May 20, 2024 • 48 mins
In this episode, Matt & Jenn discuss some of the latest TikTok relationship tests and whether there is something we can learn about our marriages from these viral trends.
- If you really want to test your relationship, pick up a mirror rather than a microscope. Only you can change you.
- “Turn towards” rather than “turning away” from your spouse by making and receiving bids for connection.
- Whether your prior rejections have been intentional or unintentional, challenge yourself to see and lean into those bids for connection from your spouse.
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
- Married Dance — https://marrieddance.com/?aff=29
Shop from this link and part of your purchase will support Intimate Covenant. - Coconu — http://www.coconu.com
Your purchase helps support Intimate Covenant AND you get 15% OFF. Coupon Code: intimateconvenant
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, Jen want to take a TikTok relationship test.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Uh, that's a test you are certain to fail Great.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Today on the podcast, we're talking about what you
might actually learn about yourrelationship if you take the
latest viral relationship tests.
Let's do it.
Welcome friends.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Welcome.
We're Matt and Jen, and this isthe Intimate Covenant podcast
where we believe the Bible andgreat married sex belong on your
kitchen table.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Have you ever said the tagline before?
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Not publicly, but there's a first for everything.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
We are talking about godly marriage with hot sex and
emotionally fulfilling oneness.
This is, as Jen announced, theIntimate Covenant podcast.
Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Thanks for being here .
Speaker 1 (00:53):
If you're looking for more information about Intimate
Covenant.
If this is your first time tothe podcast, welcome Thank you
for being here.
You can find out more aboutIntimate Covenant and Matt and
Jen.
That's us at our website,intimatecovenantcom, and, as
always, we invite yourparticipation and your feedback
to the podcast.
If there's something you'd likeus to cover, if there's
(01:16):
something that we get wrong orright, let us know.
Podcast at IntimateCovenantcom.
So if you're on social media atall, you've probably seen the
viral relationship tests and Iam not on a lot of social media,
but I did get into this alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
You dug, you dug into it, you dug into the
relationship test.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I found all kinds of relationship tests on TikTok and
other social media platforms,including the water test, the
strawberry test, the DavidBeckham test, the forest test
and the moon phase test.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Oh my, maybe you have heard of some of these, maybe
you've even taken some of thesetests, or perhaps you've
challenged your spouse with someof these.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Yes, more likely, you've challenged your spouse
with some of these.
I'm just going to bursteveryone's bubble right now.
You won't be surprised to findout that most of these tests are
as reliable and as helpful asthe.
What, disney, princess, are youtests?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
What did you take that test?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Never taken that test .
I've also never been sortedinto a Harry.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Potter.
You don't even know the name.
I don't even know what thatmeans.
Yeah, it's probably not veryreliable when it comes to the
health of your relationship, butis there something that we
could learn from some of thesesocial media trends?
That's the question.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
That's the question and another question we're going
to answer.
Are Matt and Jen too old to betalking about viral TikTok
trends?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Considering I've never actually gone on to TikTok
, the answer is probably yes,probably yes.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
But before we get into the meat of the episode, we
certainly want to make a coupleof announcements.
First of all, as we continue toannounce, the retreat is
happening.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Yes, our annual marriage retreat.
This year it's happeningSeptember 19th through the 21st.
That's held here in the Houstonarea, northwest Houston area,
and right outside of thewoodlands Houston area,
northwest Houston area and rightoutside of the woodlands, and
we do have a few, as in a smallhandful of spots remaining.
So if you are at all on thefence you're considering coming,
(03:36):
we can still take you, but theclock's ticking.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
The clock is definitely ticking and we
certainly want you there, soplease register if you want to
come.
You can reserve your spot forjust $200 deposit and pay the
rest down the road.
But definitely get on that ifyou want to join.
We are running out of room.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Where do they go to join Matt or to get more
information?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Yes, of course, IntimateCovenantcom slash
retreat.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
There it is.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
That'll get you all the information.
If you just want moreinformation, you want to learn
more about what to expect, gothere or just email us.
We'll be glad to talk to youabout it.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yes.
The other thing we want toannounce is that we have once
again been honored, been askedto participate in the Dating
Divas Marriage Bundle.
This is our Participate in theDating Divas.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Marriage Bundle.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
This is our third, third year, third year, third
year to be contributors to theDating Divas Marriage Bundle.
If you've been with us at all,then you've heard us talk about
this the past two years.
But Dating Divas is a greatwebsite.
Just in general provides a lotof amazing resources.
Great resources to help keepthe fun in your marriage.
(04:46):
Yes, but they once a year puttogether a marriage bundle.
They invite lots of differentcontributors to contribute, all
sorts of contributors who aremuch more fun than we are much
smarter than we are, but somehowwe get lumped into that and
we're honored to be asked tocontribute to that bundle.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But they put together a bundle of resources that's
worth easily over $400.
And they sell it all for like20 bucks.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
It's going to be cheap.
That will go live on June 17ththis year.
We have contributed a brand newe-course that we have put
together.
Yes, drum roll, yes.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
A brand new e-course that we put together yes, drum
roll, yes.
A brand new e-course.
We are calling this e-courseMake Better Connections.
Understand what your spouseneeds and why you sometimes miss
.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
So it's worth the cost of the marriage bundle just
to get our e-course.
How do you like that?
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I mean we would think so, but it's a nice little
course, including someconversation starters, for you
and your spouse to really kindof dig deep into sometimes the
conflict that you're having andwhy you're having the conflicts
and how to reframe thoseconflicts into an opportunity
for growth.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
And speaking of e-course the e-ourse we created
for last year's marriage bundleit is for sale on our website.
We have not done a very goodjob of promoting that, but if
you're curious about what wemean when we say an eCourse, go
to our website and you can findit there.
That one was titled.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
What Does Sex Mean to my Spouse, that's the one yeah
Uh also, yeah, also, hopefully,I think, pretty insightful and
again, it is a tool to helpgenerate some very helpful
conversations, maybe someconversations you, I would
expect, some conversations youmaybe have never had with your
spouse.
Um, so that again worth it itsweight in gold when you have
(06:44):
those conversations with yourspouse that you've never had
before.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
So all of that can be is available on our website
instrumentcovenantcom.
All right, matt, let's get intotoday's episode.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
So viral TikTok videos and relationship tests
let's be clear.
Relationship tests.
Let's be clear Most of theserelationship tests are bogus
attempts to evaluate yourspouse's loyalty and or
devotedness.
They are motivated almostentirely by jealousy and
(07:17):
selfishness and fear.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
At least, that's what they prey on, and the results
are baseless and truly unhelpfulyeah, they're pretty much
nothing but clickbait and Ithink most people know that and
yet it's pretty temptingsometimes to click on them,
right sure I mean.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
That said, a lot of us do those kind of things out
of fun and we don't put a lot ofstock in the results, but I
think it's important to clarifyfrom the beginning that we're
not promoting these but I dothink I mean I kind of dug into
this probably more than I shouldhave, because it was becoming
(07:57):
great research for this podcast,Matt, including viral tick.
No, it was, it wasn't ours.
Thanks for the research media.
No, it was, it wasn't hoursthanks for the research, yeah
but it wasn't ours.
But it was fun and interestingand I just have to share some of
these with you guys because youguys are maybe are younger than
us and maybe, on social media,more than us, maybe you're the
(08:20):
target audience for these things, but I wanted to share some of
these because I just thoughtthey were so crazy.
I could not believe where theycome up with this stuff.
So one of the relationshiptests I came across is called
the strawberry test.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Okay, I like a strawberry.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Well then, you're going to fail this test.
Oh no, the strawberry test is aseries of four questions which
are supposedly and I I emphasizethe word supposedly, uh, a
psychological evaluation of yourspouse's loyalty.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
So all from a strawberry, okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
So you ask your spouse these four questions.
The first one is you're on awalk and you spot a field of
strawberries, You're hungry andonly a fence stands between you
and the berries.
How high is the fence?
Speaker 2 (09:06):
what I'm supposed to just tell you what I don't
answer this question, not live,at least you.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Number two.
You go into a field and startto steal the berries.
How many?
Speaker 2 (09:18):
do you eat okay?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
suddenly the farmer appears and starts yelling.
What do you say in your defense?
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
After the situation is over how did the berries
taste and how did you feel aboutstealing them?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Oh my, and all of these questions are evaluating
our marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Yes, because guess what?
The height of the fencesymbolizes your level of
self-control, preventing youfrom cheating.
Oh goodness, yeah, don't answerthese questions.
Oh goodness, yeah, don't answerthese questions.
The number of strawberries issupposedly the number of people
that you could love at the sametime.
Oh my, your defense to thefarmer is the excuse you would
(09:57):
use to cheat on your partner,and the way you felt after the
whole ordeal is over, uh, is howyou'd feel when you think back
on an affair wow pretty neatokay that's pretty ridiculous
yes, uh, so, yeah.
So, jen, how many strawberrieswould you eat?
I'm not gonna answer that nowyou see, I don't even like
(10:21):
strawberries, so what does thateven say about me?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I think you passed Better than me, I guess, but
yeah, the correlations here arejust mind-blowing Strawberry
test.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
So another one is called the forest test.
All right, so the forest testis another quote, deeply
psychological set of questionsasking your spouse to envision
themselves in a forest.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Number one.
