December 16, 2024 • 37 mins
In this "Christmas Q&A Potpourri" episode, Matt & Jenn are sharing segments from previous live Q&A sessions. We're answering the following questions:
- Should I sacrifice my desire for sexual intimacy if my spouse does not desire sex?
- What are your favorite topics of conversation for rejuvenation and reconnection?
- How do I handle my spouse being defensive when i ask them any question?
- How do I grieve unmet expectations?
- How often should we be having date nights and get-aways?
- Do you have any suggestions for making our bedroom a sacred space?
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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, jen want to talk about self-sacrifice.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
It's definitely a sacrifice to podcast with you.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Great.
Today on the podcast, we'resharing segments from some
previous live Q&A sessions,including our answers to this
question Should I sacrifice mydesire for sexual intimacy?
If my spouse does not desiresex, let's do it.
Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
We're Matt and Jen, and this is the Intimate
Covenant podcast where webelieve the Bible and great
married sex both belong on thekitchen table.
That's right.
Just like every week, we'retalking about godly marriage and
hot sex and emotionallyfulfilling oneness, and here we
are again with another episode.
Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
That's right.
If you'd like to learn moreabout us, you can visit our
website IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And we would always love to hear from you.
You can email us at podcast atIntimatecovenantcom.
Look forward to yoursubmissions.
Self-sacrifice that is one ofthe themes that we're going to
address in the episode today.
Self-sacrifice is such afundamental part of being
Christ-like.
It's such a fundamental part ofbeing a Christian.
So one listener has askedshould I sacrifice my desire for
sexual intimacy if my spousedoes not desire sex?
(01:29):
So how would you answer thatquestion?
That's what we're posing to you, because you're going to hear
our answer to that question anda few more.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
That's right.
We also have some morequestions, like what are your
favorite topics of conversationfor rejuvenation and
reconnection?
Also, how do I handle my spousebeing defensive when I ask them
any question?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Or how do I grieve unmet expectations and how often
should we be having date nightsor getaways?
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Oh, good question.
And also, do you have anysuggestions for making our
bedroom a sacred space?
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So we're going to answer those questions in this
episode.
But first, it is that time ofthe year as the old year winds
down and the new year kicks off.
It's definitely that time ofyear when we all tend to take
stock of our lives.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
And we hope that you are in the regular practice of
assessing the status of yourmarriage.
This is something we startedregularly doing a while back now
A few years ago.
Yeah, More than a few.
So what came out of that isthat we created a tool first and
foremost to help us, but we'verefined it and it's a tool that
(02:53):
you can use to assess all therealms of your marriage
relationship and createactionable plans to make
improvements where needed.
It's actionable plans to makeimprovements where needed.
It's hard in a lot of ways toeven have the conversation of
where are we, where do we wantto be?
Where have we been?
But even harder to say to makesolid plans for, okay, what are
(03:18):
we going to do to change?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
things.
Yeah, what are we going to doabout it?
Right, because that's wherethings ultimately have to go if
you want to make a difference inyour relationship.
Well, we made this tool.
We've used it ourselves formany years in a row now and we
call it the State of theCovenant.
We have our State of theCovenant conversation at least
once a year, every year, and wecertainly try to do that around
(03:43):
the first of every year.
A year every year, and wecertainly try to do that around
the first of every year.
We've created that into aworksheet that is now a
printable tool, a printable formthat you can find on our
website.
It is complete withinstructions and conversation
starters on how to get thatconversation going and to keep
it going.
If you're interested in thatState of the Covenant, you can
(04:05):
find it for sale on our website.
You can click the link in ourshow notes or just simply search
our website atIntimateCovenantcom slash shop.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Right While you're on the website, you could also
find our e-courses and otherresources that we've created to
help build intimaterelationships in your marriage
and a better sex life.
So we've got some good stuffthere that we think you might
find of benefit.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
It might even be a great last minute Christmas gift
if you're looking for somethinglike that.
Speaking of with the busynessof this holiday season, we
wanted to put out an episodethat, frankly, didn't require
too much preparation.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yes, and we also wanted an episode that you you
know you could listen to this inthe car, maybe between last
(05:07):
minute shopping errands or onthat walk that you need to take.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah, after your mother-in-law, like, criticizes
your cooking.
Again one of those times.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Not my mother-in-law.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
We should make that clear, okay, yes, Not my
mother-in-law, one of thosemother-in-laws that is going to
make comments that you're justgoing to need to get out of the
house.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
If you need to just take a little walk, you could
listen to one of these and takesome deep breaths.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yes.
So this is what this episode isfor and, as always, of course,
we pray that our responses tothese questions, which we've
assembled from some marriagedays and other events that we've
done literally over the pastthree or four years, we just
kind of took some of thequestions that we thought needed
to be put out there.
So we pray that our response tothese questions are thought
(05:57):
provoking and again, we'llalways be challenging you to
consider how might you haveanswered these questions.
So Christmas Q&A potpourri,we'll call it.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Let's do it.
Should I sacrifice my desirefor sexual intimacy if my spouse
desires to not have sex?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
That's a full question.
I mean deep question here.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Because we've been talking about self-sacrifice,
right, and I think that thatidea of self-sacrifice is
all-encompassing and it musttranslate to every realm of our
lives and every realm of ourrelationship.
I ought to be self-sacrificial,so, at least on the surface,
(06:50):
the answer is always yes.
I always must make aself-sacrifice when it comes to
my desire for sexual intimacy.
One of you is going to have ahigher desire for more frequent
sex than the other.
That's just inevitable, becauseif you're both identical in
that realm, then one of you isunnecessary, but you must.
(07:12):
You will always be in asituation where one of you wants
something more than the other.
So should I then force mydesire upon my spouse and so
every time I have an urge, Ihave to immediately fulfill that
urge with them?
I think that would be entirelyself-serving, selfish and
(07:33):
unfruitful and missing the pointof sex, which is connection.
So is there a place forself-sacrifice?
Yes, there always is a placefor self-sacrifice.
Now this questioner I don't know, maybe there's the other way to
read this question is should Ijust give up my desire for sex
(07:54):
because my spouse will neverhave sex with me?
And I would say no, do not giveup your desire for self for
sexual intimacy.
In fact, I would suggest youprobably can't, even if you
wanted to.
Because again, who put thatthere?
You didn't put it there.
God made you this way.
(08:16):
It's there for a reason andit's there to teach you
something.
Sometimes, what your desires areteaching you is exactly where
your idols are.
So that's a question forself-reflection.
Have I put too much emphasis onthis?
