December 8, 2025 • 38 mins
Today we’re sharing some excerpts from our live Q&A session during a recent Marriage Day in Illinois. Listen to our responses to questions about:
- How to find unity of spiritual purpose when we have different passions?
- As a wife, how do I avoid nagging in my role to be a helpmeet?
- How can we create a community for porn recovery and support for betrayed spouses?
- Practically speaking, how do we pray together as a couple?
- How do I deal with with sexual dysfunction?
Warning: This podcast covers necessary and important topics about the marriage relationship and sex. We use frank language without being crude or crass. Our approach is biblical and wholesome, but not intended for singles — especially not for children.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:04):
Welcome, friend.
This is the Intimate CovenantPodcast.
Where we believe the Bible andGreat Marriage Sect both along
on your kitchen table.
That's right, we're talkingabout godly marriage with hot
sex and emotionally fulfillingoneness.
That's what God has in mind foryour marriage.
That's what we want to encouragehere in this format.
(00:24):
And we would love for you tojoin us.
If you're new to the podcast,you can find out more about
Intimate Covenant at ourwebsite, intimateCovenant.com.
Go there and you'll find notonly more about us, you'll find
our catalog of episodes.
You'll also find some resourcesthat you may find useful in
building oneness in yourmarriage, and that's what we're
(00:46):
all about.
Certainly we would love to hearback from you, uh, whether you
have feedback about this episodeor anything else, suggestions,
uh other feedback, uh, any anytopics that you would love to
hear about, uh, we would love tohear from you.
Podcast at intimatecovenant.comis where you can email us.
Or just go to our website,intimatecovenant.com slash
podcast.
(01:07):
Uh, there'll be a form therethat you can submit that
feedback anonymously uh or askquestions anonymously if that's
your preference.
Uh again, love to have yourfeedback.
Thanks for joining us.
Uh today on the uh podcast,we're sharing some excerpts from
a recent marriage day inIllinois.
Uh we had the privilege totravel to Central Illinois in
(01:28):
October.
And uh we're gonna we're gonnashare some excerpts from the Q
⁇ A session that we did there,including uh just a quick
preview, some discussions abouthow to find unity in your
spiritual purpose as a couple,as a as a married couple, uh,
some conversation about nagging.
What does that mean and whatdoes that look like and uh what
does that also not mean and notlook like?
(01:51):
Uh we're gonna talk aboutcreating a community for porn
recovery.
Uh so uh some discussion aboutcreating a community uh of
vulnerability in your church oruh with other uh members of your
community, uh, about how to dothat in a way that is um
vulnerable and effective in uhhelping men and women recover
from porn, and also uh a littlebit about how to address that uh
(02:14):
with spouses who have beenbetrayed.
We're gonna talk about uhanswering a question about how
to pray together as a couple,something that not everyone is
uh familiar with or comfortablewith.
So a good discussion there.
And uh then finally uh anotherquestion about how to deal with
sexual dysfunction.
Uh, when uh things don'tphysically work like we would
(02:37):
like them to in our sexual uhrelationship, uh, how to deal
with that.
So, some uh great questions uhand uh great uh uh feedback from
the audience.
Uh so we're very glad to be ableto share that with you.
Uh, it was really just a greatday uh in Central Illinois with
some new and old friends.
We were very warmly welcomed bya very highly engaged and
(03:00):
spiritually focused group, andwe spent the day with these
various topics.
Uh, really, overall, our themewas just emphasizing the
spiritual significance ofmarriage and sex.
And um so the episode todayconsists of a few of our answers
to some of the questions thatwere submitted during the live
QA session that we had there.
(03:21):
We we had so many questions andreally so many great questions
that were submitted to us uh onthat day from this very
thoughtful uh and engaged group.
Uh, it was really difficult toeven decide what topics to cover
uh in that QA session, and evenmore difficult for me to choose
which of those excerpts we weregoing to share with you.
(03:43):
Uh, I probably could have postedthe entire hour-long session and
uh all of us would have beenbenefited from that.
But uh, some of those questionswe couldn't get on, uh, couldn't
fit in the episode today.
I can almost certainly assureyou that you will see and hear,
I should say, rather, those uhresponses to those questions in
the future, uh the ones that wedon't get to today.
(04:03):
But um, for now, you'll we'll uhwe'll go with what we've got
here.
Uh before we get to thosequestions and responses, I did
want to remind everyone there isstill an opportunity for you to
book a marriage day in 2026 foryour community.
Uh, we've received a lot ofinterest uh and uh some plans
(04:25):
that are already in the worksfor some trips that uh we're
gonna be taking in 2026 to somebrand new locations for us.
Uh probably gonna revisit someold locations or some previous
locations, but uh we're lookingforward to getting out into some
new venues, new uh groups, newuh exposures.
Um again, I'll reiterate for thenext three groups that commit to
(04:47):
a date in 2026, uh, as weannounced last time on the
podcast, we are going to waiveour speaking fees.
Uh Jenny and I are just adamantthat we want 2026 to look
differently in a number of waysfor us personally and for
Intimate Covenant.
And so we want to reach out andum book some dates uh and get
(05:08):
out and be with folks that wehave either been with before or
uh maybe even introduceourselves to some new new
groups.
Uh very much looking forward tothat.
So uh reach out to us um viaemail if you are interested in
bringing us to your community.
Again, that's podcast atintimatecovenant.com.
And uh we would love, love to umtalk to you about bringing
(05:32):
Intimate Covenant to yourcommunity in 2026.
Also, uh, one other quickannouncement it is the gift
giving season, and so we want toremind everyone about some of
our affiliate um businesses uhthat we have worked with um in
the past and uh some somebusinesses that have been uh
great supporters of IntimateCovenant and our uh purpose.
(05:55):
Um these are affiliatebusinesses who honor the
sanctity of marriage, and so forthat reason, we have partnered
with them uh in sharing the newsabout the products that they
have that they that they selland offer uh that also help to
promote the sanctity of marriageand specifically promoting um
(06:16):
sexual intimacy in in yourmarriage.
Uh those those companies includeMarried Dance.
Um they've been supporters ofIntimate Covenant uh honestly
from the beginning and uh doneso in in very generous ways.
Uh we certainly can highlyrecommend them.
Uh, we also want to shout outCoco New, uh, also Date Your
Spouse, another group that'sbeen with us uh essentially from
(06:39):
the beginning, formerly known asDating Divas, but uh Date Your
Spouse has great resources formarriages.
Uh and also um uh a Christianlingerie company called Honoring
Intimates, um, a great uhpartnership there, and also
partnership with Ginger andPeach.
I mentioned these companiesbecause uh, again, they have
(07:01):
been generous to us in the past,and they also generously offer
exclusive discounts for ourlisteners.
If you uh uh go to the shownotes, um you'll get links and
uh discount codes for thesecompanies that will provide you
with uh again exclusivediscounts for our listeners if
you use those codes when you uhcheck out or shop from the links
(07:24):
that are provided there.
Uh, we would certainly encourageyou to do that.
Um, great opportunity for somereally high-quality, great gifts
and resources for you and yourspouse to enjoy this holiday
season.
So uh before we share these QAexcerpts, I again want to invite
your feedback.
If you have a question that youwould like for us to address on
the podcast, you can submit thatquestion to us by sending us an
(07:45):
email or submitting uh anonymousfeedback through our website.
