Atarah Valentine: Overcoming Conditioning, Disrupting Patterns, and Conscious Transformation

Episode Transcript
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Jessica (00:00):
If you enjoy this episode, we would love it if you
would leave us a review, giveus a follow or a like and share
it with your friends.
Thanks, rebels.

(00:59):
Thank you so much for joining us.
Of course, I'm excited.

Atarah Valentine (01:03):
I have not recorded a podcast in so long,
so I'm excited.

Jessica (01:07):
This is actually a really powerful manifestation
for me, awesome.

Thank you.

Jessica (01:12):
And there are many reasons why I've grown to admire
you so much and I know thatmight seem strange because we've
never met before but you'vebeen really open and transparent
about your own journey, so Ifeel like I've been invited in
to witness your growth, andwhile I know that you talk about
growth taking in sweet timewhich it does I think you have

(01:33):
actually had a pretty rapidacceleration from the place or
the mindset that you once livedin, which I think speaks volumes
to the commitment you made toyourself.
I've watched you, in a reallyshort time, grow to be powerful
and embodied in yourself andalso become really successful in
helping other people do thesame.
And so, given that this podcastexplores how the fuck do we do

(01:55):
that, like what is going onbehind the scenes in the lives
of the people that we admire,how did they get to be where
they are, and how do we actuallydecondition ourselves and
become the conscious creators ofour own lives, so I honestly
couldn't think of anyone betterto have this conversation with
than Attara Valentine.

Thank you Honestly.
Thank you because everythingyou said it's not even that I
set out to do any of this.
To be honest, all of it kind ofhappened by accident, as far as
me doing this for a career, butto me it's such a gift because
we share, sometimes especiallythrough social media, and you
don't really know if it'slanding where it's going, and

(02:34):
even my most engaged peoplesometimes don't like, don't
comment, but then I'll randomlybe in New York and I'll be
stopped by like six people whoare like, oh my God, this thing
really helped me.
So it's such a blessing for meto actually get the feedback.
So thank you, because not thatit's what motivates me in doing

(02:55):
this, but it definitely isalways affirming in the process.
I unfortunately haven't reallyever been afraid to share, even
though I've faced so muchrejection, and I just love when
people can also share howthey're feeling in response to
something so candidly, because alot of people are good at
sharing their vulnerability, butvery few people are good at
sharing compliments orpositivity because they think

(03:18):
it's cheesy or they thinksomeone's going to judge them.
And actually if we all did that,we'd all be a lot happier and
feel safer, sharing thevulnerability right.

Jessica (03:27):
Yeah, I think we also assume that you must know
somehow right Because of theposition that you're in.
Like I don't want to make youfeel uncomfortable just telling
you how great you are.
Thank you Well, it's been verymeaningful to me.

Yeah, and could I say something quickly
off the back of that?
Because I really like to liveand practice what I preach.
I don't want to let that piecethat you just said go by,
because even taking a complimentcan be really difficult and
they see so many people push thecompliment back like, oh, I
didn't try that harder, oh, Ididn't do this, and they kind of
take credit away fromthemselves.
So I want to say from a placeof zero arrogance but a total

(04:00):
place of knowing that I do knowright.
But just because I know, itdoesn't mean that it's not
valuable to hear that so manypeople I work with are like oh,
I can't say that, or I can't saythat I'm great or I can't.
But why?
If anybody should think thatyou're great, certainly it
should be yourself.
I mean, how do we expect otherpeople, right?

(04:22):
How do we expect other peopleto sign up if we don't agree
ourselves, right?

Melissa Bauknight (04:28):
Yeah, so too.
The first guest that we had onour podcast is a somatic
movement coach that I haveworked with for the last couple
of years and we do this movementpractice in an intimate group
and when we're doing ourcheck-ins, anytime someone says
something that is good abouttheir lives, she always calls it
a hot brag, and I always lovethat.
She's like, oh, hot brag.
We're like, yes, way to bragabout yourself and it's totally.

(04:49):
It was a great experience to bewitnessed in your celebration
of yourself and have it becelebrated also.
Instead of being like, calmdown, be more humble, you know?
Stop being so arrogant 100%.

Jessica (05:01):
So let's keep bragging about Attara and let you know a
little bit about him.
Attara Valentine is a certifiedhypnotherapist and mindset
coach with specialized trainingin inner child healing, trauma
recovery, mental and emotionalrelease therapy,
neuro-linguistic programming,ptsd, cancer, law of attraction,
immune disorders and weightloss.
I have to say that I generallyfeel pretty skeptical of people

(05:25):
in the wellness space.
I think a lot of what is taughtis a form of spiritual bypass,
and you are one of the fewpeople who resonate with me on
such a deep level for a numberof reasons, and I think you're
really generous in sharing thework.
You have this full roster ofclients, but you're also very
active on social media andyou're doing podcasts.
You're building programs sothat all of us can understand

(05:46):
ourselves better and feel moreempowered in ourselves and our
decision making.
So welcome, attara.
I'm so grateful that you'rehere with us.

Me too.

Jessica (05:57):
So there's a question that we ask all of our guests,
so we're going to start there.
It's one thing to hear yourlist of credentials and another
thing to hear from you how youexperience being yourself.
So we ask who are you and howis that different from who you
thought or were told you weresupposed to be?

Yeah.
So what I would love about thisis this is exactly what I teach
, and I think most people I workwith, most people I meet, don't
know who they are or, if theydo, they're completely ignoring
who they are.
Most people I meet are how theyare right, and there's a big
differentiation between who youare and how you are.

(06:34):
Most of us are chasing the how,because that's where we get
rewarded.
We get rewarded by pushingcertain aspects forward and
hiding certain aspects.
There are conditions aroundwhat we have to do to receive.
There are conditions aroundwhat we have to do to be
accepted.
There are conditions aroundwhat we have to do or how we
have to show up to be loved.
Who I am is someone who does notcare about any of that anymore.

(06:58):
I lived so much of my life inthat space and I could never
figure out what was wrong withme quote unquote Because I was
doing everything that I wastaught to do to be a good friend
, to be a good son, to be a goodstudent, to make other people
comfortable, to always show up,to push through, to be resilient

(07:20):
.
Even when I was a manifestationcoach, I was manifesting all
the time, but I wasn't happy Iwas still doing what someone
told me I was supposed to do andmastering it, because that's
the small piece of who I am thatwould come forward right.
I am someone who will sit andreally try to understand.
I love learning.

(07:41):
If I describe myself in oneword, curious, that is who I am.
I'm someone who's incrediblycurious and not from a
judgmental space.
I love experience.
I love people.
I love seeing how people seethemselves within the world.
I love just trying new things.
I love learning.
I love growing, and so much ofwho I thought I was which is

(08:04):
really how I was had absolutelynothing to do with my well-being
.
It had to do with thewell-being of everybody around
me, which I thought was supposedto give me some kind of purpose
and satisfaction.
Right, and I want to be reallyclear that this doesn't mean be
selfish and only care aboutyourself, because I think people
misconstrue that, which is whya lot of people think, when we

(08:25):
start looking at ourselves andgetting curious with ourselves,
that it feels selfish becausewe're not used to it.
Right?
I'm still a great friend, I'mstill a great son.
I still fully apply myself inall of the situations that
involve other people, but not atthe cost of my health, not at
the cost of my mental health, myemotional health, not at the
cost of my time, not at the costof the things that give me a

(08:46):
good quality of life.
So I would say who I am issomeone who really knows who
they are, who is really tappedinto what is important to them
and who lives every moment oftheir life trying to maintain
that and make it better.
That's who I am.

Jessica (09:02):
Hmm, you spoke to your resiliency and we now know you
as someone who is deeplyresourced with tools to be able
to meet yourself, to uncoverthose belief systems and sit
with them and have practicaltools to work through them.
What did life look like whenyou didn't?
Who were you before?
Like teenage Attara.

