going and living
his life in the woods like ahermit.
Huh.
Yeah, that's the end resultsthat I see.
I don't know if you've seenanything else that came out of
that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:08):
There was I did see something about varying account
where he did marry the princess,but more more so, it's more more
of them are yeah, that he uhYeah, he did basically repent,
and I read one where he has asimilar thing to spray
differently that he vowed hewouldn't eat anything that he
didn't have to wrestle from thejaws of the dog.
SPEAKER_00 (09:29):
Yeah, isn't it insane?
SPEAKER_01 (09:31):
Not even right.
SPEAKER_00 (09:33):
No, it's uh it's definitely a thing, guys.
This is a pretty crazy story.
Uh I know the megavillin there.
SPEAKER_01 (09:40):
Like, yeah, that's no half-ass ain't no such thing
as halfway crooks, I guess.
SPEAKER_00 (09:46):
Apparently not.
No, and this thing here, too,uh, when one of them it says
Robert redeemed his mother'sprayer to Satan to conceive a
child.
So, like, they say by him likeuh helping Rome overcome the
Sarsen invasion or whatever,that basically that's how he
redeemed himself and then at thesame time redeemed his mother.
(10:09):
So there's yeah, there's a lotof different versions of this.
It's definitely uh yeah.
So I don't know, there's thoughtthere's that there's talk too
within these things that uh oneof his biggest uh he was born
with sin because he was bornoutside of wedlock having a
father who was a cuckold.
(10:32):
Oh wow because he was a cuckholdof Satan.
That's a that's a hell of astatement, guys.
I don't know.
Not as good a title as thegovernor of the universe.
No, the cuckhold of Satan.
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
Oh my god.
That's decidedly less optimal.
In my opinion.
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
Yeah.
Uh, you know, and they say thatit's within this, it's supposed
to be like a moral lesson and isfundamentally uh fundamentally
biblical, is typically like theresponse by a lot of people,
which I do understand because,you know, back in the day shit
was quite a bit different.
People were much more uh, youknow, had a lot of religious
(11:13):
fervor without anyunderstanding.
Wait a minute, I might talk itcould be today, it could be you
know that that just applies allacross the board.
You know, that there's no uh nothing to it.
I don't know, man.
Uh there's there's a couplecharacters that they do say that
uh Robert the Devil really mayhave been based on, and one of
them was the father of Williamthe Conqueror.
(11:36):
So that was a guy that they saidcould have been the inspiration
uh for Robert the Devil wasRobert of Normandy.
And yeah, because he was apretty bad guy.
I'm telling you, these Norman uhthese Norman lords were
terrible, or these French onesin general, it was just ugh.
Robert of Belem.
SPEAKER_01 (11:54):
Yeah, they weren't bringing people baguettes and
croissants.
Yeah, no, it wasn't like Jesusand line.
SPEAKER_00 (11:59):
Yeah, no, none of that shit.
Yeah, no, the other the otherone that they say it could have
inspired the story was uh Robertof Belem, who we may get into in
this spooky season.
But this guy was so bad that Ilove how he's referenced uh in a
show I listened to, the BHP,where they say Robert of Belem
(12:21):
was so bad that he did not havea nickname in an era where
everybody had a nickname becausehe was fucking Robert of Belem.
He's like Jeffrey Dahmer.
You know, that's why you don'thear a nickname for Jeffrey
Dahmer, because he's fuckingJeffrey Dahmer, right, guys?
Like so this you know, there's awhole lot that goes about Robert
of Belem and his whole family.
They're big fans of torture, andthey had uh, you know, it it's
(12:43):
it's a real whole whole thingthere, guys.
Uh but yeah, Robert the Devildefinitely is one of those
folklores where it's a sign,it's how the times were because
it's so brutal and so likecrazy, just just religious and
and whatnot, and somehow stillbecause he fought off heathens,
(13:04):
he redeemed himself, even thoughhe did rape and kill 50 nuns all
in one sitting.
You know, so how quickly weforget.
Yeah, how could we forget?
