April 11, 2025 • 19 mins
Siblings of people with disabilities navigate complex emotional terrain while developing extraordinary character strengths through their family experiences. Over 4 million Americans are brothers and sisters of people with developmental disabilities, forming a significant yet often overlooked population.
• The sibling relationship when disability is involved can be described as "ambivalence" - a heightened version of the normal "hugging and slugging" dynamic
• Siblings frequently experience guilt, jealousy, frustration, and feelings of isolation that need validation and safe spaces for expression
• Churches must be careful not to make siblings invisible while focusing on disability inclusion initiatives
• Despite challenges, most siblings develop exceptional patience, compassion, and empathy through their experiences
• Effective ministry requires seeing and supporting the whole family, not just the member with a disability
• Churches can provide respite care and dedicated sibling programs to create supportive communities
• It's important to ensure siblings aren't overburdened as "emotional support humans" by providing adequate volunteer support
For deeper dives into these topics, check out indispensable-people.com and the books "The Indispensable Kid" and "Gospel Accessibility and the Indispensable People" on Amazon.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, my name is Tracy Correll and welcome to
Indispensable People.
I'm a wife, mom, teacher,pastor and missionary, and I
believe that every person shouldhave the opportunity to know
Christ, grow in Him and serveHim with the gifts that he has
given, no matter their ability.
Over 65 million Americans havea disability.
That's 25% of the population.
(00:26):
However, over 80% of them arenot inside the walls of our
church.
Let's dive into those hardtopics biblical foundations,
perceptions and world-changingideas.
Hey, hey, and welcome to thisepisode of Indispensable People.
(00:51):
Today we're talking aboutsiblings, and in the United
States, somewhere between 1.2and 1.6 of the total population
have developmental disabilities.
That's a whole lot of people,and that's only developmental
disabilities.
That's not the whole gamut ofwhat we could be talking about
(01:11):
today, but, as most of thosepeople likely have siblings, so
there are at least 4 millionbrothers and sisters of people
with developmental disabilitiesin the United States alone, and
that number is larger thanpopulations of cities like Los
(01:33):
Angeles, chicago or states likeOregon, connecticut, oklahoma or
Nevada.
Now, this is also from a bookcalled the Sibling Survival
Guide and it was written quite afew years ago, so I would even
say that those numbers are much,much higher.
The author of that book.
(01:54):
It is edited by Don Meyer andEmily Hall and the foreword is
by Rachel Simon.
Again, it's called the SiblingSurvival Guide.
We're going to highlight somethings from that book today, but
we're also going to talk aboutthe realness of a sibling
relationship when you areimpacted by disability, and so
(02:18):
we're going to dive into those.
Today we're going to look atthe good, the bad and the ugly
of all of the pieces and parts,because this actual sibling
survival guide is written foradults, so those that are grown
now and have to consider whatmight happen to their brothers
(02:39):
and sisters as they get olderand what their responsibility is
in that relationship.
And I love how the book goes onto say that there is kind of a
one word description for thesibling relationship and that is
(02:59):
ambivalence.
And it's very, very funny to mebecause I feel like this is a
very common.
Every single siblingrelationship that I have ever
seen.
You have a love-hate feeling atsometimes, right, and this book
refers to that love-hate ashugging and slugging.
(03:20):
So you have that within all ofyour siblings, regardless of
their ability.
But when you put the theme ofdisability and the reality of
disability into thoserelationships, you intensify
both of those things.
(03:40):
So here's some testimonialsfrom the book that talk about
how the siblings feel.
And so, for example, I love mysister Lauren the way that she
is, but sometimes I wonder whyshe is the way that she is is,
(04:03):
but sometimes I wonder why sheis the way that she is.
My brother was in bed aftersurgery.
I had to help him.
I had to get him a bottle topee in, and I had to do it when
my friends were over and I feelguilty about that.
So like he hated it, he didn'tlike it, but he knew he had to
do it because he needed help,but he feels bad about it.
(04:25):
And then here's another one howoften have we been ignored for
the needs of our sibling?
How many of us push harder thanone would think necessary to
get our parents' attention andapproval?
