April 8, 2024 • 25 mins
In this episode, Matt & Jenn share excerpts from several different live Q&A sessions recorded at previous live events.
- How do you differentiate between responsive sexual desire and a medical problem resulting in a lack of sex drive?
- How can I keep striving for spiritual and emotional intimacy when my spouse is reluctant to do so?
- How can I overcome shame in my physical appearance that hinders me from giving myself to and fully enjoying physical intimacy with my spouse?
- Is it primarily a man’s responsibility to redeem a marriage?
- Do you have suggestions to make the bedroom a special place for us?
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Matt & Jenn
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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, Jen want to talk about dealing with a reluctant
spouse.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
You ought to be an expert at this by now.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Great.
In this episode, we're sharingour responses to questions posed
at several recent live events,including how to keep striving
for connection even when yourspouse is reluctant.
Let's do it.
(00:35):
Welcome to the IntimateCovenant podcast, where we
believe the Bible and greatmarried sex.
Both belong on your kitchentable.
That's right.
We're talking about holycovenant-bound intimate
relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant.
We offer biblical teaching andresources to help married
couples achieve a fullerrelationship and an
extraordinary sex life.
For more information, visit ourwebsite, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Welcome friends, Welcome Ni hao.
Greetings from China.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I don't even know if that's how you say it, but
that's what we're going to gowith.
But by the time you'relistening to this, we'll have
figured out how to say hello inChinese, because we will be in
China, yes.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Lord willing, we will be in China when this episode
drops in China.
Yes, Lord willing, we will bein China when this episode drops
, as we announced in the lastepisode.
Please continue to pray forsafe travels and we ask that
you'd still be praying that thesouls of the couples who are
with us would be encouraged andtouched by the Spirit of God.
We cannot wait to get back andto tell you all about what we
(01:44):
have learned, what we have seen.
So look forward to that in thenext couple of weeks, maybe even
on the next episode.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Maybe so, and in the meantime, we're sharing some
excerpts from live Q&A sessionsfrom several of our recent
marriage days.
As you know, we generally sharea few of these after we get
home from one of these events,but we never have enough time in
a single episode to share allof the great questions that we
(02:12):
get.
So we dug back through thearchives, pulled together a few
of our favorites that never madeit into an episode and we're
going to share that today.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yep.
So here's what you have to lookforward to.
One of the questions is how doyou differentiate between
responsive sexual desire orbetween a medical problem that
is resulting in a lack of sexdrive?
Yeah, good question.
And another question is how canI keep striving for spiritual
(02:42):
and emotional intimacy when myspouse is reluctant to do so?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
We're going to answer the question.
How can I overcome shame in myphysical appearance that hinders
me from giving myself to andfully enjoying physical intimacy
with my spouse?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Another question is is it primarily a man's
responsibility to redeem amarriage?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Do you have suggestions to make the bedroom
a special place for us?
Speaker 1 (03:12):
So, as you can tell some good questions, hopefully
the responses meet the qualityof the questions.
I guess that'll be up to you todecide, but we'll look forward
to sharing that with you in thisepisode.
How can you differentiatebetween withdrawal as a
(03:35):
responder and an actual medicallack of drive, and how do you
deal with that lack of drive?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Be willing to go to your doctor Get your hormones
checked, go to your doctor, andif your doctor won't talk to you
about your sex drive, go toyour doctor.
Get your hormones checked, goto your doctor.
And if your doctor won't talkto you about your sex drive.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Go to another doctor.
That's what they're there for.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
You need a better doctor if they won't talk to you
about your sexual health.
But yes, that said, I thinkit's also important to
acknowledge that lack of drive.
One of the least common lacksof drives is physical or
hormonal.
That's rarely the cause.
(04:16):
Sometimes it is.
It's rarely the cause, though.
More often lack of drive is dueto stress or other relationship
issues.
Sometimes it's hormonal ormedical and there may be health
problems.
So start with ruling that out.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Figure that out, but then look at your whole life as
a whole.
Now it's super important torecognize that sexual drive is a
use it or lose it phenomenonfor most women.
If you are not having regularorgasms, you're not getting
regular doses of oxytocin.
Your body just kind of checksout.
(04:56):
So sometimes the answer is youhave to make the choice to check
back in.
And I know that's hard whenyou're sitting in a place of I
just don't want to have sex.
Hard when you're sitting in aplace of I just don't want to
have sex.
So do the work to recognize doI not want to have sex because
(05:17):
maybe something's going on in mybody?
Do I not want to have sexbecause of my relationship?
Do I not want to have sexbecause sex doesn't feel good?
