January 22, 2025 • 39 mins
Join me as I am in the hot seat, but in a beautiful way, as I sit down with Laura Flowers, as a guest on her podcast: Rediscovering You. I love it when universe aligns you with the rights souls, divine timing and with divine gifts; as I had desired to collaborate with amazing souls just days before, as I reflected with universe my desires for 2025. For the complete episode please go to her podcast (link below) to find out what she beautifully pulled out of me, insect a transcendent way.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rediscovering-you/id1778973386?i=1000683731891
https://facebook.com/laura.stroh.3
"Kate Gutierrez's heartfelt journey reveals the complexities of embracing one's identity amid adversity. By sharing her struggles with Crouzon syndrome, she highlights the importance of self-acceptance and the power of choosing love over societal judgments and labels. "
• Kate’s early fight for a proper diagnosis
• The emotional impact of surgeries on her identity
• Grappling with external perceptions vs. internal self-worth
• Her journey into special education and empowerment
• The significance of choosing love over fear in healing
• Reflections on sensitivity as a strength
• Insights into transforming pain into purpose
• Calls for empathy in a world of differences
Disclaimer: The episode is an edit of Laura Flowers podcast episode of Rediscovering You.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to episode 80 of Infinite Love with
Kate.
So on today's special, specialepisode, I will be airing my
guest spot on an amazing,amazing podcast called
Rediscovering you with LauraFlowers.
So I had the honor and privilegeof guest speaking or being a
guest on her podcast a coupleweeks ago and, amazingly, she
(00:23):
was able to then transfer overthe files and I get to share it
with you.
But there's one catch I'm notgoing to air the whole thing
because I would truly love foryou to hear or listen to the
entire podcast episode on herpage.
To you know, give her thesupport as well.
But there's a special surpriseat the end of this episode,
(00:43):
which she had asked me aquestion and I shared something
very, very personal, I would say, something I haven't shared
with anyone, but Universe pulledit right out of me, she pulled
it right out of me and I washappy to share it with her.
So if that doesn't entice youto go ahead and go over to
Rediscovering you podcast, Iwill link all of her information
in my bio so you can go aheadand follow her there as well, as
(01:03):
I will link all of herinformation in my bio so you can
go ahead and follow her thereas well, as I will post a reel
where you can click on the linkfor the full episode.
So again, thank you forlistening to Infinite Love with
Kate.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Today I am thrilled to introduce the amazing Kate
Gutierrez.
She's a woman whose story is atestament to resilience, healing
and self-love.
Born with Crouzon syndrome,kate has endured countless
facial surgeries due to earlymedical mistakes, each time
relearning how to recognize andlove herself anew.
(01:36):
But Kate's journey doesn't juststop there.
As a passionate specialeducation teacher, she's on a
mission to empower others toembrace their differences and
step boldly into their own power.
With her own words, kate sharesWith a heart full of wonder and
a spirit of adventure.
I'm living life to the fullestand empowering others to do the
(01:58):
same.
My journey is one of healing,self-love and exploration, and
I'm just getting started.
I am Kate Gutierrez, standingbeautifully strong in my
differences.
Welcome to my baddie era.
Get ready to be inspired anduplifted as we dive into Kate's
incredible story oftransformation, empowerment and
(02:19):
embracing what makes us uniquelybeautiful.
Let's get started, kate.
I am so thrilled to have youhere on the show today.
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Thank you.
Thank you, I'm excited too.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
This is going to be fun, so I was hoping you
wouldn't mind starting withexplaining to the listeners what
is Crouzon syndrome and justkind of the early days of your
journey in this area.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Of course, curzon syndrome is just one mutated
gene which you know is just arare, rare genetic disorder,
more common now than it wasbefore.
But in 1980, it just wasn'ttalked about.
A lot of things were talkedabout.
They were just starting tounfold for acceptance of
(03:10):
differences.
You know, in the past peoplewould kind of shun people away
with their differences, and nowpeople were embracing
differences slowly.
However, in my situation I wastwo years old and, being born
with Cruzon's sensor.
My mom had to fight for someoneto diagnose me.
It was a motherly instinct thatshe believed something was
(03:31):
wrong.
She just didn't know what thatfeeling was.
But she went to doctor, todoctor, all throughout Chicago.
Everyone said I'm fine, I'mhealthy, I'm happy, and she just
had this feeling somethingwasn't right.
She did her own research, shespent hours in the library and
finally a doctor two years laterdiagnosed me with Gruson
syndrome.
(03:52):
Now, had nobody paid attention,there could have been, you know,
more damage to the situation,because what it means is the
bones in my face fuse together,which doesn't allow room for
growth and obviously, being onlytwo, you have plenty of years
to grow, and so the impact ofthat would have meant that my
brain would have had no room togrow, causing severe brain
(04:16):
damage, blindness, deafness ordeath, unfortunately.
So she was just happy that therewas a diagnosis.
Now, what was to unfoldafterwards, no one could foresee
, unfortunately, and we wereintroduced to a doctor one of
three in the US that werestudying these breakdowns of
(04:39):
surgeries Laforte 1, 2, and 3,which is forehead, midface,
before one, two and three, whichis forehead, midface, lower jaw
and he wanted to perform thismiraculous surgery.
Let's do it all in one.
So years, practice and meetingsand appointments and pokes and
prods.
It was time for my surgery.
(05:00):
He pulled my entire faceforward, allowing this room, but
it was like a hockey mask youpull, you pull, you pull and it
was just too much.
My little body and my entireface came crashing back,
breaking every bone in my face,and he left me telling my
parents that everything wentsmoothly after 19 hours.
(05:22):
I had an angel that day, awoman who was able, who was
invited to sit in on the surgery.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
It's a rare.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Thing especially in the early 80s it's more of a
man's world of surgeons.
And she told my parents ask alot of questions and they did,
and you know, obviously my momfought to get me diagnosed, so
she was going to fight from hereon out to make sure what
happened, what went wrong.
And sure enough, I had MRSA andbacteria growing in my face,
(05:56):
eating away all the tiny littlefragments of my bones that were
left, and I was put in a sedatedcoma and left to die.
Had she not known this, I couldhave died, but because of this
woman.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Wow, wow, what an incredible story.
And it's just also soheartbreaking that not only did
your mom have to fight to find adiagnosis, knowing in her gut
that something wasn't right,that something was amiss, and
then finally to have somebodygive a diagnosis, and then
(06:33):
having this, what was hoped tobe a miraculous surgery, and to
have it go so horribly wrong andhave the, and on top of that,
the doctor told your family thatit went beautifully.
It just is insult upon injuryto the infinite degree.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
So you were.
What made it worse, though, iswhat the doctor told my mom
prior to the surgery was he wasgoing to fix God's mistakes.
What surgery was he was goingto fix god's mistakes?
What, yeah, so I think, alone,you know left this residual of
animosity and hate which, if youknew my parents are not,
(07:16):
they've never been built likethat.
They don't carry their lifewith those values and morals of
hatred.
So to have that and later onI'll talk about it is it it
embedded within them, thisanimosity that then later kind
of poured into my life in mychildhood, of hating a man I
(07:36):
didn't know, but blaming I hadsomeone to blame for what I was
going through internally,emotionally.
It's just like a domino effect,you know, and with conditioned
learning, it's unfortunate.
It's not a blame game, but itis unfortunate that we all go
through this in some way, shapeor form, from our childhood
(08:00):
whether it could be the perfectchildhood or the most traumatic.
It's literally just passed downby generations of what our
parents, our grandparents and soon have gone through, and we
just don't see it unless wedecide to heal it.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
You're right.
I'm sure that's why you're sopassionate about your healing
journey right now and puttingyour efforts and your focus into
healing, so okay.
So you were left to die in acoma and thank goodness you
didn't die.
You are here and talking withus today to share your story.
(08:36):
How does your journey continuefrom there?
Speaker 1 (08:40):
As a child, the memory I have living in and out
of a hospital, obviously becausenow, like I said, when he
closed me up he left all thatinfection to eat away.
So this new doctor that came in, my hero.
He didn't have much to workwith In 1982, the CAT scan just
(09:03):
came out to give everyone kindof an idea of the concept of
we're living in such an advancedtechnology world now where
these surgeries, they would usewhat they call a halo.