But you know, and so howquickly, you know, they're like,
Oh, it's okay, Robert.
Right, it's okay, you're cool.
He killed the heathen.
No worries, yeah.
You murdered the brown people.
You're fine, you're fine, guys.
(13:25):
Yeah, so that's basically whathappened.
So uh, I don't know.
Most of the time when I readthese kind of stories, I'm like,
this guy is not a hero.
You know?
It's kind of like when you readthe the old Robin Hood, how like
uh he fights that dude namedGuy, remember?
And like Guy of Gizborne.
Oh shit, I remembered.
And no, and he like literallylike cuts off his head and wears
(13:49):
his skin as like a horse outfit.
I don't even know what thefuck's going on, but like there
is some shit.
Oh no, the the guy of Gizbornekilled a horse and put it on
somehow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That sounds well, like a verystable uh individual.
Yeah, it sounds like TexasChainsaw, kinda.
You know, like there's there's alot of shit like that where that
(14:10):
was just normal to them.
They're like, oh yeah, ofcourse.
I mean, he was so big he hecould wear a horse, skin it.
Sure, why not?
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
So uh hear about some equally terrifying uh
Halloween characters?
Yeah, of course.
Uh this is a list of um bizarrecandies found uh specifically
around Halloween.
Not all of them, but how aboutwe'll get right off the bat with
(14:38):
Gummy Maggot?
Uh uh Yeah, it's like goodopaque, yeah, brown it.
Yeah.
Disgusting.
Um then apparently a company,Think Geek, in 2009 found it to
be a good idea to release sourliquid candy pea and sour liquid
(15:00):
candy blood.
That's disgusting.
So you're buying candy bodilyfluids.
Like, really, I'm sorry, I don'tjudge people.
Take a look at your life.
SPEAKER_00 (15:09):
Oh my god.
I wonder what they sell forbachelorette parties.
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, dude.
SPEAKER_01 (15:16):
Whoa! Hey uh, insect lollipops.
Everything from tequila worms tocrickets or scorpions can be
found.
Right, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00 (15:25):
I've seen those.
They used to sell them atSpencer's, I feel.
And I've seen them at a lot oftruck stops.
A lot of truck stops, I've seenthe scorpion one.
Oh, I yeah, I did tour, and allyeah, of course.
Amongst other things, I was onthe road, man.
unknown (15:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (15:44):
Turn the page.
Sorry.
There's a full pound gummy heartone can purchase.
Oh my god.
Is it is it like the size of afist?
Does it look like a heart?
Yeah, it looks gigantic.
SPEAKER_01 (15:58):
The guy's holding one, yeah.
Um interesting.
Saltageti.
unknown (16:03):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (16:04):
Apparently a cellar strand complete with a sauce to
be poured over the confectionnoodles.
Why?
This is a war crime, I feel.
Yeah.
Um, here, to the British, thislooks to be some kind of gummy
thing.
Uh, shrimps and bananas.
And it's apparently they're notshrimp flavored, but rabbit.
SPEAKER_00 (16:24):
I don't even understand right now what's
going on.
Welcome to Ice Tell Stories,people.
Um, we went from Robert theDevil to shrimp candy.
You know, if you want to knowmore about us, you can go to our
website, pitlocksupply.com,where you can pick up t-shirts
and such, and you know, checkout what else we got going on.
Uh, back to shrimp candy.
SPEAKER_01 (16:45):
Dang, that was exciting.
So this next one makes actuallyall of these seem markedly less
disgusting, which is anaccomplishment.
The nose hose is something youstrap to your face and then
uncork the nose, and slimy greencandy liquid is released onto
(17:07):
your tongue.
Well, that's equally disgusting.
SPEAKER_00 (17:09):
I don't even know what's going on.
No, that one, that's that takesthe cake, I think.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (17:15):
I don't know.
There's something about the tea,the pea, the blood.
SPEAKER_00 (17:18):
Okay, all of any of it's just no, the blood, but
yeah.
Blood, whatever, okay, in a way.
And for some reason, blood'swhatever for me.
