January 14, 2025 • 20 mins
In this episode, I explore the emotions behind planning for life after your partner dies of a terminal illness. This kind of planning isn’t about wanting your partner to be gone or being cold to their suffering. Instead, it’s a way to find hope, balance your emotions, and imagine a future beyond the pain of caregiving.
I’ll discuss how planning helps you cope, offering an emotional escape and something to look forward to during an overwhelming time. While it won’t take away the grief or pain of loss, it allows you to prepare for a life that still holds moments of joy and rediscovery.
You’ll hear stories of women who found solace in making plans—whether it was creating a bucket list, booking a trip, or envisioning a new chapter, when their husbands were in the final stages of cancer. These plans are not a rejection of love but a way to survive and move forward when the time comes.
As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Marika Humphreys (00:00):
And welcome back to the podcast.
As you listen to this, ifyou're listening in real time I
will be actually on a plane to asmall island in the Bahamas and
I'm super excited about that.
I have not taken a longvacation in quite some time.
So my boyfriend teaches a classfor students one of the smaller
(00:22):
islands in the Bahamas wherethere isn't much except a old
research center actually thatuniversities send students to
for research, for classes likethis, and he's going to be there
all month and I'm going to gojoin him for about a little over
a week.
So it is not luxuriousaccommodations, it's old
(00:44):
buildings and the food isn'tanything fancy.
It's like cafeteria food thatwe'll be eating, but there will
be amazing marine life and lotsof snorkeling and sun and just a
really cool experience.
So I'm looking forward to it.
Cool experience, so I'm lookingforward to it.
Okay, so let's talk abouttoday's topic, which is planning
(01:16):
for life after your partnerdies, which may sound a little
strange, but one of my goalswith this podcast is to talk
about the things we face ascancer caregivers that most
people don't understand unlessthey've gone through something
similar.
A lot of the feelings andthoughts we have are really hard
to understand ourselves, andmany times I find that my
(01:37):
clients feel guilty or bad forthe way that they're thinking or
feeling.
But having been through thismyself and having coached many
people through this time, I seea lot of trends and
commonalities, and so I want tobring some of these hidden
thoughts into the open andexplore them and help you
(02:01):
understand why you're doing whatyou're doing or why you're
thinking the way you are.
And I want to normalize theseexperiences, because cancer
caregiving is hard enoughwithout us adding additional
judgment or shame to it.
So today I'm going to talkabout something that I've
(02:22):
coached many clients throughrecently, and I think it's
something that most people wouldbe afraid to talk about with
even their closest friendsbecause they would be afraid of
being judged.
So, as I mentioned, what I'mtalking about here is planning
or even fantasizing about thelife you want after your partner
(02:43):
dies.
It's way more common than yourealize, and it doesn't mean
you're a horrible person, okay,so let's dive in.
So, as I mentioned, recentlyI've had several clients who are
facing kind of the impendingloss of their partners husbands
in this case and one of myclients I'm going to call her
(03:06):
Mary her husband is nearing theend.
About six months ago they weretold that he would just have
weeks to live, and so when atrip that she had been wanting
to take for a long time wantingto take for a long time it kind
(03:28):
of came across her radar.
She looked into it and foundthat there was a wait list for
it.
But she put herself on the waitlist and she told herself look,
if I get in, it's a sign thatthis is something I need to do.
And she did end up getting in,and because it was scheduled for
several months away a period oftime when she imagined that she
was going to be in the depthsof grieving her husband's death
(03:51):
she put down a deposit and itwas just a way to give herself
forward a few months.
And the trip is coming up andher husband hasn't passed away
like the doctors expected.
In fact he's relatively stable.
So now Mary is not only tryingto cancel the trip, but she's
(04:12):
also feeling foolish andfrustrated with herself for
scheduling it.
So I want to tell you thatmaking plans for after your
partner passes, after yourpartner passes, even if you book
a trip and put money down, itisn't foolish and in fact I
(04:36):
think it can be really importantway to stay resilient through
very difficult times.
