November 19, 2024 • 43 mins
Linda Henderson’s daughter, Andrea, was only 27 when she died suddenly in a car crash. For three years Linda waited for two trials to end, one for the driver who caused the accident, and one to remain connected with her grandson. During this time Linda was existing outside of her body, but she eventually found a larger support network and authored her memoir. Now Linda wants to help support other people’s grief and embrace the moments and give the message of hope.
Check out Linda’s Books on Amazon:
The Road of Love & Hope: https://a.co/d/61Jk5Gc
Spooky Meets a Friend by Andrea: https://a.co/d/3ZqutW3
Donate to the podcast: https://ko-fi.com/introducingmepodcast
Want to share your story and be a guest? Email: introducingmepodcast@gmail.com
Find all the podcast social media and more on the website: https://www.introducingmepodcast.com
Artwork: instagram.com/vashaundesigns
Music/Editing: youtube.com/colemanrowlett
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:15):
- Hello and welcome to Introducing Me.
I'm your host, Sarah. Istarted this podcast to get
to know other people and lifestyles while
discovering more about myself.
Each episode, I'll givea new guest a chance
to discuss their background,culture, interests,
or whatever they want to talkabout to help increase all
of our own worldviews.
Today, I would like to introduceyou to Linda Henderson.
Nearly a decade after Lindatragically lost her daughter,
(00:38):
she used her journals to author a memoir,
after spending 37 years caring for others,
and as a retired nurse tofurther understand suffering,
Linda has received variouscertificates to give hope
to other bereaved parents.
So I'm excited to hear moreabout Linda today, hear more
of her story and what she'sdoing to connect with others.
So thank you so much, Linda.
(00:59):
Why don't you go ahead and tell
the audience more about yourself.
- Thank you for having me, Sarah.
Um, it's always my pleasureto talk about my daughter
and what I call my lovestory, our love story, um,
because really in the end,that's what it's all about.
Uh, my daughter, uh, Andrea was
(01:19):
my youngest of my two biological children.
We have a blended family,
and she was the baby,as I said, of my two.
Um, Andrea was 27 years old.
Um, she was at the prime in her life.
She was, um, married,had the dream wedding,
(01:39):
fell in love, you know, the princess,
the limo looked gorgeous, all of that.
Um, had a 2-year-old little boy,
and they had purchased a house.
Um, in August of 2011,they watched it get built
and, um, you know, allthe excitement there.
(02:00):
And, um, on December 20th, 2011,
she was killed instantlyin a car accident.
Um, she was pregnant with her second baby,
and that's the story of
how my life was shattered in just moments.
(02:21):
Um, she was
a social worker working withthe youth of our community,
working with girls betweenthe ages of 13 and 18.
And, uh, these girls hadbeen through the foster care
and, um, this was kind of likethe end of the rope for them.
And she was a teacher intheir literacy program
(02:44):
called New Directions.
And so she helped these girlswith their reading levels.
Of course, they were alldifferent ranges depending on
how their, what they hadbeen through in their life.
So, um, that is what she was doing.
And on that day, her andher coworker were out
and they had taken twogirls into the community
(03:06):
teaching them how to begood community citizens.
And they had collected money
and they were gonna adopt a child.
And, um, they were on theirway back to their place
of employment about two blocks away.
They were stopped waiting to turn left.
Um, Andrea was a passenger,her coworker was the driver.
(03:30):
And, uh, they had two girls in the back.
They were driving a smallvehicle when a transport truck
driver hit them.
While he was, um, disdistracted, he was texting
and having an argument withhis girlfriend on the phone,
and he hit them and pushed theminto the southbound traffic
where they were hit yetagain by another car.
(03:52):
And t-boned. So her worker, her coworker
and Andrea were both killed instantly.
And, uh, the two girls inthe back, um, survived.
Um, one was barely, but she survived.
And now today they livewith a lot of trauma
and all the effects that are encountered
(04:16):
with something like that.
Um, we were texting that day.
She was, uh, she wasfortunate to be at a job
where she could text me,
and we had a very close relationship.
And, you know, um, we had been text the,
after the, the accident wasabout 12:30 in the afternoon,
and we'd been texting all morning.
(04:37):
She was telling me shewas, you know, tired
and she should have stayed home.
And just the usual mama daughter talk.
And there were many I love yous as usual.
And then the texting just stopped.
And, um, it took about six hours
before I really knew what had happened,
(04:58):
because what she had doneis she procrastinated
and forgot to change all her ID.
And so when they were lookingfor family members, they went
to her old address.
And so after about sixhours, we, we got the news.
Um, I was of course, you know,
just the anxiety buildingand building and building.
(05:20):
And then when she didn't pickup her little 2-year-old boy
from the paternal grandmother'sbabysitter, then I knew
for sure that, you know,something had happened.
And, um, it's been the last,
this December 20th comingup now will be 13 years.
And, uh, time is interesting,isn't it? It's a passageway.
(05:41):
We just travel through
and then sometimes you just don't even
realize how you got there.
- Yeah, yeah. The time passingfrom then, and, you know,
before we started recording,you acknowledged even just kind
of like this time of year foryou and how that comes about.
So what, you know,
after you learned of this tragedy, um,
(06:05):
what was kind of thetransition in your life to know
Okay, going forward?
Like, I can't, mydaughter's no longer here.
- I think, um, duringthe first three years,
I don't believe that I grieved at all.
I think I just existed, um,because it took three years
(06:29):
before the trucker.
Um, the, the trial had been completed
and, um, this situationwas resolved there.
So in our town, it was avery high profile accident,
and it was on the radio everytime I turned the radio on,
you know, I'd be hearing his name
and hearing, you know, whenthe next court date is.
(06:50):
And, uh, then I alsohad another trial that,
uh, was going on at the time.
Her, her husband, haddecided that we didn't need
to see our 2-year-oldgrandson who I babysat in
between my working all the time.
After about a year of,um, asking permission
and seeing very little of him, we decided
(07:10):
to take him to court.
So we had two trials, two,
two legal things goingon at the same time.
And there was a lot of outsideall that, outside, all the
outside things happening, which
I had complicated prolonged grief.
And, um, they both settled at the same
time, three years later.
(07:31):
So how I got through that, I am not sure.
Um, I did, you know, I have,
I have my husband who's my rock.
In those first early,early weeks to months,
I was heavily medicated.
Um, it was basically him telling me,
when's the last time you showered?
When's the last timeyou brushed your teeth?
(07:52):
It's time to eat lunch. Nowit's time to have supper.
And I was just existingoutside of my body.
My heart was beating, but I wasexisting outside of my body.
And that carried on for, formonths, months and months.
And then I gradually Igot connected with, um,
a support group of bereavedmoms, five or six moms.
(08:14):
In those days, therewere no zoom meetings.
So, um, it, it, it became my, my lifeline
to go, um, every two weeks to that group
and be around like-mindedpeople and feel the support
and that everybody understood,
and that I wasn't alone in my suffering.
(08:34):
And then, you know, thatalong with checking in
with the physician on a regular basis
for adjusting the medication,
and, um, I had a counselor,the same counselor
for nine years, and I saw herregularly based on my needs.
So somehow time gets you through
(08:56):
and, um, hope kind ofjust creeps in, you know,
whether you want it to or not.
I didn't wanna be here. Iwanted to be wherever she was.
Um, but this is
where I am.
- Right. Now
were you still nursingthrough all of this,
or did you decide to retire right away?
(09:20):
- I was 57 years old,
and the plan was, youknow, you're my husband
and I, well, you know, we'regonna work till we're 65.
And, you know, we had all, youhave all your goals set out.
And, uh, no, I, I did not goback to nursing after that.
I was doing community nursing
and, you know, going into people's homes
and, um, taking care of the elderly,
(09:40):
filling up their pill boxes, you know,
blood pressure checks and all that stuff.
And, you know, I did not,I, I lost everything.
I lost my identity,who I was, um, empathy.
I didn't care if Mr.Smith had an infected toe.
