December 11, 2024 • 35 mins
Imagine facing the quirky challenges of Chicago's unpredictable weather, only to find profound insights into life's mysteries during a late-night car wash. That's the unexpected journey we're embarking on in this episode. We navigate through sleepless nights filled with contemplation about the potential changes in social media landscapes, like the possible shutdown of TikTok, and how these shifts could catalyze growth and innovation. We also dream about a future where resources are redirected to fight homelessness, poverty, and mental illness, and entertain the idea of creating an expansive animal sanctuary as a personal passion project.
Balancing self-care with life’s demands can feel like a tightrope walk, and we’re here to explore how prioritizing oneself is not just beneficial but essential. Honest conversations can be challenging, especially in a polarized world. We delve into the art of engaging in respectful dialogue, recognizing when it's time to walk away from unproductive discussions, and how staying true to oneself can lead to healthier interactions. We'll share the transformative power of self-awareness and personal growth as you learn to nurture relationships and cultivate a more balanced life.
A stranger’s unexpected breakfast gesture touched us deeply, inspiring a heartwarming conversation on the ripple effects of kindness. This simple act of generosity sparked the urge to pay it forward, reinforcing the belief that love and kindness can create significant change in the world. We reflect on how personal experiences with emotional numbness and the journey to sobriety have led to a deeper self-understanding and appreciation for life's simple joys. Get ready to celebrate the beauty of self-discovery and the profound impact of extending kindness in a world often overshadowed by power and greed. Join us as we navigate through growth, healing, and the transformative power of love.
Disclaimer: I am. ot a therapist, I am just sharing my self healing journey. What may work for me may not work for you, use your discernment.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of Infinite Love
with Kate Me.
So I've taken a little ride onthe wild side of thinking, of
pondering.
I know it's crazy, but my humanself has been asking a lot of
questions, stuff that my soulknows already, but there's just
so many layers I've been wantingto peel back.
(00:23):
So you get to join me on anepisode of what in the God's
Name Am I Thinking?
Buckle in.
But before we begin, welcome toChicago weather.
It is a heat wave that's goingon over here.
I know, I know what you'rethinking A heat wave in Chicago
during the winter.
I'm being facetious, but ifyou're from the Midwest, you
(00:46):
know what that means.
That means you went fromnegative degrees last week to 50
degrees today.
So yes, to us that is a heatwave, because there's nothing
better than the sun shiningbright, you walking out and just
sweatpants and a hoodie andenjoying life.
So that's our heat wave and I'msticking to it and I'm loving
(01:10):
every part of it.
In fact, I actually took my carfor a wash for the first time in
God knows how long I'm going totake accountability for this.
It's been a while, so I almostforgot what to do.
Yeah, I mean, I'm embarrassedto say it, but I gotta own it.
I had to roll down the windowand ask the.
Yeah, I mean I'm embarrassed tosay it, but I got to own it.
I had to roll down the windowand ask the guy, like can I use
(01:32):
my debit card?
I just didn't want to get stuckin the lines and those things
are a little intimidating.
I'm not going to lie, goingthrough one of those and making
sure it's done the right way.
I don't know.
I'm going to share the story,embarrass my father, but he went
in one of those and mistakenlywas it a rush and opened his
door and not realizing that themachine had come forward so it
had to go back, so it bent hisdoor.
(01:54):
Yes, it's happened to my fatherand that man knows a lot.
So if it can happen to him, itso can happen to his favorite
child, me.
But anyways, on a serious side,do I have time to be serious?
Okay, okay.
But so the questions I have Ihad to write them down because
there were so many and I don'tjust mean I sat down and threw
(02:17):
up a million questions all atonce, I'm talking.
This was going on for the pastcouple days.
I have been waking up inbetween 2 and 3 am every day
this week, except for last night.
Last night I slept like a baby,but I know that there's a lot
going on.
There's a lot of shifting andtransformations going on, a lot
(02:37):
of changes, and I could feelthat energetically.
That is so I was in my car, orat work, or at home, or in the
car wash and I was just comingup with these questions about
life and it dawned on me.
I was like, okay, so there's alot of critical thinking going
on, there's a lot ofperspectives and perceptions.
(02:59):
Why not just ask the world, seewhat you think, see if I could
take you to places where my mindwas going, and if I do, drop me
a message, let me know.
I'm intrigued because I've beenasking these questions based
upon conversations I've beenhaving or observing, and I love
(03:23):
it.
You know, before I probablywouldn't have said I loved it
because a lot of that stuffwould trigger me, but it doesn't
, because I'm looking at thesequestions from a multitude of
perspectives, not just mine, butfrom the world, and it's a
beautiful, beautiful way to lookat life, especially with the
(03:46):
way the world is working thesedays.
You know, I know that thebiggest topic right now for some
, or at least from myobservation is the worry about
TikTok.
You know, being shut down, andpeople obviously do their work
on TikTok.
That's their business and itscares them and I always look at
(04:09):
it as like if one door shuts,closes, it's meant to happen.
It's meant to push you into anew direction.
It's meant to inspire you andmotivate you to come up with
something new.
I personally think of it asgratitude.
The platform has helped me inso many ways.
It's allowed me to heal in somany ways, but it's also allowed
(04:30):
me to share in so manybeautiful ways and connect with
people and allow them theopportunity to not only walk
their journey with me, startwalking the journey for
themselves.
And what an honor, what ablessing.
That wasn't what I wasexpecting, but it's something
(04:51):
I'm grateful for.
So it doesn't scare me, I'm notafraid.
You know messages are meant tobe heard however they come
across.
So whatever I do with my timeafterwards, it's for a divine
purpose, for a greater purpose.
So I hold out hope that theywon't shut it down, but if they
(05:11):
do, they do.
I just hope it's not masshysteria, honestly, because then
we have to really take a stepback and see why we're so afraid
.
I know that that app tells moretruth than most media news
outlets.
I know that that scares ourgovernment.
I know that the world around usis based on power and greed and
(05:37):
people are starting to wake upto that.
I mean we should have beenwoken up to that a long time ago
.
I mean we should have beenwoken up to that a long time ago
.
But people are starting to actupon it Now.
Do I agree with how they'reacting upon it?
No, but I understand wherepeople are coming from.
I understand that we couldliterally heal the world with
(05:59):
the billions of dollars thatpeople own and have.
We could literally transformand change the lives of the
homeless, of the poor, of thoseaddicted mental illness.
I mean animal shelters no,that's always my goal to just
create the biggest and bestanimal sanctuary ever.
(06:21):
But it's a fear, and it's a fearand it's a realization that
power means a lot to some people.
It shouldn't.
I mean you can have it all oneminute and literally lose it all
in one second.
What does that say for yourself?
What does that mean to you?
(06:42):
So, like I said, this is wheremy mind goes, and it's all based
upon feeling everyone'senergies around me, observing
everyone's energies around meand also reflecting within my
own energy, because I too am apart of this beautiful divine
connection.
So let's get questions, allright?