You know, maybe because it'sHalloween, it makes sense, uh or
whatever, but urine does not.
SPEAKER_01 (17:31):
I I don't viable options.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:34):
Was this a R.
Kelly company, like subsidiary?
Some sort of like, you know, orDonald Trump, is he associated
with this company?
Yeah.
Sorry, guys.
Anyway, out there inPodcastlandia.
I don't know.
We apologize for a lot.
Well, not like truthfully, mostof the time, though.
(17:55):
You know.
SPEAKER_01 (17:55):
We're sorry to bring some of this to your attention,
and also you're welcome.
SPEAKER_00 (17:58):
Yeah, yeah.
For real.
You know, internationally, orwait, what are we globally
renowned?
Yes, yes, we are.
Hey, shout out Ghana.
SPEAKER_01 (18:06):
Fact we are.
SPEAKER_00 (18:07):
Yeah, hey, uh, I appreciate all our Ghana.
Yeah, Ghana, for sure.
All our Ghanaians.
I hope I said that right.
Oh my god, I should have lookedthat up.
But shout out to those guys, forsure.
And uh our German listeners.
The people of Ghana.
Yeah, the people of Ghana.
Shout out to all the people ofGhana.
Yeah.
Alright, there we are.
I like that.
Good job, Owen.
Go to save it.
Um, you know, I think one of themost disturbing candies ever is
(18:32):
candy corn for real.
Like, I don't even get it.
I don't I don't know what theappeal is.
I I I it's kind of like blacklicorice for me.
I just do not understand it.
It's like, what were you guyseating otherwise?
Was it really all that terriblethat you picked that?
SPEAKER_01 (18:47):
Yeah, it's just basically like wax with sugar,
essentially, is like a waxysubstance.
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much.
I think that circus peanuts mayhave any of that.
Well, of anything that I'veactually like subjected myself
to, that's perhaps the most vilecandy that I have consumed.
SPEAKER_00 (19:04):
Yeah, circus peanuts are nuts.
Yeah, I know.
I'm trying.
Um, yeah, dude.
No, this was pretty cool.
Alright.
Thanks for doing that, by theway.
You know, this there's more tothis Robert the Devil thing, by
the way, guys, and we decided toput a little like killer candy
at the end of it because some ofthis stuff is it's really hard
(19:29):
to pin down because it's nottranslated.
Like what there was justrecently in the last five years,
uh the first English translationof the story, because most of
the story comes from a romancenovel uh from medieval times,
and that's just kind of bannedby the Bishop of Antwerp, I I
(19:50):
believe, in 1621.
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
Oh, thank you.
It was added added to the indexof banned books.
SPEAKER_00 (19:56):
Yeah.
No, that's uh yeah, there it is,1621.
I do see that.
Damn.
Good one, man.
Way to be on it.
See, that's like the best factof the whole thing, you know.
We actually got on that.
So I don't know.
Creepy guy, though.
I don't I don't um I don'tcondone anybody behaving like
Robert the Devil.
Just saying.
No.
(20:17):
Yeah, certainly not.
Leave it alone, you know.
Uh, anybody who's a son ofSatan.
So does that mean the antichristwas already born?
Does the devil have kidsregularly?
Is this like a thing?
Should we be aware of this?
I don't know.
Probably something to ask.
SPEAKER_01 (20:32):
Well, what was it from usual suspects?
The grandest trick the devilever played was convincing the
world he didn't exist.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
Oh my god, yeah.
No, that's for real, though.
I mean, that just, you know,that's a definitely a thing.
For real.
Um.
Anyway, I hope everybody's uhsatisfied with this episode, and
uh we're gonna keep them coming.
That's our goal here at I TellStories.
I hope everybody out there ishaving a great spooky season,
(20:59):
and you'll be hearing from ussoon.
Much love, everybody.
Well hello there my friend.
Um it's nice to hear from you onthis nice spooky day.
Uh how is how's that that thatBillings Montana spooky funk
treating you out there in the inthe Montana?