Like that was way, way less than something
that I could ever imagine dealing with.
(10:03):
So, no, I never, it, I always say,
people say, oh, you're retired.
And I say, well, at the time,like over the years, no,
it was a forced retirement.
I, um, I just couldn't go back to work.
I could barely function in life.I couldn't even go to work.
I used to joke, yearslater, I would say, well,
I can't even work at Walmart
because I can't be a Walmart greeter
(10:25):
and say, hi, how are you today?
Because I really don't carehow you are today, you know.
- But realizing, you know,putting yourself first
and acknowledging kind of whatyour needs were at the time,
and, you know, now beingable to be retired, um,
and not having to try to fake empathy
(10:47):
for other people, I think is important.
- Mm-Hmm. - So how did
those two court cases end up resolving?
- Well, uh, the one with mygrandson, um, I live in Ontario,
Canada, and the one with mygrandson, um, we were told
by our lawyer, and we hadletters from his lawyer
(11:09):
that there are no grandparent rights.
You are going to lose.You're wasting your money.
You're not, there's notbeen a case like this.
You're not going to win.
And my response was, yes, we will.
And I don't care how much itis, I will remortgage my house.
If I can't see mygrandson, then I will die,
(11:29):
because he was my onlylittle piece of her.
And, uh, we won,
we won far more than weever thought we would.
Um, he was, uh, at the time, five,
I believe, just turned five.
And so we got, we started visitation
with him regularly the firstSaturday of every month
(11:52):
for three hours, the second,
the third Saturday for five hours.
And when he turned six,
that third Saturday became a sleepover.
And then when he turned six, we had him
for three days vacation.
And then after that, um,we've had him every summer
for five days vacation anda sleepover once a month.
I mean, really, itshould be more than that.
(12:13):
The door should be farmore open for grandparents.
But we were really happy to have that.
And, um, he knows that when he comes
and all through theyears, that when he comes,
that is his time to be number one.
It's like, what do you wantfor breakfast today, Tristan?
What are we having for supper tonight?
Because everything was determined on his
(12:34):
desire and his needs.
And, um, today we have abeautiful relationship with him.
And the other one, the trucker,he walked away a free man.
Uh, the prosecution failed.
I really can't remember too many too,
too much of those days.
Those hours in thecourtroom having to leave
(12:54):
and take me to some roomwhere it was completely,
nobody could hear me
and release all my, so many people said,
oh, you know, you don't need to go.
Well, yeah, I do. I I am still her mom
and I need to be here.
So it was pretty treacherous.
But, um, the prosecution,as I said, failed to submit
(13:15):
some paperwork to provethat he was criminally
responsible for the accident.
And so as a result, the judgesaid that, you know, I, I know
that you caused the accident,
but I can't criminally, I can'tfind you criminally guilty.
So he walked out, a freeman, lit up a cigarette
and went on to live his life.
(13:36):
And I'm imprisoned forlife without my daughter.
I never looked to thejudicial system for healing,
because at the end of the day,
I'm not gonna have her anyway.
So it didn't matter if hewent to jail for 10 years,
15 years, one year, it doesn't matter.
But that's how it all went down.
- Yeah. So one court casewent well, one did not.
(14:00):
So. - Yeah.- When you have these visitations
and time spent with your grandson, does
that bring up grief with you,
or are you able to like, enjoy the fact
that he's there, that you havethis piece of your daughter?
(14:21):
- Um, we totally enjoyevery second with him.
Um, and whatever, whatever emotions
or feelings I have are not part of
that time that he's with us.
But when he leaves, it's exhausting.
And, um, it's bittersweet, you know,
(14:43):
especially as he's getting older.
He looks like his mom.
He smiles, he's got his mom's mom's smile.
Um, he has her personality.
He's clever like her, uh, you know,
and you know, some mightsay, well, you know, that
that should bring a smile andthat should warm your heart.
And yes, it does all of those things.
(15:05):
And I speak of him withpride as I do my daughter,
but she's not here toshare all that with him.
So, um, it is bittersweet, you know,
after losing with grief,there is, you know,
with my daughter, I alwayssay there is my life be,
there's always the before and the after.
(15:25):
There was my life before and my life
after, which is now, whichis completely different.
I'm a changed person.I'm not who I was before.
- And so how did thischange in life affect,
you know, your husband, your other child?
How did those things kind of,
(15:48):
because you mentioned howyour husband was like your
rock. Um.
- Yeah, he, um, he's amazing.
You know, it's just, I'mvery fortunate and blessed.
Um, I think, you know, men,
that's a whole different thing, right?
When it comes to grieving,you know, there, you know, he,
(16:11):
he was, he's the caretakercaregiver, right?
And he was really the caregiver with me.
And, um, he, I'm sure he grieved
and he grieved when he was not around me.
And he, he often says to mewhen we talk about it that, um,
him going to work was his distraction.
(16:33):
And it kept him busyand kept his mind occupied.
And then when he came home,I sure kept him occupied.
So he probably didn'thave a lot of hours to
release his feelings and emotions.
And I really, really, um, don't know how,
(16:53):
you know, we haven't reallygone into detail about how
and when did you cry type of thing.
We've spent many timeswhere we cry together.
You know, we sit down at our coffee table
and, you know, havepictures of Andrea there
and my little angelcandles, and we sit down
and we talk about her,
and we both, you know, shed our tears.
(17:14):
But, um, he does everything
that he can possiblythink of to honor her.
You know, if we, um, have a glass of wine,
he takes out the her glasses.
Um, you know, he'llChristmas time, he'll, um,
she loved lemon meringuepies without the meringue,
(17:35):
so he makes lemon meringue pies,
but he used to put justthe lemon pudding part
of the pie in little containers, um,
in the fridge, a few for her.
And he still does that today.
He, he makes just that,
because that's the way Andrea liked it.
So I think he spends, youknow, he, he honors her.
(17:58):
He's, um, an amazing guy.- Great. - That's all I can say.
- Now I mentioned in thebeginning how, you know, you
took your journals anddecided to author a memoir.
So can you talk a little about,a bit about why, you know,
you chose to do this
and how, what that process was even like?
(18:20):
- Well, I, you know, peoplesay things all the time
and several times, you know,in my journey, you know,
I've said, ah, one of thesedays I'm gonna write a book.
Right? And, uh,
because there was justso many things happening
and grief, um, completely, you know, this,
this whole body experienceof grief, I mean,
(18:42):
it affects you mentally,spiritually, physically, you know,
just grief attacked me in the middle
of the night and took my daughter.
And so, um, one of thethings that was therapeutic
for me that I had, you know, learned as a,
as a tool, uh, was walking.
And, um, I like to walk
(19:04):
and gradually build myself up, walking
to 45 minutes, 50 minutes aday where I just go for a walk.
I need to get away,
and I make sure I go to an areawhere it's not residential,
and that's my time when I canscream, yell, argue with God,
talk to Andrea, shed my tears.
(19:26):
And by the time I do all that,
and with the physical exertionof walking, I come home
and I feel better, and I'm ready
to take on the next wave of grief.
And, uh, I came home one day,nine years into my journey
and said to my husband, that is it.
I am starting this book. And I did.
And it took me two years.
And, um, that's how the Road of Love
(19:48):
and Hope was born. Yeah.
- And what, what is kind of likethe synopsis of your book
and like, is it kind
of entirely surroundingyour grief journey,
or is it other parts of your experience?
- Well, um, I knew nothingabout writing a book.
(20:11):
I mean, I just wanted to share my story.
And when I sat down to writemy book, I said, you know, if,
if this comes to pass, um, if I help
one person, one family dealing
with this pure hell, thenI have achieved my goal.
(20:33):
So, um, that was the reasonwhy I, I wrote the book.
I just, after experiencing everything
that I have experienced,I just wanted to, I knew
that I was gonna be ableto help somebody out there,
and that I was gonna be ableto give some inspiration
to somebody out there.