Again,intimatecovenant.com/slash
podcast is where you can go todo that.
So without further ado, althoughI don't think anybody knows what
an ado is, uh without furtherado, let's get to the questions.
SPEAKER_00 (08:05):
How can a wife be a helpmate with a problem without
coming off as nagging?
SPEAKER_02 (08:12):
Hmm.
I I think there's a lot ofmisunderstanding about what the
word nagging means.
Um nagging is not the same asreminding.
Like, I'll just use thisexample.
It's a simple, maybe badexample, but I hope it expresses
what I'm trying to communicate.
(08:33):
If my wife asked me to take outthe trash and I didn't do it for
whatever reason, and she remindsme of that, you know, an hour
later, there's a lot of waysthat she could go about
reminding me about that.
Right?
She could say, Um, honey, I knowyou're busy, but I really need
(08:54):
you to take the trash out.
Or she could say, You are sodumb and so stupid you can't
even remember to do one simplething that I ask you to do.
SPEAKER_01 (09:07):
Big difference.
SPEAKER_02 (09:08):
Is that the same question?
Is it the same request?
Yes, but is one kind andempathetic, and is one nagging
and contentious?
Yeah, hope you can see thedifference.
Reminding is not the same asnagging.
If she's just reminding, she'shelping me.
Admittedly, I am not great atmultitasking, and I'm not great
(09:31):
at doing one thing andremembering what the next step
needs to be, or what are theother things that are on my list
that need to happen.
SPEAKER_00 (09:38):
But wise, you are generally, if we're being
stereotypical, you are generallygreat at that because God has
created your brain to be thatnurturer, which means you have
all those tabs open in yourbrain at a time.
It is not nagging to say, oh,honey, don't forget this.
(09:59):
That is being his sustainerbeside.
That's using your brain in theway that God intended it.
So, husbands, she might need toremind you that's not nagging.
As long as she has that that iscoming from the baseline of
respect, that's where it makesthe difference.
(10:20):
You know your heart, wives.
And if your heart is one ofrespect for your husband and all
of the things that are on hisplate and all of the ways that
he is serving your home, thenwhen you come alongside him and
you say, honey, this is aproblem that needs dealing with,
(10:40):
if that is from a place ofrespect, then you're
acknowledging him and his role,and you're being the help meet
God intended you to be.
The biggest danger I see is whenwomen choose.
Oh, I'm not gonna nag, but I'mgonna sit here and judge.
(11:01):
And I'm gonna have a heart ofresentment, but I'm not nagging.
SPEAKER_02 (11:06):
But just wait till he has a perspective.
SPEAKER_00 (11:10):
But I'm gonna hold it against him.
I'm gonna punish him.
I'm gonna show him that I I knewwhat needed to get done, but you
didn't do it, and I'll hold thatagainst you.
That's not respect.
SPEAKER_02 (11:26):
And then when you miss the trash truck the next
day, I'll definitely remind youthen.
Um that is that is not that iscontentious.
That is contentiousness.
That is exactly what theproverbs warn against multiple
times.
It's not gently reminding.
Now, those reminders can also bereceived in a couple of
(11:46):
different ways as well, right?
When your wife comes and says,hey honey, um, remember, I I
definitely need you to take offthe trash.
Uh, you could say, Oh, you areso right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for helping meremember.
Thanks for keeping me on track.
That's very generous of you toum be gracious to remind me,
(12:07):
please forgive me forforgetting.
Or you could say, you're not mymom.
You can't tell me what to do.
So it goes both ways, right?
And uh, but I I I do think itboils down to, in a sense, of
starting with defining what isacting, what is nagging, what is
(12:29):
being contentious, and what ishopefully attempting to be
helpful.
SPEAKER_00 (12:33):
And remember who the true enemy is.
It's not each other.
You are allies in this battle.
So treat each other as such.
How does a wife support herhusband and a husband lead his
wife if they disagree on theirspecific passion or purpose?
SPEAKER_02 (12:58):
You're looking at me like I'm supposed to know the
answer to that.
Um first of all, I I think if ifwe're talking about a specific
um purpose.
SPEAKER_00 (13:12):
Hey, honey, do you want to start a podcast?
It's a good thing.
Theoretically.
SPEAKER_02 (13:17):
Someone might propose that at some point.
SPEAKER_00 (13:18):
Someone might propose that.
And some wife might be like, eh,not so sure about that.
SPEAKER_02 (13:24):
Well, for for one, I would say, number one, you you
have to be in alignment withyour overall purpose.
You have to be in alignment withyour overall um goals.
And I I hope that that is agiven that both of you would be
aligned in that your goal is tohonor and glorify God.
(13:46):
Everything else from that pointis details.
However, if we're talking aboutusing Jen's example, if one of
the ways that we want to do thatis one of us wants to start a
podcast, the other is vehementlyopposed to that, there's no
(14:06):
compromise to that, right?
It's not like you're gonnacompromise and say, well, I want
to do a podcast, you don't, sowe're gonna do a 10-minute
podcast, and that would be acompromise.
It is it is a a dilemma thatdoes not have a place in the
middle.
I I I don't know that there is asignificant answer to that other
(14:30):
than you both have to approachit with grace, and both of you
have to agree on the directionthat you're going to go.
And I would guess that in somecases, that is not a single
conversation.
You may not solve that today.
You probably won't solve it nextweek.
And somebody's mind isn't goingto change about that with just a
(14:53):
couple of conversations,perhaps.
SPEAKER_00 (14:56):
But for us, our conversations often, when we're
when we're trying to decide whatdoes this look like in our
marriage, the biggestconversation uh, I mean the
biggest question to ask is why?
Why would us doing this and ustogether, not just you or me,
but why would us doing thispromote connection in our
(15:20):
marriage and be a place ofworking in God's kingdom?
So you have to be willing todefine that yourself.
Will this bring connection inour marriage?
And will this be a work in thekingdom?
Now, as the one who's mayberesistant, well, if I can hear a
(15:41):
why and hear the heart behindit, then I might be willing to
come alongside.
But also, when you define yourwhy together, then it gives you
a place to say, well, maybe notthis, but this.
Now, together we can say, howcan we do something, a specific
(16:04):
passion, when we know the whybehind that, what is a way that
we can tailor that to meet bothof our needs and our desires?
SPEAKER_02 (16:12):
So the it takes the conversation away from the what
and moves it to what is what arewe actually trying to accomplish
that is bigger than just thewhat?
So, if my motivation for wantingto start a podcast is, well, I
think we could help some marriedcouples and help them understand
things, okay.
Well, are there other ways thatwe can accomplish that goal that
(16:33):
do not involve heruncomfortability?
Maybe we start with, okay, well,let's start with a small Bible
study, or let's start byinviting these couple over to
our home and we can mentor themthat way.
Are we still accomplishing thesame purpose in that case?
Yes.
Are we doing it the way that Iwant to do it?
No.
(16:54):
But I can certainly be satisfiedwith knowing, okay, well, it's
not what I thought we would bedoing, but I'm still getting to
the same place.
And so that's where theconversation needs to be less
about the what and a whole lotmore about the why.
And both of you then can come upwith solutions that still
accomplish the why.
(17:23):
Okay, there's a bunch ofquestions about how to set up a
porn recovery group.
SPEAKER_00 (17:30):
And how to set up a woman's support group.
