How To Use Validation To Prioritize Family Relationships With Special Guest Dale Rubury

This is the 100th Episode of the podcast.  And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation.

Time Stamps

3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations

• The objective of the situation - balancing the short term vs long term
• Attending to your self-respect
• Attending to the relationship and how the person would feel after the interaction

9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals

10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing

11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean

• Validation is acknowledgment, not agreement
• Parents need to practice “biting their tongue” so as not to invalidate your child

16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience

18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel

21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you.

22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up.

23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship

24:34 The Six Levels of Validation

25:20 Level one: Paying attention

26:41 Level two: Reflect back

27:54 Level three: Reading minds

30:42 Level four: Understanding

32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid

33:32 Level six: Show equality

35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation

36:56 Examples of Functional Validation 

38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said 

39:10 Match your intention with the impact

Leslie-ism:  I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward.

Resources:

Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of Validation

Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations Worksheet

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by