Um, I would say I always found some kind of
tools.
I was always looking forgreater purpose and I knew at a
very early age that I was morecurious than most people, which
is a gift and a curse.
I would stick with thingslonger than most people would,
because I would see so manypeople give up.
Somehow I was always able totap into my self-esteem, even

(09:46):
though at face value it lookednon-existent because I was
hunched over and trying to hideso people wouldn't see me.
But when I was in my own space,when I would really get that
reset moment, I was like okay,I'm going back out there.
I would sit and like, oh, I'mgoing to dress like this, I love
Madonna, I'm going to do thistransition into this style right
, and I thought it was so cool.

(10:06):
But my environment, let me knowthat it wasn't true To them at
least my environment, let meknow, because I grew up in New
Jersey that I was not wantedthere Period.
So what I started to do, tokind of put the power back into
my own hands, was okay, I'mgetting a lot of criticism.
Regardless of how I show up,whether I have a shaved head and
I'm dressing like everybodyelse, I'm still getting picked

(10:26):
on.
I'm getting this attention thatI don't know what to do with
and I don't want it.
It's making me uncomfortable,so I'm going to make you
uncomfortable.
What'd that look like?
So I would shave off myeyebrows, I would get extensions
.
I had a lot of girlfriends wholike did really good box braids
and stuff.
So I'd like box braids thatwere like to my hips.

(10:47):
My sneakers had platforms thatwere this high.
I just did everything I could tolet people know I know I'm not
supposed to be here, which feltgood at the time, but it brought
obviously so much unhealthynegative feedback as well.
So it was a weird balancing actfor me.
It felt empowering in a weirdway, but the negative was that

(11:08):
being a character becameprotection for me.
I never again felt comfortablebeing myself.
So even with my music careerwhat do I have to do?
Who do I have to be?
Who do I have to impress?
It kind of sparked all of thatinitial programming again of
what do I have to do outside ofme in order to be what they want
me to be.
There was a positive end ofthat because I was a 12 year old

(11:28):
who was doing yoga in NewJersey in the 90s Like no one
even knew what that was.
Progressive, Progressive.
I was reading books on Kabbalah.
I was reading books on Buddhismand Catholicism and Judaism.

Yeah, I think it's so important to make that
distinction of when you wereshowing up and you're like I'm
going to make you uncomfortable,I'm going to be this way, and
it could have seemed more likean embodiment of self, but in
fact, the way in which you wereplaying that out was not at all.
It was I just want to beanything that you don't want me
to be 100%.
We end up putting ourselvesback in a different box, even

(12:02):
though we're trying to get outof one by being different.

Because it gives us a sense of control,
right?
You don't think I'm normal?
Well, guess what?
I don't want to be normal.
Quote unquote.

Jessica (12:13):
You were talking about the way that we're taught to
live for others, that there'sconditions around who we have to
be in order to be accepted.
I'm wondering if you couldspeak to some of the other
primary beliefs that you haveuncovered in doing this work
with yourself in order to comeback to your authenticity.

Yeah, I mean, how long is this episode?
As long as you are availablefor it.

I don't know.
I have to be a mom again atsome point.
I'll stay on.

I would say, the biggest thing, which was
really the basis of everything.
It took me years.
Honestly, this last year Ireally uncovered this, which is
why my relationship to my bodychanged, which is why I even
physically changed.
So much is I learned everythingis a fight, nothing can come
easy.
Nothing can be easy.
If it came easy, that means Ididn't earn it, and if I fought

(13:05):
for it, it means I earned it.
But the problem is, when you'reused to fighting for everything,
you don't really learn how toreceive.
There's always something elseto fight for, something bigger.
So everything kind of losesmeaning, everything loses value.
When you live like that, youkind of feel like your life is
pointless and in turn you'repointless and you have nothing
to offer because you're justsomeone who does all the time

(13:28):
You're not feeling anything,you're not being, you're not
plugged into your life and thatgives you a real sense of
loneliness.
No one is hyper vigilant and noone plugs into every single
thing possible because they feelsecure.
They do that because they'relooking for security and for me,
I realized I had this reallydeep seated loneliness whenever

(13:48):
it came to me being me, becauseI learned I don't have value.
My value comes from doing mysiblings chores for keeping the
house safe.
My mom and my stepdad are in afight.
She's probably going to gethurt, but if I kick the door
open I can stop it.
That's my value.
I have to do something.
So when I would be left on myown I would get really sad.

(14:10):
I was an antidepressants foryears.
I didn't know how to be in myown space.
I would just start overthinkingbecause I needed people around
me to have purpose.
If there's nothing for me to do,if there's no one for me to
make feel good, if there's notask for me to see and result
that I accomplished something,then my life has no meaning.
That's a really hard road andso many people are walking down

(14:34):
it and are afraid to be quietwith themselves.
There's always TV while we'reeating, plus, we're scrolling
through our phone because we'reavoiding that emptiness we don't
want to feel, which is why wealways overextend ourselves,
right, which is why we feel badsaying no, because we need
something from these people.
I'd say that was theprogramming I had to work
through the most is like beingafraid to be by myself, because

(14:57):
every single time I was alonethere would be suicidal ideation
I would devalue or discreditanything that I did any progress
until I knocked myself backinto a stress response where I
had to fight because I wasafraid to look at that one thing
, which is myself.

Yeah.

Jessica (15:14):
What was the breaking point for you?
Was there a moment or arealization that was incentive
for you to actually start makingshifts and doing the work?

I mean, I was really unhappy.
I had a couple moments where Ijust didn't think I was going to
pull through.
Do you mind if I talk aboutthis really candidly?
Yeah, of course, because Ithink people get ashamed of
stuff like this and it's soincredibly normal.
But suicidal ideation issomething a lot of people that I
work with, a lot of people thatI've met, have.

(15:45):
They think there's somethingwrong with them for thinking a
certain way Like why am I likethis and why can't I just be
happy For me?
That voice in moments of mylife where I felt like I was
going to lose everything and Ihad no options, that voice
somehow comforted me because itlet me know like oh no, I still
have control over something.

(16:05):
As sick as that sounds, Like youhave choice, I still have
choice here, like I'm here and Ican choose to be here or I can
choose to not be here.
And I was living in Brooklyn atthe time.
I was just so down and I feltthe construct of what I was
taught wasn't true.
I'm doing everything.
I'm working 60 hours a week ata job, plus I have two design

(16:28):
clients on top of that.
Plus I have a band that I'mwriting all the songs for,
filming the videos, editingeverything like doing, doing,
doing, doing, doing, networkingon top of that, just totally
burning myself out and nothingwas happening.
Things were just getting worseand worse and worse and worse,
really losing the will to livebecause I didn't understand how

(16:49):
to do it anymore.
It's like the matrix right,like you pull it and you're like
everything's a fucking lie,like this isn't life.
But I have no idea what life is.
This isn't me and I have noidea who I am.
And if I don't know who I amand if I don't know what life is
, how am I going to figure thisout?
I don't have any options left.
So that's what happened and Iwas laying on the floor.

(17:12):
I was having marriage problemsat the time, obviously as well,
my husband started doing reallywell in his career and mine was
going nowhere.
And because I was socodependent for such a long time
, I spent all of my energy likedo this and do this and be this
and put myself aside to help himbuild.
But then I was almost like areflection of what our life used
to be, because my story wasn'tchanging.

(17:33):
So it caused this huge dividein our relationship.
It felt like everything that Idid for him wasn't being
acknowledged and that's whereyears of my life went and I was
laying on my floor on my bedroomcrying, like crying.
I cry all the time now and Ilove it, love crying.
But I used to be the person I'dbottle, put it anywhere else.