When we make sex our idol, whenwe make sex the thing that
(08:37):
controls us, even though sexwithin marriage is a good thing,
it can become an idol.
It can be a place where we aredependent.
So that's a place forself-reflection here.
But if you have a holy,righteous desire for sex,
there's nothing wrong with thatand that needs to be a place of
(08:58):
conversation.
If you are not having sex inyour marriage, that's a red flag
and in most cases I'm not goingto speak for every case.
I'm certainly not going tospeak for this case, but in most
cases there's sin involved.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
First Corinthians 7 is pretty explicitly clear that
you need to be having regularsex in your marriage, and by
that it means for both of you.
First, corinthians 7 is oftenweaponized against wives, and
yet that passage first beginswith the command that husbands
meet the sexual needs of theirwife and wives meet the sexual
(09:44):
needs of their husband, and soyou both have a need for sex.
Now one of you may be sittingthere thinking, no, I don't.
No, thank you, I could live mylife without this.
Okay, that's okay.
Don't just run from that.
See that, see it for what it isand now challenge to ask why,
(10:10):
when there's no sex happening,that's usually a symptom that
there are other things happeningwithin this marriage.
Right, your sexual relationshipdoes not happen in a bubble.
You cannot believe the lie thatwe are each other's best
friends.
We just don't have sex.
Lies, sorry.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Lies.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
God didn't intend for it to work that way.
That is not how either of youare built.
Sex is not just for men.
Sex is not just a need ofhusbands.
You each have a deep need forsex with your beloved.
Because, again, it's not aboutorgasms, it's not about what
(10:55):
bodies can or can't do.
It is about the relationshipthat is created within the bond
of sexual intimacy.
You can't get that relationshipany other way.
So if you're sitting there andyou're thinking I don't want sex
, recognize that you get tochoose what your body does.
(11:20):
You might be in a place wherethere's not a whole lot of
physical arousal happening.
Okay, but you can choose toshow up.
Okay, but you can choose toshow up.
You can choose to see sex forthe connection that it brings
(11:40):
and the value it is to you andto your relationship.
And do you know what oftenhappens?
When you make a choice, yourbody will usually lead that
choice.
It'll follow.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I would say to the person who asked this question
your spouse may not desire tohave sex.
This person asks should Isacrifice my desire for sexual
intimacy?
Well, it may be that yourspouse doesn't even recognize
that you're seeking sexualintimacy Because we have
(12:14):
replaced or used this wordintimacy as a euphemism for
sexual intercourse.
That's not the whole of thetruth.
You need to be offeringintimacy, not just sex.
Offer relationship, because Iwould suggest 1 Corinthians 7 is
not just talking about makingsure that each of you have
sexual pleasure physically, butit's my obligation as a husband
(12:38):
to provide the whole of sex.
That means creating anemotional and spiritual and
physical environment that isconducive to connection.
I haven't fulfilled myobligations under first
Corinthians seven If I just putmy penis in a vagina or just lay
(13:01):
there while it happens, becauseI haven't created anything, I
haven't built anything, Ihaven't offered anything.
I haven't built anything, Ihaven't offered anything.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
What are some of your favorite topics of conversation
to reconnect and rejuvenatewith one another?
Asked by a good emotionalpursuer, I know these are my
kind of questions.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Okay one of the.
Well, if you're asking us.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
we're not going to tell you what our conversations
are because this is about ourmarriage and you're not invited
in, but I will tell you.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Nor would it be helpful, because you're not us.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
You're not married to us.
One of the resources that welove to use within our marriage,
and we love to encourage y'allto use, is things called
conversation starters, a companyby the name of ultimate
intimacy.
They have an app full of greatideas and information and games
(14:03):
and ways to chat privately, butwithin that app they have a
section in the app that isconversation starters.
But they also sell products,and so they sell a pack of
conversation starters that areall different varieties of
questions.
So what?
We and they're not the onlyones that create this, but, but
we know we can confidentlyrecommend ultimate intimacies
(14:25):
cards because they are designedto be asked within a married
couple.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yes, that's, that's the key.
They are designed for marriedcouples and designed for married
couples that have a faith, abiblical couple.
Yes, that's the key.
They are designed for marriedcouples and designed for married
couples that have a faith abiblical faith.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Yes, one of the things that we love to do on
date night is take a handful ofthese cards with us.
Our rule is that by the timeentrees come out, we are not
allowed to talk about the kids,we are not allowed to talk about
the logistics of life.
Those conversations happen onthe drive there, maybe during
(14:58):
appetizers, but that's it.
After that, our conversation isabout us and these questions
are great for that because itcan be hard.
Maybe both are on board.
I want to have better anddeeper conversations,
conversations that reconnect andrejuvenate us, but I don't know
(15:19):
what question to ask.
These kind of resources willhelp.
You have a question that,frankly, there are some
questions that if he asks, I'mgoing to be like what did you
think of that question?
Right, but if a card?
Asks it okay, we can safelyanswer that question, and so
(15:40):
that would be a way that I wouldrecommend.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah, these kind of resources are so helpful because
they also ask questions thatyou would never think to ask,
and again, you don't have toworry about where those
questions are coming from.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
And sometimes we read one card and that's the
conversation for the entirety ofdinner.
Sometimes we go through fivecards.
I mean, it's all about, and Iwill tell you this we've had
these cards long enough that wemight be asking the same
question and we have a differentway of looking at that.
Now.
We have a different answer.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Three or four years later, that question means
something entirely different.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
I used to be terrified that we were going to
run out of things to talk about.
I just knew there would come apoint in our marriage where we
would run out of questions toask, run out of things to talk
about.
But now what I know is I'm notmarried to the same man that I
married when I was 18 and he was21.
Thankfully, we are differentpeople and so we have a
(16:38):
different perspective now, andwe will keep having a change in
perspective.
And that's where you keep thecuriosity about one another.
That's how you createconversations that reconnect and
rejuvenate you as you keepbeing curious about one another.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
This next question kind of goes along with that how
to handle my spouse gettingdefensive or arguing when I tell
them, when I ask them anyquestion, Again, your spouse may
just be a jerk.
Okay, that's maybe true.
I can't deny that your spousemay be a jerk.
(17:23):
But maybe there's a way to aska question that doesn't get such
a defensive reaction Like,again, the example we gave
earlier.
Why are you such an idiot?
I mean, that's a question butthat's not going to get a
non-defensive response.
Why don't you ever take out thetrash when I ask you to?
(17:48):
That's a question that's notgoing to get a non-defensive
response.
Instead of you know, there'slots of other ways that we can
get to the point that we'retrying to get to, and again,
part of that is if your spousesees that you're willing to own
part of the problem, then itfeels like a we problem, not a
(18:08):
you problem.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Right.
