What if the key to true healing is embracing both your light and your darkness? Join me on Infinite Love with Kate as we navigate the transformative journey of healing, authenticity, and self-reflection. Together, we'll tackle the pitfalls of "faking it till you make it" and explore the profound benefits of living an authentic and accountable life. Vulnerability takes center stage as we learn to trust ourselves and balance positivity with the power to transmute darkness into light.
We'll also delve into the intricate role of the ego, examining its dual nature as both a tool and hindrance. Discover how self-awareness and emotional accountability can help manage our triggers and project insecurities in a healthy manner. This episode emphasizes the importance of teaching children to openly express their feelings and finding beauty in life's simple joys and personal growth. Reflecting on my experiences with work stress, I'll reveal how self-validation and evolving core values like honesty, respect, and empathy have redefined my understanding of success. Tune in and embrace the power of honesty, respect, empathy, and adaptability on your path to personal healing and growth.
Episode Transcript
Hey, this is Kate.
Welcome back to another episodeof Infinite Love with Kate.
Today I want to do things alittle differently.
Today I want to just bring upquestions, questions I've asked
myself along this journey,questions people have asked me,
or simply questions I'veoverheard other people in
conversations ask that havestayed with me, resonated with
(00:22):
me or simply just sat with mysoul.
The first question is is it allworth it?
Is this healing, this journey,worth it?
And honestly, if you would haveasked me years ago, I would have
struggled with the response.
But that's in part because Iwas struggling, struggling with
my thoughts, struggling with thepain, the heartache, the trauma
(00:43):
.
Thoughts struggling with thepain, the heartache, the trauma,
struggling with the good versusevil, the light versus darkness
.
Rather than embracing it all orunderstanding it all, I wanted
to know everything right thenand there I wanted to put all
the pieces to the puzzle backtogether at once, without really
ever enjoying the process, thejourney or the view.
So you see, I couldn't answerthat a couple years ago because
(01:06):
I was already knee-deep into thehealing.
I was also very uncomfortablewith sitting in the
uncomfortable, the irrational,the insecurities, the
accountability that I had totake for my life, it was so far
different than it is now.
So you see, now, is it allworth it?
My answer is simply and veryquickly yes, it is worth it
(01:29):
because I'm worth it.
My life, my happiness, myaccountability, my light and my
darkness, embracing everything,it's all worth it.
Feeling love again, within aswell as without.
Understanding the process,understanding myself, embracing
my insecurities, because I cando that and everybody should do
(01:53):
that.
We're not perfect, but if weembrace our insecurities as much
as we embrace ourselves, thenwe are perfectly imperfect.
Which brings me to my nextquestion Can you fake it till
you make it?
Well, most of my life I was.
But there comes a point in yourlife you have to ask yourself do
I align?
(02:13):
And what's the purpose offaking it till I make it?
Who am I trying to impress?
Who am I trying to convince?
I'm struggling, and it'sobvious.
So why would I hide that?
Why would I deny that?
Why would I lie to the worldwhen it wasn't working most of
my life?
You see, there's a funny way theuniverse comes back at you,
(02:34):
brings you back full circle,reminds you of why faking it
till you make it isn't quiteworking.
What's the point?
Because let's just say Icontinue to fake it till I make
it.
What am I embodying?
What am I attracting?
Who am I attracting?
Don't you see the energy youput out there is the energy you
(02:54):
receive.
So ask yourself if you are oneof those people that fakes it
till they make it.
Assess your life, assess yourfriendships, your relationships.
Assess your life, assess yourfriendships, your relationships,
assess all your connections.
No-transcript.
Do they embody the same energyof faking it till they make it,
relying on your lies anddeception?
(03:16):
Don't you see that's what it isLying, deception, all the
things I don't ever want to beanymore.
So, no, no, I can't fake ittill I make it.
In fact, I won't fake it till Imake it.
I have no problem telling you Iam broken.
If I feel broken, I have noproblem saying to anyone can I
be vulnerable with you?
(03:37):
Of course I'm going to askfirst.
I'm going to understand andknow and respect my boundaries
and if someone cannot handle it,then I respect that, I respect
their answer, but I will ask.
I won't shy away from using myvoice anymore, like I did in the
past.
I went from faking it till Imake it to just becoming silent
as I was doing the work.
