July 6, 2025 • 29 mins
The "men need to do their work" narrative pervading dating advice creates separation and judgment rather than fostering healing connections. This way of thinking prevents us from seeing how our romantic partners serve as mirrors reflecting our own healing journey.
• Changing our perspective from "they need to do their work" to "what is this reflecting in me?"
• Using relationships as opportunities for personal healing and growth
• Recognizing we attract partners at our actual level of healing, not our idealized self-image
• Understanding that healing comes through love, not judgment
• Appreciating that we're all healing different aspects of ourselves at different paces
• Finding courage to stay curious when triggered instead of dismissing others
• Transforming relationships through grace and allowance rather than expectations
• Acknowledging that being alive is spiritual work—everyone is doing their work.
I'm also thrilled to announce my upcoming Heart Healing and Rewiring workshop on July 20th. This 90-minute online event will be limited to 20 participants where we'll work collectively to clear trauma, remove blocks, and create new possibilities through guided meditation and energy work. The heart communicates more to the brain than vice versa, making heart healing the foundation for lasting transformation. Register through the link in the show notes to secure your spot!
Heart Healing & Rewiring - JOIN US TODAY!
Looking for confirmation, guidance, or support in an area of life where you feel stuck, stagnant, or simply unclear of what to do next? Let's connect: book a complimentary Discovery Session with me, today!
Book a 30-min Discovery Session Here
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
A statement I continue to hear, and it causes
every hair on the back of myneck to raise, is men, you got
to do your work.
I'm hearing this a lot in therealm of dating, romance and
relationships, and I want tochallenge this thought this week
, as it's something that reallyhas me thinking.
Are we truly empowering love inthe realm of relationships and
(00:22):
romance, or are we creating anew layer of separation, a new
layer of divide, a new layer ofsuperiority, a new layer of?
Hey, I'm going to let myselfoff the hook and not take
responsibility for my ownhealing.
Let's unpack this and I'm goingto challenge this narrative.
Let's get started.
(00:43):
Welcome back to the IntuitiveMentor Mom podcast, where we
explore strategies forpracticing more self-love,
gratitude and finding new waysto empower ourselves in this
ever-changing healing adventureof life happening for us.
I'm your host, tara, michelle.
Let's get started.
So many women here in Americaand I'll say America because I
(01:06):
can't speak globally for theworld, but many women here
continually say men need to dothe work.
Men need to do the work.
They need to do their work.
I hear it on Instagram, I hearit on Facebook.
There's all these memes,there's reels, all this stuff
about men not doing their work,and there's even empowerment
(01:29):
coaches out there claiming towant to empower you when it
comes to dating andrelationships.
Yet empower you from thiscontext and to me this context
has, it has like an element ofanger, bitterness.
Me this context has, it haslike an element of anger,
bitterness.
It also sounds like it comesfrom a space of unhealed parts
(01:49):
of their own heart, and I knoweverything I'm about to share
today.
I want you to make no mistakethat I, too, am looking at
myself when I share all of this,and I'm looking at you.
Know what is this reflectingfor myself?
Because it triggers me, becauseI see it as a form of
(02:11):
separation, I see it as a formof hate and I see it as mean.
I really do feel it's mean.
So I, as you all know, those ofyou listening and those of you
that are new, thank you so muchfor joining us.
This podcast is all about howlife is happening for you, and
we talk about various thingshappening in the world and my
own life experiences and thingsof that nature.
(02:32):
But, as I like to share, youknow that, coming from life, is
happening to you as in, you'rethe victim.
And again, hear me out.
(02:56):
Some of you may already feel alittle annoyed or triggered by
some of the things I've said,but I just want you to consider
like, go ahead and try this onfor your entire life, or not
your entire life.
Let me take that back.
Try this on for all areas ofyour life.
If you might be in a marriageokay, or you might be in a
committed relationship and youmight think in your mind he
(03:17):
needs to do his work, okay.
Well, consider, you do too.
We all do, okay, and we'redoing this together, and I want
everyone listening to thisconversation to try this on in
all areas of your life, becauseit may be showing up in areas of
friendships or career orwhatever it's relationships okay
(03:38):
, and often everyone's talkingabout you need to do your work.
We're all here doing our work.
Okay, we're all doing the work.
But I'm going to challenge thisthought today.
So what if that man that isshowing up in his not so worked
on self and you can define thathowever you see fit in your
(03:59):
situation what if we flip thescript?
That man?
He's simply showing up as areflection of how far you've
grown.
What if he's a reflection ofwhere you're at, or maybe he's
showing up, reflecting to youareas of your heart still
(04:21):
unhealed, your heart stillunhealed.
And so what is it that even hasus say men are not doing their
work?
I'm really curious, like whathas us say that?
(04:41):
Who decided that was going tobe the new narrative?
Because, how I see it, the puresimple fact that he's living on
this planet, any human being,honestly means they're doing
their work.
Being alive on planet earth isa spiritual job.
It's spiritual work.
It takes something to be here,it takes something to stay here
(05:02):
and it takes something to enjoyhere something to stay here and
it takes something to enjoy here.
So for us to diminish anyone bysaying they need to do their
work and I'm also going to add Ihave said that statement, I
have totally said those words,and I'm eating them right now
because I began to look at whatdoes that really freaking mean
(05:22):
when we say they need to dotheir work?