Your goal is to approach anyconflict as a we problem, not a
you versus me, and the way thatyou do that is you view the
conflict through the lens ofyour spouse first.
What happens is, when we haveconflict, we immediately think
(18:31):
of all the reasons why we are100% right, 100% justified in
our reactions.
And they are 100% wrong and Iam going to win the battle.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
You're going to have a battle is your husband wrong
for not taking out the trashwhen he said he would do so?
yes but what if you came to yourhusband and said is there
something I can do to help youremember to take out the trash?
Isn't that a different questionthan why don't you ever do what
(19:07):
I ask you to do?
Why can you never remember thisI ask you to do?
Why can you never remember this?
Why are you such a bonehead?
Those are two differentquestions, two different
approaches addressing the sameproblem.
But now, if I ask is there someway I can help?
Now it's a we problem.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Now, that said, the other side of this coin is we
each all of us have to bewilling to be vulnerable with
one another.
Oftentimes, getting defensive orarguing is the reaction we
throw up because we don't wantto be vulnerable.
We are afraid of what it isthat our spouse is really
looking for from us, and so wethrow up coldness, we throw up
(19:57):
defensiveness, we throw theargument out there when it's
really we're not willing to ownour own actions.
We're not willing to own ourown actions, to name it, and to
be vulnerable with our spouse.
And so all of us have to askourselves where am I building
(20:21):
barriers between my spouse and I, and what are the steps that I
need to do to tear down thosebarriers so that I don't greet
my spouse with thisdefensiveness or argument?
And if that's my go-to methodof communicating with my spouse,
then some things need to change.
They probably need to changewithin me.
(20:46):
Again, you might be married tothe jerk that's asking you a
hundred questions all day longin an ugly way, but you still
can control you and how yourespond to that.
Have a deal or grieve, so tosay, with unmet expectations.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Your life together not looking like what you
thought it would, withouthurting your spouse?
I like this question because ofthe way that it's worded,
because it represents to me areally important and crucial
internal conflict that all of ushave to grapple with.
How do we deal with somethingwithout hurting our spouse?
(21:30):
And I get it.
You are all probably very nicepeople, nicer than me, and you
don't really want to hurt yourspouse, but unfortunately you
don't get the choice aboutwhether you're going to hurt
your spouse or not.
You don't get to choose theoutcome of how this is all going
to turn out.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
And here's the thing you are going to hurt your
spouse because you are a brokenperson, and so is your spouse.
You will be hurt in marriage.
Neither of you are married tothe perfect person.
Neither of you are the perfectperson.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
But don't we always, don't?
We come to people and we say,now look, I need to tell you
something, but don't be mad,that's not your choice.
You don't get to control that.
Now you can say things in a waythat will help to minimize the
negative impacts, but you don'tget to choose how your spouse
(22:27):
responds.
All you can do is confront thereality of where you're at, and
if that disappoints your spouseor that makes them sad or that
hurts their feelings, sometimesthat's going to happen, but as
long as you're approaching itfrom the standpoint of this is
going to hurt your feelings.
(22:48):
I feel terrible about this too.
Now how can we pick up thepieces and move on together in a
way that's productive for bothof us?
Now you're asking the rightquestions.
Now you're headed in the rightdirection, but you can't be
afraid of hurting someone'sfeelings.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
And how do you deal with the grief of a life not
what you thought it would be?
Well, you let go of maybeunrealistic expectations and you
learn to see the joy in whatyou have now.
There is always something to begrateful for.
There is always something thatyou together can say look what
(23:30):
we have.
It's not what I thought itwould be.
But it's better than it couldhave been and maybe, if you
learn to view the life that youdo have with gratitude, you can
learn to start seeing that lifefor the beauty that it really
(23:50):
actually is.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And, ultimately, where you've been is so far less
important than where you areheaded.
The trajectory of yourrelationship today is far more
important than where you wereyesterday, even if yesterday was
amazing and great and perfectand good.
If today you're headed straightdown into the depths of
(24:14):
terribleness, then who caresabout yesterday?
Where you're headed is far moreimportant than where you are.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
How often do you set aside an hour, a night, a
weekend and a week getaway withyour spouse and only them?
Oh, I like this question.
I'm going to refer you to ourpodcast.
We have an episode we just didhere within the last month two
months called the Daily Check-In.
We have since renamed thisCovenant Conversations.
(24:49):
Daily check-in is a terriblename.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
We knew that.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
This is a practice that we recommend, especially if
you find yourself in a placewhere you know what we just
aren't really doing a good jobof connecting on a deeper level.
All we seem to be sharing withone another is the mundane
details of life.
Daily check-in is great forthis.
I want you to listen to thepodcast episode because I'm not
(25:15):
going to take 40 more minutes toexplain it.
But in essence, it's learningto set aside 15 to 20 minutes
per day.
This is less than an episode ofNetflix right Purposefully
setting aside time to connectwith one another.
(25:36):
Yes, and it involves I was goingto say do you want?
To go into more detail.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
There's yeah, there's three steps.
One is 10 to 15 minutes ofmeaningful conversation.
That means not conversationabout logistics or what happened
per se during your day.
It's talking about how I feel,about what happened today,
something that's not logistics,not who's picking up the laundry
(26:02):
, not who's picking up the kidsfrom soccer practice.
It's about how do I feel aboutwhat's happening today or how I
feel about anything.
It's exchanging feelings.
Both of you have to participate.
Set a timer.
If you need to 10-15 minutesThen the second step is you each
offer a statement of gratitudeor praise I am thankful to you
(26:27):
for this, or I think you did agreat job doing this or that, or
whatever it is, and it's got tobe different every day.
That's the real challenge.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
And you both have to be offering you can't say dinner
was great tonight.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Honey, thank you Every night.
That doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
And then the last thing is you end in prayer
together, and again, this iswhere you're getting to the
heart of what.
Do I need to be praying for myspouse?
And guess what If I?
Speaker 1 (26:54):
spent 10 minutes before talking about how I feel
about something.
Now I know exactly what I needto pray about.
Now.
I know exactly where my spouseis.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
So on a daily basis.
We think you should be settingaside that time for for that
kind of check-in and this couldbe condensed into five or ten
minutes.
If you really are, are attunedto it, it doesn't have to take a
lot of time but I think thepoint of that is don't wait for
the date nights for the realconversations.
(27:24):
Those conversations can andshould be happening on a regular
basis when you're beingintentional.
That's what extraordinarylovers do.
They are intentional aboutconnecting with one another.