(17:56):
Everything's always fine, youneed help.
No, I'm fine, I've got this, Ican do it, I can do that, I can
do this.
Nobody would know I had aproblem until I was shaking on
the ground and that's what I wasdoing, but there was no one to
pick me up.
I was laying there, shaking,crying, and I opened my eyes and
at the time my hair waslavender.
And laying next to me, face toface, was a precious moments

(18:18):
doll that my grandmother got forme when I got my tonsils out.
That was a clown with lavenderhair and I felt in that moment
like I was looking back atmyself, this clown who had so
much pain.
Do you know, precious momentslook like?
They look like they'reliterally about to kill

(18:39):
themselves, but they're adorable, which is where I was the clown
who makes everyone feel goodand does all of these things and
is so empty inside.
And I saw myself looking backat me in this doll and my
grandmother was the mostimportant person in my life,
died when I was 16.
I was like maybe 30 somethingat this point and I looked at it

(19:02):
and I thought, if I'm going tocry like this, I'm going to make
it productive, I'm going to dosomething with this, and it's
the first time that I decided todo something for myself, and
that was the change for me.

Jessica (19:15):
You know, you said something in an Instagram post
where you talked about victimmentality and it really touched
me.
You said that victim mentalityis I have tried everything I
know how to do and it stillisn't working.
And it meant so much to me tohear somebody say that you have
a lot of reframes in the workthat you do.
That, I think, just brings somuch more compassion to our

(19:38):
humanity and to me, that is whatthat moment is.
That moment is I've doneeverything, I've been taught
over and over again and I don'tknow what to do next.

First of all, thank you.
That means a lot.
I love talking about victimmentality because I think we
judge people so harshly whenthey're honest and when they're
vulnerable.
And even on that post, peoplewould must be.
No, this is bullshit.
Everyone thinks that they havea problem once people feel sorry
for them.
They think, ooh, if this iswhat you think of other people,
how harsh are you to yourself ifyou can't accept that someone

(20:12):
is having an issue that they'reoverwhelmed by and you think
people just want attention?
There's a whole set of rules,right, I can't do this and I
can't do that, and I can't shareand I can't be weak and I can't
be vulnerable and I can't bemessy, because that means I'm a
victim.
So we resist it, right?
Those become essentially shadowaspects, which is why people
are so angry, because they'reseeing that peace that they're

(20:32):
denying in themselves, allaround them and other people,
and yet they keep hardening anddenying it, thinking that
they're going to rise above it.

Jessica (20:39):
Yeah, I guess my question that moment of I've
done everything.
I've been taught over and overagain.
Maybe we can segue then intohow we're taught.
You are an expert inconditioning and deconditioning,
so I feel like you understandmore than most the ways that we
become who we are, and I am ahuman design reader as well as

(21:00):
an actress.
This is sort of the realm thatI work in too, and I find it
kind of surprising.
I think it's because of howmuch we identify with our
thoughts and we identify withour belief systems that it's
hard for people to actually wraptheir head around how much of
who we think we are is comingfrom something outside of
ourselves.
So I'm wondering if you couldhelp our listeners understand

(21:21):
this in depth, if we could breakdown how it is that we're
taught, what is conditioning andhow are our belief systems
formed?

100%.
So there's a model calledneurological levels that I teach
, and I like to look at a fewdifferent models of development
so that people can get a reallywell-rounded picture, because a
lot of people will say, oh yeah,my childhood, it doesn't matter
, like, get over it, I don'tremember that.
That's what I hear the mostfrom people who obviously sign
up for a session.
They're wanting to change, butthere's some kind of resistance

(21:53):
because they haven't learned totake responsibility for
themselves.
So we've read all the books,we've done all of the things,
and yet nothing seems to change.
And it's because, regardless ofwhat we intellectually
understand from moment to moment, that's conscious information.
We're just reading andgathering information.
If we're not living it, ifwe're not dealing with any
resistance that's coming up fromour body, then we're not really

(22:16):
dealing with the subconscious.
Very rarely does someone read aself-help book and go now my
life has changed forever andnever have the same issues again
.
Yeah, that'd be nice, though.
And it's not really even aboutwhat's happening.
It's about the fact thatthere's something happening
unconsciously, under the surface, that you're not even aware of.
That's motivating everythingthat you see, because what is

(22:37):
reality?
What is actually real?
There are three of us on thiscall.
It's somewhat of a controlledenvironment.
We're all sitting in front ofcomputers.
Two of us are hot.

I'm hot too, really hot.

Jessica (22:52):
I didn't bring it up, but we're all hot, everyone's
sweating, that is real Three ofus are sweating right?

Yeah, it's not highlighter, but we could be
having three completelydifferent experiences based on
past experiences, pastinformation.
So when people say, oh yeah, Ihave a hard time trusting people
because my mommy didn't hold mewhen I was a baby, I don't
remember that, you don't have to.
Your body remembers that Ifwe're building trust from zero

(23:20):
to two years old and we'recrying and nobody comes, your
body starts going oh my god,what do we do?
This is bad.
Now you learned unconsciouslyat that age that if you are in
distress, somebody might notcome.
And this is how we build ourreality.
I'm 42 years old.
My mom did the cry it outmethod.
She closed the door, she put ona fan.

(23:41):
I can still not sleep insilence.
I need a fan, I need noise.
I have all these rules rightBecause I've been sleeping that
way for 42 years.
If I'm in an environment thatfeels very quiet and unnatural
to me, my body doesn't know howto go to sleep within it.
I can work on changing that,but it's been this way for 42

(24:03):
years.
I'm not consciously makingthese decisions.
So why is this important?
Because our environment tellsus a lot.
From zero to two years old, ababy is in delta brain waves,
even when its eyes are open.
That is deep sleep.
As an adult.
They're so suggestible, sospongy.
Two to six years old childrenare in theta.
That's literally hypnosis.

(24:23):
No differentiation betweenfantasy and reality.
That's why playtime is soimportant.
Right, we can build entireworlds.
We put on a costume and webecome She-Ra.
In that moment I'm not a Taraanymore.
We're playing in the backyard,we're swinging a stick, but in
our brain we see a sword Five tonine alpha brain waves, which
is like daydreaming.
We're watching a horror movie.

(24:43):
Something jumps out, we jump,we scream, we're safe, but we're
more suggestible.
We can take everything at facevalue throughout our childhood
and a stick can be a sword andwe can fly and we can become
somebody else.
And that's real.
And we're producing realadrenaline when we're fighting
off an invisible army in thebackyard, even though there's
nothing there.
It's a projection which FYI,spoiler alert is what we still

(25:07):
do with reality.
We're projecting our ideas.
That exists around us at alltimes, so our brain knows how to
keep us alive.
And what about the informationthat is coming in consistently
from the primary caretaker, fromthe family, from the religious
beliefs, from the socioeconomicstatus of the town that we grow
up in.
So we're going to learn a lotthrough observation, through
what we're directly told.
So our environment essentiallydictates our, informs our

(25:30):
behavior, what's acceptable,what isn't, what we find
valuable to do.
We learn all of the skills andthe capabilities of how to be
really helpful in order toconnect with people, because we
learn that's what our value is.
So we're not really spending alot of time focusing on how do I
say no instead of healthyboundary, like there's no value
in doing that If we've alreadylearned that our value comes
from how we show up for otherpeople, which, let's face it,

(25:52):
that's what religion teaches us,that's what school teaches us,
that's what every singleeducational program teaches us
is how to be good for otherpeople.
We don't learn how to really eatproperly.
We don't learn how to take careof our bodies.
We don't learn what to do withour emotions, like it's not
about us at all.
So we go through our life doingthese things and we build
belief systems around them.
Yes, when I help people, I'mgood.

(26:13):
When I don't, I'm selfish.
So then, what do we value offthe back of that?
Are we valuing independence andautonomy?
No, we're going to valuecommunity and friendship and
family and things that connectus, then that shapes our
identity, all of that stuff.
So now we are people who needthe environment to dictate or
inform whether or not we'redoing a good job, whether we're
successful, whether we're makingit in life.

