July 15, 2024 • 37 mins
In this episode, Matt & Jenn compare the sexual relationship to a hurricane. Sex, like a hurricane, is a powerful, God-given force. While we can’t direct the path of a hurricane, quiet the gale-force winds, or suppress the rising waters, we do have control over the effects of sex in our own marriages.
- The forces of a hurricane are mostly destructive. But the power of sexual desire can be channeled to constructive, passionate and intimate relationship.
- The damage of hurricane-driven wind and water is unavoidable, but the damage of poorly planned sex is entirely preventable.
- When confronted by unexpected storms in your sex-life, use these challenges to further demonstrate your creativity and self-sacrificial love.
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Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, jen want to talk about a category five sex life.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
You're a natural disaster.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Great.
Today on the podcast, we'recomparing your sex life to a
hurricane.
Let's do it.
Welcome friends.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Welcome.
We're Matt and Jen, and this isthe Intimate Covenant.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Podcast when we believe the Bible and great
married sex both belong on yourkitchen table.
That's right.
We are talking about godlymarriage with hot sex and
emotionally fulfilling oneness.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Thank you for joining us as always.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
thanks for joining us on the podcast.
For more about IntimateCovenant, you can find out more
at our websiteIntimateCovenantcom.
And, as always, we certainlyalways appreciate your feedback,
your comments, your suggestions.
You can reach the podcast atpodcast at IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
That's right.
So, matt, this past week wehave survived a hurricane.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Literally, it has been a disaster, as in the
natural disaster type.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
The natural disaster type.
We used to live in SouthFlorida where hurricanes were a
little bit more expected, butthe hurricanes found us here in
the Houston Texas area.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
And I think, if I'm counting right, this is maybe
the fifth or sixth hurricaneeyewall that has gone directly
over my head in my lifetime.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Oh, maybe it says something about you, Matt.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
It might be something about me, but this is a good
number of hurricanes that we'vedealt with.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
We have definitely survived a lot of them.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
But after Hurricane Beryl, most of Houston and all
the surrounding area has beenand will continue to be without
power, electricity that is, forseveral days.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Yeah, and in Texas in July this means suffering in 90
plus degree temperatures, heatindex over 100 with unbearable
humidity.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Yeah, it's ridiculous y'all.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Ooh, you pulled out a y'all for that.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Yeah, for some, this means that we power up the
generator and we gather thefamily into a single room.
Single room yes, one singleroom, all of us spread out on
air mattresses and whateverother mattresses we have
available.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
With a small window AC unit.
We had some great familybonding time in the Schmidt
house.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
That's what we're going to call it.
Others may have some generousfriends who have electricity in
their home who might be willingto share hot weather and
creatively managed to survivewithout monitoring amenities
(02:47):
like the things that we're allaccustomed to, like air
conditioning, internet, hotshowers you know all of those
things, All the things we havequickly learned this week that
we were born in the correctcentury.
I'm not sure, we would havemade it.
Yes, but nevertheless we'remaking it, we're doing fine.
Fortunately, no one that I'maware of suffered any
(03:08):
catastrophic damage or just hada lot of inconvenience, lots of
inconvenience, for sure, butthis entire experience, however,
to your benefit, listeners,this entire experience prompted
a couple of questions from.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
we're going to call him an anonymous friend, it was
a pretty great text message.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
A great thread, so one of the questions is what is
the etiquette for post-naturaldisaster sex, when you're
staying at someone else's housebecause you have no power at
your home?
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And then a follow-up question If you are sharing one
bedroom with your kids, becausethat's where the AC is, is it
ethical to drug your kids sothat you can have sex with your?
Speaker 1 (03:52):
spouse.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Bet y'all don't get text messages like this.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
You've probably never gotten that one.
The other one that came throughwas which national weather
service warnings shouldnecessitate emergency sex so
that you and your spouse aresufficiently satisfied to last
through the possible naturaldisaster recovery period?
Does this start at hurricanewarnings or watches, or?
(04:20):
Tropical storm warnings orwatches, and if you can explain
the difference to me between awatch or a warning, then you
probably live on an ocean frontsomewhere.
Very true, what about?
But also then, what abouttsunami warnings or tornado
warnings?
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Or just a good old thunderstorm warning or a heat
advisory.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
I mean, where do you draw the line there in your
relationship?
These are important questionsthat maybe you've never
considered before.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Good questions that we're not actually going to
answer.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
We do not have the answers to these questions, but
it did get me thinking.
How is our sex life?
Like a hurricane.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Don't y'all wonder what happens in Matt's brain to
make him think that question?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Perhaps too many hurricanes going overhead.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh, before we hear your answer to that question,
Matt, we're all anxiouslyawaiting the answer.
A couple of announcements First.
We wanted to let you all knowone more time about the Kingdom
Singles event we're having herein the Houston area.
Um, obviously most of ourevents are geared towards
(05:29):
married couples, but we do havematerial that we love to present
to singles and we're getting todo it in our own backyard.
That'll be this coming Saturday, July 20th, at four o'clock PM.
We did have a venue change.
It's now at a place calledSycamore Coffee Company, but
every participant gets to comefor free and get a specialty
(05:52):
coffee.
So I mean, how cool is that?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
That's a win-win.
You do have to endure sittingthrough listening to us talk for
a few hours, but it will be fun.
There will be coffee, as Jenmentioned.
There will be lots of youngfolks to mingle with and meet.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Yeah, we are nearing capacity, but we do have a
little bit more room, just alittle.
So be sure to let yourunmarried adult friends know
about this event.
This event is geared for 20sand 30s-ish, so the older as in,
not high schoolers, notteenagers singles.
The older as in not highschoolers, not teenagers singles
(06:27):
.
Pre-registration is recommendedso you can find out more about
the event and the form topre-register at
IntimateCovenantcom.
Slash H-O-U singles.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
That's right.
If you have any questions, sendus an email.
Also big news.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Big news Drum roll that we don't have, but pretend
Pretend you hear a drum rollright now.
Tell us, Matt.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
The retreat our annual retreat, is sold out.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Sold out Soonest ever .
We have sold out the retreat.
Y'all sold it out in late June.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Yeah, in June we were sold out, literally.
In fact, we've sold out acouple of times because we had a
cancellation, and then we hadand then we sold out again, had
someone jump into that from ourwait list.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Yes, so, speaking of wait list, if you waited until
now and you're super bummed tohear that our retreat is sold
out and you still want to joinus, join our wait list.
Unfortunately, you never knowwhat might happen, and so if
your name is on.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There could be a natural disaster and cause some
people to cancel.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Hopefully not in the Houston area anymore, but join
our waitlist by signing up atour website, intimatecovenantcom
.
Slash retreat.
That's where you go to normallyregister, but now you'll find a
link for a waitlist there, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
And not ironically, jen and I spent the last weekend
mapping out all of the contentand the sessions all have coming
together, they all have titles,they all have that always makes
us feel good when we havetitles to the session.
We've got titles for thesessions.
We have a general idea of whatwe're doing and the content is
starting to gel together, sowe're very excited about that.
(08:04):
We've got some sessions titled.
One is titled the Responder'sDilemma.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
We also have another session titled Vulnerable
Pursuit.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And my favorite session title Make your Bed.