(07:03):
So the first thing I came upwith was why do we make the
choices we make, knowing theywill impact our journey for the
better or for worse?
So it kind of ties along withwhat I just brought up.
Why do we make those choices Ifwe know that it's going to hurt
somebody or our own self?
(07:24):
Why do we still make thosedecisions?
Is it based out of conditioning?
Is it out of fear?
Is it out of addiction?
Is it out of lack?
So we have to replenishthinking that we need more.
Because when I look at thingslike I'm going to speak a little
bit about that CEO of aninsurance company that was just
(07:45):
recently and Billion DollarCorporation, he's the CEO.
He makes billions of dollarsoff the lives of others.
There has to be a point or atime in his life that he has to
look in that mirror and wonderwho he became.
(08:05):
When did he sell himself short?
Where did life take that turn?
Because I'm going to say andthis is my perspective, and you
don't have to agree that nohealed version of you could do
such a thing to others.
You have an ego.
Therefore you are unhealed, andthere's no way in the world you
(08:28):
would let innocent children oradults or teenagers die while
you're making millions off themand they're suffering.
Again, my perspective Now is itmy perspective and
understanding that someone likeElon Musk, who has billions, why
can't he fix the world with?
I mean, the man is talented.
(08:49):
Why not fix the world with hisimagination, with his smart?
Why not create a solution tothe water problems in Michigan?
Why not build housingdevelopments for the poor in
California?
I mean, it's everywhere.
I'm not trying to just singleout California, but why not
(09:11):
provide all this?
And I read somewhere wheresomeone made a comment of well,
it's not their job to do that.
You're absolutely right, it'snot.
I'm not expecting anyone to doit, but I could tell you that if
you came from a very healedplace, you would just do
something like that.
That would be your goal andyour intention.
(09:31):
But we obviously know thatthat's not the intention of a
lot of people, people around us,people we live with, people in
our environment, at our job.
And that's where my observationgoes, and I know that obviously
a lot of it has to do with myown healing and I know that I
was a part of that system, apart of that problem per se of
(09:54):
falling short because I wasexposing all of my unhealed
versions of myself.
But that's the accountabilityright there too.
So, which is why I think I'msitting in reflection now, is
not judging, because everyonehas their journey, everyone
chose their path and everyonecan make their choice for
(10:15):
themselves, a free will choiceto go right, go left, go up, go
down, left, go up, go down, andthen, along the way, you can
utilize the resources given toyou.
Whether you run into a specificperson or an angel or someone
can offer you something.
Do you take it without thinkingabout it, do you accept it
(10:37):
without questioning it, do youtake the leap without fearing?
You know there's so many thingsthat create our X, ys and Zs,
and before I probably would saythat I would just jump right
into everything without thinkingabout the repercussions or the
consequences or the pain or thedamages, anything, always just
(10:59):
holding that hope that it wasalways just going to go right,
naive, sure, unhealed, done.
And now I think more.
So I can't say I'm perfect,because I'm not.
I still find myself indifferent situations where I do
have to learn a lesson.
Am I mad at myself?
No, it's amazing where I'm atnow, in the sense of the logic,
(11:23):
the reasoning, the storylinethat goes behind it, before I
just jump into the unknown, Idon't know All right.
So the question is if we knowthere's a pattern or a cycle
that we're constantly in loop,repeating, why do we still do it
?
What lesson are we not learning?
Or why are we choosing toignore the lesson?
(11:44):
Now I'm going to say that a lotof this has to do with well, at
least for me.
When I was younger, I wasoppositional, I was angry, I was
naive and mostly I was immature, or, better words, didn't care,
(12:13):
even though within I cared, myexterior, I just didn't care.
Even though within I cared myexterior, I just didn't care.
Didn't care what theconsequences were, didn't care.
It was as if I was living lifeon the edge and didn't care
whether it went well or went bad.
You know, um, but this was at astage in my life where being
(12:36):
alive didn't feel so good.
So the only opposite thing tothink about was death, and it
was a battle.
You know, it's like the goodangel and the bad angel and you
sit there and you question andyou wonder about life.
I don't know.
I just I knew the patterns, butI was weak and I would be very
(12:56):
blunt and honest.
In high school, my insecuritiesbrought me to levels I don't
ever care to, ever, ever, ever,ever, ever go back to, which is
jealousy, manipulation, all ofit, love bombing, all of it.
That exemplified fear.
I was so afraid, so afraid tolose friendships, so afraid to
(13:19):
be alone, so afraid to facemyself in the mirror, so afraid
to live.
It's as if I was just walkingin fear my whole teenage years
and it was probably my darkestI've ever been in life.
The depths I took, my darknessand as I got older, you know,
(13:43):
especially in the last fouryears, I realized that instead
of hating myself in the darkness, it was learning to love that
version of my darkness andaccepting that it was there and
then healing, healing it to knowthat I don't ever have to do
those things again, I don't everhave to be that person again,
(14:03):
but love and appreciate thatperson for who she was, for who
she was protecting herself from.
That's all I could do.
But for the longest time I wasliterally hating, loathing that
dark side of me.
I was embarrassed, shameful ofit, and I didn't quite
(14:25):
understand how to fix thatversion of me or even realize
that that version of me could behealed, because I shouldn't say
fix, it just sounds like we'rebroken, we're not, we're just,
we're beautiful unhealed souls.
Realize that that version of mecould be healed, because I
don't.
I shouldn't say fixed, it justsounds like we're broken, we're
not, we're just, we're beautifulunhealed souls.
And that's what I just neededto acknowledge.
I let the darkness overshadowthe light that was already
(14:46):
within me and once I let thatlight back in, I saw, I put all
the pieces together witheverything I always said my life
was intertwined amongst manybeautiful things and I could
never quite explain what thatmeant until I started pulling
back the layers of every portionof myself Mind, body, soul,
(15:08):
heart, spirit, energy, spiritenergy.
When I started doing that, it'swhen I started seeing me for me
, the layers, the depths from myyounger ages to me now, and I
love that version of me, even ifthis version of me triggers
people, even if I don't quitealways feel like I belong, I'm
(15:32):
not meant to, it's okay.
I stand alone in some parts ofmy life, and that's okay.
I don't carry on all thefriendships I used to have
because I don't need to be seen,and it's okay.
I do things for myself in not aselfish manner, but I do things
to make sure that myself thatI'm pouring back into my cup.
(15:56):
I don't expect anyone else todo that for me, whereas before I
was always relying on that.
I don't need that.
Is it nice?
Is it welcome?
Sure, but I like the balance.
I like the balance between allmy relationships now.
I like the balance at work, athome, with family, with friends,
with connections, all of it.
(16:16):
It's healthier and it feltdifferent at first, but I love
it, as long as I know I'm notisolating myself and saying no
to people when I should besaying yes.
But I don't feel like I'misolating.
I feel like I'm just protectingmyself and allowing myself to,
you know heal, allowing myselfto rest, allowing myself to
(16:41):
refuel and recharge.