And I love that this is a groupof people that are like, we've
bought in, tell us how.
SPEAKER_02 (17:40):
We need this.
SPEAKER_00 (17:42):
Um we wish we could point you to the perfect way and
the perfect answer.
And as of now, we haven't foundit.
SPEAKER_02 (17:50):
We haven't seen it.
We haven't done it perfectlyeither.
SPEAKER_00 (17:53):
But here's what we have seen over and over and
over.
Because there's no perfectanswer, it just doesn't happen.
That's the worst thing thatcould happen.
So can I tell you a hundredpercent exactly if you follow
this formula, it's gonna beamazing.
(18:13):
It's gonna be exactly everyone'sgonna let go of the bondage of
porn.
Every woman is going to forgiveand walk with her husband in an
understanding way.
I wish I could tell you this isexactly how to do that, and I
can't.
It's going to look different indifferent congregations
(18:34):
according to your needs and yourspecific um relationships that
you have built.
SPEAKER_02 (18:40):
Yeah, I also can't point you to the perfect
resource written by the rightbrother or sister and published
by the right group of people tobe approved by everybody and
know that their theology linesup exactly with what we think
about all the issues.
SPEAKER_00 (18:59):
I If we let all of these we can't find the perfect
stop us from even starting.
So we're gonna be here to tellyou start.
It won't look perfect, it'll bemessy, but start.
This is the biggest problemfacing your churches and your
brothers and sisters and theirmarriages, and they're even
(19:23):
especially singles.
Start helping, start fightingthis evil.
We've heard of plenty ofcongregations that have a
support group for women, asupport group for men.
What does that look like as faras making sure there's privacy
and nobody saying what theyshouldn't say to each other?
(19:45):
I'm gonna first challenge theneed for that.
Now, I understand, I understandwhat we're worried about, but I
think the bigger picture isoften that we're worried about
being vulnerable and real withone another.
We're worried about other peopleknowing that we have sinned.
(20:07):
The church is not meant to be aplace where all the perfect
people show up.
The church is a group of sinnerswho have been broken and who are
willing to look each other inthe eye and say, I see your
brokenness, and I am here tohelp because we know the answer.
(20:27):
Start being that church.
Stop being afraid.
You know, we like Matt wassaying, we we have met in the
past especially with a lot ofcouples that brought a lot of
brokenness to our catch.
And we see their fear that wewill never see them the same.
And you know what I say to them?
I love you more.
(20:48):
And I hope you can embrace thatwhen you look at your brother
and sister and you see the sinthat they're working through,
that should make you love themmore.
So stop being afraid of beingreal with one another.
Start being willing to hold eachother accountable, to witness
(21:12):
each other in sin, to hearconfessions that are hard, and
to love each other towards more.
Be that church.
SPEAKER_02 (21:23):
This is especially important for leaders.
I mean, leaders, you set thetone for the depth of
vulnerability that is possiblein a group.
You set that tone.
And I know that's probably notwhat you signed up for, but you
are setting that tone.
The degree to which you arewilling to be vulnerable and
(21:46):
admit your sins and yourmistakes and your weaknesses and
your struggles is the same depthto which your members and your
sheep are going to be willing todo the same.
And so if your members thinkthat you are perfect, they will
have a hard time thinking thatthey should be anything or admit
(22:07):
to anything less than that.
Now, maybe you are perfect.
Great, then your congregation'sin a great spot.
But I doubt that's the case.
Even if it's something that youstruggled with in the past, your
vulnerability in admitting thatand sharing your struggle and
sharing your success over thatis just as helpful.
(22:33):
But I certainly know ofsituations where things like
this are happening.
We I should maybe I shouldn'ttell the story.
We've been to places, put onseminars like this, and known
that the elders in some groupshave told their preacher, don't
go to that marriage day becausepeople will think you have a
(22:53):
problem in your marriage, and wecan't let people know that.
Or groups where men arestruggling through their sexual
bondage to their bondage topornography.
The elders have told preachersor even themselves, we can't go,
(23:16):
because what if people think wehave a problem with this?
Well, what if they did?
What if?
So this starts withvulnerability at all levels.
This starts with providing whatthey call in some circles
(23:37):
psychological safety.
People have to know that if theyadmit there are problems, that
they're not going to becastigated, they're not going to
be isolated, they're not goingto be shunned, they're not going
to be punished.
And that starts with leadership.
Now, how you set this up and howyou do this, if people need to
(24:00):
be able to do this anonymouslyto start with, then you can
figure out the logistics ofthat.
SPEAKER_00 (24:05):
In our congregation, the men started a purity group,
and they made it very clear comeif you have a problem, come if
you've never had a problem, comeif you have already fought this
battle.
Well, every man falls in allthree of those categories,
right?
But so like it made it safe forthe men to show up to do that.
(24:28):
Phrase it that way.
Same thing with the women.
SPEAKER_02 (24:33):
And we made it clear in our group, what we talked
about here is for us.
If you need to share with yourwife what's going on with you,
feel free.
But do not share with your wifewhat other men don't need to
know.
Or what your sorry, don't shareabout other men what your wife
does not need to know.
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
And same thing with the women.
Trust each other well enough tobelieve that you will hold each
other accountable to that.
SPEAKER_02 (25:02):
But if you can't trust your brothers and sisters
with sensitive information, areyou really a family?
I mean, maybe not.
And that's maybe that goes alittle bit deeper.
So do something.
Whatever that looks like.
If you want the name of theprogram we use, it's called
(25:22):
Conquer Series.
Like I said, it's cheesy andcorny and not very well done
from a biblical basis, but itstarted good conversations.
SPEAKER_00 (25:32):
For women, there's the book.
Um, it's not actuallyspecifically about walking with
corn recovery with your husband,but it's called Uninvited.
That's a good one.
But start something.
SPEAKER_02 (25:43):
Start something.
If you want more resources, sendme an email.
I'll send you a list of booksand things that have been
helpful in looking at some ofthis.
What does it look likepractically to pray together as
a couple?
SPEAKER_00 (25:58):
I like this question because it's like, okay, great,
tell me how to do that.
SPEAKER_02 (26:04):
Um raise your hand.
How many of you women feel likeyou were ever trained how to
pray out loud?
SPEAKER_00 (26:15):
I know a lot of you don't feel like you were,
because when we all get togetheras a woman, what's the question
we don't want asked?
Will you lead the prayer?
Like most of us are like, oh,just don't call on me.
SPEAKER_02 (26:27):
Well, a lot of it feel that way too, to be honest.
SPEAKER_00 (26:30):
All right, so it's an equal, equal problem.
But women, I think there hasbeen a disservice done to us in
that we have we have misappliedto some level, hear me
carefully, we have misapplied tosome level what it looks like in
(26:51):
our public worship serviceversus what it looks like in our
homes.
You are one.
You're covenantly bound to oneanother.
He is not your priest.
You do not access God throughhim.
You are one.
SPEAKER_02 (27:10):
Thank God because I am not an adequate priest.
SPEAKER_00 (27:13):
Now, God has a specific plan for our public
assembly and our worship, and Iembrace that fully and wholly,
and we can get into a wholediscussion as to the whys of
that.
But we maybe miss theopportunity to have the
spiritual bond we are meant tohave when we refuse to also
(27:36):
vocalize a prayer in thepresence of our husband.
