Hannah & Alex Part 1 of 3: When you Feel Unprepared to be a Parent

Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie.  The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age.

Time Stamps

• 6:55 Noticing if you or your child is very literal or detail oriented.  This helps you understand the way your brain works
• 8:36 Being a first time parent often means stepping into the unknown and not knowing what to expect.
• 10:55 A broader perspective: is something going on in the environment that needs to be changed, is my child responding in a way that reflects who they are, or is my child’s behavior a problem that needs attention?
• 12:45 Parenting is often counterintuitive
• 13:10 Helping children feel safe in the world - how to give them that message
• 14:50 Avoiding the cue that sets off the “pain” for your child is not teaching them that they can handle life. Give them a step by step approach for helping your child deal with the “pain” of a situation
• 15:55 Parents don’t want to see their children unhappy
• 16:40 He can handle more than you think, you can handle more than you think
• 17:45 The short term relief vs the long term benefits - understanding the consequences of the short term relief
• 21:22 Picky eaters need to be accepted and at the same time, parents can shape their child’s behavior with exposure to new foods (see behaviorism video in show notes)
• 23:45 When parents have challenges growing up it makes them vulnerable to coping with their child’s feelings
• 26:39 Changing the bedtime routine - from technology for hours to books and lullabys
• 27:55 Behaviorism - What happens when a parent gives the child what they want after emotions escalate
• 30:00 Parents can name when they are in emotion mind so they can model it for their child
• 31:51 Description of the three states of mind
• 35:24 Use specificity and details if you want make behavioral changes

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd
• Child Mind Institute’s Research Article on The Importance of Reading to your Children 
• PBS Article on Why Reading Aloud to Kids Helps them Thrive

Leslie-ism: Both you and your child can handle more than you think.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop