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December 13, 2025 16 mins
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SPEAKER_00 (01:38):
Well ahoy to you, sir.
Uh or flappity flap flap.
I don't know how else to saythis, but we're talking about
vampire bats, people.
Alright.
The stuff of nightmares,possibly, for some.
I don't know.
Does it conjure thoughts ofDracula or Dracula for you guys?

SPEAKER_01 (01:59):
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 (02:00):
Yeah, me too.
Pretty spooky stuff here, guys.
Uh decided to uh talk aboutvampire bats today because, you
know, spooky season, let's go.
Love animals.
I don't know if I love batsthough.
And I don't know if this haschanged my mind on them at all.
Um I do know that uh recentlythey discovered human DNA in the

(02:21):
fecal matter of bats in like theAmazon or something.
And what that's showing is thatthese bats are now feeding on
humans.
For sure.
It used to not be a thing.
It used to be just cattle andsmall mammals.
Right.
So, you know, maybe that'ssomething we'll touch on within
this.
Excuse me.
It's just, you know, it's thattype of type of story that I had

(02:44):
to clear my my my throat and getthe vocal cords humming.
Alright.
Nonetheless.

SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
And I did see that they st they live in colonies of
100 to 1,000.
Yeah.
And so a large colony, you know,and the the thousand in a single
year could drain the blood of250 cows or 1900 humans.
Yeah.
That's creepy, guys.

(03:10):
Like they're tiny little things,too.
Yeah.
I saw that they only weigh abouttwo ounces, yet they consume
half their body weight in bloodnightly.
Yeah, no, that's just I'm not II think this will make me stick
with dogs too.
We did an episode long ago aboutanimals that'll make you stick
with dogs.
I think I'm happy with my buggybear.

SPEAKER_00 (03:31):
Yeah, no, I mean, as you know, they did conjure up
the feelings of Dracula.
No, vampire bats that will nothypnotize you or do anything of
that nature.
They're not going to um, youknow, they're just bats, guys.
But I don't know how they wouldattack a person.
I imagine when they they attackcattle, they just get on their
back and start drinking orsomething.

(03:54):
Uh one of the things that Iagreed with, and I got some of
this from uh an article onGraveyard Shift, which is pretty
cool.
Um and what they said is theidea of a bat that exists solely
on blood is pretty terrifying.
Now, let alone Yeah, now letalone the oh it's Brazil.
Let alone that in Brazil they'reum starting to drink human

(04:17):
blood, people.
Okay, every time I get to sayingthat I have to clear my throat
because I get kind of nervous, Ithink.

SPEAKER_01 (04:22):
Uh there was one death from rabies in Brazil,
too.
Oh related to a uh bite from avampire, which they do.
Their fangs are razor sharp, butit turns out they don't have a
lot of teeth, and the ones atthe back are quite dull.
Um, I did see also that theywhen they bite, they delivered

(04:43):
an a local anesthetic.
So it said like if you wereasleep, uh you may not you may
not realize you were bitten by abat until you woke up and found
the the telltale thing marks.
Right.
So pretty terrifying.
I've always kind of wanted to goto Brazil.
Um I'm gonna go not during batseason, maybe.

(05:04):
There's a bat season.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm ignorant on such matters.

SPEAKER_00 (05:11):
Yeah.
No, I mean it could be a thing,bat season.
We should look that up.
Maybe it's a maybe we'll do anepisode on is this like shark
week.
There's bat season.
I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 (05:21):
Oh god.
Who knows?
And then I did see there's threedifferent breeds of vampire bats
who have three different mainfood sources.
Um the common one, which isterrifying, only feeds on
mammals.
So yeah.
No, that's well, the whitewinged dines on birds and
mammals.

(05:41):
The hairy-legged bat dinesalmost exclusively on birds.

SPEAKER_00 (05:46):
And probably by himself, if the hairy legged
bat, you know, I what a name fora bat.
I shouldn't hell.

SPEAKER_01 (05:53):
I thought that I was like, uh that's pretty
technical.

SPEAKER_00 (05:57):
Yeah, I know.
Sometimes these names, people,they're not all like Latin and
whatnot.
Sometimes they're just thehairy-legged bat.
Yeah.
Whenever I think of bats uh andhow they kind of group together
or whatever, I think of AceVentura pec pet detective.
Because I think in it's thesecond one he he has to solve a

(06:19):
crime that has to do with guano,which is bat poop people for
you, bat layman, you know.
Up here, here at IT I TellStories headquarters, doo doo
doo doo doo doo.
We have uh top notch researchmaterials where we know these
kind of words, but yeah.
So that the you did touch on howmuch they ate and whatnot, and

(06:41):
one of the things that I thoughtwas interesting within that is
they actually eat half theirbody weight in blood nightly.
Yeah, I said that.
Oh, did you say that?
I didn't know if you said thatpart.
I was like, oh my gosh, look atme.