Now that made me reallyuncomfortable when I first
thought of that, when I firststarted making myself
contemplate why am I terrifiedto pray in front of my husband?
But I will tell you, it was apowerful shift and change in my
(27:58):
marriage, and I know a lot ofother marriages, when I leaned
into that and challenged mybelief on that, my whys about
that.
So practically, what does itlook like to break together?
Well, in our marriage, I'm notgoing to tell you what you have
to do with yours, but I willtell you in our marriage,
practically, it looked like mebeing willing to vocalize.
(28:24):
Because there is nothing moreintimate and connecting and
powerful than taking eachother's name before the throne
of God and hearing yourbeloveds, praying specifically
with and for you.
SPEAKER_02 (28:43):
We just simply have a conversation with each other
and with God.
What is on our hearts?
What do we need?
What do we want?
What do we desire for eachother?
What do we desire for ourmarriage, for our kids?
(29:03):
And again, there is no greaterlife-giving thing than having
your spouse praying for you andgoing before the throne of God
together and them offering theirprayers on your behalf.
Nothing more intimate.
SPEAKER_00 (29:22):
I am called to be his help meet, his sustainer
aside.
Shouldn't I be taking that tothe throne of God?
Who is the ultimate sustaineraside?
A very present help in time oftrouble.
I better be praying for him.
And I will tell you that's deepconnection when you will do that
(29:46):
together.
SPEAKER_02 (29:47):
What that also requires, though, is that I know
what my spouse needs.
And that is a conversation,right?
How do I know what to pray forif I haven't had a conversation
about it?
How do I know what my spouse isstruggling with?
How does my spouse know what Ineed unless I have expressed
(30:08):
that to them?
How does she know what myweaknesses are?
How does she know what I amfacing, what I'm struggling
with, what's keeping me awake atnight?
How does she know unless Ireveal that?
Now, yes, she can simply pray,please, God, help my spouse.
Again, is that sufficient?
(30:29):
Sure.
But if our if our men got up onSunday morning tomorrow and they
say, God, you know what we need.
Amen.
SPEAKER_00 (30:37):
Reminds me of our son when he was really little.
He would say, Dear God, pleasebe with everybody you can be
with.
We just took care of everybody.
SPEAKER_02 (30:48):
That's time efficient, I suppose.
But but that doesn't feel veryintimate.
That doesn't feel very close orone.
So again, I think it's perfectlyreasonable and I think ideal for
you both to go before the throneof God as equal heirs on behalf
(31:09):
of one another, and especially,you know, pray for the sick,
pray for the wounded, pray forthe foreign missionary, whatever
it is.
And that's important, but cometogether and pray for each other
and for your marriage.
That's, you know, that's whatthat time is for.
SPEAKER_00 (31:28):
And and don't save that for when everything is
going well.
How do we handle conflict in ourmarriage?
Well, maybe first we involve Godin it and we go before the
throne of God together,admitting where we're failing
our spouse and where we needhelp and we need to do better.
Use prayer as a means to embracethe conflict in your marriage.
SPEAKER_02 (31:57):
How does one deal with impotence after seeking
medical help?
Accept it and move on.
SPEAKER_00 (32:06):
I wanted us to answer this question because I
think it gets to the heart ofwhat sex is.
And we haven't as yet explainedthat.
And I know you're all thinking,like, Jen, we know what sex is.
Thank you very much.
But I want to challenge us onwhat is sex?
How would you define sex?
(32:28):
Many of us define sex by certainbody parts doing certain things,
and that is sex.
We put it into a box.
But sex, I think, is broaderthan that.
Sex is about sharing your sexualenergies together and with one
another.
And when you broaden it out fromthat, then there's a lot of
(32:52):
different ways that that canhappen.
Because again, overall, sex is arelationship, it's not one
specific act.
And that's powerful in yourmarriage because there's always
going to be seasons within yourlife where bodies can or cannot
(33:13):
do or be what we would like themto be.
And if we have defined sex sonarrowly that it takes certain
body parts being able to docertain things, and that's all
that sex is, then we're, Ithink, missing out on the
fullness.
Again, sex is meant to bespiritual.
(33:35):
Do you think that God reallymade it to where that only when
your certain body parts areworking are you supposed to have
this as part of your marriage?
SPEAKER_02 (33:43):
And that also means that it's impossible then for
folks with medical conditions tonot be able to be one flesh, not
be able to fulfill that aspectof the relationship.
So if we limit our definition ofsex to intercourse only, uh then
we're missing out on the realpoint.
(34:04):
Uh the the question is how doesone deal with impotence after
seeking medical help?
And again, that can meandifferent things to different
people, but just to be, I'mgonna interpret that as erectile
dysfunction, right?
You are not able to, this personmaybe is not able to maintain an
erection enough to engage inintercourse.
(34:25):
Okay, and guess what, gentlemen,it's all coming for you.
Okay, this is just a naturalpart of aging, and it affects
some men worse than others.
And sometimes it happens even atvarious times, and that's okay
too.
But here's the thing if I havelearned and encouraged growth in
(34:46):
my sexual relationship with myspouse to learn how to author my
sexuality in ways that don'trequire a body part, a certain
body part, if I can engage insexual activity without having
to use my penis, we'll just beblunt about it, then I have sex
insurance.
(35:08):
Because if my sex and if mypenis isn't working, I have
other ways to engage in sexualactivity.
I have other ways to findconnection through sexual
activity together.
SPEAKER_00 (35:21):
Because again, your goal is not just release.
Your goal is not just orgasm,pleasure for one or the other of
you.
Your goal is connection.
SPEAKER_02 (35:33):
And so, oh sorry.
SPEAKER_00 (35:35):
Go ahead.
SPEAKER_02 (35:35):
And so, gentlemen, your penis is not the only
conduit to connection.
I know that's a revelation forsome of us.
There are lots of other ways tofind sexual connection with each
other, and it doesn't have toinvolve a single body part.
(35:57):
So, how do I deal with it?
Well, you can accept the factthat maybe your penis isn't
working like it should, like youwant it to, but that is not the
end of your sexual relationship.
It doesn't have to be the end ofyour sexual relationship.
So, yeah, you should move on,but move on and find other ways
to find sexual connection.
(36:19):
For some of us, that requires alittle bit of creativity.
Some of us have no problemimagining other ways we can do
that.
But it will require sometimes alittle bit of changing of the
script.
Right?
We get into this routine.
We have a script.
We know, especially if you'vebeen married for more than five
days, you know, you learn acertain script that works pretty
(36:46):
much most of the time.
And we get into that rut in thatroutine, and we know it works,
and so we go there every time,and we're unwilling or unable to
think outside of that box, andso then we get trapped in that
box.
But imagine just simply sharingyour sexual desire, your sexual
fantasies, your sexual umdreams.
(37:10):
Imagine sharing your sexualconnections verbally and
physically, and share that withone another.
SPEAKER_00 (37:18):
All through the lens and the goal of connection.
SPEAKER_02 (37:24):
All right, so yes, accept it and move on to
something maybe even better.
Thanks again so much forlistening, and uh, as always,
thank you for your support.
We continue to just be soincredibly uplifted and
encouraged by uh all theoutpouring of emails, phone
(37:44):
calls, and text messages uhsupporting us through some uh
challenges uh in the this pastyear.
Um we love you all.
We pray that your holiday seasonis full of peace and love and
joy uh as it should be.