So some examples what I'mtalking about here is making
plans for the future, when youexpect that your partner will be
gone, and for most of us,that's a time when you're
expecting to be in widowhood andgrieving, and so thinking about
or planning for trips you wantto take.
Maybe you've always wanted togo to Europe, or a big move you
(04:59):
want to make.
Perhaps you've always thoughtabout moving to a different city
or living in a different state.
Or it could simply be smallerthings, like something you
wanted to buy, maybe justchanging up certain routines you
have.
It could be planning to take aclass or learn a new hobby.
One of my clients, nancy, shebegan filling out her bucket
(05:23):
list.
It was an app she found and youcould sort of put down bucket
list things, and she did thatwhile she was sitting next to
her husband's bed in thehospital because it gave her
something to dream about, evenas she was losing her partner
and the life that they shared.
(05:43):
So what I mean is when I talkabout planning for your life
after your partner dies, isanything you do that's around
imagining a life beyond thecurrent reality that you're in
of caregiving and coping withthe weight of a terminal
diagnosis and impending loss,and I really, really want to
(06:07):
make clear that planning foryour life when your partner is
gone isn't a sign that you don'tlove them, even if you have a
strained and difficultrelationship with your partner,
okay.
Thinking about life afterwarddoesn't mean you're being cold
or detached and it doesn't meanyou're trying to rush them to
(06:28):
the grave or ignore theirsuffering.
For the clients I've had, andfor most people, especially if
you're listening to this podcastit's not about wanting your
partner to be gone.
We might think that's what itwould seem like, but that is not
at all what that is about.
It is about creating a vision,something to hold onto.
(06:49):
It is about creating a vision,something to hold onto when
everything in your life feelsbleak and like it's slipping
away.
So, quite simply, it's a copingmechanism.
It's a way to navigate theoverwhelming emotions of
caregiving and loss anduncertainty.
Coping with cancer or copingwith your partner's cancer
(07:11):
diagnosis, is often a long andarduous journey for everyone
right, and it's likely that youare tired and worn out, and so
when the end is near or at leastit seems like it's near, it is
natural to start picturing whatlife could be like without the
weight of this disease.
(07:31):
So you can be loving someonedeeply and also start imagining
a future for yourself whenthey're gone.
In fact, I would say that it'snot only okay, it's actually
really important to do, becauseit helps balance love for your
partner with the hard reality oftheir illness, right and loss
(07:54):
or impending loss, and that cangive you a lot of emotional
relief during very challengingtimes.
So why we do this?
Well, I've already talked alittle bit about it.
Right, we plan because we needsomething to look forward to.
When you're in the depths ofcaregiving, it is hard to
imagine a future that isn't justfull of grief and pain.
(08:16):
The present is hard and thefuture seems hard.
So planning something to lookforward to in that future is a
way to believe that life won'talways be this hard, that
there's more ahead than justloss and grief and pain.
Imagining the trip you'll takeor the hobbies you'll start
(08:38):
gives you hope, right For alighter chapter in life, and
that can be really precious tohave precious to have.
For the clients that I'vecoached through this, I would
say that this kind of futurefocused thinking often comes up,
most often when their partneris in their stages of illness.
(09:05):
So you're coping with thereality that the end is near and
you start naturally your brainis going to go to what is life
going to be like without them?
So fantasizing or making plansfor that future becomes a tool
to navigate the difficultreality of watching their
(09:25):
decline.
It can be a form of anemotional escape.
So, because it lets you stepout of the often relentless
emotions of the present rightthe medical decisions, the grief
, the uncertainty, thechallenges of caregiving and it
also gives you a way to believein a future, feel like a very
(09:48):
distant thing.
So in that way it is an act ofself preservation by having
something to look forward to,something that brings joy and
possibility.
It gives you an anchor for thepresent, which is probably full
of challenges and heartbreak.
I want to tell you about arecent client of mine.
(10:10):
I coached her several monthsago now.
We often talked about herrather detailed plans for her
widowed life.