(26:34):
People, please, are codependent,whatever you want to call it.
So even our vision, what wethink is possible for ourselves,
what we think our potential is,is dictated or informed by all
of that information.
We learn to keep puttingconditions around our feelings
to motivate us.
What if we can understand whatsuccess actually means to us?
So we're not just blindlychasing the version of it that

(26:54):
we've been taught, because it'sa lie.
The story that we've been toldthat if you do A, b and C,
you'll receive this is a lie,because that feeling is very
rarely there and the reality isthat feeling is not the reward
for doing.
That feeling is actually thefuel that motivates us to get
that thing that we want, becausethe person who's going to feel

(27:14):
successful is the person who'ssuccess has driven them to that
end point.
They're in alignment withsuccess.
They understand who they are,how they got there, what they've
done to do that, so they canfully receive it.
They don't think theopportunity is going to make
them feel something it neverwill.

Yeah, we're fucked.
Well, I have a six-year-old sonand I'm just thinking so much
of what you're saying.
I see in him and I amconsciously raising this boy,
but I see him do things like hisnew phase is well, what do you
want me to do?
What would you like me to do?
What would you prefer?
And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(27:52):
Like I really like I see himdoing that.
Please stop doing that.
Please stop doing that, like Idon't want you to be living your
life just so it can be what Iwant.
And I see him doing that sonaturally, at the age of six.
And so I was just present tothat, as you were talking of how
early it starts in life, ofcourse, because who?

does he need the most?
You Right Me, so he wants to dogood for you.
That's a natural thing, right?
Right?
We should want ultimately to dogood for the people who are
around us.
That would be lovely ifeverybody thought that way.
But within that, it's alsounderstanding what do you want,
and it's really interesting.
So when I work with people whohave young kids, a lot of times

(28:32):
they're like oh my God, I'm soafraid I'm going to fuck up my
kid.
And no one really knows whatthey're doing, even some of the
top experts in the world.
They have the most distortedrelationships with their kids.
And I always just tell peoplethe best way to raise your kid
and again, this is just anopinion is to understand that
your kid is learning about youwhile you're learning about them

(28:53):
, and you're going to learnabout you because of this
relationship and they're goingto learn about them because of
this relationship.
There's an exchange.
It's not you doing to your kid.
That kid's going to do a lot toyou and for you as well, and
it's about letting them have aspace to feel that they have a
voice, to feel that they haveindependence, but to always know

(29:16):
that there's support there forthem, to let them make a mistake
, to be able to walk them andhelp pick them up and tell them
why it was good what they didand what they can do next time
to improve upon it.
Right, there's not one hard,steadfast way to raise a child
to make this like perfect kid.
Everything is so unique.
We lose our patience, we getoverloaded, we yell for no

(29:36):
reason.
It's okay.
You're allowed to tell your kidthat you're stressed out and it
had nothing to do with them andthat you're sorry.
That's the way we fuck up ourkid.
When we don't thinkaccountability because we think
we're the adult and our kid hasto think we're perfect, the
worst thing you can do as aparent is try to create a world
where your kid thinks you'reperfect, because that means they
believe that they're going tohave to be perfect.

(29:58):
Then that's a lot of pressurebecause I mean, I haven't met
anyone who's perfect of you.

No, I've met a lot of people really trying to
be Real hard.

Including myself, for many, many, many
many, many, many, many yearsSame yeah, and it's exhausting
and it's boring, it's soexhausting.

Jessica (30:15):
So what do we do?
We have these consciousthoughts and then we have all of
this subconscious programmingthat's driving the show.
But because it's subconscious,how do we even start to identify
what that belief system is inorder to bring it to the surface
and start to rewrite it orbegin to work with it?

Yeah, I think that's what I would say to my
clients, especially when we'recoming from this really
flattened place.
First off, nothing's going tochange unless we can commit to
it.
That's the truth and we're notalways in that place and that is
okay.
And I want to reinforce thatfor people because it's really
easy to also make self-discoveryor personal growth or whatever

(30:55):
you want to call it.
Another job, another thingthat's punishing.
This is no different fromworking out and lifting weights.
Like, we have work days and wehave rest days.
Not every day can be a work dayand not every day can be a rest
day and expect results.
And we have periods where wehave to be a little more simple
and periods where we can go in.
But things cannot change ifwe're not aware of them, if we

(31:17):
aren't curious.
There's no way that we canchange things because we don't
even know.
If you have a thought, you'regoing to believe that thought,
because you've believed thatthought for 42 years, exactly If
you have a feeling attached toit that you learned.
If I have a feeling like this,I have to do X, y and Z to get
rid of it, so you're going to dothat.
So I have a little structurethat I teach to my clients for

(31:40):
embodiment and it's really forproactive change, and I created
a little acronym that goesidentification, awareness and
movement, and that's the orderit has to happen in.
That's proactive change,reactive changes.
I don't like this feeling move,we skip the learning, we
haven't identified it, wehaven't raised awareness around
it, we don't know why it'sbothering us, where it came from

(32:02):
, what we actually want, how wewant to show up instead.
And if we can figure that stuffout, your body will tell you
what's uncomfortable.
It will tell you all thestories that are attached to it,
and then that's where your workis Looking for evidence to
disprove it, learning new habits, learning new behaviors,
learning new ways of being thatalign with the thing that you
want, especially if that storythat you've been living is

(32:23):
beginning to feel untrue.
So curiosity is reallyimportant.
However, for some of us, it'sreally scary doing this.
I was hiking yesterday with myhusband at Runyon and there was
a group of girls and I guess oneof their boyfriends started
working out and she's like oh myGod, he's putting protein in
everything, even his Greekyogurt.

(32:44):
Can you believe that?
And they're laughing and myhusband goes wow, people get so
harshly criticized as soon asthey change.
Why is that and this?

Jessica (32:54):
is a positive thing.

This is triggering for other people.
Because it's triggering forother people Because it has
nothing to do with him.
It has to do with the fact thathe's actually trying to learn
to change his habits.
And she's at Runyon Canyonsitting on a bench instead of
hiking, and they're sitting anddrinking and eating and making
fun of her boyfriend who'strying to take care of his body,
and that's just eating proteinand working out.

(33:15):
So imagine when you look atchildhood patterns, imagine when
you start looking at behaviors,people get so threatened by it,
which is why you really have toknow why you're doing it for
yourself.
And the best motivation I sayto my clients all the time is
frustration, because as soon asyou start identifying and
raising awareness of what theissue is, I want you to be
irritated by it.
I had a client who was dealingwith something really major that

(33:37):
she hadn't dealt with since shewas a teenager and it triggered
a response and she's like whatif I just don't want to do
anything about this?
And this is just how it is andI said, but that's okay, that's
totally okay.
You get to choose that.
If you can't handle change, ifyou can't handle looking at this
stuff right now.
You don't have to.
I'm not going to tell you whyyou should or criticize you.

(33:58):
You know better than I do.
I don't know how you feel,right, well, am I disappointing
you?
I didn't do my homework.
Are you going to yell at me?
No, no, no.
Let's talk about why you didn'tdo your homework.
I don't care if you did yourhomework or not.
People almost want to be likeparented.
This is not something anybodywants to deal with.
We finished the session.
We talked about how she wasfeeling frustrated and it was
activating her and she's likewell, what should I do?

(34:18):
And I'm like keep doing whatyou're doing.
Next time, I hope you're evenmore frustrated, because when
you hit that space, then we cantake all of that energy and we
can start moving and we canstart doing something about this
.
The time will come.
We don't have to force it.

One of the things that I would love for you
to unpack is about commitment,which is something you said in
the beginning of that, and oneof the things I see so often is
this all or nothing mentality.
How do you address that withyour clients?
Because, obviously, with growthwork and with what you're
teaching and with what Jessicaand I support, nothing is all or
nothing.
It can't be it just can't be.

(34:54):
It's.
The expectation is that if Idon't go all in and do this
every single day and do it thisvery specific way, then it's
wrong and bad and I might aswell not even try to begin with.

Right, and then who is so?
How do you?

address that.