If it hurts, stop.
Figure that out, don't keepdoing something that hurts.
But if you're not havingregular sex, your body is
(05:38):
programmed to just say eh.
So if you're just waiting forsomething magically to happen to
make you want to have sex again, probably not going to happen.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And, that said, it's not necessarily even a problem
if you don't have spontaneousdesire.
That's may not necessarily evenbe your job.
You don't have to be the onewho wants it, just spontaneously
.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Again, most women would not say I want to have sex
until they are 20 minutes in tosome kind of sexual play.
You're not broken.
Most women are made to beresponders.
That is okay.
Recognize the beauty of theresponse and stop trying to be a
pursuer.
(06:22):
Stop trying to have spontaneousdrive.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, it's perfectly fine if just one of you is the
initiator and the pursuer.
That's kind of how it usuallyworks, and that means you're
working normally.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
What can I personally do to keep striving toward
emotional and spiritual intimacywhen my husband is not
interested in implementingpractical ways to do such?
I love this question, clearlyfrom the standpoint of a wife,
and it is interesting to me thatthis wife is asking how do I
strive towards emotional andspiritual intimacy with my
(07:02):
husband?
She's not asking how do Istrive towards physical intimacy
.
Now I'm having to suppose a lotin just this question, but
here's what I'm going to say.
If you're trying to haveemotional and spiritual intimacy
with your husband outside ofphysical intimacy, it will not
work because they are all meantto go together and so you cannot
(07:27):
have emotional intimacy withyour husband but say sex is off
the table.
That is not how God intendedyou to work, your husband to
work or your marriage workBecause it is within physical
intimacy that your husband isable to open up emotionally,
because the truth is he doesn'twant sex.
(07:50):
He wants connection with you.
Sex is often a man's route toemotional connection.
So, number one how's your sexlife?
Because if that's not working,then that could be part of
what's going on Now.
Maybe you're a wife who's happyand willing to be having sex
(08:12):
and you're still feeling likeyou're missing that emotional
and spiritual component withyour husband.
Tell him that.
I know that seems like a simplecop-out answer, but have the
conversation.
But have the conversation fromthe standpoint of this is what
it would look like to me.
(08:33):
Here's what I'm asking for, butthen here's what I'm willing to
do to change me, to achievethis for us.
Because if you're waiting foryour spouse to fix himself in
order for your marriage to befixed, you're missing it.
So what are you doing to seekemotional connection Now?
(08:56):
Might your efforts be rejected?
They might.
So call them out on that.
Don't just take it.
That's not submission.
Submission is not suffering insilence, so be willing to say
that that hurts.
When I ask a question and youdon't answer it, here's what I
feel.
You probably didn't intend thatto happen, but I need you to
(09:19):
know me.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
And I would say I mean, the wife is asking what
can I do to get my husband to dosomething else?
And the short answer is nothing.
You can't make somebody dosomething they don't want to do.
That's just the hard reality ofliving with other people.
I don't mean to be just liketotally dismissive of the
question, but ultimately wecould ask this question a
million ways what can I do toget my wife to have more sex
(09:45):
with me?
Well, maybe nothing.
Maybe nothing would change that.
But what my job is is to work onmy side of the equation, and
that is, if I want moreemotional or spiritual
connection in my relationship,then I'm the one that's going to
need to inject that.
If I need, if I want morespirituality in our relationship
(10:06):
, then I'm going to have to bethe one to initiate a prayer, or
I'm going to be the one to haveto suggest the workbook or the
devotional, or I'm going to haveto be the one to initiate a
prayer, or I'm going to be theone to have to suggest the
workbook or the devotional, orI'm going to have to be the one
to start reading scripture more.
I'm going to have to be the oneto take the initiative to do
that.
If that's what I want in mymarriage, and I think that's
what my marriage needs, then I'mgoing to have to be the one to
do it Now.
(10:27):
Maybe my spouse will beinspired by my actions to come
alongside.
There are definitely good waysand poor ways for me to invite
my spouse to come alongside that, but ultimately it's up to me
to do what I can do.
I can only inspire.
I cannot require not require.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
How can I overcome shame in my physical appearance
that hinders me from fullygiving myself to and enjoying
physical intimacy with my spouse?
I appreciate this question andI'm going to let you all know
that this question is asked insome form every single place we
go to.
This is a problem amongst so somany of us, and usually wives,
(11:23):
although this is not just a wifeproblem, a wife problem.
But we are bombarded daily, menand women, with being told what
beauty is.
We're especially bombarded withthe message of what sexy is,
(11:47):
and it all revolves around acertain body type, body shape,
set of numbers.