So there are lots of dynamics.
So they have the guilty feeling, they have the jealousy feeling
(04:49):
.
There are also struggles offeeling kind of like the double
standard.
And I can tell you from personalexperience, not as a sibling
but as a parent of a child witha disability who their siblings
(05:09):
have said things to me.
They've told me that Noah is myfavorite.
They have said he gets awaywith things that they wouldn't
get away with.
So all of those kinds of thingsand no matter how many times I
tried to explain to them thatit's not about favorites, each
(05:33):
of them requires somethingdifferent from me and so
therefore, I have to providedifferent.
It's not that Noah gets awaywith things, but it is that he
has to experience and see thingsmaybe in a different way so
that he can understand why, orwhy not, he can or cannot do
whatever he's doing.
And so I could tell you thatthese are really really typical
(05:58):
feelings that so many siblingsare experiencing, that so many
siblings are experiencing.
For example, I have a friendthey are pastors at my local
church and the wife grew up witha brother with cerebral palsy
and she would say she would tellyou know about times where
(06:23):
they'd be out at a restaurantand you know people would look
or they would say things and shewould want to defend and it
would make her really mad thatthey would act a certain way
because of that and then, at thesame time, she had so much
jealousy and anger towards himbecause of the attention that he
(06:48):
received from her parents asopposed to what she received.
So there are just so manydifferent mixed emotions that
come through and feel, and oneof the things that we have done
previously in our respite nightswe invite the siblings to come
(07:09):
as well.
We give them a separategrouping together.
Typically it depends on ournumbers and how we can do that,
but when we have bigger siblingnumbers, we give them their own
group.
They have their own devotionaltime and kind of talk time where
they can share.
(07:29):
And I think one of the mostimportant things that we can
help them to know is that theirfeelings are real, they are not
singular and it's what we dowith those feelings that matters
(07:50):
.
And it's very much similar tothe isolation that parents of
individuals with disabilitiesfeel.
When it comes to isolation andfeeling like other people just
don't get it and so they don'treally talk about it and that
(08:11):
kind of thing.
And I think that siblings fallinto that as well.
Right, they're feeling likeother people don't understand,
or maybe they're embarrassed oftheir feelings that they're
having understand or maybethey're embarrassed of their
feelings that they're having.
But being able to validate thefact that they have those
feelings and letting them knowthat those are very typical
(08:32):
feelings that other people feelas well, that they're not alone
in it and that it is good toshare and especially speak to
their you know, share with theirparents where they're at and
how they're feeling.
And I think every siblingrelationship has those feelings
(08:54):
of I love you, I can't stand youright now, I want something
that you have, you know all ofthose kinds of things.
And it's just looking at, whatdo I do with that?
How do I work around it?
How do I, you know, move pastthose feelings and we as the
(09:19):
church can give those siblings asafe place, we can give them a
listening ear and we can makesure that they feel special and
valued and wanted, just as muchas we are intentional about
doing that with their siblingwith a disability.
(09:40):
And I think that is so very,very, very important that we do
that within the church and thatwe don't just look past that
sibling and only recognize theirsibling with a disability.
And I think of that in thesituation of like a mom when she
(10:01):
first has a baby right andpeople are beelining for the
baby and they just want to talkto the baby and they want to see
the baby and they want toexperience that kind of thing.
And we can tend to do that withpeople with disabilities
(10:24):
because we speak so often indisability ministry about being
intentional and welcoming andvaluing and making sure that
they're not left out and havingyou know the whole movement of
inclusion and making sure that'shappening within our churches
and our events and our dailyworship settings and those kinds
(10:47):
of things that we tend to leaveout the rest of their people.
And so we that sounds crazybecause we spend so much time
saying be intentional, beintentional, be intentional,
make sure that you include,don't leave out all of those
kinds of things.
But in the same vein we want tosay make sure that you see the
(11:09):
rest of their family.
Because of that intentionalityand created programs and
purposeful inclusion, wesomewhat make their family and
their siblings invisible.
So we want to bring them backinto the visibility.
We want to make sure that we areincluding them.
