January 7, 2025 • 25 mins
In this episode, I share a powerful perspective shift inspired by Simon Sinek’s video Stop Holding Yourself Back and my own experiences as a caregiver and entrepreneur. We talk about the overwhelming feelings that can arise when facing a difficult path ahead—whether it’s a partner’s cancer recurrence, adjusting to life after loss, or simply navigating the demands of everyday life.
When we focus on the obstacles—what Sinek refers to as “the trees”—we sap our energy, spiral into frustration, and lose sight of the way forward. But by shifting our focus to the path ahead, we can take control of our mindset, regain clarity, and move forward with strength and purpose.
Referenced in this episode:
How to Stop Holding Yourself Back - Simon Sinek
Ben Pugh Coaching - Coach for Parents of Teens
As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Marika Humphreys (00:00):
Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
As I record this, it is thestart of a new year, 2025, which
is crazy.
I am getting ready to go withmy boyfriend to the Bahamas for
a week, so it's not the kind ofBahama vacation that you might
(00:20):
think of.
He actually is a professor andhe teaches a course at one of
the small islands in the Bahamasthat you've probably never
heard of.
He actually is a professor andhe teaches a course at one of
the small islands in the Bahamasthat you've probably never
heard of, and it's a marineecology course, and so he will
be there for the month teachingthis course to a bunch of
students, and I am going to goand join him for about a week of
that time.
(00:40):
So it will be a lot ofsnorkeling and learning about
marine ecology, which issomething I know pretty much
nothing about.
Anyway, I am very excited.
It will be a chance to get awayfrom the Washington winter and
rain as well and get into thesun, the tropical sun, which I
can't even imagine at this point, so looking forward to it.
(01:05):
I also wanted to share that,because I know how challenging
you life can be when you've gota partner with cancer.
It is hard and much of timefeels dark.
I can so vividly remember thiswas actually after my husband
passed away.
I remember having this periodof time where I couldn't imagine
(01:27):
feeling joy again.
That emotion just feltinaccessible to me and I
couldn't imagine ever feeling it.
And I am now at a place in mylife where I have lots of joy,
lots of things in my life thatbring me joy people, hobbies.
(01:47):
I've created a life that I loveand that at one point didn't
seem possible.
I couldn't imagine it.
So sometimes when we're in thedarkness, it is really hard to
see outside or to see beyond orto see that there is the
possibility for beyond.
(02:07):
So I want to share that withyou, because I have been in the
darkness and I am now beyond,and I want to be an example for
you to know that the darknessdoesn't always last, it won't be
a forever thing, and so I willcontinue to share a little bit
about my current life with itschallenges.
(02:30):
I still have challenges and allof those things.
The life still has the ups anddowns, but I am in a place that
I couldn't imagine at one pointin my life and so hopefully that
just gives you sometimes alittle encouragement when it can
feel very bleak.
So this is going to be a littlemore serious episode today
(02:51):
because in part it's inspired bya conversation I recently had
with one of my clients.
Her husband passed away fromcancer about six months ago
actually and she's been myclient now for probably just
about a year and she's raisingtwo young kids now on her own
(03:12):
and she is just feelingcompletely run down, emotionally
and physically exhausted andthe new year has been really
hard for her.
Celebrating the new year hasbeen really hard because she
didn't want to celebrate it, itdidn't feel celebratory, she
(03:32):
didn't want to even acknowledgeit.
She's like I don't want thisyear, I don't want what lies
ahead, and all she could see isthis uphill battle, a journey,
an arduous journey that shedidn't choose and doesn't want,
and she knew that the year aheadis just going to be more of her
(03:55):
learning how to acclimate tobeing a single parent, juggling
home and work demands and tryingto rebuild a life that she
didn't want.
She didn't want to have to gothrough these challenges and she
was just feeling tired andoverwhelmed and defeated really,
(04:15):
and I could very much relate toher feelings and I think
probably many of you out therecan Sometimes at the start of a
new year or any moment in lifewhere we maybe get a diagnosis
or a reoccurrence.
(04:37):
There are just times when welook ahead at an unwanted
journey and it feels likestanding at the base of a
mountain that we never asked toclimb and all we can see is how
steep and difficult and hardit's going to be, and it feels
(04:57):
impossible and we don't evenwant to take that first step.
So that is actually what I'mgoing to talk about today.
I want to talk about thisexperience of standing at the
base of the mountain and feelingcompletely overwhelmed and
stuck, and I'm going to share mystory and, as well, just give
(05:18):
you a few ways to think aboutthis so that you can perhaps
think about it differently andthat can help you not stay stuck
and fatigued and feelingoverwhelmed before you even
start, because there are momentsin life, especially in cancer
(05:38):
and grief, where the path aheadfeels just enormous and
impossible.
