September 30, 2024 • 43 mins
This episode is an excerpt from the live Q&A session at the 2024 Annual Marriage Retreat. We’re sharing our response to the following question: “Can you go into further detail on how the act of sex can glorify God?” We’re also sharing our responses to questions about sex toys, solo masturbation, modeling a healthy sexual relationship for your kids, and when to talk to your kids about pornography.
We also want to thank the sponsors of this year's Retreat:
- Married Dance
- Coconu
- The Dating Divas
- Honoring Intimates
- Ginger & Peach
- Ultimate Intimacy
- Show Her Off
- The Adventure Challenge
- J. Parker
Please support these affiliate companies that support Intimate Covenant:
- Married Dance — https://marrieddance.com/?aff=29
We’re a Christian-friendly, marriage-centered sex toy and marital aid store for couples that’s nudity-free.
Shop from this link for special savings and part of your purchase will support Intimate Covenant. - Coconu — https://www.coconu.com
Coconu is committed to helping people lead healthier, happier lives by offering 100% safe and organic personal care products.
Your purchase helps support Intimate Covenant AND you get 15% OFF. Coupon Code: intimateconvenant - Dating Divas — https://thedatingdivas.myshopify.com?sca_ref=6278443.H6eWDeXGfx
Strengthening marriages one date at a time.
Shop from this link and your part of your purchase will help support Intimate Covenant. Check out their Sexy Subscription Boxes! - Honoring Intimates — https://www.honoringintimates.com/?ref=INTIMATECOVENANT
Modest and classy premium lingerie, model-free.
Get 20% off and support Intimate Covenant with your purchase. - Ginger & Peach — https://www.gingerandpeachlingerie.com/
Ginger & Peach lingerie is a Christian husband and wife owned brand bringing classy, model-free lingerie to the market.
Get 10% off your order and support Intimate Covenant with code: “INTIMATECOVENANT"
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, jen, how are you feeling after the 2024 Annual
Marriage Retreat?
Elated and exhausted, great.
Today on the podcast, we'resharing an excerpt from the live
Q&A at the 2024 MarriageRetreat, including our answer to
this question how does the actof sex glorify God?
Let's do it.
(00:20):
Welcome friends, welcome.
Hey, we're Matt and Jen.
This is the Intimate Covenantpodcast, where we believe the
Bible and great married sex.
Both belong on your kitchentable, that's right.
We are talking about godlymarriage.
We're talking about hot sex inthat godly marriage and
(00:43):
emotionally fulfilling oneness.
That's right.
We are so glad that you're withus.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Thanks for being here .
Thanks for joining us.
If you'd like to find out moreabout us, you can look at our
website, intimatecovenantcom,and if you would like to have a
voice on this podcast, we'd loveto hear from you.
You can email us at podcast atintimatecovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Absolutely so glad to have you with us, and you are
here for a very special episode.
This is our annual sharing ofthe retreat.
We just finished our 2024retreat.
For those of you listening whowere there with us, hello, yes,
hello.
We miss you already.
It was such a special weekend.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
So many special couples, some regulars that show
up every year and lots of brandnew faces, lots of new faces
yeah, I think I counted and wehad about half and half Half
people that were returning, hadcome to previous retreats and
half newbies, and we loved it.
We squeezed in 51 couples,which is the max capacity for
(01:51):
the room that we have held theretreat in for the past five
years.
It was our seventh retreat, ourfifth year at the current
location, and who knows wherewe're going next.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Who knows?
Yeah, we're touring some spacesin the next few weeks, so we'll
see.
But today's episode is anexcerpt from the Q&A session
from that recent annual marriageretreat.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Yeah, we always film a live Q&A there, which is a lot
of fun.
Normally you and I are justsitting here in front of podcast
microphones with nobody staringat us, but at the retreat we do
the Q&A session and we film it,record it so that we can share
it here on the podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, it's a different experience when we're
asking and responding toquestions as they are being
asked, but it's also a fun time.
We're going to share ourresponse to one of those
questions, which is can you gointo further detail on how the
act of sex can glorify God?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
I thought that was a great question.
I really liked digging intothat one, and we're also going
to share responses to questionswe got about sex toys.
And we're also going to shareresponses to questions we got
about sex toys solar I can neversay that solo masturbation.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Not doing it in the sun, but rather doing it by
yourself.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Modeling a healthy sexual relationship for your
kids and when to talk to yourkids about pornography.
A couple of kid questions inthere.
We're always like we're not aparenting resource, but we sort
of are when it comes to how dowe do this as parents?
How do we model this?
Well?
So we had some great questions.
How many questions did we getin total?
(03:33):
I?
Speaker 1 (03:33):
think there were over 45 questions that were asked.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Y'all, we got enough material for another three years
worth of podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
We got to 10 of those questions that we were able to
answer live, and the rest we'lljust have to save.
We're going to share five ofthose questions with you today
and maybe we'll share the otherfive at some other point.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
We got lots more to come up yes.
So we had a great great time atthe retreat.
If you missed it, you missed anamazing weekend.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Yeah for sure.
Amazing weekend.
Amazing people Felt like thecontent really hit home for a
lot of them.
We really forced a lot of, Ithink, valuable conversations.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
I like how you say forced.
We did, force we do like wecall it, couples conversation,
and so throughout our sessions,we'll have the couples break off
and spend 10, 15 minutesdiscussing some very targeted
questions.
So, yeah, yeah, we're forcingyou to talk to your beloved.
(04:38):
How dare we?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Yes, well, in either event, we had a great time.
We certainly enjoyed our time,and I think everyone else
enjoyed their time.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
And if you missed it and you want to come next year,
we are going to do it again.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Jen, has you heard it here live?
Jen has agreed to do this again.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
We're working on finalizing some details
regarding location and dates,but targeting the end of
September, like we have had itfor the last seven years.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Seven years.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
We're almost always the fourth weekend in September,
so go ahead and pencil it intoyour calendars.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Pencil it in.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
But really put in ink on your calendars that
registration will open onValentine's Day, february 14th
2025.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Yeah, you definitely want to mark that in your
calendars, because we have soldout now at least the last three
or four years.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Yeah, and this year, and we keep selling out earlier
and earlier.
We were sold out by June thisyear.
Now we had a couple ofcancellations and then people we
could get in off of our waitlist.
But if you want to come you gotto make your plans to register
in the springtime.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
We would hate to put you on the waitlist.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
That's right, all right.
So before we share our Q&A,though, we do want to take this
opportunity to thank some of thecompanies that helped sponsor
the retreat.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Yes, we couldn't do this without, we couldn't make
it as special as fun withoutthese sponsors, and we want to
start out by listing ouraffiliate sponsors.
These are brands who havepartnered with Intimate Covenant
to provide great products andto enhance marriages, products
that enhance covenant sex.
(06:19):
These are brands who haveagreed and partnered with us so
that when you purchase fromthese brands, when you use our
special links or our specialdiscount codes, your purchase
helps to support our mission atIntimate Covenant, to help to
spread God's word about godlysex and holy covenant marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
All of these great companies also help to support
the retreat by providing doorprizes and contributions to the
gift bags.
We always do welcome gift bagsfor our guests and we provide
that to all of our guests, andso we're just really thankful
for these companies.
We would only ever sponsor witha company that has obviously
(07:05):
the same mindset as we do thatsex is for marriage and we want
to be promoting companies thatpromote the covenant of marriage
and sex and the sanctity.
We're not looking to promotecompanies that you know turn sex
into what God has not made itto be Precisely so.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
These companies all do that, and they certainly
align with the principles thatwe think should govern our
decisions about how we go aboutfinding these products and how
we go about supporting them.
