November 13, 2024 • 37 mins
Disclaimer...With permission, this episode is shared from Maria Aponte's podcast Against All Odds, The Less than 1%. I was blessed with the opportunity of being a guest on her beautiful, inspiring podcast. Go check out her links, listed below!
What happens when society’s judgments and the silence of a pandemic collide to reveal deep-seated truths? Kate joins us to share her powerful journey of living with Crouzon syndrome and the societal pressures that have shaped her self-worth. Through heartfelt conversations, Kate opens up about the transformative power of acknowledging and embracing all aspects of oneself, even anger, as a form of protection and validation. Together, we explore how self-compassion leads to self-love and the understanding that it’s okay not to be okay. Kate’s story is a beacon of hope for anyone navigating the path of self-discovery amidst life’s dualities.
Witnessing the growth and resilience of loved ones can be a life-altering experience. We dive into the emotional voyage of a parent watching their teenage daughter mature while dealing with personal medical challenges. The episode highlights the importance of modeling authenticity and emotional transparency for the younger generation, showing that vulnerability can be a source of strength. We reflect on overcoming the emotional and physical scars left by life-altering surgery, emphasizing the power of genuine connections and sharing one's truth for healing. This story serves as a reminder of the profound impact supportive figures can have during life's toughest times.
In the midst of adversity, Kate’s journey shines a light on the strength found through creativity, introspection, and the unwavering support of loved ones. Sharing her past traumas, including abuse and infertility, she reveals how embracing her story has empowered her to be a voice for others. Inspired by simple pleasures and morning rituals, Kate invites us to discover the empowerment that comes from putting ourselves first. Ending on a note of gratitude and love, this episode celebrates the soulful connections that emerge from sharing healing journeys, inviting listeners to experience the transformative power of vulnerability and authentic expression. Tune in and join Kate and Maria in this heartfelt exploration of self-worth, resilience, and the beauty of human connection.
To enjoy the full LIVE version go to my YOUTUBE Channel @KateGootz
Thttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/against-all-odds-podcast-the-less-than-1-chance-with/id1689802959?i=1000676168996
Connect with Maria
https://www.youtube.com/@mariaaponte1111/featured
https://www.instagram.com/maria.t.aponte/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, hey, hey.
Welcome back to Infinite Lovewith Kate.
I have a little special for youthis week.
I was lucky enough to be aguest on Against All Odds
podcast, the Less Than 1%, withMaria Abate, and today, today,
I'm going to share thisbeautiful collaboration because
(00:22):
it didn't feel like an interview.
I didn't even feel like a guest.
I felt like two souls that haveknown each other for so long
and the vibe was just right.
Divine timing was just right.
I never felt more comfortablein a position of being a guest
speaker for someone as I didwith Maria.
So please sit back and enjoy asyou get to listen in on two
(00:44):
souls talking about our past,our present, our dualities, our
healing.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Hey, hey, welcome back to Against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I hope you are doing fantastictoday.
I am so excited to bring thisguest on.
I just chatted with her alittle bit before we started
recording and, yeah, I feel likewhen you meet somebody that is
(01:11):
like, oh, you were like totallymeant to be in my atmosphere, I
felt that here with her, solet's just jump in.
So Kate was born with Crouzonsyndrome.
It would be a genetic mutationor the role that would send her
life into a downward spiral.
She began chasing an identitywhile slowly losing her
(01:33):
self-worth and love for herself.
She began to wear many masks toavoid the feelings and then the
pandemic happened and she wasfaced with her ultimate fear
Silence.
I think we were all in thatkind of like oh my gosh, what
are we going to do?
Because we don't have anythingbut us now.
But with that, she had choices,right?
Does she take the time tolisten to her inner child
(01:53):
screaming at her, or does shefind other ways to escape, avoid
and run from these problems andliving a life that she no
longer aligned with?
So, kate, welcome, I'm soexcited to have you on.
Give us an idea of how yourAgainst All Odds story started.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Well, first, thank you for having me.
Yeah, and I love the intro andI truly reflect and feel the
same way Divine timing anddivine purpose of alignment, of
people getting brought together,just it's so synchronized and I
just feel like that's where myjourney is nowadays.
So that made me even bigger,because I was like see, I like
it.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
It's for real, we both feel the same.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
It's living proof.
And I guess where my lightbegan as a child it was so
different.
Obviously I was two when Ichanged forever in a day and I
was too young to remember.
But what was instilled in me,what was conditioned into me
afterwards, was what took me ona downward spiral, because it
was my, I would say, angelic,inner, loving child that just
(02:54):
saw life as just pure love andkindness.
And then there was the noise,the verbal abuse of society
judging me and looking at me,and that was out of my control
which that kind of taught methat I had to have control in
something, even though I waslosing control and everything,
and that for me was a fear,because that silence brought
(03:16):
chaos in my head.
You got your devil living onyour shoulder and you're you
want to see good in everyone,but then you're feeling all the
bad of everyone and it's likebut not everyone's bad, and it
was just a battle and it's aninternal struggle for real but
it denoises your own ego.
Yeah, and that's the craziestpart, because you think it's a
child talking to me it's yourinner child telling you.
(03:39):
Pull back those intuitions thatI didn't really ever listen to,
or walk away or build up.
Those affirmations of whatthey're saying is not true.
Don't believe it.
Don't believe it untilobviously it was just much later
in life and you're like god.
That's a lot of work you haveto do.
Yeah, I don't like to say fix,because they are broken pieces
of us, but they're bruisedpieces and that's where I'm
(04:00):
learning that compassion is like.
You're not broken, you were.
You just dealt with a lot ofstuff that now you get to make
that healthy choice of lovingeven more, because now I'm in
darkness and my light.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Yeah, I think that it's.
That's beautiful for manyreasons, but mostly when we
figure out that all of thosedifferent parts of us are there
somehow or another to protect ussomehow or another to love us.
They all have a purpose.
So that anger in us is who?
The part of you that sees yourworth better than any?
(04:36):
But any other part of youbecause if they're angry it's
usually because of some type ofinjustice that they that you
know that you're worth more thanthat, and they're the ones that
stand up.
They're like nope, this is.
I'm like sounding the alarm.
This is not okay and we tend topush those feelings down and so
(04:58):
profound when we just haveempathy for those feelings and
give them validation and sayit's okay, I've got me for being
there yeah and I think that wasthe biggest thing was learning
it's okay to not be okay.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Yeah, I wasn't okay.
That I just didn't want mystory to overshadow somebody
else's grief, like it was justthat I was that big but small.
How I played that role isbecause it was like my somebody
has it worse than me.
Yeah, always have it worse thanme.
So I need the whole compassionfor them.
But that also deflects what Ineed to do with myself yeah, not
(05:34):
knocking a man or two.
Yeah, it's what was conditionedto me.
That was a reminder for myfamily and not by any means of
hurting me, but it was to remindme like you are lucky and I'm
like I am lucky, family, youknow, I was raised in a great
neighborhood that loved me andembraced me where it could have
been worse and instilled thosethoughts in my head.
But it also pushed away thescreaming pains of I, I'm broke,
(05:56):
like I'm broke, and I feel hurt, I'm in pain, I'm only eight or
I'm only sick.
I'm feeling all these feelingsand I don't like the way the
world's treating me.
How do I fix that?
But it's like I gotta fix meand it's just like.
But you don't know how to saythat as a child.
So that's where I just silentlybattled.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Yeah, they're always reflected strength and
positivity yeah, yes, and people, I feel like that's sometimes
the toxic positivity, right,that we are.
Oh, we have to be positive,even if we're like feeling we're
dying inside.
No, it's okay to acknowledgethose feelings we're crumbling
inside and react to it in apositive way.
(06:35):
So I think there's differencebetween like, oh, the sky has
got rainbows and sunshine andit's like gloomy and everything
outside right.
I think that you can't justcover your the sun with your
hand like it just won't go away,like that.
I think that we have toacknowledge that it's gloomy,
but that gloominess like there'sgonna be another day with
(06:57):
sunshine and rainbows and butter, like all of that I think
that's where we get.
So, because I used to be thetoxic positive, oh, it's okay,
everything happens for a.
Because I used to be the toxicpositive, I don't know, it's
okay, everything happens for areason.
And I wasn't acknowledging theparts of me that needed to be
validated for feeling what I wasfeeling, that needed to feel
acknowledged and loved and notjudged for feeling the ways.
(07:19):
And then, once I learned thatit isn't about like, everything
happens for a reason, I thinkthat we could find purpose and
meaning behind everything, and Ithink that's where things start
to shift.
If I can go through all thethings that I went through and
you can go through all thethings that you went through and
find a purpose and a meaningbehind it, it's different than
having a reason for it to happen.