I wonder what that could beabout.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, we hope that teases your anticipation.
For those of you who areregistered to come to the
retreat, yeah, it's going to begreat.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
We're talking about learning better emotional and
sexual pursuit, how to be abetter pursuer.
We're learning about awakeningand cultivating that responsive
desire.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yeah, how to be a better responder.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
And we're talking about how to overcome all forms
of barriers to all forms ofintimacy.
So, really, looking forward tothis, we're very much getting
excited about the content.
We think it's going to be agreat set of.
It's going to be another greatretreat.
Yeah, great retreat.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
And we're starting our retreat.
We always have an annual I meana kickoff every year on
Thursday night, and this year wehave a special game night
curated specifically for thisyear's marriage retreat.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yeah, it's going to be fun, it's going to be
humorous, it's going to beinteractive and, should you
choose, to participate, and,best part, there's going to be
prizes.
There are prizes.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
All of our competitors and our attendees
will be excited by prizes, yepGame nights centered around
marital humor and comedy.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
It's going to be a good time.
It's going to be lots of fun.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Okay, Matt.
So before we made ourannouncements, you proclaimed
that sex is like a hurricane.
So, Phyllis, how?
Speaker 1 (09:44):
is sex like a hurricane.
I came up with a long list andI narrowed it down to four.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Oh, thank you for narrowing it down.
He's had a lot of time to thinkin the heat.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
In the heat.
So, again, heat stroke induced.
Ramblings aside, we'll see whathappens with this, but there's
at least four ways that I cameup with that compare a hurricane
to our sex life.
One of them is, I thinkimportantly, that, like a
hurricane, sex is better whenyou have prepared ahead of time.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Yeah, I mean when you're talking about facing a
hurricane.
We're very blessed in this dayand age that we've got a lot of
prep time right as it makes itsway across the ocean to us.
But you don't wait to go toWalmart when the winds pick up.
You don't wait to go to Walmartwhen the storm is already
blowing in.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
That's a bad idea.
Don't try to go get gas.
Don't try to go get water.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Don't try to go get groceries.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Yeah, when the wind is blowing, it's pretty much
late in the game.
Number one it's dangerous.
Yeah, right, it's dangerous,and just like a hurricane, sex
is messy, hurricanes are messy,and so if you prepare for that
mess ahead of time, then no onehas to sleep in the wet spot.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Very true Right.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Literally Right, literally.
If you talk about, if we'retalking about sex in this case,
you know that without lube thatyou're going to, perhaps you
could end up with all the wrongfeels.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Yeah, yeah, can't always rely on your body to do
what you think it should.
So, yeah, having some timeputting in the effort to have
prepared it definitely makes sexmuch more enjoyable.
Preparation makes livingthrough a hurricane more
enjoyable.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
It certainly does.
I mean, yes, there are a lot ofthings with hurricanes, just
like with sex, that areunexpected, but there definitely
are some things you you knowthat are going to happen and if
that's the case and you preparefor those eventualities, you put
yourself and your spouse in amuch better position to be able
to enjoy it without the mess,without the unnecessary
(12:02):
experiences.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Right.
If I wait until the last minuteto get ready, then I'm unlikely
to get what I need emotionally,physically or spiritually.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Yeah, exactly Again.
A hurricane is also much lessenjoyable without necessities
like food, water, dry shelter.
Yeah, it would be quiteunenjoyable to sit in the middle
of your driveway during ahurricane and or to starve in
the days following because youdid not make preparation.
(12:34):
And, just in a similar manner,sex itself is far less enjoyable
without things likeanticipation and arousal and
desire.
And so, if you're waiting untilyou're in the moment to start
thinking about, oh, how am Igoing to try to enjoy this or
how am I going to get throughthis?
(12:54):
It's a little late.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Well, I think we have allowed, you know, Hollywood,
Satan, whatever you want to callit to sell us the lie.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Is that the same?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
thing it might be To sell us the lie that you know
sex is just this spontaneousthing that just happens.
But that's not reality.
That is not true.
And sex you might havesometimes in your marriage where
you think that it wasspontaneous, as you say, matt,
all the time.
It was never actuallyspontaneous.
(13:24):
Somebody planned somethingright.
But if you together, as acouple, put in the time to
prepare for sex, whether that'sgetting yourself in that place
emotionally and mentally, ifyou're a responder, taking the
time to actually think about sex, to actually warm yourself up,
you know, as in dwelling on howdo I want to spend this special
(13:48):
time with my beloved.
That is very different than1030 pm after a long, hard day.
Hey, babe, you wanna you know,you're going to respond in a
very different way, and so right.
Putting in the time to actuallybe able to anticipate sex makes
it a much different experience.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Oh, by far Much more enjoyable for everyone.
And again, just like hurricanes, sex doesn't come out of
nowhere.
Right, you have time, youcertainly have the option, in
fact, for sex.
You know when it's going tohappen.
You can at least know when it'sgoing to happen.
You can make preparationaccordingly, you know.
(14:32):
Plus, if I wait until the lastminute to prep for a hurricane,
then I'm not going to be in anykind of position to be able to
help my neighbors and friends.
If I'm waiting until the day of, or hours before, to start
boarding my windows or gatheringthe things in off the porch, or
going to get food and water orwhatever other supplies, then
(14:55):
I'm not in a position to go makesure that my neighbors have
what they need, my friends, myfamily, to make sure that others
have what they need.
I am only then, in that moment,self-focused.
Likewise with sex if I don'tprepare myself ahead of time,
and likewise with sex if I don'tprepare myself ahead of time,
then I'm going to have lessability to offer my energy and
(15:16):
my passion to my spouse.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Oh good, we're going with spouse, not neighbors.
I was just making sure theanalogy ended in the right place
there.
Okay, yes, I'm with you, matt.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Yeah, we're going to have to be careful about our
analogy.
I guess, just like any analogy,it can maybe go too far.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
But I get your point, though, if, if it's, if there's
no prep, then it's simply allabout me and how I feel in that
exact moment, for good or forbad, right, it's all about me.
But with the right amount ofprep and just getting our bodies
(15:51):
and our minds and every otheraspect of our married sex life
ready for this experiencetogether, then we are that much
more able to care more aboutwhat our spouse thinks and feels
and what they're experiencingthan just simply I'm out to get
(16:12):
what I want out of thisexperience.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Precisely Again I'm with you, matt.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Look at me, I'm following along.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Are you getting the analogy?
I mean, I am Okay, so that wasthe first one.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Sex and hurricanes better when you've prepared Okay
.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Where do we go next?
All right, so also like ahurricane we go next, all right.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
So, also like a hurricane, sometimes sex
requires you to change yourplans.
Oh, now, this is a good one.
All of us in Houston know this.
Meteorologists are not gods andthey often get the forecast
wrong.
Yep, for instance, a weekbefore, maybe days even a few
days.
For instance, a week before,maybe days, even a few days,
(16:56):
even a few days before, thishurricane made landfall.
This was not a Houston storm.
This was a Texas-Mexicoborderline storm, maybe a Corpus
Christi storm, and then it allof a sudden became a Houston
storm, with the eye of thishurricane going.
The eye of this hurricane going.