And I'm here to tell you thatsexy has nothing to do with body
numbers.
It has everything to do withyour mindset.
You can choose how much poweryou're giving to Satan, because
(12:08):
he is the one who, who is tryingto get you to decide that he
gets to define beauty.
When you listen to him, you'regiving him power and you're
allowing him to rob you of thevery thing that God said you.
I love you so much.
(12:29):
I am giving you this beautiful,precious, perfect gift with
your beloved.
I am giving you this beautiful,precious, perfect gift with
your beloved.
Don't give Satan the power torob you of enjoying what God has
given to you.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
I think it's important and the person who
asked this question even usesthe term shame.
I appreciate your use of thatlanguage, especially in light of
how we have used that languagetoday, but I think something
that's really important when Iam feeling shame over something
is critical to first recognizewhere is the shame coming from,
(13:08):
because shame is the feelingthat I am not living up to a
particular standard.
The question then to ask myselfis Do I have shame because I am
not living up to God's standardor is it to some other standard
that I am failing?
Speaker 2 (13:28):
And if it's?
Speaker 1 (13:28):
not God's standard, then my shame is illegitimate,
my shame is unnecessary.
If my shame is because of man'sstandard or someone else's
standard, or whatever place thatstandard might be, then I have
put more value in that standardthan in God's standard.
(13:52):
And guess what that's called inthe Bible Idolatry.
You want to know what Idolatryis?
Not falling down and worshipingwooden statues.
Idolatry, I mean?
Yes, it is, but more applicabletoday.
Idolatry is bowing down tostandards that God did not
(14:14):
design.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
So yes, it's a problem.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
It's a huge problem.
Women struggle with this,primarily Men.
We struggle with our ownstandards that are not biblical
and not godly and not holy.
We all have shame from sourcesthat we don't need to have shame
over.
Sometimes that's where it hasto start.
Where is the shame coming fromand whose standards am I bowing
(14:43):
down to?
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Now, because this question is most often asked by
a woman, I'll speak to it fromthat way.
And mostly I want to speak tohusbands, because you play a
huge role in helping her believethat she is beautiful.
You are the loudest voice.
(15:08):
If you use your voice correctly, you can be the loudest voice.
She has a lot of voices tellingher otherwise, but it is your
job to proclaim her beauty, andthat's not just the physical,
what you're seeing, but proclaimher beauty in every way.
Help her know that you see heras beautiful in every way.
(15:34):
Know that you see her asbeautiful in every way.
Especially, she needs to knowthat you see her as beautiful
today, not the woman you married20 years ago, not who you hope
she'll be when she's 15 poundslighter, but that you see beauty
today and what's before you.
(15:54):
And you get to determine thatmen.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
You get to decide what is beautiful and God has
commanded you to find yourbeloved beautiful.
Yeah, I can't say it betterthan that.
But, husbands, you have a bigpart to play in this.
(16:21):
It's not your problem to getover, but you have a big role to
play and your wife knows what,what you think of her.
She knows.
What you think of her body,whether you use the actual words
or not, she knows.
Given the pattern of Ruth andBoaz, is it primarily the man's
(16:47):
responsibility to redeem amarriage?
Clearly, boaz is the redeemerin this question.
But I would also ask you who isit that is named in the lineage
of Christ in the New Testament?
It's not Boaz, it's Ruth.
So who actually redeemed?
(17:09):
Who Did?
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Ruth redeem Boaz, or did Boaz redeem?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Ruth.
The other thing that I wouldsay is that there's certainly
other examples of wives, even inthe scripture, who redeemed or
saved their marriage in a timeof crisis.
Think about Abigail and Nabothoff the top of my head Abigail,
(17:37):
who intervened and saved herhusband's worthless life in the
moment.
I'm sure there's other greatexamples and this is entirely
off the cuff, which is maybe oneof the disadvantages of doing
questions this way, but I'm surewe can think of other examples
of wives who changed thetrajectory of their marriage.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
And I think that's the heart of it.
Can a wife change thetrajectory I can't say that word
very well of her marriage?
Yeah, you can, Because you canonly control your side of the
(18:27):
equation.
Right, but you can alwayscontrol your side of the
equation.
You can use that to redeem yourmarriage, to redeem your
beloved.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Yeah.
I mean ultimately who's doingthe work of redemption?
It's the power of the blood ofChrist.
If that's what we'reinterjecting into our
relationships, then that's wherethe redemption is going to
happen.
I think each of us hasopportunity to do that in our
own relationships, whetheryou're a husband or a wife do
(19:02):
you have any suggestions foradditional ways to make the
bedroom a special place for us?