And what makes it even harder,I think, is if you've been
through something similar andyou know how difficult the path
ahead is.
The more you know, the harderit feels or the heavier it feels
(05:59):
For me.
I think I've shared this storybefore, but I want to share it
again.
One of the most vivid timeswhere this happened for me was
when my husband was in thehospital recovering from surgery
.
The doctors had just removed abrain tumor and it was his
second cancer diagnosis.
(06:19):
The first was three yearsearlier and that was a cancerous
tumor in his arm.
And back then he went throughsurgery and chemo and fought
really hard and we thought thatthe cancer was behind us, like
we could move on in life.
Well, fast forward.
That surgery to remove thebrain tumor was very successful,
(06:40):
which was the good news.
But while my husband wasrecovering from the anesthesia,
the doctors told me that theoriginal cancer from his arm had
spread to his chest.
So I was the one to hear thatnews.
I was the one to hear it kindof first, I guess, because he
(07:02):
was still, you know, recoveringfrom being sedated.
And as I was sitting there justabsorbing this, I felt
completely overwhelmed andfrustrated and defeated, because
I knew what came with thisdiagnosis.
We had already been on thispath before.
(07:24):
I knew the appointments andtreatments and uncertainty and
fear and all of that that lay atnow ahead of us, and it just
felt like this crushing weightof this future that I didn't
want.
And it wasn't just that thecancer was back, wasn't just
(07:49):
that the cancer was back, it wasjust the knowledge that our
hard fought return to normalswas gone and replaced with
another year of pain andupheaval and constant feeling of
cancer being this shadow overour lives.
And it wasn't just, I think,the grief and the shock of that
diagnosis, but it was a deepexhaustion, knowing how hard the
journey ahead would be for us,and I didn't want it.
(08:13):
I didn't want to do it, Ididn't want to be on that
mountain again and I didn't wantto start climbing it.
I just I felt stuck staring atall this obstacles that I knew
were ahead of us in that yearand I couldn't see a path
forward at that moment.
I remember finding an emptyhallway in the hospital and I
(08:35):
just sat on the floor and Isobbed and I sobbed.
I have honestly felt this way afew times since that time,
probably not as extreme as thattime was, but most recently I've
been feeling it in my coachingbusiness.
I've been running my businessnow for a while and I love
coaching and I love working withpeople who are where I was at
(09:00):
one point really facingsomething so hard and helping
them find their own strength.
I love that part, but I havealso developed an appreciation
for how challengingentrepreneurship can be.
Coaching is the heart of what Ido and I love that part, but
(09:20):
running a business also meansdoing a whole bunch of other
things.
It means marketing and sellingand solving unexpected problems
and learning how to run awebsite and staying organized
and oh yes, also coaching.
And the other day I was sittingdown to map out my goals for
(09:41):
the next three years, mybusiness goals, and as I looked
at everything I wanted toaccomplish, all I could just see
was the work ahead of me and itfelt again like standing at the
bottom of that mountain,staring at all the obstacles in
my way.
And that is when my dear friendand coach, ben who, ben Pugh he
(10:03):
coaches parents of teens he sentme a video by Simon Sinek,
which, if you haven't seen anyof his videos, they're fantastic
.
I will link it in the shownotes here so you can check it
out.
But in this video he sharesthis brilliant analogy of how
skiers navigate a tree-filledmountain.
(10:26):
When a skier stands at the topof the slope, all they can see
are trees, hundreds of trees.
And as they start to ski down,they don't focus on the trees.
Why?
Because if they do, that iswhere they will steer right into
a tree.
So instead they focus on thepath, they focus on the snow
(10:50):
right, they keep their eyestrained to the spaces between
the trees, the openings thatallow them to move forward.
And this idea isn't just uniqueto skiing.
Motorcycles have this concept.
Cyclists do the same thing.
They learn to focus on wherethey want to go, not on the
(11:12):
obstacles, the ditch or anyother obstacles around them,
because where our eye goes iswhere we will go.
But when we're feelingoverwhelmed like my client was
or like I was it's so easy tofixate on the obstacles.
We don't just see one tree, wesee all of them, every single
tree out there, every challenge,every difficulty.
(11:34):
It feels huge and it just loomsso large in our mind that it
doesn't feel like anything elseis possible.