I mean, they could not havedrawn a more perfect if you will
line across the most populatedareas of the Houston
(17:17):
metropolitan area.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Yes, all of Southeast Texas sure.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Direct hit, but that was not what was supposed to be
happening right.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
That was not in the forecast three or four days
ahead of time.
Yeah, so I'm with you onhurricanes often required you to
have to change your plan.
So again, life often throwscurve balls into the bedroom as
well.
Yeah, and that's a metaphorprobably for most of us.
I don't know what you guys doin your bedroom, but we don't
(17:47):
have, we're not playing catchgenerally.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Oh you're, you're scaring me here, but we're not
playing catch generally.
Oh you're scaring me here,honey, but I can say things like
illness, children, even naturaldisasters themselves.
Literally everything thataffects your life can and
probably will affect your sexlife.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Absolutely you cannot divorce your sex life from the
rest of what's happening life.
Absolutely you cannot divorceyour sex life from the rest of
what's happening.
And so everything that happensand causes unexpected stress or
trauma or just requires yourenergy in some way, anything
that is turning your attentionaway from your relationship, is
going to have a negative impacton your sex life.
(18:27):
So that causes us then to itforces us really to change our
expectations in many cases, orat least, if we don't change our
expectations in some cases,we're going to be even more
disappointed with that outcome.
Now, some challenges are shortterm.
Right.
You get the flu.
(18:48):
That's going to change yourlife for a few days, but that's
not going to really change yourlife, right.
But if you get cancer, that's abigger issue, that's a bigger
deal.
That's going to reallysubstantially impact your life,
and certainly your sex life, fora long time.
So these are, you know,financial devastations or, you
(19:12):
know, losing your job orwhatever it is.
All of these things cause youto change your plans, and I mean
like change your life plans in,like how and where you live and
what you do on a day-to-daybasis.
But they are also going tochange your plans in the bedroom
as well, yeah, and that has tobe considered.
That said, anytime there is achange of plans, this, the
(19:39):
bright side, is that this is anopportunity for creativity,
right?
So how many folks spent thelast several days without power,
sitting in their homes beingmiserable and being angry and
being resentful about thatcircumstance?
And how many families spentthat time doing things and
(20:03):
taking advantage of the timethat they would not have
otherwise had to be together andcertainly not otherwise have
had to be together, doing thingsto build and strengthen their
relationship?
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Sure, I mean, I think we all learned this during the
pandemic, right, Especially ifwe had some forced family time
that we were not anticipating.
That presents an opportunity,and so what are you going to do
with that?
Are you you know?
Are you going to let it deraileverything, or are you going to
(20:36):
see that as an opportunity toco-create something you hadn't
planned on, but something maybeeven better than what you had?
Many, many people learnedthrough the pandemic the
importance of family time thatthey simply had not put in the
effort to have.
You know, I think we alllearned a lot of lessons.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
So well, yes, and a lot of us learn the lessons and
then we forget them prettyquickly.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Well, that is very true, Right.
So learning to see this change,this force changed in your plan
as a place in which you couldpotentially create something
even better than what you had,man, that's a paradigm shift.
That's a hard mental shift tomake.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
It is.
It is, certainly it is.
All of us have difficulty withthis.
Sometimes it's really difficultto see the bright side of a
terrible situation and it's easyto lose sight of that,
especially if it's somethingthat's really substantially
impactful, and more impactfulthan just some bad weather for a
short time or losingelectricity for a few days.
(21:38):
But, for example, you know, ifyour, if illness or whatever has
caused you to have to have sexin a new way, try to find
meaning in the relationship thatyou are able to build from this
and the co-creativity, so tospeak.
Find meaning in that ratherthan in the sex position.
(22:01):
That's the thing, becausesuffering together, regardless
of what you're going through,suffering together with someone
else, especially with yourcovenant bound beloved,
suffering together is far betterthan just having to do it alone
.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Yeah, all right, whoa , that one got deep there, matt.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Wow, didn't really think we'd be going there.
This was supposed to be a lightand fun episode, but uh, let's
see if we can change it a littlebit.
So like a hurricane.
Also like a hurricane, sex willreveal your weaknesses.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
That is yeah, true, True, right.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
I mean the force of a hurricane will reveal
weaknesses in the mostcatastrophic ways.
Right, if your home, if yourtrees, if your power grid are
not strong enough, the naturalforces of a hurricane will cause
serious damage.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Yeah, we were driving around here this weekend with
the kids in the car and justcommenting like why does that
tree fall over versus that tree?
You know like what you wouldhave previously looked at these
two big, strong, seeminglyhealthy trees standing side by
side and think they're bothequally great and fine, and
(23:18):
there's trees toppled over thathave survived other hurricanes.
Right.
So what caused that tree versusthat tree to fall, and what
about?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
these circumstances caused this tree to fall over,
even though it has survived forhundreds of years, in some cases
Right so yeah, it's definitelygot to reveal the weaknesses,
and all of us that are withwe're without power.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
we have learned some lessons about the weaknesses in
the Houston Power Grid.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Yeah, there you go.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
We won't go there on this episode.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
But in the same way, the force of sexual desire and
the forces of sexualrelationship are immensely
powerful and to that point, mostcouples are going to experience
conflict in their relationshipover sexual issues, because sex
is such an integral and powerfulpart of who we are individually
(24:12):
and it's an incredibly powerfulpart of who we are as a married
couple.
And so then the issues in yourrelationship that have not been
dealt with are often going to bemanifested as sexual conflict
(24:36):
conflict.
So if you have issuesindividually or as a couple,
with sexual shame or previoustrauma or unresolved conflict in
your relationship, and even ifthese issues are maybe even
seemingly unrelated to sex, theissues that you have not dealt
with are going to manifest asbarriers to your sexual
relationship.
So I guess a simple summary ofthis is if you are having
(24:58):
trouble in the bedroom, youoften need to start looking
outside the bedroom for some ofthose solutions.
The answer sometimes todecrease sexual frequency in
your relationship is not thatyou need to start having more
sex right away.
That may be part of thesolution, but ultimately it
might point to the fact thatthere is some unresolved issues
(25:22):
in most other places in yourrelationship that have not been
dealt with.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Right, it's not about the sex positions, it's not
about the frequency.
It's not about the sexpositions.
It's not about the frequency.
It's often.
You know, your conflict inregards to your sexual
relationship with your belovedis almost always tied to
something that's happeningoutside your bedroom, absolutely
.
A lot of us are afraid to lookoutside the bedroom for the
(25:48):
answer.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
Well, we're just afraid to deal with it
altogether.
We feel like we can just, youknow, manage or ignore the fact
that it's our sex life, becausethat's, you know, that's not the
most important part.
We're just happy we're togetherand we're raising these kids
and trying to survive, and so wedon't, in the moment, pay a lot
of attention.
(26:09):
I mean, sex is often the firstthing that deteriorates in many
relationships.
In fact, many relationshipexperts refer to sex as the
barometer of the status of themarriage.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
But I think so many of us have, you know, mistakenly
believed that sex is that icingon the cake, right, and?
And that sex exists likeseparate from everything else,
right?
So we have sex or we don't havesex but it's not actually tied
to all the rest of ourrelationship.
Or that we can have this greatrelationship but we just don't
(26:44):
have sex as much as we should,but that's totally separate.