And, um, so I decided that
(20:57):
in the first six months,I'll back it up a bit, I,
I was born and raised in a Christian home,
believed in heaven, and, and felt that
that's where Andrea is.
But I just needed confirmation.
And so I read as many books
as I could about near deathexperiences and about heaven,
and I just wanted, that was what I craved.
And there was one time I got a book
(21:19):
and it was, um, writtenby a neuroscientist
who had experienced anear death experience.
And I thought, oh, I should be able
to understand all themedical jargon in here.
This is no problem. Right?
So I started reading, and
after the first few chapters,
my poor old grief brainsaid, no, you can't.
I, I just couldn't read it.It was far too complicated.
(21:43):
You know, I just craved
and needed somethingthat was relatable to me.
So when I sat down to writemy book, I, I remembered that
and said, I am going towrite it from a brokenhearted
mama's perspective as though I'm sitting
and talking to one person
who has just lost theirchild, their loved one.
(22:04):
And, you know, this is,this is how you feel.
You're, you know, sobasically in the beginning,
I talk about grief, what itdoes to you, how you feel,
you're not losing your mind,you know, um, just all of,
all of the information about grief.
Grief is an umbrella.
(22:26):
And, you know, we deal withpeople that are grieving, deal
with depression, anxiety, anger, fears,
um, all of those things.
And so I just kind of go intothose areas, um, a little bit
to explain about themand relate them to grief
and make people understand
(22:46):
that you're experiencingthese things, right?
This is, and it's normal.
I just wanted to, because Ifelt like I was going crazy.
I felt like there'ssomething wrong with me.
I even said to my husbandone time, I don't know
what brain damage feels like,
but I feel like my brain,there's something wrong.
Of course, now we know that, you know,
the neurotransmitters areall messed up in your brain,
(23:09):
and there's so many things going on,
but I didn't know that at thetime, so I wanted to explain
to the reader that You're okay,
you're normal, and this is why.
And then I just startedtalking about how I started
to let hope, um, come into my life
and all the things I didto honor and love Andrea.
(23:31):
- And so you joined this grief circle,
like you had some peopleyou were connecting
with pre zoom days.
Um, how are you connectingwith other folks
who are on similar journeys nowadays?
- Oh, now, since I've written my book,
I'm on a journey of self-discovery.
(23:51):
I've found my new purpose,
and I am just grieving now
after all of these years.
I feel that I'm grieving healthily
and I'm connected with,um, so many bereaved.
I started out connecting with bereaved
with groups on Facebook andconnecting with these moms,
(24:14):
and now I'm friends with so many of them,
and I attend, uh, zoommeetings twice a week.
And, um, it's just such a network of,
of Berea, a bereaved communitythat I'm part of now that is
that I'm reaching out
and helping others,and they're helping me.
(24:38):
- And what do you see,you know, for your future?
And obviously isn't somethinglike where you are now is not
where you thought youwould be 20 years ago, um,
but what do you hope forthe future as it lays now?
(24:59):
- Well, I'm just going tocontinue doing what I'm doing, um,
promoting my book, um, tryingto reach as many people
as I possibly can, you know, um,
and give the message ofhope and, um, to inspire
(25:19):
and empower that no matter
what the situation you're living with you,
you can deal with it.
And you, you can,
you can come out a betterperson because of it.
Right now, I'm living thebest version of me possible.
And, um, I will continue to do that
(25:41):
and continue to just reachout and help other people.
I'm looking into, you know,I'm doing all sorts of things.
I've, um, written a couple of articles
that are published insome online magazines.
I am, um, probably going tobe speaking at some local,
um, churches in the area for grief groups.
(26:03):
Just, I see myself continuing with that,
because I'm not gonna stoptalking about my story.
I'm not gonna stop talkingabout Andrea, she's my daughter.
And, um, everybody talks abouttheir children that are here.
Why can't I still talk about her? Right.
- A hundred percent. Completelyunderstandable.
You know, I think it's oneof those, if you have kids,
(26:24):
it's kind of one of thefirst opening questions
that someone will ask juston like, oh, how's it going?
How are the kids? Or,
for you to have thatchance to, to still be able
to do that is,
is definitely important.
- Of course, of course. Goingto my book signings, I go
to the local bookstoresand sit there for two
(26:44):
or three hours, and I havemy display, my display of
Andrea's picture, my books.
I also published a book thatshe wrote in high school,
and it was a projectshe had to write a book,
a storybook, uh, for children.
And I had that published,
and that's called Spooky Meets a Friend.
So I also have that on display,
(27:05):
and, you know, her pictures there.
So I, I get to talk about my book,
our journey, our love story.
I get to talk about herand how wonderful she was,
and look at how talented she was.
She wrote a book,
and that's what I'm gonnacontinue to do.
- Mm-Hmm. Could you seeyourself writing another book
(27:27):
to kind of expand on some
of these themes and just share more?
Or do you think like you did the one book
and you'll just kind of continue
to promote the message in other ways?
- Um, I will continue
to promote the message inevery way that I've been doing.
And whatever open door,whatever door opens,
(27:48):
I will walk in if it'sa door of opportunity.
And yes, I am planning onworking on another book
continuation from this one.
- Okay. Very nice. So, you know,kind of taking it from,
you know, you're here to helpinspire, you're here to kind
of bring this message of hope.
(28:11):
Um, for someone who is grieving,
what would you say isthe most important thing
for them to hear?
- Well through all of this.
Um, I mean, there's a lot that I can say.
First of all, um, I will say that, um,
grief is hard work.
(28:32):
Grief is very ugly.
It's messy and destructive
and unpredictable, and youhave to work through it.
In order to see the lightthrough the forest, you have
to walk through the forestand you have to work at it.
And it's hard work. Sothat work being, you have
(28:54):
to shed those tears.
You have to cry, and youhave to cry without guilt.
And that is so important that you have
to work through the grief.
Um, a motto that I have kind of found
for myself through these years is,
and I've been just, you know,in these next few months,
(29:17):
couple of months, nextmonth now will be 13 years.
And I have to keep telling myself
and reminding myself,you need to, you need
to practice your words, Linda, right?
And that is embrace themoments, you know, we need
to embrace the moments of life,
and whatever that looks likefor you, you know, if it's
for a person who's just newly grieving,
(29:40):
you embrace those momentswhere if you've had a day
and you've cried, and you canactually sit and have a coffee
or a tea and breathe easier,you embrace those moments
because that is life coming back in.
That is, and you willallow life to come back in
by embracing those moments.
You know, for me, I embraceevery moment when I go
(30:00):
for a walk, if I see weedsthat are flowering, it's like,
oh my gosh, they're beautiful.
And I take pictures.I embrace every moment
because if there's one thingthat grief has taught me, uh,
grief has taught me thattomorrow may not come,
this afternoon, may not come.
You know, life is precious,
(30:22):
and we need to embraceevery moment of life,
and we need to cherish thememories, cherish the memories
that we have with our lovedones, and create more.
Because at the end of theday, that's all you have.
That's all, that's allyou have from your past
with your loved one.
And, you know, youcherish the memories now
(30:43):
because one day you'regonna need those memories,
and they may make you crynow and make you shed tears,
but they will warm your heart.
And by doing all of that, youwill create hope for tomorrow.
And we all need hope thatthings will get better.
- We definitely do need some hope.
And I think this mantra ofembracing the moment can
(31:06):
be really, you know, tangiblein so many ways for people,
whether they're on grief journeyor not, to really focus in.
- Absolutely. Absolutely.
It's, it's, you know, it's something
that everybody should do.
And, you know, life getsbusy and people don't do it.
But, um, it's certainlytaught me that that is exactly
(31:30):
what I have to do, right?
I embrace and treasure a treasure life
because life is a gift.
I remember many years ago, um,
a pastor telling me, you know,your, your faith is crushed.
Everything is crushed. You know,you have to start all over,
build up from ground zero.
(31:50):
And pastor told me, youknow, life is a gift.
You know, Andrea was a gift,
and, you know, you weren'tguaranteed to have her forever.
