Reflections on Virtues, Legacies, and the Impact of Fathers in Family Dynamics

Send us a text

*LOST EPISODE season 1 Date: January 2, 2020*

Have you ever wondered which virtue might be overrated, or what you could come back as in another life? We sit down in our cozy, makeshift studio, embracing the thrill of an impromptu recording session filled with laughter and candid thoughts. As we shuffle through Poddex cards, we find ourselves in an engaging discussion about virtues, reincarnation, and the legacies of transformative figures like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman. Our musings take us on a journey of self-reflection, making us question our own aspirations and the meaningful lives we wish to lead.

The conversation takes a poignant turn as we explore the sensitive topic of suicide, delving into the motivations and societal pressures that might drive such decisions. Balancing humor with depth, we even ponder our own preferred ways to bid farewell to this world. Who are your heroes? We take a reflective look at the difficulty of identifying personal heroes in today's fast-paced world, acknowledging the timeless influence of parents and how their guidance shapes our values and legacy.

Politics and family structures make their way into our dialogue, as we dissect the roles of absent fathers and the critical impact they have on communities, particularly in communities of color. We dive into the complexities of parenting and the importance of co-parenting, where personal anecdotes reveal the struggles and triumphs of fostering strong family principles. Whether discussing the nuances of dating expectations or the life lessons imparted by father figures, we celebrate the enduring impact of fathers in nurturing the self-esteem and perceptions of future generations. Join us as we unpack these topics with an honest and heartfelt lens, driven by our passion for nurturing healthier family dynamics and community growth.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:35):
Thank you for watching.
All right, we we back.
Yeah, it's a little different.
You uh, we laugh it becausewe're not in our normal studio.
We actually sitting in a gmaxuh living room right now
recording welcome everybody inthis bachelor pad you know, what
I should have set up the camerabecause we could actually video
this.

Speaker 3 (00:55):
No, I don't want nobody else to see this.
No, we should.
We should do that next time wegot to record we just made uh
iheart radio, so we need to.

Speaker 1 (01:04):
We got to be more professional, so we need to be
more professional.

Speaker 3 (01:09):
Um get my hair.
Did that.
We're gonna get your head myhair.

Speaker 1 (01:12):
Did you know what we should?
We should do that, we shouldrecord and we come to our.
We should get our hair didright, that's what I thought
your hair did that right?

Speaker 3 (01:21):
that's what I thought .

Speaker 1 (01:22):
No, but we know, but we're trying to be be raw.
We want people to see how wereally are.

Speaker 3 (01:26):
Ain't nobody trying, to be no raw.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
Yeah, we are, I like it.

Speaker 3 (01:29):
Okay, I'm going to come raw then, no, no.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
What's your raw mean?
What's your raw?
What do your raw consist?

Speaker 4 (01:36):
of.

Speaker 3 (01:40):
I'm going to have my whole beat on, and then my hair
did I?

Speaker 2 (01:45):
don't know.
Y'all say, come right when Iroll out of bed Out of control
as always yeah, okay, Let metell you.

Speaker 1 (01:50):
I got these cards.
It's called Poddex.
I don't want to give them nopromotion, but they're supposed
to be good.
Now each card has a different Iguess a different question on
it.
It's to start off any podcast.
So what I'm going to do, I'mgoing to shuffle them up.
I'm going to have, let's see.

(02:11):
You know, I'm trying to do thesound different because I want
you all to hear me shufflingthem.
I don't know if you guys canhear that on the mic.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
Yeah, I don't hear.

Speaker 1 (02:19):
I'm going to get everybody to pick one.
Do we need to close our eyes?

Speaker 5 (02:23):
I'm gonna get everybody to pick one.
We need to close our eyes youcould.

Speaker 1 (02:25):
If you want to, alright Ness, just alright.
Everybody's picking a card, soI'll let can we look at it?
Yeah, look at it alright, soI'll let you go first, since
you're talking, ask the questionon a card and we gotta answer
it what do you consider the mostoverrated virtue?

(02:49):
Oh wow, oh, jay, you go pass no.

Speaker 5 (03:06):
I don't have an answer.
I have to think about that oh,here you go.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
Where's your little sound?
Effect the most overrated.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
Okay, I'll go and come back but you gotta come
back to them though if you wereto die and come back as a person
or thing, what do you think itwould be?
Wow that's hard too damn I likeit though, because I mean five
things came to mind.
Right, at least you know twopeople in five things, but I'll

(03:37):
just do the people well, can weanswer, because I got a couple
answers.

Speaker 1 (03:40):
Can we do that?

Speaker 3 (03:41):
okay, you could just shoot the people in the things
go ahead no, no, I just do thething.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
So I would say dr martin luther king and but he
gets shot.
No, that's not funny, but I'mjust saying you get to you alter
, you get to alter your fate,like I hope that's part of this
whole thing.
But anyway, this man wastransformative.

(04:07):
I really wish to experiencesomething like that, to have
that kind of effect on so manypeople, regardless of your race,
regardless of your religion.
He was just a transformativeleader and we need more people
like that.
So if I was to reincarnate,that's what I want to be I feel

(04:28):
like I gotta top that now.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
Maybe I say michael banks, I don't, I don't know no
I don't know, I wouldn't, Iwouldn't say that you know why I
would come back.
You didn't?

Speaker 2 (04:36):
let him finish.
You had more.
Oh, you had more.
I'm sorry, no, no, no, let's,let's.
We're gonna start with theperson on that one, yeah um, I
guess I'll go next.

Speaker 1 (04:44):
I I was.
I was thinking more of a thing.
I would.
I would come back as like aturtle or something I did.
I was like a dick you know I'mthinking of living long, like
the turtles could live like 100,150 years, 200 years.
They swim around.
Honestly, nobody really messeswith a turtle if you, if you, if
you're located in a place wherethey don't hunt you and eat you

(05:06):
, you like.
Pretty much that's what I'mthinking.
I mean, you know I'd be runningover by cars and stuff, yeah,
but I won't leave the ocean.

Speaker 3 (05:14):
What if someone?
Brings you out.

Speaker 4 (05:16):
Okay, think about it Sea turtles are the ones that
live.

Speaker 3 (05:19):
So you want to be a sea turtle.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, I want to be turtle.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
Yeah, I'm gonna be a sea turtle.
Don't you think that's a boringexistence compared to what you
have now?
But you're alive and you're notshot on a rooftop, on a balcony
.

Speaker 2 (05:35):
So my motto is it's not the length of time you live,
it's the quality.

Speaker 1 (05:39):
It's a quality okay, so then, and then you say that,
and that's okay, all right.
So you know what then?
And if you're like that, youknow I'm saying this because I
honestly was thinking this theother day I would be Harriet
Tubman.
I like that and if we'rethinking about something that's
changing like I think you know,I think she's one of the
phenomenal people when it comesto history, especially black

(06:00):
history.
Sure, she's one of the one ofthe phenomenal people when it
comes to history especiallyblack history for sure this lady
.
I mean, I just learned that she,when she hiked from all the way
from what was it like Alabamato like something, it was like
far.
Whatever it was, it was likeAustin it was whatever it was
and she did.
She made that trip severaltimes, yeah, so you know to live

(06:22):
through that time.
Nothing could stop her right sounstoppable so I would be
somebody like that if we weregoing talking about people.
What about you?

Speaker 4 (06:32):
I don't know, I never really thought about that and a
bunch of shallow answers.
You're right, I know, you guysare nice.

Speaker 3 (06:43):
I said turtle.

Speaker 1 (06:43):
You guys looked at me like I was crazy.
What the fuck is that?
That's worse than turtle,that's for sure.

Speaker 5 (06:48):
The only thing I know about turtles is that they're
very fertile.
That's it, holla Fertile,fertile.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
That's what I'm talking, See.

Speaker 4 (06:56):
I knew I was on to something back as a rabbit,
because you know you know, ohshit yeah, I'd like to be a
rabbit a rabbit?

Speaker 1 (07:07):
okay, I can see that fuck like bunnies keeping it
real.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
Keeping it real like bunnies.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
What about you?