So, all of these companies, youcan find their links on our
(07:46):
show notes for each of theseepisodes, and so we certainly
encourage you to take advantageof that.
The first company is MarriedDance.
Married Dance has partneredwith us for a long time, and I
think they've been a sponsor forpretty much every retreat.
If I'm not mistaken, they havebeen.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
They're our longest sponsor.
Mary Dance is aChristian-friendly,
marriage-centered sex toy andmarital aid store for couples,
and that store is nudity-free ontheir website, so safe shopping
.
They're going to be promotingproducts that are designed to be
used together as a couple anddisplaying them in a way that
(08:26):
you would be comfortable to lookat, and they will mail them to
you in a way that you'recomfortable to receive.
In other words, a very discreetpackage.
Nobody needs to know what's onyour front doorstep and if you
shop from our link for specialsavings and part of your
purchase will then supportIntimate Covenant, like Matt
(08:49):
said previously, Yep.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Another sponsor that has also partnered with us for a
couple of years is Coco New.
Coco New is committed tohelping people lead healthier,
happier lives by offering 100%safe and organic personal care
products.
Yeah, particularly yes, theyhave a line of personal
lubricants, both coconutoil-based as well as water-based
(09:13):
.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
We are big proponents of lube.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
You know that.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
And we want you, using the lube, make your time
comfortable for everybody.
Coco New is a great companydoing a lot of good work within
supporting marriages, and soyour purchase through our link
helps support Intimate Covenantand you get 15% off by using the
coupon code Intimate Covenant.
(09:40):
So go get yourself some newlube.
Everybody needs new lube.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Take advantage.
Another company that has alsoagain partnered with us for a
number of years now and we'vepartnered actually with them on
a couple of yeah, it'sreciprocal yeah a couple of
different projects.
That company is Dating Divas,strengthening marriages, one
date at a time.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Dating Divas is such a fun website.
Somebody at the retreatmentioned to me that it's like
falling down.
You know the little, the rabbit, what's it called?
A rabbit hole rabbit trail,rabbit trail, whatever that
metaphor is.
That's what it's like when yougo into the Dating Divas website
.
There are so many creativethings to look at, to
(10:22):
contemplate.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Just a lot of really smart people that have put
together a lot of fun things.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
If you shop from our link, part of your purchase will
again help support IntimateCovenant, and so we would love
for you to do that.
But we particularly want totell you about a new product to
Dating Diva, and that is calledthe Sexy Subscription Boxes.
Oh, I'm intrigued.
These are fun.
They sent us an example, onethat we actually gave out as a
(10:54):
door prize at our retreat.
Lots of fun.
Sexy Subscription is aquarterly bedroom box, so every
three months, dating Divas willsend the couples a discreet box
Again no label on the outside ofthe box to give it away.
Within that discreet box issomething new to try in the
(11:17):
bedroom together, and it's notjust products, but it's like
this full packaged sexy datewith activities that are meant
to help you connect emotionallyand sexually.
And so it's again, it's not justproducts, it's it's like an
entire experience.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Exactly, and it's fun because, in this case, both of
you are going to be surprised bywhat's in the box, right?
So it's not like one of you.
Both of you are going to besurprised by what's in the box,
right?
So it's not like one of youpicked something out to give as
a gift.
Both of you are going to besurprised.
It's an easy way, then, to addsome excitement and some
playfulness which who doesn'tneed more playfulness in their
lives?
Playfulness back into thebedroom, and it helps to create
(12:00):
just these sexy date ideas.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yeah, and you can use them just in the privacy of
your own bedroom.
You can take them with you to ahotel, right?
Lots of different ways to usethem, but we think the sexy
subscription is a really fun newproduct from Dating Divas.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Excellent, excellent idea, and Dating Divas does
everything so well.
You will not be disappointed.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
All right.
And then a new to ussponsorship affiliate is
Honoring Intimates.
They provide modest and classypremium lingerie model free.
So this is again a website thatyou can go to feel comfortable
at looking at their lingerie.
You're not going to see whatyou don't need to be seeing it's
(12:44):
displayed on mannequins, not onlive people.
Yeah, and Honoring Intimates isall about promoting sex within
marriage, and so if you use ourlink, you will get 20% off and
you'll be supporting IntimateCovenant.
So great way to get yourselfsome new lingerie.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Sounds like a win-win .
Speaker 2 (13:05):
But another lingerie company we also want to promote.
We're all about promotingmultiple lingerie companies.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
The more choices, the better, in my mind, you need a
lot of good, cute lingeriepieces right?
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Another company, it's called Ginger and Peach.
I love the name.
I know, isn't it cute?
Ginger and Peach?
Ginger, ginger and peachlingerie is a Christian husband
and wife owned brand and theyalso are working to bring classy
, model free lingerie to themarket.
Beautiful, beautiful pieces andyou can get 10% off of your
(13:39):
order and support IntimateCovenant with the code Intimate
Covenant.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
So we definitely want to encourage you to check out
those affiliates Again.
You can find those links in theshow notes.
Please feel free to takeadvantage of that.
The savings, and we certainlywould appreciate your support in
that.
We certainly also want tomention some of the other
retreat sponsors who are notaffiliates necessarily, but they
(14:03):
are also big supporters.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Big supporters and we're incredibly generous
providing stuff for our retreatattendees, both for the door
prize and for the welcome bagUltimate Intimacy.
We've been big fans of UltimateIntimacy for a long time.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
You've heard us support them here in the past.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
That's right, and so thank you, ultimate Intimacy for
your support.
A new to us company, show HerOff, which is an online dance
classes that you can take fromthe privacy of your bedroom with
your beloved, and they donateda free dance course.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Yeah, a great option to learn to move and to be
physically and even emotionallyengaged with your spouse.
So, thank you to Show Her Off.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
And then the Adventure Challenge.
They are makers of some reallyfun scratch-off books a whole
variety of ones, butparticularly they have a
couple's edition scratch-offdate adventure book and then an
in-bed scratch-off adventurebook, and now they have cards
little mini cards yes,scratch-off cards for mini dates
(15:13):
.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So lots of fun.
Connection cards Great stuff,Great stuff.
Check out the adventurechallenge.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
And then, last but not least, our good friend Jay
Parker at Hot Holy, humorous.
Jay's always great at sendingus a few books that we love to
give out.
If you've not read the Hot Holyand Humorous blog or the book
by the same name, jay has awhole selection of different
books, but particularly Hot Holyand Humorous.
Highly recommend that book.
(15:39):
We love Jay Parker.
She came and was a guestspeaker at our retreat a couple
of years ago and just a reallygood author.
We love pointing people herdirection.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Thank you, jay, for that donation and, as always,
for your support.
We certainly appreciate that.
Before we get into the Q&A, wealso should give a shout out to
our friend Jacob Mock.
Jacob handled all of the audiotech setup this year to make
sure that we sounded great atthe live event, but also made
(16:09):
sure that the recording qualitywas perfect.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
We're so excited about this.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Jacob.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Jacob is really good at all things tech and he
finally convinced you, Matt, tolet him help, and we're so
thankful that you said yes.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Yeah, I mean, if you've heard previous episodes
with our live Q&As, you know,you will immediately know that
this recording that Jacob gotfor us is light years better
than what we have gotten in thepast at live events.
So again, thank you, jacob.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Big thank you, jacob.
Thank you for making theweekend less stressful for Matt
and just overall it was great.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Just better in general.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Very thankful.
All right, matt.
So that goes through all of thebeginning stuff, because we've
got to do all of our shout outs.
But now let's get to the Q&A.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Let's do it.
What are your thoughts on sextoys?
Does it say anything about thequality of your sex life if you
use them?
Does it say anything good orbad about your relationship if
you do or do not use sex toys inyour sex life?