It's barbaric because it's thismetal equipment that is screwed
(09:23):
into your face for six to eightmonths and they turn the screws
like a quarter of an inch orcentimeters, I think it is, and
that slowly pulls the bonesfurther.
But it's beneficial, it'shelpful and the results are
absolutely beautiful.
I unrecognizable.
I've seen some of these kidsthat have gone through it with
cruise zones.
You wouldn't even know they hadcruise zones.
(09:45):
It's just a whole differentworld.
I, you know, and I feel badbecause I know I talked with
some parents who reached outover the years because of my
platform and sharing theirstories and their fears as a
mother.
And there's a little boy.
He's eight and he just got thehalo taken off and back in
school and everyone's treatinghim like a celebrity, you know,
(10:09):
and I remember those moments ofjust wanting to feel like a kid,
right, and they're short-livedin what he had to go through.
But mine was different.
In that aspect though, becausenow they're working with very
little, it just it's kind oflike trial and error.
Every surgery was like a trialand error.
Let's try this and hope thatthis happens.
(10:32):
Let's try this.
But I was building this facadein my head of, okay, this
surgery is going to fixeverything.
It wasn't so much I needed theoutside fix, because it wasn't
aligning with what I was feelingon the inside and that I was
avoiding that fix.
That's what needed therapy.
That was what needed the loveand attention, and I could only
(10:58):
rest the concept of our outerlylooking in the mirror and then
having to redefine that love andunderstanding of myself every
time.
A surgery changed me.
It could have been a slight ofsurgery, but it changed
everything for me, because whenwe look in the mirror it's so
distorted, right based upon ourfeelings.
It's not so much about whatwe're seeing is our feelings a
(11:21):
hundred hundred percent, yes,and you know.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
And also, I would imagine, just to elaborate on
what you were saying about notreally doing the inside work and
focusing on the outside, Iimagine that's because what all
the adults around you weretalking about was like how do we
change this, fix this, healthis?
And it's all about theappearance.
And so, as a kid, and you'relearning your identity, you're
learning your identity, you'relearning your self-worth, you're
(11:48):
, you know, creating your, your,your own personal identity.
It's hard in a situation likeyours, I would wonder to, to
separate the physical from theemotional.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Yeah, it's, you know, and my parents were pretty
pretty on top of it, in thesense of in the beginning, when
there was, when I was too youngto have much of a say, it was
more of the doctors and themgoing back and forth when I was
about eight or nine.
And slowly puberty is hitting,you know, and that's when the
real emotions feel out ofalignment, because before it's
(12:24):
almost like a fantasy world,like a kid's play.
You're just living life andyou're enjoying it.
So when I was able to go backto school, I was loving life.
I didn't realize I wasdifferent looking until every
once in a while I would hear acomment or see someone staring
or pointing.
That was when things would kindof pause me.
But I was surrounded by a reallybeautiful community which my
(12:47):
mom started, my mom and I,because they got so involved
with my siblings and everyone intheir parish that it helps, you
know, because then everybodyknows okay, this is Kate, she
has this disability, this is herstory.
And then she went to my gradeschool and went to my classes to
(13:07):
introduce me, to talk about itwith the class, talk about the
differences, and then she gotinvolved, my Girl Scout leader,
you know my basketball coach.
So I never had limits, whichwas nice.
My mom never allowed me to justsay I can't, no, you can,
you're not going to be fragile,I'm not going to treat you, I'm
(13:27):
not going to put you in a bubble, but she was silently
protective.
So there were times where Inoticed that someone would say
something.
She would either react, whichmade me feel uncomfortable, or
she would ignore, which my brainwas trying to process that with
emotions, without knowing howto communicate that.
I didn't know what I reallywanted.
(13:49):
I didn't really like whenpeople reacted my age.
But as I got older and thathappened less, it was like I
wanted it or I needed it.
So it was.
It was so weird living in thisduality of like yes and no, or
like angel devil, like I justdidn't.
(14:10):
I couldn't quite find my footingin life as I got progressively
older, when I startedunderstanding and processing I
don't like what I'm feeling onthe inside, but I ignored that.
It was so much easier to ignorethat because anytime I did
express it, I don't think I wasexpressing it right or I knew
(14:31):
how it was all emotion, it wasall screaming, it was all crying
.
So what do you get out of that.
Even when I went to therapyback then, therapists were just
like, okay, let's pull out aboard game.
I don't want to.
No, you know.
And that made me mad and Idon't.
And I guess growing up I neverliked that feeling of anger and
(14:51):
I shoved that feeling way down.
It was.
It was kind of seen as likeit's not OK to feel angry, it's
not okay to be angry, and Ireally allowed myself to believe
that.
But in reality.
It's like you're allowed to beangry.
It's how you express your anger.
Yes, and I shamed myself like I.
(15:14):
I shamed myself on any feeling,because all I ever heard was
you're're so strong, you're this, you're this.
So I built myself to be thatperson.
I could never keep up to thatlevel internally and no one ever
knew that.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Wow.
And when people are saying,okay, you're so strong, you're
so strong, you're so strong,what was your internal dialogue
to that, or your emotionalresponse to hearing that over
and over?
Speaker 1 (15:44):
In the beginning it was I'm weak, I'm weak.
And then, when it was gettingto the breaking point, it was
like I wish I wasn't here, Iwish I wasn't alive.
Like it got that dark for meBecause it was so hard to keep
up with some kind of facade, notknowing that the facade was me,
masking everything, puttingthese barriers and obstacles in
(16:09):
my way.
I was putting myself in thattiny little box.
I was the one not takingaccountability for my emotions
or anything.
It was me in part, not sayingit's all my fault, but it's
realizing that I'm the oneshutting down.
So how is anyone able to seeI'm the one not saying.
(16:30):
Stop saying I'm strong, I don'tfeel strong right now.
I may be strong, you're right,but I don't feel so strong and
what you're saying isn't helpingme.
It's hurting me, you know, andI never spoke up for myself, I
never.
I just kept up with that,keeping up with the Joneses.
I was keeping up with the.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Right, it's almost like you are more concerned
about not hurting the person'sfeelings for saying the wrong
thing, so you just swallowed it.
Not hurting the person'sfeelings for saying the wrong
thing.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
So you just swallowed it and that was like my little.
My big heart in the little bodywas always afraid to hurt
others because I never wantedpeople to feel.
What I felt so bizarre now,looking back at it is it's just
like wow, you know, like I lovethat you have a big heart for
your little self.
You know, talking to my innerchild, but it was like it was
(17:21):
okay.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I didn't speak up.
It was okay to feel thosethings, it was okay for you to
be mad at that doctor, right,you didn't hold on to that anger
, for the right reasons, youknow.
And then I realized is whatthat man did was his own ego,
was his own battle.
I can't imagine someone whobelieves, like in thinking that
(17:43):
they're God.
That's a narcissism you can'tfight.
You know you live with your owndemons.
That's your journey.
I can't sit here and hold on toyour journey.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
You know and I forgave I forgave myself.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
I didn't have to forgive him.
I forgave myself for holding onfor so long.
That's my darkness.
So let me utilize my darknessand turn it into my light, like
the only person stopping me isme.
Now I have no one else to blamebut myself If I'm going to
continue saying what was me thisis.
You know, utilize your storywhat hurts, share it what didn't
(18:21):
work.
Share it now, change it.
You know, it's like we're allhuman.
We all have a story.
Just because mine's differentthan yours doesn't negate the
fact that mine wasn't abeautiful, hard story to go
through.
Share it, you know.
And I always place myself onthis little shelf thinking, oh,
but they had it worse.
I was also raised that way.
(18:42):
It was like, remember, thegrass isn't always greener.
Just because you're goingthrough this doesn't mean
someone and unfortunately thatwas like that conditioned
learning where it's like I don'tneed that pep talk.
I need to accept that this ismy story.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yes, to validate that you have your own story and
that it is a powerful one, andit is a story that is worth
sharing and worth talking aboutand worth learning from.
I'm wondering if there was aturning point in your
development or a certain agewhere you started to step into
(19:20):
recognizing that you have astory, honoring your own
emotional journey and using yourvoice.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
There were a couple of moments, so in high school,
when it got to like my darkestera, a very popular girl, but I
felt very alone.
