Krystal & Burt Part 1 of 3: When Kids Pick up on Marital Tension

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household.   In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo.  They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise.  Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”.  And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.  

Time Stamps

7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry

12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia

19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present

20:17 Tension between parents:

• When parents feel unsupported
• When parents feel dismissed
• When parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy” 

24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood

24:50 How to tolerate the differences

• 25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change

27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)

28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins

29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment

31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy lives

• Build up the strengths and the emotional connection
• 35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a room
• Play a simple game between you and your partner 

35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship

38:45 Relationships are so hard.  

40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healing

• We pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up. 
• Children help us grow as a human being 
• We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships

44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”

45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you

47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 

48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks

50:59 Turning the family structure upside down

52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnection

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.

Resources:  

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by