And um in spite of all thebusyness and the focus that
comes uh in this time of year onfamily and friends and kids and
(38:07):
everything else that goes into abusy holiday season, we just
want to encourage you be sure totake some time to make some very
special connections with yourspouse.
Don't waste the opportunities ofthis season to build connection
in your marriage.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Until next time, keep strivingand don't settle.
Welcome, friend.
This is the Intimate CovenantPodcast.
Where we believe the Bible andGreat Marriage Sect both along
on your kitchen table.
That's right, we're talkingabout godly marriage with hot
sex and emotionally fulfillingoneness.
That's what God has in mind foryour marriage.
That's what we want to encouragehere in this format.
(00:24):
And we would love for you tojoin us.
If you're new to the podcast,you can find out more about
Intimate Covenant at ourwebsite, intimateCovenant.com.
Go there and you'll find notonly more about us, you'll find
our catalog of episodes.
You'll also find some resourcesthat you may find useful in
building oneness in yourmarriage, and that's what we're
(00:46):
all about.
Certainly we would love to hearback from you, uh, whether you
have feedback about this episodeor anything else, suggestions,
uh other feedback, uh, any anytopics that you would love to
hear about, uh, we would love tohear from you.
Podcast at intimatecovenant.comis where you can email us.
Or just go to our website,intimatecovenant.com slash
podcast.
(01:07):
Uh, there'll be a form therethat you can submit that
feedback anonymously uh or askquestions anonymously if that's
your preference.
Uh again, love to have yourfeedback.
Thanks for joining us.
Uh today on the uh podcast,we're sharing some excerpts from
a recent marriage day inIllinois.
Uh we had the privilege totravel to Central Illinois in
(01:28):
October.
And uh we're gonna we're gonnashare some excerpts from the Q
⁇ A session that we did there,including uh just a quick
preview, some discussions abouthow to find unity in your
spiritual purpose as a couple,as a as a married couple, uh,
some conversation about nagging.
What does that mean and whatdoes that look like and uh what
does that also not mean and notlook like?
(01:51):
Uh we're gonna talk aboutcreating a community for porn
recovery.
Uh so uh some discussion aboutcreating a community uh of
vulnerability in your church oruh with other uh members of your
community, uh, about how to dothat in a way that is um
vulnerable and effective in uhhelping men and women recover
from porn, and also uh a littlebit about how to address that uh
(02:14):
with spouses who have beenbetrayed.
We're gonna talk about uhanswering a question about how
to pray together as a couple,something that not everyone is
uh familiar with or comfortablewith.
So a good discussion there.
And uh then finally uh anotherquestion about how to deal with
sexual dysfunction.
Uh, when uh things don'tphysically work like we would
(02:37):
like them to in our sexual uhrelationship, uh, how to deal
with that.
So, some uh great questions uhand uh great uh uh feedback from
the audience.
Uh so we're very glad to be ableto share that with you.
Uh, it was really just a greatday uh in Central Illinois with
some new and old friends.
We were very warmly welcomed bya very highly engaged and
(03:00):
spiritually focused group, andwe spent the day with these
various topics.
Uh, really, overall, our themewas just emphasizing the
spiritual significance ofmarriage and sex.
And um so the episode todayconsists of a few of our answers
to some of the questions thatwere submitted during the live
QA session that we had there.
(03:21):
We we had so many questions andreally so many great questions
that were submitted to us uh onthat day from this very
thoughtful uh and engaged group.
Uh, it was really difficult toeven decide what topics to cover
uh in that QA session, and evenmore difficult for me to choose
which of those excerpts we weregoing to share with you.
(03:43):
Uh, I probably could have postedthe entire hour-long session and
uh all of us would have beenbenefited from that.
But uh, some of those questionswe couldn't get on, uh, couldn't
fit in the episode today.
I can almost certainly assureyou that you will see and hear,
I should say, rather, those uhresponses to those questions in
the future, uh the ones that wedon't get to today.
(04:03):
But um, for now, you'll we'll uhwe'll go with what we've got
here.
Uh before we get to thosequestions and responses, I did
want to remind everyone there isstill an opportunity for you to
book a marriage day in 2026 foryour community.
Uh, we've received a lot ofinterest uh and uh some plans
(04:25):
that are already in the worksfor some trips that uh we're
gonna be taking in 2026 to somebrand new locations for us.
Uh probably gonna revisit someold locations or some previous
locations, but uh we're lookingforward to getting out into some
new venues, new uh groups, newuh exposures.
Um again, I'll reiterate for thenext three groups that commit to
(04:47):
a date in 2026, uh, as weannounced last time on the
podcast, we are going to waiveour speaking fees.
Uh Jenny and I are just adamantthat we want 2026 to look
differently in a number of waysfor us personally and for
Intimate Covenant.
And so we want to reach out andum book some dates uh and get
(05:08):
out and be with folks that wehave either been with before or
uh maybe even introduceourselves to some new new
groups.
Uh very much looking forward tothat.
So uh reach out to us um viaemail if you are interested in
bringing us to your community.
Again, that's podcast atintimatecovenant.com.
And uh we would love, love to umtalk to you about bringing
(05:32):
Intimate Covenant to yourcommunity in 2026.
Also, uh, one other quickannouncement it is the gift
giving season, and so we want toremind everyone about some of
our affiliate um businesses uhthat we have worked with um in
the past and uh some somebusinesses that have been uh
great supporters of IntimateCovenant and our uh purpose.
(05:55):
Um these are affiliatebusinesses who honor the
sanctity of marriage, and so forthat reason, we have partnered
with them uh in sharing the newsabout the products that they
have that they that they selland offer uh that also help to
promote the sanctity of marriageand specifically promoting um
(06:16):
sexual intimacy in in yourmarriage.
Uh those those companies includeMarried Dance.
Um they've been supporters ofIntimate Covenant uh honestly
from the beginning and uh doneso in in very generous ways.
Uh we certainly can highlyrecommend them.
Uh, we also want to shout outCoco New, uh, also Date Your
Spouse, another group that'sbeen with us uh essentially from
(06:39):
the beginning, formerly known asDating Divas, but uh Date Your
Spouse has great resources formarriages.
Uh and also um uh a Christianlingerie company called Honoring
Intimates, um, a great uhpartnership there, and also
partnership with Ginger andPeach.
I mentioned these companiesbecause uh, again, they have
(07:01):
been generous to us in the past,and they also generously offer
exclusive discounts for ourlisteners.
If you uh uh go to the shownotes, um you'll get links and
uh discount codes for thesecompanies that will provide you
with uh again exclusivediscounts for our listeners if
you use those codes when you uhcheck out or shop from the links
(07:24):
that are provided there.
Uh, we would certainly encourageyou to do that.
Um, great opportunity for somereally high-quality, great gifts
and resources for you and yourspouse to enjoy this holiday
season.
So uh before we share these QAexcerpts, I again want to invite
your feedback.
If you have a question that youwould like for us to address on
the podcast, you can submit thatquestion to us by sending us an
(07:45):
email or submitting uh anonymousfeedback through our website.
Again,intimatecovenant.com/slash
podcast is where you can go todo that.
So without further ado, althoughI don't think anybody knows what
an ado is, uh without furtherado, let's get to the questions.
SPEAKER_00 (08:05):
How can a wife be a helpmate with a problem without
coming off as nagging?
SPEAKER_02 (08:12):
Hmm.