(07:40):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I feel like I'm like having a mirrored reflection.
You're just me right now and itis.
It's the mind shift, but it wasdoing the work.
Yeah, get to that mind shiftand I was the same way.
I'm just sitting here listening.
I'm just staring at myselflistening to it.
This is awesome.
Good job, kate.
Like good as you're, as I'm soproud of you.
(08:03):
I'm like good job, kate, likethis is where you're at, like
wow, four years ago it was apandemic?
could I picture this?
No, I didn't know saw it's likedrowning in depths of water and
you slowly see the sunlightfade away, because the further
you sink, the darker it gets andyou lose that hope.
And in all my life I held on tohope, but that was where the
(08:27):
surgeries went wrong, which Iwas chasing the surgeries to fix
the outer, but really it wasthe inner.
I can't do anything to changemy outer appearance, love my
outer appearance.
But how do I do that?
First I gotta go with it andlove everything about me, which
means my darkness, my toxicparts of me, because they were
there and you said itbeautifully it's like they're
(08:47):
there to protect you.
That ego is there.
It's like we can't shame ourego, our ego, our ego is what
kind of for me at least, is whatgot me through those really, of
being pulled away from yourmother who takes care of you in
and out of the hospital, butbeing pulled away into another
surgery where they just kind ofde-degarm you and you're just
vulnerable and naked and afraidand there's nobody there,
(09:10):
because no doctor I ever feelhas that sense of compassion in
the operating room.
But they are, yeah, they have ajob to do and they're gonna get
that job done always highlightnurses and their empathy and
their love and that's who Iconnect with, because that's who
I am and it's like I've hadmany nurses come and see me
shaking and tears just gettingbigger and bigger my eyes and
(09:31):
they'll hold my hand like my momwould be doing.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Yeah, they were that extended, they were like those
little angels that that haven'tsent, hey motherly intuition it
has and I praise all nurses.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
I have never experienced even a nurse on a
bad day.
I still praise because I seeright through it they're not not
being seen or validated fortheir hard work, and they have
to go home with all that andthen be a mom or a wife or
anything, and yeah, it's just alot and you can feel all that
intensity and then you say, likeI understand why you're having
a bad day.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Yeah, that's you over a doctor?
Because my experiences withdoctors is totally opposite so
can you give us a little bit ofbackground on what exactly is
this syndrome and what ittranspired in your childhood?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
so carousel syndrome is a genetic malformation of 1g,
just 1g mutated, and what thatmeans for me is the bones in my
skull were fused together sothere was no soft spot.
So then, as I'm growing, mybrain's developing, it can't
expand, which was obviouslybecome detrimental to eyesight,
hearing, brain damage or deathand so they have to back.
(10:42):
Then and this is the other hardpart is because what we were
talking about healing andeverything else is in 1980s.
People don't talk about theirfeelings, people do all that
sharing.
So that plays another vitalrole in, like crazy how you
think of it that way, where Ilove this generation, the
younger generations, becausenothing's stopping them and no,
and they tell you they will,everything my nephew is in sixth
(11:03):
grade.
This is like.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I feel this right now oh, yeah, right, I said my
youngest daughter.
She's 15 and she's still ateenager, so she has her moments
.
However, when I go with her toa counseling appointment or
whatever, I'm just blown away.
I'm how do you even know how toexpress this?
I didn't even learn this untilI was an adult.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
But you fear that to her, which is amazing.
That's the beautiful gift ofwatching your growth.
Your daughter sees thatreflection and then becomes that
.
Which is what our kids needmore of is more, not even just
positive reflection, but growthand understanding and
acknowledgement of authenticityand transparency, just truth
with themselves.
(11:47):
Like I'm not okay, okay, well,I see that, thank you for
sharing.
Like, oh my god, this adultjust told me they're not okay
and it's okay to not be okay.
Yeah, so in order to go back, soI had the surgery it was
supposed to be.
Now it's like a one, two, threesurgery, or it's the halo, and
I'm not sure if you've ever seenyoung children with the halo.
It's like a one, two, threesurgery, or it's the halo, and
I'm not sure if you've ever seenyoung children with the halo.
It's like they put this verybarbaric contraption but it
(12:09):
pulls their face forward veryslowly, meticulously, without
any repercussions or damage, andit's actually.
The results are amazing when Isee, with technology, we didn't
have that.
Unfortunately, the CAT scan justcame out.
Have that?
Unfortunately, the cat scanjust came out when I was limited
.
But my doctor was a part ofthis whole new program where
(12:30):
they teamed up with otherdoctors from other hospitals,
which was never done before, andthere was only three doctors
that specialized in craniofacialsyndromes, two in chicago, one
in texas and I just happen tohave the pick of the litter is
what I call it and he wanted topromote it.
So he had the news, everything.
So it lied within his ego.
It was more about him, notabout me or anyone else.
(12:52):
It was about him.
And so we had the surgery 19hour surgery and he pulled my
face entirely forward like ahockey mask.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Pulled so hard that it just snapped back and
shattered every bone in my face.
So hard that it just snappedback and shattered every bone in
my face.
But he closed me up and told myparents everything went
smoothly and left me to die,basically.
So I had an angel that day withme and forever I'm grateful.
I wish I had her number becauseI would love to find her.
I've been trying to search forher.
I know she lives in Michigan,but that's as far as I've gotten
(13:21):
so far in my search.
But she was a counselor, agenetic counselor.
So basically, if you learn thatyour child has cancer or
anything else, agree, like Icall the grief counselor in a
way, yeah, teach the parents ofwhat to expect.
She was asked to watch thesurgery.
So she got to sit in on thesurgery, which is never, ever
done before and it's a female,and so because she got to watch
(13:44):
it, she chose her soul or hercareer.
And she chose her soul and toldmy parents, ask a lot of
questions and then got fired forit, obviously because there was
a lawsuit, but he didn't haveto do, he didn't lose his
license.
That's all my parents wantedwas for him to lose his license
but he just he went on to dowhatever he did.
But I held a lot of angerbecause my parents did.
I was young.
(14:10):
So it was like transferred toyou, totally transferred,
because that was too.
I didn't know the man, but Iwas angry as I was chasing these
surgeries trying to fix what hebroke.
But unfortunately, when heclosed me up, there was staph
infection.
There was MRSA eating away allthe bones that were left.
So there wasn't much to workwith and the more surgeries you
have, the more scar tissue youhave to deal with.
It becomes one painful, but twojust difficult, because now you
(14:31):
can't really create anythingfrom scratch.
So you've got plates andeverything else and it was.
It was tough for my doctor whosaved my life, but he did a
great job and I I just finallyrealized I think I was 21 I was
like I can't keep doing this.
When I was at the lowest of mylows.
I'm like these surgeries arenot giving me the results I
desire and people keep promisingme these false promises and I'm
(14:53):
just holding on so tightly tothose thoughts and at least I've
done.
My body cannot take this like Idon't, even even at eight.
I stopped at eight and I toldmy parents I'm like I just want
to be a kid.
I missed a lot of school andI'm like I just want to be a kid
.
But then puberty hit and I waslike I don't ever want to feel
like that, never again.
Puberty like allowed all theseemotions to come, allowed my ego
(15:16):
basically to just go rar and itwas and everyone that dealt
with me was just like I don'tknow what to do with you.
Like I, I don't know what I canoffer you.
Counselors, like our schoolcounselor, had no clue what to
say to me.
It was as if they were taughtthis.
I just was blown away.
I'm like how is this your job?
But yet you don't.
I'd like question myself likeam I that different looking?
(15:39):
Am I just?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Yeah, why can't they help me if they help others?
It's not fair.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
People who have burned or anything else.
I'm like how do they getthrough life?
Like, why am I?
But I just kept attackingmyself over and over.
It was, yes, that just grew.
And then teenage years were oneof the worst years for me.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Yeah, I bet I could just only imagine because you
think these people are here tothey're supposed to help me Like
, am I not that helpable?
Is that so far to ask for me tojust be helped and not feel the
way that I'm feeling?
And yeah, so I?
I can definitely understandthat.
(16:16):
That's insane.
I feel like it is so dangerousfor people to practice medicine
when they can only just thinkabout the ego or how they'll be.
Yeah that's really really hardto wrap your head around,
because they made an oath tohelp people.
(16:39):
They made an oath to helppeople and so it really it's.
But at the same time, if welook back, I feel like you have
to have some empathy for peoplethat have that much trouble
having or taming their own ego.
What did they have to gothrough to have to protect
themselves in that way?
I've been sexually assaultedwhen I was 16.
And I feel like obviously, thatis just not something that I
(17:05):
would want anyone to ever gothrough.
It's horrible.
You like question everything.