I'd like this I feel like thisis someone leaning into.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
All right, I'm going to get the laundry out, I'm
going to get the office suppliesout of my bedroom.
Um, so we, so we went throughthis in our marriage.
There was a time that ourbedroom was literally the
dumping ground for everything.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Oh yeah, it was the laundry bin.
We had our desk and our homecomputer and all of the incoming
mail was piled in a corner.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
And there was a baby cradle over in the other corner.
Exactly, We've been there, donethat experienced it and we get
it Sometimes you know we'relimited by the space that we
live in, right?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
I understand that we can't all afford to.
You know, put a 3,000 squarefoot addition onto our house.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
That's solely for the purpose of having sex, as great
as that sounds, then you couldreally have a sex room.
There you go.
But how do you do this?
How do you carve out and createa space that's special for both
of you?
For us that looked like,obviously getting rid of all of
the rest, and this was when welived in a T90 little mobile
(20:14):
home, so don't think that we hadall these big bedrooms.
But I moved the desk rightbeside the eating table and you
had to like do the shimmy to getbetween the two of them, but I
needed the desk to be out of ourroom.
You know we moved the baby intoanother room with another child
.
We created, we sacrificed inother places in our home to make
(20:39):
the priority of our specialplace for our room, and we also
invested money.
You know I got rid of the quiltwith holes that I never even
liked to begin with and I tookand set aside a little money to
say what is it that we want thisspace to look like?
And just general advice aboutdecorating.
(21:01):
I'm just going to throw thisout there.
Ladies, it's not just your room.
Your husband should have avoice in your room.
There's some noises happeningwithin some of you guys.
But figure out together andthis, honestly, for us looked
(21:24):
like looking through.
We're old, so we looked throughsome magazines.
You can do some I don't knowPinterest, but we found out
together what together equalsrelaxation.
So I didn't go as frilly as Iwould have gone all by myself.
We also didn't go asstreamlined, modern as he would
have gone all by himself.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
We didn't hang sports posters in the corner.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
We also didn't go as streamlined, modern as he would
have gone all by himself.
We didn't hang sports postersin the corner, we sure didn't.
We co-created together whatwill be something meaningful.
Now I will tell you, thefavorite part of my bedroom,
besides the bed, is the twochairs and tables sitting in the
side of our room, becausethat's our sacred space, that we
(22:05):
can sit and have meaningfulconversations together.
So if you at all have theability to do that, do that.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Yes, and you know you want some inspiration.
What do hotel rooms look like?
They're not frilly and pink andlacy.
They're also not, you know,sports themed.
Generally they're relativelyneutral, but they are there is
an energy of, and I know nothingabout interior design, but
(22:34):
there is a different feeling ina hotel room than in some
bedrooms that I have seen.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
We're not talking like holiday inn.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Like you know, think resort, put it that way.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Thank you, Good point Also.
Think about just lighting andsmells.
That can be a really great wayto bring in so you don't have a
lot of money to change the decor.
Buy a nice candle.
Buy a candle you both like thesmell of.
That's a great date night.
(23:05):
Go pick out a candle together.
We literally just did this acouple weekends ago.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
It's not that expensive even.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Right, go find a nice candle.
And so when you burn that youare setting a stage that is
special between the two of you.
Turn off the overhead lightsand buy a lamp, turn on
something that's soft and anenjoyable light, find the
candles, that kind of thing,this does not have to be an
extravagant.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
You know, chip and joanna gaines makeover.
This sometimes is is just,piece by piece, reminding
yourselves what this is allabout.
The, the pictures that we hangin our bedroom.
There are no children on thewalls in our bedroom.
It's our wedding photos and itis photos of our adventures
together.
I mean, that's just a.
(23:51):
We love our kids, maybe morethan you love yours, but we
don't want them in our bedroom.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Yeah.
Literally looking at yourchild's one year old picture
right beside your bed might notbe actually what you would.
That's not going to do it forme.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
I don't know about y'all that's not going to do it
for me.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
So again it's.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
And again this maybe goes back to this idea of
sanctification of the ordinary.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
This is a place.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
This is something where you can really sanctify
something as ordinary as thebedspread and if each of those
choices is made intentionally,then it comes together to
provide, to make a place againthat's co-created.
That is something specialbetween the two of you.
That's all the time we have inthis episode for these questions
(24:48):
.
Hope those were beneficial foryou and certainly we would love
to hear your feedback.
What did we get right in thosequestions?
What did we get wrong?
How would you have answeredthese questions?
We would certainly love to hearyour feedback.