And that's partly why it feelsoverwhelming, because when we
focus only on the obstacles, wemake them bigger in our mind and
we start to believe that thepath ahead is nothing but
(11:55):
hardship.
And of course then we feeldrained before we even begin
before we've even taken a step.
That's where my client was.
She was feeling exhausted justlooking at all the obstacles
ahead.
So it's a mindset that willexhaust us.
It's not just that we see thework, it's that it feels
(12:18):
insurmountable.
When we see it all and we'relooking at all of it, it just
feels insurmountable and we feelstuck and trapped and often we
can't even imagine how we'llever make it through.
In Simon Sinek's video heexplains part of the reason why
this what to do, why this is theway.
(12:41):
It is why our brain works thisway.
And what he says was you can'ttell your brain not to do
something.
The moment you think about whatyou don't want to do, your
brain fixates on the thingitself, not the don't part.
So if you're skiing down a hilland thinking don't hit a tree,
don't hit a tree, don't hit atree, you you're only looking at
(13:03):
trees and guess what?
Your chances of hitting one goup, because that's where your
brain is focused.
So you have to focus on the pathahead, on where you want to go.
What does that look likeoutside of skiing, right?
What does that look like whenyou're facing something like a
cancer reoccurrence?
Well, I think it's a two-stepprocess.
(13:25):
Actually, it's not justfocusing on the path.
First, you really do need toacknowledge the feelings of
where you are.
And I've said this before inother episodes and I'll continue
to say it you can't skip thatstep, you can't skip over
acknowledging the emotions ofwhere you are.
(13:46):
If you're scared, if you'retired, if you're grieving, those
feelings need to be broughtinto the open, they need to be
acknowledged.
It's okay to sit with them fora few minutes, it's okay to
grieve the life that you'vethought you'd have, or the
future you've lost, or theenergy that you wish you had.
(14:07):
But once you acknowledge thosefeelings, then you do want to
shift focus right.
Instead of looking at themountain as this huge,
overwhelming challenge, you gotto pull your mind back to the
immediate path ahead.
What's the very next step?
You don't have to climb theentire mountain in one step.
(14:29):
You can't right, but that'swhat it feels like when you're
staring at the whole thing.
It just feels daunting andimpossible.
So instead, focus on justtaking one step.
You can ask yourself what isthe very next thing I can do?
Or what are the resources Ihave right now?
(14:49):
What do I have in my favor.
Each time your mind starts tofixate on a tree, right An
obstacle, guide it back to thepath.
Sometimes those trees might besneaky.
You might not realize they'retrees.
So I want to give you someexamples of how the obstacles
(15:09):
can sometimes be sneaky when wedon't actually realize that we
are focused on the obstacle andnot the path.
So, for me, as I was talkingabout this with my friend Ben,
when I was thinking about mybusiness, I kept focusing on the
fact that, like this week, Ionly had 10 hours to devote to
it.
That is an example of focusingon the fact that, like this week
, I only had 10 hours to devoteto it.
That is an example of focusingon the tree.
(15:31):
Focusing on the path would behow can I best use the 10 hours
that I have this week to makethe biggest impact?
What can I help with my clientswith the most right now?
Like then, I start focusing onthe path most right now.
Like then, I start focusing onthe path for my client.
Her tree was this thought Ihave to adjust to this life as a
(15:52):
single parent and I don't wantit right.
That's the tree.
The path would be somethinglike how can I learn to adjust
to this new life with kindnessfor myself and my kids, or
what's one small way that I cansupport myself.
Today, that's focusing on thepath.
So when it comes to a cancerdiagnosis, the tree might be
(16:14):
thinking about how hard it'sgoing to be, how scary it all is
, all the unknowns.
The path is focusing on what doyou have in your favor, even if
it's something small.
Maybe it's a supportive doctoror a new treatment possibility
or simply the strength in yourrelationship.
(16:34):
When you make this shift, and ifyou do it consistently,
redirect your focus to the pathyou will start to notice some
things.
You will first start to justfeel a little lighter because
when we are focused on the nextstep right, the clear path ahead
, we're not carrying the weightof the entire journey all at
(16:56):
once and without that weight youhave some more mental and
emotional space.
And secondly, you're going tohave more energy.
We spend so much energyworrying and stressing and
thinking about the obstacles, sowhen you stop doing that, it
actually frees up energy thatyou can use then to taking that
(17:18):
next step, taking action.
You'll get more actually donebecause you're not paralyzed by
the enormity of the task, by theoverwhelm right.
And the third thing is thatyou'll start to feel more
capable, because every step youtake builds momentum and it
gives you a sense of progressand you start trusting yourself
(17:41):
more and believing in yourselfmore that you can find a way
forward, no matter what.