Yeah, well, it'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Yeah, we'll figure that out later, when kids are
grown up, or when the kids leave, or when we finally get in the
next stage of our marriage orthe next stage of our lives.
we'll get it figured out whetherthat's a lack of frequency, a
lack of passion, a lack ofinterest, wherever that crack is
(27:17):
in your sexual relationship isquickly going to spread and
fissure the emotional and themental and the spiritual aspects
of your relationship as well.
You can't just put your sexlife in a box under the bed and
hope that all of that broken,shattered sex life is not going
to impact the rest of you.
It is the rest of you, it is.
It's simply a manifestation ofthe status of everything else.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Yeah, and that's why it's so important to be attuned
to your sexual relationship.
I mean, it's an obvious placeto measure the overall quality
of your relationship and thatrequires some introspection.
You know you have to be willingto address and stay attuned to
(28:02):
the health of your sexualrelationship.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Oh yeah, I mean.
This, I think, also emphasizesthis recommendation that you
must be willing to addresssexual difficulties early in
your relationship or early whenyou notice them.
Don't wait until your sex lifeis in shambles, because it's
going to be so much harder topick up those pieces when
everything is crashing aroundyou.
(28:27):
Right you Right?
I mean, think of it this way,like which one of the structural
beams in your house would youprefer to remove before you face
a hurricane?
Which one, which one are youwilling to sacrifice?
Hopefully, none of them, right,and the same is true.
I mean, your sex life is notlike the valuable things that
(28:49):
are in your safe, locked away.
I mean your sex life is part ofyour marriage.
That is holding up the house.
It is part of that structuralintegrity.
It's not just the paint color,okay, it is something far more
integral to the structuralintegrity of your entire
relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Sex is not the paint color.
We could do a follow-up episodeof comparing sex to how our
homes are built.
Man, you're pulling out thegreat metaphors here Matt.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
Good metaphors and bad metaphors for sex.
There you go.
That's maybe another episode.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Okay, you have one more.
Okay, one more.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
I promised you four.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
So, like a hurricane, like a hurricane, sex is an
opportunity to demonstrate thebest or worst of yourself.
When there were tree limbseverywhere, power out, high
floodwaters, little to no, cellphone and internet service,
closed restaurants, grocerystores closed, incredibly long
(30:03):
lines at gas stations that wereactually open, it was a lot to
deal with, and people's reactionto these hardships quickly and
loudly revealed their character.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Absolutely.
I mean, some people respondedlike heroes by coming to the aid
of their neighbors andsacrificing their own
conveniences in order to makesure that other people had what
they needed, and others, maybemost responded by complaining,
by hoarding and behaving inevery other conceivable selfish
(30:37):
manner.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
I mean, if you want to see the opportunity for
selfish behavior to be displayed, just drive up to a four-way
intersection of a major roadwhen the traffic light is out of
power.
I think we all have to in theHouston area collectively.
We should all have to gothrough driver's ed again,
(31:01):
because we just finishedteaching our last one to drive.
What's the number one thing youteach your new driver?
When it comes to approaching anintersection where the light is
out, treat it like a four-waystop.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Y'all Houston better be learning that lesson, but the
problem is we don't know how totake turns.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
We don't know how to share.
That became very obvious, quiteobvious how to take turns.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
We don't know how to share.
That became very obvious, Quiteobvious.
So you know, does my sex lifein this case?
So the question I would ask isdoes my sex life reveal or
demonstrate that I am a selfishperson, or that I am a selfish,
self-less person?
Speaker 2 (31:42):
I don't know what I just said.
You got it Selfish, or selfless?
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
I was trying to differentiate them and I forgot
which one I was on Again.
So, like a hurricane and anatural disaster is like a
sociologist's dream forevaluating human behavior,
especially in group settings.
Your sex life is also a placewhere your character is clearly
(32:12):
revealed.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
On display.
I mean, sex is incrediblyvulnerable and we don't often
focus on that, you know.
Think about asking ourselvesthese big questions like how do
I react when I get rejected?
How do I react when my spouseexpresses desires or needs that
(32:34):
are outside of my comfort zone?
Speaker 1 (32:37):
Yeah, how do I react when my spouse has a performance
issue?
Or how do I react when I have aperformance problem issue?
Or how do I react when I have aperformance problem, when
things don't go the way that Iwant them to go, or the way my
spouse wanted them to go.
How are we reacting in thatcircumstance?
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Yeah, how do I communicate that I'm not in the
mood?
How do I communicate that I'dlike to have sex?
I mean, how do you communicatewith your spouse about sex?
Speaker 1 (33:06):
What means and methods am I using to
communicate that?
Are they ways that demonstrateselfishness or selflessness?
Is my spouse satisfied with oursexual frequency or variety?
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Ooh, and if you think you know the answer to this,
you should ask, because you needto make sure you know your
spouse's answer to this questionand, frankly, responders and
pursuers need to be carefullyanswering this question.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
Yeah because it could be too much, it could be too
little, it could be not.
You know whatever and you don'tknow unless you're asking.
You don't know how that'scoming across, you don't know
what you're communicating toyour spouse, unless you're
asking.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Well and really the big question is is our sex life
increasing or decreasing thelevel of connection in our
marriage?
Because, again, that's thewhole point of married sex it's
a place of a deep and realconnection, yes, physically, but
also emotionally, mentally andspiritually.
(34:12):
So is our sex life doing that?
Are we more connected after sexor less?
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Love it.
So, Jen, are you winded afterthis hurricane sex special
episode?
You're so good man.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
I've learned a lot about sex and hurricanes this
week, Well, just you know adifferent way to think about it.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
I hope, and hopefully something a little bit more
lighthearted, given the gravityof some of the things that we
faced here locally.
There are definitely so manymore humorous but practical
comparisons between hurricanesand our sex lives.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Oh, and Matt would love to hear them, I'm sure Well
.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
I mean we probably should have worked in some
analogies about storm surge orafter storm cleanup bad
forecasts, leaky roofs, failedstorm shutters I cannot imagine
Fallen trees.
I mean there's a lot of ways wecould have gone.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
You could have gone a lot of ways and you would have
needed a new co-host to go tosome of the places I think you
could have gone.
So you let us know.
What else should Matt haveadded to his list?
We'd love to hear what youmight have come up with when
comparing sex and hurricanes.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
You can email the show podcast at
intimatecovenantcom.
We would love to hear yourfeedback.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
I'm going to cut you off here, Matt, and ask you for
the wrap up.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
Sex, like a hurricane , is a powerful God-given force.
While we can't direct the pathof a hurricane, quiet the gale
force winds or suppress therising waters, we do have
control over the effects of sexin our own marriages.
The winds of a hurricane aremostly destructive, but the
power of the sexual desire canbe channeled to constructive,
(36:00):
passionate and intimaterelationship.
The damage of ahurricane-driven wind and water
is unavoidable, but the damageof poorly planned sex is
entirely preventable.
And finally, when confronted byunexpected storms in your sex
life, use these challenges tofurther demonstrate your
creativity and self-sacrificiallove.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and
head to the kitchen table tohave the conversation about the
power of sex in yourrelationship.