(11:30):
We want to again hear them,give them a safe space, make
sure that we can validatefeelings and help them to know
what to do with them.
And sometimes really the mostimportant piece of that is the
listening ear, someone to hearsomeone, to know someone to say
(11:52):
I get that, I see what you'regoing through.
I understand that that is sohard, all of those kinds of
things.
A lot of times.
They don't always want you tomake the decisions or direct
them in knowing exactly what todo, but they do want to be heard
(12:16):
and that is really, reallyimportant.
So we can talk about thisrelationship in just negative
terms, but that's absolutely notwhere we want to just land.
We want to make sure that weare building on a firm
foundation, making sure that thesibling is heard and loved and
(12:41):
welcomed and all of those kindsof things because of the
difficulty in the relationship.
But we also want to help themto see the positive things.
In this book of the SiblingSurvival Guide, it shares that
the majority of siblings wouldsay that this relationship is
(13:05):
difficult, but they would alsosay that they have learned
patience and love and compassionthat they would never have
experienced in other situations.
So there are negatives, thereare difficulties, there are
feelings of isolation and guilt,embarrassment, jealousy, all of
(13:29):
those kinds of things.
And again, we're going to hearthem, we're going to validate
those feelings, we're going totalk about what they can do with
them and even be able to opensome conversation with the
parents about this, becausemaybe the child has kept that to
(13:49):
themselves this whole time.
But we also want to highlightthat there are positives in this
relationship.
There is growing, there isexperience that will benefit
these siblings later on in theirlives and they want to know
(14:12):
that, or they need to know that.
There are two sides to everyrelationship, right, there are
the negatives and there are thepositives, and every healthy
relationship is going to haveboth, and we only become more
healthy as we see that andvalidate it and learn from it
and move on.
(14:32):
And so here is why this becomesso very important.
First of all, to have apositive relationship built on a
firm foundation that is movingin a good direction, takes away
the isolation from the wholefamily, right?
(14:53):
Right, because the more thatthe family is is separated based
on those negative feelings, themore difficult it becomes for
(15:14):
everyone, because then everyonefeels like they're living their
own path, their own struggle,and listen I don't want to say
that the sibling should carrythe responsibility of their
sibling with a disability.
That's heavy and we don't wantto put that on there.
But oftentimes, because of thenatural progression of the
relationship and the fact thatthey know their siblings so well
(15:36):
they end up becoming anadvocate.
And we don't want them to carrywith that a bitter feeling or a
you know a struggle their wholelife, where they kind of look
down or are, you know, weigheddown by that relationship.
And so we want to look at thepositive things and we want to
(16:00):
foster ways for them to engagein one another.
And, for example, we have twinbrothers that attend.
We also have twins, brother anda sister, and in both aspects
one is diagnosed with autism andone is not.
(16:20):
And when they were brought tous a lot of times actually in
both cases their parents kind ofexplained how their sibling can
help the child with autism out.
And we are very intentionalabout assigning buddies and
(16:41):
making sure that the weight ofall of that is not on their
sibling.
So we as the church can takeoff some of that.
There was another time, at oneof our respite nights, we had a
sibling group come and we weretrying to grab some information
from mom and dad and see whatbuddy they might work with best,
(17:03):
and the parent described thechild as their.
It was their sibling with adisability.
It was their support, human,emotional support, human, and I
love that siblings can be thatcaring and loving and have
(17:23):
compassion and provide for oneanother, but I also want to be
sure that they are not carryingthe full weight of that.
So we are intentional aboutproviding support through a
buddy system, through extravolunteers, through being aware
of the spaces and the activitiesthat are provided for those
(17:43):
individuals to make sure thateveryone has the most positive
experience possible.
We want to make sure that wecreate an atmosphere that is
beneficial to everyone.
So why do we do that?
Because the gospel isn't justneeded to be accessible for
people with disabilities, but wewant to make sure that the
(18:05):
gospel is accessible to theirsiblings, to their family, and
that we don't unintentionallyplace all the focus in one place
and not minister to the wholefamily.
We want to make the gospelaccessible to everyone.