You know I'm going to say thatthat's when we need to do our
work, so I'm going to continueon here.
If you are a man or a womanaligning with this notion that
someone out there outside of youneeds to do the work, what if
(05:45):
they're simply showing up whereyou have work left to be done,
because, remember, we attractexactly where we're at, and
maybe all that is showing up isa reflection of your old
thinking.
It could be a reflection ofyour old alignments.
It can be a reflection of yourold alignments.
(06:05):
It can be a reflection of yourold paradigms.
I mean, really, have youconsidered that?
You know, if you are yourselfin this new way of thinking,
right, if you're in this newspace, you've done a lot of work
and you're like, ready, gung-ho, I'm going to go out into the
world, take all these new toolsthat I have and I'm going to
(06:25):
implement them into my life,right, and then you begin to see
these people showing up, butyou're like, well, how come
they're not where I'm at?
Well, consider the vortex ofenergy, right?
Any of you guys rememberAbraham Hicks the vortex of
energy.
So when you have that seed ofthought, right, this new thought
(06:46):
of this new version of who I amand this new version of who I'd
like to see myself attract,remember, there's a gap there.
Okay, so I don't want to getsidetracked, because that's a
whole separate conversation, butI wanted to add that because
it's something important toconsider.
Remember, we attract what wethink where we're at.
(07:08):
So what is it?
The work?
Okay, what work for you is leftto be done If a man shows up in
a dating situation that is lessthan desirable to you?
And guys, if you're listening tothis you can put whatever
actually men or women, I don'tcare who you put in that
(07:30):
placeholder, just talk romanticrelationships.
But I'm using this contextbecause it's what I see a lot of
out on Instagram and out therein the social media world is all
these women like bitching andmoaning about men need to do
their work.
Okay, and it's very annoying tome because I think it's so mean
, but anyhow, put whoever youneed to put in this place.
So, if that person shows up ina dating situation that is less
(07:54):
than desirable to you, can youallow them grace and just be
curious from like, where arethey coming from?
Where's he coming from?
What's his past?
What's his pain?
What has his journey been?
Who is that person?
(08:15):
And why is it that I'm seeinghim, that he's not done his work
?
I don't know anything about him, right?
Can you step into his shoes andrelate and then reflect onto
yourself and ask why is thisexperience happening for me.
(08:37):
What am I being shown in thisreflection happening for me?
What am I being shown in thisreflection and what expectations
for the outcome are youreflecting when you operate from
the context of he needs to dohis work?
What expectations for anoutcome?
(09:02):
Because that's what you'rehoping for and, as a reminder,
food for thought, expectationslead to upset.
So what I'm also going to say isthis does not mean you need to
move forward with every man youencounter or every person you
encounter, and it does not givethem a free hall pass when
disrespect or dishonor ishappening.
(09:24):
I'm simply pointing out why dowe make people monsters or we
make men monsters when ourtimeline of that need to quote
unquote be in a relationship,feels thwarted by the process
and the journey of dating to acommitted relationship?
(09:46):
Do you get what I'm saying?
Like I feel what I started torecognize as I was processing
all this and recognizing evenfor myself, is that, women, we
have this timeline.
We have like this you knowwe've been dating for X amount
of months or we're dating for Xamount of years and so it should
be this way, we should be inthis place, right, and so when
(10:11):
our timeline is thwarted by,maybe, where somebody isn't at
yet or not showing up the way wewant them to yet Remember, I'm
saying the way we want them toand not really allowing them to
just show up as who they are.
But when we get in our way andwe feel that that process or
(10:34):
that journey is thwarted, webegin to point outside and say,
oh, they need to do their work,or da-da-da-da, it's out there.
We begin to point outside andsay, oh, they need to do their
work, or da da, da da, it's outthere, it's out there, it's out
there.
Rather than create thisnarrative that he or she is less
than or beneath us because webelieve they haven't done their
work.
(10:56):
What if that person is just asmuch your equal, simply healing
in other parts of their lifethat are not yet matching the
areas in which you've alreadyhealed?
What if?
And what that brings up is howdivine the connection actually
(11:20):
is, as in what can you eachoffer each other in the journey
of healing through love andcuriosity?
A dear friend of mine reachedout to me today and we were
talking about this subject andshe was talking about how, when
talking with her therapist youknow her therapist had mentioned
(11:40):
.
You know, healing comes throughlove.
Healing comes through love.
So these relationships that weget ourselves into, the healing
is in those journeys.
Yes, there's healing whenyou're single and alone, but
also, like you do that, healingwhen you're alone.
And guess what?
(12:01):
You take those tools once youget into a loving, romantic
situation and the rubber meetsthe road.
Right, that's when the rubbermeets the road.
I'm in a current situation,right now that you know I have
met somebody and there arethings coming up and I don't
necessarily look at it from likehe needs to do his work.
(12:25):
I look at it from what's comingup for me that I'm feeling woo,
this is like scary.
But he also has things comingup for him that are scary and
together we're navigating thatthrough communication and I'm
not seeing him as a monster.
I have to really process what'scoming up for me in these
(12:47):
moments, as does he, andtogether we're growing.
Now, whether or not we continuethe relationship, that's yet to
be discovered, but at themoment it's an exploration.
Right, it's an exploration.