What are you going to do toavoid the destructive effects
and channel the power of sex inorder to co-create powerful
intimacy in your marriage?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
We would love to hear your feedback.
Contact us by emailing podcastat intimatecovenantcom or to
submit anonymous feedback, go toour website,
intimatecovenantcom.
Slash podcast.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're truly humbled by all yourencouragement and support.
Thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us too.
Subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
Hey, jen want to talk about a category five sex life.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
You're a natural disaster.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Great.
Today on the podcast, we'recomparing your sex life to a
hurricane.
Let's do it.
Welcome friends.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Welcome.
We're Matt and Jen, and this isthe Intimate Covenant.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Podcast when we believe the Bible and great
married sex both belong on yourkitchen table.
That's right.
We are talking about godlymarriage with hot sex and
emotionally fulfilling oneness.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Thank you for joining us as always.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
thanks for joining us on the podcast.
For more about IntimateCovenant, you can find out more
at our websiteIntimateCovenantcom.
And, as always, we certainlyalways appreciate your feedback,
your comments, your suggestions.
You can reach the podcast atpodcast at IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
That's right.
So, matt, this past week wehave survived a hurricane.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Literally, it has been a disaster, as in the
natural disaster type.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
The natural disaster type.
We used to live in SouthFlorida where hurricanes were a
little bit more expected, butthe hurricanes found us here in
the Houston Texas area.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
And I think, if I'm counting right, this is maybe
the fifth or sixth hurricaneeyewall that has gone directly
over my head in my lifetime.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Oh, maybe it says something about you, Matt.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
It might be something about me, but this is a good
number of hurricanes that we'vedealt with.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
We have definitely survived a lot of them.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
But after Hurricane Beryl, most of Houston and all
the surrounding area has beenand will continue to be without
power, electricity that is, forseveral days.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Yeah, and in Texas in July this means suffering in 90
plus degree temperatures, heatindex over 100 with unbearable
humidity.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Yeah, it's ridiculous y'all.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Ooh, you pulled out a y'all for that.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Yeah, for some, this means that we power up the
generator and we gather thefamily into a single room.
Single room yes, one singleroom, all of us spread out on
air mattresses and whateverother mattresses we have
available.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
With a small window AC unit.
We had some great familybonding time in the Schmidt
house.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
That's what we're going to call it.
Others may have some generousfriends who have electricity in
their home who might be willingto share hot weather and
creatively managed to survivewithout monitoring amenities
(02:47):
like the things that we're allaccustomed to, like air
conditioning, internet, hotshowers you know all of those
things, All the things we havequickly learned this week that
we were born in the correctcentury.
I'm not sure, we would havemade it.
Yes, but nevertheless we'remaking it, we're doing fine.
Fortunately, no one that I'maware of suffered any
(03:08):
catastrophic damage or just hada lot of inconvenience, lots of
inconvenience, for sure, butthis entire experience, however,
to your benefit, listeners,this entire experience prompted
a couple of questions from.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
we're going to call him an anonymous friend, it was
a pretty great text message.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
A great thread, so one of the questions is what is
the etiquette for post-naturaldisaster sex, when you're
staying at someone else's housebecause you have no power at
your home?
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And then a follow-up question If you are sharing one
bedroom with your kids, becausethat's where the AC is, is it
ethical to drug your kids sothat you can have sex with your?
Speaker 1 (03:52):
spouse.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Bet y'all don't get text messages like this.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
You've probably never gotten that one.
The other one that came throughwas which national weather
service warnings shouldnecessitate emergency sex so
that you and your spouse aresufficiently satisfied to last
through the possible naturaldisaster recovery period?
Does this start at hurricanewarnings or watches, or?
(04:20):
Tropical storm warnings orwatches, and if you can explain
the difference to me between awatch or a warning, then you
probably live on an ocean frontsomewhere.
Very true, what about?
But also then, what abouttsunami warnings or tornado
warnings?
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Or just a good old thunderstorm warning or a heat
advisory.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
I mean, where do you draw the line there in your
relationship?
These are important questionsthat maybe you've never
considered before.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Good questions that we're not actually going to
answer.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
We do not have the answers to these questions, but
it did get me thinking.
How is our sex life?
Like a hurricane.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Don't y'all wonder what happens in Matt's brain to
make him think that question?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Perhaps too many hurricanes going overhead.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh, before we hear your answer to that question,
Matt, we're all anxiouslyawaiting the answer.
A couple of announcements First.
We wanted to let you all knowone more time about the Kingdom
Singles event we're having herein the Houston area.
Um, obviously most of ourevents are geared towards
(05:29):
married couples, but we do havematerial that we love to present
to singles and we're getting todo it in our own backyard.
That'll be this coming Saturday, July 20th, at four o'clock PM.
We did have a venue change.
It's now at a place calledSycamore Coffee Company, but
every participant gets to comefor free and get a specialty
(05:52):
coffee.
So I mean, how cool is that?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
That's a win-win.
You do have to endure sittingthrough listening to us talk for
a few hours, but it will be fun.
There will be coffee, as Jenmentioned.
There will be lots of youngfolks to mingle with and meet.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Yeah, we are nearing capacity, but we do have a
little bit more room, just alittle.
So be sure to let yourunmarried adult friends know
about this event.
This event is geared for 20sand 30s-ish, so the older as in,
not high schoolers, notteenagers singles.
The older as in not highschoolers, not teenagers singles
(06:27):
.
Pre-registration is recommendedso you can find out more about
the event and the form topre-register at
IntimateCovenantcom.
Slash H-O-U singles.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
That's right.
If you have any questions, sendus an email.
Also big news.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Big news Drum roll that we don't have, but pretend
Pretend you hear a drum rollright now.
Tell us, Matt.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
The retreat our annual retreat, is sold out.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Sold out Soonest ever .
We have sold out the retreat.
Y'all sold it out in late June.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Yeah, in June we were sold out, literally.
In fact, we've sold out acouple of times because we had a
cancellation, and then we hadand then we sold out again, had
someone jump into that from ourwait list.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Yes, so, speaking of wait list, if you waited until
now and you're super bummed tohear that our retreat is sold
out and you still want to joinus, join our wait list.
Unfortunately, you never knowwhat might happen, and so if
your name is on.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There could be a natural disaster and cause some
people to cancel.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Hopefully not in the Houston area anymore, but join
our waitlist by signing up atour website, intimatecovenantcom
.
Slash retreat.
That's where you go to normallyregister, but now you'll find a
link for a waitlist there, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
And not ironically, jen and I spent the last weekend
mapping out all of the contentand the sessions all have coming
together, they all have titles,they all have that always makes
us feel good when we havetitles to the session.
We've got titles for thesessions.
We have a general idea of whatwe're doing and the content is
starting to gel together, sowe're very excited about that.
(08:04):
We've got some sessions titled.
One is titled the Responder'sDilemma.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
We also have another session titled Vulnerable
Pursuit.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And my favorite session title Make your Bed.
I wonder what that could beabout.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, we hope that teases your anticipation.
For those of you who areregistered to come to the
retreat, yeah, it's going to begreat.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
We're talking about learning better emotional and
sexual pursuit, how to be abetter pursuer.
We're learning about awakeningand cultivating that responsive
desire.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yeah, how to be a better responder.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
And we're talking about how to overcome all forms
of barriers to all forms ofintimacy.
