December 31, 2024 • 32 mins
In this episode, I dive into the delicate balance of grief and gratitude when caring for a spouse with cancer. Gratitude can feel impossible during such a challenging time, but it’s not about ignoring the pain or pretending everything is okay. Instead, it’s about finding small moments of light to hold onto, even in the darkest days.
We’ll explore why gratitude matters, where to find it in your caregiving journey, and practical ways to cultivate it without diminishing the very real struggles you face. I’ll also share personal stories and insights, including how gratitude helped me through my own experience as a caregiver.
If you’re looking for a way to bring a little hope and balance into your life while navigating the chaos of caregiving, this episode is for you. Listen now to discover how gratitude can coexist with grief and offer you moments of relief and strength.
As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.
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Episode Transcript
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Marika Humphreys (00:00):
Hello everyone .
It is good to be back with youagain.
I am coming off of the holidayfestivities and feeling a bit
tired.
It was lots of fun with lots offamily gatherings and, of
course, lots of family meals.
My youngest niece is five and ahalf and she is just a delight
(00:21):
to have around the holidays andso much energy.
I forget that we have so muchenergy when we're children like
that and it is fun to be around.
But also a little tiring.
And I will say, as I thoughtabout it this morning and
reflected on the last week, I amdefinitely feeling very
grateful.
I have a really open andamazing family.
(00:46):
We have our squabbles, buteverybody gets along despite the
squabbles and my boyfriend'sfamily has been open and warm
and welcoming to me and it wasjust.
I'm just very appreciative ofthat.
So very appropriate, becausetoday we're going to talk about
something that sometimes feelsvery out of reach when our
(01:09):
partner is facing a diagnosis ofcancer or some other very
serious illness, and that isgratitude.
I know gratitude can feel veryhard when you're dealing with
something as big and as heavy ascancer or any serious diagnosis
(01:30):
, because so much about thisjourney is just hard, your
partner may have gone fromfeeling fine one day to get a
life-threatening diagnosis thenext day.
I mean, that's pretty much whathappened for us.
So that kind of shift isoverwhelming and it feels unfair
(01:51):
and it can feel like there's nospace for gratitude in any of
it.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't about ignoring what's hard
, and it's not about pretendingthat things are fine when they
aren't.
Gratitude is about fightingbalance, about noticing the
small moments of light, even inthe midst of what feels like so
(02:14):
much darkness many times.
And so that's what we're goingto talk about today.
And also, I feel like this isvery appropriate because, as
I've said, I live in Washingtonand it is dark now at 430.
The I live in Washington and itis dark now at 4.30.
The sun sets at 4.30 and it'sdark, and I was forcing myself
to go out for a walk at five inthe darkness, which felt weird.
(02:35):
I thought, oh my gosh, I can'timagine living somewhere where
the sun sets even earlier, whichthere are many places that the
sun sets even earlier in thewinter.
So it can be really hard tofind light and motivation in the
darkness, quite literally.
And I'm feeling that as I walkout the door here in this winter
(02:59):
months in the Pacific Northwest.
But I know that it is possibleand I want to talk about that
today what role gratitude canplay in your life and in the
cancer journey.
So I want to actually start,though, by clearing up some
misunderstandings, I think,about gratitude.
First, it is not the same aswhat sometimes people refer to
(03:25):
as toxic positivity.
It is about looking always fora silver lining in every bad
situation and forcing yourselfto stay positive.
For example, I think a goodexample of that is someone might
say, well, at least they caughtthe cancer early.
And you're thinking, yeah,great, but it's still cancer.
Right, that may be true.
Catching it early is generallyfavorable in any disease, but it
(03:52):
doesn't take away how scarythat is and how hard that
diagnosis feels.
So gratitude isn't aboutignoring what's hard and what's
painful, but it is about makingspace for both.
And second, let's talk aboutguilt.
A lot of us feel guilty when wearen't grateful.
(04:13):
We think, you know, I shouldjust be thankful that I still
have my partner, or I should bethankful that it isn't worse,
but we're actually feeling sador angry or scared, and so we
get caught in this loop ofjudging ourselves for feeling
(04:33):
bad and not being grateful forwhat we actually do have.
The guilt comes from notletting ourselves feel those
hard emotions, feeling likethey're not okay to acknowledge.
But when we skip over thosehard emotions and we try to
force gratitude, that doesn'treally work because it ignores
(04:55):
those feelings and we can end upfeeling very stuck.
If your partner's treatmentisn't going as planned and
someone says to you, at leastthey're still fighting, it can
feel like you're supposed tofocus on the fact that they're
still fighting instead of thefrustration and the fear that
you might be feeling.
(05:15):
That you're probably feeling,but those feelings are also real
and they do need space.
So we have to feel the hardemotions first, often in order
to feel, to find what there isto be grateful for.
So it isn't about pretendingthat everything is okay, but it
(05:37):
is about learning to letyourself feel the hard stuff and
still find space and notice thegood moments that do exist.
So it's not one or the other,you can feel both.
So let's talk about whygratitude is important,
especially when you'recaregiving.
(05:58):
The benefits of gratitude haveactually been very well studied
and those studies show that whenyou practice gratitude it can
actually reduce stress andimprove your overall wellbeing.
So research they have found.
They have done research thathas found that people who
regularly express gratitude tendto feel less anxious and less
(06:22):
depressed, which is awesome,which is kind of crazy also to
think about it literally byexpressing our appreciation for
things, which means that you'renoticing what's right or good or
beautiful, you actually canreduce your anxiety and feelings
(06:42):
of depression.
That is pretty awesome.
Some studies have evensuggested that it can improve
your sleep, and that is also oneof the things that many
caregivers struggle with.
I know I did so in a situationthat is as stressful as
caregiving.
Those type of benefits arereally huge.