Coming from a special edteaching position, being out in
the open, exposed to all thedifferent emotions, the layers,
the behaviors, everything takesa toll on you, energetically as
well as physically.
So I make sure that I go homeand I pour back into myself, and
self-care is important foreveryone, not just me.
(17:03):
Everybody should be pouringinto themselves with self-care
and self-love all the time.
Don't ever doubt that.
Don't ever neglect yourself.
Don't ever wait for someone todo it for you either.
Do it for yourself.
It's a whole different worldwhen you start dating yourself,
when you start appreciating whoyou are and giving yourself
(17:25):
those things without shamingyourself, without feeling guilty
like, oh God, I just spent thatmuch money.
No fears, no fears.
Put that sword down.
That much money.
No fears, no fears.
Put that sword down.
Let that all in.
You deserve it.
You're worthy.
Let me hear you say it I amworthy, all right.
(17:47):
Next question what makes havingan honest conversation so
difficult and scary for peopleNow, especially with the way the
world is going these days?
Politics, right, not an easytopic.
Nor do I always jump into it.
I would say 95% of the time Iwon't, because I have learned to
listen, to feel, to reflect andthen to make that decision.
(18:11):
Pick your your battles wisely.
I don't need to have adifficult conversation with you
if it's only one-sided.
Now there are many people,especially with politics, that
are only one-sided.
I will listen to you.
I'm not a fan of Donald Trump,but I will listen to you.
It doesn't mean you're going tosway me.
(18:31):
So if you're sitting theretrying to tell me like I need to
feel this way with anything, itdoesn't even have to be
politics you will never, ever,anyone will ever come back into
my life and tell me how to think, how to feel, how to behave,
how to act, how to do.
Yeah, I'm not one to becontrolled.
You can't.
So, if that's anyone'sintention, keep moving, keep
(18:52):
walking along.
I don't desire to be controlled, I don't desire to be
manipulated.
It just doesn't work that wayHuman connection, keeping things
balanced, but keeping thingshonest and real.
Now, why is it so hard to havean honest conversation?
Well, one you have to reallyask yourself are you honest?
(19:14):
Are you coming from a healedversion or an unhealed version?
Is that other person thatyou're talking to coming from a
healed place or an unhealedplace?
Are you someone that reacts?
Are you someone that responds,and by response I mean sometimes
walking away without sayinganything?
You got to read the room,people.
It's the only way, and we'realready struggling in a world of
(19:39):
hate, of division, a worldwhere war is already at play.
Do you really think you'regoing to make a change by
throwing your ego into theconversation?
I'm right, you're wrong.
We're already off balance.
We're already off balance.
We're already going nowhere.
I was just telling someone thatyou can't expect change to take
(20:03):
place.
One, if you don't listen.
Two, if you don't have respectfor yourself or for others.
Three, if you go in so hungry,so thirsty with your ego that
you're screaming and dictatingand yelling and fighting, you go
from here to here in a matterof seconds.
(20:24):
It won't work.
It's never going to work.
That goes within the household,that goes in relationships,
that goes with friendships, thatgoes with work relationships.
That goes within society, withstrangers, with community.
You cannot think or expect tomake change, positive change.
Then someone asks well, what ifthat other person is so
(20:45):
one-sided and they're just pureevil Meaning?
I'll give an example they'reirate, they're yelling, they're
screaming, they're belittlingyou, okay, well, do you still
want to continue a conversation?
Will you get anywhere?
If you do continue aconversation with them?
Walk away.
(21:06):
Just simply say thank you foryour time.
But this conversation of beingthe bigger person when you come
from a healed place I'm notinsinuating that you should
start violence or have a violentreaction to someone who's
(21:29):
already violent.
I mean, you have to defendyourself no matter what.
But I'd rather walk awaybecause you can't change them.
You can try and you can stillstay within your space of love,
integrity, honesty.
You can still choose to be youin all of that without ever
having to change, becausesomeone can't reflect back to
(21:50):
you.
But you can mirror to them whatthey should see and it may
trigger the hell out of them andthat's good.
It's good to trigger somebody,as much as it's uncomfy.
It's really good to triggersomebody because what the
universe wants for them is toheal that part of them that's
triggered and that's up to them.
(22:10):
But it's not your job.
You cannot do the work for them.
You have to just hope, pray andcontinue to hold space with
love for those people.
That's all you can do.
But more good can come out ofthe world if we continue to do
the work within ourselves.
(22:31):
Now should you go gung-ho, gohealing the world?
But you're not healed.
You're only making it worse foryourself, because now you're
reflecting something that youaren't, and that's where the
honest conversations come in.
I've been there, coming from avery unhealed version of me.
My conversations weren't alwayshonest, when I wasn't feeling
(22:52):
right or when something made mefeel out of alignment.
I could have easily said thosethings, but it scared me more to
say that in a moment in fear,in fear of hurting the other
person, in fear of losing aconnection, in fear of feeling,
even though I was alreadyfeeling unaligned, and that was
(23:14):
uncomfortable.
So make that make sense.
Right, but it's what we do.
Make that make sense right, butit's what we do, it's what we
do.
So hold those honestconversations.
Now, when you're honest withsomeone, should you just go
straight for their jugularwithout any empathy or love to
go behind it?
No, because that's still comingfrom a non-healed version of
(23:36):
you.
If you cannot communicatewithout empathy and compassion
and you're going straight fortheir jugular, it's just going
to go back and forth, pain, painon pain.
Now, if you say something andthat person is triggered, that's
theirs.
Let it be theirs, just like.
If you're triggered, it's yours.
(23:56):
Sorry, you can't point thefinger and blame somebody else.
You're triggered, not for whatthey said, from what you feel,
and go dive deep within yourselfand see where that comes from.
But stop expecting the world todo the work and then you do
nothing, that won't work either.
I mean, unless that's the kindsof relationships you want to
build, so be it, but I won't bea part of that, all right.
(24:20):
Last question why do we pushpeople away?
Is it self-sabotage, is it fear?
What are we so afraid of whenwe let people in, when we
actually truly authentically letpeople in?
What does that feel like?
Is it something you've neverfelt before?
Or is it something you felt,but someone else already did the
(24:43):
damage?
So now you tend to run to, topush, to go numb.
I mean, we, I'm sure at onepoint we've all done it, we've
all pushed people away out offear, out of not understanding
what it was we were feeling, outof feeling overwhelmed by a
(25:03):
connection, by a friend, by asoul, by anyone.
It's easier to push away thanit is to allow anything to come
in and hurt you, right?
I mean, I've been there, donethat.
So why do we do the things wedo and why not go with it and
reflect Again more questions forthe soul?
So why do we do the things wedo and why not go within and
reflect again More questions forthe soul?
(25:24):
So you see, this is where I wasall week.
And there's a million more, I'mnot going to lie.
There are a million morequestions, but I think I've
taken you far enough on ajourney of pondering.
So ask yourself where am I atin life?
Where am I within this world,within these connections, within
(25:50):
this human design?
Where do I stand?
How many layers are there topeel up in, and not just for
ourselves, but for the world,trust me?