What is the first animal yousee?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
I'm too afraid to answer Number two what is the
second animal you see?
Speaker 1 (10:52):
You're walking in a forest and then you see a hut.
Do you bypass it, knock beforegoing in or just crash it?
You see a jug.
How much water is in it?
Half full or none?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Goodness, that's a busy forest.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Yes, so, again, the deeply psychological questions
can be analyzed supposedly,apparently allegedly and the
first animal is supposed torepresent yourself, all right,
whatever the second animalrepresents your spouse, yourself
, whatever the second animalrepresents your spouse, and they
(11:29):
have different meetings for allthe different forest animals
and what that says about you andyour spouse.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Oh yeah, you get the decoder ring.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
I guess the hut represents their level of
commitment to the relationship.
Oh, like how, how aggressivelywould you enter the?
Speaker 2 (11:42):
hut, oh, and what happens if I pass it?
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Yeah, exactly.
And then the jug represents howmuch love you feel in the
moment.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Half full or half empty.
Babe, that jug was full.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Okay, so again Forest test.
I mean, you can see why thesetests are so popular because
they just feel so deeplyinsightful and structured in a
way that you just get such true,honest feedback.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
I am clearly not the targeted audience, if that's
what I'm supposed to be feeling.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Yeah, same.
Then finally, and there's manymore, but there's just one more
that's still good, okay, it'scalled the moon phase test.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Okay, tick tock, even like integrated an app to help
people take this moon oh no, youknow, that's where the hackers
exist, honey, when you click onthe app.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Yeah, that's how the russians are going to get us, or
chinese, I guess.
Um, so here's the thing.
You're supposed to look up thephase of the moon when you and
your spouse were born, oh, whenyou each were born, obviously,
unless you're born the same day.
But the phase of the moon I betthat says something.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
And when your spouse very good or very bad, yes, okay
, well here you go.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So the closer these phases align uh-huh, the more
likely it is that you're goingto be soulmates.
Oh, so I'm soul.
I looked this up for us.
Good, I couldn't resist.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Turns out, our moon phases are exactly one week out
of alignment.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Oh, is that bad or good?
I?
Speaker 1 (13:12):
don't know what that means.
Jen was born under a full moon.
Oh, did you know that aboutyourself?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
What is that?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Does that say anything about you?
No, I don't think it does Okayabout you.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
no, I don't think it does okay, uh, I was born during
a waxing gibbous, oh, justbefore the third quarter.
Yeah, you lost me okay.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Interestingly, though , I have no idea what this means
about us.
Okay, it means that we're onequarter out of phase with each
other well does that describeour relationship in general?
Oh, next time there's, I'llremind you of the moon We'll
have to see what the I don'tknow what is the moon phase
right now?
Speaker 2 (13:49):
So Matt, this has been riveting content so far.
Where are we going with thisone?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Fun, true, but obviously ridiculous.
I mean it's it is not hard toimagine why these kinds of
things go crazy on the internet,though I don't know hard to
imagine why these kinds ofthings go crazy on the internet
though, because, no, I I thinkbecause they appeal to our
desire, as human beings, tooversimplify very complicated
dynamics right Now you'regetting, we are desperate, I
(14:17):
think, for both security anddrama at the same time, and
that's exactly where the thesethings come into play.
I will say, however, there aretwo tests, and this is really
what kind of triggered for methe whole deep dive into
relationship tests is.
There are, in fact, two teststhat caught my attention because
(14:38):
I think, at least on some smalllevel, they might actually have
something to do with reality.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yeah, I remember when you came across at least one of
these tests and you startedexplaining it to me and I was
like well, that sounds like apodcast.
Yeah, exactly so so here we are.
Are you curious what the testAre?
Speaker 1 (14:55):
you curious which ones?
Well, it's not the forest testor the moon phase test,
strawberries.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
But it does have to do with fruit.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
It does.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
It is the orange peel test.
Maybe you've heard of it, maybenot, but here's the test.
Is you, out of nowhere, askyour spouse to peel an orange
for you?
Just randomly, randomly.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Has nothing to do with anything that's happening
in the moment, will you?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
peel an orange for me , yes.
The test is supposedly that ifyour spouse does that for you
willingly, that suggests thatyour relationship is on solid
ground.
Okay, the reasoning is, atleast according to the expert
social media influencers.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Oh yeah, they're the experts.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Is that if your spouse is willing to do small,
meaningless and inconvenienttasks for you, then they must be
truly invested in you and inthe relationship.
Oh, okay, and the second test,the second one has nothing to do
with fruit, but it does have todo with birds.
Oh, you like birds, I do likebirds.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
This is what appealed to you.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
It's at least what caught my eye initially, that
this was about birds.
By the way, this bird test he'sabout to describe is like my
everyday life, so I'm alreadypast the bird test, that's
probably true, okay, but atleast as it is described, at
least as I saw it described inthe social media realms the bird
(16:24):
test, the tickety-tock yes, thebird test is when you stand at
a window, your spouse is in thesame room, but they are not
occupying the same closelocation.
Right, you're standing in theroom together and you are
staring out the window and youpoint out a bird that you see,
that is outside.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Are you supposed to find an actual bird, or do you
lie and pretend like?
Speaker 1 (16:46):
that.
Well, you're going to have todeal with your own conscious on
this.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Okay, you're stressing me out.
Okay, yes, you point out a bird, point out a bird.
And then what?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
And if your spouse responds with any degree of
interest, like, oh honey, whereor what kind of bird would that
be, hon?
What does that look like?
Or how did you learn so muchabout birds?
Whatever, If your spouseresponds with some degree of
interest, then there is a goodchance that your relationship is
(17:15):
on solid ground, according tothe internet relationship
experts, of course.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
There's a lot of them , all right, but of all the
crazy viral relationship teststhat you've come across, there
might be a little bit ofvalidity to these last two that
you just mentioned.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
I feel like these last two are at least loosely
based on some actual realscience and some sound reasoning
.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
So we're going to go there and if you are still
listening, if you've stuckaround, maybe we're going to
provide you some actual contenthere.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Okay, let's dig into this in a little bit more
serious nature, or at least in amore practical and helpful
nature.
When I refer to science, youcan't refer to relationship
science without referring toreally the pioneers of more
modern relationship research,and that is John and Julie
(18:11):
Gottman of the Gottman Institute.
They wrote a fantastic.
They've written several, many,many books.
One book that we canunequivocally recommend is
called the Seven Principles forMaking Marriage Work.
You haven't read that book.
You ought to.
It's very helpful, veryinsightful and based on really
their literal decades ofresearch, studying literally
(18:35):
hundreds of married couples ofresearch studying literally
hundreds of married couples.
But one of the most importantconcepts from their research
that they have determined overthe many, many hours of
examining and watching couples,one of the most important
concepts in determining thelong-term success of a marriage
(18:57):
is this idea of receiving andbidding for connection.
They use phrases like turningtowards or turning away from
your spouse and again, theGottmans have been doing this
for a very long time and theyuse phrases like making bids for
(19:18):
connection or turning towardsyour spouse.
This is all about extendingoffers for connection to your
spouse.
So one of you is throwing outthese bids for connection, such
as hey, there's a bird outside.
There, you go, it's a bid forconnection.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
So physically this can look like a kiss or an offer
for a hug or snuggle or a paton the back, like a purposeful
touching of your spouse.
And it's also verbal.
It can look like an offer for aconversation like how was your
day?
Or what are you thinking, orlook at this bird right.
It is expressing a desire toconnect, whether that's physical
or verbal.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Yeah, absolutely.
And specifically in some oftheir research they published in
one long-term study that theydid of newlyweds.
So they took dozens, literallydid of newlyweds.
So they took dozens, literallyof newlyweds.
They studied them and then sixyears later they did some
follow-up, like who is stillaround, who is still together,
who is happily married, who'sdivorced, who's not happily
(20:32):
married.
And after the six years whatthey found is the couples that
stayed married to each otherwere the couples who initially
were turning toward one another.
An average of 86% of the time.
So 86% of the time when onecouple made a bid for connection
(20:54):
, the other couple respondedpositively to that bid for
connection.
Couples that divorced six yearslater averaged only 33% of the
time.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Which, when you put it in the terms of percentages
like that, it makes you thinkwhat would be the percentage in
my marriage?
Speaker 1 (21:16):
that's exactly what I'm getting at like.
What does that look like in my,in my marriage?
Am I hearing, am I respondingto in a positive way my partners
, my spouses, bids for myconnection?
Am I doing that nine out of tentimes or am I ignoring some of
those?
Right am I only responding to33%?
(21:38):
Am I only responding three outof 10 times?
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Right, because what the Gottman's found is that
successful couples turn towardseach other far more often than
not.
And by turning toward oneanother that means that you
acknowledge and engage that bidfor connection.
You don't just ignore it, youdon't just let it drop, that you
(22:02):
actually acknowledge it.
And again, whether that'sphysically or verbally, yeah,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
And spouses?
The other part of thisrelationship or this research,
is that spouses in successfulmarriages frequently make bids
for connection and theyfrequently respond to their
partner's bids.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
So they're doing both sides of the work.
They're doing the pursuing andthe responding, and they're
exactly, and they're doing itfrequently.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
They're not just going three weeks before they
engage a conversation with eachother.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
These spouses are interested in each other and
frequently engaging with oneanother.
