July 3, 2025 • 29 mins
The season 1 finale didn’t go as planned — because life didn’t go as planned.
In this deeply personal episode, I share what happened when an unexpected and serious illness forced me to stop, surrender control, and put my own coaching and mindfulness practices to the test.
I open up about my three months of struggle, the weeks in the hospital, the wake-up calls about health and priorities, and the lessons I’m taking forward — about presence, compassion, letting go, and the power of asking for help.
If you’ve ever faced a setback that left you feeling powerless, or needed a reminder to care for yourself the way you care for others, this episode is for you.
Thank you for being part of Season 1. Your listening, your support, and your presence have meant the world. I can’t wait to continue the journey with you in Season 2.
💬 Let’s stay connected: www.integrityandjoy.com
📱 Instagram & TikTok: @integrityandjoy
Themes: impermanence/everything is temporary; surrendering; priorities; healthcare; mindfulness; meditation
Please rate and review this episode and let us know what topics or questions you'd like us to address in future episodes.
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Visit us at: www.integrityandjoy.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve Walker (00:05):
Welcome to Integrity and Joy.
I'm Steve Walker.
This is episode 20 of Integrityand Joy, the season finale.
Even coaches get sick.
Lessons in resilience and rest.
So welcome to Integrity andJoy.
I am Steve Walker, former U.S.
(00:26):
diplomat, activist, educator,and now life coach, meditation
teacher, and podcaster.
Welcome.
This is episode 20, A Long Timein the Making.
And I'll tell you more aboutthat in a minute.
If you're new to the podcast,thanks for tuning in.
If you have been listening allalong, thank you, thank you,
thank you.
(00:47):
In all cases, I hope you'refollowing the podcast.
If not, please do so today.
and leave a rating and review.
We'd love to get as manyfive-star ratings as possible.
It gets the podcast in front ofmore people and it will take
you, I don't know, two secondsto do it.
So please, please, please do itbefore you leave today.
So this is a long time in themaking.
(01:08):
If you've been watching orlistening for a while, this is
actually the first time thatwe're intentionally recording
video.
So we're figuring out if wewant to do it for the second
season.
But anyways, if you've beenlistening all along or for a
while, you'll know that everyweek, Tuesday morning early, a
(01:31):
new episode will come out.
And the first 19 went just likethat.
So easy.
And I was really lookingforward to episode 20 because it
was going to be the last one ofseason one.
So I was kind of excited aboutthat.
And There's data that says thatmost people don't make it to
episode 20, that most podcastersquit before then.
(01:53):
So I was like, well, then Idon't think I'll have any
problem making it to 20.
Well, I had no problem makingit to 19.
And then the universe hit thepause button on my life.
I got very sick.
I spent a couple of weeks inthe hospital, but I've been
(02:14):
battling something for two and ahalf months at least, almost
three months, almost threemonths.
And it's been a heck of a wakeup call and a lot of life
lessons that have either beenlearned or relearned or affirmed
over the last couple of months.
(02:36):
And I thought I would sharethat with you.
I thought that today, I wouldshare what's been happening and
my reflections on it because Ithink it could help somebody.
It could resonate withsomebody.
And I think it's about a lot ofthe stuff that we talk about in
terms of how to live a goodlife and how to deal with
adversity and how to be fullypresent and control what you can
(03:01):
control and let go of the rest.
So that's what I'm going totalk about today.
And Um, you know, in advance,if anything resonates with you,
I hope you'll reach out and havea conversation, you know, maybe
about how one-to-one coachingcould maybe help you, um, uh,
(03:24):
you know, or an integrity circleor, um, at least make sure
you're following me on socialmedia and integrity and joy.
But, um, But ideally, ifsomething resonates in this or
any episode and you'd like totalk about how life coaching
might be of help to you, go tointegrityandjoy.com and you'll
get more information.
(03:44):
The first call is always free,so there's no risk to it.
Anyway, so early mid-April,feeling good.
Spring's here.
Looking forward to the summer.
Went to a concert.
Got home and as I started toget out of the car, I couldn't
(04:05):
move because I had thisexcruciatingly sharp pain in my
upper middle back, you know,right between the shoulder
blades just off of the spine.
And it took me by surprise.
It took my breath away.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
And I did nothing to cause it,I thought.
(04:27):
And Eventually I made it insideand couldn't really sleep that
night.
Didn't really eat the next day.
Really, really, really just ina lot of pain, very
uncomfortable.
And it was a Saturday.
So my primary care wasn'tavailable, obviously.
So I went to the ER thatevening and the ER was packed.
(04:50):
Not enough space as per usual.
So I'm on a gurney in thehallway, which doesn't feel
good, but is what it is.
And and but the staff, youknow, was really busy and
overworked, but reallywonderful.
A couple of doctors, a coupleof nurses were really, you know,
not just caring and attentiveand, you know, really
(05:12):
intelligent, but compassionate,like really caring and
compassionate.
It really kind of struck me.
just how much so.
And they did tests.
They did a CAT scan and anX-ray looking for
life-threatening things likeblood clots and aneurysms.
And fortunately, that all cameback negative.
(05:33):
And then they said, well, atthe end of the night, they're
like, well, it's probablymuscular.
So here's some painkillerand...
muscle relaxant for a couple ofdays and go see your primary
care physician, you know, in twoor three days.
Okay.
Rest of the weekend, more ofthe same, you know, the, you
(05:55):
know, the, the medication, youknow, took the edge off a little
bit at times, but I was stillpretty miserable and no
appetite.
And within three or four days Ihad lost seven pounds, you
know, so that's a lot in a shortamount of time.
And, um, Couldn't see myprimary care physician because,
as most of you know, we have ashortage of primary care
(06:16):
physicians, not only in thisarea, which is incredible,
right?