Everyone was dating, everyonewas, you know, seeing that, I
went to all girls Catholicschool, you know, and I had a
lot of great friends, but I wasalso the class clown, you know.
(19:49):
And things started unfoldingwhere it was like I got cut from
the basketball team and thatwas my only identity.
So I was utilizing these thingsas my identity, you know.
And basketball, since, and thatwas my only identity, so I was
utilizing these things as myidentity, you know.
And basketball, since fourthgrade was my identity.
It was my escapism.
I was not a court, I wasn't agirl at Cruzon syndrome.
I wasn't this story, I wasn'tthese emotions.
(20:11):
I was talented, I was yes, Iwas, you know, I was this girl,
I was a spitfire.
This is where all the parentstalked about me.
You, you know, like, oh my God,I remember you in basketball in
grade school.
I was that version.
But again, I was escaping.
I was aligning myself with awhole different identity, living
in this Pisces dream world ofeverything's perfect,
(20:34):
everything's beautiful.
I'm on cloud nine trying tomanifest that, but nothing, you
know, nothing aligned nothing,aligned with the emotions.
So the game's over, I go homeand I'm back to, and in high
school it got so bad that I wasat the breaking point.
I did want to, you know, end mylife and it was.
(20:56):
My grandmother got really sickand my grandmother, bless, bless
her soul, had 13 children, 13second from last.
So big Irish family, huge, lotsof cousins, and she was the
person that brought us alltogether, made us homemade
ornaments, not little notes inthere.
She was coming to, you know,the end of her life.
(21:19):
And so my mom, everyone tookturns helping out and I got to
do her grocery shopping and Iwould come over and help clean.
So my grandma and I had, likethis bond, this beautiful bond,
and I don't know what it was,but I I was messing up a lot,
you know, and she would talk me,talk me through it all, and she
would talk me, talk me throughit all, and she had passed away
(21:39):
and I thought this is it.
Like I can't, like I've lost alot of people up to that point,
but this was the one moment Icouldn't lose and something
changed.
So like, something within mewas like, do better.
You need to do better and don'tdon't stop here.
So that was like my one turningpoint is like I started
investing into, like Eucharisticministry and playing other
(22:02):
sports and volunteering more.
So then my mom became a youthminister, so we would do all
these service trips around theUS of natural disasters and help
rebuild, take down.
So it was nice to be able togive away that time, like pause
our lives to do something forothers.
But again I kind of noticedthat I was escaping, in part as
(22:24):
I got older, because my lifepauses.
But that means I'm alsofighting the pain.
Right, it's still not helping.
I'm putting a band-aid over abullet, you know.
Yeah, so I'm starting torealize and take accountability
slowly, like I can't do thisanymore.
I have to be selfish.
This is that I don't align tothis.
(22:44):
And now I'm I don't want to putput that out there like I'm.
I'm this person doing all thisgood deeds, but really I'm not.
Like I'm struggling, right, socan I do this and still struggle
?
So then I, at 30, I paused thatand was like all right, now I'm
going to take adventures, I'mgoing to answers outside the
world.
And it was amazing because at30 it was like my life
(23:07):
transcended in a way of like Ilove my 30s, I love who I am,
I'm starting to love who I am,but now I'm starting to see who
I really am, literally peelingback the layers.
I'm like, oh my God, I'veignored the better part of me,
my life for 30 years, becausenow I learned that I'm gay and I
didn't know that about me.
I'm learning that I like this,but I don't like that.
(23:30):
I'm learning that I lovetraveling.
I'm learning that to attach anddependent on people, so I need
to see where that comes from andwhere does that stem from?
And then, by 40, because of thepandemic that was.
The ultimate change is I had mybest friend at the time just
talking and we were talking andtalking and we were peeling back
(23:52):
our own layers and we were like, well then, what better way to
do this than to do this now,because we have nowhere else to
go.
Right, yeah, where I sit, sitin the darkness all over again,
yep, at home and I sit, sit mymind, I sit, these dark thoughts
, or I do something about it,and then that was it.
The light went on.
I was like, no, so I quitdrinking, you know, and then I
(24:14):
recently just quit smoking and Iwas just like I'm pouring back
into me and I'm like, what do Ilove?
And I'm redefining myself,redefining my journey, and now
I'm actually listening to myselfand I'm pulling back that inner
child that I put.
I put her away for so long, I,you know, and I loved her and I
loved that play and I loveseeing life the way she saw it
(24:35):
magical, just loving, and it'snot a facade, like I do believe
that people, there is love ineveryone.
I know the world is chaotic,not ignoring that part, but it's
like I choose love and kindnessover fear, over all of this
chaos.
Like I, I rather see the goodand hope for that, then dwell on
(24:58):
the bad and then surround usBecause change is never going to
happen.
I can't change the world if Ican't change myself.
So it's within our own selves.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
That's right and the power I just have to repeat what
you said choosing love overfear or over negative emotions
and it can change your wholeoutlook on life, and I think
it's wonderful that at thisphase in your life, you are
redefining who yourself, gettingin touch with your identity,
(25:29):
your true desires, yourinterests, your passions, and
it's a beautiful, exciting thing, and I also love that you're
looking back and honoring littlegirl Kate and giving her some
love and bringing her into yourpresent life as well and
bringing the joy and the magicand the excitement that she
(25:49):
carried and into your day-to-dayliving too.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
Yeah, my family calls me Katie bug.
It's like like even on carsthey bring it back out like
katie bug.
I love it because I'm notembarrassed by it, like it's
just, it's welcome her, you know, like yeah, she can come back
in and and I'm sorry that I everleft her in the first place,
you know, and it's like I feelI'm not perfect, you know, and I
(26:15):
always make sure I say thatit's like I'm not looking for
perfection, I'm not looking toI'm striving for.
It's like I'm not looking forperfection, I'm not looking to,
I'm striving for my highest self, but I'm never striving for
perfection.
Because that's what took medown that dark path, was
thinking I needed to find thatperfect image outwardly, you
know, and it's like I can't.
If I can't match what's goingon inside, then of course I'm
(26:38):
going to be looking at a verydistorted mirror all my life.
And now that I actually look atthe mirror, it's like in my
mind, my visualization is I'vetaken off every cloth, off of
every mirror and I'm able toembrace who I see it.
It took a while, you know.
It took a while, especiallywith affirmations like I am
beautiful, I am strong, I ampositive, I am hardworking.
(27:01):
You know, instead of using thewords of affirmations that
always went towards others, I amgiving.
I didn't notice that, like whenpeople say describe, use three
words, describe yourself.
I always reverted back to threewords that described what I did
for others.
What you do for others, and Igot called on it by a friend and
they were like do you realizethat I'm like, oh, triggered,
(27:25):
you know.
But you need that.
It's not that we want to betriggered, but if you're not
triggered you'll never knowwhere the wound is.
I'll ask for a pause.
If someone triggers me, I'llask hey, I got to step away.
I'm triggered, I don't deny it,you know.
And what people do after that?
(27:45):
So if I say I'm triggered andsomeone you know pokes more fun
at me, bye, I don't need my lifeanymore, because if I have to
stand alone, I have to standalone.
But it doesn't mean you can'tcome back in my life.
It just means that your journeyhasn't even begun for you,
because you're not willing torecognize and see what you're
doing, what your projections aredoing are really yours.
(28:09):
Begin with, you know it's likeme, I'm, I almost feel like now
I've become a mirror for othersand that's a triggering and it's
.
It's a weird feeling.
It's comfy and I'm willing tosit there, but it is uncomfy,
because moments when I wasuncomfortable I would run.
I, you know it was like uh-uh,I don't like that.
(28:29):
But now now it's like okay, sitwith it, let yourself be
uncomfortable If they'retriggered.
You know it's not yours, it'snot.
You can be sensitive and don'tever deny it, you know and don't
remove that sensitivity, eventhough people always poke at you
for being so sensitive.
But I have a sensitive soulLike I'll embrace that At least.
(28:52):
I have feelings, you knowthey're mine and I won't ever
change that for anybody.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
I won't apologize for who I am on your own self, not
(29:15):
focus on your own emotionalstate or recognize where it's at
, and be concerned about theexperiences of others more so
than yours.
And now, where you are in yourjourney, I just see you in a
place of just being sounapologetically in your story,
in your power, energetically inyour story, in your power
(29:35):
speaking your truth for reallythe world to hear, if the world
wants to listen.