Speaker 3 (07:21):
I think I would come back as one of my children.
That's strange Because they Iknow that their caretaker is
trying to give them the bestlife possible, like and they

(07:41):
don't see a struggle, but theyknow how, what it is to hustle.
Like I think that's the best ofworst worlds, like a life like
you're talking about.
I mean, I get what you'resaying, like martin's game,
whatever, but like, just I'm notthinking that like, like I
think that my kids live the bestlife I secretly like want to be

(08:02):
them.

Speaker 4 (08:03):
See, it's all about her right right it's her full
circle about you excuse me, youasked me a question and I didn't
ask you why you answered yourquestion?

Speaker 2 (08:14):
why don't you just say you want to come back as you
?

Speaker 5 (08:16):
I mean, yeah, you're right.
You also said that if I saidthat, you guys would have said
something to me.

Speaker 3 (08:21):
That's not answering the question so I said my kids
with the bag he said I wouldcome back as myself.
I think I live an amazing life.
I would definitely come back asmyself again, but since you
guys would have made fun of me,I said my kids and I thought
that you wouldn't make fun ofthem.

Speaker 5 (08:40):
No, I'm just trying to figure out.

Speaker 2 (08:41):
I'm making fun of all y'all, sorry.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
So I'm making fun of all y'all.
So you're just going to comeback as your husband.

Speaker 3 (08:46):
No, I don't want to be my husband, because he's the
one that does all the hard stuff.
I want to come back as myhusband.

Speaker 4 (08:52):
Myself.

Speaker 1 (08:55):
Would you consider that shallow?
Is that shallow or no?

Speaker 3 (08:58):
That is so shallow I change history for some people,
like my kids.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
Keep it in the family , right.
Keep it in the family, you guysare so judgmental I can't
believe it.

Speaker 4 (09:10):
I think it's delightful.

Speaker 3 (09:12):
I thought it was a no judgment zone.

Speaker 4 (09:15):
I'm not judging you.
I like it.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
AJ, read your card.
Who do you want to be?

Speaker 5 (09:23):
I can't think of a person or a thing.
The only thing that really, Iguess, explains what I would
want to be is some kind oftransformative energy, I thought
you were going to saytransformer.
No.

Speaker 3 (09:36):
Who's that big yellow one?

Speaker 5 (09:39):
On multiple people, just like a positive energy, I
would like to be, so you wouldcome back as yourself.

Speaker 2 (09:51):
Well, she's saying she's not a positive.
I'm not saying she is.

Speaker 5 (09:55):
I'm not saying no, I'm, I'm thinking like so, like
now, people use like as positiveenergies they might.
I'm thinking more like material, like a material like fossil or
rock.
You know they hold energy andthey, you know people use them
as positive energy orinspirational energy, and I'm
thinking something like that.

Speaker 2 (10:14):
Yeah, that's where my mind goes.

Speaker 5 (10:16):
I love that.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
I love that.
That's different.

Speaker 5 (10:19):
So, all right, I'm going to read my card now.

Speaker 3 (10:22):
Like a Neiman Marcus credit card.

Speaker 5 (10:40):
That all right, I'm gonna read my card like like a
neiman marcus credit card.
So my question is how would youlike to die?
What?

Speaker 1 (10:43):
yeah, that's the real question how would you like to
die?
And my answer is peacefully.
Wait, not at all.
I just had a debate withsomebody about suicide recently.
Because you're not, you know,because some people you know how
people jump off the bridge andthey jump in front of cars.
I'm like why do people try tokill yourself painfully?
Why can't you just gopeacefully?
Yeah, I don't understand.

Speaker 4 (10:59):
You go in the garage and roll the windows and let the
carbon monoxide.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
Oh my God, you thought that through.
It sounded like you thoughtthat through.

Speaker 4 (11:05):
Let the carbon monoxide.

Speaker 3 (11:06):
Well, you go peacefully, you fall asleep and
Right, but I don't want to be apart of this conversation at all
, in case the investigators comeand ask me later what happened.
What the fuck do you meantalking about the garage and
putting the I mean you plan onkilling?

Speaker 5 (11:18):
someone in that way.
People who contemplate suicidehave some kind of like self.
They want to self injure likethat, like they want.
They don't want it to bepeaceful.
I think if you were peacefuland you didn't have turmoil on
the inside, you wouldn't want tokill yourself well, yeah, but
no, but you get those peoplethat want to jump off the
bridges.

Speaker 1 (11:38):
I'm talking about like painful things jump off
bridges, jump in front of atrain, get mangled and then you
got the people that want to takepills and go to sleep.

Speaker 3 (11:45):
Maybe that's that's me, if I'm attention like that
they're seeking that they didn'thave, right, like because you
know that if you jump in frontof a train that you're gonna
your name is gonna be on thenewspaper right as being killed
by the train.
Like maybe that's some type ofattention seeking behavior.
I'm not saying that I know thatfor a, but I'm saying maybe
that's a possibility, becausepeople who die peacefully, like

(12:05):
in their home, nobody talksabout them, right?
Nobody writes about them.
So you're saying it's more likea statement no, I'm saying maybe
like right, you know, for thosepeople who decide they want to
like end their life in a tragicway like they know that they

(12:26):
might not at all.
Well, I mean, if I had that, ifI had that option you're right,
a peaceful pills I would takepills, that's.

Speaker 4 (12:34):
That's the only way I would commit, not committing
suicide, I guess it's just dying.

Speaker 1 (12:39):
It's dying oh, so why ?
Okay why would you Okay,peaceful.
Yes, I like to like.

Speaker 4 (12:45):
At an old age.
Yeah, I want to be 125 and Ijust Gonna go to bed at night
and just don't wake up.

Speaker 3 (12:50):
I want to die having an orgasm.

Speaker 1 (12:53):
No, I don't.
I don't think.
You know why I wouldn't.

Speaker 3 (12:56):
Because they were like that's a thought.

Speaker 1 (12:59):
Listen okay, why not?

Speaker 3 (13:01):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
Why not?
No, but at the funeral.
That's the funeral thateverybody's going to talk about.

Speaker 5 (13:05):
Did you hear, she got a frequently.

Speaker 4 (13:10):
You remember?

Speaker 5 (13:11):
when.

Speaker 4 (13:13):
Charles had died.
Charles Suit.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
Oh, you call it AIDS.
You drop the AIDS.
I'm about to edit that.

Speaker 4 (13:20):
Who the hell knows who that is.
No one knows who that is Well.

Speaker 5 (13:24):
they're going to Google his ass now.

Speaker 3 (13:26):
They're going to Google it now.
He wasn't famous.

Speaker 2 (13:30):
I'm going to bleep it out but go ahead.

Speaker 4 (13:32):
But that happened to him.

Speaker 3 (13:34):
He's like Charles Smith when he died remember that
.

Speaker 1 (13:37):
Did he really die that way?

Speaker 4 (13:38):
We all went to Thanksgiving dinner and then the
next day Mommy got a phone calland said that he had passed,
and mommy said how?
And Connie was like we weremaking love.

Speaker 1 (13:53):
I guess that's the way to go.

Speaker 3 (13:54):
Tell me that's not the most bomb ass way to go.
Man, listen when you're on topand you're having an orgasm and
you just go.

Speaker 1 (14:04):
He made love to her like he never made love to her
before.
That's what he said.
That's what she said.
Then you just go.

Speaker 4 (14:06):
He made love to her like he'd never done before.

Speaker 3 (14:09):
And then she woke up the next morning.
I don't care about the otherway.
I'm dying on top.
That's it.

Speaker 5 (14:16):
What.

Speaker 3 (14:17):
You're going to have to figure out how to get me off.

Speaker 1 (14:19):
But you don't think that's a failure.

Speaker 3 (14:25):
I feel like it's a failure.
You just pass out for the otherperson, no, the one that's
still living.
They can make it up somehow.
The point is, you gotta goright.