(17:16):
I think that's a good questionbecause we do have sponsors,
folks that provide door prizesor other sponsorships, companies
from sex toy makers anddistributors, lingerie makers,
distributors, dancing lessons,all these other lubricants, that
(17:41):
sort of thing, lubricants, thatsort of thing, All of those
things I should say none ofthose things are necessary for
an outstanding, amazing sex life.
Some folks find them helpful,Some folks find them aversive,
and that's they're not in the ofthemselves, right or wrong,
(18:01):
Like we talked about, If theybecome a substitute for your
spouse or if they becomesomething that is an obsession
or there's pressure to use themor not use them.
If they are, as we like to say,these things can be either a
barrier or a bridge toconnection.
(18:22):
Depends on how you use them andwhat you use them for in your
relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
So I think, something like specifically the question
asked about sex toys.
I think there's a lot of shameand maybe some justified shame.
Some sex toys are meant forconnection and others are not,
and so even that broad categoryof marital aids it depends.
(18:53):
So we are never prescribing foryour marriage what we think you
should do and, frankly, you'renever going to know what it is
that we do or do not have in ourmarriage bed.
We are simply here to start theconversation within your
marriage about what is availablewhen it comes to these outside
(19:14):
resources.
In addition, we want to helpprovide for you places that are
safe to shop.
We would not encourage you togo into these stores that are
along the highway and you seebillboards for, because within
those shops are going to be awhole lot of things that do not
promote the sanctity of covenantlove and the holiness of what
(19:38):
should be in your marriage bed,and so our aim is to always
provide for you a safe place toshop if you want to shop.
Now, that said, we're here tosay there doesn't need to be
shame wrapped up unnecessarilyand there can be a lot of good
If you are a wife that has avery difficult time experiencing
(20:02):
orgasm, very difficult timeexperiencing orgasm, a marital,
you know?
Some sorts of sex toys can moreeasily help you experience that
.
Now, your goal isn't that.
Your goal is connection.
But if you feel like that'smissing in your marriage, then
we would encourage you to maybeconsider adding that in.
(20:23):
That said, we would alwaysencourage that this should be
something that happens with thetwo of you present and together.
Again, like Matt said earlier,this is never meant to be a
substitute for your spouse.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
And these don't make good Mother's Day gifts Pursuers
.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
This isn't what she wants with her breakfast and bed
tray that the kids made.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
If you are going to surprise your spouse with a gift
like this, you better be deadon absolutely sure that that is
something that she would want,which means you better have
already had a conversation,precisely dead on absolutely
sure that that is something thatshe would want.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Which means you better have already had a
conversation.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Precisely.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
So if this isn't already a part of your marriage,
do not say Matt and Jen said weshould get this and by the way,
surprise, here it is.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
You can blame us for a lot of things.
You cannot blame us for thatfight.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
That is on you.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
All right.
One of the constant themes ofthe podcast and presentations is
no solo masturbation.
This is not a command orprohibit, or prohibit Sorry,
prohibition, thank you FromScripture other than if it
involves desire for someone, notspouse.
If the sole object of fantasyis spouse, who is sexually
(21:52):
unavailable and physical releaseavoids temptation, why not?
I guess first I want to startwith my spouse is physically
unavailable.
I think we have a misconceptionthat if my spouse is not up for
(22:15):
intercourse, then then that'sthe only option that we have.
That's the only option that Ihave for sex, because we've
limited the definition of sex.
We've limited it to includeonly intercourse, and I would
suggest to you that sex lookslike a lot of different things.
Sex is the physical engagementof two individuals for the
(22:41):
purpose of pleasure andconnection.
So to be physically unavailablein my mind would only mean that
they are like physically, notin the room.
But even then, you know we livein a world with technology
where most of us could call orFaceTime our spouse at any point
(23:05):
, anytime, anywhere, no matterwhere we are.
It's not possible for everyoneunder every circumstance, but I
would suggest to you that yourspouse is physically available
more times than we might my.
My suggestion would be if I'mgoing to, if I'm looking for sex
(23:29):
, I would challenge you to digdown about what are you actually
looking for.
Are you looking for sex or areyou looking for release?
Those are two different things.
And if all that I'm looking forto satisfy myself is release,
you've missed the big purpose ofsex.
(23:52):
The purpose of sex is not for myown personal pleasure.
That's why God limits thesexual relationship to the
covenant of marriage.
That is implicit in the idea ofsex.
It is a way that we know and beknown.
That's why the Bible uses.
(24:13):
When the Bible talks about sex.
Even in the Old Testament, thevery first mention of sex is
that Adam knew his wife Eve andthey conceived.
That's not just a meaninglesseuphemism for sex.
That is what sex is for.
It is knowing, and so when Iuse my sexuality for my own
(24:36):
gratification, I'm missing theopportunity.
Now, I would concede the Bibledoes not say anything
specifically about masturbation,solo masturbation, but I also
have to take into account thatjust because there's not a thou
shalt not.
I am also called to look atwhat is the purpose of what I am
(25:01):
doing and if my motivation isto avoid the confrontation of
asking my spouse to engage inthis with me, then maybe I'm
missing the point.
Maybe I'm just trying toappease myself rather than avoid
what would otherwise berequired to risk rejection.
(25:25):
Sometimes Masturbation is easybecause I don't have to engage
with anyone.
I don't have to risk rejection.
That is, in fact, the greatappeal to pornography for men.
It's not about the sex part ofit, it's about the part that
(25:46):
allows me to avoid the risk ofrejection.
I can avoid being emotionallyvulnerable, I can avoid having
to confront my spouse and I canavoid having to pursue them in a
way that is best for me.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
So if I'm wasting that opportunity on just myself,
then I'm never challengingmyself to grow myself and to
grow the relationship well, andthis says, um, sexually
unavailable that the spouse issexually unavailable, and you
(26:23):
know we try to answer thesequestions from the standpoint of
the person asking the question.
But I would encourage everyoneto consider what does it look
like for me to be sexuallyunavailable to my spouse, and
how does that come across tothem?
And is that something I shouldbe Now?
Is it okay to say no?
(26:45):
Well, I would say to you it'sokay to say not now, ask me
later.
So should you always beavailable?
Well, no, the aisle of Walmartis not a place for you to be
available, right?
So we're not going to always beavailable to every whim.
We're not going to always beavailable to every whim.
(27:10):
But if my spouse perceives thatI have very definite available
and unavailable times, then Iwould challenge you to consider
why is that?
And, like Matt was saying atthe beginning, I mean, frankly,
there are a lot of ways that wecan share our sexual energies
together.
So if parts of my body areunavailable but I am able to be
(27:36):
present, be with, then that'savailable.
Just because some part of mybody may not be able to engage
doesn't mean my heart and mymind can't engage.
And so, again, it's aboutconnection.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Yep, and I would challenge you.
Why would I be ashamed to dothat in front of my spouse?
Why am I going to the shower orto the bathroom or some private
place to do that?
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Your question to ask yourself is if the purpose of
sex is connection.
Do I feel more connected to myspouse after solo masturbation?
Did that actually get me to thepoint, to the purpose?
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Because the purpose of your desire is not so that
you can end with some solitaryrelease.
The purpose of your desire,your sexual desire, is to draw
you to your spouse.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
There should be an emotional connection that comes
about from that release togetherand what way that looks like.
So I think the other big partof this is solo masturbation
misses the real beauty, which isafterglow.
That's where the magic happenswithin a sexual encounter.
(28:56):
That's really, honestly, whereyou should put some effort into
considering and we've done somepodcast episodes about that but
that period in which you do feelmore emotionally, mentally,
spiritually and physicallyconnected, that's that beautiful
(29:17):
place of peace.
You don't get that when you'reoff by yourself.