And the reason why this worksis because when we're focused on
only the trees, we spend somuch mental energy lamenting our
problems, imagining the worstcase scenarios, searching for
(18:02):
answers that we simply don'thave yet, and that is exhausting
and it drains us before we eventake the first step right.
That is where my client was.
But when we shift to the path tofocusing on the path, a few
things happen.
First, I mentioned before, itfrees up mental and emotional
(18:24):
energy.
Focusing on the obstacles islike running uphill on a
treadmill You're pouring allthis energy and you're working
super hard, but you're secondguessing, you're dreading what's
ahead and you're not actuallygoing anywhere.
Focusing on the path, youactually step off that treadmill
and start moving forward inyour life.
(18:46):
And moving forward, takingsteps forward, even just one
step forward, also brings moreclarity.
And narrowing your focus towhat's the next step brings more
clarity.
Because when you're overwhelmedby all the challenges in front
of you.
Everything feels tangled andchaotic and it can be hard to
(19:06):
even know where to begin.
But when you focus on just thatnext step lifts the fog just a
little bit right, just enough tosee the next step.
You don't need all the answersto all the entire journey.
You just need enough clarity totake the next step and that we
can wrap our heads around.
That's much easier to wrap yourhead around, and this builds
(19:27):
momentum.
Every small step you takecreates a sense of progress.
You climb a staircase right.
One step may not feel like much, but then you take a few steps,
you string those single stepstogether and sooner, soon,
you're higher than you werebefore.
So momentum is the fuel that weneed to keep going.
(19:49):
And then, finally, this is howwe feel more in control in our
life.
When we're consumed by theobstacles, it is easy to feel
like a victim to ourcircumstances, like life is
happening to us.
But when we shift to the pathand to taking that next step,
(20:09):
that is how we reclaim our senseof agency.
We're no longer just reactingto our life, we are actively
moving through it.
It doesn't make the treesdisappear, right, but it changes
your relationship with them,they stop being insurmountable
barriers and then just becomepart of the landscape that you
(20:32):
learn to navigate around.
All right, so I want to helpyou bring this concept into real
life, because, unless you'reskiing down a tree, we're just
still kind of talking inexamples, which could be helpful
, but how do you do this in reallife?
Well, where are you focused onthe trees?
Take a moment to think aboutthat.
(20:53):
Spend the next week noticing howoften your mind focuses on
obstacles, and they might showup in different areas of your
life, perhaps in yourrelationship.
Where are you focused on whatyour partner isn't doing instead
of what they are doing?
Or where are you focused ontheir weaknesses instead of
their strengths?
(21:13):
Right In your diet or yourhealth goals?
Where are you stuck thinkingabout what you can't eat or
shouldn't eat, or what you dideat and wish you didn't?
Or the walk that you didn'ttake yesterday instead of what
can you do today?
Right In your daily scheduleare you focused on the time you
(21:34):
don't have or on how you canmake the most of the time you do
?
So start paying attention to thetrees that dominate your
thoughts and then, every timeyou notice that I'm focused on a
tree.
Here you got to redirect backto the path.
What is one thing I can doright now, or what does moving
(21:55):
forward look like in this area?
That's a great question.
What's the very next step?
So this is not about perfection, remember.
It's always about just catchingyourself when you're focused on
the obstacle and making aconscious choice to refocus on
where you want to go.
(22:16):
Because, as you know by now allof us know right Life has trees,
there's always going to betrees and personally, I do love
trees, but not the trees thatfeel like obstacles.
So, whether it's caregiving orgrief, or simply navigating the
everyday challenges of life, theobstacles are always going to
(22:37):
be there.
And now that I'm no longer acaregiver, I still have
obstacles in my life.
Right, they just change.
Our obstacles just change as wego through life.
They change, but we do and wecan get better at navigating
through them and better atcatching ourself in those
moments of overwhelm, so theobstacles don't have to be all
(23:00):
that.
You see, learning to shift yourfocus from the trees to the path
is a skill, and it's a skillthat you can practice, and when
you do that, it changes.
Changes how you perceive yourlife.
It will move you out of feelingstuck and help you start moving
forward one step at a time,cause as you keep your eyes on
(23:24):
where you want to go, you'llfind that that path starts
becoming clearer and yourconfidence in navigating it
grows.
Okay, so, this week, noticewhere you're focused on the
trees and then choose the path.
Redirect to the path, becausewhere your mind is focused it
(23:56):
really matters and it will shapeyour experience of your life.