I'm in the Boston area.
I'm looking at the city rightnow.
That's how close I am.
And so you get all thesemedical schools, all these
tremendous, you know,facilities, hospitals that are
not enough.
It took me, when I moved heretwo years ago, it took me...
It took me almost a year to geta primary care physician
(06:41):
because they were all booked upand had waiting lists.
So I couldn't see my primarycare, but someone else in the
practice was available.
So I saw them.
They ordered a couple moretests to rule out other serious
stuff and then prescribedphysical therapy.
So I started going to physicaltherapy.
(07:01):
I went a few times.
I know in the moment it mighthave helped us a little bit, but
quickly wore off and it really,really didn't help.
And so I then, you know,started to feel worse and
started to have some othersymptoms.
And I called up the primarycare physician's office again
(07:23):
and said, you know, hey, I'vegot a follow up visit in a
couple of weeks, but I reallyneed to see somebody now.
I feel pretty miserable.
And they're like, well, wecould move you up a week, but
nothing before then.
And I said, well, but this isreally bad.
And they said, well, then go tothe ER.
And I thought, well, that seemslike an unsatisfactory answer,
but it is what it is.
(07:43):
So it was a Friday late in theday, and I went to the ER.
And again, on a gurney in thehallway, But fortunately, I was
assigned to a physician'sassistant who said, look, you
know, you were here three weeksago with this back pain and
you've got a couple other thingsgoing on now, but like no one's
(08:06):
been able to figure out what'sgoing on with your back pain.
Like, we're going to figurethis out tonight.
I thought, oh, thank goodnesssomebody's finally going to give
me the right help.
And so she wanted to order anMRI of my whole spine, which I
was very happy about.
And then her boss came by like15, 20 minutes later and said,
no, we're not going to do thatbecause if they found something
(08:28):
like a herniated disc orsomething, that's a tough part
of the spine to get tosurgically.
So they're probably not goingto operate.
So what's the point?
Well, I think the physician'sassistant went back to him and
said, you know, hey, this guyneeds some answers and an MRI
might help.
show something and, and, youknow, it's up to the
neurosurgeons to decide whetherto operate or not, but, but it
(08:49):
might show something else otherthan a disc and let's get this
done.
So he came back into hiscredit.
He said, okay, sure.
Change your mind.
I'm persuaded.
Let's do it.
So they did an MRI that showedsomething was going on.
They did a couple of followupMRIs to get a better look at two
different parts of my spineand, um, and admitted me to the
(09:09):
hospital.
And, uh, in the morning, firstthing in the morning, seven
o'clock in the morning, aneurosurgeon comes by with,
with, uh, you know, with my MRIand says, you know, you have an
infection in your spinal cordand on your spine, and you have
an abscess next to your spinalcord that's infected.
(09:33):
Like what?
That's a thing.
You can get a infection in yourspinal cord and in your spine
like I he's like yeah I said ohmy god how does that happen he
said well who knows he saidcould have been just a cut or a
bug bite or something like thatthat you didn't notice that got
infected and you know theorganism gets in the bacteria
gets in and ends up deciding tocamp out in your spine um it was
(09:58):
also my blood which was veryworrisome because of sepsis and
and uh you know can spread toother organs and other parts of
your body and um But I felt, youknow, I felt remarkably good
considering the pain andconsidering some of the other
symptoms.
And the neurosurgeon even saidsomething about it.
You're like, wow.
He says, you know, this is alittle bizarre.
(10:18):
He said, people with this MRIlooking this bad don't look like
you do.
Like, you look pretty good.
He said, you know, it's atestament to how well you've
been taking care of yourself, Iguess.
Though within 36 hours, I wasin pretty bad shape.
I...
It was even hallucinating a bitand ended up sleeping for about
(10:42):
48 hours.
And just my body was using allits energy.
That's why I'd lost so muchweight.
By this point, I'd lost 25pounds in three weeks.
And when I woke up, I felt likea 96-year-old man.
I had no energy.
(11:02):
I had to lie down if I...
did the simplest thing.
I couldn't walk more than aroom or two away.
And my body just neededeverything it could to fight
this thing.
And so they put me on reallystrong antibiotics.
And the first week, they wereable to get the infection out of
(11:27):
my blood, which was a relief.
And then this, you know, by theend of the second week, they
were I was in good enough shapethat they could switch me to an
antibiotic that I couldadminister from home with a PICC
line.
So they put a they put acatheter basically in through my
arm all the way to my heart.
And then, you know, I couldwith like an IV port at the end
(11:50):
of it and I could inject myself.
several times a day withantibiotics, still very strong
antibiotics.
And that meant that they couldsend me home after two weeks,
which was a relief.
But it was really, you know, itwas, I think looking back, I
was not quite as aware of howserious it was.
(12:10):
The infectious disease doctorlast week said to me four times,
we were really worried aboutyou when you were in the
hospital.
Um, so I was very sick, Iguess.
Um, and which I kind of knew,but didn't, I don't think fully
appreciate it.
And partly also, I, we, youknow, so this is where some of
(12:30):
the life lessons come in.
First of all, like, obviously,like, I always preach,
everything's temporary.
You never know what's going tohappen tomorrow.
Well, in this case, yeah, mylife went on hold for a
everything's temporary and theuniverse, you know, threw me a
curve ball and I had no controlover that.
Right.
(12:50):
Uh, so I had to accept that.
I had to accept that everythingis temporary.
And right now this is what's infront of me, but also hopefully
that with good healthcare, andI'm fortunate enough to live
near a good hospital, a lot ofgood hospitals actually, and to
have good insurance.
Even then it's expensive, but Ican handle that.
(13:11):
So I'm fortunate, like manypeople aren't.