Then there's the conspiracytheories.
Don't get me started, but doyou ask yourself questions or do
you just carry on in life?
Here's a fun question how manytimes during the week do you
(26:12):
wonder where the day went, butyou never ask yourself where was
I during the day, that I can'teven remember where the day went
, and that tells you right therethat you lack being present in
the moment.
See, some of us and I'm guiltywhen I didn't care for life and
how it was going because itwasn't going my way, you wish
(26:33):
today away.
You really do, and you'rewishing the moments away, but in
that, during that time frame, Iwas not present for anything.
I was running from my emotionsand feelings, because in the
beginning, I was running fromdoing the work.
I began doing the healing work.
(26:53):
But there was this one pause,this one moment where I just
went completely numb and I couldnot explain it for the life of
me, until one day I figured itall out, but I couldn't believe
how numb I went, like I couldn'tfeel anything and I didn't even
see that coming.
I didn't even know what thatwas or why it hit me, but I
(27:16):
literally went numb.
It's as if I was channeling andfeeling somebody else who was
numb.
There was no explanation as towhy, because I was already doing
the's, as if I was channelingand feeling somebody else who
was numb.
There was no explanation as towhy because I was already doing
the work, so I was alreadyfeeling the feelings of
everything.
So why, abruptly, would I notfeel anything?
Why would I just go numb?
But it did serve a greaterpurpose because at the time it
(27:37):
allowed me to pull myself awayfor a reason that I really had
to.
I had to really pull myselfaway from all connections, from
everyone, because I was about toexperience the darkest of
moments of healing that I didn'tsee coming and I wasn't ready
(28:00):
for it.
But the universe is like I'm,and I wasn't ready for it, but
universe is like I'm going tomake you ready for it.
So I went numb and Idisappeared and I pulled away
and, yes, I was still living mylife, but I can't tell you a lot
about like a timeframe, becauseI was there but I wasn't.
(28:21):
It's the hardest thing toexplain.
And there's like a time framebecause I was there but I wasn't
.
It's it's the hardest thing toexplain and it there's like a
huge, like a good chunk, a gapduring my self-healing that it
doesn't make sense.
It literally doesn't make sense, because it feels like so much
time has passed but yet none.
Like looking back now with myheels off, looks like there was
(28:41):
no time to pass.
But as I obviously pull up thedates and everything and I'm
doing all of my projects and I'mlike, yeah, we're about to be
at 2025.
Okay, that what?
That's three years, that's overthree years, you know and I'm
like, hey, but where's, where'sthis little, this little pocket
of time?
Where was I?
(29:03):
And numb, I was numb and then itwas like I hit a brick wall of
darkest feelings and moments andmemories of my past and I think
the universe said I don't wantyou to experience everything at
once.
I know you feel this achingright here, but we're going to
pause that, we're going to numbyou and we're going to have you
feel different things from yourchildhood.
(29:25):
And then everything unraveled.
And there were times I mean, Ifound myself on the ground just
screaming and wishing that Ididn't choose this journey,
because once you begin thejourney, you really can't jump
off the healing journey.
I mean you can, but I think theonly way to do that for me in
(29:46):
my mind would be like literallyto jump into alcohol and drugs.
But alcohol was doing theopposite effect for me.
It wasn't numbing me, it wasamplifying all my emotions, all
my memories, all my feelings.
Does that make sense?
Because I know a lot of peopleutilize it to numb themselves,
and here it was doing theopposite.
So I was like you know what?
We're going to quit drinking,we're going to stop all that,
(30:08):
we're going to just stay sober.
And I wasn't a huge drinkeranyways, but it did a number on
me for all the times I everdrank in my past when I was
going through somethingtumultuous.
It really amplified my emotionsand I wasn't really proud of
those moments.
I'm happier because I don'tdrink and I'm greater for it,
because when I do feel thethings I have to feel.
(30:30):
I let them, I let myself feelout.
I don't run, I don't hide, Idon't mask anything.
It's like I feel those Allright, they're uncomfortable
Okay.
Mask anything.
It's like I feel those, allright, they're uncomfortable
Okay.
Would it be an emotional day?
Sure, let's do it.
I think my co-workers are likeI'm nuts, but I welcome, I don't
shame myself for how I feel,not anymore.
(30:54):
So basically, I went through allthese changes the last four
years that, if you were to lookat it, it's like a freaking
roller coaster ride of chaos andit really, really taught me a
lot about self-love and abouthealing and self-care and truly,
(31:19):
truly pouring back intoyourself.
And for me it was taking myselfon dates.
I did a staycation in the city,spent good money on a hotel and
tickets to an orchestra concert, just stuff that I would
thoroughly enjoy, and I just, Ireally treated myself.
And then this year alone whichI'll get more into in a later
(31:41):
episode, but just treatingmyself to vacations and
adventures, stuff I really enjoyand I don't feel guilty about
or shame myself, I'm just happy.
Now, can I do this all the time?
I'm sure I mean I can, but Idon't need to.
How about that?
(32:02):
Yes, I can take myself on manyvacations.
I don't need to.
I just I listen to what my soulneeds in the moment.
And this year alone I didexactly what my soul needs.
And right now my soul justwants to be a homebody, it wants
to stick around and like I feellike something's brewing,
something big is coming and I'mexcited.
(32:23):
I don't know what it is, I'mjust kind of going along for the
ride, like today was abeautiful gift, today was a heat
wave, so how can you complain?
But this whole weekend was great.
I was blessed.
I was out with a co-worker.
We went out to breakfast.
After we did a couple things,we went shopping and I convinced
(32:44):
her.
I was like, let's go out forbreakfast, let's just sit.
I really wanted breakfast.
It was the afternoon but Ireally wanted breakfast.
So we went over and we weresitting down at the restaurant
and this cute, sweet woman waslike calling my friend over.
So my friend, she's like youknow, girl, I don't want to get
(33:04):
up, but she gets over and shegoes over to her and then she
sits back down and she tells meshe's like she's buying our
breakfast for us and I justsmiled and was like that is the
sweetest thing, like this womandoesn't even know us.
We literally just sat down.
She called my friend over mycoworker, and she was just like
I want to buy you, girls, yourbreakfast.
(33:25):
And my friend was besideherself.
She's like, oh, she's like youcan tell it's like uncomfortable
.
And I was asking her I'm likedoes it make you uncomfortable
when someone does something nicefor you?
She's like, yeah, I saidbecause you're not used to it.
I'm like you probably give,which she does.
I mean she always gives methese cute little random gifts
all the time.
And I told her, I said I'm thesame way.
(33:46):
I'm like, until I learn toappreciate, I said it's still
uncomfortable, it still isawkward because you want to give
back.
Because in fact what I wasdoing was I was going to treat
my friend to breakfast becauseit was my idea.
So it's funny how the universeworks that way.
You know, it's the universesaying you know what you both
(34:07):
are.
Good, I got you, and so thewoman paid.
So then we realized we weren'tsure if she gave a tip.