But gratitude isn't just aboutfeeling better.
(07:04):
But gratitude isn't just aboutfeeling better.
It's also about connection.
When we make an effort to noticewhat we're grateful for, we
start to see the smallmeaningful moments in our day,
and these can be as simple as aword or a small act of kindness
or love, one of the stories thatI've told a few times.
(07:27):
I'm not sure if I've told it onthis podcast I don't think I
have actually but I always thinkof it because it was such a
beautiful moment and was the daybefore my husband passed away.
He was in the hospital andcoming, really going in and out
of consciousness and things werereally incredibly hard.
But in one quiet moment mydaughter had walked in the room
(07:50):
and he looked up at her and saidwhat's up?
Goobs and goobs was thenickname that he used to call
her sort of was a fond nickname,but he just said it in this
very normal way that he'dprobably said it hundreds of
times before and it was the lastthing he ever said to her.
(08:10):
It was a small thing, but inthat moment later, the next day,
actually after he had passedaway, I was just so grateful for
that, such a beautiful, normalmoment between father and
daughter and I'm still gratefulto this day for that just
(08:31):
exchange of beautiful exchangeand that was just a way of
connecting right Beautifulthread of connection between
them and I cherish that memory.
So gratitude is how we connectwith others and what's good in
our world, even amidst thedarkness and I think probably
(08:53):
most importantly, for especiallywhen we're caregiving and
dealing with illness, isgratitude, is a counterbalance
to our mind's negativity bias.
I've talked about this before.
Our brains naturally focus onwhat's wrong.
It's how we're wired and whenwe're in the middle of
(09:16):
caregiving.
That bias gets amplifiedbecause there's a lot of things
often that are not going well.
There's so much to worry aboutscans and insurance and our
partner's pain, and it can feellike all of those things take up
all the space in your mind.
And I talked about this kind ofit's such a great analogy.
(09:37):
But it's like being zoomed inwith a camera lens.
You're so zoomed in and all yousee is that one thing You're
just seeing the problems rightin front of you.
But when you take a moment tothink about what you're grateful
for, it's like zooming out.
You start to see the biggerpicture.
You can see the moments of love, the challenge and the
(10:00):
difficulties and the unknowns.
But when we zoom out forexample, let's say you're tired
(10:20):
and a little bit overwhelmedafter a long day at the hospital
and as you're thinking throughthe day, you think about that
one moment where the nursebrought your husband an extra
blanket because he was cold, andthat just moment of kindness
stands out.
(10:40):
That can shift your focus evenfor just a second and you start
seeing those things.
The more you do that look forthose moments that you're
grateful for, the easier itbecomes and soon you just
naturally start to see them.
You find the moments withouteven trying, so you can actually
(11:02):
train yourself to be grateful.
So gratitude is important.
It doesn't erase the hard stuff, but it gives you a way to see
beyond it.
It can bring moments of calm,connection and even joy into
what often just feels like chaosand hardship, and those are
(11:23):
really powerful tools whenyou're on caregiving journey.
So where should you look foropportunities to be grateful
when you're caregiving?
Sometimes there will be big,life-changing moments, but often
there are things that are justsmall, everyday moments that you
(11:45):
can find to be grateful for.
I will tell you first, one ofthe big moments that I am also,
to this day, forever gratefulfor was when my so my husband's
initial diagnosis was a tumor inhis arm, but a couple of years
later he actually ended up with.
We found out he had a tumor inhis brain and it was a very,
(12:09):
very scary time and I wasstruggling to get him seen by a
neurosurgeon because Idiscovered through the process
that there are not very manyneurosurgeons and our primary
care doctor was not being superhelpful.
But she did tell me that if Iwanted to get him seen sooner,
(12:30):
because it was going to takelike two weeks and he needed to
see someone, like now.
So she told me to take him tothe ER, the emergency room, and
so that's what I did, and he wasin pain and he was
uncomfortable.
And this ER doctor, this youngman, he and his search for to
(12:52):
get my husband seen by somebody,and we were in a small town, so
there were no neurosurgeons inour town.
The closest neurosurgeon waslike an hour, about an hour in
the town that was about an houraway, which was Sacramento.
So this ER doctor, heapparently they have some sort
of protocol where they kind ofhave to call the closest
(13:15):
facility first, and so he justsimply started making phone
calls and he called thehospitals in Sacramento.
There weren't any available andhe just worked his way out.
Well, he eventually found aneurosurgeon in UC Davis which
was in San Francisco UC Davishospital, I should say, which
(13:36):
was in San Francisco, and thiswas like I mean, I feel my
memory was, it was hours, Idon't actually remember how long
, but basically he made it sothat my husband could be
medevaced to UC Davis Hospital,which he was that night, and I
(13:58):
drove down in my car and heliterally had surgery to remove
the tumor within the next day.
I think it was like 24 hourslater.
So all because of this one ERdoctor I don't remember his name
, but I was so, so grateful forhim and that was a huge moment
and just someone who cared andjust went the extra mile.
(14:24):
I'm just forever grateful.
But often gratitude we find itin the smaller things.
I also remember driving homeone day and kind of being in a
grumpy mood and I just I sawthis beautiful tree which was
full of fall colors and justbeautiful, and I remember
(14:44):
noticing it.
I personally love trees, so Ido notice them, but it just
brought joy to my heart to seehow incredible nature can be.
Sometimes it's the taste ofwhipped cream in your coffee
drink that can give you a momentof joy and appreciation, or
(15:06):
maybe it's holding yourpartner's hand or a wonderful
hug, one of those hugs that isjust exactly what you need.
That is something to begrateful for, one of the coolest
things.
This was actually a coupleyears ago but I've never done
anything like this.
But I went to this weekendconference for a coaching
(15:29):
program.