Yeah, so I do a session with my clients and
it's my favorite session becausepeople have really big aha
moments and it's interesting.
Some of them arehypnotherapists, but I very
rarely use hypnosis in sessionsbecause I find the value of
learning so much more valuable.
One of the sessions I do is wego through thinking distortions.
We go through 10 differentkinds of thinking distortions
and all or nothing thinking isone of them, and so I'll have

(35:27):
the client write all of the waysall or nothing thinking shows
up and then we'll go into whatis the secondary gain from this.
Because obviously, anytime wego to change, anytime we go to
learn, it creates stress, itcreates anxiety in our brain.
So if we can understand whatthat benefit is for a lot of
people it's control, comfort,time, space, safety or
motivation right, if we can getclear on what the secondary gain

(35:49):
is, then we can ask ourselvesokay, I'm needing control here.
What's a way that I can have asense of control that feels more
aligned and to go against allor nothing thinking?
The thing is, big things don'tstick.
That's just the truth.
When I work with people, wedon't even spring into action.
If someone's not regulated, ifsomeone's not emotionally
grounded, they're going to havea really hard time if they're

(36:10):
walking around in a stressresponse.
So what I like to do is reallyget an understanding of why we
don't want to do it.
How do you know it's time toprocrastinate?
Not why do you procrastinate,but how do you know it's time to
procrastinate?
What happens in your body?
What is your strategy forprocrastination?
I'm very forensic in the way Igo about things, because if we
can understand the process, thenwe can change it and we can

(36:31):
actually use the same process toinstall a different process.
But I always say start small,because big things are really
hard to sustain.
That's why people's New Year'sresolutions fall off.
If you can say I'm going tofocus on getting one thing off
of this list on a day, but thenyou look at your list and it's
like paint my house, sort itthrough all of my clothing and

(36:52):
bring it, how can you break thatdown into very micro tasks so
you can actually succeed?
We don't learn to value smallthings.
That's why no one paysattention anymore when they're
eating dinner.
It's why everyone's on theirphone, why friends are talking,
because they're looking for thisbig exciting thing that's going
to make them feel something.
But your life is happening allaround you and you're not even a

(37:13):
piece of it, so we don't do abig thing.
I like to call themmicro-discomforts.
We actually look for reallysmall uncomfortable situations
that we can move through, sothat we can begin to build that
trust in ourselves, so that wecan begin to see, to believe.
Oh okay, even though I wantedto shut down in this situation,

(37:34):
because I'm able to identify andI have awareness that I
disconnect one with my friends.
But what I'm really wanting isconnection and to show up
authentically.
I'm not going to be like, heyguys, let me tell you the
biggest secret of my life, butwhen I notice myself
disconnecting, I can speak andask a question during that time
that I think it's more valuableto shut down to stay safe.

(37:54):
Does that make sense?
And then we keep building on it.
We kind of keep stretching itand raising the stakes.
Before you even take a step,I'll use something like mental
rehearsal.
We use visualization to seeourselves moving through.
We know people in the Olympicsuse mental rehearsal to see
themselves going through.
I use all the times in myworkouts to try and get to a new
personal record so we can beginto teach the nervous system and

(38:16):
the subconscious that we can dothis If resistance comes up.
Oh, I tried to, but this cameup, okay, cool, let's see if
it's connected to somethingdeeper.
You just have to be verycurious in the process.
So if we can break things intosmall tasks, learn to value the
small tasks, we can also learnto value the things that are
already in existence around us,which makes our foundation so
much stronger for any of thechanges that we're kind of
moving toward.

Jessica (38:37):
I think I'm still a little stuck on the awareness
piece of how we can actuallyidentify a limiting belief if
it's not in our conscious mind.
How does somebody who might betuning into this going?
I don't know how to evenapproach this work.
They can recognize that thingsaren't working in their lives.
How would they recognize whatisn't working?
What would be their clue intowhat is at the root?

Yeah, so I have a real issue with people
thinking that they have touncover a root in order to live
their lives, and it's a big partof the reason that I started my
own company, because I findthat very punishing.
If you want this, you have togo and heal that root in order
to do this, which means yourlife is in the future or your
life is in the past and whatyou're doing right now has no

(39:19):
importance.
So fuck the root, for lack of abetter word.
Right, because that's actuallythe problem.
The identification is, I feel,stuck period.
Identification doesn't mean wehave to have any more
information than that.
It's simply putting a title toa feeling, and when we do that,
what we're doing is we're takingit from an unconscious on
knowing to a conscious onknowing.

(39:41):
We're consciously becomingaware that there's something
that we don't know.
I don't know how to move throughthis, so we ask very simple
questions.
I learned these in second gradewho, what, where, why, when and
how?
Who am I having this issue with?
Is it everybody in the industry?
Am I having this feeling ofstuck and being left behind in
friendships as well?
Is it a feeling that's also inmy family?

(40:02):
Is it isolated and specific.
Right, what is it that I'mfeeling?
Or what is it that I'm afraidof?
Have I felt like this before?
Or where did I learn that thiswas true?
Why am I in this space again?
Or why am I afraid to movethrough this?
When in my life did I not feellike this?
Or when did I feel like this inthe past?

(40:23):
Just those simple questionsuncover so much information
that's unique to you.
You need the context, becauseif you don't understand how we
got here, you're not going tounderstand what's in the way of
why you're not doing the thing.
So once you have that, the mostimportant question to ask is
how, now that I have all of thisinformation, how do I want to
feel?
How do I want to be able toshow up?

(40:44):
What would that look like?
Why is that important?
How could that potentially movethings forward?
Once we can set an intentionlike that, your brain has a job.
It can start looking for thosethings.
Really, what happens is yourbrain will start telling you all
the reasons you can.
That's why we don't have to golooking for a route.
Be like well, it's becauseyou're not skinny enough, or

(41:06):
you're not this enough, oryou're not that enough.
Track those limiting beliefs,keep it in your phone.
Limiting beliefs, negativeself-talk, core beliefs that
come up Because all of thethoughts are shaping our reality
.

Jessica (41:17):
How is that different from root?

Because you're not searching for the root.

Jessica (41:22):
Okay, so it's not that there isn't a root.
It's the searching for the rootthat you take.
Yeah, it's not that there isn'ta root.
If you work with a root right.

Ultimately, all of these things will lead to
some kind of root.
That's why we don't have toobsess about it.
As soon as you get clear onwhat you actually want, your
brain, your body, your nervoussystem is going to give you all
the reasons it can't happen.
You will get to your rootthrough there.
People, just using their voice,are saying no, you can't, why.
Oh, they're not going to likeme.
Okay, cool, where did you learnthat?
If you say no, people don'tlike you.

(41:49):
If this was easy, everybodywould be doing it.
That's why I do what I do.
Right, because we can literallytake one thought and see how
many distortions are involved init, what the distortions are
doing, what the benefit is, howit's holding us back.
When we get that information,people go like fuck this.
We think just because we'reliving inside of our body that

(42:10):
we know ourselves.
Very few of us have spent timeactually getting to know
ourselves.
We're actually denying who weare more than being who we are,
so thinking we're just going togo in and do all of this
self-work and find all theseanswers on our own.
That's really hard.
People do need assistance,however.
If you can be curious and youcan ask those questions.

(42:30):
It takes a little bravery inmoving through the insecurity of
not knowing for any of this towork.
If we can just all admit maybeI don't know who I am, but I
really want to figure it out,you're already ahead of 90% of
people.
Awareness is curiosity.
Awareness is really askingyourself questions, being honest

(42:52):
, taking feedback from people.
Friends will be oh no, you'regreat, you're so this and you're
so that?
No, no, no.
What do you think my issue is?
I'm not going to yell if yousay something I don't like.
I want to know.
How do you think I'm holdingmyself back as someone who
really knows me?
That's how we raise awarenessby not being afraid of what's
going to come back at us, by notbeing afraid of being

(43:12):
vulnerable, by not being afraidof finding out the truth,
because we can keep distortingand making up some fake truth
that makes us feel like we'refurther along than we are.
Or we can actually admit thatI'm scared and I don't know and
I might need help here.

Just the simple thing of asking that
question.
When I first started mypersonal growth journey about
eight years ago, they had us dointerviews.
That was one of the firstthings I remember doing.
That really changed my life andI remember being so fucking
scared so scared of that answerto your point.
It was like I don't want to.
What if I hear something that Idon't want to hear?
What am I going to do with thisinformation?