And unfortunately, it lookslike even fewer people are going
to have access to any kind ofaffordable healthcare in the
very you know, near futurebecause of this bill that
currently is being voted on inthe House this week.
But, so I'm fortunate, but atthe same time, like, you know,
(13:38):
very much aware of like, okay,Everything's temporary, but
hopefully this illness istemporary.
All I need to do right now isfocus on this moment and getting
healthy and doing whatever Ineed to do to help my body heal
itself and to work with thesewonderful professionals.
And, you know, virtually everydoctor and nurse, every person
in the MRI unit, they werewonderful.
(14:01):
I mean, just really caring, youknow, generous souls.
So I'm very appreciative tothem.
But it also forced me to, Ithink, focus on something else I
preach a lot about, like reallyshrinking our circle of
concern, the stuff that we worryabout and think about and want
(14:22):
to control or influence, butreally a lot of it we don't, and
then grow the circle ofcontrol, the stuff that we
actually can control andinfluence.
And in this case...
Most stuff I had to let go ofand surrender.
And interestingly enough,surrender was like my word of
the winter.
I was really focusing andmeditating a lot on that and
(14:44):
surrendering what I couldn'tcontrol.
And this was a moment where Ihad to do that, where I had to
really focus on what I cancontrol very little, getting
rest, sleeping, drinking enoughfluids, working well with the
hospital staff.
That was about it.
And so that was huge.
(15:05):
That was a big thing.
And I adapted to it prettyquickly because for a lot of my
life, I've had a pretty goodmindfulness practice,
meditation.
I'm a life coach and have beendoing this kind of work for a
long time.
And so...
it's ingrained to some extent.
It's also that I'm really goodin a crisis.
(15:25):
If you're having a crisis, I'mthe person you want in the
foxhole with you.
I'm the life coach you want tohelp you navigate the difficult
times in life because I had alot of difficult times and
crises growing up and as anadult early on, you know, some
life or death situations in acouple of cases and learned not
(15:47):
to panic, to be present, to bemindful, control what I can
control, let go of the rest,just take one step in front of
the other, baby steps in thedirection you need to go.
That's it.
And so I'm really good in thosesituations.
And so it all kind of clickedtogether pretty quickly.
Um, not that I didn't have mymoments of like, you know,
worrying, you know, about, aboutthe infection spreading or, um,
(16:11):
getting even more serious, but,um, but it really was pretty
good about staying in themoment.
And, um, so I'm very gratefulfor my mindfulness practice, my
meditation, uh, and a lot of thework I do with, with clients
because it, it all, you know, Ihad to put it into practice and
it, and it worked pretty well.
So lessons for all of us,right?
(16:33):
In addition, particularlygrowing up and early in my
adulthood, I was not really goodat asking for and receiving
help.
I was brought up, my dad inparticular was a pull yourself
up by your bootstraps and suckit up kind of guy, would send me
to school sick.
And then the school would sendme home because I was throwing
(16:54):
up.
But I've learned throughout myadulthood more and more to be
willing and able to ask for andreceive help.
I still struggle with it attimes for sure.
But this was a great example ofthat where I really had to ask
for and receive a lot of helpconstantly.
(17:15):
And so I'm grateful I was ableto do that.
it was also a great reminder ofjust taking care of and
listening to our bodies ingeneral.
Um, again, like I, I faredbetter probably because of, of
taking pretty good care ofmyself in general.
You know, I have a chocolateproblem, but, uh, generally I
(17:39):
eat pretty well and, you know, Igo to yoga three times a week
and you know, I'm either walkingthree miles or five miles or on
the Peloton every day.
And, um, And so, you know, thathelped me in advance.
And then, you know, really hadto be like hyper focused on, you
know, listening to my body inthe hospital, both in terms of
(18:01):
like being able to report what Iwas actually feeling and
experiencing, as well as youknow, how far I could push
myself a little bit more everyday so that I could build my
strength, get healthier, butalso, you know, respecting my
body's need to heal and to usewhatever energy was available,
you know, and take naps and restand not push myself too hard.
(18:22):
So, Uh, so that was like great.
I mean, in some ways it reallyfocuses you and, um, and it's a
good life lesson that, you know,I'm got a new water bottle.
My daughter nudged me so that Iwould drink more water.
So there we go.
And, um, and that's made adifference.
(18:43):
And, and so, you know, really,you know, important reminders
about listening to our body andand the connection between the
mind body you know connectionyou know the you know I did a
lot of visualization you know,visualizing myself, you know, my
body healing itself.
(19:03):
I don't know whether thathelped physically.
I think it probably did, right?
Because our brain does respondto that stuff.
Visualization isindistinguishable from reality
in terms of our brains.
So it probably did help to someextent, but it certainly helped
in terms of my focus and mymood and, you know, giving me
(19:26):
something to feel like I wascontributing in some way to my
healing.
And then I think also, youknow, having a prolonged crisis
in which I was limited for along time in terms of what I
could do, because even after Igot home, you know, still on the
antibiotics, the IVantibiotics, I'm still on,
(19:46):
excuse me, antibiotics.
I'm, you know, taking oralantibiotics for another five
weeks.
So I'll have had 12 weeks ofantibiotics total.
Which is incredible, right?
I mean, but, you know, we wantto get this under control.
It can still come back within ayear or so, which is sobering.
But obviously we would catch itfaster and it wouldn't get as
(20:10):
bad.
But really, you know, was verylimited when I got home for a
couple of weeks in terms of whatI could do.
So with life on hold like thatfor a while, you know, there's
time to sort of reflect and, youyou know, think about my
priorities and how I spend mytime.
And, you know, am I really, youknow, fulfilling my purpose.