So I ended up buying like alemonade and then I was like
well, let's pay it forward.
So we gave the girl an extra bigtip and we both agreed.
We said at the same time, we'relike we have to pay it forward.
So we gave the girl an extrabig tip and we both agreed.
We said at the same time, we'relike we have to pay it forward.
You know, it's always good tospread that love and no matter
(34:30):
what season, what time of theyear it is, it's always good to
just pay things forward Becauseyou're blessed and you don't do
it for the blessings, you do itfor love and kindness.
And spreading love and kindness, because that is what changes
the world, not greed, not power.
Love and kindness, doing thework for yourself, doing that
(34:53):
inner work, that shadow work,healing yourself to then spread
that wild.
So before I end this wonderfulrandom episode of what in the
what was I thinking, I just wantto say thank you and I love you
, take care.
Welcome back to another episode of Infinite Love
with Kate Me.
So I've taken a little ride onthe wild side of thinking, of
pondering.
I know it's crazy, but my humanself has been asking a lot of
questions, stuff that my soulknows already, but there's just
so many layers I've been wantingto peel back.
(00:23):
So you get to join me on anepisode of what in the God's
Name Am I Thinking?
Buckle in.
But before we begin, welcome toChicago weather.
It is a heat wave that's goingon over here.
I know, I know what you'rethinking A heat wave in Chicago
during the winter.
I'm being facetious, but ifyou're from the Midwest, you
(00:46):
know what that means.
That means you went fromnegative degrees last week to 50
degrees today.
So yes, to us that is a heatwave, because there's nothing
better than the sun shiningbright, you walking out and just
sweatpants and a hoodie andenjoying life.
So that's our heat wave and I'msticking to it and I'm loving
(01:10):
every part of it.
In fact, I actually took my carfor a wash for the first time in
God knows how long I'm going totake accountability for this.
It's been a while, so I almostforgot what to do.
Yeah, I mean, I'm embarrassedto say it, but I gotta own it.
I had to roll down the windowand ask the.
Yeah, I mean I'm embarrassed tosay it, but I got to own it.
I had to roll down the windowand ask the guy, like can I use
(01:32):
my debit card?
I just didn't want to get stuckin the lines and those things
are a little intimidating.
I'm not going to lie, goingthrough one of those and making
sure it's done the right way.
I don't know.
I'm going to share the story,embarrass my father, but he went
in one of those and mistakenlywas it a rush and opened his
door and not realizing that themachine had come forward so it
had to go back, so it bent hisdoor.
(01:54):
Yes, it's happened to my fatherand that man knows a lot.
So if it can happen to him, itso can happen to his favorite
child, me.
But anyways, on a serious side,do I have time to be serious?
Okay, okay.
But so the questions I have Ihad to write them down because
there were so many and I don'tjust mean I sat down and threw
(02:17):
up a million questions all atonce, I'm talking.
This was going on for the pastcouple days.
I have been waking up inbetween 2 and 3 am every day
this week, except for last night.
Last night I slept like a baby,but I know that there's a lot
going on.
There's a lot of shifting andtransformations going on, a lot
(02:37):
of changes, and I could feelthat energetically.
That is so I was in my car, orat work, or at home, or in the
car wash and I was just comingup with these questions about
life and it dawned on me.
I was like, okay, so there's alot of critical thinking going
on, there's a lot ofperspectives and perceptions.
(02:59):
Why not just ask the world, seewhat you think, see if I could
take you to places where my mindwas going, and if I do, drop me
a message, let me know.
I'm intrigued because I've beenasking these questions based
upon conversations I've beenhaving or observing, and I love
(03:23):
it.
You know, before I probablywouldn't have said I loved it
because a lot of that stuffwould trigger me, but it doesn't
, because I'm looking at thesequestions from a multitude of
perspectives, not just mine, butfrom the world, and it's a
beautiful, beautiful way to lookat life, especially with the
(03:46):
way the world is working thesedays.
You know, I know that thebiggest topic right now for some
, or at least from myobservation is the worry about
TikTok.
You know, being shut down, andpeople obviously do their work
on TikTok.
That's their business and itscares them and I always look at
(04:09):
it as like if one door shuts,closes, it's meant to happen.
It's meant to push you into anew direction.
It's meant to inspire you andmotivate you to come up with
something new.
I personally think of it asgratitude.
The platform has helped me inso many ways.
It's allowed me to heal in somany ways, but it's also allowed
(04:30):
me to share in so manybeautiful ways and connect with
people and allow them theopportunity to not only walk
their journey with me, startwalking the journey for
themselves.
And what an honor, what ablessing.
That wasn't what I wasexpecting, but it's something
(04:51):
I'm grateful for.
So it doesn't scare me, I'm notafraid.
You know messages are meant tobe heard however they come
across.
So whatever I do with my timeafterwards, it's for a divine
purpose, for a greater purpose.
So I hold out hope that theywon't shut it down, but if they
(05:11):
do, they do.
I just hope it's not masshysteria, honestly, because then
we have to really take a stepback and see why we're so afraid
.
I know that that app tells moretruth than most media news
outlets.
I know that that scares ourgovernment.
I know that the world around usis based on power and greed and
(05:37):
people are starting to wake upto that.
I mean we should have beenwoken up to that a long time ago
.
I mean we should have beenwoken up to that a long time ago
.
But people are starting to actupon it Now.
Do I agree with how they'reacting upon it?
No, but I understand wherepeople are coming from.
I understand that we couldliterally heal the world with
(05:59):
the billions of dollars thatpeople own and have.
We could literally transformand change the lives of the
homeless, of the poor, of thoseaddicted mental illness.
I mean animal shelters no,that's always my goal to just
create the biggest and bestanimal sanctuary ever.
(06:21):
But it's a fear, and it's a fearand it's a realization that
power means a lot to some people.
It shouldn't.
I mean you can have it all oneminute and literally lose it all
in one second.
What does that say for yourself?
What does that mean to you?
(06:42):
So, like I said, this is wheremy mind goes, and it's all based
upon feeling everyone'senergies around me, observing
everyone's energies around meand also reflecting within my
own energy, because I too am apart of this beautiful divine
connection.
So let's get questions, allright?
(07:03):
So the first thing I came upwith was why do we make the
choices we make, knowing theywill impact our journey for the
better or for worse?
So it kind of ties along withwhat I just brought up.
Why do we make those choices Ifwe know that it's going to hurt
somebody or our own self?
(07:24):
Why do we still make thosedecisions?
Is it based out of conditioning?
Is it out of fear?
Is it out of addiction?
Is it out of lack?
So we have to replenishthinking that we need more.
Because when I look at thingslike I'm going to speak a little
bit about that CEO of aninsurance company that was just
(07:45):
recently and Billion DollarCorporation, he's the CEO.
He makes billions of dollarsoff the lives of others.
There has to be a point or atime in his life that he has to
look in that mirror and wonderwho he became.
(08:05):
When did he sell himself short?
Where did life take that turn?