(03:57):
But you see, you have to openyourself up, you have to trust.
Even when the world wasn'ttrusting you, you still have to
learn to trust, because that issomething that lies within your
own self.
It's not so much what othershave done to you, it's what
you've allowed for others to doto you, don't you see?
Flip the script, change thenarrative, identify with your
(04:19):
accountability.
Therefore, you don't have tofake it till you make it anymore
.
You can just accept what isthis healing journey isn't
perfect.
It wasn't easy, nor is it easy.
I have amazing days Hell.
My amazing days turn into weeks, but sometimes months.
But sporadically or momentarily, something just happens where I
(04:42):
feel something a little bitdeeper and it kind of knocks me
off my ass for a while.
That's okay, and if I assessmyself and know that it's too
much, it weighs too heavily uponmy soul, then I reach out to
somebody.
But if it's something that Ijust need to sit with quietly, I
do that.
I just won't fake it till Imake it.
(05:02):
Now the next question is atleast I don't think it was a
question so much as I was toldthis that I don't have to live
in this positivity all the time,true.
However, that's where theirjudgment is wrong.
You see, I enjoy the positivitybecause I feel the positivity,
and that's where it's different.
(05:23):
I'm not offended by theirremarks, as I see their judgment
is something that they haven'texperienced yet.
My positivity, my joy, is real.
I feel that Majority of my days, majority of my time, I feel
that positivity.
I am able to go within andtransmute that darkness into
light that quickly.
(05:43):
I don't sit in it for too long,I process it and understand
what's mine is mine and thenwhat isn't.
I let that go, I release andflow.
I'm able to understand anddecipher that that quickly and
that's my gift from doing thework.
So I won't shame myself for thepositivity I live in.
It's who I am and I'm gratefulfor it.
(06:05):
In fact, I love it.
But again, I'm not perfect.
But I won't flip off mypositivity to balance your
negativity.
It's your journey that you haveto experience for yourself and
figure out what it is that mylight is shining so bright and
it's driving you nuts.
Ask yourself why.
What is it within yourself thatyou desire?
(06:26):
It's not about jealousy.
It's not about comparing andcontrasting.
It's about going with it andasking yourself what is it I'm
desiring, that I can't standfrom the other person and what
they're shining through.
There's a way around everything.
If you so choose to do thatwork, if you so choose to
believe, you have the strength,the authenticity to go within
(06:47):
and truly ask yourself thesequestions and let the ego go.
The ego is our greatest battle,our biggest demise.
Let the ego go.
The ego is our greatest battle,our biggest demise.
It could be our most helpfultool or our biggest hindrance if
we allow it.
And majority of my life Iallowed my ego to shame me, to
hang out in the darkness and notutilize my gifts, and my world
(07:09):
has transformed tremendouslyover the past few years.
I love it, I love this journey,but there are demons, there are
battles, there are lessons andthere's also free will.
So what am I going to choose?
What are you going to choosethe next time you're triggered?
What are you going to do?
Are you going to go within?
(07:30):
Or are you going to mask thosepains, those irritabilities,
those insecurities and you'regoing to project them onto other
people and not take anyaccountability for your
projections, for what you trulyfeel?
Because it is okay to feelthose things, but it's not okay
to project those feelings ontoother people.
You can change all that and Ithink if the world understood
(07:52):
that, if each person couldunderstand that, starting at
such a young age, if we canteach our children that to love
ourselves, embrace the good andthe bad, embrace the fact that
we are having a rough moment,understand and communicate those
feelings, be allowed openly toexpress those feelings and not
be shamed to have those feelings, our world would already be
(08:15):
different for the better.
I honestly was not expectingthese questions to take me to
such levels, but here we are.
But to soften it up a littlebit, the next question I was
asked recently was what makesyou feel alive?
And it kind of ties it into aconversation I had with my life
coach, aka my sister, and shehad asked because I described a
(08:36):
moment, feeling euphoric.
And so to me, euphoric isfeeling alive, and I always
simply say the moments that makeme feel alive are the moments
that I find myself standingstill, without thought, without
concentration, without intention, just naturally standing still,
enjoying the moment, feelingthe vibrations, the energy, the
(09:00):
soul, the love, the emotions allaround me.