(20:34):
How strong a sense of purposedo I have?
And so it's helped me make someadjustments that I'm still
figuring out in some cases, butin terms of how I spend my time
and how I organize my time andsome of the things with my
business that I was sort ofexploring or tinkering with and
I'm going to let go and reallyfocus on the core parts of my
(20:56):
business, which are one-to-onecoaching, launching integrity
circles, which are these smallof five to eight people who are
committed to each other'spersonal and professional
growth.
Really wonderful.
Especially during this time offeeling more isolated and lonely
for people.
And this podcast, BuildingCommunity.
(21:16):
I mean, helping individuals andbuilding community.
I think that's like what mypurpose is right now.
So if something's directlyrelated to that, great.
And if it's not, forget it.
And I'm trying to, you know,build this sense of community,
you know, for people because weall need it.
And and particularly now in oursociety, we need it.
We need to feel more connectedto each other, caring towards
(21:38):
each other, look out for eachother more, spread more love and
compassion and empathy.
So that's that's what I'mabout.
So I'm going to focus on thatand and try and let go of the
rest of it.
So so, you know.
even in a storm like I wasexperiencing, there's a silver
(21:58):
lining to the dark clouds.
And again, most of our growthand insights into ourselves
comes during and out of crises,right?
Big changes that we didn'tanticipate that kind of make us
uncomfortable or scared orwhatever.
(22:20):
But now all of a sudden we'remore open to change.
We're more open to looking atourselves honestly and
accurately.
And so it's an opportunity aswell.
And so I'm trying to seize theopportunity to reflect and make
adjustments in my life becauseas I learned again, everything
is temporary, including life.
(22:40):
We don't know what's going tohappen tomorrow.
We don't know if we're promisedtomorrow or not.
We're not.
So I'm trying to seize theopportunity So I think it's
important to remind ourselvesthat life is precious and it's
limited and we don't know howlimited it is.
So let's focus on the thingsthat really matter and let's
focus on more love and morecompassion for ourselves and
(23:01):
each other.
And that's what I'm going to beabout.
Even more so than before, eventhough that was my primary focus
before.
But now that's it.
That's my goal.
my litmus test.
So anyway, so that was in someways a blessing.
And again, I think lessonslearned in terms of the
(23:22):
healthcare system, I think it'sa lot of it is like reminders
that there is a bit of scarcity,right?
It's a limited commodity and weneed to figure out how to fix
the primary care physicianproblem.
You know, that scarcity andaccess to it.
We obviously need to fix thewhole health insurance fiasco.
(23:43):
you know, it got a little bitbetter because of Obamacare.
And now we're seeing thatreversed in some ways with
Medicaid being cut to someextent.
And Medicare is going to have afinancial crisis 10 years from
now or so.
So we need to fix this stuff.
We need to make sure thatpeople have access to
(24:04):
healthcare.
It's ludicrous.
Again, there were stillchallenges and expenses in my
situation, and I'm prettyfortunate, right?
It's not like I'm so wealthythat I can afford premium
healthcare all the timeimmediately, but I'm pretty
fortunate for middle class.
And yet still, it doesn't workexactly the way you want it to
(24:28):
work.
And then, you know, hospitalspace and availability.
And I'm lucky, you know, theymight have been overcrowded,
but, you know, and put me inthis like one person room with
another person and they had mostof the room and I had this
little like end of it by thewindow, right, cramped in.
But still, there are peoplemaybe even listening and
(24:49):
watching who, you know, Theydon't have a hospital within a
couple of hours.
Rural areas, that's a realproblem.
And there are more ruralhospitals that might be closing
because of these Medicaid cuts.
So that's a huge problem thatwe need to address, just basic
access to health care.
And then I think one thing thatwas really beneficial to me, to
(25:13):
any of you health careproviders out there, The extent
to which doctors and nurses wereable to be very transparent in
their thinking and help meunderstand what was going on and
what they were doing and whyand have it be a little bit of a
(25:34):
conversation in that casedidn't take a lot of time, but
it meant a lot.
And it helped me focus on whatI needed to focus on in terms of
healing.
So that was tremendous.
And giving them feedback, whatwas working, what was not, how I
was feeling in response tocertain types of treatment.
And I think that was reallyhelpful too.
(25:56):
And being an advocate formyself.
We need ourselves or a relativeor a friend with a healthcare
proxy for us who feels up to itand capable to be an advocate
for us.
But we need to manage our owncare to some extent.
We need to advocate and askgood questions.
And I always ask the experts atthe end, what questions should
(26:17):
I be asking that I didn't ask?
Or what would you ask in thissituation?
And they appreciated that.
So, you know, I think that wasa big lesson.
You're part of a team and youget to participate, not just sit
there and listen and not askquestions or give feedback.
(26:38):
Anyway, so I hope that'shelpful.
I mean, I hope it resonates.
Probably a lot of you wouldresonate with i hope you you
know leave in the comments orthe reviews you know your
experiences or or you knowquestions that it raises for you
or things that were helpful foryou um uh you know for for all
(26:59):
of us and our loved ones they'regoing to be these health care
crises you know health crisesthroughout our lives and um you
know i think we've got to figureout how to how to do better as
a society, but we also need tomake sure we're taking care of
ourselves and taking care of ourloved ones and understanding
how to give ourselves and ourloved ones the best chances to
(27:23):
heal and have healthy, happy,long lives.
loving lives, right?
That's the goal in the end.
So thank you for listening, forbeing here, for letting me
share not just the highs but thelows of what's going on in my
life and the lessons learned.