SPEAKER_01 (00:14):
Oh you know, it's uh it's a spooky year round around
these parts, especially in finedowntown Billings, but uh Right.
SPEAKER_00 (00:23):
No, it's definitely uh definitely a spooky pa place
to be.
Um you might yeah, for sure.
Oh my god, that's perfect.
If you're a dentist indeed.
Yeah, or uh yeah.
People following you around,change.
Change.
Sorry.
(00:43):
Sorry, everybody out there.
Uh nonetheless, today we have auh a story for you of sorts, I
guess.
Usually I would pre-record thesethings and then you know we
listen and comment on it, andthat's how we do the episode.
But today I'm just gonna kind ofgive it a breakdown because uh
it's about uh Robert the Devil.
SPEAKER_01 (01:01):
He's uh uh look, mama, it's the devil.
SPEAKER_00 (01:04):
Yeah.
It's it's a famous uh it's likea folklore from France.
Medieval.
Medieval France, however youwant to say that.
Um they can't really pin down auh an exact like you know, who
it's after or whatever, thesetypes of things, but they do
have a couple ideas, and uh thisso there's a lot of versions of
it, is what I'm getting at.
(01:25):
So I'm gonna to read here is atranslation of uh a French
novel.
Uh or actually this is anItalian one, I I apologize.
Arturo Graf gives this versionof the legend in his 1889 book
to Diavolo.
I think I I hope I said thatright.
But anyway, here's the Englishtranslation of Robert the Devil,
(01:45):
his basic story here, guys.
There once was a Duchess ofNormandy who was tormented with
desire to have children, and yetcould have none.
Wary of recommending herself toGod, who will not listen to her,
she betakes herself to thedevil, and her wish is speedily
satisfied.
A son is born to her, averitable firebrand.
As an infant, he bites his nurseand tears out her hair.
(02:08):
As a lad, he nices his teachers.
At the age of twenty, he becomesa bandit chief.
He is dubbed knight, in thebelief that thus the wicked
instincts raging within him maybe overcome.
But thereafter, he is worse thanhe was before.
No one surpasses him in strengthor in courage.
In attorney, he overthrows andslays thirty opponents.
(02:29):
Then he goes roaming about theworld.
Then he returns to his nativelands and begins once more to
play the bandit, robbing,burning, murdering, ravishing,
and one day, after cutting thethroats of all the nuns of a
certain abbey, he remembers hismother and goes in search of
her.
As soon as they spy him, theservants take their heels.
Scattering in all directions,not one tarries to ask him
(02:49):
whence he comes or what hedesires.
Then for the first time in hislife, Robert is astounded at the
horror which aspires in hisfellow beings.
For the first time he becomesconscious of his own monstrous
wickedness, and he feels how hisheart is pierced by the sharp
tooth of remorse.
But why is he wickeder thanother men?
Why was he born thus?
Who made him what he is?
(03:09):
An ardent longing seizes him tounravel this mystery.
He hastens to his mother, andwith the drawn sword, he adjures
her to unveil to him the secretof his birth.
Learning this, he becomesfrantic.
Uh yeah.
You know, this goes on for awhile.
I'm gonna cut this right here.
I'm making an executivedecision.
Okay, Ellen.
Because within this story, hismother was barren, okay?
(03:34):
Not like her title.
She was barren, meaning that shecouldn't have children.
So, like, they and that would bea baroness, I suppose, right?
But like uh, so she was prayingto God, and he wouldn't answer
her, so prayed to the devil, andthe devil basically fathered
this child.
That's what he finds outeventually here.
And uh, within the story aswell, and some other versions I
(03:56):
read, when he goes to that abbeyto kill all the nuns, 50 is the
number every time.
That's something that staysconsistent.
But he goes to the abbey and hehe rapes and kills the nuns.
You know, they must have wateredthis one down a bit for general
consumption, but it was more ofa fuller version than I had
found otherwise translated.
So, like, nonetheless, he herapes and kills these nuns.