She had thought about all theplaces that she wanted to go,
the things that she was going todo, the career moves that she
(10:30):
wanted to make in her business,and it was really kind of a
roadmap for her for the lifethat she wanted.
And she loved her husbanddeeply.
She would tell me he was thelove of her life, so it wasn't
like she wanted to lose him.
But she also knew that sheneeded to believe in life
(10:51):
afterward, like she reallyneeded that anchor because it
helped her believe that she wasgoing to be okay and could be
happy again.
And so he actually passed awayearlier this year and she
grieved deeply and then she gotto work on creating the next
(11:14):
version of her life and I reallythink the fact that she had so
thoroughly thought about this,this chapter, this next chapter
and what she wanted from it andpictured it, it helped her move
through grief.
It gave her something beyond.
So on the other end of thespectrum, I have also coached a
(11:38):
woman who couldn't imagine lifewithout her husband, and she was
a strong, intelligent woman.
She had grown kids and a careeras a pediatrician, but the idea
of losing her husband was sodifficult for her she literally
couldn't imagine going on.
So sometimes we're on thatextreme and that's why I say
(12:01):
it's healthy and good to thinkabout that life when they're
gone and think about it in apositive way, because the
alternative is not so good.
Right, we need to be able tobelieve in a better future for
ourselves.
It's actually a reallyimportant part of creating the
(12:22):
resilience necessary to keepgoing.
It helps you believe you willbe okay, that you will get
through and you will find yourway.
So one thing I want to mentionhere also is that, while I think
there is definitely a place forthis for future planning, I
also want to make clear, though,that it shouldn't be a way to
(12:43):
completely avoid the emotions ofthe present.
You want this kind of thinkingto be a little bit of a
distraction from the pain, right, a way to temporarily kind of
shield yourself from, sometimes,what can feel like crushing
emotions of the present.
Right, a little bit like amental vacation, imagining the
(13:06):
life where you're not weigheddown by these really heavy
challenges or consumed by, youknow, your partner's illness.
But you don't want to stay on apermanent mental vacation.
Right, it's not a strategy forgetting through the present.
Ultimately, escaping ourpresent pain just doesn't work,
(13:26):
just like all the ways that wetry to distract ourselves from
difficult emotions through food,alcohol, media.
They can work in the short termand sometimes we need to do
them in the short term, butthey're not a long-term solution
.
We still have to be willing toopen up to our emotions, but we
(13:49):
just don't want to use thoseways of escape as a way to avoid
the emotions.
And the other thing that I wantto point out and I think it can
be tempting to imagine, is thatwhen you're planning that trip,
for when you imagine that you'regoing to be in the depths of
(14:12):
grief and loss, that trip, thatamazing trip, won't erase the
pain of the loss, it won't stopthe grief from showing up and it
won't allow you to skip theprocess altogether.
I planned after my husbandpassed away, I planned a
vacation with my best friendsfrom high school for like six
(14:38):
months in advance, and it was inthe fall of the following year,
and I just wanted something tolook forward to.
But when that trip came, weactually went to Vegas for a
weekend, a long weekend, and Iended up crying the whole time
Not quite literally the wholetime, but I cried extensively
during that trip because I wasgrieving and so much of being
(15:01):
there reminded me of my husbandand what he would have loved
about it, and so I want to sharethat story from my own life to
say that I want to share thatstory from my own life to say
that all these amazing things weplan, they aren't going to help
you escape the emotions thatyou still need to go through and
(15:21):
move through.
And it doesn't mean youshouldn't do it, right, I still
was so glad that I was therewith my dear friends who all
knew my husband well and couldsupport me through that time.
I just want you to know what toexpect, right, don't expect
that you're going to be able tolet go of those emotions just
(15:41):
because you're on a beautifulbeach and the emotions won't
stay behind.
Right, we will take theemotions with us or, even if you
do manage to distract yourselffor a little while, they will be
waiting for you when you getback.
So the future plans that youhave are not a way to escape the
(16:02):
pain and the experience ofgrief and loss that you will
have.