I want to share a little bitabout my experience with dating,
(13:08):
because I have been dating along time and I have really
grown in the area of dating andthat's the one thing I love
about online dating is theavailability for yourself to
grow.
You get to find out who youreally are, what you really
desire, what you don't want.
You find out who you are reallyemotionally and spiritually.
(13:30):
You learn to build betterboundaries, and you also will
meet so many incredible peoplealong the way as well, as you'll
meet some very interestingpeople that you're like
incredible people along the wayas well, as you'll meet some
very interesting people thatyou're like that's an
interesting person, you know,because it's it's a journey, and
I I could say too that I've meta lot of amazing people and I,
(13:57):
at one point, would say a lotthat, oh, that person hasn't
done their work.
Yeah, I've said it.
I've also said that the appswere full of serial daters.
I've also said that men on theapps are a mess.
I've also said that men my age,my age bracket aren't ready for
something real.
I've also said that the datingapps have made dating disposable
.
I've said so many things myselfwhen I have been discouraged
(14:20):
and fed up with the journey, andI've also said that I'm
resigned.
I've said that I havecompassion fatigue.
I've also said I'm never goingto go on those dating apps again
.
I've said all those things andthat's why this narrative that
keeps coming up is veryinteresting, because initially,
(14:41):
when I would hear it, itwouldn't really bother me, but
lately, like in the last year,it's been really bothering me,
because I'm like why are wemaking men the enemy?
This is a journey.
And then I had to start lookingat all of the words that were
coming out of my mouth, all ofthe words that were coming out
(15:03):
of my mouth.
As a matter of fact, as I wasrecording this, I had a dear
friend call me, and he'ssomebody who I met on the apps
and we're really good friendsand there's so much love between
the two of us Like we have anincredible friendship that
throughout the last severalyears of us knowing each other,
(15:23):
it's had its ebbs and its flowsof how would I say?
It's gone through severalphases, from first dating to
then not dating, to then dating,then not dating, but then to
finally find our place asfriends.
And what am I going to sayabout that?
(15:50):
The one example I'd love to usefrom that particular
relationship is that when Iwould talk to some of my friends
about the experiences I wentthrough with him.
They would talk about how hewasn't doing his work, when in
fact he very much was doing hiswork, and so was I, but it goes
back to that point of the workhe was working on was areas I
(16:15):
had already been healed, and thework I was having to work on
were areas that I wasn't healedand, as a result, he became one
of my greatest teachers, and heit's not even him per se.
It's the experience that we hadallowed me to really move
(16:43):
through a lot of unhealedaspects of my anxious attachment
.
That's what it was, and I hadto really look at myself on so
many levels.
And the beauty is is that thetwo of us have always held space
for one another and we keepshowing up for one another and
(17:07):
our new, our new um, the newphase we're in is friendship and
we're now able to talk aboutthis past that we had, of this
back and forth, and you know theanxious, avoidant detachment,
because that's really whatbrought us together.
And I look at us now and I cansay that was a healing journey,
(17:28):
and many of you that havefollowed me for a while, healing
adventures is what I claim inthis life Like.
It's a healing adventure.
It's a healing journey.
You know, every aspect of yourlife is this beautiful adventure
to be unfolded and discovered.
And so I'm, I feel honored tohave the kind of journey I've
(17:49):
had with this man and to nowlook at him and just be like,
wow, look at who we are today,look where we are now, and it no
words to express the connectionthat there is with this person
and I.
There's no words to express it.
(18:09):
There's love, it's just love.
Just love is present, just love.
That's it.
There's love, there's so muchlove, present, so much, and it's
beautiful, right?
(18:46):
You know, I was also talkingwith a dear friend today that
they were talking with becausethese are about the autistic
savants and the children theywere talking with.
This child was saying how hewishes everybody spoke
(19:06):
telepathically because he feltthat words were so limiting.
And they are.
Words become this construct oflimitation, right, and in the
telepathic world, and telepathyhas been coming online for me a
little bit.
I can't do it on command, butit's been happening and, as you
know, many of you might know,I'm very intuitive, so I have
(19:29):
lots of gifts, but that's onethat's been coming online for me
.
There's no words to express theexpression or the energy of
love, like love, love.
If we could tune in to thatfeeling, that limitless space of
(19:49):
love on the planet, like God,if everybody tuned into that,
like one minute a day, it would,it would change.
It would change the world, itwould change the world.
But what I was, what I waswanting to really point out is I
was asking my friend, my dearfriend, who has watched the
(20:10):
journey of me and this otherfriend, you know, I was asking
her like huh, what was it thatallowed me to get to where I am
today in that relationship?
And it's courage.
It's courage, the courage tohold space, the courage to be
(20:31):
curious, the courage to not shutsomebody out simply because
you're both moving throughdifferent places in your life,
and the courage to be open andjust love with no judgment.
I'm not saying I didn't havejudgment.
(20:52):
When I moved through thevarious spaces of healing my
attachments through thatrelationship Absolutely had
judgments, absolutely hadbreakdowns, absolutely had all
the range of emotions, and everytime I would be triggered into
whatever state it was.
I had to keep pointing thatfinger back at me and look at my
(21:13):
own behaviors, my own actions,my own triggers, my heart, what
was happening within me and thattakes courage, because those
spaces are so uncomfortable, souncomfortable, and so when it
gets right down to it, you knowyou really have to stop, take
(21:38):
stock and look at yourself andreflect with every interaction,
why is that happening for you?