Because I'm going to say andthis is my perspective, and you
don't have to agree that nohealed version of you could do
such a thing to others.
You have an ego.
Therefore you are unhealed, andthere's no way in the world you
(08:28):
would let innocent children oradults or teenagers die while
you're making millions off themand they're suffering.
Again, my perspective Now is itmy perspective and
understanding that someone likeElon Musk, who has billions, why
can't he fix the world with?
I mean, the man is talented.
(08:49):
Why not fix the world with hisimagination, with his smart?
Why not create a solution tothe water problems in Michigan?
Why not build housingdevelopments for the poor in
California?
I mean, it's everywhere.
I'm not trying to just singleout California, but why not
(09:11):
provide all this?
And I read somewhere wheresomeone made a comment of well,
it's not their job to do that.
You're absolutely right, it'snot.
I'm not expecting anyone to doit, but I could tell you that if
you came from a very healedplace, you would just do
something like that.
That would be your goal andyour intention.
(09:31):
But we obviously know thatthat's not the intention of a
lot of people, people around us,people we live with, people in
our environment, at our job.
And that's where my observationgoes, and I know that obviously
a lot of it has to do with myown healing and I know that I
was a part of that system, apart of that problem per se of
(09:54):
falling short because I wasexposing all of my unhealed
versions of myself.
But that's the accountabilityright there too.
So, which is why I think I'msitting in reflection now, is
not judging, because everyonehas their journey, everyone
chose their path and everyonecan make their choice for
(10:15):
themselves, a free will choiceto go right, go left, go up, go
down, left, go up, go down, andthen, along the way, you can
utilize the resources given toyou.
Whether you run into a specificperson or an angel or someone
can offer you something.
Do you take it without thinkingabout it, do you accept it
(10:37):
without questioning it, do youtake the leap without fearing?
You know there's so many thingsthat create our X, ys and Zs,
and before I probably would saythat I would just jump right
into everything without thinkingabout the repercussions or the
consequences or the pain or thedamages, anything, always just
(10:59):
holding that hope that it wasalways just going to go right,
naive, sure, unhealed, done.
And now I think more.
So I can't say I'm perfect,because I'm not.
I still find myself indifferent situations where I do
have to learn a lesson.
Am I mad at myself?
No, it's amazing where I'm atnow, in the sense of the logic,
(11:23):
the reasoning, the storylinethat goes behind it, before I
just jump into the unknown, Idon't know All right.
So the question is if we knowthere's a pattern or a cycle
that we're constantly in loop,repeating, why do we still do it
?
What lesson are we not learning?
Or why are we choosing toignore the lesson?
(11:44):
Now I'm going to say that a lotof this has to do with well, at
least for me.
When I was younger, I wasoppositional, I was angry, I was
naive and mostly I was immature, or, better words, didn't care,
(12:13):
even though within I cared, myexterior, I just didn't care.
Even though within I cared myexterior, I just didn't care.
Didn't care what theconsequences were, didn't care.
It was as if I was living lifeon the edge and didn't care
whether it went well or went bad.
You know, um, but this was at astage in my life where being
(12:36):
alive didn't feel so good.
So the only opposite thing tothink about was death, and it
was a battle.
You know, it's like the goodangel and the bad angel and you
sit there and you question andyou wonder about life.
I don't know.
I just I knew the patterns, butI was weak and I would be very
(12:56):
blunt and honest.
In high school, my insecuritiesbrought me to levels I don't
ever care to, ever, ever, ever,ever, ever go back to, which is
jealousy, manipulation, all ofit, love bombing, all of it.
That exemplified fear.
I was so afraid, so afraid tolose friendships, so afraid to
(13:19):
be alone, so afraid to facemyself in the mirror, so afraid
to live.
It's as if I was just walkingin fear my whole teenage years
and it was probably my darkestI've ever been in life.
The depths I took, my darknessand as I got older, you know,
(13:43):
especially in the last fouryears, I realized that instead
of hating myself in the darkness, it was learning to love that
version of my darkness andaccepting that it was there and
then healing, healing it to knowthat I don't ever have to do
those things again, I don't everhave to be that person again,
(14:03):
but love and appreciate thatperson for who she was, for who
she was protecting herself from.
That's all I could do.
But for the longest time I wasliterally hating, loathing that
dark side of me.
I was embarrassed, shameful ofit, and I didn't quite
(14:25):
understand how to fix thatversion of me or even realize
that that version of me could behealed, because I shouldn't say
fix, it just sounds like we'rebroken, we're not, we're just,
we're beautiful unhealed souls.
Realize that that version of mecould be healed, because I
don't.
I shouldn't say fixed, it justsounds like we're broken, we're
not, we're just, we're beautifulunhealed souls.
And that's what I just neededto acknowledge.
I let the darkness overshadowthe light that was already
(14:46):
within me and once I let thatlight back in, I saw, I put all
the pieces together witheverything I always said my life
was intertwined amongst manybeautiful things and I could
never quite explain what thatmeant until I started pulling
back the layers of every portionof myself Mind, body, soul,
(15:08):
heart, spirit, energy, spiritenergy.
When I started doing that, it'swhen I started seeing me for me
, the layers, the depths from myyounger ages to me now, and I
love that version of me, even ifthis version of me triggers
people, even if I don't quitealways feel like I belong, I'm
(15:32):
not meant to, it's okay.
I stand alone in some parts ofmy life, and that's okay.
I don't carry on all thefriendships I used to have
because I don't need to be seen,and it's okay.
I do things for myself in not aselfish manner, but I do things
to make sure that myself thatI'm pouring back into my cup.
(15:56):
I don't expect anyone else todo that for me, whereas before I
was always relying on that.
I don't need that.
Is it nice?
Is it welcome?
Sure, but I like the balance.
I like the balance between allmy relationships now.
I like the balance at work, athome, with family, with friends,
with connections, all of it.
(16:16):
It's healthier and it feltdifferent at first, but I love
it, as long as I know I'm notisolating myself and saying no
to people when I should besaying yes.
But I don't feel like I'misolating.
I feel like I'm just protectingmyself and allowing myself to,
you know heal, allowing myselfto rest, allowing myself to
(16:41):
refuel and recharge.
Coming from a special edteaching position, being out in
the open, exposed to all thedifferent emotions, the layers,
the behaviors, everything takesa toll on you, energetically as
well as physically.
So I make sure that I go homeand I pour back into myself, and
self-care is important foreveryone, not just me.
(17:03):
Everybody should be pouringinto themselves with self-care
and self-love all the time.
Don't ever doubt that.
Don't ever neglect yourself.
Don't ever wait for someone todo it for you either.
Do it for yourself.
It's a whole different worldwhen you start dating yourself,
when you start appreciating whoyou are and giving yourself
(17:25):
those things without shamingyourself, without feeling guilty
like, oh God, I just spent thatmuch money.
No fears, no fears.
Put that sword down.
That much money.
No fears, no fears.
Put that sword down.
Let that all in.
You deserve it.
You're worthy.
Let me hear you say it I amworthy, all right.