That's what the Gottman's foundmakes for a successful couple.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Exactly, so we can say, I think, with at least some
validity, that, based on theGottman's research, there is at
least some truthfulness orsomething that is true about the
bird test and the orange peeltest, at least on some
superficial level, because ineach of those tests, you are
(23:05):
supposedly gauging yourpartner's willingness to respond
to a bid for connection, andthat's what's being tested there
Now.
Is a?
Is a bird and an orange peelthe best way to assess your
partner's interest in you?
That's maybe anotherconversation, but at least it
(23:26):
invites some conversation.
It invites some importantconversations, I think, about
the value of making thesefrequent small connections in
our relationships.
It's not about the one big thingthat you did for your spouse
this week.
It's about making thosefrequent bids, and by hearing,
and also hearing and respondingto their bids for connections.
(23:48):
So what I would suggest, thoughrather than using these 10,
rather than stopping the podcastright now, and like going and
testing your spouse, rather thanusing these tests, rather than
stopping the podcast right now,and like going and testing your
spouse, rather than using thesetests to gauge the strength of
your relationship, I wouldsuggest that these general
concepts are best used tochallenge my own personal
(24:12):
behaviors and attitudes.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
I need to be testing myself.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yes, and that's where we flip this on its head Right.
So in other words, these testsmake a better mirror than a
microscope.
Don't use these tests to accuseyour spouse.
Instead, use these tests to,frankly, prick your own heart.
Right Now.
That's a lot harder.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
There's a reason why that's not on TikTok.
It's much easier to it's notTikTok, I can't do that?
Speaker 2 (24:41):
No, not.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
TikToks, that's breath mints TikTok.
But if you're only accusingyour spouse, you stand a very
good chance of simply causingfurther division.
If you're using these tests tojust trip your spouse up or
catch them in some kind ofguiltiness or whatever it might
(25:02):
be, you're only promotingdivision in that relationship
rather than in healing.
So we know this right, we allknow and we preach this all the
time.
Practically speaking, you canonly change yourself right right
.
So these kinds of tests thatfocus on my spouse's
shortcomings are rarely helpful,and they never realistically
(25:25):
assess the nuances of your ownrelationship dynamic.
They only tell you aboutoranges and about birds.
They don't tell you a lot moreabout what's actually happening
in your relationship, becauserelationships are just they're
just far more complicated thanjust a single narrow moment in
time.
Right, and so your spousedeserves a little bit more
(25:48):
benefit of the doubt than that.
They may not be able to peel anorange, or they may just simply
hate birds.
They love you, but they mayhate birds.
So you know there's too manyvariables that these tests don't
account for.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Well, and so I think, instead, a better test is one
that examines your own selfinwardly.
So the question is not howwould my spouse respond, but how
would I respond Exactly, it'snot how would my spouse respond,
but how would I respond.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
If my spouse tried to interrupt my personal time with
a comment about a bird?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
in our backyard?
Absolutely.
How would my spouse respond?
Sorry, how would I respond tomy spouse's request to peel an
orange for them?
I mean, like, what if theyasked me right as I was sitting
down on the couch to watch thegame?
What if they asked me to peelan orange or go to the window to
look at a bird, right as I wasin the middle of my favorite
(26:46):
Netflix show?
Would I be willing to stop whatI was doing in order to see to
their interests and respond totheir bid for connection it?
Speaker 2 (26:59):
might be easy to you know, cast it aside like, well,
that's a.
That would just be so stupid tobe called to the window to look
at a bird or be asked to peelan orange.
But you know, beside that,think about this more deeply.
What does it look like to turntoward or turn away from my
(27:22):
spouse?
How often do I do both of those?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
And how can I do a better job of maximizing
positive responses that thenultimately help build a solid
relationship and intimacy in mymarriage?
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Right, and I think one place this conversation
maybe should go is to recognizethat I may be rejecting my
spouse more often than I evenrealize, because sometimes
rejection is unintentional.
Sometimes I just simply rejecta bid without even realizing
(27:59):
that's what I've done.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
And sometimes I do that because I'm just simply not
speaking the same language thatthey're speaking, right?
We've you've probably heard ofthe five love languages and a
lot, of, a lot of hysteria wasmade of that book when it came
out several years ago.
Hysteria was made of that bookwhen it came out several years
ago, and the concepts are true,probably to some extent, that we
(28:26):
, we um feel and express lovedifferently than others, each of
us individually, and that'sespecially true of spouses.
Some of us connect best withwords, some of us connect best
with actions.
Some of us want to connect withwords or conversation or touch
or sex, or some of us justsimply deeply appreciate acts of
service.
(28:47):
There's a lot of ways that werelate to each other.
There's a lot of ways that wefeel love and that we express
love.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
And sometimes we are rejecting our spouse
unintentionally, because they'reexpressing their love in a way
that I'm just not as naturallyinclined to, and so I'm missing
the fact that they are puttingout that bid for connection in a
different language, if you will, than what I'm drawn to.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Absolutely and absolutely.
And you know a lot.
A lot of times weunintentionally reject our
spouse because we just don'tappreciate the importance of the
language that my spouse isusing right they're trying to
initiate connection in a placeand I just don't really feel
like it's that important.
How could it it be thatimportant?
(29:37):
I mean, if your spouseinitiates a conversation, even
if it's about birds or honeybees, they're trying to share
something with you that is farmore important in that moment
than just some specific, boringpiece of information.
They're trying to buildconnection with that.
They're trying to connect withyou on some level and often we
(29:58):
just don't realize that it's.
We don't think, we don'tappreciate.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
We don't value that moment of you know them seeking
connection.
I mean a quick kiss or a simple, you know touch, a request for
a touch that might seem reallyinsignificant.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Or even inconvenient, exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
But to my spouse it probably means much more.
I mean, if they've initiated,that alone tells me this means
something for them and thereforeit's important to them and I
need to make it important to me.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
You know, I don't need tobecome a professional
ornithologist.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
Oh good.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
That's a someone who studies birds, right.
If my spouse wants to talkabout birds, I don't have to
become a professional in that.
I just simply need to engage inthat simple moment of their joy
when they saw that paintedbunting at the bird feeder.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
That would make your day, wouldn't it?
Speaker 1 (31:01):
That would be pretty amazing.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
In reality, it's not much investment to really
celebrate my spouse's interest.
It's not much investment.
It doesn't require that much tolean into a quick hug or a kiss
.
And yet, most of the time time,how do we respond to that?
(31:23):
You know, I think we've got tostop and recognize what are we
doing with our spouses yeah,it's for connection.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
And if I really viewed it in the sense that you,
you know I'm rejecting myspouse, I probably would take it
more seriously right, and wedon't think of it, though, as
being that serious.
I'm not doing it on purpose,but often I just have to step
outside of my own world and stepoutside of my own interests so
that I can see my spouse better.
(31:51):
I need to retrain myself tohear their bids for connection
and make that little bit ofextra effort to connect in that
moment.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah, so sometimes those rejections are
unintentional.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
We're just not recognizing the importance of
those moments, but probably formost of us.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
most of the time they're unintentional, and I
think that's probably where mostof us have the most work to do
right, but sometimes, though,rejection is intentional and
that's the darker side ofourselves that sometimes we
don't really want to confront oror acknowledge yeah, if you
stop and think about you know myspouse asking me to peel an
(32:34):
orange, it maybe says something.
If my first answer is what?
Why that's?
Speaker 1 (32:39):
stupid.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
That's so stupid.
You're more than capable ofdoing that.
Why would you want me to dothat?
That hurts, right.
It hurts to think about what'smy reaction.
And is my rejection to that bidfor connection actually
intentional.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Oh yeah, I mean, we hear the request, we see the
invitation, we understand whatit means to them, we know what
our spouse is asking for andwhat they want, what they desire
, sometimes what they need, andyet we avoid the eye contact, we
ignore the need, we dismiss theconversation with just a flat
(33:16):
one-word response.
These kinds of rejections areentirely due to a self-centered
mindset.
Right, I mean to be to be fair,that even the most generous
person like Jen has some periodsof self-focus.
Some of us are just simply moreselfish than others, right, but
(33:39):
I would encourage all of us totake some moments to reflect on
what are the ways that my spouseis reaching out to me.
How do they like to initiateconnection with me?
Speaker 2 (33:54):
And am I missing opportunities to connect?
And why?
Why am I missing those bits?
How can I do a better job ofseeing those bids?
Speaker 1 (34:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, what are some ways Ican do a better job?
What are some better ways thatI can better respond to my
spouse to make them feel moreconnected and more validated?
What is keeping me from beingable to catch their bids for
connection?
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Well, yeah, I mean, that alone is a great question.
Is it that I'm too busy withwork, too busy with kids, too
busy with other responsibilities?
Is it that I just I view myselfas too busy because I haven't
prioritized making thoseconnections?
Speaker 1 (34:42):
I'm just distracted by too many other things.
Uh, am I?
And another part of this?
Again, everything is way morenuanced than an orange peel.
Um, am I bitter against myspouse due to past conflicts or
due to the fact that I feel likethey've been rejecting my bids,
(35:02):
right, and so I'm holdingmyself back to avoid engaging
with them?
Um, in any way?
So there's lots of reasons whywe do these things.