And what a difference and what amassive expansion that you've
experienced throughout your lifeto be at the point that you're
at right now.
And I have such awe and respectfor you sharing your shadow
side and your struggles and yougetting to where you are right
now.
And I think that the topic oftalking about physical
(29:58):
differences is a trick you wantto talk about, because if you
are somebody that has some kindof a visible disability or a
visible facial difference,there's a lot of feelings about
that and people areuncomfortable talking about it
at times and so they just don't,and that leaves the people that
(30:19):
are in the population of havingdifferences feeling very
isolated, feeling very alone,feeling very unseen, and I think
it's incredible that you areusing your story to empower and
uplift and show that differencesI don't even like to use the
(30:40):
word disability, they're justdifferences.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Well, I never loved that word.
I never loved that word thatdefined me and it was like hey,
but you are different, but itwas a word that just came with
such baggage, yeah, uh-huh.
So like I said in the beginningis, people with differences
were shunned away, they were putin a mental home, you know, and
it's just like you know.
(31:05):
And obviously, being a specialed teacher, it's like we're,
we're all different.
I think we probably all have alabel of some kind, you know
it's like my sister says I thinkwe're all different.
I think we probably all have alabel of some kind.
Like my sister says, I thinkwe're all a little neuro-spicy,
I'm like we are.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
That is amazing, so spicy.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
I want to keep that.
The way we my sister and Ibanter, it's funny because we'll
just bust out in songs.
She's like do you think we'reboth ADHD?
I'm like for sure.
Talking, having that you know,deep conversation, is like we
bust out in tune because there'sa perfect song in my head that
fits that lyric, you know, andI'm like, and then she'll say it
back to me and then we'll justbe cracking up for 45 minutes
(31:49):
not realizing what, just like.
So, neuro-spicy, you're beingneuro-spicy.
We're all just living in aworld where we're all trying to
figure out who we are.
You know, in one big fishbowl,whether we're looking in or
we're looking out, likeeverything's, everyone's
perspective has shifted.
Just about embracing that.
And, like you said, whatdifference is?
(32:13):
I would have loved people tocome up to me and ask me.
But there's, the conversationis is there a right?
Speaker 2 (32:18):
way.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
And there's a wrong way?
Obviously there is, but I don't.
I don't sit here and I don'tjudge people, like if they come
up and do it wrong it mostpeople don't?
They just stare, and Iunderstand human.
I've seen people withdifferences and you find
yourself staring because youwant to know more.
You know, that's the brainwanting to understand a process
and put that all together, andthen, unfortunately, though, you
(32:40):
don't realize how long you'vebeen doing it, how long you've
been staring.
So, that becomes the impact ofoh my God, they're staring at me
.
Oh my God, you know they'rejudging me.
You build that whole rapport inyour head, but in reality it's.
You know.
I had to look at myself and I'mlike well, I've seen.
You know, I've had somebodycome by who had half of their
face burnt off, and I caughtmyself staring.
(33:01):
But then I had to think aboutit.
It's like, but your brain'strying to process, You're trying
to wonder what that story was.
You're not doing it out of illintention, and most people
aren't.
It's just that we forget thatthere's a lot of factors in play
.
You know it's.
Is it okay?
No, but am I going to shamethem for doing it?
No, it's what happensafterwards.
Are you making fun of me?
(33:22):
Are you doing jabs?
You know, then it becomesdisrespectful.
Are you just coming up to saywhat's your story?
Most likely, I'm going expectyou.
You know, like there's, but Idon't think everyone understands
(33:42):
how they're projecting it.
You know and now I'm trying topick up on their storyline are
projecting versus justresponding and asking with
empathy?
I understand, okay, there'spart of their journey that they
lack, and I'm like, oh God, whatkind of world is that, though,
where you lack love, wherepeople lacked showing you love,
that you don't know how toproject that kindness back out.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
So there you are again, just having such
compassion for other people.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
It works for me in the sense of what I used to be,
where it was silent anger I had.
I'm thinking well f you, youdon't know my story, you don't
know anything you know like andI'm judging and I'm angry and
I'm holding it in me.
It took a while to figure thatout, though, because I didn't
know I was doing it.
When I was doing it it wasalmost like a denial, and now
(34:32):
it's like oh, but you were.
But again your reactions areokay, it's coming from a wounded
place.
Let's figure out where thatwound comes from.
You know, and it's constantly,when I was doing the healing,
like a lot of shadow work.
It was like I dove deep and Iwas like all right time out.
But your life does not have tobe a constant shadow work,
(34:55):
healing moment go live, gobreathe, go sit, go hug a tree.
No, and that's when I startedputting the play into the
scenario, so I would do thenature hikes.
Yeah, I started traveling solofor the first time ever.
It it was like I'm ready, I'mgoing to go jump in a shark cage
, I'm going to go do this show,I found the things that excited
(35:17):
me, that literally allow me toput that energy back out into
the world, because that's whatthe world needs to feel More of
that, that's true.
And all this internalized angerand BS and garbage.
So I sit and I listen, I maynot like what people say and I
walk away, trust me, likethere's times where I just have
to because it's.
Do I have a conversation, evenif I know you and I love you?
(35:40):
Do I owe you a conversation Ifyou can't even respect me or
give me time or validate or seeme?
I don't need you to see mebecause I see myself, finally,
but you do this, this and thisfor yourself at least.
If you can't do it for me, fine, but are you doing it for
yourself?
And then I'll kind of evaluatethat I'm like no, okay, then our
(36:01):
journey has to stop right hereyeah, and you just separate ways
yeah and it's not that I'm likeI'm judging you.
That's just your journey.
That's where you have to go andlearn and do the things that
you desire and hold on to thatyou're attached to.
I'm over here doing mine.
I don't think we need to justhold each other, because we need
(36:23):
each other in our lives.
I've detached from that idea,thought of I need you.
The only person I need rightnow is me, and if I can't find
me, then I'm just sinking.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
That's such powerful wisdom right there, and that's
true for everybody.
It's truly the number oneperson that we need.
The only person that we evertruly need is ourselves, and
once we realize that, that'swhen the magic really starts to
happen in life.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
It does, and I think I know that people fear the
isolation.
It's like, oh ah, I don't wantto be alone, like, but I need
people to make me.
I don't need people.
I'm afraid to be alone withmyself.
Why, right, exactly myself thatI'm afraid of.
Is that the thoughts?
Is it the lack of?
Is it my?
You know x, y and z inner childmissing in it, but you miss
(37:11):
that.
Like I'm a, I'm a hugger, andmy four coworkers, like I, go in
and they're different, they'reopposite of me but they're
learning Like I do.
I told my one coworker she doesthis thing where she'll just
poke me.
She's like she towers over me,she's like six foot and all of a
sudden I'll feel a little poke.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
And to me I'm like.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Oh, oh, I love poke.
You know, in my mind I'm likeit's like hug time, never mind.
She's like I'm sorry, I'm likedon't ever apologize.
I love when you do that likeI'm just letting you know that
does not bother me.
But thank you for a pal.
You know, I'm a lover, you know.
And then I'll come in like nowyou gotta hug me she's like oh,
but it's just.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
I'm that person.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
I've always been a snuggler, I've always been a
hugger.
You know, I'm just, I'm thatperson.
I've always been a snuggler,I've always been a hugger.
You know, I'm just very lovingand that's my love language and.
But it's funny because I pickup on that energy.
But there's also moments whereI'm like get away, Nobody touch
me.
I, you know like I, I need my,my space.
(38:06):
I mean honoring what you need?
Yeah, exactly, but I I used tonever verbalize that.
I didn't know what that was andI was like I'm not going to
shame myself, I'm a hugger, itis all the time on my watch.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
So one of the final questions I wanted to ask you,
just because I see such immenseprogress that you've shared
already with us on your journey,from where you started, your
struggles, your shadows, whereyou are, your current point.
What is next for Kate in yourhealing journey?
What is your vision?
What's coming next?
Speaker 1 (38:43):
So what is next for me?
Guess you're going to have tofind out.
Head on over to Apple Podcasts,rediscovering you by Laura
Flowers.
Go to episode 15 in there.