I I think there's a lot ofmisunderstanding about what the
word nagging means.
Um nagging is not the same asreminding.
Like, I'll just use thisexample.
It's a simple, maybe badexample, but I hope it expresses
what I'm trying to communicate.
(08:33):
If my wife asked me to take outthe trash and I didn't do it for
whatever reason, and she remindsme of that, you know, an hour
later, there's a lot of waysthat she could go about
reminding me about that.
Right?
She could say, Um, honey, I knowyou're busy, but I really need
(08:54):
you to take the trash out.
Or she could say, You are sodumb and so stupid you can't
even remember to do one simplething that I ask you to do.
SPEAKER_01 (09:07):
Big difference.
SPEAKER_02 (09:08):
Is that the same question?
Is it the same request?
Yes, but is one kind andempathetic, and is one nagging
and contentious?
Yeah, hope you can see thedifference.
Reminding is not the same asnagging.
If she's just reminding, she'shelping me.
Admittedly, I am not great atmultitasking, and I'm not great
(09:31):
at doing one thing andremembering what the next step
needs to be, or what are theother things that are on my list
that need to happen.
SPEAKER_00 (09:38):
But wise, you are generally, if we're being
stereotypical, you are generallygreat at that because God has
created your brain to be thatnurturer, which means you have
all those tabs open in yourbrain at a time.
It is not nagging to say, oh,honey, don't forget this.
(09:59):
That is being his sustainerbeside.
That's using your brain in theway that God intended it.
So, husbands, she might need toremind you that's not nagging.
As long as she has that that iscoming from the baseline of
respect, that's where it makesthe difference.
(10:20):
You know your heart, wives.
And if your heart is one ofrespect for your husband and all
of the things that are on hisplate and all of the ways that
he is serving your home, thenwhen you come alongside him and
you say, honey, this is aproblem that needs dealing with,
(10:40):
if that is from a place ofrespect, then you're
acknowledging him and his role,and you're being the help meet
God intended you to be.
The biggest danger I see is whenwomen choose.
Oh, I'm not gonna nag, but I'mgonna sit here and judge.
(11:01):
And I'm gonna have a heart ofresentment, but I'm not nagging.
SPEAKER_02 (11:06):
But just wait till he has a perspective.
SPEAKER_00 (11:10):
But I'm gonna hold it against him.
I'm gonna punish him.
I'm gonna show him that I I knewwhat needed to get done, but you
didn't do it, and I'll hold thatagainst you.
That's not respect.
SPEAKER_02 (11:26):
And then when you miss the trash truck the next
day, I'll definitely remind youthen.
Um that is that is not that iscontentious.
That is contentiousness.
That is exactly what theproverbs warn against multiple
times.
It's not gently reminding.
Now, those reminders can also bereceived in a couple of
(11:46):
different ways as well, right?
When your wife comes and says,hey honey, um, remember, I I
definitely need you to take offthe trash.
Uh, you could say, Oh, you areso right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for helping meremember.
Thanks for keeping me on track.
That's very generous of you toum be gracious to remind me,
(12:07):
please forgive me forforgetting.
Or you could say, you're not mymom.
You can't tell me what to do.
So it goes both ways, right?
And uh, but I I I do think itboils down to, in a sense, of
starting with defining what isacting, what is nagging, what is
(12:29):
being contentious, and what ishopefully attempting to be
helpful.
SPEAKER_00 (12:33):
And remember who the true enemy is.
It's not each other.
You are allies in this battle.
So treat each other as such.
How does a wife support herhusband and a husband lead his
wife if they disagree on theirspecific passion or purpose?
SPEAKER_02 (12:58):
You're looking at me like I'm supposed to know the
answer to that.
Um first of all, I I think if ifwe're talking about a specific
um purpose.
SPEAKER_00 (13:12):
Hey, honey, do you want to start a podcast?
It's a good thing.
Theoretically.
SPEAKER_02 (13:17):
Someone might propose that at some point.
SPEAKER_00 (13:18):
Someone might propose that.
And some wife might be like, eh,not so sure about that.
SPEAKER_02 (13:24):
Well, for for one, I would say, number one, you you
have to be in alignment withyour overall purpose.
You have to be in alignment withyour overall um goals.
And I I hope that that is agiven that both of you would be
aligned in that your goal is tohonor and glorify God.
(13:46):
Everything else from that pointis details.
However, if we're talking aboutusing Jen's example, if one of
the ways that we want to do thatis one of us wants to start a
podcast, the other is vehementlyopposed to that, there's no
(14:06):
compromise to that, right?
It's not like you're gonnacompromise and say, well, I want
to do a podcast, you don't, sowe're gonna do a 10-minute
podcast, and that would be acompromise.
It is it is a a dilemma thatdoes not have a place in the
middle.
I I I don't know that there is asignificant answer to that other
(14:30):
than you both have to approachit with grace, and both of you
have to agree on the directionthat you're going to go.
And I would guess that in somecases, that is not a single
conversation.
You may not solve that today.
You probably won't solve it nextweek.
And somebody's mind isn't goingto change about that with just a
(14:53):
couple of conversations,perhaps.
SPEAKER_00 (14:56):
But for us, our conversations often, when we're
when we're trying to decide whatdoes this look like in our
marriage, the biggestconversation uh, I mean the
biggest question to ask is why?
Why would us doing this and ustogether, not just you or me,
but why would us doing thispromote connection in our
(15:20):
marriage and be a place ofworking in God's kingdom?
So you have to be willing todefine that yourself.
Will this bring connection inour marriage?
And will this be a work in thekingdom?
Now, as the one who's mayberesistant, well, if I can hear a
(15:41):
why and hear the heart behindit, then I might be willing to
come alongside.
But also, when you define yourwhy together, then it gives you
a place to say, well, maybe notthis, but this.
Now, together we can say, howcan we do something, a specific
(16:04):
passion, when we know the whybehind that, what is a way that
we can tailor that to meet bothof our needs and our desires?
SPEAKER_02 (16:12):
So the it takes the conversation away from the what
and moves it to what is what arewe actually trying to accomplish
that is bigger than just thewhat?
So, if my motivation for wantingto start a podcast is, well, I
think we could help some marriedcouples and help them understand
things, okay.
Well, are there other ways thatwe can accomplish that goal that
(16:33):
do not involve heruncomfortability?
Maybe we start with, okay, well,let's start with a small Bible
study, or let's start byinviting these couple over to
our home and we can mentor themthat way.
Are we still accomplishing thesame purpose in that case?
Yes.
Are we doing it the way that Iwant to do it?
No.
(16:54):
But I can certainly be satisfiedwith knowing, okay, well, it's
not what I thought we would bedoing, but I'm still getting to
the same place.
And so that's where theconversation needs to be less
about the what and a whole lotmore about the why.
And both of you then can come upwith solutions that still
accomplish the why.
(17:23):
Okay, there's a bunch ofquestions about how to set up a
porn recovery group.
SPEAKER_00 (17:30):
And how to set up a woman's support group.
And I love that this is a groupof people that are like, we've
bought in, tell us how.
SPEAKER_02 (17:40):
We need this.
SPEAKER_00 (17:42):
Um we wish we could point you to the perfect way and
the perfect answer.
And as of now, we haven't foundit.
SPEAKER_02 (17:50):
We haven't seen it.
We haven't done it perfectlyeither.