We are not always as altruisticas we would like to believe
that we might be.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Often, we have some sinister motives but I think
it's so healthy for us to stopand think how many bids am I
missing, both intentionally andunintentionally?
And it's interesting to me thatthe Gottman's research wasn't
really about missing the in.
You know, intentionally missingversus unintentionally missing.
(35:40):
It was just about missing thebids or catching the bids,
whether that's intentional orunintentional.
So even that unintentional missof a bid can have a really
negative effect.
Therefore I need to prioritizewatching for when my spouse
makes that bid for connection.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Yeah, absolutely Absolutely.
So let's talk about just somepractical ways to turn towards
your spouse.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
What are some ways that we can better do a better
job, some practical ways toreally put this into practice in
our own response, and I kind ofalluded to one of these earlier
, and that is when your spouseasks you a question, a one word
response is almost neversufficient to get where they're
going.
It's never, it's never helpful,it's never connecting, at the
(36:37):
very least it's never going tobuild relationship.
If your spouse asks you how wasyour day and you say fine, yeah
.
No connection happened there.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
I mean we all understand, like when you get a
fine like that, it doesn't makeyou feel anything right Warm or
fuzzy, especially.
I mean you didn't learnanything.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Right.
Or your spouse tells yousomething that happened today,
like you know little Johnny, youknow little johnny, I don't
know, did something, uh, today,and your response is huh yeah,
cool, that again no connectionwas made there.
Instead, you could instead of aone-word response, you could
say tell me more about that, orhow did that make you feel, or
(37:20):
what was your favorite part ofyour day.
Those kinds of open-endedresponses now lead to a chance
for both of you to sharesomething in that moment Share
words, share experiences, sharefeelings, share emotion.
And that is how you buildconnection.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Right, and another, I think, way to turn towards one
another, and you talk aboutsharing is sharing eye contact.
Oh good, make eye contact andmake eye contact.
Often, eye contact isincredibly vulnerable, um, and
we've talked about that beforeon a previous podcast there's a
whole episode on it.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
We did?
Speaker 2 (37:58):
we did, but I thought it was.
I mean, as we were preparingthat episode, I remember
thinking, oh, he's making eyecontact with me way more than
normal and I don't know what todo with that.
It is very vulnerable and werecognize that when you're upset
at someone, even subtly, that'sone of the first physical signs
(38:20):
.
You just don't really want tomake that eye contact.
So turn towards your spouse bymaking yourself make eye contact
with them.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Right.
Another great way to make moreconnections and turn toward your
spouse is to turn everythingelse off, right?
Turn off your phone, put itdown, turn off the TV show, turn
off the ball game, turn off thelaundry, even turn off the
things that are distracting youfrom being able to connect and
(38:50):
hear your spouse.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Well, and that's all about priorities right.
Yeah, and literally turn toward, turn toward your spouse.
Body language says everything.
Yep, be willing to actuallyface your spouse.
Actually occupy the same space.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Yeah Say, put yourself in close proximity,
right?
It's much easier to connect ifyou're both sitting beside each
other on the couch or you'resitting beside each other at the
table, rather than across theroom from each other or in
separate rooms, right?
You can't hear bids forconnection.
You can't make bids forconnection if you're not in
proximity, right?
(39:28):
Another one is find some smalltasks to do for your spouse.
Yeah, particularly if yourspouse is just someone who is
always giving and doing for you.
Guess what?
That's probably how they'retrying to tell you that they
love you, how they're trying totell you that they love you, and
that's also how they will feellove and be appreciated.
Feel appreciated is if you dosome things for them.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Yeah, when your spouse asks for a favor, do it
right away.
Stop saying just a minute ifyou don't actually have to.
Would it really actually hurtyou to not catch that play in
the game so that you can helpyour spouse with whatever that
they're asking?
Speaker 1 (40:11):
you don't have to finish the viral relationship
test before you help your spouse.
You'd be better connected ifyou didn't right right, right.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
I think another great way to turn towards your spouse
is be willing to.
You know, we talked aboutengaging with one another
physically, but don't be thefirst to pull away from a kiss
or a hug.
That's a big one.
They say this is actuallyreally really good with your
kids.
Don't be the one to first pullaway, but if it's good for your
(40:44):
kids, it's even better for yourkids.
Don't be the one to first pullaway, but if it's good for your
kids, it's even better for yourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
I will tell you, many of your relationships will
improve if you stop being thefirst one to pull away.
You will experience somethingdifferent in those moments and
in those connections.
Now, if you're both playingthat game, it could take a while
.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
And now if you're both playing that game.
It could take a while.
You're both listening to thispodcast.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
But you know, even if it's just extending that hug or
that kiss just a little bitlonger, yeah.
Makes a difference.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
Yeah, and just find ways to touch more.
You know we just kind ofalready alluded to this.
But sit closer to each other,Hold hands, Touch when you pass
in the house, I mean in public,stand next to one another, you
know, put your hand in his armor have him, you know, put his
(41:37):
hand on her back.
I mean just the little ways totouch.
That alone builds places ofconnection ways to touch.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
that alone builds places of connection.
Yes, in general, it's probablyhelpful just to stop and think
about the ways that your spousetends to reach out to you.
How do they initiate connection, for example, if your spouse is
the one who's constantlyconnecting and asking questions
of you, maybe stop and thinkabout a couple or a small list
(42:07):
of open-ended questions that youcould ask.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
You engage them.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Yeah, you engage them with some questions.
Maybe just one question.
If you, I'll tell you.
If you, if this is the way thatyour spouse connects and you
don't, you will blow their mind.
If you just come up with onequestion every week and ask that
question, you will blow theirminds and they will be into it,
(42:34):
I can tell you.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Yeah.
Or if your spouse connects withphysical touch, you be the one
to initiate that hug, initiatethat kiss.
To initiate that hug, initiatethat kiss, and not just in a I
got to check this off my to-dolist kind of way, but in a
really meaningful way.
Lean into it, Men.
Make it last a few more secondslonger than usual.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Take a moment, and again, this is another way to
really make those connections.
But just take a moment to offergratitude and praise for your
spouse, compliment them forsomething that they did well
today is another way to reallymake those connections.
But just take a moment to offergratitude and praise for your
spouse, compliment them forsomething that they did well
today, congratulate them foraccomplishments, even small
things, that they'veaccomplished today.
You know, hey, you got thelaundry done, or you, you made
it to work on time, or you, youknow, whatever it is, um, even
(43:21):
small things, you kept thelittle people alive today
everybody's alive at the end ofthe day, Right?
I mean thank them for somethingthat they did for you.
That is a huge way to buildconnection and turn toward one
another.
It helps you feel like you'reon the same team when you're
getting those compliments andthat gratitude.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Right, I mean whether your rejections have been
intentional or unintentional.
We're challenging you tochallenge yourself to be more
open to bids for connection.
Learn to turn towards, ratherthan turning away from your
spouse in the big things, butespecially in the seemingly
(44:02):
small, especially in theseemingly small, what you might
think of as insignificant waysthat can be huge places for
connection.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
Life is built on these small moments.
Relationships are really, forsure, built on those kinds of
small moments, so it's probablyno surprise that TikTok
relationship tests are not validor helpful measurements of the
strength of your relationship.
Right, so you can stoppanicking if your spouse failed
the strawberry test or the moonphase test or whatever, and I'm
(44:35):
confident that you, ourlisteners, are smarter than that
.
Again, a better test to askyourself is would I pass the
orange peel test or the birdtest?
Perhaps stated moreintelligently, though, am I
inclined to turn toward or toturn away from my spouse?
That's the real question.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
Right.
Does my spouse feel like I havea genuine interest in them and
their wellbeing, or do they feeldisconnected, rejected or
lonely?
Be brave and actually ask yourspouse that question?
Speaker 1 (45:11):
That's right.
That is a good question to askNow.
We could go on and on, but whatif I'm the one who's feeling
rejected?
Well, I would tell you if, evenif that's the case and it's
maybe true that you are beingrejected, just like your spouse,
maybe, is feeling rejected aswell I'll just I would just
(45:31):
point out to you reconnectioncan only happen if one of you
starts moving towards the other.
You'll never close the gap ifone of you doesn't turn around,
and that might as well be youthe one who turns around.
Sometimes, our spouse starts toturn away because they got
tired of being rejected by me,and that's another kind of place
(45:53):
to look in the mirror.
If they sense that you areturning around, though, if they
sense that you are starting totry to move back towards them,
that may help them be willing tostart making some effort to
make a move towards you as well.
But if you're waiting for yourspouse to put in more effort,
(46:14):
then you are the one who isperpetuating the coldness and
the resentment.
Unless you are moving towardsyour spouse, you are
contributing to the problem, andso your selfless effort to turn
toward your spouse and to servethem will very often be the
spark that reignites thatpassion and that connection,
(46:34):
that intimacy, that fulfillmentin your relationship.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
All right, Matt, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1 (46:42):
If you really want to test your relationship, pick up
a mirror, not a microscope.
Only you can change.
You Turn towards rather thanturning away from your spouse by
making and receiving bids forconnection and, whether your
prior rejections have beenintentional or unintentional,
(47:03):
challenge yourself to see and tolean into those bids for
connection from your spouse.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and
head to your kitchen table tohave the conversation about bids
for connection.
Ask your spouse how often theyfeel like you are catching or
missing their bids forconnection.
How often do they feel likethey have your full attention or
not?