Why is that happening for you?
And then you begin to see howthese people are simply showing
(22:00):
up for your own growth in yourown journey, and some of them
meeting you in ways while othersnot meeting you in other ways.
That's fine, and really, somemen that I've met I haven't been
where they were emotionally andthey called me forth to grow,
while I called others forth togrow.
Right, and so it's.
(22:23):
It's this beautiful thing, it's, you know, I, I don't know, I
don't.
What I want to say is I want tochallenge those that believe
this notion that that personacross from you needs to do
their work.
And I'm not saying they maybedon't, maybe they do, but
(22:44):
remember, they're showing up asa contrast to where you've come,
to where you've grown, to whoyou've become, and what is it
that you can provide them?
Why do we have to just turn itoff and walk away with spit and
venom and say you have to doyour work, instead of just
(23:07):
saying you know what, we're notin the same place.
I honor where you are and Ilove who I am and I honor and
love the space you're at and Ican disconnect.
You know and I'm not sayingthat those are the words you use
with them, right, some peoplewould be like what the fuck?
That's weird.
(23:27):
But you know, what I'm saying isthat you look at the situation
and you really get down to thenuts and bolts of is this a
relationship I want to exploremore of?
Is there enough good componentshere where these pieces that
might be feeling uncomfortableare worth working through?
If not, then you set thesepeople free, you and them, in
(23:51):
honor and love and graciousness.
But if it is worth going in anddiving in and seeing what's
there, then it's worth it.
Right, it's worth it.
And it isn't so much about thatperson needing to do their work
.
It's about where am I, whereare they?
What are we reflecting to oneanother?
(24:12):
What areas can I work on?
And you know it really is abouteach individual person doing
their work, and when you do yourwork, the world will begin to
reflect that work, if it's notreflecting it today, I want you
to remember the vortex of energy.
You have to build up thatmomentum to then start having
(24:36):
those people show up inside ofwhere you really are.
And just remember that thosethat are no longer where you're
at, you can sift through them,you can sort through them, you
can move past them and say, okay, you know what?
I'm actually not where they areanymore, I'm not there.
It isn't about they're notthere, it isn't about they need
to meet you, it's about I'm notthere anymore.
(24:59):
I actually used to be there, Iused to be right where they are.
Wow, I've really grown.
Look how far I've come.
Holy holy, like holy cow.
That's what I want to challenge.
Turn off that narrative thatit's something wrong with them
(25:19):
and turn on the narrative that,hey, thank you so much for
showing me where I've grown,where I haven't grown, how far
I've come and maybe how muchfurther I have to go, because
I'm going to say any person whosays that comment of they need
to show up where I am.
That's a cue for you torecognize.
You have work to do, becauseyou can't provide love and grace
(25:41):
for where that person is, andso the work that needs to be
done for you is how do you findlove and grace with the world
outside that just feels chaoticand so filled with hate?
Like, don't become that hate,don't become that.
Okay, I feel like I'm on asoapbox, so I'm going to stop
and, just, you know, allow someof the things I've said to just
(26:07):
sink in.
I, I'm curious, had to justsink in.
I'm curious.
Those of you who understand thenarrative, or those of you who
are aware of the narrative thatI'm talking about, I would love
to hear your feedback.
I would love, for those of youwho are listening, what has this
(26:27):
provided you?
Was it good food for thought?
What has this provided you?
Was it good food for thought?
What will you now consider whenyou're out there listening to
some of these narratives onsocial media?
Remember to always ask yourselfwhy is this happening?
For me, there's always going tobe a trend in these narratives
on social media.
(26:49):
I went through a big trend ofnarcissist, sociopathic things
all the time.
You know.
Now it's the, you know, menneed to do their work and all
this shit.
You know, and it's always,there's always some algorithm of
a narrative and I always set.
I step back and ask myselfthat's interesting, what's
really happening here?
What's really being said here?
(27:10):
Who do I need to be if thisnarrative keeps showing up?
Is it something?
Am I that narrative or what amI to learn in that space?
So that's what I invite all ofyou just to take stock and be
curious about other people.
Be curious about where they are.
Give them grace Because, hey,when you're not where somebody
(27:32):
is, you hope to God they giveyou grace.
Right, it's grace and allowance.
It really is Like.
Let's allow people to be andlet's step into the space of
love.
I also want to remind you realquick on July 20th I have a 90
minute heart healing workshop.
It will be on Zoom.
(27:53):
I will put the links belowAgain, and to those of you
listening, especially if you'resingle, this is a great
opportunity to come, to just bein the space of love and to
really dive deep and look atwhat are the blocks standing in
my way from allowing my heart toreally be its full expression
(28:17):
of self, its full expression oflove.
You know you want to have anamazing relationship, or you
want to have a shift inside ofthe dating realm, or a shift in
your romantic relationships, ora shift in just relationships in
general, in your romanticrelationships or a shift in just
relationships in general.
This is a great opportunitybecause we are going to dive in,
we're going to clear someblocks, we're going to clear
(28:39):
familial lineages and paradigms,we're going to clear old
conversations and we're going toreset, reboot and reset, reboot
the heart such that you can goout and create this new shift in
this new paradigm of feeling,thinking, being, all those
(28:59):
things.