(43:47):
What if they don't like me?
And getting the feedback is soimportant but it's so terrifying
?
And what if?

people see something, or what if people see
the thing in me that I try tohide most?
That's the scariest one andit's the biggest issue that I
had in music, because being acharacter was so important,
because that meant protection.
I'd almost get the record deal.
I was signed to Atlantic yearsago.
Sony did my publishing, likebig management, all these things
and people are like, oh my God,this guy's a star, you have to

(44:14):
meet him.
And the thing I would hear allthe time from people was I
didn't get you until I met you,but I don't feel you in your
music.
I don't feel who you are comingthrough.
You're a great performer,you're this, you have a great
look.
Because I was afraid.
I was afraid to share thevulnerability.
I just wanted to do what I hadto do, to get to the place where
I felt secure and I would makethings really big.

(44:35):
Because if I have a big showand I have a nine piece band and
a string section and I havethis really glossy video, then
that means this.
But I got lost in theproduction when, in reality, all
I had to do was be reallyvulnerable and perform from that
place, because yourvulnerability makes you
bulletproof.
We have nothing to protect.
No one can take anything fromus that we're not willing to

(44:56):
give.
Can we be disappointed inpeople?
Yeah, that doesn't mean thatevery person needs to be looked
at that way.
That means that person's justnot right for us.
That's okay.

Jessica (45:07):
Yeah.
So let's say we bring in theawareness, we're getting curious
, we're asking the questions,we're starting to uncover things
, we're getting feedback.
How do we start to disrupt thepattern?
What is it that we can do,especially if we have done
everything we've been taught?
It means we don't knowsomething.
Where do we go for thatlearning?

Yeah, what I do with clients a few sessions
in is we write a vision.
Not I want a house with A, band C.
What do you think that house isgoing to make you feel?
That's what I'm interested in.
I want a job with this.
What do you think that job'sgoing to give you or make you
feel?
That's what I want people topay attention to, because that's
what we're all after actuallyand it's what we're chasing.
So if we set that intention andwe get really clear on what

(45:49):
that blueprint is, that's whatwe follow.
I have people really familiarizethemselves with it.
I have them read it in themorning, I have them read it
before they go to sleep and theyhave them use it as a tool to
disrupt, even in the process,while you're never going to be
able to stop.
Let me go to this.
Am I showing up like this?
What's getting in the way?
What am I feeling?
Obviously, my clients.
We do a lot of unconscious workaround this too, whether it's

(46:11):
NLP or tapping or MER therapy,hypnosis, right to really get in
there as well.
But for someone who's notworking with me, where you put
your mind is what becomes real.
That does not mean avoidingproblems.
That means learning how toreframe problems.
That means learning how toreframe to move through
discomfort.
So I have a couple oftechniques that I use.

(46:32):
I'll tell you guys a few.
Actually, this first techniqueI love because that voice that
talks to us.
Sometimes we're not even awareit's happening.
Oh, everyone's going to hateyou and you're this or that, and
then all of a sudden we go intoa certain state and that thing
kind of happens.
It's a self-actualized prophecy.
So I do this exercise.
It's one of the tools in mytrigger workshop.
It's called Mickey Mouse andButt and I do this with my

(46:57):
clients because what we callthis in NLP is changing the
submodalities.
So someone want to do this.
Or do you want me to just giveyou an example?

Jessica (47:04):
I'll do it.

Okay, so, okay .
So I want you to think ofsomething, something that comes
up in your head that feelsreally unmotivating or
depressing or sad, somethingthat really puts you in a place
where you don't feel like doinganything, like you're going to
fail or no one likes you.
That kind of stuff, whatevernaturally comes up for you.
You got something.

(47:27):
Can we share it?
If you're comfortable sharing,I'd love that.

Jessica (47:31):
Dating.

Yeah, and what is it?
What's the belief that?

Jessica (47:36):
comes up.
I think the belief that comesup is that I can't find somebody
online.
I need to be in the real worldand feel someone's energy, to
know if I feel attracted.
So I really struggle with doingit online and that seems to be
what everyone tells you you needto do in this thing.

Yeah, you can't find someone online.
First of all, let's look atthat belief, right, because
we're obviously going to doeverything we can to reinforce
this.
And I would say, maybe, on topof you can't find somebody
online, because this is what wedo, right, we can't find someone
online.
So we're going to look for allthe disaster stories our friends
say to be like oopsie, theytried and this happened and that

(48:18):
happened and this.
And then there's this pressureto meet people in person, right,
and even talking about it, yousee how your physiology changes,
like your deep breath and yourshoulders go upright, so it
becomes more real every singletime.
So then, what do we do?
We disconnect.
We want to be in a relationship, but we're not doing the thing
that's supposed to put us there.
So I want you to hear that inyour head, the way you hear it

(48:39):
you can't find someone online oryou're never going to find
someone online.
Hear it in your head again, inthe same way you heard it, and
how does that feel, just when itcomes up for you.

Jessica (48:50):
I mean, the whole thing feels icky.

Feels icky, right?
So if something feels icky, areyou going to get off at this
call and be like let me updatemy dating profile.

Jessica (49:00):
I mean I have done so.
It's not like I'm not online,but it does feel icky.

It's not exciting, right.

Jessica (49:08):
No, it doesn't feel exciting.

No.
So we're obviously not going tobe motivated to really do
something to change that,because it's like, ugh, yeah, I
feel that I had this disaster,this happened.
My friend said this, so I haveenough confirmation enough to
try that.
So what we do is we change thismodality because that voice is
trying to help us and listen.
There may be something elsewhere not to project or make
assumptions but maybe we had asituation in the past where we

(49:34):
thought we could really trustsomeone who we did meet in
person and then they changedrapidly so it made us fearful.
So we don't trust ourselves andnot being in a room with
somebody right, I think you'regoing to be on this.

Call for at least another hour.

So if I can't, what does that boil down to?

So sorry, you thought you were sweaty before.

Right.
So it comes down to,essentially if I couldn't trust
myself when I was able to do allthese things, how can I trust
myself when I can't evenexperience a person?
So this is so good.
I mean, this is what I do for aliving, right?
So, obviously, what are wegetting?
When we talked about thebenefits, the secondary gain, of
this Control, because now youdon't have to do that Time and

(50:28):
space right, because you're notgoing online, so you can only
meet people in person, whichisn't going to be as frequent,
so you don't have to look at anyof the stuff that comes up for
you in relationships unlessyou're in that specific
situation.
Right, control, time, space,safety, because now you're
protected those are prettyimportant things.
Your brain's trying to help you.
If we can approach everythingwith compassion and if we can

(50:50):
understand whatever your brainis putting forward has a
positive intention behind it.
There's a positive intentionbehind every behavior, even
negative self-talk.
We know you've got time, space,comfort, control, safety
actually five things.
From believing that thought, nowwe can say, okay, well, is this
working for me?
Is this the best way for me tohave comfort and control?

(51:12):
Right, what is it that I needto learn?
That's how we begin to answerthese questions.
What would make me feel safeonline?
What would that look like?
And this is where we dosubconscious work.
We take little micro actions.
Oh well, you know, I've beensitting and waiting for people
to reach out to me and it makesme feel really insecure, but I'm
going to try and just message afew people randomly or swipe
for people that don't even careabout, just to break myself out

(51:32):
of that cycle, right?
The point is, you're nevergoing to find someone online.
We know that there's a deeperbelief.
Now Can we go to the deeperbelief maybe?
Like I can't trust myself whenit comes to finding people or
meeting people.
What would you say?
The belief is underneath that.

Jessica (51:48):
There's a few because you're on the money.
There was a very significanttrauma around self-trust.
That's a component of it.
Let's go with that.

Yeah, based on my past experience, I can't
trust myself.

Jessica (52:02):
Right.