SPEAKER_00 (17:53):
But here's what we have seen over and over and
over.
Because there's no perfectanswer, it just doesn't happen.
That's the worst thing thatcould happen.
So can I tell you a hundredpercent exactly if you follow
this formula, it's gonna beamazing.
(18:13):
It's gonna be exactly everyone'sgonna let go of the bondage of
porn.
Every woman is going to forgiveand walk with her husband in an
understanding way.
I wish I could tell you this isexactly how to do that, and I
can't.
It's going to look different indifferent congregations
(18:34):
according to your needs and yourspecific um relationships that
you have built.
SPEAKER_02 (18:40):
Yeah, I also can't point you to the perfect
resource written by the rightbrother or sister and published
by the right group of people tobe approved by everybody and
know that their theology linesup exactly with what we think
about all the issues.
SPEAKER_00 (18:59):
I If we let all of these we can't find the perfect
stop us from even starting.
So we're gonna be here to tellyou start.
It won't look perfect, it'll bemessy, but start.
This is the biggest problemfacing your churches and your
brothers and sisters and theirmarriages, and they're even
(19:23):
especially singles.
Start helping, start fightingthis evil.
We've heard of plenty ofcongregations that have a
support group for women, asupport group for men.
What does that look like as faras making sure there's privacy
and nobody saying what theyshouldn't say to each other?
(19:45):
I'm gonna first challenge theneed for that.
Now, I understand, I understandwhat we're worried about, but I
think the bigger picture isoften that we're worried about
being vulnerable and real withone another.
We're worried about other peopleknowing that we have sinned.
(20:07):
The church is not meant to be aplace where all the perfect
people show up.
The church is a group of sinnerswho have been broken and who are
willing to look each other inthe eye and say, I see your
brokenness, and I am here tohelp because we know the answer.
(20:27):
Start being that church.
Stop being afraid.
You know, we like Matt wassaying, we we have met in the
past especially with a lot ofcouples that brought a lot of
brokenness to our catch.
And we see their fear that wewill never see them the same.
And you know what I say to them?
I love you more.
(20:48):
And I hope you can embrace thatwhen you look at your brother
and sister and you see the sinthat they're working through,
that should make you love themmore.
So stop being afraid of beingreal with one another.
Start being willing to hold eachother accountable, to witness
(21:12):
each other in sin, to hearconfessions that are hard, and
to love each other towards more.
Be that church.
SPEAKER_02 (21:23):
This is especially important for leaders.
I mean, leaders, you set thetone for the depth of
vulnerability that is possiblein a group.
You set that tone.
And I know that's probably notwhat you signed up for, but you
are setting that tone.
The degree to which you arewilling to be vulnerable and
(21:46):
admit your sins and yourmistakes and your weaknesses and
your struggles is the same depthto which your members and your
sheep are going to be willing todo the same.
And so if your members thinkthat you are perfect, they will
have a hard time thinking thatthey should be anything or admit
(22:07):
to anything less than that.
Now, maybe you are perfect.
Great, then your congregation'sin a great spot.
But I doubt that's the case.
Even if it's something that youstruggled with in the past, your
vulnerability in admitting thatand sharing your struggle and
sharing your success over thatis just as helpful.
(22:33):
But I certainly know ofsituations where things like
this are happening.
We I should maybe I shouldn'ttell the story.
We've been to places, put onseminars like this, and known
that the elders in some groupshave told their preacher, don't
go to that marriage day becausepeople will think you have a
(22:53):
problem in your marriage, and wecan't let people know that.
Or groups where men arestruggling through their sexual
bondage to their bondage topornography.
The elders have told preachersor even themselves, we can't go,
(23:16):
because what if people think wehave a problem with this?
Well, what if they did?
What if?
So this starts withvulnerability at all levels.
This starts with providing whatthey call in some circles
(23:37):
psychological safety.
People have to know that if theyadmit there are problems, that
they're not going to becastigated, they're not going to
be isolated, they're not goingto be shunned, they're not going
to be punished.
And that starts with leadership.
Now, how you set this up and howyou do this, if people need to
(24:00):
be able to do this anonymouslyto start with, then you can
figure out the logistics ofthat.
SPEAKER_00 (24:05):
In our congregation, the men started a purity group,
and they made it very clear comeif you have a problem, come if
you've never had a problem, comeif you have already fought this
battle.
Well, every man falls in allthree of those categories,
right?
But so like it made it safe forthe men to show up to do that.
(24:28):
Phrase it that way.
Same thing with the women.
SPEAKER_02 (24:33):
And we made it clear in our group, what we talked
about here is for us.
If you need to share with yourwife what's going on with you,
feel free.
But do not share with your wifewhat other men don't need to
know.
Or what your sorry, don't shareabout other men what your wife
does not need to know.
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
And same thing with the women.
Trust each other well enough tobelieve that you will hold each
other accountable to that.
SPEAKER_02 (25:02):
But if you can't trust your brothers and sisters
with sensitive information, areyou really a family?
I mean, maybe not.
And that's maybe that goes alittle bit deeper.
So do something.
Whatever that looks like.
If you want the name of theprogram we use, it's called
(25:22):
Conquer Series.
Like I said, it's cheesy andcorny and not very well done
from a biblical basis, but itstarted good conversations.
SPEAKER_00 (25:32):
For women, there's the book.
Um, it's not actuallyspecifically about walking with
corn recovery with your husband,but it's called Uninvited.
That's a good one.
But start something.
SPEAKER_02 (25:43):
Start something.
If you want more resources, sendme an email.
I'll send you a list of booksand things that have been
helpful in looking at some ofthis.
What does it look likepractically to pray together as
a couple?
SPEAKER_00 (25:58):
I like this question because it's like, okay, great,
tell me how to do that.
SPEAKER_02 (26:04):
Um raise your hand.
How many of you women feel likeyou were ever trained how to
pray out loud?
SPEAKER_00 (26:15):
I know a lot of you don't feel like you were,
because when we all get togetheras a woman, what's the question
we don't want asked?
Will you lead the prayer?
Like most of us are like, oh,just don't call on me.
SPEAKER_02 (26:27):
Well, a lot of it feel that way too, to be honest.
SPEAKER_00 (26:30):
All right, so it's an equal, equal problem.
But women, I think there hasbeen a disservice done to us in
that we have we have misappliedto some level, hear me
carefully, we have misapplied tosome level what it looks like in
(26:51):
our public worship serviceversus what it looks like in our
homes.
You are one.
You're covenantly bound to oneanother.
He is not your priest.
You do not access God throughhim.
You are one.
SPEAKER_02 (27:10):
Thank God because I am not an adequate priest.
SPEAKER_00 (27:13):
Now, God has a specific plan for our public
assembly and our worship, and Iembrace that fully and wholly,
and we can get into a wholediscussion as to the whys of
that.
But we maybe miss theopportunity to have the
spiritual bond we are meant tohave when we refuse to also
(27:36):
vocalize a prayer in thepresence of our husband.
Now that made me reallyuncomfortable when I first
thought of that, when I firststarted making myself
contemplate why am I terrifiedto pray in front of my husband?
But I will tell you, it was apowerful shift and change in my
(27:58):
marriage, and I know a lot ofother marriages, when I leaned
into that and challenged mybelief on that, my whys about
that.
So practically, what does itlook like to break together?