And I'm like, what? Iremember when he told me that.
I'm like, yeah, you know, the anger.
And I'm like, you don't knowwhat you're talking about.
You're crazy. And now, fast forward,
(32:10):
it is so true.
Life is a gift and so treasure it.
- Yes. Now, obviously, thisgrief is very insurmountable,
you know, as the years come, go past
and learning to livewith all of that, prior
to Andrea's passing, hadyou experienced any sort
(32:33):
of, I don't wanna say like major grief,
but beyond just like minorgrief that you could have
in any way been somewhatprepared to handle this
much larger grief?
- Absolutely nothing.
Nothing could prepare you forthe loss of a child. Nothing.
(32:54):
Um, I had nursed for 37 years.
I had experienced death.
I had been there holding thehand of somebody passing on,
holding the hands of family members.
But at the end of the day, I could go home
and I could say, thank God that wasn't me.
Um, I lost my mother
(33:16):
before I lost Andrea and her
and I had a relationship thatwas beyond, beyond, you know,
uh, I loved her dearly,
and I thought that wasgoing to kill me now.
And I've lost my 88-year-oldfather four years ago since
Andrea and all of those, those, you know,
(33:37):
Andrea, my mother, my father, you know,
grief is grief. Pain
is pain. Um, but they'realso totally different.
But I can say from myexperience, the depths of loss,
the depth of pain with Andrea.
It crushed me and almost killed me.
(33:57):
I didn't wanna be here, andI had suicidal ideations,
and thankfully I didn't.
But that's how profound it is.
Nothing, nothing couldhave prepared me for this.
- Of course not. No. Imean, it's, you know, one
of the largest tragedies someone can
(34:19):
individually experience.
Um, uh, the reason I askedwas purely kind of that,
you know, was there any baseline?
Um, I think everyone experiences grief
in such different ways.
Um. - Absolutely. Mm-Hmm.
- And, and some people have
to unfortunately experienceit more than others.
(34:41):
Um, so to kind of hear youon this other side of it,
you know, kind ofexperience, you know,
these message of hope.
Um, and, and looking tohow can you inspire and,
and connect with others.
I think, you know, to hear
how far you've come isis just really important
to acknowledge like all ofthe work that you've done.
(35:05):
- Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm. Oh, it's a lot of work.
Daily and still is. I, I struggle now.
I struggle a lot of those things
that you deal with in grief.
Um, like I said, you'renever the same person.
Some of those changesthat happen are permanent.
Some of them are temporary,
but some of the permanent ones, um,
(35:27):
become lifelong mental illnessesfor me, like depression,
anxiety, and anger.
You know, those are thingsI deal with every day.
And now going into December months, um,
I deal with them every day.
The thing with grief is that it,
and time, time as a teacher, um,
time doesn't heal the wounds.
Time doesn't heal any,any pain, but it teaches.
(35:51):
And as time passes by you,you encounter those waves
of grief and you godown that big dark hole,
but you've learned how to climb out.
That's all I can say about that .
So I struggle and still tryto, um, let myself go to bed
for the day if I need to, youknow, if that's what I have
to do, and then the nextday deal with it again.
(36:14):
- Right? Yes.
Learning how to climb out,figuring out what you need to do,
do, and giving yourself that space.
You mentioned how going on walkshave been very therapeutic.
What other ways do you find yourself, um,
best managing grief?
(36:35):
- Right now
I think, um, the walking is a big thing.
Um, just, you know, the, the,the self-care of recognizing
that, you know what,today is not a good day.
The pain, um, I'm missing her so much.
I'm starting to go downthat slippery slope.
So allowing myself to feel
(36:58):
and make space for that grief.
And so then if I have togo to bed, like I said,
then I will, you know, um, orif I'm invited out somewhere
and I can't make it, then Ijust say that I can't come
and I don't have to give a reason
and I don't have to be,you know, apologetic
(37:19):
and I don't have to feel guilty.
So it's called taking care of me
in those ways, like settingboundaries, especially coming
with the Christmas season,you know, if, if I, if it's,
if it's, uh, December 16th
and I'm telling you now I'mcoming for, you know, yes,
I can come for dinner, but it'sDecember 16th at nine in the
(37:40):
morning and I can't come,hello, I'm not coming.
And heaven help the personthat doesn't understand
that, you know?
- Yeah. - Um, so I just take care of myself.
I, I recognize and acknowledge that grief
and love cohabitate in my heart,
and I just have to live my life
(38:03):
accordingly, as long as thegrief does not control me.
So my walks are a big thing.
I don't have counseling anymore,
but my husband is my sounding board.
And when I need to talk,you know, everybody needs,
I would say someone to talk to someone.
Some, a support network,whether it's a network
or one person, everybody needsthat support system there.
(38:27):
- Yes. Finding. Finding support.
Um, definitely paramount.
Um, and all that facets of life,
but definitely when livingwith longstanding grief.
- Mm-Hmm. Yeah. It's forever.
Love is forever. Grief is forever.
- Yes. Yeah. So you, as, asyou've shared your story today,
(38:49):
that is rung true and, andcome through very much.
Um, I appreciate yousharing about everything.
You know, you've beenthrough everything you know
about Andrea's life.
Before I start to wrap thingsup, is there anything else
that you want to makesure the listeners hear?
(39:10):
- Basically, I, I think, you know,
when I said my mottothere, embrace the moments,
cherish the memoriesand hope for tomorrow.
I mean, that, that to meis so, those words are
so valuable, and I try tolive by those words daily.
And I think, you know, if,like I said, if people do that,
(39:31):
if everyone does that,then you are creating hope
for yourself, even though youdon't sometimes feel like it.
If you're grieving and you'refeeling so low, if you try
to just do those things,you're letting life in
and creating hope for yourself.
- Yes. Creating hope for yourself.
What a great place tobe wrapping things up.
(39:53):
Now, I do ask all my guestsa random question at the end
that doesn't have to do withwhat we've been talking about.
So I, I wanna go back to your childhood
and ask you, what was yourfavorite toy growing up?
- Oh my goodness. Youknow, I am going to be
(40:15):
70 years old December 28th,
and I don't have a lot
of memories of toys.
We, um, didn't have a lot of money,
but we were a happy, stable family.
But I do remember,
(40:36):
and I talk about thisone toy so many times
to my family members, andI've told my kids about it,
and I actually had this doll up until,
I don't know, maybe, maybe 10 years ago.
Um, we didn't have much money.
And I remember, I don'tremember how I got the toy,
(40:59):
but I know my father told methat we were, uh, very involved
with the church and we wentto the, the Salvation Army.
A lot of people think of it asan organization to help out,
but it's an actual churchlike Pentecostal Baptist.
And so we went to church quite often.
And so the Salvation Army, this,
I guess they helped usout with Christmases.
(41:19):
And, um, so I've got this little doll,
I must have been about four,
five, I still remember.
And I got this little doll,
and it was a black baby doll,
and she had like thethick, black, curly hair,
(41:39):
and she had a prettylittle pink satin dress.
And I absolutely adored that doll.
And I, like I said, had herup until about 10 years ago.
And I'm not sure what happened after that,
but that was my, I wouldsay my favorite toy.
And it's from like when Iwas four or five years old.
(42:00):
So it must have left a great impact on me.
And how beautiful is that, right?
To have a little black doll
and for a child growingup didn't matter to me.
It was, you know, a beautifulbaby and I cared for it,
and I played with it.
(42:20):
It was very special.
- All right, that bringsthis episode to a close.
So I will be leaving links to the books
that Linda has mentionedin the description.
So if you wanna check outher book, the Road of Love
and Hope that will be listed on Amazon.
(42:42):
And then Andrea's book,Spooky Meets a Friend,
will also be listed inthe description as well
for with the Amazon link.
So feel free to go checkthose books out and support.
Linda, of course, if youwould like to connect
with the podcast, our websiteis also in the description.
It brings you to all of ourpast episodes, resources,
social media, all of the good stuff.