So, really, looking forward tothis, we're very much getting
excited about the content.
We think it's going to be agreat set of.
It's going to be another greatretreat.
Yeah, great retreat.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
And we're starting our retreat.
We always have an annual I meana kickoff every year on
Thursday night, and this year wehave a special game night
curated specifically for thisyear's marriage retreat.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yeah, it's going to be fun, it's going to be
humorous, it's going to beinteractive and, should you
choose, to participate, and,best part, there's going to be
prizes.
There are prizes.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
All of our competitors and our attendees
will be excited by prizes, yepGame nights centered around
marital humor and comedy.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
It's going to be a good time.
It's going to be lots of fun.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Okay, Matt.
So before we made ourannouncements, you proclaimed
that sex is like a hurricane.
So, Phyllis, how?
Speaker 1 (09:44):
is sex like a hurricane.
I came up with a long list andI narrowed it down to four.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Oh, thank you for narrowing it down.
He's had a lot of time to thinkin the heat.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
In the heat.
So, again, heat stroke induced.
Ramblings aside, we'll see whathappens with this, but there's
at least four ways that I cameup with that compare a hurricane
to our sex life.
One of them is, I thinkimportantly, that, like a
hurricane, sex is better whenyou have prepared ahead of time.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Yeah, I mean when you're talking about facing a
hurricane.
We're very blessed in this dayand age that we've got a lot of
prep time right as it makes itsway across the ocean to us.
But you don't wait to go toWalmart when the winds pick up.
You don't wait to go to Walmartwhen the storm is already
blowing in.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
That's a bad idea.
Don't try to go get gas.
Don't try to go get water.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Don't try to go get groceries.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Yeah, when the wind is blowing, it's pretty much
late in the game.
Number one it's dangerous.
Yeah, right, it's dangerous,and just like a hurricane, sex
is messy, hurricanes are messy,and so if you prepare for that
mess ahead of time, then no onehas to sleep in the wet spot.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Very true Right.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Literally Right, literally.
If you talk about, if we'retalking about sex in this case,
you know that without lube thatyou're going to, perhaps you
could end up with all the wrongfeels.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Yeah, yeah, can't always rely on your body to do
what you think it should.
So, yeah, having some timeputting in the effort to have
prepared it definitely makes sexmuch more enjoyable.
Preparation makes livingthrough a hurricane more
enjoyable.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
It certainly does.
I mean, yes, there are a lot ofthings with hurricanes, just
like with sex, that areunexpected, but there definitely
are some things you you knowthat are going to happen and if
that's the case and you preparefor those eventualities, you put
yourself and your spouse in amuch better position to be able
to enjoy it without the mess,without the unnecessary
(12:02):
experiences.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Right.
If I wait until the last minuteto get ready, then I'm unlikely
to get what I need emotionally,physically or spiritually.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Yeah, exactly Again.
A hurricane is also much lessenjoyable without necessities
like food, water, dry shelter.
Yeah, it would be quiteunenjoyable to sit in the middle
of your driveway during ahurricane and or to starve in
the days following because youdid not make preparation.
(12:34):
And, just in a similar manner,sex itself is far less enjoyable
without things likeanticipation and arousal and
desire.
And so, if you're waiting untilyou're in the moment to start
thinking about, oh, how am Igoing to try to enjoy this or
how am I going to get throughthis?
(12:54):
It's a little late.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Well, I think we have allowed, you know, Hollywood,
Satan, whatever you want to callit to sell us the lie.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Is that the same?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
thing it might be To sell us the lie that you know
sex is just this spontaneousthing that just happens.
But that's not reality.
That is not true.
And sex you might havesometimes in your marriage where
you think that it wasspontaneous, as you say, matt,
all the time.
It was never actuallyspontaneous.
(13:24):
Somebody planned somethingright.
But if you together, as acouple, put in the time to
prepare for sex, whether that'sgetting yourself in that place
emotionally and mentally, ifyou're a responder, taking the
time to actually think about sex, to actually warm yourself up,
you know, as in dwelling on howdo I want to spend this special
(13:48):
time with my beloved.
That is very different than1030 pm after a long, hard day.
Hey, babe, you wanna you know,you're going to respond in a
very different way, and so right.
Putting in the time to actuallybe able to anticipate sex makes
it a much different experience.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Oh, by far Much more enjoyable for everyone.
And again, just like hurricanes, sex doesn't come out of
nowhere.
Right, you have time, youcertainly have the option, in
fact, for sex.
You know when it's going tohappen.
You can at least know when it'sgoing to happen.
You can make preparationaccordingly, you know.
(14:32):
Plus, if I wait until the lastminute to prep for a hurricane,
then I'm not going to be in anykind of position to be able to
help my neighbors and friends.
If I'm waiting until the day of, or hours before, to start
boarding my windows or gatheringthe things in off the porch, or
going to get food and water orwhatever other supplies, then
(14:55):
I'm not in a position to go makesure that my neighbors have
what they need, my friends, myfamily, to make sure that others
have what they need.
I am only then, in that moment,self-focused.
Likewise with sex if I don'tprepare myself ahead of time,
and likewise with sex if I don'tprepare myself ahead of time,
then I'm going to have lessability to offer my energy and
(15:16):
my passion to my spouse.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Oh good, we're going with spouse, not neighbors.
I was just making sure theanalogy ended in the right place
there.
Okay, yes, I'm with you, matt.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Yeah, we're going to have to be careful about our
analogy.
I guess, just like any analogy,it can maybe go too far.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
But I get your point, though, if, if it's, if there's
no prep, then it's simply allabout me and how I feel in that
exact moment, for good or forbad, right, it's all about me.
But with the right amount ofprep and just getting our bodies
(15:51):
and our minds and every otheraspect of our married sex life
ready for this experiencetogether, then we are that much
more able to care more aboutwhat our spouse thinks and feels
and what they're experiencingthan just simply I'm out to get
(16:12):
what I want out of thisexperience.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Precisely Again I'm with you, matt.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Look at me, I'm following along.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Are you getting the analogy?
I mean, I am Okay, so that wasthe first one.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Sex and hurricanes better when you've prepared Okay
.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Where do we go next?
All right, so also like ahurricane we go next, all right.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
So, also like a hurricane, sometimes sex
requires you to change yourplans.
Oh, now, this is a good one.
All of us in Houston know this.
Meteorologists are not gods andthey often get the forecast
wrong.
Yep, for instance, a weekbefore, maybe days even a few
days.
For instance, a week before,maybe days, even a few days,
(16:56):
even a few days before, thishurricane made landfall.
This was not a Houston storm.
This was a Texas-Mexicoborderline storm, maybe a Corpus
Christi storm, and then it allof a sudden became a Houston
storm, with the eye of thishurricane going.
The eye of this hurricane going.
I mean, they could not havedrawn a more perfect if you will
line across the most populatedareas of the Houston
(17:17):
metropolitan area.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Yes, all of Southeast Texas sure.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Direct hit, but that was not what was supposed to be
happening right.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
That was not in the forecast three or four days
ahead of time.
Yeah, so I'm with you onhurricanes often required you to
have to change your plan.
