Bonus Episode: Understanding Shame

This is the second mini bonus episode where we will focus on understanding shame. In this bonus episode we discuss the difference between shame and guilt, the beliefs and myths associated with shame and an effective skill to deal with shame. Shame was present in the third session with Sarah in its many forms.  Our children can feel shame even when we try very hard not to shame them.  As parents we can easily feel shame that we carry from our childhood or trying to do this job called parenting. And this list goes on.

Time Stamps

1:49 Defining Shame

2:22 Identifying some myths that go along with shame

• “I am not good enough”
• “I am bad”
• “People are going to reject me”
• “I’m broken”

2:32 Defining Guilt

4:00 Child can internalize shame through interpretations that they are doing 

4:45 Overt Shaming - the “should” statements and other judgments 

5:55 Myths are mistaken beliefs

7:30 When the shame is not justified or is not effective because of the duration of the feeling or the intensity of the feeling

7:55 Opposite Action

• Identify the urge to hide which associated with feeling
• Act opposite to that urge - such as pick up your head, make eye contact, speak the feared item out loud
• Do it over and over again

12:35 Separate the behavior and the interpretations of that behavior

• Check the facts
• Finding other interpretations 
• Doing opposite action

Resources:  

• MSNBC Video Clip talking about the New Book I Hate Myself
• I Hate Myself: Overcoming Self-Hatred and Why You Are Wrong About Yourself By Dr. Blaise Aguirre Blaise,
• Opposite Action Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy
• Article on Applying Opposite Action to Guilt and Shame
• 10 Practical Examples of Opposite Action by Laura Schenck, PhD

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.