I would love for you to share itwith someone who might need to
hear it too.
And if you want to dive deeper,or if you want help navigating
the path of life, navigatingthrough the trees, you can set
up a consultation with me.
Go to my website,coachmarikacom, and click on the
(24:18):
link to set up a consult, andwe can talk about how I can
support you in this journey.
All right, my friends, untilnext time.
Remember you are stronger thanyou think.
I'll see you next week.
Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
As I record this, it is thestart of a new year, 2025, which
is crazy.
I am getting ready to go withmy boyfriend to the Bahamas for
a week, so it's not the kind ofBahama vacation that you might
(00:20):
think of.
He actually is a professor andhe teaches a course at one of
the small islands in the Bahamasthat you've probably never
heard of.
He actually is a professor andhe teaches a course at one of
the small islands in the Bahamasthat you've probably never
heard of, and it's a marineecology course, and so he will
be there for the month teachingthis course to a bunch of
students, and I am going to goand join him for about a week of
that time.
(00:40):
So it will be a lot ofsnorkeling and learning about
marine ecology, which issomething I know pretty much
nothing about.
Anyway, I am very excited.
It will be a chance to get awayfrom the Washington winter and
rain as well and get into thesun, the tropical sun, which I
can't even imagine at this point, so looking forward to it.
(01:05):
I also wanted to share that,because I know how challenging
you life can be when you've gota partner with cancer.
It is hard and much of timefeels dark.
I can so vividly remember thiswas actually after my husband
passed away.
I remember having this periodof time where I couldn't imagine
(01:27):
feeling joy again.
That emotion just feltinaccessible to me and I
couldn't imagine ever feeling it.
And I am now at a place in mylife where I have lots of joy,
lots of things in my life thatbring me joy people, hobbies.
(01:47):
I've created a life that I loveand that at one point didn't
seem possible.
I couldn't imagine it.
So sometimes when we're in thedarkness, it is really hard to
see outside or to see beyond orto see that there is the
possibility for beyond.
(02:07):
So I want to share that withyou, because I have been in the
darkness and I am now beyond,and I want to be an example for
you to know that the darknessdoesn't always last, it won't be
a forever thing, and so I willcontinue to share a little bit
about my current life with itschallenges.
(02:30):
I still have challenges and allof those things.
The life still has the ups anddowns, but I am in a place that
I couldn't imagine at one pointin my life and so hopefully that
just gives you sometimes alittle encouragement when it can
feel very bleak.
So this is going to be a littlemore serious episode today
(02:51):
because in part it's inspired bya conversation I recently had
with one of my clients.
Her husband passed away fromcancer about six months ago
actually and she's been myclient now for probably just
about a year and she's raisingtwo young kids now on her own
(03:12):
and she is just feelingcompletely run down, emotionally
and physically exhausted andthe new year has been really
hard for her.
Celebrating the new year hasbeen really hard because she
didn't want to celebrate it, itdidn't feel celebratory, she
(03:32):
didn't want to even acknowledgeit.
She's like I don't want thisyear, I don't want what lies
ahead, and all she could see isthis uphill battle, a journey,
an arduous journey that shedidn't choose and doesn't want,
and she knew that the year aheadis just going to be more of her
(03:55):
learning how to acclimate tobeing a single parent, juggling
home and work demands and tryingto rebuild a life that she
didn't want.
She didn't want to have to gothrough these challenges and she
was just feeling tired andoverwhelmed and defeated really,
(04:15):
and I could very much relate toher feelings and I think
probably many of you out therecan Sometimes at the start of a
new year or any moment in lifewhere we maybe get a diagnosis
or a reoccurrence.
(04:37):
There are just times when welook ahead at an unwanted
journey and it feels likestanding at the base of a
mountain that we never asked toclimb and all we can see is how
steep and difficult and hardit's going to be, and it feels
(04:57):
impossible and we don't evenwant to take that first step.
So that is actually what I'mgoing to talk about today.
I want to talk about thisexperience of standing at the
base of the mountain and feelingcompletely overwhelmed and
stuck, and I'm going to share mystory and, as well, just give
(05:18):
you a few ways to think aboutthis so that you can perhaps
think about it differently andthat can help you not stay stuck
and fatigued and feelingoverwhelmed before you even
start, because there are momentsin life, especially in cancer
(05:38):
and grief, where the path aheadfeels just enormous and
impossible.
And what makes it even harder,I think, is if you've been
through something similar andyou know how difficult the path
ahead is.
The more you know, the harderit feels or the heavier it feels
(05:59):
For me.