Speaker 2 (14:30):
So if you gotta go, you might as well go go out with
a card and yeah, but I feellike I lost though you're such a
loser exactly.

Speaker 3 (14:37):
I don't want to be a loser exactly, exactly you're
not thinking that's cool rightnow no, you know but you know
who's the winner?

Speaker 1 (14:44):
The person that survived Like, oh I fucked the
shit out of them.

Speaker 3 (14:47):
I fucked them to death.
It's a win-win for both people.
If you're going to die, right,it's a win-win for both.

Speaker 1 (14:54):
Right.

Speaker 2 (14:56):
Oh, we're getting so bored.

Speaker 1 (14:57):
Yeah, you guys are getting dark.
All right, I got one.
Who are your heroes in reallife?
That's kind of corny.
But who are your heroes in reallife?
Don't say your kids.

Speaker 2 (15:12):
Okay, you can say your kids.

Speaker 1 (15:14):
Or yourself.

Speaker 3 (15:17):
If you guys don't say I'm your hero, it's going to be
a problem.

Speaker 1 (15:20):
So who is your hero?

Speaker 2 (15:22):
Demeter, thank you.

Speaker 1 (15:28):
Who is your hero, demeter?
Thank you all.
Who is your hero?
Damn you guys you can't thinkof that.
I don't have one.
This world is so messed upright now, right it's really
hard to have a hero these dayslike, really I'm trying to think
who would be my hero they haveto be alive, right they don't
have to be.
I guess right, they shouldn'thave to be.

Speaker 5 (15:45):
I would be my hero.
They have to be alive, right?
They don't have to be, I guess,right they shouldn't have to be
.
I would probably say the mostinfluential people to me that
have been my heroes are myparents.
They've taught me to be who Iam.
They have taught me my values,and they're pretty decent people
Shout out.

Speaker 1 (16:00):
Shout out.
Well, I'm going to say Obama.
I say Obama, he's to me.
I mean, I'm not saying he wasthe best president, but I think
his whole slogan with the hopeand all that stuff, he really
proved to minorities that theycould be president.

Speaker 2 (16:16):
That's just my thing.

Speaker 1 (16:18):
He may not have been the best president.
He may not have completedanything that we ever said, that
they said he didn't do.
Who cares?
I just know that a lot of blackkids out there could believe
that they could be president.
Now what about you?
You ain't got no hero.

Speaker 2 (16:36):
Y'all ain't got no heroes.
I'm going to say Nelson Mandela.

Speaker 1 (16:41):
That's a good one.

Speaker 6 (16:42):
He's a cheater.

Speaker 2 (16:44):
Well, I mean, so was martin luther king like yeah,
all of y'all like can I finish?

Speaker 1 (16:50):
yeah, can you finish?

Speaker 2 (16:53):
no, but if you, if you really read his book and you
know, understand his story,this man sacrificed everything,
not even for himself or hisfamily, but for mankind,
literally mankind, but hisnation, and they really put him
through hell.
I mean, could I survive inprison for upwards of three

(17:16):
decades and come out and stillhave faith in humankind?
I mean, he did that and I don'tknow if I could do that.
I really don't.
I want to think I could, but Ithink that's a hero.

Speaker 1 (17:34):
You getting too deep.

Speaker 5 (17:36):
You deep as hell Mandela is because he's dressed
up, he's had a camera, shit,right Shit.

Speaker 1 (17:45):
Okay, All right Well let's get to the main topic then
.
Last week we were discussing Idon't know how we got on the
topic.
We were talking about Democratsand Republicans.
We were talking about blackRepublicans and black Democrats.
What do y'all think about that?

(18:05):
I guess one of the things I wassaying is and I think G-Mac and
we both were saying that welike borderline Republicans.

Speaker 3 (18:15):
Right.

Speaker 1 (18:15):
Agreed Borderline Republicans?
Not, you know, if you thinkabout, you know one of the key
things that you know theybelieve in.
You know you make your money,you keep your money, things of
the, uh, key things that youknow they believe in.
You know you make your money,you keep your money, um, things
of that nature, right, um, youwould.
You know the Democrats is morelike you know they.
Well, some people seem tobelieve that it's more of a

(18:36):
handout type of thing.
Yeah, but we I mean when I meanI'm talking about the brown
people we are better off withoutthe handouts.
To me, I believe that it's likeholding us back.
I believe if we're going tosucceed, we need to get out that

(18:57):
mind frame that we need thegovernment to help us out.
What do you say, mac?

Speaker 2 (19:03):
You said it all perfectly.
So here's my philosophy,because we kind of we kind of
segued into this off of ourdiscussion last week about, you
know, tulsa and the Tulsamovement, black Wall Street.
The reason why they thrived isbecause they needed to rely on
each other.
There was no handouts, as yousay.
The people had to rely onbuilding, working and

(19:28):
patronizing one another and theyestablished a metropolis of
success within our community andthat showed me that if we
really like, if our backs areagainst the wall and and the
real thing is, you know, thatwhole, that whole argument
between Frederick Douglass andand and Booker T Washington
right Booker T Washington saidpull yourself up by your

(19:49):
bootstraps.
And Frederick Douglass andBooker T Washington.
Booker T Washington said pullyourself up by your bootstraps.
And Frederick Douglass said thegovernment should intercede and
help us.
And that divide was a dividebetween, ultimately, how we end
up being more Democratic-mindedversus Republican-minded, and I
think, ultimately, Booker T wasright, even though when I was
younger and the way they taughtus he wasn't, but I believe it
now.
We need to be self-reliant andI think that's the principle

(20:11):
behind, you know, blackRepublicans in general.

Speaker 1 (20:16):
Right.
And if you look at like theinner cities, you have you got
like generations of welfarerecipients.
Generations, I mean we, I meana secret, we work for the child
protective services and you getthese families that, um, you
could speak to like, let's justsay, um, the youngest, the
teenager who's pregnant or justhad a baby, and you asking her,

(20:38):
like what are you going to dowith your life?
And she's like, well, I'm, youknow, I'm supposed to go down to
welfare, I'm signing up forwelfare.
And that's like their firstthought Like you're not thinking
about no job, you're thinkingabout so now you have a
great-grandmother in the house,because, you know, a
great-grandmother is usuallyabout 60 years old.

Speaker 3 (20:54):
No, she's like 45.

Speaker 1 (20:55):
40, right?
So you got great-grandma, thenyou got grandma, and then you
have your mom.
Everybody's like you.
It's a lot of people you knowabuse it.
They, they stay on, they get onand stay on it.
It's temporary right, it'ssupposed to be temporary,

(21:15):
absolutely right.
I respect the people that geton in and get right back off
just to get on their feet and Ijust think sometimes, um, like
the republicans, kind of believethat if you, if you give it to
them, they're not going to,they're not going to fight for
it.

Speaker 3 (21:29):
That's why I also think that when you look at and
you think Republicans, you oftenthink of black and white and
that's not accurate, right Likeyou look at the number of people
that aren't minorities like,who are Caucasian, that are on
welfare, right Like.
You know the white Jewishpeople right In Monmouth County

(21:50):
and stuff like that.
You know they were taking andabusing the welfare system like,
and they got, you know, triedand in court and they were
prosecuted for that.
You, you people, automaticallythink when you think Republican,
you think white and that's.
Or you think welfare, you thinkblack like.
That's not accurate, I thinkmore and that's.
Or you think welfare, you thinkblack like that's not accurate,
I think more.
So it's now a socioeconomicfight of, you know, money versus

(22:14):
like, whether it's like blackor white, right like.
So republicans now can be blacklike because we have the
mindset where.
We're working.
You know we're doing what wehave to do.
We're conservative with ourmoney, we're investing, we're
working.
You know we're doing what wehave to do.
We're conservative with ourmoney, we're investing, we're
doing all of those things thattypically white people would do,

(22:35):
right, so you also have a lotof white people in like the
Midwest.
You know, even like I wassaying here in New Jersey, that
are like welfare recipients.
I think and they just statisticlast year that the majority of
people receiving welfare werenot black.