But I think another part ofthat maybe what this question is
getting at is recognizingthere's good to getting outside
(27:46):
of daily life together, gettingaway together.
We highly, highly, highlyrecommend getaways.
We think they need to be 24hours.
At least 48 hours is so muchbetter.
Give yourself two nights away,get away together together.
(28:11):
It may look like you shippingthe kids off to a friend's house
and just staying at your housefor 48 hours just the two of you
.
You can do that only if youdon't do projects together only
if you don't just clean thehouse, but where the real magic
happens is when you purposelyget away from everyday life
together.
Your marriage needs this.
Your kids need you to get away.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
And your conversations will invariably
change.
The things that you talk aboutand think about and have time to
deal with will be so differentthan what you can actually
accomplish on a nightlyconversation or even a weekly
date night.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
So you need to be doing that once a year at the
minimum, at the minimum once ayear.
I know a great way you can dothis and it's going to a
marriage retreat that happens inSeptember in the Houston area.
I hear the people who do thatare pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Something like that.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Date night.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
And date night.
And by date night we don'tnecessarily mean that you have
to go out to an expensiverestaurant and spend a lot of
money on babysitters and food orentertainment.
Mostly, what we mean by datenight is setting aside an hour
or more with your spouse infocused, meaningful time
together.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
That could look like putting the kids to bed early
and setting up a picnic on theback porch.
Something that's intentional, alittle different than everyday
life, and purposeful, connectingwith one another.
If you can go out to arestaurant together, great, but
(29:53):
don't not have date night justbecause you think that you can't
go out.
Do you have any suggestions foradditional ways to make the
bedroom a special place for us?
I like this.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I feel like this is someone leaning into.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
all right, I'm going to get the laundry out, I'm
going to get the office suppliesout of my bedroom.
So we went through this in ourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
There was a time that our bedroom was literally the
dumping ground for everything.
Oh yeah, it was the laundry bin.
We had our desk and our homecomputer, and all of the
incoming mail was piled in acorner.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
And there was a baby cradle over in the other corner
exactly.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
We've been there, done that yes, experienced it
and we get it sometimes, youknow, we're limited by the space
that we live in, right?
I understand that we can't allafford to.
You know, put a 3 000 squarefoot addition onto our house
that's solely for the purpose ofhaving sex, as great as that
sounds then you could reallyhave a sex room.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
There you go.
But how do you do this?
How do you carve out and createa space that's special for both
of you?
For us that looked likeobviously getting rid of all of
the rest, and this was when welived in a T90 little mobile
home, so don't think that we hadall these big bedrooms.
(31:12):
But I moved the desk rightbeside the eating table and you
had to like do the shimmy to getbetween the two of them, but I
needed the desk to be out of ourroom.
You know, we moved the babyinto another room with another
child.
We created, we sacrificed inother places in our home to make
(31:33):
the priority of our specialplace for our room, and we also
invested money.
You know, I got rid of thequilt with holes that I never
even liked to begin with, and Itook and set aside a little
money to say what is it that wewant this space to look like?
Now, just general advice aboutdecorating.
(31:56):
I'm just going to throw thisout there.
Ladies, it's not just your room.
Your husband should have avoice in your room.
So there's some noiseshappening within some of you
guys.
But figure out together andthis, honestly, for us looked
(32:18):
like looking through.
We're old, so we looked throughsome magazines.
You can do this online nowPinterest but we found out
together what together equalsrelaxation.
So I didn't go as frilly as Iwould have gone all by myself.
We also didn't go asstreamlined modern as he would
have gone all by himself.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
We didn't hang sports posters in the corner.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
We co-created together what will be something
meaningful.
Now I will tell you thefavorite part of my bedroom,
besides the bed, is the twochairs and tables sitting in the
side of our room, becausethat's our sacred space that we
can sit and have meaningfulconversations together.
(33:03):
So if you at all have theability to do that, do that.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
Yes, and you want some inspiration.
What do hotel rooms look like?
They're not frilly and pink andlacy.
They're also not sports-themed.
Generally they're relativelyneutral, but there is an energy
of and I know nothing aboutinterior design, but there is a
(33:29):
different feeling in a hotelroom than in some bedrooms that
I have seen.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
We're not talking like holiday inn, like you know
think resort.
Put it that way.
Thank you, good point.
Also, think about just lightingand smells.
That can be a really great wayto bring in.
So you don't have a lot ofmoney to change the decor.
Buy a nice candle.
Buy a candle you both like thesmell of.
(33:57):
That's a great date night.
Go pick out a candle together.
We literally just did this acouple weekends ago.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
It's not that expensive even.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Right, go find a nice candle.
And so when you burn that youare setting a stage that is
special between the two of you.
Turn off the overhead lightsand buy a lamp, turn on
something that's soft and anenjoyable light, find the
candles, that kind of thing thisdoes not have to be an
extravagant.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
You know, chip and joanna gaines makeover.
This sometimes is is just,piece by piece, reminding
yourselves what this is allabout.
The pictures that we hang inour bedroom there are no
children on the walls in ourbedroom.
It's our wedding photos and itis photos of our adventures
together.
I mean, that's just a.
(34:45):
We love our kids, maybe morethan you love yours, but we
don't want them in our bedroom.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Literally.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Looking at your child's one-year-old picture
right beside your bed might notbe actually what you would like.
That's not going to do it forme.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
I don't know about y'all, that's not going to do it
for me.
So again it's, and again thismaybe goes back to this idea of
sanctification of the ordinary.
This is a place, this issomething where you can really
sanctify something as ordinaryas the bedspread, and if each of
those choices is madeintentionally, then it comes
(35:23):
together to bring, to provide,to make a place again that's
co-created, that is somethingspecial between the two of you.
Thanks for joining us on thepodcast, thanks for listening to
our responses to thesequestions and certainly hope
(35:44):
that that's been.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Christmas potpourri.
I like that.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Christmas Q&A potpourri.
We would love to hear yourfeedback.
You can contact us by emailingpodcast at intimatecovenantcom
or you can submit anonymousfeedback and questions if you go
to our website,intimatecovenantcom slash
podcast.
We would love to hear yourfeedback, your takes, what
questions did we get right?
(36:08):
What answers did we get wrong?
Certainly would love to hearfrom you and certainly we would
love to hear your questions.
Feel free to email us at anytime.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're truly humbled by all yourencouragement and your support.
Thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real waythis year.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us too.
You can subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Also, please support our marriage-centered affiliate
businesses.
Links and exclusive discountcodes are available in the show
notes.
Your purchases with thesevendors helps support Intimate
Covenant.