So I will put the link below inthe show notes.
I just want to thank all of youfor sticking out this
conversation with me.
I look forward to hearing fromthose of you.
If you liked what you heard onthis show or you feel that you
know somebody who needs to hearthis, please do share it.
Like it, it helps the show move.
(29:21):
I look forward to seeing you inthe next episode and have a
beautiful and blessed day.
Thank you for coming on thishealing adventure today.
If you're starting to see howeverything is falling into place
for you, consider rating theshow and sharing it with one of
your friends.
Keep that spirit alive and joinme next week.
Same place, same time.
Have a great week.
A statement I continue to hear, and it causes
every hair on the back of myneck to raise, is men, you got
to do your work.
I'm hearing this a lot in therealm of dating, romance and
relationships, and I want tochallenge this thought this week
, as it's something that reallyhas me thinking.
Are we truly empowering love inthe realm of relationships and
(00:22):
romance, or are we creating anew layer of separation, a new
layer of divide, a new layer ofsuperiority, a new layer of?
Hey, I'm going to let myselfoff the hook and not take
responsibility for my ownhealing.
Let's unpack this and I'm goingto challenge this narrative.
Let's get started.
(00:43):
Welcome back to the IntuitiveMentor Mom podcast, where we
explore strategies forpracticing more self-love,
gratitude and finding new waysto empower ourselves in this
ever-changing healing adventureof life happening for us.
I'm your host, tara, michelle.
Let's get started.
So many women here in Americaand I'll say America because I
(01:06):
can't speak globally for theworld, but many women here
continually say men need to dothe work.
Men need to do the work.
They need to do their work.
I hear it on Instagram, I hearit on Facebook.
There's all these memes,there's reels, all this stuff
about men not doing their work,and there's even empowerment
(01:29):
coaches out there claiming towant to empower you when it
comes to dating andrelationships.
Yet empower you from thiscontext and to me this context
has, it has like an element ofanger, bitterness.
Me this context has, it haslike an element of anger,
bitterness.
It also sounds like it comesfrom a space of unhealed parts
(01:49):
of their own heart, and I knoweverything I'm about to share
today.
I want you to make no mistakethat I, too, am looking at
myself when I share all of this,and I'm looking at you.
Know what is this reflectingfor myself?
Because it triggers me, becauseI see it as a form of
(02:11):
separation, I see it as a formof hate and I see it as mean.
I really do feel it's mean.
So I, as you all know, those ofyou listening and those of you
that are new, thank you so muchfor joining us.
This podcast is all about howlife is happening for you, and
we talk about various thingshappening in the world and my
own life experiences and thingsof that nature.
(02:32):
But, as I like to share, youknow that, coming from life, is
happening to you as in, you'rethe victim.
And again, hear me out.
(02:56):
Some of you may already feel alittle annoyed or triggered by
some of the things I've said,but I just want you to consider
like, go ahead and try this onfor your entire life, or not
your entire life.
Let me take that back.
Try this on for all areas ofyour life.
If you might be in a marriageokay, or you might be in a
committed relationship and youmight think in your mind he
(03:17):
needs to do his work, okay.
Well, consider, you do too.
We all do, okay, and we'redoing this together, and I want
everyone listening to thisconversation to try this on in
all areas of your life, becauseit may be showing up in areas of
friendships or career orwhatever it's relationships okay
(03:38):
, and often everyone's talkingabout you need to do your work.
We're all here doing our work.
Okay, we're all doing the work.
But I'm going to challenge thisthought today.
So what if that man that isshowing up in his not so worked
on self and you can define thathowever you see fit in your
(03:59):
situation what if we flip thescript?
That man?
He's simply showing up as areflection of how far you've
grown.
What if he's a reflection ofwhere you're at, or maybe he's
showing up, reflecting to youareas of your heart still
(04:21):
unhealed, your heart stillunhealed.
And so what is it that even hasus say men are not doing their
work?
I'm really curious, like whathas us say that?
(04:41):
Who decided that was going tobe the new narrative?
Because, how I see it, the puresimple fact that he's living on
this planet, any human being,honestly means they're doing
their work.
Being alive on planet earth isa spiritual job.
It's spiritual work.
It takes something to be here,it takes something to stay here
(05:02):
and it takes something to enjoyhere something to stay here and
it takes something to enjoy here.
So for us to diminish anyone bysaying they need to do their
work and I'm also going to add Ihave said that statement, I
have totally said those words,and I'm eating them right now
because I began to look at whatdoes that really freaking mean
(05:22):
when we say they need to dotheir work?
You know I'm going to say thatthat's when we need to do our
work, so I'm going to continueon here.
If you are a man or a womanaligning with this notion that
someone out there outside of youneeds to do the work, what if
(05:45):
they're simply showing up whereyou have work left to be done,
because, remember, we attractexactly where we're at, and
maybe all that is showing up isa reflection of your old
thinking.
It could be a reflection ofyour old alignments.
It can be a reflection of yourold alignments.
(06:05):
It can be a reflection of yourold paradigms.
I mean, really, have youconsidered that?