In the end, if you listen,you'll find out what are my next
steps, what's next in myjourney.
Stay tuned.
Thank you for joining me onanother amazing episode of
(39:03):
Infinite Love with Kate.
And again thank you to LauraPowers.
All her information will be inmy bio and my transcripts, so
please go look her up.
She is on Apple PodcastsRediscovering you.
Laura Flowers, I'm humbled andhonored and blessed to have been
a part of your podcast.
I had an amazing time openingup, sharing, laughing with you
(39:25):
and also growing with you.
So again, thank you, thank you,thank you and thank you to all
of you out there who listen.
Much love and light Peace.
Welcome back to episode 80 of Infinite Love with
Kate.
So on today's special, specialepisode, I will be airing my
guest spot on an amazing,amazing podcast called
Rediscovering you with LauraFlowers.
So I had the honor and privilegeof guest speaking or being a
guest on her podcast a coupleweeks ago and, amazingly, she
(00:23):
was able to then transfer overthe files and I get to share it
with you.
But there's one catch I'm notgoing to air the whole thing
because I would truly love foryou to hear or listen to the
entire podcast episode on herpage.
To you know, give her thesupport as well.
But there's a special surpriseat the end of this episode,
(00:43):
which she had asked me aquestion and I shared something
very, very personal, I would say, something I haven't shared
with anyone, but Universe pulledit right out of me, she pulled
it right out of me and I washappy to share it with her.
So if that doesn't entice youto go ahead and go over to
Rediscovering you podcast, Iwill link all of her information
in my bio so you can go aheadand follow her there as well, as
(01:03):
I will link all of herinformation in my bio so you can
go ahead and follow her thereas well, as I will post a reel
where you can click on the linkfor the full episode.
So again, thank you forlistening to Infinite Love with
Kate.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Today I am thrilled to introduce the amazing Kate
Gutierrez.
She's a woman whose story is atestament to resilience, healing
and self-love.
Born with Crouzon syndrome,kate has endured countless
facial surgeries due to earlymedical mistakes, each time
relearning how to recognize andlove herself anew.
(01:36):
But Kate's journey doesn't juststop there.
As a passionate specialeducation teacher, she's on a
mission to empower others toembrace their differences and
step boldly into their own power.
With her own words, kate sharesWith a heart full of wonder and
a spirit of adventure.
I'm living life to the fullestand empowering others to do the
(01:58):
same.
My journey is one of healing,self-love and exploration, and
I'm just getting started.
I am Kate Gutierrez, standingbeautifully strong in my
differences.
Welcome to my baddie era.
Get ready to be inspired anduplifted as we dive into Kate's
incredible story oftransformation, empowerment and
(02:19):
embracing what makes us uniquelybeautiful.
Let's get started, kate.
I am so thrilled to have youhere on the show today.
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Thank you.
Thank you, I'm excited too.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
This is going to be fun, so I was hoping you
wouldn't mind starting withexplaining to the listeners what
is Crouzon syndrome and justkind of the early days of your
journey in this area.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Of course, curzon syndrome is just one mutated
gene which you know is just arare, rare genetic disorder,
more common now than it wasbefore.
But in 1980, it just wasn'ttalked about.
A lot of things were talkedabout.
They were just starting tounfold for acceptance of
(03:10):
differences.
You know, in the past peoplewould kind of shun people away
with their differences, and nowpeople were embracing
differences slowly.
However, in my situation I wastwo years old and, being born
with Cruzon's sensor.
My mom had to fight for someoneto diagnose me.
It was a motherly instinct thatshe believed something was
(03:31):
wrong.
She just didn't know what thatfeeling was.
But she went to doctor, todoctor, all throughout Chicago.
Everyone said I'm fine, I'mhealthy, I'm happy, and she just
had this feeling somethingwasn't right.
She did her own research, shespent hours in the library and
finally a doctor two years laterdiagnosed me with Gruson
syndrome.
(03:52):
Now, had nobody paid attention,there could have been, you know,
more damage to the situation,because what it means is the
bones in my face fuse together,which doesn't allow room for
growth and obviously, being onlytwo, you have plenty of years
to grow, and so the impact ofthat would have meant that my
brain would have had no room togrow, causing severe brain
(04:16):
damage, blindness, deafness ordeath, unfortunately.
So she was just happy that therewas a diagnosis.
Now, what was to unfoldafterwards, no one could foresee
, unfortunately, and we wereintroduced to a doctor one of
three in the US that werestudying these breakdowns of
(04:39):
surgeries Laforte 1, 2, and 3,which is forehead, midface,
before one, two and three, whichis forehead, midface, lower jaw
and he wanted to perform thismiraculous surgery.
Let's do it all in one.
So years, practice and meetingsand appointments and pokes and
prods.
It was time for my surgery.
(05:00):
He pulled my entire faceforward, allowing this room, but
it was like a hockey mask youpull, you pull, you pull and it
was just too much.
My little body and my entireface came crashing back,
breaking every bone in my face,and he left me telling my
parents that everything wentsmoothly after 19 hours.
(05:22):
I had an angel that day, awoman who was able, who was
invited to sit in on the surgery.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
It's a rare.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Thing especially in the early 80s it's more of a
man's world of surgeons.
And she told my parents ask alot of questions and they did,
and you know, obviously my momfought to get me diagnosed, so
she was going to fight from hereon out to make sure what
happened, what went wrong.
And sure enough, I had MRSA andbacteria growing in my face,
(05:56):
eating away all the tiny littlefragments of my bones that were
left, and I was put in a sedatedcoma and left to die.
Had she not known this, I couldhave died, but because of this
woman.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Wow, wow, what an incredible story.
And it's just also soheartbreaking that not only did
your mom have to fight to find adiagnosis, knowing in her gut
that something wasn't right,that something was amiss, and
then finally to have somebodygive a diagnosis, and then
(06:33):
having this, what was hoped tobe a miraculous surgery, and to
have it go so horribly wrong andhave the, and on top of that,
the doctor told your family thatit went beautifully.
It just is insult upon injuryto the infinite degree.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
So you were.
What made it worse, though, iswhat the doctor told my mom
prior to the surgery was he wasgoing to fix God's mistakes.
What surgery was he was goingto fix god's mistakes?
What, yeah, so I think, alone,you know left this residual of
animosity and hate which, if youknew my parents are not,
(07:16):
they've never been built likethat.
They don't carry their lifewith those values and morals of
hatred.
So to have that and later onI'll talk about it is it it
embedded within them, thisanimosity that then later kind
of poured into my life in mychildhood, of hating a man I
(07:36):
didn't know, but blaming I hadsomeone to blame for what I was
going through internally,emotionally.
It's just like a domino effect,you know, and with conditioned
learning, it's unfortunate.
It's not a blame game, but itis unfortunate that we all go
through this in some way, shapeor form, from our childhood
(08:00):
whether it could be the perfectchildhood or the most traumatic.
It's literally just passed downby generations of what our
parents, our grandparents and soon have gone through, and we
just don't see it unless wedecide to heal it.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
You're right.
I'm sure that's why you're sopassionate about your healing
journey right now and puttingyour efforts and your focus into
healing, so okay.
So you were left to die in acoma and thank goodness you
didn't die.
You are here and talking withus today to share your story.
(08:36):
How does your journey continuefrom there?
Speaker 1 (08:40):
As a child, the memory I have living in and out
of a hospital, obviously becausenow, like I said, when he
closed me up he left all thatinfection to eat away.
So this new doctor that came in, my hero.
He didn't have much to workwith In 1982, the CAT scan just
(09:03):
came out to give everyone kindof an idea of the concept of
we're living in such an advancedtechnology world now where
these surgeries, they would usewhat they call a halo.
It's barbaric because it's thismetal equipment that is screwed
(09:23):
into your face for six to eightmonths and they turn the screws
like a quarter of an inch orcentimeters, I think it is, and
that slowly pulls the bonesfurther.
But it's beneficial, it'shelpful and the results are
absolutely beautiful.
I unrecognizable.
I've seen some of these kidsthat have gone through it with
cruise zones.
You wouldn't even know they hadcruise zones.
(09:45):
It's just a whole differentworld.
I, you know, and I feel badbecause I know I talked with
some parents who reached outover the years because of my
platform and sharing theirstories and their fears as a
mother.
And there's a little boy.
