Mary Part 1 of 3: When Your Kid Hates Change

Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today’s episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary.  We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary’s back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. 

Time Stamps

4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life.

8:13 Assess your child’s behavior as they respond to changes

12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns

12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness

16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right.  Adjustments are often “messy moments”

17:15 Buddhist phrase:  no mud, no lotus

19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that’s so hard

20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No’s, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity

21:27 Don’t ask WHY questions.  Make a few statements to choose from

22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don’t do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands.

26:57 Part of a parent’s job is to guide their child through the unknown

31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn’t want to hear a NO

32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go. Create anchors for the anxious child

37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. 

Leslie-ism: You can be an anchor for your child in the sea of change. 

Resources

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Well Hello Anxiety Podcast episode with Luke Beardon who discusses anxiety for neurodivergent kids
• No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh
• A visual graphic explaining the Window of Tolerance by NICAMB
• Article on Window of Tolerance by mindmypeelings
• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on