You can contact us by emailingpodcast at intimate covenantcom
or to submit an anonymousquestion.
Go to our website, intimatecovenantcom, slash podcast and
(25:16):
click the button contact thepodcast for an anonymous
submission form.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're truly humbled by all yourencouragement and your support,
and thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us too.
Subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
Hey, Jen want to talk about dealing with a reluctant
spouse.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
You ought to be an expert at this by now.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Great.
In this episode, we're sharingour responses to questions posed
at several recent live events,including how to keep striving
for connection even when yourspouse is reluctant.
Let's do it.
(00:35):
Welcome to the IntimateCovenant podcast, where we
believe the Bible and greatmarried sex.
Both belong on your kitchentable.
That's right.
We're talking about holycovenant-bound intimate
relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant.
We offer biblical teaching andresources to help married
couples achieve a fullerrelationship and an
extraordinary sex life.
For more information, visit ourwebsite, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Welcome friends, Welcome Ni hao.
Greetings from China.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I don't even know if that's how you say it, but
that's what we're going to gowith.
But by the time you'relistening to this, we'll have
figured out how to say hello inChinese, because we will be in
China, yes.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Lord willing, we will be in China when this episode
drops in China.
Yes, Lord willing, we will bein China when this episode drops
, as we announced in the lastepisode.
Please continue to pray forsafe travels and we ask that
you'd still be praying that thesouls of the couples who are
with us would be encouraged andtouched by the Spirit of God.
We cannot wait to get back andto tell you all about what we
(01:44):
have learned, what we have seen.
So look forward to that in thenext couple of weeks, maybe even
on the next episode.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Maybe so, and in the meantime, we're sharing some
excerpts from live Q&A sessionsfrom several of our recent
marriage days.
As you know, we generally sharea few of these after we get
home from one of these events,but we never have enough time in
a single episode to share allof the great questions that we
(02:12):
get.
So we dug back through thearchives, pulled together a few
of our favorites that never madeit into an episode and we're
going to share that today.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yep.
So here's what you have to lookforward to.
One of the questions is how doyou differentiate between
responsive sexual desire orbetween a medical problem that
is resulting in a lack of sexdrive?
Yeah, good question.
And another question is how canI keep striving for spiritual
(02:42):
and emotional intimacy when myspouse is reluctant to do so?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
We're going to answer the question.
How can I overcome shame in myphysical appearance that hinders
me from giving myself to andfully enjoying physical intimacy
with my spouse?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Another question is is it primarily a man's
responsibility to redeem amarriage?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Do you have suggestions to make the bedroom
a special place for us?
Speaker 1 (03:12):
So, as you can tell some good questions, hopefully
the responses meet the qualityof the questions.
I guess that'll be up to you todecide, but we'll look forward
to sharing that with you in thisepisode.
How can you differentiatebetween withdrawal as a
(03:35):
responder and an actual medicallack of drive, and how do you
deal with that lack of drive?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Be willing to go to your doctor Get your hormones
checked, go to your doctor, andif your doctor won't talk to you
about your sex drive, go toyour doctor.
Get your hormones checked, goto your doctor.
And if your doctor won't talkto you about your sex drive.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Go to another doctor.
That's what they're there for.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
You need a better doctor if they won't talk to you
about your sexual health.
But yes, that said, I thinkit's also important to
acknowledge that lack of drive.
One of the least common lacksof drives is physical or
hormonal.
That's rarely the cause.
(04:16):
Sometimes it is.
It's rarely the cause, though.
More often lack of drive is dueto stress or other relationship
issues.
Sometimes it's hormonal ormedical and there may be health
problems.
So start with ruling that out.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Figure that out, but then look at your whole life as
a whole.
Now it's super important torecognize that sexual drive is a
use it or lose it phenomenonfor most women.
If you are not having regularorgasms, you're not getting
regular doses of oxytocin.
Your body just kind of checksout.
(04:56):
So sometimes the answer is youhave to make the choice to check
back in.
And I know that's hard whenyou're sitting in a place of I
just don't want to have sex.
Hard when you're sitting in aplace of I just don't want to
have sex.
So do the work to recognize doI not want to have sex because
(05:17):
maybe something's going on in mybody?
Do I not want to have sexbecause of my relationship?
Do I not want to have sexbecause sex doesn't feel good?
If it hurts, stop.
Figure that out, don't keepdoing something that hurts.
But if you're not havingregular sex, your body is
(05:38):
programmed to just say eh.
So if you're just waiting forsomething magically to happen to
make you want to have sex again, probably not going to happen.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And, that said, it's not necessarily even a problem
if you don't have spontaneousdesire.