However, now, going through myown healing journey and many
hours of therapy and justself-reflection and everything,
I have to have some type ofempathy.
I don't want to say compassion,because I don't have compassion
for what he did at all, but Ifeel like I have to have empathy
(17:27):
, for you had to be in a reallyreally bad space in your life to
have to do that or to be ableto do that right.
There has had to have beensomething really, really wrong
or tough that you went throughyourself to have to be in the
spot where you could do that tosomebody else.
So, just yeah, I feel like I'mdefinitely a more involved
(17:51):
version of myself when I thinkabout those things, people that
do wrong us, and you have tolook at it like, okay, well, I
could choose to continue to stayangry and live with this
dis-ease in my body whichcreates disease.
I fully, fully attest to thatmyself.
Or I can look at the fact thatI found purpose.
(18:17):
I am a voice for people,especially for women, but for
people that are in a situationof any kind of abuse.
I'm a voice for people thathave cancer because of this kind
of abuse.
I'm a voice for people that gothrough infertility because of
this kind of abuse, and I mightjust have done some good with
(18:38):
the situation that I was dealtwith and it just shifts it
enough to be like I'm gratefulfor my story because I am who I
am because of my story and I'mhere and I'm as strong and
resilient and my story is worthit.
I feel like my story is biggerthan me.
It's meant for others to seethat they can not only face
(19:01):
things that are tough, but getthrough it and come out much
better on the other side, and Ifeel like very much aligned with
you in that sense.
I feel like you've healed thatpart of you enough so that
you're like but my, I wouldn'tbe this awesome person that I am
today if I wouldn't have gonethrough all the things X, y and
(19:24):
Z.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
yeah, they all played a bigger role that I might not
have understood then.
But I have the luxury ofunderstanding and appreciating
now, even more so because I canlook at my past and say, okay,
probably don't want to repeat it.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Don't wish it upon anybody, however, I never did,
even in my darkest moments.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I never wish yes on anyone or anything that people
have to go through and that'swhere my empathetic heart comes
in play is because I've alwaysbeen sensitive, but I was always
judged for my sensitivity.
I was like, well, I'm like, I'mdamned if I do and I'm damned
if I don't, because peoplearen't getting the fact that my
life isn't one of it.
(20:05):
I learned the big lessons.
What you see, what people putout there on instagram or social
media, it tells a story, butyou could, if you can, feel in
your soul and you connect andyou're like that's not their
story.
Yeah, they're acceptingsomething and it's like damn.
I hope they find their realstory.
I hope they find theirauthenticity, because it's
beautiful.
I just wish for them to see itone day.
And, yeah, what it boils downto is god, I got to this place
(20:27):
where I don't look at the painbut I don't hear the voices
anymore, even if people do saysomething a comment in the
streets yeah see it like thatanymore.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's like oh yeah
, oh, I'm sorry that you're in aplace where you know.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
You know, because it's like I can only imagine so
many different things are goingon when I work in a high school,
so that that is a hugetestimony of what do you do it
like.
The universe really wanted meto work through these problems.
I grew up in a high school allgirls catholic high school so it
was fine for me.
I was popular but never feltpopular.
That was where I was like Icould have everyone in my corner
(21:05):
, but I felt the most alonebecause I put myself in this
tiny little box and I shutmyself away because I didn't
want the darkest parts of me out, because I feared the darkest
parts of me.
One of those loss oftranslations.
I was translation of my journey.
I just slowly found myself indifferent moments and that was
(21:25):
like a blessing of what thepandemic did for me.
It was like oh, are you donebeing the victim of your story,
or you want to be the hero?
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, so this might be a loaded question, but how
did you decide to listen to theinner child during the pandemic
and what did that kind of looklike?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Not so loaded.
Well, I will share this.
When I was in my teens and whatI felt during the pandemic was
exactly what I felt I was 16,and it was the lowest of lows
and that was that silence, andthat was that inner wounded self
saying you don't belong hereanymore.
And it was unfortunate but Igot to that place and it had my
(22:04):
friend not called me at theright time, at the right moment.
And then I not just heard as Iwas screaming, crying into a
pillow and no one could hear me,and I heard that your life
serves a greater purpose and Ikept hearing that over and over
in my head.
I was like, okay, somebody istalking to me, but that's not me
saying it, I just don't.
At the time I was like I don'tconnect, but okay, I'm going to
(22:25):
hold on to that.
It was like that inner childwas always there to help me have
hope.
And so later on, pandemic fastforward, it was the same thing
and it was just I'm alone, Ilive in my own home and I'm a
hunter.
I'm just.
(22:45):
I'm that person and I couldfeel all of the residualness of
me, of my past, coming up, justboiling, boiling and boiling,
and I just felt that samefeeling of that darkness and the
silence, okay, and that's whatI just knew.
I was like, well, I know I'mnot in a place where I don't
want to end my life, but thiscould be the breaking point of
like, do you want to stand atthis cliff and jump, or do you
(23:06):
want to stand at this cliff andsoar?
and I just soar and I was likeI'm just gonna have to do what I
never did before and just setmyself free and just feel and
understand and journal and writeand be creative.
And I had a best friend at thetime that kind of helped guide
me through that too, and she wasthe one that I'm forever
grateful for.
That kind of pushed me towardsa creative outlet of share your
(23:26):
story on TikTok, share whatyou're going through.
And I was like I'm veryextrovert, outgoing but creative
know about.
But then I did.
I waited, I held off for monthsas I was doing the work and
getting outside, working out,doing the things that I really
enjoy on my own.
And then one day I was like Iwas redoing this office.
(23:47):
I didn't know why yet I wasjust redoing this office, which
had a greater purpose it wouldbe my podcast office.
But I just heard this innerpart of me like you're ready, go
get the camera, go get yourphone, go set it up.
You're ready to do your firsttiktok.
And then I did and then I waslike, okay, so tiktok was my
time capsule of sharing, becauseyou could or at least for me, I
(24:08):
could see the ups and downs ofwhat I was going through.
I could also see that ego of meportraying what's really not
authentic, I guess I would say,because it was like damn.
I just didn't know how toverbalize what it was I was
experiencing just yet.
Yeah, trying to be something,for people to say, hey, this is
me, though I'm still gonna putit out there.
This is me, this is whathealing looks like.
(24:28):
It's not fun, it's yeah, it'snot fun.
Yeah, it's not unicorns andbunny rabbits, that's for sure
definitely not.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
It's digging into a lot of dark thoughts and all of
that.
Yeah, I can, oh my gosh,totally align with all of that.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
So give me kind of an idea of how you would describe
yourself as a child, as ateenager and now as an adult a
child, I would say I found joyin everything I all majority of
my pictures, even in hospitalbeds, are me smiling or me
sharing my toys with.
I remember a lot of patientswho were left alone, who didn't
(25:08):
have that luxury of appearance,staying overnight like I did,
and so I would have my mom gohold the baby that was in the
corner crying, or bring over mystuffed animal to that person.
But that was me.
I always played doctor, playednurse, always pretending to take
care of everyone.
It was just simply how who Iwas.
When I was a snuggler, I wasquiet.
(25:29):
I was more shy, definitely as akid.
As a teenager, I wasrambunctious, I was rebelling.
I felt like I had it all, allthe friends I.
I created the teen mascot forour school.
So I was that girl.
But it was for all the wrongattention reason.
It was just I was lost.
I was a deeply lost soul inhigh school.
(25:50):
No, you were like is that whatyou said?
Yeah, no, it is.
I'm an introvert and extrovert.
I love my peace, I love myspace, I set my boundaries and
but I love entertaining like Ilove bringing out my energy
because my energy is high.
Yeah, my co-workers are like ohgod, and I I shared this with
another person is I have a brandnew co-worker.
She was up internally firstsemester.
(26:11):
She came second semester.
She's so quiet but she's socalm and peaceful, totally
opposite of me and I'm like thegirl that has fairy wings
hanging in her classroom when Iput them up as my room as well.
I'm a special ed teacher, solike I just frolic around and
I'm pulling off like a JimCarrey moment and he's like
cheer up, I love it.
So it just depends.
But I put everything out there.
I won't hold back tears aboutbeing sensitive.
(26:32):
I won't run from anythinganymore.
I acknowledge it and I won'tapologize.
And that's probably the biggestthing I stopped doing is saying
I'm sorry.
Like what am I sorry for?
I'm sorry to everything.
I'm sorry I'm crying or I'msorry I'm doing this or I'm
sorry I feel this way.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
No, no no, no, no no.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
You take accountability when you need to
yeah absolutely when I do wrongor when I misjudge, it's like
I'm not perfect and I definitelyfeel that to everyone.
It's like I'm being perfect.