(43:02):
Um, we are on Instagram,Facebook, and LinkedIn.
If you'd like to go follow those pages.
There is a also a link in the description
to support the podcast monetarily,
if you are interested in doing that.
And my email is in thedescription as well.
If you would like to reach out
and directly connect with me,
that's the best way to be in touch.
So thank you so much,Linda, for spending time
with me today, and to mylisteners for taking the time out
(43:25):
of your day to hear a new story.
Until next time, bye.
- Thank you. Bye-Bye.
- Hello and welcome to Introducing Me.
I'm your host, Sarah. Istarted this podcast to get
to know other people and lifestyles while
discovering more about myself.
Each episode, I'll givea new guest a chance
to discuss their background,culture, interests,
or whatever they want to talkabout to help increase all
of our own worldviews.
Today, I would like to introduceyou to Linda Henderson.
Nearly a decade after Lindatragically lost her daughter,
(00:38):
she used her journals to author a memoir,
after spending 37 years caring for others,
and as a retired nurse tofurther understand suffering,
Linda has received variouscertificates to give hope
to other bereaved parents.
So I'm excited to hear moreabout Linda today, hear more
of her story and what she'sdoing to connect with others.
So thank you so much, Linda.
(00:59):
Why don't you go ahead and tell
the audience more about yourself.
- Thank you for having me, Sarah.
Um, it's always my pleasureto talk about my daughter
and what I call my lovestory, our love story, um,
because really in the end,that's what it's all about.
Uh, my daughter, uh, Andrea was
(01:19):
my youngest of my two biological children.
We have a blended family,
and she was the baby,as I said, of my two.
Um, Andrea was 27 years old.
Um, she was at the prime in her life.
She was, um, married,had the dream wedding,
(01:39):
fell in love, you know, the princess,
the limo looked gorgeous, all of that.
Um, had a 2-year-old little boy,
and they had purchased a house.
Um, in August of 2011,they watched it get built
and, um, you know, allthe excitement there.
(02:00):
And, um, on December 20th, 2011,
she was killed instantlyin a car accident.
Um, she was pregnant with her second baby,
and that's the story of
how my life was shattered in just moments.
(02:21):
Um, she was
a social worker working withthe youth of our community,
working with girls betweenthe ages of 13 and 18.
And, uh, these girls hadbeen through the foster care
and, um, this was kind of likethe end of the rope for them.
And she was a teacher intheir literacy program
(02:44):
called New Directions.
And so she helped these girlswith their reading levels.
Of course, they were alldifferent ranges depending on
how their, what they hadbeen through in their life.
So, um, that is what she was doing.
And on that day, her andher coworker were out
and they had taken twogirls into the community
(03:06):
teaching them how to begood community citizens.
And they had collected money
and they were gonna adopt a child.
And, um, they were on theirway back to their place
of employment about two blocks away.
They were stopped waiting to turn left.
Um, Andrea was a passenger,her coworker was the driver.
(03:30):
And, uh, they had two girls in the back.
They were driving a smallvehicle when a transport truck
driver hit them.
While he was, um, disdistracted, he was texting
and having an argument withhis girlfriend on the phone,
and he hit them and pushed theminto the southbound traffic
where they were hit yetagain by another car.
(03:52):
And t-boned. So her worker, her coworker
and Andrea were both killed instantly.
And, uh, the two girls inthe back, um, survived.
Um, one was barely, but she survived.
And now today they livewith a lot of trauma
and all the effects that are encountered
(04:16):
with something like that.
Um, we were texting that day.
She was, uh, she wasfortunate to be at a job
where she could text me,
and we had a very close relationship.
And, you know, um, we had been text the,
after the, the accident wasabout 12:30 in the afternoon,
and we'd been texting all morning.
(04:37):
She was telling me shewas, you know, tired
and she should have stayed home.
And just the usual mama daughter talk.
And there were many I love yous as usual.
And then the texting just stopped.
And, um, it took about six hours
before I really knew what had happened,
(04:58):
because what she had doneis she procrastinated
and forgot to change all her ID.
And so when they were lookingfor family members, they went
to her old address.
And so after about sixhours, we, we got the news.
Um, I was of course, you know,
just the anxiety buildingand building and building.
(05:20):
And then when she didn't pickup her little 2-year-old boy
from the paternal grandmother'sbabysitter, then I knew
for sure that, you know,something had happened.
And, um, it's been the last,
this December 20th comingup now will be 13 years.
And, uh, time is interesting,isn't it? It's a passageway.
(05:41):
We just travel through
and then sometimes you just don't even
realize how you got there.
- Yeah, yeah. The time passingfrom then, and, you know,
before we started recording,you acknowledged even just kind
of like this time of year foryou and how that comes about.
So what, you know,
after you learned of this tragedy, um,
(06:05):
what was kind of thetransition in your life to know
Okay, going forward?
Like, I can't, mydaughter's no longer here.
- I think, um, duringthe first three years,
I don't believe that I grieved at all.
I think I just existed, um,because it took three years
(06:29):
before the trucker.
Um, the, the trial had been completed
and, um, this situationwas resolved there.
So in our town, it was avery high profile accident,
and it was on the radio everytime I turned the radio on,
you know, I'd be hearing his name
and hearing, you know, whenthe next court date is.
(06:50):
And, uh, then I alsohad another trial that,
uh, was going on at the time.
Her, her husband, haddecided that we didn't need
to see our 2-year-oldgrandson who I babysat in
between my working all the time.
After about a year of,um, asking permission
and seeing very little of him, we decided
(07:10):
to take him to court.
So we had two trials, two,
two legal things goingon at the same time.
And there was a lot of outsideall that, outside, all the
outside things happening, which
I had complicated prolonged grief.
And, um, they both settled at the same
time, three years later.
(07:31):
So how I got through that, I am not sure.
Um, I did, you know, I have,
I have my husband who's my rock.
In those first early,early weeks to months,
I was heavily medicated.
Um, it was basically him telling me,
when's the last time you showered?
When's the last timeyou brushed your teeth?
(07:52):
It's time to eat lunch. Nowit's time to have supper.
And I was just existingoutside of my body.
My heart was beating, but I wasexisting outside of my body.
And that carried on for, formonths, months and months.
And then I gradually Igot connected with, um,
a support group of bereavedmoms, five or six moms.
(08:14):
In those days, therewere no zoom meetings.
So, um, it, it, it became my, my lifeline
to go, um, every two weeks to that group
and be around like-mindedpeople and feel the support
and that everybody understood,
and that I wasn't alone in my suffering.
(08:34):
And then, you know, thatalong with checking in
with the physician on a regular basis
for adjusting the medication,
and, um, I had a counselor,the same counselor
for nine years, and I saw herregularly based on my needs.
So somehow time gets you through
(08:56):
and, um, hope kind ofjust creeps in, you know,
whether you want it to or not.
I didn't wanna be here. Iwanted to be wherever she was.
Um, but this is
where I am.
- Right. Now
were you still nursingthrough all of this,
or did you decide to retire right away?
(09:20):
- I was 57 years old,
and the plan was, youknow, you're my husband
and I, well, you know, we'regonna work till we're 65.
And, you know, we had all, youhave all your goals set out.
And, uh, no, I, I did not goback to nursing after that.
I was doing community nursing
and, you know, going into people's homes
and, um, taking care of the elderly,
(09:40):
filling up their pill boxes, you know,
blood pressure checks and all that stuff.
And, you know, I did not,I, I lost everything.
I lost my identity,who I was, um, empathy.
I didn't care if Mr.Smith had an infected toe.
Like that was way, way less than something
that I could ever imagine dealing with.
(10:03):
So, no, I never, it, I always say,
people say, oh, you're retired.
And I say, well, at the time,like over the years, no,
it was a forced retirement.
I, um, I just couldn't go back to work.
I could barely function in life.I couldn't even go to work.
I used to joke, yearslater, I would say, well,
I can't even work at Walmart
because I can't be a Walmart greeter
(10:25):
and say, hi, how are you today?