Everything feels aligned, whichthen raises the vibrations, and
that could be people, it couldbe places.
It could be situations thatarise.
Circumstances, oh god.
What else Surprises?
The element of surprise,without ever seeing it coming.
(09:22):
I was just on a vacation and Iwas able to do an amazing water
adventure for the day, and itwasn't just the adventures I
took that made me feel alive,but it was the timing.
My tourist guide took me to anoff spot, somebody he knew,
(09:44):
which then I had the luxury ofbeing the only one there, which
then elevated it to somethingeven greater, where I was on my
own private boat doing my ownprivate tours.
Something even greater where Iwas on my own private boat doing
my own private tours.
I felt that special, that alive, that unique.
In the moment, I felt soblessed to have the
opportunities where I didn'thave to battle with the crowds
(10:07):
or get in all those differentlines and wait, and not that I
wouldn't be patient for it, butit's because of all my patience,
it's because of all my work I'mdoing, that I was gifted such
an opportunity like that.
So not only my intentions wereto go snorkeling, but because it
was just me.
The owner brought out thispacket of all these different
(10:30):
activities and immediately whatwas on that activity was baby,
sea turtles, adoption andconservatory.
So, yes, of course, I've beendying to do this for years.
So then I'm looking around andI'm thinking, well, I'm here for
the day that's only about anhour and a half, and I spotted
this other unique activity ofunderwater.
(10:52):
It's not scuba diving, but youget to place your head into the
old old, original scuba gear,the tank, while you freely walk
around on the seafloor.
So, yes, it terrified mebecause I have such horrible ear
pressure, which is why I can'tgo scuba diving.
However, this provided me theopportunity to be able to pop my
(11:14):
ears underwater, so I took it,I took advantage of the moment
of the gift and I went for it.
And again, I was all on my own.
I had my own private guide andhe was amazing and the energy
was amazing and just, I feltelevated.
So those are the moments I feelalive.
And does it have to cost moneyto feel alive?
(11:36):
No, I could tell you so manydifferent times where I felt
alive, just being on the phonewith a best friend of mine and
we could talk for hours andhours and it felt like only
minutes.
Those moments I feel alive.
I could be watching my SpecialOlympic athletes make their
first basket and I feel alivebecause they're alive, they're
(11:59):
living their dream and theirexcitement, and I get to be a
part of that just by watching.
What an honor.
So it's those.
Those are the kinds of momentsthat I love, because I feel more
alive than ever.
And I feel more alive now, inthe present tense, because of
all the work, of all the healingI've done.
I've missed so many moments andI'm not regretting it.
(12:19):
But I've missed so many momentsbecause I've masked most of my
sight, most of my living, bymasking it, by hiding from it or
running from it.
So I was constantly in thisbattle, in this loop of running
and going and going and going,missing these opportunities,
these moments that could havemade me feel more alive with it.
(12:39):
That was a really good question.
I love being asked thatquestion.
The next question is what do youlove about yourself physically
and characteristically?
And I'll start off withphysically.
I love my smile.
There's something about mysmile and the fact that I smile
more now says a lot about mysmile.
There's something about mysmile and the fact that I smile
more now says a lot about myjourney.
And characteristically, I'mgoing to go with, at least from
(13:01):
how I'm taking the question isthe way I'm able to listen as
well as love within,energetically.
I love that I can take anythingthat's placed in front of me or
handed to me physically,energetically, emotionally and I
can peel back the layerswithout even knowing that I'm
(13:22):
doing it for myself or forothers, and I'm able to provide
that safe space filled with love.
Again.
Another great question and thenext question is how do I deal
with challenges?
Well, currently I shared mybiggest challenge of not feeling
aligned with my body andfinding out that I had some
massive uterine fibroids goingon and that my uterus was 20
(13:45):
times the size it should be.
Therefore, now I'm scheduled tohave a hysterectomy in a month.
That's my biggest challengeright now, but there are options
, there are results, there areanswers, which makes these
challenges feel less challenging.
I don't know if that's really aword, but we're going to go
with it.
So, in that moment, when I wastold or given a rundown of
(14:11):
everything that I was going to,that was going to transpire with
my surgery, I processed it, Ilistened.