I did, and as part of theconference we did this exercise
where, I mean, there was acouple hundred people there and
we did an exercise where wesplit the room in half and one
half of the room had to standkind of separated, like we were
arms width apart.
We closed our eyes and then theother half of the room.
You had to walk up and touchsomeone on their shoulder and
(15:51):
then give them a hug, all whilethe person standing there kept
their eyes closed so you didn'tknow who was hugging you.
It had to be like a good hug.
It couldn't be like a pat or a10 second hug.
It was like a 30 to 40 secondhug and then we traded.
So each half of the room didthis hugging exercise and it was
(16:15):
the best thing ever.
Literally strangers and youdon't know who's hugging you,
but you're just getting hugs wasone of the coolest things I've
ever done.
So a hug can be something tocherish and appreciate in the
moments when it's hard, right.
(16:36):
So start noticing those things.
Gratitude can also come fromappreciating yourself and your
own strength.
Being a caregiver is tough.
Having a partner with a seriousdiagnosis is hard and also
shows you what you're capable ofright Learning to navigate the
medical system something thatyou never thought you'd maybe
(16:58):
have to deal with all the insand outs of insurance.
You've probably learned moreabout this disease or illness
than you ever thought you would,and you've probably discovered
how deeply you can love someone,how deeply you can love someone
even when it's hard.
Our deep love is something tohonor and appreciate.
(17:20):
So finding gratitude doesn'tmean ignoring those hard things
or pretending everything's okaywhen it's not, but it is about
finding the beautiful moments,holding both truths that there
is pain and there's beauty,there is sadness and there's joy
.
Both truths can happen at thesame time.
(17:41):
You can hold both truths right.
I'm grateful for the supportthat I've received from my
family and friends and this isalso incredibly hard.
My family and friends and thisis also incredibly hard.
Both can be true.
Gratitude doesn't erase thepain of what you're going
through, but it does give youthat wider perspective which
(18:03):
gives you some relief, becauseyou start to see things with a
little more clarity, that it'snot all bad or that there is
always a bit of a balance.
It actually talked about thisidea of and linking two truths
or two ideas with the word andin the last podcast episode.
(18:25):
So if you want to dive intothat a little bit more, go and
listen to that after this,because we can be sad and strong
and so you can be strugglingand be grateful.
Small sparks of gratitude canreally help you get through.
(18:46):
They don't fix everything, butthey can lighten the load, even
for just a moment.
And, as I mentioned, the moreyou practice that, the more you
look for those things to begrateful for, the easier that
becomes.
You start to do it just withouttrying, but you often, for most
of us, we do have to try atfirst.
(19:08):
We have to consciously thinkabout it.
This is still a work inprogress for me for sure.
However, it is something thatwhen I do and I especially bring
to hard moments, when I findthe peace within the challenge
that I can be grateful for, itdoes give me perspective.
(19:28):
It puts things in context.
So, now that I've talked aboutwhy gratitude matters, what are
some ways to practice gratitude?
There are some simple ways thatyou can bring gratitude into
your daily life as a caregiver,and one of the easiest practices
, and probably one of the mostcommon, I think, is journaling
At the end of each day.
Write down one thing you'regrateful for, or it can be the
(19:52):
beginning.
I actually do it in thebeginning of the morning when
I'm journaling and it doesn'thave to be anything big, it can
be something small One of myfavorite things to think about
and be grateful for that.
I don't, let's be honest, Idon't do it very often, but when
I do, I appreciate my body, andespecially as I age and get
(20:15):
older and I see how my body isaged.
I'm also grateful, though, forthe ways that it supports me and
it's still strong, and that issomething we so often just take
for granted is our bodies, ourheart that keeps pumping away.
For most of us, right, ourorgans, I mean, they all
(20:36):
function without our tellingthem to, for most of us again,
so you can always appreciateyour body or parts of your body
you can appreciate, again, oneof my favorite things is my cat,
so if you've got a fur baby,that's something you can always
feel grateful for.
Journaling, writing about onething that you're grateful for,
(20:58):
is just an easy way Practicegratitude on a daily basis, and
over time, those moments add up,and what they do is train your
mind, be aware of them.
It helps put all of life inperspective If we spend a few
minutes each day just thinkingabout what we have, what we are
(21:21):
grateful for, how someone hasenriched our day.
They have studied this, as Imentioned.
Gratitude is well-studied andthey have found that studies
have found that people who keepa gratitude journal or who
regularly reflect on whatthey're thankful for actually
have lower blood pressure,stronger immune systems and
(21:43):
better heart health.
So it truly is.
Gratitude is like a superpower.
It literally can improve yourhealth and when you are stressed
, as most of us are caregiving,that is a huge benefit, so just
by noticing and appreciating thethings in our life already.
(22:04):
So another way to practicegratitude that I've also done
before and I did for a goodwhile, which was a lot of fun
and I just didn't keep it up,but is a gratitude jar.
You find a jar or a box or anysort of container and you get up
packet of sticky notes and eachday you just write down one
(22:26):
thing that you're grateful for,and often the more detail you
include, it helps you to relivethat moment a little bit.
So maybe if it was just someonesuper kind at the grocery store
and how much you appreciated itand you were kind of having a
hard day and then someone madeyou laugh, write that down, put
(22:46):
it in your gratitude jar andthen on really tough days, you
can pull out some of those notesand relive those moments of
gratitude.
And you can also just practicegratitude in the moment, just by
pausing and noticing the smallthings as you walk by that
beautiful tree or you drive bythat beautiful sunset.
(23:08):
Right In the Pacific Northwest,especially when it's rainy, we
often have gray, cloudy days, soI am always very appreciative
when the sun comes out and Iappreciate it so much more now
than I did when I lived inCalifornia and I had a lot more
sunny days.
