Children need to feel safe and capable as they venture out into the world. Jean and Alex are parents who came to me for help with their 6 year old daughter’s challenging behavior when she didn’t feel safe or capable. Ellie is a highly sensitive child for whom getting a shot and then taking off the bandaid have turned doctor visits into scary events for both Ellie and her mom. In this episode we assess the problem and discuss how rigid thinking make these situations so difficult and ultimately what you can do about it. This episode will get you thinking about your own thinking patterns and help you understand the importance of feeling safe and capable in your life or your child’s life
Time Stamps
4:30 The bandaid coming off is not going to be a lifelong issue. It’s the sensitivity that will the lifelong issue
6:05 Anticipatory Anxiety is thinking ahead of what could go wrong
6: 25 Problematic thinking patterns: See handout below
9:36 Avoidance is a short term solution to a problem of discomfort but not a long term solution
11:58 The balance between respect and authority.
- Respect her through validation
- Setting the limit with your authority communicates that she is actually safe
13:10 Here’s how to deal with the anxiety
- Feel the anxiety and do it anyway
- I am scared AND I can do it anyway. A dialectic statement. Repeat this over and over again as your child grows
17:15 Replace “good and bad” with “is it working and is it not working”
18:00 When children have a big emotions there may be an underlying belief, “I am not safe, I am not capable or I am unloveable”
21:25 The learning after an exposure is a critical for growth
- Drawing pictures- graph sin curve
- Rating scale numbers that go up and down.
23:50 Some children/adults are slow return to baseline after an event
28 50 Watch out for the “shoulds” and the fears
30:00 Make a list of handling-my-discomfort-list even when its a struggle
31:05 Using the line “Feelings come and feeling go”
34:10 Shaping her behavior so her communication becomes more accurate.
- Identify social signaling or inaccurate expression
- Give her time to practice and learn these skills
35:35 Children who are born more sensitive: Look at 3 biological markers
- Emotional sensitivity (low—--------------------high)
- Emotional reactivity (low—--------------------high)
- Emotional recovery (quick—------------------slow)
36:10 Teach your children the difference between rigid thinking vs. flexible thinking
- Other interpretations
- Other possible outcomes
- Dialectic thinking: Use the magic “AND”
Resources:
Leslie-ism: Shift your thinking by shifting your language
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie
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