If this season has helped youor inspired you or made you feel
(27:45):
seen or validated, I'd love foryou to leave a review, share
the show with a friend or aloved one, and drop me a note on
Instagram or, you know, go toour website integrityandjoy.com
and let me know what resonatedwith you and if you have any
suggestions for season twoplease don't hesitate to let us
(28:05):
know and if you'd like toexplore how life coaching or an
integrity circle or ourcommunity on Aura could be of
help to you and your personal orprofessional journey sign up
for a discovery call through ourwebsite and it's free and we
can have a nice conversationabout how I could be of help I
hope you have a great summer andwe We look forward to
(28:27):
continuing the conversationtowards the end of the summer.
In the meantime, have a greatrest of your day.
Bye bye.
Welcome to Integrity and Joy.
I'm Steve Walker.
This is episode 20 of Integrityand Joy, the season finale.
Even coaches get sick.
Lessons in resilience and rest.
So welcome to Integrity andJoy.
I am Steve Walker, former U.S.
(00:26):
diplomat, activist, educator,and now life coach, meditation
teacher, and podcaster.
Welcome.
This is episode 20, A Long Timein the Making.
And I'll tell you more aboutthat in a minute.
If you're new to the podcast,thanks for tuning in.
If you have been listening allalong, thank you, thank you,
thank you.
(00:47):
In all cases, I hope you'refollowing the podcast.
If not, please do so today.
and leave a rating and review.
We'd love to get as manyfive-star ratings as possible.
It gets the podcast in front ofmore people and it will take
you, I don't know, two secondsto do it.
So please, please, please do itbefore you leave today.
So this is a long time in themaking.
(01:08):
If you've been watching orlistening for a while, this is
actually the first time thatwe're intentionally recording
video.
So we're figuring out if wewant to do it for the second
season.
But anyways, if you've beenlistening all along or for a
while, you'll know that everyweek, Tuesday morning early, a
(01:31):
new episode will come out.
And the first 19 went just likethat.
So easy.
And I was really lookingforward to episode 20 because it
was going to be the last one ofseason one.
So I was kind of excited aboutthat.
And There's data that says thatmost people don't make it to
episode 20, that most podcastersquit before then.
(01:53):
So I was like, well, then Idon't think I'll have any
problem making it to 20.
Well, I had no problem makingit to 19.
And then the universe hit thepause button on my life.
I got very sick.
I spent a couple of weeks inthe hospital, but I've been
(02:14):
battling something for two and ahalf months at least, almost
three months, almost threemonths.
And it's been a heck of a wakeup call and a lot of life
lessons that have either beenlearned or relearned or affirmed
over the last couple of months.
(02:36):
And I thought I would sharethat with you.
I thought that today, I wouldshare what's been happening and
my reflections on it because Ithink it could help somebody.
It could resonate withsomebody.
And I think it's about a lot ofthe stuff that we talk about in
terms of how to live a goodlife and how to deal with
adversity and how to be fullypresent and control what you can
(03:01):
control and let go of the rest.
So that's what I'm going totalk about today.
And Um, you know, in advance,if anything resonates with you,
I hope you'll reach out and havea conversation, you know, maybe
about how one-to-one coachingcould maybe help you, um, uh,
(03:24):
you know, or an integrity circleor, um, at least make sure
you're following me on socialmedia and integrity and joy.
But, um, But ideally, ifsomething resonates in this or
any episode and you'd like totalk about how life coaching
might be of help to you, go tointegrityandjoy.com and you'll
get more information.
(03:44):
The first call is always free,so there's no risk to it.
Anyway, so early mid-April,feeling good.
Spring's here.
Looking forward to the summer.
Went to a concert.
Got home and as I started toget out of the car, I couldn't
(04:05):
move because I had thisexcruciatingly sharp pain in my
upper middle back, you know,right between the shoulder
blades just off of the spine.
And it took me by surprise.
It took my breath away.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
And I did nothing to cause it,I thought.
(04:27):
And Eventually I made it insideand couldn't really sleep that
night.
Didn't really eat the next day.
Really, really, really just ina lot of pain, very
uncomfortable.
And it was a Saturday.
So my primary care wasn'tavailable, obviously.
So I went to the ER thatevening and the ER was packed.
(04:50):
Not enough space as per usual.
So I'm on a gurney in thehallway, which doesn't feel
good, but is what it is.
And and but the staff, youknow, was really busy and
overworked, but reallywonderful.
A couple of doctors, a coupleof nurses were really, you know,
not just caring and attentiveand, you know, really
(05:12):
intelligent, but compassionate,like really caring and
compassionate.
It really kind of struck me.
just how much so.
And they did tests.
They did a CAT scan and anX-ray looking for
life-threatening things likeblood clots and aneurysms.
And fortunately, that all cameback negative.
(05:33):
And then they said, well, atthe end of the night, they're
like, well, it's probablymuscular.
So here's some painkillerand...
muscle relaxant for a couple ofdays and go see your primary
care physician, you know, in twoor three days.
Okay.
Rest of the weekend, more ofthe same, you know, the, you
(05:55):
know, the, the medication, youknow, took the edge off a little
bit at times, but I was stillpretty miserable and no
appetite.
And within three or four days Ihad lost seven pounds, you
know, so that's a lot in a shortamount of time.
And, um, Couldn't see myprimary care physician because,
as most of you know, we have ashortage of primary care
(06:16):
physicians, not only in thisarea, which is incredible,
right?
I'm in the Boston area.
I'm looking at the city rightnow.
That's how close I am.
And so you get all thesemedical schools, all these
tremendous, you know,facilities, hospitals that are
not enough.
It took me, when I moved heretwo years ago, it took me...
It took me almost a year to geta primary care physician
(06:41):
because they were all booked upand had waiting lists.
So I couldn't see my primarycare, but someone else in the
practice was available.
So I saw them.
They ordered a couple moretests to rule out other serious
stuff and then prescribedphysical therapy.