You know, if you are yourselfin this new way of thinking,
right, if you're in this newspace, you've done a lot of work
and you're like, ready, gung-ho, I'm going to go out into the
world, take all these new toolsthat I have and I'm going to
(06:25):
implement them into my life,right, and then you begin to see
these people showing up, butyou're like, well, how come
they're not where I'm at?
Well, consider the vortex ofenergy, right?
Any of you guys rememberAbraham Hicks the vortex of
energy.
So when you have that seed ofthought, right, this new thought
(06:46):
of this new version of who I amand this new version of who I'd
like to see myself attract,remember, there's a gap there.
Okay, so I don't want to getsidetracked, because that's a
whole separate conversation, butI wanted to add that because
it's something important toconsider.
Remember, we attract what wethink where we're at.
(07:08):
So what is it?
The work?
Okay, what work for you is leftto be done If a man shows up in
a dating situation that is lessthan desirable to you?
And guys, if you're listening tothis you can put whatever
actually men or women, I don'tcare who you put in that
(07:30):
placeholder, just talk romanticrelationships.
But I'm using this contextbecause it's what I see a lot of
out on Instagram and out therein the social media world is all
these women like bitching andmoaning about men need to do
their work.
Okay, and it's very annoying tome because I think it's so mean
, but anyhow, put whoever youneed to put in this place.
So, if that person shows up ina dating situation that is less
(07:54):
than desirable to you, can youallow them grace and just be
curious from like, where arethey coming from?
Where's he coming from?
What's his past?
What's his pain?
What has his journey been?
Who is that person?
(08:15):
And why is it that I'm seeinghim, that he's not done his work
?
I don't know anything about him, right?
Can you step into his shoes andrelate and then reflect onto
yourself and ask why is thisexperience happening for me.
(08:37):
What am I being shown in thisreflection happening for me?
What am I being shown in thisreflection and what expectations
for the outcome are youreflecting when you operate from
the context of he needs to dohis work?
What expectations for anoutcome?
(09:02):
Because that's what you'rehoping for and, as a reminder,
food for thought, expectationslead to upset.
So what I'm also going to say isthis does not mean you need to
move forward with every man youencounter or every person you
encounter, and it does not givethem a free hall pass when
disrespect or dishonor ishappening.
(09:24):
I'm simply pointing out why dowe make people monsters or we
make men monsters when ourtimeline of that need to quote
unquote be in a relationship,feels thwarted by the process
and the journey of dating to acommitted relationship?
(09:46):
Do you get what I'm saying?
Like I feel what I started torecognize as I was processing
all this and recognizing evenfor myself, is that, women, we
have this timeline.
We have like this you knowwe've been dating for X amount
of months or we're dating for Xamount of years and so it should
be this way, we should be inthis place, right, and so when
(10:11):
our timeline is thwarted by,maybe, where somebody isn't at
yet or not showing up the way wewant them to yet Remember, I'm
saying the way we want them toand not really allowing them to
just show up as who they are.
But when we get in our way andwe feel that that process or
(10:34):
that journey is thwarted, webegin to point outside and say,
oh, they need to do their work,or da-da-da-da, it's out there.
We begin to point outside andsay, oh, they need to do their
work, or da da, da da, it's outthere, it's out there, it's out
there.
Rather than create thisnarrative that he or she is less
than or beneath us because webelieve they haven't done their
work.
(10:56):
What if that person is just asmuch your equal, simply healing
in other parts of their lifethat are not yet matching the
areas in which you've alreadyhealed?
What if?
And what that brings up is howdivine the connection actually
(11:20):
is, as in what can you eachoffer each other in the journey
of healing through love andcuriosity?
A dear friend of mine reachedout to me today and we were
talking about this subject andshe was talking about how, when
talking with her therapist youknow her therapist had mentioned
(11:40):
.
You know, healing comes throughlove.
Healing comes through love.
So these relationships that weget ourselves into, the healing
is in those journeys.
Yes, there's healing whenyou're single and alone, but
also, like you do that, healingwhen you're alone.
And guess what?
(12:01):
You take those tools once youget into a loving, romantic
situation and the rubber meetsthe road.
Right, that's when the rubbermeets the road.
I'm in a current situation,right now that you know I have
met somebody and there arethings coming up and I don't
necessarily look at it from likehe needs to do his work.
(12:25):
I look at it from what's comingup for me that I'm feeling woo,
this is like scary.
But he also has things comingup for him that are scary and
together we're navigating thatthrough communication and I'm
not seeing him as a monster.
I have to really process what'scoming up for me in these
(12:47):
moments, as does he, andtogether we're growing.
Now, whether or not we continuethe relationship, that's yet to
be discovered, but at themoment it's an exploration.
Right, it's an exploration.
I want to share a little bitabout my experience with dating,
(13:08):
because I have been dating along time and I have really
grown in the area of dating andthat's the one thing I love
about online dating is theavailability for yourself to
grow.
You get to find out who youreally are, what you really
desire, what you don't want.
You find out who you are reallyemotionally and spiritually.
(13:30):
You learn to build betterboundaries, and you also will
meet so many incredible peoplealong the way as well, as you'll
meet some very interestingpeople that you're like
incredible people along the wayas well, as you'll meet some
very interesting people thatyou're like that's an
interesting person, you know,because it's it's a journey, and
I I could say too that I've meta lot of amazing people and I,
(13:57):
at one point, would say a lotthat, oh, that person hasn't
done their work.