When you're off by yourself.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Okay, guys, come on, this is not a parenting
conference.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
We get this question all the time.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
It's okay.
It's a good question.
How do you model a healthysexual relationship in marriage
to kids?
How do you navigate what'sappropriate versus hiding that
side of your relationship?
This is a great question.
Let me just start by sayingyour kids need to know that you
(29:56):
have an amazing sex life.
They don't need to know thedetails.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
No.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
They don't need to know when and where and how
often and what exactly, but theyneed to know you have an
amazing sex life.
Because what is everybody elsetelling them?
That marriage and sex don't gotogether and that the best place
to find sex is outside ofmarriage.
They need to know your sex lifeis better than everyone else's
(30:31):
Because you need them to wantthat.
The best sex education you willgive your kids is if they know
that marriage is the best placefor it.
That's my sermon.
I'll step down, stand and sing.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
How do you navigate this?
Well, if you're in the stagewhere you still have littles,
you just talk, and you do a lotof talking about all things
related to sexuality, but yousay things like Mommy and Daddy
have our special time and that'sa beautiful time that Mommy and
(31:14):
Daddy have and it's a gift fromGod, and that's all you have to
say.
This is mommy and daddy's time.
Remember when we said get yourkids out of your room?
Well, it's hard to have mommyand daddy time when babies are
in your bed, right?
So you need time set aside andyou're modeling to your kids
that mommy and daddy have theirown time.
(31:35):
They do not need to know what'shappening and when it's
happening, but as little kids,they need to be raised with the
understanding that mommy anddaddy have time together.
That's healthy and right.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
And as they get older , guess what they're going to
figure out that you had sexolder.
Guess what they're going tofigure out that you had sex.
It's not a secret.
There's nothing to hide there.
They will know and you needthem to know.
Again, they don't need to knowthe time.
You don't need to put lightsout on the bedroom door,
flashing lights.
You know we don't need that.
(32:09):
Okay, they don't need to hearit.
They don't need to know exactlywhat's happening.
They don't need to know whatyour lingerie looks like, but
they definitely need to knowthat it's happening and the way
that you will model what is thatis if you demonstrate that you
have a connected relationship,you have meaningful
(32:31):
conversations with each other.
They know that you have setaside time for each other, with
date nights, getaways.
They know that you came to amarriage retreat.
Make sure they know.
Make sure that they know whyyou're here.
Make sure that they know thatyou're constantly working to
improve your marriage and yoursex life.
Make sure they know and again,that's different depending on
(32:54):
whatever age.
They may be right, every agethat will be more or less
appropriate how they know, whatthey know.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
But we have a whole series on our podcast.
It's way back early on but howto talk to your kids about sex
at what stage.
You can be and should be sayingdifferent things, but they
absolutely have to know thatthat's a so many of us were
raised in homes where our sexual, everything about sex, was
(33:23):
cloaked in shame and we wereraised with a sense of, yeah,
married people have sex, but theonly only lesson or only thing
that that I ever heard was sexis bad, don't do it, don't do it
, don't do it.
And then it's like you getmarried and that's what married
people do quietly.
(33:43):
There's a lot of shame thatgets wrapped up.
If you don't want your childrento have all that shame attached
to their sexuality, then itbegins by you modeling that this
is beautiful and right and agift from God.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
All right, here's another parenting question.
Uh-oh, what are the signs thatyour kids are ready to talk
about the dangers of pornography?
Are they breathing dangers ofpornography?
Are they breathing?
The average age that a child isexposed to pornography is
something like nine years old.
That's average.
If they are breathing, if theyhave friends, they need to know.
(34:31):
They need to know what it lookslike and what to do about it
when they see it.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
There's a set of books that we highly recommend.
That is a children's bookcalled Good Pictures, bad
Pictures.
I'm sorry, I can't remember thename of the author.
Do you happen to know GoodPictures, bad Pictures?
There's kind of like a juniorversion and then a little bit
older children's book, but it'sa great, great resource to
(34:58):
introduce this idea of there aregood pictures and there are bad
pictures.
And here is the action planwhen you see a bad picture
because it's not, if it is when.
So equip your children with aplan.
You better be the safe place intheir plan.
(35:20):
You are not the source ofcondemnation or shame.
Satan is the enemy, not yourkid.
So when they come to you andthey will you be the one that
(35:41):
safely reassesses the boundariesand helps them navigate.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Yeah, I mean, that's not just pornography, that's
true about sex in general.
You must be the expert, becauseif you, if your kids don't see
you as the expert, they're goingto find someone else to get the
advice from.
And where are they going to getadvice about sex?
Their friends, the internet, Imean.
(36:08):
Are those reliable sources ofinformation for your kids?
Speaker 2 (36:16):
And let me tell you this is a hard conversation and
I've had it over and over withmy kids and you know what I did
I cried.
I cried with them for the evilthat it is.
I cried with them for the lossof innocence in that moment.
That's okay.
Let them see that this hurts,but that you are there to help
(36:39):
guide them and protect them.
But they better be seeing thereason for protection, because
sex and marriage is beautiful.
So promoting the beauty, thegift, the ideal, helps take away
the power of the evil.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Well, yeah, if all you do is tell them that all of
this is bad and we don't talkabout sex and we don't talk
about pornography, we don't talkabout all of the other things,
or the only time we talk aboutit is when we're condemning some
aspect of it, and they neversee the ideal, then they'll find
something else.
They'll find someone else totell them something different
(37:22):
than the truth.
You must be proactive.
So when are they ready?
When they are breathing is whenyou must begin the conversation
about what truth is and be ableto prepare them for what
they're likely to see.
Can you go into further detailon how the act of sex can
(37:51):
glorify God?
Give examples?
Well, we're not going to gettoo graphic, but it is a seeming
contradiction, at least in thecircles where I grew up.
It is a seeming contradictionthat sex is a spiritual
(38:14):
experience and that oursexuality is directly tied to
our spirituality.
When God created mankind, in thesame breath, in the same
sentence, it is recorded inGenesis, chapter one, that he
(38:34):
made us in the image of God andhe made us male and female.
He made us sexual and in hisimage, in the very same breath,
god loves sex and he gives it asa gift, and even from the
(39:01):
standpoint of me and my spouseenjoying this beautiful gift of
exquisite pleasure andsatisfaction and connection,
when I am grateful, when Iapproach and when I receive that
gift with thanksgiving, thatglorifies the God who made it.
(39:25):
Listen, god does not leave yourroom when you have sex.
He must be, he is there and heis especially there when he is
invited there.
God can and will make your sexlives immensely gratifying and
(39:49):
beautiful.
And when you acknowledge wherethe gift came from, that is when
you glorify him.
That's a way that you glorifyhim At the same time, kind of
going back to even where webegan this whole conversation
this week that our sexual desireshould be pointing us to
(40:12):
something greater.
Desire should be pointing us tosomething greater.
And when we engage in theintimate union of Jesus and his
(40:41):
bride, that final consummation,that final perfect union of
Jesus and the church, what willit be like when we, as the
people of God, those who longdeeply for him, are finally
(41:09):
joined to him, fully enwrappedand penetrated by his presence?
What will that be like?
Do you long for that day?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Because that moment of pleasure, that incredible
moment of pleasure youexperience with your beloved,
that's a tiny, tiny taste ofthat.
That moment better be makingyou say thank you, god.
I long for you.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Your sexual relationship glorifies God.
Sexual relationship glorifiesGod.
Well, we hope you had as muchfun listening to our responses
as we had hosting the retreatthis year.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
It is always so much fun.
If you were some of our friendswho got to come and join us,
thank you.
Thank you for being there.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
And I would challenge you how would you have answered
those questions?
We would love to know.
We'd love to hear your feedback.