So practicing feeling gratefulfor nature and warm coat, cozy
(23:35):
hat or the warmth of the sun onyour legs in the summer, those
are just everyday things thatcan be easy to overlook, but
when you stop and notice themchanges your perspective.
So the key to gratitude is tomake these practices work for
you.
Your caregiving journey isunique, so your gratitude
(23:57):
practice should be somethingthat works for you and it might
be something you try a couple ofdifferent methods.
Maybe journaling doesn't feelvery doable for you, but just
noticing and making a point tokind of notice a couple of
things throughout the day ismuch easier.
I think I know for some people,thinking about one thing
(24:18):
they're grateful for first thingin the morning is another way
to do it, or you can just take amental note instead of holding
a gratitude jar, you can justtake a mental note.
Instead of holding a gratitudejar, you can just make a mental
note of something you'regrateful for.
So gratitude doesn't have to beanother to-do item on your list
, but it can be something tojust be mindful of and always
(24:40):
asking the question what can Ibe grateful for here, or what is
something I can appreciate?
The last thing I want to talkabout and I've talked about it a
little bit already is balancinggratitude and grief or sadness.
I know I've mentioned this afew times already, but it is
really important to say that wecan have both emotions.
(25:03):
We can feel the sadness,acknowledge the grief and also
find the light, find the thingswe appreciate, find the things
we're grateful for.
Those emotions they aren'topposites of each other.
They can coexist and they oftendo, especially in caregiving.
(25:23):
We often have a lot ofconflicting feelings.
So when you're able to remindyourself that we can hold both
feelings at the same time, againit creates more of a sense of
balance that helps us movethrough what is often really
challenging times.
Gratitude, finding those momentsto be grateful for and thankful
(25:47):
for it, won't change the pain.
It won't take that away.
It can make it a little easierto bear because you start seeing
it with perspective.
The grief and the sadness thatyou feel is real and it is
important to acknowledge that.
And I want to emphasize that.
I actually have a clientcurrently that she's actually
(26:11):
amazing, practicing gratitude.
She's always in our calls, shealways mentions what she is
grateful for and she has a veryactive gratitude practice.
However, one thing that I havenoticed is sometimes she does
not allow herself to feel thepain as well, she skips over it
(26:32):
a little bit, and when we dothat, we don't validate those
emotions and it can makegratitude a little bit of an
intellectual practice as opposedto something that we feel.
So when we acknowledge our painand our sadness and how things
(26:53):
are hard, when we just giveourselves a moment to just
acknowledge that oh yes, this ishard, I am sad, I'm struggling,
then we can often it's easier,in fact, to look for the light.
So you have to kind of giveyourself that space.
I think a lot of times we feardwelling in it or feeling sorry
(27:16):
for ourself, but that's notacknowledging.
Acknowledging is just noticing.
This is what I'm feeling andit's okay.
You don't have to wallow insomething to acknowledge it, but
when you can acknowledge it.
It's often easier to reallyfeel the gratitude when you
allow yourself to, as opposed tojust kind of skipping over the
(27:38):
pain.
You don't want to ever usegratitude to pretend that
everything's okay and it's nothard.
It's just about finding spacefor both the pain and the good.
The sadness is real and thereare still moments of light,
still moments of connection orpeace.
That's what helps you have thestrength to keep going.
(28:02):
So grief is essential part ofthis experience, but gratitude
is what will give youperspective.
Another one of my clients.
I want to share a story fromanother one of my clients.
Her husband was undergoing someintensive treatments and their
days were filled withappointments and lots of
(28:24):
uncertainty, as is pretty common, and it was exhausting and
there was a lot of grief of justwatching someone you love go
through all of that.
But one of the things that shementioned many times how
grateful she was was theirmedical team.
She just had a great group ofdoctors and, I think, some
(28:47):
specialists who genuinely caredand were on top of it, and she
was so appreciative of that.
They took time to explainthings to her and answer
questions and were supportive,and that was something she was
just always so appreciative of,so much so that it was one of
(29:07):
the things that she relied on.
One of the kind of thoughtsthat she relied on is we have a
great team, and so when she wasfeeling moments of doubt, her
gratitude and appreciation andbelief in this team really
helped get her through.
So while being grateful forthat team didn't take away the
(29:28):
challenge of the situation andthe grief of watching her
husband go through all this, itdid give her something steady to
focus on when everything elsefelt challenging.
So finding something like that,that balance, is very powerful.
It doesn't minimize the grief,doesn't minimize the sadness,
but it does allow you to feelthe full range of emotions.
(29:52):
You can grieve the diagnosisand the changes in your
relationship or the future thatyou're afraid of losing and, at
the same time, also notice andappreciate the small meaningful
moments that happen along theway.
So start right now.
When you're feeling overwhelmed, just pause, let yourself
(30:15):
acknowledge that feeling,breathe it in.
As I like to say, stop andacknowledge it, notice it, sit
with it for a minute withoutjudgment, but then look for
something, however small, thatyou can be grateful for.
Maybe it's the kind word ofyour friend, or moment of
laughter with your husband orpartner, or just the fact that
(30:37):
you made it through the day andyou've got a warm, comfortable
couch to sit on.
Pop up your feet.
So gratitude doesn't make thepain go away, but it can soften
the edges, it can remind us all,even when times are dark, there
is light, and that sometimessmallest little bit is what
(30:58):
helps keep us going.
So I want to encourage you totry on one gratitude practice
this week.
Just start thinking about it.
What is one thing that I cannotice and appreciate today?
Or what can I start my day outappreciating?
Or take the gratitude jar andwrite down one thing each day
(31:21):
and just go for a week and seehow you feel.
I would love to hear from you.
I would love to hear from you.
I would love to hear how you'repracticing gratitude or if
you've got some other ways thatyou practice gratitude.
I would love to hear them.