Speaker 1 (47:29):
We'd love to hear your feedback and your bird
stories.
Contact us by emailing podcastat intimate covenantcom or to
submit anonymous feedback andquestions, go to intimate
covenantcom slash podcast andclick the button Contact the
podcast for an anonymoussubmission form.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We are truly humbled by allyour encouragement and support.
Thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us.
Subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
Hey, Jen want to take a TikTok relationship test.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Uh, that's a test you are certain to fail Great.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Today on the podcast, we're talking about what you
might actually learn about yourrelationship if you take the
latest viral relationship tests.
Let's do it.
Welcome friends.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Welcome.
We're Matt and Jen, and this isthe Intimate Covenant podcast
where we believe the Bible andgreat married sex belong on your
kitchen table.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Have you ever said the tagline before?
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Not publicly, but there's a first for everything.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
We are talking about godly marriage with hot sex and
emotionally fulfilling oneness.
This is, as Jen announced, theIntimate Covenant podcast.
Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Thanks for being here .
Speaker 1 (00:53):
If you're looking for more information about Intimate
Covenant.
If this is your first time tothe podcast, welcome Thank you
for being here.
You can find out more aboutIntimate Covenant and Matt and
Jen.
That's us at our website,intimatecovenantcom, and, as
always, we invite yourparticipation and your feedback
to the podcast.
If there's something you'd likeus to cover, if there's
(01:16):
something that we get wrong orright, let us know.
Podcast at IntimateCovenantcom.
So if you're on social media atall, you've probably seen the
viral relationship tests and Iam not on a lot of social media,
but I did get into this alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
You dug, you dug into it, you dug into the
relationship test.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I found all kinds of relationship tests on TikTok and
other social media platforms,including the water test, the
strawberry test, the DavidBeckham test, the forest test
and the moon phase test.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Oh my, maybe you have heard of some of these, maybe
you've even taken some of thesetests, or perhaps you've
challenged your spouse with someof these.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Yes, more likely, you've challenged your spouse
with some of these.
I'm just going to bursteveryone's bubble right now.
You won't be surprised to findout that most of these tests are
as reliable and as helpful asthe.
What, disney, princess, are youtests?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
What did you take that test?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Never taken that test .
I've also never been sortedinto a Harry.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Potter.
You don't even know the name.
I don't even know what thatmeans.
Yeah, it's probably not veryreliable when it comes to the
health of your relationship, butis there something that we
could learn from some of thesesocial media trends?
That's the question.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
That's the question and another question we're going
to answer.
Are Matt and Jen too old to betalking about viral TikTok
trends?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Considering I've never actually gone on to TikTok
, the answer is probably yes,probably yes.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
But before we get into the meat of the episode, we
certainly want to make a coupleof announcements.
First of all, as we continue toannounce, the retreat is
happening.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Yes, our annual marriage retreat.
This year it's happeningSeptember 19th through the 21st.
That's held here in the Houstonarea, northwest Houston area,
and right outside of thewoodlands Houston area,
northwest Houston area and rightoutside of the woodlands, and
we do have a few, as in a smallhandful of spots remaining.
So if you are at all on thefence you're considering coming,
(03:36):
we can still take you, but theclock's ticking.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
The clock is definitely ticking and we
certainly want you there, soplease register if you want to
come.
You can reserve your spot forjust $200 deposit and pay the
rest down the road.
But definitely get on that ifyou want to join.
We are running out of room.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Where do they go to join Matt or to get more
information?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Yes, of course, IntimateCovenantcom slash
retreat.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
There it is.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
That'll get you all the information.
If you just want moreinformation, you want to learn
more about what to expect, gothere or just email us.
We'll be glad to talk to youabout it.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yes.
The other thing we want toannounce is that we have once
again been honored, been askedto participate in the Dating
Divas Marriage Bundle.
This is our Participate in theDating Divas.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Marriage Bundle.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
This is our third, third year, third year, third
year to be contributors to theDating Divas Marriage Bundle.
If you've been with us at all,then you've heard us talk about
this the past two years.
But Dating Divas is a greatwebsite.
Just in general provides a lotof amazing resources.
Great resources to help keepthe fun in your marriage.
(04:46):
Yes, but they once a year puttogether a marriage bundle.
They invite lots of differentcontributors to contribute, all
sorts of contributors who aremuch more fun than we are much
smarter than we are, but somehowwe get lumped into that and
we're honored to be asked tocontribute to that bundle.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But they put together a bundle of resources that's
worth easily over $400.
And they sell it all for like20 bucks.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
It's going to be cheap.
That will go live on June 17ththis year.
We have contributed a brand newe-course that we have put
together.
Yes, drum roll, yes.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
A brand new e-course that we put together yes, drum
roll, yes.
A brand new e-course.
We are calling this e-courseMake Better Connections.
Understand what your spouseneeds and why you sometimes miss
.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
So it's worth the cost of the marriage bundle just
to get our e-course.
How do you like that?
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I mean we would think so, but it's a nice little
course, including someconversation starters, for you
and your spouse to really kindof dig deep into sometimes the
conflict that you're having andwhy you're having the conflicts
and how to reframe thoseconflicts into an opportunity
for growth.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
And speaking of e-course the e-ourse we created
for last year's marriage bundleit is for sale on our website.
We have not done a very goodjob of promoting that, but if
you're curious about what wemean when we say an eCourse, go
to our website and you can findit there.
That one was titled.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
What Does Sex Mean to my Spouse, that's the one yeah
Uh also, yeah, also, hopefully,I think, pretty insightful and
again, it is a tool to helpgenerate some very helpful
conversations, maybe someconversations you, I would
expect, some conversations youmaybe have never had with your
spouse.
Um, so that again worth it itsweight in gold when you have
(06:44):
those conversations with yourspouse that you've never had
before.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
So all of that can be is available on our website
instrumentcovenantcom.
All right, matt, let's get intotoday's episode.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
So viral TikTok videos and relationship tests
let's be clear.
Relationship tests.
Let's be clear Most of theserelationship tests are bogus
attempts to evaluate yourspouse's loyalty and or
devotedness.
They are motivated almostentirely by jealousy and
(07:17):
selfishness and fear.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
At least, that's what they prey on, and the results
are baseless and truly unhelpfulyeah, they're pretty much
nothing but clickbait and Ithink most people know that and
yet it's pretty temptingsometimes to click on them,
right sure I mean.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
That said, a lot of us do those kind of things out
of fun and we don't put a lot ofstock in the results, but I
think it's important to clarifyfrom the beginning that we're
not promoting these but I dothink I mean I kind of dug into
this probably more than I shouldhave, because it was becoming
(07:57):
great research for this podcast,Matt, including viral tick.
No, it was, it wasn't ours.
Thanks for the research media.
No, it was, it wasn't hoursthanks for the research, yeah
but it wasn't ours.
But it was fun and interestingand I just have to share some of
these with you guys because youguys are maybe are younger than
us and maybe, on social media,more than us, maybe you're the
(08:20):
target audience for these things, but I wanted to share some of
these because I just thoughtthey were so crazy.
I could not believe where theycome up with this stuff.
So one of the relationshiptests I came across is called
the strawberry test.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Okay, I like a strawberry.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Well then, you're going to fail this test.
Oh no, the strawberry test is aseries of four questions which
are supposedly and I I emphasizethe word supposedly, uh, a
psychological evaluation of yourspouse's loyalty.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
So all from a strawberry, okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
So you ask your spouse these four questions.
The first one is you're on awalk and you spot a field of
strawberries, You're hungry andonly a fence stands between you
and the berries.
How high is the fence?
Speaker 2 (09:06):
what I'm supposed to just tell you what I don't
answer this question, not live,at least you.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Number two.
You go into a field and startto steal the berries.
How many?
Speaker 2 (09:18):
do you eat okay?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
suddenly the farmer appears and starts yelling.
What do you say in your defense?
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
After the situation is over how did the berries
taste and how did you feel aboutstealing them?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Oh my, and all of these questions are evaluating
our marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Yes, because guess what?
The height of the fencesymbolizes your level of
self-control, preventing youfrom cheating.
Oh goodness, yeah, don't answerthese questions.
Oh goodness, yeah, don't answerthese questions.
The number of strawberries issupposedly the number of people
that you could love at the sametime.
Oh my, your defense to thefarmer is the excuse you would
(09:57):
use to cheat on your partner,and the way you felt after the
whole ordeal is over, uh, is howyou'd feel when you think back
on an affair wow pretty neatokay that's pretty ridiculous
yes, uh, so, yeah.
So, jen, how many strawberrieswould you eat?
I'm not gonna answer that nowyou see, I don't even like
(10:21):
strawberries, so what does thateven say about me?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I think you passed Better than me, I guess, but
yeah, the correlations here arejust mind-blowing Strawberry
test.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
So another one is called the forest test.
All right, so the forest testis another quote, deeply
psychological set of questionsasking your spouse to envision
themselves in a forest.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Number one.
What is the first animal yousee?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
I'm too afraid to answer Number two what is the
second animal you see?
Speaker 1 (10:52):
You're walking in a forest and then you see a hut.
Do you bypass it, knock beforegoing in or just crash it?
You see a jug.
How much water is in it?