Because I really don't carehow you are today, you know.
- But realizing, you know,putting yourself first
and acknowledging kind of whatyour needs were at the time,
and, you know, now beingable to be retired, um,
and not having to try to fake empathy
(10:47):
for other people, I think is important.
- Mm-Hmm. - So how did
those two court cases end up resolving?
- Well, uh, the one with mygrandson, um, I live in Ontario,
Canada, and the one with mygrandson, um, we were told
by our lawyer, and we hadletters from his lawyer
(11:09):
that there are no grandparent rights.
You are going to lose.You're wasting your money.
You're not, there's notbeen a case like this.
You're not going to win.
And my response was, yes, we will.
And I don't care how much itis, I will remortgage my house.
If I can't see mygrandson, then I will die,
(11:29):
because he was my onlylittle piece of her.
And, uh, we won,
we won far more than weever thought we would.
Um, he was, uh, at the time, five,
I believe, just turned five.
And so we got, we started visitation
with him regularly the firstSaturday of every month
(11:52):
for three hours, the second,
the third Saturday for five hours.
And when he turned six,
that third Saturday became a sleepover.
And then when he turned six, we had him
for three days vacation.
And then after that, um,we've had him every summer
for five days vacation anda sleepover once a month.
I mean, really, itshould be more than that.
(12:13):
The door should be farmore open for grandparents.
But we were really happy to have that.
And, um, he knows that when he comes
and all through theyears, that when he comes,
that is his time to be number one.
It's like, what do you wantfor breakfast today, Tristan?
What are we having for supper tonight?
Because everything was determined on his
(12:34):
desire and his needs.
And, um, today we have abeautiful relationship with him.
And the other one, the trucker,he walked away a free man.
Uh, the prosecution failed.
I really can't remember too many too,
too much of those days.
Those hours in thecourtroom having to leave
(12:54):
and take me to some roomwhere it was completely,
nobody could hear me
and release all my, so many people said,
oh, you know, you don't need to go.
Well, yeah, I do. I I am still her mom
and I need to be here.
So it was pretty treacherous.
But, um, the prosecution,as I said, failed to submit
(13:15):
some paperwork to provethat he was criminally
responsible for the accident.
And so as a result, the judgesaid that, you know, I, I know
that you caused the accident,
but I can't criminally, I can'tfind you criminally guilty.
So he walked out, a freeman, lit up a cigarette
and went on to live his life.
(13:36):
And I'm imprisoned forlife without my daughter.
I never looked to thejudicial system for healing,
because at the end of the day,
I'm not gonna have her anyway.
So it didn't matter if hewent to jail for 10 years,
15 years, one year, it doesn't matter.
But that's how it all went down.
- Yeah. So one court casewent well, one did not.
(14:00):
So. - Yeah.- When you have these visitations
and time spent with your grandson, does
that bring up grief with you,
or are you able to like, enjoy the fact
that he's there, that you havethis piece of your daughter?
(14:21):
- Um, we totally enjoyevery second with him.
Um, and whatever, whatever emotions
or feelings I have are not part of
that time that he's with us.
But when he leaves, it's exhausting.
And, um, it's bittersweet, you know,
(14:43):
especially as he's getting older.
He looks like his mom.
He smiles, he's got his mom's mom's smile.
Um, he has her personality.
He's clever like her, uh, you know,
and you know, some mightsay, well, you know, that
that should bring a smile andthat should warm your heart.
And yes, it does all of those things.
(15:05):
And I speak of him withpride as I do my daughter,
but she's not here toshare all that with him.
So, um, it is bittersweet, you know,
after losing with grief,there is, you know,
with my daughter, I alwayssay there is my life be,
there's always the before and the after.
(15:25):
There was my life before and my life
after, which is now, whichis completely different.
I'm a changed person.I'm not who I was before.
- And so how did thischange in life affect,
you know, your husband, your other child?
How did those things kind of,
(15:48):
because you mentioned howyour husband was like your
rock. Um.
- Yeah, he, um, he's amazing.
You know, it's just, I'mvery fortunate and blessed.
Um, I think, you know, men,
that's a whole different thing, right?
When it comes to grieving,you know, there, you know, he,
(16:11):
he was, he's the caretakercaregiver, right?
And he was really the caregiver with me.
And, um, he, I'm sure he grieved
and he grieved when he was not around me.
And he, he often says to mewhen we talk about it that, um,
him going to work was his distraction.
(16:33):
And it kept him busyand kept his mind occupied.
And then when he came home,I sure kept him occupied.
So he probably didn'thave a lot of hours to
release his feelings and emotions.
And I really, really, um, don't know how,
(16:53):
you know, we haven't reallygone into detail about how
and when did you cry type of thing.
We've spent many timeswhere we cry together.
You know, we sit down at our coffee table
and, you know, havepictures of Andrea there
and my little angelcandles, and we sit down
and we talk about her,
and we both, you know, shed our tears.
(17:14):
But, um, he does everything
that he can possiblythink of to honor her.
You know, if we, um, have a glass of wine,
he takes out the her glasses.
Um, you know, he'llChristmas time, he'll, um,
she loved lemon meringuepies without the meringue,
(17:35):
so he makes lemon meringue pies,
but he used to put justthe lemon pudding part
of the pie in little containers, um,
in the fridge, a few for her.
And he still does that today.
He, he makes just that,
because that's the way Andrea liked it.
So I think he spends, youknow, he, he honors her.
(17:58):
He's, um, an amazing guy.- Great. - That's all I can say.
- Now I mentioned in thebeginning how, you know, you
took your journals anddecided to author a memoir.
So can you talk a little about,a bit about why, you know,
you chose to do this
and how, what that process was even like?
(18:20):
- Well, I, you know, peoplesay things all the time
and several times, you know,in my journey, you know,
I've said, ah, one of thesedays I'm gonna write a book.
Right? And, uh,
because there was justso many things happening
and grief, um, completely, you know, this,
this whole body experienceof grief, I mean,
(18:42):
it affects you mentally,spiritually, physically, you know,
just grief attacked me in the middle
of the night and took my daughter.
And so, um, one of thethings that was therapeutic
for me that I had, you know, learned as a,
as a tool, uh, was walking.
And, um, I like to walk
(19:04):
and gradually build myself up, walking
to 45 minutes, 50 minutes aday where I just go for a walk.
I need to get away,
and I make sure I go to an areawhere it's not residential,
and that's my time when I canscream, yell, argue with God,
talk to Andrea, shed my tears.
(19:26):
And by the time I do all that,
and with the physical exertionof walking, I come home
and I feel better, and I'm ready
to take on the next wave of grief.
And, uh, I came home one day,nine years into my journey
and said to my husband, that is it.
I am starting this book. And I did.
And it took me two years.
And, um, that's how the Road of Love
(19:48):
and Hope was born. Yeah.
- And what, what is kind of likethe synopsis of your book
and like, is it kind
of entirely surroundingyour grief journey,
or is it other parts of your experience?
- Well, um, I knew nothingabout writing a book.
(20:11):
I mean, I just wanted to share my story.
And when I sat down to writemy book, I said, you know, if,
if this comes to pass, um, if I help
one person, one family dealing
with this pure hell, thenI have achieved my goal.
(20:33):
So, um, that was the reasonwhy I, I wrote the book.
I just, after experiencing everything
that I have experienced,I just wanted to, I knew
that I was gonna be ableto help somebody out there,
and that I was gonna be ableto give some inspiration
to somebody out there.
And, um, so I decided that
(20:57):
in the first six months,I'll back it up a bit, I,
I was born and raised in a Christian home,
believed in heaven, and, and felt that
that's where Andrea is.
But I just needed confirmation.
And so I read as many books
as I could about near deathexperiences and about heaven,
and I just wanted, that was what I craved.
And there was one time I got a book
(21:19):
and it was, um, writtenby a neuroscientist
who had experienced anear death experience.
And I thought, oh, I should be able
to understand all themedical jargon in here.
This is no problem. Right?