So planning and having thosetrips or plans is a helpful tool
, but it's not an escape fromthe process.
It isn't a way to avoid griefor escape the pain of loss.
(16:23):
They won't erase the heartbreakof losing a partner or the
complexities of this transitionor the complexities of this
transition.
So when we make future plans,it isn't and it shouldn't be
about denying the reality ofwhat's happening in the present,
but rather finding a way toendure the challenges of it
(16:46):
while also believing in a betterfuture.
So I actually would encourageyou to think about life.
After what will you want to do?
What would you like to try?
What are things that you'vebeen putting off or always have
thought about?
(17:06):
And use those plans to buildyour resilience, to believe in
yourself and your strength.
You will find a way to go on.
You will navigate through thepain of loss and grief, but
don't use those plans to thinkthat you can avoid those
difficult emotions, as temptingas it may feel, and especially
(17:28):
because you've probably beendealing with challenging
emotions for a long time and areprobably worn out.
But you can't escape grief, andit's important.
It's an important process andthe quickest way out of it is
straight through it.
I remember wanting to skip itwhen my husband passed away.
(17:49):
I just wanted to skip over allthe pain that I knew was ahead
of me.
I remember thinking I wish Icould just skip this year, all
the work that I imagined it wasgoing to be to adjust to life
without him, to adjust to beinga solo parent.
But you can't skip grief, andinstead you can actually learn
(18:11):
to view that period as beautifuland sacred and something to be
embraced.
And when you can even startthinking about it that way, it
will change how you think aboutand what your vision is of the
process of going through grief.
It can be beautiful and it canbe sacred, all right.
(18:32):
So to wrap up planning for lifeafter your partner dies is not
about wanting them to be gone.
It's about surviving the nowand believing that it can be
better in the future, that youwill get through and you will
move on and find a way to findjoy and happiness again.
(18:55):
So it's a way to find hope andmaintain some sense of control
in what is a very uncontrollablesituation.
But it is a coping mechanism,right, it's not a cure.
Grief and loss will still come,but so too will moments of joy
and connection and rediscovery.
(19:16):
So when those moments come,when that time comes, I really
think those plans can help youmove forward, can help you take
the step forward.
All right, my friends, I hopethat sheds a little light on
something that is probably notsomething we like to talk about
with anybody, but is actuallyvery normal for people who have
(19:38):
a partner with cancer.
So I hope that was helpful andI will see you next week.
And welcome back to the podcast.
As you listen to this, ifyou're listening in real time I
will be actually on a plane to asmall island in the Bahamas and
I'm super excited about that.
I have not taken a longvacation in quite some time.
So my boyfriend teaches a classfor students one of the smaller
(00:22):
islands in the Bahamas wherethere isn't much except a old
research center actually thatuniversities send students to
for research, for classes likethis, and he's going to be there
all month and I'm going to gojoin him for about a little over
a week.
So it is not luxuriousaccommodations, it's old
(00:44):
buildings and the food isn'tanything fancy.
It's like cafeteria food thatwe'll be eating, but there will
be amazing marine life and lotsof snorkeling and sun and just a
really cool experience.
So I'm looking forward to it.
Cool experience, so I'm lookingforward to it.
Okay, so let's talk abouttoday's topic, which is planning
(01:16):
for life after your partnerdies, which may sound a little
strange, but one of my goalswith this podcast is to talk
about the things we face ascancer caregivers that most
people don't understand unlessthey've gone through something
similar.
A lot of the feelings andthoughts we have are really hard
to understand ourselves, andmany times I find that my
(01:37):
clients feel guilty or bad forthe way that they're thinking or
feeling.
But having been through thismyself and having coached many
people through this time, I seea lot of trends and
commonalities, and so I want tobring some of these hidden
thoughts into the open andexplore them and help you
(02:01):
understand why you're doing whatyou're doing or why you're
thinking the way you are.
And I want to normalize theseexperiences, because cancer
caregiving is hard enoughwithout us adding additional
judgment or shame to it.