So again, life often throwscurve balls into the bedroom as
well.
Yeah, and that's a metaphorprobably for most of us.
I don't know what you guys doin your bedroom, but we don't
(17:47):
have, we're not playing catchgenerally.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Oh you're, you're scaring me here, but we're not
playing catch generally.
Oh you're scaring me here,honey, but I can say things like
illness, children, even naturaldisasters themselves.
Literally everything thataffects your life can and
probably will affect your sexlife.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Absolutely you cannot divorce your sex life from the
rest of what's happening life.
Absolutely you cannot divorceyour sex life from the rest of
what's happening.
And so everything that happensand causes unexpected stress or
trauma or just requires yourenergy in some way, anything
that is turning your attentionaway from your relationship, is
going to have a negative impacton your sex life.
(18:27):
So that causes us then to itforces us really to change our
expectations in many cases, orat least, if we don't change our
expectations in some cases,we're going to be even more
disappointed with that outcome.
Now, some challenges are shortterm.
Right.
You get the flu.
(18:48):
That's going to change yourlife for a few days, but that's
not going to really change yourlife, right.
But if you get cancer, that's abigger issue, that's a bigger
deal.
That's going to reallysubstantially impact your life,
and certainly your sex life, fora long time.
So these are, you know,financial devastations or, you
(19:12):
know, losing your job orwhatever it is.
All of these things cause youto change your plans, and I mean
like change your life plans in,like how and where you live and
what you do on a day-to-daybasis.
But they are also going tochange your plans in the bedroom
as well, yeah, and that has tobe considered.
That said, anytime there is achange of plans, this, the
(19:39):
bright side, is that this is anopportunity for creativity,
right?
So how many folks spent thelast several days without power,
sitting in their homes beingmiserable and being angry and
being resentful about thatcircumstance?
And how many families spentthat time doing things and
(20:03):
taking advantage of the timethat they would not have
otherwise had to be together andcertainly not otherwise have
had to be together, doing thingsto build and strengthen their
relationship?
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Sure, I mean, I think we all learned this during the
pandemic, right, Especially ifwe had some forced family time
that we were not anticipating.
That presents an opportunity,and so what are you going to do
with that?
Are you you know?
Are you going to let it deraileverything, or are you going to
(20:36):
see that as an opportunity toco-create something you hadn't
planned on, but something maybeeven better than what you had?
Many, many people learnedthrough the pandemic the
importance of family time thatthey simply had not put in the
effort to have.
You know, I think we alllearned a lot of lessons.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
So well, yes, and a lot of us learn the lessons and
then we forget them prettyquickly.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Well, that is very true, Right.
So learning to see this change,this force changed in your plan
as a place in which you couldpotentially create something
even better than what you had,man, that's a paradigm shift.
That's a hard mental shift tomake.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
It is.
It is, certainly it is.
All of us have difficulty withthis.
Sometimes it's really difficultto see the bright side of a
terrible situation and it's easyto lose sight of that,
especially if it's somethingthat's really substantially
impactful, and more impactfulthan just some bad weather for a
short time or losingelectricity for a few days.
(21:38):
But, for example, you know, ifyour, if illness or whatever has
caused you to have to have sexin a new way, try to find
meaning in the relationship thatyou are able to build from this
and the co-creativity, so tospeak.
Find meaning in that ratherthan in the sex position.
(22:01):
That's the thing, becausesuffering together, regardless
of what you're going through,suffering together with someone
else, especially with yourcovenant bound beloved,
suffering together is far betterthan just having to do it alone
.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Yeah, all right, whoa , that one got deep there, matt.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Wow, didn't really think we'd be going there.
This was supposed to be a lightand fun episode, but uh, let's
see if we can change it a littlebit.
So like a hurricane.
Also like a hurricane, sex willreveal your weaknesses.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
That is yeah, true, True, right.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
I mean the force of a hurricane will reveal
weaknesses in the mostcatastrophic ways.
Right, if your home, if yourtrees, if your power grid are
not strong enough, the naturalforces of a hurricane will cause
serious damage.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Yeah, we were driving around here this weekend with
the kids in the car and justcommenting like why does that
tree fall over versus that tree?
You know like what you wouldhave previously looked at these
two big, strong, seeminglyhealthy trees standing side by
side and think they're bothequally great and fine, and
(23:18):
there's trees toppled over thathave survived other hurricanes.
Right.
So what caused that tree versusthat tree to fall, and what
about?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
these circumstances caused this tree to fall over,
even though it has survived forhundreds of years, in some cases
Right so yeah, it's definitelygot to reveal the weaknesses,
and all of us that are withwe're without power.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
we have learned some lessons about the weaknesses in
the Houston Power Grid.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Yeah, there you go.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
We won't go there on this episode.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
But in the same way, the force of sexual desire and
the forces of sexualrelationship are immensely
powerful and to that point, mostcouples are going to experience
conflict in their relationshipover sexual issues, because sex
is such an integral and powerfulpart of who we are individually
(24:12):
and it's an incredibly powerfulpart of who we are as a married
couple.
And so then the issues in yourrelationship that have not been
dealt with are often going to bemanifested as sexual conflict
(24:36):
conflict.
So if you have issuesindividually or as a couple,
with sexual shame or previoustrauma or unresolved conflict in
your relationship, and even ifthese issues are maybe even
seemingly unrelated to sex, theissues that you have not dealt
with are going to manifest asbarriers to your sexual
relationship.
So I guess a simple summary ofthis is if you are having
(24:58):
trouble in the bedroom, youoften need to start looking
outside the bedroom for some ofthose solutions.
The answer sometimes todecrease sexual frequency in
your relationship is not thatyou need to start having more
sex right away.
That may be part of thesolution, but ultimately it
might point to the fact thatthere is some unresolved issues
(25:22):
in most other places in yourrelationship that have not been
dealt with.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Right, it's not about the sex positions, it's not
about the frequency.
It's not about the sexpositions.
It's not about the frequency.
It's often.
You know, your conflict inregards to your sexual
relationship with your belovedis almost always tied to
something that's happeningoutside your bedroom, absolutely
.
A lot of us are afraid to lookoutside the bedroom for the
(25:48):
answer.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
Well, we're just afraid to deal with it
altogether.
We feel like we can just, youknow, manage or ignore the fact
that it's our sex life, becausethat's, you know, that's not the
most important part.
We're just happy we're togetherand we're raising these kids
and trying to survive, and so wedon't, in the moment, pay a lot
of attention.
(26:09):
I mean, sex is often the firstthing that deteriorates in many
relationships.
In fact, many relationshipexperts refer to sex as the
barometer of the status of themarriage.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
But I think so many of us have, you know, mistakenly
believed that sex is that icingon the cake, right, and?
And that sex exists likeseparate from everything else,
right?
So we have sex or we don't havesex but it's not actually tied
to all the rest of ourrelationship.
Or that we can have this greatrelationship but we just don't
(26:44):
have sex as much as we should,but that's totally separate.
Yeah, well, it'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Yeah, we'll figure that out later, when kids are
grown up, or when the kids leave, or when we finally get in the
next stage of our marriage orthe next stage of our lives.
we'll get it figured out whetherthat's a lack of frequency, a
lack of passion, a lack ofinterest, wherever that crack is
(27:17):
in your sexual relationship isquickly going to spread and
fissure the emotional and themental and the spiritual aspects
of your relationship as well.