Do I know everything aboutdisability ministry?
Do I have all the answers?
(18:25):
Have I done everythingperfectly?
I have absolutely not, but weare going to continue this
conversation so that people ofall abilities can have the
opportunity to know Christ, growin Him and serve Him with the
gifts that he has given them.
For deeper dives into thesetopics and more, check out
(18:46):
indispensablepeoplecom and visitAmazon to purchase the books.
The Indispensable Kid andGospel Accessibility and the
Indispensable People and gospelaccessibility and the
(19:12):
indispensable people.
Hi, my name is Tracy Correll and welcome to
Indispensable People.
I'm a wife, mom, teacher,pastor and missionary, and I
believe that every person shouldhave the opportunity to know
Christ, grow in Him and serveHim with the gifts that he has
given, no matter their ability.
Over 65 million Americans havea disability.
That's 25% of the population.
(00:26):
However, over 80% of them arenot inside the walls of our
church.
Let's dive into those hardtopics biblical foundations,
perceptions and world-changingideas.
Hey, hey, and welcome to thisepisode of Indispensable People.
(00:51):
Today we're talking aboutsiblings, and in the United
States, somewhere between 1.2and 1.6 of the total population
have developmental disabilities.
That's a whole lot of people,and that's only developmental
disabilities.
That's not the whole gamut ofwhat we could be talking about
(01:11):
today, but, as most of thosepeople likely have siblings, so
there are at least 4 millionbrothers and sisters of people
with developmental disabilitiesin the United States alone, and
that number is larger thanpopulations of cities like Los
(01:33):
Angeles, chicago or states likeOregon, connecticut, oklahoma or
Nevada.
Now, this is also from a bookcalled the Sibling Survival
Guide and it was written quite afew years ago, so I would even
say that those numbers are much,much higher.
The author of that book.
(01:54):
It is edited by Don Meyer andEmily Hall and the foreword is
by Rachel Simon.
Again, it's called the SiblingSurvival Guide.
We're going to highlight somethings from that book today, but
we're also going to talk aboutthe realness of a sibling
relationship when you areimpacted by disability, and so
(02:18):
we're going to dive into those.
Today we're going to look atthe good, the bad and the ugly
of all of the pieces and parts,because this actual sibling
survival guide is written foradults, so those that are grown
now and have to consider whatmight happen to their brothers
(02:39):
and sisters as they get olderand what their responsibility is
in that relationship.
And I love how the book goes onto say that there is kind of a
one word description for thesibling relationship and that is
(02:59):
ambivalence.
And it's very, very funny to mebecause I feel like this is a
very common.
Every single siblingrelationship that I have ever
seen.
You have a love-hate feeling atsometimes, right, and this book
refers to that love-hate ashugging and slugging.
(03:20):
So you have that within all ofyour siblings, regardless of
their ability.
But when you put the theme ofdisability and the reality of
disability into thoserelationships, you intensify
both of those things.
(03:40):
So here's some testimonialsfrom the book that talk about
how the siblings feel.
And so, for example, I love mysister Lauren the way that she
is, but sometimes I wonder whyshe is the way that she is is,
(04:03):
but sometimes I wonder why sheis the way that she is.
My brother was in bed aftersurgery.
I had to help him.
I had to get him a bottle topee in, and I had to do it when
my friends were over and I feelguilty about that.
So like he hated it, he didn'tlike it, but he knew he had to
do it because he needed help,but he feels bad about it.
(04:25):
And then here's another one howoften have we been ignored for
the needs of our sibling?
How many of us push harder thanone would think necessary to
get our parents' attention andapproval?
So there are lots of dynamics.
So they have the guilty feeling, they have the jealousy feeling
(04:49):
.
There are also struggles offeeling kind of like the double
standard.
And I can tell you from personalexperience, not as a sibling
but as a parent of a child witha disability who their siblings
(05:09):
have said things to me.
They've told me that Noah is myfavorite.
They have said he gets awaywith things that they wouldn't
get away with.
So all of those kinds of thingsand no matter how many times I
tried to explain to them thatit's not about favorites, each
(05:33):
of them requires somethingdifferent from me and so
therefore, I have to providedifferent.