I think I've shared this storybefore, but I want to share it
again.
One of the most vivid timeswhere this happened for me was
when my husband was in thehospital recovering from surgery
.
The doctors had just removed abrain tumor and it was his
second cancer diagnosis.
(06:19):
The first was three yearsearlier and that was a cancerous
tumor in his arm.
And back then he went throughsurgery and chemo and fought
really hard and we thought thatthe cancer was behind us, like
we could move on in life.
Well, fast forward.
That surgery to remove thebrain tumor was very successful,
(06:40):
which was the good news.
But while my husband wasrecovering from the anesthesia,
the doctors told me that theoriginal cancer from his arm had
spread to his chest.
So I was the one to hear thatnews.
I was the one to hear it kindof first, I guess, because he
(07:02):
was still, you know, recoveringfrom being sedated.
And as I was sitting there justabsorbing this, I felt
completely overwhelmed andfrustrated and defeated, because
I knew what came with thisdiagnosis.
We had already been on thispath before.
(07:24):
I knew the appointments andtreatments and uncertainty and
fear and all of that that lay atnow ahead of us, and it just
felt like this crushing weightof this future that I didn't
want.
And it wasn't just that thecancer was back, wasn't just
(07:49):
that the cancer was back, it wasjust the knowledge that our
hard fought return to normalswas gone and replaced with
another year of pain andupheaval and constant feeling of
cancer being this shadow overour lives.
And it wasn't just, I think,the grief and the shock of that
diagnosis, but it was a deepexhaustion, knowing how hard the
journey ahead would be for us,and I didn't want it.
(08:13):
I didn't want to do it, Ididn't want to be on that
mountain again and I didn't wantto start climbing it.
I just I felt stuck staring atall this obstacles that I knew
were ahead of us in that yearand I couldn't see a path
forward at that moment.
I remember finding an emptyhallway in the hospital and I
(08:35):
just sat on the floor and Isobbed and I sobbed.
I have honestly felt this way afew times since that time,
probably not as extreme as thattime was, but most recently I've
been feeling it in my coachingbusiness.
I've been running my businessnow for a while and I love
coaching and I love working withpeople who are where I was at
(09:00):
one point really facingsomething so hard and helping
them find their own strength.
I love that part, but I havealso developed an appreciation
for how challengingentrepreneurship can be.
Coaching is the heart of what Ido and I love that part, but
(09:20):
running a business also meansdoing a whole bunch of other
things.
It means marketing and sellingand solving unexpected problems
and learning how to run awebsite and staying organized
and oh yes, also coaching.
And the other day I was sittingdown to map out my goals for
(09:41):
the next three years, mybusiness goals, and as I looked
at everything I wanted toaccomplish, all I could just see
was the work ahead of me and itfelt again like standing at the
bottom of that mountain,staring at all the obstacles in
my way.
And that is when my dear friendand coach, ben who, ben Pugh he
(10:03):
coaches parents of teens he sentme a video by Simon Sinek,
which, if you haven't seen anyof his videos, they're fantastic
.
I will link it in the shownotes here so you can check it
out.
But in this video he sharesthis brilliant analogy of how
skiers navigate a tree-filledmountain.
(10:26):
When a skier stands at the topof the slope, all they can see
are trees, hundreds of trees.
And as they start to ski down,they don't focus on the trees.
Why?
Because if they do, that iswhere they will steer right into
a tree.
So instead they focus on thepath, they focus on the snow
(10:50):
right, they keep their eyestrained to the spaces between
the trees, the openings thatallow them to move forward.
And this idea isn't just uniqueto skiing.
Motorcycles have this concept.
Cyclists do the same thing.
They learn to focus on wherethey want to go, not on the
(11:12):
obstacles, the ditch or anyother obstacles around them,
because where our eye goes iswhere we will go.
But when we're feelingoverwhelmed like my client was
or like I was it's so easy tofixate on the obstacles.
We don't just see one tree, wesee all of them, every single
tree out there, every challenge,every difficulty.
(11:34):
It feels huge and it just loomsso large in our mind that it
doesn't feel like anything elseis possible.
And that's partly why it feelsoverwhelming, because when we
focus only on the obstacles, wemake them bigger in our mind and
we start to believe that thepath ahead is nothing but
(11:55):
hardship.
And of course then we feeldrained before we even begin
before we've even taken a step.
That's where my client was.
She was feeling exhausted justlooking at all the obstacles
ahead.
So it's a mindset that willexhaust us.
It's not just that we see thework, it's that it feels
(12:18):
insurmountable.