Thank you for doing so.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
With deep gratitude and humble appreciation.
We want to wish all of you avery Merry Christmas, and may
God bless your new year withlove and intimate connection in
your marriage.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
In 2025, keep striving and don't settle.
Hey, jen want to talk about self-sacrifice.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
It's definitely a sacrifice to podcast with you.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Great.
Today on the podcast, we'resharing segments from some
previous live Q&A sessions,including our answers to this
question Should I sacrifice mydesire for sexual intimacy?
If my spouse does not desiresex, let's do it.
Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
We're Matt and Jen, and this is the Intimate
Covenant podcast where webelieve the Bible and great
married sex both belong on thekitchen table.
That's right.
Just like every week, we'retalking about godly marriage and
hot sex and emotionallyfulfilling oneness, and here we
are again with another episode.
Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
That's right.
If you'd like to learn moreabout us, you can visit our
website IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And we would always love to hear from you.
You can email us at podcast atIntimatecovenantcom.
Look forward to yoursubmissions.
Self-sacrifice that is one ofthe themes that we're going to
address in the episode today.
Self-sacrifice is such afundamental part of being
Christ-like.
It's such a fundamental part ofbeing a Christian.
So one listener has askedshould I sacrifice my desire for
sexual intimacy if my spousedoes not desire sex?
(01:29):
So how would you answer thatquestion?
That's what we're posing to you, because you're going to hear
our answer to that question anda few more.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
That's right.
We also have some morequestions, like what are your
favorite topics of conversationfor rejuvenation and
reconnection?
Also, how do I handle my spousebeing defensive when I ask them
any question?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Or how do I grieve unmet expectations and how often
should we be having date nightsor getaways?
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Oh, good question.
And also, do you have anysuggestions for making our
bedroom a sacred space?
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So we're going to answer those questions in this
episode.
But first, it is that time ofthe year as the old year winds
down and the new year kicks off.
It's definitely that time ofyear when we all tend to take
stock of our lives.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
And we hope that you are in the regular practice of
assessing the status of yourmarriage.
This is something we startedregularly doing a while back now
A few years ago.
Yeah, More than a few.
So what came out of that isthat we created a tool first and
foremost to help us, but we'verefined it and it's a tool that
(02:53):
you can use to assess all therealms of your marriage
relationship and createactionable plans to make
improvements where needed.
It's actionable plans to makeimprovements where needed.
It's hard in a lot of ways toeven have the conversation of
where are we, where do we wantto be?
Where have we been?
But even harder to say to makesolid plans for, okay, what are
(03:18):
we going to do to change?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
things.
Yeah, what are we going to doabout it?
Right, because that's wherethings ultimately have to go if
you want to make a difference inyour relationship.
Well, we made this tool.
We've used it ourselves formany years in a row now and we
call it the State of theCovenant.
We have our State of theCovenant conversation at least
once a year, every year, and wecertainly try to do that around
(03:43):
the first of every year.
A year every year, and wecertainly try to do that around
the first of every year.
We've created that into aworksheet that is now a
printable tool, a printable formthat you can find on our
website.
It is complete withinstructions and conversation
starters on how to get thatconversation going and to keep
it going.
If you're interested in thatState of the Covenant, you can
(04:05):
find it for sale on our website.
You can click the link in ourshow notes or just simply search
our website atIntimateCovenantcom slash shop.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Right While you're on the website, you could also
find our e-courses and otherresources that we've created to
help build intimaterelationships in your marriage
and a better sex life.
So we've got some good stuffthere that we think you might
find of benefit.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
It might even be a great last minute Christmas gift
if you're looking for somethinglike that.
Speaking of with the busynessof this holiday season, we
wanted to put out an episodethat, frankly, didn't require
too much preparation.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yes, and we also wanted an episode that you you
know you could listen to this inthe car, maybe between last
(05:07):
minute shopping errands or onthat walk that you need to take.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah, after your mother-in-law, like, criticizes
your cooking.
Again one of those times.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Not my mother-in-law.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
We should make that clear, okay, yes, Not my
mother-in-law, one of thosemother-in-laws that is going to
make comments that you're justgoing to need to get out of the
house.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
If you need to just take a little walk, you could
listen to one of these and takesome deep breaths.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yes.
So this is what this episode isfor and, as always, of course,
we pray that our responses tothese questions, which we've
assembled from some marriagedays and other events that we've
done literally over the pastthree or four years, we just
kind of took some of thequestions that we thought needed
to be put out there.
So we pray that our response tothese questions are thought
(05:57):
provoking and again, we'llalways be challenging you to
consider how might you haveanswered these questions.
So Christmas Q&A potpourri,we'll call it.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Let's do it.
Should I sacrifice my desirefor sexual intimacy if my spouse
desires to not have sex?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
That's a full question.
I mean deep question here.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Because we've been talking about self-sacrifice,
right, and I think that thatidea of self-sacrifice is
all-encompassing and it musttranslate to every realm of our
lives and every realm of ourrelationship.
I ought to be self-sacrificial,so, at least on the surface,
(06:50):
the answer is always yes.
I always must make aself-sacrifice when it comes to
my desire for sexual intimacy.
One of you is going to have ahigher desire for more frequent
sex than the other.
That's just inevitable, becauseif you're both identical in
that realm, then one of you isunnecessary, but you must.
(07:12):
You will always be in asituation where one of you wants
something more than the other.
So should I then force mydesire upon my spouse and so
every time I have an urge, Ihave to immediately fulfill that
urge with them?
I think that would be entirelyself-serving, selfish and
(07:33):
unfruitful and missing the pointof sex, which is connection.
So is there a place forself-sacrifice?
Yes, there always is a placefor self-sacrifice.
Now this questioner I don't know, maybe there's the other way to
read this question is should Ijust give up my desire for sex
(07:54):
because my spouse will neverhave sex with me?
And I would say no, do not giveup your desire for self for
sexual intimacy.
In fact, I would suggest youprobably can't, even if you
wanted to.
Because again, who put thatthere?
You didn't put it there.
God made you this way.
(08:16):
It's there for a reason andit's there to teach you
something.
Sometimes, what your desires areteaching you is exactly where
your idols are.
So that's a question forself-reflection.
Have I put too much emphasis onthis?
When we make sex our idol, whenwe make sex the thing that
(08:37):
controls us, even though sexwithin marriage is a good thing,
it can become an idol.
It can be a place where we aredependent.
So that's a place forself-reflection here.
But if you have a holy,righteous desire for sex,
there's nothing wrong with thatand that needs to be a place of
(08:58):
conversation.