So I started going to physicaltherapy.
(07:01):
I went a few times.
I know in the moment it mighthave helped us a little bit, but
quickly wore off and it really,really didn't help.
And so I then, you know,started to feel worse and
started to have some othersymptoms.
And I called up the primarycare physician's office again
(07:23):
and said, you know, hey, I'vegot a follow up visit in a
couple of weeks, but I reallyneed to see somebody now.
I feel pretty miserable.
And they're like, well, wecould move you up a week, but
nothing before then.
And I said, well, but this isreally bad.
And they said, well, then go tothe ER.
And I thought, well, that seemslike an unsatisfactory answer,
but it is what it is.
(07:43):
So it was a Friday late in theday, and I went to the ER.
And again, on a gurney in thehallway, But fortunately, I was
assigned to a physician'sassistant who said, look, you
know, you were here three weeksago with this back pain and
you've got a couple other thingsgoing on now, but like no one's
(08:06):
been able to figure out what'sgoing on with your back pain.
Like, we're going to figurethis out tonight.
I thought, oh, thank goodnesssomebody's finally going to give
me the right help.
And so she wanted to order anMRI of my whole spine, which I
was very happy about.
And then her boss came by like15, 20 minutes later and said,
no, we're not going to do thatbecause if they found something
(08:28):
like a herniated disc orsomething, that's a tough part
of the spine to get tosurgically.
So they're probably not goingto operate.
So what's the point?
Well, I think the physician'sassistant went back to him and
said, you know, hey, this guyneeds some answers and an MRI
might help.
show something and, and, youknow, it's up to the
neurosurgeons to decide whetherto operate or not, but, but it
(08:49):
might show something else otherthan a disc and let's get this
done.
So he came back into hiscredit.
He said, okay, sure.
Change your mind.
I'm persuaded.
Let's do it.
So they did an MRI that showedsomething was going on.
They did a couple of followupMRIs to get a better look at two
different parts of my spineand, um, and admitted me to the
(09:09):
hospital.
And, uh, in the morning, firstthing in the morning, seven
o'clock in the morning, aneurosurgeon comes by with,
with, uh, you know, with my MRIand says, you know, you have an
infection in your spinal cordand on your spine, and you have
an abscess next to your spinalcord that's infected.
(09:33):
Like what?
That's a thing.
You can get a infection in yourspinal cord and in your spine
like I he's like yeah I said ohmy god how does that happen he
said well who knows he saidcould have been just a cut or a
bug bite or something like thatthat you didn't notice that got
infected and you know theorganism gets in the bacteria
gets in and ends up deciding tocamp out in your spine um it was
(09:58):
also my blood which was veryworrisome because of sepsis and
and uh you know can spread toother organs and other parts of
your body and um But I felt, youknow, I felt remarkably good
considering the pain andconsidering some of the other
symptoms.
And the neurosurgeon even saidsomething about it.
You're like, wow.
He says, you know, this is alittle bizarre.
(10:18):
He said, people with this MRIlooking this bad don't look like
you do.
Like, you look pretty good.
He said, you know, it's atestament to how well you've
been taking care of yourself, Iguess.
Though within 36 hours, I wasin pretty bad shape.
I...
It was even hallucinating a bitand ended up sleeping for about
(10:42):
48 hours.
And just my body was using allits energy.
That's why I'd lost so muchweight.
By this point, I'd lost 25pounds in three weeks.
And when I woke up, I felt likea 96-year-old man.
I had no energy.
(11:02):
I had to lie down if I...
did the simplest thing.
I couldn't walk more than aroom or two away.
And my body just neededeverything it could to fight
this thing.
And so they put me on reallystrong antibiotics.
And the first week, they wereable to get the infection out of
(11:27):
my blood, which was a relief.
And then this, you know, by theend of the second week, they
were I was in good enough shapethat they could switch me to an
antibiotic that I couldadminister from home with a PICC
line.
So they put a they put acatheter basically in through my
arm all the way to my heart.
And then, you know, I couldwith like an IV port at the end
(11:50):
of it and I could inject myself.
several times a day withantibiotics, still very strong
antibiotics.
And that meant that they couldsend me home after two weeks,
which was a relief.
But it was really, you know, itwas, I think looking back, I
was not quite as aware of howserious it was.
(12:10):
The infectious disease doctorlast week said to me four times,
we were really worried aboutyou when you were in the
hospital.
Um, so I was very sick, Iguess.
Um, and which I kind of knew,but didn't, I don't think fully
appreciate it.
And partly also, I, we, youknow, so this is where some of
(12:30):
the life lessons come in.
First of all, like, obviously,like, I always preach,
everything's temporary.
You never know what's going tohappen tomorrow.
Well, in this case, yeah, mylife went on hold for a
everything's temporary and theuniverse, you know, threw me a
curve ball and I had no controlover that.
Right.
(12:50):
Uh, so I had to accept that.
I had to accept that everythingis temporary.
And right now this is what's infront of me, but also hopefully
that with good healthcare, andI'm fortunate enough to live
near a good hospital, a lot ofgood hospitals actually, and to
have good insurance.
Even then it's expensive, but Ican handle that.
(13:11):
So I'm fortunate, like manypeople aren't.
And unfortunately, it lookslike even fewer people are going
to have access to any kind ofaffordable healthcare in the
very you know, near futurebecause of this bill that
currently is being voted on inthe House this week.
But, so I'm fortunate, but atthe same time, like, you know,
(13:38):
very much aware of like, okay,Everything's temporary, but
hopefully this illness istemporary.
All I need to do right now isfocus on this moment and getting
healthy and doing whatever Ineed to do to help my body heal
itself and to work with thesewonderful professionals.