(04:18):
Okay, and then right after that,he goes to his mother's place
where she lives and whatnot, andhe's still bloody from all this,
and that's why all theseservants and whatever turn their
turn to their heels or whateverit says in the in the thing I
just read and tear out becausethey're terrified of him, you
know, and that's when herealizes who he is, you know.
I don't know.
What do you think, Owen?
(04:39):
What do you think of thisfolklore?
SPEAKER_01 (04:41):
It's crazy.
I did see that, yeah, it beganin France and then gained a lot
of traction in Spain and, as yousaid, Italy.
And I mean, there's not that Ican think of a more vile
character, really, or you know,it's a very simple, very
interesting concept, andespecially then, you know, of
(05:04):
Catholicism.
Umest known account of in Latinas a prose narrative by a
Dominican French at the end ofand not Dominican Republic
people.
That's like an order of French.
Yeah.
Right.
I'm like, what?
I'm like, oh wait, no, I knowthat.
I know that's a term.
Right.
Um, but yeah, just what a Imean, I can't recall any other
(05:28):
story like raping and killingnuns people.
Like this, yeah, this is uh 50nuns, guys.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
50 every time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Later on, Robert, um, once heunderstands like what he is as
well, though, they try to makehim a hero, sort of, in some
way.
And I mean, we gotta rememberthat this is medieval France.
This is the same area thatbirthed William the Conqueror or
the Bastard, you know, whicheverway you want to say that.
(05:57):
And he's nor knights in Normandywere very vile people, man.
They they like the the chivalrythat we know is just so untrue.
They were uh rapists, basically,that couldn't read and rode
ponies.
That's that's what I get out ofmost.
They did, because their horses,you know, horses weren't as the
(06:20):
the horses they rode as knightswere not very uh not very tall.
They were more like uh a glitterhoof, as the BHP would call
them.
Um nonetheless, he uh he goes touh uh to Rome, but he he finds a
uh in the in the stories that Iread, he finds a hermit, okay?
And back then hermits had likequalities that were like
(06:43):
religious, spiritual, forwhatever, if you were a hermit,
you were like some sort of anoracle in ways, you know.
So he goes to this hermit.
I'm telling you guys this offthe top of the head, because I
read a bunch of differentversions of it to try to like
kind of piece it together.
But I do and anyway, so thishermit tells him how bad how
terrible he is and what he needsto do to make penance.
And basically what he says is heneeds to dress down in the
(07:04):
bearest of clothes, and uh theonly food he can eat for his
penance is the the food that thedogs reject, you know, in the
streets, things of that nature,you know.
And he ends up going to uh Romeand he gets an audience with the
Pope, right?
Is it the Pope?
Yeah, yeah.
So he gets a Robert uh Robertthere, he gets an audience with
(07:26):
the Pope, and uh the Pope thinksthis guy looks so silly because
he's kind of like a crazyperson.
I I believe in some of thestories he's not allowed to talk
either, you know, that's part ofthe punishment.
And um, and and it's not alwaysthe Pope, too.
There's some monarchs, you know,it's somebody with a crown or
like some sort of thing they canpass down as well.
And uh because within thesestories, as he's the fool in the
(07:46):
court of the king or the pope orwhatever it may be, he uh lives
with the dogs, he's under thetable, and they become uh
there's the they become underthreat from a another nation of
sorts.
And I think in some of thestories it's Turkey, right?
Or what was Turkey?
The Saracens, I believe.
And I think that is right thatthey were that.
(08:08):
But nonetheless, so the Saracensare attacking Rome, and an angel
comes to Robert at night andsays he needs to, you know, don
his armor and go help fight andsave Rome.
And so he does on multipleoccasions and just slays people,
man.
People are like, this guy, thisknight out here in his armor,
you know, he's he's crazy.
He's slaying more than 50 nunsevery time.
(08:28):
You know, he's just he's justkilling all sorts of folks, you
know.
And eventually the daughter ofthe king recognizes Robert, you
know, as who he is.
And uh for whatever reason, theuh king decides to give uh
Robert his daughter's hand inmarriage, which would mean that
Robert would actually inheritRome, the the this kingdom, you
know.