Period.
It feels like a truth.
Right, we have evidence, we'veseen what happens.
So your brain obviously doesn'twant you to do that.
So it's like definitely don'tgo online.
That's where the red tape comesfrom, because now there are
conditions.
The only way you can trustyourself is if you have this
specific vetting process ofmeeting people in person.
It has to look like this andthis is acceptable,

(52:23):
unconsciously, right, based onpast experiences, I can't trust
myself.
Period.
When we think about that, thatmakes us spin.
We go down the rabbit hole, wego into the cycle.
We try and talk to our friendsand like, yeah, well, you know
that was this and maybe youshould have.
We tend to get the informationthat confirms whatever the
negative bias is.
But I want you to hear in yourhead now exactly that one more

(52:44):
time, not to torture you withthis.
I'm sorry, but based on pastexperience, I can't trust myself
.
Doesn't feel great, I'massuming.
No, I want you to hear thatsame exact sentence.
Based on my past experience, Ican't trust myself in the same
way.
You heard it in your head, butthis time I want you to hear it
in Mickey Mouse's voice.

If only I could bring my son Jack on, he
can do a real thing in DonaldDuck yeah.

Donald Duck, words too right.
What happened?
What happened?

Jessica (53:18):
It sounds ridiculous.

But and people can't see this but even your
physiology's changed, right, youknow, lighter, your whole face
is lit up.
It wasn't doing that literallythree seconds ago, why?
Yeah, it changed thesubmodality.
That voice is no longer thevoice that you just accept is
truth.
It creates psychologicaldistance.
So that's step one here,because we have to be present in

(53:43):
order to change you.
Believing this is still true isnot you being present, it's you
taking your past and putting itinto the present.
We know how that ends Once wehave this kind of equilibrium
here.
Now we can look for resources,because now we have to disprove
this.
And this is where the buttcomes in, because when it's just
a period, it feels like a fact,right?

(54:04):
So we have Mickey Mouse basedon your past experiences.
You can't trust ever again.
So now we're going todisassemble it Based on my past
experiences.
I can't trust myself, but and Iwant you to say that whole line

(54:25):
and I want you to finish itLook for a resource, Ask the
creative part of your brain tofill in the gap with a resource.

Jessica (54:32):
Should I do this out loud yeah?
Or in my head.

Out loud.

Jessica (54:36):
So this is my past experience.
I'm not the same person that Iwas.

Great, do it again.
New resource, whole line.

Jessica (54:49):
Based on my past experience, I can't trust myself
, but I've proven to myself inso many areas of my life that I
can.

Amazing Another one.

Jessica (55:03):
Based on my past experience, I can't trust myself
, but I am the most trustworthyperson I know.
That's true, right.

Question, and for Melissa, because she's
watching you as well do younotice how that last one was
fully received?
Do you notice the lightness,the change in physiology?
That's one thing.
Right, you accepted that.
That's what I was waiting for.
Sometimes people do it 10 timesand they get so frustrated and

(55:34):
then they laugh or they cry orthey yawn, and I see that it's
been accepted by their body.
Now Something happens in theprocess of doing this.
When we say the thing out loud.
This is like kind of real-timeshadow work.
This seems really simple, but alot of thought went into this.
Just simply saying the linethrough repetition over and over
again is desensitizing it.
We're vocalizing something wehold on to.

(55:55):
The more we hold on to it, themore true it feels.
By the third time you said thatyou were saying that line like
it didn't even matter.
You were just trying to getthrough it so you can get to the
resource.
You notice that, Right, Becausewe start even though in the past
it starts really dramatic, andthen we feel silly looking for
the resource.
In all of a sense, even thoughin the past I haven't been able
to trust myself, I'm the mosttrustworthy right it becomes the

(56:16):
real thing.
But that's a really easy way toget to the truth.
We cannot do what we want to doin an unresourceful state.
The formula for a problem iswhen we attach an unresourceful
state to an event.
I want a relationship being theevent, but I can't trust myself
.
Well, guess what?
That's probably not going towork.
So we have to open this up.

(56:37):
We have to find resources.
This is like actually I'mreally trustworthy and actually,
even though I did this, I'veactually met a lot of people I
liked and even though and thenwe get closer and closer that
took what two minutes?

Mm-hmm.
She's going to go online afterthis.

Yeah.

Tonight.

Jessica (56:55):
Well, first I am online , I just dread it, you know, and
I haven't given myself a goodrelationship with it Totally.
I really appreciate you sharingthat and it's interesting.
I do a lot of this work.
You and I, I think, have ashared history of a lot of the
kinds of work that we've done.
I walk my clients throughsimilar things and I feel so

(57:17):
vulnerable.
I mean, I know that I'm doingthis publicly, but I have a lot
of icky feelings coming up in mybody and I just want to say
that out loud because a lot ofpeople who aren't familiar with
this work, who this is reallynew to, I just want to say that
so that if you take yourselfthrough this process and it's

(57:39):
deeply uncomfortable and feelsterrible, I think that actually
is how it's supposed to feel.

Of course, but again, we don't have to sit in
it, right?
So let's even take the idea ofthis, because this is about
relationships, right?
This is what you're looking for.
You're looking for arelationship.
There's no such thing as arelationship without
vulnerability 100%.
There's a lot protected bydisconnecting.
There's a lot protected byhaving conditions around how we
meet people and how we show up.

(58:06):
The other one I was going toteach.
I call these leading statementsbecause I hate affirmations,
because I love affirmations inthe context of hypnosis, where
prefrontal cortex is shut down,we're not using conscious mind
and it's just feeling right, wecan receive it there, but we say
I'm safe and I'm free and opento date online.
Like no, probably you'resomeone who's going to be like

(58:26):
sorry bitch, no, you're notright.
Like that's what it does.

Jessica (58:31):
I just want to say that why I think I feel so icky is
because it's challenging myprogram 100%.

And if we take a leading statement and again,
this is the formula for thisleading statements are
acknowledging the problem, butthey're also creating a resource
.
That's so many of the tools thatI developed do this, because so
many of us are used to workingfor what it is that we're
looking for.
That's a very important wordhere and so it is saying like
I'm just safe.
No, you're not.
And this is where I getirritated with, like trauma
informed therapists and stufftoo and a lot of them are my

(58:59):
clients, to be honest, and I'llsay well, what do you do with
your clients when they're havinga trauma response and they say
I just tell them to put theirhand on their heart and say that
they're safe and they'reprotected, and I'm like but they
don't feel that way.
That's why they have anxiety,like there's already a feeling
telling them they're not safeand protected.
So just telling yourself isn'tgoing to do anything.
So I like leading statementsbecause we can acknowledge what
we're feeling.

(59:20):
Let's take dating, for example,and this is very public.
It's awkward, right.
This isn't like a privatesession.
People are going to belistening to this, so there's a
lot of vulnerability, if that'ssomething that we always feel
need to protect.
There are going to be feelingsof ooh, is that okay, or should
I cut this out?
Or what if this, or what ifthat?
But let's run with it.
The leading statement is this,and I want you to think about

(59:40):
this in the context of wantingnot just a romantic relationship
, but better relationships,better relationship with
yourself, better relationshipwith Melissa, better
relationship with people thatyou meet, because that's
authenticity, even though blank.
I'm working on blank.
First, blank is acknowledgingthe problem.
Second is redirecting yourbrain to what you want it to do.

(01:00:01):
Right, even though I'm feelingicky and uncomfortable right now
because I shared so much, I'mworking on trying to be more
honest with myself so I can movethrough this.
You see how that doesn't feellike a lie.

Jessica (01:00:16):
Yeah.

Atarah Valentine (01:00:17):
Yeah Right, it's honest, it's not judgmental
, it's acknowledging the problem, and I could do 900 of them
right.
Even though I'm feeling ickyand uncomfortable right now
because I was so transparent,I'm working on learning to trust
myself, and part of that isusing my voice and expressing
how I'm feeling.
Imagine if that's what we werereinforcing every time we had

(01:00:37):
that discomfort.
Even though I have anuncomfortable feeling right now,
I'm working on sharing openlywith my users, because I know
someone else is going throughthis and we're all going to lift
each other up.