Speaker 2 (22:46):
Yeah, but that's misleading, right, Because you
have to take a percentage of thepopulation, right?
So if you look at it in rawnumbers, there's so many more
white people than black peoplethat if you ever just measured
number by number, you're goingto always have more white people
, but the percentage of blackpeople versus the percentage of
white people is much, muchhigher.

Speaker 3 (23:05):
Much higher.
It's definitely much higher,and that is surprising in in in
relation to, like, the number ofincreasing black republicans
there are right, because you dohave, and like I think we were
thinking about that too.
Like you know, we all want toconvert right, we all want to be
like, yes, we're votingrepublican, but we're just not
ready and we're definitely notready, you know what I mean.
Like it's like you want to do acertain thing, but your, your

(23:29):
following or your group is notready for you to make that move
yet.
You know, so that you're stuckbetween a rock and a hard place,
right.
Like you know, certain peoplelike you know, glenn, we were
talking before you know like youknow, certain people are more
educated about investing.
They're, you know, making moremoney on their returns and stuff
like that, and that's just adifferent conversation.
Some people don't even knowwhat you know you're talking
about when you're speaking.

(23:50):
Those those things.
Right, so it's you want to.
You almost feel obligated tostill be in this other group,
because that's where themajority of everybody else that
you know and you love and thatyou would be supporting is
identity.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
Identity politics that's what they call it.

Speaker 3 (24:06):
So it's very, very, very, very difficult for us to
try to identify as a blackRepublican in this current state
of affairs.

Speaker 2 (24:15):
But I'm going to address the elephant in the room
right and I'm not a Republican,so I'm going to be really clear
about that yeah right, buttheir principle right is
something that our community, Ithink, has not embraced.
And that is the elephant in theroom.
Is the black father right?

(24:35):
So the black father has, youknow and I'll say black, but
person of color father hasgenerally abandoned their
families and their children atsuch a high rate till it forces
those families into assistanceand needing, you know needing
help.
And what we've got to do andwhat Republicans really do stand
for is the family structure andthat part.
You know I'm not sayingDemocrats don't stand for that,

(24:56):
but Republicans.
It's a very, it's a sacredprinciple in that area and I
think we've got to do a lotbetter at that in our community
and that's one of the principleswe need to embrace, because
it's it's it's so lacking in our, in our families, and you could
see it, you know that father'smissing, you could see where

(25:17):
that the family, you know, kindof goes into.
You know, generally speaking,they, you know, end up on
assistance or needing help insome sort of way in order to get
by.

Speaker 3 (25:26):
That's because you don't have that, that element,
right, please?

Speaker 1 (25:30):
absolutely so.
So so when you say that, um, Iguess that, I guess what they
call it the nuclear familynuclear nuclear family, explain.
So explain that a little bitmore about the father.
What do you like?
What do you?

Speaker 2 (25:41):
yeah.
So I mean for the most part, ifyou look at our community and
what's happening is, you know wehave a lot of young men that
are creating children thataren't really supporting them
thoroughly.
Not supporting them, meaning,in my opinion, you should make
sure that child gets everythingthey need through their
education period and if thatdoesn't happen, what you're

(26:02):
doing is you're creating this,you're a part of creating this
cycle of of, you know, familyand especially children, that
that lack right and the onething we we realize these days
you can't lack as a child.
You have to have a solideducation.
You have to be able to stand upon your own two feet by the
time you get to your 20s and 30s, where you can really establish
the same thing a family andreally get get that moving.

(26:24):
Once that cycle is broken inany any sense of the word, then
you're about to have thatparticular wing just start to
spiral out of control, andthat's happening so frequently
in our community so what do you?

Speaker 1 (26:35):
what do you think is the problem?
Why do you think there's somany absent fathers in um in the
household?
Are you serious?
Yeah, I mean I'm kind ofserious go well know, you have
like.

Speaker 3 (26:47):
If you look, it's like, what's the ratio now?
One to four.
Like, for every one black manthere's four women.

Speaker 2 (26:54):
Oh, it's probably higher than that.

Speaker 3 (26:56):
Maybe Right.
So it's like you know you haveincarceration, death, you know
just the rate of, you know,children being born that are
more women like you know what Imean Drugs, all of those things
attribute that's affecting thatcommunity at a more frequent
rate than anybody else.
Right, like we're, you know,and it's for Latinos, you know,

(27:19):
latinos and Hispanics as wellLike it's, those communities are
the ones that are being, like,the most affected by those
particular issues.

Speaker 2 (27:28):
Right, people of color, yep, people of color.
And if you look at, if you lookat it where you know, a lot of
times we criticize the femaleswho are coming down for welfare.
They're coming for some kind ofassistance and what we're not
looking at is the, the fatherwho's also created those
children equally.
So we're not, you know, we'renot, you know, putting just as

(27:49):
much onus on those fathers as weare, those mothers, and we look
down on the mothers becausehere they are in this cycle of
poverty, and the dads are outthere In some cases they're not
because they're eitherincarcerated or dead or in drugs
or whatever, and that cyclereally has to be broken.

Speaker 3 (28:03):
But you know like what's things is.
I was having a conversationwith somebody and they were like
we were talking about a friendof ours and they're like very
successful, like, um, black male, and they're like approaching
like maybe 35 years old and um,I was like you know, you know,
as a woman, I'm like, you know,to really settle down, like you
know, find a nice girl and, youknow, have a family, all that.
And my friend was like whywould they do that?

(28:25):
Like right, like so this is aman, a black man at that, good
looking guy, phenomenal careerbenefits, pension, 401k,
whatever.
He's got his choice that hecould have five girls at one
time.
Why in the world would hesettle down and pick one?

Speaker 2 (28:42):
yeah, yeah, I mean.

Speaker 3 (28:44):
I mean, you don't know me and so and I'm just like
, well, you know, because youhave like a baby, you know, I'm
all like jumping shit, like.
And then the guy's like yo,like this is not, this is not
happening, like he is not goingto settle down, he's going to

(29:12):
continue to like, do whatever.
And it's because and the personpointed out it's because of
this disparity, he has thatoption.
Right, because there's one ofhim and there's at least five
other people trying to get, ohyeah, to be, you know, with him
because of the lack thereof.
but I was just like man becausethat had me sit back and think
I'm like, damn, you're right,like that's crazy, like the,

(29:32):
just the so what do you think is?

Speaker 1 (29:34):
do you think some of the problem is, is the women
itself, this that's actuallyhaving these babies with these
guys?

Speaker 4 (29:39):
yes, indeed, yeah, partly I, I believe so Right, no
because there's plenty of womenthat sit here and rely on the
man, and they shouldn't berelying on the man?

Speaker 1 (29:55):
What about the women that don't want to let the guy
be a father?
That?

Speaker 4 (29:59):
too.
Plenty of that.
There's plenty of that also.

Speaker 1 (30:02):
I'm going to play something for you guys.
I want you guys to hear this.
It made me think of it.
Listen to this.
This is crazy.

Speaker 2 (30:11):
I'm trying to get it.
I'm having some malfunctionproblems on the rise.

Speaker 1 (30:14):
Not going.
Let's see if I can get itworking, but I've seen this on
YouTube today.
Here we go.
Chris speak on it.

Speaker 6 (30:23):
Listen, we're going to preface this message already
because a lot of you are goingto want to come on here and
become bad of.
Yes, we know that there aresingle mothers in the world who
bear the weight of the world ontheir shoulders because of a
deadbeat father.
We get that.
What I'm about to say is to amarginalized group of people.
If this don't apply, let it fly.

(30:45):
You don't have to comment onhere and tell me that it goes
both ways.
That's a given.
Again, this message is to avery select group of people who
need to hear it.
All right, some kids out hereare fatherless because their
mothers want to prove a point,and it's terrible.
It's great.
Some women are complete demonsto men and then want to call
them a deadbeat.

(31:05):
You got some men out here whogenuinely love their children
and they want to be around theirchildren.
They want to be there in theirlives, supporting them whichever
way that they can.
But women some women want thatway.
If I can't have my way, I willmake your life a living hell,
and that's on everything.
This is the mentality of somewomen and we gonna expose it.