You can contact us by emailingpodcast at intimatecovenantcom,
or you can submit anonymousfeedback and questions by going
to our websiteintimatecovenantcom slash
podcast.
Speaker 2 (42:29):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're always truly humbled byall your encouragement and your
support, and we want to give aspecial thank you to our Patreon
subscribers, who come alongsideus every month in a very real
way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
(42:50):
to have you join us too.
You can subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
And I'll just add Patreon subscribers, those of
you that did not come to theretreat this year.
You did not know that yourPatreon subscriptions helped us
to sponsor eight differentcouples who were able to come to
the retreat this year onpartial or full scholarships,
and that is due in large part tothose of you who contribute to
(43:18):
Patreon every month.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
So thank you to that?
Yes, we mostly use our Patreonfunds for our scholarship fund
and we're very, very thankful.
And those couples would like tosay thank you.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
Thank you for sure.
Until next time, keep strivingand don't settle.
Hey, jen, how are you feeling after the 2024 Annual
Marriage Retreat?
Elated and exhausted, great.
Today on the podcast, we'resharing an excerpt from the live
Q&A at the 2024 MarriageRetreat, including our answer to
this question how does the actof sex glorify God?
Let's do it.
(00:20):
Welcome friends, welcome.
Hey, we're Matt and Jen.
This is the Intimate Covenantpodcast, where we believe the
Bible and great married sex.
Both belong on your kitchentable, that's right.
We are talking about godlymarriage.
We're talking about hot sex inthat godly marriage and
(00:43):
emotionally fulfilling oneness.
That's right.
We are so glad that you're withus.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Thanks for being here .
Thanks for joining us.
If you'd like to find out moreabout us, you can look at our
website, intimatecovenantcom,and if you would like to have a
voice on this podcast, we'd loveto hear from you.
You can email us at podcast atintimatecovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Absolutely so glad to have you with us, and you are
here for a very special episode.
This is our annual sharing ofthe retreat.
We just finished our 2024retreat.
For those of you listening whowere there with us, hello, yes,
hello.
We miss you already.
It was such a special weekend.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
So many special couples, some regulars that show
up every year and lots of brandnew faces, lots of new faces
yeah, I think I counted and wehad about half and half Half
people that were returning, hadcome to previous retreats and
half newbies, and we loved it.
We squeezed in 51 couples,which is the max capacity for
(01:51):
the room that we have held theretreat in for the past five
years.
It was our seventh retreat, ourfifth year at the current
location, and who knows wherewe're going next.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Who knows?
Yeah, we're touring some spacesin the next few weeks, so we'll
see.
But today's episode is anexcerpt from the Q&A session
from that recent annual marriageretreat.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Yeah, we always film a live Q&A there, which is a lot
of fun.
Normally you and I are justsitting here in front of podcast
microphones with nobody staringat us, but at the retreat we do
the Q&A session and we film it,record it so that we can share
it here on the podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, it's a different experience when we're
asking and responding toquestions as they are being
asked, but it's also a fun time.
We're going to share ourresponse to one of those
questions, which is can you gointo further detail on how the
act of sex can glorify God?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
I thought that was a great question.
I really liked digging intothat one, and we're also going
to share responses to questionswe got about sex toys.
And we're also going to shareresponses to questions we got
about sex toys solar I can neversay that solo masturbation.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Not doing it in the sun, but rather doing it by
yourself.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Modeling a healthy sexual relationship for your
kids and when to talk to yourkids about pornography.
A couple of kid questions inthere.
We're always like we're not aparenting resource, but we sort
of are when it comes to how dowe do this as parents?
How do we model this?
Well?
So we had some great questions.
How many questions did we getin total?
(03:33):
I?
Speaker 1 (03:33):
think there were over 45 questions that were asked.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Y'all, we got enough material for another three years
worth of podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
We got to 10 of those questions that we were able to
answer live, and the rest we'lljust have to save.
We're going to share five ofthose questions with you today
and maybe we'll share the otherfive at some other point.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
We got lots more to come up yes.
So we had a great great time atthe retreat.
If you missed it, you missed anamazing weekend.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Yeah for sure.
Amazing weekend.
Amazing people Felt like thecontent really hit home for a
lot of them.
We really forced a lot of, Ithink, valuable conversations.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
I like how you say forced.
We did, force we do like wecall it, couples conversation,
and so throughout our sessions,we'll have the couples break off
and spend 10, 15 minutesdiscussing some very targeted
questions.
So, yeah, yeah, we're forcingyou to talk to your beloved.
(04:38):
How dare we?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Yes, well, in either event, we had a great time.
We certainly enjoyed our time,and I think everyone else
enjoyed their time.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
And if you missed it and you want to come next year,
we are going to do it again.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Jen, has you heard it here live?
Jen has agreed to do this again.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
We're working on finalizing some details
regarding location and dates,but targeting the end of
September, like we have had itfor the last seven years.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Seven years.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
We're almost always the fourth weekend in September,
so go ahead and pencil it intoyour calendars.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Pencil it in.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
But really put in ink on your calendars that
registration will open onValentine's Day, february 14th
2025.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Yeah, you definitely want to mark that in your
calendars, because we have soldout now at least the last three
or four years.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Yeah, and this year, and we keep selling out earlier
and earlier.
We were sold out by June thisyear.
Now we had a couple ofcancellations and then people we
could get in off of our waitlist.
But if you want to come you gotto make your plans to register
in the springtime.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
We would hate to put you on the waitlist.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
That's right, all right.
So before we share our Q&A,though, we do want to take this
opportunity to thank some of thecompanies that helped sponsor
the retreat.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Yes, we couldn't do this without, we couldn't make
it as special as fun withoutthese sponsors, and we want to
start out by listing ouraffiliate sponsors.
These are brands who havepartnered with Intimate Covenant
to provide great products andto enhance marriages, products
that enhance covenant sex.
(06:19):
These are brands who haveagreed and partnered with us so
that when you purchase fromthese brands, when you use our
special links or our specialdiscount codes, your purchase
helps to support our mission atIntimate Covenant, to help to
spread God's word about godlysex and holy covenant marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
All of these great companies also help to support
the retreat by providing doorprizes and contributions to the
gift bags.
We always do welcome gift bagsfor our guests and we provide
that to all of our guests, andso we're just really thankful
for these companies.
We would only ever sponsor witha company that has obviously
(07:05):
the same mindset as we do thatsex is for marriage and we want
to be promoting companies thatpromote the covenant of marriage
and sex and the sanctity.
We're not looking to promotecompanies that you know turn sex
into what God has not made itto be Precisely so.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
These companies all do that, and they certainly
align with the principles thatwe think should govern our
decisions about how we go aboutfinding these products and how
we go about supporting them.
So, all of these companies, youcan find their links on our
(07:46):
show notes for each of theseepisodes, and so we certainly
encourage you to take advantageof that.
The first company is MarriedDance.
Married Dance has partneredwith us for a long time, and I
think they've been a sponsor forpretty much every retreat.
If I'm not mistaken, they havebeen.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
They're our longest sponsor.
Mary Dance is aChristian-friendly,
marriage-centered sex toy andmarital aid store for couples,
and that store is nudity-free ontheir website, so safe shopping
.
They're going to be promotingproducts that are designed to be
used together as a couple anddisplaying them in a way that
(08:26):
you would be comfortable to lookat, and they will mail them to
you in a way that you'recomfortable to receive.
In other words, a very discreetpackage.
Nobody needs to know what's onyour front doorstep and if you
shop from our link for specialsavings and part of your
purchase will then supportIntimate Covenant, like Matt
(08:49):
said previously, Yep.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Another sponsor that has also partnered with us for a
couple of years is Coco New.