You can't just put your sexlife in a box under the bed and
hope that all of that broken,shattered sex life is not going
to impact the rest of you.
It is the rest of you, it is.
It's simply a manifestation ofthe status of everything else.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Yeah, and that's why it's so important to be attuned
to your sexual relationship.
I mean, it's an obvious placeto measure the overall quality
of your relationship and thatrequires some introspection.
You know you have to be willingto address and stay attuned to
(28:02):
the health of your sexualrelationship.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Oh yeah, I mean.
This, I think, also emphasizesthis recommendation that you
must be willing to addresssexual difficulties early in
your relationship or early whenyou notice them.
Don't wait until your sex lifeis in shambles, because it's
going to be so much harder topick up those pieces when
everything is crashing aroundyou.
(28:27):
Right you Right?
I mean, think of it this way,like which one of the structural
beams in your house would youprefer to remove before you face
a hurricane?
Which one, which one are youwilling to sacrifice?
Hopefully, none of them, right,and the same is true.
I mean, your sex life is notlike the valuable things that
(28:49):
are in your safe, locked away.
I mean your sex life is part ofyour marriage.
That is holding up the house.
It is part of that structuralintegrity.
It's not just the paint color,okay, it is something far more
integral to the structuralintegrity of your entire
relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Sex is not the paint color.
We could do a follow-up episodeof comparing sex to how our
homes are built.
Man, you're pulling out thegreat metaphors here Matt.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
Good metaphors and bad metaphors for sex.
There you go.
That's maybe another episode.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Okay, you have one more.
Okay, one more.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
I promised you four.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
So, like a hurricane, like a hurricane, sex is an
opportunity to demonstrate thebest or worst of yourself.
When there were tree limbseverywhere, power out, high
floodwaters, little to no, cellphone and internet service,
closed restaurants, grocerystores closed, incredibly long
(30:03):
lines at gas stations that wereactually open, it was a lot to
deal with, and people's reactionto these hardships quickly and
loudly revealed their character.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Absolutely.
I mean, some people respondedlike heroes by coming to the aid
of their neighbors andsacrificing their own
conveniences in order to makesure that other people had what
they needed, and others, maybemost responded by complaining,
by hoarding and behaving inevery other conceivable selfish
(30:37):
manner.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
I mean, if you want to see the opportunity for
selfish behavior to be displayed, just drive up to a four-way
intersection of a major roadwhen the traffic light is out of
power.
I think we all have to in theHouston area collectively.
We should all have to gothrough driver's ed again,
(31:01):
because we just finishedteaching our last one to drive.
What's the number one thing youteach your new driver?
When it comes to approaching anintersection where the light is
out, treat it like a four-waystop.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Y'all Houston better be learning that lesson, but the
problem is we don't know how totake turns.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
We don't know how to share.
That became very obvious, quiteobvious how to take turns.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
We don't know how to share.
That became very obvious, Quiteobvious.
So you know, does my sex lifein this case?
So the question I would ask isdoes my sex life reveal or
demonstrate that I am a selfishperson, or that I am a selfish,
self-less person?
Speaker 2 (31:42):
I don't know what I just said.
You got it Selfish, or selfless?
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
I was trying to differentiate them and I forgot
which one I was on Again.
So, like a hurricane and anatural disaster is like a
sociologist's dream forevaluating human behavior,
especially in group settings.
Your sex life is also a placewhere your character is clearly
(32:12):
revealed.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
On display.
I mean, sex is incrediblyvulnerable and we don't often
focus on that, you know.
Think about asking ourselvesthese big questions like how do
I react when I get rejected?
How do I react when my spouseexpresses desires or needs that
(32:34):
are outside of my comfort zone?
Speaker 1 (32:37):
Yeah, how do I react when my spouse has a performance
issue?
Or how do I react when I have aperformance problem issue?
Or how do I react when I have aperformance problem, when
things don't go the way that Iwant them to go, or the way my
spouse wanted them to go.
How are we reacting in thatcircumstance?
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Yeah, how do I communicate that I'm not in the
mood?
How do I communicate that I'dlike to have sex?
I mean, how do you communicatewith your spouse about sex?
Speaker 1 (33:06):
What means and methods am I using to
communicate that?
Are they ways that demonstrateselfishness or selflessness?
Is my spouse satisfied with oursexual frequency or variety?
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Ooh, and if you think you know the answer to this,
you should ask, because you needto make sure you know your
spouse's answer to this questionand, frankly, responders and
pursuers need to be carefullyanswering this question.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
Yeah because it could be too much, it could be too
little, it could be not.
You know whatever and you don'tknow unless you're asking.
You don't know how that'scoming across, you don't know
what you're communicating toyour spouse, unless you're
asking.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Well and really the big question is is our sex life
increasing or decreasing thelevel of connection in our
marriage?
Because, again, that's thewhole point of married sex it's
a place of a deep and realconnection, yes, physically, but
also emotionally, mentally andspiritually.
(34:12):
So is our sex life doing that?
Are we more connected after sexor less?
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Love it.
So, Jen, are you winded afterthis hurricane sex special
episode?
You're so good man.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
I've learned a lot about sex and hurricanes this
week, Well, just you know adifferent way to think about it.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
I hope, and hopefully something a little bit more
lighthearted, given the gravityof some of the things that we
faced here locally.
There are definitely so manymore humorous but practical
comparisons between hurricanesand our sex lives.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Oh, and Matt would love to hear them, I'm sure Well
.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
I mean we probably should have worked in some
analogies about storm surge orafter storm cleanup bad
forecasts, leaky roofs, failedstorm shutters I cannot imagine
Fallen trees.
I mean there's a lot of ways wecould have gone.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
You could have gone a lot of ways and you would have
needed a new co-host to go tosome of the places I think you
could have gone.
So you let us know.
What else should Matt haveadded to his list?
We'd love to hear what youmight have come up with when
comparing sex and hurricanes.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
You can email the show podcast at
intimatecovenantcom.
We would love to hear yourfeedback.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
I'm going to cut you off here, Matt, and ask you for
the wrap up.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
Sex, like a hurricane , is a powerful God-given force.
While we can't direct the pathof a hurricane, quiet the gale
force winds or suppress therising waters, we do have
control over the effects of sexin our own marriages.
The winds of a hurricane aremostly destructive, but the
power of the sexual desire canbe channeled to constructive,
(36:00):
passionate and intimaterelationship.
The damage of ahurricane-driven wind and water
is unavoidable, but the damageof poorly planned sex is
entirely preventable.
And finally, when confronted byunexpected storms in your sex
life, use these challenges tofurther demonstrate your
creativity and self-sacrificiallove.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and
head to the kitchen table tohave the conversation about the
power of sex in yourrelationship.
What are you going to do toavoid the destructive effects
and channel the power of sex inorder to co-create powerful
intimacy in your marriage?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
We would love to hear your feedback.
Contact us by emailing podcastat intimatecovenantcom or to
submit anonymous feedback, go toour website,
intimatecovenantcom.
Slash podcast.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're truly humbled by all yourencouragement and support.
Thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us too.
Subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
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