(31:28):
This is a queen, the queen talk.
Picture yourself in a women'sconvention.
Okay, we talking about thisbecause this is going to
strengthen us from within.
You cannot go out here and tryto control a man if it did not
work out between you guys.
If he's choosing not to marryyou, okay, because technically,
before you laid down, youprobably should have secured the

(31:48):
ring.
But since things happen and ifit didn't go as planned, it's
okay.
Now a child is in the picture.
So that means what?
We can't always have our wayand our wants to come to
fruition when you got a child.
Listen, a child needs a motherto stand in the gap and be
mature, to put their needsbefore hers.

(32:09):
Some women will allow a childto face hell in their life, be
apart from their father, becausethey want their way.
Oh, if you ain't gonna marry me, honey, if I ain't gonna get no
ring, I can rest assured youwon't see your child another day
in his life or her life.
It's terrible and it createsgrave effects for the child

(32:30):
later on.
But you're not thinking aboutthat child, it's all about you.
It's your world, big girl,ain't it?
That's terrible.
You're selfish.
This is a self-check moment.
You can't do that.
Some women on top of that.
Oh, you know that he got planswith somebody new, that he, with
you, want to control a man andtreat him like a child by using

(32:51):
his child against him.
Well, I know, I said 6 o'clock.
I'm at the mom's to get my hairdone.
It'll be 730.
Oh well, I ain't going to bearound there.
I'm dropping him to my mom.
If you want to go get him, youcould go get him from my mom's
house.
It is my mama.

(33:12):
If you want to go get him, youcould go get him from his mom,
from my mama house.
It is what it is.
Yeah, you can't be nasty likethat and then get on social
media, do whatever and talk illabout somebody and better, yeah,
you got an even more gravething that a lot of women want
to do.
Oh, you don't want to give meno ring.
You don't want to do what?
A baby ain't yours, he ain'tyours, it is what it is.
So what?
Okay, what?
That's petty, that's petty.
I'm going to tell you straightup and down, because some people

(33:35):
going to encourage you in thatfoolishness.
Okay, if he wanted to be withyou, he just should have.
Well, if he feel like that, allof y'all bitter and negative
together, that's terrible.
You don't brought innocentpeople in your situation to
carry out this manipulation.
It's wrong.

Speaker 1 (33:53):
So you see, so that was, that was my point to how
you know, some certain women arenot with the baby daddy, so now
she makes, she makes it knownthat he's a.
He's a Debbie.
But the guy truly wants to bewith his kid, but you know how
the women like if you don.
But the guy truly wants to bewith his kid, but you know how
the women are like if you don'twant me, you don't want my kid.

Speaker 5 (34:12):
I feel like the problem is that you have a lot
of young people having kids outhere and that mentality is super
immature and super young, butalso it shows the lack of
emotional intelligence thatsomebody has.
Children are not pawns.
They don't come into the worldas pawns, and I think that if

(34:33):
you're engaging with somebody ona sexual level, a relationship
level, whatever you choose thatrelationship to be, you know
there should be a discussion ofwhat happens, what does happen,
because if you deal withsomebody on that level, children
are a consequence of that, youknow, at times.

Speaker 3 (34:52):
And so a discussion needs to occur and it needs to
be a mature, intelligentdiscussion, emotional, like
non-emotional, completelyrational conversation, and then
both people need to abide thatwould be in theory, that's great
, like right, but you have, justlike we were saying, like the

(35:13):
generational situation with,like, grandmothers who are 45
years old, um, who aren't eventalking to their kids about
anything right, and let alonelike having sex or how to
protect yourself or healthyconversations in general.
So you know, you can't expectfor them to have that same
conversation about you know,okay, so if we, you know, that's

(35:37):
a conversation I would havewith someone who I was laying
with, right, like you know whatI mean.
Like in my mind, I'm not goingto lay with someone who I know
is not going to be around to bea father for my kids.
You know what I'm saying.
Like so, but that's, but that'sbecause of the way I was raised
, right, like that's.
Also, you know, because of thepeople who support me and who I

(35:58):
have had to educate me aboutcertain things.

Speaker 1 (36:01):
Right, those people who are victims of the system
don't have that but you thinkthis female at 21 is thinking
you know, I'm not gonna say yourage, but a woman of your age
you think they're thinking.
You think they're thinking thesame thing because I think it's
sometimes because yes, I do I dofor some people.

Speaker 5 (36:18):
Yes, I just I happen to know somebody personally
who's going through a situationlike this and this person has
complete support in their lifeand people that are telling them
you need to be rational.
You can't make a man be afather.
You can't pawn your kids off onhim.
If a man tells you from thebeginning, I don't want this kid
, that kind of gives you anindication of what his

(36:41):
involvement is going to be rightand 90 right and so then when
he decides, or if he matures andthen decides all right, I
messed up.
I I need to be a father to thiskid.
You can't decide then it'sgoing to be on your terms, you
understand, because it's notfair to the children at the end

(37:02):
it's not fair to the kids at theend of the day.

Speaker 2 (37:04):
I agree with that.
But here's the thing, and thishas got to be a part two, and
maybe three and four.
So to me, a man in a communityright, not just the individual
relationships that we know aboutbut a man has to stand up and
be a man.
And that means if your seed isout there and I know guys that

(37:25):
have three, four, five kids anddon't deal with them at all,
don't, don't support them, andto me that is where the real
fabric breaks down.
Yes, women do a lot of thingsand I agree with this.
This is doing a lot of things,but to me that's the minority of
what happens.
The majority of what happens isthese guys create children,
right, whether they want to bewith a woman or not.

(37:46):
And the first thing youshouldn't create a child if you
don't want to be with a woman.
And I can speak from experienceright, because I made that
mistake when I was very young,but I recovered with my son.
But if you have seeds out there, especially little girls and
young men, they need that malepresence, especially the one
that created them Right, theyneed that male presence
especially the one that createdthem.
Right, they need that and sowhatever you need to do I don't

(38:08):
care if that that sister is ishorrible, like, whatever you
need to do you need to find away to build a bond with that
child and support that child sowe can turn this.
That's part of what we need todo to turn our communities
around and that's why I say itcan't be see it can't be on a
woman's terms, it has to be ifanything it can be on a child's

(38:28):
term if they're not willing tobuild a relationship but it
can't be on a woman's term andthe other thing that I was going
to say is, unfortunately, forwomen.

Speaker 5 (38:37):
We don't, we don't have that option to say I don't
want to be involved with the kid, it comes out of us.

Speaker 2 (38:43):
It is, it is attached to our body.
You have no choice.

Speaker 5 (38:45):
So we, we don't have that option.
So you know a lot of thefeelings that that women are
acting like this for is becauseof that because they feel
resentment, because the man canmake the kid and the man can
walk away walk away and they are.
They have to be attached tothis child.

Speaker 3 (39:03):
They have no choice well, you know, like I've, you
know, personally been in asituation with, you know, my
daughter's father, like myex-husband, where you know he
decided he no longer wanted tobe in a relationship and he, you
know, we, we separated right,like, and we had this, this baby
, right this one-year, and youknow when she was coming to be

(39:27):
two.
Like, you know, when they startto realize like what's
happening and like what you'resaying and like behaviors and
certain things like that, likehe was the one who decided that
he didn't want to be with me buthe would call me and then try
to talk to me like all kinds ofways, or like he would try to
act different ways in front ofher, and I think at that point
it is sometimes in the bestinterest for that parent to

(39:49):
decide at that time what's goingto happen.
Right, because it's not likeI'm keeping you from your child,
but your behavior is such as Ihave to make a decision for this
child who isn't able to maketheir own.
You know, eventually, you knowyou have to have the
conversation.
Like, hey, listen, the way thatyou're talking to me is not
okay, right, like, I don't feellike my child's unsafe with you,

(40:11):
but we have to communicate inorder for you to even be able to
like see this kid Right, likeso something has to happen.
And eventually it got betterfor me.
You know I can't say that foreverybody, but for me me it
definitely did get better, but Ifelt myself in a position where
I never wanted to be thatperson who my daughter could
ever say that I kept her fromher father right.