So I started reading, and
after the first few chapters,
my poor old grief brainsaid, no, you can't.
I, I just couldn't read it.It was far too complicated.
(21:43):
You know, I just craved
and needed somethingthat was relatable to me.
So when I sat down to writemy book, I, I remembered that
and said, I am going towrite it from a brokenhearted
mama's perspective as though I'm sitting
and talking to one person
who has just lost theirchild, their loved one.
(22:04):
And, you know, this is,this is how you feel.
You're, you know, sobasically in the beginning,
I talk about grief, what itdoes to you, how you feel,
you're not losing your mind,you know, um, just all of,
all of the information about grief.
Grief is an umbrella.
(22:26):
And, you know, we deal withpeople that are grieving, deal
with depression, anxiety, anger, fears,
um, all of those things.
And so I just kind of go intothose areas, um, a little bit
to explain about themand relate them to grief
and make people understand
(22:46):
that you're experiencingthese things, right?
This is, and it's normal.
I just wanted to, because Ifelt like I was going crazy.
I felt like there'ssomething wrong with me.
I even said to my husbandone time, I don't know
what brain damage feels like,
but I feel like my brain,there's something wrong.
Of course, now we know that, you know,
the neurotransmitters areall messed up in your brain,
(23:09):
and there's so many things going on,
but I didn't know that at thetime, so I wanted to explain
to the reader that You're okay,
you're normal, and this is why.
And then I just startedtalking about how I started
to let hope, um, come into my life
and all the things I didto honor and love Andrea.
(23:31):
- And so you joined this grief circle,
like you had some peopleyou were connecting
with pre zoom days.
Um, how are you connectingwith other folks
who are on similar journeys nowadays?
- Oh, now, since I've written my book,
I'm on a journey of self-discovery.
(23:51):
I've found my new purpose,
and I am just grieving now
after all of these years.
I feel that I'm grieving healthily
and I'm connected with,um, so many bereaved.
I started out connecting with bereaved
with groups on Facebook andconnecting with these moms,
(24:14):
and now I'm friends with so many of them,
and I attend, uh, zoommeetings twice a week.
And, um, it's just such a network of,
of Berea, a bereaved communitythat I'm part of now that is
that I'm reaching out
and helping others,and they're helping me.
(24:38):
- And what do you see,you know, for your future?
And obviously isn't somethinglike where you are now is not
where you thought youwould be 20 years ago, um,
but what do you hope forthe future as it lays now?
(24:59):
- Well, I'm just going tocontinue doing what I'm doing, um,
promoting my book, um, tryingto reach as many people
as I possibly can, you know, um,
and give the message ofhope and, um, to inspire
(25:19):
and empower that no matter
what the situation you're living with you,
you can deal with it.
And you, you can,
you can come out a betterperson because of it.
Right now, I'm living thebest version of me possible.
And, um, I will continue to do that
(25:41):
and continue to just reachout and help other people.
I'm looking into, you know,I'm doing all sorts of things.
I've, um, written a couple of articles
that are published insome online magazines.
I am, um, probably going tobe speaking at some local,
um, churches in the area for grief groups.
(26:03):
Just, I see myself continuing with that,
because I'm not gonna stoptalking about my story.
I'm not gonna stop talkingabout Andrea, she's my daughter.
And, um, everybody talks abouttheir children that are here.
Why can't I still talk about her? Right.
- A hundred percent. Completelyunderstandable.
You know, I think it's oneof those, if you have kids,
(26:24):
it's kind of one of thefirst opening questions
that someone will ask juston like, oh, how's it going?
How are the kids? Or,
for you to have thatchance to, to still be able
to do that is,
is definitely important.
- Of course, of course. Goingto my book signings, I go
to the local bookstoresand sit there for two
(26:44):
or three hours, and I havemy display, my display of
Andrea's picture, my books.
I also published a book thatshe wrote in high school,
and it was a projectshe had to write a book,
a storybook, uh, for children.
And I had that published,
and that's called Spooky Meets a Friend.
So I also have that on display,
(27:05):
and, you know, her pictures there.
So I, I get to talk about my book,
our journey, our love story.
I get to talk about herand how wonderful she was,
and look at how talented she was.
She wrote a book,
and that's what I'm gonnacontinue to do.
- Mm-Hmm. Could you seeyourself writing another book
(27:27):
to kind of expand on some
of these themes and just share more?
Or do you think like you did the one book
and you'll just kind of continue
to promote the message in other ways?
- Um, I will continue
to promote the message inevery way that I've been doing.
And whatever open door,whatever door opens,
(27:48):
I will walk in if it'sa door of opportunity.
And yes, I am planning onworking on another book
continuation from this one.
- Okay. Very nice. So, you know,kind of taking it from,
you know, you're here to helpinspire, you're here to kind
of bring this message of hope.
(28:11):
Um, for someone who is grieving,
what would you say isthe most important thing
for them to hear?
- Well through all of this.
Um, I mean, there's a lot that I can say.
First of all, um, I will say that, um,
grief is hard work.
(28:32):
Grief is very ugly.
It's messy and destructive
and unpredictable, and youhave to work through it.
In order to see the lightthrough the forest, you have
to walk through the forestand you have to work at it.
And it's hard work. Sothat work being, you have
(28:54):
to shed those tears.
You have to cry, and youhave to cry without guilt.
And that is so important that you have
to work through the grief.
Um, a motto that I have kind of found
for myself through these years is,
and I've been just, you know,in these next few months,
(29:17):
couple of months, nextmonth now will be 13 years.
And I have to keep telling myself
and reminding myself,you need to, you need
to practice your words, Linda, right?
And that is embrace themoments, you know, we need
to embrace the moments of life,
and whatever that looks likefor you, you know, if it's
for a person who's just newly grieving,
(29:40):
you embrace those momentswhere if you've had a day
and you've cried, and you canactually sit and have a coffee
or a tea and breathe easier,you embrace those moments
because that is life coming back in.
That is, and you willallow life to come back in
by embracing those moments.
You know, for me, I embraceevery moment when I go
(30:00):
for a walk, if I see weedsthat are flowering, it's like,
oh my gosh, they're beautiful.
And I take pictures.I embrace every moment
because if there's one thingthat grief has taught me, uh,
grief has taught me thattomorrow may not come,
this afternoon, may not come.
You know, life is precious,
(30:22):
and we need to embraceevery moment of life,
and we need to cherish thememories, cherish the memories
that we have with our lovedones, and create more.
Because at the end of theday, that's all you have.
That's all, that's allyou have from your past
with your loved one.
And, you know, youcherish the memories now
(30:43):
because one day you'regonna need those memories,
and they may make you crynow and make you shed tears,
but they will warm your heart.
And by doing all of that, youwill create hope for tomorrow.
And we all need hope thatthings will get better.
- We definitely do need some hope.
And I think this mantra ofembracing the moment can
(31:06):
be really, you know, tangiblein so many ways for people,
whether they're on grief journeyor not, to really focus in.
- Absolutely. Absolutely.
It's, it's, you know, it's something
that everybody should do.
And, you know, life getsbusy and people don't do it.
But, um, it's certainlytaught me that that is exactly
(31:30):
what I have to do, right?
I embrace and treasure a treasure life
because life is a gift.
I remember many years ago, um,
a pastor telling me, you know,your, your faith is crushed.
Everything is crushed. You know,you have to start all over,
build up from ground zero.
(31:50):
And pastor told me, youknow, life is a gift.
You know, Andrea was a gift,
and, you know, you weren'tguaranteed to have her forever.
And I'm like, what? Iremember when he told me that.
I'm like, yeah, you know, the anger.
And I'm like, you don't knowwhat you're talking about.
You're crazy. And now, fast forward,
(32:10):
it is so true.
Life is a gift and so treasure it.
- Yes. Now, obviously, thisgrief is very insurmountable,
you know, as the years come, go past
and learning to livewith all of that, prior
to Andrea's passing, hadyou experienced any sort
(32:33):
of, I don't wanna say like major grief,
but beyond just like minorgrief that you could have
in any way been somewhatprepared to handle this
much larger grief?