So today I'm going to talkabout something that I've
(02:22):
coached many clients throughrecently, and I think it's
something that most people wouldbe afraid to talk about with
even their closest friendsbecause they would be afraid of
being judged.
So, as I mentioned, what I'mtalking about here is planning
or even fantasizing about thelife you want after your partner
(02:43):
dies.
It's way more common than yourealize, and it doesn't mean
you're a horrible person, okay,so let's dive in.
So, as I mentioned, recentlyI've had several clients who are
facing kind of the impendingloss of their partners husbands
in this case and one of myclients I'm going to call her
(03:06):
Mary her husband is nearing theend.
About six months ago they weretold that he would just have
weeks to live, and so when atrip that she had been wanting
to take for a long time wantingto take for a long time it kind
(03:28):
of came across her radar.
She looked into it and foundthat there was a wait list for
it.
But she put herself on the waitlist and she told herself look,
if I get in, it's a sign thatthis is something I need to do.
And she did end up getting in,and because it was scheduled for
several months away a period oftime when she imagined that she
was going to be in the depthsof grieving her husband's death
(03:51):
she put down a deposit and itwas just a way to give herself
forward a few months.
And the trip is coming up andher husband hasn't passed away
like the doctors expected.
In fact he's relatively stable.
So now Mary is not only tryingto cancel the trip, but she's
(04:12):
also feeling foolish andfrustrated with herself for
scheduling it.
So I want to tell you thatmaking plans for after your
partner passes, after yourpartner passes, even if you book
a trip and put money down, itisn't foolish and in fact I
(04:36):
think it can be really importantway to stay resilient through
very difficult times.
So some examples what I'mtalking about here is making
plans for the future, when youexpect that your partner will be
gone, and for most of us,that's a time when you're
expecting to be in widowhood andgrieving, and so thinking about
or planning for trips you wantto take.
Maybe you've always wanted togo to Europe, or a big move you
(04:59):
want to make.
Perhaps you've always thoughtabout moving to a different city
or living in a different state.
Or it could simply be smallerthings, like something you
wanted to buy, maybe justchanging up certain routines you
have.
It could be planning to take aclass or learn a new hobby.
One of my clients, nancy, shebegan filling out her bucket
(05:23):
list.
It was an app she found and youcould sort of put down bucket
list things, and she did thatwhile she was sitting next to
her husband's bed in thehospital because it gave her
something to dream about, evenas she was losing her partner
and the life that they shared.
(05:43):
So what I mean is when I talkabout planning for your life
after your partner dies, isanything you do that's around
imagining a life beyond thecurrent reality that you're in
of caregiving and coping withthe weight of a terminal
diagnosis and impending loss,and I really, really want to
(06:07):
make clear that planning foryour life when your partner is
gone isn't a sign that you don'tlove them, even if you have a
strained and difficultrelationship with your partner,
okay.
Thinking about life afterwarddoesn't mean you're being cold
or detached and it doesn't meanyou're trying to rush them to
(06:28):
the grave or ignore theirsuffering.
For the clients I've had, andfor most people, especially if
you're listening to this podcastit's not about wanting your
partner to be gone.
We might think that's what itwould seem like, but that is not
at all what that is about.
It is about creating a vision,something to hold onto.
(06:49):
It is about creating a vision,something to hold onto when
everything in your life feelsbleak and like it's slipping
away.
So, quite simply, it's a copingmechanism.
It's a way to navigate theoverwhelming emotions of
caregiving and loss anduncertainty.
Coping with cancer or copingwith your partner's cancer
(07:11):
diagnosis, is often a long andarduous journey for everyone
right, and it's likely that youare tired and worn out, and so
when the end is near or at leastit seems like it's near, it is
natural to start picturing whatlife could be like without the
weight of this disease.
(07:31):
So you can be loving someonedeeply and also start imagining
a future for yourself whenthey're gone.
In fact, I would say that it'snot only okay, it's actually
really important to do, becauseit helps balance love for your
partner with the hard reality oftheir illness, right and loss
(07:54):
or impending loss, and that cangive you a lot of emotional
relief during very challengingtimes.