SPEAKER_01 (06:56):
Yeah, no, that's crazy.
And they they dine quiteleisurely.
I guess it takes them a halfhour, they're sitting there just
like and they don't actuallysuck blood.
They uh they basically just waitfor it to be, you know, after
after producing the pipe marks.
Yeah, they just let the getpumped.

SPEAKER_00 (07:15):
Did you say that or the victim?
I wonder, I don't know, I didn'thear I wasn't paying attention.
I apologize, but like did did uhdid you say if within the the
agent that has like a numbingeffect, do you think it has like
a blood thinner too?

SPEAKER_01 (07:29):
Maybe uh I did see they're actually working on
stroke, so like an anti-clottingdrug from saliva from enzyme in
the vampire bat saliva, as wellas I saw that they read that
they um were working on lowdoses of rabies that could then
make one immune to them, whichis like I was volunteering like

(07:51):
sure, just it's just a low doseof rabies.
Oh my god.
You know, you only spawn withthe mouth for like a half hour,
it's fine, but no, I have noidea.

SPEAKER_00 (08:02):
But I'm not signing up for such uh medical trial.
Yeah, I'm not putting my fingerin that pie.
No thanks.
I heard that.
Sorry, I heard that expression.
Sorry, I heard that expressionearlier, and I thought it was so
bizarre that I had to try to fitit in.
I don't so if it doesn't totallyapply, that's why.

(08:23):
Uh sorry, go ahead, man.
I I totally cut you off on that.

SPEAKER_01 (08:27):
Oh no, I was just surprised to see we all know
speaking of expressions, blindas a bat, that doesn't really
work because they have excellentvision, uh as good as humans up
to three times better.

SPEAKER_00 (08:38):
So I was unaware of that.
As well as sonar, huh?
Damn, that's amazing.
What a what a freaking they'relike flying blood drinking
dolphins, too, you know.
They can echo locate.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (08:52):
So and the the babies uh do not dine on blood,
but milk.

SPEAKER_00 (08:58):
Huh.

SPEAKER_01 (08:59):
Bloody milk, maybe?

SPEAKER_00 (09:01):
No.
Well, maybe, I don't know.
You know, here's something I'mgonna find, because you're on a
roll, dude, and uh oh, andyou're killing this episode, my
friend.
I'm actually really appreciatingthis.
Uh the one fact that I'm uh seewithin their feeding stuff is
oddly, my friend, their kidneysstart to process waste so fast
that it's common for them tostart urinating while they're

(09:22):
eating.

SPEAKER_01 (09:24):
So I think it's said in that that article by
Graveyard Shift that so if youwere to get bitten, you're also
gonna get peed on by a vampirebat to make the experience just
all the more.

SPEAKER_00 (09:36):
No, I didn't see that.
That's great.
I love that.
Yeah, so so we got some folksthat listen down here, you know,
in South America and Mexico.
I don't know about CentralAmerica all the way, I haven't
seen anything, guys.
So, you know, sure.
Um nonetheless, vampire bats,that's where they're at, guys.
And uh if I was in Tejas in someof those states, I'd be nervous

(09:58):
if uh, you know, they startedfeeding and growing in
population, they might roam upthat away.
So, you know, I don't know.
We're one step away from uh aStephen King movie, guys.
I feel no shit.
I mean this is gotta be Yeah,I'm good in the north.
Yeah, this gotta be panickedpeople.
Uh let's cause panic.
Vampire bats everywhere.

(10:18):
Yeah, I don't know.
So yeah, that's it.
This is very interesting.
I actually do enjoy this quite abit.
Animals are um, you know,they're just great.
How about that?
These guys are pretty handsomeas well.
They look like um I don't evenwant to say it.

(10:41):
They look pretty ridiculous,we'll just say.
And um, they don't look likethey'd be very good kissers.
That's probably why they drinkblood.
Um yeah, I don't know.
What do you think about theseguys?
Owen, would you own one as apet?

SPEAKER_01 (10:56):
Fuck no.
No?
Absolutely not.
That's the one of those never inlife type situations.
But I mean, hey, if that's yourthing, is owning vampire bats,
like I'm not uh yeah, I'm notone to rain on your parade, but

(11:17):
I shan't be doing it to myself.

SPEAKER_00 (11:19):
Don't do that, Owen.
Don't be raining on them.
Don't don't do that.
Don't piss on the parades, Owen.
Uh hey, I'm gonna hit you with abat fact bat people.
Uh there's over 1400 species ofbats worldwide.
Uh that makes them the secondmost abundant mammal group,
right after rodents.
So there's dang, that's a lot ofdifferent kinds of rats and uh

(11:40):
whatnots too.
But I guess rodents.
Bats aren't rodents?
What the fuck?
So bats are just bats.
I always kind of thought theywere like a rodent.
I don't know.
Seems like a flying rodent.
Yeah, and giving it much thoughtthough, honestly.
No, neither.

SPEAKER_01 (11:54):
Come to think of it.
Yeah, I guess I have lived withwomen who are bat y, but that's
another matter.