And uh because uh from what Iget, it's like that's why I'm
(08:51):
saying it's kind of mixed up.
Sometimes it's the Pope,sometimes it's like a king, you
know, it's what it is.
And uh he turns that down and heends up just going and living
his life in the woods like ahermit.
Huh.
Yeah, that's the end resultsthat I see.
I don't know if you've seenanything else that came out of
that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:08):
There was I did see something about varying account
where he did marry the princess,but more more so, it's more more
of them are yeah, that he uhYeah, he did basically repent,
and I read one where he has asimilar thing to spray
differently that he vowed hewouldn't eat anything that he
didn't have to wrestle from thejaws of the dog.
SPEAKER_00 (09:29):
Yeah, isn't it insane?
SPEAKER_01 (09:31):
Not even right.
SPEAKER_00 (09:33):
No, it's uh it's definitely a thing, guys.
This is a pretty crazy story.
Uh I know the megavillin there.
SPEAKER_01 (09:40):
Like, yeah, that's no half-ass ain't no such thing
as halfway crooks, I guess.
SPEAKER_00 (09:46):
Apparently not.
No, and this thing here, too,uh, when one of them it says
Robert redeemed his mother'sprayer to Satan to conceive a
child.
So, like, they say by him likeuh helping Rome overcome the
Sarsen invasion or whatever,that basically that's how he
redeemed himself and then at thesame time redeemed his mother.
(10:09):
So there's yeah, there's a lotof different versions of this.
It's definitely uh yeah.
So I don't know, there's thoughtthere's that there's talk too
within these things that uh oneof his biggest uh he was born
with sin because he was bornoutside of wedlock having a
father who was a cuckold.
(10:32):
Oh wow because he was a cuckholdof Satan.
That's a that's a hell of astatement, guys.
I don't know.
Not as good a title as thegovernor of the universe.
No, the cuckhold of Satan.
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
Oh my god.
That's decidedly less optimal.
In my opinion.
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
Yeah.
Uh, you know, and they say thatit's within this, it's supposed
to be like a moral lesson and isfundamentally uh fundamentally
biblical, is typically like theresponse by a lot of people,
which I do understand because,you know, back in the day shit
was quite a bit different.
People were much more uh, youknow, had a lot of religious
(11:13):
fervor without anyunderstanding.
Wait a minute, I might talk itcould be today, it could be you
know that that just applies allacross the board.
You know, that there's no uh nothing to it.
I don't know, man.
Uh there's there's a couplecharacters that they do say that
uh Robert the Devil really mayhave been based on, and one of
them was the father of Williamthe Conqueror.
(11:36):
So that was a guy that they saidcould have been the inspiration
uh for Robert the Devil wasRobert of Normandy.
And yeah, because he was apretty bad guy.
I'm telling you, these Norman uhthese Norman lords were
terrible, or these French onesin general, it was just ugh.
Robert of Belem.
SPEAKER_01 (11:54):
Yeah, they weren't bringing people baguettes and
croissants.
Yeah, no, it wasn't like Jesusand line.
SPEAKER_00 (11:59):
Yeah, no, none of that shit.
Yeah, no, the other the otherone that they say it could have
inspired the story was uh Robertof Belem, who we may get into in
this spooky season.
But this guy was so bad that Ilove how he's referenced uh in a
show I listened to, the BHP,where they say Robert of Belem
(12:21):
was so bad that he did not havea nickname in an era where
everybody had a nickname becausehe was fucking Robert of Belem.
He's like Jeffrey Dahmer.
You know, that's why you don'thear a nickname for Jeffrey
Dahmer, because he's fuckingJeffrey Dahmer, right, guys?
Like so this you know, there's awhole lot that goes about Robert
of Belem and his whole family.
They're big fans of torture, andthey had uh, you know, it it's
(12:43):
it's a real whole whole thingthere, guys.
Uh but yeah, Robert the Devildefinitely is one of those
folklores where it's a sign,it's how the times were because
it's so brutal and so likecrazy, just just religious and
and whatnot, and somehow stillbecause he fought off heathens,
(13:04):
he redeemed himself, even thoughhe did rape and kill 50 nuns all
in one sitting.