Yeah, I've said it.
I've also said that the appswere full of serial daters.
I've also said that men on theapps are a mess.
I've also said that men my age,my age bracket aren't ready for
something real.
I've also said that the datingapps have made dating disposable
.
I've said so many things myselfwhen I have been discouraged
(14:20):
and fed up with the journey, andI've also said that I'm
resigned.
I've said that I havecompassion fatigue.
I've also said I'm never goingto go on those dating apps again
.
I've said all those things andthat's why this narrative that
keeps coming up is veryinteresting, because initially,
(14:41):
when I would hear it, itwouldn't really bother me, but
lately, like in the last year,it's been really bothering me,
because I'm like why are wemaking men the enemy?
This is a journey.
And then I had to start lookingat all of the words that were
coming out of my mouth, all ofthe words that were coming out
(15:03):
of my mouth.
As a matter of fact, as I wasrecording this, I had a dear
friend call me, and he'ssomebody who I met on the apps
and we're really good friendsand there's so much love between
the two of us Like we have anincredible friendship that
throughout the last severalyears of us knowing each other,
(15:23):
it's had its ebbs and its flowsof how would I say?
It's gone through severalphases, from first dating to
then not dating, to then dating,then not dating, but then to
finally find our place asfriends.
And what am I going to sayabout that?
(15:50):
The one example I'd love to usefrom that particular
relationship is that when Iwould talk to some of my friends
about the experiences I wentthrough with him.
They would talk about how hewasn't doing his work, when in
fact he very much was doing hiswork, and so was I, but it goes
back to that point of the workhe was working on was areas I
(16:15):
had already been healed, and thework I was having to work on
were areas that I wasn't healedand, as a result, he became one
of my greatest teachers, and heit's not even him per se.
It's the experience that we hadallowed me to really move
(16:43):
through a lot of unhealedaspects of my anxious attachment
.
That's what it was, and I hadto really look at myself on so
many levels.
And the beauty is is that thetwo of us have always held space
for one another and we keepshowing up for one another and
(17:07):
our new, our new um, the newphase we're in is friendship and
we're now able to talk aboutthis past that we had, of this
back and forth, and you know theanxious, avoidant detachment,
because that's really whatbrought us together.
And I look at us now and I cansay that was a healing journey,
(17:28):
and many of you that havefollowed me for a while, healing
adventures is what I claim inthis life Like.
It's a healing adventure.
It's a healing journey.
You know, every aspect of yourlife is this beautiful adventure
to be unfolded and discovered.
And so I'm, I feel honored tohave the kind of journey I've
(17:49):
had with this man and to nowlook at him and just be like,
wow, look at who we are today,look where we are now, and it no
words to express the connectionthat there is with this person
and I.
There's no words to express it.
(18:09):
There's love, it's just love.
Just love is present, just love.
That's it.
There's love, there's so muchlove, present, so much, and it's
beautiful, right?
(18:46):
You know, I was also talkingwith a dear friend today that
they were talking with becausethese are about the autistic
savants and the children theywere talking with.
This child was saying how hewishes everybody spoke
(19:06):
telepathically because he feltthat words were so limiting.
And they are.
Words become this construct oflimitation, right, and in the
telepathic world, and telepathyhas been coming online for me a
little bit.
I can't do it on command, butit's been happening and, as you
know, many of you might know,I'm very intuitive, so I have
(19:29):
lots of gifts, but that's onethat's been coming online for me
.
There's no words to express theexpression or the energy of
love, like love, love.
If we could tune in to thatfeeling, that limitless space of
(19:49):
love on the planet, like God,if everybody tuned into that,
like one minute a day, it would,it would change.
It would change the world, itwould change the world.
But what I was, what I waswanting to really point out is I
was asking my friend, my dearfriend, who has watched the
(20:10):
journey of me and this otherfriend, you know, I was asking
her like huh, what was it thatallowed me to get to where I am
today in that relationship?
And it's courage.
It's courage, the courage tohold space, the courage to be
(20:31):
curious, the courage to not shutsomebody out simply because
you're both moving throughdifferent places in your life,
and the courage to be open andjust love with no judgment.
I'm not saying I didn't havejudgment.
(20:52):
When I moved through thevarious spaces of healing my
attachments through thatrelationship Absolutely had
judgments, absolutely hadbreakdowns, absolutely had all
the range of emotions, and everytime I would be triggered into
whatever state it was.
I had to keep pointing thatfinger back at me and look at my
(21:13):
own behaviors, my own actions,my own triggers, my heart, what
was happening within me and thattakes courage, because those
spaces are so uncomfortable, souncomfortable, and so when it
gets right down to it, you knowyou really have to stop, take
(21:38):
stock and look at yourself andreflect with every interaction,
why is that happening for you?
Why is that happening for you?
And then you begin to see howthese people are simply showing
(22:00):
up for your own growth in yourown journey, and some of them
meeting you in ways while othersnot meeting you in other ways.
That's fine, and really, somemen that I've met I haven't been
where they were emotionally andthey called me forth to grow,
while I called others forth togrow.
Right, and so it's.
(22:23):
It's this beautiful thing, it's, you know, I, I don't know, I
don't.
What I want to say is I want tochallenge those that believe
this notion that that personacross from you needs to do
their work.