That's may not necessarily evenbe your job.
You don't have to be the onewho wants it, just spontaneously
.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Again, most women would not say I want to have sex
until they are 20 minutes in tosome kind of sexual play.
You're not broken.
Most women are made to beresponders.
That is okay.
Recognize the beauty of theresponse and stop trying to be a
pursuer.
(06:22):
Stop trying to have spontaneousdrive.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, it's perfectly fine if just one of you is the
initiator and the pursuer.
That's kind of how it usuallyworks, and that means you're
working normally.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
What can I personally do to keep striving toward
emotional and spiritual intimacywhen my husband is not
interested in implementingpractical ways to do such?
I love this question, clearlyfrom the standpoint of a wife,
and it is interesting to me thatthis wife is asking how do I
strive towards emotional andspiritual intimacy with my
(07:02):
husband?
She's not asking how do Istrive towards physical intimacy
.
Now I'm having to suppose a lotin just this question, but
here's what I'm going to say.
If you're trying to haveemotional and spiritual intimacy
with your husband outside ofphysical intimacy, it will not
work because they are all meantto go together and so you cannot
(07:27):
have emotional intimacy withyour husband but say sex is off
the table.
That is not how God intendedyou to work, your husband to
work or your marriage workBecause it is within physical
intimacy that your husband isable to open up emotionally,
because the truth is he doesn'twant sex.
(07:50):
He wants connection with you.
Sex is often a man's route toemotional connection.
So, number one how's your sexlife?
Because if that's not working,then that could be part of
what's going on Now.
Maybe you're a wife who's happyand willing to be having sex
(08:12):
and you're still feeling likeyou're missing that emotional
and spiritual component withyour husband.
Tell him that.
I know that seems like a simplecop-out answer, but have the
conversation.
But have the conversation fromthe standpoint of this is what
it would look like to me.
(08:33):
Here's what I'm asking for, butthen here's what I'm willing to
do to change me, to achievethis for us.
Because if you're waiting foryour spouse to fix himself in
order for your marriage to befixed, you're missing it.
So what are you doing to seekemotional connection Now?
(08:56):
Might your efforts be rejected?
They might.
So call them out on that.
Don't just take it.
That's not submission.
Submission is not suffering insilence, so be willing to say
that that hurts.
When I ask a question and youdon't answer it, here's what I
feel.
You probably didn't intend thatto happen, but I need you to
(09:19):
know me.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
And I would say I mean, the wife is asking what
can I do to get my husband to dosomething else?
And the short answer is nothing.
You can't make somebody dosomething they don't want to do.
That's just the hard reality ofliving with other people.
I don't mean to be just liketotally dismissive of the
question, but ultimately wecould ask this question a
million ways what can I do toget my wife to have more sex
(09:45):
with me?
Well, maybe nothing.
Maybe nothing would change that.
But what my job is is to work onmy side of the equation, and
that is, if I want moreemotional or spiritual
connection in my relationship,then I'm the one that's going to
need to inject that.
If I need, if I want morespirituality in our relationship
(10:06):
, then I'm going to have to bethe one to initiate a prayer, or
I'm going to be the one to haveto suggest the workbook or the
devotional, or I'm going to haveto be the one to initiate a
prayer, or I'm going to be theone to have to suggest the
workbook or the devotional, orI'm going to have to be the one
to start reading scripture more.
I'm going to have to be the oneto take the initiative to do
that.
If that's what I want in mymarriage, and I think that's
what my marriage needs, then I'mgoing to have to be the one to
do it Now.
(10:27):
Maybe my spouse will beinspired by my actions to come
alongside.
There are definitely good waysand poor ways for me to invite
my spouse to come alongside that, but ultimately it's up to me
to do what I can do.
I can only inspire.
I cannot require not require.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
How can I overcome shame in my physical appearance
that hinders me from fullygiving myself to and enjoying
physical intimacy with my spouse?
I appreciate this question andI'm going to let you all know
that this question is asked insome form every single place we
go to.
This is a problem amongst so somany of us, and usually wives,
(11:23):
although this is not just a wifeproblem, a wife problem.
But we are bombarded daily, menand women, with being told what
beauty is.
We're especially bombarded withthe message of what sexy is,
(11:47):
and it all revolves around acertain body type, body shape,
set of numbers.
And I'm here to tell you thatsexy has nothing to do with body
numbers.
It has everything to do withyour mindset.
You can choose how much poweryou're giving to Satan, because
(12:08):
he is the one who, who is tryingto get you to decide that he
gets to define beauty.