(40:33):
However, on the alternate, likehe was at one particular time
very like loose with what he wassaying and I'm like how, the
fuck, you know, you were the onewho, like left you know what
I'm saying, like how are youtaking this out on me?
So I almost it was like aprotective like thing, right,
because I was like okay, I don'twant her to see this type of

(40:53):
behavior or see, or for her tosee someone talking to her
mother, especially her father,like this, to have her
internalize that and then, likeyou know, in turn like act out.
So I think what you know, whatyou're saying, I totally agree
with you, know your point, Ithink.
But there's also a particular,like you know, a situation in
which sometimes parents, likemothers in particular, have to
use their judgment in thecommunication that their fathers

(41:16):
have with their kids because ofthose type of situations I
think those.

Speaker 5 (41:21):
That's a different kind of situation right, you
know when, when you talk aboutsomeone's behavior, whether it
be erratic or emotionally ormentally abusive, or verbally
abusive, or you know, justsomething that's going to put
your child, your female child,to see how you're.
We see that often because ofthe way that they act.
You know what I'm saying, sothat's.

Speaker 3 (41:41):
It's like damn, you know, know, and I took a lot of
verbal like abuse, and I'm notsaying that, you know, but for
me I just felt like I took a lotand my daughter will never know
that her dad acted this way.
She thinks he walks on water.
You know what I'm sayingbecause I'm like you know what
and if, if this is what she hasto see later on in her life,

(42:03):
she'll see it on her own and itwon't be for me, um, again, from
the way I, you know, I feltlike the support system I had in
the way I was raised, but I, Iyou know it was a very difficult
.
it was difficult for me because,like it's, it's that line right
, like you know, okay, so like,how are you going to like you
this?
And then like, how are yougonna treat her?

(42:24):
Like in turn?
You know, so it's it's, youknow it's tough, but I do think
it's more often than not rightlike that.
You have that situation becausewhen people break up, they're
not happy, right like they'revery upset and they're very,
like, resentful and at thatpoint it should always be what's
best for the child and it'snever that.

Speaker 2 (42:40):
It's, it's never that , and that's my point in saying
that is that if everybody justthought you know what's best for
my seed, what's what's bestright if I have to take it on
the chin a couple of times.
If she says something wrong tome, if you know she's whatever,
I don't have to be with her perse, but I need to take care of
that you gotta have a strongpersonality for that.

Speaker 3 (42:58):
Let me tell you something, because I rode
through that and I'm telling youI'm a strong person, but that
shit can break you.
You know what I mean?
I get it.
I totally get it.

Speaker 5 (43:06):
The other thing in that situation that I think is
really skewed is that as oneparent, when you separate, you
have to realize that you have nocontrol over what is happening
in the other parent's home.
True.

Speaker 2 (43:19):
That is true.

Speaker 5 (43:20):
You have no control.
You have to trust that thatparent.
You have no control.

Speaker 3 (43:26):
You have to trust that that parent Listen when my
daughter talks.
She be like Mommy, I had TacoBell for breakfast and I had
pepperoni for lunch and I'm likeI got it and you know, but it's
like OK, but you know, and I'mfreaking out, but she ate and
she came back.
She was straight.
I mean, you know, you have tolet it go Like right, like
that's not how you would do inyour house.
This is what we do in our househere, but when you go there, I
mean, and I can't say that's farfrom what's happening to her

(43:48):
now.
You know what I mean.
However, you know that she'ssafe and the other person has
the best interest out for thatand a lot of this dynamic that
is.

Speaker 5 (43:57):
That is so difficult and leaving children fatherless
is the control issue yeahbecause a lot of women want to
control what's happening intheir baby daddy's houses and
the baby daddies want to controlwhat's happening at their house
and so they just keep theirdistance from each other, that's
so sad, it's sad so.

Speaker 1 (44:14):
So back to what you were saying.

Speaker 3 (44:15):
We went like long-winded about that, so it's
so.
You should have been a symbol.

Speaker 5 (44:20):
No, no, I like this no, it's good, it's good so I
mean so.

Speaker 1 (44:23):
So now we see, like, how these homes are is being
like altered with the you know,the missing fathers and stuff
like unfortunately.
I mean fortunately I, I grew upwith my father, so you know,
I'm not.
I don't like when I look atother people like I don't really
understand, because I had atwo-parent household so a man
too, like it's a, you know it's.

Speaker 3 (44:41):
Sometimes it's different.
You see a lot of women and youcan tell like that they don't
have dads.

Speaker 2 (44:47):
Yep, yep, it's very, very noticeable.

Speaker 1 (44:50):
Wait, you talking about from the women?
You said the women didn't havedads.

Speaker 2 (44:54):
Yeah, women can tell when a man didn't have a male in
the household, a father figurein the household.
They can generally tell.
I've heard that before.

Speaker 1 (45:01):
Really you could.

Speaker 3 (45:08):
So can generally tell .

Speaker 5 (45:09):
I've heard that before really you could.
So so do I seem like a guy thathad a male that grew up in the

Speaker 3 (45:14):
household, I don't want to answer that.
Yes, but you could also tellwhen women don't have men in the
house.
Right, it's a absolutelycorrect.

Speaker 2 (45:21):
You know, I don't know.
I never thought about it.

Speaker 3 (45:22):
So that's my, that's my, you know.
Let me tell you what my husbandtold me, right, and I was
shouting him out.
So before we started datinghe'd be like what he was like.
Oh my God, I knew your fuckingdad spoiled you when you were
little.
And I was like what do you mean,right?
So he was like yo.
They'd be like oh my god, thisis like the greatest fucking

(45:43):
thing ever.
And then I'd be like what thefuck do you mean?
We're going to Olive Garden.
Let's go to the try house, youknow, because that's my
restaurant.
He was like but you can tellthe women who?
Because they just have very lowstandards.

Speaker 1 (45:59):
Listen back in high school.
Olive Garden was the shit.

Speaker 3 (46:01):
Okay, but that's in high school how old are you?

Speaker 4 (46:03):
Olive Garden is still the shit right.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
It's good for lunch.
I'm planning, but if you'recoming to, impress me, then
you're not taking

Speaker 1 (46:12):
me to Olive Garden.

Speaker 2 (46:12):
Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 (46:14):
I call that a date what are you talking about?

Speaker 4 (46:17):
so what I'm talking to is like where are we going?
On our first date I was likeWendy's and he was like what he
said let me stop playing.
He said, let me get a biggiebag.
I said, see, that's what I'mtalking about right now.
And we grew up with our fathersin our house.

Speaker 3 (46:33):
Let's be clear I love our garden but I'm saying as
far as like what?
Like you know that's what theythought was like, like the
absolute best, like the time.
We all know that our garden isis great, but you know that's
what they thought was like theabsolute best.
Like the top, we all know thatOlive Garden is great.
But you know different.
Like you know you go toMontclair.
You find a nice Italianrestaurant that's authentic food
.
Like that's different.

(46:54):
It's like the levels of things.
You think that has something todo with just because your father
grew up in the house, though no, I think that, like when you
are exposed to more from a maleearly on and they teach you what
to expect when you grow up howsomeone should treat you you see
the way they treat your mother.

Speaker 1 (47:08):
So if I take, so just because I take you to a more
expensive restaurant, that meansI'm no, I think it's like if
you try to play me standard andtake me to mcdonald's, I'm gonna
.

Speaker 3 (47:19):
It gives you a standard.

Speaker 5 (47:19):
Yeah, I mean if you're dating somebody and at
some point you like, I don'thave to go to the chart house
first date.
However, for me, if you take meout on a first date, this is my
rule and I always test the guysI pull out my wallet.
You want to pay half and if heallows me to pay, anything now,
that's different then, um, thenthat's it.

Speaker 1 (47:41):
We're not so you're talking about two different
things, but my expectation isthat he's going to like.