You can email me, marika, atcoachmarikacom.
That's M-A-R.
Thanks for joining me today.
(31:41):
Take care of yourself andremember you are stronger than
you think.
Joining me today, take care ofyourself and remember you are
stronger than you think.
And I'm going to leave you witha quote from Maya Angelou.
She says we may encounter manydefeats, but we must not be
defeated.
All right, my friends, I'll seeyou next week.
Hello everyone .
It is good to be back with youagain.
I am coming off of the holidayfestivities and feeling a bit
tired.
It was lots of fun with lots offamily gatherings and, of
course, lots of family meals.
My youngest niece is five and ahalf and she is just a delight
(00:21):
to have around the holidays andso much energy.
I forget that we have so muchenergy when we're children like
that and it is fun to be around.
But also a little tiring.
And I will say, as I thoughtabout it this morning and
reflected on the last week, I amdefinitely feeling very
grateful.
I have a really open andamazing family.
(00:46):
We have our squabbles, buteverybody gets along despite the
squabbles and my boyfriend'sfamily has been open and warm
and welcoming to me and it wasjust.
I'm just very appreciative ofthat.
So very appropriate, becausetoday we're going to talk about
something that sometimes feelsvery out of reach when our
(01:09):
partner is facing a diagnosis ofcancer or some other very
serious illness, and that isgratitude.
I know gratitude can feel veryhard when you're dealing with
something as big and as heavy ascancer or any serious diagnosis
(01:30):
, because so much about thisjourney is just hard, your
partner may have gone fromfeeling fine one day to get a
life-threatening diagnosis thenext day.
I mean, that's pretty much whathappened for us.
So that kind of shift isoverwhelming and it feels unfair
(01:51):
and it can feel like there's nospace for gratitude in any of
it.
But here's the thing Gratitudeisn't about ignoring what's hard
, and it's not about pretendingthat things are fine when they
aren't.
Gratitude is about fightingbalance, about noticing the
small moments of light, even inthe midst of what feels like so
(02:14):
much darkness many times.
And so that's what we're goingto talk about today.
And also, I feel like this isvery appropriate because, as
I've said, I live in Washingtonand it is dark now at 430.
The I live in Washington and itis dark now at 4.30.
The sun sets at 4.30 and it'sdark, and I was forcing myself
to go out for a walk at five inthe darkness, which felt weird.
(02:35):
I thought, oh my gosh, I can'timagine living somewhere where
the sun sets even earlier, whichthere are many places that the
sun sets even earlier in thewinter.
So it can be really hard tofind light and motivation in the
darkness, quite literally.
And I'm feeling that as I walkout the door here in this winter
(02:59):
months in the Pacific Northwest.
But I know that it is possibleand I want to talk about that
today what role gratitude canplay in your life and in the
cancer journey.
So I want to actually start,though, by clearing up some
misunderstandings, I think,about gratitude.
First, it is not the same aswhat sometimes people refer to
(03:25):
as toxic positivity.
It is about looking always fora silver lining in every bad
situation and forcing yourselfto stay positive.
For example, I think a goodexample of that is someone might
say, well, at least they caughtthe cancer early.
And you're thinking, yeah,great, but it's still cancer.
Right, that may be true.
Catching it early is generallyfavorable in any disease, but it
(03:52):
doesn't take away how scarythat is and how hard that
diagnosis feels.
So gratitude isn't aboutignoring what's hard and what's
painful, but it is about makingspace for both.
And second, let's talk aboutguilt.
A lot of us feel guilty when wearen't grateful.
(04:13):
We think, you know, I shouldjust be thankful that I still
have my partner, or I should bethankful that it isn't worse,
but we're actually feeling sador angry or scared, and so we
get caught in this loop ofjudging ourselves for feeling
(04:33):
bad and not being grateful forwhat we actually do have.
The guilt comes from notletting ourselves feel those
hard emotions, feeling likethey're not okay to acknowledge.
But when we skip over thosehard emotions and we try to
force gratitude, that doesn'treally work because it ignores
(04:55):
those feelings and we can end upfeeling very stuck.
If your partner's treatmentisn't going as planned and
someone says to you, at leastthey're still fighting, it can
feel like you're supposed tofocus on the fact that they're
still fighting instead of thefrustration and the fear that
you might be feeling.
(05:15):
That you're probably feeling,but those feelings are also real
and they do need space.
So we have to feel the hardemotions first, often in order
to feel, to find what there isto be grateful for.
So it isn't about pretendingthat everything is okay, but it
(05:37):
is about learning to letyourself feel the hard stuff and
still find space and notice thegood moments that do exist.
So it's not one or the other,you can feel both.
So let's talk about whygratitude is important,
especially when you'recaregiving.
(05:58):
The benefits of gratitude haveactually been very well studied
and those studies show that whenyou practice gratitude it can
actually reduce stress andimprove your overall wellbeing.
So research they have found.
They have done research thathas found that people who
regularly express gratitude tendto feel less anxious and less
(06:22):
depressed, which is awesome,which is kind of crazy also to
think about it literally byexpressing our appreciation for
things, which means that you'renoticing what's right or good or
beautiful, you actually canreduce your anxiety and feelings
(06:42):
of depression.
That is pretty awesome.
Some studies have evensuggested that it can improve
your sleep, and that is also oneof the things that many
caregivers struggle with.
I know I did so in a situationthat is as stressful as
caregiving.
Those type of benefits arereally huge.
But gratitude isn't just aboutfeeling better.
(07:04):
But gratitude isn't just aboutfeeling better.
It's also about connection.
When we make an effort to noticewhat we're grateful for, we
start to see the smallmeaningful moments in our day,
and these can be as simple as aword or a small act of kindness
or love, one of the stories thatI've told a few times.