It was a lot and I wasinundated with a lot of
information, but I was alsoreflecting upon something of a
past memory shared with my bestfriend, who allowed me to
experience her first pregnancy,my first nephew, and because of
(14:35):
this memory I was filled withall these beautiful emotions so
as well as filled withoverwhelming emotions too.
So I sat in my car and I calledher up because I knew I was
going to have kind of abreakdown, I was going to become
very vulnerable and I had askedher can I express my
vulnerability with you?
(14:55):
And then I just poured outbuckets of tears.
But it's these moments now thatI'm able to communicate, in
those moments, what I'm feelingor that I need assistance, or
can I be vulnerable with you?
I express that, and I may notalways have the response of sure
, yes, of course I may havepeople that might say I don't
(15:19):
have time right now, you know,and that rejection will come up.
But I won't feel rejectedanymore because I respect
boundaries and I also respectthe universe's way of telling me
right person, wrong time orwrong time, wrong person to
share what I need to share withyou know, and I always feel very
protected by universe.
So I look at it, I'm able totransmute everything into a
(15:42):
beautiful, positive blessing,and that's what I love about
challenges is because my gifthas become greater because of
challenges, because I've done somuch inner work, shadow work,
that challenges, when they doarise, I handle them so far
different, so far better,greater, that I'm so proud of
(16:05):
myself for how I handle things,which alleviates the anxiety,
the stress, the emotions, thefear, and allows for continued
growth and love and positivityto come through.
So that's pretty much how Ihandle my challenges.
I sit with it.
And when I am overwhelmedbecause don't get me twisted
(16:25):
there are times though I meanunfortunately there are times
that we get caught up in amoment or something happens
abruptly that kind of takes usout of our element, right Fight
or flight.
So there are moments that canhappen, especially for me it
would.
So there are moments that thatcould happen, especially for me.
It would happen more so whenI'm at work.
You know, in your mind'sthinking of a thousand things
like my students are always mypriority.
(16:46):
My students, my staff, thewhereabouts, everything.
You have to think abouteverything and it has to be
thought of over and over andover again until you go home and
you're able to just decompress.
So in those situations I mayget caught up and I may have a
reaction instead of a response,and then I have to process that
moment because there's somethingin that moment that I have to
(17:09):
learn for myself.
So that's pretty much how Ihandle it.
I sit with those emotions, Isit with whatever it is I'm
given and I honestly I do wellunder stress, as shocking as
that can sound or seem.
For some reason, depending onthe situation and scenario not
always.
I've had moments in my past wayin my past, when a very unhealed
(17:31):
version of me, where I wouldjust shut down inside crocodile
tears would come out and myvoice would become high pitched
and I'd be very snappy withwhatever porcelain was in my way
.
That was how I used to handleit way back in the day.
So now I don't really tend todo that.
I may snap here and there ifI'm pushed to a boiling point,
but that rarely happens.
(17:53):
I don't even know.
If it does.
I'd like to say it doesn'thappen anymore.
But I'm human, so I'm not goingto put myself on this pedestal
of perfection.
Ooh, and then this goes into thenext question of how do you
define success?
Success is when you feelaligned with it and without.
To me, success is not theaccolades, not you feeding my
(18:15):
ego, not the validations.
Success for me is I validate mysuccess.
I am proud of myself.
It could be for the most minute, tiniest little thing to the
grander scale of things.
My success is the validation Igive myself in those moments
(18:35):
when I feel pride, when I feeleuphoric, when I feel the
abundance of love within notfrom others but from my own self
for the success I have givenmyself.
That, to me, is what success is.
That's a really good question.
Moving along to what core valuesguide your actions?
(18:58):
That's a very, very in-depthquestion.
I'm going to keep this answersomewhat basic only because we
can peel back so many layers tothis question, as there are so
many core values that areinstilled within you that you
follow or that you've learnedalong the way.
(19:19):
Would I say that my core valueshave changed over the years?
Most definitely Would I havethought I aligned with the core
values I had instilled in megrowing up?
Yes, but somewhere along theway, when I lost myself, I also
lost alignment with those corevalues.
So my top core values I wouldsay I've followed along,
(19:42):
utilized and instilled within mealong this healing journey, is
honesty, respect, accountability, empathy, trust and
adaptability.
Now I'm going to peel back alittle bit on each one, but most
likely you'll get the gist ofit just by what I've shared.