When you listen to him, you'regiving him power and you're
allowing him to rob you of thevery thing that God said you.
I love you so much.
(12:29):
I am giving you this beautiful,precious, perfect gift with
your beloved.
I am giving you this beautiful,precious, perfect gift with
your beloved.
Don't give Satan the power torob you of enjoying what God has
given to you.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
I think it's important and the person who
asked this question even usesthe term shame.
I appreciate your use of thatlanguage, especially in light of
how we have used that languagetoday, but I think something
that's really important when Iam feeling shame over something
is critical to first recognizewhere is the shame coming from,
(13:08):
because shame is the feelingthat I am not living up to a
particular standard.
The question then to ask myselfis Do I have shame because I am
not living up to God's standardor is it to some other standard
that I am failing?
Speaker 2 (13:28):
And if it's?
Speaker 1 (13:28):
not God's standard, then my shame is illegitimate,
my shame is unnecessary.
If my shame is because of man'sstandard or someone else's
standard, or whatever place thatstandard might be, then I have
put more value in that standardthan in God's standard.
(13:52):
And guess what that's called inthe Bible Idolatry.
You want to know what Idolatryis?
Not falling down and worshipingwooden statues.
Idolatry, I mean?
Yes, it is, but more applicabletoday.
Idolatry is bowing down tostandards that God did not
(14:14):
design.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
So yes, it's a problem.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
It's a huge problem.
Women struggle with this,primarily Men.
We struggle with our ownstandards that are not biblical
and not godly and not holy.
We all have shame from sourcesthat we don't need to have shame
over.
Sometimes that's where it hasto start.
Where is the shame coming fromand whose standards am I bowing
(14:43):
down to?
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Now, because this question is most often asked by
a woman, I'll speak to it fromthat way.
And mostly I want to speak tohusbands, because you play a
huge role in helping her believethat she is beautiful.
You are the loudest voice.
(15:08):
If you use your voice correctly, you can be the loudest voice.
She has a lot of voices tellingher otherwise, but it is your
job to proclaim her beauty, andthat's not just the physical,
what you're seeing, but proclaimher beauty in every way.
Help her know that you see heras beautiful in every way.
(15:34):
Know that you see her asbeautiful in every way.
Especially, she needs to knowthat you see her as beautiful
today, not the woman you married20 years ago, not who you hope
she'll be when she's 15 poundslighter, but that you see beauty
today and what's before you.
(15:54):
And you get to determine thatmen.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
You get to decide what is beautiful and God has
commanded you to find yourbeloved beautiful.
Yeah, I can't say it betterthan that.
But, husbands, you have a bigpart to play in this.
(16:21):
It's not your problem to getover, but you have a big role to
play and your wife knows what,what you think of her.
She knows.
What you think of her body,whether you use the actual words
or not, she knows.
Given the pattern of Ruth andBoaz, is it primarily the man's
(16:47):
responsibility to redeem amarriage?
Clearly, boaz is the redeemerin this question.
But I would also ask you who isit that is named in the lineage
of Christ in the New Testament?
It's not Boaz, it's Ruth.
So who actually redeemed?
(17:09):
Who Did?
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Ruth redeem Boaz, or did Boaz redeem?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Ruth.
The other thing that I wouldsay is that there's certainly
other examples of wives, even inthe scripture, who redeemed or
saved their marriage in a timeof crisis.
Think about Abigail and Nabothoff the top of my head Abigail,
(17:37):
who intervened and saved herhusband's worthless life in the
moment.
I'm sure there's other greatexamples and this is entirely
off the cuff, which is maybe oneof the disadvantages of doing
questions this way, but I'm surewe can think of other examples
of wives who changed thetrajectory of their marriage.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
And I think that's the heart of it.
Can a wife change thetrajectory I can't say that word
very well of her marriage?
Yeah, you can, Because you canonly control your side of the
(18:27):
equation.
Right, but you can alwayscontrol your side of the
equation.
You can use that to redeem yourmarriage, to redeem your
beloved.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Yeah.
I mean ultimately who's doingthe work of redemption?
It's the power of the blood ofChrist.
If that's what we'reinterjecting into our
relationships, then that's wherethe redemption is going to
happen.
I think each of us hasopportunity to do that in our
own relationships, whetheryou're a husband or a wife do
(19:02):
you have any suggestions foradditional ways to make the
bedroom a special place for us?
I'd like this I feel like thisis someone leaning into.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
All right, I'm going to get the laundry out, I'm
going to get the office suppliesout of my bedroom.
Um, so we, so we went throughthis in our marriage.