When we see it all and we'relooking at all of it, it just
feels insurmountable and we feelstuck and trapped and often we
can't even imagine how we'llever make it through.
In Simon Sinek's video heexplains part of the reason why
this what to do, why this is theway.
(12:41):
It is why our brain works thisway.
And what he says was you can'ttell your brain not to do
something.
The moment you think about whatyou don't want to do, your
brain fixates on the thingitself, not the don't part.
So if you're skiing down a hilland thinking don't hit a tree,
don't hit a tree, don't hit atree, you you're only looking at
(13:03):
trees and guess what?
Your chances of hitting one goup, because that's where your
brain is focused.
So you have to focus on the pathahead, on where you want to go.
What does that look likeoutside of skiing, right?
What does that look like whenyou're facing something like a
cancer reoccurrence?
Well, I think it's a two-stepprocess.
(13:25):
Actually, it's not justfocusing on the path.
First, you really do need toacknowledge the feelings of
where you are.
And I've said this before inother episodes and I'll continue
to say it you can't skip thatstep, you can't skip over
acknowledging the emotions ofwhere you are.
(13:46):
If you're scared, if you'retired, if you're grieving, those
feelings need to be broughtinto the open, they need to be
acknowledged.
It's okay to sit with them fora few minutes, it's okay to
grieve the life that you'vethought you'd have, or the
future you've lost, or theenergy that you wish you had.
(14:07):
But once you acknowledge thosefeelings, then you do want to
shift focus right.
Instead of looking at themountain as this huge,
overwhelming challenge, you gotto pull your mind back to the
immediate path ahead.
What's the very next step?
You don't have to climb theentire mountain in one step.
(14:29):
You can't right, but that'swhat it feels like when you're
staring at the whole thing.
It just feels daunting andimpossible.
So instead, focus on justtaking one step.
You can ask yourself what isthe very next thing I can do?
Or what are the resources Ihave right now?
(14:49):
What do I have in my favor.
Each time your mind starts tofixate on a tree, right An
obstacle, guide it back to thepath.
Sometimes those trees might besneaky.
You might not realize they'retrees.
So I want to give you someexamples of how the obstacles
(15:09):
can sometimes be sneaky when wedon't actually realize that we
are focused on the obstacle andnot the path.
So, for me, as I was talkingabout this with my friend Ben,
when I was thinking about mybusiness, I kept focusing on the
fact that, like this week, Ionly had 10 hours to devote to
it.
That is an example of focusingon the fact that, like this week
, I only had 10 hours to devoteto it.
That is an example of focusingon the tree.
(15:31):
Focusing on the path would behow can I best use the 10 hours
that I have this week to makethe biggest impact?
What can I help with my clientswith the most right now?
Like then, I start focusing onthe path most right now.
Like then, I start focusing onthe path for my client.
Her tree was this thought Ihave to adjust to this life as a
(15:52):
single parent and I don't wantit right.
That's the tree.
The path would be somethinglike how can I learn to adjust
to this new life with kindnessfor myself and my kids, or
what's one small way that I cansupport myself.
Today, that's focusing on thepath.
So when it comes to a cancerdiagnosis, the tree might be
(16:14):
thinking about how hard it'sgoing to be, how scary it all is
, all the unknowns.
The path is focusing on what doyou have in your favor, even if
it's something small.
Maybe it's a supportive doctoror a new treatment possibility
or simply the strength in yourrelationship.
(16:34):
When you make this shift, and ifyou do it consistently,
redirect your focus to the pathyou will start to notice some
things.
You will first start to justfeel a little lighter because
when we are focused on the nextstep right, the clear path ahead
, we're not carrying the weightof the entire journey all at
(16:56):
once and without that weight youhave some more mental and
emotional space.
And secondly, you're going tohave more energy.
We spend so much energyworrying and stressing and
thinking about the obstacles, sowhen you stop doing that, it
actually frees up energy thatyou can use then to taking that
(17:18):
next step, taking action.
You'll get more actually donebecause you're not paralyzed by
the enormity of the task, by theoverwhelm right.
And the third thing is thatyou'll start to feel more
capable, because every step youtake builds momentum and it
gives you a sense of progressand you start trusting yourself
(17:41):
more and believing in yourselfmore that you can find a way
forward, no matter what.
And the reason why this worksis because when we're focused on
only the trees, we spend somuch mental energy lamenting our
problems, imagining the worstcase scenarios, searching for
(18:02):
answers that we simply don'thave yet, and that is exhausting
and it drains us before we eventake the first step right.
That is where my client was.
But when we shift to the path tofocusing on the path, a few
things happen.
