How to Parent Intentionally, Rather than Reactively

Discover the power of intentional parenting in this engaging episode of Motherhood: The Best Job in the World! Join Kelsey as she explores the key differences between reactive and intentional parenting, offering practical tips to create a nurturing family culture. Learn why intentional parenting—rooted in clear values and consistent rituals—helps regulate both parents’ and children’s nervous systems, fostering a calmer, happier home. Drawing from Andy and Sandra Stanley’s book,  "Parenting: Getting It Right", Kelsey shares relatable stories and actionable strategies, like defining your parenting “win” and matching your approach to your child’s developmental stage. Perfect for parents seeking effective parenting techniques, stress reduction, and stronger family connections. Tune in for expert insights, emotional regulation tips, and a roadmap to purposeful parenting that transforms your family dynamic. Subscribe now, share this show with a mom friend, and join the conversation! 

Subscribe now, share this show with a mom friend, and join the conversation! 

Connect with Kelsey:

@creating.intentional.mothers
[e-mail]

Episode Transcript

Kelsey (00:00):
Hey there, amazing mamas. Today we're talking about
the difference betweenintentional and reactive
parenting and why beingintentional doesn't just make
your family life smoother,although it does, but it
actually helps calm everyone'snervous system. Yep, today we're
gonna be talking science,stories, and practical tips to

(00:23):
help make your home a morepeaceful place. Let's get
started. Welcome to motherhood,the best job in the world.
I'm your host Kelsey Redd, astay at home mom just like you,
sharing relatable stories andpractical parenting tips so you
can find ultimate joy inmothering. So picture this, I

(00:46):
know you can relate. It's 5PM,your four year old is having a
meltdown over, who knows, abroken crayon. And you're
juggling dinner prep, a workemail, the crying baby, and you
hear this meltdown happeningbehind you and you might just
snap. Just stop crying over thecrayon.

(01:11):
This is reactive parenting.We've all done it. Responding in
the heat of the moment, drivenby stress or frustration, and
our own nervous system beinghijacked into fight or flight.
We've all been there and it'stotally normal. But reactive

(01:31):
parenting is like putting outfires without a plan.
It's inconsistent, it'semotional, and it's focused on
the short term relief. Now let'scontrast that with intentional
parenting. This is aboutparenting with a purpose, guided

(01:52):
by your values and a long termvision for your kids. Think of
this as being the captain of aship steering towards a
destination, such as a strongtrusting relationship with your
child. Intentional parenting isconsistent, it's reflective, and

(02:13):
it's focused on teaching skills,not just stopping the chaos.
And here's the cool part. It'snot just better for your kid's
behavior, it's actually betterfor everyone's nervous system.
Let me share a story. Last week,my now six year old spilled milk

(02:37):
all over the kitchen floor. Mygut reaction is to yell, why do
we fill up the cup to the verytop?
But I caught myself, took a deepbreath, and said, oops,
accidents happen. Let's get atowel and clean it up. That

(02:58):
intentional moment hopefully isteaching responsibility,
accountability, cleaning up yourown messes, and it also kept us
both calm. And this is where thenervous system comes in. Let's
get nerdy for a second.
Your nervous system and yourkids is like a traffic light.

(03:21):
Green for calm, yellow forstressed, and red for full blown
meltdown. When we reactimpulsively by shouting or
giving into a tantrum, it spikeseveryone's stress level into
that red zone. It's like pouringfuel on a fire. Everyone's amped

(03:43):
up and it actually takes a whileto cool down.
And when these kinds ofsituations are coming up, what
feels like every ten minutes,you can actually be stuck in a
perpetual state of stressbecause you're never getting the
calm down opportunities or atleast not often enough.

(04:03):
Intentional parenting on theother hand, keeps the traffic
light green. When you pause,respond calmly, and focus on
teaching, you model emotionalregulation. This is why your own
ability to regulate is socritical. And honestly, one of

(04:25):
the most important things thatyou can do for your own
parenting.
Your calm voice and apredictable response signals
safety to your children's brain,helping them to also stay
regulated. So this is why it'sso important because it goes
both ways. When you'reintentional, you're less likely

(04:48):
to hit that red zone yourselfbecause you're not reacting to
stress and you're helpingregulate your children so that
they're not jumping into the redzone. So this idea of parenting
with the long term goal in mindand using that to inform all of
your decisions along the waycome from a couple that I love