Speaker 5 (47:45):
You know that he's gonna do that and take that
responsibility.

Speaker 1 (47:48):
So I was taught that.
I was taught that you pay foreverything you do.

Speaker 2 (47:51):
You know you hold, the door you hold the door for a
woman.

Speaker 1 (47:54):
You let the women get on the elevator first and then
get off the elevator you do dothat all the time because I was
taught that but, what I'm saying.
That's totally different.

Speaker 5 (48:04):
Come on but I think, I think.
But what she's saying is ishaving a father and a male
figure gives you a standardright.
You understand what I mean okay,like and, and so my standard is
that I I want to be, I don'thave to be taken care of, but I
want to feel like I'm not alwayshaving to take care of
everything, or that you know.

(48:24):
I want to feel that you can notalways having to take care of
everything, or that you know.
I want to feel that you canprovide Right.
We talk a lot aboutexpectations.

Speaker 3 (48:29):
Right.
So it's like you know.
You see, like in my house IRight.
So you see the way that yourfather he did, he you know he
went to work, he paid bills,like you know you know different
things he did, like for my mom.
So I see that and I'm like likeI kind of think that's how
things are supposed to go rightif you have, if you're somebody
who you don't have, your dad,and then you see your mom

(48:49):
hustling all the time or you seeyour mom on welfare, you think
that's how things are supposedto go absolutely right so that's
how you're going to enter andlive your life and that's why we
have that generational thing.
So you see the different waysthat women think, right.
So you see, you see me like.
I have my dad, so I knowcertain things that my dad did,
like and it's not to the extreme, of which you know, obviously,
you know.
You know my husband is extralike in which he does, but it's

(49:12):
a certain standard.
Like you know, there's certainthings that are supposed to
happen, right, and when youdon't have a dad in the house,
that doesn't happen.
You also don't know thatelement of protection, right,
you don't know the rules.
Like you know, you see a lot ofwomen who don't have dads in
their homes and they're verypromiscuous, right, you know.
They don't have that one inthere to say, hey, baby girl,
look.

Speaker 1 (49:31):
You're doing too much .

Speaker 2 (49:32):
You're doing the most .
Here's what a dad should forevery household.
He should give protection Right.
He should provide support.
Here's the most beautifulcommercial is that commercial
where the young lady is going onher first date and the guy
rings the doorbell and the dadopens the door.
Right this little teenage girlgoing on her little first date.

(49:53):
The dad opens the door and he'slike this statuesque figure
standing there.
You know, you're about to takemy baby girl out, you're going
to talk to me first and we'regoing to talk about the ground
rules and it's just a verypolite conversation, but he's
letting that young man knowyou're going to treat my baby
girl with the utmost respect,respect, right or you're gonna
have to deal with me.

(50:13):
Can you imagine if our youngsisters had that kind of
presence in their life?
Right that's just amazing andthat's the.
That's the change we can affectin our communities.
It's just half the fathers,just just really stand up or
even that support.

Speaker 3 (50:25):
Like you know, even if your baby girl doesn't have
like that whole like coming tothe door type situation, at
least you know she can come toyou behind closed doors and be
like dad, this is what's goingon.
Or like this is what'shappening, like you know how
should I deal with it, or likeyou know that it's coming.
You can give advice.
Just your presence there makesa difference.
Right, you could always tellthe people who just don't have

(50:46):
their dads.

Speaker 1 (50:47):
So what did your father teach you?
No, no, I'm not.
I'm trying.
I'm serious.
What did you feel like?
What do you feel you learnedfrom your father?
Like?

Speaker 3 (50:55):
I just felt, like you know, you have a person there
who is the head of the house,who is a provider who you go to
for advice, like, although themom ran the house, essentially
the dad was always there as that, that statue, like he was still
the, the, the main one, what doyou call like the right, all

(51:17):
that right.
So he was also like the lenientone.
You know, if our mom was like,ah no, you're not doing that,
he'd be like, all right, come on.
You know there was a balance.
You know what I mean.
But most importantly, he wasthere like if I had a question
about something.
Um, you know that I didn't feelcomfortable with my mom going to
.
It was.
You know I could go to him,like if I had a you know my more

(51:38):
.
So he was there for my brother.
You know what I'm saying.
Like my brother had him there.
Like you know, they may nothave seen eye to eye, but at
least he had that support there.
You know, to have that kind ofstructure, you know to kind of
push him forward, you know, butfor me he taught me not to
settle Right.
Like you know he was.
Like you are going to be in asituation where people want to

(52:01):
be you, he's like, and peopleare going to chase you and want
to have you.
Do not settle, and I never knewwhat that meant.
He's like you're valuable.
He's like you're amazing.
He's like and you are worthmore.
You know, he just bigged me upall the time.
And I that's how I am.

(52:21):
I feel that way, like, and Ioften you know it was so funny
because you know, my, my husband, my dad was was having a
conversation.
I was listening to them.
My dad was like you spoil hertoo much.
And and my husband was likewhat the fuck are you talking
about?
Like you started this shit likeyears ago.
Like I'm just like trying tofill whatever shoes you've

(52:41):
already built, but it's justmean and you know, it's just the
way that.
You know he just kind of biggedme up and it was like you're
just the most, you're justamazing and you're just like
he's like you know, anyone whohas you is going to be lucky.
I didn't know what he wassaying at the time because
obviously you know you'reyounger, but once you continue
to say those things repeatedly,you start to believe them, right

(53:01):
?

Speaker 2 (53:01):
the characteristic of self-esteem can never be
underestimated in a man or awoman yes when it's in a woman.
She has high self-esteem, yes,and she's secure.
She's unstoppable.

Speaker 3 (53:12):
Listen, I'm not the best looking person I'm not the
smartest and all that, but youcouldn't, you can't tell me
nothing.
You know I'm saying because andthat's what was instilled in me
, like just people keptrepeating it.
That's the way it's supposed tobe.

Speaker 1 (53:24):
You know what I'm saying, because and that's what
was instilled in me, Like justpeople kept repeating it.
That's the way it's supposed tobe.
You know what I mean, Jay.
What do you feel?
Your father or two, Um?

Speaker 3 (53:30):
I think my dad taught me more like um don't more
independence more you don't everwant to have to rely on a man
for anything, so get it on youryour own, and when the right man
comes along, he's just gonnaadd to.
That is more so what my dadtaught me, that was my mom that
was my mom.

Speaker 2 (53:50):
Yeah, and I think um you know, that's, that's me,
that's my life.
I bought my house at 26, I gota car, I got a job.
You know, I did all of that,and so it's funny.

Speaker 5 (54:00):
When I bought my house, my dad said, well, you
probably not gonna really find aguy oh, and I was like well,
why would you say that?

Speaker 4 (54:06):
He said because it's intimidating for a lot of men
these days yeah.

Speaker 5 (54:09):
He said you don't need anything, you have
everything.

Speaker 3 (54:13):
And he says you know, that's the best feeling girl.

Speaker 5 (54:15):
Right, but men need to feel needed, and so if I come
to the table, oh my gosh,anything right and it is.
It has been difficult and it's,but they have instilled that in
me at the same time.
So I wish, I have to say I wishmy parents gave me a little bit
of that um, a little softening.

(54:37):
I don't want to say that I'mlike miss independent, like I
don't need you.
I'm not, that's not mypersonality, but I think that
sometimes like a little bit ofvulnerability.
It's okay to sometimes bevulnerable and I think that that
it has is very difficult for me.

Speaker 3 (54:51):
I don't I don't like it could also be the way they
were brought up too right, likethey are instilling in you what
they don't want to happen to youthat maybe have happened to
them right, yeah, I don't, Idon't like, I don't like being
vulnerable and I don't likefeeling like I need anybody for
anything.

Speaker 1 (55:05):
I got it.
That's how I feel.
What about you, Mac?
Did you learn anything?