So why we do this?
Well, I've already talked alittle bit about it.
Right, we plan because we needsomething to look forward to.
When you're in the depths ofcaregiving, it is hard to
imagine a future that isn't justfull of grief and pain.
(08:16):
The present is hard and thefuture seems hard.
So planning something to lookforward to in that future is a
way to believe that life won'talways be this hard, that
there's more ahead than justloss and grief and pain.
Imagining the trip you'll takeor the hobbies you'll start
(08:38):
gives you hope, right For alighter chapter in life, and
that can be really precious tohave precious to have.
For the clients that I'vecoached through this, I would
say that this kind of futurefocused thinking often comes up,
most often when their partneris in their stages of illness.
(09:05):
So you're coping with thereality that the end is near and
you start naturally your brainis going to go to what is life
going to be like without them?
So fantasizing or making plansfor that future becomes a tool
to navigate the difficultreality of watching their
(09:25):
decline.
It can be a form of anemotional escape.
So, because it lets you stepout of the often relentless
emotions of the present rightthe medical decisions, the grief
, the uncertainty, thechallenges of caregiving and it
also gives you a way to believein a future, feel like a very
(09:48):
distant thing.
So in that way it is an act ofself preservation by having
something to look forward to,something that brings joy and
possibility.
It gives you an anchor for thepresent, which is probably full
of challenges and heartbreak.
I want to tell you about arecent client of mine.
(10:10):
I coached her several monthsago now.
We often talked about herrather detailed plans for her
widowed life.
She had thought about all theplaces that she wanted to go,
the things that she was going todo, the career moves that she
(10:30):
wanted to make in her business,and it was really kind of a
roadmap for her for the lifethat she wanted.
And she loved her husbanddeeply.
She would tell me he was thelove of her life, so it wasn't
like she wanted to lose him.
But she also knew that sheneeded to believe in life
(10:51):
afterward, like she reallyneeded that anchor because it
helped her believe that she wasgoing to be okay and could be
happy again.
And so he actually passed awayearlier this year and she
grieved deeply and then she gotto work on creating the next
(11:14):
version of her life and I reallythink the fact that she had so
thoroughly thought about this,this chapter, this next chapter
and what she wanted from it andpictured it, it helped her move
through grief.
It gave her something beyond.
So on the other end of thespectrum, I have also coached a
(11:38):
woman who couldn't imagine lifewithout her husband, and she was
a strong, intelligent woman.
She had grown kids and a careeras a pediatrician, but the idea
of losing her husband was sodifficult for her she literally
couldn't imagine going on.
So sometimes we're on thatextreme and that's why I say
(12:01):
it's healthy and good to thinkabout that life when they're
gone and think about it in apositive way, because the
alternative is not so good.
Right, we need to be able tobelieve in a better future for
ourselves.
It's actually a reallyimportant part of creating the
(12:22):
resilience necessary to keepgoing.
It helps you believe you willbe okay, that you will get
through and you will find yourway.
So one thing I want to mentionhere also is that, while I think
there is definitely a place forthis for future planning, I
also want to make clear, though,that it shouldn't be a way to
(12:43):
completely avoid the emotions ofthe present.
You want this kind of thinkingto be a little bit of a
distraction from the pain, right, a way to temporarily kind of
shield yourself from, sometimes,what can feel like crushing
emotions of the present.
Right, a little bit like amental vacation, imagining the
(13:06):
life where you're not weigheddown by these really heavy
challenges or consumed by, youknow, your partner's illness.
But you don't want to stay on apermanent mental vacation.
Right, it's not a strategy forgetting through the present.
Ultimately, escaping ourpresent pain just doesn't work,
(13:26):
just like all the ways that wetry to distract ourselves from
difficult emotions through food,alcohol, media.
They can work in the short termand sometimes we need to do
them in the short term, butthey're not a long-term solution
.
We still have to be willing toopen up to our emotions, but we
(13:49):
just don't want to use thoseways of escape as a way to avoid
the emotions.