I'm not Like I'm happy and I'mpositive because my mind is
shifting and I enjoy the joy oflife now because it's sort of a
(27:08):
purpose.
But in order to get to seethose purposes, it's not like
you can just fake it.
I can't fake it until I make it.
I'm going to be the worstactress ever because I can't
fake it.
I can't.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Yeah, I definitely attest to that.
Yeah, I, yeah, I definitelytest to that.
Um, yeah it, I.
I feel you, though, like I'm anextrovert all through and
through.
However, as I've gotten older,I feel like I have really
enjoyed home and just my quiettime, and it just re-energizes
me, and then I'm back againexactly.
(27:39):
Yeah, I mean, it's a.
It's very funny, because I'vealways just considered myself an
extrovert.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, I've always been like I've always been
described that way, and I thinkthe past year too is.
But I love my nature, I love mywalks, I love hugging my
children, I love being away fromeveryone sometimes, but I'm
always around people when I'm atwork, you know, and I'm like I
love that silence.
I love yeah, I don't needpeople.
Another huge healing process wasattachment, yeah, everything,
(28:05):
because I was afraid that I wasgoing to always be left alone
and I had to figure that all outlike where I feel alone, but
that was every time I got pulledaway from a surgery it was like
where's the people that love me, that could be there to tell
them?
No or my voice was just smallerand smaller and quieter and
quieter.
So I don't need that.
I don't need validation,because I validate myself.
It's just the weirdest stuffthat comes up.
(28:27):
Everyone's well like, okay allright.
Sometimes I do miss people.
They're like I need to be outamong people yeah, I agreed,
agreed.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
So what do you feel were your biggest limiting
beliefs and roadblocks toovercome everything that to
where you are today?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
now, self-worth, self-worth and self-love.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
I didn't know you could literally love other
people and pour into them, butstill not love yourself it's so
hard and I have to even I haveto even like question that a bit
, because do you truly, then,love them if you don't know how
to love yourself?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
yeah, I know, and I thought that too for the longest
time.
But I still say yes, because itcould have been strangers, but
I still loved being there forthem for whatever I could do.
But it depletes a lot, yeah,the love that you're holding on
to, that you don't realize it'slike okay.
So I know that there wasself-love and self-worth,
(29:21):
because obviously I canacknowledge it, define it.
So it was there within me.
My inner child probably held onto it, but I it was easier to
give it away, yeah was to pourback into myself yeah,
absolutely so.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Then what daily like habits and rituals like help you
continue to keep that mindsetof like?
Speaker 1 (29:41):
me.
The biggest one wasaffirmations.
I wrote a dry erase record so Iwrote all over my bathroom
window but I didn't write itright away because everyone
always has to say youraffirmation.
So I'd say it but I was like Idon't align to this.
I can't do things I don't alignto, and that was another huge
lesson.
Stop forcing things.
Stop forcing things to happen.
Stop forcing paths to takeplace or friendships to take
(30:02):
place.
Let everything go and let itjust be.
Don't count on everything.
You don't have to have control.
So I just trusted.
When I was ready, I would sayhim or I would hear him in the
car he'd listen to podcasts oryoutube like affirmations of
meditation.
I did a lot of meditation firstand just the sound bowls or
frequencies.
That was more my thing in thebeginning because I didn't have
(30:23):
to force myself to hear things Ididn't connect with.
As time progressed, then it waswriting words.
I'm like I am a warrior, butI'm like I wrote these down on
the mirror and it was one or twoat a time, but then you see me
smiling like that's.
The craziest part is I watchedmyself smiling back in the
mirror as I'm writing this.
I'm like, wow, I really I feelthis I have in my 40 for 40 plus
(30:47):
years.
I've never been able to do that.
Now it's the hardest.
Lesson is when I have a friendwho's a medium and she had asked
me a question one day.
She's like write three wordsthat describe you.
And I did it's easy, right,like piece of cake.
She goes why did you pick threewords that describe what you do
for others?
And I I just felt like shit.
I was like, oh my God, soyou're right, I don't see you
(31:09):
writing you're beautiful.
Or I don't see you writingyou're powerful, like things
that describe you.
You described outgoing, giving,nurturing, everything that you
do for others.
Yeah, I was like, well, damn,so that's where I had to sit
with that.
Yeah, and that was what took solong was like I just really had
to fester and I had to sit inthe uncomfy, as I call it, yeah,
(31:31):
and I didn't know how long itwas gonna take, but I wasn't
gonna force myself out of theuncomfortable, I was just gonna
sit there with it.
If it was hours, minutes, days,weeks, I was like you're doing
it, you're gonna wake up, andyou might wake up crying, still
uncomfortable because you'refrustrated, because you want
this part of you to acknowledgewhatever it was there, where
they come from.
Like no, you're just gonna sitwith that.
You're not running fromanything anymore, you're just
(31:53):
sitting still.
Then, all of a sudden, my mirrorwas covered with words and I
left it up for a good, I think,six to nine months.
Nine months, and then I don'tneed these up anymore.
I already know.
I already know these words.
But so in the morning I wake upand I tell Alexa like all right
, tell me how the weather is,like, tell me my Bible verse for
the day or something.
Tell me a positive affirmationthat I'll like to, and then I'll
(32:15):
listen to it.
I'm like all right, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
I'm.
I love that.
I love that so much.
Yeah, I, I can attest to that.
And there's just sometimes,when you have to, I have this
app called think up and you canrecord your affirmations so you
listen to yourself tell youthese things.
And so I usually I listened towhat I call what is called a
daily fire every morning byBrendan Burchard.
He's like a high performancecoach, guru, awesome, and so I
(32:48):
have his app and I listened tohis like daily fire and it's
some type of thing that's goingto be great in between my ears,
and so I listened to that.
And then, as I'm brushing myteeth and looking at myself in
the mirror, I'm listening to myown affirmations said by myself,
and I also have, like my visionstory in there, so the things
that I want to see for my futureand and who I want to be, and
(33:12):
all of that.
And then from there, like so Ihave these like rituals in the
morning that very much align.
I meditate in the morning and Igo out for a walk, and those
are things that I align withthat.
Just center myself and put myoxygen mask on first, and then
I'm good for the world.
I wake up before everybody elseso do I.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
I've never become such a morning person as I am.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I guess I had to wake up early for teaching.
Speaker 1 (33:39):
But now I'm like weekends, I'm like, okay, 4 am
is just a little crazy.
But yeah, if I've been sittingin my office and I'm watching
the sunrise and I have all mybird feeders, now I become that
woman.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
I am a bird lady, I have.
I'm obsessed with cardinals, itreminds me of my dad.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I strongly feel.
It's like, oh, I have a visitor.
And then the other day I askeduniverse.
I'm like, all right, I don'tknow what I was thinking about.
I was thinking about somethingabout my past, like the past
year, or something, a reflectionof what I've asked, you know,
right down to my journal.
I'm like, all right, universe,I could use a yellow bird, very
uncommon over here.
So I was like I could use ayellow bird.
Never happened.
A yellow bird came right up tomy bird feeder and I kept
(34:21):
reflecting back to what it was Iwas going through.
I was like, okay, I know it's apowerful sign, but it's
confirmation.
So then I go to my car the nextday.
I get into my car and I justyou know how you feel, something
flying at you.
So I look at the window and theyellow bird landed on my window
.
It just like looked into my car.
I'm like, my god, I'm like I'mreally on the right path here.
(34:49):
Okay, I love that so much.
I love that so much.
Oh, my god, you hug the treeright now because of all the
cicadas.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
So I'm in florida so I'm not there yet, but yes, I
definitely like it's.
I go for my outside walk in themornings and it's like it's my
happy place now.
I love it so much.
So let us know what yourpodcast name is.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Infinite Love, and then it's kind of like Slash by
Kate, just because I thinkthere's a couple other ones out
there.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
I am so freaking honored to have met you and to
have had you on my podcast it is.
You have definitely beenthrough some really like against
all odds moments, and so Icommend you for all the work.
I love, like all that innerwork, man.
It's not easy, so I definitelyit's so worth it.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
You know what the easier is.
You are worth it.
You are worth it.
Don't be afraid of it, becauseonce you're done with that work,
you come out just even greater,even stronger, even more
powerful.
Speaker 2 (35:51):
Yeah, absolutely ah, you are awesome.
Oh my gosh, kate.
Thank you so much.
I so appreciate it, you guys,if just tell me what you got out
of today, because this is sogood.
Thanks again, kate.
I hope you all have a wonderfulrest of your day.
Thanks for listening.
Peace out, love your life.
Bye.