And, you know, virtually everydoctor and nurse, every person
in the MRI unit, they werewonderful.
(14:01):
I mean, just really caring, youknow, generous souls.
So I'm very appreciative tothem.
But it also forced me to, Ithink, focus on something else I
preach a lot about, like reallyshrinking our circle of
concern, the stuff that we worryabout and think about and want
(14:22):
to control or influence, butreally a lot of it we don't, and
then grow the circle ofcontrol, the stuff that we
actually can control andinfluence.
And in this case...
Most stuff I had to let go ofand surrender.
And interestingly enough,surrender was like my word of
the winter.
I was really focusing andmeditating a lot on that and
(14:44):
surrendering what I couldn'tcontrol.
And this was a moment where Ihad to do that, where I had to
really focus on what I cancontrol very little, getting
rest, sleeping, drinking enoughfluids, working well with the
hospital staff.
That was about it.
And so that was huge.
(15:05):
That was a big thing.
And I adapted to it prettyquickly because for a lot of my
life, I've had a pretty goodmindfulness practice,
meditation.
I'm a life coach and have beendoing this kind of work for a
long time.
And so...
it's ingrained to some extent.
It's also that I'm really goodin a crisis.
(15:25):
If you're having a crisis, I'mthe person you want in the
foxhole with you.
I'm the life coach you want tohelp you navigate the difficult
times in life because I had alot of difficult times and
crises growing up and as anadult early on, you know, some
life or death situations in acouple of cases and learned not
(15:47):
to panic, to be present, to bemindful, control what I can
control, let go of the rest,just take one step in front of
the other, baby steps in thedirection you need to go.
That's it.
And so I'm really good in thosesituations.
And so it all kind of clickedtogether pretty quickly.
Um, not that I didn't have mymoments of like, you know,
worrying, you know, about, aboutthe infection spreading or, um,
(16:11):
getting even more serious, but,um, but it really was pretty
good about staying in themoment.
And, um, so I'm very gratefulfor my mindfulness practice, my
meditation, uh, and a lot of thework I do with, with clients
because it, it all, you know, Ihad to put it into practice and
it, and it worked pretty well.
So lessons for all of us,right?
(16:33):
In addition, particularlygrowing up and early in my
adulthood, I was not really goodat asking for and receiving
help.
I was brought up, my dad inparticular was a pull yourself
up by your bootstraps and suckit up kind of guy, would send me
to school sick.
And then the school would sendme home because I was throwing
(16:54):
up.
But I've learned throughout myadulthood more and more to be
willing and able to ask for andreceive help.
I still struggle with it attimes for sure.
But this was a great example ofthat where I really had to ask
for and receive a lot of helpconstantly.
(17:15):
And so I'm grateful I was ableto do that.
it was also a great reminder ofjust taking care of and
listening to our bodies ingeneral.
Um, again, like I, I faredbetter probably because of, of
taking pretty good care ofmyself in general.
You know, I have a chocolateproblem, but, uh, generally I
(17:39):
eat pretty well and, you know, Igo to yoga three times a week
and you know, I'm either walkingthree miles or five miles or on
the Peloton every day.
And, um, And so, you know, thathelped me in advance.
And then, you know, really hadto be like hyper focused on, you
know, listening to my body inthe hospital, both in terms of
(18:01):
like being able to report what Iwas actually feeling and
experiencing, as well as youknow, how far I could push
myself a little bit more everyday so that I could build my
strength, get healthier, butalso, you know, respecting my
body's need to heal and to usewhatever energy was available,
you know, and take naps and restand not push myself too hard.
(18:22):
So, Uh, so that was like great.
I mean, in some ways it reallyfocuses you and, um, and it's a
good life lesson that, you know,I'm got a new water bottle.
My daughter nudged me so that Iwould drink more water.
So there we go.
And, um, and that's made adifference.
(18:43):
And, and so, you know, really,you know, important reminders
about listening to our body andand the connection between the
mind body you know connectionyou know the you know I did a
lot of visualization you know,visualizing myself, you know, my
body healing itself.
(19:03):
I don't know whether thathelped physically.
I think it probably did, right?
Because our brain does respondto that stuff.
Visualization isindistinguishable from reality
in terms of our brains.
So it probably did help to someextent, but it certainly helped
in terms of my focus and mymood and, you know, giving me
(19:26):
something to feel like I wascontributing in some way to my
healing.
And then I think also, youknow, having a prolonged crisis
in which I was limited for along time in terms of what I
could do, because even after Igot home, you know, still on the
antibiotics, the IVantibiotics, I'm still on,
(19:46):
excuse me, antibiotics.
I'm, you know, taking oralantibiotics for another five
weeks.
So I'll have had 12 weeks ofantibiotics total.
Which is incredible, right?
I mean, but, you know, we wantto get this under control.
It can still come back within ayear or so, which is sobering.
But obviously we would catch itfaster and it wouldn't get as
(20:10):
bad.
But really, you know, was verylimited when I got home for a
couple of weeks in terms of whatI could do.
So with life on hold like thatfor a while, you know, there's
time to sort of reflect and, youyou know, think about my
priorities and how I spend mytime.
And, you know, am I really, youknow, fulfilling my purpose.
(20:34):
How strong a sense of purposedo I have?
And so it's helped me make someadjustments that I'm still
figuring out in some cases, butin terms of how I spend my time
and how I organize my time andsome of the things with my
business that I was sort ofexploring or tinkering with and
I'm going to let go and reallyfocus on the core parts of my
(20:56):
business, which are one-to-onecoaching, launching integrity
circles, which are these smallof five to eight people who are
committed to each other'spersonal and professional
growth.
Really wonderful.
Especially during this time offeeling more isolated and lonely
for people.
And this podcast, BuildingCommunity.