(07:27):
I'm not sure if I've told it onthis podcast I don't think I
have actually but I always thinkof it because it was such a
beautiful moment and was the daybefore my husband passed away.
He was in the hospital andcoming, really going in and out
of consciousness and things werereally incredibly hard.
But in one quiet moment mydaughter had walked in the room
(07:50):
and he looked up at her and saidwhat's up?
Goobs and goobs was thenickname that he used to call
her sort of was a fond nickname,but he just said it in this
very normal way that he'dprobably said it hundreds of
times before and it was the lastthing he ever said to her.
(08:10):
It was a small thing, but inthat moment later, the next day,
actually after he had passedaway, I was just so grateful for
that, such a beautiful, normalmoment between father and
daughter and I'm still gratefulto this day for that just
(08:31):
exchange of beautiful exchangeand that was just a way of
connecting right Beautifulthread of connection between
them and I cherish that memory.
So gratitude is how we connectwith others and what's good in
our world, even amidst thedarkness and I think probably
(08:53):
most importantly, for especiallywhen we're caregiving and
dealing with illness, isgratitude, is a counterbalance
to our mind's negativity bias.
I've talked about this before.
Our brains naturally focus onwhat's wrong.
It's how we're wired and whenwe're in the middle of
(09:16):
caregiving.
That bias gets amplifiedbecause there's a lot of things
often that are not going well.
There's so much to worry aboutscans and insurance and our
partner's pain, and it can feellike all of those things take up
all the space in your mind.
And I talked about this kind ofit's such a great analogy.
(09:37):
But it's like being zoomed inwith a camera lens.
You're so zoomed in and all yousee is that one thing You're
just seeing the problems rightin front of you.
But when you take a moment tothink about what you're grateful
for, it's like zooming out.
You start to see the biggerpicture.
You can see the moments of love, the challenge and the
(10:00):
difficulties and the unknowns.
But when we zoom out forexample, let's say you're tired
(10:20):
and a little bit overwhelmedafter a long day at the hospital
and as you're thinking throughthe day, you think about that
one moment where the nursebrought your husband an extra
blanket because he was cold, andthat just moment of kindness
stands out.
(10:40):
That can shift your focus evenfor just a second and you start
seeing those things.
The more you do that look forthose moments that you're
grateful for, the easier itbecomes and soon you just
naturally start to see them.
You find the moments withouteven trying, so you can actually
(11:02):
train yourself to be grateful.
So gratitude is important.
It doesn't erase the hard stuff, but it gives you a way to see
beyond it.
It can bring moments of calm,connection and even joy into
what often just feels like chaosand hardship, and those are
(11:23):
really powerful tools whenyou're on caregiving journey.
So where should you look foropportunities to be grateful
when you're caregiving?
Sometimes there will be big,life-changing moments, but often
there are things that are justsmall, everyday moments that you
(11:45):
can find to be grateful for.
I will tell you first, one ofthe big moments that I am also,
to this day, forever gratefulfor was when my so my husband's
initial diagnosis was a tumor inhis arm, but a couple of years
later he actually ended up with.
We found out he had a tumor inhis brain and it was a very,
(12:09):
very scary time and I wasstruggling to get him seen by a
neurosurgeon because Idiscovered through the process
that there are not very manyneurosurgeons and our primary
care doctor was not being superhelpful.
But she did tell me that if Iwanted to get him seen sooner,
(12:30):
because it was going to takelike two weeks and he needed to
see someone, like now.
So she told me to take him tothe ER, the emergency room, and
so that's what I did, and he wasin pain and he was
uncomfortable.
And this ER doctor, this youngman, he and his search for to
(12:52):
get my husband seen by somebody,and we were in a small town, so
there were no neurosurgeons inour town.
The closest neurosurgeon waslike an hour, about an hour in
the town that was about an houraway, which was Sacramento.
So this ER doctor, heapparently they have some sort
of protocol where they kind ofhave to call the closest
(13:15):
facility first, and so he justsimply started making phone
calls and he called thehospitals in Sacramento.
There weren't any available andhe just worked his way out.
Well, he eventually found aneurosurgeon in UC Davis which
was in San Francisco UC Davishospital, I should say, which
(13:36):
was in San Francisco, and thiswas like I mean, I feel my
memory was, it was hours, Idon't actually remember how long
, but basically he made it sothat my husband could be
medevaced to UC Davis Hospital,which he was that night, and I
(13:58):
drove down in my car and heliterally had surgery to remove
the tumor within the next day.
I think it was like 24 hourslater.
So all because of this one ERdoctor I don't remember his name
, but I was so, so grateful forhim and that was a huge moment
and just someone who cared andjust went the extra mile.
(14:24):
I'm just forever grateful.
But often gratitude we find itin the smaller things.
I also remember driving homeone day and kind of being in a
grumpy mood and I just I sawthis beautiful tree which was
full of fall colors and justbeautiful, and I remember
(14:44):
noticing it.
I personally love trees, so Ido notice them, but it just
brought joy to my heart to seehow incredible nature can be.
Sometimes it's the taste ofwhipped cream in your coffee
drink that can give you a momentof joy and appreciation, or
(15:06):
maybe it's holding yourpartner's hand or a wonderful
hug, one of those hugs that isjust exactly what you need.
That is something to begrateful for, one of the coolest
things.
This was actually a coupleyears ago but I've never done
anything like this.
But I went to this weekendconference for a coaching
(15:29):
program.
I did, and as part of theconference we did this exercise
where, I mean, there was acouple hundred people there and
we did an exercise where wesplit the room in half and one
half of the room had to standkind of separated, like we were
arms width apart.
We closed our eyes and then theother half of the room.
You had to walk up and touchsomeone on their shoulder and
(15:51):
then give them a hug, all whilethe person standing there kept
their eyes closed so you didn'tknow who was hugging you.