Coco New is committed tohelping people lead healthier,
happier lives by offering 100%safe and organic personal care
products.
Yeah, particularly yes, theyhave a line of personal
lubricants, both coconutoil-based as well as water-based
(09:13):
.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
We are big proponents of lube.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
You know that.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
And we want you, using the lube, make your time
comfortable for everybody.
Coco New is a great companydoing a lot of good work within
supporting marriages, and soyour purchase through our link
helps support Intimate Covenantand you get 15% off by using the
coupon code Intimate Covenant.
(09:40):
So go get yourself some newlube.
Everybody needs new lube.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Take advantage.
Another company that has alsoagain partnered with us for a
number of years now and we'vepartnered actually with them on
a couple of yeah, it'sreciprocal yeah a couple of
different projects.
That company is Dating Divas,strengthening marriages, one
date at a time.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Dating Divas is such a fun website.
Somebody at the retreatmentioned to me that it's like
falling down.
You know the little, the rabbit, what's it called?
A rabbit hole rabbit trail,rabbit trail, whatever that
metaphor is.
That's what it's like when yougo into the Dating Divas website
.
There are so many creativethings to look at, to
(10:22):
contemplate.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Just a lot of really smart people that have put
together a lot of fun things.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
If you shop from our link, part of your purchase will
again help support IntimateCovenant, and so we would love
for you to do that.
But we particularly want totell you about a new product to
Dating Diva, and that is calledthe Sexy Subscription Boxes.
Oh, I'm intrigued.
These are fun.
They sent us an example, onethat we actually gave out as a
(10:54):
door prize at our retreat.
Lots of fun.
Sexy Subscription is aquarterly bedroom box, so every
three months, dating Divas willsend the couples a discreet box
Again no label on the outside ofthe box to give it away.
Within that discreet box issomething new to try in the
(11:17):
bedroom together, and it's notjust products, but it's like
this full packaged sexy datewith activities that are meant
to help you connect emotionallyand sexually.
And so it's again, it's not justproducts, it's it's like an
entire experience.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Exactly, and it's fun because, in this case, both of
you are going to be surprised bywhat's in the box, right?
So it's not like one of you.
Both of you are going to besurprised by what's in the box,
right?
So it's not like one of youpicked something out to give as
a gift.
Both of you are going to besurprised.
It's an easy way, then, to addsome excitement and some
playfulness which who doesn'tneed more playfulness in their
lives?
Playfulness back into thebedroom, and it helps to create
(12:00):
just these sexy date ideas.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yeah, and you can use them just in the privacy of
your own bedroom.
You can take them with you to ahotel, right?
Lots of different ways to usethem, but we think the sexy
subscription is a really fun newproduct from Dating Divas.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Excellent, excellent idea, and Dating Divas does
everything so well.
You will not be disappointed.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
All right.
And then a new to ussponsorship affiliate is
Honoring Intimates.
They provide modest and classypremium lingerie model free.
So this is again a website thatyou can go to feel comfortable
at looking at their lingerie.
You're not going to see whatyou don't need to be seeing it's
(12:44):
displayed on mannequins, not onlive people.
Yeah, and Honoring Intimates isall about promoting sex within
marriage, and so if you use ourlink, you will get 20% off and
you'll be supporting IntimateCovenant.
So great way to get yourselfsome new lingerie.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Sounds like a win-win .
Speaker 2 (13:05):
But another lingerie company we also want to promote.
We're all about promotingmultiple lingerie companies.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
The more choices, the better, in my mind, you need a
lot of good, cute lingeriepieces right?
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Another company, it's called Ginger and Peach.
I love the name.
I know, isn't it cute?
Ginger and Peach?
Ginger, ginger and peachlingerie is a Christian husband
and wife owned brand and theyalso are working to bring classy
, model free lingerie to themarket.
Beautiful, beautiful pieces andyou can get 10% off of your
(13:39):
order and support IntimateCovenant with the code Intimate
Covenant.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
So we definitely want to encourage you to check out
those affiliates Again.
You can find those links in theshow notes.
Please feel free to takeadvantage of that.
The savings, and we certainlywould appreciate your support in
that.
We certainly also want tomention some of the other
retreat sponsors who are notaffiliates necessarily, but they
(14:03):
are also big supporters.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Big supporters and we're incredibly generous
providing stuff for our retreatattendees, both for the door
prize and for the welcome bagUltimate Intimacy.
We've been big fans of UltimateIntimacy for a long time.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
You've heard us support them here in the past.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
That's right, and so thank you, ultimate Intimacy for
your support.
A new to us company, show HerOff, which is an online dance
classes that you can take fromthe privacy of your bedroom with
your beloved, and they donateda free dance course.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Yeah, a great option to learn to move and to be
physically and even emotionallyengaged with your spouse.
So, thank you to Show Her Off.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
And then the Adventure Challenge.
They are makers of some reallyfun scratch-off books a whole
variety of ones, butparticularly they have a
couple's edition scratch-offdate adventure book and then an
in-bed scratch-off adventurebook, and now they have cards
little mini cards yes,scratch-off cards for mini dates
(15:13):
.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So lots of fun.
Connection cards Great stuff,Great stuff.
Check out the adventurechallenge.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
And then, last but not least, our good friend Jay
Parker at Hot Holy, humorous.
Jay's always great at sendingus a few books that we love to
give out.
If you've not read the Hot Holyand Humorous blog or the book
by the same name, jay has awhole selection of different
books, but particularly Hot Holyand Humorous.
Highly recommend that book.
(15:39):
We love Jay Parker.
She came and was a guestspeaker at our retreat a couple
of years ago and just a reallygood author.
We love pointing people herdirection.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Thank you, jay, for that donation and, as always,
for your support.
We certainly appreciate that.
Before we get into the Q&A, wealso should give a shout out to
our friend Jacob Mock.
Jacob handled all of the audiotech setup this year to make
sure that we sounded great atthe live event, but also made
(16:09):
sure that the recording qualitywas perfect.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
We're so excited about this.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Jacob.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Jacob is really good at all things tech and he
finally convinced you, Matt, tolet him help, and we're so
thankful that you said yes.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Yeah, I mean, if you've heard previous episodes
with our live Q&As, you know,you will immediately know that
this recording that Jacob gotfor us is light years better
than what we have gotten in thepast at live events.
So again, thank you, jacob.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Big thank you, jacob.
Thank you for making theweekend less stressful for Matt
and just overall it was great.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Just better in general.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Very thankful.
All right, matt.
So that goes through all of thebeginning stuff, because we've
got to do all of our shout outs.
But now let's get to the Q&A.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Let's do it.
What are your thoughts on sextoys?
Does it say anything about thequality of your sex life if you
use them?
Does it say anything good orbad about your relationship if
you do or do not use sex toys inyour sex life?
(17:16):
I think that's a good questionbecause we do have sponsors,
folks that provide door prizesor other sponsorships, companies
from sex toy makers anddistributors, lingerie makers,
distributors, dancing lessons,all these other lubricants, that
(17:41):
sort of thing, lubricants, thatsort of thing, All of those
things I should say none ofthose things are necessary for
an outstanding, amazing sex life.
Some folks find them helpful,Some folks find them aversive,
and that's they're not in the ofthemselves, right or wrong,
(18:01):
Like we talked about, If theybecome a substitute for your
spouse or if they becomesomething that is an obsession
or there's pressure to use themor not use them.
If they are, as we like to say,these things can be either a
barrier or a bridge toconnection.
(18:22):
Depends on how you use them andwhat you use them for in your
relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
So I think, something like specifically the question
asked about sex toys.
I think there's a lot of shameand maybe some justified shame.
Some sex toys are meant forconnection and others are not,
and so even that broad categoryof marital aids it depends.