He's eight and he just got thehalo taken off and back in
school and everyone's treatinghim like a celebrity, you know,
(10:09):
and I remember those moments ofjust wanting to feel like a kid,
right, and they're short-livedin what he had to go through.
But mine was different.
In that aspect though, becausenow they're working with very
little, it just it's kind oflike trial and error.
Every surgery was like a trialand error.
Let's try this and hope thatthis happens.
(10:32):
Let's try this.
But I was building this facadein my head of, okay, this
surgery is going to fixeverything.
It wasn't so much I needed theoutside fix, because it wasn't
aligning with what I was feelingon the inside and that I was
avoiding that fix.
That's what needed therapy.
That was what needed the loveand attention, and I could only
(10:58):
rest the concept of our outerlylooking in the mirror and then
having to redefine that love andunderstanding of myself every
time.
A surgery changed me.
It could have been a slight ofsurgery, but it changed
everything for me, because whenwe look in the mirror it's so
distorted, right based upon ourfeelings.
It's not so much about whatwe're seeing is our feelings a
(11:21):
hundred hundred percent, yes,and you know.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
And also, I would imagine, just to elaborate on
what you were saying about notreally doing the inside work and
focusing on the outside, Iimagine that's because what all
the adults around you weretalking about was like how do we
change this, fix this, healthis?
And it's all about theappearance.
And so, as a kid, and you'relearning your identity, you're
learning your identity, you'relearning your self-worth, you're
(11:48):
, you know, creating your, your,your own personal identity.
It's hard in a situation likeyours, I would wonder to, to
separate the physical from theemotional.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Yeah, it's, you know, and my parents were pretty
pretty on top of it, in thesense of in the beginning, when
there was, when I was too youngto have much of a say, it was
more of the doctors and themgoing back and forth when I was
about eight or nine.
And slowly puberty is hitting,you know, and that's when the
real emotions feel out ofalignment, because before it's
(12:24):
almost like a fantasy world,like a kid's play.
You're just living life andyou're enjoying it.
So when I was able to go backto school, I was loving life.
I didn't realize I wasdifferent looking until every
once in a while I would hear acomment or see someone staring
or pointing.
That was when things would kindof pause me.
But I was surrounded by a reallybeautiful community which my
(12:47):
mom started, my mom and I,because they got so involved
with my siblings and everyone intheir parish that it helps, you
know, because then everybodyknows okay, this is Kate, she
has this disability, this is herstory.
And then she went to my gradeschool and went to my classes to
(13:07):
introduce me, to talk about itwith the class, talk about the
differences, and then she gotinvolved, my Girl Scout leader,
you know my basketball coach.
So I never had limits, whichwas nice.
My mom never allowed me to justsay I can't, no, you can,
you're not going to be fragile,I'm not going to treat you, I'm
(13:27):
not going to put you in a bubble, but she was silently
protective.
So there were times where Inoticed that someone would say
something.
She would either react, whichmade me feel uncomfortable, or
she would ignore, which my brainwas trying to process that with
emotions, without knowing howto communicate that.
I didn't know what I reallywanted.
(13:49):
I didn't really like whenpeople reacted my age.
But as I got older and thathappened less, it was like I
wanted it or I needed it.
So it was.
It was so weird living in thisduality of like yes and no, or
like angel devil, like I justdidn't.
(14:10):
I couldn't quite find my footingin life as I got progressively
older, when I startedunderstanding and processing I
don't like what I'm feeling onthe inside, but I ignored that.
It was so much easier to ignorethat because anytime I did
express it, I don't think I wasexpressing it right or I knew
(14:31):
how it was all emotion, it wasall screaming, it was all crying
.
So what do you get out of that.
Even when I went to therapyback then, therapists were just
like, okay, let's pull out aboard game.
I don't want to.
No, you know.
And that made me mad and Idon't.
And I guess growing up I neverliked that feeling of anger and
(14:51):
I shoved that feeling way down.
It was.
It was kind of seen as likeit's not OK to feel angry, it's
not okay to be angry, and Ireally allowed myself to believe
that.
But in reality.
It's like you're allowed to beangry.
It's how you express your anger.
Yes, and I shamed myself like I.
(15:14):
I shamed myself on any feeling,because all I ever heard was
you're're so strong, you're this, you're this.
So I built myself to be thatperson.
I could never keep up to thatlevel internally and no one ever
knew that.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Wow.
And when people are saying,okay, you're so strong, you're
so strong, you're so strong,what was your internal dialogue
to that, or your emotionalresponse to hearing that over
and over?
Speaker 1 (15:44):
In the beginning it was I'm weak, I'm weak.
And then, when it was gettingto the breaking point, it was
like I wish I wasn't here, Iwish I wasn't alive.
Like it got that dark for meBecause it was so hard to keep
up with some kind of facade, notknowing that the facade was me,
masking everything, puttingthese barriers and obstacles in
(16:09):
my way.
I was putting myself in thattiny little box.
I was the one not takingaccountability for my emotions
or anything.
It was me in part, not sayingit's all my fault, but it's
realizing that I'm the oneshutting down.
So how is anyone able to seeI'm the one not saying.
(16:30):
Stop saying I'm strong, I don'tfeel strong right now.
I may be strong, you're right,but I don't feel so strong and
what you're saying isn't helpingme.
It's hurting me, you know, andI never spoke up for myself, I
never.
I just kept up with that,keeping up with the Joneses.
I was keeping up with the.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Right, it's almost like you are more concerned
about not hurting the person'sfeelings for saying the wrong
thing, so you just swallowed it.
Not hurting the person'sfeelings for saying the wrong
thing.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
So you just swallowed it and that was like my little.
My big heart in the little bodywas always afraid to hurt
others because I never wantedpeople to feel.
What I felt so bizarre now,looking back at it is it's just
like wow, you know, like I lovethat you have a big heart for
your little self.
You know, talking to my innerchild, but it was like it was
(17:21):
okay.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I didn't speak up.
It was okay to feel thosethings, it was okay for you to
be mad at that doctor, right,you didn't hold on to that anger
, for the right reasons, youknow.
And then I realized is whatthat man did was his own ego,
was his own battle.
I can't imagine someone whobelieves, like in thinking that
(17:43):
they're God.
That's a narcissism you can'tfight.
You know you live with your owndemons.
That's your journey.
I can't sit here and hold on toyour journey.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
You know and I forgave I forgave myself.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
I didn't have to forgive him.
I forgave myself for holding onfor so long.
That's my darkness.
So let me utilize my darknessand turn it into my light, like
the only person stopping me isme.
Now I have no one else to blamebut myself If I'm going to
continue saying what was me thisis.
You know, utilize your storywhat hurts, share it what didn't
(18:21):
work.
Share it now, change it.
You know, it's like we're allhuman.
We all have a story.
Just because mine's differentthan yours doesn't negate the
fact that mine wasn't abeautiful, hard story to go
through.
Share it, you know.
And I always place myself onthis little shelf thinking, oh,
but they had it worse.
I was also raised that way.
(18:42):
It was like, remember, thegrass isn't always greener.
Just because you're goingthrough this doesn't mean
someone and unfortunately thatwas like that conditioned
learning where it's like I don'tneed that pep talk.
I need to accept that this ismy story.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yes, to validate that you have your own story and
that it is a powerful one, andit is a story that is worth
sharing and worth talking aboutand worth learning from.
I'm wondering if there was aturning point in your
development or a certain agewhere you started to step into
(19:20):
recognizing that you have astory, honoring your own
emotional journey and using yourvoice.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
There were a couple of moments, so in high school,
when it got to like my darkestera, a very popular girl, but I
felt very alone.
Everyone was dating, everyonewas, you know, seeing that, I
went to all girls Catholicschool, you know, and I had a
lot of great friends, but I wasalso the class clown, you know.
(19:49):
And things started unfoldingwhere it was like I got cut from
the basketball team and thatwas my only identity.
So I was utilizing these thingsas my identity, you know.
And basketball, since, and thatwas my only identity, so I was
utilizing these things as myidentity, you know.
And basketball, since fourthgrade was my identity.
It was my escapism.
I was not a court, I wasn't agirl at Cruzon syndrome.
I wasn't this story, I wasn'tthese emotions.