(17:47):
Next question what makes havingan honest conversation so
difficult and scary for peopleNow, especially with the way the
world is going these days?
Politics, right, not an easytopic.
Nor do I always jump into it.
I would say 95% of the time Iwon't, because I have learned to
listen, to feel, to reflect andthen to make that decision.
(18:11):
Pick your your battles wisely.
I don't need to have adifficult conversation with you
if it's only one-sided.
Now there are many people,especially with politics, that
are only one-sided.
I will listen to you.
I'm not a fan of Donald Trump,but I will listen to you.
It doesn't mean you're going tosway me.
(18:31):
So if you're sitting theretrying to tell me like I need to
feel this way with anything, itdoesn't even have to be
politics you will never, ever,anyone will ever come back into
my life and tell me how to think, how to feel, how to behave,
how to act, how to do.
Yeah, I'm not one to becontrolled.
You can't.
So, if that's anyone'sintention, keep moving, keep
(18:52):
walking along.
I don't desire to be controlled, I don't desire to be
manipulated.
It just doesn't work that wayHuman connection, keeping things
balanced, but keeping thingshonest and real.
Now, why is it so hard to havean honest conversation?
Well, one you have to reallyask yourself are you honest?
(19:14):
Are you coming from a healedversion or an unhealed version?
Is that other person thatyou're talking to coming from a
healed place or an unhealedplace?
Are you someone that reacts?
Are you someone that responds,and by response I mean sometimes
walking away without sayinganything?
You got to read the room,people.
It's the only way, and we'realready struggling in a world of
(19:39):
hate, of division, a worldwhere war is already at play.
Do you really think you'regoing to make a change by
throwing your ego into theconversation?
I'm right, you're wrong.
We're already off balance.
We're already off balance.
We're already going nowhere.
I was just telling someone thatyou can't expect change to take
(20:03):
place.
One, if you don't listen.
Two, if you don't have respectfor yourself or for others.
Three, if you go in so hungry,so thirsty with your ego that
you're screaming and dictatingand yelling and fighting, you go
from here to here in a matterof seconds.
(20:24):
It won't work.
It's never going to work.
That goes within the household,that goes in relationships,
that goes with friendships, thatgoes with work relationships.
That goes within society, withstrangers, with community.
You cannot think or expect tomake change, positive change.
Then someone asks well, what ifthat other person is so
(20:45):
one-sided and they're just pureevil Meaning?
I'll give an example they'reirate, they're yelling, they're
screaming, they're belittlingyou, okay, well, do you still
want to continue a conversation?
Will you get anywhere?
If you do continue aconversation with them?
Walk away.
(21:06):
Just simply say thank you foryour time.
But this conversation of beingthe bigger person when you come
from a healed place I'm notinsinuating that you should
start violence or have a violentreaction to someone who's
(21:29):
already violent.
I mean, you have to defendyourself no matter what.
But I'd rather walk awaybecause you can't change them.
You can try and you can stillstay within your space of love,
integrity, honesty.
You can still choose to be youin all of that without ever
having to change, becausesomeone can't reflect back to
(21:50):
you.
But you can mirror to them whatthey should see and it may
trigger the hell out of them andthat's good.
It's good to trigger somebody,as much as it's uncomfy.
It's really good to triggersomebody because what the
universe wants for them is toheal that part of them that's
triggered and that's up to them.
(22:10):
But it's not your job.
You cannot do the work for them.
You have to just hope, pray andcontinue to hold space with
love for those people.
That's all you can do.
But more good can come out ofthe world if we continue to do
the work within ourselves.
(22:31):
Now should you go gung-ho, gohealing the world?
But you're not healed.
You're only making it worse foryourself, because now you're
reflecting something that youaren't, and that's where the
honest conversations come in.
I've been there, coming from avery unhealed version of me.
My conversations weren't alwayshonest, when I wasn't feeling
(22:52):
right or when something made mefeel out of alignment.
I could have easily said thosethings, but it scared me more to
say that in a moment in fear,in fear of hurting the other
person, in fear of losing aconnection, in fear of feeling,
even though I was alreadyfeeling unaligned, and that was
(23:14):
uncomfortable.
So make that make sense.
Right, but it's what we do.
Make that make sense right, butit's what we do, it's what we
do.
So hold those honestconversations.
Now, when you're honest withsomeone, should you just go
straight for their jugularwithout any empathy or love to
go behind it?
No, because that's still comingfrom a non-healed version of
(23:36):
you.
If you cannot communicatewithout empathy and compassion
and you're going straight fortheir jugular, it's just going
to go back and forth, pain, painon pain.
Now, if you say something andthat person is triggered, that's
theirs.
Let it be theirs, just like.
If you're triggered, it's yours.
(23:56):
Sorry, you can't point thefinger and blame somebody else.
You're triggered, not for whatthey said, from what you feel,
and go dive deep within yourselfand see where that comes from.
But stop expecting the world todo the work and then you do
nothing, that won't work either.
I mean, unless that's the kindsof relationships you want to
build, so be it, but I won't bea part of that, all right.
(24:20):
Last question why do we pushpeople away?
Is it self-sabotage, is it fear?
What are we so afraid of whenwe let people in, when we
actually truly authentically letpeople in?
What does that feel like?
Is it something you've neverfelt before?
Or is it something you felt,but someone else already did the
(24:43):
damage?
So now you tend to run to, topush, to go numb.
I mean, we, I'm sure at onepoint we've all done it, we've
all pushed people away out offear, out of not understanding
what it was we were feeling, outof feeling overwhelmed by a
(25:03):
connection, by a friend, by asoul, by anyone.
It's easier to push away thanit is to allow anything to come
in and hurt you, right?
I mean, I've been there, donethat.
So why do we do the things wedo and why not go with it and
reflect Again more questions forthe soul?
So why do we do the things wedo and why not go within and
reflect again More questions forthe soul?
(25:24):
So you see, this is where I wasall week.
And there's a million more, I'mnot going to lie.
There are a million morequestions, but I think I've
taken you far enough on ajourney of pondering.
So ask yourself where am I atin life?
Where am I within this world,within these connections, within
(25:50):
this human design?
Where do I stand?
How many layers are there topeel up in, and not just for
ourselves, but for the world,trust me?
Then there's the conspiracytheories.
Don't get me started, but doyou ask yourself questions or do
you just carry on in life?
Here's a fun question how manytimes during the week do you
(26:12):
wonder where the day went, butyou never ask yourself where was
I during the day, that I can'teven remember where the day went
, and that tells you right therethat you lack being present in
the moment.
See, some of us and I'm guiltywhen I didn't care for life and
how it was going because itwasn't going my way, you wish
(26:33):
today away.
You really do, and you'rewishing the moments away, but in
that, during that time frame, Iwas not present for anything.
I was running from my emotionsand feelings, because in the
beginning, I was running fromdoing the work.
I began doing the healing work.
(26:53):
But there was this one pause,this one moment where I just
went completely numb and I couldnot explain it for the life of
me, until one day I figured itall out, but I couldn't believe
how numb I went, like I couldn'tfeel anything and I didn't even
see that coming.