Jessica (01:00:45):
That's right.
Yeah, that's right.

Right.
Imagine if that's the way youwere speaking to yourself,
internally, externally, to otherpeople.
What's the power of reframing,which is really what all of this
is, instead of like, oh, thisis true, that was bad, this is
icky, I can't do this, I can'tgo online, great, well, we're
going to keep reinforcing thatstory then.
So if we want something badenough, we can begin to look for

(01:01:08):
those micro-discomforts, butthen we have to be kind to
ourselves after, because if wejust do the movement and then
judge it, we're reinforcing thatthat was bad.
This is where we have to haveself-compassion, right, even
though this is uncomfortable andI feel all these walls want to
go up, I'm working on allowingmyself to tell the truth,
because that's going to lead tohealthy relationships.

(01:01:28):
Want to take a stab at it?

Jessica (01:01:32):
Yeah.

For sure, even though blank, I'm working on
blank.

Jessica (01:01:36):
Even though I feel icky and resistant to being called
out on my shit, I am working ona allowing myself to be human.

You see what your body just did.

Jessica (01:01:55):
No, I wasn't looking at my body.

You relaxed literally.
After saying that, you took adeep breath in shoulders raised,
relaxed, and then you justdecided to keep going.
That's what I'm talking abouthere.
It doesn't have to be hard andyou can keep going if you want
to but I just wanted to pointthat out.

Jessica (01:02:11):
I'll do one more.
Even though I feel icky andresistant to you being right, I
am working on sharing myvulnerability and outing my
shadow.

It's beautiful and honest.

Jessica (01:02:36):
Yeah, yeah, thank you, you're welcome.
I wasn't expecting this, butthat was really meaningful.
Thank you, that's the pointright.

And just again , because I'm the perpetual
reframer, why was thatmeaningful?

Jessica (01:02:52):
One.
I found that very generous foryou to not only take the time
and share your tools and yourresources with me and publicly.
So I think that's very generousof you.
It's meaningful because I thinkboth of you are being very
generous and creating a safecontainer for me to process

(01:03:13):
something that's really deep andI feel, both seen in a way
that's really beautiful, butalso seen in a way that's
uncomfortable, and I thinkthat's meaningful.
Actually, I think I actuallyhow do I word this?
We were speaking earlier toprojection right, and people

(01:03:33):
around me have witnessed whatI've experienced over the last
few years and really just wantme to feel better and they're
coming at it from a reallyloving place but projecting
their solutions onto thesituation.
And to have someone coming inand you're very objective,
you've never met me before.
You also were able to pinpointthe situation in a way that was

(01:03:56):
a little fury.
But to have that kind of but itresonates in a kind of deeper
way, I think, because it doesn'tfeel personal, I guess Does
that make sense?

Yeah, I would also say, because you said
something a lot of my clientssay, which I love, is we'll
finish the session and I alwaysask my clients what did you find
the most valuable today and howcan you integrate that?
Because it's great feedback forme and it's great for them to
just even think about andprocess in real time what we
went over.
And then I say questions,comments concerns my favorite

(01:04:32):
thing and all of my clients willsay I just feel like you really
understand me and I've neverfelt so seen, which is nice to
hear.
But I respond, obviously, thankyou, but you can't be seen if
you don't allow yourself to showup.
And you showed up today.
And you showed up today.

(01:04:52):
And that's the truth.
Right, you shared.
You shared something that haddeeper context that I wasn't
aware of, because I do what I do, I pay attention to shifts in
people's voices, changes intheir physiology, right, just, I
can tell there's somethingdeeper.
You still shared that.
Even if you didn't, I wouldknow that there was Right, but

(01:05:14):
you decided to share and youdecided to show up, and that's
what makes things meaningful,like we were all here sharing a
moment together, a very, veryintimate moment, and your
listeners are getting to sharethat.
That's meaningful becauseyou're literally living your
life.
We're all plugged into thisconversation.
We're not on our phones, we'renot distracted, we're here.

(01:05:35):
That's what makes thingsmeaningful, even if it's
uncomfortable.
You have to allow yourself tobe here.
You have to allow your problemsto be here.
You have to approach them withcompassionate curiosity, cause
we can get through this and wecould be gentle with ourselves.
And it can be fun and it can besilly.
Everything doesn't have to behard and painful all the time.
That comes with avoidance,because things get bigger and

(01:05:56):
bigger.
But if we can use somethingsilly like Mickey Mouse and Butt
to really uncover something anddisassemble it and use leading
statements to make ourselvesfeel good and acknowledge what
we're doing and also giveourselves some motivation,
there's nothing that we can'twork through right.

Melissa Bauknight (01:06:12):
Yeah.

But you showed up.

Melissa Bauknight (01:06:14):
And I want to say that I think you so often
are the one helping everyoneelse see themselves.
So it was really beautiful towitness you getting to receive
Because even earlier today whenwe had a conversation, that was
the biggest feedback was youhelped me feel so seen and
that's your gift that you giveeverybody else.
So it was really beautiful tobe a witness of you getting to

(01:06:36):
see that and having him guideyou through that.

Jessica (01:06:39):
Thank you.
I'd love to add one moredimension of meaning for me and
it's the reason that I invitedyou here is I've been listening
to you be so vulnerable and sotransparent in your process and
your journey and how.
Your journey to coming intoyour empowerment has been

(01:07:02):
inspiring and expansive for me,and I've learned so much because
of that, because you werewilling to be that honest, and
so I feel like this is anopportunity in my way to pay
that forward.

Love that.
I love that.
Thank you that.
I mean, that's really what itboils down to.
It feels really scary, butthat's never gonna be that scary
again, and every time youapproach it it's gonna get a
little easier until it doesn'texist anymore.
And then when you try to showup in that new way, that's gonna
feel a little scary, but onceyou do it it's not gonna be as
scary.
It goes both ways right.

(01:07:37):
We're just here and we may aswell be ourselves, All of this
stuff that we're afraid of.
If I get rejected by people whodon't wanna know me, as I am
good, those aren't the people Ineed to have in my life.
It's okay.
We can't find our people, wecan't find our aligned group,
our aligned community, If wedon't even allow ourselves to be

(01:07:59):
aligned with ourselves, if wecan't be truthful with ourselves
, if we can't share life willshow you who's for you and who
isn't.
It's not your job to figure outhow to be who you need to be for
everybody.
We need polarity.
We need differences of opinion.
That helps growth right.
That helps keep thingsinteresting.
There's no reason for any of usto hide.

Jessica (01:08:18):
There's no reason for any of us to hide.
I think that is the perfectnote to wrap up on.
Thank you so much, thank you.

Thank you, it was such a pleasure.

Jessica (01:08:27):
You're incredibly generous with your time and your
wisdom and I know that ourlisteners are going to get so
much out of this.
I always get so much out oflistening to you, thank you.
I know that you have someprograms or a subscription
program coming out.
Is there anything that you'dlike to share as we wrap out?

I mean not really.
I'm not such a sales pitchyperson the subscription model
will be coming out.
It's incredible Like nothingthat's out there right now If
you're really looking forpersonal understanding.
That's what it's focused on.
There are two workshops thatare out and you can link to them
if you want to, if people areinterested, just to really be
plugged into your life.
As it is right now, my realgoal with people and working

(01:09:08):
with them and workshops and thesubscription model is to really
have people allow themselves tobe in their lives right now.
Because, this is your life.
It's happening right now.
It's not your past, it's notyour future.
It's this exact moment, andthere's so much power that you
have within this moment.

(01:09:28):
There's so much choice that youhave within this moment, but we
have to be here in order to tapinto that stuff.
So I hope this inspired somepeople today to maybe pull the
reins in and focus on what'simmediately around them instead
of constantly looking for somefuture situation that's gonna
make things better.
You can do that now, even inthe smallest ways.

Jessica (01:09:52):
Thank you so much.

You're welcome .
Thank you, guys.

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