SPEAKER_00 (12:00):
Yeah.
Well we'll leave that one alonefor right now, guys.
Um, diversity in diet for batsworldwide is pretty, you know.
So you got the blood, right?
Obviously, we're talking aboutthat.
But some of them uh feed onsomething as delicate as pollen.
Uh fruit, they they eat on thenectar out of the pollen, like
just kind of like a hummingbirdalmost, is what I'm getting out

(12:23):
of this.

SPEAKER_01 (12:23):
So that's like a really disturbing fucking
disease-deadly hummingbird.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (12:30):
Yes.
You nailed it, Owen.
I'm glad you're on the showtoday.
Uh yeah, I know you you nailedit, man.
Um, they're they're pretty okay.
So then within that, there arebats from the range of a species
that weighs less than a gram.
That's tiny, right?
Uh it's uh to the giant goldencrowned flying fox.

(12:50):
That's a hell of a name.
The giant golden crowned flyingfox, which has a wingspan on it.
Yeah, six-foot wingspan, Owen.
Holy shit.
That's a massive bat.
I uh I'd get the fuck out ofwherever that thing was for
sure.
You think you could hear that?
Yeah, I'm clean on that, man.
Yeah, you you think you couldhear that thing coming?

SPEAKER_01 (13:11):
I would think so.

SPEAKER_00 (13:13):
Alright, Owen.
One thing I wanted to share withyou as well, real quick here,
uh, was I had actually watched avideo of a vampire bat running
on a treadmill.
And I want to tell you that itwas like frickin' creepy, man.
It's very bizarre.
It looks like something out of ahorror movie for real.
And apparently they do run likethat.

(13:34):
They will get down and runsometimes.
So it's insane.
It's on all fours, by the way.
So don't try to imagine it likerunning upright like uh like us
or anything.
But if I've seen somethingrunning at me like that, and
they're relatively, you know,they're they're probably like
the size of a Pomeranian withwings, I'm guessing, right?
Something of that nature.
I mean they're they're decentsize, so you know that would uh

(13:57):
terrify the fuck out of me,guys.
And speaking of terrifyingthings, uh damn that that was a
bad segue into telling you youshould visit pitlock supply.com.
And uh there's some spookytracks on there, actually, so
that works out.
You know, Home of ApocalypsePit, uh, from Doomsday
Productions, which is a gangsterhorrorcore rap group from the

(14:19):
90s.
So that's something.
That's spooky.
We got a couple tracks up there.
Uh also we sell shirts, so youcan pick yourself up a night
tell story shirt, and that's uhjust benefits the show and
allows us to continue on.
Chugging the way guys.
Podcast landia.

SPEAKER_01 (14:34):
Which are high quality shirts with quite the
design on them.

SPEAKER_00 (14:38):
Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, we all have a hand in thishere.
It's community people.
Uh which we also decided, youknow, we'll joke around and do
like the podcast land you thingor whatever we say and stuff,
and we're like, oh, you know,what should we call like people?
Should we even do that sort ofdeal?
And we decided against itbecause it's kind of corny,
guys.
Like, we're not gonna call youlike the I tell story it's or

(15:00):
anything.
I don't know.
That was pretty fucking lame.

SPEAKER_01 (15:02):
I just said our people.

SPEAKER_00 (15:03):
Yeah, folks, our folks, our people, yep.
So I actually was kind of gonnaask you something real quick
though before we end this all,Owen.
Do you have any like have youever encountered a bat in your
life where you were like, holyfuck?

SPEAKER_01 (15:15):
Uh there was one in the cabin ages ago, I think
probably like over 15 years ago.
And uh my dad and stepmom andstepsisters had been had been in
the cabin, I guess, for a coupledays, I think they were there
already.
And uh yeah, happened to be inthe closet and room where I was.
I promptly got a broom, whackedthe motherfucker, and brushed it

(15:40):
outside.
So my one bad encounter, theywere quite pleased that I showed
up and uh I wasn't even tryingto kill the thing, but I I I
wasn't in its house.
So it was not there in themorning, so either it flew
elsewhere or something got a batsnack.

SPEAKER_00 (15:59):
Right.
I would assume though thatyou're not a splunker, right?
So you would not be going in umany bats households or whatnot.
No, no, not a uh not a commonpractice of mine.
I wonder what they call.
You know what we didn't I didn'tlook up.
I feel pretty dumb about thisright now.
What do they call a group ofbats?
Like what is it?
Is it a a squabble?
A colony.
A colony of the colony, okay.

(16:20):
Yeah, all right, nice.
From what I read.
They're colonizers.
That's the scariest thing in theworld.
Yeah.
It is.

SPEAKER_01 (16:30):
Sorry.
Yeah, yeah.

unknown (16:32):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (16:33):
Well, they're keeping in line with it, they're
bringing diseases and feastingon human blood, so don't think
this hasn't been charming.
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