I didn't even know what thatwas or why it hit me, but I
(27:16):
literally went numb.
It's as if I was channeling andfeeling somebody else who was
numb.
There was no explanation as towhy, because I was already doing
the's, as if I was channelingand feeling somebody else who
was numb.
There was no explanation as towhy because I was already doing
the work, so I was alreadyfeeling the feelings of
everything.
So why, abruptly, would I notfeel anything?
Why would I just go numb?
But it did serve a greaterpurpose because at the time it
(27:37):
allowed me to pull myself awayfor a reason that I really had
to.
I had to really pull myselfaway from all connections, from
everyone, because I was about toexperience the darkest of
moments of healing that I didn'tsee coming and I wasn't ready
(28:00):
for it.
But the universe is like I'm,and I wasn't ready for it, but
universe is like I'm going tomake you ready for it.
So I went numb and Idisappeared and I pulled away
and, yes, I was still living mylife, but I can't tell you a lot
about like a timeframe, becauseI was there but I wasn't.
(28:21):
It's the hardest thing toexplain.
And there's like a time framebecause I was there but I wasn't
.
It's it's the hardest thing toexplain and it there's like a
huge, like a good chunk, a gapduring my self-healing that it
doesn't make sense.
It literally doesn't make sense, because it feels like so much
time has passed but yet none.
Like looking back now with myheels off, looks like there was
(28:41):
no time to pass.
But as I obviously pull up thedates and everything and I'm
doing all of my projects and I'mlike, yeah, we're about to be
at 2025.
Okay, that what?
That's three years, that's overthree years, you know and I'm
like, hey, but where's, where'sthis little, this little pocket
of time?
Where was I?
(29:03):
And numb, I was numb and then itwas like I hit a brick wall of
darkest feelings and moments andmemories of my past and I think
the universe said I don't wantyou to experience everything at
once.
I know you feel this achingright here, but we're going to
pause that, we're going to numbyou and we're going to have you
feel different things from yourchildhood.
(29:25):
And then everything unraveled.
And there were times I mean, Ifound myself on the ground just
screaming and wishing that Ididn't choose this journey,
because once you begin thejourney, you really can't jump
off the healing journey.
I mean you can, but I think theonly way to do that for me in
(29:46):
my mind would be like literallyto jump into alcohol and drugs.
But alcohol was doing theopposite effect for me.
It wasn't numbing me, it wasamplifying all my emotions, all
my memories, all my feelings.
Does that make sense?
Because I know a lot of peopleutilize it to numb themselves,
and here it was doing theopposite.
So I was like you know what?
We're going to quit drinking,we're going to stop all that,
(30:08):
we're going to just stay sober.
And I wasn't a huge drinkeranyways, but it did a number on
me for all the times I everdrank in my past when I was
going through somethingtumultuous.
It really amplified my emotionsand I wasn't really proud of
those moments.
I'm happier because I don'tdrink and I'm greater for it,
because when I do feel thethings I have to feel.
(30:30):
I let them, I let myself feelout.
I don't run, I don't hide, Idon't mask anything.
It's like I feel those Allright, they're uncomfortable
Okay.
Mask anything.
It's like I feel those, allright, they're uncomfortable
Okay.
Would it be an emotional day?
Sure, let's do it.
I think my co-workers are likeI'm nuts, but I welcome, I don't
shame myself for how I feel,not anymore.
(30:54):
So basically, I went through allthese changes the last four
years that, if you were to lookat it, it's like a freaking
roller coaster ride of chaos andit really, really taught me a
lot about self-love and abouthealing and self-care and truly,
(31:19):
truly pouring back intoyourself.
And for me it was taking myselfon dates.
I did a staycation in the city,spent good money on a hotel and
tickets to an orchestra concert, just stuff that I would
thoroughly enjoy, and I just, Ireally treated myself.
And then this year alone whichI'll get more into in a later
(31:41):
episode, but just treatingmyself to vacations and
adventures, stuff I really enjoyand I don't feel guilty about
or shame myself, I'm just happy.
Now, can I do this all the time?
I'm sure I mean I can, but Idon't need to.
How about that?
(32:02):
Yes, I can take myself on manyvacations.
I don't need to.
I just I listen to what my soulneeds in the moment.
And this year alone I didexactly what my soul needs.
And right now my soul justwants to be a homebody, it wants
to stick around and like I feellike something's brewing,
something big is coming and I'mexcited.
(32:23):
I don't know what it is, I'mjust kind of going along for the
ride, like today was abeautiful gift, today was a heat
wave, so how can you complain?
But this whole weekend was great.
I was blessed.
I was out with a co-worker.
We went out to breakfast.
After we did a couple things,we went shopping and I convinced
(32:44):
her.
I was like, let's go out forbreakfast, let's just sit.
I really wanted breakfast.
It was the afternoon but Ireally wanted breakfast.
So we went over and we weresitting down at the restaurant
and this cute, sweet woman waslike calling my friend over.
So my friend, she's like youknow, girl, I don't want to get
(33:04):
up, but she gets over and shegoes over to her and then she
sits back down and she tells meshe's like she's buying our
breakfast for us and I justsmiled and was like that is the
sweetest thing, like this womandoesn't even know us.
We literally just sat down.
She called my friend over mycoworker, and she was just like
I want to buy you, girls, yourbreakfast.
(33:25):
And my friend was besideherself.
She's like, oh, she's like youcan tell it's like uncomfortable
.
And I was asking her I'm likedoes it make you uncomfortable
when someone does something nicefor you?
She's like, yeah, I saidbecause you're not used to it.
I'm like you probably give,which she does.
I mean she always gives methese cute little random gifts
all the time.
And I told her, I said I'm thesame way.
(33:46):
I'm like, until I learn toappreciate, I said it's still
uncomfortable, it still isawkward because you want to give
back.
Because in fact what I wasdoing was I was going to treat
my friend to breakfast becauseit was my idea.
So it's funny how the universeworks that way.
You know, it's the universesaying you know what you both
(34:07):
are.
Good, I got you, and so thewoman paid.
So then we realized we weren'tsure if she gave a tip.
So I ended up buying like alemonade and then I was like
well, let's pay it forward.
So we gave the girl an extra bigtip and we both agreed.
We said at the same time, we'relike we have to pay it forward.
So we gave the girl an extrabig tip and we both agreed.
We said at the same time, we'relike we have to pay it forward.
You know, it's always good tospread that love and no matter
(34:30):
what season, what time of theyear it is, it's always good to
just pay things forward Becauseyou're blessed and you don't do
it for the blessings, you do itfor love and kindness.
And spreading love and kindness, because that is what changes
the world, not greed, not power.
Love and kindness, doing thework for yourself, doing that
(34:53):
inner work, that shadow work,healing yourself to then spread
that wild.
So before I end this wonderfulrandom episode of what in the
what was I thinking, I just wantto say thank you and I love you
, take care.
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