(05:11):
who wrote Parenting, Getting ItRight, one of my favorite
parenting books named Andy andSandra Stanley. They talk about
defining your parenting when.
I'm using quotes here. What isit that you want to accomplish
as a parent? You can decide whatthat is, but the Stanleys argue

(05:34):
that the most importantparenting win is a strong
relationship with your kid whenthey're an adult. And you use
that to guide your actions. TheStanleys break up parenting into
four stages, includingdiscipline for younger children,
skills training and teaching forschool aged children, coaching

(05:59):
and collaborating for teens, andultimately friendship with your
adult children.
Now you might be thinking, I'vegot fifteen years before I have
adult children. I've got tenyears before I have an adult
child. Why am I thinking aboutfriendship with my adult
children? But that's exactlywhat being intentional is all

(06:19):
about. Being intentional meansyou're matching your approach to
your child's stage in life withthe long term goal in mind so
that ultimately everythingyou're building, even from years
in advance, leads up to what itis that you want more than

(06:40):
anything, which is a lovingfriendship with your adult
children when they no longerhave to be stuck in your home,
but they want to spend time withyou because you have that
relationship.
So coming back to my example,yelling at my daughter for
spilling milk doesn't teach heranything other than mom is

(07:01):
someone to be feared and I'mgonna get in trouble for
mistakes. Instead, guiding herto clean it up and working
together keeps nervous systemsin check, but also keeps the
relationship as the priority. Sohow do we do this? Here are
three tips inspired partly bythe Stanley's principles to help

(07:25):
you be more intentional and keepthose nervous systems calm. Tip
number one.
You need to define yourparenting win. Ask yourself,
what is my long term goal?Again, the Stanleys say it's
about building a relationshipthat lasts into adulthood. For

(07:47):
me, means that my children feelsafe to talk to me even as they
go into their teenage years andthat we want to be together as a
family. Our kids want to be withus and siblings want to be
around each other because of therelationship we've built.
And when you're tempted toreact, think, does this move me
toward my ultimate goal? It'slike a mental pause button to

(08:12):
keep you calm and keep youfocused in the right direction.
Tip number two, we need to matchthe stage that our kids are in.
Our kids' needs are going tochange as they grow up. For
little ones, ages like zero tofive, focus on simple, loving
discipline, like redirectingtoddlers from a tantrum with a

(08:34):
calm voice.
Once we get to school age kids,we'll be doing more training,
teaching them skills, likehelping your seven year old to
make a checklist for theirhomework. Later on, teens need
coaching, asking questions andletting them learn how to make
decisions for themselves.Matching your stage keeps your

(08:56):
responses predictable and allowsyou to relate to your child in a
way that they can understand.And tip number three, create
calming rituals. I love to talkabout rituals.
Rituals are like anchors in yourfamily culture. Try a gratitude

(09:17):
moment where everyone sharessomething they're grateful for,
a transition ritual to easethrough tough moments, or other
consistent practices that willsignal safety and stability to
your kids' brains, therebyreducing stress for everyone. So
again, when we're reactive, weare just putting out fires left

(09:40):
and right, but we're not givingour kids the skills to know what
to do next time or building therelationship that helps them to
know that we're a safe place.Intentional parenting doesn't
just shape better behaviour, itactually creates a calmer,
happier home. When you'reintentional, you're not just

(10:03):
reacting to every littlemeltdown or spill.
You're teaching your kids how tohandle life's ups and downs.
You're teaching them the skillof emotional regulation. You're
modeling your own emotionalregulation. And by staying calm,
you are helping their littlenervous systems and yours to

(10:24):
stay in the green zone. It'slike giving your family a gift,
a home where people feel safe,connected, and able to grow.
So parents, your challenge forthis week is to pick one
intentional move, whether it's acalming ritual or a pause before

(10:44):
you react. Maybe it's justpracticing your own emotional
regulation skill outside ofparenting so that you're better
equipped to handle your childrenonce you've gotten a little bit
more practice. You don't have tobe perfect, just purposeful.
Thanks for listening. I'd loveto hear your stories.

(11:07):
If you're having a hard time inyour mothering journey, reach
out to me. Let's talk. Let's seeif we can find a plan that works
for you to feel a little bitmore empowered in your
mothering. Or if you're havingsuccess or even just hilarious
stories, reach out to me onInstagram and tell me about it.
I love to hear these stories andI want to share your stories.

(11:32):
I'll see you next time. Andremember, you're doing an
amazing job. If you enjoyed thisepisode, don't forget to follow
the show, leave a review andshare it with a mom friend. I'll
see you next time on Motherhood,the best job in the world.