You know, so how quickly weforget.
Yeah, how could we forget?
But you know, and so howquickly, you know, they're like,
Oh, it's okay, Robert.
Right, it's okay, you're cool.
He killed the heathen.
No worries, yeah.
You murdered the brown people.
You're fine, you're fine, guys.
(13:25):
Yeah, so that's basically whathappened.
So uh, I don't know.
Most of the time when I readthese kind of stories, I'm like,
this guy is not a hero.
You know?
It's kind of like when you readthe the old Robin Hood, how like
uh he fights that dude namedGuy, remember?
And like Guy of Gizborne.
Oh shit, I remembered.
And no, and he like literallylike cuts off his head and wears
(13:49):
his skin as like a horse outfit.
I don't even know what thefuck's going on, but like there
is some shit.
Oh no, the the guy of Gizbornekilled a horse and put it on
somehow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That sounds well, like a verystable uh individual.
Yeah, it sounds like TexasChainsaw, kinda.
You know, like there's there's alot of shit like that where that
(14:10):
was just normal to them.
They're like, oh yeah, ofcourse.
I mean, he was so big he hecould wear a horse, skin it.
Sure, why not?
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
So uh hear about some equally terrifying uh
Halloween characters?
Yeah, of course.
Uh this is a list of um bizarrecandies found uh specifically
around Halloween.
Not all of them, but how aboutwe'll get right off the bat with
(14:38):
Gummy Maggot?
Uh uh Yeah, it's like goodopaque, yeah, brown it.
Yeah.
Disgusting.
Um then apparently a company,Think Geek, in 2009 found it to
be a good idea to release sourliquid candy pea and sour liquid
(15:00):
candy blood.
That's disgusting.
So you're buying candy bodilyfluids.
Like, really, I'm sorry, I don'tjudge people.
Take a look at your life.
SPEAKER_00 (15:09):
Oh my god.
I wonder what they sell forbachelorette parties.
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, dude.
SPEAKER_01 (15:16):
Whoa! Hey uh, insect lollipops.
Everything from tequila worms tocrickets or scorpions can be
found.
Right, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00 (15:25):
I've seen those.
They used to sell them atSpencer's, I feel.
And I've seen them at a lot oftruck stops.
A lot of truck stops, I've seenthe scorpion one.
Oh, I yeah, I did tour, and allyeah, of course.
Amongst other things, I was onthe road, man.
unknown (15:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (15:44):
Turn the page.
Sorry.
There's a full pound gummy heartone can purchase.
Oh my god.
Is it is it like the size of afist?
Does it look like a heart?
Yeah, it looks gigantic.
SPEAKER_01 (15:58):
The guy's holding one, yeah.
Um interesting.
Saltageti.
unknown (16:03):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (16:04):
Apparently a cellar strand complete with a sauce to
be poured over the confectionnoodles.
Why?
This is a war crime, I feel.
Yeah.
Um, here, to the British, thislooks to be some kind of gummy
thing.
Uh, shrimps and bananas.
And it's apparently they're notshrimp flavored, but rabbit.
SPEAKER_00 (16:24):
I don't even understand right now what's
going on.
Welcome to Ice Tell Stories,people.
Um, we went from Robert theDevil to shrimp candy.
You know, if you want to knowmore about us, you can go to our
website, pitlocksupply.com,where you can pick up t-shirts
and such, and you know, checkout what else we got going on.
Uh, back to shrimp candy.
SPEAKER_01 (16:45):
Dang, that was exciting.
So this next one makes actuallyall of these seem markedly less
disgusting, which is anaccomplishment.
The nose hose is something youstrap to your face and then
uncork the nose, and slimy greencandy liquid is released onto
(17:07):
your tongue.
Well, that's equally disgusting.
SPEAKER_00 (17:09):
I don't even know what's going on.
No, that one, that's that takesthe cake, I think.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (17:15):
I don't know.