Well, there you have it.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
Like I said, the dualities, the connection, just
the soulful bond, just of ourhealing journeys, and you can
tell that for two people thatnever met each other, the
natural, natural connection andunderstanding and empathy and
compassion and love, and thatdrive for healing, for
self-worth, for self-love, twopeople on two separate journeys
(36:34):
coming together and sharing.
What better way of connectingwith another soul than this?
So my love and gratitude goesout to Maria Again.
I hope you all.
I know you've listened to it onmy podcast, but please go to my
YouTube station, kate Gutz, orcheck out my information in my
bio.
(36:54):
I'll have all the links forMaria's pages for social media
platforms.
But again, we are both liveduring this interaction.
So if you go to my YouTubechannel, you'll definitely see
us face to face, connecting,talking, sharing.
Anyways, much love and light toMaria, to all of you, Thank you
, thank you.
Thank you for spending anotherepisode with me on Infinite Love
(37:17):
.
Have a great one.
Hey, hey, hey.
Welcome back to Infinite Lovewith Kate.
I have a little special for youthis week.
I was lucky enough to be aguest on Against All Odds
podcast, the Less Than 1%, withMaria Abate, and today, today,
I'm going to share thisbeautiful collaboration because
(00:22):
it didn't feel like an interview.
I didn't even feel like a guest.
I felt like two souls that haveknown each other for so long
and the vibe was just right.
Divine timing was just right.
I never felt more comfortablein a position of being a guest
speaker for someone as I didwith Maria.
So please sit back and enjoy asyou get to listen in on two
(00:44):
souls talking about our past,our present, our dualities, our
healing.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Hey, hey, welcome back to Against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I hope you are doing fantastictoday.
I am so excited to bring thisguest on.
I just chatted with her alittle bit before we started
recording and, yeah, I feel likewhen you meet somebody that is
(01:11):
like, oh, you were like totallymeant to be in my atmosphere, I
felt that here with her, solet's just jump in.
So Kate was born with Crouzonsyndrome.
It would be a genetic mutationor the role that would send her
life into a downward spiral.
She began chasing an identitywhile slowly losing her
(01:33):
self-worth and love for herself.
She began to wear many masks toavoid the feelings and then the
pandemic happened and she wasfaced with her ultimate fear
Silence.
I think we were all in thatkind of like oh my gosh, what
are we going to do?
Because we don't have anythingbut us now.
But with that, she had choices,right?
Does she take the time tolisten to her inner child
(01:53):
screaming at her, or does shefind other ways to escape, avoid
and run from these problems andliving a life that she no
longer aligned with?
So, kate, welcome, I'm soexcited to have you on.
Give us an idea of how yourAgainst All Odds story started.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Well, first, thank you for having me.
Yeah, and I love the intro andI truly reflect and feel the
same way Divine timing anddivine purpose of alignment, of
people getting brought together,just it's so synchronized and I
just feel like that's where myjourney is nowadays.
So that made me even bigger,because I was like see, I like
it.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
It's for real, we both feel the same.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
It's living proof.
And I guess where my lightbegan as a child it was so
different.
Obviously I was two when Ichanged forever in a day and I
was too young to remember.
But what was instilled in me,what was conditioned into me
afterwards, was what took me ona downward spiral, because it
was my, I would say, angelic,inner, loving child that just
(02:54):
saw life as just pure love andkindness.
And then there was the noise,the verbal abuse of society
judging me and looking at me,and that was out of my control
which that kind of taught methat I had to have control in
something, even though I waslosing control and everything,
and that for me was a fear,because that silence brought
(03:16):
chaos in my head.
You got your devil living onyour shoulder and you're you
want to see good in everyone,but then you're feeling all the
bad of everyone and it's likebut not everyone's bad, and it
was just a battle and it's aninternal struggle for real but
it denoises your own ego.
Yeah, and that's the craziestpart, because you think it's a
child talking to me it's yourinner child telling you.
(03:39):
Pull back those intuitions thatI didn't really ever listen to,
or walk away or build up.
Those affirmations of whatthey're saying is not true.
Don't believe it.
Don't believe it untilobviously it was just much later
in life and you're like god.
That's a lot of work you haveto do.
Yeah, I don't like to say fix,because they are broken pieces
of us, but they're bruisedpieces and that's where I'm
(04:00):
learning that compassion is like.
You're not broken, you were.
You just dealt with a lot ofstuff that now you get to make
that healthy choice of lovingeven more, because now I'm in
darkness and my light.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Yeah, I think that it's.
That's beautiful for manyreasons, but mostly when we
figure out that all of thosedifferent parts of us are there
somehow or another to protect ussomehow or another to love us.
They all have a purpose.
So that anger in us is who?
The part of you that sees yourworth better than any?
(04:36):
But any other part of youbecause if they're angry it's
usually because of some type ofinjustice that they that you
know that you're worth more thanthat, and they're the ones that
stand up.
They're like nope, this is.
I'm like sounding the alarm.
This is not okay and we tend topush those feelings down and so
(04:58):
profound when we just haveempathy for those feelings and
give them validation and sayit's okay, I've got me for being
there yeah and I think that wasthe biggest thing was learning
it's okay to not be okay.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Yeah, I wasn't okay.
That I just didn't want mystory to overshadow somebody
else's grief, like it was justthat I was that big but small.
How I played that role isbecause it was like my somebody
has it worse than me.
Yeah, always have it worse thanme.
So I need the whole compassionfor them.
But that also deflects what Ineed to do with myself yeah, not
(05:34):
knocking a man or two.
Yeah, it's what was conditionedto me.
That was a reminder for myfamily and not by any means of
hurting me, but it was to remindme like you are lucky and I'm
like I am lucky, family, youknow, I was raised in a great
neighborhood that loved me andembraced me where it could have
been worse and instilled thosethoughts in my head.
But it also pushed away thescreaming pains of I, I'm broke,
(05:56):
like I'm broke, and I feel hurt, I'm in pain, I'm only eight or
I'm only sick.
I'm feeling all these feelingsand I don't like the way the
world's treating me.
How do I fix that?
But it's like I gotta fix meand it's just like.
But you don't know how to saythat as a child.
So that's where I just silentlybattled.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Yeah, they're always reflected strength and
positivity yeah, yes, and people, I feel like that's sometimes
the toxic positivity, right,that we are.
Oh, we have to be positive,even if we're like feeling we're
dying inside.
No, it's okay to acknowledgethose feelings we're crumbling
inside and react to it in apositive way.
(06:35):
So I think there's differencebetween like, oh, the sky has
got rainbows and sunshine andit's like gloomy and everything
outside right.
I think that you can't justcover your the sun with your
hand like it just won't go away,like that.
I think that we have toacknowledge that it's gloomy,
but that gloominess like there'sgonna be another day with
(06:57):
sunshine and rainbows and butter, like all of that I think
that's where we get.
So, because I used to be thetoxic positive, oh, it's okay,
everything happens for a.
Because I used to be the toxicpositive, I don't know, it's
okay, everything happens for areason.
And I wasn't acknowledging theparts of me that needed to be
validated for feeling what I wasfeeling, that needed to feel
acknowledged and loved and notjudged for feeling the ways.
(07:19):
And then, once I learned thatit isn't about like, everything
happens for a reason, I thinkthat we could find purpose and
meaning behind everything, and Ithink that's where things start
to shift.
If I can go through all thethings that I went through and
you can go through all thethings that you went through and
find a purpose and a meaningbehind it, it's different than
having a reason for it to happen.
(07:40):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I feel like I'm like having a mirrored reflection.
You're just me right now and itis.
It's the mind shift, but it wasdoing the work.
Yeah, get to that mind shiftand I was the same way.
I'm just sitting here listening.
I'm just staring at myselflistening to it.
This is awesome.
Good job, kate.
Like good as you're, as I'm soproud of you.
(08:03):
I'm like good job, kate, likethis is where you're at, like
wow, four years ago it was apandemic?
could I picture this?
No, I didn't know saw it's likedrowning in depths of water and
you slowly see the sunlightfade away, because the further
you sink, the darker it gets andyou lose that hope.
And in all my life I held on tohope, but that was where the
(08:27):
surgeries went wrong, which Iwas chasing the surgeries to fix
the outer, but really it wasthe inner.
I can't do anything to changemy outer appearance, love my
outer appearance.
But how do I do that?
First I gotta go with it andlove everything about me, which
means my darkness, my toxicparts of me, because they were
there and you said itbeautifully it's like they're
(08:47):
there to protect you.
That ego is there.
It's like we can't shame ourego, our ego, our ego is what
kind of for me at least, is whatgot me through those really, of
being pulled away from yourmother who takes care of you in
and out of the hospital, butbeing pulled away into another
surgery where they just kind ofde-degarm you and you're just
vulnerable and naked and afraidand there's nobody there,
(09:10):
because no doctor I ever feelhas that sense of compassion in
the operating room.