Half full or none?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Goodness, that's a busy forest.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Yes, so, again, the deeply psychological questions
can be analyzed supposedly,apparently allegedly and the
first animal is supposed torepresent yourself, all right,
whatever the second animalrepresents your spouse, yourself
, whatever the second animalrepresents your spouse, and they
(11:29):
have different meetings for allthe different forest animals
and what that says about you andyour spouse.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Oh yeah, you get the decoder ring.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
I guess the hut represents their level of
commitment to the relationship.
Oh, like how, how aggressivelywould you enter the?
Speaker 2 (11:42):
hut, oh, and what happens if I pass it?
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Yeah, exactly.
And then the jug represents howmuch love you feel in the
moment.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Half full or half empty.
Babe, that jug was full.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Okay, so again Forest test.
I mean, you can see why thesetests are so popular because
they just feel so deeplyinsightful and structured in a
way that you just get such true,honest feedback.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
I am clearly not the targeted audience, if that's
what I'm supposed to be feeling.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Yeah, same.
Then finally, and there's manymore, but there's just one more
that's still good, okay, it'scalled the moon phase test.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Okay, tick tock, even like integrated an app to help
people take this moon oh no, youknow, that's where the hackers
exist, honey, when you click onthe app.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Yeah, that's how the russians are going to get us, or
chinese, I guess.
Um, so here's the thing.
You're supposed to look up thephase of the moon when you and
your spouse were born, oh, whenyou each were born, obviously,
unless you're born the same day.
But the phase of the moon I betthat says something.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
And when your spouse very good or very bad, yes, okay
, well here you go.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So the closer these phases align uh-huh, the more
likely it is that you're goingto be soulmates.
Oh, so I'm soul.
I looked this up for us.
Good, I couldn't resist.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Turns out, our moon phases are exactly one week out
of alignment.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Oh, is that bad or good?
I?
Speaker 1 (13:12):
don't know what that means.
Jen was born under a full moon.
Oh, did you know that aboutyourself?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
What is that?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Does that say anything about you?
No, I don't think it does Okayabout you.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
no, I don't think it does okay, uh, I was born during
a waxing gibbous, oh, justbefore the third quarter.
Yeah, you lost me okay.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Interestingly, though , I have no idea what this means
about us.
Okay, it means that we're onequarter out of phase with each
other well does that describeour relationship in general?
Oh, next time there's, I'llremind you of the moon We'll
have to see what the I don'tknow what is the moon phase
right now?
Speaker 2 (13:49):
So Matt, this has been riveting content so far.
Where are we going with thisone?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Fun, true, but obviously ridiculous.
I mean it's it is not hard toimagine why these kinds of
things go crazy on the internet,though I don't know hard to
imagine why these kinds ofthings go crazy on the internet
though, because, no, I I thinkbecause they appeal to our
desire, as human beings, tooversimplify very complicated
dynamics right Now you'regetting, we are desperate, I
(14:17):
think, for both security anddrama at the same time, and
that's exactly where the thesethings come into play.
I will say, however, there aretwo tests, and this is really
what kind of triggered for methe whole deep dive into
relationship tests is.
There are, in fact, two teststhat caught my attention because
(14:38):
I think, at least on some smalllevel, they might actually have
something to do with reality.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yeah, I remember when you came across at least one of
these tests and you startedexplaining it to me and I was
like well, that sounds like apodcast.
Yeah, exactly so so here we are.
Are you curious what the testAre?
Speaker 1 (14:55):
you curious which ones?
Well, it's not the forest testor the moon phase test,
strawberries.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
But it does have to do with fruit.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
It does.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
It is the orange peel test.
Maybe you've heard of it, maybenot, but here's the test.
Is you, out of nowhere, askyour spouse to peel an orange
for you?
Just randomly, randomly.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Has nothing to do with anything that's happening
in the moment, will you?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
peel an orange for me , yes.
The test is supposedly that ifyour spouse does that for you
willingly, that suggests thatyour relationship is on solid
ground.
Okay, the reasoning is, atleast according to the expert
social media influencers.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Oh yeah, they're the experts.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Is that if your spouse is willing to do small,
meaningless and inconvenienttasks for you, then they must be
truly invested in you and inthe relationship.
Oh, okay, and the second test,the second one has nothing to do
with fruit, but it does have todo with birds.
Oh, you like birds, I do likebirds.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
This is what appealed to you.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
It's at least what caught my eye initially, that
this was about birds.
By the way, this bird test he'sabout to describe is like my
everyday life, so I'm alreadypast the bird test, that's
probably true, okay, but atleast as it is described, at
least as I saw it described inthe social media realms the bird
(16:24):
test, the tickety-tock yes, thebird test is when you stand at
a window, your spouse is in thesame room, but they are not
occupying the same closelocation.
Right, you're standing in theroom together and you are
staring out the window and youpoint out a bird that you see,
that is outside.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Are you supposed to find an actual bird, or do you
lie and pretend like?
Speaker 1 (16:46):
that.
Well, you're going to have todeal with your own conscious on
this.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Okay, you're stressing me out.
Okay, yes, you point out a bird, point out a bird.
And then what?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
And if your spouse responds with any degree of
interest, like, oh honey, whereor what kind of bird would that
be, hon?
What does that look like?
Or how did you learn so muchabout birds?
Whatever, If your spouseresponds with some degree of
interest, then there is a goodchance that your relationship is
(17:15):
on solid ground, according tothe internet relationship
experts, of course.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
There's a lot of them , all right, but of all the
crazy viral relationship teststhat you've come across, there
might be a little bit ofvalidity to these last two that
you just mentioned.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
I feel like these last two are at least loosely
based on some actual realscience and some sound reasoning
.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
So we're going to go there and if you are still
listening, if you've stuckaround, maybe we're going to
provide you some actual contenthere.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Okay, let's dig into this in a little bit more
serious nature, or at least in amore practical and helpful
nature.
When I refer to science, youcan't refer to relationship
science without referring toreally the pioneers of more
modern relationship research,and that is John and Julie
(18:11):
Gottman of the Gottman Institute.
They wrote a fantastic.
They've written several, many,many books.
One book that we canunequivocally recommend is
called the Seven Principles forMaking Marriage Work.
You haven't read that book.
You ought to.
It's very helpful, veryinsightful and based on really
their literal decades ofresearch, studying literally
(18:35):
hundreds of married couples ofresearch studying literally
hundreds of married couples.
But one of the most importantconcepts from their research
that they have determined overthe many, many hours of
examining and watching couples,one of the most important
concepts in determining thelong-term success of a marriage
(18:57):
is this idea of receiving andbidding for connection.
They use phrases like turningtowards or turning away from
your spouse and again, theGottmans have been doing this
for a very long time and theyuse phrases like making bids for
(19:18):
connection or turning towardsyour spouse.
This is all about extendingoffers for connection to your
spouse.
So one of you is throwing outthese bids for connection, such
as hey, there's a bird outside.
There, you go, it's a bid forconnection.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
So physically this can look like a kiss or an offer
for a hug or snuggle or a paton the back, like a purposeful
touching of your spouse.
And it's also verbal.
It can look like an offer for aconversation like how was your
day?
Or what are you thinking, orlook at this bird right.
It is expressing a desire toconnect, whether that's physical
or verbal.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Yeah, absolutely.
And specifically in some oftheir research they published in
one long-term study that theydid of newlyweds.
So they took dozens, literallydid of newlyweds.
So they took dozens, literallyof newlyweds.
They studied them and then sixyears later they did some
follow-up, like who is stillaround, who is still together,
who is happily married, who'sdivorced, who's not happily
(20:32):
married.
And after the six years whatthey found is the couples that
stayed married to each otherwere the couples who initially
were turning toward one another.
An average of 86% of the time.
So 86% of the time when onecouple made a bid for connection
(20:54):
, the other couple respondedpositively to that bid for
connection.
Couples that divorced six yearslater averaged only 33% of the
time.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Which, when you put it in the terms of percentages
like that, it makes you thinkwhat would be the percentage in
my marriage?
Speaker 1 (21:16):
that's exactly what I'm getting at like.
What does that look like in my,in my marriage?
Am I hearing, am I respondingto in a positive way my partners
, my spouses, bids for myconnection?
Am I doing that nine out of tentimes or am I ignoring some of
those?
Right am I only responding to33%?
(21:38):
Am I only responding three outof 10 times?
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Right, because what the Gottman's found is that
successful couples turn towardseach other far more often than
not.
And by turning toward oneanother that means that you
acknowledge and engage that bidfor connection.
You don't just ignore it, youdon't just let it drop, that you
(22:02):
actually acknowledge it.
And again, whether that'sphysically or verbally, yeah,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
And spouses?
The other part of thisrelationship or this research,
is that spouses in successfulmarriages frequently make bids
for connection and theyfrequently respond to their
partner's bids.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
So they're doing both sides of the work.
They're doing the pursuing andthe responding, and they're
exactly, and they're doing itfrequently.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
They're not just going three weeks before they
engage a conversation with eachother.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
These spouses are interested in each other and
frequently engaging with oneanother.
That's what the Gottman's foundmakes for a successful couple.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Exactly, so we can say, I think, with at least some
validity, that, based on theGottman's research, there is at
least some truthfulness orsomething that is true about the
bird test and the orange peeltest, at least on some
superficial level, because ineach of those tests, you are
(23:05):
supposedly gauging yourpartner's willingness to respond
to a bid for connection, andthat's what's being tested there
Now.