There's something about the tea,the pea, the blood.
SPEAKER_00 (17:18):
Okay, all of any of it's just no, the blood, but
yeah.
Blood, whatever, okay, in a way.
And for some reason, blood'swhatever for me.
You know, maybe because it'sHalloween, it makes sense, uh or
whatever, but urine does not.
SPEAKER_01 (17:31):
I I don't viable options.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:34):
Was this a R.
Kelly company, like subsidiary?
Some sort of like, you know, orDonald Trump, is he associated
with this company?
Yeah.
Sorry, guys.
Anyway, out there inPodcastlandia.
I don't know.
We apologize for a lot.
Well, not like truthfully, mostof the time, though.
(17:55):
You know.
SPEAKER_01 (17:55):
We're sorry to bring some of this to your attention,
and also you're welcome.
SPEAKER_00 (17:58):
Yeah, yeah.
For real.
You know, internationally, orwait, what are we globally
renowned?
Yes, yes, we are.
Hey, shout out Ghana.
SPEAKER_01 (18:06):
Fact we are.
SPEAKER_00 (18:07):
Yeah, hey, uh, I appreciate all our Ghana.
Yeah, Ghana, for sure.
All our Ghanaians.
I hope I said that right.
Oh my god, I should have lookedthat up.
But shout out to those guys, forsure.
And uh our German listeners.
The people of Ghana.
Yeah, the people of Ghana.
Shout out to all the people ofGhana.
Yeah.
Alright, there we are.
I like that.
Good job, Owen.
Go to save it.
Um, you know, I think one of themost disturbing candies ever is
(18:32):
candy corn for real.
Like, I don't even get it.
I don't I don't know what theappeal is.
I I I it's kind of like blacklicorice for me.
I just do not understand it.
It's like, what were you guyseating otherwise?
Was it really all that terriblethat you picked that?
SPEAKER_01 (18:47):
Yeah, it's just basically like wax with sugar,
essentially, is like a waxysubstance.
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much.
I think that circus peanuts mayhave any of that.
Well, of anything that I'veactually like subjected myself
to, that's perhaps the most vilecandy that I have consumed.
SPEAKER_00 (19:04):
Yeah, circus peanuts are nuts.
Yeah, I know.
I'm trying.
Um, yeah, dude.
No, this was pretty cool.
Alright.
Thanks for doing that, by theway.
You know, this there's more tothis Robert the Devil thing, by
the way, guys, and we decided toput a little like killer candy
at the end of it because some ofthis stuff is it's really hard
(19:29):
to pin down because it's nottranslated.
Like what there was justrecently in the last five years,
uh the first English translationof the story, because most of
the story comes from a romancenovel uh from medieval times,
and that's just kind of bannedby the Bishop of Antwerp, I I
(19:50):
believe, in 1621.
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
Oh, thank you.
It was added added to the indexof banned books.
SPEAKER_00 (19:56):
Yeah.
No, that's uh yeah, there it is,1621.
I do see that.
Damn.
Good one, man.
Way to be on it.
See, that's like the best factof the whole thing, you know.
We actually got on that.
So I don't know.
Creepy guy, though.
I don't I don't um I don'tcondone anybody behaving like
Robert the Devil.
Just saying.
No.
(20:17):
Yeah, certainly not.
Leave it alone, you know.
Uh, anybody who's a son ofSatan.
So does that mean the antichristwas already born?
Does the devil have kidsregularly?
Is this like a thing?
Should we be aware of this?
I don't know.
Probably something to ask.
SPEAKER_01 (20:32):
Well, what was it from usual suspects?
The grandest trick the devilever played was convincing the
world he didn't exist.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
Oh my god, yeah.
No, that's for real, though.
I mean, that just, you know,that's a definitely a thing.
For real.
Um.
Anyway, I hope everybody's uhsatisfied with this episode, and
uh we're gonna keep them coming.
That's our goal here at I TellStories.
I hope everybody out there ishaving a great spooky season,
(20:59):
and you'll be hearing from ussoon.
Much love, everybody.
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