But they are, yeah, they have ajob to do and they're gonna get
that job done always highlightnurses and their empathy and
their love and that's who Iconnect with, because that's who
I am and it's like I've hadmany nurses come and see me
shaking and tears just gettingbigger and bigger my eyes and
(09:31):
they'll hold my hand like my momwould be doing.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Yeah, they were that extended, they were like those
little angels that that haven'tsent, hey motherly intuition it
has and I praise all nurses.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
I have never experienced even a nurse on a
bad day.
I still praise because I seeright through it they're not not
being seen or validated fortheir hard work, and they have
to go home with all that andthen be a mom or a wife or
anything, and yeah, it's just alot and you can feel all that
intensity and then you say, likeI understand why you're having
a bad day.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Yeah, that's you over a doctor?
Because my experiences withdoctors is totally opposite so
can you give us a little bit ofbackground on what exactly is
this syndrome and what ittranspired in your childhood?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
so carousel syndrome is a genetic malformation of 1g,
just 1g mutated, and what thatmeans for me is the bones in my
skull were fused together sothere was no soft spot.
So then, as I'm growing, mybrain's developing, it can't
expand, which was obviouslybecome detrimental to eyesight,
hearing, brain damage or deathand so they have to back.
(10:42):
Then and this is the other hardpart is because what we were
talking about healing andeverything else is in 1980s.
People don't talk about theirfeelings, people do all that
sharing.
So that plays another vitalrole in, like crazy how you
think of it that way, where Ilove this generation, the
younger generations, becausenothing's stopping them and no,
and they tell you they will,everything my nephew is in sixth
(11:03):
grade.
This is like.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I feel this right now oh, yeah, right, I said my
youngest daughter.
She's 15 and she's still ateenager, so she has her moments
.
However, when I go with her toa counseling appointment or
whatever, I'm just blown away.
I'm how do you even know how toexpress this?
I didn't even learn this untilI was an adult.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
But you fear that to her, which is amazing.
That's the beautiful gift ofwatching your growth.
Your daughter sees thatreflection and then becomes that
.
Which is what our kids needmore of is more, not even just
positive reflection, but growthand understanding and
acknowledgement of authenticityand transparency, just truth
with themselves.
(11:47):
Like I'm not okay, okay, well,I see that, thank you for
sharing.
Like, oh my god, this adultjust told me they're not okay
and it's okay to not be okay.
Yeah, so in order to go back, soI had the surgery it was
supposed to be.
Now it's like a one, two, threesurgery, or it's the halo, and
I'm not sure if you've ever seenyoung children with the halo.
It's like a one, two, threesurgery, or it's the halo, and
I'm not sure if you've ever seenyoung children with the halo.
It's like they put this verybarbaric contraption but it
(12:09):
pulls their face forward veryslowly, meticulously, without
any repercussions or damage, andit's actually.
The results are amazing when Isee, with technology, we didn't
have that.
Unfortunately, the CAT scan justcame out.
Have that?
Unfortunately, the cat scanjust came out when I was limited
.
But my doctor was a part ofthis whole new program where
(12:30):
they teamed up with otherdoctors from other hospitals,
which was never done before, andthere was only three doctors
that specialized in craniofacialsyndromes, two in chicago, one
in texas and I just happen tohave the pick of the litter is
what I call it and he wanted topromote it.
So he had the news, everything.
So it lied within his ego.
It was more about him, notabout me or anyone else.
(12:52):
It was about him.
And so we had the surgery 19hour surgery and he pulled my
face entirely forward like ahockey mask.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Pulled so hard that it just snapped back and
shattered every bone in my face.
So hard that it just snappedback and shattered every bone in
my face.
But he closed me up and told myparents everything went
smoothly and left me to die,basically.
So I had an angel that day withme and forever I'm grateful.
I wish I had her number becauseI would love to find her.
I've been trying to search forher.
I know she lives in Michigan,but that's as far as I've gotten
(13:21):
so far in my search.
But she was a counselor, agenetic counselor.
So basically, if you learn thatyour child has cancer or
anything else, agree, like Icall the grief counselor in a
way, yeah, teach the parents ofwhat to expect.
She was asked to watch thesurgery.
So she got to sit in on thesurgery, which is never, ever
done before and it's a female,and so because she got to watch
(13:44):
it, she chose her soul or hercareer.
And she chose her soul and toldmy parents, ask a lot of
questions and then got fired forit, obviously because there was
a lawsuit, but he didn't haveto do, he didn't lose his
license.
That's all my parents wantedwas for him to lose his license
but he just he went on to dowhatever he did.
But I held a lot of angerbecause my parents did.
I was young.
(14:10):
So it was like transferred toyou, totally transferred,
because that was too.
I didn't know the man, but Iwas angry as I was chasing these
surgeries trying to fix what hebroke.
But unfortunately, when heclosed me up, there was staph
infection.
There was MRSA eating away allthe bones that were left.
So there wasn't much to workwith and the more surgeries you
have, the more scar tissue youhave to deal with.
It becomes one painful, but twojust difficult, because now you
(14:31):
can't really create anythingfrom scratch.
So you've got plates andeverything else and it was.
It was tough for my doctor whosaved my life, but he did a
great job and I I just finallyrealized I think I was 21 I was
like I can't keep doing this.
When I was at the lowest of mylows.
I'm like these surgeries arenot giving me the results I
desire and people keep promisingme these false promises and I'm
(14:53):
just holding on so tightly tothose thoughts and at least I've
done.
My body cannot take this like Idon't, even even at eight.
I stopped at eight and I toldmy parents I'm like I just want
to be a kid.
I missed a lot of school andI'm like I just want to be a kid
.
But then puberty hit and I waslike I don't ever want to feel
like that, never again.
Puberty like allowed all theseemotions to come, allowed my ego
(15:16):
basically to just go rar and itwas and everyone that dealt
with me was just like I don'tknow what to do with you.
Like I, I don't know what I canoffer you.
Counselors, like our schoolcounselor, had no clue what to
say to me.
It was as if they were taughtthis.
I just was blown away.
I'm like how is this your job?
But yet you don't.
I'd like question myself likeam I that different looking?
(15:39):
Am I just?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Yeah, why can't they help me if they help others?
It's not fair.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
People who have burned or anything else.
I'm like how do they getthrough life?
Like, why am I?
But I just kept attackingmyself over and over.
It was, yes, that just grew.
And then teenage years were oneof the worst years for me.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Yeah, I bet I could just only imagine because you
think these people are here tothey're supposed to help me Like
, am I not that helpable?
Is that so far to ask for me tojust be helped and not feel the
way that I'm feeling?
And yeah, so I?
I can definitely understandthat.
(16:16):
That's insane.
I feel like it is so dangerousfor people to practice medicine
when they can only just thinkabout the ego or how they'll be.
Yeah that's really really hardto wrap your head around,
because they made an oath tohelp people.
(16:39):
They made an oath to helppeople and so it really it's.
But at the same time, if welook back, I feel like you have
to have some empathy for peoplethat have that much trouble
having or taming their own ego.
What did they have to gothrough to have to protect
themselves in that way?
I've been sexually assaultedwhen I was 16.
And I feel like obviously, thatis just not something that I
(17:05):
would want anyone to ever gothrough.
It's horrible.
You like question everything.
However, now, going through myown healing journey and many
hours of therapy and justself-reflection and everything,
I have to have some type ofempathy.
I don't want to say compassion,because I don't have compassion
for what he did at all, but Ifeel like I have to have empathy
(17:27):
, for you had to be in a reallyreally bad space in your life to
have to do that or to be ableto do that right.
There has had to have beensomething really, really wrong
or tough that you went throughyourself to have to be in the
spot where you could do that tosomebody else.
So, just yeah, I feel like I'mdefinitely a more involved
(17:51):
version of myself when I thinkabout those things, people that
do wrong us, and you have tolook at it like, okay, well, I
could choose to continue to stayangry and live with this
dis-ease in my body whichcreates disease.
I fully, fully attest to thatmyself.
Or I can look at the fact thatI found purpose.
(18:17):
I am a voice for people,especially for women, but for
people that are in a situationof any kind of abuse.
I'm a voice for people thathave cancer because of this kind
of abuse.
I'm a voice for people that gothrough infertility because of
this kind of abuse, and I mightjust have done some good with
(18:38):
the situation that I was dealtwith and it just shifts it
enough to be like I'm gratefulfor my story because I am who I
am because of my story and I'mhere and I'm as strong and
resilient and my story is worthit.
I feel like my story is biggerthan me.
It's meant for others to seethat they can not only face
(19:01):
things that are tough, but getthrough it and come out much
better on the other side, and Ifeel like very much aligned with
you in that sense.