If you are not having sex inyour marriage, that's a red flag
and in most cases I'm not goingto speak for every case.
I'm certainly not going tospeak for this case, but in most
cases there's sin involved.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
First Corinthians 7 is pretty explicitly clear that
you need to be having regularsex in your marriage, and by
that it means for both of you.
First, corinthians 7 is oftenweaponized against wives, and
yet that passage first beginswith the command that husbands
meet the sexual needs of theirwife and wives meet the sexual
(09:44):
needs of their husband, and soyou both have a need for sex.
Now one of you may be sittingthere thinking, no, I don't.
No, thank you, I could live mylife without this.
Okay, that's okay.
Don't just run from that.
See that, see it for what it isand now challenge to ask why,
(10:10):
when there's no sex happening,that's usually a symptom that
there are other things happeningwithin this marriage.
Right, your sexual relationshipdoes not happen in a bubble.
You cannot believe the lie thatwe are each other's best
friends.
We just don't have sex.
Lies, sorry.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Lies.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
God didn't intend for it to work that way.
That is not how either of youare built.
Sex is not just for men.
Sex is not just a need ofhusbands.
You each have a deep need forsex with your beloved.
Because, again, it's not aboutorgasms, it's not about what
(10:55):
bodies can or can't do.
It is about the relationshipthat is created within the bond
of sexual intimacy.
You can't get that relationshipany other way.
So if you're sitting there andyou're thinking I don't want sex
, recognize that you get tochoose what your body does.
(11:20):
You might be in a place wherethere's not a whole lot of
physical arousal happening.
Okay, but you can choose toshow up.
Okay, but you can choose toshow up.
You can choose to see sex forthe connection that it brings
(11:40):
and the value it is to you andto your relationship.
And do you know what oftenhappens?
When you make a choice, yourbody will usually lead that
choice.
It'll follow.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I would say to the person who asked this question
your spouse may not desire tohave sex.
This person asks should Isacrifice my desire for sexual
intimacy?
Well, it may be that yourspouse doesn't even recognize
that you're seeking sexualintimacy Because we have
(12:14):
replaced or used this wordintimacy as a euphemism for
sexual intercourse.
That's not the whole of thetruth.
You need to be offeringintimacy, not just sex.
Offer relationship, because Iwould suggest 1 Corinthians 7 is
not just talking about makingsure that each of you have
sexual pleasure physically, butit's my obligation as a husband
(12:38):
to provide the whole of sex.
That means creating anemotional and spiritual and
physical environment that isconducive to connection.
I haven't fulfilled myobligations under first
Corinthians seven If I just putmy penis in a vagina or just lay
(13:01):
there while it happens, becauseI haven't created anything, I
haven't built anything, Ihaven't offered anything.
I haven't built anything, Ihaven't offered anything.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
What are some of your favorite topics of conversation
to reconnect and rejuvenatewith one another?
Asked by a good emotionalpursuer, I know these are my
kind of questions.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Okay one of the.
Well, if you're asking us.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
we're not going to tell you what our conversations
are because this is about ourmarriage and you're not invited
in, but I will tell you.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Nor would it be helpful, because you're not us.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
You're not married to us.
One of the resources that welove to use within our marriage,
and we love to encourage y'allto use, is things called
conversation starters, a companyby the name of ultimate
intimacy.
They have an app full of greatideas and information and games
(14:03):
and ways to chat privately, butwithin that app they have a
section in the app that isconversation starters.
But they also sell products,and so they sell a pack of
conversation starters that areall different varieties of
questions.
So what?
We and they're not the onlyones that create this, but, but
we know we can confidentlyrecommend ultimate intimacies
(14:25):
cards because they are designedto be asked within a married
couple.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yes, that's, that's the key.
They are designed for marriedcouples and designed for married
couples that have a faith, abiblical couple.
Yes, that's the key.
They are designed for marriedcouples and designed for married
couples that have a faith abiblical faith.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Yes, one of the things that we love to do on
date night is take a handful ofthese cards with us.
Our rule is that by the timeentrees come out, we are not
allowed to talk about the kids,we are not allowed to talk about
the logistics of life.
Those conversations happen onthe drive there, maybe during
(14:58):
appetizers, but that's it.
After that, our conversation isabout us and these questions
are great for that because itcan be hard.
Maybe both are on board.
I want to have better anddeeper conversations,
conversations that reconnect andrejuvenate us, but I don't know
(15:19):
what question to ask.
These kind of resources willhelp.
You have a question that,frankly, there are some
questions that if he asks, I'mgoing to be like what did you
think of that question?
Right, but if a card?
Asks it okay, we can safelyanswer that question, and so
(15:40):
that would be a way that I wouldrecommend.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah, these kind of resources are so helpful because
they also ask questions thatyou would never think to ask,
and again, you don't have toworry about where those
questions are coming from.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
And sometimes we read one card and that's the
conversation for the entirety ofdinner.
Sometimes we go through fivecards.
I mean, it's all about, and Iwill tell you this we've had
these cards long enough that wemight be asking the same
question and we have a differentway of looking at that.
Now.
We have a different answer.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Three or four years later, that question means
something entirely different.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
I used to be terrified that we were going to
run out of things to talk about.
I just knew there would come apoint in our marriage where we
would run out of questions toask, run out of things to talk
about.
But now what I know is I'm notmarried to the same man that I
married when I was 18 and he was21.
Thankfully, we are differentpeople and so we have a
(16:38):
different perspective now, andwe will keep having a change in
perspective.
And that's where you keep thecuriosity about one another.
That's how you createconversations that reconnect and
rejuvenate you as you keepbeing curious about one another.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
This next question kind of goes along with that how
to handle my spouse gettingdefensive or arguing when I tell
them, when I ask them anyquestion, Again, your spouse may
just be a jerk.
Okay, that's maybe true.
I can't deny that your spousemay be a jerk.
(17:23):
But maybe there's a way to aska question that doesn't get such
a defensive reaction Like,again, the example we gave
earlier.
Why are you such an idiot?
I mean, that's a question butthat's not going to get a
non-defensive response.
Why don't you ever take out thetrash when I ask you to?
(17:48):
That's a question that's notgoing to get a non-defensive
response.
Instead of you know, there'slots of other ways that we can
get to the point that we'retrying to get to, and again,
part of that is if your spousesees that you're willing to own
part of the problem, then itfeels like a we problem, not a
(18:08):
you problem.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Right.
Your goal is to approach anyconflict as a we problem, not a
you versus me, and the way thatyou do that is you view the
conflict through the lens ofyour spouse first.
What happens is, when we haveconflict, we immediately think
(18:31):
of all the reasons why we are100% right, 100% justified in
our reactions.