Well, in our marriage, I'm notgoing to tell you what you have
to do with yours, but I willtell you in our marriage,
practically, it looked like mebeing willing to vocalize.
(28:24):
Because there is nothing moreintimate and connecting and
powerful than taking eachother's name before the throne
of God and hearing yourbeloveds, praying specifically
with and for you.
SPEAKER_02 (28:43):
We just simply have a conversation with each other
and with God.
What is on our hearts?
What do we need?
What do we want?
What do we desire for eachother?
What do we desire for ourmarriage, for our kids?
(29:03):
And again, there is no greaterlife-giving thing than having
your spouse praying for you andgoing before the throne of God
together and them offering theirprayers on your behalf.
Nothing more intimate.
SPEAKER_00 (29:22):
I am called to be his help meet, his sustainer
aside.
Shouldn't I be taking that tothe throne of God?
Who is the ultimate sustaineraside?
A very present help in time oftrouble.
I better be praying for him.
And I will tell you that's deepconnection when you will do that
(29:46):
together.
SPEAKER_02 (29:47):
What that also requires, though, is that I know
what my spouse needs.
And that is a conversation,right?
How do I know what to pray forif I haven't had a conversation
about it?
How do I know what my spouse isstruggling with?
How does my spouse know what Ineed unless I have expressed
(30:08):
that to them?
How does she know what myweaknesses are?
How does she know what I amfacing, what I'm struggling
with, what's keeping me awake atnight?
How does she know unless Ireveal that?
Now, yes, she can simply pray,please, God, help my spouse.
Again, is that sufficient?
(30:29):
Sure.
But if our if our men got up onSunday morning tomorrow and they
say, God, you know what we need.
Amen.
SPEAKER_00 (30:37):
Reminds me of our son when he was really little.
He would say, Dear God, pleasebe with everybody you can be
with.
We just took care of everybody.
SPEAKER_02 (30:48):
That's time efficient, I suppose.
But but that doesn't feel veryintimate.
That doesn't feel very close orone.
So again, I think it's perfectlyreasonable and I think ideal for
you both to go before the throneof God as equal heirs on behalf
(31:09):
of one another, and especially,you know, pray for the sick,
pray for the wounded, pray forthe foreign missionary, whatever
it is.
And that's important, but cometogether and pray for each other
and for your marriage.
That's, you know, that's whatthat time is for.
SPEAKER_00 (31:28):
And and don't save that for when everything is
going well.
How do we handle conflict in ourmarriage?
Well, maybe first we involve Godin it and we go before the
throne of God together,admitting where we're failing
our spouse and where we needhelp and we need to do better.
Use prayer as a means to embracethe conflict in your marriage.
SPEAKER_02 (31:57):
How does one deal with impotence after seeking
medical help?
Accept it and move on.
SPEAKER_00 (32:06):
I wanted us to answer this question because I
think it gets to the heart ofwhat sex is.
And we haven't as yet explainedthat.
And I know you're all thinking,like, Jen, we know what sex is.
Thank you very much.
But I want to challenge us onwhat is sex?
How would you define sex?
(32:28):
Many of us define sex by certainbody parts doing certain things,
and that is sex.
We put it into a box.
But sex, I think, is broaderthan that.
Sex is about sharing your sexualenergies together and with one
another.
And when you broaden it out fromthat, then there's a lot of
(32:52):
different ways that that canhappen.
Because again, overall, sex is arelationship, it's not one
specific act.
And that's powerful in yourmarriage because there's always
going to be seasons within yourlife where bodies can or cannot
(33:13):
do or be what we would like themto be.
And if we have defined sex sonarrowly that it takes certain
body parts being able to docertain things, and that's all
that sex is, then we're, Ithink, missing out on the
fullness.
Again, sex is meant to bespiritual.
(33:35):
Do you think that God reallymade it to where that only when
your certain body parts areworking are you supposed to have
this as part of your marriage?
SPEAKER_02 (33:43):
And that also means that it's impossible then for
folks with medical conditions tonot be able to be one flesh, not
be able to fulfill that aspectof the relationship.
So if we limit our definition ofsex to intercourse only, uh then
we're missing out on the realpoint.
(34:04):
Uh the the question is how doesone deal with impotence after
seeking medical help?
And again, that can meandifferent things to different
people, but just to be, I'mgonna interpret that as erectile
dysfunction, right?
You are not able to, this personmaybe is not able to maintain an
erection enough to engage inintercourse.
(34:25):
Okay, and guess what, gentlemen,it's all coming for you.
Okay, this is just a naturalpart of aging, and it affects
some men worse than others.
And sometimes it happens even atvarious times, and that's okay
too.
But here's the thing if I havelearned and encouraged growth in
(34:46):
my sexual relationship with myspouse to learn how to author my
sexuality in ways that don'trequire a body part, a certain
body part, if I can engage insexual activity without having
to use my penis, we'll just beblunt about it, then I have sex
insurance.
(35:08):
Because if my sex and if mypenis isn't working, I have
other ways to engage in sexualactivity.
I have other ways to findconnection through sexual
activity together.
SPEAKER_00 (35:21):
Because again, your goal is not just release.
Your goal is not just orgasm,pleasure for one or the other of
you.
Your goal is connection.
SPEAKER_02 (35:33):
And so, oh sorry.
SPEAKER_00 (35:35):
Go ahead.
SPEAKER_02 (35:35):
And so, gentlemen, your penis is not the only
conduit to connection.
I know that's a revelation forsome of us.
There are lots of other ways tofind sexual connection with each
other, and it doesn't have toinvolve a single body part.
(35:57):
So, how do I deal with it?
Well, you can accept the factthat maybe your penis isn't
working like it should, like youwant it to, but that is not the
end of your sexual relationship.
It doesn't have to be the end ofyour sexual relationship.
So, yeah, you should move on,but move on and find other ways
to find sexual connection.
(36:19):
For some of us, that requires alittle bit of creativity.
Some of us have no problemimagining other ways we can do
that.
But it will require sometimes alittle bit of changing of the
script.
Right?
We get into this routine.
We have a script.
We know, especially if you'vebeen married for more than five
days, you know, you learn acertain script that works pretty
(36:46):
much most of the time.
And we get into that rut in thatroutine, and we know it works,
and so we go there every time,and we're unwilling or unable to
think outside of that box, andso then we get trapped in that
box.
But imagine just simply sharingyour sexual desire, your sexual
fantasies, your sexual umdreams.
(37:10):
Imagine sharing your sexualconnections verbally and
physically, and share that withone another.
SPEAKER_00 (37:18):
All through the lens and the goal of connection.
SPEAKER_02 (37:24):
All right, so yes, accept it and move on to
something maybe even better.
Thanks again so much forlistening, and uh, as always,
thank you for your support.
We continue to just be soincredibly uplifted and
encouraged by uh all theoutpouring of emails, phone
(37:44):
calls, and text messages uhsupporting us through some uh
challenges uh in the this pastyear.
Um we love you all.
We pray that your holiday seasonis full of peace and love and
joy uh as it should be.
And um in spite of all thebusyness and the focus that
comes uh in this time of year onfamily and friends and kids and
(38:07):
everything else that goes into abusy holiday season, we just
want to encourage you be sure totake some time to make some very
special connections with yourspouse.
Don't waste the opportunities ofthis season to build connection
in your marriage.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Until next time, keep strivingand don't settle.
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