(18:53):
So we are never prescribing foryour marriage what we think you
should do and, frankly, you'renever going to know what it is
that we do or do not have in ourmarriage bed.
We are simply here to start theconversation within your
marriage about what is availablewhen it comes to these outside
(19:14):
resources.
In addition, we want to helpprovide for you places that are
safe to shop.
We would not encourage you togo into these stores that are
along the highway and you seebillboards for, because within
those shops are going to be awhole lot of things that do not
promote the sanctity of covenantlove and the holiness of what
(19:38):
should be in your marriage bed,and so our aim is to always
provide for you a safe place toshop if you want to shop.
Now, that said, we're here tosay there doesn't need to be
shame wrapped up unnecessarilyand there can be a lot of good
If you are a wife that has avery difficult time experiencing
(20:02):
orgasm, very difficult timeexperiencing orgasm, a marital,
you know?
Some sorts of sex toys can moreeasily help you experience that
.
Now, your goal isn't that.
Your goal is connection.
But if you feel like that'smissing in your marriage, then
we would encourage you to maybeconsider adding that in.
(20:23):
That said, we would alwaysencourage that this should be
something that happens with thetwo of you present and together.
Again, like Matt said earlier,this is never meant to be a
substitute for your spouse.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
And these don't make good Mother's Day gifts Pursuers
.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
This isn't what she wants with her breakfast and bed
tray that the kids made.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
If you are going to surprise your spouse with a gift
like this, you better be deadon absolutely sure that that is
something that she would want,which means you better have
already had a conversation,precisely dead on absolutely
sure that that is something thatshe would want.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Which means you better have already had a
conversation.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Precisely.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
So if this isn't already a part of your marriage,
do not say Matt and Jen said weshould get this and by the way,
surprise, here it is.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
You can blame us for a lot of things.
You cannot blame us for thatfight.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
That is on you.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
All right.
One of the constant themes ofthe podcast and presentations is
no solo masturbation.
This is not a command orprohibit, or prohibit Sorry,
prohibition, thank you FromScripture other than if it
involves desire for someone, notspouse.
If the sole object of fantasyis spouse, who is sexually
(21:52):
unavailable and physical releaseavoids temptation, why not?
I guess first I want to startwith my spouse is physically
unavailable.
I think we have a misconceptionthat if my spouse is not up for
(22:15):
intercourse, then then that'sthe only option that we have.
That's the only option that Ihave for sex, because we've
limited the definition of sex.
We've limited it to includeonly intercourse, and I would
suggest to you that sex lookslike a lot of different things.
Sex is the physical engagementof two individuals for the
(22:41):
purpose of pleasure andconnection.
So to be physically unavailablein my mind would only mean that
they are like physically, notin the room.
But even then, you know we livein a world with technology
where most of us could call orFaceTime our spouse at any point
(23:05):
, anytime, anywhere, no matterwhere we are.
It's not possible for everyoneunder every circumstance, but I
would suggest to you that yourspouse is physically available
more times than we might my.
My suggestion would be if I'mgoing to, if I'm looking for sex
(23:29):
, I would challenge you to digdown about what are you actually
looking for.
Are you looking for sex or areyou looking for release?
Those are two different things.
And if all that I'm looking forto satisfy myself is release,
you've missed the big purpose ofsex.
(23:52):
The purpose of sex is not for myown personal pleasure.
That's why God limits thesexual relationship to the
covenant of marriage.
That is implicit in the idea ofsex.
It is a way that we know and beknown.
That's why the Bible uses.
(24:13):
When the Bible talks about sex.
Even in the Old Testament, thevery first mention of sex is
that Adam knew his wife Eve andthey conceived.
That's not just a meaninglesseuphemism for sex.
That is what sex is for.
It is knowing, and so when Iuse my sexuality for my own
(24:36):
gratification, I'm missing theopportunity.
Now, I would concede the Bibledoes not say anything
specifically about masturbation,solo masturbation, but I also
have to take into account thatjust because there's not a thou
shalt not.
I am also called to look atwhat is the purpose of what I am
(25:01):
doing and if my motivation isto avoid the confrontation of
asking my spouse to engage inthis with me, then maybe I'm
missing the point.
Maybe I'm just trying toappease myself rather than avoid
what would otherwise berequired to risk rejection.
(25:25):
Sometimes Masturbation is easybecause I don't have to engage
with anyone.
I don't have to risk rejection.
That is, in fact, the greatappeal to pornography for men.
It's not about the sex part ofit, it's about the part that
(25:46):
allows me to avoid the risk ofrejection.
I can avoid being emotionallyvulnerable, I can avoid having
to confront my spouse and I canavoid having to pursue them in a
way that is best for me.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
So if I'm wasting that opportunity on just myself,
then I'm never challengingmyself to grow myself and to
grow the relationship well, andthis says, um, sexually
unavailable that the spouse issexually unavailable, and you
(26:23):
know we try to answer thesequestions from the standpoint of
the person asking the question.
But I would encourage everyoneto consider what does it look
like for me to be sexuallyunavailable to my spouse, and
how does that come across tothem?
And is that something I shouldbe Now?
Is it okay to say no?
(26:45):
Well, I would say to you it'sokay to say not now, ask me
later.
So should you always beavailable?
Well, no, the aisle of Walmartis not a place for you to be
available, right?
So we're not going to always beavailable to every whim.
We're not going to always beavailable to every whim.
(27:10):
But if my spouse perceives thatI have very definite available
and unavailable times, then Iwould challenge you to consider
why is that?
And, like Matt was saying atthe beginning, I mean, frankly,
there are a lot of ways that wecan share our sexual energies
together.
So if parts of my body areunavailable but I am able to be
(27:36):
present, be with, then that'savailable.
Just because some part of mybody may not be able to engage
doesn't mean my heart and mymind can't engage.
And so, again, it's aboutconnection.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Yep, and I would challenge you.
Why would I be ashamed to dothat in front of my spouse?
Why am I going to the shower orto the bathroom or some private
place to do that?
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Your question to ask yourself is if the purpose of
sex is connection.
Do I feel more connected to myspouse after solo masturbation?
Did that actually get me to thepoint, to the purpose?
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Because the purpose of your desire is not so that
you can end with some solitaryrelease.
The purpose of your desire,your sexual desire, is to draw
you to your spouse.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
There should be an emotional connection that comes
about from that release togetherand what way that looks like.
So I think the other big partof this is solo masturbation
misses the real beauty, which isafterglow.
That's where the magic happenswithin a sexual encounter.
(28:56):
That's really, honestly, whereyou should put some effort into
considering and we've done somepodcast episodes about that but
that period in which you do feelmore emotionally, mentally,
spiritually and physicallyconnected, that's that beautiful
(29:17):
place of peace.
You don't get that when you'reoff by yourself.
When you're off by yourself.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Okay, guys, come on, this is not a parenting
conference.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
We get this question all the time.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
It's okay.
It's a good question.
How do you model a healthysexual relationship in marriage
to kids?
How do you navigate what'sappropriate versus hiding that
side of your relationship?
This is a great question.
Let me just start by sayingyour kids need to know that you
(29:56):
have an amazing sex life.
They don't need to know thedetails.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
No.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
They don't need to know when and where and how
often and what exactly, but theyneed to know you have an
amazing sex life.
Because what is everybody elsetelling them?
That marriage and sex don't gotogether and that the best place
to find sex is outside ofmarriage.
They need to know your sex lifeis better than everyone else's
(30:31):
Because you need them to wantthat.
The best sex education you willgive your kids is if they know
that marriage is the best placefor it.
That's my sermon.
I'll step down, stand and sing.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
How do you navigate this?