And they are 100% wrong and Iam going to win the battle.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
You're going to have a battle is your husband wrong
for not taking out the trashwhen he said he would do so?
yes but what if you came to yourhusband and said is there
something I can do to help youremember to take out the trash?
Isn't that a different questionthan why don't you ever do what
(19:07):
I ask you to do?
Why can you never remember thisI ask you to do?
Why can you never remember this?
Why are you such a bonehead?
Those are two differentquestions, two different
approaches addressing the sameproblem.
But now, if I ask is there someway I can help?
Now it's a we problem.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Now, that said, the other side of this coin is we
each all of us have to bewilling to be vulnerable with
one another.
Oftentimes, getting defensive orarguing is the reaction we
throw up because we don't wantto be vulnerable.
We are afraid of what it isthat our spouse is really
looking for from us, and so wethrow up coldness, we throw up
(19:57):
defensiveness, we throw theargument out there when it's
really we're not willing to ownour own actions.
We're not willing to own ourown actions, to name it, and to
be vulnerable with our spouse.
And so all of us have to askourselves where am I building
(20:21):
barriers between my spouse and I, and what are the steps that I
need to do to tear down thosebarriers so that I don't greet
my spouse with thisdefensiveness or argument?
And if that's my go-to methodof communicating with my spouse,
then some things need to change.
They probably need to changewithin me.
(20:46):
Again, you might be married tothe jerk that's asking you a
hundred questions all day longin an ugly way, but you still
can control you and how yourespond to that.
Have a deal or grieve, so tosay, with unmet expectations.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Your life together not looking like what you
thought it would, withouthurting your spouse?
I like this question because ofthe way that it's worded,
because it represents to me areally important and crucial
internal conflict that all of ushave to grapple with.
How do we deal with somethingwithout hurting our spouse?
(21:30):
And I get it.
You are all probably very nicepeople, nicer than me, and you
don't really want to hurt yourspouse, but unfortunately you
don't get the choice aboutwhether you're going to hurt
your spouse or not.
You don't get to choose theoutcome of how this is all going
to turn out.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
And here's the thing you are going to hurt your
spouse because you are a brokenperson, and so is your spouse.
You will be hurt in marriage.
Neither of you are married tothe perfect person.
Neither of you are the perfectperson.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
But don't we always, don't?
We come to people and we say,now look, I need to tell you
something, but don't be mad,that's not your choice.
You don't get to control that.
Now you can say things in a waythat will help to minimize the
negative impacts, but you don'tget to choose how your spouse
(22:27):
responds.
All you can do is confront thereality of where you're at, and
if that disappoints your spouseor that makes them sad or that
hurts their feelings, sometimesthat's going to happen, but as
long as you're approaching itfrom the standpoint of this is
going to hurt your feelings.
(22:48):
I feel terrible about this too.
Now how can we pick up thepieces and move on together in a
way that's productive for bothof us?
Now you're asking the rightquestions.
Now you're headed in the rightdirection, but you can't be
afraid of hurting someone'sfeelings.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
And how do you deal with the grief of a life not
what you thought it would be?
Well, you let go of maybeunrealistic expectations and you
learn to see the joy in whatyou have now.
There is always something to begrateful for.
There is always something thatyou together can say look what
(23:30):
we have.
It's not what I thought itwould be.
But it's better than it couldhave been and maybe, if you
learn to view the life that youdo have with gratitude, you can
learn to start seeing that lifefor the beauty that it really
(23:50):
actually is.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And, ultimately, where you've been is so far less
important than where you areheaded.
The trajectory of yourrelationship today is far more
important than where you wereyesterday, even if yesterday was
amazing and great and perfectand good.
If today you're headed straightdown into the depths of
(24:14):
terribleness, then who caresabout yesterday?
Where you're headed is far moreimportant than where you are.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
How often do you set aside an hour, a night, a
weekend and a week getaway withyour spouse and only them?
Oh, I like this question.
I'm going to refer you to ourpodcast.
We have an episode we just didhere within the last month two
months called the Daily Check-In.
We have since renamed thisCovenant Conversations.
(24:49):
Daily check-in is a terriblename.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
We knew that.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
This is a practice that we recommend, especially if
you find yourself in a placewhere you know what we just
aren't really doing a good jobof connecting on a deeper level.
All we seem to be sharing withone another is the mundane
details of life.
Daily check-in is great forthis.
I want you to listen to thepodcast episode because I'm not
(25:15):
going to take 40 more minutes toexplain it.
But in essence, it's learningto set aside 15 to 20 minutes
per day.
This is less than an episode ofNetflix right Purposefully
setting aside time to connectwith one another.
(25:36):
Yes, and it involves I was goingto say do you want?
To go into more detail.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
There's yeah, there's three steps.
One is 10 to 15 minutes ofmeaningful conversation.
That means not conversationabout logistics or what happened
per se during your day.
It's talking about how I feel,about what happened today,
something that's not logistics,not who's picking up the laundry
(26:02):
, not who's picking up the kidsfrom soccer practice.
It's about how do I feel aboutwhat's happening today or how I
feel about anything.
It's exchanging feelings.
Both of you have to participate.
Set a timer.
If you need to 10-15 minutesThen the second step is you each
offer a statement of gratitudeor praise I am thankful to you
(26:27):
for this, or I think you did agreat job doing this or that, or
whatever it is, and it's got tobe different every day.
That's the real challenge.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
And you both have to be offering you can't say dinner
was great tonight.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Honey, thank you Every night.
That doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
And then the last thing is you end in prayer
together, and again, this iswhere you're getting to the
heart of what.
Do I need to be praying for myspouse?
And guess what If I?
Speaker 1 (26:54):
spent 10 minutes before talking about how I feel
about something.
Now I know exactly what I needto pray about.
Now.
I know exactly where my spouseis.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
So on a daily basis.
We think you should be settingaside that time for for that
kind of check-in and this couldbe condensed into five or ten
minutes.
If you really are, are attunedto it, it doesn't have to take a
lot of time but I think thepoint of that is don't wait for
the date nights for the realconversations.
(27:24):
Those conversations can andshould be happening on a regular
basis when you're beingintentional.
That's what extraordinarylovers do.
They are intentional aboutconnecting with one another.
But I think another part ofthat maybe what this question is
getting at is recognizingthere's good to getting outside
(27:46):
of daily life together, gettingaway together.
We highly, highly, highlyrecommend getaways.
We think they need to be 24hours.
At least 48 hours is so muchbetter.
Give yourself two nights away,get away together together.