Is a?
Is a bird and an orange peelthe best way to assess your
partner's interest in you?
That's maybe anotherconversation, but at least it
(23:26):
invites some conversation.
It invites some importantconversations, I think, about
the value of making thesefrequent small connections in
our relationships.
It's not about the one big thingthat you did for your spouse
this week.
It's about making thosefrequent bids, and by hearing,
and also hearing and respondingto their bids for connections.
(23:48):
So what I would suggest, thoughrather than using these 10,
rather than stopping the podcastright now, and like going and
testing your spouse, rather thanusing these tests, rather than
stopping the podcast right now,and like going and testing your
spouse, rather than using thesetests to gauge the strength of
your relationship, I wouldsuggest that these general
concepts are best used tochallenge my own personal
(24:12):
behaviors and attitudes.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
I need to be testing myself.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yes, and that's where we flip this on its head Right.
So in other words, these testsmake a better mirror than a
microscope.
Don't use these tests to accuseyour spouse.
Instead, use these tests to,frankly, prick your own heart.
Right Now.
That's a lot harder.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
There's a reason why that's not on TikTok.
It's much easier to it's notTikTok, I can't do that?
Speaker 2 (24:41):
No, not.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
TikToks, that's breath mints TikTok.
But if you're only accusingyour spouse, you stand a very
good chance of simply causingfurther division.
If you're using these tests tojust trip your spouse up or
catch them in some kind ofguiltiness or whatever it might
(25:02):
be, you're only promotingdivision in that relationship
rather than in healing.
So we know this right, we allknow and we preach this all the
time.
Practically speaking, you canonly change yourself right right
.
So these kinds of tests thatfocus on my spouse's
shortcomings are rarely helpful,and they never realistically
(25:25):
assess the nuances of your ownrelationship dynamic.
They only tell you aboutoranges and about birds.
They don't tell you a lot moreabout what's actually happening
in your relationship, becauserelationships are just they're
just far more complicated thanjust a single narrow moment in
time.
Right, and so your spousedeserves a little bit more
(25:48):
benefit of the doubt than that.
They may not be able to peel anorange, or they may just simply
hate birds.
They love you, but they mayhate birds.
So you know there's too manyvariables that these tests don't
account for.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Well, and so I think, instead, a better test is one
that examines your own selfinwardly.
So the question is not howwould my spouse respond, but how
would I respond Exactly, it'snot how would my spouse respond,
but how would I respond.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
If my spouse tried to interrupt my personal time with
a comment about a bird?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
in our backyard?
Absolutely.
How would my spouse respond?
Sorry, how would I respond tomy spouse's request to peel an
orange for them?
I mean, like, what if theyasked me right as I was sitting
down on the couch to watch thegame?
What if they asked me to peelan orange or go to the window to
look at a bird, right as I wasin the middle of my favorite
(26:46):
Netflix show?
Would I be willing to stop whatI was doing in order to see to
their interests and respond totheir bid for connection it?
Speaker 2 (26:59):
might be easy to you know, cast it aside like, well,
that's a.
That would just be so stupid tobe called to the window to look
at a bird or be asked to peelan orange.
But you know, beside that,think about this more deeply.
What does it look like to turntoward or turn away from my
(27:22):
spouse?
How often do I do both of those?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
And how can I do a better job of maximizing
positive responses that thenultimately help build a solid
relationship and intimacy in mymarriage?
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Right, and I think one place this conversation
maybe should go is to recognizethat I may be rejecting my
spouse more often than I evenrealize, because sometimes
rejection is unintentional.
Sometimes I just simply rejecta bid without even realizing
(27:59):
that's what I've done.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
And sometimes I do that because I'm just simply not
speaking the same language thatthey're speaking, right?
We've you've probably heard ofthe five love languages and a
lot, of, a lot of hysteria wasmade of that book when it came
out several years ago.
Hysteria was made of that bookwhen it came out several years
ago, and the concepts are true,probably to some extent, that we
(28:26):
, we um feel and express lovedifferently than others, each of
us individually, and that'sespecially true of spouses.
Some of us connect best withwords, some of us connect best
with actions.
Some of us want to connect withwords or conversation or touch
or sex, or some of us justsimply deeply appreciate acts of
service.
(28:47):
There's a lot of ways that werelate to each other.
There's a lot of ways that wefeel love and that we express
love.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
And sometimes we are rejecting our spouse
unintentionally, because they'reexpressing their love in a way
that I'm just not as naturallyinclined to, and so I'm missing
the fact that they are puttingout that bid for connection in a
different language, if you will, than what I'm drawn to.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Absolutely and absolutely.
And you know a lot.
A lot of times weunintentionally reject our
spouse because we just don'tappreciate the importance of the
language that my spouse isusing right they're trying to
initiate connection in a placeand I just don't really feel
like it's that important.
How could it it be thatimportant?
(29:37):
I mean, if your spouseinitiates a conversation, even
if it's about birds or honeybees, they're trying to share
something with you that is farmore important in that moment
than just some specific, boringpiece of information.
They're trying to buildconnection with that.
They're trying to connect withyou on some level and often we
(29:58):
just don't realize that it's.
We don't think, we don'tappreciate.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
We don't value that moment of you know them seeking
connection.
I mean a quick kiss or a simple, you know touch, a request for
a touch that might seem reallyinsignificant.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Or even inconvenient, exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
But to my spouse it probably means much more.
I mean, if they've initiated,that alone tells me this means
something for them and thereforeit's important to them and I
need to make it important to me.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
You know, I don't need tobecome a professional
ornithologist.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
Oh good.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
That's a someone who studies birds, right.
If my spouse wants to talkabout birds, I don't have to
become a professional in that.
I just simply need to engage inthat simple moment of their joy
when they saw that paintedbunting at the bird feeder.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
That would make your day, wouldn't it?
Speaker 1 (31:01):
That would be pretty amazing.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
In reality, it's not much investment to really
celebrate my spouse's interest.
It's not much investment.
It doesn't require that much tolean into a quick hug or a kiss
.
And yet, most of the time time,how do we respond to that?
(31:23):
You know, I think we've got tostop and recognize what are we
doing with our spouses yeah,it's for connection.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
And if I really viewed it in the sense that you,
you know I'm rejecting myspouse, I probably would take it
more seriously right, and wedon't think of it, though, as
being that serious.
I'm not doing it on purpose,but often I just have to step
outside of my own world and stepoutside of my own interests so
that I can see my spouse better.
(31:51):
I need to retrain myself tohear their bids for connection
and make that little bit ofextra effort to connect in that
moment.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah, so sometimes those rejections are
unintentional.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
We're just not recognizing the importance of
those moments, but probably formost of us.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
most of the time they're unintentional, and I
think that's probably where mostof us have the most work to do
right, but sometimes, though,rejection is intentional and
that's the darker side ofourselves that sometimes we
don't really want to confront oror acknowledge yeah, if you
stop and think about you know myspouse asking me to peel an
(32:34):
orange, it maybe says something.
If my first answer is what?
Why that's?
Speaker 1 (32:39):
stupid.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
That's so stupid.
You're more than capable ofdoing that.
Why would you want me to dothat?
That hurts, right.
It hurts to think about what'smy reaction.
And is my rejection to that bidfor connection actually
intentional.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Oh yeah, I mean, we hear the request, we see the
invitation, we understand whatit means to them, we know what
our spouse is asking for andwhat they want, what they desire
, sometimes what they need, andyet we avoid the eye contact, we
ignore the need, we dismiss theconversation with just a flat
(33:16):
one-word response.
These kinds of rejections areentirely due to a self-centered
mindset.
Right, I mean to be to be fair,that even the most generous
person like Jen has some periodsof self-focus.
Some of us are just simply moreselfish than others, right, but
(33:39):
I would encourage all of us totake some moments to reflect on
what are the ways that my spouseis reaching out to me.
How do they like to initiateconnection with me?
Speaker 2 (33:54):
And am I missing opportunities to connect?
And why?
Why am I missing those bits?
How can I do a better job ofseeing those bids?
Speaker 1 (34:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, what are some ways Ican do a better job?
What are some better ways thatI can better respond to my
spouse to make them feel moreconnected and more validated?
What is keeping me from beingable to catch their bids for
connection?
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Well, yeah, I mean, that alone is a great question.
Is it that I'm too busy withwork, too busy with kids, too
busy with other responsibilities?
Is it that I just I view myselfas too busy because I haven't
prioritized making thoseconnections?
Speaker 1 (34:42):
I'm just distracted by too many other things.
Uh, am I?
And another part of this?
Again, everything is way morenuanced than an orange peel.
Um, am I bitter against myspouse due to past conflicts or
due to the fact that I feel likethey've been rejecting my bids,
(35:02):
right, and so I'm holdingmyself back to avoid engaging
with them?
Um, in any way?
So there's lots of reasons whywe do these things.
We are not always as altruisticas we would like to believe
that we might be.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Often, we have some sinister motives but I think
it's so healthy for us to stopand think how many bids am I
missing, both intentionally andunintentionally?
And it's interesting to me thatthe Gottman's research wasn't
really about missing the in.
You know, intentionally missingversus unintentionally missing.
(35:40):
It was just about missing thebids or catching the bids,
whether that's intentional orunintentional.
So even that unintentional missof a bid can have a really
negative effect.