It's not that Noah gets awaywith things, but it is that he
has to experience and see thingsmaybe in a different way so
that he can understand why, orwhy not, he can or cannot do
whatever he's doing.
And so I could tell you thatthese are really really typical
(05:58):
feelings that so many siblingsare experiencing, that so many
siblings are experiencing.
For example, I have a friendthey are pastors at my local
church and the wife grew up witha brother with cerebral palsy
and she would say she would tellyou know about times where
(06:23):
they'd be out at a restaurantand you know people would look
or they would say things and shewould want to defend and it
would make her really mad thatthey would act a certain way
because of that and then, at thesame time, she had so much
jealousy and anger towards himbecause of the attention that he
(06:48):
received from her parents asopposed to what she received.
So there are just so manydifferent mixed emotions that
come through and feel, and oneof the things that we have done
previously in our respite nightswe invite the siblings to come
(07:09):
as well.
We give them a separategrouping together.
Typically it depends on ournumbers and how we can do that,
but when we have bigger siblingnumbers, we give them their own
group.
They have their own devotionaltime and kind of talk time where
they can share.
(07:29):
And I think one of the mostimportant things that we can
help them to know is that theirfeelings are real, they are not
singular and it's what we dowith those feelings that matters
(07:50):
.
And it's very much similar tothe isolation that parents of
individuals with disabilitiesfeel.
When it comes to isolation andfeeling like other people just
don't get it and so they don'treally talk about it and that
(08:11):
kind of thing.
And I think that siblings fallinto that as well.
Right, they're feeling likeother people don't understand,
or maybe they're embarrassed oftheir feelings that they're
having understand or maybethey're embarrassed of their
feelings that they're having.
But being able to validate thefact that they have those
feelings and letting them knowthat those are very typical
(08:32):
feelings that other people feelas well, that they're not alone
in it and that it is good toshare and especially speak to
their you know, share with theirparents where they're at and
how they're feeling.
And I think every siblingrelationship has those feelings
(08:54):
of I love you, I can't stand youright now, I want something
that you have, you know all ofthose kinds of things.
And it's just looking at, whatdo I do with that?
How do I work around it?
How do I, you know, move pastthose feelings and we as the
(09:19):
church can give those siblings asafe place, we can give them a
listening ear and we can makesure that they feel special and
valued and wanted, just as muchas we are intentional about
doing that with their siblingwith a disability.
(09:40):
And I think that is so very,very, very important that we do
that within the church and thatwe don't just look past that
sibling and only recognize theirsibling with a disability.
And I think of that in thesituation of like a mom when she
(10:01):
first has a baby right andpeople are beelining for the
baby and they just want to talkto the baby and they want to see
the baby and they want toexperience that kind of thing.
And we can tend to do that withpeople with disabilities
(10:24):
because we speak so often indisability ministry about being
intentional and welcoming andvaluing and making sure that
they're not left out and havingyou know the whole movement of
inclusion and making sure that'shappening within our churches
and our events and our dailyworship settings and those kinds
(10:47):
of things that we tend to leaveout the rest of their people.
And so we that sounds crazybecause we spend so much time
saying be intentional, beintentional, be intentional,
make sure that you include,don't leave out all of those
kinds of things.
But in the same vein we want tosay make sure that you see the
(11:09):
rest of their family.
Because of that intentionalityand created programs and
purposeful inclusion, wesomewhat make their family and
their siblings invisible.
So we want to bring them backinto the visibility.
We want to make sure that we areincluding them.
(11:30):
We want to again hear them,give them a safe space, make
sure that we can validatefeelings and help them to know
what to do with them.
And sometimes really the mostimportant piece of that is the
listening ear, someone to hearsomeone, to know someone to say
(11:52):
I get that, I see what you'regoing through.
I understand that that is sohard, all of those kinds of
things.
A lot of times.
They don't always want you tomake the decisions or direct
them in knowing exactly what todo, but they do want to be heard
(12:16):
and that is really, reallyimportant.