And I'm not saying they maybedon't, maybe they do, but
(22:44):
remember, they're showing up asa contrast to where you've come,
to where you've grown, to whoyou've become, and what is it
that you can provide them?
Why do we have to just turn itoff and walk away with spit and
venom and say you have to doyour work, instead of just
(23:07):
saying you know what, we're notin the same place.
I honor where you are and Ilove who I am and I honor and
love the space you're at and Ican disconnect.
You know and I'm not sayingthat those are the words you use
with them, right, some peoplewould be like what the fuck?
That's weird.
(23:27):
But you know, what I'm saying isthat you look at the situation
and you really get down to thenuts and bolts of is this a
relationship I want to exploremore of?
Is there enough good componentshere where these pieces that
might be feeling uncomfortableare worth working through?
If not, then you set thesepeople free, you and them, in
(23:51):
honor and love and graciousness.
But if it is worth going in anddiving in and seeing what's
there, then it's worth it.
Right, it's worth it.
And it isn't so much about thatperson needing to do their work
.
It's about where am I, whereare they?
What are we reflecting to oneanother?
(24:12):
What areas can I work on?
And you know it really is abouteach individual person doing
their work, and when you do yourwork, the world will begin to
reflect that work, if it's notreflecting it today, I want you
to remember the vortex of energy.
You have to build up thatmomentum to then start having
(24:36):
those people show up inside ofwhere you really are.
And just remember that thosethat are no longer where you're
at, you can sift through them,you can sort through them, you
can move past them and say, okay, you know what?
I'm actually not where they areanymore, I'm not there.
It isn't about they're notthere, it isn't about they need
to meet you, it's about I'm notthere anymore.
(24:59):
I actually used to be there, Iused to be right where they are.
Wow, I've really grown.
Look how far I've come.
Holy holy, like holy cow.
That's what I want to challenge.
Turn off that narrative thatit's something wrong with them
(25:19):
and turn on the narrative that,hey, thank you so much for
showing me where I've grown,where I haven't grown, how far
I've come and maybe how muchfurther I have to go, because
I'm going to say any person whosays that comment of they need
to show up where I am.
That's a cue for you torecognize.
You have work to do, becauseyou can't provide love and grace
(25:41):
for where that person is, andso the work that needs to be
done for you is how do you findlove and grace with the world
outside that just feels chaoticand so filled with hate?
Like, don't become that hate,don't become that.
Okay, I feel like I'm on asoapbox, so I'm going to stop
and, just, you know, allow someof the things I've said to just
(26:07):
sink in.
I, I'm curious, had to justsink in.
I'm curious.
Those of you who understand thenarrative, or those of you who
are aware of the narrative thatI'm talking about, I would love
to hear your feedback.
I would love, for those of youwho are listening, what has this
(26:27):
provided you?
Was it good food for thought?
What has this provided you?
Was it good food for thought?
What will you now consider whenyou're out there listening to
some of these narratives onsocial media?
Remember to always ask yourselfwhy is this happening?
For me, there's always going tobe a trend in these narratives
on social media.
(26:49):
I went through a big trend ofnarcissist, sociopathic things
all the time.
You know.
Now it's the, you know, menneed to do their work and all
this shit.
You know, and it's always,there's always some algorithm of
a narrative and I always set.
I step back and ask myselfthat's interesting, what's
really happening here?
What's really being said here?
(27:10):
Who do I need to be if thisnarrative keeps showing up?
Is it something?
Am I that narrative or what amI to learn in that space?
So that's what I invite all ofyou just to take stock and be
curious about other people.
Be curious about where they are.
Give them grace Because, hey,when you're not where somebody
(27:32):
is, you hope to God they giveyou grace.
Right, it's grace and allowance.
It really is Like.
Let's allow people to be andlet's step into the space of
love.
I also want to remind you realquick on July 20th I have a 90
minute heart healing workshop.
It will be on Zoom.
(27:53):
I will put the links belowAgain, and to those of you
listening, especially if you'resingle, this is a great
opportunity to come, to just bein the space of love and to
really dive deep and look atwhat are the blocks standing in
my way from allowing my heart toreally be its full expression
(28:17):
of self, its full expression oflove.
You know you want to have anamazing relationship, or you
want to have a shift inside ofthe dating realm, or a shift in
your romantic relationships, ora shift in just relationships in
general, in your romanticrelationships or a shift in just
relationships in general.
This is a great opportunitybecause we are going to dive in,
we're going to clear someblocks, we're going to clear
(28:39):
familial lineages and paradigms,we're going to clear old
conversations and we're going toreset, reboot and reset, reboot
the heart such that you can goout and create this new shift in
this new paradigm of feeling,thinking, being, all those
(28:59):
things.
So I will put the link below inthe show notes.
I just want to thank all of youfor sticking out this
conversation with me.
I look forward to hearing fromthose of you.
If you liked what you heard onthis show or you feel that you
know somebody who needs to hearthis, please do share it.
Like it, it helps the show move.
(29:21):
I look forward to seeing you inthe next episode and have a
beautiful and blessed day.
Thank you for coming on thishealing adventure today.
If you're starting to see howeverything is falling into place
for you, consider rating theshow and sharing it with one of
your friends.
Keep that spirit alive and joinme next week.
Same place, same time.
Have a great week.
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