(21:16):
I mean, helping individuals andbuilding community.
I think that's like what mypurpose is right now.
So if something's directlyrelated to that, great.
And if it's not, forget it.
And I'm trying to, you know,build this sense of community,
you know, for people because weall need it.
And and particularly now in oursociety, we need it.
We need to feel more connectedto each other, caring towards
(21:38):
each other, look out for eachother more, spread more love and
compassion and empathy.
So that's that's what I'mabout.
So I'm going to focus on thatand and try and let go of the
rest of it.
So so, you know.
even in a storm like I wasexperiencing, there's a silver
(21:58):
lining to the dark clouds.
And again, most of our growthand insights into ourselves
comes during and out of crises,right?
Big changes that we didn'tanticipate that kind of make us
uncomfortable or scared orwhatever.
(22:20):
But now all of a sudden we'remore open to change.
We're more open to looking atourselves honestly and
accurately.
And so it's an opportunity aswell.
And so I'm trying to seize theopportunity to reflect and make
adjustments in my life becauseas I learned again, everything
is temporary, including life.
(22:40):
We don't know what's going tohappen tomorrow.
We don't know if we're promisedtomorrow or not.
We're not.
So I'm trying to seize theopportunity So I think it's
important to remind ourselvesthat life is precious and it's
limited and we don't know howlimited it is.
So let's focus on the thingsthat really matter and let's
focus on more love and morecompassion for ourselves and
(23:01):
each other.
And that's what I'm going to beabout.
Even more so than before, eventhough that was my primary focus
before.
But now that's it.
That's my goal.
my litmus test.
So anyway, so that was in someways a blessing.
And again, I think lessonslearned in terms of the
(23:22):
healthcare system, I think it'sa lot of it is like reminders
that there is a bit of scarcity,right?
It's a limited commodity and weneed to figure out how to fix
the primary care physicianproblem.
You know, that scarcity andaccess to it.
We obviously need to fix thewhole health insurance fiasco.
(23:43):
you know, it got a little bitbetter because of Obamacare.
And now we're seeing thatreversed in some ways with
Medicaid being cut to someextent.
And Medicare is going to have afinancial crisis 10 years from
now or so.
So we need to fix this stuff.
We need to make sure thatpeople have access to
(24:04):
healthcare.
It's ludicrous.
Again, there were stillchallenges and expenses in my
situation, and I'm prettyfortunate, right?
It's not like I'm so wealthythat I can afford premium
healthcare all the timeimmediately, but I'm pretty
fortunate for middle class.
And yet still, it doesn't workexactly the way you want it to
(24:28):
work.
And then, you know, hospitalspace and availability.
And I'm lucky, you know, theymight have been overcrowded,
but, you know, and put me inthis like one person room with
another person and they had mostof the room and I had this
little like end of it by thewindow, right, cramped in.
But still, there are peoplemaybe even listening and
(24:49):
watching who, you know, Theydon't have a hospital within a
couple of hours.
Rural areas, that's a realproblem.
And there are more ruralhospitals that might be closing
because of these Medicaid cuts.
So that's a huge problem thatwe need to address, just basic
access to health care.
And then I think one thing thatwas really beneficial to me, to
(25:13):
any of you health careproviders out there, The extent
to which doctors and nurses wereable to be very transparent in
their thinking and help meunderstand what was going on and
what they were doing and whyand have it be a little bit of a
(25:34):
conversation in that casedidn't take a lot of time, but
it meant a lot.
And it helped me focus on whatI needed to focus on in terms of
healing.
So that was tremendous.
And giving them feedback, whatwas working, what was not, how I
was feeling in response tocertain types of treatment.
And I think that was reallyhelpful too.
(25:56):
And being an advocate formyself.
We need ourselves or a relativeor a friend with a healthcare
proxy for us who feels up to itand capable to be an advocate
for us.
But we need to manage our owncare to some extent.
We need to advocate and askgood questions.
And I always ask the experts atthe end, what questions should
(26:17):
I be asking that I didn't ask?
Or what would you ask in thissituation?
And they appreciated that.
So, you know, I think that wasa big lesson.
You're part of a team and youget to participate, not just sit
there and listen and not askquestions or give feedback.
(26:38):
Anyway, so I hope that'shelpful.
I mean, I hope it resonates.
Probably a lot of you wouldresonate with i hope you you
know leave in the comments orthe reviews you know your
experiences or or you knowquestions that it raises for you
or things that were helpful foryou um uh you know for for all
(26:59):
of us and our loved ones they'regoing to be these health care
crises you know health crisesthroughout our lives and um you
know i think we've got to figureout how to how to do better as
a society, but we also need tomake sure we're taking care of
ourselves and taking care of ourloved ones and understanding
how to give ourselves and ourloved ones the best chances to
(27:23):
heal and have healthy, happy,long lives.
loving lives, right?
That's the goal in the end.
So thank you for listening, forbeing here, for letting me
share not just the highs but thelows of what's going on in my
life and the lessons learned.
If this season has helped youor inspired you or made you feel
(27:45):
seen or validated, I'd love foryou to leave a review, share
the show with a friend or aloved one, and drop me a note on
Instagram or, you know, go toour website integrityandjoy.com
and let me know what resonatedwith you and if you have any
suggestions for season twoplease don't hesitate to let us
(28:05):
know and if you'd like toexplore how life coaching or an
integrity circle or ourcommunity on Aura could be of
help to you and your personal orprofessional journey sign up
for a discovery call through ourwebsite and it's free and we
can have a nice conversationabout how I could be of help I
hope you have a great summer andwe We look forward to
(28:27):
continuing the conversationtowards the end of the summer.
In the meantime, have a greatrest of your day.
Bye bye.
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