- Absolutely nothing.
Nothing could prepare you forthe loss of a child. Nothing.
(32:54):
Um, I had nursed for 37 years.
I had experienced death.
I had been there holding thehand of somebody passing on,
holding the hands of family members.
But at the end of the day, I could go home
and I could say, thank God that wasn't me.
Um, I lost my mother
(33:16):
before I lost Andrea and her
and I had a relationship thatwas beyond, beyond, you know,
uh, I loved her dearly,
and I thought that wasgoing to kill me now.
And I've lost my 88-year-oldfather four years ago since
Andrea and all of those, those, you know,
(33:37):
Andrea, my mother, my father, you know,
grief is grief. Pain
is pain. Um, but they'realso totally different.
But I can say from myexperience, the depths of loss,
the depth of pain with Andrea.
It crushed me and almost killed me.
(33:57):
I didn't wanna be here, andI had suicidal ideations,
and thankfully I didn't.
But that's how profound it is.
Nothing, nothing couldhave prepared me for this.
- Of course not. No. Imean, it's, you know, one
of the largest tragedies someone can
(34:19):
individually experience.
Um, uh, the reason I askedwas purely kind of that,
you know, was there any baseline?
Um, I think everyone experiences grief
in such different ways.
Um. - Absolutely. Mm-Hmm.
- And, and some people have
to unfortunately experienceit more than others.
(34:41):
Um, so to kind of hear youon this other side of it,
you know, kind ofexperience, you know,
these message of hope.
Um, and, and looking tohow can you inspire and,
and connect with others.
I think, you know, to hear
how far you've come isis just really important
to acknowledge like all ofthe work that you've done.
(35:05):
- Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm. Oh, it's a lot of work.
Daily and still is. I, I struggle now.
I struggle a lot of those things
that you deal with in grief.
Um, like I said, you'renever the same person.
Some of those changesthat happen are permanent.
Some of them are temporary,
but some of the permanent ones, um,
(35:27):
become lifelong mental illnessesfor me, like depression,
anxiety, and anger.
You know, those are thingsI deal with every day.
And now going into December months, um,
I deal with them every day.
The thing with grief is that it,
and time, time as a teacher, um,
time doesn't heal the wounds.
Time doesn't heal any,any pain, but it teaches.
(35:51):
And as time passes by you,you encounter those waves
of grief and you godown that big dark hole,
but you've learned how to climb out.
That's all I can say about that .
So I struggle and still tryto, um, let myself go to bed
for the day if I need to, youknow, if that's what I have
to do, and then the nextday deal with it again.
(36:14):
- Right? Yes.
Learning how to climb out,figuring out what you need to do,
do, and giving yourself that space.
You mentioned how going on walkshave been very therapeutic.
What other ways do you find yourself, um,
best managing grief?
(36:35):
- Right now
I think, um, the walking is a big thing.
Um, just, you know, the, the,the self-care of recognizing
that, you know what,today is not a good day.
The pain, um, I'm missing her so much.
I'm starting to go downthat slippery slope.
So allowing myself to feel
(36:58):
and make space for that grief.
And so then if I have togo to bed, like I said,
then I will, you know, um, orif I'm invited out somewhere
and I can't make it, then Ijust say that I can't come
and I don't have to give a reason
and I don't have to be,you know, apologetic
(37:19):
and I don't have to feel guilty.
So it's called taking care of me
in those ways, like settingboundaries, especially coming
with the Christmas season,you know, if, if I, if it's,
if it's, uh, December 16th
and I'm telling you now I'mcoming for, you know, yes,
I can come for dinner, but it'sDecember 16th at nine in the
(37:40):
morning and I can't come,hello, I'm not coming.
And heaven help the personthat doesn't understand
that, you know?
- Yeah. - Um, so I just take care of myself.
I, I recognize and acknowledge that grief
and love cohabitate in my heart,
and I just have to live my life
(38:03):
accordingly, as long as thegrief does not control me.
So my walks are a big thing.
I don't have counseling anymore,
but my husband is my sounding board.
And when I need to talk,you know, everybody needs,
I would say someone to talk to someone.
Some, a support network,whether it's a network
or one person, everybody needsthat support system there.
(38:27):
- Yes. Finding. Finding support.
Um, definitely paramount.
Um, and all that facets of life,
but definitely when livingwith longstanding grief.
- Mm-Hmm. Yeah. It's forever.
Love is forever. Grief is forever.
- Yes. Yeah. So you, as, asyou've shared your story today,
(38:49):
that is rung true and, andcome through very much.
Um, I appreciate yousharing about everything.
You know, you've beenthrough everything you know
about Andrea's life.
Before I start to wrap thingsup, is there anything else
that you want to makesure the listeners hear?
(39:10):
- Basically, I, I think, you know,
when I said my mottothere, embrace the moments,
cherish the memoriesand hope for tomorrow.
I mean, that, that to meis so, those words are
so valuable, and I try tolive by those words daily.
And I think, you know, if,like I said, if people do that,
(39:31):
if everyone does that,then you are creating hope
for yourself, even though youdon't sometimes feel like it.
If you're grieving and you'refeeling so low, if you try
to just do those things,you're letting life in
and creating hope for yourself.
- Yes. Creating hope for yourself.
What a great place tobe wrapping things up.
(39:53):
Now, I do ask all my guestsa random question at the end
that doesn't have to do withwhat we've been talking about.
So I, I wanna go back to your childhood
and ask you, what was yourfavorite toy growing up?
- Oh my goodness. Youknow, I am going to be
(40:15):
70 years old December 28th,
and I don't have a lot
of memories of toys.
We, um, didn't have a lot of money,
but we were a happy, stable family.
But I do remember,
(40:36):
and I talk about thisone toy so many times
to my family members, andI've told my kids about it,
and I actually had this doll up until,
I don't know, maybe, maybe 10 years ago.
Um, we didn't have much money.
And I remember, I don'tremember how I got the toy,
(40:59):
but I know my father told methat we were, uh, very involved
with the church and we wentto the, the Salvation Army.
A lot of people think of it asan organization to help out,
but it's an actual churchlike Pentecostal Baptist.
And so we went to church quite often.
And so the Salvation Army, this,
I guess they helped usout with Christmases.
(41:19):
And, um, so I've got this little doll,
I must have been about four,
five, I still remember.
And I got this little doll,
and it was a black baby doll,
and she had like thethick, black, curly hair,
(41:39):
and she had a prettylittle pink satin dress.
And I absolutely adored that doll.
And I, like I said, had herup until about 10 years ago.
And I'm not sure what happened after that,
but that was my, I wouldsay my favorite toy.
And it's from like when Iwas four or five years old.
(42:00):
So it must have left a great impact on me.
And how beautiful is that, right?
To have a little black doll
and for a child growingup didn't matter to me.
It was, you know, a beautifulbaby and I cared for it,
and I played with it.
(42:20):
It was very special.
- All right, that bringsthis episode to a close.
So I will be leaving links to the books
that Linda has mentionedin the description.
So if you wanna check outher book, the Road of Love
and Hope that will be listed on Amazon.
(42:42):
And then Andrea's book,Spooky Meets a Friend,
will also be listed inthe description as well
for with the Amazon link.
So feel free to go checkthose books out and support.
Linda, of course, if youwould like to connect
with the podcast, our websiteis also in the description.
It brings you to all of ourpast episodes, resources,
social media, all of the good stuff.
(43:02):
Um, we are on Instagram,Facebook, and LinkedIn.
If you'd like to go follow those pages.
There is a also a link in the description
to support the podcast monetarily,
if you are interested in doing that.
And my email is in thedescription as well.
If you would like to reach out
and directly connect with me,
that's the best way to be in touch.
So thank you so much,Linda, for spending time
with me today, and to mylisteners for taking the time out
(43:25):
of your day to hear a new story.
Until next time, bye.
- Thank you. Bye-Bye.
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