Well, if you're in the stagewhere you still have littles,
you just talk, and you do a lotof talking about all things
related to sexuality, but yousay things like Mommy and Daddy
have our special time and that'sa beautiful time that Mommy and
(31:14):
Daddy have and it's a gift fromGod, and that's all you have to
say.
This is mommy and daddy's time.
Remember when we said get yourkids out of your room?
Well, it's hard to have mommyand daddy time when babies are
in your bed, right?
So you need time set aside andyou're modeling to your kids
that mommy and daddy have theirown time.
(31:35):
They do not need to know what'shappening and when it's
happening, but as little kids,they need to be raised with the
understanding that mommy anddaddy have time together.
That's healthy and right.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
And as they get older , guess what they're going to
figure out that you had sexolder.
Guess what they're going tofigure out that you had sex.
It's not a secret.
There's nothing to hide there.
They will know and you needthem to know.
Again, they don't need to knowthe time.
You don't need to put lightsout on the bedroom door,
flashing lights.
You know we don't need that.
(32:09):
Okay, they don't need to hearit.
They don't need to know exactlywhat's happening.
They don't need to know whatyour lingerie looks like, but
they definitely need to knowthat it's happening and the way
that you will model what is thatis if you demonstrate that you
have a connected relationship,you have meaningful
(32:31):
conversations with each other.
They know that you have setaside time for each other, with
date nights, getaways.
They know that you came to amarriage retreat.
Make sure they know.
Make sure that they know whyyou're here.
Make sure that they know thatyou're constantly working to
improve your marriage and yoursex life.
Make sure they know and again,that's different depending on
(32:54):
whatever age.
They may be right, every agethat will be more or less
appropriate how they know, whatthey know.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
But we have a whole series on our podcast.
It's way back early on but howto talk to your kids about sex
at what stage.
You can be and should be sayingdifferent things, but they
absolutely have to know thatthat's a so many of us were
raised in homes where our sexual, everything about sex, was
(33:23):
cloaked in shame and we wereraised with a sense of, yeah,
married people have sex, but theonly only lesson or only thing
that that I ever heard was sexis bad, don't do it, don't do it
, don't do it.
And then it's like you getmarried and that's what married
people do quietly.
(33:43):
There's a lot of shame thatgets wrapped up.
If you don't want your childrento have all that shame attached
to their sexuality, then itbegins by you modeling that this
is beautiful and right and agift from God.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
All right, here's another parenting question.
Uh-oh, what are the signs thatyour kids are ready to talk
about the dangers of pornography?
Are they breathing dangers ofpornography?
Are they breathing?
The average age that a child isexposed to pornography is
something like nine years old.
That's average.
If they are breathing, if theyhave friends, they need to know.
(34:31):
They need to know what it lookslike and what to do about it
when they see it.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
There's a set of books that we highly recommend.
That is a children's bookcalled Good Pictures, bad
Pictures.
I'm sorry, I can't remember thename of the author.
Do you happen to know GoodPictures, bad Pictures?
There's kind of like a juniorversion and then a little bit
older children's book, but it'sa great, great resource to
(34:58):
introduce this idea of there aregood pictures and there are bad
pictures.
And here is the action planwhen you see a bad picture
because it's not, if it is when.
So equip your children with aplan.
You better be the safe place intheir plan.
(35:20):
You are not the source ofcondemnation or shame.
Satan is the enemy, not yourkid.
So when they come to you andthey will you be the one that
(35:41):
safely reassesses the boundariesand helps them navigate.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Yeah, I mean, that's not just pornography, that's
true about sex in general.
You must be the expert, becauseif you, if your kids don't see
you as the expert, they're goingto find someone else to get the
advice from.
And where are they going to getadvice about sex?
Their friends, the internet, Imean.
(36:08):
Are those reliable sources ofinformation for your kids?
Speaker 2 (36:16):
And let me tell you this is a hard conversation and
I've had it over and over withmy kids and you know what I did
I cried.
I cried with them for the evilthat it is.
I cried with them for the lossof innocence in that moment.
That's okay.
Let them see that this hurts,but that you are there to help
(36:39):
guide them and protect them.
But they better be seeing thereason for protection, because
sex and marriage is beautiful.
So promoting the beauty, thegift, the ideal, helps take away
the power of the evil.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Well, yeah, if all you do is tell them that all of
this is bad and we don't talkabout sex and we don't talk
about pornography, we don't talkabout all of the other things,
or the only time we talk aboutit is when we're condemning some
aspect of it, and they neversee the ideal, then they'll find
something else.
They'll find someone else totell them something different
(37:22):
than the truth.
You must be proactive.
So when are they ready?
When they are breathing is whenyou must begin the conversation
about what truth is and be ableto prepare them for what
they're likely to see.
Can you go into further detailon how the act of sex can
(37:51):
glorify God?
Give examples?
Well, we're not going to gettoo graphic, but it is a seeming
contradiction, at least in thecircles where I grew up.
It is a seeming contradictionthat sex is a spiritual
(38:14):
experience and that oursexuality is directly tied to
our spirituality.
When God created mankind, in thesame breath, in the same
sentence, it is recorded inGenesis, chapter one, that he
(38:34):
made us in the image of God andhe made us male and female.
He made us sexual and in hisimage, in the very same breath,
god loves sex and he gives it asa gift, and even from the
(39:01):
standpoint of me and my spouseenjoying this beautiful gift of
exquisite pleasure andsatisfaction and connection,
when I am grateful, when Iapproach and when I receive that
gift with thanksgiving, thatglorifies the God who made it.
(39:25):
Listen, god does not leave yourroom when you have sex.
He must be, he is there and heis especially there when he is
invited there.
God can and will make your sexlives immensely gratifying and
(39:49):
beautiful.
And when you acknowledge wherethe gift came from, that is when
you glorify him.
That's a way that you glorifyhim At the same time, kind of
going back to even where webegan this whole conversation
this week that our sexual desireshould be pointing us to
(40:12):
something greater.
Desire should be pointing us tosomething greater.
And when we engage in theintimate union of Jesus and his
(40:41):
bride, that final consummation,that final perfect union of
Jesus and the church, what willit be like when we, as the
people of God, those who longdeeply for him, are finally
(41:09):
joined to him, fully enwrappedand penetrated by his presence?
What will that be like?
Do you long for that day?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Because that moment of pleasure, that incredible
moment of pleasure youexperience with your beloved,
that's a tiny, tiny taste ofthat.
That moment better be makingyou say thank you, god.
I long for you.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Your sexual relationship glorifies God.
Sexual relationship glorifiesGod.
Well, we hope you had as muchfun listening to our responses
as we had hosting the retreatthis year.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
It is always so much fun.
If you were some of our friendswho got to come and join us,
thank you.
Thank you for being there.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
And I would challenge you how would you have answered
those questions?
We would love to know.
We'd love to hear your feedback.
You can contact us by emailingpodcast at intimatecovenantcom,
or you can submit anonymousfeedback and questions by going
to our websiteintimatecovenantcom slash
podcast.
Speaker 2 (42:29):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're always truly humbled byall your encouragement and your
support, and we want to give aspecial thank you to our Patreon
subscribers, who come alongsideus every month in a very real
way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
(42:50):
to have you join us too.
You can subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
And I'll just add Patreon subscribers, those of
you that did not come to theretreat this year.
You did not know that yourPatreon subscriptions helped us
to sponsor eight differentcouples who were able to come to
the retreat this year onpartial or full scholarships,
and that is due in large part tothose of you who contribute to
(43:18):
Patreon every month.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
So thank you to that?
Yes, we mostly use our Patreonfunds for our scholarship fund
and we're very, very thankful.
And those couples would like tosay thank you.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
Thank you for sure.
Until next time, keep strivingand don't settle.
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