First, I mentioned before, itfrees up mental and emotional
(18:24):
energy.
Focusing on the obstacles islike running uphill on a
treadmill You're pouring allthis energy and you're working
super hard, but you're secondguessing, you're dreading what's
ahead and you're not actuallygoing anywhere.
Focusing on the path, youactually step off that treadmill
and start moving forward inyour life.
(18:46):
And moving forward, takingsteps forward, even just one
step forward, also brings moreclarity.
And narrowing your focus towhat's the next step brings more
clarity.
Because when you're overwhelmedby all the challenges in front
of you.
Everything feels tangled andchaotic and it can be hard to
(19:06):
even know where to begin.
But when you focus on just thatnext step lifts the fog just a
little bit right, just enough tosee the next step.
You don't need all the answersto all the entire journey.
You just need enough clarity totake the next step and that we
can wrap our heads around.
That's much easier to wrap yourhead around, and this builds
(19:27):
momentum.
Every small step you takecreates a sense of progress.
You climb a staircase right.
One step may not feel like much, but then you take a few steps,
you string those single stepstogether and sooner, soon,
you're higher than you werebefore.
So momentum is the fuel that weneed to keep going.
(19:49):
And then, finally, this is howwe feel more in control in our
life.
When we're consumed by theobstacles, it is easy to feel
like a victim to ourcircumstances, like life is
happening to us.
But when we shift to the pathand to taking that next step,
(20:09):
that is how we reclaim our senseof agency.
We're no longer just reactingto our life, we are actively
moving through it.
It doesn't make the treesdisappear, right, but it changes
your relationship with them,they stop being insurmountable
barriers and then just becomepart of the landscape that you
(20:32):
learn to navigate around.
All right, so I want to helpyou bring this concept into real
life, because, unless you'reskiing down a tree, we're just
still kind of talking inexamples, which could be helpful
, but how do you do this in reallife?
Well, where are you focused onthe trees?
Take a moment to think aboutthat.
(20:53):
Spend the next week noticing howoften your mind focuses on
obstacles, and they might showup in different areas of your
life, perhaps in yourrelationship.
Where are you focused on whatyour partner isn't doing instead
of what they are doing?
Or where are you focused ontheir weaknesses instead of
their strengths?
(21:13):
Right In your diet or yourhealth goals?
Where are you stuck thinkingabout what you can't eat or
shouldn't eat, or what you dideat and wish you didn't?
Or the walk that you didn'ttake yesterday instead of what
can you do today?
Right In your daily scheduleare you focused on the time you
(21:34):
don't have or on how you canmake the most of the time you do
?
So start paying attention to thetrees that dominate your
thoughts and then, every timeyou notice that I'm focused on a
tree.
Here you got to redirect backto the path.
What is one thing I can doright now, or what does moving
(21:55):
forward look like in this area?
That's a great question.
What's the very next step?
So this is not about perfection, remember.
It's always about just catchingyourself when you're focused on
the obstacle and making aconscious choice to refocus on
where you want to go.
(22:16):
Because, as you know by now allof us know right Life has trees,
there's always going to betrees and personally, I do love
trees, but not the trees thatfeel like obstacles.
So, whether it's caregiving orgrief, or simply navigating the
everyday challenges of life, theobstacles are always going to
(22:37):
be there.
And now that I'm no longer acaregiver, I still have
obstacles in my life.
Right, they just change.
Our obstacles just change as wego through life.
They change, but we do and wecan get better at navigating
through them and better atcatching ourself in those
moments of overwhelm, so theobstacles don't have to be all
(23:00):
that.
You see, learning to shift yourfocus from the trees to the path
is a skill, and it's a skillthat you can practice, and when
you do that, it changes.
Changes how you perceive yourlife.
It will move you out of feelingstuck and help you start moving
forward one step at a time,cause as you keep your eyes on
(23:24):
where you want to go, you'llfind that that path starts
becoming clearer and yourconfidence in navigating it
grows.
Okay, so, this week, noticewhere you're focused on the
trees and then choose the path.
Redirect to the path, becausewhere your mind is focused it
(23:56):
really matters and it will shapeyour experience of your life.
I would love for you to share itwith someone who might need to
hear it too.
And if you want to dive deeper,or if you want help navigating
the path of life, navigatingthrough the trees, you can set
up a consultation with me.
Go to my website,coachmarikacom, and click on the
(24:18):
link to set up a consult, andwe can talk about how I can
support you in this journey.
All right, my friends, untilnext time.
Remember you are stronger thanyou think.
I'll see you next week.
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