It had to be like a good hug.
It couldn't be like a pat or a10 second hug.
It was like a 30 to 40 secondhug and then we traded.
So each half of the room didthis hugging exercise and it was
(16:15):
the best thing ever.
Literally strangers and youdon't know who's hugging you,
but you're just getting hugs wasone of the coolest things I've
ever done.
So a hug can be something tocherish and appreciate in the
moments when it's hard, right.
(16:36):
So start noticing those things.
Gratitude can also come fromappreciating yourself and your
own strength.
Being a caregiver is tough.
Having a partner with a seriousdiagnosis is hard and also
shows you what you're capable ofright Learning to navigate the
medical system something thatyou never thought you'd maybe
(16:58):
have to deal with all the insand outs of insurance.
You've probably learned moreabout this disease or illness
than you ever thought you would,and you've probably discovered
how deeply you can love someone,how deeply you can love someone
even when it's hard.
Our deep love is something tohonor and appreciate.
(17:20):
So finding gratitude doesn'tmean ignoring those hard things
or pretending everything's okaywhen it's not, but it is about
finding the beautiful moments,holding both truths that there
is pain and there's beauty,there is sadness and there's joy
.
Both truths can happen at thesame time.
(17:41):
You can hold both truths right.
I'm grateful for the supportthat I've received from my
family and friends and this isalso incredibly hard.
My family and friends and thisis also incredibly hard.
Both can be true.
Gratitude doesn't erase thepain of what you're going
through, but it does give youthat wider perspective which
(18:03):
gives you some relief, becauseyou start to see things with a
little more clarity, that it'snot all bad or that there is
always a bit of a balance.
It actually talked about thisidea of and linking two truths
or two ideas with the word andin the last podcast episode.
(18:25):
So if you want to dive intothat a little bit more, go and
listen to that after this,because we can be sad and strong
and so you can be strugglingand be grateful.
Small sparks of gratitude canreally help you get through.
(18:46):
They don't fix everything, butthey can lighten the load, even
for just a moment.
And, as I mentioned, the moreyou practice that, the more you
look for those things to begrateful for, the easier that
becomes.
You start to do it just withouttrying, but you often, for most
of us, we do have to try atfirst.
(19:08):
We have to consciously thinkabout it.
This is still a work inprogress for me for sure.
However, it is something thatwhen I do and I especially bring
to hard moments, when I findthe peace within the challenge
that I can be grateful for, itdoes give me perspective.
(19:28):
It puts things in context.
So, now that I've talked aboutwhy gratitude matters, what are
some ways to practice gratitude?
There are some simple ways thatyou can bring gratitude into
your daily life as a caregiver,and one of the easiest practices
, and probably one of the mostcommon, I think, is journaling
At the end of each day.
Write down one thing you'regrateful for, or it can be the
(19:52):
beginning.
I actually do it in thebeginning of the morning when
I'm journaling and it doesn'thave to be anything big, it can
be something small One of myfavorite things to think about
and be grateful for that.
I don't, let's be honest, Idon't do it very often, but when
I do, I appreciate my body, andespecially as I age and get
(20:15):
older and I see how my body isaged.
I'm also grateful, though, forthe ways that it supports me and
it's still strong, and that issomething we so often just take
for granted is our bodies, ourheart that keeps pumping away.
For most of us, right, ourorgans, I mean, they all
(20:36):
function without our tellingthem to, for most of us again,
so you can always appreciateyour body or parts of your body
you can appreciate, again, oneof my favorite things is my cat,
so if you've got a fur baby,that's something you can always
feel grateful for.
Journaling, writing about onething that you're grateful for,
(20:58):
is just an easy way Practicegratitude on a daily basis, and
over time, those moments add up,and what they do is train your
mind, be aware of them.
It helps put all of life inperspective If we spend a few
minutes each day just thinkingabout what we have, what we are
(21:21):
grateful for, how someone hasenriched our day.
They have studied this, as Imentioned.
Gratitude is well-studied andthey have found that studies
have found that people who keepa gratitude journal or who
regularly reflect on whatthey're thankful for actually
have lower blood pressure,stronger immune systems and
(21:43):
better heart health.
So it truly is.
Gratitude is like a superpower.
It literally can improve yourhealth and when you are stressed
, as most of us are caregiving,that is a huge benefit, so just
by noticing and appreciating thethings in our life already.
(22:04):
So another way to practicegratitude that I've also done
before and I did for a goodwhile, which was a lot of fun
and I just didn't keep it up,but is a gratitude jar.
You find a jar or a box or anysort of container and you get up
packet of sticky notes and eachday you just write down one
(22:26):
thing that you're grateful for,and often the more detail you
include, it helps you to relivethat moment a little bit.
So maybe if it was just someonesuper kind at the grocery store
and how much you appreciated itand you were kind of having a
hard day and then someone madeyou laugh, write that down, put
(22:46):
it in your gratitude jar andthen on really tough days, you
can pull out some of those notesand relive those moments of
gratitude.
And you can also just practicegratitude in the moment, just by
pausing and noticing the smallthings as you walk by that
beautiful tree or you drive bythat beautiful sunset.
(23:08):
Right In the Pacific Northwest,especially when it's rainy, we
often have gray, cloudy days, soI am always very appreciative
when the sun comes out and Iappreciate it so much more now
than I did when I lived inCalifornia and I had a lot more
sunny days.
So practicing feeling gratefulfor nature and warm coat, cozy
(23:35):
hat or the warmth of the sun onyour legs in the summer, those
are just everyday things thatcan be easy to overlook, but
when you stop and notice themchanges your perspective.
So the key to gratitude is tomake these practices work for
you.
Your caregiving journey isunique, so your gratitude
(23:57):
practice should be somethingthat works for you and it might
be something you try a couple ofdifferent methods.