There was a time that ourbedroom was literally the
dumping ground for everything.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Oh yeah, it was the laundry bin.
We had our desk and our homecomputer and all of the incoming
mail was piled in a corner.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
And there was a baby cradle over in the other corner.
Exactly, We've been there, donethat experienced it and we get
it Sometimes you know we'relimited by the space that we
live in, right?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
I understand that we can't all afford to.
You know, put a 3,000 squarefoot addition onto our house.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
That's solely for the purpose of having sex, as great
as that sounds, then you couldreally have a sex room.
There you go.
But how do you do this?
How do you carve out and createa space that's special for both
of you?
For us that looked like,obviously getting rid of all of
the rest, and this was when welived in a T90 little mobile
(20:14):
home, so don't think that we hadall these big bedrooms.
But I moved the desk rightbeside the eating table and you
had to like do the shimmy to getbetween the two of them, but I
needed the desk to be out of ourroom.
You know we moved the baby intoanother room with another child
.
We created, we sacrificed inother places in our home to make
(20:39):
the priority of our specialplace for our room, and we also
invested money.
You know I got rid of the quiltwith holes that I never even
liked to begin with and I tookand set aside a little money to
say what is it that we want thisspace to look like?
And just general advice aboutdecorating.
(21:01):
I'm just going to throw thisout there.
Ladies, it's not just your room.
Your husband should have avoice in your room.
There's some noises happeningwithin some of you guys.
But figure out together andthis, honestly, for us looked
(21:24):
like looking through.
We're old, so we looked throughsome magazines.
You can do some I don't knowPinterest, but we found out
together what together equalsrelaxation.
So I didn't go as frilly as Iwould have gone all by myself.
We also didn't go asstreamlined, modern as he would
have gone all by himself.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
We didn't hang sports posters in the corner.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
We also didn't go as streamlined, modern as he would
have gone all by himself.
We didn't hang sports postersin the corner, we sure didn't.
We co-created together whatwill be something meaningful.
Now I will tell you, thefavorite part of my bedroom,
besides the bed, is the twochairs and tables sitting in the
side of our room, becausethat's our sacred space, that we
(22:05):
can sit and have meaningfulconversations together.
So if you at all have theability to do that, do that.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Yes, and you know you want some inspiration.
What do hotel rooms look like?
They're not frilly and pink andlacy.
They're also not, you know,sports themed.
Generally they're relativelyneutral, but they are there is
an energy of, and I know nothingabout interior design, but
(22:34):
there is a different feeling ina hotel room than in some
bedrooms that I have seen.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
We're not talking like holiday inn.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Like you know, think resort, put it that way.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Thank you, Good point Also.
Think about just lighting andsmells.
That can be a really great wayto bring in so you don't have a
lot of money to change the decor.
Buy a nice candle.
Buy a candle you both like thesmell of.
That's a great date night.
(23:05):
Go pick out a candle together.
We literally just did this acouple weekends ago.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
It's not that expensive even.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Right, go find a nice candle.
And so when you burn that youare setting a stage that is
special between the two of you.
Turn off the overhead lightsand buy a lamp, turn on
something that's soft and anenjoyable light, find the
candles, that kind of thing,this does not have to be an
extravagant.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
You know, chip and joanna gaines makeover.
This sometimes is is just,piece by piece, reminding
yourselves what this is allabout.
The, the pictures that we hangin our bedroom.
There are no children on thewalls in our bedroom.
It's our wedding photos and itis photos of our adventures
together.
I mean, that's just a.
(23:51):
We love our kids, maybe morethan you love yours, but we
don't want them in our bedroom.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Yeah.
Literally looking at yourchild's one year old picture
right beside your bed might notbe actually what you would.
That's not going to do it forme.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
I don't know about y'all that's not going to do it
for me.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
So again it's.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
And again this maybe goes back to this idea of
sanctification of the ordinary.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
This is a place.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
This is something where you can really sanctify
something as ordinary as thebedspread and if each of those
choices is made intentionally,then it comes together to
provide, to make a place againthat's co-created.
That is something specialbetween the two of you.
That's all the time we have inthis episode for these questions
(24:48):
.
Hope those were beneficial foryou and certainly we would love
to hear your feedback.
What did we get right in thosequestions?
What did we get wrong?
How would you have answeredthese questions?
We would certainly love to hearyour feedback.
You can contact us by emailingpodcast at intimate covenantcom
or to submit an anonymousquestion.
Go to our website, intimatecovenantcom, slash podcast and
(25:16):
click the button contact thepodcast for an anonymous
submission form.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're truly humbled by all yourencouragement and your support,
and thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us too.
Subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.
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