(20:11):
I was talented, I was yes, Iwas, you know, I was this girl,
I was a spitfire.
This is where all the parentstalked about me.
You, you know, like, oh my God,I remember you in basketball in
grade school.
I was that version.
But again, I was escaping.
I was aligning myself with awhole different identity, living
in this Pisces dream world ofeverything's perfect,
(20:34):
everything's beautiful.
I'm on cloud nine trying tomanifest that, but nothing, you
know, nothing aligned nothing,aligned with the emotions.
So the game's over, I go homeand I'm back to, and in high
school it got so bad that I wasat the breaking point.
I did want to, you know, end mylife and it was.
(20:56):
My grandmother got really sickand my grandmother, bless, bless
her soul, had 13 children, 13second from last.
So big Irish family, huge, lotsof cousins, and she was the
person that brought us alltogether, made us homemade
ornaments, not little notes inthere.
She was coming to, you know,the end of her life.
(21:19):
And so my mom, everyone tookturns helping out and I got to
do her grocery shopping and Iwould come over and help clean.
So my grandma and I had, likethis bond, this beautiful bond,
and I don't know what it was,but I I was messing up a lot,
you know, and she would talk me,talk me through it all, and she
would talk me, talk me throughit all, and she had passed away
(21:39):
and I thought this is it.
Like I can't, like I've lost alot of people up to that point,
but this was the one moment Icouldn't lose and something
changed.
So like, something within mewas like, do better.
You need to do better and don'tdon't stop here.
So that was like my one turningpoint is like I started
investing into, like Eucharisticministry and playing other
(22:02):
sports and volunteering more.
So then my mom became a youthminister, so we would do all
these service trips around theUS of natural disasters and help
rebuild, take down.
So it was nice to be able togive away that time, like pause
our lives to do something forothers.
But again I kind of noticedthat I was escaping, in part as
(22:24):
I got older, because my lifepauses.
But that means I'm alsofighting the pain.
Right, it's still not helping.
I'm putting a band-aid over abullet, you know.
Yeah, so I'm starting torealize and take accountability
slowly, like I can't do thisanymore.
I have to be selfish.
This is that I don't align tothis.
(22:44):
And now I'm I don't want to putput that out there like I'm.
I'm this person doing all thisgood deeds, but really I'm not.
Like I'm struggling, right, socan I do this and still struggle
?
So then I, at 30, I paused thatand was like all right, now I'm
going to take adventures, I'mgoing to answers outside the
world.
And it was amazing because at30 it was like my life
(23:07):
transcended in a way of like Ilove my 30s, I love who I am,
I'm starting to love who I am,but now I'm starting to see who
I really am, literally peelingback the layers.
I'm like, oh my God, I'veignored the better part of me,
my life for 30 years, becausenow I learned that I'm gay and I
didn't know that about me.
I'm learning that I like this,but I don't like that.
(23:30):
I'm learning that I lovetraveling.
I'm learning that to attach anddependent on people, so I need
to see where that comes from andwhere does that stem from?
And then, by 40, because of thepandemic that was.
The ultimate change is I had mybest friend at the time just
talking and we were talking andtalking and we were peeling back
(23:52):
our own layers and we were like, well then, what better way to
do this than to do this now,because we have nowhere else to
go.
Right, yeah, where I sit, sitin the darkness all over again,
yep, at home and I sit, sit mymind, I sit, these dark thoughts
, or I do something about it,and then that was it.
The light went on.
I was like, no, so I quitdrinking, you know, and then I
(24:14):
recently just quit smoking and Iwas just like I'm pouring back
into me and I'm like, what do Ilove?
And I'm redefining myself,redefining my journey, and now
I'm actually listening to myselfand I'm pulling back that inner
child that I put.
I put her away for so long, I,you know, and I loved her and I
loved that play and I loveseeing life the way she saw it
(24:35):
magical, just loving, and it'snot a facade, like I do believe
that people, there is love ineveryone.
I know the world is chaotic,not ignoring that part, but it's
like I choose love and kindnessover fear, over all of this
chaos.
Like I, I rather see the goodand hope for that, then dwell on
(24:58):
the bad and then surround usBecause change is never going to
happen.
I can't change the world if Ican't change myself.
So it's within our own selves.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
That's right and the power I just have to repeat what
you said choosing love overfear or over negative emotions
and it can change your wholeoutlook on life, and I think
it's wonderful that at thisphase in your life, you are
redefining who yourself, gettingin touch with your identity,
(25:29):
your true desires, yourinterests, your passions, and
it's a beautiful, exciting thing, and I also love that you're
looking back and honoring littlegirl Kate and giving her some
love and bringing her into yourpresent life as well and
bringing the joy and the magicand the excitement that she
(25:49):
carried and into your day-to-dayliving too.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
Yeah, my family calls me Katie bug.
It's like like even on carsthey bring it back out like
katie bug.
I love it because I'm notembarrassed by it, like it's
just, it's welcome her, you know, like yeah, she can come back
in and and I'm sorry that I everleft her in the first place,
you know, and it's like I feelI'm not perfect, you know, and I
(26:15):
always make sure I say thatit's like I'm not looking for
perfection, I'm not looking toI'm striving for.
It's like I'm not looking forperfection, I'm not looking to,
I'm striving for my highest self, but I'm never striving for
perfection.
Because that's what took medown that dark path, was
thinking I needed to find thatperfect image outwardly, you
know, and it's like I can't.
If I can't match what's goingon inside, then of course I'm
(26:38):
going to be looking at a verydistorted mirror all my life.
And now that I actually look atthe mirror, it's like in my
mind, my visualization is I'vetaken off every cloth, off of
every mirror and I'm able toembrace who I see it.
It took a while, you know.
It took a while, especiallywith affirmations like I am
beautiful, I am strong, I ampositive, I am hardworking.
(27:01):
You know, instead of using thewords of affirmations that
always went towards others, I amgiving.
I didn't notice that, like whenpeople say describe, use three
words, describe yourself.
I always reverted back to threewords that described what I did
for others.
What you do for others, and Igot called on it by a friend and
they were like do you realizethat I'm like, oh, triggered,
(27:25):
you know.
But you need that.
It's not that we want to betriggered, but if you're not
triggered you'll never knowwhere the wound is.
I'll ask for a pause.
If someone triggers me, I'llask hey, I got to step away.
I'm triggered, I don't deny it,you know.
And what people do after that?
(27:45):
So if I say I'm triggered andsomeone you know pokes more fun
at me, bye, I don't need my lifeanymore, because if I have to
stand alone, I have to standalone.
But it doesn't mean you can'tcome back in my life.
It just means that your journeyhasn't even begun for you,
because you're not willing torecognize and see what you're
doing, what your projections aredoing are really yours.
(28:09):
Begin with, you know it's likeme, I'm, I almost feel like now
I've become a mirror for othersand that's a triggering and it's
.
It's a weird feeling.
It's comfy and I'm willing tosit there, but it is uncomfy,
because moments when I wasuncomfortable I would run.
I, you know it was like uh-uh,I don't like that.
(28:29):
But now now it's like okay, sitwith it, let yourself be
uncomfortable If they'retriggered.
You know it's not yours, it'snot.
You can be sensitive and don'tever deny it, you know and don't
remove that sensitivity, eventhough people always poke at you
for being so sensitive.
But I have a sensitive soulLike I'll embrace that At least.
(28:52):
I have feelings, you knowthey're mine and I won't ever
change that for anybody.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
I won't apologize for who I am on your own self, not
(29:15):
focus on your own emotionalstate or recognize where it's at
, and be concerned about theexperiences of others more so
than yours.
And now, where you are in yourjourney, I just see you in a
place of just being sounapologetically in your story,
in your power, energetically inyour story, in your power
(29:35):
speaking your truth for reallythe world to hear, if the world
wants to listen.
And what a difference and what amassive expansion that you've
experienced throughout your lifeto be at the point that you're
at right now.
And I have such awe and respectfor you sharing your shadow
side and your struggles and yougetting to where you are right
now.
And I think that the topic oftalking about physical
(29:58):
differences is a trick you wantto talk about, because if you
are somebody that has some kindof a visible disability or a
visible facial difference,there's a lot of feelings about
that and people areuncomfortable talking about it
at times and so they just don't,and that leaves the people that
(30:19):
are in the population of havingdifferences feeling very
isolated, feeling very alone,feeling very unseen, and I think
it's incredible that you areusing your story to empower and
uplift and show that differencesI don't even like to use the
(30:40):
word disability, they're justdifferences.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Well, I never loved that word.