Honesty is key for me.
(20:04):
If I can't be honest withmyself, then I definitely can't
be honest with all of you.
And that was a tough battle tolearn which draws in
accountability.
I have to take accountabilityfor my lies and my deception
along the way, coming from avery unhealed, insecure place
which then goes into respect.
(20:24):
Along the way I stoppedrespecting myself, which, in
fact, when I started realizingthis is also the time I learned
that I was gay I wasdisrespecting my body, self, the
more I was open to receivingnew lessons in healing, allowing
(20:57):
healing to come in within me.
So that was its own greatawakening in itself.
Empathy I've carried empathythis entire way.
I did not carry empathy formyself as much as I could hold
empathy for others, andsometimes I lack the boundaries
(21:18):
to then release all this emotionI was carrying with me from
other people that I allowed intomy life, and this goes into
trust, which they all tietogether in a way.
You know I am very trusting ofother people with my heart and
soul to an extent that it alsocauses damage to myself, because
(21:42):
sometimes I'm very trusting topeople who, unfortunately, are
so unhealed that they can'ttrust you.
And there's nothing worse of apain than when you feel that
energy of someone that can'ttrust you because they can't
even trust in their own selves.
So that becomes its own battleand journey which then separates
(22:03):
you from your relationships,from your connections, from your
friendships.
Because when you feel that theother person can't trust you and
there's nothing you can do orsay about it, it's something
they have to learn on their ownwithin their own healing journey
.
And again free will comes intoplay.
You have to simply let go,otherwise it becomes very toxic.
That connection To the lastthing, which is adaptability and
(22:26):
this ties along with just mebeing a special ed teacher.
It's a gift I've always carriedalong with me silently had I not
known this gift until later inlife that I am very adaptable to
the environment, to thecircumstance, and this is
because of my upbringing andliving in and out of a hospital,
to the circumstances around meand the people that are thrusted
(22:49):
into my life and out of my life.
I've had to become veryadaptable to these situations.
However, it has also shown methat I also have to heal these
emotions that I hang on to, thatI hung on to for so long.
It carried that pain with me,which is kind of what stalled my
healing in the first place.
(23:09):
It's because of my adaptability.
I would become too adaptable toeverything and not release
anything.
See, when you walk away from asituation, you let it go.
So when you leave work, youleave that work behind you.
You don't take it home with you.
That is not healthy for you, orfor your spouse, or for loved
(23:32):
ones, or for friendships, foryourself.
If an environment is toxic, youhave to remove yourself from
that environment, otherwiseyou're bringing that energy with
you wherever you go and thenthat energy pours onto somebody
else.
You see the mad cycle that wecreate.
It's all right there.
Within our own hands, our ownselves, we carry these tools and
(23:54):
resources and knowledge, butsometimes for instance me I mask
everything in my past.
Therefore, I was blinded by anyof this knowledge.
So this would be my core values.
There are still so many more,but I would say that these are
truly my core values that Icarry with me to this day.
I just want to share that.
(24:15):
I'm having a divineintervention moment, because I
just realized that my episodewas going a little bit longer
and there's still so many morequestions to answer, but I'm
going to have to make a part two.
So stay tuned for next week'spart two of these amazing,
in-depth, soul-searchingquestions I've been asked or
have recently come across thathave kind of lingered within my
soul to respond to.
(24:36):
But before I go, the divineintervention was this I received
a text from my Xfinity lettingme know that they're going to
cut off the Wi-Fi and do somework.
Just as I was realizing I wasgoing over my minutes, I had
looked outside and there wasthis whole crew outside my
window ready to clearly takeapart and destroy the Wi-Fi and
(24:56):
the cable throughout ourneighborhood.
So divine timing is in play,which means I get to go ahead
and go pick up my car because Igot brand new tires.
So I feel safe for the winterand I'm ready to go.
But with that being said, I wantto thank you so much for
sitting with me and asking methese questions, whether it's
(25:17):
because we were out and aboutand we decided to just have a
great conversation, or whetherit's something that you shared
across social media and I justhappened to really find your
questions intriguing.
These are the kinds of things,the kinds of conversations I
love to have with people is whenyou can peel back the layers
(25:39):
and really dive deep within yourown self and get to know
somebody else.