Maybe journaling doesn't feelvery doable for you, but just
noticing and making a point tokind of notice a couple of
things throughout the day ismuch easier.
I think I know for some people,thinking about one thing
(24:18):
they're grateful for first thingin the morning is another way
to do it, or you can just take amental note instead of holding
a gratitude jar, you can justtake a mental note.
Instead of holding a gratitudejar, you can just make a mental
note of something you'regrateful for.
So gratitude doesn't have to beanother to-do item on your list
, but it can be something tojust be mindful of and always
(24:40):
asking the question what can Ibe grateful for here, or what is
something I can appreciate?
The last thing I want to talkabout and I've talked about it a
little bit already is balancinggratitude and grief or sadness.
I know I've mentioned this afew times already, but it is
really important to say that wecan have both emotions.
(25:03):
We can feel the sadness,acknowledge the grief and also
find the light, find the thingswe appreciate, find the things
we're grateful for.
Those emotions they aren'topposites of each other.
They can coexist and they oftendo, especially in caregiving.
(25:23):
We often have a lot ofconflicting feelings.
So when you're able to remindyourself that we can hold both
feelings at the same time, againit creates more of a sense of
balance that helps us movethrough what is often really
challenging times.
Gratitude, finding those momentsto be grateful for and thankful
(25:47):
for it, won't change the pain.
It won't take that away.
It can make it a little easierto bear because you start seeing
it with perspective.
The grief and the sadness thatyou feel is real and it is
important to acknowledge that.
And I want to emphasize that.
I actually have a clientcurrently that she's actually
(26:11):
amazing, practicing gratitude.
She's always in our calls, shealways mentions what she is
grateful for and she has a veryactive gratitude practice.
However, one thing that I havenoticed is sometimes she does
not allow herself to feel thepain as well, she skips over it
(26:32):
a little bit, and when we dothat, we don't validate those
emotions and it can makegratitude a little bit of an
intellectual practice as opposedto something that we feel.
So when we acknowledge our painand our sadness and how things
(26:53):
are hard, when we just giveourselves a moment to just
acknowledge that oh yes, this ishard, I am sad, I'm struggling,
then we can often it's easier,in fact, to look for the light.
So you have to kind of giveyourself that space.
I think a lot of times we feardwelling in it or feeling sorry
(27:16):
for ourself, but that's notacknowledging.
Acknowledging is just noticing.
This is what I'm feeling andit's okay.
You don't have to wallow insomething to acknowledge it, but
when you can acknowledge it.
It's often easier to reallyfeel the gratitude when you
allow yourself to, as opposed tojust kind of skipping over the
(27:38):
pain.
You don't want to ever usegratitude to pretend that
everything's okay and it's nothard.
It's just about finding spacefor both the pain and the good.
The sadness is real and thereare still moments of light,
still moments of connection orpeace.
That's what helps you have thestrength to keep going.
(28:02):
So grief is essential part ofthis experience, but gratitude
is what will give youperspective.
Another one of my clients.
I want to share a story fromanother one of my clients.
Her husband was undergoing someintensive treatments and their
days were filled withappointments and lots of
(28:24):
uncertainty, as is pretty common, and it was exhausting and
there was a lot of grief of justwatching someone you love go
through all of that.
But one of the things that shementioned many times how
grateful she was was theirmedical team.
She just had a great group ofdoctors and, I think, some
(28:47):
specialists who genuinely caredand were on top of it, and she
was so appreciative of that.
They took time to explainthings to her and answer
questions and were supportive,and that was something she was
just always so appreciative of,so much so that it was one of
(29:07):
the things that she relied on.
One of the kind of thoughtsthat she relied on is we have a
great team, and so when she wasfeeling moments of doubt, her
gratitude and appreciation andbelief in this team really
helped get her through.
So while being grateful forthat team didn't take away the
(29:28):
challenge of the situation andthe grief of watching her
husband go through all this, itdid give her something steady to
focus on when everything elsefelt challenging.
So finding something like that,that balance, is very powerful.
It doesn't minimize the grief,doesn't minimize the sadness,
but it does allow you to feelthe full range of emotions.
(29:52):
You can grieve the diagnosisand the changes in your
relationship or the future thatyou're afraid of losing and, at
the same time, also notice andappreciate the small meaningful
moments that happen along theway.
So start right now.
When you're feeling overwhelmed, just pause, let yourself
(30:15):
acknowledge that feeling,breathe it in.
As I like to say, stop andacknowledge it, notice it, sit
with it for a minute withoutjudgment, but then look for
something, however small, thatyou can be grateful for.
Maybe it's the kind word ofyour friend, or moment of
laughter with your husband orpartner, or just the fact that
(30:37):
you made it through the day andyou've got a warm, comfortable
couch to sit on.
Pop up your feet.
So gratitude doesn't make thepain go away, but it can soften
the edges, it can remind us all,even when times are dark, there
is light, and that sometimessmallest little bit is what
(30:58):
helps keep us going.
So I want to encourage you totry on one gratitude practice
this week.
Just start thinking about it.
What is one thing that I cannotice and appreciate today?
Or what can I start my day outappreciating?
Or take the gratitude jar andwrite down one thing each day
(31:21):
and just go for a week and seehow you feel.
I would love to hear from you.
I would love to hear from you.
I would love to hear how you'repracticing gratitude or if
you've got some other ways thatyou practice gratitude.
I would love to hear them.
You can email me, marika, atcoachmarikacom.
That's M-A-R.
Thanks for joining me today.
(31:41):
Take care of yourself andremember you are stronger than
you think.
Joining me today, take care ofyourself and remember you are
stronger than you think.
And I'm going to leave you witha quote from Maya Angelou.
She says we may encounter manydefeats, but we must not be
defeated.
All right, my friends, I'll seeyou next week.
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