I feel like you've healed thatpart of you enough so that
you're like but my, I wouldn'tbe this awesome person that I am
today if I wouldn't have gonethrough all the things X, y and
(19:24):
Z.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
yeah, they all played a bigger role that I might not
have understood then.
But I have the luxury ofunderstanding and appreciating
now, even more so because I canlook at my past and say, okay,
probably don't want to repeat it.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Don't wish it upon anybody, however, I never did,
even in my darkest moments.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I never wish yes on anyone or anything that people
have to go through and that'swhere my empathetic heart comes
in play is because I've alwaysbeen sensitive, but I was always
judged for my sensitivity.
I was like, well, I'm like, I'mdamned if I do and I'm damned
if I don't, because peoplearen't getting the fact that my
life isn't one of it.
(20:05):
I learned the big lessons.
What you see, what people putout there on instagram or social
media, it tells a story, butyou could, if you can, feel in
your soul and you connect andyou're like that's not their
story.
Yeah, they're acceptingsomething and it's like damn.
I hope they find their realstory.
I hope they find theirauthenticity, because it's
beautiful.
I just wish for them to see itone day.
And, yeah, what it boils downto is god, I got to this place
(20:27):
where I don't look at the painbut I don't hear the voices
anymore, even if people do saysomething a comment in the
streets yeah see it like thatanymore.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's like oh yeah
, oh, I'm sorry that you're in aplace where you know.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
You know, because it's like I can only imagine so
many different things are goingon when I work in a high school,
so that that is a hugetestimony of what do you do it
like.
The universe really wanted meto work through these problems.
I grew up in a high school allgirls catholic high school so it
was fine for me.
I was popular but never feltpopular.
That was where I was like Icould have everyone in my corner
(21:05):
, but I felt the most alonebecause I put myself in this
tiny little box and I shutmyself away because I didn't
want the darkest parts of me out, because I feared the darkest
parts of me.
One of those loss oftranslations.
I was translation of my journey.
I just slowly found myself indifferent moments and that was
(21:25):
like a blessing of what thepandemic did for me.
It was like oh, are you donebeing the victim of your story,
or you want to be the hero?
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, so this might be a loaded question, but how
did you decide to listen to theinner child during the pandemic
and what did that kind of looklike?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Not so loaded.
Well, I will share this.
When I was in my teens and whatI felt during the pandemic was
exactly what I felt I was 16,and it was the lowest of lows
and that was that silence, andthat was that inner wounded self
saying you don't belong hereanymore.
And it was unfortunate but Igot to that place and it had my
(22:04):
friend not called me at theright time, at the right moment.
And then I not just heard as Iwas screaming, crying into a
pillow and no one could hear me,and I heard that your life
serves a greater purpose and Ikept hearing that over and over
in my head.
I was like, okay, somebody istalking to me, but that's not me
saying it, I just don't.
At the time I was like I don'tconnect, but okay, I'm going to
(22:25):
hold on to that.
It was like that inner childwas always there to help me have
hope.
And so later on, pandemic fastforward, it was the same thing
and it was just I'm alone, Ilive in my own home and I'm a
hunter.
I'm just.
(22:45):
I'm that person and I couldfeel all of the residualness of
me, of my past, coming up, justboiling, boiling and boiling,
and I just felt that samefeeling of that darkness and the
silence, okay, and that's whatI just knew.
I was like, well, I know I'mnot in a place where I don't
want to end my life, but thiscould be the breaking point of
like, do you want to stand atthis cliff and jump, or do you
(23:06):
want to stand at this cliff andsoar?
and I just soar and I was likeI'm just gonna have to do what I
never did before and just setmyself free and just feel and
understand and journal and writeand be creative.
And I had a best friend at thetime that kind of helped guide
me through that too, and she wasthe one that I'm forever
grateful for.
That kind of pushed me towardsa creative outlet of share your
(23:26):
story on TikTok, share whatyou're going through.
And I was like I'm veryextrovert, outgoing but creative
know about.
But then I did.
I waited, I held off for monthsas I was doing the work and
getting outside, working out,doing the things that I really
enjoy on my own.
And then one day I was like Iwas redoing this office.
(23:47):
I didn't know why yet I wasjust redoing this office, which
had a greater purpose it wouldbe my podcast office.
But I just heard this innerpart of me like you're ready, go
get the camera, go get yourphone, go set it up.
You're ready to do your firsttiktok.
And then I did and then I waslike, okay, so tiktok was my
time capsule of sharing, becauseyou could or at least for me, I
(24:08):
could see the ups and downs ofwhat I was going through.
I could also see that ego of meportraying what's really not
authentic, I guess I would say,because it was like damn.
I just didn't know how toverbalize what it was I was
experiencing just yet.
Yeah, trying to be something,for people to say, hey, this is
me, though I'm still gonna putit out there.
This is me, this is whathealing looks like.
(24:28):
It's not fun, it's yeah, it'snot fun.
Yeah, it's not unicorns andbunny rabbits, that's for sure
definitely not.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
It's digging into a lot of dark thoughts and all of
that.
Yeah, I can, oh my gosh,totally align with all of that.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
So give me kind of an idea of how you would describe
yourself as a child, as ateenager and now as an adult a
child, I would say I found joyin everything I all majority of
my pictures, even in hospitalbeds, are me smiling or me
sharing my toys with.
I remember a lot of patientswho were left alone, who didn't
(25:08):
have that luxury of appearance,staying overnight like I did,
and so I would have my mom gohold the baby that was in the
corner crying, or bring over mystuffed animal to that person.
But that was me.
I always played doctor, playednurse, always pretending to take
care of everyone.
It was just simply how who Iwas.
When I was a snuggler, I wasquiet.
(25:29):
I was more shy, definitely as akid.
As a teenager, I wasrambunctious, I was rebelling.
I felt like I had it all, allthe friends I.
I created the teen mascot forour school.
So I was that girl.
But it was for all the wrongattention reason.
It was just I was lost.
I was a deeply lost soul inhigh school.
(25:50):
No, you were like is that whatyou said?
Yeah, no, it is.
I'm an introvert and extrovert.
I love my peace, I love myspace, I set my boundaries and
but I love entertaining like Ilove bringing out my energy
because my energy is high.
Yeah, my co-workers are like ohgod, and I I shared this with
another person is I have a brandnew co-worker.
She was up internally firstsemester.
(26:11):
She came second semester.
She's so quiet but she's socalm and peaceful, totally
opposite of me and I'm like thegirl that has fairy wings
hanging in her classroom when Iput them up as my room as well.
I'm a special ed teacher, solike I just frolic around and
I'm pulling off like a JimCarrey moment and he's like
cheer up, I love it.
So it just depends.
But I put everything out there.
I won't hold back tears aboutbeing sensitive.
(26:32):
I won't run from anythinganymore.
I acknowledge it and I won'tapologize.
And that's probably the biggestthing I stopped doing is saying
I'm sorry.
Like what am I sorry for?
I'm sorry to everything.
I'm sorry I'm crying or I'msorry I'm doing this or I'm
sorry I feel this way.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
No, no no, no, no no.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
You take accountability when you need to
yeah absolutely when I do wrongor when I misjudge, it's like
I'm not perfect and I definitelyfeel that to everyone.
It's like I'm being perfect.
I'm not Like I'm happy and I'mpositive because my mind is
shifting and I enjoy the joy oflife now because it's sort of a
(27:08):
purpose.
But in order to get to seethose purposes, it's not like
you can just fake it.
I can't fake it until I make it.
I'm going to be the worstactress ever because I can't
fake it.
I can't.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Yeah, I definitely attest to that.
Yeah, I, yeah, I definitelytest to that.
Um, yeah it, I.
I feel you, though, like I'm anextrovert all through and
through.
However, as I've gotten older,I feel like I have really
enjoyed home and just my quiettime, and it just re-energizes
me, and then I'm back againexactly.
(27:39):
Yeah, I mean, it's a.
It's very funny, because I'vealways just considered myself an
extrovert.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, I've always been like I've always been
described that way, and I thinkthe past year too is.
But I love my nature, I love mywalks, I love hugging my
children, I love being away fromeveryone sometimes, but I'm
always around people when I'm atwork, you know, and I'm like I
love that silence.
I love yeah, I don't needpeople.
Another huge healing process wasattachment, yeah, everything,
(28:05):
because I was afraid that I wasgoing to always be left alone
and I had to figure that all outlike where I feel alone, but
that was every time I got pulledaway from a surgery it was like
where's the people that love me, that could be there to tell
them?
No or my voice was just smallerand smaller and quieter and
quieter.
So I don't need that.
I don't need validation,because I validate myself.