(28:11):
It may look like you shippingthe kids off to a friend's house
and just staying at your housefor 48 hours just the two of you
.
You can do that only if youdon't do projects together only
if you don't just clean thehouse, but where the real magic
happens is when you purposelyget away from everyday life
together.
Your marriage needs this.
Your kids need you to get away.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
And your conversations will invariably
change.
The things that you talk aboutand think about and have time to
deal with will be so differentthan what you can actually
accomplish on a nightlyconversation or even a weekly
date night.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
So you need to be doing that once a year at the
minimum, at the minimum once ayear.
I know a great way you can dothis and it's going to a
marriage retreat that happens inSeptember in the Houston area.
I hear the people who do thatare pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Something like that.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Date night.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
And date night.
And by date night we don'tnecessarily mean that you have
to go out to an expensiverestaurant and spend a lot of
money on babysitters and food orentertainment.
Mostly, what we mean by datenight is setting aside an hour
or more with your spouse infocused, meaningful time
together.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
That could look like putting the kids to bed early
and setting up a picnic on theback porch.
Something that's intentional, alittle different than everyday
life, and purposeful, connectingwith one another.
If you can go out to arestaurant together, great, but
(29:53):
don't not have date night justbecause you think that you can't
go out.
Do you have any suggestions foradditional ways to make the
bedroom a special place for us?
I like this.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I feel like this is someone leaning into.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
all right, I'm going to get the laundry out, I'm
going to get the office suppliesout of my bedroom.
So we went through this in ourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
There was a time that our bedroom was literally the
dumping ground for everything.
Oh yeah, it was the laundry bin.
We had our desk and our homecomputer, and all of the
incoming mail was piled in acorner.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
And there was a baby cradle over in the other corner
exactly.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
We've been there, done that yes, experienced it
and we get it sometimes, youknow, we're limited by the space
that we live in, right?
I understand that we can't allafford to.
You know, put a 3 000 squarefoot addition onto our house
that's solely for the purpose ofhaving sex, as great as that
sounds then you could reallyhave a sex room.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
There you go.
But how do you do this?
How do you carve out and createa space that's special for both
of you?
For us that looked likeobviously getting rid of all of
the rest, and this was when welived in a T90 little mobile
home, so don't think that we hadall these big bedrooms.
(31:12):
But I moved the desk rightbeside the eating table and you
had to like do the shimmy to getbetween the two of them, but I
needed the desk to be out of ourroom.
You know, we moved the babyinto another room with another
child.
We created, we sacrificed inother places in our home to make
(31:33):
the priority of our specialplace for our room, and we also
invested money.
You know, I got rid of thequilt with holes that I never
even liked to begin with, and Itook and set aside a little
money to say what is it that wewant this space to look like?
Now, just general advice aboutdecorating.
(31:56):
I'm just going to throw thisout there.
Ladies, it's not just your room.
Your husband should have avoice in your room.
So there's some noiseshappening within some of you
guys.
But figure out together andthis, honestly, for us looked
(32:18):
like looking through.
We're old, so we looked throughsome magazines.
You can do this online nowPinterest but we found out
together what together equalsrelaxation.
So I didn't go as frilly as Iwould have gone all by myself.
We also didn't go asstreamlined modern as he would
have gone all by himself.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
We didn't hang sports posters in the corner.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
We co-created together what will be something
meaningful.
Now I will tell you thefavorite part of my bedroom,
besides the bed, is the twochairs and tables sitting in the
side of our room, becausethat's our sacred space that we
can sit and have meaningfulconversations together.
(33:03):
So if you at all have theability to do that, do that.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
Yes, and you want some inspiration.
What do hotel rooms look like?
They're not frilly and pink andlacy.
They're also not sports-themed.
Generally they're relativelyneutral, but there is an energy
of and I know nothing aboutinterior design, but there is a
(33:29):
different feeling in a hotelroom than in some bedrooms that
I have seen.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
We're not talking like holiday inn, like you know
think resort.
Put it that way.
Thank you, good point.
Also, think about just lightingand smells.
That can be a really great wayto bring in.
So you don't have a lot ofmoney to change the decor.
Buy a nice candle.
Buy a candle you both like thesmell of.
(33:57):
That's a great date night.
Go pick out a candle together.
We literally just did this acouple weekends ago.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
It's not that expensive even.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Right, go find a nice candle.
And so when you burn that youare setting a stage that is
special between the two of you.
Turn off the overhead lightsand buy a lamp, turn on
something that's soft and anenjoyable light, find the
candles, that kind of thing thisdoes not have to be an
extravagant.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
You know, chip and joanna gaines makeover.
This sometimes is is just,piece by piece, reminding
yourselves what this is allabout.
The pictures that we hang inour bedroom there are no
children on the walls in ourbedroom.
It's our wedding photos and itis photos of our adventures
together.
I mean, that's just a.
(34:45):
We love our kids, maybe morethan you love yours, but we
don't want them in our bedroom.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Literally.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Looking at your child's one-year-old picture
right beside your bed might notbe actually what you would like.
That's not going to do it forme.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
I don't know about y'all, that's not going to do it
for me.
So again it's, and again thismaybe goes back to this idea of
sanctification of the ordinary.
This is a place, this issomething where you can really
sanctify something as ordinaryas the bedspread, and if each of
those choices is madeintentionally, then it comes
(35:23):
together to bring, to provide,to make a place again that's
co-created, that is somethingspecial between the two of you.
Thanks for joining us on thepodcast, thanks for listening to
our responses to thesequestions and certainly hope
(35:44):
that that's been.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Christmas potpourri.
I like that.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Christmas Q&A potpourri.
We would love to hear yourfeedback.
You can contact us by emailingpodcast at intimatecovenantcom
or you can submit anonymousfeedback and questions if you go
to our website,intimatecovenantcom slash
podcast.
We would love to hear yourfeedback, your takes, what
questions did we get right?
(36:08):
What answers did we get wrong?
Certainly would love to hearfrom you and certainly we would
love to hear your questions.
Feel free to email us at anytime.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
We're truly humbled by all yourencouragement and your support.
Thanks especially to ourPatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real waythis year.
If Intimate Covenant hasblessed your marriage, we'd love
to have you join us too.
You can subscribe at patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Also, please support our marriage-centered affiliate
businesses.
Links and exclusive discountcodes are available in the show
notes.
Your purchases with thesevendors helps support Intimate
Covenant.
Thank you for doing so.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
With deep gratitude and humble appreciation.
We want to wish all of you avery Merry Christmas, and may
God bless your new year withlove and intimate connection in
your marriage.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
In 2025, keep striving and don't settle.
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