I never loved that word thatdefined me and it was like hey,
but you are different, but itwas a word that just came with
such baggage, yeah, uh-huh.
So like I said in the beginningis, people with differences
were shunned away, they were putin a mental home, you know, and
it's just like you know.
(31:05):
And obviously, being a specialed teacher, it's like we're,
we're all different.
I think we probably all have alabel of some kind, you know
it's like my sister says I thinkwe're all different.
I think we probably all have alabel of some kind.
Like my sister says, I thinkwe're all a little neuro-spicy,
I'm like we are.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
That is amazing, so spicy.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
I want to keep that.
The way we my sister and Ibanter, it's funny because we'll
just bust out in songs.
She's like do you think we'reboth ADHD?
I'm like for sure.
Talking, having that you know,deep conversation, is like we
bust out in tune because there'sa perfect song in my head that
fits that lyric, you know, andI'm like, and then she'll say it
back to me and then we'll justbe cracking up for 45 minutes
(31:49):
not realizing what, just like.
So, neuro-spicy, you're beingneuro-spicy.
We're all just living in aworld where we're all trying to
figure out who we are.
You know, in one big fishbowl,whether we're looking in or
we're looking out, likeeverything's, everyone's
perspective has shifted.
Just about embracing that.
And, like you said, whatdifference is?
(32:13):
I would have loved people tocome up to me and ask me.
But there's, the conversationis is there a right?
Speaker 2 (32:18):
way.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
And there's a wrong way?
Obviously there is, but I don't.
I don't sit here and I don'tjudge people, like if they come
up and do it wrong it mostpeople don't?
They just stare, and Iunderstand human.
I've seen people withdifferences and you find
yourself staring because youwant to know more.
You know, that's the brainwanting to understand a process
and put that all together, andthen, unfortunately, though, you
(32:40):
don't realize how long you'vebeen doing it, how long you've
been staring.
So, that becomes the impact ofoh my God, they're staring at me
.
Oh my God, you know they'rejudging me.
You build that whole rapport inyour head, but in reality it's.
You know.
I had to look at myself and I'mlike well, I've seen.
You know, I've had somebodycome by who had half of their
face burnt off, and I caughtmyself staring.
(33:01):
But then I had to think aboutit.
It's like, but your brain'strying to process, You're trying
to wonder what that story was.
You're not doing it out of illintention, and most people
aren't.
It's just that we forget thatthere's a lot of factors in play
.
You know it's.
Is it okay?
No, but am I going to shamethem for doing it?
No, it's what happensafterwards.
Are you making fun of me?
(33:22):
Are you doing jabs?
You know, then it becomesdisrespectful.
Are you just coming up to saywhat's your story?
Most likely, I'm going expectyou.
You know, like there's, but Idon't think everyone understands
(33:42):
how they're projecting it.
You know and now I'm trying topick up on their storyline are
projecting versus justresponding and asking with
empathy?
I understand, okay, there'spart of their journey that they
lack, and I'm like, oh God, whatkind of world is that, though,
where you lack love, wherepeople lacked showing you love,
that you don't know how toproject that kindness back out.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
So there you are again, just having such
compassion for other people.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
It works for me in the sense of what I used to be,
where it was silent anger I had.
I'm thinking well f you, youdon't know my story, you don't
know anything you know like andI'm judging and I'm angry and
I'm holding it in me.
It took a while to figure thatout, though, because I didn't
know I was doing it.
When I was doing it it wasalmost like a denial, and now
(34:32):
it's like oh, but you were.
But again your reactions areokay, it's coming from a wounded
place.
Let's figure out where thatwound comes from.
You know, and it's constantly,when I was doing the healing,
like a lot of shadow work.
It was like I dove deep and Iwas like all right time out.
But your life does not have tobe a constant shadow work,
(34:55):
healing moment go live, gobreathe, go sit, go hug a tree.
No, and that's when I startedputting the play into the
scenario, so I would do thenature hikes.
Yeah, I started traveling solofor the first time ever.
It it was like I'm ready, I'mgoing to go jump in a shark cage
, I'm going to go do this show,I found the things that excited
(35:17):
me, that literally allow me toput that energy back out into
the world, because that's whatthe world needs to feel More of
that, that's true.
And all this internalized angerand BS and garbage.
So I sit and I listen, I maynot like what people say and I
walk away, trust me, likethere's times where I just have
to because it's.
Do I have a conversation, evenif I know you and I love you?
(35:40):
Do I owe you a conversation Ifyou can't even respect me or
give me time or validate or seeme?
I don't need you to see mebecause I see myself, finally,
but you do this, this and thisfor yourself at least.
If you can't do it for me, fine, but are you doing it for
yourself?
And then I'll kind of evaluatethat I'm like no, okay, then our
(36:01):
journey has to stop right hereyeah, and you just separate ways
yeah and it's not that I'm likeI'm judging you.
That's just your journey.
That's where you have to go andlearn and do the things that
you desire and hold on to thatyou're attached to.
I'm over here doing mine.
I don't think we need to justhold each other, because we need
(36:23):
each other in our lives.
I've detached from that idea,thought of I need you.
The only person I need rightnow is me, and if I can't find
me, then I'm just sinking.
Speaker 2 (36:34):
That's such powerful wisdom right there, and that's
true for everybody.
It's truly the number oneperson that we need.
The only person that we evertruly need is ourselves, and
once we realize that, that'swhen the magic really starts to
happen in life.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
It does, and I think I know that people fear the
isolation.
It's like, oh ah, I don't wantto be alone, like, but I need
people to make me.
I don't need people.
I'm afraid to be alone withmyself.
Why, right, exactly myself thatI'm afraid of.
Is that the thoughts?
Is it the lack of?
Is it my?
You know x, y and z inner childmissing in it, but you miss
(37:11):
that.
Like I'm a, I'm a hugger, andmy four coworkers, like I, go in
and they're different, they'reopposite of me but they're
learning Like I do.
I told my one coworker she doesthis thing where she'll just
poke me.
She's like she towers over me,she's like six foot and all of a
sudden I'll feel a little poke.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
And to me I'm like.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Oh, oh, I love poke.
You know, in my mind I'm likeit's like hug time, never mind.
She's like I'm sorry, I'm likedon't ever apologize.
I love when you do that likeI'm just letting you know that
does not bother me.
But thank you for a pal.
You know, I'm a lover, you know.
And then I'll come in like nowyou gotta hug me she's like oh,
but it's just.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
I'm that person.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
I've always been a snuggler, I've always been a
hugger.
You know, I'm just, I'm thatperson.
I've always been a snuggler,I've always been a hugger.
You know, I'm just very lovingand that's my love language and.
But it's funny because I pickup on that energy.
But there's also moments whereI'm like get away, Nobody touch
me.
I, you know like I, I need my,my space.
(38:06):
I mean honoring what you need?
Yeah, exactly, but I I used tonever verbalize that.
I didn't know what that was andI was like I'm not going to
shame myself, I'm a hugger, itis all the time on my watch.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
So one of the final questions I wanted to ask you,
just because I see such immenseprogress that you've shared
already with us on your journey,from where you started, your
struggles, your shadows, whereyou are, your current point.
What is next for Kate in yourhealing journey?
What is your vision?
What's coming next?
Speaker 1 (38:43):
So what is next for me?
Guess you're going to have tofind out.
Head on over to Apple Podcasts,rediscovering you by Laura
Flowers.
Go to episode 15 in there.
In the end, if you listen,you'll find out what are my next
steps, what's next in myjourney.
Stay tuned.
Thank you for joining me onanother amazing episode of
(39:03):
Infinite Love with Kate.
And again thank you to LauraPowers.
All her information will be inmy bio and my transcripts, so
please go look her up.
She is on Apple PodcastsRediscovering you.
Laura Flowers, I'm humbled andhonored and blessed to have been
a part of your podcast.
I had an amazing time openingup, sharing, laughing with you
(39:25):
and also growing with you.
So again, thank you, thank you,thank you and thank you to all
of you out there who listen.
Much love and light Peace.
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