So we can talk about thisrelationship in just negative
terms, but that's absolutely notwhere we want to just land.
We want to make sure that weare building on a firm
foundation, making sure that thesibling is heard and loved and
(12:41):
welcomed and all of those kindsof things because of the
difficulty in the relationship.
But we also want to help themto see the positive things.
In this book of the SiblingSurvival Guide, it shares that
the majority of siblings wouldsay that this relationship is
(13:05):
difficult, but they would alsosay that they have learned
patience and love and compassionthat they would never have
experienced in other situations.
So there are negatives, thereare difficulties, there are
feelings of isolation and guilt,embarrassment, jealousy, all of
(13:29):
those kinds of things.
And again, we're going to hearthem, we're going to validate
those feelings, we're going totalk about what they can do with
them and even be able to opensome conversation with the
parents about this, becausemaybe the child has kept that to
(13:49):
themselves this whole time.
But we also want to highlightthat there are positives in this
relationship.
There is growing, there isexperience that will benefit
these siblings later on in theirlives and they want to know
(14:12):
that, or they need to know that.
There are two sides to everyrelationship, right, there are
the negatives and there are thepositives, and every healthy
relationship is going to haveboth, and we only become more
healthy as we see that andvalidate it and learn from it
and move on.
(14:32):
And so here is why this becomesso very important.
First of all, to have apositive relationship built on a
firm foundation that is movingin a good direction, takes away
the isolation from the wholefamily, right?
(14:53):
Right, because the more thatthe family is is separated based
on those negative feelings, themore difficult it becomes for
(15:14):
everyone, because then everyonefeels like they're living their
own path, their own struggle,and listen I don't want to say
that the sibling should carrythe responsibility of their
sibling with a disability.
That's heavy and we don't wantto put that on there.
But oftentimes, because of thenatural progression of the
relationship and the fact thatthey know their siblings so well
(15:36):
they end up becoming anadvocate.
And we don't want them to carrywith that a bitter feeling or a
you know a struggle their wholelife, where they kind of look
down or are, you know, weigheddown by that relationship.
And so we want to look at thepositive things and we want to
(16:00):
foster ways for them to engagein one another.
And, for example, we have twinbrothers that attend.
We also have twins, brother anda sister, and in both aspects
one is diagnosed with autism andone is not.
(16:20):
And when they were brought tous a lot of times actually in
both cases their parents kind ofexplained how their sibling can
help the child with autism out.
And we are very intentionalabout assigning buddies and
(16:41):
making sure that the weight ofall of that is not on their
sibling.
So we as the church can takeoff some of that.
There was another time, at oneof our respite nights, we had a
sibling group come and we weretrying to grab some information
from mom and dad and see whatbuddy they might work with best,
(17:03):
and the parent described thechild as their.
It was their sibling with adisability.
It was their support, human,emotional support, human, and I
love that siblings can be thatcaring and loving and have
(17:23):
compassion and provide for oneanother, but I also want to be
sure that they are not carryingthe full weight of that.
So we are intentional aboutproviding support through a
buddy system, through extravolunteers, through being aware
of the spaces and the activitiesthat are provided for those
(17:43):
individuals to make sure thateveryone has the most positive
experience possible.
We want to make sure that wecreate an atmosphere that is
beneficial to everyone.
So why do we do that?
Because the gospel isn't justneeded to be accessible for
people with disabilities, but wewant to make sure that the
(18:05):
gospel is accessible to theirsiblings, to their family, and
that we don't unintentionallyplace all the focus in one place
and not minister to the wholefamily.
We want to make the gospelaccessible to everyone.
Do I know everything aboutdisability ministry?
Do I have all the answers?
(18:25):
Have I done everythingperfectly?
I have absolutely not, but weare going to continue this
conversation so that people ofall abilities can have the
opportunity to know Christ, growin Him and serve Him with the
gifts that he has given them.
For deeper dives into thesetopics and more, check out
(18:46):
indispensablepeoplecom and visitAmazon to purchase the books.
The Indispensable Kid andGospel Accessibility and the
Indispensable People and gospelaccessibility and the
(19:12):
indispensable people.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!