Speaker 2 (55:11):
Well, you know, my dad was there, but he was you
know my dad had other problems.
So you know, I had to learn onmy own.
I literally had to learn a loton my own, and it took me a lot
longer than I should have, right, but as a result, what I've
tried to do is learn from what Isaw in some of my friends'
mothers' characteristics.
I used to keep and stay with mybest friend that lived next door

(55:33):
to me.
I used to stay in his housebecause his dad would be there
and he'd have dinner with themand it was just like, wow, this
is how it's supposed to feel.

Speaker 3 (55:39):
And me and my brothers.

Speaker 2 (55:40):
we didn't have that the whole time growing up,
brothers, we didn't have that,you know the whole time growing
up, but my dad, was a good man.
He just had other problems,right, couldn't get it all
together.
So my, my knowledge wasaccumulated over time.
But once the light went off I'mlike, oh yeah, this is the way
it should be done, this is whatI should be doing, this is the
way I should execute a household, and you know that's worth its

(56:00):
weight in gold when a person hasknowledge, especially a man has
knowledge of what his impact ison his his family, his
community and what's around him.
It's absolutely amazing.

Speaker 1 (56:12):
So what about to fly?
What about?
What do you think, dad?

Speaker 4 (56:14):
Yeah, I was too young .

Speaker 1 (56:18):
You didn't say I mean you was 16 when you passed no
14.

Speaker 4 (56:22):
I was you were older, 16, when you passed no 14, 14 I
was, you were older.
So I think you probably, Ithink you still, but even still,
I think you still got morelessons and I probably, I
probably would have startedgetting it probably right, right
, 15, 16, but do you think?

Speaker 3 (56:37):
that his presence, just being there like for you,
made a difference.

Speaker 4 (56:41):
Oh yeah I mean, I look at people I've grown up
with and same thing.
I look at them who didn't havethat father and I'm like it's
like foreign to me.
I'm like right what are youtalking about?

Speaker 1 (56:51):
you're right, because he did.
I started getting my lessonsaround.
I think it was about 14.
I started getting my lessons.
He wasn't like.
He wasn't like one of herfather, like I'm gonna sit you
down and I'm gonna have aconversation with you and we're
gonna talk, talk about stuff.
He wasn't like that he doeslike indirect lessons, like, for
instance, like the first weekwe moved to Linden I got jumped
and I remember getting my assbeat by two guys and I'm just

(57:14):
thinking to myself and it justhappened.
I think I hit the ground and Ihappened to look back and he was
in the window just watching.
No, seriously, this is a truestory.

Speaker 3 (57:22):
No, that's what black parents do, because my mom used
to do that shit All the timetoo.

Speaker 1 (57:25):
He was just sitting there watching and I kept
thinking to myself Is my fatherscared of these guys, or he's
just gonna sit there Until theykill me?
So they beat me, beat me, thenthey walk away.
Then he said listen.
He said now you, this is whathe said, seriously.
He said you learned the lesson.
He said next time, don't lethim get that close.
You beat the shit out of him.
And he I was just like huhthat's right.

Speaker 2 (57:44):
So that's just right.

Speaker 1 (57:46):
So let me tell my kids, so he like he does this
like indirect, uh lessons, likehe never actually has a talk
with you.
He lets you, he put, he set youup to fail because you could
learn from your mistakes.
He does it.
He did to me all like allthrough, all through life.
He just set me up and like,okay, now you know, and I
learned from it.
Like you never do it again andthat just that was his way.
Do you think it?

Speaker 3 (58:05):
helped Like.
Did you make those?

Speaker 1 (58:06):
mistakes again.
No, after I learned from mymistakes I never made them again
.
So he taught me without sayingit.
He was more like I'm going toshow you and he never let us get
hurt, but he's like I'm goingto show you.
Like was a.
If I could tell you some of thestories of the things we used

(58:28):
to do.
I used to put my brother and mysisters in a box and push them
down the stairs.

Speaker 3 (58:31):
He's right here, don't they make videos of that
now?

Speaker 1 (58:34):
We used to do some weird stuff.

Speaker 3 (58:36):
Short stuff like that .
It was like 12.
And you let him do that to you.

Speaker 1 (58:40):
He's like it's like lesson stuff.
Like I think I shot him.
I shot him with a BB beforeShot me in the leg with a BB gun
.

Speaker 4 (58:49):
I was crying.
He punched me in the nose.

Speaker 1 (58:51):
Oh my God, I was bleeding.
No I don't, I wasn't mean.
You think I was.
I wasn't being mean.
I don't think we was mean, hewasn't being mean, he was being
a big brother, I think we wasdoing stuff that's big brother
shit.

Speaker 5 (59:08):
Yeah, just do shit.
As an older sibling, you dohave to, like, torture them a
little bit.
I don't think I was tortured.

Speaker 1 (59:14):
You just do shit and it just happens you be like oh
shit right, I didn't?
You know, I ain't nobody wantto mess with tanya and she's,
and she's loving too.
So you know you can't, youcan't mess with her.

Speaker 4 (59:33):
But I mean, we still used to mess with her, but not
to the extent.
Yeah, I ain't gonna punch herin the nose and stuff like that
so I'm and so you know.

Speaker 1 (59:43):
So I guess the the story is that you know we need
the fathers in, in, in place.
I mean I just I just feel likethe so many homes that's broken
because the father's not there.
Believe it or not, we fathersare strong.
If you you look at a lot ofthese household, these single
families, the father is strong.
Whether you guys want tobelieve it or not, missing

(01:00:03):
fathers is a thing like Ibelieve that you know the women.
They protect the women.
They teach a teacher, like yousaid.
They teach the woman how to um,value herself, um, I'm sure the
mom could teach you that, butit's just a little different,
it's a little different, it's alittle different when it's
coming from a little different,it's a little different coming
from a man, because it's kind oflike, like I don't know.
I look, I look at my teenagedaughters and when my wife is

(01:00:25):
telling them stuff, it's kind oflike, yeah, you're our mom,
you're telling us that.
But when they hear from me,it's kind of like, oh, it's fact
.
Maybe it is fact because he'ssaying it too and he's not a
female and he's saying it, youknow.

Speaker 3 (01:00:37):
I also like sort of listening to the stuff that my
mom was teaching me when I hadmy own kids, right.

Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
Like.
That's when you're like, oh,like you know right.

Speaker 3 (01:00:46):
So your daughters will probably look back and be
like okay, mommy's right.
Like you know what I mean.
Like older in life I think dadis more so like when you're as a
child and your teen years andstuff like that.
But then when you get maybeit's like real life lessons no
offense, but like when you getto have to do real life things
and deal with like those majorthings.
That's when your mom starts tocome in and and weigh in a

(01:01:09):
little bit more I think that, asa child, to a little girl, your
father had.
You don't everything at all.

Speaker 5 (01:01:16):
They walk on water, you'll see flaws in your mom,
because you guys will butt headsyou'll argue mom is always
telling you something likeyou'll see all the flaws, but as
a little girl to your father,your father is everything and
and there's like nothing tocompare to that.
And as you get older you seeall of your father's flaws and

(01:01:36):
you're like, oh my gosh yeah,and you'll be like I told you, I
told you, I told you, did Itell?
You his nasty ass underwear.

Speaker 1 (01:01:44):
His nasty ass underwear.
I told you his underwear was aB.

Speaker 3 (01:01:48):
I see it.
But you had to realize on yourown right All trifles.

Speaker 1 (01:01:55):
Remember your father used to tell you his underwear
was brown.

Speaker 4 (01:01:57):
I told you it was dirty.

Speaker 5 (01:02:00):
I told you he was nasty.
He told you he was nasty.

Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
It's back to the principles.
We went off a little bit and Ireally hope we do a part two on
this, but the principle of youknow and it's not Republicans,
democrats no one has a lock onmorality right, so it's not
about that, but when you reallyespouse it as a part of what it
means to be something.
that's what we need and we needto make a drastic change somehow

(01:02:26):
in our community, whether it'sthe mother or the father,
whoever.
But think of that child andthink of how we progress, that
community, our community goingforward.

Speaker 1 (01:02:35):
Yeah, I guess we end on that then.
Outro Music