And the other thing that I wantto point out and I think it can
be tempting to imagine, is thatwhen you're planning that trip,
for when you imagine that you'regoing to be in the depths of
(14:12):
grief and loss, that trip, thatamazing trip, won't erase the
pain of the loss, it won't stopthe grief from showing up and it
won't allow you to skip theprocess altogether.
I planned after my husbandpassed away, I planned a
vacation with my best friendsfrom high school for like six
(14:38):
months in advance, and it was inthe fall of the following year,
and I just wanted something tolook forward to.
But when that trip came, weactually went to Vegas for a
weekend, a long weekend, and Iended up crying the whole time
Not quite literally the wholetime, but I cried extensively
during that trip because I wasgrieving and so much of being
(15:01):
there reminded me of my husbandand what he would have loved
about it, and so I want to sharethat story from my own life to
say that I want to share thatstory from my own life to say
that all these amazing things weplan, they aren't going to help
you escape the emotions thatyou still need to go through and
(15:21):
move through.
And it doesn't mean youshouldn't do it, right, I still
was so glad that I was therewith my dear friends who all
knew my husband well and couldsupport me through that time.
I just want you to know what toexpect, right, don't expect
that you're going to be able tolet go of those emotions just
(15:41):
because you're on a beautifulbeach and the emotions won't
stay behind.
Right, we will take theemotions with us or, even if you
do manage to distract yourselffor a little while, they will be
waiting for you when you getback.
So the future plans that youhave are not a way to escape the
(16:02):
pain and the experience ofgrief and loss that you will
have.
So planning and having thosetrips or plans is a helpful tool
, but it's not an escape fromthe process.
It isn't a way to avoid griefor escape the pain of loss.
(16:23):
They won't erase the heartbreakof losing a partner or the
complexities of this transitionor the complexities of this
transition.
So when we make future plans,it isn't and it shouldn't be
about denying the reality ofwhat's happening in the present,
but rather finding a way toendure the challenges of it
(16:46):
while also believing in a betterfuture.
So I actually would encourageyou to think about life.
After what will you want to do?
What would you like to try?
What are things that you'vebeen putting off or always have
thought about?
(17:06):
And use those plans to buildyour resilience, to believe in
yourself and your strength.
You will find a way to go on.
You will navigate through thepain of loss and grief, but
don't use those plans to thinkthat you can avoid those
difficult emotions, as temptingas it may feel, and especially
(17:28):
because you've probably beendealing with challenging
emotions for a long time and areprobably worn out.
But you can't escape grief, andit's important.
It's an important process andthe quickest way out of it is
straight through it.
I remember wanting to skip itwhen my husband passed away.
(17:49):
I just wanted to skip over allthe pain that I knew was ahead
of me.
I remember thinking I wish Icould just skip this year, all
the work that I imagined it wasgoing to be to adjust to life
without him, to adjust to beinga solo parent.
But you can't skip grief, andinstead you can actually learn
(18:11):
to view that period as beautifuland sacred and something to be
embraced.
And when you can even startthinking about it that way, it
will change how you think aboutand what your vision is of the
process of going through grief.
It can be beautiful and it canbe sacred, all right.
(18:32):
So to wrap up planning for lifeafter your partner dies is not
about wanting them to be gone.
It's about surviving the nowand believing that it can be
better in the future, that youwill get through and you will
move on and find a way to findjoy and happiness again.
(18:55):
So it's a way to find hope andmaintain some sense of control
in what is a very uncontrollablesituation.
But it is a coping mechanism,right, it's not a cure.
Grief and loss will still come,but so too will moments of joy
and connection and rediscovery.
(19:16):
So when those moments come,when that time comes, I really
think those plans can help youmove forward, can help you take
the step forward.
All right, my friends, I hopethat sheds a little light on
something that is probably notsomething we like to talk about
with anybody, but is actuallyvery normal for people who have
(19:38):
a partner with cancer.
So I hope that was helpful andI will see you next week.
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