So, before I share anythingelse or anything more, I want to
thank you and tell you to goahead and ask yourself these
questions that I shared with youout loud today.
Dive deep, write in a journal,express it out loud, communicate
it to somebody, but find thatmoment within time to sit with
(26:02):
yourself and do some beautifulreflection.
Until next week, have anamazing day.
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The Burden
The Burden is a documentary series that takes listeners into the hidden places where justice is done (and undone). It dives deep into the lives of heroes and villains. And it focuses a spotlight on those who triumph even when the odds are against them. Season 5 - The Burden: Death & Deceit in Alliance On April Fools Day 1999, 26-year-old Yvonne Layne was found murdered in her Alliance, Ohio home. David Thorne, her ex-boyfriend and father of one of her children, was instantly a suspect. Another young man admitted to the murder, and David breathed a sigh of relief, until the confessed murderer fingered David; “He paid me to do it.” David was sentenced to life without parole. Two decades later, Pulitzer winner and podcast host, Maggie Freleng (Bone Valley Season 3: Graves County, Wrongful Conviction, Suave) launched a “live” investigation into David's conviction alongside Jason Baldwin (himself wrongfully convicted as a member of the West Memphis Three). Maggie had come to believe that the entire investigation of David was botched by the tiny local police department, or worse, covered up the real killer. Was Maggie correct? Was David’s claim of innocence credible? In Death and Deceit in Alliance, Maggie recounts the case that launched her career, and ultimately, “broke” her.” The results will shock the listener and reduce Maggie to tears and self-doubt. This is not your typical wrongful conviction story. In fact, it turns the genre on its head. It asks the question: What if our champions are foolish? Season 4 - The Burden: Get the Money and Run “Trying to murder my father, this was the thing that put me on the path.” That’s Joe Loya and that path was bank robbery. Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank. In season 4 of The Burden: Get the Money and Run, we hear from Joe who was once the most prolific bank robber in Southern California, and beyond. He used disguises, body doubles, proxies. He leaped over counters, grabbed the money and ran. Even as the FBI was closing in. It was a showdown between a daring bank robber, and a patient FBI agent. Joe was no ordinary bank robber. He was bright, articulate, charismatic, and driven by a dark rage that he summoned up at will. In seven episodes, Joe tells all: the what, the how… and the why. Including why he tried to murder his father. Season 3 - The Burden: Avenger Miriam Lewin is one of Argentina’s leading journalists today. At 19 years old, she was kidnapped off the streets of Buenos Aires for her political activism and thrown into a concentration camp. Thousands of her fellow inmates were executed, tossed alive from a cargo plane into the ocean. Miriam, along with a handful of others, will survive the camp. Then as a journalist, she will wage a decades long campaign to bring her tormentors to justice. Avenger is about one woman’s triumphant battle against unbelievable odds to survive torture, claim justice for the crimes done against her and others like her, and change the future of her country. Season 2 - The Burden: Empire on Blood Empire on Blood is set in the Bronx, NY, in the early 90s, when two young drug dealers ruled an intersection known as “The Corner on Blood.” The boss, Calvin Buari, lived large. He and a protege swore they would build an empire on blood. Then the relationship frayed and the protege accused Calvin of a double homicide which he claimed he didn’t do. But did he? Award-winning journalist Steve Fishman spent seven years to answer that question. This is the story of one man’s last chance to overturn his life sentence. He may prevail, but someone’s gotta pay. The Burden: Empire on Blood is the director’s cut of the true crime classic which reached #1 on the charts when it was first released half a dozen years ago. Season 1 - The Burden In the 1990s, Detective Louis N. Scarcella was legendary. In a city overrun by violent crime, he cracked the toughest cases and put away the worst criminals. “The Hulk” was his nickname. Then the story changed. Scarcella ran into a group of convicted murderers who all say they are innocent. They turned themselves into jailhouse-lawyers and in prison founded a lway firm. When they realized Scarcella helped put many of them away, they set their sights on taking him down. And with the help of a NY Times reporter they have a chance. For years, Scarcella insisted he did nothing wrong. But that’s all he’d say. Until we tracked Scarcella to a sauna in a Russian bathhouse, where he started to talk..and talk and talk. “The guilty have gone free,” he whispered. And then agreed to take us into the belly of the beast. Welcome to The Burden.