It's just the weirdest stuffthat comes up.
(28:27):
Everyone's well like, okay allright.
Sometimes I do miss people.
They're like I need to be outamong people yeah, I agreed,
agreed.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
So what do you feel were your biggest limiting
beliefs and roadblocks toovercome everything that to
where you are today?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
now, self-worth, self-worth and self-love.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
I didn't know you could literally love other
people and pour into them, butstill not love yourself it's so
hard and I have to even I haveto even like question that a bit
, because do you truly, then,love them if you don't know how
to love yourself?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
yeah, I know, and I thought that too for the longest
time.
But I still say yes, because itcould have been strangers, but
I still loved being there forthem for whatever I could do.
But it depletes a lot, yeah,the love that you're holding on
to, that you don't realize it'slike okay.
So I know that there wasself-love and self-worth,
(29:21):
because obviously I canacknowledge it, define it.
So it was there within me.
My inner child probably held onto it, but I it was easier to
give it away, yeah was to pourback into myself yeah,
absolutely so.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Then what daily like habits and rituals like help you
continue to keep that mindsetof like?
Speaker 1 (29:41):
me.
The biggest one wasaffirmations.
I wrote a dry erase record so Iwrote all over my bathroom
window but I didn't write itright away because everyone
always has to say youraffirmation.
So I'd say it but I was like Idon't align to this.
I can't do things I don't alignto, and that was another huge
lesson.
Stop forcing things.
Stop forcing things to happen.
Stop forcing paths to takeplace or friendships to take
(30:02):
place.
Let everything go and let itjust be.
Don't count on everything.
You don't have to have control.
So I just trusted.
When I was ready, I would sayhim or I would hear him in the
car he'd listen to podcasts oryoutube like affirmations of
meditation.
I did a lot of meditation firstand just the sound bowls or
frequencies.
That was more my thing in thebeginning because I didn't have
(30:23):
to force myself to hear things Ididn't connect with.
As time progressed, then it waswriting words.
I'm like I am a warrior, butI'm like I wrote these down on
the mirror and it was one or twoat a time, but then you see me
smiling like that's.
The craziest part is I watchedmyself smiling back in the
mirror as I'm writing this.
I'm like, wow, I really I feelthis I have in my 40 for 40 plus
(30:47):
years.
I've never been able to do that.
Now it's the hardest.
Lesson is when I have a friendwho's a medium and she had asked
me a question one day.
She's like write three wordsthat describe you.
And I did it's easy, right,like piece of cake.
She goes why did you pick threewords that describe what you do
for others?
And I I just felt like shit.
I was like, oh my God, soyou're right, I don't see you
(31:09):
writing you're beautiful.
Or I don't see you writingyou're powerful, like things
that describe you.
You described outgoing, giving,nurturing, everything that you
do for others.
Yeah, I was like, well, damn,so that's where I had to sit
with that.
Yeah, and that was what took solong was like I just really had
to fester and I had to sit inthe uncomfy, as I call it, yeah,
(31:31):
and I didn't know how long itwas gonna take, but I wasn't
gonna force myself out of theuncomfortable, I was just gonna
sit there with it.
If it was hours, minutes, days,weeks, I was like you're doing
it, you're gonna wake up, andyou might wake up crying, still
uncomfortable because you'refrustrated, because you want
this part of you to acknowledgewhatever it was there, where
they come from.
Like no, you're just gonna sitwith that.
You're not running fromanything anymore, you're just
(31:53):
sitting still.
Then, all of a sudden, my mirrorwas covered with words and I
left it up for a good, I think,six to nine months.
Nine months, and then I don'tneed these up anymore.
I already know.
I already know these words.
But so in the morning I wake upand I tell Alexa like all right
, tell me how the weather is,like, tell me my Bible verse for
the day or something.
Tell me a positive affirmationthat I'll like to, and then I'll
(32:15):
listen to it.
I'm like all right, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
I'm.
I love that.
I love that so much.
Yeah, I, I can attest to that.
And there's just sometimes,when you have to, I have this
app called think up and you canrecord your affirmations so you
listen to yourself tell youthese things.
And so I usually I listened towhat I call what is called a
daily fire every morning byBrendan Burchard.
He's like a high performancecoach, guru, awesome, and so I
(32:48):
have his app and I listened tohis like daily fire and it's
some type of thing that's goingto be great in between my ears,
and so I listened to that.
And then, as I'm brushing myteeth and looking at myself in
the mirror, I'm listening to myown affirmations said by myself,
and I also have, like my visionstory in there, so the things
that I want to see for my futureand and who I want to be, and
(33:12):
all of that.
And then from there, like so Ihave these like rituals in the
morning that very much align.
I meditate in the morning and Igo out for a walk, and those
are things that I align withthat.
Just center myself and put myoxygen mask on first, and then
I'm good for the world.
I wake up before everybody elseso do I.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
I've never become such a morning person as I am.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I guess I had to wake up early for teaching.
Speaker 1 (33:39):
But now I'm like weekends, I'm like, okay, 4 am
is just a little crazy.
But yeah, if I've been sittingin my office and I'm watching
the sunrise and I have all mybird feeders, now I become that
woman.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
I am a bird lady, I have.
I'm obsessed with cardinals, itreminds me of my dad.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I strongly feel.
It's like, oh, I have a visitor.
And then the other day I askeduniverse.
I'm like, all right, I don'tknow what I was thinking about.
I was thinking about somethingabout my past, like the past
year, or something, a reflectionof what I've asked, you know,
right down to my journal.
I'm like, all right, universe,I could use a yellow bird, very
uncommon over here.
So I was like I could use ayellow bird.
Never happened.
A yellow bird came right up tomy bird feeder and I kept
(34:21):
reflecting back to what it was Iwas going through.
I was like, okay, I know it's apowerful sign, but it's
confirmation.
So then I go to my car the nextday.
I get into my car and I justyou know how you feel, something
flying at you.
So I look at the window and theyellow bird landed on my window
.
It just like looked into my car.
I'm like, my god, I'm like I'mreally on the right path here.
(34:49):
Okay, I love that so much.
I love that so much.
Oh, my god, you hug the treeright now because of all the
cicadas.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
So I'm in florida so I'm not there yet, but yes, I
definitely like it's.
I go for my outside walk in themornings and it's like it's my
happy place now.
I love it so much.
So let us know what yourpodcast name is.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Infinite Love, and then it's kind of like Slash by
Kate, just because I thinkthere's a couple other ones out
there.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
I am so freaking honored to have met you and to
have had you on my podcast it is.
You have definitely beenthrough some really like against
all odds moments, and so Icommend you for all the work.
I love, like all that innerwork, man.
It's not easy, so I definitelyit's so worth it.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
You know what the easier is.
You are worth it.
You are worth it.
Don't be afraid of it, becauseonce you're done with that work,
you come out just even greater,even stronger, even more
powerful.
Speaker 2 (35:51):
Yeah, absolutely ah, you are awesome.
Oh my gosh, kate.
Thank you so much.
I so appreciate it, you guys,if just tell me what you got out
of today, because this is sogood.
Thanks again, kate.
I hope you all have a wonderfulrest of your day.
Thanks for listening.
Peace out, love your life.
Bye.
Well, there you have it.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
Like I said, the dualities, the connection, just
the soulful bond, just of ourhealing journeys, and you can
tell that for two people thatnever met each other, the
natural, natural connection andunderstanding and empathy and
compassion and love, and thatdrive for healing, for
self-worth, for self-love, twopeople on two separate journeys
(36:34):
coming together and sharing.
What better way of connectingwith another soul than this?
So my love and gratitude goesout to Maria Again.
I hope you all.
I know you've listened to it onmy podcast, but please go to my
YouTube station, kate Gutz, orcheck out my information in my
bio.
(36:54):
I'll have all the links forMaria's pages for social media
platforms.
But again, we are both liveduring this interaction.
So if you go to my YouTubechannel, you'll definitely see
us face to face, connecting,talking, sharing.
Anyways, much love and light toMaria, to all of you, Thank you
, thank you.
Thank you for spending anotherepisode with me on Infinite Love
(37:17):
.
Have a great one.
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The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Two Guys, Five Rings: Matt, Bowen & The Olympics
Two Guys (Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers). Five Rings (you know, from the Olympics logo). One essential podcast for the 2026 Milan-Cortina Winter Olympics. Bowen Yang (SNL, Wicked) and Matt Rogers (Palm Royale, No Good Deed) of Las Culturistas are back for a second season of Two Guys, Five Rings, a collaboration with NBC Sports and iHeartRadio. In this 15-episode event, Bowen and Matt discuss the top storylines, obsess over Italian culture, and find out what really goes on in the Olympic Village.