Therefore I need to prioritizewatching for when my spouse
makes that bid for connection.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Yeah, absolutely Absolutely.
So let's talk about just somepractical ways to turn towards
your spouse.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
What are some ways that we can better do a better
job, some practical ways toreally put this into practice in
our own response, and I kind ofalluded to one of these earlier
, and that is when your spouseasks you a question, a one word
response is almost neversufficient to get where they're
going.
It's never, it's never helpful,it's never connecting, at the
(36:37):
very least it's never going tobuild relationship.
If your spouse asks you how wasyour day and you say fine, yeah
.
No connection happened there.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
I mean we all understand, like when you get a
fine like that, it doesn't makeyou feel anything right Warm or
fuzzy, especially.
I mean you didn't learnanything.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
Right.
Or your spouse tells yousomething that happened today,
like you know little Johnny, youknow little johnny, I don't
know, did something, uh, today,and your response is huh yeah,
cool, that again no connectionwas made there.
Instead, you could instead of aone-word response, you could
say tell me more about that, orhow did that make you feel, or
(37:20):
what was your favorite part ofyour day.
Those kinds of open-endedresponses now lead to a chance
for both of you to sharesomething in that moment Share
words, share experiences, sharefeelings, share emotion.
And that is how you buildconnection.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Right, and another, I think, way to turn towards one
another, and you talk aboutsharing is sharing eye contact.
Oh good, make eye contact andmake eye contact.
Often, eye contact isincredibly vulnerable, um, and
we've talked about that beforeon a previous podcast there's a
whole episode on it.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
We did?
Speaker 2 (37:58):
we did, but I thought it was.
I mean, as we were preparingthat episode, I remember
thinking, oh, he's making eyecontact with me way more than
normal and I don't know what todo with that.
It is very vulnerable and werecognize that when you're upset
at someone, even subtly, that'sone of the first physical signs
(38:20):
.
You just don't really want tomake that eye contact.
So turn towards your spouse bymaking yourself make eye contact
with them.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Right.
Another great way to make moreconnections and turn toward your
spouse is to turn everythingelse off, right?
Turn off your phone, put itdown, turn off the TV show, turn
off the ball game, turn off thelaundry, even turn off the
things that are distracting youfrom being able to connect and
(38:50):
hear your spouse.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Well, and that's all about priorities right.
Yeah, and literally turn toward, turn toward your spouse.
Body language says everything.
Yep, be willing to actuallyface your spouse.
Actually occupy the same space.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Yeah Say, put yourself in close proximity,
right?
It's much easier to connect ifyou're both sitting beside each
other on the couch or you'resitting beside each other at the
table, rather than across theroom from each other or in
separate rooms, right?
You can't hear bids forconnection.
You can't make bids forconnection if you're not in
proximity, right?
(39:28):
Another one is find some smalltasks to do for your spouse.
Yeah, particularly if yourspouse is just someone who is
always giving and doing for you.
Guess what?
That's probably how they'retrying to tell you that they
love you, how they're trying totell you that they love you, and
that's also how they will feellove and be appreciated.
Feel appreciated is if you dosome things for them.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Yeah, when your spouse asks for a favor, do it
right away.
Stop saying just a minute ifyou don't actually have to.
Would it really actually hurtyou to not catch that play in
the game so that you can helpyour spouse with whatever that
they're asking?
Speaker 1 (40:11):
you don't have to finish the viral relationship
test before you help your spouse.
You'd be better connected ifyou didn't right right, right.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
I think another great way to turn towards your spouse
is be willing to.
You know, we talked aboutengaging with one another
physically, but don't be thefirst to pull away from a kiss
or a hug.
That's a big one.
They say this is actuallyreally really good with your
kids.
Don't be the one to first pullaway, but if it's good for your
(40:44):
kids, it's even better for yourkids.
Don't be the one to first pullaway, but if it's good for your
kids, it's even better for yourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
I will tell you, many of your relationships will
improve if you stop being thefirst one to pull away.
You will experience somethingdifferent in those moments and
in those connections.
Now, if you're both playingthat game, it could take a while
.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
And now if you're both playing that game.
It could take a while.
You're both listening to thispodcast.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
But you know, even if it's just extending that hug or
that kiss just a little bitlonger, yeah.
Makes a difference.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
Yeah, and just find ways to touch more.
You know we just kind ofalready alluded to this.
But sit closer to each other,Hold hands, Touch when you pass
in the house, I mean in public,stand next to one another, you
know, put your hand in his armor have him, you know, put his
(41:37):
hand on her back.
I mean just the little ways totouch.
That alone builds places ofconnection ways to touch.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
that alone builds places of connection.
Yes, in general, it's probablyhelpful just to stop and think
about the ways that your spousetends to reach out to you.
How do they initiate connection, for example, if your spouse is
the one who's constantlyconnecting and asking questions
of you, maybe stop and thinkabout a couple or a small list
(42:07):
of open-ended questions that youcould ask.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
You engage them.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Yeah, you engage them with some questions.
Maybe just one question.
If you, I'll tell you.
If you, if this is the way thatyour spouse connects and you
don't, you will blow their mind.
If you just come up with onequestion every week and ask that
question, you will blow theirminds and they will be into it,
(42:34):
I can tell you.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Yeah.
Or if your spouse connects withphysical touch, you be the one
to initiate that hug, initiatethat kiss.
To initiate that hug, initiatethat kiss, and not just in a I
got to check this off my to-dolist kind of way, but in a
really meaningful way.
Lean into it, Men.
Make it last a few more secondslonger than usual.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Take a moment, and again, this is another way to
really make those connections.
But just take a moment to offergratitude and praise for your
spouse, compliment them forsomething that they did well
today is another way to reallymake those connections.
But just take a moment to offergratitude and praise for your
spouse, compliment them forsomething that they did well
today, congratulate them foraccomplishments, even small
things, that they'veaccomplished today.
You know, hey, you got thelaundry done, or you, you made
it to work on time, or you, youknow, whatever it is, um, even
(43:21):
small things, you kept thelittle people alive today
everybody's alive at the end ofthe day, Right?
I mean thank them for somethingthat they did for you.
That is a huge way to buildconnection and turn toward one
another.
It helps you feel like you'reon the same team when you're
getting those compliments andthat gratitude.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Right, I mean whether your rejections have been
intentional or unintentional.
We're challenging you tochallenge yourself to be more
open to bids for connection.
Learn to turn towards, ratherthan turning away from your
spouse in the big things, butespecially in the seemingly
(44:02):
small, especially in theseemingly small, what you might
think of as insignificant waysthat can be huge places for
connection.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
Life is built on these small moments.
Relationships are really, forsure, built on those kinds of
small moments, so it's probablyno surprise that TikTok
relationship tests are not validor helpful measurements of the
strength of your relationship.
Right, so you can stoppanicking if your spouse failed
the strawberry test or the moonphase test or whatever, and I'm
(44:35):
confident that you, ourlisteners, are smarter than that
.
Again, a better test to askyourself is would I pass the
orange peel test or the birdtest?
Perhaps stated moreintelligently, though, am I
inclined to turn toward or toturn away from my spouse?
That's the real question.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
Right.
Does my spouse feel like I havea genuine interest in them and
their wellbeing, or do they feeldisconnected, rejected or
lonely?
Be brave and actually ask yourspouse that question?
Speaker 1 (45:11):
That's right.
That is a good question to askNow.
We could go on and on, but whatif I'm the one who's feeling
rejected?
Well, I would tell you if, evenif that's the case and it's
maybe true that you are beingrejected, just like your spouse,
maybe, is feeling rejected aswell I'll just I would just
(45:31):
point out to you reconnectioncan only happen if one of you
starts moving towards the other.
You'll never close the gap ifone of you doesn't turn around,
and that might as well be youthe one who turns around.
Sometimes, our spouse starts toturn away because they got
tired of being rejected by me,and that's another kind of place
(45:53):
to look in the mirror.
If they sense that you areturning around, though, if they
sense that you are starting totry to move back towards them,
that may help them be willing tostart making some effort to
make a move towards you as well.
But if you're waiting for yourspouse to put in more effort,
(46:14):
then you are the one who isperpetuating the coldness and
the resentment.
Unless you are moving towardsyour spouse, you are
contributing to the problem, andso your selfless effort to turn
toward your spouse and to servethem will very often be the
spark that reignites thatpassion and that connection,
(46:34):
that intimacy, that fulfillmentin your relationship.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
All right, Matt, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1 (46:42):
If you really want to test your relationship, pick up
a mirror, not a microscope.
Only you can change.
You Turn towards rather thanturning away from your spouse by
making and receiving bids forconnection and, whether your
prior rejections have beenintentional or unintentional,
(47:03):
challenge yourself to see and tolean into those bids for
connection from your spouse.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and
head to your kitchen table tohave the conversation about bids
for connection.
Ask your spouse how often theyfeel like you are catching or
missing their bids forconnection.
How often do they feel likethey have your full attention or
not?
Speaker 1 (47:29):
We'd love to hear your feedback and your bird
stories.
Contact us by emailing podcastat intimate covenantcom or to
submit anonymous feedback andquestions, go to intimate
covenantcom slash podcast andclick the button Contact the
podcast for an anonymoussubmission form.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We are truly humbled by allyour encouragement and support.
Thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us.
Subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!